Friday, August 29, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise: I Never Saw That Coming!

What a cliffhanger, folks! Did any of you see that coming?! When last we saw AshLee offering the rose to Graham, he walked off set with Crazy Michelle 2.0 close on his heels. Did she finally get through to her buddy that his chosen partner was actually an evil wench and he should not accept her flower?

No, silly! He just felt a little flushed and clammy. Nothing to see here. Keep moving.

CM2 attributed the anxiety, which was making him lose eyesight, to AshLee who was, quite literally, making Graham sick. Again, according to the Crazy woman, Michelle.

Graham took a few deep breaths then went back out. AshLee, who didn't bother to follow her man to see if he was okay, picked the rose up again and repeated his name. Would he accept? You could cut the tension with... pretty much anything because there was none. He accepted with a smile. Lacy did not see that coming, she said. It was making her sick.

And she wasn't kidding! She then ran off, threatening to throw up. And good ol' CM2 again made the illogical connection that just the very idea of AshLee was causing people to get physically sick. Lacy was carted off the the hospital in an ambulance with cramping, vomiting and "pretty severe" pain. Marcuszzz, her boyfriend, was "scared the worst that could happen." Not sure what he meant by that. Death? Really? He's a worrier, I guess.

The rose ceremony continued without Lacy and Marcuszzz. I can't remember if she had already given it to him thanks to the fake cliffhanger, but it was a foregone conclusion anyway. The others were:

  • Michelle leading poor Cody on
  • Sarah getting sweet on Robert
  • Jackie foolishly giving hers to Jesse
Yeah, we knew Kondescending Kalon would be a goner, but Marquel? That makes no sense, although I guess he was a bit of a player himself, switching women from week to week. But isn't that the point of the game? It just seems so static with all these couples and knowing every week it's going to be between two people who are sent home.

Clare was feeling excited. Love is everywhere, she said. "We're unbreakable." I swear, I bet the producers pull everyone aside and get them to say the most optimistic statements they can think of, then they save them until disaster looms.

Christy, another no-name from Juan Pablo's season, then showed up. Sarah gets her up to speed on who's dating whom. Duly noted. Christy then asks Clare's man, Zack, to go on a date. He tells her how rock-solid he and Clare are... in his own inimitable fashion. He said they started as friends. And he acknowledged that he was hoping Christy would be in Paradise.

But he did turn Christy down so Clare was safe. For now. She did want to know if Christy pulled him aside first. You hear that on this show when someone is asked out and every time I wonder if these people even know how the game works. They know there are date cards. They know the newbies don't usually know who's coupled up. Why are they always shocked?

Sarah then introduced Christy to Jesse, the only free agent in the field. He readily accepted her invitation because "how can you cut yourself off from experiencing Paradise?" Especially when asked by a blonde with the best farmer's burn I've ever seen. A farmer working the fields in Hee Haw, maybe, but a farmer nonetheless. Jackie, his last date, would have done the same thing. And, in fact, she did, forsaking Marquel to kick it with Jesse. See, that's how this stupid game works!

Christy tells Jesse about her former "douchebag" boyfriends and Jesse sweats. Could have been the heat, sure, but not likely. She told him she once found a bra in her boyfriend's bed and the guy said, "That's not mine." Showing how he leans more to the douchebag side than not, Jesse replied, laughing, "That's what I would have said." Which caused Christy a moment's hesitation, but she was relieved when Jesse explained, "No, I was just thinking if I was a douchebag, that's what I'd say." Oh, good. Makes perfect sense. If he says he's not a douchebag, then clearly he isn't.

Sarah got a date card and she whined through her nose, "Robert, will you come with me?" She sounds like a cross between Myrna from The Odd Couple and Laverne, both played by Penny Marshall. So I guess she sounds like Penny Marshall.

Tonight was going to be the night they finally kiss. Robert admits he's not the most romantic guy in the world. But he gets the job done. They start off tepid hugging in the pool. Then kapow, Sarah's "wildest dream came true." Just think about that for a second. It wasn't just a dream to kiss Robert, it was her wildest dream! Crazy!

Meanwhile, CM2 was frantically trying to think of something to get back her screen time. So she agreed to be bench pressed by musclebound Cody. Atta girl, CM2! You still got it!

Lacy popped back on our screens, too, no mention of sickness. She was fit as a proverbial fiddle, casting aspersions on Cody's relationship experience. I think she's onto something. Cody seems to be falling fast, telling CM2 "it's you or no one." CM2 pulls back, realizing what she's wrought. It's all just a silly game and this moose is falling in love! In fact, he said to her, "What if we fall in love?" Oh, it's fun to see CM2 squirm.

Don't forget about the Zack-Clare-Christy conundrum. Christy said, "I could be leaving in two days. I wanna get fucked up." Music to Zack's ears. He was having second thoughts about saying no to her. "Christy seems fun; Clare is intense."

So off he went to have a heart-to-heart with Clare, telling her he's "trying to figure out if a relationship for us is the right thing to do." You just knew Clare would take that well, right? "What do you mean?" she asked icily. He told her things just got intense very quickly and he tends to take things much slower. Determined not to make a scene on national television (again), Clare says, "I'm gonna go to bed, 'kay?" and gives him a peck on the cheek. Then runs off into the jungle to melt down.

"I'm having a panic attack on national television," she said. "Looking like a fool. Again. I just want to leave."

She was serious, too, I'm pretty sure. That is, she left. Then again, no one really tried to stop her. Or at all. "I'm not here for games," she said. "This is not paradise for me. It's torture." This was all said while the love of her life, Zack, snored blissfully on his top bunk.

But not for long. Clare walked in and uttered those four little words no one wants to hear, least of all when they're awoken from a deep slumber: "We need to talk."

