tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18212543997826409892024-03-14T01:49:11.960-07:00Bachelor BlogA play-by-play of the ABC-TV series, The Bachelor, aka the greatest reality television show of all time. These started out as e-mails to a friend and a wife, who in turn forwarded those e-mails to friends. They told two friends, and so on... So now it's on a blog for all to see.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.comBlogger231125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-15831471092404685652016-11-01T17:20:00.001-07:002016-11-01T17:20:17.561-07:00Bachelorette Canada: Villain-freeIt seems my routine is set. I don't know what I do Tuesday nights but I know I end up watching Bachelorette Canada the following Monday. And I enjoy it! Don't know why I can't bring myself to watch it in real time. I've got a few episodes left to try to rectify this. In the meantime, here's a recap on last Tuesday's episode.<br />
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The reduced gang is still in Morocco. That's pretty cool, I gotta say. And it's all quiet on the eastern front as Cocky Drew is on a plane back to his bros and in Toronto. The remaining five all get along swimmingly. People say we need a villain in these types of shows but I disagree strongly and offer up this episode as evidence. Some might say it's boring with everyone getting along. I say it's civil. There's enough inherent drama in people trying to find a connection without the added distraction of a villain.<br />
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Last episode, Captain Canada showed his jealous side and he and Jasmine had a little tiff. It weighed heavily on the gloomy gus and he hasn't been sleeping well. But he visibly brightens up for the first time ever when he's selected for the first one-on-one date. It's like night and day. This guy wears his emotions on his already tattooed sleeve.<br />
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The added twist this week is that there will be no roses handed out on any of the dates. Jasmine really wants to get to know the guys and give them a fair chance without worrying about who to rose because next week are the hometown visits.<br />
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Jasmine and Captain Canada get out of the big city and experience true Berber culture. Are you familiar with the Berbers? Are you a Be-lerber? No, it's not a community of former baby actors. That's Gerber. Here's what my computing machine says:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b>Any of the descendants of the pre-Arab inhabitants of North Africa<a class="md-crosslink" href="https://www.britannica.com/place/North-Africa"><span href="https://semantic.britannica.com/accepted_headword/core/418538/North-Africa"></span></a>. The Berbers live in scattered communities across Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, Egypt, Mali, Niger, and Mauretania.</b></blockquote>
They meet a Berber couple at their pad. The couple doesn't speak English. The nerve of them! Captain Canada is rocking a traditional Berber outfit and looks great. Inside the house (!), they milk a cow. The goats stay out of the way on the other side of the room. Jasmine had a cow growing up (!) and milked it a couple times, but she was rusty. Captain Canada also had some experience milking a cow but was a little rough on the teats, making the cow jump. Take note, Jasmine.<br />
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Then they bake bread in the adobe house. (I have no idea if it's adobe. They should have told us. Now I'm at risk of my ignorance becoming public. But my computing machine says this about adobe:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b><span class="_Tgc">An adobe brick is a composite material made of
earth mixed with water and an organic material such as straw or dung.
The soil composition typically contains sand, silt and clay.</span></b></blockquote>
So I stand by my description.<br />
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Next they bake some bread. Again, they should have told us exactly what type of bread it was. Looked like a thick roti or naan. They kneaded the dough then put it over a fire. Presto! Bread!<br />
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Out on a roof sipping wine, Jasmine notes that Captain Canada is so different when he's outside the group. The lesson here, Jasmine, is that he needs to get his own way or he'll pout. He tells her something about her just makes her smile (when there are no other guys around, presumably) and that if he saw her out in the real world in a grocery store and didn't say hi to her, he'd regret it. Lesson here, Jasmine, is that he's a player.<br />
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Jasmine asks him if he's ready for this. She recalls him saying he's been on about 100 first dates. He tells her he's not a player, right after I wrote that he was! That must mean something. After telling him he always says the "right thing," she says she wants a person who supports and encourages her and she wants to do the same thing for that person. Proving he always says the right thing, he answers immediately, "Whatever you said!" Okay, he didn't say exactly that but he may as well have. He said, "That's exactly what I want."<br />
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Around him, she feels comfortable and wanted and desired and safe and closer to him now because they got through their first fight. First of many, probably. She told him he was strong both physically and emotionally. Does she not recall the hissy fit when he didn't get the rose?<br />
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We got another example of how well the guys get along when the next date was a one-on-one, too, and it went to the other Kevin, aka Rob Schneider. Everyone was happy for him. That should be the template for all future Canadian editions. We get along. No villains!<br />
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Schneider and Jasmine greet each other with a hug. Remember, they've only kissed once before. They go rock climbing. He's wearing the shortest long shorts I've ever seen. He likes doing stuff like this and seeing Jasmine do it with gusto makes him like her even more. She's knocking down his walls. And sure enough, when they get to the top, they kiss like there's no tomorrow. And there isn't for Schneider.<br />
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Afterwards they sit on a rock drinking wine. He has to tell her about his family and how it affects his closed nature. He says the hometown date freaks him out a bit. Turns out he's "bounced around" since he was five years old. And his mom went through "a lot of... serious... battles." It sounded like that sentence was cobbled together in editing. When she said her dad also had addiction issues, we can surmise that was the battle his mom faced, but who knows? He hasn't fully healed. Also hasn't seen her in about 15 years, although they talk occasionally. So he's learned to put up walls.<br />
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Jasmine relates. And then Schneider goes back and forth between sounding like he wants to continue, and practically demanding that she let him go. He tells her, "There's some great guys here and I don't doubt for a second that those guys couldn't be really good to you. So could I." She cries. Seems she's really digging him.<br />
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Then she pulls the rug out from us all. She says if she continued with him, she'd probably end up in a relationship that isn't sustainable. She needs someone who isn't so similar to her.<br />
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He tells her he's not looking for a comfortable life; he's looking for a passionate life. He asks if this "is a fork in the road or the end of the road?" She hems and haws. Back from commercials, she says it feels like the end of the road. And he looks as relieved as Captain Canada was at getting the one-on-one date card. There's not a second of sadness. He immediately says, 'This has been amazing." This worked out as well as it could have for him. He got to travel the world and not be stuck in a long-term and/or phony relationship. Win-win.<br />
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The group date is with the remaining three: Nipple Ring, 8-Pack, and Ben Wha-? They arrive in the Marrakesh market but Jasmine is nowhere to be seen. The Hunchback Noah arrives to tell them the fun part of the date is off. But they'll still get to hang with Jasmine for some deep conversations by a swimming pool.<br />
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She's waiting for them in a hot red bikini, the best kind of attire for serious conversation, I find. Ben Wha-? takes her away first. He hasn't taken a woman to his parents' house in seven years. He's got a bunch of questions for her so keeps his tongue inside his own mouth. She felt a serious vibe from him for the first time. But he doesn't get far because 8-Pack interrupted.<br />
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She's still not sure about living in Winnipeg, though. That's her built-in excuse for 8-Pack. But she also pulls off a Backwards Schneider defence, wherein she tells the button-down 8-Pack that she likes to fly by the seat of her pants and he's more of a homebody type. Remember with Schneider, she wanted a homebody and not someone who flies by the seat of his pants.<br />
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When Nipple Ring sits with her, she takes off the shawl that was covering up the hot red bikini. That might mean something.<br />
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She gives some more time to Ben Wha-?, who's wondering what type of guy she wants. She tells him she's not interested in a type. It's more about connection and compatibility and the future she sees. And it doesn't hurt if they have abs aplenty.<br />
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When they all convene back at the pool, Nipple Ring hugs her and gets a boner.<br />
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No cocktail party. Ben Wha-? wears suspenders so his fate is sealed. He's got no chance to redeem himself. Then again, Nipple Ring and Captain Canada are both wearing capri pants, so all bets are off.<br />
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Noah is bad-ass with his instructions to the guys before the ceremony, telling them that whoever doesn't get a rose, "say your goodbyes and leave immediately." Harsh.<br />
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There are three roses for the remaining four. They go in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Nipple Ring</li>
<li>Captain Canada</li>
<li>8-Pack</li>
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So we bid <i>au revoir</i> to Ben Wha-? He tells her she's in good hands. "Those three guys are beauties," he says. He hugs her and tells her she's such a "nice person." It was so simple yet oddly maybe the most touching thing anyone has ever said in a breakup on this show.<br />
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The After Show featured Schneider, who didn't look much like Rob Schneider at all. We saw highlights of him playing his uke in all sorts of locations. It would have been nice to see some of this on the actual show.<br />
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Schneider's pick is Nipple Ring "all the way." I concur.<br />
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Next week is hometowns. The highlights make it look tense with Nipple Ring's dad and Captain Canada's mom. But we've been fooled by highlights before.<br />
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Next week? No, tonight! Maybe I'll watch.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-62170009861785607472016-10-25T17:53:00.003-07:002016-10-25T17:53:59.976-07:00Bachelorette Canada: Good for businessHi all. Did you enjoy last week's episode? Bachelorette Canada is growing on me, I gotta admit. I don't have a sense that it'll produce a lasting relationship, but whatevs.<br />
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The cast and crew were in Morocco. Very exotic. I don't believe we've ever seen that kind of location in the American version. I'd like to, though.<br />
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Jasmine started the episode off walking around Marrakesh in sexy, short white shorts. Even though they were in Morocco, there was no camel toe. I thought maybe her shorts would be problematic in a largely Muslim country, but later on she and Ben Wha–? were treated to a local belly dancer who put that concern to bed. I guess it's a fairly liberal country.<br />
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There are seven dudes left so we're getting down to the wire. Not sure when the big ending is but it's gotta be any week now.<br />
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Noah (the host) entered and it didn't help that he was sporting new facial hair. We already don't recognize him. Why the need to go even more incognito than he already is?<br />
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The first date is a one-on-one with Ben Wha–? Exactly: <i>Wha–? </i>She seems to really like him. But not in any serious sexual relationship way. Just amused by his goofy antics. Like a BFF. She just loves hanging out with him. He makes her laugh, for some unexplainable reason. "He's just such a little French firecracker," she said. But he may not be aware of his status. As he said, "Tings are getting real right now."<br />
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She wants to go deeper with Ben Wha–? Enough with the jokes and probing tongue. So he offered some platitudes on wanting a family and that seemed to do the trick. She likes how "honest and real" he is. She gave him the rose and said she could see a future with him. Presumably that involves lots of shopping and going for coffee.<br />
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The next date was the dreaded two-on-one with one person at least guaranteed to go home. She chose two relatively nice, sweet fellas: 8-Pack Mike and Sexual Tongue Thomas. The homebody versus the nomad. The body versus the face, said Captain Canada.<br />
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They ride camels into the desolate desert. None of them wore a hat. That doesn't seem sensible.<br />
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In all that expanse, when she took Thomas aside, they couldn't find a private place. They sat in full view of Mike as they discussed their relationship. Mike admitted his life is "very unstructured." She told him it was a "difficult place to start a relationship."<br />
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Then she sat with Mike, in full view of Thomas. Mike told her about his greatest regret. When he was eight, his mother was sick in the hospital. He was invited to a birthday party and decided not to visit his mom that day. And she passed away that night. He vowed never to be that selfish again.<br />
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Rose time. She walked back to Thomas and told him she thought he was an amazing person. That's never a good sign. She admires so much about him, she sniffled. She wants his lifestyle eventually but, again, it would be hard to begin a relationship that way, she said. But haven't they already begun their relationship?<br />
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He took the hint, hugged her and said he wished her happiness and loved every minute of his experience. He dodged a bullet. He was in serious jeopardy of settling down.<br />
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She went over to Mike and told him she could see a future with him. She said he's more regimented than her but that's not a bad thing. Sometimes couples need a balance, she said. So she gave him the rose. She admitted she still has concerns about him but she's looking at long-term potential rather than just feelings of the moment. That's a Bachelor/ette first!<br />
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Cocky Drew knew Mike would be chosen because he feels Mike is more similar to himself. And this was just the beginning of his public unravelling. I have to quote the whole passage of what he said because it's just so ridiculously juicy:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"I'm still a businessman, you know what I mean? It's still respectful to be a prick? The more interesting of a man that I am, the better my career. If I do this show, I don't even have to sell anything. Like, after this, I literally just walk into a room at a conference cocktail party – like I do anyways; I'm a good-looking guy, I do it anyways. I walk in and like, 'Who's that guy?' You know, I just walk around and work the room. With this, I just walk in a room and people will be like, 'There's that guy!' and they'll talk about it, right? Like, they know my name and who I am as opposed to 'Let's find out who that guy is over there.' So it's good for me. It's good for my business."</blockquote>
And that, my friends, is the textbook definition of "not there for the right reasons." He wasn't finished, though. He also said:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"I'd love to do some mid- to low-level acting. Seriously. I seriously would. I think it would be awesome."</blockquote>
I love how he doesn't set his sights too high! Just mid- to low-level.<br />
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And this:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"You need to be a bit of a confident prick. As long as I don't look like a complete ass on TV."</blockquote>
Ooh, too late, buddy!<br />
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The group date is Cocky Drew, Captain Canada (Kevin W), Nipple Ring (Mikhel), and Rob Schneider (Kevin P). They went on a stroll through the market when it started to pour. Good thing they all wore their flood pants.<br />
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They visit a Moroccan tea house where they learn to make mint tea. The key: tons of sugar and try to pour it from a stepladder.<br />
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Captain Canada takes every opportunity to say how much he detests group dates. Poor bunny. He feels like Jasmine is his girlfriend.<br />
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She has a real (or seemingly so) connection with Nipple Ring, who continues to be nervous around her but is very sweet and genuine (or seemingly so). He told her she's one of the most genuinely beautiful people and that melted her.<br />
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She talked with Schneider about his guardedness, but she doesn't take it as a negative. She's wise. She knows he just takes his time getting to know people before getting physical.<br />
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Her conversation with Cocky Drew didn't go as well. He was on auto-pilot, just talking about himself. She called him on it and asked what he wanted to know about her. That stumped him.<br />
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Captain Canada was brooding and intense. He said he was homesick and missing real life. She was the only reason he was still there.<br />
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The rose goes to Nipple Ring, much to the consternation of the jealous Captain Canada. He considered it a "slap in the face." Cocky Drew thought it was a "participation rose" for being "most improved."<br />
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At the cocktail party, Jasmine has a healthy portion of white wine. She needed it with Drew going on and on about his life story. She felt like he was just acting. Low-level, though.<br />
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Jasmine and Rob Schneider finally kissed and it was a good one. He might be the sleeper in this contest. Cocky Drew and Captain Canada both witness the kiss so Captain Canada goes to move in. She called him "grouchy." He told her he wanted the rose. It got quite testy. She said, "How about you let me talk for one second? You can't just expect that I'm going to give you the rose and then have a hissy fit about it if I don't. If I connect with someone – and I feel like I have – then that's up to me." He responded that he's "so fucking embarrassed" and "jealous."<br />
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She makes a great point that I've never heard on any incarnation of this show: "You're not there during my conversations with other people and you may think you've opened up to me a bunch but other people have opened up a lot to me, too." And then just to twist the dagger, she added, "And some a lot more than you."<br />
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He got up and left, saying, "I'm done." I feel there must have been some more drama that was left on the editing room floor. The next thing we see is him saying he wants a rose at the rose ceremony.<br />
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Noah arrives shaved this time. It's rose time. Ben Wha–?, 8-Pack, and Nipple Ring are safe. Two more roses are handed out to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Rob Schneider</li>
<li>Captain Canada</li>
</ol>
So Cocky Drew goes home. That's good for one more raised eyebrow and snicker. He tells a producer, "Is this a fucking joke? You're telling me this girl picked half of these guys over me? You walk me into the classiest joint in Toronto with any of these guys, who do you think gets the girl? It's bullshit. Mark my words, your ratings after this episode... done!" And on his way out muttered, "This girl's a fucking idiot."<br />
<br />
To top it all off, the director asked him if he wanted to be the next Bachelor. His answer: "Yes." Too funny.<br />
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Next week is more Morocco.<br />
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The After Show featured Thomas along with Trista and Ryan. Ryan started out surly, making fun of Canadian accents and admitting he doesn't watch the show, but slowly warmed up. Maybe Trista or a producer reminded him that they paid his family's way to the city for a little vacay.<br />
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And Thomas was a delight. Will we get Cocky Drew this week? Hope so. Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-5628886080564408592016-10-18T19:44:00.002-07:002016-10-18T19:44:39.666-07:00Bachelorette Canada: It's finger-sucking badHey, you. It's me. How've you been? Great. Glad to hear it.<br />
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Last week while watching the show, our cable server went on the fritz. Most of the channels were all glitchy. Twitter told me we weren't the only ones. But what a world we live in! Through the wonders of modern technology, I finished watching a few days later online. What a time to be alive!<br />
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The gang was in Quebec City, or as the locals call it, Quebec. Jasmine had never been there before. She called it beautiful and romantic but stopped short at saying it was the perfect place to fall in love. Duly noted.<br />
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This episode was also brought to us from the good folks at Rotten Ronnie's. More blatant product placement with their (admittedly good) coffee. (Ah, who am I kidding? I also love their Egg McMuffins, cheeseburgers, fries, Big Macs, apple pies, smoothies...)<br />
<br />
The one-on-one date went to 8-Pack Mike. How shallow is this woman? As soon as she sees his bare tummy, she gets all hot and bothered and takes him on a one-on-one. They take off in a helicopter. She says, "I'm really attracted to him." She means, of course, "to his abs."<br />
<br />
Mike has been single for a couple of years, we learn. She tells his abs, "I just feel this building attraction with you." They kiss. Their chemistry is "off the charts." All this is happening on the helicopter and poor Mike has never been in one before. He's missing the tour!<br />
<br />
It's rainy in Quebec City. See, it's not just Vancouver. Hey producers, why not shoot in the summer? You're making us look bad.<br />
<br />
At dinner, they talk about where they might live. Mike is in Winnipeg, but as comedian Nikki Payne said on the After Show, he's a fireman – houses catch on fire everywhere. Great point. He doesn't need to stick around Winnipeg if he doesn't want to. Jasmine thinks Winnipeg is too cold, but on the other hand likes the idea of living closer to her hometown. So she gives him the rose and then they dance awkwardly alone in front of a chanteuse and guitarist.<br />
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The group date was with Nipple Ring, the Inventor, Rob Schneider, and Sexual Tongue (Mikhel, Chris, Kevin P, Thomas, for anyone just stumbling upon this blog for the first time). They're going to do lumberjack stuff wearing red plaid jackets. The Inventor says he doesn't have abs but he does have some hidden strength. Too bad. She only likes guys with abs.<br />
<br />
The winner of the 'jack-off gets a mini date with her. She says she's looking for a strong man but not in a physical way, so what better competition than one that highlights brute strength? They will compete by carrying a log, chopping wood, and hammering nails.<br />
<br />
Old Sexual Tongue, the International Model, was born and raised on a construction site, so he wins with an overall time of 4 minutes 18 seconds. Nipple Ring is a close second, at 4:35. Schneider is 4:49 and the Inventor is 5:14. He needs to invent a time machine to go back and redo the challenge.<br />
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Oh, is anyone watching this new show I keep seeing commercials for? Ben & Laura? What the hell? I love their catch phrase: We survived <i>The Bachelor</i>; now it's time for real life. But make sure it's all filmed, just like in real life. Ben was one of my favourite Bachelors ever. I thought he had a good head on his shoulders. Turns out he's just a fame whore like all the rest of them.<br />
<br />
Jasmine and Thomas ride off in a horse carriage under plaid blankets. She's attracted to his intensity, but she wants to connect with him in a lighter way. Always wanting what she's not getting. They head to a rustic cabin. He brags that he could build it with his eyes closed. He's not just a pretty face.<br />
<br />
Jasmine gets to know both Thomas, the international model, and Tom, the wild party guy who dances till the music shuts off. Although there was no dancing and no music, including his bad singing into a wine bottle. He sounds like every boy band you ever heard. I mean, points for trying, and all, but maybe he should have waited until they were on a karaoke date.<br />
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She gives Sexual Tongue a rose and they cheers to getting weird and kiss.<br />
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The next group date is with Ben Wha?, Captain Canada, and Cocky Drew. Drew says he's not going to fight for Jasmine. He's obviously taking those texts with Chad to heart.<br />
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The date is to Siberia Spa, because when you think of relaxing spas to pamper yourself, you think of Siberia.<br />
<br />
Jasmine's going to get a mani, a pedi, and a massage. And the fellas are going to give them to her. Only she'll be blindfolded and they are to remain silent.<br />
<br />
Cocky Drew draws the massage. He undoes her bikini top and she says to be careful of the side boob. Then he straddles her. Silently.<br />
<br />
Anyone can give a massage. But how the hell do you do a mani or pedi without training? Turns out you don't. You just give a hand or foot massage. Ben Wha? gives the hand massage and includes some finger sucking. Gross. She immediately knows it's him. He's still unwatchable.<br />
<br />
Captain Canada does the foot massage. Lots of toe porn for the foot fetishists out there. She loves it. She can tell that the person doing it wants her. She feels giddy. I think she can see our the bottom of her blindfold. She nails all three.<br />
<br />
Once it's over, Ben Wha? tells her about his family's chalet. She sees his serious side so he wastes no more time and goes in for the slobbery kiss. She laughs and pushes him away. Somewhere, Seth is wondering what he did wrong.<br />
<br />
Drew tells her "exactly what she wants to hear." He tells her about a house he recently bought by the beach. Then before he goes in for his first kiss, he says, "I haven't tested these lips out." She just laughs at that because that's just the way he is, always a salesman. Yet somehow she feels attracted to him.<br />
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Capt. Canada doesn't ask for one-on-one time. He's a bit jealous so he just sits sulking in the hot tub. So he can't get the rose. And the always mugging Ben Wha? can't possibly get one. So Cocky Drew wins the rose by process of elimination. He gets even cockier.<br />
<br />
At the cocktail party, Nipple Ring whispers to Jasmine that he get really shy in front of the cameras. She tells him she knows and that it's annoying so stop it. But he manages to get out that he's coming at her full speed. They kiss.<br />
<br />
The Inventor says he's going to lay it all on the line and go in for the kiss. He says he's nervous but confident. He tells the cameras that she's got beautiful lips (do you think they're aided by collagen?) and he can't wait to grab her and start making out.<br />
<br />
Guess what? Doesn't happen. After giving her a "gift" of the lyrics he wrote to the song they recorded in Jamaica, he leans in. And she leans out. Shut down! He's experienced this many times before with women. Seriously? Many times? I kinda like Chris, but maybe he's not the best at reading situations if this is happening to him many times.<br />
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Jasmine tells him she hasn't had the time to build that kind of connection with him. So that gives him hope that she'll want to have more time to build a connection. Oh poor dear Inventor. Denial ain't just a river in Africa, as they say.<br />
<br />
Noah, the host, enters. I don't think I'll ever get used to him as the show's face. It's rose ceremony time. 8-Pack, Sexual Tongue, and Cocky Drew all have roses. There are four more to hand out, with one person going home. They go in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Nipple Ring</li>
<li>Captain Canada</li>
<li>Ben Wha?</li>
<li>Rob Schneider</li>
</ol>
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So she chooses old slobbery kiss Ben Wha? over Baby Einstein. Her loss. The Inventor is going home. Noah doesn't quite understand the host's function. He just memorized some stock line and tried to apply it in this situation. With only one guy going home, Noah said, "Gentlemen, if you did not receive a rose, say your goodbyes." Chris Harrison would have known to personalize it to the one person who needs to say goodbye. Noah was on autopilot.<br />
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Chris says, "the evasive thing called love continues to evade me... Why is it the nice guys always lose?... At what point does that change?" And he broke down in the limo.<br />
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Next week they're going camel riding in Morocco. Cool!<br />
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The After Show featured the detestable Ashley I along with the Inventor. He was great. Ashley I (which stands for Eyebrow, apparently) was wearing a v-neck shirt that vee'd down to her naval. She managed to get through the show without crying.<br />
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There were two segments with host Jenn gabbing with a Superfan in a spa. Let's not make this a regular thing, huh, producers?<br />
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The comedian was Nikki Payne, who was a live wire. But somebody in the control room was asleep. They allowed a tweet that said she sounded like a pirate and needed more wine to display along the bottom.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-61067755441477630652016-10-11T01:15:00.001-07:002016-10-11T01:15:46.095-07:00Bachelorette Canada: Butts and Abs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Late to the party again. What does that tell you? I'm not sure, either. I'm enjoying the season well enough, I guess. Just in no hurry to watch. But I'm all caught up. Here's what I saw:<br />
<br />
The gang is in Montréal this week. It's a perfect place to fall in love, Jasmine tells us, just like she did in Jamaica, and I'm sure she will in Québec City next time. I predict a lot of annoying Benoit in this episode. It's his hometown, after all.<br />
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The date card arrives and Captain Canada is about to read it when Cocky Drew grabs it. He proceeds to tell everyone the one-on-one date will go to Chris. Chris is overjoyed and the other guys react jealously. Then Cocky Drew says he was just kidding. What a kidder! The one-on-one date actually goes to Nipple Ring Mikhel.<br />
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I guess it doesn't happen until the next day, though, because they needed to get a plug in. Jasmine enters carrying a cardboard carrying tray of two coffees from McDonald's (which, you may be surprised to learn, actually makes good coffee – and a lot cheaper than Starbucks). She brings the coffee into a sleeping Mikhel's bedroom.<br />
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The rest of the guys are treated to tasty croissants, also from McD's. A little over the top with the product placement, I'd say. Also, I'm craving a Big Mac.<br />
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Her date with Nipple Ring involves going into the city and defacing property. They're going to create street art, aka graffiti. Her idea is to paint a big rose on the side of a building. She's pretty good at it, too. No stencil or anything. Nipple Ring, on the other hand, ain't so talented. But together they produce a decent flower and cut out before the coppers can nab them.<br />
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At night, Jas and Mik hit a chateau. I mean, they visit it, not tag it with paint. Inside a quartet is playing and singing and the couple feels ye olde Bachelor/ette pressure to slow dance and kiss in front of the group. How awkward it must be to be standing there all alone pretending to like the band and making out in front of them. There's no crowd to hide in.<br />
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They also brought their swimwear because it turns out there's a hot tub in the castle. Then we get the two of them sitting on the ledge talking, each in their bathing suit. I wonder if the producers told them to.<br />
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Mikhel tells her he was born in India but moved to Canada at four months old. He says his parents are chill and his sister is a doctor so he'll always come up short in comparison. Jasmine tells him she loves his humility. That can't bode well for Cocky Drew. Anyway, she gives Mikhel a rose.<br />
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The first of two group dates takes a visit to the Cirque du Soleil creative studios, as you knew they would. Bien sûr. Four guys will perform for her, and the one who stands out the most will get a private date. And we know it's going to be Benoit, right?<br />
<br />
Andrew (who I still haven't got a handle on) will perform on the trampoline/fake bed; Kevin "Rob Schneider" P. will do the Chinese pole; David the musician will work the straps; and Benoit will be on the bungee trapeze.<br />
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David has the hardest challenge. He feels like he's always getting the short end of the stick. Is that even an expression? Sounds like it, but as I write it I wonder how can there be a short end of a stick? Maybe he means he always draws the short stick. Yeah, that makes more sense.<br />
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Kevin P. goes first on the Chinese pole. Turns out a Chinese pole is pretty much just a pole. As Andrew says, it looks like he's been on the pole before. He knows his way around the thing. And no, he didn't shower after it.<br />
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Andrew jumps around on the giant fake bed and then off into a big foam pit.<br />
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David gets pulled skyward by the straps.<br />
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Benoit does flips 40 feet in the air then grabs onto a trapeze and manages to blow French kisses down to Jasmine.<br />
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She chooses Ben. Wha-? Rigged.<br />
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They go watch a Cirque show then somewhere else to talk and gross kiss. He's goofy and annoying throughout but she thinks it's the "Frenchness in him that makes him so expressive." She likes his quirks. To me, he looks like everything I hate about French comedians (Gad Elmaleh excluded). But now I see why they're so popular in Quebec and France. They love that goofiness, the clownish aspects of comedy.<br />
<br />
He goes for a kiss. Looks like it could have been assault, but she calls it "intense passion," but admits he "could tone it down a bit." He is maybe the most aggressive kisser I've seen. She says she feels desired by him and that they have a good connection. Also, the more she gets to know him, the more she likes him. Basically the opposite of every viewer. She gives him a rose and he proceeds to attack her face again.<br />
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The next group date sees a 3-on-3 football match, captained by two members of the Montreal Alouettes. Jasmine says she's not that into watching sports but doesn't mind football because you can see their butts.<br />
<br />
We got Team Hotties, with the Inventor, Captain Canada, and 8-Pack Mike (we'll get to that) against Team Naughties, with Cocky Drew, Giant Kyle, and Sexual Tongue. Naughties are the Vegas favourites due to the fact the Inventor (Chris) has never played sports before.<br />
<br />
The first to three touchdowns wins. Team Naughties races out to a 2-0 lead behind scores from the Giant and Cocky Drew. But the Hotties come back behind the first career TD of the Inventor and 8-Pack. Nail-biting time.<br />
<br />
The Naughties fumble a pass before Captain Canada (on a badly sprained ankle) manages to hold on in the end zone for sweet victory. Only it doesn't matter at all because Jasmine goes back on her word and invites them all along to the after party. Bogus.<br />
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They all go out with Jasmine, except Captain Canada who's getting his foot looked at. She takes Mike aside and tells him she's heard tell that beneath his blouse he's carrying an 8-pack around. Humble Mike hems and haws. He's not one to blow his own horn. She then demands him to take off his shirt and she's blown away. At once they go from friends to something more. Yes, she's that shallow. She's treating men like a piece of meat! She just wants to see abs and football players' bums!<br />
