Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Bachelorette Kaitlyn: Sex and the single girl

Someone went to bed early last night. So that someone is now going to sit down and watch last night's episode. Sorry about that.

Hey, now we're cooking with gasoline! Seven comments last week. Well, one of them was from this morning asking where the hell the blog was, but I'll take it. Good job. It's fun reading them. Don't feel any pressure, though (although it's always fun breaking records, hint, hint).

Okay, here we go. What happened last week? If memory serves, there was no rose ceremony. It was a cliffhanger. I don't recall what the suspense was but I'll find out as soon as this commercial ends.

Apparently it's a "dramatic" episode tonight. Oh right, it's the Run Ian Run drama where he voiced his true opinions to Kaitlyn. In other words, was rude to her, telling her she's a "surface level person" and shallow. He tells the camera he's "not looking to plow her field," he's looking "to have a deeper connection with her." That's sure not the way to go about achieving that particular goal! Also, those two activities are not mutually exclusive. One can lead to the other, in either order.

I love her look throughout his soliloquy. Her tongue must be sore from biting it while he's talking. She finally says, "So you don't think I'm here to find a husband?" He answers, "Not from what I've seen." She tells him she's "super offended." She makes a good point saying she hasn't seen humour in him just as he hasn't seen her deeper side. Touché. He asks if, when looking for a spouse, humour is the number one thing she needs. She stumbles a bit and says no, but that's it's a huge thing. The number one thing is also, coincidentally, a huge thing, which I'm sure Ian has. (That was a penis joke if you missed it.)

Then she asks if he doesn't see that calling her surface level is being "super rude" and offensive. He says that's what he's observed. He says she asked them to be honest and that's what he was doing. I wonder if he thinks he was going to win her over with his honesty. She gives him the thumb, as if to say scram, and he immediately says he intends to go home. You can't fire me, I quit!

"I'm not the guy you're looking for; you're not the woman I'm looking for. And I think that's apt. And that's what I have to say," he says. She says, "You feel good about that?" He has no answer. Just gets up and walks away. Run Ian Run.

In his exit interview, he says, "I think the right decision was made... Kaitlyn's shallow. I just don't think she's nearly as complex as I am... I'm too deep a thinker, I'm too self-aware... I'm very different than every single other person that's here... I went to Princeton, Deerfield [prep school]... and that's what I have to offer... I'm an interesting guy, a guy who's had a lot of different experiences... I'm not lame.. like the other guys." Those ellipses (...) are there to show what I think are edit points. His voice sounds different in each soundbite. I doubt he said that all at once. In fact, I doubt they were all said in that context. They're probably taken from the sum of his comments while on the show and edited together for this exit speech. Not saying he's a good guy, but I doubt he said it quite that way.

In the limo, we can see his real thoughts on leaving. "I'm glad, way glad, to be out of there. God, I've just missed having conversations with people about life rather than about sex. I'm tired of talking about farts and people's bowel movements. I'm being punished for being intellectual. They didn't teach Cheesy Movie Quotes in Princeton. I have to have original thoughts. I don't find that women have trouble relating to me because I'm too deep. Seeing how badly Kaitlyn's been at the Bachelorette, I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor. I understand that she's trying to divide up her time, but for that reason, you have to be deep. I feel like I'm destined to be the Bachelor and destined to find love on this show. If I was named Bachelor, I think they would come out of the woodworks, man. I think they'd be like, 'Oh shit, I want to go out with that guy. He's so deep.' Oh man, I need to have some sex."

Classic!

Let's parse that, shall we? He didn't want to plow Kaitlyn's field, was sick of talking about sex, he's deep... but he's gotta get some sex. Some deep sex, presumably.

I feel a bit sorry for him because had he taken the high road, he probably had a decent shot at becoming the Bachelor. Now, he's going to be one of the most despised men in America. But I'm sure there will be women out there throwing themselves at his feet. He went to Princeton, afterall.

Kaitlyn tells the camera she's insulted. She can't believe he told her she's just there to make out with guys. Ahem. Says the woman who has sex with two guys before the fantasy suites. (Or maybe it's one before and one during. Details, details.)

