Bachelor Blog

Bachelor Ben: Model behaviour

2012-02-01T02:34:00.000-08:00

Better late than later. I finally got around to watching this week's episode and wasn't it a doozy? Courtney was the focal point, as per her plan going into this thing, Blakely continues her magical transformation from vixen to virgin, Nicki's adenoids were acting up, Elyse pulled out all the stops, and Emily turns over an old leaf.

This week found the gang in Puerto Rico. I've never understood territories, either in Canada or the US. Why isn't the Yukon a province yet it's represented in the House of Commons? Wikipedia tells me that Puerto Rico's head of state is the President of the United States. It's so confusing. When what's-his-face tells everyone if they don't get the rose on a one-on-one date, they're going to get on a plane and go back to the United States, I'm left scratching my head. If it walks like a state and passes laws like a state, it must be a state, right? Its flag is the star and stripes, for crying out loud! Aw, forget about it. We've got bigger fish to fry here.

Nicki got the first one-on-one date. Setting herself up as either a free spirit or colourblind, she wears bright yellow fingernail polish and red toenail polish. But it works. Ben was quite annoying on this date, constantly trying to show off his knowledge and abilities. He speaks full Spanish to the street vendor, throws in the odd word in casual conversation ("It's raining gatos"), and while overhearing some neighbouring wedding music tells Nicki they're playing Pachelbel's Canon. Only I can't be certain he pronounced it right. I replayed it a couple times and it sounded like "Papa Bell's Cannon." I know he's a baseball fan and James Bell had quite the arm.

Ben said he liked Nicki's flexibility. It's a real turn-on, he admitted. Hey, who wouldn't? But it's not what you think. While out walking, the skies opened up and they were drenched. She just carried right on as if... well, as if she was trying to impress the guy she was dating while millions watched and judged at home. Yeah, she's so easy-going.

While getting to know each other, the jaded divorcée said she was all for living together. We have no idea if Ben believes in shacking up before marriage because he doesn't say. Afterall, this date – nay, this season – isn't about Ben opening up; it's about his women opening up. He can remain aloof and mysterious. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's okay with it.

It was at this point I noticed how nasal her voice is. Maybe that explained her red nose, though.

Nicki explains her breakup and makes it all so understandable. Afterall, she and her ex were just two different people than we were when we first got married ... almost three whole years before. A person changes in almost three years. It's a proven fact. That's good enough for simple Ben. He roses her right then and there.

What the hell is up with Blakely's transformation? The girls back at the house are sitting around wondering who will get the only other one-on-one date and Elyse tells her point blank she doesn't deserve another date, setting up a classic cat fight that should represent a 3-episode arc, but Blakely rolls with it good-naturedly. Bring back Bad Blakely!

As it turns out, Blakely doesn't get the one-on-one (it goes to Elyse), but she and everyone else get a group date. They don their sports gear and head to Roberto Clemente Stadium, named for a famous baseball player whose name escapes me. Maybe Papa Bell. When Blakely tells us she's psyched, it's the perfect opportunity for Bad Blakely to make an appearance. She says it's the perfect date for her: she played in high school and college (who knew bartending colleges fielded teams?). "I'm super-athletic," she bragged, reminding one of a cocky Vienna before she failed miserably at whatever it was she was supposed to be awesome at. But guess what? Blakely really was good.

But there was still hope for the reemergence of Bad Blakely. They were given uniforms for their big match against each other (red vs blue) and Blakely was the only one who turned hers into a little half-shirt. Because that's what super-athletes wear. Let's go, Bad Blakely! You can do it! Courtney had the line of the night, marvelling at Blakely's abilities: "Who knew strippers could play baseball?"

And then, after Jennifer struck out and Blakely's team lost 10-9 in extra innings, Bad Blakely chastised her distraught teammates: "I wanted this so bad. I busted my ass out there because I thought I was hoping you guys wanted it just as bad." Oh, such potential and nothing. Or nada, as Ben would say.

(Incidentally, on that last strikeout, the catcher dropped the ball and didn't tag Jennifer so she wasn't really out. Except I guess she did go off the baseline when she moped off the field.)

And when the requisite helicopter landed on the field to whisk the champs off to a beach, Bad Blakely said through tears, "I hope you guys throw up!" But that's was it. Bad Blakely made her exit there and didn't return. Such wasted potential. The editors are asleep at the wheel.

So the six sweaty and unshowered bodies hopped on board the cozy confines of a helicopter while the four losers took a beaten up bus back to the hotel. Those sleepy editors then had Courtney saying that team blue was a bunch of crybabies crying all the way home on the bus. How did she know?

Courtney kept up her play-by-play all episode, too. At this point she said the innocuous Lindzi has an annoying personality and the anonymous Jamie was a "hot mess."

Ben gave the rose to the terminally cute Kacie B. Good choice, I think. No skin off Courtney's ass. She Courtney took the opportunity to molest Ben. "I need affection," is what she said, along with "You gotta do what you gotta do." Yup, she's gotta have it. Please, baby, please, baby, baby, please (name that movie). She mentioned skinny-dipping here but didn't follow through. It would be foreshadowing if we hadn't seen the upcoming clip a hundred times in previous weeks.

Elyse, though, provided the real foreshadowing. Even before her one-on-one date, when the girls are usually upbeat and optimistic, she tearfully moped, "I'll be really upset if I go home tonight." It was precisely at that point I knew she'd be going home that night.

And guess what? She went home that night. Even Courtney knew it: "I might not be seeing her later. I hope I got her number. I could use a personal trainer."

While on a yacht, Elyse gets Ben's hopes up by saying, "Let's just screw everyone else." Uh, I think that's his plan. But Elyse meant something different. She playfully suggested the two of them get married right there. Uh, not so much.

Can you believe Ben could be so callous after all Elyse gave up to be there? She gave her job! She missed her best friend's wedding! That Ben is a total jerk. But Elyse really did herself in. It was funny watching her stumble around trying to figure out what Ben wanted to hear. "I've accomplished everything I ever wanted... er, I mean, I'm sick of being single... er, I mean..." Too late. No rose for you!

I don't remember but do they always pick up the rose on those one-on-one dates when they're about to dump the person? I'm sure he was told to, but it was a bit callous. Elyse's eyes lit up before the realization hit her. Then she couldn't figure out what she did wrong. Ben didn't have the heart to tell her, but the honest truth is she just didn't pick the right profession. If only she had been a model.

They really milked the aftermath of that breakup, I thought. They showed her crying in a boat while a barefoot Ben traipsed along the shore looking depressed while sappy music played as if he or the show or the viewers had invested anything in Elyse.

Back at the hotel, the driver just barged into the room to pick up Elyse's luggage. I think he was hoping to sneak a peak. Why not a knock? They knock for the date card, for crying out loud. When the ladies find out Elyse is a goner, catty Courtney said, "Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey shore came out." Oh, and, "Another one bites the dust." Oh, and, "That blew my panties off."

And with her panties metaphorically off, she hatches a plan: "I don't know if he's ever skinny-dipped with a model before."

You know that phenomenon where someone not all that good-looking becomes increasingly better looking the more you get to know them? That works in reverse, too. And Courtney is looking pretty ugly these days.

Continuing with her string of ghost-written bon mots, Courtney says, "I hope I'm a sight for sore eyes. Because after the date with Elyse his eyes are probably pretty sore."

So she and Ben head out to the beach, strip down buck naked and we watch their pixilated tushies walk out to sea, where they embrace. That's right, naughty bits on naughty bits. Later the robotic Ben understates it a tad: "Courtney and I shared a very intimate moment."

"Recalculating: Our conversations are easy."

At the cocktail party, Jennifer spends some alone time with Ben. I like the way her tongue goes to the back of her top front teeth when she smiles that crooked smile of hers. It's cute. She was totally relaxed and natural with Ben, saying, "I like you a lot. You're so easy to talk to and fun." I thought for a moment they had something going, but his reply gave me pause. Speaking like the voice on my GPS, he said, "Yeah. Our conversations are easy." What did I miss? Why the cold shoulder?

The Good Blakely had something important to share with Ben. She's had an epiphany: she's always wanted to find love, which is why she's 33 and single (I thought she was 34, but let's not quibble). She reveals that every day she writes down something about him that she likes. And Ben was taken with this nonsense. He said he did a complete 180 on his feelings toward her. They kissed and looked like a very odd couple indeed. She could be Mrs. Robinson and he looked like one of the Little Rascals.

Emily took the opportunity to take Ben down to the beach to apologize for ratting out one of the girls last week. She wishes she had never said anything and from now on she's going to just focus on Ben. Oh, and that she stands by what she said and that Courtney's a "weirdo" and is showing him a different side of herself. The word "deception" was used. But other than that, the focus is 100 percent Ben. Got it?

Ben gave her a stern talking to, warning her to "tread lightly".

Whew, boy, Emily thinks she just may have made a big mistake. Again. "I think he hates me," she cried. She confides in Lindzi that she's starting to worry. Lindzi comforts her, saying, "It's not over. The producers still pick who gets to stay."

Okay, she didn't say the last sentence, but we all know it's true.

Sure enough, Emily's with us for at least another week.

I thought I'd add a new wrinkle and give my odds on who gets the final rose in percentage points. I have no idea how to calculate odds, so I'll just make sure everything adds up to 100. You get the drift.

With Nasal Nicki (10%) and Kute Kacie (30%) already rosed, seven more join them and one is sent home. In order, here's who he selected:

1. Lindzi (snowball's chance in hell)
2. Jamie (incomplete since I don't even know who she is)
3. Rachel (less than zero)
4. Courtney (30%)
5. Casey S (zero)
6. Blakely (20%)
7. Emily (10%)

Unbelievably, Jennifer was sent home ahead of Jamie and Casey, who have been phantoms. Hell, I'd have kept her over the nice but boring Lindzi and Rachel, too. What gives? Anyone notice anything I missed? Although, when I saw the final blooper scene they always show at the end, and it was Ben and Nicki taking a warm chocolate bath complete with whipping cream, it really drove home the point that we don't see a helluva lot. I would have thought that would have been a significant scene to show. It was playful and semi-intimate. It tells me a lot about how those two see each other. So maybe there were scenes that would have shown Ben's feelings for Jennifer that were left on the editing room floor.

Jennifer was a wreck. "I just don't get it," she bawled. Neither do we, honey, neither do we. Oh, and she's not nearly as cute with her face scrunched up.

Speaking of the editing room floor, I wonder how many copies they made of the raw skinny-dipping footage? And if some disgruntled employee will release it one day. Just putting that out there.

Patience...

2012-01-31T00:34:00.000-08:00

... is a virtue, my dear readers. And you're all virtuous sorts so I know you'll forgive my tardiness with this week's episode. I haven't even watched it yet and won't have time to get my thoughts down until at least Tuesday night. So look for it on Wednesday. Or any time after that. By that time, you'll have forgotten all about what transpired and will want a refresher.

Sorry. It won't happen again*.

* Unless it does.

Bacherlor Ben: The marble statue

2012-01-24T03:15:00.000-08:00

Before we get to this week's episode, I'm assuming everyone heard the news that the Bachelor franchise is coming to Canada. My first thought was, "Please don't let Ben Mulroney host it." Then I remembered he's with another network. Thank God. That would have been the tipping point for me and I'd have run away in horror. My second thought was, "Will I have to blog two versions of the show? Or three, if you count Bachelor Pad!" I know, no one's forcing me to do any of it. My gut reaction was hell no, I'm not doing another one. But then I thought this one kind of gets lost in the hundreds of blogs devoted to the American version. Maybe I'll be a bigger fish in the Canadian blog pond. Being Canadians, we'll probably scoff at it and no one will watch, so I'm back to square one.

And finally I wondered about the Canadianness of the production. Television here is notoriously cheap. Back when we used to produce the odd game show, the prizes were hilariously insignificant, although occasionally they could creep up to the hundreds of dollars range. So I envision a Bachelor Canada where the participants are whisked away by Greyhound to such exotic locales as... whatever's within a 50-mile radius of Toronto. Okay, Niagara Falls is nice and within budget, but what then? That embarrassing trainwreck (or bus wreck) aspect to it might make our version worth watching. That and the fact maybe one of our neighbours will be on the show. Although I live in the same city as Jillian Harris and have never encountered her.

Speaking of weak locations, that brings us back to the current season. So far, we've seen Sonoma, San Francisco and this week they're in Park City, Utah, a place so famous it elicited hoots and screams from the gals last week when they announced it.

Ben wanted to take them there because he wanted his harem to experience the outdoors. And everybody knows that Park City, Utah, is the only place in the contiguous 48 where there's outdoors. So we were treated to many a swooping shot of trees. Because trees grow outdoors. You wouldn't know that because you're stuck inside somewhere other than Park City, Utah. Let's hope there some outdoors in that 50-mile radius outside of Toronto. Johnny, tell them where they stayed. "While in Park City, Utah, contestants of the Bachelor stayed at the Waldorf Astoria, Park City... Guy?" Thanks Johnny. That place looked like a complete dump. And on top of it all, it rained the whole time.

The first one-on-one date went to the dull but beautiful Rachel. And by "beautiful", I think, Ben meant "big knockers." There was the gratuitous helicopter shot (something I'm betting we won't see in the Canadian version) before the two went canoeing in a lake. Just the two of them. And about a billion flying insects. (Remember, that's Park City, Utah, you want to avoid.) Lakeside, the two potential lovebirds sipped champagne and shared their innermost secrets... Nah! It was Rachel, remember?! They shared awkward conversation. In her defense, Ben said the conversation was lagging but it's not like he did anything to perk it up or spur it on. "She tells me she's interested but I just don't see it," he parrotted (he's seen past seasons; he knows what he's supposed to say). Because anyone who is the least bit reserved or shy is thought to be uninterested and shown the door in short order. Unless they have big boobs.

Ben said they had a "good little vibe" at dinner, as they sat stiffly across from each other. He described her as beautiful and said he likes kissing her. So spark or connection be damned, he offered her a rose. You can teach conversation; you can't teach big boobs.

Back at the hotel, Kacie B. was the DC – or designated crier. She confided in Monica about her anxieties because presumably Monica had no chance with Ben. And maybe no interest, either, in any man.

The group date featured Jamie, Casey, Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Courtney, Kacie B., and Nicki. The eight of them were walking outdoors (because that's where it is, remember) when Ben rode up all alone on a horse. He looked like a natural, too, which got Lindzi all hot and bothered. As a horsewoman herself, she was confident. "This is my date," she said. "I got this one in the bag." Then, miraculously, eight horses appeared and the girls were in the saddle and walking off. Not a single horse wigged out. They must have been drugged because that just doesn't happen. The horses, I mean. Courtney was the only human who was drugged up.

Then they went fly fishing in a river. The ever-tearful Kacie B. was given the lines, "It's hard to share Ben with everybody else because Ben and I have a connection." The producers have to write some new lines. These are getting old. Maybe the Canadian version will be way different. They'll say instead, "It's hard to share _______ with everybody else because _______ and I have a connection, eh?"

I never noticed before but the model Courtney has a huge forehead. She must be, like, so smart. And that yellow loose knit hat she was wearing made her look like a Manson girl. But Ben's face totally lights up when he talks about her. She must have something because she certainly doesn't have big boobs. Although I'm pretty sure she has implants in those calves.

She's also pretty handy with a rod, if you get my drift. She was the only one who caught a fish. As she admired her catch, she said, "It's so cute!" Then she snuffed the life out of it and proudly showed off her limp, lifeless trophy.

At the gathering back indoors (still in Park City, Utah, though; don't be confused), Nicki confided that a week before she came on the show, her 49-year-old boss died. Tragic, right? Yes. But Ben one-ups her, telling Nicki that two days after arriving in LA for the taping, one of his friends died. It's good to see them honouring their memories by appearing on reality television.

Samantha made a tactical error by confronting Ben about being taken on three straight group dates when what she really wants is a one-on-one. Because she is neither a model nor has big boobs, Ben decided to make an example of her. Refusing to consider Sam's true intent, he sternly told her to get the hell out of his life. The other women sat up and noticed. This is getting serious.

Courtney said Sam rubbed her the wrong way so she had to go. "Another one bites the dust," she said. She made no mention of just which way she likes to be rubbed.

Winning!

I can't decide whether Courtney is just a horrendous actress with those overblown facial expressions or if she's a sociopath with no empathy. One the one hand, she is a model so it very well could be the former. On the other hand, she does frequently quote Charlie Sheen's "winning!" Tough call.

Ben takes some time to calm Kacie B's frazzled nerves by telling her he so wanted to kiss her in the river earlier that day but couldn't because the other girls were there. So they make up for lost time and Kacie B is putty in his hands. Ben says, "I'm in trouble with Kacie B... I might end up with her." Not sure why that would be trouble, except that he'd always be having to reassure her he's not cheating on her with a model.

Courtney sees the connection Ben and Kacie B have so she gets to work. She makes a brave choice by emulating the recently departed Samantha and whining to Ben about her experience. But she's a model so she's not being sent home. In fact, Ben decides to give Courtney the rose. Maybe she's not such a bad actress afterall. Of course, that leaves the alternative: sociopath.

The last one-on-one date went to the super-attractive-for-an-accountant Jennifer. Hey, just thought of something. If Ben can describe cute Jennifer that way, how about Courtney being super ordinary for a model?

Anyway, Jenn-Ben went hiking (outdoors), hopping a fence that posted a sign that read No Trespassing. The Ben half of Jenn-Ben hopped the fence, much to the consternation of the by-the-book accountant. They reach a hole in the ground. It's a cavern. Three hundred feet below is water. Now, don't get ahead of me here, but it turns out the Jenn half of Jenn-Ben is afraid of heights so of course the challenge is to rappel halfway down the crater, dangle for a bit, then cut rope and fall in the water. I saw this in 127 Hours, which also took place in Utah. It didn't end well. (Actually, that dropping into water ended fine. But I love extrapolating to the point where Jenn-Ben would then go on to get trapped by a boulder and they'd have to saw their arms off to escape.) My question after watching both this episode and 127 Hours was how they got back up to land. I guess I'll never find out because I sure as hell ain't doing it.

Jenn confronted her fears so she'll make an excellent wife. That's how that works, remember. At some point on their date, she said, "I never thought Utah would be so pretty." Yeah, well that's exactly what Ben thought about accountants, too.

Then it was time to talk about past romances. Jenn walked away from her 4.5-year relationship because the guy wasn't going to marry her. I think she also admitted that she still loved him, but maybe that's just the way it came across. Whatever it was, she seems like a really nice, normal gal. Or "easy, go-with-the-flow," as Ben describes her. He gives her the rose.

Then they walk down a hill to some country dude giving a concert. Jenn only had eyes for Ben so she didn't even see the hundreds of extras all pretending to like the awful music. She thought it was a concert just for her and Ben. Not only did they pretend to know the warbler, they pretended to know the song by singing along. But I know how country songs work. They repeat the chorus about 20 times. By the end of the song, it's ingrained in your brain so you find yourself reflexively singing along. That's when the cameras captured them.

What I'm wondering is what would have happened if he hadn't given her the rose? He himself said he wasn't sure about her before the date. If he sent her home, would the concert be cancelled? Pay the anonymous country crooner but give him no air time? If I were Ben, and I knew a country singer was waiting to perform for me if I gave my date a rose, I think I might just sacrifice her.

Cold & hard

At the cocktail party, Emily, the PhD student, has the line of the show in describing the psychotic Courtney, comparing her to a "statue made of marble: It's beautiful but it's cold and it's hard on the inside." Poetic. She's too smart for this show.

Which raises the question: If she's so smart, why, oh why, did she accept the role of rat? Has it ever worked in the history of the show? She took Ben aside and told her that there might be a girl there who's different around everyone else than she is with Ben. You could see Ben tensing up. He doesn't take kindly to be questioned. He told her that he doesn't expect Emily to throw anyone under the bus but he's always watchful of everyone's interactions with each other so not to worry. Well, that's just it, said Emily. This particular girl, who shall go nameless because she, too, wouldn't want to throw anyone under the bus, went on the group date and came back with the rose. Not saying who, though. Because that would be wrong.

When Courtney gets wind of this, through her one friend, Casey S., her full-on crazy comes out. "I'm a nice person; don't fuck with me." See? And then there's this: "I want to shave her eyebrows off." Methinks she might start with her own Brooke Shields-like brows.

Emily was rightfully worried that she was going to be sent home. But while I was watching I knew she'd get the producer's rose, which always goes to the person who needs to stick around for dramatic purposes. And I called it. Instead, Ben sent Monica home. She handled her exit nicely, too, saying, "It was good to get to know you." She kept her poise... until she got to the limo, where she started crying. But it wasn't clear if she was crying for Ben or Blakely.

Speaking of Blakely, what the hell happened? Did she pay off the producers? She went from villain to softie faster than anyone in franchise history. Goes to show what editing can do. She can't have changed substantially herself since two weeks ago. So is Courtney just getting a bad edit? Clearly, but she's still making all those crazy faces and taunts and quoting Charlie Sheen. It would be hard to edit her any other way.

With his downsized harem, Ben announced that next week they'd be off to Puerto Rico. Cue: screams of delight. For Puerto Rico. Well, everyone except Courtney, who said she was just there two months ago. Oh, it's gonna be fun.

Bachelor Ben: Return of the Undertaker

2012-01-17T02:23:00.000-08:00

Okay, I've procrastinated long enough. Time to bang this puppy out. Why aren't I eager to get my thoughts down this week and rush it to the screen?

Tonight we all celebrated Martin Luther King, Jr. Day by sitting passively watching 17 vapid white girls vie for the love of one vapid white guy. It's what Dr. King would have wanted. (Actually, we Canadians are excused because it's not a holiday in the Great White North.)

I may be slow on the upate, but it's finally becoming blatantly clear to me how much a role alcohol plays in everything on this show. I'm convinced of it. We start the episode off watching the ladies being chauffeured into San Francisco, all of them sipping champagne in the middle of the day. Or the start of the day. All I know is it wasn't dark out. Made me wonder how much booze is consumed on a given day in Bachelorburgh. Never mind that, how much is allocated for spirits in the budget? Probably more than the GDP of some small countries.

Ben met his sister in San Fran and told her all about his harem, saying the girls are all "professional." Is that something you tell your sister? He also told sis that Courtney is "super mellow and down to earth." Yep, he can read 'em, can't he? And I loved his description of Jennifer: "She's an accountant but she's super attractive." You caught the but, right?

His sister was hopeful of Ben finally getting a girlfriend so they can finally go on some double dates. Say what? Is that something siblings do?

First one-on-one date went to Emily, the PhD student. Emily happens to be terrified of heights so of course they climb the Golden Gate Bridge [EDITOR'S NOTE (Okay, it's me, too): It has come to my attention that the bridge was, in fact, the Bay Bridge, not the Golden Gate Bridge). Which leads me down many neural highways. It's clear that dates are set out to test whatever the selectee is uncomfortable with. Which leads me to believe the producers select who goes on what date. You can't just arrange something like climbing the Golden Gate Bridge in a day [or even the Bay Bridge]. This was all arranged weeks, if not months, in advance. Had to be. They don't wait to see who he selects and then get to work on arranging the date. It's the other way around. I'm also pretty sure the contestants all fill out questionnaires about themselves and one of the questions pertains to their biggest fear. Do you think Ben looks these over and then decides to have some fun with them at their expense? Doubtful.

So if you're reading this and thinking about going on the show, I have some advice for you: Fake a fear. And really sell it. But make sure the fake fear is something you really love doing. Act scared on the date, but then ace it. The Bachelor will totally think he helped you overcome something terrible in your life, and that you're not afraid to take chances. It's foolproof.

Come to think of it, I believe Emily did just that. I was getting queasy watching them walk that round pipe. I couldn't have done it. Not only that, but if I did reach the top platform, I would have lain down on the floor and sobbed. What did Emily do? She strutted on out there and went to the ledge to soak it all in. Yeah, she was really terrified. Also how did they get down? I wanted to see some footage on that.

Did you recall that Emily is also the one who went through the sanitation routine before shaking Ben's hand when they first met? She's got a bucket of neuroses, that one. But cute. I'll give her that. And smart.

At dinner that night, Ben made the odd choice to go with lipstick. Don't know why. It was left unsaid but I found it almost as unsettling as the bridge hike. Ben, trying to prove a point, told Emily, "I think you're smarter than me." It was all Emily could do not to blurt out, "smarter than I, dummy." Ben gave her the rose then they stood up, kissed, then looked to the skies. Ben said it was "our own private fireworks show!" Yeah, over the entire city. Nobody else could see it, Ben. Yup, she's smarter than he is, alright.

The group date killed two birds with one stone: 1. It enabled Ben to cross something off his leap list. 2. It introduced the phrase 'leap list' to the world. Does he mean bucket list? I had no idea what he was talking about. Granted, I'm not the most plugged-in guy in the world so it's quite possible this is a common term. Or maybe a regionalism I'm not familiar with. Just to be sure, I'm going to Google it...

Guess what? It's not even a thing! It's a total product placement by a car company. I'm not going to mention their name because then they've won. This same company was mentioned by one of the girls on the ski date. I thought that was suspicious but now I'm wise to their game. Boycott that car company! I can't believe Ben just effortlessly used the phrase like it was something he's known for his lifetime. Boo. You heard me, boo.

Anyway, the activity that Ben claims he always wanted to do was skiing down a street in San Francisco. Sure, a boyhood dream. Who doesn't dream about skiing city streets? Myself, I've always wanted to parasail through Detroit but different strokes...

What a ridiculous date. Of course the women all have their bikinis at the ready. Snow is brought in and down they go.

At nght, the insignificant Rachel (she of the party-girl voice) took Ben aside and "really opened up" to him. Oh, and she kissed him. But that's not why she got the rose. It was the opening up that sealed it. Kacie B(aton) took him out to the street for a stroll and maybe it was the way she was dressed but she looked about 14.

The final one-on-one date went to grandma's girl Brittney. Brittney, however, had her own thoughts. She realized she just wasn't in it. Or she realized she wasn't going to get a rose and didn't want to be humiliated. So she did the honourable thing and left. Her grandma's gonna give her a whuppin' when she gets home. Ben took it in stride, saying Brittney was on the fence anyway. Nice save, Ben.

Or maybe this just paves the way for her return mid-season, saying she made a terrible mistake. Or does Shawntel's arrival count as the de rigeur return for the season?

So the sloppy seconds went to Lindzi, who took full advantage and scored a rose. They had ice cream at my old work place, Swensen's, and rode a trolley car through Chinatown to City Hall. It being night and all, it was closed. But Ben is the king of San Francisco. He whipped out a key and led Lindzi inside. Lindzi was blown away, as you can well imagine. "I don't know who this guy is, but he's clearly amazing!" No doubt. He must know the mayor or something.

Well, guess what? As luck would have it, some other people were locked inside. They must have been in the bathroom at closing time. So to pass the time, they formed a band and played for Ben and Lindzi. What luck! Lindzi even pretended to know who they were to make it seem like they were a real famous band. She thinks of everything, that Lindzi. They played what sounded to me like a ripoff of Prince's Kiss but I won't judge too harshly since they'd only been practicing since closing time.

Later, at an intimate speakeasy, Ben asked how Lindzi could still be single. It always strikes me as judgmental when I hear this on the show. The question can always be turned around to the asker, but never is. Lindzi said she'd only been in love once in her life, for a year and a half. She got dumped by text message: "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You." Clearly, her ex was a jerk of the highest order. I hate to blame the victim, but what would lead someone to break up that way with a woman they'd been seeing for more than a year? I know that's not right of me, but it's a nagging thought. Maybe the guy just didn't dig her dirt make-up.

But she got the rose from Ben, who romantically cooed, "I've been really impressed with you." Aw, Ben, you sure know how to make the ladies swoon.

The King of San Fran then whipped out his key to the city and opened up a closed piano store. The first time we learned Ben could tickle the ivories, we didn't get to hear him play. This time we did. He clunked out a few chords and Lindzi was blown away: "That's seriously amazing!" What was really amazing was when they started dancing in the middle of the store to dubbed-in music. In other words, to no music at all where they were.

At the cocktail party, Ben tells the super-attractive-for-an-accountant Jennifer that she's "hands down the best kisser in the house." I've got an inkling he may regret those words in the likely event he ultimately chooses somebody other than Jennifer.

But the real story of the night was the return of the Undertaker, Shawntel, from Brad's season. I loved Shawntel. In fact, on her return she immediately became my favourite again. But she sure wasn't the favourite at the party. Again, I'm going to blame our good friend Al. K. Hall here. There's no way any sane or rational person could develop a hate-on for her so quickly. How about blaming Chris Harrison, or the producers, for inviting her back? And what's the threat? Either Ben likes her more or he doesn't. There's nothing you can do about it.

The tears started flowing. Courtney showed how super-mellow and down to earth she is by rambling incoherently and attacking others. Elyse (I think it was) said the sexy Shawntel was uglier in person and had thick thighs. That's just crazy talk. Her thighs aren't even as thick as Courtney's calves. Jacklyn said she feels she's better than Shawntel (newsflash: you're not. In fact, it's not even close). Nicki said, "Shawntel rides in on her high hearse – no pun intended." (!) You gotta admit, that's a pretty great unintended pun.

Ben had eleven roses to hand out, after already giving one each to Emily, Rachel and Lindzi. Two would go home.

Or would they?

They went in order, and quicker than any other rose ceremony in Bachelor history! (with my editorial preferences in parentheses):

Courtney, who accepted reluctantly. (x)
Kasie B(aton) (√)
Elyse (x)
Jamie (-)
Jennifer (√)
Casey S. (√)
Blakely (x)
Monica (√)
Nicki (√)
Samantha (x)

Before he handed out the last rose to either sexy Shawntel, Erika or Jaclyn, he decided to give a little speech. But Erika decided to go for the sympathy rose by almost fainting. You'd have thought she collapsed and went into seizure by the way everyone was acting, but she was fine. Ben then made his speech saying he wasn't going to give out the last rose afterall. At which point Erika tried one more time. Okay, maybe it was the sauce. It's a theme, afterall. Really, she had no chance whatsoever after showing Ben her inside-lip tattoo of the word Amoré. You had to stick around for the blooper reel at the end of the show to have seen that, but it happened before the rose ceremony so you know he socked that piece of information away.

We never got to see Ben's goodbye to Jaclyn. She just walked off bawling with someone. I think she may be hiding in the house.

Shawntel shed more tears than she did when let go by Brad. She said she was embarrassed, as, I guess, she ought to be. As she left, classy Courtney cackled, "See ya! Sayonara!" Ben's reasoning for not giving her a rose was because it's not fair to the rest of the girls. What does fairness have to do with anything if this is really about finding yourself a mate? This ain't no game, Benjamin. This is your life.

I was clamouring for Shawntel to be named Bachelorette last time so I'll sound that trumpet again. She's clearly desperate and willing to play the game. She's attractive, she's smart, she's funny, she's... well, if not normal, as close as you can get on reality television. Come on, producers! Throw me a bone for once in your lives, would ya? After all I do for you.

Next week the gang is off to – hold onto your seats – Park City, Utah! The gals let out a collective whoop! when they were told. They're pulling out all the stops, I tells ya! What's even better is that Courtney looks even more mentally unstable in the clips.

Bachelor Ben: Are you kidding me?

2012-01-09T23:44:00.000-08:00

And we're back. Nice comments last week (and tonight – if I knew how to do real-time blogging, I would. That would be fun). Keep 'em coming!

A friend of mine said last week that Bachelor Ben looks like he has bottled-up rage and that it will most like rear its ugly head sometime this season. I just can't believe it. Does anyone else see that in him? The closest we've seen of it was when he got jilted at the final rose ceremony last season. He got understandably angry but handled himself thoughtfully and with dignity. But it sure would be fun to see him unload at some point.

The only hint of detachment from reality was when he said, in explaining what brought him back to the show, "it worked for me once." Did I miss that? Was that season unaired? I distinctly recall it quite clearly not working for him once.

Also this week, my wife entered in her first ever office Bachelor pool. She had her choice of 18 women to choose from and she chose... Jenna the Unstable Blogger! Thanks for coming out. There's two bucks down the drain. What was she thinking? I thought she read this blog. Jenna had about as much chance of winning as Jake and Vienna have of getting back together.

Tonight's episode didn't thrill me. Or maybe it was just Sonoma that put me to sleep. Ben brought all the girls to his hometown right off the bat, although he didn't introduce any of them to his family. I don't know how that's even possible since I'm sure we saw the entire population of Sonoma in this episode.

