Will we find out who has the girlfriend back home tonight? Will it be the only funny guy left in the house (the Wrassler)? Iceland was cool when Batty Kasey was left on the side of a mountain. Who will be the turkey in Istanbul? Let’s find out, shall we?! Melodrama awaits!She’s thrilled to be in the old Constantinople. She had no idea 13 million people lived there. I suppose that shouldn’t be a slight on her. I didn’t, either. But I knew it was a major city. And I know it’s the only city in the world that spans two continents: it’s partly in Europe and partly in Asia, in case that comes up later.
Chris knocks on Ali’s door. Former cast member Jesse (I don’t remember her), pining for yet more screen time, gave the show a call to tell them the news. This isn’t a set-up at all. It looks completely organic. Now we have to sit through five rings as Chris calls her up, just to build tension so we can watch Ali monitor the pulse on her neck.
Jesse is calling from Toronto, so that can only mean one thing: it’s the Canadian Wrassler, just as everyone suspected. Hey look, there happens to be a camera at Jesse’s house, and the Wrassler’s supposed girlfriend is there with her! What a coincky-dink! The story is they (the Wrassler and his girlfriend Jessica) had planned it together. And the reason she’s contacted the show is because she just found out he has yet another girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. (I just made that up. Feel free to use it.)
This just smacks of... something. I’m not saying it is or isn’t true. I’m just saying it reeks of something. Like maybe the show knew about it all along or he was planted from the beginning just for the drama. You know, just like in all-star wrestling. He’s playing the part of the bad guy.
Ali says Justin, the Wrassler, kept telling her he was there for the right reasons. But that doesn’t mean he was lying. For him, the right reasons might have been publicity. So he could have been telling the truth.
Anyway, she wants him on the first flight back to Canada. First the Sarnia Sleaze and now this. It’s a black mark on this fine country. Will we ever live it down?
***
This has been Ali’s fear from the beginning, that she’s going to give her heart to someone only to have it served back to her on a silver platter. Chris coaches her outside the Wrassler’s room, telling her to take a deep breath.
All the guys are sitting there. Ali cuts right to the chase, saying Justin must really miss his girlfriend in Canada. The Wrassler just gets up and walks away. Just like that. He says he’d rather just not say anything. We hear him say he doesn’t have a girlfriend and Chris asks him if he’s just going to walk away. He says, “Fuck you” to Chris and walks out. This just doesn’t add up.
Ali finds him outside. He tells her if she wants to talk off-camera he will. She puts her finger on his stomach and he says, “Don’t touch me.” Ali shouts after him, “Justin, you’re going to regret this!” Regret what? Walking away? The damage has been done. Wouldn’t he regret sticking around hemming and hawing and looking even worse?
It’s all so over-the-top I don’t know what to make of it. There must be so much more to the story. Can’t wait to hear it. Thank God he’s from Ontario. Nobody likes those jerks.
***
The Wrassler is still walking. Ali is sitting by a fountain. He comes and sits beside her. Here goes: “I know you probably want to rip my head off now,” he says. He says he has strong feelings for Jessica but more as a best friend. He says he’s been less and less into this show, though. He wanted to give the rose back the day after he got it and Kasey was sent home. Still, I think we can all agree it was a good thing Kasey was sent home. The Wrassler did her a favour that way and she should be eternally grateful for that.Ali gives the Wrassler a piece of her mind. He just hung his head and walked away. To Ali, that was a cowardly move. He denied strongly having another girlfriend. As he we see him walking away we hear the evidence: three phone messages he left with Jessica pleading for her to be his wife and pick up the phone. Well, that’s not gonna happen now, is it, Jessica?
Man, did I just turn this all on Jessica? My man crush has gone too far. But hey, he was expressing his love for her and she just ratted him out on national TV.
***
Okay, let’s concentrate on these other losers.
Aha! Ugly Craig says he’s so glad “that turkey” is gobbling his way back to Canada.
Date card! Back to fake reality!
It’s a one-on-one card. “Let’s get steamy.” It’s for Big Ears Ty. He’s one of the good guys and I’d say the front runner. There’s no way he doesn’t get a rose.
