Monday, Monday. The Bachelor gives us a reason to love Mondays. Or at least Monday nights. It’s exactly the type of show that if I didn’t watch, I’d hate and would have no respect for the people that did watch. But look at me. I’m a Bachelor junkie. There’s so much to hate about it, but good Lord it’s compelling.
I took a pre-game nap and woke up too late so I’m not going to basketball. So this will be the first time this season I’ll be watching along with you (unless you’re on the east coast or watch on an east coast channel). Hope everyone likes the new blog format. It’s easier this way. I can just upload my scribblings and presto, it’s there for everyone to see without waiting for your friend to forward the e-mail. And don’t forget to vote in the polls in the left panel! And leave a comment or two while you’re at it.
And awaaay we go.
It’s another two hours, broken equally into past highlights/upcoming highlights and new stuff. I wanted to pass over the upcoming highlights but I just saw stalker Shannon crying to Jason, “You can’t let me go! I have so much to offer you.” Oh, this is going to be good.
Nine girls left. When does DeAnna come back?
Chris tells us that there will be one very special 2-on-1 date. Uh, yeah, that would be special.
To get the single date, the ladies have to write and perform an original song to Jason. Classy Stephanie is showing off her girls. Wowza. Gorgeous Lauren has a good ear for music, she claims. It’ll seem like a professional song. Oh, and this just in: Uptight Nikki is... uptight. She has no idea what she’s doing. She got really emotional (period?). She’s crying because she cannot be silly, which is kinda silly in itself. It is not in her nature. She’d rather have a tarantula crawl on her arm than do this. She is just a joy, isn’t she?
Molly the golf sensation is going first. She’s singing about fast food. She gets points for being fun but my God that was awful.
Stalker Shannon is next. She’s doing a rap. She was more fun than Molly.
And Melissa was more fun than stalker Shannon.
Megan can’t sing. I can’t wait to see gorgeous Lauren's professional rendition.
Oh, here comes the diva Stephanie. Yikes. Is it live or is it Memorex? Our window just shattered.
Gorgeous Lauren was right. She’s pretty good. Nikki is looking ill. And gorgeous Lauren is looking, well, gorgeous.
Nikki says everyone has been really good. So she can’t sing and she apparently can’t hear, either. She starts singing a slow song to a child. Yes, it was awful, but there was some nasty editing as they showed the girls looking horrified at her singing. But everyone was really supportive as soon as she was done. They had every right to look horrified, but I doubt they were. And Nikki got the sympathy hug from Jason. Hope she doesn’t get the sympathy date. The winner should be gorgeous Lauren. For many reasons.
What? Molly? Gorgeous Lauren must be shocked. Turns out she is. She says she had the best song. That girl is not lacking in confidence.
Commercial time. They just showed the upcoming highlights. I forgot, this is the “I can’t” episode. Call it the DeAnna legacy. Jason at the rose ceremony won’t be able to give away the last rose. Or so we’re led to believe.
While the ads are on, have any of you read any internet stuff? There’s a rumour out there that says who the winner will be based on the very first episode’s upcoming season highlights. I won’t say who they say it is, but they’re going by moles on the arm and a pinky ring. But I thought the winner would have long nails. The thing is, the girl they say won doesn’t have long nails. So maybe the producers are just messing with us. Do you think they would do that to us?
***
We’re back. Molly’s date will be cozy. She gets to stay home with Jason at “his” place. It’s just going to be “chill”. That Jason sure is fly.
Molly has her bags packed. Do you think she’ll be back. I don’t think she should be, but given who else is in the house, she’ll be back no question.
Golfer Molly says she’s a very laid back person. They’re eating on the floor. Jason is doing the job interview on her: Where do you see yourself in the next three or four years. Guess what? She wants to share her life with someone! Who knew?
Jason says, “How could you not love Ty?” She just laughed. Good non-response.
Cute Melissa says “just thinking about a 2-on-1 is stressful.” Oh, she’s so naive.
Here’s the group date card: Vancouver’s Jillian, gorgeous Lauren, stalker Shannon, foul-mouthed Megan, cute Melissa, and bitchy Naomi. Who does that leave? Ooh, that leaves Nikki and Stephanie. Nikki doesn’t want to go up against classy Stephanie. But what is he thinking? Now he’s got to keep one of them. He can’t send them both home.
Back to the date with Molly. She’s looking cute. Who knew? She’s also sounding quite reasonable. And we see that she’s kissable, too.
He grabbed the rose. That means she’s going home.
Psyche! She’s in. Into the tent they go. Zip. Under a full moon. Oh, it’s going down, alright.
Apparently Jason lives in a tent.
Stalker Shannon is waiting up for Molly. That girl is priceless.
Now we’re hearing moans from the tent. There should be a bumper sticker on it saying “If you hear moanin’, somebody’s bonin’.”
***
We’re back. It’s a glorious morning shot of Los Angeles. And who should stroll up in the limo but Molly and Jason. They’re doing the walk of shame into the house. I cannot wait to see what stalker Shannon does!
Molly just mentioned the walk of shame! I said it first, though.
Nikki has a good question. What happened to her clothes?
Nikki and Shannon look visibly sick. Melissa doesn’t like that she smells like him.
Stalker Shannon says she knows that at the next rose ceremony she could go home. Okay, so she understands that, right? That’s a step in the right direction.
The group date. They’re off to play doctor. Gee, I wonder what will happen. Oh, yeah, they already gave it away.
They’re on the set of General Hospital! Oh. My. God. Shut. Up. Do people really watch that shit? Young people?
Jason introduces the girls to the two actors like he’s best buds with them. He’s excited because the girls can show him if they’ve got any acting skills. Because that’s important in a relationship. If it were up to me, whoever’s the best would go home. You can't trust an actor. You'd never know if those were real tears or fake tears, real orgasms or fake orgasms.
Stalker Shannon just wielded a big knife saying, “I have a crush on Jason.” Seriously.
God, that actor on the set is one homely dude.
No tongue is the rule for on-set kisses. Shannon goes first. Everyone else will taste the stalker chick.
Shannon feels a connection now. Now, Shannon? God help us if she didn’t feel a connection before.
More upcoming highlights with Shannon: “I’m not letting you let me go. You have to believe in me.” And she gives him that psycho two-finger eye-to-eye gesture. Classic.
***
Jason says it felt like they were in a real TV shoot because of the director. You see, he's just used to five cameras following him around 24/7 but without that pesky director yelling "Cut!"
Jason is smooching with ugly Naomi. Gorgeous Lauren storms in. Everyone is awful. More kissing with Naomi and all the girls have to watch. With all the takes, the two smooch about 11 times.
Lauren is a lousy actress, and that’s to her credit. She's still gorgeous.
Melissa is funny and cute. What can I say? No snarky comments from me.
Is that Vancouver’s own Jillian in the blonde wig? Yes, it is. She’s getting proposed to and now she’s smooching with Jason. Good for her. She deserves it. But that blonde wig ain't helping her any.
Oh, maybe I can snark on Melissa afterall. She’s feeling sick seeing all the girls kiss him. She does seem a little teenagerish.
Here are Nikki and Stephanie lying by the pool. Uptight Nikki is a mess. She should have married and had a kid by now, she says. Can you say “desperate”? Poor girl. That’s gonna be one sad 2-on-1 date either way.
It looks like Jason will not be getting any acting roles after this series is done. He is atrocious.
Megan just went in for the kill, kiss-wise. And Melissa is getting ridiculous. She was pretty funny early on, but now she’s getting wrapped up in it.
More upcoming highlights from stalker Shannon: “Just come home with me,” she sobs into Jason’s arms.
***
Now the group date has moved to the wrap party. Bitchy Naomi is off sitting by herself. For affect, is my guess. And Jason falls for it. He takes her away to talk. She says this is more real than she thought it was going to be. She’s, uh, emotional. Nudge nudge, wink wink. What does he see in her?
Oh, now Melissa is getting emotional. You know what they say about a group of women who live together.
Megan says everyone’s crying and upset and emotional and they should all “man up”. I think I described her earlier as a lesbian. I was being flippant at the time. Who knew?
Megan is putting things into perspective. It’s not hard, she says. They’re on a rooftop and they met Jason. Then look who cries. Man up, Megan, man up.
Stalker Shannon says she’s hanging on by a string. And that string is starting to unravel.
Gorgeous Lauren is so gorgeous it’s hard to find fault with her many, many faults. Now she’s got Jason and asked him why he kept Megan. Does he really like her? Yeah, that’s bitchy, but it’s also something that needed to be asked. Okay, her beauty is blinding me.
Now she’s telling Jason, “You need to give me the rose tonight or I’m going to be pissed.” But she said it laughing. They edited in a look of shock from Jason. What will he do? Clearly she’ll get a rose at the ceremony, but tonight? Who knows. No one stood out. Now that we’re in a commercial, I guess I should make a prediction. I’m going to say either Jillian (again) because she was neutral, or gorgeous Lauren because she’s freakin’ gorgeous.