Kacie the Kutie got the first date of the season. It's always tough this early in the proceedings to know who's who, save for the crazies (which may be why some people opt to go for a larger than life persona). I'm constantly referring to last week's notes to jog my memory, and also compare it to how I thought of them last week. Looking over my chicken scratch, I see I gave Kacie a check mark. Good news for Kacie: she kept it this week despite revealing herself to be a master baton twirler. At least she seemed to have a good sense of humour about it.

The lowlight of the date – and the show – was when Ben and Kacie sat in the empty town cinema and watched home movies. I mean, it's always cute to see adults as kids but I'm a little sick of the maudlin death stuff every season. I watch this reality show to escape from reality, not to be constantly reminded of our mortality. And it also depressed me no end to find out Kacie was three years old in 19-freakin'-89. That's not right.

Next up was the group date with twelve gals. Ben arranged for them to audition for a bunch of kids who had written a fairy tale. And then the group performed the play in full costume at the Sonoma Community Theatre [sic] in front of a packed house. Between this night and the previous stroll around the town, all I could think was Sonoma sure is a happening place.

Pouring over my notes from last week, I see that Jennifer went from an X to a check mark in my book. Nicki kept the highly coveted check mark. Well done, girls.

At the after party, it was Blakely's time to shine. I dubbed her Flakely in my notes before someone else did, fyi. But in retrospect, I don't know how fake she is. She seems to be presenting herself the same to the other girls, to us, and to Ben: an overly aggressive cougar with an inner forearm tattoo to rival the crazy Kasey, aka King Ding-a-Ling.

I thought Blakely was too aggro for the passive Ben but I guess he goes for that. He surprised us all when he gave her the group date rose. Hey, why not? I can totally see them live happily ever after, can't you? Blakely could get a job as a VIP cocktail waitress at the local Sonoma diner.

Jennifer lost some points when she cried about not getting the rose but she still gets to keep the check mark for now. But she's on probation.

The next one-on-one date went to Courtney, the model. She turned off the crazy and looked and acted somewhat normal. But something was not quite right. She never really said anything of substance but she sounded like she did. It was weird. Ben would ask her a question and she'd start to answer then change the subject and it sounded like she answered but she didn't. And when they kissed, it seemed hot and heavy, but she managed to keep her distance by keeping those lips pretty close together. I hate to say it, but I think she might not be there for the right reasons! Hey, someone had to say it first.

What is it with nice guys on this show that they go for the crazy beauties? I get it, actually. In real life, Ben would never get a sniff of a model or be anywhere near a VIP cocktail waitress so it's thrilling for him. They are bucket list roses. But poor, sweet Ben really thinks Courtney could be the one. "She's the whole package: smart, pretty, drop-dead gorgeous, psychotic." Okay, maybe he didn't say it quite that way.

Courtney proved that not all models are bad actresses. When Ben asked how she could possibly be single, she played the old "I guess I'm just picky" card. Wow, nice save, Courtney! She also had the line of the night when she said, "I'm just doing me for a while." While probably no pun was intended, one was certainly taken.

While walking through the forest, Courtney the Model looked like maybe her specialty is as a hand model. Or it could be the boots that made her legs look like giant redwood trunks amongst the giant redwood trees.

And as soon as the producers got Courtney in front of the interview camera, she popped a crazy pill and revealed her nut-job side.

At the final cocktail party, Lindzi wooed Ben by telling him she drives a truck and usually wears dirt for make-up. Then Jenna tried to one-up her by stammering, "I'm a guy... I'm not like a girl." In her defense, she's a writer; not an orator. Give her time and a thesaurus and I'm sure she'd come up with something better. But it sure is comical watching her beat herself up over her miscues. Again, I'm almost positive alcohol played a role here but still, are you going to want to choose a woman who gets all verklempt every time she has a drink? Probably not, which is why no one in their right mind would choose her in a Bachelor pool. Right, hon?

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew had pretty much enough of Blakely, driving the 34-year-old cocktease waitress into hiding. She found a corner and hid behind some luggage. At first I thought she was crying but when Ben found her, her face wasn't streaked, her eyes weren't red. No sign of tears at all. She was just crouched behind a suitcase. Makes me wonder what she was really doing. Then on his way back to the party, Ben heard the sobbings of Jenna, who was under the covers in bed. He led her back down to the rose ceremony where he ceremoniously dumped her. Good-bye toonie.

With Kacie, Blakely and Courtney already rosed up, there were 13 more to hand out. Does it usually go this slowly? They only eliminated two this week. Advancing were Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jacklyn, Erica, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Casey, Samantha, Monica, Jamie and Brittney, about half of whom got zero face time this week so they were almost total strangers to me. Jenna, as mentioned, got the boot, as did someone named Shawn, I think.

As Jenna walked away, my first thought was that it was good for her career to be off this sinking ship as soon as possible. The less damage the better. She should have walked out without saying a word, but she couldn't help herself. Holding onto her boobs (maybe they were tender, which might explain the emotions), she blubbered. But tears were not enough. She also said, "I'm in shock. I came here looking for love, I did. Ugh. I feel sick. These girls distracted him. These girls are good, I know. I just can't believe... Oh my gosh. Are you kidding me? (then quietly and seriously) No, really, are you kidding me? I can't believe this is happening. I'm mortified. I think I deserve love. I have always been trying to find it. [incoherent] pretend this never happened; it was a mistake."

I always feel for the emotionally unstable ones. It's got to be tough going back to reality with all your friends and family, not to mention strangers on the street, worried for your mental health. I wish nothing but the best for her. In fact, how about we start a campaign: Jenna for Bachelorette!

Next week they're going from Sonoma to San Francisco. The producers are pulling out all the stops! What's next, Sacramento?

See you next week.

Bachelor Ben: A blogger's shame

2012-01-02T23:05:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, Bachelor friends. We are back. Let's see if I remember how to do this.

And while I feel a certain amount of shame for blogging about this ridiculous show, my title refers to another blogger. But we'll get to her.

Ben is back. And unlike every Bachelorette in franchise history, there was no make-over on his return. Although maybe it looks like he's worked out in the weight room. Seems a bit more buff. In catching up with him, he let us know he got over his heartbreak by focussing on work in the, what?, three days he had between seasons. Ah, minutes into the show and we're reminded how full of it everyone involved with it is.

At least we got to relive his humiliating defeat from last season one more time, when he got down on one knee and asked Ashley to marry him before being denied. So he was buffed then rebuffed. Oh, I never tire of seeing that epic, awkward fail. Will someone please add a laugh track to it and send it to America's Funniest Home Videos. Please? And judging from the upcoming season highlights, that might not be his last public humiliation. But we know how the editors love to tease us. Hell, they almost had me thinking a limping grandmother was one of the contestants this time around. Turns out she was just the chaperone for her grand-daughter, Brittney.

But Brittney wasn't the only one with a gimmicky entrance. Lindzi went one step further than the already gimmicky spelling of her pedestrian name: She passed up a ride in the limo for an easy amble onto the property atop Levi, her horse. I don't know if the gimmicky entrances work but they're no worse than the painful rehearsed opening lines. My favourite unique entrance was from the sultry student Anna, who was the first in history to walk right by without saying a word. Gutsy move, as Ben yelled at her. She's the Suzanne Somers in American Grafitti of The Bachelor.

In that hilariously humiliating clip from last season, we heard what I think might be the best quote in franchise history, when Ben said, "Good things don't end unless they end badly." That quote has it all: heart, depth, philosophy, good grammar. So it was nice to hear Jenna, a freelance writer (or "blogger", as the graphics put it), mention it in her opening words to Ben. She put her own stamp on it, though: "Good things end badly." Hey, she's a writer, not a talker.

Or rather, she's a blogger. And the star of the show so far. By far. Before we met all 25 of the ladies, we were shown vignettes of nine of them. I made snap decisions on your behalf so you'll know who to cheer for. In the 'check' column, I put Lindzi the Lippizzaner, Kacie the Knoxville Kutie, Jamie the Rock, and Nicki the Divorcée. For the record, all four advanced to the next round. The Blogger (pictured above, I'm guessing, as it's the lead image on her blog) was not on this list.

In the 'cross' column, I put Amber T for Tomboy, Courtney the Sexy Model, Lyndsie the London Derrière, Shawn the Phoenix Phinancial Planner, and, yes, Jenna the Carrie Bradshaw Wannabe. And two of those didn't advance. Out of the other five that were sent packing, I only regret Dianna, a funny and cute gal from somewhere in California. And maybe Anna because I liked her walk-by of Ben.

I was disappointed in the only Canadian. Amber Bacon was a little too brash, a little too Wrassler. The two Canucks would make a good team. Maybe she could be his wrestling manager. Once eliminated, though, she lost the crazy eyes and her soft side shone through.

I've got an early morning ahead of me so I'll keep this short. The highlights centred around Jenna, who is the designated unstable kook. When I saw her vignette, something seemed off but I couldn't put my finger on it. Oh yeah, she's a writer. Nuff said. She was attractive but that means nothing on this show. Or, I guess, in life. Turns out my spidey senses were bang on. She's certifiable. This is a woman who apparently gives relationship advice on her blog The Over-Analyst. I wonder how that will work out for her now. Night One and she's a total wreck, sobbing uncontrollably because one of the girls doesn't like her. Okay, I'm pretty sure alcohol played a sizable role in it, but that in itself is another big ole red flag.

She had some great lines, but what else would you expect from a woman of letters? Try these on for size:

To Monica: "Maybe we can share a tampon sometime."
Ben: "It's nerve-wracking. Trust me, I get it." Jenna: "Do you really?"
"I don't want him to think I'm a mess." (Yeah, best to save that for later.)

Jenna's arch-nemisis was Monica, a 33-year-old dental hygienist from Santa Monica. The cackling blonde was unflappable in the face of the overwrought Blogger. It was quite funny, actually. And so was her gutter mouth. Add to all this her lesbian tendencies and what's not to love? She snuggled up to the womanly Blakely, a VIP cocktail waitress (nudge nudge, wink wink), and whispered sweet somethings into her ear: "I love girls... You're in my life forever... You're beautiful, you're amazing... You know I need your number, right?..." That's what I'm tawkin' abowt!

It's clear the producers are still advising the Bachelor on who to pick. After the first impression rose (to Lindzi), Ben handed out 17 roses. An odd number, no? My guess is he got to choose 15 of them and the producers told him to select Monica and Jenna. There's no other rational explanation. I'm against this practice 100%, let me make that perfectly clear. But in this case, I secretly am giddy about it.

So that's about it. It looks like we'll have lots of high drama and unintentional comedy this season. See you here next week.

BP 2, episode 6: The Bachelor Pad Dilemma

2011-09-12T23:41:00.000-07:00

Whew! We made it. It's over! And there's sweet freedom until January 2, 2012, when lovable jilted Ben makes his debut as The Bachelor. In the meantime, let's talk about this entertaining train wreck of a show that became even more entertaining when I got my way and King Ding-a-Ling and his Drama Queen were finally given ye olde boote.

It was an episode where sultry Michelle unveiled her innocent schoolgirl look in a last-ditch effort to prove to the world she's not the unstable psycho she appeared to be on an earlier season of The Bachelor, nor the family-wrecker she was reported to be (see number 7 on this list) in gossip pages. It's no surprising she and Graham hit it off. She apparently has a thing for basketball players.

It was an episode in which Chris Harrison stated that "it's all about relationships here at the Bachelor Pad." Hypocrite. Most of the contestants come on as singles. And in fact, the winning relationship wasn't even an existing relationship, except in the sense that any two people who know each other have a relationship. Holly, who had a thing for creepy Blake throughout the show, finally hooked up with him. As in she's moving to South Carolina to live with him. As in they're engaged. Yet she is partnered up with her ex-fiancé Michael. (Which one of you didn't answer Holly as she excitedly cooed to Blake, "We're gonna get married?" after he proposed to her on camera, with "Uh, not if your past engagement is any indication, you're not"?)

It was an episode where we learned this all took place over three weeks. Three weeks! Blake and Holly didn't even know each other on day one. So they had a little flirty thing going, then hung out for a few more weeks after taping, then got engaged. Yeah, this has 'till death do us part' written all over it.

It was an episode where Graham admitted he was "literally pissing down [his] leg." Literally.

It was an episode where perhaps one of the dumbest and least witty contestants in both Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad history, King Ding-a-Ling, bragged, "I'm smart. I'm witty." Then later Gia backed him up, saying he was the smartest guy in the house. Keep in mind Gia is a swimsuit model and in her world, Kermit would pass as a rocket scientist.

Oops, did I say Kermit? Sorry. He revealed he has a speech impediment that makes him mumble and swallow his words and sound like Kermit the Frog. My bad. I'll no longer refer to him as Kermit. From here on out, it's only King Ding-a-Ling.

It was an episode where the southern belle Ella feared for her life strapped in a harness 100 feet in the air in Las Vegas at the theatre where Cirque du Soleil performs the very same feat every single night without incident because, "Sorry, but I don't trust harnesses." I know, right?

It was an episode where the four remaining teams were judged in a very difficult and scary artistic endeavour not by expert choreographers or performers but by three members of the vast Bachelor family: Tristin, Jason and Ali. Because, you know, they know art. And they have no biases whatsoever, and couldn't possibly be bought off by the show that gave them a career. Nope, completely on the up and up. (Their expertise was driven home when, after an impressive aerial display by Holly and Michael, Judge Jason says, "Wow! Are you guys a couple now?")

It was an episode where the bought-off judges got to eliminate the worst pair: Ella and Kirk. Poor Ella. She really needed that $250,000 to raise her son. Now she'll have to get a job. That sucks.

It was an episode where one member of the Power Couple brow-beat the other, and the other went off and pouted... Oh wait, that's the same as every other episode.

It was an episode where the challenge winners, Holly and Michael, got to choose their final opponents and send the others home. And after what seemed like forever (but my blog post title suggests is only six weeks), King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen finally got their come-uppance. The other finalists would be the formerly wacko Michelle and her new basketball-playing beau Graham.

The live portion of the evening was entertaining. We learned many things:

Ames, who ran off to console and be with the love of his life, Jackie, upon her elimination, quickly dumped the heart-broken Jackie soon after real life gave him a wake-up call. I figured it was because he wanted to be single in the off-chance the show offers him the role of the next Bachelor. Now that Ben has been named, maybe Ames will get back with the heart-broken Jackie.

King Ding-a-Ling offered a mea culpa and actually came off both sincere and, dare I say it, likable. He apologized for his actions in general and to Jake in particular. He also kept saying the relationship he saw on screen with Vienna was not one he wanted to be in. It was cryptic, to say the least. Chris Harrison said he was confused about where he stood with Lady V and frankly so was I. I was kinda pulling for another public break-up for her, but that's the romantic in me.

Michael was blind-sided with the news that his partner, and gal of his dreams, Holly, was now engaged to Blake the Snake. He seemed upset at first but quickly let it go and reverted to the old happy-go-lucky Michael that we grew to find so annoying on The Bachelorette. But Holly seemed to like the old carefree Michael more. I think we're all hoping for a Holly & Michael reunion at some point, aren't we? I mean, New York over South Carolina, right?

Knowing what we know, and what I had forgotten from last season, that the BP rejects vote on which team they want to advance, does it make any sense whatsoever for next year's cast to backstab each other and be jerks like they were this season? Last year, when this was all new, nobody knew how the final would play out. But let's not forget it for next season. Or maybe the writers will come up with another formula (as they probably should). Because even King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen seemed to know that, had they made it to the final, nobody would have voted for them. How is that smart strategy to alienate the whole house when that very house will have the final say on you winning or losing?

Holly & Michael received the needed eight votes (Jake, Blake, Erica, Jackie, Ames, Justin, Ella and Gia – with the exception of the Snake, all the good people on the show), while Graham & Michelle received four votes (Drama Queen, King Ding-a-Ling, Melissa and William – with the exception of William, the deranged people on the show).

And then it got down to the classic game theory with the Prisoner's Dilemma, the writers having taken psychology in high school. Holly and Michael each had to choose, in private, whether they wanted to share the total money or keep it all for themselves. If they both chose 'share', as they did last season, they'd each be $125,000 richer (minus about $100,000 they'll have to pay in taxes and agent fees). If one chooses 'keep' and one chooses 'share', the one who chose 'keep' gets it all. If they both are greedy bastards and choose 'keep', then the quarter million is divided up between the other 13 losers, who'd become winners to the tune of $19,230.76 apiece.

And that's possibly a flaw in the whole BP ethos of relationships: Everyone chooses 'share'. If they were assigned teammates, or had to draw teammates names out of a hat, and there was conflict within the team, then maybe there'd be some real drama. Then wouldn't it be fun trying to guess if they'd pick 'keep' or 'share'? We knew that both Michael and Holly are decent people and would do the right thing. And if it's a real couple, like Graham & Michelle or, heaven forbid, King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen, then of course they're going to share. I can't envision a scenario where the teammates wouldn't share the money. But if, say, Jake and Vienna were assigned each other, how would that play out? Exciting, no?

But hey, it's not about the money. It's not about winning. It's about relationships and doing the right thing. They're all winners.

Except King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen.

(Okay, I'll let it go. As I said, Kasey actually seemed remorseful and Vienna had softened. They're winners, too. Group hug!)

See you in January.

BP 2, episode 5: Relief is on the way

2011-09-05T23:35:00.000-07:00

One more week! Did we know this? It seems so sudden. But I'm thrilled. And judging by the lack of comments last week, you are, too. I'll take that as a vote against this awful show. (I refuse to take responsibility!) Why do I keep watching? Habit, I guess. And parts are fun. But the end doesn't justify the means.

This week the show threw its customary curveball. Chris Harrison informed everyone that from here on out it was a couples game. They started by making the competition a rip-off of the Newlywed Game which they called the Nearlywed Game. Yes, force singles to pair up for a game and insinuate that they're going to get hitched.

The game was fun. Or would have been had we seen all of it. We get two hours of nonsense a week so why not devote 30 minutes of it to the actual game? Graham and Michelle ruined it, though, with their winning strategy of agreeing on set answers for certain answer types. Do I fault them? Not really. In fact, I kind of liked that they showed up the writers and producers of this lame series. That's what they get for asking predictable questions.

There was some fun drama between the Drama Queen and her King Ding-a-Ling. It was funny not only trying to understand what old mumble-mouth was saying but also watching the subtitles only picking up half of his words. I pictured the editors running back tape over and over again trying to pick up what he was saying.

Basically it boiled down to King Ding-a-Ling needing to get laid and the virginal Queen having none of it. He ripped the ring off her finger in disgust and she went to pout in a bunk bed before his sub-titled sweet talking got her in the sack. As he rolled on top of her in the grainy footage, as an ABC cameraman creamed his jeans, Lady V sighed, "Let's just get it over with." Ah, sweet love.

You just know some rogue employee is going to one day sell off the dirty sex tapes they've got stored in a vault somewhere.

Graham and Michelle were whisked away on their date by a helicopter. I know. Hard to believe, right? But wait, it gets better! They got a sneak peak of What's Your Number?, a new movie starring Anna Faris (I just looked that up; never heard of her), while sitting in a hot tub. Graham was extolling the virtues of the formerly crazy Michelle, making her sound like any other normal person with fake boobs and teeth. I have my doubts.

Finishing second in the Nearlywed Game were Blake and Erica. The ditzy Erica actually got some decent lines in this week in between talk of her astrologer and her horniness. Watching her trying to bed Blake was worth the time wasted. She flat-out said she wanted no-strings-attached sex and he didn't succumb. He probably couldn't get the image of Holly sauntering by him in her bikini out of his mind. Neither can I, come to think of it. I said earlier that they should have devoted 30 minutes to the Nearlywed Game. I think they should have devoted the rest of the allotted time to Holly in her bikini.

Blake was the guy with the target on his back this week just because the producers can't dare part with the truly crazy and soulless King Ding-a-Ling and his Drama Queen.

Holly was torn. Or so she said. Her heart is with the new guy, Blake, rather than with the known commodity, Michael. If Michael didn't play the part of the brooding, woe-is-me character, maybe Holly would see what she once loved in him. Yes, he's a good guy, but that gets old. Oh, and if he lost that dopey hat, that might help, too.

But while Holly is doing her own crying, telling everyone how hurt she was when Michael left her, she neglects to factor in the part where she broke off their engagement first. Why not call it a draw and live happily ever after already?

Blake and Erica were given two roses to save one other couple. But here's yet another example of shoddy work by the writers and producers. By all accounts Blake was the one to go anyway. So everyone else would be safe with or without the rose.

So who do they decide to give the roses to, saving them for another week? You guessed it: King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen. Because they're so trustworthy. Because they're the power couple. Because... the producers told them to. There's no other conceivable reason why this would happen. Zero.

And what happens next? Harrison winds up for another curveball saying that the women of each team must do the voting. Why couldn't they go in together since this is all about the couples now? Ah, where would the fake drama be then? You see, King Ding-a-Ling & the Drama Queen voted to get rid of Ella & Kirk, as did Blake & Erica. Which really isn't nice because Ella is a single mom trying to raise a 9-year-old son and can't do it on less than a quarter million dollars. So that was two votes for Ella & Kirk out of five.

Ella and Kirk, naturally, voted for Blake and Erica. So did Graham and Michelle, because Blake violated the Man Code (shout out to David!). That's two votes for Blake & Erica.

Now here's where the fake drama comes in. Holly must cast the deciding vote. What to do, what to do? She doesn't want to send her new love home yet she doesn't want to be disloyal to her team partner and former love. And she didn't want to send Ella home, either. Seems like a simple solution to me. She couldn't vote for Graham & Michelle or King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen because they already had roses. But there's no rule saying she can't vote for her own team. She could have voted for herself and Michael knowing that no one else did. It would force a tie between B&E and K&E, forcing the producers to come up with another one of their lame contests to break the tie.

But no, she went with her head. Bye-bye Blake (and Erica). Holly's heart hurt but she had to do it.

Next week four teams will be whittled down to one winner. Do we care who wins? Absolutely not. But if it's King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen I feel I must take a stand. Don't know what. Any ideas?

BP 2, episode 4: Still disgusted

2011-08-30T00:24:00.000-07:00

The show did nothing to woo me back this week. But I still watched, sucker that I am. As I've been saying all along, I like the day-to-day stuff with the cast of misfits but I can't stand the actual contest. This week started off where they tried to keep us in suspense last week, announcing that their bad boy King Ding-a-Ling had beaten out former golden boy Jake in a battle royale (the closest vote in Bachelor Pad history!). Not a good place to start because it just cements what I (and I have to believe others) hate about the show. Can someone – anyone – explain to me why anyone would vote off Bro Jake over King Ding-a-Ling? How does that gain them anything, game-wise?

And so it went tonight in episode 4. Someone said the strategy was to either vote out the weak link or break up the power couple. Of course, we know what they did and would do long before we saw the results. Likable non-entity William would be fed to the lions. Nothing about the game makes sense. When King Ding-a-Ling brought out the sob story that he needed the money so his grandmother could live, what was going through the pea-brains of the other contestants, who also need the money for various causes? I'm speechless.

I believe the producers are setting King Ding-a-Ling and his Drama Queen up for a big fall, getting us to get our hate-on for them before dropping them so we can all feel good about the season, but it's not worth it. The fact they've lasted as long as they have gives me zero confidence in the show and the other contestants.

And yet I watch. If you're reading this, producers, don't think you won.

The game this week was the famously gross kissing contest, wherein one person stands blindfolded and is given a kiss gang-bang. It's no surprise that Princess Erica believes she's a great kisser. What is surprising is that she attributes it to the collagen or botox injections she gets twice yearly. She should be disqualified for using a performancing-enhancing substance.

She didn't win, though. It was sweet southern Ella who turned it on for the sake of her son, whereas the hideous beauty Michelle didn't love her 6-year-old daughter enough to even enter the competition.

On the boys' side, it was Blake on the make. Proving that dentists really do have no soul, Blake went all-in with everybody but Vienna, and only because he was afraid for his life. Interesting to note that when everyone was told what the contest would be, King Ding-a-Ling and Graham both said they were out, they wouldn't do it. But they held their noses and gave it the old college try. Actually, it was the women who held their noses when they kissed the foul King Ding-a-Ling. It wasn't clear if Kermit ate some nasty bugs with the intention of dissuading any sensuous lip-locks or if he just has a bad case of halitosis.

Ella took Kirk on her date so we got a return of the mould story. Obviously not having seen Kirk's season, Ella was amazed that Kirk opened up to her like that. I'm surprised it took him this long to mention it this time around.

Blake invited Holly on his date because he doesn't play the game in a linear fashion. That's all. He's not sweet on her. What cute Holly sees in the fanged dentist is beyond me, but pretty much everything is in this show anyway so que sera sera. That's Holly's one knock that I can see. The emotional Melissa didn't take things well, calling Blake a sociopath. Once again Dr. Blake opens up to the camera that he thinks he made a huge mistake.

Holly decides to spend the night on the date and Blake the Snake gets right on it. Dusting off his frat boy lines, he tells her he needs to re-examine the evidence to see if she really is the kisser she claims to be. Meanwhile, ex-fiancé Michael pines for her back at the mansion as the clock ticks on into the night. The next day she waltzes back into the house wearing several pearl necklaces, which is never a good sign. She breaks the news gently to Michael that she kissed Blake and Michael is dumbfounded. "I can't believe you kissed him. I can't believe you would do this to me," he said. Totally. I mean, blindfolded is one thing, but without props? That's a low blow. She said she had to see what she really felt. Subtext: she had to see if she was repulsed having to look at him when she kissed that smug mug. And she wasn't.

The rose ceremony was another dud. They give so much away leading up to it we all knew it would be William and Melissa. So not only is the mind-boggling reasoning behind the votes a turn-off, but so is revealing so much before we find out who stays and goes officially. I was hoping that William could slink around in the shadows until the final. He went unnoticed pretty much every week. What threat was he? How does sending him home help anyone's goal of winning it all?

As for Melissa, well, I hope she's okay. In both this series and her turn on The Bachelor, I felt she was often in the right but she just didn't know how to deal with her emotions and take a step back. Her facial contortions in the limo ride on the way out were something to behold. I hope time will allow her to look back and laugh at how crazy she looked.

From what I can tell, there are ten contestants left: Graham, Michelle, Blake, Ella, Michael, Holly, Vienna, Kirk, Erica and King Ding-a-Ling. Assuming the producers will not get rid of the power couple until the very end, if at all, who does that leave on the chopping block for next week? If all goes to form, it should be Erica (or maybe Ella) and Graham next to say buh-bye. Who do you have? Let me know. Make your predictions in the comments section. And don't be shy.

Grantland breaks it down

2011-08-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

If you've never seen the sports/pop-culture-obsessed website, Grantland, you've got to check it out. There are some really great – and funny – writers there. It's the child of former ESPN Sports Guy, Bill Simmons.

They have something called the "Grantland Reality TV Fantasy Draft". In their latest scorecard, they announce the week's winners. Here's how the Bachelor Pad contestants fared:

First Tier
Melissa (Bachelor Pad, Lane): 25 points. Melissa and her over-tweezed eyebrows continued to behave irrationally this week. When Blake — a man she's spent only a few days with on a reality show — told her he wanted to be “plutonic partners,” she had a complete breakdown (5 crying points). And when Erica called her a lunatic, she did an encore (5 more crying points), and even threatened to leave the show (15 points). It's time for some serious self-evaluation when you get called crazy by a woman who wears a tiara and refers to herself as “princess."

Second Tier
Michelle Money (Bachelor Pad, Kang): 15 points. Michelle Money is Muhammad Ali in Zaire. She is Rope-a-doping the rest of the women on Bachelor Pad. Scoring only with a kiss (5 points) and challenge victory (10 points) this week, she's sitting back and watching the rest of cast cry, be promiscuous, and argue until they get tired. That's when she'll make her move. Let’s not forget this is the woman who asked ninjas to kidnap her competitors on The Bachelor and ended Carlos Boozer’s marriage.

Kasey and Vienna (Bachelor Pad, Connor and Kang): 15 and 10 points. Kasey and Vienna are reality-show veterans who know exactly what it takes to get camera time. It’s almost as if, every night, while the cameras are off, they conference call with Aaron Sorkin and he writes them storylines to maximize their exposure. This week, Sorkin wrote them an argument (5 points each) that left Vienna in tears (5 points), and a dramatic courtyard scene during which Kasey pulled out a jewelry box, causing Vienna to blurt, “I don’t want that to be an engagement ring!” right in his face. Instead, Kasey gave her a promise ring and explained what it meant in a song (10 points for plugging a singing career). Seriously. Kasey sang his promises to Vienna in a Nick Lachey-esque a capella number and did that spastic head-shake thing people do when they sing. It was glorious. Nice touch by Sorkin closing with a musical number.

Michael (Bachelor Pad, House): 10 points. Michael won the challenge (10 points) and took his ex-fiancé Holly on a reward date to further confirm that he's the only party interested in rekindling their romance. A sample:

Michael on Holly: "I want more time to … to just be around her and talk to her and just work on us. And since we have gotten here, there is a level of comfortability and we are both very much on the same page.”
Holly on Michael: "It is really hard to be around Michael, I'll be completely honest."
Jake and Erica (Bachelor Pad, Connor and Jacoby): 5 points. Jake kissed Erica (5 points each) this week, which couldn’t have felt good, because Erica is so full of collagen it looks like she has a frozen Han Solo trapped in her upper lip.

Graham (Bachelor Pad, Connor): 5 points. Graham kissed Michelle this week (5 points) after this exchange:

Michelle Money: "I think you're great."
Graham: "You barely know me."
Michelle Money: "I know."

Michelle Money is ready to stop playing Rope-a-dope and unleash her true self, a drink-throwing, coitus-denying, STD-scare-having GRTFL all-star.

To read the whole thing, go to grantland.com.

BP 2, episode 3: All done

2011-08-23T00:16:00.001-07:00

I scribbled notes as per usual this episode but I'm going off-book on this baby. And I'll make it short. I simply can't, in good faith, continue with this show. I feel to do so would just support it. I think the producers play a bigger role than we're led to believe, although that's just a hunch. And I think they believe a villain makes for good TV so they keep Kasey and Vienna around. Maybe they're right, but we don't want to see the villains win. Do we? The bad guys won last season and they're on target to win again this season. And if the producers have nothing to do with who stays and who goes, then I care even less because everyone on the show is too stupid to do the right thing. When King Ding-a-Ling was awarded the last rose, sending Jake home, it just hit home how far out of touch I am with the whole thing. How can any of those losers possibly keep Kermit around? It just boggles the mind. It makes zero sense from a personal standpoint, and it makes no sense from a practical standpoint.

Personal: He's weird and delusional and prickly, not to mention a real "jenius".
Practical: By all indications, he and the Drama Queen are the power couple who are the biggest threat to anyone else winning. Breaking them up would give everyone else a much better chance of winning.

So why keep him around? How is it that bland Jake needs to be sent home? People see how Vienna acts, they see the bickering between her and Kasey, yet they believe Jake was the true villain in that relationship? There's not even the shadow of a doubt? The return of David and Natalie this week cemented my opinion of the game aspect of this show – it sucks big time.

So that's that. Opinions?

And for the love of all that's good in the world, that masked man schtick at the end was old the first episode. I believe now he was a plant from the beginning. Remember when Chris Harrison said he was the most talked-about person in the history of the show? Did anyone ever talk about him? The guy had no charisma, no looks and no sense of humour yet now he's the clown prince? Bah!

BP 2, episode 2: A Love-Hate Relationship

2011-08-18T13:45:00.001-07:00

Hey there, folks. I realize it's almost pointless for me to weigh in three days after the fact but I also realize it's just slightly less pointless for me to weigh in at all at any time. I was away on vacay, saw the show, scribbled some notes, but was just too tired to write them out here for you until we got home. So here I am.

I think I have a real problem with this series. I mean, there's lots to love but lots to hate, too. The absolute worst aspect to the whole thing for me is the actual game. I wish I knew how to tweak it. Maybe if I spent ten seconds on it I could come up with better rules but I couldn't be bothered. Besides, they're the professionals. There's good drama there, some decent comedy (minus trying to ram the masked man down our throats at show's end every week – it's not in the least bit funny and maybe the exact opposite), but I can't stand the competitive aspect of it. Maybe it's in the editing but how does one explain the train wreck that is King Ding-a-Ling (aka Kermit, aka Kasey) and the Drama Queen Vienna? By all accounts, everyone should be – and could easily be – ganging up on them to break them up or vote them both off, but when it comes down to it, we get two otherwise likable characters (Ella and Jackie) who have done nothing to prove they are threatening to be champs that must go. We're obviously not seeing everything.