She's sitting there on the seat where Ian left her when Irving R. Levine comes to the rescue. (That'd be Nick in his bow tie.) Holding her hand, he says, "If it means anything, I want everything Ian says he wants and I'm still here. I want everything you're here for." Ahem. Plowing fields? Wish granted, good sir. He bites her finger.

Those five hippy bracelets don't really match with the bow tie, do they?

Now the other guys are realizing Nick is up there talking to Kaitlyn even though he already has a rose. They stew over it instead of just going up and talking to her themselves. Individually, I mean.

Finally Shawn takes the bull by the horns and goes up to talk to her. He walks in on Nick and Kaitlyn kissing. He walks away, looking ill.

Kaitlyn says she's going to be kissing guys and guys are going to be kissing her. To her, intimacy is an important part of a relationship. Oh, don't we know it, honey. She doesn't care what people say or think, but intimacy is important. She knows she's the make-out bandit.

She returns to the guys and tells them about Ian. She tells them Ian called her shallow. Then Chris Harrison rings his glass and takes her away. It's rose ceremony time.

There are six roses to be handed out, but three fellas already have them so they'll only be losing two more guys. Those pre-rosed are Ben Aitch, Irving R. Levine, and Shawn.

They're at the Alamo in San Antonio. Harrison tells her that it's a very special rose ceremony for him because they're in his home state. And he's a narcissist.

I hope JJ finally goes home. Who else? Justin. Those are my predictions. Or wishes, anyway. Let's see what she does:

  1. Love-Man Jared
  2. Dr. Cupcake
  3. JJ the Cocky Puck. There goes that idea.
  4. Moonshine Joe
  5. Zed
  6. Tissue Tanner
So that leaves Justin and Joshua as the odd men out. That's kind of like JJ, right? Close enough: J and J.

Harrison tells the rest they're going to Dublin, Ireland. Is this the first time the show's been to Ireland?Anyway, they celebrate and outside the Alamo walls, Joshua hears them, adding insult to injury.

Now we get a bunch of upcoming highlights as if the show is over, but we're only 34 minutes into it. They've got to get back on schedule with the rose ceremony at the end of the show.

It's the first time Moonshine Joe has been out of the country. Why does that not surprise me? There's a full-sized leprochaun on the street as they toast being in Ireland with a Guinness.

Jared's got to do something with that patchy beard. Either grow it or shave it. But that's his new nickname: Patches.

The first one-on-one date is looming. She says it's with someone who really stepped up his game at the last cocktail party. Who could that be besides Nick? There's no date card. She lets them know in person the date starts right now. Tanner, Nick, Joe and JJ have not had one-on-one dates before but it's going to Nick as expected. He has ten minutes to get ready.

That was a ballsy move by Kaitlyn. She knows the other guys are jealous of Nick. Why wouldn't she just announce it anonymously through a date card instead of looking so happy in front of them all when she tells them it's Nick?

Nick says, "It looks like I just got lucky in Dublin!" They've got to rerun this quote after the sexy time they share.

JJ is doing his best to get plenty of air time with his stupid quotes. He says Shawn needs a screaming pillow in his room so he can scream and punch something. "He just needs a good cry," says the guy who blubbered when his boyfriend Clint left.

Dublin has always been on Kaitlyn's bucket list. And apparently her fuck it list, too.

She and Nick stroll through a park. He doesn't know about her pigeon phobia. She's had it since she was a kid and she says it's gotten worse. She can't stand the flapping. Nick says they may never go to a park again. Inexplicably, she has two bird tattoos; one on each elbow. At least she can't see them.

Then comes my phobia: Irish dancing. They're doing it in the street. Just as I was thinking I'd like to go to Ireland, this. No more.

Nick bought them both rings from a vendor on the street. They wear them on their wedding fingers. Can't wait to see the guys' reaction to that.

Then it's time for a Guinness in an Irish pub, making sure all stereotypes are covered. And they make out at the bar. Get a room, you guys!... Oh, that's coming.

He bites her lower lip and she talks about their passionate chemistry. Too much.

Meanwhile, back at wherever the rest of the guys are staying, a group date card arrives. There are two guys left out, meaning a two-on-one. Further meaning either JJ or Joe will be going home. (Please let it be JJ!) He's already cockily predicting victory so that looks good. He says, "I kind of hurt for Joe right now. I've really tried to stay under the radar in terms of my connection with Kaitlyn. I've got an inner confidence right now." But maybe we won't even get to that depending on what happens with Nick's sexy time.