***
He grabs Melissa, who’s balling. I could see him giving her the rose. I like her a lot. I also like her hoop earrings. Now they’re kissing.
She says she’s only been unlucky in love. How can that be? My guess is that she’s just chosen creeps. Because clearly she could have lots of guys. Maybe her boobs were too big. Guys hate that.
Stalker Shannon just peeps her head around the corner and says whenever she’s done she wants a talk with him. That was a little creepy.
Vancouver’s own Jillian has been quiet. That’s the producer’s way of letting us know she’ll be going home. That’s my call. Whenever someone is invisible, they don’t get a rose.
Jason just told the girls to suck it up. Stalker Shannon has him now. Here we go. She is tearing up saying she’s just now developed feelings for him. Bullshit, as my lovely wife just said. She is going all out. Jason is thinking, “What have I created?” He just hugs her. She had said she wanted a kiss going into this little tete-a-tete, but she ain’t getting one. She just blew her nose and he says, “Wow, you’ve proved you’re human.” I thought she proved that the other night when she was puking and bawling.
Now she’s picking her nose. She went in for the kiss and he isn’t into it. At least she knows it. She says she feels he rejected her kiss. She's right. Sometimes that happens and the girl is over the moon saying how awesome it was and what a connection they had. Stalker Shannon knows better. She says she’s not used to being rejected. Mostly because the guys fear for their lives, I bet.
Molly reads the 2-on-1 date. They’re dancing the night away. I’m sure that’s right up Nikki’s alley. She looks the type to cut up a dance floor. Classy Stephanie is excited. Uptight Nikki? Not so much.
Here comes the group date rose. To Naomi?! Are you shitting me? So she’s around for another week? Oh great.
I like gorgeous Lauren’s response after not getting the rose. She’s cool. And did I mention gorgeous?
But bitchy Naomi? I don’t get it at all.
Up next: "The most romantic date yet." Between Stephanie and Nikki? I think not.
***
Stephanie and Nikki just got their own gowns for the ball. Nikki says it's crucial she gets a rose. Who will get it? My bet is Nikki. But I’ve been wrong all night.
And off they go.
Jason’s concern with Nikki is that she stays in the box, and he doesn’t. His concern with Stephanie is that there needs to be a romantic connection there. Man, he’s in a lose-lose situation.
They’re going to learn ballroom dancing. Sounds like a blast, doesn’t it?
Nikki says she’s not the best dancer. What is she good at? Oh yeah, putting yellow stickies on everything. And here she is dancing. She’s right, she’s bad.
Stephanie is a dancer. That’s no fair. She says she has more of a connection with Jason than Nikki has. I dunno, she kinda looks like his mom.
Nikki is the personification of Eeyore. A real pessimist.
Now the girls are taking turns tapping each other on the shoulder. It’s not like they’re really connecting. They’re not even talking; just dancing.
Nikki just mentioned Stephanie’s late husband. She beat Stephanie to the punch.
Meanwhile, back at the house. Megan makes a good point. Jason might send Stephanie home to be with Sophia. That would be the “classy” way out. Someone else just mentioned that he might send them both home. Actually, that’s a very good idea.
***
Here comes major awkwardness. The rose. Someone’s going home. But first dinner and wine. Both girls have “AMAZING” qualities. The romance with Stephanie is going slower than hoped. But Nikki’s not opened up. Still, there’s a connection, he says. I’m sticking with my prediction.
Uptight Nikki has no problems with moving to Seattle because she’s on her own. Stephanie had a good answer, saying whoever she falls in love with she’d follow.
Nikki caught Jason off guard with her 11-year relationship. Now he wants to talk to her about it. She’s opening up. Okay, she’s definitely got the rose.
Now it’s Mrs. Robinson’s turn. I mean classy Stephanie. She says she’s extremely attracted to him. Boy, does he look uncomfortable.
Back at the house... Someone just said Stephanie’s gorgeous. Really? Maybe the camera isn’t flattering to her. The girls are divided on who will get the rose.
And here it comes. This is really hard for him, he says. He sees them both as two of the most AMAZING people. Steph has a heart of gold. Nikki is as sweet as can be. Everyone adores her. But he only has one rose. Wow. It’s for Stephanie. Those goddamn producers. Obviously they didn’t show us everything. Poor uptight Nikki.
He tells her she should never, ever change. Except maybe to loosen up a bit. She’s handling it very well.
This works with my nails theory on the finalist. Stephanie has those long nails.
Nikki says she never saw it coming. Huh? Rewind, please. Didn’t she say she knew she wasn’t doing well?
Stephanie continues to be classy as all get out. She empathizes with Jason’s decision rather than just gloating about being the winner. But will they kiss? Oh my GOD! They’re kissing! It’s giving me the creeps like nothing else. Seriously, I’m getting shivers up my spine. But not tingly positive ones.
***
It’s another full moon. Or at least the stock footage they’re using has a full moon.
Jason returns. He gets a standing ovation from the girls. Without the ovation.
Vancouver’s own Jillian makes an appearance. She’s a goner. Jillian says she doesn’t get cold or hot or anything. What the--?
Aw, she’s got to get a rose. Megan can’t see them together. I can.
Now he’s with Melissa. She says she notices the little things, and points out a hole in Jason’s ear. So he had an ear stud. Surprised it wasn’t in his right ear. I notice the little things, too, like her lower lip and the wrinkle in her nose when she laughs. I like them both.
Megan’s voice is rough, isn’t it? Megan just said, “OMG”. Because that’s so much quicker to say than “Oh my God”. LOL.
He’s dancing with Megan. She says she hasn’t had the puppy love feeling for years. At least with a man.
Gorgeous Lauren says she’s one of the most blunt girls in the house. She joked about giving him a slap because he doesn’t follow her directions. She's spunky. And gorgeous.
He asks her if she’s mad. If you transcribed what she said, it would seem bitchy. But she’s funny. Again, her beauty is blinding me. Now she tells him that he wants to kiss her. And so they do kiss. Of course. She’s gorgeous.
Here comes the grim reaper, Chris. He tears Jason away. Jason tells them they all blew him away. Yeah, yeah, whatever. He’s sending two of them home. So it’s prediction time. As much as I like Vancouver’s own Jillian, I think she’s gone just because she’s been invisible this episode. But if it were me it would be stalker Shannon and foul-mouthed Megan. So I’ll say Jillian and Shannon are gonzo. And if the upcoming highlights are right, maybe all three.
***
Golfer Molly, bitchy Naomi and classy Stephanie inexplicably all have roses. So they’re sticking around. Now it’s on to business!
The first rose goes to... cute Melissa! Yay!
The second rose goes to... Vancouver’s own Jillian! Yay! I’m glad I was wrong.
The third rose... what, the final rose?... it’s either foul-mouthed Megan, gorgeous Lauren or stalker Shannon... it’s gotta go to Lauren, right? Please tell me I’m right! But didn’t he say he couldn’t do it? (I’ve paused the show just for dramatic effect, in case you were wondering.) Let’s hit play and find out...
The final rose goes to... sigh... “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” DeAnna lives! “I can’t give out this final rose.”
Megan is AMAZING. Lauren is more honest and real than anyone he’s ever met. Shannon is just a beautiful person. But he can’t lead anybody on. And he just doesn’t see it forever. Megan is pissed. Lauren looks bemused. I’m starting a petition to have gorgeous Lauren be the next Bachelorette.
Gorgeous Lauren doesn’t think it’s fair he changed the rules. She’s choking up just a little bit, the first real emotion we’ve seen from her.
What’s this? Shannon is normal... Wait a second. I take that back. When she gets home she’s going to give her dog the biggest French kisses. Uh, okay.
Megan gives a quick hug and walks away. She’s very upset. Tears are rolling down her cheek. Is she coming back in to the house? Oh, I guess not. I thought she might.
Next week: Retarded Ty... Seattle... Naomi and Jason take to the sky... Melissa’s dress is almost falling off... on the radio... and the most dramatic rose ceremony ever! Again!
Outtakes: Gorgeous Lauren singing “I wanna be famous”. Did she write that? Either way, she got her 15 minutes. I’m glad I was there for them. Because she’s rather attractive.
See you next week.
Monday, January 26, 2009
The Bachelor, episode 3
Here we are at week 3 of our favourite reality series. Is everyone enjoying it? How does it rank on your all-time Bachelor list? I’m liking it.
If any of you have different opinions on the gals or Jason, add them to the comments section. I’m all ears. Or eyes, in this case.
So here we go. How long is the episode this week anyway? Two hours?! Again? Okay, I love the show just as much as the next girl, but good lord! Is this necessary? If they didn’t have so many goddamn highlights and reviews of past episodes, they could trim these puppies down to an hour easy. Oh well, I’m in it for the long haul. Here we go.
We’re rehashing the dates with Vancouver’s own Jillian and Dallas’s own Melissa.
If you watched the bikini parade as I did in pause mode, you’d have noticed that gorgeous Lauren has a little tattoo just above her bikini line in front. Well, the part we can see is little. Who knows what labrynthian monstrosity awaits Jason once he gets those bikini bottoms off.