I mean, you have Blake saying King Ding-a-Ling "carries as much clout as a gust of wind". You have King Ding-a-Ling telling Jake, "People just don't like you. You're a bad person. No one wants you here," and others looking on in disgust. Yet they want him around? Makes no sense whatsoever.

I'd much prefer just a vote. That is, do all the little competitions along the way, then have a vote without all the factions and shenanigans. You can't stop people from talking to each other, but it wouldn't be such a big part of the show. Oh, but that's what keeps people watching, goes the argument. Balderdash, says I. I watch in spite of that nonsense. If the fun and games along the way were the slightest bit less entertaining, I'd ditch this show in a second because of the Machiavellianism. Simply have them vote as individuals. That in itself would be more exciting. We wouldn't know who was going to get picked. There's no need for factions that I can see. Everybody is in it for themselves anyway.

Okay, let me dig out my notes.

The point of the Paintball Competition, as far as I could tell, was to test the throwing arm of the contestants. Most direct hits wins. Who they selected as their personal target was irrelevant. So why, then, would they all pick on Erika as the one they're least attracted to? I get that she was the biggest target, but why pile on? Why did they also choose her for the one they wanted to go home? She's an insignifant non-entity in this game. And if those answers reflected their actual opinion, why, when it came down to it, did they whittle the choices down to Ella and Jackie, two other insignificant non-entities, game-wise?

Also, you had to love how the Drama Queen and her King Ding-a-Ling both bragged about being softball and baseball players yet both threw like girls... that is, girls who can't throw.

Kasey has got to have the most misplaced confidence of any contestant in the history of Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Maybe of anyone ever. There's not a doubt in my mind that the producers are behind him staying on the show. They think they need someone people love to hate. They're wrong. In game shows, people tend to watch because they like a given contestant, not dislike. And what's a note any producer in film or TV gives a screenwriter? The character has to be more likable. It defies logic that he and Vienna are still around. The other contestants are not that thick. Why are they keeping them around?

Michael won the men's Paintball Toss so he chose Erica, Michelle and Holly for his date. Michael admitted that his two biggest fears are abandoned buildings and hospitals. Talk about two random fears. And coincidentally the date took place in an abandoned hospital! What stunningly bad luck! (No, I'm not daft. It was no luck at all.)

Michael gave the rose to his ex-fiancée, Holly. One interesting tidbit was that they met at the wrap party to his season. But why was she there? She wasn't on his season, since she was never The Bachelorette. I guess they just invite all ex-contestants. More chance of there being a hook-up and potential life-long relationship so the producers can use it as an example of love on the show. They're hoping to expand on their already impressive record of two marriages in however many seasons this thing has been running.

Melissa won the women's Paintball Challenge and chose my three least favourite guys: Kirk, King Ding-a-Ling, and Blake. I forgot all about Melissa's first appearance on national TV with Brad. In fact, I still don't remember it, but apparently she came off as a crazy person. This time around didn't fair any better for her. She came off a tad possessive with the duplicitous Blake, who whored himself out for a rose but has a thing going with Holly.

Did you notice the sloppy editing? Again, we'd see a guy lounging around in a t-shirt with drama swirling. Cut to him talking to the camera in a jacket and tie saying he's got to talk to so-and-so, then back to the action with him in t-shirt approaching whoever.

When Chris Harrison drops the bombshell that instead of one man and one woman being voted off, it'll be two women (for reasons not bothered to be explained), things get interesting... for all of five seconds. Gia walks on principle because Graham betrayed her trust to King Ding-a-Ling, sniffling that everyone is so sneaky. This coming from the gal who tried to sneakily get King Ding-a-Ling booted out. I mean, I appreciated her efforts but it was no less sneaky than anyone else. With Gia gone, it comes down to one woman needing to be voted off. And as clear as mud it's down to Ella or Jackie because... well, you know... um... they're relatively normal? That's the best I can come up with. Talk about your false dichotomy! No one mentions the delusional Drama Queen Vienna or the girl everyone tagged with paint balls.

Jackie is the one voted out and this leads to more craziness. She and Ames had a thing going so he walks her to her limo. The limo starts to drive off then stops. He walks back to the group then decides to run off with Jackie because he loves her so much. First off, how did the limo know to stop? Secondly, he started filming this show immediately following The Bachelorette, in which he fell in love with Ashley. That's twice falling in love in a matter of, what?, a few weeks or month? Nice work, Ames! Thirdly, this isn't The Bachelorette or The Bachelor. He wasn't there to fall in love with someone else once Jackie was forced to leave. Why not stick around for a couple more weeks tops and try to win big bucks so he and Jackie can enjoy it? There was no need for him to run off like that. At the very least he'd see her again at the wrap party.

That's about it. So much to hate about this series, yet so much to love. So I'll be back on Monday and will be more prompt with my next post.

Bachelor Pad 2: Are we doing this?

2011-08-09T00:39:00.000-07:00

Who's in for Bachelor Pad? Anyone? Who got scared away by the 3-hour time slot? God, I loves me some Bachelor action, but three hours? Yeah, yeah, I watched it, but still.

It was a fun premier episode but I'm such a sore loser when the people I want out aren't voted out, it spoils the whole thing for me. How are the two dimmest bulbs in the house the power couple? Why is anyone following their lead? I just don't get it. Makes absolutely no sense. Didn't they watch Vienna and Kasey on their respective seasons? What am I missing?

The show did a great job, for the most part, of re-introducing us to the characters and giving their back story. I won't recap it all here for you because I'm guessing you watched it. I'll just offer a few opinions each week.

Obviously the big storyline was the reunion, of sorts, of Jake and Vienna. If the world had any sympathy for Vienna after the break-up that shook the world, I think it's safe to say it has vanished. She remains a duplicitous nut-job. The fact she's hooked up with Batty Kasey is awesome. We here at Bachelor Blog wish them the best. The Wrassler (still one of my favourite guys of all time on this show) said it best when he described this power couple as Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy.

Actually, the Wrassler had lots of good lines tonight. He called Alli a drunken moron and a 24-year-old with big fake boobs, and got Kasey again by calling him King Ding-a-Ling. The only person who makes me laugh more than the Wrassler is Ames, who wasn't much of a presence this week but still had a great unintentional laugh. It wasn't what he said (I didn't even jot it down) but his delivery. And I'm not laughing at him. I genuinely like the guy. I'd give anything for him to be the next Bachelor.

Did you catch the sloppy continuity? Early on, we saw Vienna holding a tumbler with a whiskey-coloured drink then it cuts back to her reacting and she's holding a tall glass with dark liquid in it. Not a huge deal, but it shows how they find reaction shots from other situations and plug them into scenes. Later, we're watching Jake in his suit at the house. Then we see him tell us he needs to speak to King Ding-a-Ling and he's wearing a ratty t-shirt and ball cap. Cut to him approaching King Ding-a-Ling wearing the suit again. The next day we see Jake wearing the t-shirt/cap combo so that's when he told us he needed to speak to da King, not the night before when he actually did speak to him. Oh, reality TV, don't take us for fools just because we waste three hours watching you.

Back to the power couple, the Drama Queen and King Ding-a-Ling found themselves fighting it out with their arch-rival Prince Smiles-a-lot in the challenge. Jake and Jackie out-lasted them in the Couples Hang (or whatever nonsense they call the competition). And wasn't Vienna just the perfect empathetic partner? When King Ding-a-Ling (I think this nickname is going to stick) sat brooding in the pool, the Drama Queen (likewise) sat stewing beside him. She couldn't contain herself for long before blurting out, "I was king of expecting a little bit more from you." Her M.O., it appears from tonight's show and upcoming highlights, is to goad KDL then get defensive when he reacts. She is so not worth the needless and endless drama.

When Jake and Jackie were given an extra rose to hand out to one lucky person, Jake foolishly gave it to Vienna because a Prince always needs to be perceived as a Prince. He wanted one little sit-down with the royal couple and he was contrite and apologetic for raising his voice to her on national TV. To his face, Vienna looked touched. Maybe she was, who knows? But once she had time to compose herself, she said it was torture having to sit and listen to him, saying "it literally made me sick". She then called him a phony robot and a complete monster. To prove her undying devotion to Kermit... er, I mean King Ding-a-Ling... she whispered to him, "You're my everything. I'm serious." You know you have trust issues when you have to follow up words of love with "I'm serious." She followed it with, "I'm gonna marry you. And I'm gonna have your babies." To drive her point home, they go to the bedroom and she whips off her panties right there on TV and climbs into bed with the King. Yes, it was a grainy black & white video that looked like surveillance footage, but I'm sure she must have been told cameras would be in all the rooms. Let's hope they conceived right then and there.

But let's face it, that was a brutally stupid move by Jake to give her the rose. He just wanted a chance to talk to them but he had hours after his date with Jackie to sit down with them. Meanwhile, he left his best bud Gia worried about her future. Jake said he'd "seriously disappoint and confuse some people no matter who I give it to." Uh, not quite, Jakester. Everyone, Vienna included, figured you'd do the right thing and give it to Gia. Nobody would have been confused by that.

But Gia was safe, as it turned out. And so was King Ding-a-Ling, who I really wanted to see go. Gone instead were the Wrassler and Alli. It'll be a less fun show without our Canadian bad boy there but the upcoming highlights look promising. Somebody calls Blake a sociopath. I never liked Blake but can't put my finger on it. He does give off that sociopath vibe, though, so maybe that's it. We'll see. Then we have King Ding-a-Ling saying his beloved Drama Queen is more of a fame whore than Jake. And the Queen implies that she cares more about the money than she does the man she wants to make babies with.

Usually at the end of every show we get to see some bloopers or funny little segment that never made it to air. Tonight they decided to go the skit route by having the Masked Man climb the fence, peep in through the window, then take a dump while reading a People magazine about Ashley and Bentley. Boo to this. The reality is manufactured enough in this franchise without making it blatantly so.

But I'll be back. There are big problems with the game but I'm not sure what they are. I'd love to hear your opinions on the matter. It's entertaining, but still it could be better. And it still bugs the hell out of me that they don't announce the votes on the elimination. I want to know who all received votes. The way it is now smacks too much of Bush over Gore and we know how that worked out.

Week 11: "Wow, I didn't see this one coming"

2011-08-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

The title says it all. And while I share Ben's sentiment, I also kinda figured Ashley would choose the underwhelming J.P. It makes perfect sense. She was warned away from Bentley, which only served to draw her closer to him. And then big sis warned her away from J.P. She's a feisty one, that Ashley. Nobody tells her who to love. She'll love them despite everyone. But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's back up a bit. I like to go in order.

We started out the most dramatic season finale ever (and this time, maybe they got it right) with the requisite flashbacks with the voice-over asking, "But will he propose?" Who's in charge of continuity in this series? It was less than 24 hours ago that we saw both Ben and J.P. getting down and proposing to Ashley. The producers have zero confidence in their product. They just can't believe viewers watch each episode.

Tonight was the night we saw the boys meet Ashley's family in Fiji. And it might very well have been the best meeting of the family in series history. Not only because Amy Winehouse came back from the black to guest star, but because she called it as she saw it. Japes, not the funnest guy to begin with, was a little stiff meeting Ashley's mom, step-dad, brother and sister. He made Ames look like Andy Dick. Big sister Chrystie noticed this right off the bat and asked Ashley at the dinner table if J.P. makes her laugh. Ashley stumbled through an answer and the rest, as they say, is history. Tears flowed, accusations thrown, names called. And despite her typical big sister ways, Chrystie, I think, nailed it. And the best part is she didn't back down. She told J.P. what she thought flat-out (he's too old and "demure" for the wild and crazy Ashley) and just can't see them together long-term. Then in a tete-a-tete with Ashley, Chrystie didn't soften one iota. It was awesome.

Ash's mom told Ashley to follow her heart which is just about the last thing in the world Ashley should do. She has one of the stupidest hearts we've seen on this show. It doesn't know what's best for her. The best advice would be to listen carefully to what her heart is telling her... and then do the exact opposite.

Chrystie told J.P. that she wouldn't be happy if he proposed, questioned why a man of his age would be single (he's 34), and said there wasn't anything he could do to turn things around. Yeah, yeah, she did her mea culpa on the After The Final Rose show, but she had little choice.

When the two sisters sat down and hashed it out, Chrystie rightfully pointed out to Ash that her heart (or gut) once led her to the cretinous Bentley, too, so how could she trust it now? She said she wants to protect Ashley from herself. And mentioned, on a few occasions, that she's a rational person (despite the poor choices she made with body art) rather than an emotional one like younger sister. That's exactly how I am, too. And I have those types of discussions with friends and loved ones where they're all emotional and I'm trying to shove rationality down their throats and I can see now how horribly frustrating it must be to listen to someone like me. But here's my argument for rationality over emotion: How do emotional people get over some negative emotion that's got them all in a tizzy? They eventually use their brains to get through it. Why not just skip the middle man?

J.P. was pissed off at Chrystie and wasn't all too thrilled with Ashley's reaction, either. He wanted more support from her. The guy is fragile. How many times did he talk about heartbreak tonight? And how many times have we heard about his last bout of heartbreak? Is it possible Ashley chose him because she didn't want to have to deal with the fallout of breaking his heart?

Next up was Ben, who wowed the Hebert family, sister included. Throughout the show, I was so impressed with him. He's young, good-looking, successful, thoughtful, fun, articulate, intelligent, and does ridiculous dog voices. And he and Ashley seemed like the perfect match. When he was interrogated by Chrystie, I thought he must have been tipped off about what to say because he nailed it. He told her he was in love with Ashley, said he could tell she was in love with him by where the laughter was coming from (fending off the question of whether he makes her laugh), and stated that they were at the right age and points in their careers (i.e. not an old geezer like J.P.).

One knock on Chrystie's otherwise sound arguments came when she wondered if they would be able to maintain that upbeat, positive energy long-term. Afterall, she said, she's been married and divorced. Well, that explains things. Methinks Chrystie has unreasonably high expectations of marriage. Long-term relationships have ebbs and flows. It's not all dance dance party party all the time.

On their last date, Ashley and Ben sauntered along. Ashley asked Ben what he expected. He had no idea. I seriously was thinking he should say helicopter because it is The Bachelorette, afterall. And sure enough, there's a helicopter. It whisked them away to a healing mud bath where the two of them caressed mud all over each other erotically. That night, he finally tells her he loves her and they start kissing, their walls fall down and they're like two kids in love. She wraps her leg over him as they make out, revealing a zit on her bum. Yes, like two kids, indeed. But it's scenes like this, and the numerous other make-out scenes with Ben, that I just know must be eating away at J.P. How can a jealous guy like that watch what she had with Ben and just let it slide?

On her date with Japes, he also tells her that he's in love with her, upping the ante by including "madly". They also kiss, but it lacks what she showed with Ben. A hint, though, did pass her lips. As she pulled away, she said, "You're the best ever." Okay, but with Ben, she never pulled away.

J.P. also made a visit to the props department and got them to put together a photo album. Then he headed over to the writers' room and got them to pen the most obsequious note, which, natch, she fell for:

My dearest Ashley,
This is the first chapter to the greatest love story ever told. The past few months have been the happiest of my life and I can't wait to see what the future holds. Meeting you has changed my life forever and falling in love with you is the best thing that has ever happened to me. When we look back years from now, still happy and very much in love, we'll always remember this time in our lives when Ashley and J.P. first began. I love you, baby, with all my heart and I can't wait for the next chapter.
Love always,
J

Ashley told us she gets lost in J.P. and she's totally infatuated with him. Me, I don't get it, but then again it's not for me to get. I think he's one of the least charismatic finalists we've seen in a long time. Maybe she was looking for a father figure. And when we saw her printing in her diary (yes, she allowed the camera to film part of her diary entry), you really got a sense of just how young she is. Printing? I've heard from teacher friends that cursive writing is on the outs but this is the first I've seen of it from an adult, let alone a near-dentist.

Then it comes time to break Ben's heart. And despite her making the wrong choice, it was perhaps the best break-up in series history. Going into it, Ben was as confident as we've seen him all season. He talked about proposing to her and saying "she will say yes". He called their relationship a fairy tale (little did he know it was a Grimm fairy tale) and tearfully spoke of his deceased father, whom he lost 4.5 years ago but he'd be getting a new family member today. Ouch.

He strode confidently up to her. Her first words were, "Um... I..." and Ben took that as a cue he was the guy. So he took over, telling her how completely and utterly vulnerable he was. To prove his point, he got down on one knee, opened the ring box, flashed a big smile and said, "Will you marry me and make me the happiest man on Earth?"

Doh! And so began the greatest exit in series history. "Wow. I didn't see this one coming." As Chris Harrison said later, it was one of the most genuine reactions they've ever seen on this show. Finally, someone who doesn't walk back arm in arm. He simply said, "I guess that's it, right?" and walked off. Ashley caught up to him telling him how much she cares about him. "What I don't need you to do is sugarcoat it." This was Ben's shining moment. He showed emotion and intelligence with this gem: "You can't leave something like this on good terms. It's not possible. Good things don't end unless they end badly." He's a wise sage, that Ben.

Yay, Ben! Ben for the next Bachelor. That's a given, right?

I don't know why he thought J.P. was a safer bet than him, though. Because he and Ashley both live on the east coast? I can't think of any other reason. After sitting with the producers and saying there were no hints along the way, they gave Ben an Eskimo funeral, putting him onto a small boat and sending him to sea. Actually, we know from the After the Final Rose show that he took several flights back home, so where was that motorboat taking him? It was heading to the open waters.

When J.P. showed up, it was anti-climactic. Ashley said she thought Japes would make the best husband and the best father. Maybe. She's know better than us. I just didn't see anything that suggested he'd be any better or worse a husband or father than Ben. When he couldn't wipe the perma-smile off his face, Ashley said she always tells him he's going to get wrinkles when he's older. All I could think was he's got them now.

On After The Final Rose, the crowd cheered over the announcement of the selection. Am I completely out to lunch on this? Since I don't read anything about the show, I have no idea what the people think. Wasn't Ben the favourite? But maybe the ladies were cheering because it meant that Ben was still available.

You know I'm not a fan of the endless recaps in this series. It's bad enough when it's only been one week since the last episode, but how ridiculous is it to show recaps when what they're recapping occurred five minutes ago?!

Ashley continues to redefine her look, coming out as a dark brunette this time with her hair parted on the other side. Just when I was getting used to her old new look. When Ben sarcastically said, "Nice ring," there were gasps from the ladies. Jeezus, people are overly sensitive.

Ben asked her when she knew she'd chosen J.P. She replied that at one point she thought it would be Ben, but "it gets to a point where you have to follow your heart and that's what I did." Uh, can I have a follow-up? When exactly was that point, was the question. Was it that day, earlier in the week, day one? When? What kind of non-answer was that? She has a career in politics ahead of her.

Then we were treated to a special sneak-peak of a new series... for nine minutes yet! The only thing worse is that I think it sucked me in. Damn you, ABC.

The line of the night goes to Chrystie for accepting J.P. Rosenbaum into the family by talking about the amazing Christmases they'll have together. Classic.

So that's it. I guess I wish them the best. We only get to see a fraction of their relationship so maybe she made the right choice. It's highly unlikely, given her heart's faulty intelligence, but one never knows, do one?

Week 10: Some men tell some

2011-08-01T01:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the special The Men Tell All episode. These episodes are always more fun imagining what they might be like rather than what it turns out to be. They're given two hours and what do they do? More recaps and long promo pieces for the upcoming Bachelor Pad. When they get around to airing out their differences, they do a couple gripes and move on. I'd rather see two hours of infighting, but that's just me.

Early in the process, host Chris Harrison suggested that during the segment on Bentley they would discuss whether the producers of the show should have informed Ashley of what they knew. For a brief moment, I not only thought I'd finally get an answer to something that really irked me, but I thought maybe they even read this space. I kind of exist in a vacuum. I know there are dozens and dozens of other Bachelor/ette blogs out in cyberspace but I don't read a single one of them. So I'm going to go on believing none of them harped on the subject and that the powers that be read my entries.

But despite Harrison alluding to it in the intro, nary a mention was made when it came time to rehash the Bentley situation. And what a disappointing segment that turned out to be. Most people were probably expecting this segment to be the juiciest but they barely talked about it. What we did find out was former villain and former beauty Michelle was the one who texted Ashley about Bentley's intentions. No wonder Ashley disregarded the warning. Beyond that, we heard Blake call Bentley a "narcissist, liar and a coward." End scene.

Later Ashley, in proving that she's completely over Bentley, shed more tears in talking about him. Yup, totally over him. And despite the process completely proving her instincts to be horrible, she declared she'll continue to be guided by her heart: "That's how I live my life and I'll never change that." Yeah, why change what's so clearly working for you?

Another Harrison head-scratcher: He called the masked man "easily the most talked about person in the history of the show." Really? Not Bentley? Not Wes? Not any number of now-forgotten weirdos?

In a segment on formerly unseen footage, it flew by. They'd run the clip, that was neither informative nor particularly entertaining, then quickly move on to the next one, ending on a shot of Vaseline on the night table next to Ashley's bed. It's not what you think it's for. But she should have pretended it was because her real answer was a complete turn-off: she rubs Vaseline all over her lips and lower face before going to bed. "You don't want to sleep next to me," she said. How did she know?!

One thing that struck me during the elongated promo for Bachelor Pad was how quickly I forget the names of people I spent ridiculing for a whole season. I can't even remember which season they were a part of. But I think I'll be watching anyway.

Oh, poor sweet William. Does everyone hate him? Am I the only one who sympathizes with him? He's the only one who understood what a roast was and he was vilified for it. Sure, in hindsight, he shouldn't have made the joke about wanting Emily or what's-her-face (see?) instead of Ashley, but there's no way he would have made the joke if that's what he really thought. But wasn't it adorable seeing him sitting there with his fingers in his ears while his highlight reel played?

And poor sweet Ryan. I admit it was kind of cringe-inducing when he proudly stated he read three books of questions (?) to prepare for the show as an example of him taking the process seriously, I don't think he should be ridiculed for it, as I'm sure he will be. He's just an earnest well-meaning guy. Cut him some slack.

Ames proved to be the crowd favourite. And since he's a contestant on the upcoming BP, I bet the producers are slapping their foreheads now. He probably should have been selected as the next Bachelor judging by the reaction he received tonight. And oh how I'd love that. It would be the best season ever. Ames told Chris he took it slow with Ashley because he wanted the relationship to last forever, presumably something he learned from the ancient Greek philosopher Aesop.

Then we were treated to the usual assortment of past contestants (is that what you call them?). Apparently Trista and Ryan were unavailable. Now we'll never know how their kids are doing and how much they still love each other... Hey, wait a minute... Maybe they're relationship is on the rocks? How else to explain their absence? Let's start that rumour! And while we're at it, we can start the "Ali has let herself go" rumour based on the muumuu she was sporting. Isn't that why people wear them? Anyway, we got Ali, Jason and DeAnna and they all commiserated with poor Ashley. At least that's how it sounded even though Ashley is "very very happy."

Later tonight we'll find out what happens. The promos showed both JP and Ben getting down on one knee and proposing. The voice-over asked which one, if any, she would choose. I think she'll go with Ben. So put your money on JP because I'm usually wrong.

Week 9: Ashley loses her flower

2011-07-25T23:40:00.001-07:00

Come on, America, get your act together! What's all this nonsense about a lowered credit rating? And what the hell does it have to do with Ashley? Why did it take a chunk out of my PVR-recorded viewing of The Bachelorette tonight? Couldn't Obama's little talk (I saw his mug as I was fast-forwarding through it) wait? Someone needs to invent a PVR that senses ridiculous interruptions to quality TV programming and adds on the extra time at the end. Because as it was, I got rudely cut off just as Ashley and Japes were getting ready to toss the camera crew from the fantasy suite. I have no idea what happened after that and won't until tomorrow or whenever ABC.com decides to put up the whole episode. I'm assuming not much happened because she's down to her final two.

This episode saw the endlessly chipper Ryan returning to ask Ashley for one more chance. 'No regrets' was his motto. Well, maybe he'll regret embarrassing himself on national television again, but other than that nothing.

He knocked on her door, sat her down and proceeded to rehash their last date, reminding Ashley exactly why she dumped him in the first place without even giving him the chance of a rose ceremony. He told her he went home after that fateful date and got right back into the swing of things. For what? Two days? He just left the show. But he couldn't get his mind off her so he called somebody named Chris. I think we're supposed to believe that's Chris Harrison, but my guess is there's a producer with real decision-making duties, as opposed to the talking head with the hosting duties by the name of Chris. He said he told this Chris person, "I know I'm not supposed to do this." Damn straight. That move is just unprecedented in the history of this series. We did not see anything of the sort coming. I was blown away someone would even attempt such a bold move. That move is almost as rare as the elusive helicopter sighting on this show.

Was this Ryan's last audition for the upcoming season of The Bachelor? Yeah, probably. He's Jake 2.0. He's the successful all-American boy who everyone loves. It's only a matter of time before he finds love, loses love, then wishes his ex would fall off a cliff to her death.

One commenter last week mentioned Ames' perma-smile. Ryan, too, has a smile problem. His is that he doesn't know how to contain himself, doesn't quite know when to flash that gushing smile. He said effusively, "I wanna spend more time with you so bad," practically shooting lasers from his eyes into Ashley's and working his dimples overtime, and she sat there staring blankly back at him. It was painful to watch, him with his breathless call-me-crazy misguided gosh-darn enthusiasm; her with her mind scrambling to find a way not to hurt him. She eventually came up with, "I can't believe you flew all the way over here!" Yes, that was quite a sacrifice, you must admit. Fiji's a real hole.

For a moment I thought Ashley was just insecure enough that she might be taken with a successful man actually professing unwavering devotion to her. I mean, she's constantly worried that the guys aren't going to like her and just leave. I think she's just afraid of success. So she did break it to Ryan gently that she's just not that into him. He took it like a man, or reasonable facsimile. He hugged her and told her he was so happy for her before choking back tears. Tears of happiness, of course. Because he was just so goldarn happy.

The date with Ben was hot and heavy. Ben nailed it when he described them as giddy little school children. On a yacht, he sprayed sunscreen on Ash and desperately tried to rub it through her bikini top. He wasn't trying to cop a feel. Not at all. He knows the devastating effect the sun can have through padded bras.

Then Ashley straddled Big Ben and rubbed sunscreen onto Ben's boobs. A true case of tit for tat if there ever was one.

While on the high seas, Ashley announced, "I lost my flower." A sign of things to come in the fantasy suite.

Ashley said that if she and Ben were to spend their lives together, she felt there would never be a dull moment. Well, except for when he opens his mouth. Other than that, though, snorkelling in Fiji is just another typical weekend for this sommelier. Ben is so exciting, he brought out the colours in the fish.

Ben talks a big game, but when the game is on the line, he chokes. He was telling us he was going to tell Ashley he loves her. Here's his attempt: "My feelings are growing and I'm on my way to the whole 'I love you' thing." Swing and a miss!

Throughout dinner, Ashley looked like I'd never seen her before. I think it was the best she's ever looked, but I could be wrong. Maybe it was just the sex face. She knew tonight was the night. "I'm hoping tonight he'll show me how he feels," is how she put it. Yeah, we're picking up what you're laying down, Ash. When doing the little tour of the suite, she points to the bed and says, "This is where we're going to sleep." That's a first, I do believe. Before it's always been implied (as Constantine so artfully put it) but there was always the possibility that the couple just stay up all night talking or one of them sleeps on the couch. But not tonight. Ashley couldn't wait to lose her flower again.

Constantine's date was on ... wait for it ... a helicopter! Okay, nothing new to report there. But it was accompanied by one of the best lines in franchise history. Ashley said, "I'm gonna be his first helicopter ride!" Nuff said. Let's move on.

As they're flying off to their date, we see Ryan alone on the beach (before being dumped for the second time). He's saying he's been there for a couple of days and he's just waiting for that knock on the door from Ashley. We see him walking on the beach, sitting in a cool rock formation, and I'm thinking, "Buddy, shouldn't you be at your hotel room awaiting this knock? Maybe you missed her already."

Anyway, back to the Greek God. The two of them found a waterfall and a cliff. You just know at this point she's going to confuse the figurative with the literal as everyone does on this show. And sure enough, she's telling us how important it is in a relationship to take a leap of faith with a partner. And off they went, off the edge and into the drink. I found it odd that she was wearing panties as the bottom half of her bikini, but who am I to judge?

On their picnic, she has a heart-to-heart with the slow-moving Constantine. She tells him he thinks things through before making a decision. And she said this like it's a bad thing. She asked him, "Are you ever consumed by your emotion?" She wasn't looking for an answer so much as criticizing him for be rational. This coming from the woman who fell head-over-heels for a slimeball she was warned was there for the wrong reasons. Sometimes using your head isn't such a bad thing, missy.

Constantine wasn't feeling her the way he thought he should be so he bailed without even some free gratuitous sex in the fantasy suite. There would be no helicopter rides on this night. I was wondering if she'd even offer the card to him but it didn't get that far. After he walked off, she brought the card out and held the key. She had the whole place to herself. And you know what that implies. I thought maybe she should have gone to Ryan (whom she still hadn't rejected) with the card and given him a little sumpin-sumpin for his efforts.

The last date was with Japes the Jealous Man. He didn't want to talk to her about his feelings regarding the other men but they were evident. Then later he said, "I can just be myself" around her. Uh, not so much. Can you imagine if she chose JP what it would be like watching tonight's episode with him as she dry humps Ben on the boat? It would be over.

That's as far as I got thanks to Obama and my PVR. Did I miss anything good? As soon as I watch the end, if I have anything further to say, I'll add it to the bottom of this post.

UPDATE!: Just finished watching the end on the trusty internet. So let me get to it. My PVR quit right before it got good. Ashley and Japes were in the fantasy suite the last I saw. What I missed was Ashley excusing herself to get into something more comfortably and more revealing. She returned wearing Shaquille O'Neal's dress shirt and hopped onto the bed striking a seductive pose. Man, she's full on, this girl. She makes Jillian look positively virginal. As I wrote last night, in the past the notion of sex in the suite has always been inferred and implied but never so outright as it was this episode. I have no problem with it but I'm just concerned for her after she chooses the final guy. He'll watch the episode and see her making the same moves with another guy. In the past, the Bachelor/ette could always tell a white lie and say nothing more than cuddling happened but she'll have a harder go of it this time.

I also wondered about her timing. She could have waited until the crew left before exposing her horniness. As it was, she laid there pantsless making out on the bed with Japes and the camera just slowly backed out of the room. You could almost hear them whispering, "Uh, we'll just leave now. Don't get up."

Also in the after-the-fact conjecturing, if she chooses Japes, how will he take to her characterization of her relationship with Ben, saying she feels she's the most compatible with him? We know J.P. isn't the most carefree guy in the world.

Speaking of feelings, what about Constantine sitting at home with his family watching this episode? Chris Harrison asked Ashley which was harder, saying goodbye to Constantine or Ryan. She answered Ryan "because I just think he's a good guy." What's the subtext there? Constantine's a jerk? Then again, he probably didn't hear it over his family talking and dancing.

So they had a rose ceremony despite there being two roses for two bachelors. And Ashley felt this was the most important one to date because love is a two-way street and the guys will have to feel the same way for her as she does for them. Um, hasn't she been watching? Is she absolutely clueless? She has no read on whether a guy is into her or not. I think this is what her sister will tell her in the dramatic finale next week, judging by the upcoming highlights. And her sister knows about bad decisions. Her body art will attest to that.

Methinks the rose ceremony was a lot of false drama. Ashley said she'd be devastated if one of them didn't accept the rose. Chris Harrison might have reminded her that not a single contestant in the history of the show has ever refused a rose at a ceremony. Not a one. They leave before it gets to that point.

I wondered in the past if Chris Harrison watched the show, too. Maybe he doesn't because when Ben and Japes were standing there pre-rose, Chris said, "I know you're wondering where Constantine is. I'll let Ashley explain." Ashley already explained it to J.P. So maybe Harrison was just addressing Ben.

