Bachelorette Canada: Villain-free

It seems my routine is set. I don't know what I do Tuesday nights but I know I end up watching Bachelorette Canada the following Monday. And I enjoy it! Don't know why I can't bring myself to watch it in real time. I've got a few episodes left to try to rectify this. In the meantime, here's a recap on last Tuesday's episode.

The reduced gang is still in Morocco. That's pretty cool, I gotta say. And it's all quiet on the eastern front as Cocky Drew is on a plane back to his bros and in Toronto. The remaining five all get along swimmingly. People say we need a villain in these types of shows but I disagree strongly and offer up this episode as evidence. Some might say it's boring with everyone getting along. I say it's civil. There's enough inherent drama in people trying to find a connection without the added distraction of a villain.

Last episode, Captain Canada showed his jealous side and he and Jasmine had a little tiff. It weighed heavily on the gloomy gus and he hasn't been sleeping well. But he visibly brightens up for the first time ever when he's selected for the first one-on-one date. It's like night and day. This guy wears his emotions on his already tattooed sleeve.

The added twist this week is that there will be no roses handed out on any of the dates. Jasmine really wants to get to know the guys and give them a fair chance without worrying about who to rose because next week are the hometown visits.

Jasmine and Captain Canada get out of the big city and experience true Berber culture. Are you familiar with the Berbers? Are you a Be-lerber? No, it's not a community of former baby actors. That's Gerber. Here's what my computing machine says:

Any of the descendants of the pre-Arab inhabitants of North Africa. The Berbers live in scattered communities across Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia, Libya, Egypt, Mali, Niger, and Mauretania.

They meet a Berber couple at their pad. The couple doesn't speak English. The nerve of them! Captain Canada is rocking a traditional Berber outfit and looks great. Inside the house (!), they milk a cow. The goats stay out of the way on the other side of the room. Jasmine had a cow growing up (!) and milked it a couple times, but she was rusty. Captain Canada also had some experience milking a cow but was a little rough on the teats, making the cow jump. Take note, Jasmine.

Then they bake bread in the adobe house. (I have no idea if it's adobe. They should have told us. Now I'm at risk of my ignorance becoming public. But my computing machine says this about adobe:

An adobe brick is a composite material made of earth mixed with water and an organic material such as straw or dung. The soil composition typically contains sand, silt and clay.

So I stand by my description.

Next they bake some bread. Again, they should have told us exactly what type of bread it was. Looked like a thick roti or naan. They kneaded the dough then put it over a fire. Presto! Bread!

Out on a roof sipping wine, Jasmine notes that Captain Canada is so different when he's outside the group. The lesson here, Jasmine, is that he needs to get his own way or he'll pout. He tells her something about her just makes her smile (when there are no other guys around, presumably) and that if he saw her out in the real world in a grocery store and didn't say hi to her, he'd regret it. Lesson here, Jasmine, is that he's a player.

Jasmine asks him if he's ready for this. She recalls him saying he's been on about 100 first dates. He tells her he's not a player, right after I wrote that he was! That must mean something. After telling him he always says the "right thing," she says she wants a person who supports and encourages her and she wants to do the same thing for that person. Proving he always says the right thing, he answers immediately, "Whatever you said!" Okay, he didn't say exactly that but he may as well have. He said, "That's exactly what I want."

Around him, she feels comfortable and wanted and desired and safe and closer to him now because they got through their first fight. First of many, probably. She told him he was strong both physically and emotionally. Does she not recall the hissy fit when he didn't get the rose?

We got another example of how well the guys get along when the next date was a one-on-one, too, and it went to the other Kevin, aka Rob Schneider. Everyone was happy for him. That should be the template for all future Canadian editions. We get along. No villains!

Schneider and Jasmine greet each other with a hug. Remember, they've only kissed once before. They go rock climbing. He's wearing the shortest long shorts I've ever seen. He likes doing stuff like this and seeing Jasmine do it with gusto makes him like her even more. She's knocking down his walls. And sure enough, when they get to the top, they kiss like there's no tomorrow. And there isn't for Schneider.

Afterwards they sit on a rock drinking wine. He has to tell her about his family and how it affects his closed nature. He says the hometown date freaks him out a bit. Turns out he's "bounced around" since he was five years old. And his mom went through "a lot of... serious... battles." It sounded like that sentence was cobbled together in editing. When she said her dad also had addiction issues, we can surmise that was the battle his mom faced, but who knows? He hasn't fully healed. Also hasn't seen her in about 15 years, although they talk occasionally. So he's learned to put up walls.