Now here are the upcoming highlights. Can’t we just watch the show?
Chris is reminding the ladies that they need to have their bags packed if they go on a one-on-one date. And that not everyone gets to go on a date.
Lauren reads the note and it says Stephanie gets a date. Surprise! Any goldfish watching, or anyone with short-term memory problems, would have had no idea. (Damn upcoming highlights. Ruins all surprises.)
Stephanie, who you’ll recall I made a lot of fun of early on but who won me over with her -- dare I say it? -- heart and goodness, is all excited. If I were The Bachelor, I’d take the girls I didn’t like as much on the one-on-one just so they could get sent home.
Now Megan is pouting that she didn’t get a one-on-one. I don’t get it. Yes, it can be bonding, but it could also mean bye-bye.
Megan is another one who I didn’t like at first but who’s growing on me, even though her job is dubious. Lacrosse coach?
Stephanie’s on her way to her date. She just revealed a secret: Turns out that three-and-a-half years ago, her husband was in a plane crash.
It’s her daughter’s birthday today. Gee, it’s a shame she doesn’t get to see her on her birthday. I wonder if the show will do anything special for her. (Damn upcoming highlights. Ruins all surprises.)
She’s leaving a message for her daughter. Oh my God, is that how she talks to her? I’m hoping she’s just putting that on for the cameras.
She thinks her husband would be smiling down on this whole situation. Hmm... probably not, I’m guessing. Maybe smiling that he’s in heaven.
I wonder how tall Jason is. He’s about the same size as Stephanie. Is she a giant or is he a midget?
Jason is holding her hands on the beach. My bet is that they don’t kiss, except on the cheek with a hug.
He just pretty much admitted as much. He said how awesome it was seeing her with her daughter and how she deserves the best, etc. Then he said that no matter what happens, Stephanie will always have this. In other words, he’s sending her home.
***
The date with Sophia... er, I mean Stephanie, continues. They’re in Legoland. Never heard of it. Hey look, there are animals made of Lego. Hope that roller coaster isn’t made of Lego.
I caught one! He said that Sophia is a ridiculously AMAZING kid. That’s one amazing. He said she reminds him of his retarded son. They’re two kids that love life a lot, love toys, love trying new things. Yeah, they must be amazing. Because most 4-year-olds are morose and not full of curiosity at all.
He’s trying to set up his son now, saying Ty and Sophia would be great together.
Oh, Stephanie, honey, if you really want to prove you’re over your deceased husband, you’ve got to stop talking about him. She just said, “Jason really reminded me of my deceased husband.”
I just got a look at Stephanie’s fingernails and they look like the ones in the tease in episode 1 where he’s proposing. But that couldn’t be, could it? I mean, she’s a good person and all, but I just don’t see it happening.
Back at the villa, Naomi is reading about the next group date. Well, we already know it’s the topless group date. So he’s picking the women with the nicest racks. It’s stalker Shannon, bitchy flight attendant Naomi, cute and fun Melissa, Kari from Kansas (is she still in it?), Vancouver’s own Jillian, big-chested and virginal Nikki who takes kissing seriously, chunky Erica, and everyone’s favourite lacrosse coach, Megan.
Back at Legoland, we see Jason grab a rose. It’s a fake rose. Oh, psyche! It’s for Stephanie. But I called it. She got just a peck on the cheek and a hug. Of course, Sophia was there so he had an excuse.
Jason says, “It would be AMAZING to be with somebody who’s like Stephanie for the rest of my life.” Not Stephanie, understand. Just someone “like” Stephanie.
Look at all those rings on Stephanie. That’s too much.
As they’re waving goodbye to little Sophia, Jason has the real rose behind his back. But the producers obviously thought we didn’t need to see him give it to her. We need more time with the topless chicks. And I can’t say I blame them. Commercial time.
***
They’re all off now to their sexy date of making busts of their busts. My prediction is that uptight Nikki might not be into baring all (or both, as the case may be).
Dull Natalie, gorgeous Lauren and high school golf sensation Molly are left at home.
They’re going to make casts of their busts, but it’s for a great cause. No, really. It is. C’mon, he doesn’t just want to see their tits, he really wants to help out.
Stalker Shannon says she loves to stare at him. She’s a little creepy. I can’t wait to see her reaction when she’s finally sent home, whenever that will be.
Nikki just looks horrified as she watches. Oh, but she raises her hand to volunteer. So I was wrong.
There’s Vancouver Jillian. Where did her chest go? I love her quote. She says, “I have no problem being naked or anything like that... for a greater cause.” How often does that happen where you need to take it all off for charity?
I really like Melissa. She’s fun. She said she was having a good boob day.
Kari is saying how noble it is that Jason is actively involved in charity and wants to give to the community. Uh-huh. Right.
Okay, Megan just went down a notch again. She said half of the girls don’t understand her depth. Wasn’t she just talking about painting a “fetus” on the cast because that where they feed? Fetuses feed on boobs? Really? Man, she is deep.
All the girls were great today, says Jason. “Doing something so AMAZING for breast cancer is fantastic.”
One rose for eight girls. Who will it be. Why is his shirt off throughout the whole thing?
Upcoming highlight time. Nikki admits that she’s a control freak and a perfectionist. Bye bye, Nikki.
***
Here comes the rose. He’s talking to cute Melissa. She says she had breast reduction surgery when she was 17 and says they were hanging down by her waist. Nice visual. Thanks for sharing, Mel.
Stalker Shannon says she feels awkward with never knowing what to say. A lot of the girls there she says are good “conversationists”. Too funny. In one word she proves her very point.
Now Megan is talking to Jason. She’s intense. Jason says she was a little quiet earlier. She says she lives her life to serve other people. It’s been strange for her to have gone a week or ten days without someone praising God that she’s in their life. Wow. She sure is doing the hard sell. Hey, Meg, don’t drop your pants too early (as an old boss once told me when I was a salesman for a few months).
Chunky Erica’s on the juice again. She says, “As I’m sure we can all agree I probably would make a better fit for him than Megan.” All in favour, say ‘aye’. Not only is she a drunk and chunky, but I find her quite homely, too.
I just figured out who Nikki looks like. She looks like the girl on Just Shoot Me.
Now it’s her turn with Jason. Boo! More dishonesty from the producers. That bit about her being a control freak and a perfectionist just flew right by when we saw it in context. There was no strange look from Jason. But wait! The awkward train just pulled into the station. She’s telling him she loved the tit fest. She loved it, she loved it, she loved it, and he just sat there with nothing to say. Now she’s beating herself up about it, saying that everything she does is so calculated and she doesn’t know how to be spontaneous. She’s opening up here. She’s always trying to be perfect and she’s trying too, too hard and it’s not working. I love it when they show their vulnerability.
Which one of the three gets the one-on-one date? Natalie, Lauren or Molly? Well, if my theory is right, that you take the one you’re least interested in, I’d take Natalie.
I called it! I’m good. Oh wait, I completely forgot they showed us highlights earlier on. Trust me, I didn’t remember.
Natalie is a big zero in my book. I wonder if I’ll change my opinion on the date.
Vancouver’s own Jillian is jumping on the bed with Jason. She’s vying for that rose. This is the second time she’s said she’s comfortable in her own skin, whatever that means. Maybe it means she doesn’t have any rashes.
Naomi has lopsided boobs. Hey, she said it. And yes, you can definitely see it in the final product.
Ha! Megan just said exactly what I was thinking: “Shannon is weird.”
Oh, there’s the rose! My call: Vancouver’s own Jillian. Drum roll please...
Yes! How good am I? I mean, seriously!
Nikki is in a bad way. Being pretty and being smart are not enough, she says. You have to be funny and you have to be natural. And pretty would help, too sweetheart.
Jason toasts: And here’s to your bodacious ta-tas... er, I mean raising a lot of money for breast cancer awareness.
***
Stalker Shannon says Natalie is materialistic and insecure and that she’ll probaby go home. That’s my bet, too. I’m hoping, anyway.
Who’s the goombah who brings in the diamond necklace? A million dollar necklace? That can’t be. In this economy? I’m guessing she doesn’t get to keep it. Even with the bling, Natalie does nothing for me.
They’re jetting off to Las Vegas.
The girls back at the house are talking. They’re not particularly fond of Natalie, it seems.
Now they’re on a helicopter. Natalie can’t believe it. Because we’ve never seen a helicopter ride on any other season of The Bachelor. That was totally unexpected.
***
Natalie and Jason are in the limo. Where’s her hand? It’s betwixt his thighs, methinks.
He really thinks she’s hot. I don’t see it. She’s blonde and if you glance really quickly at her, you might think she’s hot. But not longer.
This is funny. He says, in a voice-over, that he really looks forward to digging beneath the surface and finding that deeper side of Natalie. And he hit paydirt. Here’s the deeper side: she’s always been the cute, sporty girl who loves clothes. But wait, there’s more. She loves bears. Not just koalas. All bears. She ventured off and said how she was depressed a lot as a kid. Then she forgot what they were talking about. And yet... and yet, Jason says that conversations with Natalie are good. But he wishes they were better.