<br />
Captain Canada, by the way, finally arrived in a walking cast. Hero. <br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Cocky Drew seems to be mellowing. He tells the Inventor he should get the rose for stepping up in the big game. And there was no payoff guffaw. He seemed sincere. That made the Inventor suspicious. He vows to reveal the real Drew to unsuspecting Jasmine. Because that always works out.<br />
<br />
The Inventor takes her aside and pops open some champagne. He butters her up by telling her she keeps getting more and more beautiful. She tells him she's blown away by him and adds, "and I'm not just saying that." The Inventor takes it in stride: "I believe you."<br />
<br />
Then he gets down to brass tacks. He says to beware of Drew and tells her about the humiliating date card experience Cocky Drew put him through.<br />
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Jasmine tells Cocky Drew she's heard he might have been "bully-ish" with some people. He immediately fesses up about the date card prank, calling it a spur-of-the-moment practical joke. And he immediately apologized. He says it's what guys do. Donald Trump gets it.<br />
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Jasmine decides against giving anyone a rose on the date. And she leaves.<br />
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Noah (the host, remember?) arrives the next day to say forget about a cocktail party. Jasmine needs more time to reflect on what she needs to do. The guys are sitting around on sofas dumbstruck. Took me a while to recognize Cocky Drew. He was going incognito, wearing a black toque and big Elvis Costello glasses. Or maybe they were Ben-Wha–?'s specs.<br />
<br />
At the rose ceremony, Nipple Ring and Ben Wha–? already have roses. Six more will be handed out. Three guys are going home. They go in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>8-Pack</li>
<li>Captain Canada</li>
<li>Sexual Tongue's Man Bun</li>
<li>Rob Schneider</li>
</ol>
At this point she asks to speak to Cocky Drew. She wants to know if he's there for her, if he's serious about this for real. He says, "I like you and I can see something with you in the future but if you can't, you can't give me the rose." What a romantic.<br />
<br />
She walks back out and hands out the final two roses:<br />
<br />
5. The Inventor<br />
6. Cocky Drew<br />
<br />
Because the producers love drama. Remember, it was 100 percent their pick.<br />
<br />
Going home are Musician David, Giant Kirk, and Andrew. David crouches down and hangs his head. Andrew tells him to get up, "Don't let her see you like that." Yeah, wouldn't want her to know you actually had feelings for her.<br />
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But all three took the high road and handled it well. Kirk said, "I have two cats at home that really need me so there's always a silver lining."<br />
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Next week they're off to Québec City, a bus ride away.<br />
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The After Show was pretty good, too. It featured Bad Chad, comedian Deb DiGiovanni, a Mulroney, and a superfan.<br />
<br />
I have said (and kind of maintain) that the overly excitable "audience" is canned, but I've been informed by inside sources that there is, indeed, an audience, although what we hear from them is probably sweetened. How do regular Vancouverites like me get invited to sit in the studio audience? Maybe the audience is just friends and family of the camera operators.<br />
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In the show we found out that Bad Chad has been texting with Cocky Drew. BC sees CD's point of view. I can just see a spinoff series starring these two dudes.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-91177313335856251272016-10-04T00:33:00.002-07:002016-10-04T00:33:38.368-07:00Bachelorette Canada: The confidence game<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I'm back! Just in time, too. But listen, I had a semi-good excuse for my tardiness last week. We moved house. Never a fun time. But we're all settled in now (for the most part) and I finally could sit down tonight and watch last week's episode. Here's what I noticed:<br />
<br />
The gang started with a group date in Jamaica. Jasmine took her fellas to a rooftop ratty tennis court to learn some dance moves from a couple of local dance hall guys. Is that what it's called? Not sure. Doesn't really matter. Jasmine is looking for confidence more than dancing talent. Good thing.<br />
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Cocky Drew says he walks "the fine line between confident and cocky." I'd say that line is so fine as to be practically invisible.<br />
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JP, the nudie, probably has the most misplaced confidence of anyone there. He says his canvas is his body. He's an artist, he says.<br />
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Once the guys have developed a unique move, they take the elevator down from the roof to perform on the streets. They stop to change wardrobes along the way so at least they look the part in the seconds when they walk out in front of everywhere before they start dancing.<br />
<br />
Sexual Tongue Thomas dances like a stripper, Jasmine thinks. JP does a back flip I guess because he can. And Jas is impressed with Drew because he went for it "with full confidence." What else did she expect from him?<br />
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Mikhel surprises me with a nipple piercing. The unassuming aviation engineer is a freak!<br />
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Later Cocky Drew tells Jasmine he was engaged nine months ago. But he says it with his hand firmly on Jasmine's bare knee and gives her his patented look to make the sale. She bought.<br />
<br />
Who is this Scott kid who showed up all episode? I'm sure he's been there all along, but I have no recollection of the shy guy from Winnipeg. Makes me think these shows should randomly add a new person into the mix without letting the viewers know. Just play it like they've been there all along. I'm sure most people wouldn't catch on. That is, if most people are like me.<br />
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She gives the rose to someone who showed confidence through performance and through conversation: Cocky Drew. He celebrates the next morning by strutting around in rose-adorned boxer shorts and laughing annoyingly. He tells everyone his goal is to "get lit."<br />
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The one-on-one date goes to Kevin W., the ex-marine. They get the first helicopter ride of the season. Remember when a helicopter would make an appearance every other episode? And alternating episodes would be rapelling down the side of a building.<br />
<br />
Kevin says the last time he was in a helicopter, he jumped out of it into the ocean. What a stud. Except then we see that he and Jasmine are wearing the exact same shoes. They're unisex Chuck Taylors. They kiss in the air. She's drawn to how real it feels with him.<br />
<br />
The chopper lands and the couple do a walking tour of a bat cave. Not nearly as cool as Bruce Wayne's Bat Cave, though. This one is filled with actual bats. Studly Kevin W. is wigged out by them. Jasmine just thinks they're cute.<br />
<br />
A table and candles are set up somewhere inside the cave. They sip wine while dodging bat poop. He confesses he's a serial first dater. Says he must have been on a hundred first dates. Then he tells of the pressure he felt as a youth. His older brother was a real stud. Drafted by the New York Mets before a stabbing situation prevented him from ever playing baseball again. Kevin felt the pressure to live up to his brother's studliness. I'd say he succeeded, even if he didn't play baseball.<br />
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Jas gives Kevin W. a rose. He's got potential, she thinks. She says he's surprised her the most in every single way. They kiss. He admits that maybe he's only been on 50 first dates.<br />
<br />
Another group date. This one includes David, the musician, who so far is 0-for-5 on dates. Going dateless this week is Chris. Cocky Drew cackles over that.<br />
<br />
The gang arrives at what looks like a kindergarten. They are to make art with a bunch of local very cute kids. And the guys are all great with them. Mikhel is a little less fun than the others, but still fine. Whoever impresses her the most gets to go on a date with her.<br />
<br />
Andrew likes kids because he says he's on the same maturity level as them. Giant Kyle has a blast, dancing around getting glitter everywhere with his kids, although he has very odd sweat marks on his thighs and crotch. And Kevin P. also has a great time. He totally reminds me of a better looking Rob Schneider.<br />
<br />
David, the musician, tells the young girls he's paired with that he's a singer. Jasmine is wondering if he's there for her or to showcase his talent. She wants to see the real David. But what I think she's missing is that David is a singer because that is who he is as a human being. That is him being real. He's not just a guy who decided to become a singer; he's a singer because he's a singer. So I think she's judging him a little harshly. She says his singing "just doesn't let up."<br />
<br />
The winner, she decides, is Kevin P. Their solo time is rained out so they just sit on a covered balcony, sip wine, and talk. He tells her he's spent the past four years on the road, where one ends up saying goodbye a lot. She asks if he wants to be a dad. Usually on these shows, the person doesn't hesitate. It's always just, "Oh my God, yes, absolutely! I want a dozen of them!" But Kevin P. paused. He said there was a time when he didn't but now his nieces are making him reconsider. Then for some inexplicable reason he shares a story of his 4.5-year-old niece asking him on the way to the airport, "Uncle Kevin, are you going away because you're scared to love?" You just know his sister planted that thought into her little head.<br />
<br />
It gives Jasmine pause, though. Wasn't just a cute little story. Now she's thinking the kid might actually be on to something. But she gives Kevin P. the rose anyway.<br />
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Hanging around the pool at the resort, Cocky Drew feigns an interest in Chris's plight. He suggests Chris ask Jasmine what her 5-year plan is, then turns his back on Chris and mumbles to Kevin W., "knowing full well that she hates that." But Chris, as Cocky Drew always points out, is no dummy. He saw right through the advice. Chris thinks Drew is "malicious." Cue the dastardly Cocky Drew laugh, which we heard all episode.<br />
<br />
At the cocktail party, Mikhel stole Jasmine first. Not only that, but he led her to seclusion and then kissed her long and hard before even speaking. Or maybe his nipple ring was caught in her dress. Hard to say.<br />
<br />
Earlier in the classroom, Jasmine told the guys she's not a big fan of presents; she much prefers a gift someone makes themself because it means so much more. Someone was paying attention because Mikhel whipped out a very crude string with a piece of coral on it. He called it a "necklace." Then he said with a straight face, "I love making things."<br />
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Dateless Chris knew he had to get some time in. He told the cameras, "I'm hanging by a thread. But then again, so do spiders. And that's where they do some of their best work." He interrupts Mikhel. Chris tells Jasmine he never made the sports teams when he was young so when he was living in Saskatchewan he started a non-profit group for kids. Humble brag.<br />
<br />
When he gets back out to the guys, Cocky Drew is curious how it went. He asks Chris what they chatted about. Chris said, "Five-year plans." Then he quickly admitted he was kidding and yammered on about connections. I thought he should have left it at those three words and walked off. Would have driven Cocky Drew insane.<br />
<br />
Kevin W., with a rose already, then interrupted Shy Scott, who was telling Jasmine again how shy he is. Other fellas don't like it. I'm not a fan of it, either, but why didn't they just go and interrupt Kevin W? Turnabout is fair play.<br />
<br />
(On the After Show, Kaitlyn and Shawn were guests, and they both were in favour of such interruptions. She said she wanted Shawn to come and make a connection even though he had a rose. But the rose means you'll be there for another week. He's got a whole other week to make that connection.)<br />
<br />
So the two Kevins and Cocky Drew have roses. Two will go home tonight. My prediction was they'd be JP and Shy Scott. Then again, while they were lined up, I got a glimpse of Mikhel in capri pants and could understand if he were let go just based on those. And Thomas's chapeau wasn't helping either. But let's see if I'm right. The rest of the roses went in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Andrew</li>
<li>Mike</li>
<li>Giant Kyle</li>
<li>Mikhel</li>
<li>Chris</li>
<li>Thomas, who removed his hat to greet Jasmine like an old-timey gentleman</li>
<li>David</li>
<li>Benoit</li>
</ol>
Nailed it! That means buh-bye to JP and Scott. Neither was too upset.<br />
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Next week they head back to Canada. They'll be in Benoit's hometown of Montreal. There he can show off his masterful French-speaking ability.<br />
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The After Show has gone overboard with the canned audience. Someone's really riding those levels so that everything is a massive cheer. There's no way a Canadian audience pulls that off for half an hour. The only way I'll believe there's a studio audience is if they turn the cameras around and prove it.<br />
<br />
Other than that (and host Jenn's bad case of "oot and aboot"), I like the show. They get good guests and it gets spirited and fun. Kaitlyn, who is not a Cocky Drew fan, said she knew, though, that the show needs a villain otherwise people wouldn't watch. I respectfully disagree. That's a relatively recent phenomenon and people always watched. There are always people who are going to be less liked, but I don't think the producers need to artificially enhance anyone's villainous qualities or attract contestants they know will take on that role.<br />
<br />
Agree? Disagree? Is anyone watching this? I know some of my readers have been in the United States and so they can't watch this, but is anyone else out there? What are your thoughts? <br />(Do I sound desperate? I'm not. Just curious. Like Cocky Drew.)Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-88899786954601887612016-09-27T01:18:00.001-07:002016-09-27T01:18:26.091-07:00Bachelorette Canada: A line is drawn<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Maybe my new thing is to post these "recaps" on the eve of the next episode as a kind of refresher. Yeah, let's go with that. Instead of an immediate recap, it's kind of a trip down memory lane. So here is the second update of <i>Bachelorette Canada</i>.<br />
<br />
The gang is in sunny and warm Jamaica this week. One hallmark of the Canadian versions of this franchise is that they always give many verbal plugs to wherever they're staying. They get as many of the participants to casually mention the hotel in conversation. I counted three verbal plugs and as many visual ones. I guess I understand it but it does give off the vibe that we just don't have the bucks to produce a show without as much help as we can get.<br />
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<a href="http://www.bhphotovideo.com/images/images1000x1000/american_recorder_oas_2005_rd_applause_sign_with_1180059.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.bhphotovideo.com/images/images1000x1000/american_recorder_oas_2005_rd_applause_sign_with_1180059.jpg" height="200" width="200" /></a>Jasmine says Jamaica is the "perfect place to fall in love." Easy there, Juliet. It's your second time meeting these yahoos. And that was the other talking point. We heard "it's the perfect place to fall in love" from a few of the guys, too.<br />
<br />
Host Noah walks in to a round of applause. There must have been an applause sign behind him. How does anyone know who he is?<br />
<br />
The one-on-one date goes to Thomas and his man-bun. One of the guys tells him he only has a couple of hours to get ready so he better start brushing his hair. Burn! Jasmine picked the international model because he's "a dreamboat." What was her nickname for him? Old Sexual Tongue? I'm sure she's hoping to experience some of that slimy muscle.<br />
<br />
They go 4-wheel driving in an all-terrain vehicle then proceed to drive on one terrain, an nicely coifed dirt road with one puddle. They stop at the beach for a picnic. He tells her about his start in international modelling. He was working for his father's construction company when he fell off a roof and broke both ankles. Since it is a well-known fact that international model agencies prefer men who hobble due to injury, his path was all but chosen for him.<br />
<br />
He got the rose and SWAK. She's wearing a skin-toned bikini bottom so every time I see her walking, my first thought is that she's naked from the waist down. I mean, it's Canadian television so it's not completely out of the realm of possibility. We hear the occasional "shit," too. That is, they don't bleep the word; it's not that they put microphones in the outhouses.<br />
<br />
The stand in the water and kiss some more as drones fly up and give us all angles from above.<br />
<br />
Calgary Chris, the inventor, got lots of screen time this week. He's not one of the 'roid monkeys. He said there's "more that I think about in a day than what I'm eating and what I look like." Needless to say, Cocky Drew doesn't trust him. Chris draws the line between the thinkers and the Toronto bros. Other than Chris and Drew, I'm not sure who falls into which category.<br />
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Next is a group date. Jasmine and eight of the guys go to a recording studio where Bob Marley recorded his greatest hits. (Bob Marley the reggae dude, not Bob Marley the comedian.)<br />
<br />
Drew tells us that every one of his "serious exes" is blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful, so Jasmine is right in that realm for him. In other words, she'll make a perfect serious ex.<br />
<br />
They walk into the studio and Jasmine says, "You can smell the history" and not one person makes a gange joke.<br />
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The challenge is that the guys will be in two groups, each composing and singing a reggae song for her. The winning group goes on a date. Drew is not liking the challenge. He's a salesman, he reminds us unnecessarily; not a performer. "I'm from the Six but I'm not Drake, okay?" (By the way, the Six is hands-down the lamest nickname for a city in the history of city nicknames.)<br />
<br />
Chris is up for the challenge. She calls him Quirky Chris. I like Jasmine. She does all the work for me. And this nickname rolls off the tongue better than Sexual Tongue, ironically. She should come up with a better nickname for Toronto.<br />
<br />
Drew's foursome is loathsome. Not a one can carry a tune. They call themselves, unspectacularly, Bachelor Quartet. Benoit warbles in French, still under the misguided impression that his thick Quebecois accent is sexy. She says it's his "go-to move to impress the ladies." Yeah, because speaking in your first language is so impressive. The group is so bad that Drew doesn't stand out as any worse than anyone else.<br />
<br />
Chris' group comes up with a great name: The Jazzmen. Or maybe they'd spell it The Jas Men. Not only can each one of them carry a tune, they also all give it a real reggae vibe.<br />
<br />
But then she says the craziest thing. She says they both did such an incredible job. She even gives a fake pause as if she's mulling over her decision but eventually awards the right group with the win.<br />
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In the date, she admits to having a thing for Seth. She thinks he reminds her of Justin Trudeau. She says our dashing prime minister is her biggest crush. Come on, producers. If you can't get JT in for a guest appearance (preferably shirtless), you've failed a nation.<br />
<br />
She tells Seth he stands out the most out of any person there. She likes that he gets along with the others but is kind of shy. He says he's totally shy. Then to prove his point, he kisses her and rams his decidedly Unsexual Tongue down her throat. She mumbles, "Not so much tongue." At least that's what we think she said. It was hard to understand her given the visiting tongue lodged in her mouth.<br />
<br />
He said he was nervous. She told us it was not the kiss she was looking for. Well, lah-di-dah, Miss Picky.<br />
<br />
Kevin, I think it was, walked in on the tongue attack. Awkward. So off goes Seth. Kevin asks Jasmine what she and Seth were talking about. She deflects, saying, "Let's just talk about us." Stung by what he witnessed, he said, "Is there an us?" He proceeds to grill her, but she likes it. And then they're interrupted by "Ten feet of Kyle."<br />
<br />
She gives the group date rose to Kevin because of the questions he challenged her with. That caught him by surprise. He said the conversation is more important than making out with someone he doesn't know.<br />
<br />
A smaller group date goes to the beach to sumo wrestle. Only because we're in Jamaica, it's called Jamaican Beach Wrestling. But make no mistake, it's sumo wrestling.<br />
<br />
Kevin W says he's more of a lover than a fighter but his look belies his words. He's all muscly and has lots of tatts. Just goes to show: You can't judge a book by all its tattoos. The fellas call him Captain Canada because he's apparently an ex-marine, ex-Navy Seal, ex-doctor, and ex-nurse. I don't think all those things can be true.<br />
<br />
The final is between Naked JP (who's mercifully not naked during the match) and Captain Canada. JP has no definition. Remember they dubbed him No-pack Shakur? Looks like Captain Canada would win easily but JP used to wrestle in high school so he knows what he's doing. And JP pulls out the victory.<br />
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Even though JP won the match, she's taking all the guys out because JP isn't ripped enough for her taste. They play Spin the Bottle Truth or Dare. She wants to see if they can take things a little more seriously because what better way than by playing Spin the Bottle? JP gets all serious by agreeing to strip naked.<br />
<br />
Mikhel had his heart broken twice. Captain Canada has never cheated on a girlfriend but has been cheated on. He takes her away in the middle of the game. His backstory is he joined the military at 20 and served for five years. That's that.<br />
<br />
She tells Captain Canada her parents split up and she was raised by her mom. Her father struggled with addiction and alcoholism and died when she was 12.<br />
<br />
She tells Mikhel he's a super man and super hot, but she gives the rose to Captain Canada. Both roses were decided through conversation. And both went to guys named Kevin.<br />
<br />
Cocktail party time. David had no date. He's the "Top that!" guy who played with a string trio. He asks her about her family. Dude, weren't you paying attention? We just saw her answer Captain Canada!<br />
<br />
She tells Mikhel he looks like Clark Kent and didn't mean it as the insult it sounds like. She said, "If you knew how good looking you are, you wouldn't be as good looking as you are..." Or something like that. It was very meta.<br />
<br />
She rubs the back of Mikhel's head, basically begging him to kiss her. He complies. His hands tremble, but this was the kiss she was hoping it would be.<br />
<br />
Seth is feeling confident, but she tells him she wasn't thrilled with the awkward kiss. He agrees it was awkward and says he was distracted and that he wasn't even listening to her half the time she was talking. Bold move. Women love it when you tell them that. Seth, don't give away our secrets! You're breaking the Man Code!<br />
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She asks him if he's ever kissed a person with feeling. Leading the witness, your honour! He admits maybe he hasn't, then asks her if she's ever been in love. "Of course! Haven't you?" she replies. He says, "I dunno. Maybe once." She tells him he's emotionally disconnected. He tells her he can fix that and asks her to give him another shot. After all, he still looks like Trudeau. (Actually, I thought he had more of a Matthew McConaughey vibe.) She tells him he was her favourite. Past tense.<br />
<br />
Rose ceremony. Sexual Tongue, Captain Canada and Kevin P all have roses. The others go in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Clark Kent</li>
<li>Benoit, who when asked if he'll accept her rose, answers with, "Avec plaîsir." Shut up.</li>
<li>Ten Feet of Kyle</li>
<li>Andrew... ?</li>
<li>Top That!</li>
<li>Cocky Drew</li>
<li>Nudie JP</li>
<li>Scott Who?</li>
<li>Winnipeg Mike</li>
<li>Quirky Chris</li>
</ol>
That means Wallay and Seth are gonzo. Seth walks up to her on his way out and says, "It's okay. I just don't think the connection was there. It's not a bad thing." She just laughs him off.<br />
<br />
The After Show got their canned audience plugged in right off the top this week. And Jenn is more relaxed and fun. Although she's living up to the stereotype. I don't hear "oot and aboot" thing too much. It's a gross exaggeration when Americans say we say that. But I definitely heard it from Jenn.<br />
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One of the guests was comedian Daryn Jones. I'm pretty plugged into the comedy world and I'm not familiar with Daryn. He was pretty good, though. But producers, there's a wealth of comedic talent in Vancouver. Why not use some? Did you know Dino Archie was on <i>Jimmy Kimmel</i> a few months ago? And did you know what he talked about in his standup routine? <i>The Bachelorette</i>! He's right under your nose!<br />
<br />
Not much to report. Or anything, really. So I'll leave it at that. And I'll be back again some time before the airing of the fourth episode.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-2411474019785852172016-09-19T22:29:00.002-07:002016-09-19T22:29:28.145-07:00Bachelorette Canada: Here we goI'm getting into a real bad habit here not posting a recap until the day before the next episode airs. So sue me! But before I get to it, I received a comment on the last blog post that I should copy and paste here for anyone interested:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Just thought you and your readers should know! We are excited to
announce #Bachelorweek, a chance to talk face to face with your favorite
cast members from seasons past, all from the comfort of your own living
room. Live on Bidchat.com! Former Bachelor and Bachelorette
contestants will be live throughout the week, starting on 9/19. You can
watch for free, or bid in to meet them face to face! Proceeds go to
#smiletrain. @Bidchat<br /><br />Promo Video here: <a href="https://www.facebook.com/Bidchat-746770305450967/">https://www.facebook.com/Bidchat-746770305450967/</a> </blockquote>
There you go. Now on with the show.<br />
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Canada has played host to two other Bachelor seasons but this is the first for a Bachelorette Canada. Exciting, right? We'll see. It airs on the W network, whatever that is. I searched for it and set the PVR up to record. Then, since I was at the TV at the scheduled start time, I just turned to that channel. The information guide said it was Bachelorette Canada but what was airing was Sex and the City. Almost the same thing but not quite.<br />
<br />
I had to search and search before I found it. By the time I got there, the great Jillian Harris was giving advice to our own Bachelorette, Jasmine. This is going to be the greatest episode ever, I thought (since Jillian was the greatest Bachelorette in Bachelorette history).<br />
<br />
I may have jumped the gun a little bit. It seems slicker (in a bad way) than the old version and the American versions. But time will tell. It's hard getting used to new digs and a new host. Not even old whatsisname from the two previous Canadian versions was back. There was some new dude. A guy by the name of Noah Cappe. So far, no personality but in fairness, he was probably as nervous as Jasmine. Oh, and Noah appears to be a giant. Either that or Jasmine is a tiny, perfect person.<br />
<br />
Twenty "amazing men from across the country" converged on Vancouver to meet our heroine. I think the show should have had a token American or Russian on, just as the American version always has a token Canadian or Russian.<br />
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The limos pull up in the rain. Did I mention this was Vancouver? You know, for those of you outside city limits, Vancouver has a probably deserved reputation for its rain. That being said, the sky is blue all summer long without fail. Maybe the producers can look into shooting during the summer months in the future to help our bad rep.<br />
<br />
And here we go. Filing out of the limousines were:<br />
<ol>
<li>Kevin, a firefighter from Waterloo. I believe they said he is also an ex-marine. I had no idea Canada had marines. "I wasn't nervous till I seen you," he said as I cringed. He should have added "eh" to complete it.</li>
<li>Wale, pronounced Wall-eh?, a 28-year-old occupational therapist from Winnipeg, who loves to say wow.</li>
<li>David, a 26-year-old musician from Windsor. He's so normal he had to repeat his name four times in hopes that Jasmine would remember him.</li>
<li>Drew, a 32-year-old vice president of a medical company. A born salesman, he's a bit too much. Says he can sell ice to an "Eskimo." I think he means Inuit.</li>
<li>Benoit exits the vehicle to the accompaniment of French accordion music because he's from Quebec. Uh... okay. He's a 29-year-old maitre d' in a high class Montreal restaurant. He speaks French to Jasmine in his thick Quebecois accent. Not too sexy.</li>
<li>Mike, a 29-year-old shirtless firefighter/paramedic from Winnipeg pays the limo driver to take off with the other guys in the back. The limo driver does. But he comes back.</li>
<li>Andrew, a 29-year-old from Toronto, arrives with a red box. We don't find out what's inside.</li>
<li>Taylor, a 31-year-old oil field equipment manager from Collingwood, Ontario, wherever that is.</li>
<li>Kyle, a true giant from Hamilton. He's old and tall. 36 and 6-foot-7. He has two cats that he treats like his children, of which he has none. He knelt down when meeting tiny Jasmine.</li>
<li>Kevin P. is the only Vancouverite. He's a 35-year-old deckhand who plays the ukulele. He wrote her a song that's actually pretty good. He's smooth. Then he goes inside and pukes his guts out; claims food poisoning.</li>
<li>Chris is a 30-year-old inventor from Calgary whose big invention is a burning rose. Good luck with that.</li>
<li>Dana, 30 years old from Gatineau, backflips off the limo because why not?</li>
<li>Tony is a cowboy from you'll never guess where. Calgary! Who'd a thunk it?! He's 27.</li>
<li>Eddie, a 32-year-old from St. John, nervously set up a telescope.</li>
<li>Scott, a 27-year-old carpenter from Winnipeg, made Jasmine a box. That's two boxes so far and three guys from Winnipeg.</li>
<li>Seth is a 25-year-old bartender from Edmonton and amateur photographer. He took a selfie of himself with Jasmine.</li>
<li>Mikhel is a 28-year-old from Ottawa who might be an aviation engineer. He works on helicopters and rides motorbikes. He loves his choppers, I guess. He also loves announcing what he's going to do. "I'm gonna plant one on your cheek and then we'll meet inside," he told Jasmine. Thanks for the heads-up.</li>
<li>Ross is a 31-year-old welder from Halifax who recites haiku with long, pregnant pauses.</li>
<li>Thomas is a 30-year-old international model from Regina... Wait, I don't think I read that right. Regina? Model? Seems to check out. He has long Fabio-like hair. He claims he's a deeper individual than some.</li>
<li>JP is a 27-year-old butler in the buff. And he arrives like he's on duty with only an apron. When he walks away, we see his bare bottom. The guys tease him that he's No-pack Shakur for his lack of definition in his midsection.</li>
</ol>
Yes, these guys are as generally shallow as the Americans. That's all women are looking for in a husband – abs. And they are all single because...?<br />
<br />
The host (remember Noah?) enters the mansion with his arms in a welcoming extension saying, "Gentlemen." Nobody knows who he is or what he's doing there. He offers them advice based on his expertise of being on the job almost a full 30 minutes.<br />
<br />
The guys take turns taking Jasmine aside. Again, doesn't look good on Vancouver or Canada that we can see their breath.<br />
<br />
Cocky Drew is in full sales mode, jumping in head first to talk about his family. Thomas the creepy model is next. She thinks he's "really pretty." I think when his modelling days are done, he could get a job as a magician in Vegas. But she's turned on by his lips and hair, and has given him a little nickname: Sexual Tongue. Catchy.<br />
<br />
David, the musician, plays her a song on the guitar. Right on cue, a string section walks in and accompanies him. What are the odds a cellist and a couple violinists just happen to be in the house? Even the guys admit he is good. When his song is done, he stands up and says to the gathering herd, "Top that!" Jasmine, who was so turned on a moment ago, was suddenly turned off by the bravado.<br />
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Jasmine has a tattoo on her outer forearm that reads "explore." She got it on a Taco Tuesday in Bali where if you buy a taco, you get a free tattoo. She sounded serious when she said it, too.<br />
<br />
Cowboy Tony is drinking too much. It always has to be somebody. He tries to interrupt JP, who's now fully dressed, as he's talking to Jasmine. But in a first, both JP and Jasmine shut Tony down. I've never seen that before.<br />
<br />
Here's a piece of useless trivia: Jasmine's favourite colour is "seaform green." That's the most specific favourite colour I've ever heard.<br />
<br />
Mike, the sweet fireman from Winnipeg, says his mom died when he was eight, his sister left, and he's felt abandoned by women. Hence he's single. He's being honest and vulnerable.<br />
<br />
Kevin W, the fireman from Waterloo, has been single for two years. He's ready for love. She says he seems genuine. And if you can fake that, you've got it made.<br />
<br />
Humble Mike gets the first impression rose.<br />
<br />
The party over, it's time to hand out 14 roses. Five men will go home. The roses go in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Kevin W, the genuine fireman with the nice hair.</li>
<li>Drew, the cocky salesman.</li>
<li>Thomas, the creepy model.</li>
<li>Mikhel. Wow.</li>
<li>Giant Kyle.</li>
<li>Selfie Seth.</li>
<li>Scott Carpenter.</li>
<li>Andrew of Red Box fame.</li>
<li>Chris, the fire rose inventor.</li>
<li>Benoit, the maitre d'.</li>
<li>Wale/Wall-eh (sounds like a fancy way of saying Wally)</li>
<li>Kevin P, the sickie.</li>
<li>JP the nudie.</li>
<li>David, the musician who almost blew it.</li>
</ol>
Goodbye to Ross the welder, Dana the backflipper, Taylor from the oil fields, telescopic Eddie, and Cowboy Tony.<br />
<br />
Next week, they're going to sunny Jamaica. What? They're not going to explore rainy and cold Vancouver? Apparently at some point in the season, they're going to go to Egypt, too. I think that's a first.<br />
<br />
There's also an After Show, too, hosted by somebody named Jenn Valentyne. The guests are Olivia Gross Toes, Funny Daniel, along with TV presenter Erin Cebula (who I've always liked), and a superfan named Dani, who won some contest. This show is taped in Vancouver. They should have Vancouver-based bloggers as guests, don't you think?!<br />
<br />
Is Olivia not working as a news anchor anywhere? Maybe they should allow her to host one day. But Daniel should always be a guest.<br />
<br />
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Daniel was being Daniel. He said if Jasmine was on his season, he would have shown a little more interest. She's got a hippie vibe and is very Canadian, he thinks. Then he said Kevin P. "looks like he's from American Psycho." But Olivia loves everything about Kev.<br />
<br />
One weird aspect: For most of the show, there was no audience. I thought it sounded a bit dull. Then near the end, the producers either herded in a hundred or so people or else they found some canned laughter and applause kicking around somewhere.<br />
<br />
There was an audience poll, just like they do on the American After Show, but there's no way anyone was really voting.<br />
<br />
And that was week 1 of Bachelorette Canada. What did you think?Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-75201208921556767442016-09-11T19:05:00.000-07:002016-09-11T19:05:27.309-07:00Bachelor in Paradise: The Final StrawThank God it's all over. I told you I was (and am) going to sit out the Nick season of the Bachelor. I will also never blog another Bachelor in Paradise. (I will be here for Bachelorette Canada, though, for any Canadian who's interested. Hell, even if you're from outside Canada and can't even watch it, why not check back here just to get an idea of how it happens in other countries?)<br />
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Bachelor in Paradise is the WORST! Sure, there are fun aspects of it, but at its core, the show is a piece of poo. After all the campiness and hedonism, they try to make it all about engagements? Gimme a break. It doesn't even work as a pseudo contest because late arriving contestants will always be at a disadvantage. We saw contestants want to stick around no matter who gave them the rose, whether they had a connection with the person or not, just so they could advance and not be kicked off. How is that about finding true love? On the other hand, if this were just a crass competition for money, then I'd totally get it. It would make sense then. The show is just all over the map. It wants to be all things to all people.<br />
<br />
But I started this season, so I better damn well end it. Here we go...<br />
<br />
Tiara is this week's sacrificial lamb. Like she's going to find a true connection in one week. No Tiara is not the one who always wore a tiara; she's the won who's obsessed with chickens – both alive and fried.<br />
<br />
So this new person arrives and she's sitting off by herself and her date card. What a bunch of jerks. How welcoming they all are! Finally Nick went over and talked to her. What a fine, upstanding young man this Nick is. Then he returns with Tiara's date card only to take Jen on a date. What a jerk! Thanks for coming out, Tiara!<br />