And what was with the pregnant pause between the calling of the names? There was only one guy there. She knew she'd be handing it out to him. I missed Harrison coming out just before the last rose. He could have said, "Gentlemen... Ashley... as you can see, there's one rose left. It's going to J.P. Spoiler alert."

So they're going with a Sunday night Men Tell All episode this time. It should be a doozy. I'll be there. Hopefully there'll be no press conference to interrupt the proceedings this time.

Week 8: A less enticing ending

2011-07-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

Are we running out of steam this season? For the first time in a long time, there were no comments to last week's post. We're only eight weeks in. Is this season less juicy than others? Did their one-week hiatus for the July 4th holiday take everyone out of their routine? Did the new look mesmerize you? Or did I just nail it and nothing more need be said?

Regardless, I will see the season through! The hometown visits are always fun just to see some of the pieces of work these people come from. Every man and woman in the history of this show has parroted the belief that extended families are a very important gauge to a relationship. This week, in fact, Little Ben went so far as to say that if his mom and sister didn't approve of a girl, he couldn't marry her. He said this three times.

If families are important, all four have red flags but none so red or flaggy it couldn't be overcome. Let's go through them in order.

As I mentioned last week, Constantine's Greekness could be problematic if his parents want their son to marry a nice Greek girl, which Ashley definitely isn't. They seemed super friendly and welcoming, but Elleni, the mom, let slip that if an outsider were to infiltrate the clan, she'd make sure a conversion took place. She said, "I think we'll have a little meeting to turn her into an honorary Greek. Pull her into the club." Vindication of sorts for me!

We know by now everyone's favourite oddball intellectual, Ames, was the odd man out and didn't move on, so there's little point discussing his hometown visit. But being a big NBA fan I was thrilled he was from a place called Chadds Ford, Pennsylvania (I won't explain it. That'll be a little gift to any other NBA fan out there). Ames' sister raved about her younger brother, saying he was the most loyal and honest person anyone could meet. And, curiously, she also said he's romantic. Um, red flag anyone? Then she relayed her reconnaissance mission to Ames in a strategy session. Her suggestion: Up the romance. My suggestion would have been: Tuck in your underpants. But that's just me. So to prove he's not a robot, he took Ashley to his favourite tree. C'mon, cut him some slack. It's what the Italian renaissance thinkers would have done.

Next up was the frontrunner, Little Ben, who had previously only ever brought one date back to the homestead to meet mom. First he takes her on a picnic to his winery where she tastes Ben's wines, if you get what I'm saying. Actually, that's exactly what they did. But don't you think it sounds like a great euphemism? Let's all try to adapt that to our lives.

Ben's family made Ames' bookish clan look positively hot-blooded and carefree. What a morose twosome his mom and sister made. And then it was Ben's turn, getting all emotional talking to the camera. What a barrel o' fun holidays in Sonoma must be.

Finally it was on to Long Island where Ashley could meet the family of last week's pout-fest. JP took Ashley roller skating because... he's retro? No, because he's just old and that's what he did in his youth. They edited out what came next: a trip to the drug store for a cherry sarsaparilla soda. When they got to JP's home, everyone was overly concerned about his fragile psyche, not wanting him to get his heart broken again. This guy gets in deep, apparently. I don't look forward to the moment he gets dropped by Ashley. It could be ugly.

Turns out JP is Jewish. Who knew? The skinhead haircut threw me. At one point, his mom brought out a huge photo of a 13-year-old JP taken at his bar mitzvah. It was very cute, but it gave me the same pause as with Constantine. I know every mother's dream is for her son to find the woman of his dreams and live happily ever after, but many a Jewish mother want that woman to be a nice Jewish girl. And fair enough, maybe that isn't the case in this situation. I'm just saying Ashley should get that cleared up before she goes any further and deeper with Japes, for both their sakes.

Out of those four, it was clear Ames was the one to go just because there was no spark there. But who didn't like the guy? Of the remaining three, we've got the Greek family man, the Jewish family man, and the brooding family man. All signs point to Big Ben. Back at the mansion, talking to Chris Harrison, Ashley told him that "Ben surprised me. He planned such a good date." I'm sure that took quite a lot of planning to grab a couple sandwiches and sit on the grass on his own property sipping wine that very property makes. So you know she's smitten when that little effort gets blown out of proportion.

Chris Harrison continues to amuse. He offered up the second-best line of the night: "So you left Sonoma. Where did you go from there?" What does he have to do all week but track her every move then sit down for two minutes and talk to her? How could he not know her itinerary? Don't they brief him? If he was doing it for our sake, don't bother, dude. We were watching, unlike you.

An aside here: Ashley, as cute as she is, shouldn't wear make-up. She's more the natural type. She looks like a little girl playing make-up when she cakes it on.

Anyway, the usual suspects got roses and Ames didn't. He stood there with that patented confused/bemused look on his face. They sat down briefly and he was intelligent, as usual, and gracious then demonstrated why he wasn't selected when he actually shook her hand. Classic! And when he took his limo ride of shame, he offered up the best line of the night:

I was just hoping to share a lifetime of adventures with this beautiful woman and now I'm back to sharing a lifetime of adventures with myself, which is... less enticing.

Oh, man, I laughed. Not at Ames, whom I like, but that pause before the last two words coupled with the tilt of the head. So beautifully detached and intellectual.

If the last couple of weeks have lacked in drama, it looks like next week should make up for it. It looks like (if the upcoming highlights are any indication and are they ever misleading?) JP's on the outs. Then a flip-flopped man of mystery returns. Who could it be? Certainly not Bentley. I doubt Ames has the passion to return. Whoever it is, when she opens the door she looks happily shocked. Hey, maybe it's Brad Womack! That makes sense.

Then in two weeks her ink-stained sister tells her what she really thinks, which doesn't sit well with Ashley, who calls her a bitch.

Speaking of failed series relationships, I trust you all saw the ad for the upcoming season of Bachelor Pad. They've reunited Jake and Vienna! Oh, they look so happy, don't they? When they showed her saying, "I hate him," you could totally tell she still really loved him.

Week 7: Nice guys finish last

2011-07-11T22:40:00.000-07:00

The holidays are over and we're back to reality. Or at least reality TV. Just to drive the point home, the fellas walk en masse into a square in Tapei and stop on a line about 20 feet from Chris Harrison, who addresses them without the aid of a megaphone. That was natural.

In this episode, JP went from good guy to green-eyed monster. Every season one person becomes the raving jealous lunatic. Who'd a thunk it would be easy-going JP? Okay, he wasn't a raving lunatic; just a quiet, surly whiner. Red flag? I'd think so, but apparently Ashley thought it was charming. It worked for him. He got a pity rose with his woe-is-me routine. I know jealousy is a natural human reaction and it's more how we deal with our jealousy than the jealousy itself that matters. But considering how long they've known each other and the situation they're in, what to make of JP's sullenness and possessiveness? In a real relationship, what form would it take? Is he the type to put shackles on his wife and tell her what to wear or who she can see? I'm not saying that's the case at all, but when you can't control your emotions and pout like a teenaged girl when cameras are rolling all around you and millions are watching, it's gotta make you wonder.

We also learned that her relationship with Constantine is moving the most slowly, according to Ash, but he's still around. I'm sure that'll make the gentlemen sent home feel better. Constantine doesn't even pretend to be all that into her. Maybe the playing-hard-to-get angle really does work. When she asked him if he thinks this relationship can possibly work for him, he replies that yes, it could "if I fall in love." And Ashley nods knowingly and approvingly. I'm thinking, did she not hear him? Also, he's Greek, and if I know one gross stereotype about Greeks is that they like to marry each other. Last I checked, our heroine is not named Ashley Hebertopoulos. (Yes, I have Greek friends who have married outside the tribe but I like to perpetuate stereotypes.) Who Constantine should hook up with is a good Greek girl like DeAnna Pappas.

And what about their kiss? Yowza, that was perhaps the longest and most stilted kiss, or series of kisses, in the storied history of this franchise. We've seen plenty of awkward stilted kisses before but not that went on for so long. At least none that I can recall.

Ben says he's almost ready to drop the L-bomb on Ashley. No, he's not ready to call her a Loser. He's falling in Love! He proved to be a thoughtful and intelligent young winemaker on their date. After his sweet talk at dinner, Ashley undoubtedly was swept off her feet. But that's as far as we witnessed. Next thing we knew, Ben was sheepishly walking in the door back at the hotel the next morning. But he assured the others they did not share a room. Whether that's true or not we'll never know because he strikes me as a refined gentleman who wouldn't sleep and tell.

Another thing we learned this episode was that Ashley likes the bare-back look, giving the allusion she's going bra-less. She wore such an outfit two or three times. I will not make any jokes about how the back was not much different from the front. This isn't a roast.

Poor earnest Ryan was thrown for a loop on his long-awaited one-on-one date. No pressure because it wasn't a do-or-die date. But Ashley made it one anyway, sending the good guy home. He's such a positive, respectable and successful guy I was wondering if he'd make a good Bachelor. What do you people think? Or will they bring Brad back for a third go-around now that his engagement is off?

One curious statement was when Ashley told Ryan she respected him too much to put him through the rose ceremony. Uh, what does that say about Lucas, who she did put through the ceremony? She doesn't respect him? Regardless, I'm sure Ryan would rather have liked to have kept the memory of a nice date with him than to be sent packing so soon. Hell, they even made him hail his own cab! No driver for you!

I forget how old Ryan is (32?) but my guess is that he looked too old for young Ashley and definitely acted more mature. Ashley told Chris Harrison that early on she'd choose a guy based on potential but at this stage she had to consider other factors such as whether she could envision walking up next to the guy. It was at this point that I knew for certain Ben was in.

Similar to my point about Ryan's date, I also think Ashley should let the guys have the cocktail party. If you're going to get sent home anyway, don't you want at least some fun and free drinks before you go? But no, she had her mind made up. Lucas could do or say nothing to save himself. Just as well. He's the one I wanted gone. He was a good loser, though, a southern gentleman. Although he almost slipped up a bit when he said, "I want someone to cook breakfast in the morning... together." Yeah, make no mistake, ladies. He won't demand you get up and make his breakfast. He'll at least put bread in the toaster for you.

After being so sure that she didn't even need or want a cocktail party, Ashley cried after sending Lucas home, saying she's not so sure and hopes that she made the right decision.

And that was it for the Ashley portion of the show. The remaining time went to the break-up of Emily and Brad. Who had July in the pool? Well done.

I don't think Chris Harrison is clear on the definition of "some". In his intro to Miss Emily, he mentioned that "some" Bachelor/ette couples have gotten married and started families and that "some" couples who've gotten engaged on the show have since broken up. In Harrison's world, "some" can mean either "one" or "all but one".

When Miss Emily, the leggy blond stepped out of the limo to greet Harrison, you could practically hear Bentley hyperventilating. And when she used his phrase, "dot dot dot", I'm sure he was already calling the producers and signing up for Bachelor Pad in hopes she'd be there. Or will she be the next B'ette?

We didn't learn anything about their breakup. The classy southern lady won't say a bad word about Mr. Womack, nor will she tolerate others speaking ill of the man but suggested she didn't have reassurance he'd stick around with her forever. And yet she believes the paparazzi hiding in her bushes will stick around forever, so who knows? She's apparently not familiar with the concept of Andy Warhol's famous prediction.

Next week, it's the hometown visits. Are you tingly with excitement? Me, neither, but we've invested this much time, we can't bail now.

Week 6 again?!

2011-07-04T20:13:00.000-07:00

So here we are, on vacation. Got the kid in bed by 8 ready to watch our favourite reality series without the aid of the PVR and... it's a friggin' repeat! What the hay? Is it some kind of holiday in the States? What gives? I expected big fireworks this week, not the Fourth of July! Oh well. It's actually better this way. Vacation isn't meant for blogging. And the show will be all the sweeter for the wait. Until next week.

Week 6: Totally over him

2011-06-28T00:41:00.000-07:00

Finally. Ashley is totally over Bentley. She's not even thinking about Bentley anymore, except in those moments where she's telling us how over Bentley she is. And those moments come along about every 15 seconds. I lost count of the times Bentley was mentioned and don't have enough ink to go back and keep a running tally. Suffice it to say that Bentley is all but forgotten by our heroine. Yup. Take that to the bank. No more Bentley. Bentley's gone, physically and mentally. Buh-bye Bentley.

I had a comment in last week's post taking me to task for believing Chris Harrison or the producers should have told Ashley about Bentley's true motivations. The commenter suggested that it's not in a documentarian's mandate to meddle; they are there to simply document what really takes place. Fair enough. But I draw a big distinction between documentaries and reality TV. The producers are already meddling in real life by putting everyone in certain situations and recommending certain people get roses. But I think the real reason they should have spilled the beans is because of their own stated purpose of the show: to help people find true love. Yeah, we know that's a load of hooey, but that's what they say. Chris Harrison admits to befriending many of the season stars and wants to help them. The show constantly bends over backwards to bend the rules for the star by keeping more suitors than expected or sending more home. So in the role of friend, you've got to do what a friend would do, don't you? If Ashley was your friend, and you knew a guy was manipulating her like that, you'd do the right thing and tell her.

And here's the thing: I now believe someone from the show did tell her. Because from what we saw of their little tête-a-tête in Hong Kong, there wasn't enough shown for her to react the way she did. Bentley was as slimey as ever, looking her in the eye and saying, "I'm not gonna mess with you," hugging her, kissing her, touching her thigh, etc., and when he finally changed the dot-dot-dot to a period, he did so in the most dishonest way, pinning it on her ("I feel that from where you're at, we should call it a period"). In other words, she bought all that behaviour before. But she left telling us she thought he was a "player", saying, "Bentley, if you're watching this, fuck you. I'm done with you."

Seriously, don't you think someone must have filled her in? Her reaction was a tad strong for what we saw. Or do you think she just clued in? Maybe the fact he left ostensibly to be back with his darling daughter who he missed so much, yet flew all the way back to Hong Kong without her and didn't even mention her when Ashley asked him what he was up to ("I've been working and that's about it.") Granted, I realize we're only seeing what the editors are showing us, but still.

He does make a good villain, though. I can't wait to see his turn on the Men Tell All episode.

So what else happened this week? The usual manic-depressive Ashley stuff. She felt so liberated and ecstatic following the closure with Bentley (who she's completely over, don't forget) she even inexplicably gave the dud Lucas a rose on their one-on-one date. She was clearly just over the moon. Case in point, she saw two Chinese dragons/lions (four guys in two costumes, I should say) and that elicited an, "Oh my God!" Really? She must get positively orgasmic on Halloween. All I ever think when I see them is one guy is stuck smelling the ass of the other the whole time.

Out on the boat with Lucas, Ashley kept fumbling with her hair, desperately trying to keep her bangs down. Then I remembered the weird wrinkles on her forehead from last season. Then I kept noticing her struggling to keep them hidden throughout the show and it suddenly explained her new hairstyle. So much for honesty. Honey, if a guy can't love you for your unique head patterns, he's not worth it.

Actually, honesty played a role in the episode. She came clean first to JP, then to the rest of the fellas, about her past feelings for Bentley (who she's practically forgotten by this point). JP, Ryan and Ames, the good guys of the bunch, were okay with it and appreciated her honesty and what's she's going through. But the other babies didn't like that they'd been wasting their time. They felt she wasn't being honest. One of them, Mickey, felt she lied to them. He said, "If (Bentley)'s what you're looking for please send me home." To which I shouted (in my head), "Then go!" No sooner had I thought that than Ashley called him on it, saying, "Take the initiative and leave." And he did. M-i-c (See you real soon!) k-e-y (Why? Because you're a whiner).

But the mercurial Ashley got the other doubters on side by blubbering and lying. She stood there crying, saying, "The truth is you're not second best." But clearly they were. She admitted it herself time and again, ad nauseum. If Bentley was game, she'd have left them in a second and run off to Utah to be one of his wives.

Oh, and what's with all the Ryan hate? Usually you can at least get a sense of the hated person's other side, but we haven't seen anything about Ryan that suggests a two-faced con man that the guys are suggesting. I get that he's over-exuberant and that some guys might not like that, but they're saying he's one way in front of them and another way in front of her. Anyone out there help me on understanding this?

Lucas, JP and Ryan all received roses. With Mickey leaving on his own, that meant three more would get a rose and one would go home. I was really pulling for Blake to get the boot because he was the one guy I didn't like. Wish granted. Buh-bye Blake. Another B gone. Staying on were the alphabetical Ames, Ben and Constantine.

Next week they go to Taiwan, then in some future episode they'll jet off to Fiji where another person from her past will return. It's not Bentley, by the cut of his suit, so who could it be? I'm not going to go read over my past posts to refresh my memory on who left. Out of sight, out of mind. I'll enjoy watching when the time comes and I encourage you to avoid spoilers, too. It's more fun seeing it when we're supposed to.

Oh, wait. Maybe it's funny whatsisname, the cell phone salesman who wanted to be a comedian. I betcha that's who it is. But I'm not going to check. That's just a wild stab in the dark.

Week 5: Just! Tell! Her!

2011-06-21T00:19:00.000-07:00

How many of you are like me and shout at the televised Chris Harrison to just spill the beans on Bentley to Ashley? You know he's dying to. She's telling him she's just not into the guys there because she needs closure on Bentley. Meanwhile, Harrison is sitting there biting his tongue. Just! Tell! Her!

What is the justification for staying mum? For the life of me, I can't come up with one. Harrison is like a confidante to all the Bachelors and Bachelorettes. He wants, he claims, for them to be happy and find love. The Bentley sitchy-ation is getting in the way of Ashley finding that special someone to break up with three weeks after the season ends. The producers' decision not to speak up is reprehensible and if it isn't the low point in a franchise filled with low points, it's damn close.

Sure, they want drama. Sure, they probably knew they'd bring him back one more time (there's always someone who makes a grand return to the scene of the crime). But if the comments they presented from him are in any way close to the truth, they should have told her straight up as soon as he left. If they're not representative of his true feelings, it'll be interesting to hear the spin next week.

But now we see he's coming back. And the fellas are mighty pissed about it. But we also know Ashley is engaged, if the magazines and tabloids at the grocery store checkout are to be believed (and they've never been wrong before). It surely can't be to Bentley, though, given his comments and her insecurities. So maybe it all works out for the best (or until at least three weeks after the season ends). And if it is Bentley, then the schadenfreude will be delicious when it all goes sideways, as it always does.

Apart from that one execrable storyline, this season has a rather sweet (some might say boring) quality to it. No high drama and the suitors are all decent chaps. I much prefer that to the bickering and infighting and train wrecks of most seasons. But I'm a pussycat, you all know that.

Let's move on with the rest of the episode.

I was too late, but next week let's start a tally of every time Ashley utters the word, "per-fact". I know she's young but she's almost a dentist. I don't know about you, but I don't want my dentist speaking Valley Girl.

This week they partied in Chiang Mai, Thailand, famous for monks and love, so they say. Full disclosure: I don't think I'd ever heard of Chiang Mai before so it's not famous to me at all. I accept all ridicule at my ignorance in the comments section.

Quote of the night goes to Chris Harrison: "I see by the reaction, most of you know what a two-on-one date means." Okay, so I have a dirty mind.

The one-on-one date with Ben F. was sweet and they seemed to have some chemistry. Nothing to see here. Let's move on.

The group date was a bit of a disaster as the boys had to partake in some Muay Thai kickboxing. The fey Ames had never been a fight before (full disclosure: neither have I). No surprise the guy with the biggest forehead in franchise history came away with a mild concussion. I thought he'd be a shoe-in for the rose, if only out of pity, but the heartless wench gave it to fellow dentist Blake.

The two-on-one was also a disaster. The funny and likable William became unlikable really quickly (but still kinda funny) when he started uncharacteristically talking trash. It doesn't suit him. He said, "I'm not throwing [Ben C.] under the bus or anything..." Instead, he threw him under an elephant. Crushed him. What's more surprising is that for the first time in series history, it worked. Like, instantly. While the heretofore forgiving Ashley was more than willing to give Bentley the benefit of the doubt when she was warned about his motivations, she immediately called off the 2-on-1 portion of the date and sent Ben C. home. His defense was that he was kidding when he said he was going to ... visit an online dating site? My memory fails me. It was something like that, right? Whatever, he apparently said it in jest. My question is where's the footage? Surely it was caught on tape. The producers are just phoning this season in. Not even trying.

The bad news for William was that even though his 2-on-1 turned into a 1-on-1, it wasn't enough. The spark was gone. Buh-bye William and good luck with your stand-up comedy career. Or selling cell phones. Whatever.

With Ben F. (who we can know thankfully refer to without the initial) and Dr. Blake already rosed, and Ben. C. and William already off the show, there were six roses to hand out and one man left out. I correctly predicted Nick would be the odd man out. And he was. He and his blond highlights took the walk of shame to the limo.

Next week we finally get to see how the Bentley situation resolves itself and if he continues to be a giant bag of slime, as they all head over to Hong Kong, a city I've heard of.

Week 4: Aw, Phuket

2011-06-13T23:55:00.001-07:00

This is going to be a quick one, folks. You see that link near the top of the page informing you that this here blog is one of the best Bachelor blogs? That's right, mo-fo. It was named one of the 50 best Bachelor blogs by Christian Counseling Degree dot org so I'm coasting now. Just calling it in...

Actually, I was more surprised that there are at least 50 blogs devoted to this ridiculous show we all love/hate. How proud can I be of that? If anything, it just got me thinking I'm lost in a sea of Bachelor-related nonsense and I should find a show that nobody likes to blog about. At least that way I'd stand out.

But if you can't get enough and want to read still more opinions on the show, follow the link above that says Best "The Bachelor" Blogs and it'll lead you to a treasure trove of sites.

But no, I'm not coasting, not calling it in. The truth is that my wife and I played a drinking game this episode. Every time Ashley said the name "Bentley", we had to take a drink. I'm hammered. Fifteen minutes in I passed out.

Okay, that's not true, either (although it's a great idea, I think you'll agree). Truth is I was packing up for my first trip to Las Vegas while the show was on. I leave in the morning. So the details are sketchy. Thankfully the episode was not all that riveting, what with Ashley still smarting over Bentley. And did you catch next week's highlights? Are we to believe Bentley is the guy who returned to see her? Or are they just leading us on? If it's him, I hope for both her sake and his that he comes clean and doesn't try to mess with her head again. She's fra-gee-lay. (Who saw A Christmas Story?)

I didn't have an opinion on the Greek god Constantine before. But after the date, I give him a thumbs up. Seems like a decent dude. I didn't like that old Thai guy telling the young couple that in a long-term relationship, the man shouldn't try to win an argument. That's just crazy talk! Maybe the rules for love are different in Thailand. You're in it to win it, old man!

Speaking of Thailand, it looked beautiful but I doubt their tourism bureau was too thrilled. What do we take away from the place? Torrential rainfall is a way of life there. This coming from a guy who lives in Vancouver, where we're no strangers to liquid sunshine.

What's all this resentment over Ryan? I really got the sense the producers created this. Everyone was getting along too well and they had to create some drama now that Bentley's gone so they choose the nicest guy in the house. Their beef? He's too peppy, too positive, has a zest for life. That might be a hard sell, Blake. Good luck with it, though.

Ashley said JP was the best kisser by far. And she digs his shaved head look. That maybe gives a guy like me a boost, but really? I thought he looked sickly.

In every season of the Bachelorette there's one guy who the woman describes as hilarious who shows no outward sign of being even remotely funny. And in every season there's one guy who seems a little less... how shall I put this?... interested in girls than the others. This season, those two archetypes are housed in one body: Ames. He seems like a good guy, a worldly guy, a smart guy, but... But I don't know. First off, he looks a little... different. And, hey, please don't think I'm pulling a Tracy Morgan here. Just making an observation. Most of the guys are studly man's man kind of dudes. Second, he's been to Thailand a few times... alone. Again, just saying. Third, he never identified the sex of his former lover. He said he met somebody in a shoe store and never once used the feminine pronoun. Oh, sure, it's all circumstantial, but it's fun to play these games. What else do we have? Okay, there's the drinking game. Maybe next week.

Ashley called an audible, saying she only wanted to send home one lucky bachelor this week instead of two. Chris Harrison, pretending to be the one who could okay such a move, said he was fine with that. So poor widowed West was meted out more heartbreak and sent home. Eleven others got to move forward. Of those eleven, 5.5 are okay by me:

1. Constantine
2. Ryan
3. JP
4. William
5. Ben C.
1/2 Ben F.

Ben F. only gets half a thumb because he's jumping into the anti-Ryan camp. So the jury's out on him.

As for the others, Mickey is an unknown quantity but he looks weird. Lucas is dull, Nick has highlights in his hair, Blake is insecure, and Ames is Ames.

That's it. Don't worry, I'll be back home before the next episode airs. But meanwhile, gotta finish packing.

Week 3: Reaching new depths...

2011-06-07T10:05:00.000-07:00

Sorry I'm a tad late with this. Paid deadlines took precedence. But don't think I didn't give my full attention last night. I certainly did. So let's not waste any more time and get to it.

Bentley's gone. Oh, sorry, should I have written 'spoiler alert'?

But it's not about surprises. We all knew he was going. What was up in the air was how much of a douchebag he'd be. Turns out he's one of the douchiest bags in franchise history. There have been other villains but none so brazenly callous. If this guy's goal was to publicize a business, he failed. For one, did they even mention it? I'm sure it's Googleable (what isn't?), but even if we find out, how far could you trust this businessman when he's so clearly a lying, deceitful prick of the highest order? And why would he act like this? He lives in Salt Lake City. I've never been there but I get the impression it's a pretty moral, Christian place. Won't he be the scourge of his neighbourhood? Don't they have stonings there?

Am I being harsh? Maybe. Who knows. I'm sure we'll hear his side of the story and he'll come out looking like he was the real victim here. Afterall, look how lovable Wes became after he left the show. But this is going to take a team of PR experts to dig Bentley out of this hole.

And what a shining example of a father he is to his little girl! He even went so far as to say he wasn't returning home because of her. In other words, he'd stay if he were more into the chick. He used that child to play on the sympathy angle with both Ashley and the guys. But let me take his side for a moment: People make up excuses all the time when breaking up with someone in order to spare their feelings. He had the best interest of Ashley in mind when he lied to her.

Okay, enough taking his side. Now I'll argue the point: The difference is that he was being followed around by a network camera crew and knew his true words would be broadcast back to the very person he was trying to protect.

Which leads to the dot, dot, dots. That was the biggest jerk move of all time. Again, maybe you could argue he was just trying to soften the blow to Ashley by hinting that, who knows, maybe somewhere down the line they could get together. But of all the rotten things that guy did, that was the low-down rottenest. So now she goes back to the others, already reeling and thinking there's not enough time to heal from the rejection and fall in love again, and has it in the back of her mind that she can always get back to the love of her life when the filming is done, not knowing he's not interested in the slightest.

But... but... is it all on him? I would argue that the producers, and Chris Harrison for whatever influence he exerts, are also culpable. Yes, Ashley needs to make up her own mind, she's an adult, yada, yada, yada. But the staff selected this guy and he made it clear from the beginning that he wasn't into her. Isn't their mandate to hook people up? Don't they at least claim they want the best for their contestants? I realize "good TV" also factors into the equation. But at some point, don't they have a responsibility to tell her this guy is playing her like a fiddle? I mean, if he had received a rose, there was a good chance he'd be banging her like a drum, too, given his ever-so-classy line when she straddled him while bawling: "I was in a really good position to start something."

Some more porcine comments from Bentley and guileless statements from Ashley (some paraphrased):

"I completely fell in love with Bentley. I would take off with him to Salt Lake City tomorrow." – Ashley
"Fricking idiots" – Bentley on the other guys in the house
"She looks like an ugly duckling to me." – Bentley on Ashley
"It's annoying to hold a girl that's just crying and crying and crying when I've already checked out." – Bentley
"Bentley literally sweeps me off my feet." – Literally?
"I'm not gonna pass up an opportunity to mess with her head." – Bentley
"He's really comforting. He's such a real guy." – Ashley
"Was I wrong about everything?" – Uh, pretty much.

And if the producers don't tell Ashley about Bentley's true intentions while it's happening (or better yet, just tell him to leave), they at least have the obligation to inform her of his views after he left. Chris Harrison sat down with Ashley and it looked like he was dying to tell her what he knew. But all he offered was that Bentley's line was "such a guy thing to say." He needed to tell her just so she could move forward and not hold out hope. Harrison loves to play up the friend angle. He becomes buddies with all of the Bachelors and Bachelorettes. Well, a true friend would spill the beans.

Oh, man, look at me getting all worked up!

One reason this post is late is because I was working on a story that's semi-Bachelorette related. But only coincidentally so. Jeffrey Ross, the Roastmaster General who appeared last night, is coming to town and I interviewed him last week. The Bachelorette wasn't the focus of the story, but I asked a couple questions near the end of our chat anyway. No great quote here, but for what it's worth:

GM: I see on Monday you’re going to be on The Bachelorette.
JR: Yeah, is that airing already? How did you spot that? They haven’t even told me that. It was really fun, man. Taking the roasting into new environments. I’ve roasted on Dancing with the Stars, now I’ve roasted on The Bachelorette, I just did a part on Family Guy where I roast one of the characters. It’s beyond my imagination what roasting could be.

GM: How does something like that happen? Did you approach the producers and say, ‘Hey, how about this?’
JR: Oh, no, it was totally their idea. They had read my book about roasting and giving tips to amateurs for throwing their own roasts. So one of the producers tracked me down and said, ‘Would you be interested in throwing a roast of the Bachelorette?’ And I was thrilled. Who cares if you piss her off? If she’s gonna cry, you just get more camera time.

GM: Did you help the bachelors with the writing of the jokes?
JR: I actually coached them beforehand on tips for making a woman laugh. If you can make a woman laugh at herself you can virtually make her do anything. I think that’s an old Marilyn Monroe quote. And it worked. I feel like she was very enamored by a couple of the guys who were on the funny side. Funny guys often do better than good-looking guys with the chicks.

GM: Yeah? You think so?
JR: I know so.

GM: I thought they just laugh at anything a hot guy says even if he’s not funny.
JR: I laugh at everything every girl says.

Ross is hilarious. Check out this series of Tweets from last night (I've edited out all the crazy Twitter symbols because they're confusing to an oldster like me). They're all from Jeff:

Tonight on The Bachelorette I coach the guys on how to make Ashley laugh at herself until she winds up in tears. Airs primetime on ABC.
anybody watching bachelorette ? never seen it before. are these people robots? why is this guy talkin w his mouth full? when do i come on?
why are these people kissing? do they know they are on tv or his this hidden camera? i'm confused. when do i come on?
i love this show. when do they fuck?
if i were a contestant on this show i'd wear a mask too.
that was fun. i told william not to do that joke.
It was fun. All those roses made me thorny.

Which leads us to the roast. William made Ashley cry, sure, but it was a freakin' roast! If you're that insecure about something, don't agree to be roasted. I realize roasting in the hands of amateurs is problematic at best, but nobody was intentionally trying to hurt her. As soon as he finished, she invoked the soup nazi, saying, "No rose for you!" But William was right in replying, "It was a roast, not Compliment Ashley night."

Through the use of the PVR pause button, I could make out another joke William was working on. We only saw the final edit so who knows if he used it but I thought it was a decent take. He wrote that Ashley looked so young he was afraid Chris Hanson would show up any time at the house. Maybe ABC didn't want to give any publicity to NBC's Hansen, but the joke had potential. It was a back-handed insult (i.e. a compliment).

But really, William, nothing you could say could undo what you did? How about an apology? How about looking her in the eyes and telling her those jokes were absolutely not true? You figure even if that couldn't undo what you did, it's at least a start.

And how about the masked man? He reveals himself and Ashley thinks he looks older. He should have worn an old wrinkled mask for comparison's sake. I don't even know if he's right when he says true love starts from the inside. I think he may have it reversed. The start is usually physical and then it can increase or decrease depending on what the inside reveals. His problem was that he exhibited no discernible personality.

No surprise, then, that Jeff, the masked man, was sent home. Even though he said wearing the thing was an "amazing life-changing experience", that didn't stop him from throwing it in the fire on his exit. The other loser was Chris D., was was "stunned" and "defeated" having lost to William.

And that's all I got. I can't wait to see the penultimate episode with all the outcasts. That is, if Bentley shows up. A media whore like him wouldn't dare pass up the opportunity, would he? I bet he even does a tearful mea culpa.

Week 2: Radar, oh really?