Natalie doesn’t want to be stereotyped because she has blonde hair. Uh, honey, I see the black roots.
He’s not sure if he’s going to give her the rose. She’s an AMAZING girl, but he wants there to be more.
Some of the girls back home think she’s coming home. I don’t. I think she’s going home.
Natalie says if she didn’t get the rose, she’d be very surprised. Surprise!
She’s a dumb one, that Natalie. She loved being in the helicopter and seeing all those things created by nature. You know, like the Hoover Dam. Although I think that was a case of nasty editing.
Wow, Jason gave a toast saying Here’s to one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. If he sends her home, I won’t respect him. By which I mean I’ll respect him even less than I already do. If you’re thinking you might not give her the rose, you can’t lead her on by saying such a thing.
They’ve got another live band. What no-name band will it be? Kate Vogel. I’ll have to Google her. Never heard of her.
There’s been no kissing. Jason ain’t feeling it. This will be awkward.
He picks up the rose, though. Why do that if he’s not going to give it to her? That’s like DeAnna letting him get down on one knee. Maybe it’s payback time and he’s taking it out on all women.
Natalie is pissed. She just gave him the “whatever”. Classic!
“Oh my God they’re taking her bags!” All the girls back at the house shriek. They love it.
Now Natalie is rightfully giving Jason shit for picking up the rose. And then they take the jewels off her.
Nikki is ecstatic that Natalie is gone.
Now Natalie says Jason is an idiot. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. How true. But she says she’s not mad because she’s got a lot going on. “I’m super attractive,” she says. She’s hilarious! “You don’t feel a connection with me? Like, who do you think you are? God?” That’s right, the only person who wouldn’t be attracted to her is the Supreme Being. She just said, and I could read it over the blurred mouth and the beep, “Fuck you, asshole.”
Up next, stalker Shannon breaks down. Yeah, that’ll help her.
***
Stalker Shannon seems to not like the fact that virginal Nikki, chunky Erica and moody Megan are dancing over Natalie being sent home. She’s starting to crack. This should be good!
Gorgeous Lauren was also disgusted by the display. She thinks some of the girls had bad intentions and she hopes Jason sees this. I’m not so sure they’re bad intentions. They didn’t like her. Simple as that. Plus they want Jason and that increases their chances slightly. I think Lauren is just playing the virtuous good-girl character because she thinks it’ll work. Doesn’t she realize she just has to sit there and look stunning?
Jason has a question for bitchy flight attendant Naomi. He’s digging for info. She’s not really giving any, though. Except the fact that she’s only been with one other person in her life. I find that very hard to believe. I mean, I know she’s only 24 but she gives off an entirely different vibe. A slutty vibe, if you will. I’d believe it from Nikki, not Naomi.
Now he’s necking with Naomi and tells her she’s wonderful.
Naomi’s back at the couch and someone says she’s missing some lip gloss. Nikki does not look pleased at all. And Naomi is showing off that trampy shoulder tattoo.
Nikki’s goal tonight is to show Jason her fun side and be a little bit more sexy. We’ll see about that. She’ll have to pull that stick from outta her ass.
The camera just did that fake pan down to her hands but with the intention of showing her ample cleavage. But I did get a look at her nails and they could be the nails of the eventual winner. Boy, that would be surprising.
Jason says his organizational skills are not one of his strengths. Nikki says that’s what girls are for. Amen to that, sister!
Now they’re in full lip-lock. Now she feels very confidant she’ll be getting a rose.
Vancouver’s own hot dog lady, Jillian, is a breath of fresh air. She’s humble. Or at least playing humble, saying she was shocked she got that last rose.
Chunky Erica is talking to him now. I honestly can’t see how she got this far.
Jason comes to get Kari from Kansas. I think that’s her. We see so little of her. Now Jason is fishing again for dirt on the girls. But they just kiss. He’s having a fun night, isn’t he? I hope he catches herpes simplex.
Stalker Shannon is a mess. She feels like she is going to throw up.
***
Sweet naive southern lady (formerly widowed catwoman) Stephanie asks if stalker Shannon drank too much, but the girls think it’s just stress. Let’s see just how weird she is with Jason.
Stalker Shannon is whining about being the only person who hasn’t got to talk to Jason. (I should point out that she’s in the running for the final rose because I just got a look at her fingernails and they’re a match.)
She’s saying that last season when she saw him with DeAnna she wanted to jump through the TV set. She cried, she said. Well-balanced young lady.
She apologizes and says she’s just emotional all the way around. Now I know my readership is all female, but isn’t that just code for her period? C’mon, ladies! Know your body!
In between all her blathering she reminds him that she’s so ready to be a mother. An emotional wreck of a mother, but a mother nonetheless.
Oh, I forgot that southern Stephanie already has a rose. So why is he even talking to her?
She says she needs to get connected to Jason on a romantic level. I don’t like the sounds of this. So when he tells her how great it was seeing her with her daughter, she gives him her version of a sexy face. Yikes, that’s scary. She kinda looks like Dr. Renee Richards, the transgendered former tennis pro. (Google him/her.)
She’s taking it to a new level by getting him to close his eyes then giving him pecks on the cheek. Not sure what level that is, but apparently it’s a new one. She’s thanking him and you can just see it in his eyes him saying, “No, please God, do not come in for the big kiss. Please.” Sheer panic. She goes in anyway and he couldn’t have been more tense. It was one quick kiss then he turns it into a hug. I wonder if she could feel the shivers down his spine. Shivers of revulsion.
Oh, poor Steph. She says she’s starting to love again. Poor dear.
Gorgeous Lauren is about to rat out the gals. She says she doesn’t see Jason with the two drama queens of the house, foul-mouthed Megan and chunky Erica.
We got a shot of Megan sitting there, but where is she? How can she hear Lauren when I played it back twice and still didn’t catch everything Lauren said, she was speaking so quietly and quickly.
This is funny: Stalker Shannon just said that foul-mouthed Megan was acting weird. That’s rich.
Now here’s Chris. Jason is confused because of what Lauren told him. This will be his toughest rose ceremony yet.
Coming up: Man, they’re really playing up this stalker Shannon sick thing. I thought we saw that already but apparently there’s more to come.
***
Jason believes gorgeous Lauren about foul-mouthed Megan and chunky Erica, but he says he hasn’t seen any of it. My prediction is that he’ll keep Megan around just so he can suss it out some more, and send chunky Erica packing. I’m hoping, anyway.
He says all the women have AMAZING qualities but he needs to find out more. Which is why, I guess, he’s holding up individual picture frames one by one. Maybe he’ll notice something there.
And here’s the much anticipated rose ceremony. Yes!
Two will be going home. Chris asks them to speak candidly about what Jason needs to know before he makes his decision.
Gorgeous Lauren is looking over at foul-mouthed Megan and smiling. Chunky Erica looks like she was about to say something. And she does, finally. She says she’s shocked. She thought they all got along great. Uh, Chunky Erica, you seem to have forgotten that cameras have been following your every move. Roll the tape.
Virginal uptight Nikki says it was Natalie that wasn’t right for Jason, but she’s gone now. Whatever problems they’ve had in the house, they’ve worked on.
Now it’s foul-mouthed Megan’s turn. She says she was surprised that people had been talking trash about her.
Now Megan and Lauren are in full-on catfight mode. Awesome! Megan is not coming off well. I’m just waiting for her Tourette’s Syndrome to set in.
Meanwhile, stalker Shannon is looking sick. The vomit countdown is on.
Shannon walks off muttering, “I hate it here.” Then go home, weirdo. This is what it’s all about. Reality, baby!
Classy Stephanie has not said a word, nor sulked off like a jilted stalker. Good on her. Mind you, neither has Jillian or Melissa or Kari. Then again Kari is invisible. She’s still here, right?
What, a commercial?
***
I think stalker Shannon just wants some attention from the object of her desire.
I’ve got to transcribe this from foul-mouthed Megan. It’s classic: “Shannon, why can’t you just embrace why you’re here? Why can’t you just have fun? But instead she’s like, ‘This sucks. This is so hard.’ That’s all I hear out of her fucking mouth. And I’m like, ‘You know what? You ungrateful, selfish, self-absorbed, high-maintenance piece of shit.” Although in her defense, I’m pretty sure she didn’t say shit. I think that might have been a bleep on something else that maybe didn’t need bleeping. Her mouth didn’t seem to be saying ‘shit’. What else could it have been, though? Maybe ‘crap’. It looked like it ended in a ‘d’. Piece of crud? Do people say that?
Okay, stalker Shannon is back. This would be too good if he didn’t give her a rose. Can you imagine the barf scene? It would be glorious if she just barfed all over everyone’s pretty dresses. Carnage.
Chris just thanked the ladies for being open and honest and said he hoped it helped Jason with his decision. I’m guessing not so much.
First rose goes to... Molly the high school golf sensation. I forgot she was even there. Maybe he’s going to choose all the ones who weren’t drama queens. If so, Kari’s got to be next.