<br />
What drama! Nick and Jen go on a date. I wonder if Nick will get engaged to her? I'm on the edge of my seat!<br />
<br />
At a carnival, they see a fortune teller. He's all-in with Jen, he says. He's "absolutely falling in love with her." So much so that he rubs her ass when they kiss.<br />
<br />
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Meanwhile, Brett is digging Lauren more than Izzy so he needs to tell her. He's going to give his rose to Lauren. Don't quite get why he needs to tell Izzy this, but he does. And Izzy takes it fairly well. I mean, she admitted she felt like an idiot because she got "full-on rejected" but she's got a fall-back plan.<br />
<br />
She regrets her decision to leave what she had with Vinny to hook up with Brett, who she found hotter. She's going to beg for Vinny's forgiveness. It could be the most romantic thing she could do for someone. So she gives him a dingle. And that cad had the nerve to say, "Who's this?" <br />
<br />
Izzy very clearly explained that she made a "huge, huge mistake." Sure, she only realized it when Brett dumped her, but that was just a coincidence, I'm certain! She told him she felt really bad, and everything. She also told him that she chose to leave Paradise in the hopes they could get back together "and things could be like a fairy tale." Sounds great, right? What man could refuse such an offer?!<br />
<br />
Vinny was very, very ungrateful. He told her she "threw it all away for some guy with a lamp." He called her "shallow" of all things! When that happened, all feelings he had went out the window, he told her ever-so-coldly. "I just can't be with somebody like that." I knew Vinny wasn't good enough for her.<br />
<br />
After hanging up on him, Izzy cried. She genuinely misses Vinny in a way she didn't, say, ten minutes earlier when she still thought Brett liked her. Then she has an anxiety attack and thinks she's going to throw up. "I feel like the shittiest person in the world," she said. For once her feelings were accurate.<br />
<br />
The cocktail party is pretty useless. Since everyone but Wells is already hooked up, it's up to him to choose among three suitresses (is that the female equivalent of a suitor?): Jami, Shushanna, and The Worst Human in the World (I won't mention her name again). I thought Wells and Jami made the cutest couple.<br />
<br />
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Shushanna says she isn't going to hunt or chase Wells. That's not her style. She's an adult. "I don't fight for guys; I don't fight for love," she says. So she tells Wells she's leaving. He doesn't put up any resistance.<br />
<br />
Finally, the rose ceremony – the most undramatic rose ceremony in history!<br />
<ul>
<li>Josh picked Amanda</li>
<li>Nick chose Jen</li>
<li>Grant nabbed Lace</li>
<li>Evan drooled over Carly</li>
<li>Brett opted out</li>
<li>Wells foolishly went with the WHW</li>
</ul>
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Brett's refusal to give Lauren his rose highlighted another problem with the wonky show. The next episode will include shagging suites. Lauren was a relative newcomer so he thought it was too soon in their relationship to hop in the sack together. I mean, maybe, but no one is forcing them to make sweet, sweet love in the fantasy suite. He could have slept on the couch.<br />
<br />
When Wells chose the WHW, unlike the others who kiss, she one-armed hugged Wells. She is totally in this just for more TV exposure. Seriously the Worst Human in the World.<br />
<br />
(One comment last week suggested that maybe I'm masking a deep attraction to the WHW. Hey, I've always said she was gorgeous. Just less so no with her Botox and collagen and her character flaws that no amount of plastic surgery can fix.)<br />
<br />
Lauren, Tiara and Jami all went home.<br />
<br />
Five couples remain and "everything changes," Chris Harrison told them ominously. They need to put their relationships to the test. Man, this show is just awful, have I mentioned that? You can't game love. They need to rework it.<br />
<br />
The WHW is giddy (once again) at the prospect of having sex for the first time with a guy she's known for a couple of weeks. She was giddy last year, too. You'd think that in the last 12 months she might have done something about that. You think this virginity claim is all just her way of stealing the spotlight? I do.<br />
<br />
Thankfully Wells breaks up with the WHW before he can stick it in her. She takes it well. Just looks sad. Then asks for one more kiss. She's not that upset because Wells isn't Jared. I think she's more upset at having to leave TV. So the WHW leaves the show and it may very well be the greatest day in franchise history.<br />
<br />
And then there were four couples.<br />
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Grant and Lace get matching tattoos on their inner left wrists because that's never a bad decision. Actually, if you're going to inject permanent ink into your skin professing love, GRACE isn't bad. It's not fully committing to Lace. GRACE is a real word that can signify many things. If (ah, let's not kid ourselves – when) they break up, Grant just has to find someone else named Lace. Or maybe a Candace. Or, I guess a Grace. Or he could add "land" to it and get a big tattoo of Elvis' face below it.<br />
<br />
Grant says the fact they got tatts speaks volumes about where they are in their relationship. Spoken like a guy with a sleeve and chest full of tattoos. Oh, and Lace's eyelashes are still ridiculous. <br />
<br />
Evan and Carly go with paint you can wash off. Full body paint but they opt for doing it clothed because, ew, gross, it's Evan. It's also Carly's one-year anniversary of being dumped by the Professor (Kirk). She says if it happened again with Evan, it would be even worse. Uh, yeah. Because it would be with a guy she's better than. That always hurts more.<br />
<br />
But they seem like the real deal. I mean, she was around all these hot male bodies and she stuck with Evan. That's gotta mean something.<br />
<br />
Nick and Jen seem more distant but does anyone care about this storyline since they announced last week that he'd be the new Bachelor?<br />
<br />
Amanda says that her family is the most important thing to her. Except, of course, for the six weeks every summer when national TV comes calling. She wants to marry Josh.<br />
<br />
The last episode opens with the couples waking up in bed together. Carly's new favourite thing is waking up next to Evan. Lace wakes up with her big, fake eyelashes on. Maybe they're real after all!<br />
<br />
Lace says she feels that if they don't get engaged, they're probably not going to make it. I hate to break it to her, but they're probably not going to make it anyway. But at least they'll always have those tattoos.<br />
<br />
Nick says he could get used to looking at Jen for the rest of his life, but then he wouldn't get any more turns on the show.<br />
<br />
I loved it when Amanda told Josh that her kids sleep with her. It didn't register with Josh at all. This could be the last night they sleep together.<br />
<br />
You know how in every season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette, the person with kids always makes sure their date meets their children? Does it mean anything that Amanda got engaged without anyone in her family meeting Josh? Come to think of it, no families were harmed in the making of this season. Everyone was a grown up and could get engaged without meeting every aunt and uncle and sibling.<br />
<br />
The ubiquitous jeweler asks Nick how many more times he's going to see him. At least one more time.<br />
<br />
Evan asked Carly, "Will you freakin' marry me?" And she embraced his weird. And she hasn't met his kids, either.<br />
<br />
Nick sniffles to Jen that he's not going to ask her to marry him. He does a full-on WHW impression, sobbing. He tells her, "Something's telling me to say goodbye." Yeah, it's probably the producers offering him the role of a lifetime next season.<br />
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I can't wait for Amanda's book on Josh when this is all over.<br />
<br />
On the Dull and Glib after-show, Amanda says Josh doesn't moan like they showed him because she would have told him to stop. It grosses her out.<br />
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And that's that, folks. Hope you enjoyed it more than I did. See you for Bachelorette Canada later this week.<br />
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Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-75817258365913256712016-09-04T00:49:00.003-07:002016-09-04T00:50:52.108-07:00Bachelor in Paradise: The worst humanLate again. Whatcha gonna do? Here's my capsule takeaway from two nights of "entertainment" earlier this week: Grant may be the best human on the planet. Ashley may be the worst human on the planet. I've since read where she's said there was stuff not shown but I don't think there could be anything that could excuse her for her words and actions.<br />
<br />
Another takeaway: This show is really schizophrenic (in the non-medical, politically incorrect usage of the word). The opening highlights show us a dramatic confrontation between Josh and Nick while Amanda cries, then it cuts immediately to the over-the-top cheesy '70s opening theme. Then we get upcoming highlights of multiple possible engagements. No! Just no! This is <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i>! Don't make it about real connections and life-long romance. If something happens romantically, it happens. But the main thrust of the show should be like spring break for the regular show's losers. It's hedonistic fun. Leave well enough alone.<br />
<br />
Okay, on to the details.<br />
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We start with Caila and Ashley having a heart to heart and Caila sticking the shiv in Ashley by saying Jared loves her like a sister. And then Ashley meets up with Jared. No idea why he gives her the time of day. He's such a sap. All she has to do is cry and he melts. And lord knows she can cry on a dime. There should be a new word for how she cries. Bawling doesn't do it justice. Snorfl? Something. It's pathetic. And most likely phoney, like everything else about her.<br />
<br />
She talks about losing her best friend, Lucy, a dog. She's scared she's going to completely lose her mind. Too late, I'm afraid.<br />
<br />
Then Wells the deejay shows up and everyone steers him to Ashley for his date. He heeds their advice and when he asks Ashley, everyone erupts in cheers. With Ash gone, Jared kisses Caila. And kisses her some more. And some more. Not sure she kissed him back even once.<br />
<br />
On their date, Wells and Ashley are having a good time. Wells tells Ash his favourite band is the Talking Heads. Cool, right? Alternative. Ashley's favourite band? Hanson. I told you she might very well be the worst person on earth. Thankfully for her, a stray dog approached their table just in time to distract Wells from her embarrassing revelation.<br />
<br />
Wells takes a bite from Ashley's luscious lips, getting a mouthful of collagen. They make a fire wish and float it off through the air. It goes down like the Hindenburg.<br />
<br />
Then Lace gave Ashley a run for her money in the worst person contest. She tells Grant, who has done nothing but express his love and devotion, "good luck getting a rose tomorrow." She gets snippy for no known reason. Grant understandably walks away. The girl is still certifiable. And from this point on, she's got it in her head that Grant was the villain for walking away.<br />
<br />
He goes to see her. "I don't need your little petty talk," she tells him. He's done with her attitude, he says. "Good. If you're done, I'm done." She can't see she's culpable at all. She cries to the camera. I think if you wear gigantic fake eyelashes, it's your lot in life to cry irrationally and often.<br />
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Then Grant tells her he loves her again. Does this soften Lace a teensy bit? Nah. She says she's had enough of that word. He says he knows she says the things she says because she's scared and it doesn't come from a bad place. He's a better man than most. He tells her he overreacted to what she said (he didn't at all, but he knows how to defuse a situation). Does this soften Lace a teensy bit? Nah. "Kinda!" she says sarcastically. He apologizes several more times. She finally softens and says she could use a shot. Ah, her old friend, Al K. Hall.<br />
<br />
Amanda tells Nick and Jen they could use the upstairs room she had been using with Josh. She's just tired and wants to sleep. So up Nick and Jen start to go when Josh puts the kibosh on it. He says he and Amanda are going to sleep there. Cut to: Amanda sound asleep in another bed by herself.<br />
<br />
Josh wakes her up to ask if she's not sleeping with him that night. "I don't think so," she says, half asleep. "I'm so tired." "All right. Good talk," says Josh. Good talk? Jerk.<br />
<br />
At the cocktail party, Daniel knows he's on the chopping block so he tries his best to get someone's rose. He brings a plate of onion rings, chicken nuggets, and fries for one of the twins. It has all her food groups, he says. Then he brings a lamp to Izzy – a Canadian-made lamp, bigger, better and more expensive than the one Brett came with, he says. If she gives him the rose, she can keep the lamp otherwise he takes it back.<br />
<br />
The twins are concerned about Josh and they solicit Nick's opinion. Good, solid, unbiased opinion.<br />
<br />
Rose time.<br />
<ul>
<li>Carly gave hers to Evan, the penis man.</li>
<li>Ashley called on Wells.</li>
<li>Jen handed a rose to Nick.</li>
<li>Izzy didn't go for the lamp; she gave her rose to Brett.</li>
<li>Caila likes Jared enough to give him the rose.</li>
<li>Lace sobers up to see Grant's good enough to get a rose.</li>
<li>Amanda surprises no one and picks Josh.</li>
<li>Haley picks... Emily?</li>
</ul>
Yes, it seems as if Haley and Emily have decided to leave together just the way they came. So they don't give their roses to anyone. Then Chris Harrison enters to inform the rest that because they didn't hand out their roses, that means three had to go home instead of just one because, you know, rules are rules. Goodbye to Daniel, Ryan and Carl. Don't understand why there are rules all of a sudden. And why didn't any of them play the Ashley card and just ask to stay? In a show with apparently no rules, this seems rather arbitrary.<br />
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I don't mind not having rules. And I don't mind having rules. But pick one and be consistent. And if you have the rules, why not lay them out for everyone (viewer included) to see?<br />
<br />
The worst is that we didn't get to say goodbye to Daniel. He gave us so much entertainment this season and he's gone just like that. Not even an exit interview. That's a fine how do you do. He gets lumped in with those two nobodies. Talk about disrespect!<br />
<br />
Before they go, the twins take their best friend Amanda aside to warn her about Josh. First of all, since when were the twins and Amanda so close? It's a reminder of just how little reality the reality show gives us. They give us what they want us to see. The tearful warnings but the sisters were comical. One of them said, "Those things in that book might actually be true, and if they are true, they're very scary."<br />
<br />
Amanda asks what she should do. It tells you a lot that Amanda is asking advice of the Ditz Sisters. They tell her to ask direct questions about the book. And with that, they were off.<br />
<br />
Josh senses Amanda's confusion. But she doesn't want to talk about it. She hints at what's troubling her, though, and Josh ramps up the testosterone. He gathers everyone around demanding to know who the twins' source was. Grant would have been calm and cool. But Josh is verging on a full-on Chad. Then he brings up his dog's cancer treatment as a combo excuse and plea for sympathy.<br />
<br />
Nick speaks up, calmly, saying he honestly doesn't know if Josh is genuine. Josh yells back and vaguely threatens Nick if things aren't good with Amanda. Then he packs his bags. Of course he's not going anywhere.<br />
<br />
But Amanda, as confused as she said she was (which, granted, might be her default status), is sick of people warning her about Josh. She knows the truth based on the couple of weeks she's known him at a Mexican resort. He showed he has a "bit of a temper" tonight but he had good reason to, says Amanda. Gulp.<br />
<br />
Jami from Vancouver arrived early one morning. Maybe this is why they had to send Daniel packing. There's a quota on Canadians. Everyone was asleep except for Wells. Smells like a plant to me. I'm sure the producers arranged it just so they could squeeze some more tears from Ashley. Jami and Wells go on a date.<br />
<br />
When Ashley eventually rolls out of bed, Nick breaks the news to her. And she's fine with it. She laughs. Yeah, that'll last.<br />
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It lasted until she saw Jared and Caila together again. Mind you, the two were kissing. In public! But remember how she's completely over Jared? So when she says she's Jared's "main chick," she just means it metaphorically, I'm sure.<br />
<br />
Ashley asks Caila not to flaunt their relationship in front of her. So let me get this straight: Caila doesn't really like Jared, but it's her fault for kissing him in public? Jared has no responsibility in this?<br />
<br />
Dear, sweet Caila asks Ashley if she wants her to go home and asks, "Was I wrong to go on a date with him? Honestly." There's a long pause. Ashley says she can't go back and trust the person who hurt her in the first place, i.e. Caila. She tells Caila, "It's hard for you to stay here." Caila doesn't want to hurt anyone. Why is everyone giving Ashley such credence? I'm as confused as Amanda!<br />
<br />
Caila says, "I don't need to be here. I don't need the attention. I don't need any of that." Ashley replies with, "I feel bad for you," then laughs maniacally.<br />
<br />
Caila tells Jared it's too hard to be here with Ashley so she's leaving. Yet both of them invited Ashley back when she was already sent home, promising she had changed. If the producers were serious about this being a show where people find love, they should have stepped in and told Ashley it's clear she hasn't changed so she must go home.<br />
<br />
Ashley, the very definition of an awful person, tells the cameras that Caila is an awful person. I know it's hard to know what's what on a reality show. All we know is what we're shown and then we rely on our hunches. But there's been zero evidence of Caila being awful or anything remotely close to that.<br />
<br />
Jared tells Ashley Caila just left and Ashley feigns surprise. Then she says, "She said that she doesn't like you." Again, maybe she did off-camera, but I doubt it. She just moves slower than the others. She liked him enough to give him the rose and to let him kiss her and kiss her and kiss her. Team Caila all the way!<br />
<br />
Jared yells at Ashley so she did what Ashley does: she cries. And Jared did what Jared does: he melts. Feels bad and consoles her with a hug. He sure is a sucker for tears. Then he runs off to find Caila.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Ashley says, "I stand true to Caila being a piece of shit."<br />
<br />
While Jared is quickly talking with Ashley, Caila has time to go pack, call a car, and get in the car to leave. How long was he with Ashley?<br />
<br />
Ashley bawls (or snorfls) to the others. Please don't make her a good or sympathetic character. She deserves nothing. But even though the love of her life has left, she gets over it quickly because she's still on TV so she wins. She knows Wells will return soon from his date with Jami so she freshens her make-up in order to look "bomb" on his return. And her make-up tray is a thing to behold.<br />
<br />
Wells returns holding hands with Jami. He needs to have a sit-down with Ashley. Ashley takes the bad news well but she's totally faking it for effect. And it works! Wells buys it! She's one conniving person.<br />
<br />
Then another baby-voiced woman shows up: Lauren H., the kindergarten teacher. I kinda remember her. And right on her heels comes Shoshanna, the Russian. Ashley, with her big fake eyelashes and botox, calls Shoshanna "Euro-trash." I am so done with the virgin. I don't want to see her anymore. Ever.<br />
<br />
The double date is Shoshanna and Wells (his third date in a row), and Lauren and Brett. The four of them go to surfing school. Nothing significant happens.<br />
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Evan got a public boner lying face up on his bed after kissing Carly. That was something. No erectile dysfunction there. Carly likes that she did that to him. We don't need to see Evan making out at the best of times; this was too much.<br />
<br />
Amanda talks about being confused again about Josh, but she gets a date card and takes him. And there's no sign she's wavering. "Josh isn't perfect but neither am I," she says. "I don't think anybody is. But what I can say is Josh is perfect for me." He's everything she ever wanted. She loves him. Barf.<br />
<br />
Ashley knows it's between herself, "a random girl from Canada and a Russian hooker." She's just the worst, I tells ya! Maybe all-time worst. She knows she has to make an impression so she kisses Wells.<br />
<br />
There's going to be a two-night finale this week complete with engagement rings, because this was such a serious show about love.<br />
<br />
For some reason, Brett takes a lamp down to the water and smashes it against a rock. It's played for fun because broken glass and bare feet is such a hoot!<br />
<br />
The <i>After Paradise</i> show with Glib and Dull had Caila, Jared and Ashley on it. All together! And Wells was there, too. Everyone pretty much trashed Ashley before she got out there.<br />
<br />
Dull had a couple of pretty good points. He said Jared enabled Ashley's obsession. And he said that throughout Ashley's badmouthing of Caila, nothing ever emerged to show that there might have been a hint of truth to what she was saying. We never saw a dark side of Caila. Even here, Caila responded with, "I'm doing wonderfully, thank you." She's just perfection.<br />
<br />
Caila said her defense mechanism is to smile, and Ashley's is to cry. I'll take hers any day. She also revealed that she and Jared are not together anymore. They dated for about six weeks but weren't the "right fit." And there were "other forces" that contributed to the break-up. How cryptic! She probably means Ashley.<br />
<br />
And then Jared, who has seen the show, said he's still really good friends with Ashley! How is this possible?! He said she was trying to be the best friend she could be. Uh, right. He said he won't judge her by what she said on camera. Say what? Jealousy brings about ugliness in all of us. Yeah, but not that kind of ugliness. He doesn't deserve Caila!<br />
<br />
Ashley accepted no responsibility for what happened between Jared and Caila. She was looking out for him and has gotten over him romantically. Uh-huh.<br />
<br />
Oh, and they revealed the new Bachelor! Would it be Luke or Chase? I was going for Chase. Turns out it's neither. It's going to be Nick. You know, I liked Nick. I liked his calm, thoughtful manner. But now I think he's just a fame whore. How many of these shows has he been on? Two <i>Bachelorettes</i> and two <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i>s, by my count. And presumably has a life off television. But he can't find anyone. So it must be him. Don't waste a season on the guy.<br />
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The show just keeps getting worse and worse. I keep threatening to not write a blog on the next one just like people keep threatening to leave the show when things don't go their way. Maybe I'll do a Caila and really go. She's my inspiration.<br />
<br />
But first we Canadians have the Canadian version starting next week. That one I'll do. Nick can go to hell, though.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-89243549071547302742016-08-25T21:27:00.000-07:002016-08-25T21:27:19.621-07:00Bachelor in Paradise: The tears of a clown<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Here ye, here ye, court is now in session. We sit here in judgment of the lost souls on <i>Bachelor in Paradise.</i><br />
<br />
This week's two episodes focussed a lot on Ashley and her run-free mascara. The woman who said she'd try to limit her crying to thrice in total surpassed that unattainably low number on the first day. Or are the cries so long in duration that she's still on her first one?<br />
<i> </i><br />
She started out pathetic and quickly turned conniving. Her wailing to Jared about how she'll never find anyone as perfect as him backfired. He just said he can't keep having this conversation. Throughout the show, he talked to her, though and said what good friends they are. Why, though? Who needs friends like that?<br />
<br />
It was bad enough when she was just coo-coo for Cocopuffs over him, but then she got nasty. What was she thinking? She tried several times to sabotage his relationship with wonderful Caila. Like, she admitted to us, the viewers, explicitly that. She outright lied to him and about them on numerous occasions. Let's say her plan worked and he and Caila split up and he came running into Ashley's arms. As soon as the season aired, he'd know what's up and there's no way he could stick around. Even now, she's probably ruined their friendship. Or she would have with any non-sap friend.<br />
<br />
Ashley said she had hoped to meet someone new. But since that didn't happen within the first 15 seconds of her time in Paradise, she just knew Jared was the only one for her.<br />
<br />
When Jared goes to Caila, they kiss. In the background, we hear Ashley bawling. But keep in mind this is like Josh's moans, i.e. an editing trick. They have the audio of her crying. She probably was crying at the same time (because she always is). So they just dubbed it in. There's no way Caila and Jared wouldn't have at least given a look her way or said something if they heard it.<br />
<br />
I wonder what a reality TV show would be like if they did it documentary style. I mean, even documentaries are edited for interest's sake but they're not (usually) completely contrived. Maybe such a venture would die a miserable death but I'd like to see one that tried. Don't insult the viewers' intelligence.<br />
<br />
Another storyline was the burgeoning relationship between Evan and Carly. He's really grown on her. That would be great if they came out of this a real-life couple if for nothing else than to show the non-reality-TV-watching world that not all contestants are gorgeous young and vapid models.<br />
<br />
Carly and Evan actually kissed. For realsies this time! More than once!<br />
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Then there was Daniel. When he was on <i>The Bachelorette</i>, I wasn't a fan. But he's sure gotten the better edit this time around. The guy is funny. He made a horrible choice, though. The men were in control so he had to choose between Sarah, Ashley or the twins. Sarah baked him a half-birthday cake and seemed to really dig him. She asked him if he'd lick the frosting off her. Yes, Sarah said this! She's really loosening up. Daniel coldly, but humorously, says, "We'll see." Sarah asked, "What's there to think about?" Daniel says it depends if she had a shower or not.<br />
<br />
Why are the twins still a 2-for-1 rose? And why is nobody complaining about this? Not that I (or anyone else) can tell them apart.<br />
<br />
The twins say they can't compete with a cake. This is true. But what they have on their side is 1.5 brains. So Emily tells Haley she has to kiss Daniel. No way. Haley couldn't possibly. Emily keeps at her and Haley relents, saying he's not the ugliest person she's ever kissed. She'll do it for a rose. Emily says Haley will love it and swallow it.<br />
<br />
So she sits down at the throne of Papa Bear and stiffly talks to him. You know, Carly says Evan has now swag. I say the twins have zero swag. Anyway, at the end of her awkward talk with Daniel, Haley goes in for a very brief kiss on the lips, saying, "I'll leave you with that." Then tells the cameras that, "I think my sister and I are safe because of these magical lips."<br />
<br />
As crazy as it seems, Daniel fell for it. But you could understand his dilemma. He had three fetishes to choose from: twins, a virgin, and someone with one hand. He went with the twins.<br />
<br />
Before the rose ceremony, Ashley was fretting about going home. "What is there I could do to not go home tonight?" she asked. Oh, I dunno. Maybe be normal for half an hour? Too much to ask? Yeah, I thought so.<br />
<br />
Ash talks to Daniel and he's even harsher than Nick. Jared says Jared is ugly. "You don't want to settle for ugly guys." Then he suggests she "slut it up" a little bit. You know, sleep around. Have some fun. "Better to learn at this age than when you're 40," he says.<br />
<br />
At the rose ceremony, it went thusly:<br />
<ul>
<li>Grant gave his rose to Lace</li>
<li>Josh groaned his rose to Amanda</li>
<li>Nick handed his to Jen</li>
<li>Vinny naturally gave his to the love of his life, Izzy</li>
<li>Evan bequeathed his to Carly</li>
<li>Jared made the best choice with Caila</li>
<li>Daniel split his with the twins</li>
</ul>
So Sarah and Ashley were sent home. Sarah thought she got played the fool. But she leaves. That's more than we can say about Ashley. Ash got in the car and blubbered for a bit then told the driver to stop. She got out and returned to the celebrating couples and asked if she could return. She's turned over a new leaf, she informs them. And they agree to let her back in the fold. And the producers had absolutely nothing to do with this! Repeat: The producers had absolutely nothing to do with this! Repeat: The producers had absolutely nothing to do with this!<br />
<br />
How unfair is it for poor Sarah. This show, and all its iterations, keeps saying there are no rules even when there are. Obviously not everyone can just refuse to go. If they did, it would be chaos. But you know, Emily is there, too, and she got no rose, so maybe it's cool.<br />
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In the morning, Nick tells Ashley to be her best self the rest of the time. And from that point on, she was a deceitful witch.<br />
<br />
Time for some new blood. A tattooed yob named Carl entered. Totally Emily's type. She gets to go on a date with him.<br />
<br />
Then Brett and a lamp enter. Apparently the guy brought a lamp with him when he met Andi. I don't remember that. Izzy loves what Brett is bringing. Not the lamp. She's overwhelmed at how attracted she is to him. But Brett was hoping for Caila. And there she is! Phase 1 of Operation Ashley goes into effect. She tells Brett he should ask Caila on the date. Anyone's an option. "Ask whoever you want to ask out," she says.<br />
<br />
So he does. Jared's shoulders physically sank when Brett asked Caila on a date. Caila says she can't not give Brett a chance. He's fun and charismatic. But she has to ask Jared first. Jared goes into full passive aggressive mode, saying it's up to her.<br />
<br />
Okay, that worked. She's not going! Phew! Jared really dodged a bullet there! He kisses her a ton, even though her mouth is tight like she doesn't want kisses from him. Then she says she's unsure of how she feels so she decides to go on the date after all.<br />
<br />
Poor Jared!<br />
<br />
She goes back to Brett and tells her she's not going. Phew! Jared dodged a second bullet! She came to her senses!<br />
<br />
She and Brett go for a little stroll during which time she decides, what the hay, she'll go on the date.<br />
<br />
But they keep walking and she flip-flops again. She'll stay back with Jared. Lucky Jared! A third bullet dodged!<br />
<br />
They keep walking and Caila decides maybe she'd like to go on the date, after all.<br />
<br />
Poor Jared!<br />
<br />
And that's her final answer. Off they go on their double-date with Emily and Clark... No, Kevin... No, it's Carl. That's it. (Nobody can remember his name, not even his date, Emily.)<br />
<br />
Jared thinks karma is kicking him in the ass since he went on lots of dates with women and ended all the relationships. Ashley, needless to say, is loving it.<br />
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The double-dating tandem are on a booze cruise with a bunch of people they don't know. It's not even that big a boat. But they're dancing and grinding. Emily has her legs wrapped around Carl's midsection. "She's riding him like Seabiscuit," said Brett. I love a good 60-year-old pop culture reference.<br />
<br />
So everyone is whooping it up except the graceful (if indecisive) Caila. More power to her. She says not a single person who knows her would predict she'd party it up on a booze cruise. She becomes more lovable by the second.<br />
<br />
Ashley "comforts" Jared telling him he can cry if he wants to. Why is he even talking to her? He even tells her he's glad she came back to Paradise. And she repeats that Caila is a "backstabbing whore."<br />
<br />
But Jared doesn't know Caila's not having a blast. She regrets going on the date. When she returns to what passes for civilization, she tells Jared she went on the date because she felt she should. Huge relief. Meanwhile, Ashley is lurking, eavesdropping on her worst nightmare. Cue the bawling.<br />
<br />
Haley, who received Daniel's rose, thinks Daniel is strange. She's not connected to him at all. A new guy shows up. Ryan, dubbed The Silver Fox by Daniel, says he's best remembered on <i>The Bachelorette</i> for not being remembered. Ah, he's that one! He's a self-described normal guy with bad jokes, bad dancing, and no game. This is what Haley likes. She and Emily, alike in so many ways, couldn't be more different in their tastes for men.<br />
<br />
After talking with Ashley, Ryan immediately realizes he should not ask this possessed woman out so he asks Haley. Despite promises to the contrary, Papa Bear can't stop the Silver Fox from stealing the Pigeon. Brett and Haley go horseback riding.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, back in Paradise, Grant has prepared a romantic surprise for Lace. It's his and hers massages. Then they hit the hot tub where he professes his love for her. He wants a future with her. He tells her a few times, "I love you." Flat out. To Lace. Uh huh. Tears stream down her face. Lace being Lace responds with, "More champagne, please!"<br />
<br />
The other big storyline was Vinny and Izzy, an item since day one. Inseparable. But now she's got the hots for Brett. He's her "perfect man." She says she has "certain doubts" about Vinny so why can't she explore something else? She doesn't want to live with regrets. She tells Vinny she's at 75 percent. She tells him when Brett walked in she flipped because he's very attractive. Ouch. That's gotta hurt.<br />
<br />
Vinny is heartbroken. Wants to leave. Even Carly can't understand it. "How did the lamp guy break up the strongest couple in the house?" she says. Then again, Carly is with Evan, so, you know.<br />
<br />
Vinny, in a rare move, actually leaves after saying he wants to leave. The man has integrity. Izzy says she feels like a shitty person. But only because she is. It'd be so sweet if things don't work out between Izzy and Brett.<br />
<br />
Jade and Tanner, who got engaged in Paradise last year, show up to give everyone a glimpse into Relationships Future. They have a date card to hand out but want to talk to every couple first so the most deserving gets it.<br />
<br />
Grant and Lace didn't do well. Lace is building her wall. Afterwards, they talk. Grant says, "I've told you how I feel about you." Lace says warmly, "I'm aware. You repeat yourself a lot, Grant." Yeah. One "I love you" should last a lifetime.<br />
<br />
Josh and Amanda are next. Josh says Amanda's a great mother. "All she does is talk about her kids," he says. I assume he means when he takes his tongue out of her mouth long enough for her to say something.<br />
<br />
Caila and Jared look the best together in front of the judging couple. Caila snuggles into Jared's side nicely, not in an overbearing or "look at us" kind of way. Naturally. They don't try too hard.<br />
<br />
Ashley, for some reason, gets an audience with Jade and Tanner, too, even though she's on her own. She called herself the "least desirable woman in the kingdom." But then she slyly (she thinks) makes little digs at Caila in hopes that the date card won't be awarded to them. She tells Jade and Tanner that Caila is a faker and isn't as into Jared as he is into her.<br />
<br />
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Guess who gets the date card? Caila and Jared. Nothing works for Ashley. Love it. Ashley, though, is a God-fearing woman through and through. She clasps her hands together and speaks to her Lord and creator: "Dear God. Please hope [sic] that Jared realizes that Caila sucks and that I'm a lot more fun and she's a piece of shit." Such a pious young lady.<br />
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They go on a date to the same place Jade and Tanner fell in love. Ash is beside herself. She even has nice-ish things to say about Caila: "Caila has the sex appeal that I don't. She is the flirty sexy girl and I am like... not sexy." Yeah, if you had to describe Caila, you'd say she's a "flirty sexy girl." Ashley also says if they got a fantasy suite, it would "literally murder" her.<br />
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But she's still got tricks up her sleeve. She knows Jared better than Caila, she says, so knows how to get a reaction out of him. "I can make out with his mind," she says. "I can dig deep in him. It's fun to threaten her."<br />
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She tells Jared that Caila isn't that into him, says she just likes being on TV, and finally, is "not awesome." Old Botox Head accusing someone else of just liking to be on TV... That's rich!<br />
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Jared goes back to dear sweet Caila with this nonsense. He even has the temerity to say that Ashley doesn't say bad things about Caila. I guess Jared thinks being a backstabbing whore is a compliment.<br />
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Caila then talks to Ashley, who says she wants to scratch Caila's eyes out when Caila refers to her and Jared as "we." That's quite some leaf she turned over!<br />
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Carly and Evan went on a date to a sweat lodge, let's not forget about that. He's never felt this way about a girl before. Carly asked him if he had lots of girlfriends in high school. He said he had a "few long-term ones." How freaking long was this guy in high school?!<br />
<br />
In the sweat lodge, Evan says, "I really want to pursue you." Odd phrasing, but he was hot and sweating and probably wasn't thinking clearly. Carly says she's fallen more and more for Evan every single day. They have a long steamy kiss. Another real one. Her lady boner is finally back, she says.<br />