Jasmine relates. And then Schneider goes back and forth between sounding like he wants to continue, and practically demanding that she let him go. He tells her, "There's some great guys here and I don't doubt for a second that those guys couldn't be really good to you. So could I." She cries. Seems she's really digging him.

Then she pulls the rug out from us all. She says if she continued with him, she'd probably end up in a relationship that isn't sustainable. She needs someone who isn't so similar to her.

He tells her he's not looking for a comfortable life; he's looking for a passionate life. He asks if this "is a fork in the road or the end of the road?" She hems and haws. Back from commercials, she says it feels like the end of the road. And he looks as relieved as Captain Canada was at getting the one-on-one date card. There's not a second of sadness. He immediately says, 'This has been amazing." This worked out as well as it could have for him. He got to travel the world and not be stuck in a long-term and/or phony relationship. Win-win.

The group date is with the remaining three: Nipple Ring, 8-Pack, and Ben Wha-? They arrive in the Marrakesh market but Jasmine is nowhere to be seen. The Hunchback Noah arrives to tell them the fun part of the date is off. But they'll still get to hang with Jasmine for some deep conversations by a swimming pool.

She's waiting for them in a hot red bikini, the best kind of attire for serious conversation, I find. Ben Wha-? takes her away first. He hasn't taken a woman to his parents' house in seven years. He's got a bunch of questions for her so keeps his tongue inside his own mouth. She felt a serious vibe from him for the first time. But he doesn't get far because 8-Pack interrupted.

She's still not sure about living in Winnipeg, though. That's her built-in excuse for 8-Pack. But she also pulls off a Backwards Schneider defence, wherein she tells the button-down 8-Pack that she likes to fly by the seat of her pants and he's more of a homebody type. Remember with Schneider, she wanted a homebody and not someone who flies by the seat of his pants.

When Nipple Ring sits with her, she takes off the shawl that was covering up the hot red bikini. That might mean something.

She gives some more time to Ben Wha-?, who's wondering what type of guy she wants. She tells him she's not interested in a type. It's more about connection and compatibility and the future she sees. And it doesn't hurt if they have abs aplenty.

When they all convene back at the pool, Nipple Ring hugs her and gets a boner.

No cocktail party. Ben Wha-? wears suspenders so his fate is sealed. He's got no chance to redeem himself. Then again, Nipple Ring and Captain Canada are both wearing capri pants, so all bets are off.

Noah is bad-ass with his instructions to the guys before the ceremony, telling them that whoever doesn't get a rose, "say your goodbyes and leave immediately." Harsh.

There are three roses for the remaining four. They go in order to:

1. Nipple Ring
2. Captain Canada
3. 8-Pack

So we bid au revoir to Ben Wha-? He tells her she's in good hands. "Those three guys are beauties," he says. He hugs her and tells her she's such a "nice person." It was so simple yet oddly maybe the most touching thing anyone has ever said in a breakup on this show.

The After Show featured Schneider, who didn't look much like Rob Schneider at all. We saw highlights of him playing his uke in all sorts of locations. It would have been nice to see some of this on the actual show.

Schneider's pick is Nipple Ring "all the way." I concur.

Next week is hometowns. The highlights make it look tense with Nipple Ring's dad and Captain Canada's mom. But we've been fooled by highlights before.

Next week? No, tonight! Maybe I'll watch.

Bachelorette Canada: Good for business

Hi all. Did you enjoy last week's episode? Bachelorette Canada is growing on me, I gotta admit. I don't have a sense that it'll produce a lasting relationship, but whatevs.

The cast and crew were in Morocco. Very exotic. I don't believe we've ever seen that kind of location in the American version. I'd like to, though.

Jasmine started the episode off walking around Marrakesh in sexy, short white shorts. Even though they were in Morocco, there was no camel toe. I thought maybe her shorts would be problematic in a largely Muslim country, but later on she and Ben Wha–? were treated to a local belly dancer who put that concern to bed. I guess it's a fairly liberal country.

There are seven dudes left so we're getting down to the wire. Not sure when the big ending is but it's gotta be any week now.

Noah (the host) entered and it didn't help that he was sporting new facial hair. We already don't recognize him. Why the need to go even more incognito than he already is?

The first date is a one-on-one with Ben Wha–? Exactly: Wha–? She seems to really like him. But not in any serious sexual relationship way. Just amused by his goofy antics. Like a BFF. She just loves hanging out with him. He makes her laugh, for some unexplainable reason. "He's just such a little French firecracker," she said. But he may not be aware of his status. As he said, "Tings are getting real right now."