Second rose goes to gorgeous Lauren! Hooray! That means chunky Erica or foul-mouthed Megan are toast. Maybe even both.
Third rose goes to the formerly big-boobed and currently terminally cute Melissa.
Fourth rose goes to... Naomi??? What on earth does he see in that lopsided bi-atch? Did I mention she looks like Rosie Perez? And that’s not a good thing? At least she doesn’t sound like her. That’s about her only positive.
Fifth rose goes to... vomit breath, Stalker Shannon. Floss, baby, floss.
Sixth rose goes to the currently big boobed and formerly uptight Nikki.
One rose left? Who’s it gonna be? Who’s left? Megan and Erica and Kari? It’s gotta be Kari, right? Unless the producers have told him he’s got to keep one of the drama queens for ratings, in which case it’s Megan.
Seventh rose goes to... Megan. I called it. Why would he do that, when he knows that Lauren and her hate each other?
Erica looks even uglier when she’s upset. Kari’s classy. She’s too normal for this group. She’s leaving gracefully.
Oh, chunky Erica was all smiles when she hugged him goodbye. Good on her. Although talking to the camera she calls out Megan. Wasn’t Erica the one saying everything was good in the house?
Next week:
A singing competition... Molly goes camping...General Hospital... Melissa getting emotional... stalker Shannon saying “I can’t let you go” (man, it’s his own fault for not seeing the warning signs earlier)...
And they show Jason saying he can’t give out the final rose. Why would they ruin it for us? Brutal. Damn upcoming highlights. Ruins all surprises.
That’s it. Again, sorry I’m late. Pass this on to whoever you want. The more the merrier. But check this out. I found a Bachelor blog that actually posts right after the show. It’s pretty funny and well-written. And I notice she and I have the same opinions on a lot of the girls. But I guess we’re all just sheep to the producers. They tell us how to think. Anyway, check out this blog and maybe you won’t need me anymore: http://www.beloblog.com/KVUE_Blogs/bachelorblog
If any of you have different opinions on the gals or Jason, add them to the comments section. I’m all ears. Or eyes, in this case.
So here we go. How long is the episode this week anyway? Two hours?! Again? Okay, I love the show just as much as the next girl, but good lord! Is this necessary? If they didn’t have so many goddamn highlights and reviews of past episodes, they could trim these puppies down to an hour easy. Oh well, I’m in it for the long haul. Here we go.
We’re rehashing the dates with Vancouver’s own Jillian and Dallas’s own Melissa.
If you watched the bikini parade as I did in pause mode, you’d have noticed that gorgeous Lauren has a little tattoo just above her bikini line in front. Well, the part we can see is little. Who knows what labrynthian monstrosity awaits Jason once he gets those bikini bottoms off.
Now here are the upcoming highlights. Can’t we just watch the show?
Chris is reminding the ladies that they need to have their bags packed if they go on a one-on-one date. And that not everyone gets to go on a date.
Lauren reads the note and it says Stephanie gets a date. Surprise! Any goldfish watching, or anyone with short-term memory problems, would have had no idea. (Damn upcoming highlights. Ruins all surprises.)
Stephanie, who you’ll recall I made a lot of fun of early on but who won me over with her -- dare I say it? -- heart and goodness, is all excited. If I were The Bachelor, I’d take the girls I didn’t like as much on the one-on-one just so they could get sent home.
Now Megan is pouting that she didn’t get a one-on-one. I don’t get it. Yes, it can be bonding, but it could also mean bye-bye.
Megan is another one who I didn’t like at first but who’s growing on me, even though her job is dubious. Lacrosse coach?
Stephanie’s on her way to her date. She just revealed a secret: Turns out that three-and-a-half years ago, her husband was in a plane crash.
It’s her daughter’s birthday today. Gee, it’s a shame she doesn’t get to see her on her birthday. I wonder if the show will do anything special for her. (Damn upcoming highlights. Ruins all surprises.)
She’s leaving a message for her daughter. Oh my God, is that how she talks to her? I’m hoping she’s just putting that on for the cameras.
She thinks her husband would be smiling down on this whole situation. Hmm... probably not, I’m guessing. Maybe smiling that he’s in heaven.
I wonder how tall Jason is. He’s about the same size as Stephanie. Is she a giant or is he a midget?
Jason is holding her hands on the beach. My bet is that they don’t kiss, except on the cheek with a hug.
He just pretty much admitted as much. He said how awesome it was seeing her with her daughter and how she deserves the best, etc. Then he said that no matter what happens, Stephanie will always have this. In other words, he’s sending her home.
***
The date with Sophia... er, I mean Stephanie, continues. They’re in Legoland. Never heard of it. Hey look, there are animals made of Lego. Hope that roller coaster isn’t made of Lego.
I caught one! He said that Sophia is a ridiculously AMAZING kid. That’s one amazing. He said she reminds him of his retarded son. They’re two kids that love life a lot, love toys, love trying new things. Yeah, they must be amazing. Because most 4-year-olds are morose and not full of curiosity at all.
He’s trying to set up his son now, saying Ty and Sophia would be great together.
Oh, Stephanie, honey, if you really want to prove you’re over your deceased husband, you’ve got to stop talking about him. She just said, “Jason really reminded me of my deceased husband.”
I just got a look at Stephanie’s fingernails and they look like the ones in the tease in episode 1 where he’s proposing. But that couldn’t be, could it? I mean, she’s a good person and all, but I just don’t see it happening.
Back at the villa, Naomi is reading about the next group date. Well, we already know it’s the topless group date. So he’s picking the women with the nicest racks. It’s stalker Shannon, bitchy flight attendant Naomi, cute and fun Melissa, Kari from Kansas (is she still in it?), Vancouver’s own Jillian, big-chested and virginal Nikki who takes kissing seriously, chunky Erica, and everyone’s favourite lacrosse coach, Megan.
Back at Legoland, we see Jason grab a rose. It’s a fake rose. Oh, psyche! It’s for Stephanie. But I called it. She got just a peck on the cheek and a hug. Of course, Sophia was there so he had an excuse.
Jason says, “It would be AMAZING to be with somebody who’s like Stephanie for the rest of my life.” Not Stephanie, understand. Just someone “like” Stephanie.
Look at all those rings on Stephanie. That’s too much.
As they’re waving goodbye to little Sophia, Jason has the real rose behind his back. But the producers obviously thought we didn’t need to see him give it to her. We need more time with the topless chicks. And I can’t say I blame them. Commercial time.
***
They’re all off now to their sexy date of making busts of their busts. My prediction is that uptight Nikki might not be into baring all (or both, as the case may be).
Dull Natalie, gorgeous Lauren and high school golf sensation Molly are left at home.
They’re going to make casts of their busts, but it’s for a great cause. No, really. It is. C’mon, he doesn’t just want to see their tits, he really wants to help out.
Stalker Shannon says she loves to stare at him. She’s a little creepy. I can’t wait to see her reaction when she’s finally sent home, whenever that will be.
Nikki just looks horrified as she watches. Oh, but she raises her hand to volunteer. So I was wrong.
There’s Vancouver Jillian. Where did her chest go? I love her quote. She says, “I have no problem being naked or anything like that... for a greater cause.” How often does that happen where you need to take it all off for charity?
I really like Melissa. She’s fun. She said she was having a good boob day.
Kari is saying how noble it is that Jason is actively involved in charity and wants to give to the community. Uh-huh. Right.
Okay, Megan just went down a notch again. She said half of the girls don’t understand her depth. Wasn’t she just talking about painting a “fetus” on the cast because that where they feed? Fetuses feed on boobs? Really? Man, she is deep.
All the girls were great today, says Jason. “Doing something so AMAZING for breast cancer is fantastic.”
One rose for eight girls. Who will it be. Why is his shirt off throughout the whole thing?
Upcoming highlight time. Nikki admits that she’s a control freak and a perfectionist. Bye bye, Nikki.
***
Here comes the rose. He’s talking to cute Melissa. She says she had breast reduction surgery when she was 17 and says they were hanging down by her waist. Nice visual. Thanks for sharing, Mel.
Stalker Shannon says she feels awkward with never knowing what to say. A lot of the girls there she says are good “conversationists”. Too funny. In one word she proves her very point.
Now Megan is talking to Jason. She’s intense. Jason says she was a little quiet earlier. She says she lives her life to serve other people. It’s been strange for her to have gone a week or ten days without someone praising God that she’s in their life. Wow. She sure is doing the hard sell. Hey, Meg, don’t drop your pants too early (as an old boss once told me when I was a salesman for a few months).
Chunky Erica’s on the juice again. She says, “As I’m sure we can all agree I probably would make a better fit for him than Megan.” All in favour, say ‘aye’. Not only is she a drunk and chunky, but I find her quite homely, too.
I just figured out who Nikki looks like. She looks like the girl on Just Shoot Me.