<br />
I also watched <i>After Paradise</i> starring Glib and Dull but there was nothing to report. Vinny and Izzy were both on it but I don't know where they stand. The most interesting thing was when Nick said he has a terrible diet. Glib asked him what he eats, then promptly interrupted him so we'll never know.<br />
<br />
And that's that.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-51864007557511423652016-08-20T00:41:00.001-07:002016-08-20T00:41:30.924-07:00Bachelor in Paradise: Go home already!Late musings on <i>BiP</i>. Who needs to read a recap right after you watched the show? Chew on this over the weekend and you'll be up to speed on Monday. And Tuesday, if they're going to insist on continuing this hectic schedule.<br />
<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<b>MONDAY</b></h2>
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We started the week off with Evan, the 97-pound weakling, homing in on alpha male Josh's girl, Amanda. She was the one he came to paradise for, allegedly, so why not act on it? What does he have to lose? He's already lost all self-respect. What's the worst that could happen? She could (and will) say no. Oh, and I suppose he could get punched in the face by Josh. The editors keep hinting that he gets punched but it's never happened. Maybe one day. We can dream.<br />
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Evan interrupts the endless smooching from Josh and Amanda and presents her with a fake date card he made up. He takes her off to a tree house and creeps us all out by saying he's been watching her from afar.<br />
<br />
While Amanda is trying her best to stifle a laugh, Josh is back at the make-out bunker chowing down on pizza. He groans when he eats, too. Or so we're led to believe. His moaning and groaning while kissing has become a running gag. It is my belief that the editors have simply taken out a few choice groans and are now inserting them in the soundtrack whenever he kisses or eats. I refuse to believe he's grunting that much.<br />
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Amanda tells Evan that she was "surprised" by him in the first week and suggests he should have said something then. Yeah, as if. She's touched by his chutzpah. He now has a glimmer of hope. And we know that's all Evan needs.<br />
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Amanda reports back to Josh as he makes love to his pizza. She thinks he totally got it. I guarantee he didn't hear a single word she said.<br />
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Turns out Evan totally misread what Amanda said. He reports to others that she came to Paradise for him and wanted to go out with him. Go figure.<br />
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Daniel does Vinny a solid and shaves his back for him. He asks Vinny why he didn't do this before he came and Vinny said he did but it grows back so quick. That's a true friend – a guy who'll shave your back for you.<br />
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Josh is a real sweater. As in he sweats profusely. Chris Harrison points it out and it's really noticeable. This will come into play later on.<br />
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At the cocktail party before the rose ceremony where two guys will be sent home, Christian kisses Sarah. Then Sarah wants to do a taste test with Daniel so she can figure out who to give her rose to. As he's about to go in for the kiss, a bee impregnates his chin. That's what we say in Canada when you get stung. But he kisses her anyway. She says it was good but not great. Hey, he had a bee sting! You try kissing someone when a bee just impregnated your chin!<br />
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Evan says there's no way he's getting a rose tonight so before he leaves he needs to take Josh's tongue out of Amanda's mouth one more time. He pulls her aside and warns her about the revelations in Andi's tell-all book. Apparently he was portrayed as a verbal abuser. Amanda should know, Evan thinks. I'm wondering how Evan knew. He got an advanced copy? Or did, perchance, the producers feed him excerpts so he could create "drama"?<br />
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Amanda consults her gal pals and Lace concurs, agreeing with Evan that she should be careful of Josh. "We've all told you," she said. Then she sits down to tell Grant about what Evan told Amanda about Josh (following me?). Turns out Josh is sitting right beside Grant. Good old flaky Lacey.<br />
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So then Josh has a man-to-half-man with Evan out on the beach. Josh says the worst thing is talking behind someone's back and gossiping. I think we all know now thanks to Bad Chad there are plenty more worse things one can do.<br />
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Josh tells Evan not to judge people, even though he (Josh) sometimes judges people himself. Evan handles himself reasonably well. He tells Josh he's too polished because he always knows what to say. In fact, Josh's polish has polish.<br />
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Josh tells Evan that Andi's book is fictional. Or at least the "story" about him is. Evan catches him off guard by asking if it's fictional, why doesn't he sue her for libel? There's a pause you could drive a truck through. Josh eventually comes up with, Why even acknowledge something that's so fictional? He'll take the higher road. He's not that kind of person.<br />
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Evan: "There's an ocean of words but there's no thoughts. He was spouting inspirational quotes to me." Nailed it.<br />
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Josh says people can see the connection he has with Amanda. He really makes sure of that, doesn't he?<br />
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Nick also warns Amanda about Josh. And sweet naive Amanda says she values both their opinions because "they wouldn't do that for no reason." Not the deepest of thinkers, that Amanda. She can't see any reason why two guys who've openly expressed their lust for her might want to trash the guy she's attached at the tongue to.<br />
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Rose time:<br />
<ul>
<li>Lace gives her rose to Grant</li>
<li>Izzy hands hers out to Vinny</li>
<li>Emily goes for Jared</li>
<li>Amanda surprises no one with Josh</li>
<li>Sarah crushes Christian by choosing Daniel</li>
<li>Carly gives a platonic rose to Evan</li>
<li>Haley and the producers give a rose to Nick</li>
</ul>
So goodbye to Christian and Brandon, both good guys but the producers can't have paradise full of decent people. They need drama! They need sex appeal! They need Nick!<br />
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And then... Caila!!! She is radiant. It's amazing how everyone generally knows everyone else's names as they enter for the first time. I had a huge crush on Caila and I couldn't come up with her name if you gave me all week. But I know that face anywhere!<br />
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All the guys are in love with her, as well they should be. The girls think she's too perfect, as well she is.<br />
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And in however many pathetic seasons Jared has been doing these shows, he's never lit up like he lit up with Caila. That girl is like G.E.<br />
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When Caila asks Jared on her date, he says he has to ask Emily first. What a gentleman. Although he would have accepted no matter what Emily said. He very passive aggressively tells Emily, "I really do like you. I mean that. Here's the truth: I feel like if I don't go, I might regret it." What's a girl to say to that?!<br />
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Emily tells him she wants him to go. She knows how to play the passive aggressive game, too. Then she tells the camera she's used to being the one to break hearts, not the other way around.<br />
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Jared and Caila go horseback riding. They kiss on the beach and I do believe it's the first time in history Jared has ever initiated a kiss. I don't like Emily's chances. Emily says she's prettier than, and just as sweet as, Caila. Not even close. Then she adds that Caila has "fat lips" so she's probably a better kisser. You can take that to the bank.<br />
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When Jared returns, he has the hard talk with Emily. And Emily this time out passive-aggressives him. She says she doesn't want to hold him back. Only it didn't work. Jared took the opportunity to bolt faster than Usain.<br />
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Emily says it's the story of her life. Guys always pick someone else "and they're always way uglier than me so there must be something wrong with me." She's half right.<br />
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Izzy, Vinny, Grant, and Lace got the first ever double-date. They went partying in a club. Lace almost got in a fight. There are tequila shooters and suds dropping from the ceiling. Lace on the floor has her face humped by Grant. It reminds her of high school, she says.<br />
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Back in Paradise, Carly, Evan, Sarah and Daniel decided to have their own private double-date. Daniel pigged out on broccoli. The other three started a drinking game. Every time Daniel says "eh?" or "anyways" or does a push-up, the others take a drink.<br />
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Then Daniel and Sarah egg Carly and Evan on, trying to get them to recreate their "record"-breaking kiss. Carly is not amused. Evan is digging it. But Carly is warming to Evan. She says he's so nice but has "zero swag." If he just acted normal, she might like him.<br />
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On his way out, Carly asks him for a hug. Not a kiss. But a hug is a kiss to Evan. Hell, a sideways glance is an invitation to a kiss for Evan. "All I wanted was for him to be normal," she says. "Nope. Not good old Evan. He will not disappoint. He shall be weird."<br />
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Evan stumbles back to his room and passes out. For some reason, a producer tries to wake him. I guess he needed to talk to the camera. But he wasn't budging. The producer calls it a "medical issue." When the medic arrives, Evan is totally fine and can't understand why they're there. Do the producers call the medics just for the drama? Yes. Yes, they do.<br />
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But Evan tells Carly he's felt loopy all day so she stays with him. Mission accomplished. She's falling harder now. She says she's attracted to weird and Evan's got both good and bad weird. Then he tries to hit on her, grabbing her as they lie on his cot. She rebuffs him for a second but then gives in. He's showing swag!<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Josh and Amanda are getting it on in bed. Amanda whispers, "You're so sweaty."<br />
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Next day Ashley arrives. I didn't recognize her at first.<br />
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<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<b>TUESDAY</b></h2>
I still can't figure out how Ashley looks different. I'm thinking it must be plastic surgery, but that makes no sense because she's only 27 and she was beautiful before. So I Google it. Apparently she's been trumpeting botox. She's been taking it for preventative measures for a year now. Bad move. Also, I'm guessing, there's a bucketful of collagen in her upper lip. I shake my head. Yes, I realize the correct response to plastic surgery is it's none of our business and if it makes a person feel good, more power to them. But I can't believe everyone who gets some work done is always happy with the results. We all have ideal visions of out visages in our minds but that doesn't mean the doctor will be able to replicate what you're dreaming about. And if it comes out not the way they had hoped, can we not feel bad for them? Or even for ourselves? We're the ones who have to look at them.<br />
<br />
Judging from my cursory Google search, there have been a number of former Bachelor/ette people who have gone under the knife. Closest to my heart is Jillian. Hope she's happy with her new look. I'm not but she shouldn't care about that. She was great before. Caila, if you're reading this, don't do it! Apparently producers have also encouraged and/or paid for some contestants to get work done. Boo.<br />
<br />
Anyway, back to Ashley. She tells Chris Harrison her goal is to cry only three times. Harrison cheekily asks, "A day?" No, the whole time. Her goal is shattered twenty minutes into day one.<br />
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She says she and Jared are besties, but it'll never be strict friendship in her mind. He shut down any possibility of anything about five months prior. Yet she holds out hope like Evan. Maybe those two should hook up.<br />
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Jared says he was caught off-guard seeing Ashley. Why, exactly? I'd be caught off-guard if she wasn't there. The producers love a drama queen and there's no way she has a boyfriend in real life. It's a no-brainer.<br />
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So she enters and immediately starts running her mascara. She says she and Caila hung out and that Caila told her Jared is "so not her type." She is crushed. She thought of every worst-case scenario in her mind except that actual worst-case scenario. Now she thinks she should just go home. The twins talk her out of it. I'd have loved for them to say, "Yeah, you're probably right. Cut your losses and leave. See ya."<br />
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Ashley then goes off to cry alone. Or was she really alone? The editors made it look like she was talking to a parrot. Like a real conversation. Of course that didn't happen any more than Josh grunting with every bite and kiss. But I wonder who she was really talking to.<br />
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Then Ashley calls beautiful, perfect Caila a "backstabbing whore of a friend." Then she tries the "I should leave" thing with Jared. And he, of all people, talks her out of it! Come on! Call her bluff!<br />
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She has a date card and both she and Jared seem to consider Daniel her only option. Why is that? Nick is sitting around bored out of his mind. Why isn't he an option?<br />
<br />
So she takes Daniel on a date and they have a wonderful time. She's the most human I've ever seen her. Daniel charms her with his Canadian sarcasm. He asks her if her virginity is a religious thing. It's not. He asks if she's interested in having sex in the near future? Is she curious at all? She gives a funny look but doesn't say anything. I assume that means, "Duh!" But who knows?<br />
<br />
Then Daniel tells her dryly that he swings both ways only on Fridays. She plays along, asking who he has his eye on. He says it's Nick. He's 35 and has experience so he'd know what he's doing. Unlike most people in this show, Daniel doesn't deliver his line with a defensive laugh to show he's kidding. Well played. Luckily (or not), Ashley gets him.<br />
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He tells the camera that her virginity is "kind of a big turn-on." Maybe he can deflower this American beauty, he wonders. "Does she want some Canadian bacon with maple syrup drizzled on it? Maybe some Canadian sausage and bacon. Maybe she wants some Canadian poutine. I might get frisky real quick." You just know some people don't get him at all or just dismiss him as "weird." But he's pretty damn funny. And intentionally so. (If you don't know, another Vancouverite, Seth Rogan, wrote and stars in <i>Sausage Party</i>. Must be something in the water.)<br />
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The date ends when a bunch of traditional dancers come in and say they need to sacrifice a virgin. Then they carry Ashley away leaving Daniel sitting there alone. And that's that. Oh, if it only were so! But no, Ashley is still around.<br />
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Another new face arrives. "People might remember her as the more reserved one," someone said of Jen. Uh, really? Zero recollection on my part, but you know that by now.<br />
<br />
More Daniel gold. Jen's date card is for time cruising on a boat. Daniel offers to pay her if she takes him. "Unfortunately it's going to be in Canadian dollars so it's not worth much these days." She goes with Nick instead, because that's how it's scripted.<br />
<br />
Back to Evan's non-medical issue. An actress playing a medic tells him he needs to go to the hospital because his ankle is a bit swollen. He thinks it's ridiculous but again realizes it's a great opportunity to be with Carly. So he gets in the ambulance and the actress playing a medic puts an IV needle into his arm, drawing all sorts of blood, just the way an actress would do it. We've seen this clip in upcoming highlights for a while now. In the actual show, there was no drama attached to it. Nary even a mention.<br />
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Carly and Evan have fun with the fake doctor in the fake hospital and she realizes she's "reboarded the Evan train." She figures she was looking for a good person all this time and Evan is "one of the best people at heart" she's ever met. Aww! She likes him! Hey Mikey!<br />
<br />
On their date, Nick tells Jen he came to Paradise "with a lot of hesitation." Yeah, he's always been really shy around cameras and publicity. They lie on a beach surrounded by creepy crabs. Why would anyone go to a beach in Mexico?<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, back at Ashleyville, Nick talks to her like she needs to be talked to. He's firm and harsh but fair. He asks if she couldn't have mentally prepared herself a little better. Great question, right? Not sure anything registers with her, but maybe when she's rewatching herself over and over again in the years to come, something will sink in. He asks if she's hopeful that Jared will meet someone. Crying, she says no because she still likes him. Then Nick tells her point blank, "This isn't love; it's infatuation." Okay, okay, forget for a moment this is coming from a guy who's been on I don't know how many seasons of <i>The Bachelorette</i> and <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i> and has been engaged a couple of times. His point is still valid.<br />
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Ashley affirms that it is, indeed, love. "No it's not. Not even close," Nick tells her. She screams, "You can't tell me that!" He replies calmly, "Yeah, I can. I'm certain. You're not going to be with him. I'm sorry. You will never be with Jared." Now I think there's a role for Nick in every future season. It can be a segment called, "Straight Talk with Nick" where he just tells it like it is.<br />
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Jared is extremely frustrated with Ashley's usual shenanigans. She tells him she's never felt this way about any other guy so it's hard to let it go. "How am I supposed to find another you?!" It occurs to me that maybe this is the out this virgin needs to prolong her chastity. She really has no interest in sex (or maybe is scared) so she pretends she's fixated on someone she knows has no interest in her. That way it can appear she's actively trying even though it's fruitless.<br />
<br />
For the third time, Ashley brings up the option of leaving. "I should go fucking home," she says. "I don't want to be here. I sincerely don't want to be here for any more time." Please, someone put her out of her misery and send a car.<br />
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Something happens next week. But is it what was suggested? It looks like several people will arrive at once. And it looks like the perfect Caila will turn her back on Jared. And even Izzy will have second thoughts about Vinny, causing him to cry. We'll just have to wait and see. But only a couple more sleeps. Hang in there.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-10509710411545678232016-08-09T23:41:00.000-07:002016-08-19T19:56:55.588-07:00Bachelor in Paradise: Yet againWhat?! Another episode? Good lord! Okay, let's get this over with...<br />
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Daniel is growing on me. Unlike Chad, who is always falling back on the "it's just jokes" excuse, Daniel is actually pretty funny. And not in a destructive way. Odd, yes. Weird, sure. But not overly. He tells Sarah that she likes him. You read that right. Not that he likes her. But he does compliment her obliquely, saying you gotta be unique and special to understand him. <br />
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Christian is the new kid on the block. Christian is a big fan of this blog... Maybe. At the very least, he's 'liked' four or five tweets alerting Twitterdom to various blog updates. Whether he's actually read them or not is unknown, but I appreciate the 'likes'. (Hint: we're @BachelorBlogger)<br />
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Sarah immediately takes a shine to Christian. That can't be good for Daniel, but he eventually turns it into a positive, as we'll find out.<br />
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Daniel wants to help Evan be "less Evan-ish." See, the guy is big-hearted.<br />
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We get the day-after recounting of Carly's date from hell with Evan. After she talks about the horror of it all and their record-breaking kiss, the editors cut to a literal dead fish. Carly said Evan, in his job as an erectile dysfunction expert, is only concentrating on men boners, not on "lady boners." So she hunts him down to break up with him. Clearly she's not just there to take any rose she can get. She's got principles.<br />
<br />
She tells Evan she'd like to be friends. She actually lets him down gently. But just wait till he watches the season.<br />
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He tells the camera he's not there to find friendship. Then he weeps at the prospect of going home to his kids. I mean, at going home, period. But he has kids, so therefore...<br />
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Apparently, Evan tried to kiss Carly after she threw up on their date. That is so romantic! She asks Daniel if Evan's doing okay. Cut to him crying on his cot.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, Sarah and Christian are having fun on their adventure date, zip-lining and rapelling and all that sort of stuff. He thinks she's sexy hot. She digs him, too. Interesting to note that she doesn't kiss guys she's really into any better than she kissed the last one.<br />
<br />
Funny Daniel said he was just "back at the mansion with his dick in his hand." Did they take that clip from his season with JoJo? What mansion is he talking about?<br />
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New guy alert, even though we just got a new guy with Christian. Brandon shows up. I actually recognized him. Not sure from what season or what he did, but he looked familiar. But Chris Harrison plays up not recognizing him at all.<br />
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Carly perks right up at seeing a new face. Brandon talks first to twin Haley, and then to Carly. Apparently Brandon knows Carly's brother, who, it turns out, was also on a season of the <i>Bachelorette</i>. Who knew? Their parents must be so proud!<br />
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But Brandon asks Haley out on a date, not Carly. So it's back to square one. No, not Evan. She'll never go back to that square.<br />
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Before the date, one of the twins (at first I thought it was Haley but now I think it was Emily) got super drunk on one beer. And super horny.<br />
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Nick wants a rose even though he's said Amanda's the only one there he's interested in and her tongue has been firmly implanted in Josh's mouth the entire episode. Hello Carly?!<br />
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When Sarah gets back, Daniel goes in for the kill. He wants to show her his serious side. Even then, he's still cracking jokes. She laughs a lot around him. His explanation? He was dropped on his head a couple times.<br />
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He starts to peel back some layers on himself and that makes Sarah feel "giddy." He tells her "hands-down" she's the best girl there. She tells him that as great a time as she had on her date with Christian, she thinks it would have been better with Daniel. Daniel, though, doesn't kiss her out of concern for her health. He has a cold, but jokes he doesn't want to give her the Zika virus.<br />
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Brandon takes out Haley, his favourite of the twins. He swears he can tell them apart. So Haley and Emily do the old switcheroo. Haley excuses herself after a very formal conversation ("I appreciate that. That's very flattering.") then she and sis trade clothes. Emily comes back and Brandon's none the wiser.<br />
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Interestingly when Emily first makes her appearance as Haley, she finishes a sentence with "eh?" Yet the twins just yesterday were making fun of Daniel for saying "eh."<br />
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The show (only an hour, mercifully) ends with Evan preparing to steal Amanda from Josh. Because why not? What's he got to lose? He already has nothing. But it's To Be Continued. I'm sure it'll end well.<br />
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But wait, there's more! An hour of inane banter follows on <i>After Paradise</i>. No Chris Harrison this time. It's co-hosted by the dull Sean Lowe and the fast-talking and extremely glib Michelle Collins. Interestingly, later in the show, they make fun of several participants for not knowing the definition of "glib." All they have to do is show them three second of Collins talking. She is the very definition of the word.<br />
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The show features sit-downs with Chad, Jubilee, Lace, Leah, and Sarah. Plus there are some deleted scenes from the show. We start with Jorge the bartender saying Chad was rude (never said please or thank you and never looked him in the eye) and couldn't hold his alcohol.<br />
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Before bringing out Chad, Collins said she was slightly scared, and "I'm not even being funny." I feel she could say that about everything that comes out of her mouth.<br />
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Chad's excuse was that he was drinking. But doesn't drunkenness reveal who you are more than bring about some other version of yourself? It was stony cold between him and Lace. Collins said Chad points fingers at everyone else but never at himself. Although in this hour, he did manage to apologize for calling Sarah a "one-arm bitch," although no mention was made of "Army McArmerson," although presumably he's sorry for that, too.<br />
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Who is Spencer Pratt? He's another reality show villain. And he likes Chad. For each person (and there seem to be a lot of them) who likes Chad, I shake my head and think this explains Donald Trump's success.<br />
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Collins asks Lace if Chad deserves another chance. Lace, sitting one foot away from Chad, says he doesn't deserve to be back on any sort of Bachelor show again. Well put.<br />
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One video clip was called "Daniel explains it all, eh?" Get it? Because he's Canadian and all Canadians, as everyone knows, say "eh" all the time. They can't help it! So we see Daniel being Daniel, comparing everyone to birds. And guess what? Not a single "eh." So in two hours of programming tonight, one American twin leads one Canadian in the "eh" department 1-0.<br />
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Sean Lowe said he wants to give Evan a good haircut and get him to shave his beard. Because Sean Lowe is so hip and cool.<br />
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That's about it. I'll definitely be watching and writing next week because the lovely Caila is returning! She's the best!<br />
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<br />Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-61187225864565126632016-08-09T00:37:00.001-07:002016-08-09T00:37:20.394-07:00Bachelor in Paradise: Episodes 1 and 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Whoops, I did it again. Completely forgot to write about last week's debut episode of the godawful/great <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i> so I'll do double-duty tonight. I'm not going to go into as much detail because this is just a lowly spin-off with regular series also-rans.<br />
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Was I surprised that both Nick and Jubilee wanted to meet Chad? Yes and no. Yes, because they watched the same season we watched. What on Earth would possess anyone to want to get to know that? On the other hand, they know first-hand what editors are capable of. They learn soon enough that no amount of editing could cause that shitstorm.<br />
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Daniel's goal is to be known as the funny/weird one. Winning.<br />
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Daniel likes the twins early on. He takes Emily out to the water. Nick says he'd love to be a "fly on that wall." I think he was referring to the wall Emily erected between the two of them.<br />
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Izzy arrives and nobody knows her. Including me. It's week two as I write this and I still have no idea who she is/was.<br />
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Lots of unnecessary censorship. Lace's butt was blurred out. Then again, Lace has always been kind of blurry herself.<br />
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Jubilee is a huge Lord of the Rings nerd, leading Jared to say she has such depth. I think that says more about Jared.<br />
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Bad Chad gets jiggy with Lace. It's a tumultuous affair almost from the start. They alternate between hot kisses and threats of murder. Fun times! He told her he'd tie her to a railroad track. What a charmer!<br />
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Lace eventually calls Chad a mean person. She said everyone else was so nice and "genuous." Look it up.<br />
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Nick misunderstood Daniel's Mussolini line from JoJo's season. He thought Daniel thought Mussolini was a good guy. We all got it, though, right? Daniel was telling Chad don't be the worst of the worst, just be bad. Daniel had the benefit of Canadian schooling so he knows history.<br />
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Chad got drunk, expanding his murder threats to include rape. I wonder what other Bachelor/ette also-ran will want to meet him after this.<br />
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But you know, murder and rape is so generic so he decides to get specific. He calls Sarah a "one-arm bitch" and tells her to "keep sucking that fame dick." Atta boy, Chad. Oh, and later he called her "Army McArmerson."<br />
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But seriously, what were the producers thinking? They know who he is. They know what he's capable of. This couldn't have been a surprise to them. They put him in this position and plied him with alcohol. It's on them.<br />
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Daniel is the Hulk whisperer. He tries to calm Chad down. Doesn't work. Chad takes a swing at him then passes out by the pool.<br />
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When he wakes up, he realizes he's naked. Then he checked his shorts lying by the bed. Sniffs them. You get the picture.<br />
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Izzy wondered why he was there. She should ask Chris Harrison, who jokingly built Chad up on After the Final Rose.<br />
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Oh look, here's Chris Harrison now. He's come to tell Chad to leave. "Everyone came here to Paradise," he tells Bad Chad. "In one night, you turned it into hell."<br />
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Chad's defence? "It's joking! It's jokes!"<br />
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Lace tells him he argues instead of owning up to his actions. Bingo.<br />
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Chad storms off, throwing his body mic to the ground. Someone says Chad has been through a lot in the past six months with his mother dying. Nick correctly states, "I have a lot of friends whose parents have passed who aren't assholes."<br />
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Chad gets in some good parting shots at Chris Harrison, telling him he went to sleep with a mimosa and wearing a robe in a hotel room. Burn!... Um, what? Is that a bad thing? He also throws in a "fuck you, dude" for good measure.<br />
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Yet Chris Harrison was apparently fine with Chad at After the Final Rose, which was taped after this. Go figure.<br />
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At the end of the first episode, we see highlights where Bad Chad returns to wreak more havoc. But where was he? There was no Chad in episode 2, and not even any Chad highlights after episode 2. Did they just purge that from history or is that still to come? If so, it's completely implausible. They could easily have him thrown off the set. They could call the cops if it came to that. You think anyone can just wander onto a set and do as we pleased?<br />
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To start episode 2, we got more from Chad's farewell with Chris Harrison. He told him (rather humorously, I must admit), "On a scale of one to fuck off, fuck off." In the vehicle, he was beside himself because now he'll never be the Bachelor. Yeah, only now his chances are ruined. He was so close before!<br />
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And he talked more about killing people. If he ever does kill someone, it could mean the end of this show.<br />
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Leah arrived. We may remember her from Ben's season. Or we may not. In fact, I do not. It could be because she apparently got lip injections, according to the felines sitting around gossiping. The 23-year-old twins, who are two years away from their own Botox injections, make the most fun of her.<br />
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Oh, and Leah really wanted to date Chad! Partly because she also really loves protein. Not gonna go there. Sorry.<br />
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Leah tells Daniel that there are so many good looking girls there that if she were a man, she'd be pretty happy. Daniel replies, "If I was a man, I'd be pretty happy, as well."<br />
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Nick reveals his head size is 7 3/8ths. I've got him beat. But size isn't everything.<br />
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The twins reveal they both have scoliosis. One of them asks Nick if he wants to see her bump. She bends over for him and lets him feel it, too. Some guys have all the luck.<br />
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Leah goes on a date with Nick. It goes well. Nick takes a bite out of Leah's big, juicy lips.<br />
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Amanda said it was "definitely harder" to leave her two kids this time around. But somehow she sucked up the courage. She's a brave one.<br />
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After returning from his date with Leah, on her card, Nick gets a date card. Leah assumes he'll return the favour and invite her for their second consecutive date. Nuh-uh. He asks Amanda, the only woman there he's interested in, probably because of her winning personality, two kids, and helium-induced voice. Oh, and she's also kinda hot.<br />
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Vinny, who was with Izzy all last week, takes Sarah aside and told her she has beautiful eyes. Vinny's inner dialogue: "Don't look at her arm. Don't look at her arm."<br />
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The best part of both episodes so far was the development of Carly and Evan as a couple. This is pure gold. She was wondering what it would be like to kiss him. She wasn't going to find out from him, apparently. He'd never make the move. Carly wants a man to be a man. Cut to Evan putting his head on Carly's shoulder. So manly. A kiss clearly wasn't forthcoming so she finally planted one on him and then ran off to bed.<br />
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Evan was floating on air. There were butterflies and fireworks. He ran off to the shore to soak it all in, then laid on his bed slowly caressing his breast.<br />
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Carly had a different impression. She described the kiss as "so terrible" and said she couldn't understand how that man has two children. Hey, maybe they were adopted.<br />
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Grant is still into Lace, despite her obvious craziness. There's a lesson here: If you're crazy, try to be as good-looking as possible. People will overlook craziness at least long enough for you to have a string of short relationships. Better than none!<br />
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Lace and Grant sleep together overnight. She puts a blanket over the camera that's focussed on their bed. We hear breathy oohs and aahs while viewing images of crab porn.<br />
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Sarah is angling for Vinny. Her main competition is Izzy. Vinny grabs Sarah and kisses her. As much as she wanted it, she sure didn't look comfortable or relaxed. That gal needs a lip injection stat!<br />
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Then Vinny does the taste test with Izzy. That kiss looked a little more natural.<br />
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Nick, straight shooter that he is, tells Leah he's leaning towards Amanda. At least she has time to lie to someone. Her Plan B is Daniel. She doesn't think much of him but hey, a rose is a rose is a rose.<br />
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They had a nice dialogue, though:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Leah: I have layers<br />