2011-05-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to another exciting edition of the Bachelor Blog (Bachelorette edition). For a Week 2 entry, I thought it was pretty solid: clearly defined characters, a villain, and a cute protagonist. I mean the show. But the blog is pretty good, too.

Yes, Ashley's formerly disturbing new look has grown on me. Maybe it was all the hot little outfits she was wearing, exposing her tight midsection and bow legs. I asked this last week, I think, but did we know about her passion for dancing last season or is early-onset Alzheimer's setting in? And another thing, did we know about her passion for dancing last season or is early-onset Alzheimer's setting in? She's decent, isn't she? The dancing dentist.

Fresh-faced William got the first one-on-one date and the two of them looked like a great-looking couple. They both have an impish sense of humour and their personalities light up a room.The fact he keeps down-playing his job as a salesman probably doesn't help his cause with the upwardly mobile and driven Ashley, but she might be happier with him than some other successful dolt. Sure, his impersonations would get old fast but if his dream to become a stand-up comedian within five years (I read the bios on the website) comes to fruition, he can get those out of the way on stage.

He does seem to have a bit of the Weatherman in him in that he seems, uh, inexperienced in the love department but so what? Give the kid a chance. Once he gets a taste of the fantasy suite, maybe he won't feel the need to spill his guts to all the guys about every little detail of his date.

William obviously hasn't seen past seasons judging by his comment when Ashley drove him to an airport and he saw their private jet: "It's something you only see in movies," he said. And just about every episode in this franchise's history.

I liked Ashley's wedding hoax. She's got spunk, I tells ya. She'll take a joke as far as she can without revealing it's just a joke. She did it later with the overly serious Mickey when she flipped him for a rose. It was the only time he showed any personality: "Are you crazy?" he said. She could have stopped before the flip and the flop sweat to say she was kidding, but she took it to its limit. Gotta admire that.

Earlier on that flip-flop date with Mickey, they decide to flip a coin and the winner could choose anything they wanted. So Mickey wins the flip and... asks her the lamest question ever: When was the last time you cried? He could have received a kiss out of it, or at the very least ask a question he couldn't possibly know the answer to by watching last season.

The group date dance routine was... I'm not sure. Those kinds of dates are always just blatant advertising for whatever show they're involved with. The only important thing (in Bachelorette world, that is) is that the duplicitous Bentley came away with the rose. The whole episode was filled with the single father showing his daughter that he's a scumbag, trashing Ashley privately while sweeping her off her feet in person. Well done, daddy-o! May your daughter be fooled by a creep one day, too.

He talked about her amazing butt and legs but said she's just not his type, without stating what his type is. I'm not suggesting he's wrong, but he'd help his case more if he laid out specifically what he was looking for, other than Emily. It wouldn't help him much more, granted, but it would be a start. He's still a creep for lying but I'm kind of happy he's not only revealing the series for what it is, but he's showing Ashley (and hopefully viewers) that they shouldn't just go with their gut in relationships. If there are red flags, they're probably there for a reason. In one comic turn, Ashley told the camera she has "pretty good radar" when it comes to character, she's seeing such sincerity with Bentley and her gut tells her to trust him. It would be hilarious if it weren't so sad.

Bentley's line of the night: "I would literally rather be swimming in pee than plan a wedding with her." I think Wes coached him.

Here's something I don't get: The masked man, Jeff, wanted to keep the top part of his face covered so Ashley could get to know the real him first. Well, that's the conceit, anyway. Fair enough. Let's go with that. If that's true, why does he need to keep the mask on at the house while Ash is away on a date? What difference does it make if the guys see his ugly mug?

Ooh, and we almost saw it, didn't we? Yeah, right. The producers made sure to send Matt in to interrupt the unveiling. Not manufactured at all. It's no coincidence that if you head on over to the Bachelor website on ABC that his bio photo is a silhouette. Do you think they'll put one up if he finally gets unmasked? Also, one of his competitors nailed it: it's not as if his personality is shining through. Sure, he's had a brain hemorrhage so maybe he really is hiding a big scar or something, but still he's got to lighten up a bit.

One of the guys asked, "What do you think he looks like?" Um, exactly what we see except he's got eyelids and eyebrows, I'm guessing.

The rose ceremony took place during a rain storm (and they say it never rains in southern California) complete with SFX claps of thunder. Fresh-faced William, Stone-faced Mickey and the Bastard Bentley all got roses and were safe. Twelve more roses were handed out. They went to:

West
Constantine
Ryan P.
Ben C. (who seemed fun and sincere)
Nick (boo)
Ames (boo)
Lucas (who? I just checked his bio. It says he's a conservative Republican. Nuff said.)
Jeff
J.P.
Chris
Ben F.
Blake

Only three were sent home.

Matt called his mom, telling her he didn't get the girl and was coming home. So much for contestant confidentiality. I suppose there's now a precedence for other contestants to spill the beans as soon as they're kicked off. Go to it. Let the producers threaten you. It won't hold up in court!
Ryan M., who claimed that "life isn't fair" before stomping off to his bedroom and slamming the door.
Steven, the hairstylist. He had the most unintentionally funny response to a question in his bio: He was asked what his three worst attributes were. He responded, "self critical and bad speller". Classic! I'd add to that a lack of attention to detail.

So there you have it. Another week gone and we're one week closer to a meltdown after Ashley's radar implodes. (I hope you appreciated the sly M*A*S*H reference in the title.)

Regrets? Well, maybe a few

2011-05-23T23:15:00.000-07:00

Really? Am I back for more? What can I say? I just can't quit this damn show. I don't even think Ashley was a good choice for Bachelorette. And not just because of her new look, which is too dolled up for her girl-next-door image. She just doesn't have the je ne sais quoi I expect in a Bachelorette. But that's the beauty of this show: it works whether you like the characters involved or not. You either pull for the train through the tunnel or the train wreck.

This season opened with news that Ashley has been demoted from dentist to dental student and followed with a recap of just why she was not a good selection to be the rose distributor. We saw her in an endless loop of self-sabotage last season. But she assures us this season will be different. She won't let her insecurities get in the way of her happiness this time. I didn't believe her until she proved her point by dancing an interpretation of 'regret' alone on a big theatre stage. I guess she means business this time.

When did she become a dancer? Did we know that about her last season? Was Tenley her life-coach?

In fact, that was her theme: No regrets. No regrets.

So let's cut to the chase, shall we? Right off the bat, Ash tells Chris Harrison she was warned from a friend about a certain contestant (what do we call the guys?) who was there for, get this, "the wrong reasons". He was there just to promote his business. Still, the good-hearted no-regrets girl wanted to give him a fair chance. As she should. I mean, has any contestant in the history of the show that others have warned us about ever turned out to be anything less than misunderstood and upstanding citizens?

So she picks the dude. Hey, he's so smoking hot. What we take from this is that a) Ashley believes looks trump character and b) she's blind as a bat.

So we see the upcoming highlights at the end of the show and see that this guy – let's call him Bentley – is in it at the end. They're in Fiji and Ashley is professing her undying love for the single father. They kiss and kiss hard. Cut to Bentley telling us he's just not that into her, saying it would be a different story if it had been Emily. Then we see Ashley wailing on a bed, wondering how life has done her so wrong.

If we've learned anything from this TV franchise it's that humans are incapable of knowing what's best for them. Listen to your friends, people. They know what's best for you better than you do. Is there any way to rejig the series to make it about an arranged marriage? I think there's potential there. The South Asian market alone would make it a huge hit.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's take a look at the 25 bachelors, who arrived five at a time in five limos. Based on their brief introductions, I gave a preliminary thumbs-up or thumbs-down to each one. Nine of the 25 gentlemen received the coveted thumbs-up from me. They are, in order:

Ryan, 31, the solar power saint and hopeless romantic. This guy is the chosen one of the producers, too, it would seem. He was the first in the series of vignettes, the first bachelor out of the limos, the first to sit down with Ashley in the mansion, and the winner of the first impression rose.
Lucas, 30, oil man from Texas.
William, 30, the Ohio cell phone salesman and hard-luck case whose umbrellas always fold up in the wind. His dad was an alcoholic and when he died, William's watch stopped. He also does impressions of Sean Connery and... Joan Rivers? Who was that second one he did? Anyway, he's clearly hiding behind the jokes. He also, refreshingly, told Ashley he was "just" a salesman.
West, 30, a widowed prosecutor.
Ben F, 28, a cute winemaker with a dead father, too. He likes well-rounded, cultured brunettes. Maybe that make-over will pay off afterall for Ashley.
Michael, 29, who did a funny bit about dentists when he met her. Well, funny as far as contestants on this show goes.
JP, 34, construction guy who's a sweet skinhead.
Blake, if only because he's a dentist and didn't feel the need to tell her right away. I admire restraint.
Constantine, if only because it's a memorable name. Didn't like the floss around the ring finger, though. I don't admire gimmicks.

Those were my keepers. Interestingly, she handed out 18 roses. Eight of my nine got one. So maybe you'll listen to me in the future, no? Only Michael got sent home.

We can't go any further without mentioning poor, drunk Tim, the liquor distribution guy. I guess they couldn't very well ignore his storyline, but did they have to show so much? Not to drop names or anything, but just this afternoon I had the pleasure of interviewing Samantha Bee, the senior correspondent of The Daily Show. She said that despite what people think, they often leave out hugely embarrassing or sensational statements from their subjects. And some segments even get killed just because they feel bad for a subject. You get the sense, though, with this franchise that we always see the worst side of someone.

And then there's Jeff, the masked man. He's not just some freak; he's covering his face to get to a deeper place. It's not what's on the outside that counts, it's what's on the inside. For all Ashley knows, he's got a horribly disfigured or grotesque face. Or at least the nose, eyes and forehead. Because let's face it, we can see most of his face, and the shape of his body. And from what we see, he looks fine. And that mask can't hide his self-seriousness. Which will happen first? Will he remove his mask or smile?

One guy (can't remember who) called his mom, who offered the sage fantasy suite advice (on the first episode yet!) to always remember protection. Nice. (No word of a lie: as I write this, Ella Fitzgerald is singing "The Lady is a Tramp" in the background.) Also, are they allowed to call whoever they want? Are there no rules in the house?

Some random priceless quotes:

"I cannot believe there's one that plays the guitar." – Ashley, who apparently has never seen an episode of The Bachelorette before.

"You cover up half your face and all of a sudden you're strange." – Jeff. Yup.

"That's a good thing." – Ashley when William told her he was a 30-year-old boy and hopes to continue acting like a boy the rest of his life. Ah, sweet youth.

"I'm a mature adult." – Jeff, the masked man.

"You seem really genuine." – Ashley, to Bentley.

"I think my husband is in this room." – Ashley, to the remaining 18. Again, she's obviously never seen the show or is aware of the marriage statistics it generates.

So what to make of it all? It has the makings of... all together now... the most dramatic season ever!

Week 11: That's all, folks

2011-03-15T10:16:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm certainly glad I didn't blog about this latest season of The Bachelor after Molly dissed us bloggers. That was quite a smackdown. At least even when I did write about the show, I was always nothing less than respectful.

(Denial is healthy.)

Forthwith are my final random thoughts (not a blog!) on this season:

* The old saying "it's all over but the crying" predates this series obviously. The crying precedes the ending. And, boy, there was lots of it. I even welled up a couple of times. In my defense, I think it's that time of month, though. Proof that if you watch this show long enough, you develop unnaturally high levels of estrogen.

* Congratulations to Chantal. She was the clear winner this season. She got the same prime time network exposure as Miss Emily, didn't have to end up with the Bear, and apparently has found love in the real world. Well done.

* I kinda wish the recap-loving producers had juxtaposed footage from Mr. Brad's first foray into Bachelorhood so we could contrast and compare. I was curious about his family's reaction the first time. Surely they were included then. Was Brad pretending to be considering both of them? Did Neal Lane make an appearance with the rings then? Did Brad keep the ring when he didn't give it out to either woman? Enquiring minds want to know!

* When Mr. Brad wept at the sight of his family in South Africa, his twin bro said, "It's all right, buddy." What the hell kind of sibling is that? Where's the endless merciless ribbing? That's what brothers are for.

* I think this was the first season where I really liked both final contestants. And the first time I didn't have a really good sense who was going to be picked. Well done, producers. You got me this time, but I'll be back non-blogging for the Bachelorette on May 23. You won't fool me again. When Chantal rang the doorbell, Mr. Brad said he wanted to spend some time with "my girl". I thought, okay, it's gotta be Chantal. We'll talk about that a bit further down.

* Chantal was so head-over-heels in love I kinda wanted her to lose. Is that mean? I think so, but come on, it's on TV so it can't be real.

* Loved Miss Emily's greetings of the family. While there were hugs all around from Chantal, Miss Emily stiff-armed them all with fully extended handshakes. Gotta love that Emily!

* When Miss Emily told Mr. Brad's family about her tragic past, even though I'd heard it numerous times already, I teared up. (No actual tears fell from my face, for the record.) I think Mr. Brad greased the wheel with his blubbering earlier.

* I know the franchise is all about young, beautiful single people but isn't it also ostensibly about creating unions and from those unions potential human life? But they sure didn't make a case for parenthood last night, did they? From Mr. Brad's brothers to Miss Emily, they made it seem like being a father was the worst thing in the world. No more watching sports, no more drinking beer, no more fun. Well, unless you consider spending all your spare time in hospital emergency wards fun.

* When Mr. Brad was still leading Chantal (and us) on, and I didn't know who he should choose, I was thinking he should just join a Mormon sect and marry them both.

* Mr. Brad's family unanimously fell in love with Miss Emily. Mr. Brad said his mom was a "pretty good judge of character." Um, except for, you know, Mr. Brad's dad.

* On the shark date, Chatal was busting out of her diving suit like Jacqueline Bissett in The Deep. On a side note, why are there no images of that? Best I could find was Kelly Brook in some commercial.

* Mr. Brad described the outing with Chantal as, "perfect date, perfect girl, perfect experience." Obviously, not perfect enough. Another example of why she was so pissed when she was told he had fallen in love with "someone else". And his explanation on the After the Final Rose episode wasn't very convincing. She deserved to be there? He admitted he fell in love with Emily early into the process. Fair enough. But then why lead anybody else on the way he did? Yeah, yeah, it's a show but, as Miss Emily rightfully said when discussing her manic Mondays watching the show, why give her more amunition for their "knock-down, drag-out" fights? Calling Chantal "my girl" and "perfect" and making out like he means it when he knows he's in love with Emily is going beyond the call of duty.

* We got a bit of a taste of Miss Emily "poking the bear" when Mr. Brad asked her to give him a chance to be little Rickey's father. Miss Emily innocently asked, "What does that mean to you?" and he got visibly upset and started sweating. That was with the cameras rolling so it was no real surprise to learn that Mr. Brad has "a temper" in real life. She asked if he knows it's not all fun and games and there'd be bad parts, too. It seemed like a total miscommunication to me. He could have answered, simply, "Totally", but instead he left in a huff.

* Are there no jewelers on the continent? They had to fly Neal Lane all the way to South Africa for his 15 seconds of airtime?

* Worst line of the episode came from Miss Emily whether Mr. Brad would choose her or Chantal: "... the fact it could be the be the best day of my life or the worst day of my life scares me to death." Did I waste my near-tears? Knowing what we know of her life, surely she's had one day a little worse than the prospects of Brad Womack not choosing her. Although, now that I think about it, she didn't explicitly state which was which. Maybe the worst day would be Mr. Brad choosing her. That I'd buy.

* Does Mr. Brad own a razor?

* When he started out his alter speech to Chantal with, "Where do I begin?" I thought it was her. Turns out he said the exact same thing to Miss Emily. Classy. Another reason both women were upset. Then when he told Chantal, "I have strong feelings for someone else," (hmm, who could that be?), she immediately broke down, just as we all thought she would. Poor dear. I really felt for her. That's gotta be a looooong flight home from South Africa. Brad: "You all right?" Chantal: "No." Brad: "You wanna talk to me?" Chantal: "I don't know what to say." And what could she say, really? Well, for one, she could have told him she was carrying his love child. That was pretty apparent. She was pregnant, right? Then when we saw her crying in the limo, I got all verklempt again.

* In the limo, Chantal said, "Part of me is sscared I'm not gonna find love." Well, we learned that she has since moved on and found somebody else. But even if she didn't, there's always Bachelor cruises and Bachelor Pad.

* When Brad was trying to deke out Miss Emily at the alter before declaring his forever love, there wasn't a hint of worry on her face. I really believe she'd have been fine either way. When he got down on one knee, she was smiling but didn't look too over-the-moon or all that surprised. She is one unflappable broad. At the wrap show, Chris Harrison called it "one of the most emotional finals in Bachelor history." But the proposal wasn't; it was watching Chantal get dumped that was emotional.

* After Mr. Brad does his Cheshire Cat impression, grinning ear to ear about his love for Miss Emily, Harrison reveals they had broken up earlier. It was at this point that I started to see Mr. Brad as kind of a stalker. He kept saying stuff like, "I'm not letting her go." Hey Bradley, if she wants out, you have to let her go.

* So we find out they've been fighting like cats and dogs, she won't move to Austin any time soon until they figure stuff out, she's got a feistiness to her and he's got a "bit of a temper" and is "pretty volatile". Sounds like a match made in heaven, doesn't it? Yet, through all that, they at least looked like they were really in love with each other. Still, though, I wouldn't put money on them augmenting the Bachelor triumvirate of power couples. Miss Emily struck me as very wise. She said she's trying to figure out what's reality TV and what's her reality. I'm betting her reality won't have Mr. Brad in it for long. But I've been wrong three times before. And Ali and Roberto aren't married yet so that may yet be amended to two times. (I just learned – maybe I had forgotten – Jillian dumped Ed!)

* Still no announcement on the new Bachelorette. Come on, producers. Shawntel the Undertaker would be a natural. Make it happen.

That's all she wrote, people. Hope you enjoyed the non-blogging this season. See you in a couple of months.

Week 10: The tears of a clown

2011-03-08T00:00:00.000-08:00

Are we really here so soon? This season has flown by. This time next week we'll know who Brad picked. Chris Harrison, the eternal prankster, tried to trick us earlier on that this would be the most something-or-other season (I lose track of all his bloviation), leading us to believe maybe, just maybe, Mr. Brad couldn't go through with it a second time. But tonight we learn that he has a "significant other". What a letdown. Anyway, onto my random thoughts of the Ladies Blabber and Blubber:

* I very nearly boycotted writing anything about this episode. As the clock ticked by and my sweetheart Shawntel the Undertaker sat there looking beautiful without uttering a word, I got madder and madder. The frickin' Nanny got a segment, for crying out loud! Didn't the Undertaker go further? Wasn't her tramp stamp a perfect match for Mr. Brad's back fresco? I convinced myself they were saving her for a big announcement at show's ending that she'd be the next Bachelorette. But nothing. Nada. I'm pissed. Then I take a step back, and a deep breath, and tell myself that she stayed classy until the end (well, except I'm assuming she still has that awful back tattoo), stayed above the fray. And it made me love her even more.

* It's boring to constantly complain about the upcoming highlights, but was there anything they showed in the Crazy Michelle 2.0 segment that they didn't show in the teaser? I don't think so.

* In Mr. Brad's pre-show segment, he talked but said nothing. Letterman would call it a Network Time Waster.

* Countess Madison forgot her fangs at home. But it seemed like several of the other girls had them out.

* Crazy Michelle 2.0 was obviously coached. She stuck to her talking points all night: She was there for "the right reasons" (glad that tired phrase finally made a comeback this season), and she played the Daughter card. For the record, she told us she was there for the right reasons four times, by my count, and mentioned her daughter seven times. Throw in uncontrollable sobbing (although it took a while for the actual tears to fall) and it just may have worked. The crowd seemed to come around to her "sense of humour" by the time she was done.

* Crazy Michelle 2.0's defense was that people didn't understand her sense of humour. All those scathing remarks directed at every single female there were just jokes, people! Lighten up! On a related note, average looking dudes who happen to be funny hate it when women say they love guys with a sense of humour because it's demonstrably untrue. At least in the romance department. You just don't see beautiful women with average-looking funny guys. What it invariably turns out to be is that the gals believe their studly dates are hilarious when, in fact, they are unbelievably bland and humourless. Good looks will do that. And it seems to have worked in reverse to Chris Harrison, who told the weeping Crazy Michelle 2.0 he found her "hysterical". No, Chris, you didn't. Your Wee Willy Wonka did. You were blinded by her beauty.

* Harrison, though, did exhibit some Svengali-like ability to mind-meld. I loved his exchange with the Imposter Posing as Ashley H. the Putative Dentist:

CH: Was it love?
AH: I don't know.
CH: Yes, you do.

That's gold right there. But it gets better:

CH: I hate to break it to you, but you were in love.
AH: I know I was.

Wow, he's good.

* Did you like Ashley's new look? Brown hair, bangs and enough red lipstick for someone who actually had lips. I think I prefer the old Ashley, but Harrison and Mr. Brad pretended to go ga-ga over the make-over. But what were they going to say, really? They couldn't ignore it.

* Back to Crazy Michelle 2.0. They showed a clip of her admitting to giving herself the black eye, just as we all suspected. But I don't remember that clip ever being shown during the season. Did I just miss it? She said, pointing to her shiner, "If I can do this to myself...". Then later in the show she claims ignorance again at how she got it.

* What about that big feud between Raichel and Melissa? Huh?! If you're like me, you were going, "Who? I don't recognize these people." Thank God they showed a little recap to refresh our memories... and even then I had no idea what the supposed feud was about. They didn't like each other but we didn't see why. It seemed the torch crowd was against monster Melissa, but I thought she came off better than Raichel, who was emoting and rolling her eyes at everything. Still, Raichel came through with the line of the night:

I've thought about this in great depth: There are some people you gel with and some people you don't.

Ah. Got it. Clearly, she gave it some real thought.

* Harrison introduced Crazy Michelle 2.0 as "one of the most controversial and talked about women of the season". To which I say, "Mission: accomplished". It was pretty apparent, despite her protestations to the contrary, that was her modus operandi from the beginning.

* It was heartwarming to witness Chris Harrison's nurturing side when Crazy Michelle 2.0 thought of the death of a childhood pet in order to weep uncontrollably. Stacey the Barkeep kept going on about how her mother raised her and how she would raise her own daughter (but in no way casting any aspersions on the way Crazy Michelle 2.0 parents, understand), Harrison leaned over and consoled the future B-movie star, turning back to Stacey with a harsh, "Really?" He may also have (although this is unconfirmed at press time) popped a woody.

* Runner-up for Best Line of the episode goes to Crazy Michelle 2.0 for this gem:

"All of us have said an equal amount of things we regret about each other. For some reason I'm being targeted... Think if you were me."

Exactly. Just think of that for one second, you sanctimonious bee-atches.

* As a former sports reporter, and someone who has seen his fair share of absolutely bone-shakingly stupid questions sports reporters ask, I thought I heard them all. But former sports reporter Chris Harrison showed he's still got what it takes to be a professional jock sniffer. Check out this beauty of a question to the Nanny, who was absolutely shattered and full of self-doubt after being dumped by Mr. Brad:

Do you think you deserve to be happy?

"No, Chris, I don't. I'm a horrible, horrible person." What a Communist that Chris Harrison is! Isn't the Pursuit of Happiness, besides being a kick-ass 1980's power-pop band from Edmonton and a really shitty movie from 2006, also entrenched in the U.S. constitution? Words can't express how awesomely awful that question was, so I'll just leave it at that.

* I already miss the Undertaker!

That's it. Mr. Brad has picked a bride and we'll find out next week who it is. When he said she has "changed my life", I thought it had to be Miss Emily. I mean, she's got a 5-year-old and that would definitely change his life. But then I thought about Chantal's parents' wealth. Yep, that's a life changer, too. If he chooses Chantal, I think Emily will be fine. I can't see her even crying if she's not picked. But the other way around? Look out!

Week 9: Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust

2011-03-01T01:22:00.000-08:00

That was quite the episode, wasn't it? If Mr. Brad actually possessed emotions, that would have been a real emotional roller coaster. Let's waste no time. On with the random thoughts:

* Mr. Brad said at least a couple of times he's terrified of ending up alone. Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? I've never understood that expression before but I think I do now. Shouldn't he just concentrate on getting to know someone, liking them a lot, wanting to hang out with them, and see where that leads? He likes all the women. It wouldn't be unreasonable to think he might not know yet if one is marriage material. There's too much pressure to make the final rose an engagement, methinks.

* Mr. Brad is sticking to script no matter what was revealed last week. He called almost-dentist Ashley "an accomplished, professional woman."

* Loved Chantal's reaction to Mr. Brad's announcement of their date: a safari in South Africa. She looked dumbstruck. And, really, why wouldn't she be? I mean, who would have guessed that a safari would be in the cards when they're staying at a game reserve in Africa?

* Also loved Chantal's take on giraffes. Mr. Brad said they were gorgeous creatures and Chantal said, "In a weird way. You know what I mean?" No, no I'm not sure I do, Chantal. Weird? I don't quite get what you're saying about those animals with the eight-foot long neck.

* I'm sure every precaution is taken but one of these seasons there's going to be a tragedy on this show. I'm not sure having a picnic out in the wilds of Africa is the smartest date in the world, even if you do have a guide with a shotgun standing by. And here's a PS in case you didn't know: The number one killer in Africa is the hippopotamus. It's true. Look it up. They thought the one lurking behind them was so cute and cuddly.

* So much to love about this season, not the least of which is Mr. Brad's stiffness: "I'm an extremely happy guy right now," the Tin Man told Chantal tight-lipped without a hint of smile or a twinkle in his eye.

* Speaking of bad ideas, sleeping outside in a treehouse on a game reserve? Not I, thank you very much. Not only would I be freaked out a lion would climb the stairs, but the bugs would be problematic at best. At worst, there's the tse-tse fly.

* Chantal is in such a hurry to get hitched and I think I know why. She's gained at least 10 pounds, by her own admission, in the few weeks this show has been on the air. She desperately needs to hook a guy before she balloons up way out of control. That being said, I think she's the most natural beauty of the three.

* She does seem a tad unstable, though, no? I can't imagine how she'd react if she's dumped in two weeks. Should be good! Brad's TV therapist should be on stand-by.

* Miss Emily is the sweetest of the three. Also the most enigmatic. And when she reaches up to kiss Mr. Brad, the sexiest.

* There were some comments about Miss Emily's big ole teeth in the comments section last week. I think they're fine. Maybe they're fake, maybe not, but they're fine. And so's she.

* Miss Emily's line of the night: "I'm an open book." Not two seconds later: "I'm hard to read sometimes." She's the Finnegan's Wake of the three. Sure, go ahead, she's an open book. But try getting past page 5.

* I have an affinity for women who always look like they're secretly thinking about something funny, enjoying their own little jokes in their head. Miss Emily is like that. Gwyneth Paltrow is another.

* Ashley has no lips, just like Mr. Brad. I wonder if they kept chipping their teeth when they kissed and that's the real reason it didn't work out.

* And Miss Emily is a bit of an automaton, too, just like Mr. Brad. If he chooses her at the final rose ceremony, I wonder if they'll shake hands.

* Loved the awkward conversation between Ash and Mr. Brad. Was it him or her? At first I thought it was his fault. No, she didn't mention she'd want to live in Austin, but when she was saying she just wants to be around people she loves, I got it. That was her way of saying she'd follow her man to the ends of the Earth. But then she totally shut down when confronted.

* Wasn't Ash's video message to Mr. Brad the epitome of awesomeness? Especially when you consider the timing. She was final three and she gave a big f-you to him. I also loved her face when he pulled her from the rose ceremony to sit down and talk. And Mr. Brad gets big points for being so utterly clueless as he walked her to the car: "What is wrong with you?" he asked her. Classic.

That's about it. Predictions for the final two? Will he pick Chantal? Will he pick Miss Emily? Will he flake out again? I'd say Miss Emily, although you can't discount Chantal's parents' bank account. Add your predictions in the comment section and/or nasty remarks.

Week 8: Mr. Brad says goodbye to Lady Death

2011-02-21T22:33:00.000-08:00

Look at me! A non-post on the actual night of the actual telecast! So let's not waste any more time and get right to my random thoughts for the week:

* My first reaction to Emily calling our hero "Mr. Brad" was derision. But I grew to love it. I was talking the other day about how we all used to call our friends' parents Mr. or Mrs. Surname, or in some cases Uncle or Aunt So-and-So, and that we couldn't imagine kids calling us that now. But I want start that Mr./Mrs. First Name thing. And, in fact, from here on out it's Mr. Brad from me.

* Mr. Brad said about (or to) Chantal that he can't deal with an emotional roller coaster. Maybe he isn't ready to get married afterall.

* How rich is Chantal's family?! Holy crap. I thought they were walking up to a museum. They could film The Bachelor there. They even have a statue. Good lord. And why is it all rich women (here's looking at you, Mrs. Chantal's Mom) feel they need to get face lifts and Collagen? Yikes.

* I don't know what Chantal's dad does for a living, but he's a self-described "self-made man" and seems quite proud of that. When he asked Mr. Brad where he saw himself at the age of 45 or 50, Mr. Brad said happiness means family to him. This is the one time in the history of the franchise I thought that was the wrong answer. I got the impression Daddy Warbucks would be more impressed if Mr. Brad had a plan to be just as rich and successful on his own.

* Ashley gets points for introducing poutine to an American audience. But Mr. Brad couldn't have been serious when he said it looks delicious. Even though it's good, it looks like someone threw up on the fries.

* That had to be quite a culture shock going from the mansion in Seattle to the, er, modest home in Madawaska, Maine. That together with Ashley's sister, Lydia the Tattooed Lady, I thought for sure Ashley would be the one sent home.

* "She'll be a dentist." What the hell?! All season long the graphics have told us Ashley is a dentist. Why didn't it say "student"? This show is so full of it.

* Shawntel was my hands-down favourite, so in a way I'm kind of glad she got the boot. She's too good for Mr. Brad.

* Her tour of the crematory and funeral home gave Mr. Brad the creeps. How old is the guy? Mid-thirties and he says he's never even thought of death?

* Sweet Emily is pretty cool, too. "I made a new friend!" she told little Rickey. Boy, Mr. Brad is a real natural with kids, isn't he?... (Uh, no. The answer is no.)

* The robotic Mr. Brad was priceless when he told Emily, "I honestly don't think I could be happier right now" without a trace of a smile or twinkle in his eyes. Just the usual tight-lipped frown.

* When Mr. Brad was sitting down with Shawntel just before shoving her into the limo, he tried to soften the pain by saying, "I didn't feel like a man should feel when you tell him you love him. It's not your family; they were great." The women here will have to be the final judge, but I would have thought she'd rather it be her family's fault than the fact she just doesn't do it for him. Am I wrong?

* Upcoming highlights hint at trouble in South Africa. Oh, how I hope this train derails!

* Shawntel for Bachelorette! Get on it, producers!

Week 7: Rules are meant to be broken

2011-02-19T00:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I know. Almost a week left, so why bother? It's really inexcusable. In my defense, we were on holidays and didn't get back until Wednesday. And the lack of comments from last week's effort didn't exactly inspire me to get something up quickly for my faithful. So it's on you! Whew. That was easy. I'm good at shirking responsibility. But this I do vow: I will get next week's non-post up no later than Tuesday or your money back. Guaranteed.

Now onto the few random thoughts I had:

* That Emily is a tough nut to crack. I think she means well, but her communication needs work. Brad is totally smitten. When he asked her what he wanted to do on their one-on-one date, she replied, "I really don't even care." Awesome.

* I thought it was poor form on his part to pressure Emily to meet little Ricky. They both agree it would be tough for him to get down on one knee in a couple of weeks if he hasn't met her daughter, but the show doesn't need to end with a proposal. But it's all moot anyway. My old bête noire, the upcoming highlights, tells us he meets the kid next week.

* If Shawntel doesn't win it all, she's got my vote for the next Bachelorette. She's got it all: beauty, brains, confidence, sex appeal, girl-next-door appeal. Her one knock is an unsightly tramp stamp, but at least it's a good match for Brad's ridiculous back ink.

* Britt exudes whatever the opposite of charisma is.

* For a food writer, Britt doesn't look like she eats much. Maybe she just chews it then spits it out. The girl's a rake.

* Brad was breaking all the rules. Reminded me of Charlie Manson telling Tom Snyder, "I don't break the laws; I make the laws." First off telling Emily she'd be getting a rose, then sending poor Britt home when she thought she was on a pressure-free roseless date. Good thing they just happened to have a little boat waiting for her to get the hell off the yacht.