Now it’s her turn with Jason. Boo! More dishonesty from the producers. That bit about her being a control freak and a perfectionist just flew right by when we saw it in context. There was no strange look from Jason. But wait! The awkward train just pulled into the station. She’s telling him she loved the tit fest. She loved it, she loved it, she loved it, and he just sat there with nothing to say. Now she’s beating herself up about it, saying that everything she does is so calculated and she doesn’t know how to be spontaneous. She’s opening up here. She’s always trying to be perfect and she’s trying too, too hard and it’s not working. I love it when they show their vulnerability.
Which one of the three gets the one-on-one date? Natalie, Lauren or Molly? Well, if my theory is right, that you take the one you’re least interested in, I’d take Natalie.
I called it! I’m good. Oh wait, I completely forgot they showed us highlights earlier on. Trust me, I didn’t remember.
Natalie is a big zero in my book. I wonder if I’ll change my opinion on the date.
Vancouver’s own Jillian is jumping on the bed with Jason. She’s vying for that rose. This is the second time she’s said she’s comfortable in her own skin, whatever that means. Maybe it means she doesn’t have any rashes.
Naomi has lopsided boobs. Hey, she said it. And yes, you can definitely see it in the final product.
Ha! Megan just said exactly what I was thinking: “Shannon is weird.”
Oh, there’s the rose! My call: Vancouver’s own Jillian. Drum roll please...
Yes! How good am I? I mean, seriously!
Nikki is in a bad way. Being pretty and being smart are not enough, she says. You have to be funny and you have to be natural. And pretty would help, too sweetheart.
Jason toasts: And here’s to your bodacious ta-tas... er, I mean raising a lot of money for breast cancer awareness.
***
Stalker Shannon says Natalie is materialistic and insecure and that she’ll probaby go home. That’s my bet, too. I’m hoping, anyway.
Who’s the goombah who brings in the diamond necklace? A million dollar necklace? That can’t be. In this economy? I’m guessing she doesn’t get to keep it. Even with the bling, Natalie does nothing for me.
They’re jetting off to Las Vegas.
The girls back at the house are talking. They’re not particularly fond of Natalie, it seems.
Now they’re on a helicopter. Natalie can’t believe it. Because we’ve never seen a helicopter ride on any other season of The Bachelor. That was totally unexpected.
***
Natalie and Jason are in the limo. Where’s her hand? It’s betwixt his thighs, methinks.
He really thinks she’s hot. I don’t see it. She’s blonde and if you glance really quickly at her, you might think she’s hot. But not longer.
This is funny. He says, in a voice-over, that he really looks forward to digging beneath the surface and finding that deeper side of Natalie. And he hit paydirt. Here’s the deeper side: she’s always been the cute, sporty girl who loves clothes. But wait, there’s more. She loves bears. Not just koalas. All bears. She ventured off and said how she was depressed a lot as a kid. Then she forgot what they were talking about. And yet... and yet, Jason says that conversations with Natalie are good. But he wishes they were better.
Natalie doesn’t want to be stereotyped because she has blonde hair. Uh, honey, I see the black roots.
He’s not sure if he’s going to give her the rose. She’s an AMAZING girl, but he wants there to be more.
Some of the girls back home think she’s coming home. I don’t. I think she’s going home.
Natalie says if she didn’t get the rose, she’d be very surprised. Surprise!
She’s a dumb one, that Natalie. She loved being in the helicopter and seeing all those things created by nature. You know, like the Hoover Dam. Although I think that was a case of nasty editing.
Wow, Jason gave a toast saying Here’s to one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. If he sends her home, I won’t respect him. By which I mean I’ll respect him even less than I already do. If you’re thinking you might not give her the rose, you can’t lead her on by saying such a thing.
They’ve got another live band. What no-name band will it be? Kate Vogel. I’ll have to Google her. Never heard of her.
There’s been no kissing. Jason ain’t feeling it. This will be awkward.
He picks up the rose, though. Why do that if he’s not going to give it to her? That’s like DeAnna letting him get down on one knee. Maybe it’s payback time and he’s taking it out on all women.
Natalie is pissed. She just gave him the “whatever”. Classic!
“Oh my God they’re taking her bags!” All the girls back at the house shriek. They love it.
Now Natalie is rightfully giving Jason shit for picking up the rose. And then they take the jewels off her.
Nikki is ecstatic that Natalie is gone.
Now Natalie says Jason is an idiot. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. How true. But she says she’s not mad because she’s got a lot going on. “I’m super attractive,” she says. She’s hilarious! “You don’t feel a connection with me? Like, who do you think you are? God?” That’s right, the only person who wouldn’t be attracted to her is the Supreme Being. She just said, and I could read it over the blurred mouth and the beep, “Fuck you, asshole.”
Up next, stalker Shannon breaks down. Yeah, that’ll help her.
***
Stalker Shannon seems to not like the fact that virginal Nikki, chunky Erica and moody Megan are dancing over Natalie being sent home. She’s starting to crack. This should be good!
Gorgeous Lauren was also disgusted by the display. She thinks some of the girls had bad intentions and she hopes Jason sees this. I’m not so sure they’re bad intentions. They didn’t like her. Simple as that. Plus they want Jason and that increases their chances slightly. I think Lauren is just playing the virtuous good-girl character because she thinks it’ll work. Doesn’t she realize she just has to sit there and look stunning?
Jason has a question for bitchy flight attendant Naomi. He’s digging for info. She’s not really giving any, though. Except the fact that she’s only been with one other person in her life. I find that very hard to believe. I mean, I know she’s only 24 but she gives off an entirely different vibe. A slutty vibe, if you will. I’d believe it from Nikki, not Naomi.
Now he’s necking with Naomi and tells her she’s wonderful.
Naomi’s back at the couch and someone says she’s missing some lip gloss. Nikki does not look pleased at all. And Naomi is showing off that trampy shoulder tattoo.
Nikki’s goal tonight is to show Jason her fun side and be a little bit more sexy. We’ll see about that. She’ll have to pull that stick from outta her ass.
The camera just did that fake pan down to her hands but with the intention of showing her ample cleavage. But I did get a look at her nails and they could be the nails of the eventual winner. Boy, that would be surprising.
Jason says his organizational skills are not one of his strengths. Nikki says that’s what girls are for. Amen to that, sister!
Now they’re in full lip-lock. Now she feels very confidant she’ll be getting a rose.
Vancouver’s own hot dog lady, Jillian, is a breath of fresh air. She’s humble. Or at least playing humble, saying she was shocked she got that last rose.
Chunky Erica is talking to him now. I honestly can’t see how she got this far.
Jason comes to get Kari from Kansas. I think that’s her. We see so little of her. Now Jason is fishing again for dirt on the girls. But they just kiss. He’s having a fun night, isn’t he? I hope he catches herpes simplex.
Stalker Shannon is a mess. She feels like she is going to throw up.
***
Sweet naive southern lady (formerly widowed catwoman) Stephanie asks if stalker Shannon drank too much, but the girls think it’s just stress. Let’s see just how weird she is with Jason.
Stalker Shannon is whining about being the only person who hasn’t got to talk to Jason. (I should point out that she’s in the running for the final rose because I just got a look at her fingernails and they’re a match.)
She’s saying that last season when she saw him with DeAnna she wanted to jump through the TV set. She cried, she said. Well-balanced young lady.
She apologizes and says she’s just emotional all the way around. Now I know my readership is all female, but isn’t that just code for her period? C’mon, ladies! Know your body!
In between all her blathering she reminds him that she’s so ready to be a mother. An emotional wreck of a mother, but a mother nonetheless.
Oh, I forgot that southern Stephanie already has a rose. So why is he even talking to her?
She says she needs to get connected to Jason on a romantic level. I don’t like the sounds of this. So when he tells her how great it was seeing her with her daughter, she gives him her version of a sexy face. Yikes, that’s scary. She kinda looks like Dr. Renee Richards, the transgendered former tennis pro. (Google him/her.)
She’s taking it to a new level by getting him to close his eyes then giving him pecks on the cheek. Not sure what level that is, but apparently it’s a new one. She’s thanking him and you can just see it in his eyes him saying, “No, please God, do not come in for the big kiss. Please.” Sheer panic. She goes in anyway and he couldn’t have been more tense. It was one quick kiss then he turns it into a hug. I wonder if she could feel the shivers down his spine. Shivers of revulsion.
Oh, poor Steph. She says she’s starting to love again. Poor dear.
Gorgeous Lauren is about to rat out the gals. She says she doesn’t see Jason with the two drama queens of the house, foul-mouthed Megan and chunky Erica.
We got a shot of Megan sitting there, but where is she? How can she hear Lauren when I played it back twice and still didn’t catch everything Lauren said, she was speaking so quietly and quickly.
This is funny: Stalker Shannon just said that foul-mouthed Megan was acting weird. That’s rich.
Now here’s Chris. Jason is confused because of what Lauren told him. This will be his toughest rose ceremony yet.
Coming up: Man, they’re really playing up this stalker Shannon sick thing. I thought we saw that already but apparently there’s more to come.
***
Jason believes gorgeous Lauren about foul-mouthed Megan and chunky Erica, but he says he hasn’t seen any of it. My prediction is that he’ll keep Megan around just so he can suss it out some more, and send chunky Erica packing. I’m hoping, anyway.