Daniel: Like an onion.<br />
Leah: Yeah.<br />
Daniel: But you're not going to make me cry, though?<br />
Leah: No.<br />
Daniel: Then you're not like an onion.</blockquote>
Leah was very confused. It was a turn-off but it "doesn't matter." Daniel described himself as an "eagle." He's not going to "drop down to pigeon level." He said if he was just going to bang someone tonight, it would be one of the twins. Presumably either one. Or both!<br />
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Speaking of the twins, is there a mathematician out there who can walk me through the convoluted rules. My gin and tonic wouldn't allow me to figure it out. Chris Harrison said two women would be going home. There are nine women there. Six fellas. He also said if one of the twins gets a rose, the other one would automatically stay. So if neither of them got a rose, wouldn't there be three women going home? And if they each developed relationships with different guys and each got her own rose, wouldn't that be three that were going home? My head hurts. Granted, that might be the G&T. <br />
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Grant gave his rose to the woman who shared his bed: Lace.<br />
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Nick gave his rose to: Amanda.<br />
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Evan gave his rose to: Carly, who reluctantly accepted.<br />
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Jared gave his rose to: Emily, and by extension to Haley.<br />
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Vinny gave his rose to: not Sarah. It went to Izzy.<br />
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Daniel gave his rose to: Sarah.<br />
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Leah and Jubilee were left out in the cold. The temperature matched Leah's cold, cold heart. Her Plan B backfired.<br />
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Josh was the new arrival. I couldn't place him. Turns out he actually won Andi's season! Wow, how bad is that? I watched and blogged every episode that season and that guy went the whole way and I had no idea who he was.<br />
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The girls swoon over his toothy smile. Sarah calls him "next-level handsome."<br />
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And a nice little wrinkle is that Josh won Andi's heart over Nick. And now here he is. Guess who he's going to pick for his date? You got it, Toyota! He's going for Amanda.<br />
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I love how Lace, Daniel and Evan had no idea about Nick and Josh's history. That had to be a slap in the face to Nick, who has lived his life trying to gain fame on this show, and three people (four, if you include me) who are Bachelor/ette fans don't even remember the biggest moment of his life. Ouch.<br />
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Apparently Andi wrote a tell-all book and mentioned Josh quite a bit. And not in a positive light. Is it true? It's in a book so it must be. Plus, he looks all toothy and insincere. But Amanda can tell how genuine he is. She trusts him.<br />
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Back to Carly. Her brothers told her to stop dating guys that are feminine. Apparently her first ever boyfriend now has a boyfriend of his own. "Now here we are again," she says, and adds, "Evan does give me erectile dysfunction." I think I see the problem here.<br />
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She makes a tactical error. Carly admits that she wants to stay away from Evan. Rookie move. The producers have the upper hand. They always will. What do they do? They give a date card to Evan. And they know what he's going to do with it.<br />
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And he does just that. Carly is less than enthused. She paused and answered, "Uh... sure." Evan was ecstatic. Probably interpreted her dread as shy coyness.<br />
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She wasn't feeling any tingles. Said she's never not wanted to go on a date before. "I'm not excited about this right now," she said. In case you didn't pick up what she was laying down, she put it another way: "Every part of me is unexcited."<br />
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They start strolling hand in hand on their date and come across a cheering crowd. There is Chris Harrison with microphone in hand telling them they have a chance to make history. Apparently they can set a Guinness World Record by eating one of the hottest peppers in the world and kissing for 90 seconds. Yeah, I'm sure this is a totally legit record.<br />
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They do it. When their lips touch, Evan slides his hand down Carly's backside. She quickly moves it back up into fair territory. When they finish 100 seconds after starting, a long string of saliva joins the couple, like spaghetti between Lady and the Tramp. Not quite as romantic, though.<br />
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She goes off to vomit. She sets the record straight: She threw up not just from the pepper.<br />
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Emily, meanwhile, is trying to get Jared to show signs of life. They lie outside and he stares off. Emily is perplexed. "I'm not ugly," she tells us. "I've got really, really big boobs and a nice butt. And this isn't my first rodeo." But nothing's working. They get up and she finally just throws herself at him. "He finally kissed me and it was a really good kiss," she said.<br />
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When Amanda and Josh returned, they kissed right in front of Nick. Now, Nick has every good reason to be pissed at Josh, but the love of his life is hardly faultless. Instead of confronting him, just have a sit-down with her. She should be able to explain to him what's going down. Not sure she'll ever be able to explain it to her kids, but that's another story.<br />
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And I think that's where things left off. I'm not sure. I may have passed out from the G&T. What did I miss?Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-13632553945514150672016-08-04T00:26:00.000-07:002016-08-04T00:26:06.855-07:00Bachelorette JoJo: Aw, Phuket!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Okay, okay, here it is. I know <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i> has started already (I'll be doing a very modified blog for that – shorter and probably just as late). Chances are you've already forgotten about JoJo's season. So let me refresh your memory.<br />
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It sure was an emotional finale, wasn't it? No, not really. But that's what they told us at the start. Whatever. They still don't get that we're going to watch no matter how they try to hype it.<br />
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We start in a studio before a live audience, as has become the norm. Included in the audience is the cast of <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i> and Chris Harrison makes a point of drawing special attention to Bad Chad like it's all a big joke. Keep in mind, this had to be filmed after <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i>, where he revealed himself to be even more of a problem. So why is Harrison, and why are the producers, encouraging the guy? Almost every other villain in franchise history has been mostly booed and jeered and hissed at, men and women. This guy, maybe the most destructive of the lot, is given a wink and a chuckle. Somewhere Juan Paolo must be scratching his head.<br />
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The finale is in Phuket! Of course!<br />
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JoJo tells us and her family that when she's with one of the remaining two, she thinks of the other one. I wonder if that was also the case in the fantasy suite?<br />
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Yes, her whole family came to support her. That includes the two evil brothers. Remember them from last season? They either got the really bad edit last season, got a really good one this season, or were heavily coached on how to behave this time around. Even her mom refrained from drinking wine straight out of a bottle.<br />
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Jordan met the family first. He arrived carrying gifts and explained the tradition in his family to embarrass each other. Presumably by not talking to each other. But here he brought hats. Because what's more embarrassing than a hat, am I right?<br />
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Mom tells Jordan that JoJo has "trust issues" with men and asks him for his word that he'll never break her daughter's heart. What an empty promise that is. How could he predict the future? Yet to respond with, "Well, I can give you my word that I'll never intentionally break her heart" wouldn't go over so well.<br />
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Then Dad also brought up her "trust issues." I'm not a fan of the word "issues." But Jordan didn't bat an eyelash. He was probably too mesmerized with their looks. I can't get a handle on what either one of them looks like. You know how in some news investigations, some interviewees don't wish to be identified? Sometimes they're blurred out, sometimes they sit in the dark, and sometimes they wear bad disguises. Yeah, the last one.<br />
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It was a really short segment with Jordan. And the brothers got next to no airtime.<br />
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Next was Robby, who showed up with a severe burn from the neck down. She said she feels adored and cherished around Robby. Someone with more time on their hands than I should go back through every blog post and track what is said about the runner-up compared to the eventual winner to see if there's a theme. Seeing this now, after the fact, it seems like a no-brainer that she wasn't going to pick him.<br />
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The family seemed to like Robby more. One of the brothers reminded her she's not picking someone to be a New Year's Eve date, which seemed to be a shot at Jordan. Mom thinks Robby is more husband material than Jordan. Dad agrees. The bros like Jordan but think Robby is more committed and ready to marry.<br />
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Mom told Robby that she's giving him a princess because JoJo was raised as a princess. Good thing Jordan didn't hear that. She also told Robby that she wants him to make her a queen of his heart. Does she work for Hallmark?<br />
<br />
Jordan never asked Mr. JoJo for his blessing, should it come to that. Robby, however, included Mom in the mix, promising to protect JoJo, care for her, and commit to her his entire life. Dad scoops his daughter, telling Robby that JoJo loves him. Then Dad cried, and apparently he doesn't cry much. He's a strong man. And that makes JoJo love Robby so much more. But she's not yet ready to make a decision. Yeah, we see where this is going. And we're good with it.<br />
<br />
Another hint about her final decision was that Robby's segment was both longer and more teasingly perfect. But again, I haven't done the hard grunt work to see if this is how things are usually done in Bachelorland.<br />
<br />
The family mentions to JoJo that Jordan didn't ask their blessing to ask for her hand, while Robby did. And that was another hint. JoJo was visibly shaken by this bit of news. She cries and says she's confused but I think it's more that she's confused by the man she wants (Jordan) than between the two.<br />
<br />
And then came this seemingly fair and balanced assessment: If she was with Jordan and things didn't work out, she'd think about Robby; but if she was with Robby, she'd always wonder about Jordan. But did you catch the subtle difference? She'd think about Jordan even in good times with Robby, but would only think about Robby if things were shaky with Jordan.<br />
<br />
The date with Robby was suitably boring. He tells her he sees them sitting on a comfy sofa watching TV while a meatloaf is burning in the oven. At night with the Sap, there's more sappy dialogue. He gives her a wrapped gift and proceeds to unwrap it himself. What's the point of the wrapping? (The gift, for those keeping track at home, are unframed photos of the couple.)<br />
<br />
On Jordan's date, he said he has a tough decision to make, too. It's a two-way street. Hindering her decision is his neglecting to ask for her parents' blessing. They talk about it. She slyly leads him down the path to the point where he brings it up, looking like he did so without any prodding, but it was her all the way. He said he didn't feel comfortable asking because he didn't know if he'd be the winner, er, the man she chose. I don't think he thought this through. The guy talks in circles. He says he doesn't know if he'd be ready to get down on one knee in two days or not, then says he would be. She's not sure if he's ready for an engagement although she thinks he does want to be with her. Details, details.<br />
<br />
Jordan feels bummed that he let her down. I'm not sure why he doesn't just go over to their place and ask. There are supposed to be no rules, right? What's stopping him?<br />
<br />
Instead he decides to call them and ask. Mom gives their blessing. Dad doesn't say anything.<br />
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All the indecision went away, as it so often does, overnight leading into the final day. JoJo woke up with a moment of clarity. She won't change her mind.<br />
<br />
She gets letters from the two fellas. She cries as she reads the letter from Jordan. It's everything she's wanted. She not only believes him, she believes in him.<br />
<br />
Then again, she cries when she reads the missive from Robby. Watching him get dressed through this, we get a closeup of his head and I marvelled at the comb job on his head. He's got all the makings of a great Trump 'do when he's older.<br />
<br />
Then we get to hear Robby's confidence at winning JoJo, a surefire sign he's not getting the rose, or her hand in marriage.<br />
<br />
Chris Harrison tells the studio audience it's going to be painful because they both expect they'll be chosen. You know, unlike every single other final rose ceremony where one person doesn't really care either way.<br />
<br />
We see some feet getting out of a vehicle. The feet are adorned with garish socks and the legs with the skinniest dress pants I've ever seen. My wife said, "Don't pick him based on that outfit alone." Turns out it's Robby.<br />
<br />
We hear his over-confidence: "When I leave today, I will be engaged." Why would he say that? Even if you're 100 percent confident, just hold your tongue because there is one other guy involved. It's within the realm of possibility that you won't be engaged.<br />
<br />
When she sees him, she says, "You look amazing. This is the best suit." So there's that. I guess she couldn't see his socks.<br />
<br />
He opens his yap: "Jo, my family adores you, my future longs for you, my heart yearns for you." He speaks of their love, the kind you only hear about in fairy tales. You know, because it's not real.<br />
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She stops him before he can soil his knee and feeds him a line of BS: "I woke up this morning wanting it to be you." I thought she woke up with a moment of clarity? She continued: "Every day I've been wanting it to be you." If you really want to choose someone, just choose them. What's the holdup? But why would you want it to be someone who you don't feel for? And how does this make Jordan feel? "I chose you Jordan, but I really wanted it to be Robby."<br />
<br />
As she walks him to the car, she says it again: "You don't get how badly I wanted it to be you." And gives another variation on the same theme once more for good measure. Does this make any sense to anyone? If so, please explain. The only thing I can think of is the socks. She really wanted it to be him until she took a look at those.<br />
<br />
But Robby took it better than I expected him to. He just said he's "really, really confused." I hear you.<br />
<br />
Jordan arrives wearing normal socks but just as skinny pants. She has a big smile for him. He tells her he's so unbelievably in love with her and that he's going to choose her over and over again until she tells him he can't. She then stops him to tell him she loves him so much. She didn't want him to get down on one knee until he heard that. I thought that was a bit presumptuous.<br />
<br />
I liked his proposal, though. Short and to the point. Just said her full name and added, "Will you marry me?" Boom. Done.<br />
<br />
She accepted.<br />
<br />
On <i>After the Final Rose</i>, Robby entered. Looks like he got his teeth done. They were unnaturally white. But he was still dull.<br />
<br />
When JoJo joined him, he beamed. That's about it.<br />
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Chris Harrison asked JoJo who she thought should be the next Bachelor. She mentioned Luke and Chase and then Chad stood up to make a case for himself: he lost his mom, he was a marine. He desperately wants it. Some in the audience even cheered for him. I blame Chris Harrison.<br />
<br />
My choices: 1. a nobody, 2. Chase, 3. Chris Harrison. <br />
<br />
When Jordan came out to join JoJo, they talked about the difficult times they've had with the tabloids. Stuff about Jordan being a fraud and JoJo's ex. But this was all stuff that came out on the show first. The tabs just ran with it. It's not like they created that out of whole cloth.<br />
<br />
Other news? Let's see... Jordan's bags are packed. He's moving to Dallas. With JoJo. They've got a house already... Chris Harrison brought up the rift with his brother. Jordan double-talked his way out of it... That's about it.<br />
<br />
And that's all she wrote, ladies and germs. Kinda ended with a fizzle, didn't it? Check back here for brief thoughts on <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i> in a day or two if you want.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-68347810834774513042016-07-31T14:25:00.003-07:002016-08-01T20:24:09.118-07:00Bachelorette JoJo: Two-in-one<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Oh, good Lord. It's Sunday again. Guess what I forgot? That's not a good sign for our sometimes-favourite reality show. Or maybe it's just a sign of summertime. I doubt I'll be able to muster up the energy for <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i> week after trainwreck week.<br />
<br />
Okay, let me peruse my notes on last week. There were two episodes which I'll condense into one post.<br />
<br />
The show started with the resolution to the previous week. Remember? The guys were standing at the rose ceremony after JoJo told us she had to send Luke home. Then Luke asked to speak to her alone, where he told her he loved her (or words to that effect). Then they went back out and she didn't choose Luke. Ouch. The roses went in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Jordan</li>
<li>Robby</li>
<li>Chase</li>
</ol>
Poor Luke. I guarantee you she will not find someone who's as good a skeet shooter as Luke. I wrote in my notes that I could see the producers picking him as the next Bachelor. I wouldn't hate the decision (especially if the alternative is Robby) but I think Chase would be better. Or even Jordan. Plus with Jordan, it would also help him get more famous than his brother.<br />
<br />
She sits with Luke and cries after dumping him. She tells him how much she struggled and he stood up to leave in shock at how it all played out. "I just can't believe I squandered it away," he said, "I had no clue I wasn't saying it enough." He thought his kiss caused a look in her eye that said more than words can say, forgetting momentarily the function of words.<br />
<br />
At the car he said, "You didn't want me anymore." She cried, "It's not that." Um, it's not? What is it then? He's dumbfounded. "I miss you already," he said, then apologized and got in the car. Inside the vehicle, he says he feels he got hit by a train. "I can't even process this right now. This is not supposed to happen."<br />
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With Luke out of the way, JoJo and the three single guys head to Thailand. Usually when single guys go to Thailand, it's for other reasons. And don't forget, this is the week of exotic (and erotic) overnight dates. I really hope they're in Phuket.<br />
<br />
Her first date is with Robby, who, I would guess, is most comfortable in Thailand. In a downpour, Robby mentions a "dark cloud." It's official. There has never been rain in franchise history that has not been accompanied by someone uttering the lame metaphor.<br />
<br />
Not much to report on the date. It's all just a preamble to the much anticipated overnight. But at dinner, Robby gave JoJo a letter before she gave him the overnight card. It was from his father. The only news is that he signed it "Dad" and not "Coach."<br />
<br />
She feels confident in their relationship and excited about what their future would be like. She wants some alone time so she hands him the bogus note from Chris Harrison. Robby answers yes before even reading it. And why should he? The note hasn't changed in 30-odd seasons.<br />
<br />
She tells Robby she has "strong feelings" for him. It really is inexplicable. The only plausible explanation is that she's forced to be around him so much in an artificial environment. In the real world, I would think they'd have zero chance of ever being a couple.<br />
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And then she says she feels ready to want to be intimate with Robby. There are just some things in life I'll never understand.<br />
<br />
We see them first thing in the morning eating breakfast in bed. Her high heels are on the bedside table, for some unknown reason, presumably as a defence weapon to stab him in the eye in case he tried anything. But she says she can see waking up next to Robby for the rest of her life. And then this: "I am in love with Robby. That is so crazy." Yes. Yes, it most certainly is. She wants to tell him back that she loves him, but she can't. Even though they always tell us there are no rules, apparently there are. Then she kisses him goodbye. "See ya! I'm off to sleep with two other guys!"<br />
<br />
Next is Jordan's turn. First they go on a long and challenging hike. Maybe she's trying to tire him out. Sitting in a temple (which looks suspiciously like outside) he asks her what her parents are like. I guess he never watched last season. She tells him her brothers are "great" and describes them as "guys' guys." She figured if he didn't see last season, he wouldn't have seen her overbearing brothers so she could start fresh.<br />
<br />
She wonders if Jordan is too good to be true. That's what the fantasy suite is for. She'll find out soon enough.<br />
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He tells her he doesn't have or need a home base right now. She gets hung up on the "right now" part. She's worried he might get a phone call one day and take off. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She said, "That's what Ben said." Jordan can't win. But I think he will. She's questioning their relationship the most because she wants and needs to convince herself and she wants to hear his smooth and reassuring answers to make herself feel better.<br />
<br />
He accepts Chris Harrison's generous offer to forego his own private room. JoJo says, "I can't wait." She says she loves Jordan. So that's two dudes she loves.<br />
<br />
Waking up with him was "perfect." They kiss at the door and she thanks him for "everything."<br />
<br />
Finally Chase gets his chance. He pulls up on a scooter that he just leaves behind as they walk off. I guess in Thailand, it's find a scooter, leave a scooter.<br />
<br />
Chase is "extra playful" on the date, JoJo thought. I thought that was a good move. At least it sets him apart from the overly serious desperation of Robby and the earnestness of Jordan.<br />
<br />
Between the day and night portion of their date, she was back alone at her place when Robby decided to pay a surprise visit. Bush league stuff. He missed her more than she could know. Robby, the sap, couldn't stop thinking of her, has never been more ready to get down on one knee. He's ready for a family, to be her husband. I was so hoping Chase showed up in the middle of it. Didn't happen though.<br />
<br />
Back with Chase, he tells her he wants a future with her. She kisses him, but it seems a bit guiltily. She gives him the fake card from Chris Harrison and he replies, "Absolutely." She says wearily, "Good."<br />
<br />
Inside, he tells her he's 100 percent in love with her. Again, silence. Again a guilty kiss. Then finally, "Thank you for telling me that," which is code for, "Oh shit." She excuses herself. Chase was probably sitting there thinking she's gone off to get the rose. But no, she was fretting about what to do. She sits and thinks alone outside. She said she didn't want to hurt him. And "I wanted to fall in love with him." Such hooey. If she really wanted to, she would have. I thought she should at least have given him the honour of the overnight.<br />
<br />
She comes back inside and lowers the boom on him. She doesn't know if she's in the same place as him and doesn't know if spending the night together would change things. He replies tersely, "I get the point." She says, "Talk to me." So he rightfully lays into her: "Talk to you? I just threw myself out there. I just jumped over a hurdle that I've never done before and now I'm skewered. Now I'm shattered. I mean, what do you want me to say? Now 100 percent of me may regret saying that. So now 'love' equals 'get the fuck out'? That was so fucking terrifying for me to say. Now look where I end up." She starts in with, "I thought that tonight...." He interrupts with, "You didn't give it a chance."<br />
<br />
He asks her what was missing. She said she didn't know that in a week from now she'd be able to say 'I love you' back to him. She's just trying to be fair to him. "I'm trying to not let what happened to me, happen to you, blindsiding you or not being fair and not being honest." He says, "You kinda just did all that."<br />
<br />
She's left with nothing else but to bring out the big guns: the tears. "I'm sick to my stomach and I care so much about you that I wanted to fall in love with you. You have done everything right. You have made me feel unbelievable from the start." Blah, blah, blah.<br />
<br />
He gets up. She sobs, "I didn't mean to do this." Really? What exactly did she mean? She asks him why he's walking away. "How could I not?" She chases after him. She can't have him walk away thinking this was something she meant to do. He asks, "How can it not?" He couldn't understand why he'd throw himself out there only to be immediately sent home. JoJo went with her old standby: "I don't know how to do this!"<br />
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Chase grabs a can of beer and heads to a big van that will (presumably) drive him to the airport. He has the line of the season as he gets in the van. Maybe the line of any season: "Oh, is this my fantasy suite?" Inside, he says, "That sucked. I get a fantasy suite card and then I get sent home. That's like pull your pants down and kick me in the nuts." He says he regrets telling her he loves her. He's embarrassed and heart-broken.<br />
<br />
At the rose ceremony, there are only two men, both former athletes/current nothings. Or at least nothing we've been told about.<br />
<br />
JoJo tells them she sent Chase home. Cue Chase. He makes a dramatic entrance. So much for contestants getting sent immediately home. This was one or two days later and he was still hanging around.<br />
<br />
Chase asks to speak to JoJo. He takes her by the hand and sits her down, telling her he cares too much to let a relationship end the way it did. He was in shock so couldn't say the things he wanted to say. He resorted to anger and putting walls up. So he showed up at the rose ceremony to tell her he's proud of her, impressed with her, admires her, thinks she's amazing, is not mad at her, and not asking for a second chance. Basically, what he's saying is that if things don't work out with one of the ex-jocks, he'll take her back.<br />
<br />
Then he walks off, chased by a monkey.<br />
<br />
The roses went in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Jordan</li>
<li>Robby, with sweat-stained armpits</li>
</ol>
They celebrate with champagne. Robby is zoned in and beaming. Jordan, in his skinny pants, isn't sure what to make of things.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Oh, and apparently it'll be a "shocking conclusion" on Monday.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Then there was <i>The Men Tell All</i> episode. It starts off with all sorts of behind-the-scenes stuff, with a floor director yelling, the guys backstage, a limo pulling up, and Bad Chad walking to his private trailer. He probably negotiated that. He needs to set himself apart.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Harrison said it was the most anticipated reunion show ever. I didn't even think about it until they reminded us last week.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I get all confused about the timeline. We saw a clip of Erectile Evan and Bad Chad on the upcoming <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i>. It looked like Chad hit Evan. Now, obviously since we're seeing highlights, this was filmed before <i>The Men Tell All</i>. Yet Chad and Evan are there and nothing was mentioned. They even interacted.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Also, Bad Chad was Bad Chad on <i>The Men Tell All</i>. And Bad Chad was/will be Bad Chad on <i>Bachelor in Paradise.</i> He's hitting people and threatening people and the producers are complicit. He's being rewarded for his behaviour every step of the way, so why would he change?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">In introducing all the guys, they saved Luke for last. Clearly the producers want him for the next season of <i>The Bachelor</i>. But Chase, who was introduced second-to-last, got the biggest cheers. But he's not a veteran and a man's man with an aw-shucks humility. Chase is just a normal good guy.</span><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Chad, incidentally, was not introduced along with the others. They need to build up his big entrance. When did Vince McMahon take over this series?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">The fellas start off going against Wee Alex. They say he just likes confrontation. Poor little guy.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">But they move quickly to Bad Chad. Erectile Evan likened him to Donald Trump, saying one's as real as the other. Nice analogy.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Everyone please stay in your seats! Chad is coming! We watch him, dressed in black, exiting his trailer followed by security. I'm pretty sure the security is there to protect everyone from Chad, not vice versa. And Chad whistles as he walks, just as he's been directed to by Vince McMahon. Either that or they just dubbed in his whistling from before.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Usually when a villain shows up on these shows, they're met with disgust, if not boos, from the studio audience. Bad Chad entered to cheers! Then again, so does Donald Trump.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">We got the usual rationalizations from BC: Everyone hated him because he wasn't fake and was unwilling to play along. What do you do? You can't punch someone on camera! Poor big guy.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">To back up his assertion that everyone there is a big phoney, he rattled off their occupations: model, singer, radio show host, media, etc. Wells, the deejay, counters by asking what, exactly, a luxury real estate guy does. Chad answers: "Don't make me talk about your girl, bro." Ah, that explains it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">It was his modus operandi all night. When Not James Taylor brought up a logical inconsistency Chad used, he responded with, "James, you might want to pump your brakes there, buddy. I got dirt on you, son." Well said.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Since he was booted off the show, he's dated both Robby's and Grant's ex-girlfriends. So you know he really, really wants to find love.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">I can't keep up with all the back and forth.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">They run the tape on the moment when Bad Chad ripped Evan's shirt. All season, Chad claimed that Evan tried to knock him down. All season, I thought that was a bogus claim. Turns out there's some truth to it. At least it looked like Evan shoved him a bit. But what was missed in this argument was that it still doesn't excuse what Chad did, although it explains it a bit. I never would have guessed that Evan had it in him to instigate. Also, there's no way Chad almost fell. He barely even budged.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">Chad has the Freudian slip of the night. When it was suggested that he went after Robby and Grant's ex-girlfriends, he replied, "Wait, they didn't go after me!... I mean..."</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Asked if he had any regrets, he surprised no one when he said he doesn't regret 99 percent of what happened. Why should he? He got offered <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i> and got to star in <i>The Men Tell All</i>. "Sometimes you choose apples when you should have chose pickles, you know what I mean?" Of course, we all know what he means.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Luke's turn in the hotseat. This oughta be dull.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Nailed it.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">He says he's still in love with JoJo. Chris Harrison hints at Luke being the new Bachelor by saying, "It seems like you're ready to love again." Hmm...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Who else would like to go back to the time when strangers became the Bachelor and Bachelorette? If only because the way they've been doing it lately, it brings about contestants who do nothing but angle for the gig. If they knew this was their one chance on national TV, maybe they'd get more serious contestants. The only possible next step would be <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i>.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">When JoJo entered to a standing ovation, Luke told her he just wants her to be happy and adds, "Thank you for allowing me to love you." Blech! The producers are salivating. Good guy. War hero. They've got the ad campaign all ready.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Chase thanked her, too. Then he asked if she didn't feel love, why did she give him the fantasy suite card? She said if they had spent the night together, it would have been so much harder for both of them. But that would have been true for whichever of Robby or Jordan she doesn't choose. It won't be easy for one of them.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">Chad asks to speak. He started off well, wishing her luck, but then finished with the the jerkiest of jerky things he's said all jerk-filled season. He told her Robby broke up with his girlfriend days before filming in order to be on the show (remember, he dated Robby's ex), and that Jordan is a "liar and cheater" whose older brother won't even talk to him. Then to top it all off, he wished her well in her relationship "endeavours," pronouncing it with the stress on the last syllable so it sounds like "relationship in divorce." Classy through and through, especially with the added patented smirk.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">She doesn't respond because "he's not worth my breath." That elicits a standing O from the guys.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">The floor is opened up to anyone. Santa speaks but says nothing. Alex expresses his unhappiness at being unwanted. Derek gets her to back him up that he never asked for reassurance. And Vinny said he could have used a cocktail party since he didn't get a 1-on-1 in Uruguay. Then Barbra Streisand stood up in the audience to tell JoJo she made a big mistake in not choosing Vinny. "He's still single if anybody's ready!"</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">And we end with the always unhilarious blooper reel. This one was filled with insects and animals, including Luke's unicorn that licked JoJo's boobs and motorboated her.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: small;">To conclude, Harrison asked JoJo if she was happy with the decision she made, which we'll see on Monday. "No, Chris, I made a huge mistake." That's what I wish she would have said. She didn't, though.</span>Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-56883799234916838992016-07-24T17:48:00.000-07:002016-07-24T17:48:26.408-07:00Bachelorette JoJo: Hometown heroesWhoops. A little late with this one. Thought I'd get at least something up before two more follow back-to-back. In my defence, we were away last week. I had to watch in a hotel room without the benefit of PVR, like a barbarian. But I jotted down some notes. Here they are for ya.<br />
<br />
It was the hometown visits with Chase, Jordan, Robby, and Luke, in that order.<br />
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I missed Chase's hometown but it looked to be somewhere near the North Pole. There was snow, which really drives home just how long ago this was filmed. Chase is the product of a broken home, which is his excuse for why he's slow to open up. His home is so broken, his parents haven't spoken for years. Chase had to introduce JoJo to them separately.<br />
<br />
He said his dad wasn't around much when he was growing up, yet oddly then said he got his big heart from his dad. But his dad seemed like a nice guy. Chase used the opportunity of a camera crew in their faces to ask his dad point blank why his marriage to Chase's mom didn't work out. He used the corporate ladder excuse. Exit dad.<br />
<br />
Enter mom and the rest of the fam. The mom defended Chase to JoJo, again using the divorce as an excuse for his reticence with the L-word. The family likes excuses! Chase's sister, it turns out, is also loathe to use such a loaded word. It's like they're the only children who have been through such an ordeal.<br />
<br />
At the car, Chase whispers, "I'm falling in love with you, JoJo." And she knows he means it because he's the child of divorce. <br />
<br />
I came away with good feelings about the family. They seem great. Far too normal for JoJo's eccentric crew.<br />
<br />
Jordan is from Chico, California, a place I, as a foreigner, have heard of. JoJo, US citizen, had never heard of it. She freaks out at seeing free-range deer running around. I guess they all get shot in Texas.<br />