* Loved the insincere condolence hug from Crazy Michelle 2.0 when Britt breaks the news to the gals at the house.

* Has anyone seen the Sports Illustrated swim suit edition that just came out? Did any of the shots from the three girls make it in, as promised? Two of the three women didn't have the prototypical swimsuit model bodies. Crazy Michelle 2.0 was the exception. But Ashley and Chantal were like Laurel and Hardy. At least they knew it and showed confidence in their bodies, which men always like. Ashley screamed "no boobs!" while Chantal said she was feeling like a "fatty" after pigging out the last couple of days. Uh, that couldn't be from a couple of days, could it?

* Ashley has the most unique forehead wrinkles I've ever seen.

* Chantal's a mess. Brad was completely right in foreseeing nothing but head-butting with Crazy Michelle 2.0, so he was right to send her home. But Chantal's waterworks are a problem. I foresee lots and lots of needless drama with Chantal.

* Did anyone else hear Chantal swear on prime time network TV? I played it back twice and it sure sounded like she said, "It's been quite shitty" as the ladies were all clinking glasses.

* As bad an actress as Crazy Michelle 2.0 was, I was happy to see her respond appropriately after Brad forsook the cocktail party just to send her home. He asked if he could have her hand as he walked her to the limo and she said, "Uh, probably not." Then she got in and that was the last we heard from Crazy Michelle 2.0. And hopefully the last we'll ever hear from her. Her fifteen minutes has officially run out.

Week 6: Bugging out

2011-02-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

Finally got around to watching this week's installment of Fear Factor: Bachelor-Style. Forget Chris Harrison; Joe Rogan should host this thing. Without further ado, my random thoughts forthwith:

* Crazy Michelle 2.0 thinks Chantal is really aggressive, really over-confident and egotistical. As the great Mel Brooks as the 2000 Year Old Man once said, "We mock the things we are to be."

* The one-on-one date with Chantal is at the longest zip line in the world. I think they said it was half a mile, but that can't be right. Brad said he'd never zip-lined before. Does anyone remember what he did on his dates the first time through? He had never rappelled down the side of a building before, either. Was he on before the advent of fear-based dating? Did he go on actual real-life dates?

* I know it never rains in southern California. Is that true for Austin, Texas, too? Brad sure seems helpless with a little bit of precipitation. It started to pour at the zip line and he was practically beside himself: "I don't know what to do now." Then later he expressed the same near-panic at the wet stuff (I forget when and my chicken scratchings don't show it). I was kind of hoping for rain when he and Alli set out on the ponies.

* After getting all wet on his date with Chantal, they go to the only dry place they can find – a bedroom. And of course Chantal has to get out of her wet clothes. It's odd that every other date in the history of the show has the contestants bringing along several changes of clothing, but not this time. Poor Chantal is forced to don Brad's oversize work shirt. She was ready for the Fantasy Suite™ in record time.

* On the group date, the girls rappelled down a cliff beside a waterfall. Crazy Michelle 2.0 was pissed because she and Brad made a pact never to rappel down anything with anybody else. Or so that's how she interpreted it in her crazy stalker-like mind.

* Brad says, marveling at how well the women did, "I put these women to the test." Yeah, why is that? Why do dates need to be physically challenged to prove their worthiness?

* In conversation, sweet Emily tells Brad she's "starting to like" him. Oh, that's good. But don't hurry your pretty little self. Take your time.

* When Emily says she often finds herself sabotaging relationships, Brad is taken aback: "It makes me worried I may get hurt." Ha! Wouldn't that suck, Brad? I mean, who'd want to be hurt on national TV like that? That would like, oh, I don't know, leading two women on then picking neither of them. I mean, that's just a crazy example off the top of my head. Nobody would be that big a jerk.

* I called it. To myself, that is. As soon as he took off with Alli on their one-on-one date, I said she wouldn't get the rose.

* They go into a cave filled with spiders and bats (Alli, coincidentally, is terrified of bugs and isn't too fond of bats, either, for that matter). Brad says the cave is 40 million years old. That sound you heard was all the TVs shutting off in the red states.

* They show some forced small talk between Brad and Alli. But what did you expect? It was their first one-on-one date so of course she's going to be in the getting-to-know-him stage. Unfair, I say.

* Interesting editing. While they're sitting chatting about nothing in the cave, Brad's voice-over tells us his reservations about Alli, how he doesn't know if he can see her at the altar. Cut-to: dinner conversation. Alli tells Brad she broke up with her most serious boyfriend because she couldn't see herself at the altar with him. Obviously, Brad's voice-over came after the conversation. So it looks as if Alli supplied Brad with the out. She was the author of her own demise.

* After Crazy Michelle 2.0 is confronted by Brad, saying he doesn't like the direction they're heading, she brings on the tears. It's the first sign of fake vulnerability from the future D-list actress. All she can offer is, "I know I'm supposed to be here." And of course she knows. It says so right in her contract. The producers won't let Brad send her home. So instead poor Jackie is sent packing. Even though it should have been Crazy Michelle 2.0, he probably made the right choice because Jackie was unlike any of the other girls. Or, really, unlike any of the other girls in the history of the franchise. She just didn't belong.

* I think Britt must be the furthest along (final six) of any anonymous contestant in Bachelor history. Usually by this point, we know each of the women pretty well. But I'm not sure I'd recognize Britt if she knocked on my door right now.

* I loved the reaction they gave when Brad said they'd be going to Anguilla. "Oh my God!", they shrieked. Like they'd ever heard of it before.

That's it. Gotta run. Someone's at the door.

Week 5: Cirque du So Lame

2011-02-02T11:40:00.000-08:00

If it's Wednesday, it must be Bachelor viewing day. Yeah, sorry about that. But what do you expect? I'm not blogging anyway. So I watch it when I get around to it. I appreciate the comments, though. Keep 'em coming. I guess when I post this so long after the fact, it doesn't exactly lend itself to hits and comments. Oh well, as the French say, "It is the life."

* I always really liked Nancy McKeon (aka Jo from Facts of Life) so is my crush on funeral director Shawntel a reflection of that? I don't think so. She seems normal. As Brad so aptly put it, "She's sexy without trying to be, which makes her even sexier." Exactly. And smart, too. Something's got to give, though.

* Shawntel McKeon got to go on a shopping spree, which enraged the rest of the field, especially the heretofore quiet Marissa, who showed us her ugly and hard side. So I wasn't surprised to see her go home.

* There's a real disconnect between the group shots of Crazy Michelle 2.0 (the Elizabeth Hurley lookalike) and her private interviews with the camera crew. In the former, she seems to get along with everyone and look somewhat sane. In private, she's an absolute nut job ("I am fun and hot." "I don't like them.") Which only supports my theory that she's trying super hard to be a character type (unstable bad girl) so she'll be noticed not so much by Brad but by Hollywood. Hollywood doesn't punish antisocial behaviour; it encourages it because it can make money off it. The worst part of it is how bad an actress she is. She's Madonna bad.

* Brad may not have known about Emily Parton's ex-fiancé being a NASCAR racer, but the producers did. I don't think we can just say Brad came up with the date. These dates and locations are all promos planned well in advance. But it all worked out. It was emotional for Em, but cathartic.

* The Bachelor Blogger Humanitarian Award™ goes to Alli (the brunette Jenny McCarthy) for her understanding of and caring for her fellow castmate, Emily, who went through an emotional time at the Las Vegas NASCAR racetrack, the very same track her fiancé had crashed and ended his driving career before dying in a plane crash on the way to another NASCAR event as an owner. Brad took Emily aside a couple times to make sure she was okay and to let her know she didn't have to get in the car. In receiving the award, Alli said, "We all have problems. We've all been through things." She went on to say, "Just because somebody comes in with the worst story means they get the most attention?" Congratulations Alli McCarthy! Your empathy knows no bounds.

* In a private talk with Brad, Alli blubbers, "It's hard to feel special" when he goes off with "the same girl time after time after time." For the record, he took Emily aside three times that day.

* Brad is still worried that Emily Parton has only been in love once in her life and single for the last six years. She may be a shy and demure southern belle but she's smart as a whip. She reminded him that he's only been in love once before. He corrected her, saying it was more than once. She retorted, "Well, you're a little older than me, m'dear." Touché! You go, girl.

* I've seen Cirque du Soleil three times now and it's an amazing show. You can't know until you experience one. I always thought it looked lame on TV – and it does – but live it's spectacular. That being said, why would any paying audience want to watch two amateurs (Brad and Dentist Ashley) perform? I'd like to think it takes great skill and years of experience to do what they do. Who knew it takes about an hour of rehearsal on the same day of the performance?

* Nanny Ashley has the cutest sob. When cut loose, she blubbered with the best of them. And when she said, "I just feel really sad" it sounded just like a five-year-old kid. If you stuck around to watch the out-take at the end, you'll have seen her with a giant teddy bear that she couldn't bear to part with going to Vegas. So I'm guessing it was a good move by Brad to let her go. Maybe once she goes through puberty she'd make better wife material.

* The Bachelor Blogger Best Editing Award™ goes to the segment where Brad and Dentist Ashley are swinging through the air to the tune of Elvis singing Are You Lonesome Tonight juxtaposed with shots of Nanny Ashley weeping in the limo ("Is your heart filled with pain?"). Well done.

* Before and after the upcoming highlights, Chris Harrison announces that this is the "most controversial season of The Bachelor". That's the first we've heard that, isn't it? What was the last most controversial season? Was it Womack's first time through where he picked no one? What could top that? Could it be that he picks no one a second time? That's all I can think of. Any other predictions of what could make this the most controversial season, please leave them in the comments section.

Week 4: A black eye on the franchise

2011-01-25T12:39:00.001-08:00

Well, here we are again. Another non-edition of the non-blog. Hope you're not enjoying it. I feel warmed by the odd comments I'm getting. I just got my first Bachelor-related press release in last week's non-entry. Oh sure, I stop blogging and now they come to me. I guess playing hard to get really does work. To save you from going back and viewing it, I'll reprint it here:

David Good Book Signing and Bachelor Viewing Party!

Monday, January 31st, 7pm to 11pm

Reality TV personality David Good got a second chance on ABC’s "Bachelor Pad" this summer (which he won!) after being on Season 5 of "The Bachelorette".

These days, he’s hoping the world gives him a first chance as an author of his newly released book, The Man Code: A Woman’s Guide To Cracking The Tough Guy.

As unlikely a messenger may seem, his book gives women a look under the hood, and how it pertains to relationships from the boardroom to the bedroom – helping them crack the code to understanding "men's men"!

Free Hour Open Bar from 7pm to 8pm and Drink Specials all night!

Village Pourhouse
64 Third Ave (at 11th Street)
New York, NY 10003
www.villagepourhouse.com
212.979.2337

So if any of the readers here are in the New York area and have long wondered what a psychopath looks like in person, there you go. Glad to know the movers and shakers of the Manhattan book publishing world know we exist.

Now, on with the show and my ever-increasing random thoughts. (God, I hope this doesn't turn into a real blog post!):

* Did they cast this season from a celebrity look-alike agency? Check out these photos and tell me they don't resemble the contestants.

We've got Elizabeth Hurley (Crazy Michelle 2.0)

Neve Campbell (dearly departed Meghan)

Dolly Parton (sweet, tortured Emily) – Okay, it's more her sweet Southern personality she resembles

Shannon Doherty (Tough as Rubber Nails Chantal)

a brunette Jenny McCarthy (Alli)

Nancy McKeon (funereal Shawntel).

* So Crazy Michelle 2.0 wakes up with a black eye. How is that possible? Poor darling. Oh wait, she basically reveals how she got it when she says, "Who wakes up with a black eye? So I deserve a one-on-one date." Now the question is, how did she give herself one? Where are the cameras when you need them?

* Anyone notice the continuity problem on the first one-on-one date? A red and yellow helicopter picks Brad and Chantal up and flies them off. They wear green headphones. When we come back from commercial, they're in a blue and greyish chopper with no headphones.

* Do we really need to overcome our totally rational fears in order to fall in love? I understand overcoming irrational ones, but there's very good reason to be afraid of walking on the ocean floor or rappelling down the side of a skyscraper. Chantel, who's really afraid of the deep sea, said, "If I don't do something that scares me, it'll show him I'm not willing to take chances for him." Seriously? I'm sure he'll use that to his advantage if he ever gets the chance to poke her in the bum: "C'mon, baby. If you really loved me, you'd let me."

* How old is Brad? Is he aging fast or what? If he's only in his 30s, he's going to look ancient in his 40s.

* The group date is in the studio with the narcissistic man of medicine, Dr. Drew. They make it seem like they're all going to be guests on his radio show, but nope. They just use the studio as a backdrop to plug his show. Nobody was speaking into a microphone and it wasn't on air. At least not what we saw, even though Dr. Drew's cohost did a fake intro for them. Even Dr. Drew, who scrapes the bottom of the barrel with his Celebrity Rehab show, wouldn't stoop so low as to have these fake relationships on Love Line. The man clearly has standards.

* During the chat, bartender Stacey revealed she cheated on a guy in college. In a shocking development, Stacey wasn't given a rose this week.

* Maybe I'm too anal (not that way, despite the above comment), but I'd just like to hear the rules up front. Is that too much to ask for? Wouldn't we all be better served? Alli sits down with Brad and gets interrupted almost immediately. Why can't she refuse? Why can't Brad be a man and step up, telling the interloper (Ashley S.) that he'll talk to her in a bit? But we get a hint of those rules when Ashley S. herself was interrupted pretty quickly and says, "That's the name of the game."

* Ashley H. is the dentist. Do you think it hurts or helps her career that she's on national television admitting that she's emotionally unstable?

* Crazy Michelle 2.0 is so obviously acting. And poorly, too. She's so over-the-top obnoxious I refuse to believe she's a real person.

* On her well-deserved black eye one-on-one date, she's whisked off in a helicopter and loves it. She calls it exhilarating, admiring the beautiful scenery. Then when the 'copter lands on a skyscraper, she claims she's really afraid of heights and freaks out. Would she be so comfortable in a helicopter if she's so deathly afraid of heights? Or did she want to play up a fake fear of heights in order to show Brad that she was totally doing this just for him? Not ten feet down the side of the building she laughs. She conquered her fears pretty damn quickly, I'd say.

* Seeing them wear helmets as they rappelled down the tower reminded me of the Jerry Seinfeld joke about the use of helmets in skydiving: "What is the point of the helmet in the skydiving? I mean, can you kinda make it? You jump out of that plane and that chute doesn't open, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet's talking with the other helmets going 'It's a good thing that he was there or I would have hit the ground directly.'"

* Funniest line of the night goes to Brad (to Crazy Michelle 2.0): "You're a mature woman." Funny on so many levels because a) she's not at all, b) he has no idea, or c) it was a shot at her crow's feet (she's the oldest one there).

* No sooner after wondering if Brad might be the kissiest Bachelor in history does he tell his therapist he takes things really slow, even with kissing, which is a big deal to him. That's Brad forgetting this whole ordeal is televised.

* I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the therapist Brad sees has no female clients. Yeah, Brad, it's totally natural to have feelings for multiple women, and what's more, you should go for it. He stopped just short of saying you don't buy a car without taking it for a test drive.

* I couldn't believe the gnashing of teeth over the pity picnic for Emily at the cocktail party. Chantal, who seemed so together, completely lost it.

* Throughout the show I kept seeing glimpses of women I had no recollection ever seeing before. Of course they didn't speak. Yet despite all these anonymous faces, only three gals were sent home this week. Cut to the chase, producers! Let's keep this thing moving and drop some of these forgettable head cases.

* So far we've had a karaoke date with a girl who can't sing, a deep sea walk with a girl afraid of the water, and a office tower rappel with a girl afraid of heights. Coincidence? You might think so unless you watched the upcoming highlights. Next week, The Bachelor franchise sinks to new depths by taking Sweet Tortured Emily to a car racing track. Brad says, "Something's wrong with Emily." Gee, really? Hmm, I wonder why that would be. A black eye, indeed.

Comments? Yes, please.

Week 3: The Toothless Vampire

2011-01-18T23:30:00.000-08:00

I mentioned I'm not blogging this season, right? Good. Just so we're on the same page.

But random comments by me (and you) can be found here each week when I get around to watching, which, this week, was Tuesday night:

* Is there no communication between Brad and the producers when deciding on a date? Clearly, Brad didn't choose to go on the most expensive karaoke date ever and book "Mr. Seal" as the surprise guest. That's something the producers agreed to in order to jumpstart Seal's career, never once stopping to ask Brad if he can, you know, carry a tune. That was just an embarrassing display of singing. And considering Ashley the Nanny has been terrified of singing before anyone her whole life, you have to ask yourself why this happened at all.

* Now I know why agent for Mr. Seal approached the show: I've been humming that damned song for two hours now and I don't foresee a quick coda.

* I like Ashley the Nanny. She felt like her deceased father, who loved the song, was there singing along with them. Presumably as he was rolling over in his grave.

* Does anyone like the play-acting we have to endure each season? This time it was an action "movie".

* Speaking of play-acting, I get the very real sense that Hideous Beauty Michelle (are all Michelles jealous sociopaths or just the ones on this series?) is playing a role. It's way too over the top. There has been zero consequence for any of the previous "villains" in past seasons, so there's no down side to be bat-shit crazy. More screen time, and you can always blame the editors for giving you a bad edit.

* When the Seattle Tough Chick got all verklempt with Brad, nobody interrupted her. Which just goes to show the producers are behind all the interruptions. Shocking, I know.

* Last week I wrote that according to this show, "all southern belles are widowed single moms who are the salt of the earth." I completely forgot the other parallel to the last one (anyone remember her name?): both of them lost their husbands in a plane crash. What are the odds? Emily was brave to take that little plane with Brad. I wouldn't have. (As an aside, she kinda reminds me of Dolly Parton, without the lung capacity.)

* I really like Shawntel the Funeral Director. At least what I've seen so far. She really reminds me of someone but can't quite figure out who. The only name I can come up with is Jo from The Facts of Life.

* In what world is the Vampire a model? The netherworld, maybe.

* Therapy must really work. After just two minutes with his L.A. therapist, Brad "finally reached the turning point".

* Did the Toothless Vampire selflessly take herself out of the running, or did she realize she had no chance and wanted to save herself the embarrassment of the roseless walk of shame? Methinks the latter.

* Sarah the Rejected Real Estate Broker's running mascara was a thing of beauty and a joy forever. I don't want to poke fun of any pain she might be feeling, but I'm sure she's over it now and she and her family and friends all shared a mighty guffaw over her impeccable Lucille Ball impression.

That's all. I'll be back to not blog about next week's episode. Until then.

Week 2: Brad hasn't quit yet

2011-01-11T01:12:00.000-08:00

Still not posting... still not posting... still not posting.

But while I'm here, it's amazing the loonies they get each and every season, isn't it? Do they know ahead of time which ones will be psycho crazy? Or is it just luck of the draw?

I thought each of the one-on-one dates (the dentist and the artist) were both good, but I think the dentist is probably better suited for the 2-time Bachelor. Jackie's just too cute, young and naive. Brad described her as sophisticated but she looks like a flighty, artsy tomboy to me. In a good sense.

Don't remember too much of anyone else but I did notice he kept the vampire around another week because, you know, he's serious about finding a wife.

More atrocious and ridiculous fake acting on the group date and I see they're going to be doing more fake acting in an upcoming episode. Because that never gets old. Can't wait till they break out the helicopter.

It was nice to see whatserface and whatsisname again. God, I'm bad with names. Roberto is the guy... Oh, and Ali. Is that the correct spelling? I hate to be catty but someone should tell Ali that slacks are a nice option.

Glad the two drama queens made a quick exit. One more to go with the Utah beauty. I can't believe they made her spend her 30th birthday on national TV filming a public service announcement for the Red Cross, those rat bastards. If I've learned one thing from watching this show over the years is that drop-dead gorgeous women are Trouble with a capital T, that rhymes with B, which stands for Bitch. And that all southern belles are widowed single moms who are the salt of the earth.

Oh, and my pet peeve – duplicate names. I say it each season. There really is no need for contestants with the same name. Surely there's a large pool of candidates. If they find they have two with the same first name, tell one of them they'll invite them back to the next season. Either that or call one of them by their middle name. But it's too confusing with a room full of strangers. It's hard enough keeping up with the ones with different names.

That's all I got. Thanks to my loyal readers Jenn and Anonymous for their comments. Keep 'em coming. Surely you guys have more to say than I gave you.

Bachelor Rerun

2011-01-05T22:18:00.000-08:00

I guess I should let my faithful readers know I've retired from Bachelor blogging. I'm still watching, though... so far. Hoping Womack either doesn't choose anyone again, or they don't choose him. And why should they? How serious can he be in looking for a wife when he keeps around the vampiress? She has potential? Gimme a break.

What? That was almost blog-like. I better stop now. But I'd love to read everyone's comments. Who knows, it may even inspire me to add a paragraph every week.

Over to you.

BP: That's all she wrote

2010-09-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

So that's that.

Not much to read here because, well, I didn't watch the finale. Basketball season started and I got home when my wife was watching the last 20 minutes. During the Bachelor/ette season, I'd go upstairs until she was finished then watch it all on the PVR. But why bother with this show? So I watched the last 20 minutes with her and never looked back. If I had been home, I would have watched for sure, but I felt no pressing need to catch it no matter what. And that can't be a good thing for a series. That would be like watching every single NFL regular season game then skipping the Super Bowl. When your fans are doing that, there's a problem. Thumbs down from me and the Fonz.

What was it about it? I liked it at first. I think maybe it's because I can't root for the overdog. The least likable people should not win in my books. I didn't like how the show favoured couples since they said it was just a contest for $250,000. I didn't like the duplicity.

So this much I know:

Gia and her collagen split up with her boyfriend (thanks Bachelor Pad!) and hooked up with Wes.
Wes continues to sing that nauseating song. Figured out why: It's not that it's the only one he knows how to play; but when I saw everyone singing along to it, I knew it was to ingrain it in all our brains so it becomes a hit. If I never hear it again, it'll be too soon.
Elizabeth and Kovacs have split up (thanks Bachelor Pad!).
David's still arrogant.
Natalie's still vapid.
When Michelle called out Tenley, all Tenley could do was apologize, but she didn't say if she was misunderstood or didn't mean to spread lies. So the apology was moot, I'd say. You can't punch someone in the face and then say sorry and expect to get away with it. Either it was a misunderstanding or an outright deceit. Only one is excusable.
I kinda liked the Prisoner's Dilemma situation with the voting, but you know they coached Natalie on her last line, making us think she voted to keep the money. What were they so excited about, though? They were in it to win $250,000, which, after taxes, would still be a couple hundred grand or close to it. And they wound up with $125,000, which, after taxes, is quite a bit less than one hundred grand. I know, nothing to sneeze at, but it's not what they came for, either.
Melissa is still adorably cute but doesn't have the gravitas to be a good host.

That's it. Let's hear what you think (if you even watched).

BP: Turncoats galore

2010-09-07T01:14:00.000-07:00

Well, back home after a week away. That means tucking our son in upstairs, far away from the ugly glare of the Bachelor Pad. Thankfully there were no questions from him last week, but he’s probably ruminating about all he witnessed and one day it will come out. Hopefully not on the first day of grade one tomorrow.

Reader Sara wondered in comments section last week if there’d be a "Pad Tells All" type of show. Turns out there will be. And thank God for that. There are so many unanswered questions. Like is Gia single again? Are Elizabeth and Kovacs still a couple? Is the Weather Man out of the closet? Has Gwen had another facelift?

But that’s next week, when this will all be over. Let’s concentrate on this week, if anyone’s still watching (or reading). Here are my random thoughts for the week:

Reader Sara also mentioned how the edit Elizabeth is getting is not doing her any favours, yet Kovacs, an otherwise sane guy, seems to have strong feelings for her. Ditto Krisily. She was fairly innocuous, wasn’t she? Yet the show starts off with Kovacs saying she’s the last annoying person to be voted off. The edits don’t jibe with what we hear from the competitors.
Someone had to say it. I don’t remember who it was (one of the ‘in’ guys), but they said, “Don’t hate the players; hate the game.” Can’t we do both?
When the group finds out there will be spin the bottle, Natalie seems upset, saying, “Are you kidding me?” Is she kidding us? We know she took a kick in the gut last week when everyone voted her a perennial bridesmaid, and she vowed to prove everyone wrong, but it was only a couple weeks ago she was ramming her tongue down everyone’s throat. Yes, even the Weather Man’s. And she said she’d make out with everyone in the house for 20 bucks.
More weird editing. Kovacs says Elizabeth has a “screw loose” and is “unstable”, yet he chooses her as a partner and shows genuine affection for her (i.e. shtups her in the fantasy suite).
Gwen, Nikki and Ashley were sent packing, which seemed unfair. I think everyone should have been told it was going to be a couples contest down the road. It would have been way more fun watching everyone try to hook up with someone and we could have watched as they became increasingly desperate. I mean, more desperate than they are.
Bachelor Pad has had some lame contests, but God bless darling Melissa for trying her best to ramp up the excitement with her one sentence per episode. She told the gang, “You’re going to be playing catch...” (insert pregnant pause, and not just because she’s with child) “... with a water balloon!” Wow! A water balloon?! I’ve never heard of such a crazy game of catch, Melissa! That totally threw me for a loop. Man, I thought it was crazy that they’d be playing a game of catch, but throw in that kicker like you did and I was absolutely floored.
Jesse, that classless halfwit, was all class when his partner Peyton blamed herself for losing the balloon toss. He proved himself to be a gentleman when it got right down to it. And a great teammate.
God, I love Tenley. She is just so lovably dumb. She’s like a puppy. A really, really stupid puppy. The date card read, “Spend the night under the stars.” Everyone was guessing camping, but Tenley kept saying, without a hint of irony, “Oh my gosh, what if you’re going in a rocket?!”
Kiptyn seems like a bright guy, doesn’t he? Yet he's with Tenley. That dumb routine (if you can call being really dumb a “routine”) could get old in a hurry in a dating situation out in the real world.
Speaking of dumb, Natalie says that watching Dave drive the yellow Lamborghini convertible could be a glimpse into her future. This after David says that driving the car is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. (Psst, Natalie, the car’s not his!)
Changing the contest into a couple’s contest made me think the franchise is desperate to find romantic success stories. They’re hoping one or more of these couples goes on to find real love in real life. I wouldn’t bet on it.
Dave showed complexity by talking about the love he had for his father, the breakup of his parents, and the falling out he had with his dad. Touching stuff. But talking about his stubborn streak and throwing a chair through a wall should have been a big old red flag for Natalie. Instead she swooned.
Finally, confirmation of sex in the fantasy suite. We’ve always known what goes on in there, but it’s never been said. Tonight Elizabeth whispered to Kovacs, “You got laid.” The icky part is that the lights were out and they were under the covers. Why is that icky? It just made me think that the cameras were rolling during the sex.
Also, was this their first time in the six months they’ve been together? I doubt it, but they sort of made it seem that way. Also, Elizabeth uttered those three magic words every guy loves to hear: “I’m not pregnant.” No, wait. Not those. These: “I love you.” I’ve got three words for Kovacs, too: “Screw. Loose. Unbalanced.” Remember those.
I didn’t like the deceit in the voting. Natalie was the ring leader in trying to get people to vote off Elizabeth and Kovacs because they’re the stronger couple, yet she voted off Peyton and Jesse. Woman code my ass. I think Jesse made a great point to Kiptyn. Next week it’s going to be Kiptyn, David and Kovacs. Since David and Kovacs have vowed to be the last two standing, that means they’ll vote him off. Maybe Kiptyn is the perfect match for Tenley afterall.

That’s it. Next week the big finale. And then Monday nights are mine again.

BP: And the survey says...

2010-08-30T22:13:00.000-07:00

I think my enjoyment of this week's episode were tempered a bit by the fact we're in a cheap one-room motel on the road and my 5-year-old was awake on his bed watching the show for the first time. The first half of it, anyway. But I made a rule: No questions or talking. Not just because I'd miss the scintillating dialogue, but because I'm not sure I wanted to hear what was going through his mind and I doubt very much I could answer his queries. Hopefully the experience didn't damage him too much. He fell asleep. Maybe we'll get some questions in the morning. Meanwhile, some idle thoughts:

Dave couldn't hide his alpha-male personality for long, could he? But he hid it longer than I thought he would have. I'm waiting anxiously for his invocation of the Man Code.
Why didn't we get to see the boxing match between Wes and Dave? Who would your money be on? Dave has the body to pummel Wes, but I bet Wes is a better dirty fighter.
And the very mention of a survey, Tenley starts blubbering. Love it!
I wish I had all the questions from the survey so I could answer them. Of the ones we heard, here are my picks: Who's going to win?: Ashley. My biggest enemy: David. Most shallow: Natalie. Dumbest: Jesse. Secret crush: Natalie. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride: Nikki. Biggest jerk: David. Worst boob job: Elizabeth.
Lots of surprises in the real answers. Biggest enemy was Krisily. Huh? Dumbest was Gwen. How does anyone know? She never says anything. She could be the smartest one there for all we know. Secret crush was Dave. Brutal. Worst boob job (and shallowest) was Elizabeth, rightly, but Krisily got a vote. I gotta admit I never noticed. I was going to say Gia would get the vote if she were still around but then I figured she'd win for best boob job, not worst.
If anything positive came out of this survey, it's that Natalie was most likely scared straight. Maybe she'll change her ways. But if there's a new survey, most likely to marry out of spite, I'd vote for Natalie in a second.
Ashley gets some airtime and my wife and I both go, who? Honestly, I thought she and Krisily were the same person.
On Tenley and Kiptyn's one-on-one date, it entertains me no end to see the excitement a helicopter can bring.
Kovacs says, totally sincerely, that in his eyes Elizabeth is perfect. I'd like to think that if we saw the out-takes, we'd see him and the crew laughing their heads off immediately after he said it.
On her date, Tenley said she thought the rose offering means the recipient will take the next step with her. Uh, wrong show, dummy. Sweet, naive Tenley.
Breaking news: Tenley reveals she had sex with Jake. She said she hadn't "been with a man" since Jake broke her heart.
I lose a little respect for Peyton when she gushes over the simpleton, Jesse, calling him the hottest guy in the house, tons of fun, and gorgeous. I gain a little respect back for her when she is rightfully disgusted by his belching and other antics, like chugging a martini. But really, what did she expect? It was no surprise to me.
The old broad, Gwen, says that no matter what happens, "I've really captured who I am" on the show. Oh, okay, so she really is dumb. Maybe that's why she usually keeps quiet so she doesn't put her foot in her mouth like that.
Krisily and Wes get sent packing. Strangely, for the first time in Bachelor-related product, the people getting the boot are given some final public words in front of everyone. Will this be a new feature? It should be. Krisily calls everyone out. That's exactly what you want from an opportunity like this. Wes, meanwhile, leaves with a classy, "I had a helluva time." Boring. Big difference from his exit on Jillian's season.

And that's that. Looks like next week should be fun when three women get sent home in the morning. And we'll be back home then, too, so my son won't have to witness such shenanigans again.

BP: The comeuppance

2010-08-24T00:56:00.001-07:00

This was an important week for Bachelor Pad. After a strong first episode, they followed up with a pie-eating contest. I'm guessing they lost a lot of viewers last week. And lots more were sent to the fence, where they are now perched precariously.

So where are we? I dunno. The show is frustrating as hell, but I think it picked up a bit over last week. But a kissing contest will do that.