But we're not done with Nick. Not by a long shot! This is one of the most magical dates Kaitlyn's been on.  They sit down to dinner in what looks like a cathedral with candles and stained glass windows all around. Kaitlyn says she thinks it's good that Nick's done this before but she worries that other people judge him for that. Hell yeah, we do! If he's such a catch, why can't he find love back in his real life? Maybe he needs the juice of dating a minor celebrity. He can't be with normal people anymore. Or they with him, perhaps.

They kiss some more. Blech. She says she really likes Nick and she believes him and trusts him. He says it's such a great thing when you can't keep your hands off someone, and I believe it. At the same time, it's such an opposite of great thing for us to have to witness it. He whispers, "I'm feeling for you" as they neck. She gives him the rose and they kiss some more. This is like soft core porn. And they haven't even shtupped yet!

She says she doesn't want the date to end and slyly asks if he wants to go back to her hotel room to "hang out for a bit." He says, "Are you kidding me?!" More kissing to seal the deal. She says she forgets there are cameras. I really wish she hadn't forgotten that.

On the way back to the hotel, they kiss some more. She wraps her legs around him. Not sure if he carried her like that back to the room but I'd like to think so.

They keep the kissing up on the hotel room sofa. They duck-lip kiss each other. Then they recline a bit, lips still pressed together. Throughout this, they keep cutting back to Shawn and Patches talking about the trust factor with Nick. Jared says he just wishes Kaitlyn is having a "fucking good time" with him. Maybe a leprochaun overheard him and granted him his wish.

Nick really loves kissing one lip at a time. Kaitlyn whispers, "Come with me." She leads him to the boudoir and they shut the door. I hope the camera crew stays outside the door so we can hear the throes of passion.

And in fact we can! Because this isn't a fantasy suite situation, their mikes are still on. Nick tells her, "This is great." She says, "I feel good about it all." He says, "I never want this to end." She says, "I know." Then the line of the night: "I want to know every part of you." So cheesy! But her spleen is excited, I'm sure.

Somewhere, Andi is experiencing deja vu.

I feel dirty listening to them. Or reading the subtitles, anyway. She says, "I could get a hold of you." Not sure what that means, but he says, "Come here." Then she lets out a little groan and ecstatic exhale. Are their mics still on them? They could have easily taken them off and buried them under clothes in a bottom drawer.

Shawn worries that Nick's been in this position before and knows what to do. Patches, the eternal optimist, says they've just got to trust Kaitlyn. Funny Jared.

The next morning they show us shots of birds and bees. Well played, team, well played. Nick slinks out down the hall, jacket slung over his shoulder. Kaitlyn on the balcony smiles.

She characterizes their date as "romantic" and "sweet." She felt like they deserved that time together. Maybe she thinks the editors will leave out all the hanky-panky. She's acting like it was just a normal date. And maybe it was for her. We don't know.

On the balcony, she asks no one in particular, "Has this ever happened before?" She says she doesn't want it to be an issue. Fair enough, Lady Kait. I'm sure all your other boyfriends will be understanding.

She hints at the genital entanglement saying, "The off-camera time that I had with Nick was unexpected. It came out of nowhere and it was great. But waking up in the morning, I am definitely feeling guilt." She says she's trying to put herself in the other guys' shoes by imaging how she would have felt if Chris and Britt had sex. But she doesn't feel guilt over the act of copulation, just over caring about the other relationships she has.

On the balcony, she says it would ruin everything if Nick mentioned it to the others. So you know what's coming.

Cut to: Nick telling JJ and Joe that Kaitlyn invited him back to her room. Joe tells Nick the same thing happened to Shawn. Nick tries to act cool but his eyes showed, "What the hell? What did you say?" To the camera he says, "Good for Shawn. It's not my business." Ah, free love.

Cut to: Kaitlyn on the balcony saying, "I will fucking lose it if he says anything."