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As with every single former jock in this history of <i>The Bachelorette</i>, he takes JoJo to his old high school. Jordan went to Pleasant Valley High, home of the Vikings. Should be home of the Monkees.<br />
<br />
He has hugs for many of his old teachers, including his JV football coach. JV? This guy didn't make varsity? No wonder he was only on the BC Lions practice squad!<br />
<br />
We also find out that charmer Jordan never had a high school sweetheart. But he makes up for lost time by kissing JoJo in the library.<br />
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Sitting in some stands, Jordan says he doesn't want his NFL-playing MVP brother Aaron to be part a topic of discussion when she visits his family. JoJo, on the other hand, it seems, wants nothing but. She'd talk about Aaron all day if someone would just go along with her.<br />
<br />
We meet Jordan's other brother. If it's hard on the fringe-NFL player Jordan, can you imagine how hard it is on the brother who couldn't even make a practice roster? Ouch. JoJo brings up the topic she wasn't supposed to bring up: Aaron. She talks to the Other Brother about him. He's impressed that Jordan talked about him at all with JoJo. It must mean something. She tells OB she's "crazy about" Jordan.<br />
<br />
Their dad tells JoJo he's noticed a skip in Jordan's step. He hadn't seen that before. JoJo managed to yet again bring up Aaron, only tactfully saying "his brother." Dad doesn't bite.<br />
<br />
Jo and JoJo kiss outside. He tells her, "Don't ever doubt this." Probably should have added, "Don't read the tabloids."<br />
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Robby is from St. Augustine, Florida. I don't get the attraction she has for him at all, but she likes so many things about him. They tour the town by horse carriage.<br />
<br />
She tells him he was the first guy she was emotionally connected to. Thank goodness she feels a bit conflicted now. She worries about his last relationship. He assures her it's very much a part of his past<br />
and that's where it's going to stay.<br />
<br />
They bring a ton of gifts to his family. We never get to see what they are. His dad greets them and tells JoJo to call him "Coach." I don't think I could do that. I'm guessing he's a swimming coach but they don't say.<br />
<br />
JoJo asks Robby's mom about the ex-girlfriend. I think Robby's ex and Jordan's brother Aaron should get together.<br />
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Then she reveals something she hasn't shared with anyone else: she's falling in love with Robby. Ewww!<br />
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Mom tells Robby some bad news. Apparently his ex's roommate is telling the world that Robby broke up with his ex to go on the show. He starts to have a panic attack. His mom says, "Deep breaths."<br />
<br />
Is Robby racist? He spoke of "chinks" and "nips". Not cool Robby. [This is my lesson on context for my American readers to use in their upcoming election. Yes, he used those words, but the context was non-racist: "chink in the armour" and "nip it in the bud."]<br />
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Robby tells JoJo what his mom just told him. He's sweating. I thought his mom should have been there with him because she knows the score. She could have provided an alibi. JoJo asked him if there's any truth to what the roommate was saying. Robby said there wasn't and then JoJo said, "Just be honest." What the hell? Where did that come from?<br />
<br />
Robby said he'd never speak to his ex again. They had a blowup fight over Christmas and she slapped him. It's over and done with. Nobody slaps Robby.<br />
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He doesn't like JoJo being nervous because it puts him "at a disadvantage." Yeah, he's there for the right reasons, isn't he?!<br />
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They walk outside in a heavy rainfall. God is crying.<br />
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She meets Luke in Texas wearing cut-off shorts and cowboy boots. They hop in his pickup truck and drive down a dusty dirt road to a picnic to meet his mom, dad, sister, and the rest of the town.<br />
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They leave the barbecue and head off on horses for a "surprise." They ride to a haystack sofa where he tells her how good she looks in her cutoff shorts and cowboy boots and adds, "I hope that's how you felt, too." I think something was missed in the editing.<br />
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He says, "I want the future. I want us," and he kisses her. What's the surprise? Was that it? He's got to work on managing expectations.<br />
<br />
Oh, here's the surprise: He wants her to know he's falling in love with her. He leads her down a path that leads to a giant heart and says, "I want you to know my heart is yours." Um, maybe that's Texan for "I'm falling in love with you"?<br />
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The rose ceremony is in an airport hangar. Robby shows up first. He's last on my scorecard. My personal order of preference is Chase, Jordan, Luke, and Robby.<br />
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Something fishy is going on (as usual). Before the rose ceremony, JoJo tells the camera that she needs to say goodbye to Luke. When in the history of this storied franchise has it been revealed beforehand? Never, is the answer.<br />
<br />
She gets in front of them, grabs a rose, and pauses long enough for Luke to pipe up and ask to have a word with her. Yeah, totally plausible. Jordan turns to the others and says they had a whole day to talk to each other. Exactly. It's BS (pardon my acronym).<br />
<br />
Luke tells JoJo that his heart is hers. He felt he also needed to tell her he's in love with her and didn't get to tell her. It's been on his mind. She squeezed his shoulder and said, "Thank you, I am glad you told me that."<br />
<br />
Now she doesn't know what to do. She says it changes things, but is it enough? She's wondering who'll be the best life partner for her, the best husband. She squats down in her gown and bawls, torn at the decision she has to make.<br />
<br />
And... to be continued. The producers love this garbage. We've had so many To Be Continueds in the past couple of season. They don't understand that we're going to watch regardless. Or not.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow night we find out. Tuesday it's the Men Tell All. I'll be there with my PVR so I won't miss a thing.<br />
<br />Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-37291261311942666242016-07-13T11:24:00.000-07:002016-07-13T11:24:23.583-07:00Bachelorette JoJo: Weirdest. Episode. Ever.Did everyone enjoy their two-week break? I sure did. As a Canadian, July 4th to me is the day after July 3rd. I don't even think of it unless I hear the date. So I tuned in dutifully at the anointed hour only to think I had dementia. The show was on but it seemed all too familiar. Finally figured out it was a repeat about 45 minutes in.<br />
<br />
I exaggerate. Slightly.<br />
<br />
But after two weeks, I was ready to get back to work. And it took me only about 45 minutes to figure out who everyone was again.<br />
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While in the lineup at the grocery store, I saw a magazine cover that all but said Jordan was a fraud. I didn't read it, but that's what everyone was saying last week. No signs of it this week at all. What do you think? Is Jordan more of a fraud than the rest? Or is Jordan the same as everyone else? Post your answer to the comments section.<br />
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Hometowns are right around the corner (next week). We know JoJo is going to want to meet Jordan's famous brother, so he's a shoe-in. Or so I thought until he told her doesn't have a relationship with his sibling. Whoops.<br />
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Chris Harrison enters for his two minutes of screen time to justify his free trip to Buenos Aires. He tells the fellas there would be three 1-on-1 dates but without roses. The 3-on-1 group date, however, would come with the flower. I figured everyone would want the group date this time for a 1 in 3 chance of guaranteeing a trip back home. Nope. They all pined for some alone time. Saps.<br />
<br />
Wee Alex was the only one left who hasn't had a 1-on-1 so he was desperate. He got the first one. I wrote in my notes, "I hope he goes home." And you can tell right off the bat it's headed that way. They're taken on a long drive. To pass the time, they munch on Pringles in the back seat. Alex tries to kiss her with Pringle duck lips. She nips that in the bud.<br />
<br />
Throughout their date, we're witness to the other five taking a bus to see some sights. For no reason at all. The bit with them goes absolutely nowhere, even as they're driven to a "sketchy" barbecue spot (where even a dog wouldn't touch the mystery meat) and to a polo club. Can you say filler? Can you say network TV time killer? Hey, that rhymes. Reminds me that they all were "rapping" on the bus ride as only five white guys can. The only thing worse was the cut to Wee Alex "freestyling" with a weak couplet.<br />
<br />
Alex and JoJo finally arrive at a ranch, ending their awkward silent drive. They're told by the authentic gauchos that they'll never be gauchos because gauchos are born, not made. But they can make-believe! Luckily for all, the ranch had some little boy gaucho outfit for Wee Alex to wear. Another sign that JoJo had no romantic interest with Alex was her calling him a "cute little gaucho."<br />
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The next segment will go down in <i>Bachelor/ette</i> lore as perhaps the weirdest ever. A real gaucho got down and dirty with a horse. The horse "gives into him." What the actual hell? He gets the horse on its back, gets on top of it, and sweet talked it until it was lying down spent. JoJo and Alex are instructed to lie down and "spoon" with the majestic animal. And they comply! Then they kiss over top of the horizontal horse. Weirdest. Episode. Ever.<br />
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"Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life. It really is," says Alex, in a textbook moment of foreshadowing. But then they kiss and JoJo looks happy, so who knows? Then again, I think JoJo would be happy kissing anyone.<br />
<br />
Alex gets ahead of himself, saying he'd love to "crack a cold one" with her brothers and watch some football. He clearly didn't watch last season. Then it all comes crumbling down. He needs her to know that he's falling in love with her. Gulp. She never expected him to say that, she says. And why should she? It was just the week before hometowns. Five other guys left. Tons of time left!<br />
<br />
She tells him it was the best day she's had with him and he gets momentarily excited because he heard the words "best day" without the qualifier. It's also the only day she's had with him. Details, details. She tells him she doesn't feel as excited as she should feel given the situation. His arm drops off her neck as realization sets in. Then she feeds him the old line of letting him go now instead of keeping him around for another two days because she respects him so much. I think I'd feel more respected if she kept me around under the illusion that she's really thinking about who to send home, like it's a tough choice. Plus it's an extra couple of days in Argentina.<br />
<br />
She walks him to the car and leans down to hug him goodbye. He can't look her in the eye – and not just because she towers over him. He mutters, "Take care," and gets in the vehicle. She cries, saying, "I don't know how to do this... I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."<br />
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Jordan the alleged fraud gets the next 1-on-1 date. He's driven in a white stretch limo to an airfield where JoJo is waiting by a private jet that will whisk them away to Mendoza for a wine tasting and smushing. That's right, they take off their shoes and crush grapes with their bare feet just like Lucille Ball did. Note to self: Never drink Argentinian wine. That's just gross. And to make matters grosser, they dip wine glasses into the newly mushed grapes and scoop up some grape juice/toe jam concoction. Who else just threw up a bit?<br />
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At dinner, he reveals that his older brother is hilarious and that he has no relationship with the younger, famous NFL star brother, Aaron. JoJo dries right up.<br />
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He also says he "walked away from" football. That's code for being cut by three teams. He showed them! I just Googled him and found out he also played for my hometown BC Lions in the Canadian Football League. But further reading revealed he made the practice roster, then attended a mini camp before "abruptly" quitting. He told JoJo he could have kept playing but that football doesn't define him. Yes, I'm sure any team in the CFL would have loved to have had him on their practice roster.<br />
<br />
But before she can absorb all this potentially disastrous information, he tells her, "I am so in love with you." She gazes into his eyes and says, "That makes me so happy." She grabs his chin and brings it next to her chin. They chin each other.<br />
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The group date is Chase, Robby and Not James Taylor. It's a kind of slumber party. It starts off with some greasy junk food. She shoves about 25 french fries into Not James Taylor's mouth and that's possibly more disgusting than the toe jam vino. They also play charades and Truth or Dare, where she dares Robby to strip down to his gaunch and run through the hotel hall knocking on doors. He throws in a mooning for good measure.<br />
<br />
Not James Taylor keeps "joking" that Robby has a wandering eye for the Argentinian ladies. It may or may not be true, but NJT won't let up. JoJo doesn't like it if it's true. But I don't think it's going to matter one way or the other. The four of them lie on the bed watching the Brazilian version of <i>The Bachelor</i>. So Argentina, a Spanish-speaking country, gets Brazilian (Portuguese speaking) TV?<br />
<br />
JoJo takes Robby outside, perhaps to test his wandering eye. They talk about his last relationship. He broke up a 3-year relationship just a few months ago. He says in three years he never saw her house and met her mother only once. He probably never saw her penis, either.<br />
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Chase and JoJo sit inside. He's serious but plays it cool. He's committed but not desperate. They kiss romantically.<br />
<br />
Not James Taylor and JoJo also sit inside on a couch, only she sits farther away from him than she did with the others. They talk like friends. And not particularly close ones. He tells her he's "very much in the process of falling for" her. They kiss, but barely. Body language experts could have a field day with her.<br />
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My prediction was that Chase would get the rose. Wrong. It went to Robby because she wants to meet his family. Maybe so she can find out for sure if he really likes girls. Since Robby got the rose, he also got more alone time with JoJo. Not James Taylor and Chase took a van back to the hotel. James figures either him or Chase will be going home at the rose ceremony. He's not so dumb after all.<br />
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Luke gets the last 1-on-1. JoJo introduces him to Snowflake, a miniature horse. That was nice of her to have this date with Luke and not Alex. That would have been cold.<br />
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They go off riding full size horses. Luke knows what he's doing. He's like a horse whisperer, only he doesn't use his powers to bed horses like that other freak.<br />
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They ride to a shooting range to do some skeet shooting, and Luke is a natural there, too. They kiss on a haystack. But the date is shorter than the other two. No night time portion. The rose ceremony is that night. No cocktail party, though, because she knows what she's gonna do. She's going to send Not James Taylor home because, presumably, she doesn't respect him as much as Wee Alex.<br />
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Robby was the only one with a rose. The other roses went in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Luke</li>
<li>Jordan</li>
<li>Chase</li>
</ol>
Goodbye Not James Taylor. Good luck with your record contract. She walks him out and cries. She says he touched her heart and made her a better person. I'm surprised it took me this long but I suddenly realize that if they made a movie of this season, Not James Taylor would be played by John C. Reilly.<br />
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He thanks her for being so sweet to him. It's all very positive through the tears. Mind you, she's not crying because she thinks it may be the wrong decision or she was anywhere near close to choosing him. She's crying because she feels sorry for him.<br />
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Next week: The hometowns! Let's see who has the biggest train wreck family. In the highlights, we see JoJo breaking down in a blue gown saying her heart is broken. We're led to believe this has something to do with Robby but surely she has more sense than that. We'll see.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-44169949402208005412016-06-28T21:29:00.002-07:002016-06-28T21:29:21.803-07:00Bachelorette JoJo: Two, two, two 2s-on-1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Howdy. I think that's how they greet people in Argentina. I know there are cowboys there, anyway. The gang is in beautiful Buenos Aires and they've all been coached in the correct pronunciation of that capital city. Who pronounces it the way it's supposed to be pronounced? Only Spanish speakers and news announcers. But you should have heard JoJo say Buenos Eye-rays. Bueno, indeed!<br />
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We are more than halfway through this season, thank God. It's okay and JoJo is better than I thought she'd be, but I've got no real rooting interest in anyone.<br />
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Chris Harrison makes a guest appearance this week. I guess he always wanted to go to Argentina because he served no purpose. He sat down on a bench with JoJo but nothing of import was said. Then he gathered the fellas together to tell them that his week, for the first time in franchise history, there'd be a second 2-on-1 date in a season. Good thing he was there. How else could they have found out? He earned his paycheque this week.<br />
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Deejay Wells gets the 1-on-1 date. The date card reads, "Besame, besame muchacho." Which translates roughly to, "Kiss me, kiss me, dude." Apparently Wells is the only one left to not shared spit with JoJo. All the guys are in shock at his oral chastity instead of getting the sudden realization that they're not so special. She's tonguing everyone. And that's why she chose Wells for this date: for the sole reason of kissing him.<br />
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But that card has got him on edge. Even after dressing for his date, he says he's not ready at all. When JoJo arrives, Luke asks her, "Are you guys gonna kiss today?" She responds, "Hmm, that's funny, isn't it?" But yes, that's the plan.<br />
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They walk through Buenos Eye-rays and Wells buys JoJo a bracelet from a street vendor. Ka-ching! JoJo takes a mental note: No body, no game, no money.<br />
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They attend a performance (kind of) of a show that translates to Brute Force. It involves watching people frolic in an elevated pool from underneath. Now you can see why it's called Brute Force. They do something on a treadmill and Wells, desperately trying to find the right moment to go in for his big moment, goes for a high-5 instead. They miss. JoJo offers him her cheek, which he pecks. Fail.<br />
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When Wells and JoJo get in the pool, there's lots of rolling around together. It brings out the confident, romantic side of him. So long neurotic, terrified Wells.<br />
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He's so confident that at dinner he tells her they're "pretty different" people. She readily agrees. Whoops. That didn't go so well. Then he tries a new tack. He tells her he had a revelation: all the "perfect" people he dated in the past turned out to be not so perfect. So now he's not looking for perfect. Basically, I like you JoJo because you're not perfect. Just what every woman wants to hear – especially ones who've gone to the trouble of paying for perfection through surgery.<br />
<br />
He tells her about his past relationship, one that lasted four years "collectively." Not sure what that meant. But they lived together before realizing they were more friends than lovers. Pretty sure that meant his ex felt that way.<br />
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JoJo tells him she's looking for her "unicorn." Wells, understandably, looks skeptical. Unicorns aren't real. She says she thinks relationships never have to fade away. Wells looks at her like she's a unicorn.<br />
<br />
Ultimately, Wells doesn't get the rose. JoJo feigns sorrow. She cries minus the tears. It's the polite thing to do. When the driver comes to take Wells' bag away, the guys are all in shock. "No!" says one. "You gotta be kidding me!" says another. It's a complete 180 of moments ago when they were predicting Wells would be sent home.<br />
<br />
A group date consisting of Jordan, Luke, Not James Taylor, Robby, and Wee Alex explore the city. Walking in a line really drives home just how vertically challenged Wee Alex is. Nothing wrong with that, understand. Just sayin'.<br />
<br />
But it's Not James Taylor who feels like an imposter with these "cool dudes." He says he's not the sexy guy. Say what you will about him, but he's firmly planted in reality. But enough with the self-deprecation. He went a little overboard, never missing a chance to set our expectations low with him.<br />
<br />
While out for a stroll, the gang comes across a pickup soccer game. Game on. It's the gringos vs the caballeros. Not sure how it went but at the end the locals come up with the idea that the tourists should do a kick-off/shoot-out (not sure the right lingo) against their best goalie with the winner getting a kiss. And here you know the producers played a huge part in the outcome. With all of Not James Taylor's woe-is-me attitude, they had to give it to him. Everyone else lined up for a kick and whacked it at the goalie but he made every save. Until it was Not James Taylor's turn NJT gave a weak little shot and the goalie didn't even try to stop it. Gooooaaaaallll!!!! and Kiiiiiissssss!!!!<br />
<br />
But it was nothing like the kiss she gave later to Luke. She said she's running out of words to describe the level of passion between them. The spark, she says, is "crazy." Why can't someone interrupt them? It happens all the time but never in such moments of crazy passion.<br />
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Not James Taylor gets a moment with JoJo and decides to expose Jordan for what he is: a male. Turns out they were playing poker and had a disagreement about the rules and Jordan didn't bend over. The nerve! The word "entitled" gets bandied about. Then NJT asks JoJo if he can kiss her and proceeds to devour her face as she leaned back defensively.<br />
<br />
Then JoJo asked to speak to Jordan. Why does she do this? If someone comes to you in confidence to rat out another player, don't compound the issue by essentially ratting out the rat. Wait a bit, then slyly allude to a problem. Although I'm sure the producers put a bug in her ear to suggest she stir the pot.<br />
<br />
Anyway, Jordan tells her that James is one of his best friends in the house (even though they're actually in a hotel). He tells JoJo he's the farthest thing from entitled, although he admits he doesn't quite know what the word means. He doesn't think he's better than anybody, he says. Integrity is huge for him. Then he goes back and calls James "pathetic" so I'm guessing he now thinks he's better than at least one other person.<br />
<br />
Not James Taylor thinks Jordan is just in this for fame. Says the guy who whips out his guitar at every opportunity.<br />
<br />
The group date rose goes to neither of them. Instead she gives it to a guy who continues to make her feel good and special and excited about the future: Bouffant Luke. Then she looks around at the other guys with a "and-what-are-you-gonna-do-about-it?" look.<br />
<br />
Next up is the dreaded 2-on-1 date. Well, Chase is dreading it. Derek is pretty chill. And confident. Way too confident for a bank teller, that's for sure. And because we keep hearing him tell us how he's going to get the rose, we know this means the exact opposite.<br />
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The three of them go off to tango. And as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. See, this is why they had to do a second 2-on-1 date. The writers insisted. That line was just too good to pass up. Throughout the practice, Derek's voice-over tells us what a lock he is to get the rose while Chase seems to agree with him. He's pulling a Not James Taylor with the underdog crap.<br />
<br />
When she gets alone with Derek, he tells her he's falling for her. "I appreciate that," she tells him curtly. They kiss but a bit reservedly. Then he calls her back for more and this time their tongues get to know each other.<br />
<br />
With Chase, she tells him she has strong feelings for him but isn't getting anything back from him. He's shocked to learn this. He tells her he wants his future to be with her as soft music chimes in. They kiss, but this time she goes to him. She wipes the taste of Derek off in Chase's mouth.<br />
<br />
Then it's rose time. The only one surprised is Derek. Doesn't even seem like a close decision. She walks Derek out to the waiting car. It's back to the bank for him. "I didn't think this was going to happen," he said. Duh. "I'm Derek. And Derek is imperfect." Derek then tells Derek not to cry while crying.<br />
<br />
Chase and JoJo walk into a room with a string quartet and keyboard. From a balcony overhead, a singer sings the only Argentinian song anyone's ever heard (written by Brit Andrew Lloyd Webber), <i>Don't Cry For Me Argentina</i>. And as luck would have it, Derek cried a lot in the vehicle which the editors interspersed with the happy couple and singer. That's cold.<br />
<br />
At the cocktail party, Jordan tells her he wants to be in love and engaged at the end of this and he thinks they can get there. He says he wants to "do life" with her. She's smitten. He's definitely getting a rose.<br />
<br />
The too-well-groomed Robby isn't wearing socks. That should be enough to send him home.<br />
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Wee Alex attacks JoJo's face. Bouffant Luke continues to look creepy. Not James Taylor says the other guys make more money, are better looking, and smarter. He feels like chopped meat. But who doesn't love chopped meat?<br />
<br />
It's rose time. We were teased that JoJo might be sending two men home because we saw her saying she couldn't give the last rose out. Of course that means nothing of the sort. Anyway, pre-rosed were Chase and Luke. The other roses went in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Sockless Robby</li>
<li>Chickenlegs Jordan</li>
</ol>
That left Wee Alex and Not James Taylor to sweat it out as she consulted with Chris Harrison. She tells him she feels sick to her stomach. I hope she's not pregnant! She gave CH the rose then went back to tell the guys she couldn't give it out. But wait! Here comes Chris Harrison! Off the canvas! He has two roses on a tray to save the day! Psyche!<br />
<br />
3. Wee Alex<br />
4. Not James Taylor<br />
<br />
I guess because she unexpectedly sent home Wells there was room at the hotel for one more. The underdog Not James Taylor gets a supportive shoulder rub from the guy who called him "pathetic."<br />
<br />
Wee Alex, who was the jerk last week, got back to his jerky ways just in time at the end. He said he considered his and NJT's roses as "pity roses." He needn't be too concerned. I'm sure it's the last one he'll get.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-67280890285297896682016-06-21T16:46:00.001-07:002016-06-21T16:46:22.583-07:00Bachelorette JoJo: All Chads are cadsThat was a welcome week off, I've got to say. However, early on in the show I forgot all their names. I'd jot down things like "Vancouver guy" or "Chicken Legs." Don't worry, I'm all up to speed now.<br />
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This was the resolution to the big cliffhanger with Chad hiking through the woods at dusk whistling ominously before knocking on the cabin door and freaking out all the guys. They were in there celebrating like it was 1999 when they found out Bad Chad would no longer be with them. They were wearing party hats and eating cupcakes after ceremoniously scattering his protein powder to the wind.<br />
<br />
Douchey Daniel answered the knock at the door and asked Bad Chad how his date went. "Went really good," he replied. Chad puts the "lied" back into "replied."<br />
<br />
All the other guys meet him at the door. Bad Chad gets into it with Chicken Legs Jordan. When it's brought to his attention that he always chooses a threatening or violent route, Chad says he has no option: "The only thing I can think of is to get physical." I believe him. That is, I believe it's the only thing he can think of.<br />
<br />
After the heavy convo and the guys go back to their party hats, sniveling Erectile Evan pipes up, reminding Chad that he owes him a new shirt. He better pray it's not delivered right to his home.<br />
<br />
And that's that. Not a whole lotta drama. The guys practically throw Wee Alex into the air and sing <i>For He's a Jolly Good Fellow</i>. They call him America's hero. JoJo seems to like him, too. As they finish off their date, she bends down to kiss him as they both stand.<br />
<br />
There's still a cocktail party. Robby and Chase both think their relationship with JoJo is ahead of the other guys. I don't see it. Although it may look that way to the others as they witness Robby and JoJo kissing by the fountain. It would mean more, though, if she didn't kiss everyone.<br />
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Some anonymous dude (I think it was James F.) wrote her a dreaded poem. Why do guys do this? Are that many people writing doggerel? How is there always someone in every group who has a stanza at the ready? But I gotta admit, out of all the horrible, horrible poetry we've heard on this show over the years, this one might be the best ever. Damning with faint praise, perhaps, but it wasn't completely cringe-worthy.<br />
<br />
The bouffant guy (turns out to be Luke) told JoJo he's falling for her. He's already got a rose. Looking at them, I think there's no way they'd get together in real life. But then they kisss and it's real.<br />
<br />
<br />
Pencil-necked Deejay Wells couldn't find a shirt with a small enough collar. Looked like he was wearing Bad Chad's hand-me-downs. That collar was floating around him.<br />
<br />
The other pencil-necked guy, Erectile Evan, thought that the three pre-rosed guys – Bouffant Luke, Chicken Legs Jordan, and Wee Alex – were turning into mini-Chads. As the episode progressed, I agree that one of them was.<br />
<br />
The roses went in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Bank teller Derek</li>
<li>Metrosexual Swimmer Robby</li>
<li>Chase</li>
<li>Deejay Wells</li>
<li>Fireman Grant</li>
<li>Vinny the Barber</li>
<li>Not James Taylor</li>
<li>Erectile Evan (producer's pick)</li>
</ol>
That means we say goodbye to Douchey Daniel, who released his full Canadian with a, "Guys, take care, eh?" And his full douche with, "If this was based solely on looks, I'd still be there." He says Evan and Wells aren't in his league. Well, he's got a point there, I guess.<br />
<br />
We also say goodbye to the poet, James F., who spoke well. I think if he had lasted another week he might have moved ahead of some of the others.<br />
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The gang flies off to Uruguay. Not James Taylor, whose mother is a geography teacher, thinks it's by Paraguay. Well, they sound like they might be beside each other. Turns out they don't border on each other, but they're kinda close. I'm sure his mom will give him a pass on that one.<br />
<br />
They arrive at their new digs on a beach and Erectile Evan says they have a "360 degree view of the ocean." Hmm... I don't think Uruguay is a tiny island. Not sure how that works.<br />
<br />
Jordan gets the first 1-on-1 date. He's the frontrunner, everyone seems to think, and I don't disagree or disapprove. But some think he's there for... wait for it... not the right reasons! I think they're jealous and insecure because he was in the NFL.<br />
<br />
He tells JoJo he's falling in love with her. She says she "really likes" him. Ouch. Then she says she met an ex-girlfriend of his who says he wasn't the best boyfriend. How did this happen? When and how would she have met this woman? It had to have been before the season started, right? So how would she know who Jordan was?<br />
<br />
But after the initial hard gulp, Jordan handled it well. He said he was focused on sports at the time and wasn't the best person but there was no cheating involved. He says he was immature and enjoyed talking to girls. JoJo is relieved. They kiss and he gets the rose. She thinks it could be "the start of the most perfect love story."<br />
<br />
Back at the hotel, the guys are getting haircuts and they pick up a gossip magazine. Who knew Uruguay carried American gossip magazines? There's a story in there about dear JoJo that implies she might be in love with another man. The guys are horrified because, as they all know, gossip magazines are 100 percent truthful.<br />
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Her ex-boyfriend, another cad named Chad, penned the article. This show is bad press for Chads everywhere. A producer shows JoJo the article. She cries. She goes to the guys and tells them she's not faking this thing. Actually, what she said is she doesn't want them thinking that she's faking. That may be her semantic out.<br />
<br />
JoJo took a group out sand-surfing. Didn't last long. Rain sent them scampering. Isn't it ironic? (No, no it isn't.) Under shelter she tells the group date that she really hopes her husband is "one of you guys." I guess that leaves out Robby and Jordan. Oh well. They were back at the hotel getting the full spa treatment, complete with facial, cucumber over the eyes, and pedicure.<br />
<br />
Now Wee Alex, the second strongest guy in the original group after Bad Chad, starts showing his own roid rage. He keeps calling the sweet bank teller Derek variations on a "bitch." And it doesn't help when JoJo gives the group date rose to Derek, saying she wanted to give him "reassurance." Alex calls him "an insecure little bitch" and characterizes it as a "pity rose."<br />
<br />
The last 1-on-1 went to Robby, who JoJo says is a good balance of "playful, flirty and sensitive." Maybe, but that doesn't mean she's attracted to him. At least I hope so. But it's the first time we've heard that the "former competitive swimmer" was actually an Olympian. No wonder she likes him.<br />
<br />
They stand on a cliff overlooking the water and decide to jump. They strip down and just happen to be wearing swim suits under their clothes. Robby's is definitely not an Olympic swim trunks. JoJo is nervous but she trusts Robby. He makes her feel alive, she says. He has an "emotional intelligence," whatever that means.<br />
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At dinner, he speaks of his best friend who died a year ago in a car accident. He was texting and drove off a bridge. The lesson? Yes, don't text and drive, sure, but also life is short. So within six months, Robby quit his job, got out of a 3.5-year relationship, and moved. And then he drops this bombshell: "I've fallen in love with you, JoJo. I have. I love you. I do." Good Lord!<br />
<br />
They kiss. She appreciates his vulnerability. He gets a rose. On the beach, they kiss some more and there are literal and figurative fireworks.<br />
<br />
There will be no cocktail party but just before the rose ceremony, Derek decides to confront the negativity he's feeling towards him by calling aside Wee Alex, Jordan and Chase. The trio were pretty upset that he'd bother them with this. Because... not sure. Jordan said it's petty and a non-issue. Maybe, but if that's the case, who cares? No reason to get upset. Wee Alex called Derek a "sensitive little bitch" this time.<br />
<br />
Only five roses to be handed out on this night. With Robby, Derek and Jordan already pre-rosed, the remaining five go to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Luke's Bouffant</li>
<li>Chase</li>
<li>Wee Alex</li>
<li>Not James Taylor</li>
<li>Deejay Wells</li>
</ol>
Three more go home. That'd be Erectile Evan, Fireman Grant, and Vinny the Barber. Evan says the news was like daggers through his heart. He's really, really said. "I tried," he says. Daddy's going home.<br />
<br />
Grant was hurt but confused. Vinny cried. It was the most screen time he's had all season.<br />
<br />
Next week the lads and JoJo are off to neighbouring Argentina. The producers decide to give us a spoiler. When it comes down to the final rose next week, she doesn't want to give it out. And in the final episode, we see her saying goodbye at the altar to a man she loves. And it's not Wee Alex because she was looking up to him.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-17080617683991063452016-06-11T01:25:00.002-07:002016-06-11T11:27:56.416-07:00Bachelorette JoJo: Testost-o-fest!Hello Bachelor Blog fans and shut-ins everywhere! Sorry for the
extremely late recap. Whatchagonna do? Sometimes reality gets in the way
of reality TV.<br />
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That
was an exhausting two days... and crammed into one for me. I was unable
to watch the regular Monday night shenanigans last night until after
dinner on Tuesday. I sped through it then immediately jumped into the
Tuesday night escapades. That's entirely too much <i>Bachelorette</i> for one evening. And then I was out and about until now. Thank God next week is a bye.<br />
<br />
It
was also entirely too much Bad Chad for a lifetime. I think I'm looking
forward to the Men Tell All episode just so we can hopefully get some
closure on him and hear that it was all just a really bad edit he got.