So, as per usual, some random thoughts:

I can't believe no one called Gia out over her deceit last week while she was blaming poor old Nikki for voting out Craig.
I'm not a master strategist, but I still don't get why it was so important to the outsiders that Kiptyn be the one to be voted out last week. I get that they want break up the couples, but he wasn't the only one in a shallow relationship.
What the hell is Melissa doing? Her jobs this week were twofold: Explain the contest and silently hand out the roses.
Ashley, a teacher we learn tonight, backed out of the kissing contest because she doesn't want to lose the respect of her students. Um, okay. But like your virginity, you can't lose something you already lost.
When Ashley bowed out, she took off her blindfold, saw all the guys standing in line with numbers around their necks, then went back inside with the other girls. Later we saw them all talking amongst themselves while the contest was still going on about who was who.
Gia withdrew halfway through, in tears. She has a boyfriend back home, doncha know? And she'd never do anything to hurt him.
I was hoping they'd put Melissa in Gia's place just to give her something else to do.
Jonathan, the Weatherman, was the litmus test for the ladies. Most couldn't even fake a meaningful kiss with the guy, but Natalie, who says she'd make out with any guy there for 20 bucks, and Elizabeth both thrust their tongues into his mouth. Classic post-kiss reactions by them, rubbing away the germs, while innocent Jonathan's pants got tighter.
I'm going to harp on this every week, but in all competitions I want to see the results. That is, I want to know where all the votes went. Don't just tell me the final result. I also think it'd make for better strategy for everyone there to know exactly who was getting votes for what. Not to mention making it seem more on the up-and-up.
David and Peyton won the competition. My first reaction: Who's Peyton?
David got to go to Vegas with Nikki, Krisily and Natalie. They go to a topless pool and Natalie is the only one who shines (so to speak). She even said she'd take off her pants if David did. Needless to say, she got the rose. Let that be a lesson for the ladies. On the way back home, Nikki says, "Maybe we should have gone topless." Uh, yeah. Are you in it to win it or what?
David and Natalie get to forgo their individual rooms for a night in the fantasy suite. They get it on, but mum's the word. As Dave says, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Now I know what that means. But I'm sure Natalie will blurt it out at some point. They are now a couple. And a perfect match, I'd say.
Peyton took Kovacs, Kiptyn and Jesse drag racing. She gives the rose to Jesse and their fantasy suite is back at the mansion. It looks very ordinary. Why don't they just call it what it is: the Sex Room.
Kiptyn flat-out lies to Peyton. And he's good at it. He looks like a good guy but he's obviously a sociopath.
I love that Elizabeth was all verklempt over the date Kovacs went on when she tongued every guy in the house. And I love that Kovacs tells us that Elizabeth is ruining things for him. She is a nervous breakdown waiting to happen.
Okay, she's not the only one. I fear for Tenley's psychological health.
Gia continued to be a piece of work this week, flirting outrageously with Wes. "If I leave, I better see you... If I were to be tempted in the house, Wes would be the guy to do it..." Yeah, keep it in the subjunctive. That way you have an out with your boyfriend.
Wes croons the hit we've all grown to know and loathe. My wife said, "Does he have no other songs?" Why should he? Every woman he plays it to melts. That piece of nasal crap is the biggest aphrodisiac in the world, it appears. It got Gia to go ga-ga about what a talented, beautiful person Wes is. He's a "modern day Shakespeare but better and cuter!" And if Shakespeare had zero talent.
Gia tells Kiptyn, who she tried to boot off last week, "I think you know I'm pretty honest." Yeah, tell that to Craig, who you promised would get the rose.
Elizabeth may be a lot of negative things, but she's not stupid or unaware. She says about the Weatherman, "I don't think he's funny; I don't think he's cute."
What was Wes going on about with his strategizing? If Elizabeth doesn't get sent home, Kovacs will be the next to go. Even if that were true, what difference would it make to anyone?
The Weatherman finally got sent home, just in time for hurricane season. There was a tie between Gia and Elizabeth. David, the contest winner, got to make the final decision: See ya later Gia. She gets her comeuppance. On her way out she tells Wes she loves him. She's gone back to her wonderful boyfriend and no doubt spent the next few weeks keeping him away from the TV. Who knows? Maybe she arranged a vacation with him to Antarctica.

Has the show lost anyone? You all still with it?

BP: Barf-o-rama

2010-08-17T01:12:00.000-07:00

We'll keep doing what we're doing, giving a few thoughts on this oil spill of a show and then read what you guys have to say.

Network television is an exclusive club. Only the best of the best get to work on the dreck they put out over the airwaves. Any doofus could come up with a pie-eating contest but the big brains at the network give it that extra oomph – no hands! Genius! Clear that spot on your mantle for your Emmy Awards now. I cut them some slack for Twister last week just because of the numerous crotch shots, but pie eating? Gross on so many levels.
Is it rude to say I thought Nikki would win in a cakewalk? Er, piewalk? But no, it was Gia. And the Weatherman. The producers have got to do a better job with the always obvious foreshadowing. Last week, Craig absolutely had to win Twister; it was the only way he could stick around. This week, there's no way the slight Gia and the Weatherman could possibly win... and they do.
It's a veritable barf-fest. But that's gotta be status quo for Gia, the swimsuit model, right? Eat, purge, eat, purge.
Why did they force the women to be interviewed with pie on their faces? Or was it they just couldn't feel it over the collagen?
Cute Melissa, the pretend host, does not suit pumps. Also, she's pregnant and shouldn't be wearing them.
Jonathan, the Weatherman, fakes a love interest in Gwen. He can't believe all they have in common: they both love tennis, they both love to be creative, they both love Positano, Italy, they both love dudes. Gwen, to her credit, says it's not gonna happen in a million years.
I get who the insiders and outsiders are, but I was a little confused about the implications of who to keep and who to get rid of. Why the cabals? Why not just everyone vote blindly not knowing what the others are doing? But I guess we need the whispering and backstabbing.
But if the outsiders need to take over the house, why is it so important that Kypton, the most benign of the insiders, be the one to go? Why not any of the other jerky insider guys?
Gia turned quick, didn't she? She's the only one in a "committed relationship" and told Craig to his face he'd get the rose, but the second she came under Wes's Texas charms, she wilted. Not only does she prove herself to be a liar, but also someone not all that committed.
I love it when Tenley cries. Next to Lucille Ball, her cry is my favourite TV cry of all time.
Who chose Chris Harrison's shirt and tie? The same person who came up with the pie-eating contest, I'm guessing. And possibly the same person who chose Natalie's tu-tu.
Still no results of the votes. I can't be on board with that. The people have a right to know! Not only that, but the contestants have a right to know who else got votes.
The Canadians get the boot. Typical. Tell me that wasn't planned by the producers. There's no way they let a Canuck take home a quarter of a million U.S. dollars (American readers might be interested to know that Canadians don't have to pay taxes on prizes and lotto winnings, although I guess they'd have to pay some American tax if that's where they got the money). So long Jessie and Craig. We hardly knew ye.
Gia wonders who it was who stabbed the outsiders in the back. She said one person fucked them. Well, boo-freakin'-hoo for her. I never believed in karma until tonight. Hopefully she'll be voted off soon and goes home to an empty apartment. She won't even have Wes because that cowboy can't be tied down. Or trusted. No siree, love don't come easy. Or so they say.

There you go. What did I miss?

Bachelor Pad: Bringing out the best in everyone

2010-08-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

So... Bachelor Pad. I said I wouldn't blog on it and I'm not. Although here I am. But I didn't write while watching. Didn't take notes. I just thought I'd jot down a few thoughts after the fact as a way to spur on comments from everyone else. This can be your place to share your views and we can all be in on this together. I'll go first; you add your take on it in the comments section.

I think I like this show more than the Bachelor/ette! It is that good/bad. It's awesomeness at its most awesome.
Bachelor Pad is the perfect name because it sure seems like all the women are extra hormonal.
The terminally cute Melissa Rycroft is the new Vanna White. Why is she even on the show? Give her a role, put her in a bikini (I don't care if she's pregnant), or get her off. But don't just have her standing around looking cute while Chris Harrison does all the heavy lifting.
I don't know if Elizabeth Kitt looks worse with her blonde 'do or if she's just uglier on the inside and it's just making its way out. Man, that woman can play games, can't she? Great game strategy getting the unrequited love of your life to pretend to love you back, but I'm not so sure it's a sound life strategy.
You all know I kinda had a thing for the psycho Michelle Kujawa. I really, really wanted her to stick around. Not just because I love her look, but because she's certifiable. She'd have been great in the weeks ahead as things get even more ramped up.
How rigged was that competition? I mean, all the girls want Craig McKinnon (aka the Sarnia Sleaze) voted off and surprise, surprise he wins the big Twister competition. Speaking of that game, we finally have proof these people are not in Mensa. I couldn't believe so many don't know right from left.
Something else I didn't know: that Jessie Sulidis had such a hot little body. She's more than just a rat, it turns out. Or she's a rat with a killer bod. I shouldn't be surprised since she always reminded me of Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island and I always liked Mary Ann way more than Ginger.
I still can't stand the Weather Man, Jonathan Novack. And how much time off can he get from being a weather man? Doesn't he have a job? Hell, don't any of them have jobs? Is Ali the only one who cares about her employer?
Tenley Molzhan... so much for America's sweetheart. What I can't figure out is why all these beautiful young people with a small measure of fame are still single. With all they have going for them, if they can't find someone to love, it's time for them to look in that deep, dark, truthful mirror.
Yes, I know Gia Allemand and her fake cat lips apparently have a boyfriend. But we'll see how long that lasts.
Peyton, Ashley, Krisily, and especially Gwen: I have no idea who you are. But I love the fact that Gwen, who's obviously had some work done and was on the second season way back whenever that was, gives her age as ??. She's a lady, you see. And a lady never reveals her age... once she reaches 40.

That's it from me. Your turn. Don't be shy.

Week 11: The finale... finally

2010-08-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well. Is there even any point to writing this blog, three days after the fact? Probably not, but I’ve come this far. I can’t let down all three of my readers!

Here’s the deal. I have a reasonable excuse for my tardiness. While the show aired, I was thousands of feet in the air. And while Horizon Air offered free alcohol (I know!), there was no free Wi-Fi, as there is on their mother aircraft, Alaska Air, and no TV on the backs of headrests like there is on WestJet. To top it all off, the pilot didn’t even announce the results! Can you believe it?

I walked in the door after 1 a.m. and wasn’t about to sit down and watch after spending that day in Los Angeles, Reno, Seattle and Vancouver (my travel agent: Marquis de Sade).

I also wrenched my back carting my luggage and laptop for four hours dodging tourists on Hollywood Blvd. (Side note: Why do people feel compelled to snap a shot of a favourite star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Thankfully most cameras are digital now. I suspect most of those shots will be deleted once they realize they have 30 shots of letters arranged into famous names. Side note II: If you’re somebody worthy like, say, Alfred Hitchcock or Charles Chaplin, doesn’t it kinda cheapen your star when Godzilla, the Munchkins and Lindsay Wagner also get a star? The first two are fictional and Lindsay, as much as I adored her as Jamie Sommers and she once smiled at me on the streets of Vancouver, did one thing in her Hollywood career. Surely you need more than one hit series to get a star, no?)

But I digress. I woke up (slowly) Tuesday morning and hobbled down to the couch, barely able to move. My son was in an all-day camp and I was all set to lie on the couch, watch our favourite reality show, and blog about it. I turn on the PVR and... nothing! My wife accidentally deleted the show after watching it. Proving once again that women should never be permitted use of the remote control.

I didn’t want to check on-line for a link to the program lest I stumble onto the final results, so I e-mailed my wife at work and demanded she find one for me. She sent me a couple links but they weren’t available outside the U.S.A. (worldwide web my ass!). Our local station that carries The Bachelorette had the previous shows but not the finale. But I knew they’d have it eventually. And now it’s up so here I am.

So get this: It’s Thursday night as I write this and I still (honest to God) don’t know the results. Is that admirable or pathetic? I haven’t figured that out yet, but I’m glad I’m pop-culturally obtuse. It has its advantages.

Let’s waste no more time and get right to it, shall we?

During the long recap/upcoming highlights, Chris Harrison says, “You won’t believe what happens!” Maybe, maybe not. But if it’s really that unbelievable, I’m just surprised I haven’t heard anything yet. I know, my head can be stuck in the sand sometimes, but why is it whenever I don’t want to know the score of a particular game, I can’t help but hear it? Is it all that surprising? I kind of feel excited knowing that all you guys already know it and I’m just now getting to it.

“I never would have imagined being here in Bora Bora,” Ali says. Really? Never? Surely you mean a year or two ago. But when you signed up for The Bachelor and then The Bachelorette, surely your imagination would have allowed you to take you places, knowing that the show does fly people to various spots around the world. Or maybe she never would have imagined it because she had never heard of Bora Bora before.

Jimmy Kimmel always teases the show every season for how often they say “amazing”. So I’ll keep a running tally. So far it’s at 3.

I said it before, but this is the first time in series history I think I’ve liked both finalists equally. They both seem like really good guys. If she chooses neither of them, she’ll be correct in her self-assessment of wondering if it’s her. If Frank comes back and she chooses him, I look forward to the inevitable break-up in four months’ time.

She uses the “friend” line so often when talking about Chris, which, you would think, spells doom for the New Englander. But Ali likes going the friend route. She says she can’t tell us the percentage of ex-boyfriends that started out as just friends. Then again, they’re all exes now, so what does that really tell us? That maybe the friend route isn’t the way to go?

I’ve noticed the same thing from both of the guys in the montages of each one. When they’re embracing Ali, one hand isn’t open and flat on her back, it’s closed in a fist. Both guys. What does that mean? That they’re closed off a little bit? That they don’t want to fully commit? I tend to think body English readers are a bit of a crock, but it’s just interesting they both do that.

Up next: Roberto says “amazing” but I won’t count it in our official tally until we see it when it’s supposed to air. And Harrison says, “Ali makes a shocking decision that will change her life forever.” Man, this better be good, Harrison. Haven’t these people ever heard of understatement? Set our expectations low and we’ll be blown away. Tell us how to react and we’ll get our back up and say, “Aw, it wasn’t all that awesome.”

***

I’m sure I noticed this before, and maybe even commented on it, but I just noticed again that Roberto is an insurance agent. I’m now having second thoughts about him. I can’t help but think of Woody Allen’s line from his classic film Love and Death (one of my all-time favourites): “There are some things worse than death. If you’ve ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman, I’m sure you know what I mean.” And from one of his stories: “I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again—this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.” But I realize that burnt out ex-jocks don’t have a lot of options, thanks to a system that pushes them through their schooling.

It seems Roberto is taking this “meet the family” thing a little too business-like. He has talking points he wants to get across. Oh well, if it doesn’t work out, he can always pitch them on insurance.

Roberto says there’s no real way to prepare for the kinds of questions they’ll ask him. Prepare? Just be yourself, buddy. Relax! And the first one is a doozy: What’s your favourite baseball team. Ali’s sister, Raya, says the answer is very “impor’ant” (so it’s clear the speech impediment runs in the family. Or, okay, it’s a regionalism). Roberto starts sweating over that softball question (sorry for throwing a softball metaphor into a baseball statement). I ignored his open pores a couple weeks ago, but it’s clear now he’s got a perspiration problem. You’re a former semi-pro baseball player, for the love of Pete! Throw that back in their lowly fan faces. Be confident!

Question to my readers: You’ve all been on dates to meet the family for the first time. How many of those dates included going outside to have a heart-to-heart with a member of the family? My guess is it’s a collective zero, or near-zero. But every single home date in the history of this franchise does this. I know, I know, they’re all coached, but for realism’s sake, I’d love to see a family date where they all acted normal. Well, as normal as can be with lights and cameras all around them.

Raya gets all Spanishy when pronouncing Roberto’s name.

Amazing count: 4

Roberto asks Ali’s mom what he can do to keep Ali happy. She tells him to just keep on keeping on. Do what he’s been doing from the time he met her up till now. In other words, fly her around the world, tightrope walk between high rises, star with her on Broadway, take plenty of helicopter trips. You know, simple things like that.

The mom starts tearing up with joy. She’s so happy for her daughter she can’t contain herself. She sees how much Ali cares for Roberto. At least that what she says. Maybe she’s just getting the insurance fumes and it’s affecting her eyes.

***

Now it’s the dad’s turn. He and Roberto sit down outside and his first question is, “How do you feel about Ali?” “Um, well, sir, I don’t think we’re a good match. Frankly speaking, I’m a little out of her league. I could do waaaay better, that’s plain to see.”

What the hell kind of answer is he expecting? That wasn’t his real answer. Rather, he just starts blathering on and on about family and making her happy. The dad looked pleased. Roberto says he wants to look out for her best interest not just for the next few months (a shot at, well, every other Bachelor/ette couple minus two) but on into the future. Of course the dad is happy. Oh, the upcoming highlights didn’t want us to know that, but who ever believes those?

There’s something quite sexist, I find, with the old school, conservative approach Roberto espouses about a man asking a woman’s father for his blessing. Maybe I’m just making excuses for never having done that in my life. But doesn’t it sound like one step removed from brokering a trade: “I’ll give you two oxen for your daughter.” “Throw in a rooster and you’ve got yourself a deal.”

Amazing count: 5 (21 minutes in)

***

Ali meets Chris and says, “You look handsome.” He tells her she looks beautiful. That was the exact same exchange between her and Roberto yesterday. Is she fishing for compliments with that opening?

Maybe it’s because I write about comedy that everything reminds me of a bit by a comic, but when they get all excited that Chris is from Massachusetts, then Ali’s mom says, “What part, east or west?” it totally made me think of the great Emo Philips line. Allow me to cut and paste:

I was in San Fransisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in. I said, "Don't jump!" and he turns and says, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you, you silly ninny."
He said, "I do believe in God."
I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What franchise?"
He says, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."
I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over!

I got that sense with Ali’s family. It’s great he’s from the same state, but if he’s from the wrong side, they’d essentially push him over the bridge.

Ali’s mom makes a faux pas, asking about Chris’s mom. As soon as she said “your mother”, I went, “Here we go again.” But at least we know Chris loves talking about it so it’s not awkward.

Amazing count: 6 (25:45 in)

Hey, a Canadian connection! Finally we can erase the bad taste of the Wrassler and the Sarnia Sleaze. Chris tells Ali’s family that his dad is a Canadian, born in Montreal. Turns out Ali’s dad also was born in Montreal. This after Ali’s dad says he used to teach high school physics and Chris says he used to teach high school math. This is all too perfect. How can it not be Chris?

Oh, lord, Ali’s mom says, “Chris, it’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it, but can you tell us about your mom?” So that was that sound I heard on Monday night. It was America’s eyes rolling.

Chris is calm, cool and collected in his chat with Ali’s siblings. And maybe just a tad over-confident. He says he has a feeling they’ll be seeing more of him over the summer. My advice would be to think it, don’t say it. But bottom line, again, both guys seem like great choices. It’s up to Ali to blow it by not picking one of them. But if she does pick one of these two, I’ll have no complaints.

There’s just one thing: Chris wants to ask Ali’s dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage. (Is this something the producers set them up to do or is it really that common?) The violins swell as if to suggest it’s going to be a tense situation. I doubt it will be.

***

Here’s the big sit-down with Ali’s dad. Da-da-da-dum! What will he say?! Ooh, it’s so exciting I can’t stand it!... Yup, he gives his blessing. Wow, that was tense. I can move back off the edge of my seat now.

Does it seem that maybe Chris loves the idea of marriage more than he loves Ali? He just wants a wife so he can fit in with his younger brothers.

Chris kisses like a horse eating a sugar cube.

This is the second time in an upcoming highlight that Harrison has asked the question if who she chooses will love her back. If whoever she chooses declines the final rose, that would, indeed, be the most dramatic season finale ever. I just can’t see it happening, though. Both these saps seem to be head-over-heels in love with her.

***

Amazing count: 7 (39:58 in)

Ali gathers her family around to help her sort through her dilemma. The dad says they’re both great guys “but there’s something about Roberto that tells me he has a love for you.” Uh, that wasn’t apparent with Chris? He says, “Roberto’s more willing to move forward in a relationship with you, that’s how I felt. Chris is just a little bit hesitant.” Raya and the brother both disagree with dad, saying Chris is not hesitant in the least. The dad seethes. I think he’s got a bit of a man-crush on the former pro athlete. The mom is also on Chris’ side. Boy, is this going to be awkward if she chooses Roberto. Presumably he’ll watch the show and presumably he’ll meet up with the family again.

***

Roberto and Ali go out on a jet ski. Ali loves a guy who can get on a piece of machinery and go fast. That counts Chris out if that’s all she’s going by if his moped abilities are any indication.

They come across some stingrays and decide to get off the mighty machine for a little visit. Because what could go wrong, right? Obviously they know nothing about how Steve Irwin died. You’d think the camera person might give a little heads up. But they’re laughing and kissing and having a grand old time. Oh wait, maybe this is the most dramatic season finale for a reason! They get stung and die.

Amazing count: 8 (46:50 in)

It looks like Ali is sucking in her gut. Meanwhile, she thinks he’s one of the sexiest men she’s ever known. I don’t think he’s sucking in his gut.

Sitting on a blanket in their bathing suits, it starts to pour. This really turns Ali on. They get in the ocean and start kissing. She says she feels he really could be the one for her... “but I just don’t know.” If she doesn’t know at this point, my prediction is she doesn’t pick anyone.

***

Amazing count: 9 (50:29 in)

Again with the same old nonsense: “I’ve given up everything to be here. My whole life.” Can we stop with this, please? Nobody buys it. Poor girl gave up that dull office job to star on national prime-time TV for a few months, travel to New York, Iceland, Turkey and Tahiti, and have a personal trainer to make you the object of everyone’s eye (even if you do have to suck in your gut at times). Our hearts bleed for you.

She says Roberto has mentioned a few times that it’s difficult for him to open up to her and she hopes to talk to him about that tonight. Seriously. She said that. What does the woman want? The guy looks ga-ga over her. Does she need it spelled out? She wants him to open up emotionally a bit more with her tonight. Man, if that’s what she’s looking for she’s going to be single forever because I’m pretty sure Alan Alda is taken.

Roberto seems to have gotten the same memo because he thinks he still needs to have some important conversations with her, too. But first, he showers her with gifts. It’s a framed photo of the two of them in a heart-shaped lagoon. He’s written on the back:

The moment I met you I knew my life would change. Through this journey we’ve created memories that I’ll cherish for a lifetime. You inspire me to be a better man for you and for the both of us. [Something Spanish] And let’s dance forever. With so much love, Roberto.

Prediction: If Roberto isn’t Ali’s choice, he will definitely be the next Bachelor. Hands down.

Semantics time: He lies on the bed trying to tell Ali his feelings, in case, as he says, she doesn’t know already. He relates how her dad asked if he, Roberto, loved his daughter and he didn’t hesitate at all, saying, “Absolutely.” Then he tells her, “So, if you didn’t know already, I am definitely, definitely falling in love with you.” They smooch and Ali says, “Hearing Roberto tell me he loves me feels so good.” She tells him, “My heart feels like it’s exploding out of my chest.”

I hate to put the screech to the record, but he didn’t tell her he loves her; he told her he’s “falling” in love with her. That implies to me that he’s not quite there yet. Or at least wants to temper it a bit for whatever reason.

And then he goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid like, “I love you.”

So I don’t know what I’m talking about afterall. Big surprise there.

And, Ali tells us, she loves Roberto. She’s never, ever, ever in her whole life felt this good about a relationship. Everything she came here to find, she found in Roberto. Case closed. Hand out the rose and let’s end this thing.

Aha! She says, “I know I have a date with Chris tomorrow, and I should go, but I can’t. I don’t want to say goodbye to Roberto.” So that’s the shocking conclusion, is it? She dumps Chris before his last chance? Classy.

Geez, and there’s still half an hour to go.

***

Here’s Chris going on confidently about the love of his life. I don’t know if I’m ready for this heartbreak, so I can’t imagine poor Chris. “When we get married, Ali and I, I’m going to shower her with tons of love. I’ll tell her every day how much I love her and then just keep telling her that for the rest of her life.”

What’s with the faux-hawk, Chris. You’re 33 already. Stop that.

A knock at the door. Never a good sign. Is she going to say, “We need to talk”?

No, she doesn’t. They sit down and she’s sounding a bit too excited considering she’s about to rip his heart out of his chest. Then she faulters. She lies and says she’s at a point with two guys and she doesn’t know what to do. She continues to beat around the bush until it sinks in and she asks, “Do you understand what I’m saying?” He hangs his head and she says, “I’m in love with somebody else.” Couldn’t she just have saved this speech for one day? And isn’t it the same speech Dorky Frank gave her?

But to make it all seem better, she whispers, “This wasn’t an easy decision. It was really hard. I just didn’t want to put you through tomorrow. Because I know that it’s going to be so hard.” He says thank you, but why? She’s giving him one more day of heartbreak.

I gotta say he’s taking it pretty well. He keeps thanking her, which should drive the guilt home pretty nicely, I’m thinking.

The only thing that could top this is if Roberto declines the final rose.

The look in her eyes as Chris is being magnanimous and a true gentleman says she’s wondering if she made the wrong decision. And with 20 minutes still left, maybe she does change her mind.

As she sniffles down the stairs, she tells us, “It was a lot harder to say goodbye to Chris than I thought it was going to be.” Really? She thought it would be a snap? He certainly took it well. So all that can mean is she thought she had no feelings for him but found out she at least is capable of empathy.

Chris goes outside to gather his thoughts and looks up to find a perfect rainbow... only it hasn’t rained. So clearly this is a sign from his mother that everything’s going to be okay. And you know what? Normally I hate sentimental crap like that, but I believe it. Well, I don’t believe it, but I believe he believes it. And it’s nice. All we need is the double rainbow guy to ooh and aah here.

Could Chris be the next Bachelor? I dunno. He doesn’t seem the prototypical Bachelor but he’d be a great match for the right woman. Of course, with so many to choose from, it’d be guaranteed that he’d choose the wrong one.

***

Does Roberto know what’s going on? Let’s hope not. There’s got to be at least a hint of a surprise. And I want that moment at the rose ceremony where they do the deke and pretend they’re not going to get it.

When he woke up this morning, it hit Roberto how huge and monumental of a day this is for him. Cold feet?! Pleasepleaseplease! He says, “I know I love Ali but I don’t want to get on one knee and propose unless I feel 100 percent sure I want to spend the rest of my life with her.” Hedging already! I love it! “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can propose. I only want to propose once in my life. If I don’t feel it’s the right thing to do, I’m not going to do it. The one thing I know is, I have to do what’s right for me.” Ooh, this is going to be good!

***

Ali awaits the Gilligan’s Island boat that Roberto arrives on. She says she is 100 percent certain that he’s the guy for her.

They make Roberto, dressed in a suit in Bora Bora, climb several flights of stairs to get to Ali. With his sweat problem, this can’t be good.

Roberto’s doing all the talking. Isn’t it up to her to let him know if she’s sending him home or not first? He wants to be Ali’s man. He’s got a good bit of sweat on his upper lip and she still kisses him so you know it must be love.

When Ali tells him he’s the only guy here today, his reaction is a little too underwhelming. He just says, “Wow” and kisses her. He must have been tipped off or seen Chris’s boat ride of shame out his window.

Roberto tells her he wants to grow old with her and have a beautiful, beautiful family with her. Can this one last? Can they be the third couple in series history to live happily ever after? He gets down on one knee and says, “Be my wife. Will you marry me?” Her dad is going to be over the moon.

Well. I don’t know if it was the most dramatic finale in Bachelorette history but it was nice. All’s well that ends well. Chris held his head high, Ali found her Italian stallion and Roberto found someone to wipe the sweat off his lip.

Final amazing tally: 9 but I'm sure I missed some as I was swept up in the crazy roller coaster ride.

All we have left is the After the Final Rose episode. Look for my recap tomorrow. Thanks for reading, if you did. Sorry for being so late.

Week 10: Piling on

2010-07-27T00:39:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what I’m more excited about: Tonight’s tell-all from the also-rans or the fact there are only two more weeks left. (One problem: the grand finale comes on a night I’ll be flying home from the birthplace of The Bachelor/ette. Should I just get my wife to blog in my place? Or should I do it the next night? Decisions...)

Reader Heidi made a great point in the comments last week. She wrote,

“There have been some AMAZING episodes this season: The Wrassler's Undoing, Frank's Revelation, Kasey and the Batshit Tattoo... and the reunion show? Should be epic.

I can't imagine that the finale will be nearly as interesting as everything that came before. But I'm still watching.”

So true. When you think about it, there really were some great episodes this season. As for the final, here’s one scenario I never thought of (I’m not that deep a thinker): Chris Harrison said it would be “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history.” When I heard that last week, I couldn’t think what it would be. She either chooses Chris, the likable, albeit slightly boring homebody, or Roberto, the suave and dreamy ex-pro athlete (well, baseball is considered a sport by many). Nothing dramatic there. Then there’s the chance the one she chooses turns her down. I guess that’s never happened before, but judging from the looks on the finalists’ faces, that’s not going to happen. So what then? She chooses neither? That’s possible, but is it all that dramatic? It’s happened on the Bachelor side of the franchise. But what if... what if... Frank comes back begging for forgiveness and she chooses him? That would certainly rank up there and be worthy of Harrison’s “most dramatic ever” description. Anything less than that would be a letdown after the build-up by Harrison.

Here’s the show... Well, I guess we don’t need to watch. We got all we need from the upcoming highlights. I know, I know, I harp on this every week, but it’s really got to stop. There needs to be a paradigm shift in network television.

Ali talks to Chris about the guys: The Wrassler (it’s sad he treats women that way), Batty Kasey (the singing was “so awkward”), Mouldy Kirk (nothing to report here), Crazy Eyes Frank (nor here).

***

Unseen moments: Roberto shoots a champagne cork at Ali’s head, narrowly missing; Frank’s dad gives a toast in double-speak and the whole family is in on it; Ali puts on fake astronaut helmet and is laughing hysterically at the recollection, but why? Loud peacocks interrupt her and Roberto and again, it’s like those out-takes after bad movies where all the actors are in stitches and the audience is like, huh? I can see why these never made it into the show.

We find out Chris N.’s nickname on the show was the Phantom. That would have been good to know since I could never come up with one for him.

***

They introduce the guys and half of them I have zero memory of. Is it me or is it them? Probably a combination of both.

Hey, where’s the Sarnia Sleaze? Not with us tonight? And no Wrassler? But I like that the guys are ganging up on the Weather Man. Here’s an ambiguously gay guy who is totally, one hundred percent on the show to further his career. Absolutely and without question. And what’s with his eyebrows? They look like he was bequeathed them from the estate of Joan Crawford.

I like Big Ears Ty. He sits next to Batty Kasey and absolutely trashes him, but with his good ole southern charm, it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

Harrison says the Wrassler was top of the list for guys not there for the right reason. Why does Crazy Eyes Frank get a free ride here? Why does the Weather Man? Hardly anyone is there for the right reason. I'm definitely watching for all the wrong reasons, too.

***

Frank montage. Frank says, “I’m here to the end.” And yet the Wrassler is the villain! Bah! Did we talk about the time she said, “I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this guy”? If Frank was the guy all along, where does that leave Chris and Roberto? The winner is second best. It’s hard enough finding love in two months but now she’s got to find it in a matter of days with Chris or Roberto if she really was wanting Frank all along.

Ugly Craig sure is full of himself, isn’t he? He sounds like the lawyer he is. He starts the defense of Frank and most of the guys join in. I’d say they’re letting their personal feelings for the guy (and the Wrassler in reverse) get in the way of their opinion. Frank deserves no breaks just because it was hard on him. You can’t go on national TV and hope for a rebound relationship if you’re not over the girl you dumped just so you could go on national TV in the first place.

***

Kasey at the bat now. Every time I see him sing it just gets better and better. That’s probably the best series of moments in Bachelor/ette history. Again, the Wrassler gets crapped on for being there to promote his career, but this nutbar decides on a catch phrase (“guard and protect your heart”) and auditions by singing at every opportunity, then guarantees more air time by getting a tattoo. If anyone was there for the wrong reasons, it was Batty Kasey. He says he wants to be a good memory in everyone’s heart and Ugly Craig applauds him. Am I so far out of the loop here? What is wrong with me? Why can’t I go along with these guys?

***

The ladies in the crowd seem to like Mouldy Kirk. Yup, it’s official: I’m out of the loop. I just don’t get it. He reminds me of the Professor in Gilligan’s Island. Sure, Russell Johnson wasn’t an ugly man, but he wasn’t a leading man type, either. Did you ever see him with Mary Ann or Ginger? I rest my case. But he’s breaking the hearts of the women in the studio with his tale of woe so I could see him being the next Bachelor. That is, if the network all of a sudden decided ratings don’t mean anything.