They walk through the beautiful Istanbul hand-in-hand, looking like a nice couple. They arrive at a Turkish bath. I do know that only men are usually allowed to go there, but they make an exception for the show. I hope it doesn’t cause an international incident.Dumb question of all time: Big Ears asks if she likes massages. Is there any woman alive who would answer in the negative to that question?
Group date card arrives back at the hotel. “Love conquers ol(ive)”. Man, they’re stretching. Cape Cod Chris, Roberto Clemente, Mouldy Kirk, and Ugly Craig. Turns out everyone else has a one-on-one date and Ugly Craig hasn’t had any. So Crazy Eyes Frank will get his second. You think it’s because Craig is ugly? Nah, couldn’t be. Just a fluke, Craig, just a fluke.
***
Big Ears and Ali have dinner by the water. His feelings have gotten stronger and stronger and I think the feeling is reciprocated. The rose is sitting there. No drama or tension here whatsoever. He begs to be flattered, asking her what it is about him that she likes. She likes his looks. To her credit, she doesn’t mention his ears.
He talks about his divorce. Did I know he was divorced? Probably, but I don’t remember it. He’s sounding like a big ole chauvinist now. He expected his wife to stay at home, he tells Ali. But now he realizes that women are CEOs of companies so needn’t stay at home once they’ve finished the dishes and made the beds and they get home in time to make dinner. Ali smiles inexplicably. This raises no alarm bells for her, or at least she’s not letting on. I say, to use a down home homily, you can’t change a leopard’s spots. So I’m sure there’s still some residual sexism lingering.
Ugly Craig wants Big Ears Ty to be sent home because he wants to be the last man standing. Dreamer.
Ali thinks Big Ears Ty is more ready for all this because of what he’s experienced. Yeah, that’s one way of looking at it. People in love will never see the obvious warning signs. Everything will be filtered through the positive lens in their brain. And if they aren’t into them, everything will be filtered through the negative lens.
They dance to some traditional Turkish music on the street. Very romantic. I want to go to Istanbul. But not to dance.
***
Ali plays Rapunzel (I wrote that seconds before Mouldy Kirk said it), waiting for the four fellas from high atop a castle.
They drink beer outside. She tells them there will be no rose on this date, but there will be some fighting. Four Turkish dudes, shirtless and oiled up, enter behind a traditional Turkish band. (I’m guessing it’s traditionally Turkish, anyway. Makes sense, them being in Turkey and all.)
It’s called Olive Oil Wrestling and it’s a professional sport in Turkey. Man, too bad the Wrassler didn’t last one more episode. He'd have kicked their butts with a 2x4 or folding chair. This is a sport I could love if it’s anything like sumo wrestling.After getting roughed up by the Turks, the four contestants fight each other with the winner getting some special one-on-one time, so it’s “just as impor-ant”. Why can’t Ali pronounce the first ‘t’ in important?
It comes down to Roberto Clemente and Ugly Craig. Roberto is a pro athlete... well, baseball, so close enough... and Ugly Craig is a dorky lawyer. But it’s a battle. Ugly Craig won’t give up. For some reason, known only to aficionados of Turkish Olive Oil Wrestling fans, the ref raises Ugly Craig’s hand. He wins despite getting his butt kicked. Ali looks crestfallen. After doing her best to avoid one-on-one time with the homely attorney, she can no longer put it off.
Hey, you don’t think the producers got in the ear of the ref and fixed the match, do you? Nah, this show has too much integrity for that.
***
While the other three magnanimously tell Crazy Eyes Frank about Ugly Craig’s deeds (obviously Craig’s no threat to them), Crazy Eyes just stares. Because that’s what Crazy Eyes does best. Even though he’s got his own one-on-one date coming up, he can’t even show the slightest bit of happiness for a guy who’s got absolutely no hope.
Ali and Ugly Craig have a dinner somewhere and damned if he doesn’t win me over with his sense of humour again. He talks about taking his Olive Oil Wrestling career to the next level. He’s way funnier than Crazy Eyes Frank. Granted, that’s not saying much, so let me rephrase: Craig is genuinely funny. And he seems like a good guy.Ali’s body language isn’t exactly saying “come hither” though. She sits with her head facing Ugly Craig but her body is aimed squarely at the door as if she’s planning her escape route.
The one-on-one date card with Crazy Eyes Frank says, “The road to love is bazaar.” I’m guessing that’s the spelling of ‘bizarre’ since they’re in Turkey, doncha know?