Or he gives us a <i>mea culpa</i>. If what we saw is in any way
indicative of the truth of his character, I'm afraid for Jordan and
Alex... and Derek... and Grant...<br />
<br />
I guess it's only a
matter of time before something sinister happens on this show. The
producers seem to go further trying to create drama by selecting
questionable people just because they make for good TV so that it might
eventually backfire. And it'll be on them if it does. Yes, there's
personal responsibility, but there's also enabling and goading, which
I'm sure they do.<br />
<br />
Every season, the obvious villain
gets at least some love from a faction of the viewers out there. Does
Chad have his supporters? If so, what are they saying? I mean, apart
from, "He's totally ripped!"<br />
<br />
Chase got the first
one-on-one date on Monday. He and JoJo partook of a hot yoga session
that included pelvic thrusts ("hey, hey") and angergasms. It was also
revealed that Chase has a very large birthmark on one whole side of his
torso. JoJo seemed to dig it, though.<br />
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They
sat nose to nose, their hearts in alignment, their third eyes in
alignment, and their crotches in alignment, sweating on each other. The
staredown couldn't last, though. Chase dove in for a kiss and they got
it on. JoJo loves the funny, playful, goofy side of Chase. Once again,
the editors decided not to show us any of that side. She says she can
see a future with him, therefore he was gifted a rose.<br />
<br />
She
had one more surprise for him. Not sure what the first one was, but it
had to be better than the second. It was yet another in a long line of
anonymous, generic singers giving them a private concert.<br />
<br />
Back
at the house, Bad Chad and Daniel were counting calories, grazing, and
lifting 50 lb. barbells on each arm. Beside them, Erectile Evan was
doing shallow knee bends.<br />
<br />
Next up was the group date
and the start of an endless series of arguments and threats. It started
with Bad Chad (of course) being selected for the not-so-coveted group
date. He said he didn't even want to go. His reason was that he'd rather
have a one-on-one than a twelve-on-one. Everyone chimes in. Derek
suggests he cross his name off the list since there are no rules. After
all the chatter, Erectile Evan says four words: "Is there a Sharpie?"
Chad says, "Evan, stop talking."<br />
<br />
Instead of the usual
talking smack to the cameras away from the villain, these guys get off
zingers right to the guy. When some of the guys say they're going to
have to work together on the date whether they like each other or not,
Chicken Legs Jordan said that if you end up on Chad's team, you should
hope it's a bench press competition and not a spelling contest. Oh yes
he did!<br />
<br />
Cheap shot, for sure, but pretty good
considering Bad Chad was sitting right there. Chad countered with,
"Wait, what? You trying to insinuate that I'm stupid, Jordan? You're a
27-year-old failed football player. You've done nothing with your life
other than throw a piece of leather."<br />
<br />
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Then
Wee Alex pipes in and Bad Chad says, "You're going to need more tattoos
to look like a badass." I was wondering where Chad's best bud Daniel
was in all of this, but as the two episodes played out, Daniel tipped
back towards normalcy. Still best buds with Chad, but often provided the
voice of reason to him.<br />
<br />
The group date went to a
theatre to see a live show called Sex Talks, various monologues on the
subject of sex. The dirty dozen had 45 minutes to come up with a story
to share with the audience. Guess who's not that into it?<br />
<br />
Bad
Chad felt that sex is something you keep to yourself. "She hasn't
earned that yet. My life is my business," he tells Daniel. But Daniel
told him to loosen up, in so many words, and have fun with it.<br />
<br />
The
snippets we saw were all pretty good. Fireman Grant told of breaking
his virginity – technically – in a double sleeping bag in a park before
being arrested wearing nothing but a condom. St. Nick ripped off an old
Sam Kinison routine on the subject of cunnilingus. Jordan spoke of
flaccid penises. Daniel's was weird – he cut some date's hair with a
knife. Wells' story ended with him lying on the floor simulating a long
fart.<br />
<br />
And then it was Evan's turn. He decided that the
pen is mightier than the sword. Or, in this case, his mouth was mightier
than Bad Chad's muscles. He talked about the effects of steroids. Not
sure how this related to sex, but maybe the part about the shrinking of
the penis was edited out. Instead he talked about irritability,
withdrawal and complaining that your date is nagging – a clear dig. The
guys loved it. Chad? Not so much. As Evan was going to sit down, Chad
grabbed his shirt at the back of his neck and ripped it. We all saw it.
But as the evening progressed, Chad decided to Trump it up, figuring if
he just repeated a lie, it would soon become the truth. He said Erectile
Evan shoved him and was bullying him. At no point did anyone ever
mention that, you know, he did it on a TV show with cameras all around.
He stuck by his story.<br />
<br />
Chad went last. He came up to
the stage and said he needed a volunteer, then called JoJo up. Chad,
beside being a bad speller, apparently is not familiar with the definition
of "volunteer." Anyway, he said he's not about the past, but the future.
Then he leaned down and headed straight for her lips. To her credit,
she turned her head away at the last second. He throws the mic down and
walks off stage.<br />
<br />
Heading backstage, Bad Chad gave a
knockout punch to a door, bleeding his knuckles. Daniel told him to
chill. Then Chad said, "If I can't lift weights, I'm going to murder
someone." Get this man some barbells stat!<br />
<br />
Jordan
called it roid rage. Maybe he's onto something. I'm so naïve, I actually
thought he got his muscles just through lifting weights. But it makes
sense.<br />
<br />
At the after party, JoJo was sitting with
someone (Nick maybe?) and Chad came to interrupt. For the first time in
franchise history, the interrupter was shut down by the opposite sex.
That's twice in one day for Bad Chad. JoJo told Chad that the guy had
just sat down. So Chad walks off and sits right around the corner on the
pair. They're creeped out so they move to another room.<br />
<br />
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Throughout
the night, Chad would walk right past the alone times JoJo was having
with others. It conveniently never happened when she was playing tonsil
hockey with someone. When Bad Chad finally got his alone time, he told
her he didn't want to be with 12 dudes. JoJo seemed a bit offended. And
then Erectile Evan interrupted them. Nicely played, Evan. Chad walks
off, glances himself in a mirror then does a Full Fonzie, reversing his
tracks back to the mirror to fix his already perfect hair. <i>Heyyy!</i><br />
<br />
With
Evan's alone time, he tells JoJo that she's gotta pick either Chad or
him. He can't stick around if Chad's going to be there. JoJo doesn't
like the ultimatum because she's not ready to choose. On the one hand,
Bad Chad is hot and she hasn't really seen his volatile side; on the
other hand, Evan is... Evan. <br />
<br />
I mean, I feel for
Chadster. Everyone's trying to make him come off like he's a big jerk.
And it's working... Sorry, that's what he said. For a minute there, I
bought his inane accusation. When Evan asked him, "Why are you here?",
Chad answered, "You're trying to bully me. Leave me alone. Just stay
away." Evan is speechless, as he should be. It was so ridiculous, so
Trumpian, there's nothing to say to it.<br />
<br />
Rose time and she
asks to speak to Evan. She starts in saying, "I like you. You're
amazing. You're an unbelievable father. It's hard for me to make a
decision right now," etc. Great misdirection! She totally had me going. I
thought Evan was going to get the boot but he got the rose instead! She
then gives him a quick pity peck. But to Evan, that pity peck was a
full-on make-out sesh. He told the cameras, in his dad voice, "Guess
what? Daddy made out with JoJo!"<br />
<br />
When the two return to
the group and they find out Evan got the rose, Chad looks legitimately
confused. She's talking and Chad's face is making all sorts of fantastic
faces like she's speaking another language. She notices and says, "Are
you good?" He says, "Is this real? Is this a real scenario right now?
I'm just honestly being curious. You're actually right now vibing this
dude?" I believe his was being sincere. Think about it: It's reality TV.
He knows things are staged. Also, out of all the guys there, Evan
couldn't possibly be the first choice for a rose. So I understand his
confusion.<br />
<br />
JoJo didn't appreciate his confusion, though.
She said she didn't like this side of him. It was disrespectful, she
said. Chad told the cameras, "No girl on Planet Earth ever chooses Evan
for anything other than to come and sweep their front yard." I would
have gone with "fix their computer" but same idea.<br />
<br />
Next we
find out that Chad's roommate Derek is scared for his life. A security
guard is dispatched to the mansion to keep a watchful eye over Bad Chad.<br />
<br />
The
one-on-one went to Not James Taylor. It's was a 1940s (or
thereabouts)-themed date. They learned swing dancing from a 92-year-old
that culminated with dancing with a flash mob.<br />
<br />
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Back
at the house, Douchey Daniel started his transition into Somewhat
Normal Daniel. He tried talking sense into Chad, telling him to use
logical reasoning and let cooler heads prevail. Then he showed he's an
astute political mind. He started by saying, "Pretend you're Hitler or
Trump." He thought it makes him look bad by association to be hanging
around with a Hitler or Trump. His advice?: Take it down a notch. Aim
for Mussolini, the founder of fascism, or Bush.<br />
<br />
On the
date, Not James Taylor was playing the self-deprecation card, telling
JoJo he had "a lot of bad things." Maybe he knew she likes bad boys.
Turns out his bad things were just being teased for having big ears and a
long neck when he was a kid. They called him "Luke Long Neck." Um,
makes sense...?<br />
<br />
JoJo tells him he's the whole package
and gives him the rose. He "thanks" her by whipping out his guitar and
auditioning to America that he, too, one day, might make a perfect
anonymous country crooner on some future season.<br />
<br />
But
JoJo was digging it. Even though he was in the dreaded "friend zone"
earlier, she gave him a decidedly non-friendship kiss while sitting on
the back of an old turquoise convertible.<br />
<br />
Chris
Harrison arrived at the mansion to tell the boys there'd be no cocktail
party that night before the rose ceremony. Instead, there'd be an
all-day pool party. As he left, Erectile Evan chased after him to tell
him all about Bad Chad and how he ripped Evan's shirt and punched a
door. This kills me. As if Chris Harrison doesn't know what's happening.
Remember, the cameras?<br />
<br />
Here's how you know the
producers prefer conflict over a good match: Harrison calls Chad aside
right then. Chad had to know who ratted him out. It also kills me that
Chad is insisting that Evan pushed him. Remember, the cameras?<br />
<br />
Anyway,
Harrison instructs Bad Chad to go settle the situation by talking to
the guys in a way that "might be received well." The episode ends with
upcoming highlights of violence and mayhem. There's blood, there are
threats, there's Chad saying he's going to "cut arms and legs off and
throw them in the pool." And we all know how accurate the upcoming
highlights are.<br />
<br />
So the second night the show opens with
Chad's version of an apology. He tells the guys he has no issues.
Squeaky Evan pipes up that Chad owes him a new shirt and an apology.
Chad offers to give him 20 bucks. And he insists again that Evan pushed
him. Too bad there were no witnesses who could corroborate one side or
the other.<br />
<br />
At the pool part, the guys do a Busby
Berkeley-style domino dive. There's no way Chad would be a part of such a
thing. On pause and replay, it cannot be confirmed or denied that he
was part of it. The editors clearly didn't want us to know because Evan
emerged from the water with a bleeding nose. Had to be Chad, right? Chad
claims he was 100 feet away. He probably was. And, in fact, we learn
later that Evan just gets nosebleeds a lot. So big cliffhanger blood
part 1 was phony.<br />
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What's with all the necklaces the guys are wearing? Did they have arts & crafts day at the mansion we never saw?<br />
<br />
Chad
continues eavesdropping on all the alone times during the pool party.
He overhears Derek talking about him so he takes his ex-roommate aside.
Derek tells Chad perception is reality so if everyone thinks he's a
jerk, he's a jerk. Chad tells him to stop talking about him with JoJo.
Derek has a great response that shuts Chad up: "If she asks me a
question, I will tell her you asked me to say that." Nice.<br />
<br />
It's
rose ceremony time. It's clear the producers want Chad around. And we
know the last rose is always the producers' choice. So there's no drama
when Bad Chad is left hanging with one rose to go. The pre-rosed dudes
are Chase's Birthmark, Squeaky Evan and Not James Taylor. The rest go in
order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Fireman Grant</li>
<li>Derek the Teller</li>
<li>Chickenlegs Jordan</li>
<li>War Vet Luke</li>
<li>All-Wet Robby (the former competitive swimmer)</li>
<li>Spindly Wells</li>
<li>James F.</li>
<li>Vinny the Barber</li>
<li>Nearly Normal Daniel</li>
<li>Wee Alex</li>
<li>Bad Chad</li>
</ol>
Gone are Christian, Ali's Eyebrows, and St. Nick. JoJo can expect a lump of coal in her stocking this year.<br />
<br />
The
remaining gang says goodbye to the mansion. They're off for a fresh
start to Pennsylvania and a "manly and rugged" resort that Squeaky Evan
feels comfortable with.<br />
<br />
Luke gets a date. They go on a
dog sled... on wheels, then Luke chops wood for a wood-burning hot tub.
The tub is a little too hot for JoJo so Luke helps her in by grabbing
her ass and easing her into the water. "He's a gentleman," gushed JoJo.<br />
<br />
She
calls him a "beautiful looking GQ model." My TV must have faulty
reception. I think he looks weird but I can't figure out why. He brings
the show to a halt by describing his tour of duty as a platoon leader in
Afghanistan, talking about death. He says he's an emotional guy who
loves hair standing up on his neck. Ew!<br />
<br />
Luke get the
rose. But JoJo has "one more surprise" than the zero surprises she's
given so far. You guessed it! It's another concert by another anonymous,
generic country singer. He may as well have been the same singer as the
last episode for all I know. Looked and sounded the same to me.<br />
<br />
The
group date follows the rules whereby one of the participants is a
professional (or was) in the activity. It's a football date and old
Chickenlegs played briefly as a QB in the NFL. And it's in this game
that we see the promised blood that was hinted would be at the hands of
Bad Chad. But Bad Chad wasn't on the date. Not James Taylor just
happened to gash his head in combat and required some stitches. Had
nothing to do with Bad Chad. Do you feel angry when you see we've been
misled? Or duped? Or do you just take it in stride and laugh at how the
producers tricked us?<br />
<br />
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Oh, and Squeaky Evan got another random un-Chad-related nosebleed.<br />
<br />
Because there were an odd number of players, Chickenlegs got to play
universal quarterback, ensuring he'd get to go out that night with JoJo
no matter which team won. The game was tight and Derek stole the ball and ran in for the winning TD.<br />
<br />
All-Wet
Robby, wearing no socks with his loafers, was the first to say he's
falling in love with JJ. They kissed on the pool table.<br />
<br />
But it was Chickenlegs Jordan who got the rose. He was the MVP. JoJo and Jo.<br />
<br />
Another
amusing exchange was going down when Bad Chad called Wee Alex a "whiny
little bitch." Grant called Chad a "coward." Then Chad invited everyone
to join him outside. There were no takers. He then threatened Jordan
that crossed a line, in my opinion, even for this show. He said, "You
think I won't go out of my way to come to your house?" Jordan smirked
and said, "Good one, tough guy. Please come find me." I certainly
wouldn't test him. And then Jordan said he thinks Chad has mental
instability.<br />
<br />
Squeaky Evan was still sticking around despite what he told JoJo about it's him or Chad, not both. Liar. <br />
<br />
A
two-on-one between Bad Chad and Wee Alex was next. Since Chad seems so
sensible, they decided to go out to a deserted forest. Good move,
producers. Nothing can go wrong here. The two men take a chopper out to
the middle of nowhere.<br />
<br />
The three of them sit awkwardly
by a river. Alex gets the first alone-time. Chad's not worried. Nobody
buys the first house they see, after all. Then he adds pithily that if
Alex talks about him, he'll "take his teeth home." Oh, that Chad! Such a
comedian!<br />
<br />
Alex tells all and it's eye-opening for
JoJo. And then JoJo pulls a Chris Harrison and rats out Alex: "I just
talked to Alex and he told me some things," she begins. Why would she
throw Alex under the bus like that? JoJo talks sternly to Bad Chad and I
loved his utter confusion again at how he handles things. He says to
her, "If you have a better way of handling it...." He honestly thinks
his only options are to 1. threaten violence, and 2. commit violence.<br />
<br />
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He
leaves her and walks back to Alex, a sitting duck. Chad whistles
ominously and faux-cheerfully as he hikes. He sits down beside Alex
calmly. Lies down. Takes a sip from a cup. Then says, "I'm not very
happy with you. I'm not mad; I'm just disappointed" followed by a series
of veiled threats because what else is he going to do?<br />
<br />
JoJo
returns. She asks if he's threatened anyone? "That's not 100 percent
false," he answers. She grabs the rose and gives it to Wee Alex. Then
she gets up and takes Alex by the hand without any further ado. Chad
wonders, "Am I getting pranked right now?"<br />
<br />
He says, "He
told her I threatened people. Now I've gotta go find Alex." He walks
through the forest in the dark, whistling. The episode ends with him
knocking on the house door and sliding his sweaty hands down the door
window like a psychopath.<br />
<br />
Of course in two weeks' time,
we'll return to see it was nothing and we'll go, "Oh you producers, you
got us good! Again!" Suckers, we are.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-63531744402347762682016-05-31T12:29:00.003-07:002016-05-31T12:29:46.428-07:00Bachelorette JoJo: The Meat Head and the B Team<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Welcome to Week 2, or, as I like to call it, Who's That Again? It's damn near impossible to identify these guys save for the few outliers who stood out in the premiere episode due to some physical or emotional abnormality. There are too many faces and I can't place them with all the gimmicks and introductions from last week. I remember Bad Chad because the editors and producers want us to remember him. It's easy to remember the villain. And I remember guys that stand zero chance of getting very far. Guys like the Hipster or the Erectile Dysfunction Man or the Bachelor Superfan or Ali's Eyebrows. Other than that, it's a crapshoot.<br />
<br />
From the comments here last week, Chicken Legs was mentioned. Right, yes, now I remember. He's the ex-QB. Also mentioned were Derek and Luke. No clue as to who they are (or were). But having watched Week 2, I know them a bit more. I couldn't place them if they walked into my living room right now, but the names ring a bell.<br />
<br />
Did I mention this is the worst group in franchise history? From top to bottom. Who is there to cheer for? Anyone half-decent looks like Prince Charming in comparison to all the bad choices. Are Luke and Derek all that good or just good relative to the rest? Let's find out.<br />
<br />
The episode started out on fire. Literally. The guys heard an explosion outside so they sauntered out the front door to see a limousine blowing up and on fire. They masked their horror by smiling as they stood there. Luckily a fire truck was right around the corner. Out jumped JoJo to save the day. What a coincidence!<br />
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She then took a group date out on the fire truck. Not sure that followed standard operating procedures but whatever. Bad Chad, who wasn't in the group date, called these guys the "B Team." Oh yeah, he's still bad, that Chad. The group went off to that popular dating destination, the fire academy.<br />
<br />
There are 10 guys on this date. My problem with it is that one of them is a professional firefighter. I mean, when he's not working as a professional model. How can you have a fair contest involving fireman stuff when only one of the contestants has any real training in it? Grant does this for a living. I hate to give it away, but spoiler alert: Grant also wins the firefighting challenge. During said challenge, Wells, the spindly deejay, was visibly pale and needed to be attended to. Someone said the safety clothes they had to wear probably weighed more than Wells. The rules were that the top 3 guys would go against each other. But the fire marshall decided to let little Wells in the top 3, which was just the tip of the sympathy iceberg he'd get.<br />
<br />
Of course he finished 3rd. There was no way he was going to put out a fire, axe through a floor and wall, and climb to the top of the tower to rescue JoJo before the other two. (Luke, the war vet, was second.) But in his defense, he did exhibit a good sense of self-deprecating humour, so he went up in my estimation. It also helped that he wasn't followed around by a choir again.<br />
<br />
But I say if you're going to do a fireman challenge (and it's a perfectly good activity), make sure the actual fireman is not in the group. They should do a deejay mix challenge next and let's see how Grant does. My money would be on Wells.<br />
<br />
The line of the event went to the second-most douchey guy in the house: Daniel, the male model from Vancouver, who said the last time he pulled a hose like that was back in his apartment. You see, because he masturbates a lot.<br />
<br />
At the post-activity soiree, JoJo tells Grant (the fireman!) that he "completely surprised" her. What am I missing? The fireman wins the fireman challenge. Does JoJo understand the meaning of "surprised"?<br />
<br />
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But she understands the meaning of kiss. She kissed a lot this week. And with passion (i.e. tongue). She and Grant started things off this week. Then she got very familiar with Luke out on the balcony. It's like she was an armless blind person reading an urgent message written in Braille on Luke's tongue with her own tongue.<br />
<br />
Wells goes another route. He shows her Polaroids of his blood hound. Presumably he means his dog and not a euphemism for his penis. Can't remember if they swap saliva or not. But it was enough for him to get the group date rose, aka sympathy rose. Weaklings of the world unite!<br />
<br />
While the 10 dudes were out fighting fires, Bad Chad was back at the mansion filling up his suitcase with empty containers. He then affixed said suitcase to a chain around his waist and did pull-ups off the side of the house. That's so honest! (We kept hearing about how honest he is and now that's all I can think about.) The other fellas, under the leadership of Not James Taylor, composed and sang a song about their beloved JoJo. Bad Chad would have none of it, though. He doesn't play well with others.<br />
<br />
The next date was a one-on-one. Derek was the lucky recipient. Which one was he? Oh right, the bank teller. Seems like a decent enough chap (in comparison) but kind of a nothing. Almost meek. Or scared. Again, maybe that's an unfair comparison, too, because just about anyone seems meek and scared next to Bad Chad. Except for Little Alex. But he's got short man's complex and that compensates for a lot.<br />
<br />
Derek and JoJo had many decisions to make on their date. The first was sea or sky. They chose sky. That led them to an airport. Did they want to go north or south? They chose north. A private jet whisked them off to the northern climes of San Francisco. Hope they brought their parka! Then they had to choose between the Golden Gate Bridge or Lombard St. I've never heard of Lombard St. Is it famous? I'll never know because they chose the bridge which led them to... sitting by the sea. I feel like this event was like that origami finger choosing game that Will did last week where no matter what she chose, the result was kiss. They were going to the sea come hell or high water.<br />
<br />
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And they kissed. Not quite like Luke's kiss, but not like Will's awkward peck, either. He gets a rose, too. Can't see him in the top 2 at the end and what's worse for him is I can't see him on <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i>. He's in no-man's land.<br />
<br />
Back at the house, Bad Chad and Douchey Daniel are digging each other. It's a bromance in full bloom.<br />
<br />
The next date is a 6-man group effort. They go to the studios of ESPN and onto a show called Sports Nation, which they amend to Bachelor Nation for a little friendly competition. Well, it's friendly for everyone except... you guessed it... Bad Chad, who just does not like to play along. Each stage of the competition was dumber than the next. It started with a end-zone celebration with a rose, moved on to something I can't even describe, and finally on to an interview. I know Chad called JoJo "naggy" in the second stage. In the interview portion, he called everyone out on their declarations of undying love for someone they barely know, if at all. The hosts and JoJo dug his "honesty" (i.e. intense grumpiness and unwillingness to have fun with a goofy challenge).<br />
<br />
When the hosts gave out their top three Power Rankings, Bad Chad was right in the middle. Coming in third was Little Alex, who the hosts thought was very likeable, not rehearsed, and handsome. The top ranked was Not James Taylor, the country crooner. No idea why.<br />
<br />
At the post-challenge party, Not James Taylor talks to her off a printed card. So natural. It was like he was reading her his personal manifesto. They kiss but it's nothing special. He should have written out better kissing instructions on his card.<br />
<br />
I wasn't crazy about JoJo's lipstick choice. Too red. And lots of it. Maybe she didn't want to get it all over Not James Taylor's face.<br />
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When Bad Chad gets time alone with JoJo, he tells her about the puppy his mom gave him before she died six months ago. Usually this is where the person gets teary and talks lovingly about his deceased parent and about how hard it is without them. But Bad Chad being Bad Chad gave the equivalent of, "Hey, it is what it is. Life goes on." I'm not necessarily against that, but the optics aren't good. Still, though, JoJo saw it as his sensitive side. Lesson: Be such a boor all the time that slightly less boorish behaviour comes across as sensitive. She takes him to a wishing well where they make a wish then kiss. And kiss hard. She says her wish came true. Gross.<br />
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But when it comes to handing out a rose, it goes to Not James Taylor because he made JoJo feel "special." Their conversation, she says, touched her heart. Must have been edited out.<br />
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At the cocktail party, Bad Chad is aloof, sitting outside on his own maybe with the intention of waiting for JoJo to arrive, maybe not. But she does and they enter the house together. That's a power play move, my friends. He spends the rest of the evening consuming meat. Bad Chad or Meat Head? These are the decisions I have to make. It's not easy being the Bachelor Blogger.<br />
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In between chomping on meat, he interrupts two (count 'em!) guys when they're with JoJo. Another power play move. And he threatens Little Alex. But Little Alex looks like he can handle himself. He's an ex-marine. Plus he has a low centre of gravity.<br />
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With roses already given to DJ Wells, Derek the Teller, and Not James Taylor, there are 14 more to hand out. They go in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Little Alex</li>
<li>Christian (Bad Chad's commentary could have been my own: "I don't even know who Christian is.")</li>
<li>Robby. No clue. He was wearing a bow tie, though. (Ah, just checked last week's blog. He's the former competitive swimmer.)</li>
<li>War Vet Luke</li>
<li>Chase. That's all I got.</li>
<li>Chicken Legs Jordan</li>
<li>Fireman Grant</li>
<li>Ali and his Eyebrows</li>
<li>Douchey Daniel</li>
<li>James F, the boxing club owner, former chiropractor, wannabe actor</li>
<li>Nick... Nick? Oh my God, Saint Nick! Completely forgot about him without the costume.</li>
<li>Vinny the Barber</li>
<li>Erectile Evan</li>
<li>And even though it's the last pick, there was absolutely no drama here because the producers always make sure to keep the villains around: Bad Chad</li>
</ol>
So long Hipster, Bachelor Superfan, and Will; we hardly knew ya!<br />
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Next week: Ugh. Two nights of this nonsense. Looks like another testosterone fest!Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-60852913950659069192016-05-24T12:29:00.003-07:002016-05-24T12:29:43.758-07:00Bachelorette JoJo: Groundhog Day all over again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Hey folks. Welcome back. Not sure I wanted to be here again but after watching the first episode... nothing's changed! Not a fan of JoJo and this group of suitors looks like the worst on record. More gimmicky guys than ever before. A guy dressed as Santa Claus – throughout the whole episode yet! – in late May! A guy in a kilt not wearing any "panties"! A guy with an a cappella quartet that follows him wherever he goes – throughout the whole episode yet! A guy on a horse dressed as a unicorn (the horse, not the guy. And it's not a real unicorn, he assured Jojo)! A guy who does the splits! A guy on a motorbike! Ugh!<br />
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And there are more unemployed guys, too. Usually there's one "creative" description in place of an occupation in the group. This season? We've got a "Hipster," a "Canadian," "Bachelor Superfan," "Former professional football player," "Former competitive swimmer," "War veteran," and, of course, "Father Christmas." There might be more but I wasn't paying as close attention as past seasons because see above.<br />
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Let's talk about some of these dudes. Unlikable almost to a man. No obvious frontrunner that I can see. I got a bad feeling about Bad Chad from the moment he stepped out of the limo and fingerlocked JoJo's ten digits. And then he started trash-talking everyone. Not in a fun way, either. He looks and sounds vaguely evil. The upcoming highlights paint that picture, too. Who knows what will really happen? We've been burned by misleading highlights once too often. But he will be Bad Chad all season as far as I'm concerned.<br />
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What's with the Bachelor Superfan? How is this not stalking? Is he there to find love or to be around the famous JoJo and even famouser Chris Harrison?<br />
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The weasly looking man is a former pastor who now works helping other men with their erectile dysfunction. Somehow he was selected to continue next week. Then again, so was jolly old Saint Nick. I'm sure it's a case of her liking maybe 3 guys but she has to play the game and select 20.<br />
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The professional Canadian, Daniel from Vancouver, it turns out is a male model, according to the official website. Why don't they say that instead of "Canadian"? The guy got drunk, took off his clothes, jumped in the pool, and poked people in their belly buttons. He was selected, too.<br />
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The former professional quarterback is the brother of a current professional quarterback. Jordan used to play in the NFL but I take it he didn't play much. He certainly doesn't look like an NFL player. The guy may be able to throw but he's got chicken legs.<br />
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The former competitive swimmer brought a bottle of wine and opened it when he met JoJo, getting her to swig some before he swigged some himself. As he walked off, JoJo said, "My mom will like him." Of course we all remember Jojo's mom swigging hooch from the bottle last season.<br />
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James F. is listed as a "Boxing club owner." That may be true, but in his questionnaire online, it asked what the most outrageous thing he'd ever done was. His answer: "Left the safety of chiropractic to pursue my fitness and acting dreams." So another guy there for totally the right reasons.<br />
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How about Ali's eyebrows?! Those things are serious! The guy gets 5 o'clock shadow by noon, yet his legs are completely hairless. I guess all the hair has been redirected to his face. Or he shaves his legs. But he seems sweet. Plays the piano, too. But please, for the love of God, no more <i>Für Elise</i>. That is the most over-played song in Beethoven's canon. Plus anybody can play it whether they play the piano or not. It fooled the country-music-lovin' JoJo, though. She thought it was beautiful.<br />
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Jonathan, the half-Chinese, half-Scottish, kilt-wearing Vancouverite told JoJo he's not wearing any "panties." That sealed his fate right there. Not because he was going commando, but because he usually wears "panties." Buh-bye. But as bad as that was, we didn't need fellow Vancouverite Daniel talking trash about him. Bad form, buddy. But I think it was Daniel's strategy coming in to get as much screen time as possible by being opinionated and loutish. Worked for him.<br />
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How long do you think the Santa Claus thing is going to go on for? I guess the guy's name is Nick and he probably considers himself a saint, but it was a tad far-fetched, don't you think? And enough with the lame "jo-jo-jo" Santa laugh. I loved it when he sat down with Jojo and took off his red hat. Then off came the beard. JoJo took one look and quickly covered up that ugly mug with the beard again. <br />
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While we got more bogus occupations, like those listed above, we also got a singer-songwriter who got both names listed. James Taylor is his name and bad country singing is his game. Is it because he shares a name with an actual musical talent and the producers thought it would be cute to have a guy named James Taylor? Are they banking on viewers not knowing what the real James Taylor looks like and are hoping they'll believe the real McCoy is slumming it on <i>The Bachelorette</i>? Or is it because there was already a James F and a James S? But last I checked, Taylor doesn't begin with an F or S. Why not James T?<br />
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Oh, and the "landscape architect" (fancy term for gardener) told JoJo he was an "architect." He should have just said he was a "liar." He didn't stick around, though, so no biggie.<br />
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The professional "hipster" told Jojo he didn't watch last season and knows nothing about her. I think he meant it in a positive way, but he came off sounding rude and... hipsterish. I guess he is a professional, after all.<br />
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Wells is the name of the guy who brought the a cappella group. And that quartet hung around all night, serenading Wells wherever he went. He's a radio deejay so he needs all the help he can get. <br />
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So yeah, the worst cast ever, in my opinion. Bad Chad actually made a good point. He said he expected to come there and be up against the best guys from every state but discovered just a bunch of dudes who couldn't get a date back home. That's probably true. I think he also stumbled on to a spin-off reality show. Let's get the best contestants. Have a competition. Obviously you can't have 50 of them, but if the producers went to 25 different regions and held a contest on who should be selected to go on to meet the Bachelor/ette, that would be a hit, I'm sure. And the person who was to be the Bachelor/ette could watch and get to know who they were going to meet ahead of time. That way you get some decent candidates who are screened by the viewing public, not just selected by the producers because they're going to provide good drama.<br />
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What's worst about the whole episode is that this franchise is just becoming Groundhog Day all over again. It's the same old situations and reactions. The producers are on auto-pilot. Make sure we get a real jerk. Make sure we get some doofuses. Make sure one of them get stupid drunk and makes an ass of him/herself the first night. Make sure somebody returns or comes late to the party and the others get upset. Make sure one or more of them doesn't come by limo but on a motorbike or horse or some other form transportation. Just plug in different faces. They could Jib-Jab they're way through each season using past episodes.<br />