Cut to: Shawn and others joining the group. You know how Nick is going to play this. He doesn't out and out cop to the copulation though. He matter-of-factly went over the date, ending with the invitation back to her suite where they drank whiskey and talked, adding, "It was intimate." They want us to deduce from that that he outright told them, but he was purposely ambiguous. He could say, "No, I said the talk was intimate." He added, "It was really personal, authentic, and I felt very comfortable. And that was it." Yeah, guys, he totally had personal, authentic and really comfortable sex.

As Kaitlyn is hanging over the balcony, she finally comes to the realization that she shouldn't have done it. It was all bad, she says. It scares her that Nick might tell and at the end of it all, she'll have no one. Although I presume Nick would still be available.

Group sex time... I mean group date time. Harrison meets them saying, "I regret to inform you, the worst has happened. Kaitlyn is dead... For today." The date is to celebrate her life with a traditional Irish wake. They enter a pub and Kaitlyn is lying in a coffin. Creepy but she must be really tired after last night. That's two dates in a row she's been on her back.

Each of the fellas has to toast the "dead" Kaitlyn. They do it in rhyme. Or the first three, anyway. Aitch says she was pecked alive by pigeons. Shawn got in a good jab saying he was sorry she took her own life but he understood because he would have done it, too, if he had to spend the whole day with Nick.

Then Zed asks the others to leave the room, not quite understanding the purpose of a wake. He's all serious. What a downer. Hope he doesn't get the rose for that.

The after party is at the Guinness factory where they drink Guinness. This episode is brought to you by the fine folks at Guinness.

Zed tells her today was super hard for him. She had her arm around him until he said that. But he says it positively and it ends well. She calls him a "teddy bear." They hug, because that's what you do with a teddy bear.

She kisses Jared but it's not quite on a Nick level. She described it as a "hug."

Kaitlyn tells Shawn he seems "off." He denies it. He whips out some photos of his big Irish family. He says, "There's my boy," and I'm trying to remember if I knew he had a kid. The camera pans back to see him with his pet dog. Oh, okay. Then he says, "There's Isla" and it's a picture of a baby girl. Is that his child? They kiss. I mean, Kaitlyn and Shawn.

The rose goes to... drumroll please... Jared. Shawn looks depressed. He feels he's getting mixed messages from her since she told him he's "the one" a couple days ago. He looked for the validation and didn't get it. More drama.

Jared gets some alone time with Kaitlyn. He gets a little surprise. They walk to another cathedral. Or maybe it's the same one. They all kinda look the same. The Cranberries are playing! A band I've heard of! I even know the song they're singing! A first!

Kaitlyn and Jared slow dance and kiss. Kaitlyn's got him wrapped around her finger.

Shawn is taking it hard. He walks off and talks to some dude in a backpack. Who is that guy? Some guy who works on the show, I presume. He tells him he can't do this anymore, that he's about to cry.

He's being pissy, in my opinion. Sure, he's disappointed he didn't get the rose, but there's only one rose to give out. It doesn't mean the others aren't going to get one at the rose ceremony. He says her actions aren't matching up with what she's said to him.

He knocks on her door. Hopefully the maid cleaned up after her night with Nick.

I don't get these interviews they do. If you analyze them, they don't make much sense. He knocks on her door and we see her. He enters. Then we see the interview where she's saying she hopes he's not there to talk about Nick, but she's wearing something completely different. It's doubtful they let him enter, whisk her away and get her changed to interview her about what he might be there for, then bring her back and get her changed into her original clothes to let it play out. So what happens is the interview comes after, maybe even well after, but she speaks as if it's all happening in the moment. I know this is nothing new for this show. Sometimes it's just more obvious than others. But why is she crying over what he might say? Maybe it was even recorded before he showed up.

She bawls, "You make one mistake and you feel like the worst person in the world!" Okay, that's taken completely out of the context of Shawn visiting her. "I didn't mean to do anything that would cause anybody any problems... I can't do this anymore." That interview should end with, "What? He's there just because I gave the rose to Jared instead of him? Oh. Nevermind. Forget I said that."

NOOOOO!!! Another cliffhanger. This nonsense has got to stop. Rose ceremonies go at the ends of shows, not the beginnings.

So no two-on-one date. Hopefully that will happen next week so JJ can finally be put out of our misery.

So that's that. We end seeing Britt talking to her mom about her new "friend." On behalf of everyone, let me just say we don't care.