He says all the women have AMAZING qualities but he needs to find out more. Which is why, I guess, he’s holding up individual picture frames one by one. Maybe he’ll notice something there.
And here’s the much anticipated rose ceremony. Yes!
Two will be going home. Chris asks them to speak candidly about what Jason needs to know before he makes his decision.
Gorgeous Lauren is looking over at foul-mouthed Megan and smiling. Chunky Erica looks like she was about to say something. And she does, finally. She says she’s shocked. She thought they all got along great. Uh, Chunky Erica, you seem to have forgotten that cameras have been following your every move. Roll the tape.
Virginal uptight Nikki says it was Natalie that wasn’t right for Jason, but she’s gone now. Whatever problems they’ve had in the house, they’ve worked on.
Now it’s foul-mouthed Megan’s turn. She says she was surprised that people had been talking trash about her.
Now Megan and Lauren are in full-on catfight mode. Awesome! Megan is not coming off well. I’m just waiting for her Tourette’s Syndrome to set in.
Meanwhile, stalker Shannon is looking sick. The vomit countdown is on.
Shannon walks off muttering, “I hate it here.” Then go home, weirdo. This is what it’s all about. Reality, baby!
Classy Stephanie has not said a word, nor sulked off like a jilted stalker. Good on her. Mind you, neither has Jillian or Melissa or Kari. Then again Kari is invisible. She’s still here, right?
What, a commercial?
***
I think stalker Shannon just wants some attention from the object of her desire.
I’ve got to transcribe this from foul-mouthed Megan. It’s classic: “Shannon, why can’t you just embrace why you’re here? Why can’t you just have fun? But instead she’s like, ‘This sucks. This is so hard.’ That’s all I hear out of her fucking mouth. And I’m like, ‘You know what? You ungrateful, selfish, self-absorbed, high-maintenance piece of shit.” Although in her defense, I’m pretty sure she didn’t say shit. I think that might have been a bleep on something else that maybe didn’t need bleeping. Her mouth didn’t seem to be saying ‘shit’. What else could it have been, though? Maybe ‘crap’. It looked like it ended in a ‘d’. Piece of crud? Do people say that?
Okay, stalker Shannon is back. This would be too good if he didn’t give her a rose. Can you imagine the barf scene? It would be glorious if she just barfed all over everyone’s pretty dresses. Carnage.
Chris just thanked the ladies for being open and honest and said he hoped it helped Jason with his decision. I’m guessing not so much.
First rose goes to... Molly the high school golf sensation. I forgot she was even there. Maybe he’s going to choose all the ones who weren’t drama queens. If so, Kari’s got to be next.
Second rose goes to gorgeous Lauren! Hooray! That means chunky Erica or foul-mouthed Megan are toast. Maybe even both.
Third rose goes to the formerly big-boobed and currently terminally cute Melissa.
Fourth rose goes to... Naomi??? What on earth does he see in that lopsided bi-atch? Did I mention she looks like Rosie Perez? And that’s not a good thing? At least she doesn’t sound like her. That’s about her only positive.
Fifth rose goes to... vomit breath, Stalker Shannon. Floss, baby, floss.
Sixth rose goes to the currently big boobed and formerly uptight Nikki.
One rose left? Who’s it gonna be? Who’s left? Megan and Erica and Kari? It’s gotta be Kari, right? Unless the producers have told him he’s got to keep one of the drama queens for ratings, in which case it’s Megan.
Seventh rose goes to... Megan. I called it. Why would he do that, when he knows that Lauren and her hate each other?
Erica looks even uglier when she’s upset. Kari’s classy. She’s too normal for this group. She’s leaving gracefully.
Oh, chunky Erica was all smiles when she hugged him goodbye. Good on her. Although talking to the camera she calls out Megan. Wasn’t Erica the one saying everything was good in the house?
Next week:
A singing competition... Molly goes camping...General Hospital... Melissa getting emotional... stalker Shannon saying “I can’t let you go” (man, it’s his own fault for not seeing the warning signs earlier)...
And they show Jason saying he can’t give out the final rose. Why would they ruin it for us? Brutal. Damn upcoming highlights. Ruins all surprises.
That’s it. Again, sorry I’m late. Pass this on to whoever you want. The more the merrier. But check this out. I found a Bachelor blog that actually posts right after the show. It’s pretty funny and well-written. And I notice she and I have the same opinions on a lot of the girls. But I guess we’re all just sheep to the producers. They tell us how to think. Anyway, check out this blog and maybe you won’t need me anymore: http://www.beloblog.com/KVUE_Blogs/bachelorblog
The Bachelor, episode 2
Bachelor Blog version 2.0 is up and running. Sorry for the day’s delay again but I had to work. No, really. It happens on occasion. If everyone reading this would join together to pay me, I’d gladly make this priority numero uno.
There’s a way of doing a live blog where everyone can write in their snarky comments as they watch. I’d love to do that sometime when I’m free on a Monday night. Meanwhile, this’ll have to do.
So here I am watching it on Tuesday afternoon again. I know nothing about what happened. I’m going to do a running tally on the number of times Jason says “amazing” or a variation of it.
Okay, away we go.
Here are the Deanna kissing scenes and the priceless “No, I can’t” after he drops to his knee to propose. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of seeing that. If someone would put that on a loop and run it over and over again on a separate channel, I think that would be my default channel. I’d watch it all the time.
What does Jason do for a living? Do we know?
Yes, Jason, Lauren is beautiful. This just in.
Oh, one girl really stood out for Jason, and that’s Nikki. She was herself, she was beautiful, fun and outgoing. We’ll see how long that lasts. I’ve found that whoever they get us thinking is the leading contender usually isn’t.
Here’s sailor Megan, swearing her face off. I bet she brings some drama to the proceedings.
I’ve long felt that I think the Bachelor (or Bachelorette, as the case may be) doesn’t get to choose all the roses. I bet the producers set aside a certain number. So out of 15, the producers maybe get to choose 5. Because there’s no other reason he chose some of these losers.
Okay, we’re six minutes in and we’ve only seen past highlights and upcoming highlights. With all they cut out in editing, they could include lots more without all the unnecessary highlights. And now, after the commercials, we’re ten minutes in and just getting going. Yes, I’m in hard-hitting journalist mode tonight.
“Ty’s my buddy. He’s my best friend in the whole world. I’d love to keep him here the whole time but I’ve got to do what’s best for Ty. Besides, I’m going to be boning lots of babes and he’ll just get in the way.”
Ooh, he just mentioned Ty’s mom. I think that’s a first. I’d love to see her. She can tell us the dark side of Jason and why she left him.
He just hopes one of these women will be special enough to bring into Ty’s life. I told you he was retarded! Can you say “special”?
Who’s wearing the cowboy boots?
The water’s warm in the ladies’ house pool. That’s good news. Heh, heh.
Chris is telling the women the rules. Not everyone will get to go on a date every week. Just like in real life. There will be group dates and one-on-one dates. You know, just like in real life.
Jason, despite his effeminate disposition, is a horn-dogger deep down. Today he wants to just hang around the pool and have a good time. In other words, ladies, show us your goods.
He surprises them at the house. He says he wants to see them just be themselves. Perve.
Someone’s got the tramp stamp on the lower back. She’s a goer. I think it’s Nikki, his first impression gal. Now I know why.
He’s talking to Megan. She’s all sweet now. But she’s got that rough voice that tells me she likes to party. I just want her to swear in every single scene she’s in. That should be her role.
Jillian from Vancouver/Peace River is being fun. You go, girl! Sure, the hot dog theory is ridiculous and she surely can’t believe it, but at least it’s funnier than a vision board. Same difference, though.
Shannon is just creepy. She’s a little too needy, wanting to be a mother. She was meant to be here, she says. He thinks she’s amazing. I think he was just looking at her boobies.
Now that I see Nikki again, maybe that wasn’t her with the tramp stamp.
Now Jason gets another rose. Stephanie (aka the widowed Gloria Swanson) was hoping it would go to her. I’ll just go out on a limb here and say three little words: Not. A. Chance.
Ah, I think it was Melissa who was sporting ink. Which one is she? Hang on while I check last week’s notes... Ah, she’s the ex-football cheerleader from Dallas.
After ten minutes of action, we’re on to commercials.
***
Four minutes later, we’re back.
Wait a second. The rose winner gets to spend the evening with him? That’s fast, even for The Bachelor. Good thing indeed little Ty isn’t around.
Lauren’s posture is delightful. Look at her as she plays with her hair. Now she’s playing up the normal girl routine by telling him of her inner dialogue about whether or not she should stay in the awkward situation. And she’s so right because there’s no way in the world anyone would think auditioning for a reality show to find true love would be anything less than normal.
They’re holding hands. He can’t wipe that silly grin off his face. The look in her eyes says it all. She’s getting a rose. She deserves a rose. He wants to spend the night with her. Hell, I want to spend the night with her.