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Will, who did the awkward fake card drop that JoJo didn't even understand, got the first kiss when he forced Jojo into that origami finger counting thing all kids do. I say "force" because I'm sure no matter which number she chose, the instructions would be to kiss. But it was quick and uneventful. Still probably the best kiss of Will's life. The first real kiss, though, went to old Chicken Legs QB, who also, not coincidentally, got the first impression rose.<br />
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At the rose ceremony, Jake Pavelka, showed up. We got all the angst we always get when someone from a past season makes an appearance. But this was 100 percent misdirection. He just showed up to tell Jojo he hopes she finds love. Couldn't he have texted her that? Man, the guy was desperate to hang on to his 15 minutes of fame.<br />
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After Jordan's rose, the roses went in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>Luke, the Texan who gave fellow Texan Jojo some cowboy boots because... I'm not sure. She's already from Texas and probably owns several pairs.</li>
<li>Wells, the desperate radio deejay</li>
<li>James Taylor, the country singer, not the folk-pop singer</li>
<li>Grant, the biracial firefighter/male model</li>
<li>Derek, the commercial banker (read: teller)</li>
<li>Christian</li>
<li>Bad Chad, a "luxury real estate agent"</li>
<li>Chase</li>
<li>Alex, the mini-marine with a twin</li>
<li>Robby, the former competitive swimmer. Not sure what he currently is.</li>
<li>Brandon, the hipster</li>
<li>James F., the boxing club owner/former chiropractor/wannabe actor</li>
<li>Ali and his eyebrows. (Sounds like Ollie)</li>
<li>Saint Nick</li>
<li>Will, he of the awkward kiss</li>
<li>James S., the stalker. All three Jameses advanced.</li>
<li>Vinny, the barber with the bad haircut</li>
<li>Evan, the erectile dysfunction expert</li>
<li>Daniel, the drunken Canadian male model</li>
</ol>
That left five out in the cold. No kilt, no fake architect, no Coley, no Peter, no Nick S., no Sal, whoever they were. Hey, that's six, which adds up to 26. I just confirmed with the official website and that's accurate.<br />
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After the 11th rose was handed out, James F. said, "My name still hasn't been called. It's scary." I always wonder how long these things take to shoot. Are they stopping after every few roses to record snippets with people so they can intersperse them during the playback?<br />
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<a href="http://heyyallsoutherntea.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Picture4.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://heyyallsoutherntea.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/Picture4.png" height="141" width="200" /></a>Jojo's drink-game phrase was either "You look good/great!" or "Y'all." I have nothing against Southerners (I'm one, too, afterall, just from another country), but I dread having to hear "y'all" for the whole season at every turn. If you're basing a drinking game on either of these phrases, make sure you drink straight from the bottle.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-4665285231066673602016-03-14T23:15:00.002-07:002016-03-14T23:15:46.343-07:00Bachelor Ben: Finale finally<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We've come to the end of our road. It's been a long journey but worthwhile. Ben is probably the best Bachelor in history. If you disagree, tell me who was better in the comments section. We had some good nominations for the Mount Rushmore of Bachelorettes. I had forgotten about Desiree and Ali, even if they ultimately chose doofuses. But then so did my beloved Jillian. Still no Bachelors other than Ben on the mountain in my mind.<br />
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So what does big Ben do today? He's told two women he loves them. According to my sources in the checkout line at the grocery store, he treated one of them really badly. It was his own admission. But I didn't read beyond the headline. We know he said he's ready to marry the woman of his dreams, so there's that. I'm sure that will be of great consolation to the also-ran loser.<br />
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Is Ben going to choose Lauren (I hope so) or JoJo and her wacky family? No idea. But Chris Harrison hints at a wedding on After the Final Rose. Both families are there. The Jewelry man is there. And Ben's pastor is there. I'm dubious. The season stopped filming weeks ago. Surely both families know. One devasted daughter didn't come home and act all normal and coy, like maybe she's engaged, maybe she was dumped. Now you're getting the losing family to play along and pretend they don't know? No way. It's all fishy.<br />
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Both Lauren and JoJo are reflecting by the water in Jamaica wearing short cut-off jeans. Lauren really wears them well.<br />
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<br />Lauren meets the parents first. She mentions to the mom that Ben is perfection and moms says, "We'll talk later." Then his mom tells Lauren he can get pretty intense and worked up. He needs someone to talk him off the ledge. That's a bombshell. She's not helping.<br />
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But after meeting his family, she tells him she's so ready to get engaged. She says she'd marry him tomorrow. That's the expression Ben used last week. So maybe it's her. I'm a regular Sherlock Holmes.<br />
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Next up is JoJo, who arrives bringing a plant. Question: Do Ben's parents hide Lauren's flowers?<br />
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I get the impression the parents are digging JoJo more than Lauren. She got emotional with both of them. That's always a sure-fire winner. And in fact, moms says it felt "different" today. In a positive way. Am I on the wrong side of history?<br />
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The parents tell him Lauren was very polished, just planting a seed in his brain. They claim they'd be happy with either one, but she made her point. His dad said, "Love you, son." I thought dads only called their sons "son" in the movies.<br />
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Ben claims he's still undecided.<br />
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Man, Ben's pastor is really cramming hard for this. Every time we see him, he's flipping through pages of the Bible. It's like he's never performed a marriage ceremony before.<br />
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Okay, final two dates. First is with Lauren. She's still wearing her adorable jean cut-offs. The fact he told her he loves her, and continues to, fills her with confidence. Little does she know.<br />
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They're out on some water vessel on a windy day. Oh, it's a catamaran. I couldn't see the twin hulls (yes, I just looked up 'catamaran'). Her confidence is shaken a bit by Ben's "heavy mind." She says he spent the "last date" with JoJo. So they're showing these out of sequence. Obviously JoJo's date was more dramatic.<br />
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Ben's issue with Lauren is that everything's been too perfect. She's so put-together, he's having self-doubts, which are roughly the same as regular doubts. But is this just the editor's trick to downplay the eventual winner?<br />
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At night, she tells Ben she's emotional. He asks why. She says she doesn't know. He says she must know. Little does he know.<br />
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She tells him again she's ready to spend the rest of her life with him and has never been more sure of anything in her whole life. He says, "Lauren, no matter what happens..." and then some other stuff. But maybe those first five words are the most telling.<br />
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She says (in an interview that's been used before tonight's episode) that she's scared he's in love with JoJo, too. She can't picture a life without Ben. This is shaping up to be one of the most dramatic finales in Bachelor history!<br />
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JoJo's turn. Which was first, apparently. She, Ben and her enhanced bust (probably got the family rate at the plastic surgeon's) get in a jeep and drive off through the jungle. They stop off at a "Blue Bowl" and dive in and kiss under a waterfall, just like in Blue Lagoon.<br />
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She asks if he feels good and he says it's a loaded question. Here come the dramatics. She guesses it's because there are two people and he's confused. He tells her he's so clear that he loves her but his mind is in a thousand different places. Now she's concerned.<br />
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At night, he tells her he knows how much he cares about her. He also says what he feels for her is deeper than anything he's ever felt. In your face, Lauren! He's honest to a fault. He tells her there isn't a concern with either relationship. She's looking for a sign and he's not giving it to her. They go into the washroom without the cameras. She whispers that she needs something from him; she's losing her mind. She says, "But you love her too. Is that right?" He says yes. "And you said that to her?" He says yes. "Do you not want me to tell you this?" She says she does but she feels foolish. She thought she was special. She wants it to be just her and him. She's tired of competing. She's hurt, upset and feels naive. Ultimately, she's confused, which makes her almost sick to her stomach. He leaves and they say "I love you" to each other. Then she sits down and cries.<br />
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It's a new day. The jewelry guy is there for his free airtime for his crappy jewelry business. Why does he also have to be in the audience for After the Final Rose in case there's a wedding? He's done his job. Who invites the jeweler to their wedding?<br />
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But the ring brings clarity. At least that's the storyline they're going with. He looked at the ring and now knows who he is going to choose. Which one suits the ring more? I can't tell.<br />
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The two women get dolled up. Once again, Lauren out-does JoJo. I like the long blue dress more than the long pink one. They each get their own chopper ride to Ben. How far away are they?<br />
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Spoiler alert: Ben says he's going to break the heart of the first woman who arrives. Thanks for the heads-up.<br />
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Here comes the first chopper! Get ready for heartbreak! It's JoJo. Poor JoJo. She wasn't my choice, but I feel for her. I also fear for what her brothers will do to Ben.<br />
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As she walks towards him, he doesn't have that can't-stop-smiling face. Bad sign. But as she nears, he warms up, telling her she looks unbelievable. She tells him he instantly intrigued her, and rehashes the moments in their journey. Why do they make them do this? She tells him he's her best friend and someone she's fallen completely in love with. I guess it's good she got a new best friend out of it at least.<br />
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He looks sad and sheepish as he talks. He tells her he didn't think he could find love. "I found it with you, but I found it with somebody else more." He tells her he doesn't want to say goodbye. And even today he doesn't question that he does love her. She's pissed. She tells him she doesn't even know what to say. She's confused. She wants to know where it went wrong. He says it never did. As he tries to speak, she says, "It's okay." She says she wants to go. He asks if he can walk her out. She says, "If you'd like to."<br />
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She cries and says she put her heart out there and trusted him. He says his feelings haven't changed. They embrace by the limo like best friends. Inside, she says he said he'd never blindside her but she feels very blindsided right now. She wants the kind of love she can count on.<br />
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Ben talks about how much he loves JoJo. Is she coming back?! Can he break the hearts of two women today? Let's Womack this thing!<br />
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Meanwhile Lauren is circling above Jamaica. I wonder if she saw the limo take JoJo away.<br />
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Ben takes out his cell phone and calls Lauren's dad on speaker phone. He asks for his daughter's hand in marriage. Good thing dad answered the phone. Which proves my point that the family would know ahead of this episode who won. So the fact both families are there in the audience in preparation for a wedding is a sham.<br />
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There's that smile from Ben as Lauren walks towards her that was missing with JoJo. She gives a speech that ends with, "You're my person. I love you. I love you." Ben looks down and a moment of panic crosses her face. He mentions a journey full of goodbyes. Then he says, "Lauren, I never want to say goodbye to you," and she looks puzzled at first and then it sinks in. That was a pretty good speech by the best Bachelor in Bachelor history. Usually I hate these schmaltzy things.<br />
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Then the gag rose at the end of every proposal. Just once I'd like to see the winner toss the rose away saying, "I don't need no stinkin' rose! I've got you!"<br />
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What jerks the producers are bringing the pastor in to put Ben's promise to the test. You don't trick someone into marrying. That's the woman's job!<br />
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What's this? Chris says the new Bachelorette may be revealed but it may not be who we think it is. Who else could it be other than Caila? Who else is in the running? I'm not sure I can pay full attention to Ben and Lauren now. If it's not Caila, I don't know what I'll do.<br />
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Ben comes out looking pale. And like Peter Brady still.<br />
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No wonder he's pale. He's got to see JoJo first. She comes out all smiles. And as dark as Ben is pale. I wonder if Ben still loves her. I also wonder who he told he loves first, and how long it preceded the second.<br />
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Question for Ben from JoJo: What was the deciding factor? Answer from Ben: He wanted to stay open until the very end. He says he just couldn't picture his life without Lauren. Ouch.<br />
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She says she's moved on and is happy where she's at. Oh no, I hope that doesn't mean she's the next Bachelorette. Harrison is about to announce it. JoJo is still on stage. Boooooo!!!! I don't need to see that season. Booooo!!!! Boy, she was really choked up about getting dumped, wasn't she? Can you say "rebound"? Clearly Caila turned them down.<br />
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Lauren's out now. She looks a little different but I can't put my finger on it. Still well put-together. She's almost as pale as Ben. I wonder if they've spent the past month or so in the bedroom. Maybe. She says she's more in love with him today than she was then.<br />
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Harrison keeps hinting at the big surprise for Ben, which is the pastor. Hasn't he been there all along? I still think it's a jerk move by the producers unless Ben is in on it.<br />
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What's next for the couple? Lauren says she's moving to Denver soon. She's a flight attendant so it's doable. She doesn't want a long engagement, but they also want to date a little bit. The pastor can rest easy.<br />
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Jimmy Kimmel interrupts to ask some questions. Where do babies come from? When they get married, will there be a cake? What exactly happens in the Fantasy Suite? He gets out two naked Ken and Barbie dolls and simulates them having sex. The pastor is wondering what he got himself into.<br />
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The Kimmel bit was pointless and not really funny, but it was a plug for Ben and Lauren coming up on his show. I can't condone that kind of cross promotion.<br />
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So right after they said they want to date for a little bit, Harrison puts the pressure on them. If he says yes, it'll be the quickest ceremony in history. I mean, apart from Vegas. Ben says he owes it to have his friends and family there. Ben gets up and hugs the pastor. Then he grabs Lauren and calls her family out. Okay, this is the schmaltz I hate. He should have left well enough alone. He gets down on one knee again and asks if she'll marry him once again. Blech.<br />
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Ben asks to speak. Harrison says, "This is your show. Go." Ben says the best thing a Bachelor has ever says: "For ten more minutes I'm relevant." So true because as good as he way, a year from now I'll be going, "Who was that guy?"Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-59376990480785098982016-03-07T23:04:00.001-08:002016-03-07T23:04:30.236-08:00Bachelor Ben: The Women Tell AllWomen tell all! Don't they always, am I right, people?! I'm an hour late getting started, so no spoilers please while I'm watching. I just hope Caila is coping. And I hope they announce her as the next Bachelorette already. Give me a reason to live.<br />
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Apparently Ben is going to make a startling revelation that will shock us all. Why don't I believe that? Twice bitten, once shy. Is that the expression? Hey producers, we're going to watch the episode anyway. No need for false promises.<br />
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Oh, and apparently next week will be a dramatic and "unexpected" conclusion. Whatever.<br />
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First though, we are put through Chris Harrison and Ben crashing some Bachelor viewing parties, something that must be more fun in person that it is watching on TV.<br />
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Now we meet the returning losers. And a chicken. I forgot about the "chicken enthusiast." Also forgot about many of the faces. I remember a Canadian being on the show but I don't remember her looking like that. Actually, I'm not sure what she looks like tonight. I'm blinded by the lights.<br />
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We get a rundown, the Coles Notes (Cliff Notes if you're in the US) on everyone. I'm reminded of why Leah got a cool reception from the live audience. She's the one who outright lied to Ben about Lauren. Good to know. <br />
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First pile-on is Olivia, the news woman. But it's interrupted by the chicken. They'll get back to her. They touch on Leah, then Jubilee. It gets racial. So Jubes is going to get a shot up on the couch.<br />
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Two mixed-race contestants, Jami and Amber, say Jubilee bragged about being full-black. Or something like that. I didn't quite get it. Jubes is feeling attacked. She apologizes and adds, "I do say offensive things." She tells Chris Harrison she's a controversial person. We get the Jubilee montage. It ends with her copy of Ben's quote that she feels like she's the most unloveable person in the world. She's getting a lot of airtime. Too much. It's basically so Chris Harrison can give her a stern pep talk, a shot of self-confidence.<br />
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Next up on the hotseat is crazy Lace. I forget why she's crazy, so cue the montage. Oh right, the drinking and the stalking. She claims that wasn't her we saw. Probably good to stress that for any future husband out there. Now she says she's a changed woman. She's dated some people, and tries to stay away from the word 'crazy.' They talk about her tattoo that says you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. She's a real original. Someone in the audience (I think) tells her she's crazy but she's crazy beautiful. He shows her a tattoo he got of her face on his stomach. Speaking of crazy... Like attracts like.<br />
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Harrison asks if she'd go on <i>Bachelor in Paradise</i>. She accepts. Oh joy. Then we can see how changed she truly is.<br />
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And now it's old Stank Breath Ugly Toes, Olivia. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of those charges. The table is blocking the view of her noxious feet. She's pretty emotional, and that's even before the women start on the attack. She says it was brutal watching the season. As she talks, several of the women are snickering at her. Amanda says Olivia said that guys should be running the other way because she's got kids. She wants Olivia to know that "Being a mom is my jam." Peanut butter and jam, am I right?!<br />
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Jennifer tells Olivia that had she gotten to know the others, she would have found out that "we like to read books and talk smart things, too." The twins in particular are steamed at Olivia for being disrespectful. As Olivia talks about being bullied as a child, Chris Harrison looks extremely bored. He's not saying much. She says, "To pick on my body, to make fun of my breath and my toes and my breasts, it sucks." Wait a second, who said anything about her breasts? And what did they say?<br />
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Olivia says she didn't do the show right. Newsflash! This just in! But there's no closure on her feet or breath.<br />
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Okay, quiet everyone! Caila is up! She's looking chipper. So far, anyway. Less so after her montage. She says she still loves Ben in a way. And by "in a way" I think she means "in every conceivable way." She says it hurt a lot that he told the other two he loved them. She still lights up at the mention of his name. <br />
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Now here's Ben to face his exes. Ben addresses Caila, telling her all the usual stuff, about how much she meant to him, blah blah blah. He appreciates her. Hey, you had your chance, Ben. Back off.<br />
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Leah throws her outright lie back in Ben's face, asking why he revealed her outright lie to the girls. Nobody laughs at the sheer gall of this question.<br />
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Jubilee wants to know why she wasn't afforded the same courtesy as Caila and JoJo when they pulled away from Ben a bit and he pulled them in closer. Ben reminds her he did just that.<br />
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Olivia, Amanda, Becca and Lauren B give their pleasantries. Nothing interesting. Now I see why they have to waste so much time with crashing Bachelor parties.<br />
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Ben reveals he's happy and in love and he would marry that woman tomorrow if he could. That's the startling revelation? See what I mean. He basically just used hyperbole to express his love for the woman he asked to marry and Chris Harrison, literalist that he is, tries to hold him to it.<br />
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Blooper time. Or as it's called in our house, bathroom break. Lots of belches and unpredictable insects. Hilarious in the complete opposite meaning of that word.<br />
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Chris Harrison says Ben is on the Mt. Rushmore of Bachelors. I think I'd agree with that. He was a good one. Who would be the other three? One's gotta be Juan Pablo. Beyond that, I'm stumped. If we want to make a Bachelorette Mt. Rushmore, it's gotta be Jillian and Caila (I'm confident) and that's all I got.<br />
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Next week we find out which remaining woman Ben loves more. Who's it going to be? I think it should be Lauren, but what do I know?<br />
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But the most important question still remains: Will Caila be the next Bachelorette? I'm hoping that's answered next week.<br />
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Sorry for the uninspiring entry tonight, but I'm only as good as the show.Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1821254399782640989.post-52816633988941967332016-02-29T23:20:00.000-08:002016-02-29T23:20:00.704-08:00Bachelor Ben: Don't cry for the next Bachelorette – Celebrate!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Welcome to beautiful Jamaica. Ben says to take a deep breath. Now hold. Now exhale slowly. Isn't that how they do it in Jamaica? Ganja, man.<br />
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We're watching Caila highlights. I don't remember her hula dancing. I think I'd remember that. And I don't remember her halfcourt mini-hoop shot. That girl is perfect.<br />
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Then there is Lauren. Ben looks at her with "googly eyes." But there are questions, he says.<br />
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And finally JoJo. He feels very confident around her. Except when her brothers are nearby. Then he's confused.<br />
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Three beauties. He says he's in love with two of them. Which two, I wonder? I gotta believe JoJo is on the outs just because of her family, but it could be Caila. I think Lauren is a lock. And I've never been wrong, except when it counts.<br />
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We see a person walking, the camera panning in from the feet up. At first I thought it was Caila. Turns out it was Ben. He's got some lovely gams. But here comes Caila, looking even more gorgeously cute. She's in a MaryAnn number and they go rafting down the river. Hope it's not a 3-hour cruise.<br />
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Cue the eerie music. There's no talking. Caila is feeling anxious. Doesn't matter now. If she isn't chosen, she's in a great position to be chosen the next Bachelorette, and I'd like to see that even more. A whole season of Caila-centric television? That's must-see TV. It would make me not dread the next season like I usually do.<br />
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Ben describes her as quiet, reserved and melancholy. He thinks she has something on her mind. They stop at a Jerk Centre. Make up your own joke.<br />
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Ben wants a woman who will talk about her emotions. Be careful what you wish for, my man.<br />
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She's digging her own date grave. But maybe this is her plan. She knows she'd be a great Bachelorette. Maybe she's sabotaging her chances on purpose.<br />
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Oh right, it's also Fantasy Suite night. Ben says "there could be" a fantasy suite. Come on. Caila decides not to be reserved tonight. Now is the moment for her to tell him she loves him. And thereby get her chance to prove it in the FS.<br />
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She's back to being bubbly and open. She says "part of me has wanted to tell you something for a long time." Ben looks sick to his stomach. But she says she's in love with him and they kiss. Heavy tongue action. He says nothing. She can tell he feels the same from his... breath? Yeah, that's what she said.<br />
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Who was that adorable contestant on a couple seasons? The one I couldn't stop writing about? She was a baton twirler. Can't think of her name, but Caila is on that level of adorableness. I know one of my regular readers will remind me of her name. I keep thinking Emily but that feels wrong. Hang on, I've got to Google it... Kacie! ... Yes, sweet Kacie! How quick we forget. I see she's married now. She could do much better.<br />
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Anyway, Caila accepts (or rather "takes advantage of" the fantasy suite). I don't want to think about that. She wakes up looking beautiful as always, Ben says. But he looks fresh, too. These two are two perfect together. They sit on the balcony holding hands and Caila says, "I love you." She feels giddy and confident. Hope she doesn't start thinking about the other two overnights.<br />
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Lauren is next. She, too, hasn't told Ben she loves him. She's wearing short shorts, jean cutoffs and a halter... sweater? They take off on a small motorboat. Ben feels she has a genuine joy and authenticity. They're greeted at Gibraltar Beach by a white man on Jamaica. Right on the heels of the Oscars, yet. Good Lord.<br />
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He leads them to a bucket of baby sea turtles that were birthed in the sand. It's Lauren's dream. Lauren mentions that they can live hundreds of years and she says she hopes her relationship with Ben can last that long. I think she was being hyperbolic.<br />
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They sit on the beach and Ben says she's too good for him. She feels the same way, only in reverse. They seal it with a kiss. But she's scared because she needs to tell him she loves him. They hug and kiss in the ocean. I'm glad Ben's horrid side midsection tattoo hasn't gotten much screen time or else I'd probably hate him. Just caught a glimpse of it and I threw up a little.<br />
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At night, Ben and Lauren head to Miss T's for a little live reggae music. But only a bit. Nobody should be subjected to reggae for too long.<br />
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They find a secluded table and sit down to talk. Lauren seems stilted. She says she's freaking out; doesn't know if she can tell him. She's not one to make herself vulnerable. I think she'll come through. Oh look, here's the invitation from Chris Harrison. She accepts, but still stilted. Hopefully their pillow talk is a little more relaxed. It's all or nothing for her, she says.<br />
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With the cameras still there, she screws up the courage to tell him she's completely in love with him. He's the man of her dreams. Why didn't she wait until they were alone? I wonder if the producers pressured her. Then they kiss and giggle and she says, "Ben, I love you." And he says, "I love you, too." There you go. Told you she was a lock. Then we hear him tell her again. Is this unprecedented? I thought they weren't supposed to reveal their feelings.<br />
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I can't see anyone else being the next Bachelorette out of these three except Caila. So it's good he's so in love with Lauren.<br />
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Ben even brings her breakfast in bed. They agree on no holding back going forward. SWAK. She doesn't look as fresh and beautiful in the morning, but Ben tells her YET AGAIN that he loves her, and that last night just cemented it. Man, I think they've also cemented the record for the word "love" in one segment. Enough already.<br />
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Ben says his heart is with Lauren but here comes JoJo. He says if he doesn't know at the end of the date that he loves JoJo, he's going to send her packing.<br />
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It's a chopper date. They land near a spectacular waterfall. They go swimming. Holy cow, that's some bikini on JoJo. He might just find the love he's looking for. At least enough for the Fantasy Suite. Unfortunately, it means more screen time for Ben's despicable mid-torso side tattoo.<br />
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She tells Ben she loves him, but not in a heartfelt way. What the... Ben tells JoJo he loves her, too! You know what that means? It means Caila is the new Bachelorette! Hurray!!! I mean, lucky JoJo. I guess.<br />
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Poor Caila, but it's for the best. The other two substandard ones can fight over that ridiculous tattoo.<br />
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Anyway, this is why the Bachelor doesn't usually reveal his emotions until he gets to the final one. Why bother telling two women you love them when it's only going to cause way more heartbreak with one of them.<br />
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Ben just took a fake sip of wine on a cheers. Is that like crossing your fingers behind your back?<br />
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Ben tells JoJo it doesn't scare him to tell her that he loves her. He should also add that what does scare him is that he also told someone else the same thing. Maybe the rule should be that the Bachelor has to say he loves all three final women.<br />
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They rehash the hometown visit. She says she looks up to her brothers more than anyone. That might make the decision between her and Lauren much easier for Ben. I can't help but think he's told her he loves her just to prove to her brothers that his feelings were sincere.<br />
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Not surprisingly, JoJo says she would love nothing more than to spend the night with Ben. So she does. He has the same morning routine with JoJo as he had with the others. JoJo also doesn't look as fresh and beautiful in the morning as Caila. But Ben says she's so cute. Meh. He must really love her.<br />
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He says his night with JoJo was one of the best nights of his life. Go figure. All his talk is of Lauren and JoJo. He says he just couldn't say he loved Caila. He can't "get there" with Caila. He thinks something is missing. His loss is America's gain.<br />
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Caila unsuspectingly goes to see Ben. All hopeful life. She can tell by the way he looked at her that he feels the same. Poor girl. She arrives all smiles and giddiness, finds him out back and rushes up to him. Ben sits there pretending to be unsuspecting with the camera on him. She leans over him and kisses him.<br />
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She wants to remind him that a relationship with her is going to exciting and fun and full of surprises. Funny you should mention that, Caila. Ben's got a big surprise for you.<br />
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Ben has to be honest with her. It's goodbye time. They sit down on some stairs and Ben starts in. Caila knows something is wrong. He's being coy. Says he's in love with two women but couldn't say it back to her. But she's picking up what he's saying. He says, "I'm going to miss you, Caila." She says, "You don't have to say that." She says she's just going to go, there's no reason to stay, but she accepts Ben's offer to walk her out. They hug at the vehicle and she says, "I really did love you." She gets in, sits for a moment, then hops back out to ask if he knew this week. She's not sure his answer will make him feel better, but she wants to take advantage of her time there to get some answers. He says he wouldn't have gone through this week if he knew. He tells her the others shared the same feelings with him.<br />
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She handles it like a champ. Like a future Bachelorette, in fact. Upset, to be sure, but saves the breakdown for the car. She says she was ready to be his wife, ready for it all. She feels like her purpose in life was to love other people and doesn't know why it hasn't happened yet. Hey kid, you're 24. You've got a full season ahead of you with 25 wonderful guys.<br />
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Ben says Caila's incredible and he hopes he didn't make a mistake. He did.<br />
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Rose ceremony time. A bit anticlimactic. JoJo and Lauren stand there waiting for a Caila that will never arrive. Ben arrives. He gives them the bad – they're not going to be the next Bachelorette.<br />
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The roses go in order to:<br />
<ol>
<li>JoJo</li>
<li>Lauren</li>
</ol>
Here's hoping it was alphabetical. Out of these two, my money's on Lauren. When the three of them toast to love, Ben looks at Lauren, if that's any indication.<br />
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Ben says he's in a deep trouble. Yup. I'd say.<br />
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Next week is the Women Tell All episode. Thank God Caila got out in time so she can be included.<br />
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In two weeks, the finale. We see Ben taking out his phone and speaker calling someone. Did he send JoJo home and then regret it? Did he send Lauren home and then regret it? Or did he finally get some sense and regret sending Caila home? Hmm?! Or maybe he's calling Kacie!Guy MacPhersonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10621018065400828882noreply@blogger.com4