She wants to go deeper with Ben Wha–? Enough with the jokes and probing tongue. So he offered some platitudes on wanting a family and that seemed to do the trick. She likes how "honest and real" he is. She gave him the rose and said she could see a future with him. Presumably that involves lots of shopping and going for coffee.

The next date was the dreaded two-on-one with one person at least guaranteed to go home. She chose two relatively nice, sweet fellas: 8-Pack Mike and Sexual Tongue Thomas. The homebody versus the nomad. The body versus the face, said Captain Canada.

They ride camels into the desolate desert. None of them wore a hat. That doesn't seem sensible.

In all that expanse, when she took Thomas aside, they couldn't find a private place. They sat in full view of Mike as they discussed their relationship. Mike admitted his life is "very unstructured." She told him it was a "difficult place to start a relationship."

Then she sat with Mike, in full view of Thomas. Mike told her about his greatest regret. When he was eight, his mother was sick in the hospital. He was invited to a birthday party and decided not to visit his mom that day. And she passed away that night. He vowed never to be that selfish again.

Rose time. She walked back to Thomas and told him she thought he was an amazing person. That's never a good sign. She admires so much about him, she sniffled. She wants his lifestyle eventually but, again, it would be hard to begin a relationship that way, she said. But haven't they already begun their relationship?

He took the hint, hugged her and said he wished her happiness and loved every minute of his experience. He dodged a bullet. He was in serious jeopardy of settling down.

She went over to Mike and told him she could see a future with him. She said he's more regimented than her but that's not a bad thing. Sometimes couples need a balance, she said. So she gave him the rose. She admitted she still has concerns about him but she's looking at long-term potential rather than just feelings of the moment. That's a Bachelor/ette first!

Cocky Drew knew Mike would be chosen because he feels Mike is more similar to himself. And this was just the beginning of his public unravelling. I have to quote the whole passage of what he said because it's just so ridiculously juicy:

"I'm still a businessman, you know what I mean? It's still respectful to be a prick? The more interesting of a man that I am, the better my career. If I do this show, I don't even have to sell anything. Like, after this, I literally just walk into a room at a conference cocktail party – like I do anyways; I'm a good-looking guy, I do it anyways. I walk in and like, 'Who's that guy?' You know, I just walk around and work the room. With this, I just walk in a room and people will be like, 'There's that guy!' and they'll talk about it, right? Like, they know my name and who I am as opposed to 'Let's find out who that guy is over there.' So it's good for me. It's good for my business."

And that, my friends, is the textbook definition of "not there for the right reasons." He wasn't finished, though. He also said:

"I'd love to do some mid- to low-level acting. Seriously. I seriously would. I think it would be awesome."

I love how he doesn't set his sights too high! Just mid- to low-level.

And this:

"You need to be a bit of a confident prick. As long as I don't look like a complete ass on TV."

Ooh, too late, buddy!

The group date is Cocky Drew, Captain Canada (Kevin W), Nipple Ring (Mikhel), and Rob Schneider (Kevin P). They went on a stroll through the market when it started to pour. Good thing they all wore their flood pants.

They visit a Moroccan tea house where they learn to make mint tea. The key: tons of sugar and try to pour it from a stepladder.

Captain Canada takes every opportunity to say how much he detests group dates. Poor bunny. He feels like Jasmine is his girlfriend.

She has a real (or seemingly so) connection with Nipple Ring, who continues to be nervous around her but is very sweet and genuine (or seemingly so). He told her she's one of the most genuinely beautiful people and that melted her.

She talked with Schneider about his guardedness, but she doesn't take it as a negative. She's wise. She knows he just takes his time getting to know people before getting physical.

Her conversation with Cocky Drew didn't go as well. He was on auto-pilot, just talking about himself. She called him on it and asked what he wanted to know about her. That stumped him.

Captain Canada was brooding and intense. He said he was homesick and missing real life. She was the only reason he was still there.

The rose goes to Nipple Ring, much to the consternation of the jealous Captain Canada. He considered it a "slap in the face." Cocky Drew thought it was a "participation rose" for being "most improved."

At the cocktail party, Jasmine has a healthy portion of white wine. She needed it with Drew going on and on about his life story. She felt like he was just acting. Low-level, though.

Jasmine and Rob Schneider finally kissed and it was a good one. He might be the sleeper in this contest. Cocky Drew and Captain Canada both witness the kiss so Captain Canada goes to move in. She called him "grouchy." He told her he wanted the rose. It got quite testy. She said, "How about you let me talk for one second? You can't just expect that I'm going to give you the rose and then have a hissy fit about it if I don't. If I connect with someone – and I feel like I have – then that's up to me." He responded that he's "so fucking embarrassed" and "jealous."