She tells him she thought they were good and on the same page. Her regret from Juan Pablo's season was seeing that red flag and not listening to her gut. She tells him she's going home. How often have we heard threats like this over the years and it's usually met with urgings to stick it out. Instead, Zack just put his arm around her and talked nicely about their relationship – in the past tense!

She told the others, too, searching in vain for someone to try and stop her. It was not to be. "I'm going out crying with a stuffy nose and puffy eyes," she said to the camera. "Do I have snot in my nose?... This is why I just wanted to do Dancing with the Stars."

Just when it was down to six females and six males, Lucy arrived. You remember her? She was the "free spirit" from Juan Pablo's season. Not much to look at but she compensates for that by walking around naked.

Actually, was she naked? The censors sure wanted us to think that since they affixed a black box to her top and bottom wherever she went. But Jesse kept saying she was "topless" – a weird way to describe someone who's buck naked.

Christy, one of Lucy's besties, told her not to make out with Jesse because she already did. But Jesse was salivating at the chance. It was his third date with "three awesome chicks" and he just "can't wait for her to take her top off again."

CM2 also got a date card and felt she had to ask her puppydog Cody. "What if she ends up being my future wife?" he wondered. Poor sap.

They got a photo session with a professional photographer at the beach. Cody told CM2 he hoped the pics would be up on their wall someday. And CM2 hoped the evidence of them even being on a beach together would be burned by the look she gave him.

Then there was a wardrobe change. She walked in her change room to find a wedding dress and bouquet. Why, exactly, I'm not sure. Is this something anyone does, play dress-up in a wedding gown on your first date? I'm not blaming CM2 at all. In fact, she was rightfully horrified, all the more so because Cody was just a toy to her, not a real object of affection. A means to the end of sticking around until someone better came along.

She said she wasn't ready to do this and was freaking out, as Cody told us he could see her as a future wife. But she does it anyway because a rose is a rose is a rose, right? And primetime TV is primetime TV is primetime TV.

She was so horrified that she couldn't even humour him. Strangers on the beach saw this couple – newlyweds for all they knew – and she felt the need to scream out to them, "It's fake! It's not real!" as if it made any difference to them at all. Cody kissed her neck and she scrunched up her shoulders.

AshLee also got a date card and Graham didn't hesitate to go. "Everything's pretty cool with us," he said, despite saying yesterday he was questioning his future with her.

They went to a race track and AshLee showed she's a pretty cautious driver. Graham said she's "ready for a minivan."

Back on the beach, everyone was chilling in the arms of their loved ones. Except for Christy, who tried to get things going with a game. Nope, not gonna happen. They weren't into it. She felt very alone. And also sober. "There's so much booze and no one's drinking it. Why?! It makes me so mad," she said. Must be because CM2 was away on her date.

Christy thought she'd come to Paradise and meet so many single guys, but there's only one, "if that." And that does appear to be a big flaw in this show. I'm sure there's a method to their boring madness, but where's all the fun? Bring back Bachelor Pad!

Like Cody, Marcuszzz was also falling too fast. First with Andi, now with Lacy. "I realize what true love is by meeting Lacy," he said. "I hope you know by now that I love you," he told her under the moonlight. I think Marcuszzz and Cody should date.

I guess despite that Christy warned Lucy not to kiss Jesse, she did. But just the one kiss, she said, before shaking her head and mouthing silently, "That's a lie." She tells him not to tell anyone, i.e. her best friend Christy. She tells us she's "pretty sexual all around" and "open to just about anything." She says "it's not the end of the world if two friends like the same guy. I believe sharing is caring. It's natural. It feels good. Why not do it all the time?"

And so she, Christy and Jesse proceed to get it on. Apparently, anyway. There was enough talk of a ménage à trois. I guess I believe it. Maybe I just want to believe it. But that grainy night-vision shot of Jesse rubbing Christy's butt cheeks was a little creepy. I wonder how long the cameraman sat there breathing as quietly as possible.

Sarah thought the very idea was "really horrible and awkward." Lacy called Jesse the "manwhore here in Paradise."

But Jesse seemed to be digging the free spirit Christy more than the freer spirit Lucy. (Lucy would never be seen with tan lines, for God's sake!) He told Christy she was one of his favourites "of all time." Christy said she would "100 percent accept the rose" from him.

Spoiler alert alert!: Someone said "spoiler alert" when Cody blew his load and told CM2 she's got his rose.

Lucy knew this was a game, though. Her only option was to scheme against Christy. That's what friends are for! She called Jesse "hot, funny and smart." Hmm. Okay. Sarah thought Lucy wasn't there for the right reasons. As much as I'm not a fan of Lucy, I'd say she's one of the few who's there for exactly the right reasons!

Chris Harrison arrived to tell everyone the show was working. Okay, if you say so, Host Boy. Now it was rose time. Here's how it went down:

  • Robert called upon Sarah
  • Graham, to the disgust of Lacy, gave his rose to AshLee
  • Cody uneventfully gave his to CM2, adding she would get all of his roses "forever and ever and ever and ever"
  • Marcuszzz gave a long, boring (naturally) speech to Lacy before giving her the rose. I'm sure it was all he could do to not get down on one knee
  • Zack, now Clare-less, gave his to Jackie
  • Jesse chose Christy
So goodbye to the free-spirited Whatsernuts, as Jesse kept lovingly calling her throughout the show. Lucy said, "I think I'm kinda good-looking." She is not without confidence, that girl. But she was "bummed," she said. "I don't like to lose." She said she was sad for her friend Christy because Jesse's "a jerk." A hot, funny and smart jerk, I guess.

Until next week. And follow me on Twitter, for crying out loud! @BachelorBlogger

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