Ugly Craig and Ali watch fireworks. In my head I’m singing the theme to Love, American Style.
I think Ugly Craig is growing on me. Could he be my new favourite? I certainly always go for the underdog, so maybe he is.
***
My wife just said she has no desire to go to Turkey. Reason? “Have you seen Midnight Express?” I think she missed the part about the drug smuggling.
Ali says her first date with Crazy Eyes Frank was amazing but since then he continues to disappoint her. They walk through a spice bazaar and play dress-up. Ali comes out as a belly dancer. Crazy Eyes Frank’s eyes get crazier as he hugs his genie. “Oh my God, wow!”
Back at the hotel, Ugly Craig says he thinks he’s the type of guy Ali wants. Just when I start liking him, he shows his cocky side. Meanwhile, Big Ears Ty badmouths Mouldy Kirk. He doesn’t see him with Ali.
Ali thinks the old Crazy Eyes Frank is back. Is that a good thing? I can’t figure that out.
The ads before the commercials keep asking viewers to apply to be the next Bachelor or Bachelorette. I so want to know someone on the show. So if you know me, apply already. I won’t rat on you if you already have a boyfriend or girlfriend back home. Or even a spouse. Just do it.
***
Ali and Crazy Eyes, new rug in tow, walk through an “almost magical” place for a romantic dinner. It’s a cistern, an underground reservoir for all the rainwater they’ve experienced so far. They sit on a platform in the middle of the water. Can’t wait to see a rat scurry by.
Crazy Eyes Frank wants to get down on his knee to ask someone to marry him once. The second time it’s got to be the girl who does it. He’s being very serious. Ali says the relationship with him scares her. As it should: Crazy Eyes wears a thumb ring. That’s creepy.
They kiss and Ali gives Crazy Eyes the puppydog eyes back like she’s totally and absolutely into him. She grabs the rose and tells him he blows her away. Blah. But Ali is, deep down, a big old nerd so it’s somewhat understandable. Someone had a great comment on the blog last week that she’d never choose Roberto because she sees him as too good for her. I totally see that. I think she feels she’s on equal footing with Crazy Eyes, or maybe even a bit better than him, so she can be confident he’d never leave her.
***
There will be no cocktail party this week. Why is that? There was no drama that’s still around. Six guys are left. Cape Cod Chris is wearing sneakers with his suit. Crazy Eyes Frank is looking so much more confident sitting there with that rose in his lapel. Somebody’s going home, but who?
Big Ears Ty is the other guy with the rose. I guess that means there are five other roses to hand out. But first Ali needs to talk with Chris. She tells him she’s had a connection with every guy but one so there’s no need for the party. Who’s the one guy? Ugly Craig, Mouldy Kirk, Cape Cod Chris or Roberto Clemente? I think Ugly Craig is a shoe-in. So Kirk, Chris or Roberto? Hmm. She had some sort of connection with all three of them earlier on. I honestly don’t have a clue. I’m hoping it’s Mouldy Kirk but I couldn’t tell you why. But maybe Chris since he forgot his dress shoes.
She doesn’t want to prolong the inevitable by having the guys think they need to make one last push at the party. The guys are flabbergasted there won’t be one. They’re in shock.
***
Once again, to recap, Crazy Eyes Frank and Big Ears Ty have already received roses. Three roses are left for four guys. Whoever gets sent home gets a real slap in the face since her mind was so made up that she forewent the free champagne. And the roses go to...
- Roberto Clemente, Rico Suave
- Cape Cod Chris, with his sneakers
- Mouldy Kirk
Craig is shocked. So am I.
Next up on the tour of places I want to visit is Lisbon, Portugal.
Coming up in the season: We see Ali meeting Crazy Eyes Frank’s and Roberto’s families. Thanks for the spoilers I’ve been trying to avoid all these weeks, producers. We see Ty in Tahiti, so we know he sticks around. Crazy Eyes Frank gives Ali the “We need to talk” line and Ali is a total wreck. One person we didn’t see in any of the clips was Cape Cod Chris so he’s probably a goner. And judging from all the tears, maybe she should have kept him around. That guy is solid. Well, as solid as a guy who has his mother’s autograph tattooed on his chest.
Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? Or a reasonable facsimile? See you in seven sleeps.