She makes a great point that I've never heard on any incarnation of this show: "You're not there during my conversations with other people and you may think you've opened up to me a bunch but other people have opened up a lot to me, too." And then just to twist the dagger, she added, "And some a lot more than you."

He got up and left, saying, "I'm done." I feel there must have been some more drama that was left on the editing room floor. The next thing we see is him saying he wants a rose at the rose ceremony.

Noah arrives shaved this time. It's rose time. Ben Wha–?, 8-Pack, and Nipple Ring are safe. Two more roses are handed out to:

1. Rob Schneider
2. Captain Canada

So Cocky Drew goes home. That's good for one more raised eyebrow and snicker. He tells a producer, "Is this a fucking joke? You're telling me this girl picked half of these guys over me? You walk me into the classiest joint in Toronto with any of these guys, who do you think gets the girl? It's bullshit. Mark my words, your ratings after this episode... done!" And on his way out muttered, "This girl's a fucking idiot."

To top it all off, the director asked him if he wanted to be the next Bachelor. His answer: "Yes." Too funny.

Next week is more Morocco.

The After Show featured Thomas along with Trista and Ryan. Ryan started out surly, making fun of Canadian accents and admitting he doesn't watch the show, but slowly warmed up. Maybe Trista or a producer reminded him that they paid his family's way to the city for a little vacay.

And Thomas was a delight. Will we get Cocky Drew this week? Hope so.

Bachelorette Canada: It's finger-sucking bad

Hey, you. It's me. How've you been? Great. Glad to hear it.

Last week while watching the show, our cable server went on the fritz. Most of the channels were all glitchy. Twitter told me we weren't the only ones. But what a world we live in! Through the wonders of modern technology, I finished watching a few days later online. What a time to be alive!

The gang was in Quebec City, or as the locals call it, Quebec. Jasmine had never been there before. She called it beautiful and romantic but stopped short at saying it was the perfect place to fall in love. Duly noted.

This episode was also brought to us from the good folks at Rotten Ronnie's. More blatant product placement with their (admittedly good) coffee. (Ah, who am I kidding? I also love their Egg McMuffins, cheeseburgers, fries, Big Macs, apple pies, smoothies...)

The one-on-one date went to 8-Pack Mike. How shallow is this woman? As soon as she sees his bare tummy, she gets all hot and bothered and takes him on a one-on-one. They take off in a helicopter. She says, "I'm really attracted to him." She means, of course, "to his abs."

Mike has been single for a couple of years, we learn. She tells his abs, "I just feel this building attraction with you." They kiss. Their chemistry is "off the charts." All this is happening on the helicopter and poor Mike has never been in one before. He's missing the tour!

It's rainy in Quebec City. See, it's not just Vancouver. Hey producers, why not shoot in the summer? You're making us look bad.

At dinner, they talk about where they might live. Mike is in Winnipeg, but as comedian Nikki Payne said on the After Show, he's a fireman – houses catch on fire everywhere. Great point. He doesn't need to stick around Winnipeg if he doesn't want to. Jasmine thinks Winnipeg is too cold, but on the other hand likes the idea of living closer to her hometown. So she gives him the rose and then they dance awkwardly alone in front of a chanteuse and guitarist.

The group date was with Nipple Ring, the Inventor, Rob Schneider, and Sexual Tongue (Mikhel, Chris, Kevin P, Thomas, for anyone just stumbling upon this blog for the first time). They're going to do lumberjack stuff wearing red plaid jackets. The Inventor says he doesn't have abs but he does have some hidden strength. Too bad. She only likes guys with abs.

The winner of the 'jack-off gets a mini date with her. She says she's looking for a strong man but not in a physical way, so what better competition than one that highlights brute strength? They will compete by carrying a log, chopping wood, and hammering nails.

Old Sexual Tongue, the International Model, was born and raised on a construction site, so he wins  with an overall time of 4 minutes 18 seconds. Nipple Ring is a close second, at 4:35. Schneider is 4:49 and the Inventor is 5:14. He needs to invent a time machine to go back and redo the challenge.

Oh, is anyone watching this new show I keep seeing commercials for? Ben & Laura? What the hell? I love their catch phrase: We survived The Bachelor; now it's time for real life. But make sure it's all filmed, just like in real life. Ben was one of my favourite Bachelors ever. I thought he had a good head on his shoulders. Turns out he's just a fame whore like all the rest of them.