***

Now it’s the Wrassler’s turn. He chose not to be there but here comes the piling on. Big Ears Ty asks how can 25 guys be wrong? Yeah, that is puzzling. But when I see them supporting Frank and Bat-Shit Krazy Kasey, I know that they can be wrong. And are.
Ugly Know-It-All Craig says the Wrassler is “evil”. But Harrison corrects him: “No, he’s a bad person.” Oh, is that all? Glad we cleared that up. He says the guy’s intention for going on the show was to gain publicity for himself – unlike the vast majority of guys and gals who all altruistically go on the show to find true love. What a load of hooey. Then Ugly Craig says the Wrassler’s other intention was to hurt an incredible girl. Yeah, I’m sure that’s what his goal was. And the vapid Harrison says, “Yeah.” Part one of the argument is right, but it’s right for almost every contestant in this series. Everyone wants to be famous, therefore they’re all technically there for the wrong reasons. Only a few rare really ugly contestants who have no hope of finding love in the real world, like Ugly Craig, go on the show to find a mate. Part two of the argument is just ridiculous on its face. Picture the Wrassler at home: “I want to get on this series to put Ali – that’s her name, right? – in her place. I cannot stand that girl, whoever she is.”

I’m getting my back up I think just because it’s Ugly Craig who’s the mouthpiece here. I have a bias against people who sound supremely confident. He has way too much confidence for someone of his limited looks. When Big Ears Ty speaks about the negative impressions he has of the Wrassler, I’m okay with it, though. Maybe it’s the charming accent.

Why do they keep going back to Ugly Craig? Let someone else speak. I don’t read outside sources, so when I hear Ugly Craig saying that the Wrassler has been telling people that Harrison and the production staff had a hand in it, it’s the first time. But how can they deny it? How did they get cameras in the girlfriend’s house back in Canada when Ali called them from Iceland? Surely they knew something was up. Now, you may argue that once they knew about the girlfriends, they quickly arranged a camera crew to be there to record the phone conversation. But my question is how long did that take? An hour? A day? A couple days? Isn’t their responsibility to look out for Ali. If they have information on someone cheating and they decide they’re going to tell her, they should tell her immediately before any more of the “game” is played. So I think the show probably did have a hand in it. At least it sure appeared that way.
Ugly Craig chalks it up to “an asshole being an asshole” and Harrison, who wants to deflect all foreknowledge on his part as quickly as possible, says, “I don’t think we can sum it up any better than that.”

***

There’s a special guest tonight. It’s Jesse, from Jake’s season. Remember her? No, neither did I. She didn’t get much airtime when she was a contestant so this must be gratifying for her. But I’m sure she’s there for the right reasons. She also bears a passing resemblance to Mary Ann. You hear that Mouldy Kirk? Now's your chance!

It’s all very pat. Apparently there were text messages from the Wrassler to his (ex-)girlfriend saying, “Don’t worry, I’m just doing this for my career.” Could they spell it out any clearer, people?! Don’t you get it yet? Hey, Ali leaves Jake for her career and everyone applauds her. Double standard?!

They open the floor up to hear what the people think about the Wrassler: He’s a liar and a coward. That’s about it. Glad we cleared that up.

***

Ali comes out to a standing O from the fellas and talks about... nothing really. Mouldy Kirk takes the high road and says... nothing really. Then Batty Kasey gets up and... serenades Ali. Yup, he’s not there to promote himself, is he? Just trying to find love. If I ever see him sing on another show, I will boycott that show forever. You cannot reward behaviour like that, you just can’t.

Blooper reel. Oh, they had fun. Us? Not so much. Next.

***

Oh good, a new Bachelor show, Bachelor Pad. A house full of cast-offs sleeping together in one room. A shallow, decadent meat market, if you will. Even our old pal Wes has kissed and made up with the producers, who he did nothing but bad-mouth after his ignominious exit on Jillian’s season. And there’s Sarnia Sleaze. What’s not to love about this series? I have no idea what it’s about other than there’s a winner who gets $250,000 (and probably an STD). Don’t expect this blogger to follow it, but I’m pretty sure I’ll watch. Chris Harrison says it’s “spectacular” so it must be.

I’m out of words. Good night.

Week 9: Frank incenses Ali

2010-07-20T02:05:00.000-07:00

Are we almost finished this thing yet? I don’t know why I want it to end because I’m enjoying the season. I just don’t think The Bachelor/ette is summer fare. It’s still light out when it comes on and almost as gorgeous as Tahiti, so who needs reality TV?

Ooh, this is the big reveal when we find out Crazy Eyes Frank has a big dark secret. Or not. Whatever. It’s summer. As Annie says, the sun’ll come out tomorrow.

They got into the show tonight with minimal upcoming highlights and no backstory highlights. Gotta like it. I like to think the producers are big fans of this blog.

Three dudes are left. Cape Cod Chris feels like Ali is her girlfriend. Ah, poor sap. He’s probably the best suited for her but he’s running third here by a country mile, I bet. He really needs Crazy Eyes to have a girlfriend and Roberto to have several. Roberto says he would be so lucky to have Ali as his wife. Oh no, Roberto. She’s the one who’d be lucky. Well, until he cheats on her. He’s an athlete, remember. It’s in his DNA.

Here we go. We learn what’s in store right off the bat. Crazy Eyes Frank still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, Nicole. And they might be growing. Oh, what a hopeless nerd. He says he needs to go to Chicago to see Nicole before he goes off to Tahiti. He needs to find out if he’s still in love with her. You heard me. That either means he has to sleep with her again or find out if she’s still in love with him. Either way, that’s a dick move. Three of you voted Frank as your favourite in the poll last week. Who were you? 'Fess up. What do you think of him now?

***

Now here’s Frank in Chicago. Is he there on the producer’s dime? Did they encourage him to go because it makes for better TV? Oh, most likely. Frank is spinning like crazy. He needs to do this to make the right decision. No, Frank. It’s the wrong decision from the get-go.

Obviously Nicole knows this is happening, or she’s used to a camera crew following her ex-boyfriend around. Why would she open herself up to this? Frank’s blathering on to her and Nicole is just sitting there looking disgusted. He’s telling her about the great relationship he’s had with Ali. She says he’s consumed her mind ever since he left her and it’s sickening to think he’d be off getting close in another relationship. He tells her when he goes to bed at night after a great date with Ali, he lays in bed thinking about Nicole. Well, that about answers Frank’s question, doesn’t it?

Let’s analyze this. If he’s lying in bed after a great date with Ali, and all he can do is think about his ex-girlfriend, then he knows the answer to his question. He knows he’s still in love with Nicole. It’s irrelevant whether Nicole feels the same way or not. Basically what Frank is saying is he’s still in love with Nicole, but if Nicole doesn’t feel the same way, he’ll settle for second best with Ali.

But it looks like Nicole still has room in her heart for the guy. She says without him, her life isn’t complete. She tells him he needs to come home. He smiles and nods.

So Crazy Eyes Frank says today’s what he needed to realize he’s in love with Nicole and she’s the one he wants to be with the rest of his life. Finally, someone finds love on The Bachelorette! I can’t wait until Nicole sits down with Frank and watches the season play out.

But really, this is beyond despicable. He didn’t realize he’s in love with Nicole; he just realized she’s also in love with him. His feelings didn’t change. If he went back to visit Nicole and she said she had moved on, he still should have broken up with Ali because she was second best in his heart all along.

***

I like how they got to this right off the top of this two-hour episode. There must be lots of drama ahead if they didn’t string this mystery out over the whole show.

Poor, unsuspecting Ali is in Tahiti happy as all get out. She’s confident one of these three guys is going to be her husband.

Her first date is with Roberto. I gotta say, Tahiti looks awesome. And I’m almost positive it looks even awesomer from a ... (wait for it)... helicopter! There should be a helicopter drinking game on this show. Everyone would be passed out before the end of each episode.

Roberto is looking totally smitten, like he’s in deeper than even Ali. If that’s the case, and this isn’t just Stockholm Syndrome run amok, then he’s got to be the frontrunner. Because the guy is a stud. And he’s strong enough to carry her over the threshold. But I still maintain he’s too good for her. With Frank out of the picture, though, Roberto’s got to be the one, even if Chris is better suited for her. I think Ali probably has Frank ranked number one, but we can throw that all away... Or can we?

***

Ali and Roberto sit down to dinner. Ali doesn’t seem to be totally into him the way she is into Frank, as crazy as that seems, even before we knew what we know.

Roberto says he thinks he’s been closed off and it’s not easy for him to open up. But he manages to say he’s falling in love with her, which elicits a long kiss from Ali. And it gives Ali the nerve to whip out the note from Chris Harrison. Guess what? No, it’s not a free helicopter ride... Well, it might be, but a different kind. It’s an invitation for them to make sweet love all night long in the fantasy suite. Ali bites her lip as Roberto reads it. She can’t wait to take his wet clothes off him. And she does. Fade to black.

***

Next date is with Cape Cod Chris. They meet on a deck and walk towards each other. Ali is walking funny.

Their date is out on the open water. Ali says things have gone slower with Chris but things started to move when she met his family. So they sit on the boat and talk about his family. Conversation a little stilted but she’s probably still thinking about the Latin lover she had last night.

Chris says he feels like he’s twelve whenever he’s around her. She says they’re “buddies”. Not a good sign. But an easy out for her when it’s time to dump him.

Walking on the beach, they pick up shells and find the pearls the producers have planted in them. Ali buys it hook, line and sinker, and actually comes up with a good metaphor. She says the pearls remind her of her relationship with Chris. It takes a long time but eventually you could come up with something beautiful.

***

Will they use the fantasy suite? If so, I can’t imagine any hanky-panky going on. But let’s find out.

Do you have to walk through water to get to anything in Tahiti? Apparently so. They sit on a secluded tiny island and eat dinner on the ground. As they smooch, Chris tells her he sees himself with her forever. And then she gets turned on enough to whip out the fantasy suite card. We get to hear it again just in case we missed it when Roberto read it, or any one of the hundred or so others in the history of this series (couldn’t they vary it up a little bit?). Chris has never seen the show before: “There’s a fantasy suite?!” He tells us he loves this girl 100 percent. He’s found his soul mate, his perfect girl. This is precisely why the notion of a soul mate is unhealthy. Because if you find your soul mate, presumably there’s just the one. Then what happens if that soul mate rejects you? You have to settle for someone who’s less than that.

After Chris tells her he doesn’t care where they spend the rest of their lives together, whether it’s Cape Cod or San Francisco, Ali says, in the most blatant hint of the season, “I never, ever, ever, ever thought I’d want to go back to Massachussetts...” and doesn’t fully commit to saying she’s completely changed. Chris pretends not to care, saying they’d just have to go back to Cape Cod four times a year. But you can totally see that becoming an issue down the road. As in week four of their real-life relationship.

Anyway, they do appear to go inside the suite and get it on. I guess she needed to kick the tires and take him for a test drive just in case.

***

And here’s Crazy Eyes Frank. He’s dreamed about coming to Tahiti for years. He should be happy, but he’s not. He’s here to tell Ali he’s going home. Of course, we know how she’s going to take it thanks to the evil previews before each set of commercials. There will be tears. And lots of them.

Frank needs to talk to the empty vessel front man Chris Harrison to get advice. Don’t these people know Harrison is just a glorified announcer? He’s got no say, judging from the credits, in anything beyond hosting. But here’s the funny part. Frank tells Chris he’s got bad news. Chris says, “What’s up?” Just proving how far out of the loop he is. How could he not know, since a camera crew followed Frank to Chicago to meet Nicole?

Chris is asking Frank about what happened. Just watch the footage, Chris! Try to follow along, buddy! We already know all this.

Frank says he has no idea how Ali is going to take this. Really, Frank? No idea? Like there’s a small chance she might be okay with it? He really is clueless. Chris asks what he’s going to do. He has a date coming up in an hour. I say Frank should go on the date, stay in the fantasy suite overnight (if you’re picking up what I’m laying down) and then break it to her first thing in the morning. Or better yet, just grab your stuff and get out before she wakes up. Leaving a note, of course. That’s the manly way out, Frank.

But Chris, the old stick in the mud, thinks he should tell her straight up as soon as she gets here. Boo!

***

Here’s Ali telling us she and Frank have an amazing connection. She’s going to take Frank sailing. She really misses him. She’s head over heels for the guy.

They hug and here’s the “we need to talk” line. And he tags it with “can we sit down?”. Ali is already looking a bit haggard from her two previous nights in the fantasy suite. Frank’s eyes have lost their crazy. Now they’re empty. He tells her about the awesome connection they had right from the beginning. Get on with it, man. She’s crying already. He tells her that unresolved feelings for an ex were holding him back.

What we don’t know is just how recent an ex she was. Did he dump her just to go on the show? How long has it been? (Maybe that info is out there in cyberspace but you know now I don’t follow these things. But if you know, please, by all means, leave it in the comments section.)

Ali is silent throughout. He can’t stand the silence: “You’re perfect in every way, blah blah blah.” But he has no answer for Ali’s question about why he never said anything to her before now. She says she was so excited to see him. Now, not so much. Next I think she tells him that all along she was trying to tell him that he was the one. Am I wrong in that interpretation? She said, “Frank, I want to be with you,” and he kept pulling back. Does that mean she had decided it was him but just couldn’t tell him outright? Or am I reading things into it I shouldn’t be?

Ali says it was so selfish of him to have done this. Bingo! Totally and unequivocally. But, really, what’s she yammering on about? She’s got two others. Surely she wasn’t keeping them around the same way Frank was keeping her around, was she? Maybe she’s getting her just deserts. (Sidenote: I just found out two days ago that the spelling for “just deserts” is precisely that, not “just desserts”, which is what I, and many others, always thought. Apparently the root word is “deserve” so it’s kind of an archaic way of say she got just what she deserved --> deserts. Get it?)

She says she needs to deal with this somehow so asks him to go. He gets in one last close hug. I’m not a spiteful guy. I’m really not. But whenever someone gets dumped on this show, they always get a nice hug. I’d love for Ali to have turned on her heel and walked away. But no, she gives him the tender embrace that’ll keep him up at nights after a great date with Nicole. Then she walks away in tears and plops down on the sand.

***

Still half an hour to go and I’m guessing there won’t be a rose ceremony. It’s just an educated guess. I’ve been at this a long time. I’m good. So we’ve got thirty more minutes of tears.

Frank could never have imagined it would be that hard to say goodbye to her, he says. The guy just has absolutely no clue. He says he imagined the worst case scenario, and it was still way worse than that. Remember: this guy writes screenplays (or so he says). He probably should try to develop that imagination a bit more if he wants to be a successful screenwriter.

Chris Harrison strolls onto the beach like Ricardo Montalban to comfort Ali. She says she’s given up her job and her “whole freakin’ life” to be there. We’ve already disproved that notion lots before now, but I won’t harp on it given her state, but suffice it to say she’s given up nothing and got way more than she ever had before. Still, I feel for her a little bit. And vindicated for going hard on Crazy Eyes all season long.

Oh great. The power just went out here. It’s pitch black outside for blocks. Who knows how long it’ll be out for. I’ll hang around a bit longer but I might have to finish this in the morning. But no! It’s back! I was in the dark (literally) for 45 minutes. Let’s get back to the heartbreak.

Ali sobs, “This always happens to me!” and heaves a heavy sigh. But hang on there one second, young lady. You were the one leaving Jake (good move in hindsight, I must admit) because you found yourself having feelings for your old job.

And then this classic line that exemplifies her naivety not only about Frank, not only about men in general, but about the human condition: “I just don’t understand. Like, if there was another girl, why didn’t he just tell me?” Um, because she was another girl! Great literature has been written, timeless movies have been made about just this very scenario. They’re called “the other woman” for a reason. And if it were so simple as just telling one girl about the other, the novels and films would take about five minutes to read and watch.

Now she feels like Frank’s the biggest jerk she’s ever known. And she can’t help but think there’s something wrong with her. No comment.

She sits sobbing in front of the interview camera. Why doesn’t she just get up and walk away? Everyone would understand.

We watch Frank on the little boat taking him back to America.

***

But the show must go on. Ali is all dolled up as she looks at the three photos. She picks up Dorky Frank’s picture, gives it a good long look, then places it face down. Turns out there will be a rose ceremony after all. But it’ll be by acclamation because there are two roses to be given out and two guys left.

Even though we all feel for Ali, aren’t you secretly hoping, just a teensy bit, that one or both of the remaining two doesn’t accept the rose? C’mon, it’d be great television.

Ali tells Chris Harrison it’s scary for her to think she could be this far along in the process she thought that Frank could be right for her, and yet he’s so wrong. It’s so true and a lesson for each of us. You can’t just think with your heart. Your head is there for a reason. If things aren’t adding up, use both your vital organs.

Chris Harrison thinks there should be a rose ceremony. Or at least, that’s what his bosses told him to say. And he thinks Ali should be the one to tell the other two about Frank. Can’t wait to see their reaction.

Ali says, “I really want both guys to accept the rose today.” Apparently, she’s never seen any other season than the two she’s been a part of, either, because I don’t recall there ever being a rose offered and rejected. Correct me if I’m wrong. (But there’s a first time for everything. Fingers crossed!)

***

This is the first time in a long, long time (maybe ever) where the final two have both been good. Or at least both to my liking. Both these guys seem like decent, honourable guys. I think, as I’ve said, she’d have a longer relationship with Cape Cod Chris (if they can work out their geographical differences), but I’d be happy with either choice. I mean as a viewer.

Here comes Cape Cod Chris on his boat ride to the ceremony. Ali says she’s a little nervous because she has to tell Chris and Roberto that Frank left. Why would that give her nerves? Does she get stressed watching white guys high-five each other? I don’t get it.

Ali just said impor’ant for the fourth time this episode. If I had a speech impediment that made it difficult for me to pronounce a word, I’d look for another. Ali, if you’re reading this, try these on for size: paramount, crucial, vital, critical, essential, fundamental.

Roberto arrives and we’re all set. Ali just hopes that this goes well.

She cops out! She makes it sound like Frank’s boss was telling him to get his ass back to work. No mention of Frank being a two-timing jerk or confused. Just that he had matters he had to deal with back home. But Roberto and Cape Cod Chris are grinning ear to ear looking extremely happy and in love. And a bit sheepish at having banged each other’s girlfriend.

And in the least dramatic rose ceremony in Bachelor/ette history, Chris accepts his rose. And without Chris Harrison coming back out to say only one rose remains, she offers Roberto the second rose. And he honours her offer. (And all night long he was on ‘er and off ‘er.)

They toast each other with champagne and Ali tells the guys they’re off to Bora Bora, where they’ll meet her family. But we won’t get to see it next week because it’ll be the reunion show we won’t want to miss. Oh yeah, it’ll be a good one. We’ve got the Wrassler, the Sarnia Sleaze, the Midget Weather Man, Ugly Craig, Big Ears Ty and Batty Kasey and his tattoo. Will Crazy Eyes be there? I would hope so, but we’ll see. (Interesting to see in the clip Crazy Eyes saying the Wrassler was the biggest liar.) And in two weeks, Chris Harrison assures us it’ll be “the most dramatic season finale in Bachelorette history.” I’m positive it will be because he’s never said that before.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can commit to two more weeks. Can you?

Week 8: Dangling legs

2010-07-13T01:31:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to this little corner of the blogosphere. Great comments last week, people. I’d totally read your blogs on this show if you had them. So keep up with your takes on what we’re watching.

Faith mentioned Tenley, whose name, of course, I remember but my memory being what it is, I couldn’t place her. So I Googled Tenley and found her website. I totally remember her and how sweet she was, but get a load of her new look. After seeing the photos on there, I still didn’t recognize her (that's her on the right). It took me a while. And if you click on the contact tab, you’ll see she’s got a person to write to if you want Tenley for appearances, someone for media and publicity requests, and some for “other business or professional matters”. Who needs Tenley, the dancing queen, for an appearance, you ask? Well, it turns out that “Tenley has had a heartbreaking personal journey and now shares a message of hope and inspiration.” She seemed like she was on the show for the requisite “right reasons” but seeing all this gives me pause. Is she just seizing an opportunity that came out of her appearance on The Bachelor, or was this her plan all along?

What a week. First off, Jake and Vienna absolutely stun, well, nobody, actually, with their on-camera argument post-break-up, then news comes out (thanks Karen for the scoop!) that my wonderful Jillian finally saw the light and ditched dull Ed. Funny, last week I even mentioned them, saying, and I quote (thus the quotation marks), “Jillian has way too much class and humour to ever let her relationship with the half-wit end in such public humiliation.” And sure enough I was right. But do you think they had been trying to figure out a way to break the inevitable break-up to the world and when the Jake and Vienna meltdown was shown, they figured, “Now’s our chance. Nobody will even notice”? Me, too.

What was the name of the Chandler/Michael Keaton look-alike I liked so much in Jillian’s season? The funny realtor from Philly. I think they should totally rekindle their relationship. On national TV, of course.

Okay, but enough about those past failures. Let’s concentrate on this future failure. Ali’s got four fellas left at her disposal. And tonight she meets the parents.

They’re home from Europe (and Asia, if they happened to stroll into that section of Istanbul). Ali jets off from Los Angeles to Tampa, Florida, to meet Roberto and his folks. Her ride pulls up and Ali dashes out as she and Roberto run to each other. But this is telling. He embraces her and lifts her in the air but her legs are lifeless, just hanging from her hips instead of wrapping themselves around Roberto’s midsection. That’s not a good sign.

Roberto takes Ali to the baseball diamond at his old university and gives her a jersey. Then he disappears and runs back out in his Tampa uniform. Good move, because Ali thinks a baseball uniform is just about the sexiest thing a guy can wear. Sorry sumo wrestlers.

After horsing around on the field and taking batting practice, Roberto, recognizing he didn’t get the leg wrap earlier, lifts her up at second base and practically moves her legs so they’ll wrap around his waist. But she doesn’t keep them up for more than a second or two. Then, after they round third and stomp on home plate, he lifts her up a third time and her legs remain limp. I think she likes Roberto but will ultimately give him the “just good friends” line.

Sitting on the field, Roberto whips out his own baseball card from when he played on a team in Ali’s hometown. What are the odds? I think he probably has a baseball card of himself Photoshopped onto whatever team he needs to win over whoever he’s dating.

He tells her his dad is tough and his mom is passive and doesn’t like to argue. It’ll take a few days for that to sink in, but she’ll conclude eventually that if the old chestnut doesn’t fall far from the tree, she might not want to be in that type of scenario down the road. I mean, Roberto doesn’t seem that way at all, but he’s on TV. Granted, that hasn’t stopped so many others from revealing their ugly sides.

***

Roberto says “bringing Ali home today is a sign to them that I’m very serious about this.” Really, Roberto? It’s not a sign that you’re contractually obligated or pressured by the cameras a little bit?

Ali is going to meet Roberto’s dad, Roberto, his mother Olga, and his sister, Olga. Nice egos on the parents. Whenever I see the old Jr./Sr. thing, I always think, what if the kid turned out to be rotten? Or notorious? Like a mass murderer or something. Look what happened to Dick Smothers, of Smothers Brothers fame. His first son was named Dick Smothers, Jr. and what did he do? He became a porn star. I mean, he was given the perfect name for such a thing, but still. According to a CNN story, the senior Smothers said, "My first reaction was, 'What name are you going to use?' ... He says he's going to use his name, and I said, 'Wait a minute. That's my name. I had it first.'" Let that be a lesson to future parents out there.

I can’t figure out who the mom is and who the daughter is. And I can’t figure out whether that’s a compliment to the mom or an insult to the daughter. Probably the former.

The dad is tough but not too tough. In a room filled with athletic trophies his son won, he gets down to business, wanting to know if Ali and her big dreams will accommodate Roberto’s big dreams (code for stay at home and look after her man). He’s looking out for the best interest of his son.

Both mom and pop give Roberto, Jr. their blessings for a future union. No mention if they would also bless a future on-screen break-up like we saw last week or if they’d just prefer a quiet press release.

After all the talk, mom and dad get up and shake their booty, Latin-style. They’re good. Then Ali gets up and shows that she’s the whitest woman on Earth, but gives it the old college try.

***

Next up is Cape Cod Chris, so guess where they are? Chris is excited to match the two things he loves (Cape Cod and his family) to Ali (something he likes?).

They trot to each other on the beach and hug. Ali gets no air. If you’re going to rate greetings, here’s what the order would be, from worst to first, in a handy-dandy reference guide you can print off and consult when the need arises. Ali and Chris's greeting is in bold:

Handshake
No touching whatsoever
Lean-in hug
Close hug with a tap on the back
Close long hug
Trot to each other and close hug, no air
Run to each other and close hug, no air
Close long hug followed by kiss on the cheek
Close long hug followed by a perfunctory kiss on the lips
Trot to each other and close hug, no air, kiss on the cheek
Trot to each other and close hug, no air, perfunctory kiss on the lips
Run to each other and close hug, no air, kiss on the cheek
Run to each other and close hug, no air, perfunctory kiss on the lips
Trot to each other and close hug, airlift
Run to each other and close hug, airlift
Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, kiss on the cheek
Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
Run to each other and close hug, airlift, kiss on the cheek
Run to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap
Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, kiss on the cheek
Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
Close long hug followed by a deep kiss
Trot to each other and close hug, no air, deep kiss
Run to each other and close hug, no air, deep kiss
Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, deep kiss
Run to each other and close hug, airlift, deep kiss
Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, deep kiss
Run to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, deep kiss

As you can see, they’ve got a long way to go. She says she hasn’t seen all sides of Chris and she’s hoping he opens up more. I still don’t get what she wants. I don’t see anyone else opening up any more than he has.

Meanwhile, Chris calls her the “perfect girlfriend”. He’d never leave her, I bet. And that means she’ll never pick him. Nice guys finish last. Or, in this case, no worse than 4th, but probably not first.

They enter the house and Ali makes a beeline for the photos of his late mother, which, she says, are all over the house. And she feels closer to Chris than she ever has to this point. They sit on the porch and pretend to be an old couple. Chris tells her she makes him smile and happy. Ali tells us she’s really feeling him today.

***

Chris’s dad walks in. He seems like the perfect patriarch. Then the brothers and their wives arrive, one of whom (Sara) looks like Maria Shriver (left) at a normal weight and without a facelift and normal-sized teeth. They have the same low hairline. Or maybe all Massachussettsians look pretty much the same.

(Aside time: I’ve never met anyone who can’t pronounce the first ‘t’ in important, like Ali, but I’ve seen it on TV. Is it a regionalism? Anyone got any info on that?)

Chris’s dad always told his mom, “Love is the only reality. And if you have love, nothing else matters.” Not sure a homeless person would agree, but it’s a nice sentiment.

***

Chris’s dad kinda reminds me of The Friendly Giant (maybe my American friends won’t get that reference, but that’s him in the photo. He was a hero to Canadian kids of my vintage). The dad says to Ali that he knows she left her job to be with her grandmother... I know she left her job to do The Bachelorette; I didn’t know about the grandmother. Hmm, is this a pattern? Is Ali all talk when it comes to jobs? She comes off all career-oriented, but she’ll quit at the first chance she gets?

The dad thinks Ali’s a keeper. I think Chris is in way too deep. They climb a mini tower somewhere out back of their home and Chris goes in for a kiss. She turns her head so he goes for the neck. Ali says, “I like it when you kiss my neck” but her internal editor doesn’t let slip the rest: “because it grosses me out when you kiss my lips.” Finally, he grabs her by the back of the neck and forces himself on her. She kisses back but it looks to me like she’s not really into it and backs off at the first chance. Oh, poor, poor Chris. Ali’s got a very good thing there and she doesn’t know it.

***

Next up is Mouldy Kirk’s family in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Ali does the slow trot, and Kirk gets her airborn but her legs dangle. There are no kisses until Kirk grabs her by the jawline, saying, “Come here” and plants a wet one on her. She complies but not wholeheartedly.

Kirk comes from a split home, he says, and Ali needs to see both sides. Apparently, his parents don’t even speak to each other. Ali, too, comes from a broken home but her parents speak, as did mine. How bad is it when two middle-aged or old people who have grown kids can’t even sit in the same room together for TV’s sake?

His dad sure looks young. Maybe that’s why. Or maybe he just looks young because my reference points are so old. He and his new wife have an adopted pre-teen daughter, so he can’t be that old. And this is TV, so he can’t be as creepy as the edit they’re giving him, either. He says, “So Ali, would you like to go see my basement?”, with a lecherous grin. We’ve all known for weeks what’s down there, though, so there’s no surprise. All the walls are covered with stuffed animal heads. “This is what I do,” he says. “This is my taxidermy work. I bring animals back to life.” That’s a pleasant spin, isn’t it? He brings them to life and keeps them locked up in his basement. What a humanitarian!

Then he opens up a freezer. Because that’s what you do when you’re showing your son’s girlfriend around, right? She asks what the bags are. He says, “You don’t really want to know what that is, do you?” But it’s not what you think. They’re just frozen dead animals.

Kirk’s dad is great, says Ali, once she got past the initial shock of the animals. The dad says he’d love to have Ali around all the time. I bet he would.

After a successful date at dad’s place, Kirk gets to take her to his mom’s place. Extra TV time. Coming from a broken home finally pays off.

***

Kirk now shows off the women in his life: his mom, grandmother and sister. Seeing Ali with them makes Kirk all warm inside. Now he’s finally ready to give in a relationship. This is what he wants.

I won’t say his mom looks all that young, but she’s wearing braces. The ladies seem great. Nice family. It makes me wonder, though, just how bitter the breakup was between the mom and dad that they couldn’t even sit there all together and meet their son’s potential future ex-fiancée.

***

Crazy Eyes Frank is back in Chicago. I don’t know why but I always thought of him as a Seattle guy. I don’t know what that tells me about him or Seattle.

Ali is really, really into this guy for reasons only the editors know. Just the sight of him walking towards her makes her run straight to him. Frank barely broke into a trot. She gets some air on the embrace but the cameras don’t show us from the waist down. Still, the fact she ran to him tells me she’s into him the most. She can’t contain herself. She keeps going on how funny he is. Still haven’t seen it. I mean, not an ounce of it.

Sitting on a boat, Frank tells Ali he has concerns about the date. The process just sucks, he says because he’s obviously never seen a single episode of this show from all the seasons past. He has these awesome feelings, but then has to be away from her. It’s a very stressful ordeal. He’s just never entirely confident. Wah-wah, what a whiner.

I love the t-shirt he’s wearing. He looks like a French mime. Could that neckline be any lower?

***

Ali is getting to the point where she really needs the stay-at-home retail manager to step up. They arrive home to meet Frank’s mom and dad. I know I’m getting old because they look young, too. They’re really funny, unlike their pedestrian son. Okay, maybe it is all in the editing. He must be somewhat funny with parents like that.

Frank’s pregnant sister had a big butt... No, wait. She had a big ‘but’. She started to say they look so happy together, “but--” and was interrupted by Frank. I wonder what she was going to say. She tells Ali Frank’s an emotional guy who’s guided by his emotions. No kidding. It's all right there in his crazy eyes.

We didn’t get to see Frank’s room. I would have thought Ali would want to see where she’d be sleeping should she choose him. And I wanted to see if he had Spider-Man sheets on his bed.

***

Well, that’s it for the hometown dates. Ali says she’s crazy about all four of these guys and it breaks her heart to let one of them go after meeting their families. She sits down with Chris to rehash the four dates. She was enthusiastic about all of them. The only one she didn’t have a cautious word about was Roberto, which tells me he’s the one to go. Chris asks if her husband is among those guys. She sighs, mentions she’s scared, but says yes. She’s already crying about the prospect of sending one of them home. Can’t wait until the rose ceremony.

***

Roberto is looking a little ragged, with his tie all askew. Ali enters and starts to blubber during her pre-rose speech but pulls herself together in time. We know Frank is in since we know all too well his “we need to talk” line is in a future episode.

First rose goes to Roberto. Oh good! Glad I was wrong about that.
Second rose goes to Chris. So we know, thanks to the brutal editors of this stupid show, that Kirk is a goner since we’ve seen Frank in upcoming highlights.
The last rose goes to... Frank. Chris Harrison should have announced that this would be “the least dramatic last rose in Bachelorette history!”

She mouths “sorry” to Mouldy Kirk. They sit down together and he tells her not to be sorry. She’s bawling. But he tells her it’s okay; it just sucks. As he turns to get in the limo, she whines, “I need a hug.” He complies but should have just slammed the door.

Kirk didn’t see this coming. He’s never had his heart broken before because he’s usually the one to leave in a relationship. Karma’s a bitch, dude.

Back inside, Ali is all smiles, glad she shedded that dead weight. She tells the guys they’re going to Tahiti next. But of course we’ve known for weeks. But at least we'll finally be able to see what, exactly, is up with Crazy Eyes Frank.