Jasmine and Thomas ride off in a horse carriage under plaid blankets. She's attracted to his intensity, but she wants to connect with him in a lighter way. Always wanting what she's not getting. They head to a rustic cabin. He brags that he could build it with his eyes closed. He's not just a pretty face.

Jasmine gets to know both Thomas, the international model, and Tom, the wild party guy who dances till the music shuts off. Although there was no dancing and no music, including his bad singing into a wine bottle. He sounds like every boy band you ever heard. I mean, points for trying, and all, but maybe he should have waited until they were on a karaoke date.

She gives Sexual Tongue a rose and they cheers to getting weird and kiss.

The next group date is with Ben Wha?, Captain Canada, and Cocky Drew. Drew says he's not going to fight for Jasmine. He's obviously taking those texts with Chad to heart.

The date is to Siberia Spa, because when you think of relaxing spas to pamper yourself, you think of Siberia.

Jasmine's going to get a mani, a pedi, and a massage. And the fellas are going to give them to her. Only she'll be blindfolded and they are to remain silent.

Cocky Drew draws the massage. He undoes her bikini top and she says to be careful of the side boob. Then he straddles her. Silently.

Anyone can give a massage. But how the hell do you do a mani or pedi without training? Turns out you don't. You just give a hand or foot massage. Ben Wha? gives the hand massage and includes some finger sucking. Gross. She immediately knows it's him. He's still unwatchable.

Captain Canada does the foot massage. Lots of toe porn for the foot fetishists out there. She loves it. She can tell that the person doing it wants her. She feels giddy. I think she can see our the bottom of her blindfold. She nails all three.

Once it's over, Ben Wha? tells her about his family's chalet. She sees his serious side so he wastes no more time and goes in for the slobbery kiss. She laughs and pushes him away. Somewhere, Seth is wondering what he did wrong.

Drew tells her "exactly what she wants to hear." He tells her about a house he recently bought by the beach. Then before he goes in for his first kiss, he says, "I haven't tested these lips out." She just laughs at that because that's just the way he is, always a salesman. Yet somehow she feels attracted to him.

Capt. Canada doesn't ask for one-on-one time. He's a bit jealous so he just sits sulking in the hot tub. So he can't get the rose. And the always mugging Ben Wha? can't possibly get one. So Cocky Drew wins the rose by process of elimination. He gets even cockier.

At the cocktail party, Nipple Ring whispers to Jasmine that he get really shy in front of the cameras. She tells him she knows and that it's annoying so stop it. But he manages to get out that he's coming at her full speed. They kiss.

The Inventor says he's going to lay it all on the line and go in for the kiss. He says he's nervous but confident. He tells the cameras that she's got beautiful lips (do you think they're aided by collagen?) and he can't wait to grab her and start making out.

Guess what? Doesn't happen. After giving her a "gift" of the lyrics he wrote to the song they recorded in Jamaica, he leans in. And she leans out. Shut down! He's experienced this many times before with women. Seriously? Many times? I kinda like Chris, but maybe he's not the best at reading situations if this is happening to him many times.

Jasmine tells him she hasn't had the time to build that kind of connection with him. So that gives him hope that she'll want to have more time to build a connection. Oh poor dear Inventor. Denial ain't just a river in Africa, as they say.

Noah, the host, enters. I don't think I'll ever get used to him as the show's face. It's rose ceremony time. 8-Pack, Sexual Tongue, and Cocky Drew all have roses. There are four more to hand out, with one person going home. They go in order to:

1. Nipple Ring
2. Captain Canada
3. Ben Wha?
4. Rob Schneider

So she chooses old slobbery kiss Ben Wha? over Baby Einstein. Her loss. The Inventor is going home. Noah doesn't quite understand the host's function. He just memorized some stock line and tried to apply it in this situation. With only one guy going home, Noah said, "Gentlemen, if you did not receive a rose, say your goodbyes." Chris Harrison would have known to personalize it to the one person who needs to say goodbye. Noah was on autopilot.

Chris says, "the evasive thing called love continues to evade me... Why is it the nice guys always lose?... At what point does that change?" And he broke down in the limo.

Next week they're going camel riding in Morocco. Cool!

The After Show featured the detestable Ashley I along with the Inventor. He was great. Ashley I (which stands for Eyebrow, apparently) was wearing a v-neck shirt that vee'd down to her naval. She managed to get through the show without crying.

There were two segments with host Jenn gabbing with a Superfan in a spa. Let's not make this a regular thing, huh, producers?

The comedian was Nikki Payne, who was a live wire. But somebody in the control room was asleep. They allowed a tweet that said she sounded like a pirate and needed more wine to display along the bottom.