I’ve forgotten to count the amazings. Has he said it yet?
Naomi, the bitchy flight attendant, can’t – or doesn’t – pronounce the first T in ‘important’. She says impor’ant. That’s two strikes against her. Ooh, and there’s the shoulder tatt. That’s three and she’s outta here.
Shannon the stalker is now throwing ice cubes. I kinda hope he keeps her around for as long as possible just because I think the meltdown will be that much more pronounced when he ultimately lets her go, as, indeed, he must. And then he’ll have to go in the witness protection program, because she knows where he lives.
Stephanie the widowed catwoman licks her lips a lot. Anyone notice that? She’s ready to have one-on-one with Jason. She really is.
Natalie’s telling Jason she’d be a great wife and mother because she’s from the smallest town ever. That makes sense. If you’ll recall, last week she was the one who voted out Melissa because she didn’t think Melissa was ready to step in and mentor a child. Everyone knows Dallas is not a small town. So it’s obvious. Why can’t anyone else see that?
Stephanie is standing there with drinks for the longest time. Then she wimps out and says, “I would love to talk with you when you get done.” Now, I don’t think Stephanie is a match for Jason (or anyone, really, let’s be honest) but I’m giving her props on this one. That was a classy move. I hate all the barging in. He should give her points for that, but knowing this show he’ll say she didn’t want it bad enough. She’s a real southern lady. I take back anything bad I’ve said about her.
Jason just walked up to the table to get the rose. Inexplicably a camera happened to be inside the tent behind the rose when he walked in. That couldn’t have been planned, could it?
It’s gotta go to Lauren. That’s my call and I’m sticking with it. Natalie’s confidant, but she just might be delusional.
Oh hey, it goes to Jillian, from Vancouver! I can’t argue with that. I wonder what Lauren thinks. There she is. She says she’s a little disappointed because she’s a competitive girl who’s done pageants. She likes to win things. Hmm, you mean she’s only in this to win? I am shocked.
Natalie is upset. Is she crying? The nurturing Brazilian comforts her. It’s official: Natalie is delusional.
That was a solid seven minutes of action. Now on to commercial.
***
Another four minutes of commercials are done with. Thank God for the PVR. I didn’t see a one of them.
Jason is going off with Jillian. Lauren is now seeing the bright side of not being chosen. You see, Jillian didn’t have enough time to get ready. If that were her, she says, she would have freaked out because she wouldn’t know what to do with her hair. She would have panicked. Wow, she’s high maintenance. I never would have guessed a former pageant contestant to be high maintenance. (Her hair looks great the way it is.)
Jason thinks Jillian looked gorgeous. So there you go.
Where are they? Disney Hall? What the hell is that? He said it was world famous. Now he’s feeding her strawberries.
People view him as the nice guy, he says. I think that’s because he’s dumb.
Ooh, he arranged a private performance by Robin Thicke! No, seriously. I shit you not. Robin freakin’ Thicke! This Jason character pulls out all the stops. He knows what the ladies like. I guess David Hasselhoff wasn’t available. Or maybe it’s because Jillian’s Canadian. Will they make that connection that Robin is the son of Alan Thicke, Canadian icon?
I know I’m not exactly Mr. Romance, but if I were the Bachelor, the last thing I’d organize would involve dancing with no one else around.
Melissa gets a note. Jason wants to take their relationship to new heights. I like that Jason likes the girls with the sense of humour. Even if she has a tramp stamp.
That was only six minutes and we’re back to commercials.
***
Another four-minute commercial break.
Melissa is pissed that Jillian and Jason kissed. To her credit, she says she’s not good at dating.
Wow, a table and chairs at the beach. They’re really roughing it on that picnic.
She wants to be a teacher. I like her. She doesn’t just want to be a cheerleader.
Here’s another note at the door.
Natalie (the delusional one), chunky Erica, Naomi the bitchy flight attendant, Nikki (the first impression), gorgeous high maintenance Lauren, Kari from Kansas, Sharon (who quit her job to be there), and Molly the high school golfer are all going on a date. To Hollywood, one presumes.
Megan didn’t get a rose. Neither did Stephanie the southern lady (formerly widowed catwoman). I didn’t catch who else. Oh, Raquel the Brazilian.
A magic blimp just showed up. It predicted - accurately! - that Melissa would get a kiss. That’s just eerie.
Now they’re going up in that haunted thing. Oh the humanity!
There’s the rose sitting right there.
Again, I know I’m not Mr. Romance, but the second thing I’d never do is take a date on a blimp or helicopter ride. I’d maybe dance ahead of that.
She gets the rose! And another kiss! Aw! Good for her. I like her. But those teases going into commercial break are evil. We shouldn’t watch them.
Speaking of which, here they are.
***
The group date. Jason and eight chicks. Everyone gets an outfit. Naomi says Jason is treating them very well. He’s a good boyfriend. Oh, what a letdown it’ll be for one of these dim bulbs if she ends up the winner only to realize that Jason has nothing to do with these dates.
Natalie is in heaven shopping. She says it’s like the mothership calling her home. You know, it’s those small town values.
Sharon says she has a giddy feeling around Jason. She seems the most in control of her emotions of everyone. I can’t quite put my finger on what’s wrong with her. She seems nice and decent and good looking, but something’s not quite right. Maybe she’s the stalker. She’s got the eyes for it.
Now they’re at a swimming pool. Which explains their clothes shopping spree... Huh?
Nice vest, Jason! It matches the t-shirt perfectly! I think his shopping spree happened in a time machine.
Wait a second. Chunky Erica said her last relationship ended because of cheating. Did she say “she was 52”? It sure sounded like it. Was she in a lesbian relationship? That is so hot.
Now they’re back in their bikinis. You wonder if that’s how he chose the eight for this date, from how they looked at the first pool party?
Jason wants a beat box. Speaking of time machines...
Kari, Molly and Sharon did a synchronized swimming routine. I didn’t think Sharon could let loose like that.
Lauren says Molly’s a sleeper. Boy, is she right. She uses the cheesiest line to get a kiss from Jason. She says her talent is that she’s a good kisser, then proceeds to demonstrate. I hope she doesn’t get a rose.
Now Nikki is all pissed off at Natalie for saying she saw them kiss. Nikki, you see, takes kissing very seriously. She’s only kissed one person since she was 17, and that’s her ex-boyfriend of 11 years. Nuff said. Good bye.
Nikki is too serious. Oh my God, girl, what are you even doing there? Now she’s playing the snitch part trying to get into Jason’s head.
Naomi the bitchy stewardess comes over to kiss. And here it is. No wait! He goes for the hug and says she’s a wonderful person. Ouch! But then she asks if friends can kiss, then gloats that her kiss was longer. I want her out, too. She reminds me of Rosie Perez. That’s not a good thing.
Here comes the rose. Molly gets it. The sleeper! Naomi is shocked and is crying. Yes!
Raquel the Brazilian wants to talk to Jason since she didn’t get any dates. So they’re in the limo. She starts by saying, “Did you have enough of me already?” It sounded catty, but I’m chalking it up to a language barrier. We’ll see. I think Jason took it the wrong way. He says, “thank you for talking to me” and gives out a hug. She’s gone.
Time for a break.
***
He has to send three women home tonight and he says he’s not looking forward to it. Just once I’d love to see a Bachelor relish it. Especially with the obvious crazies. Of course, Jason is a nice guy so I can only dream.
Oh, man, he just said these 15 women are amazing! I’m sure he’s said it lots already, but I’m just not yet tuned into it. We’re at the 1:12 mark of the 2:00, so maybe I can pay better attention in these last 48 minutes (probably 30ish minus the commercials).
He’s getting to know some of the women he didn’t go on dates with. First up is chunky Erica. Nothing comes out of it.
Next up is gorgeous Lauren. She wants a two-way street. She’s putting pressure on him to show some initiative. That girl would be a handful, I’m telling you. But quite possibly worth it.
Nikki is just too much, talking about selflessness and judging all the others. And when she gets like that, she’s not nearly as attractive.
Stalker Shannon is giving him the gears suggesting he doesn’t even remember her name. She’s kind of an endearing stalker, isn’t she? She’s going on, telling him everything about his own family and can’t keep a thought going because she keeps saying, “You’re so cute!” Three times. She just said, “If it works out between you and I...” Sorry, toots, that should be “you and me”. You’re outta here. Again. The grammar police have spoken.
Oh my God, that Stephanie is as homely as she is classy. Poor dear.
Megan is holding court now. She’s asking Stephanie about her ex’s tragic plane crash. Lots of tears. I’m almost tearing up. She deserves someone. It’s going to be sad when she gets sent home, but she’ll probably have some perspective.
Who’s this? The girl with no top lip. She’s upset about something. Her grandmother’s sick. Lisa is her name. The Idaho potato girl. She’s got to leave. That makes things easier for him. I hope they still send three others home. That would be so sweet.
I see that last week I referred to Lisa as cat-faced. And I’ve also referred to Stephanie as cat-faced. I stand by both those descriptions. They look like two different cats.
Oh, stalker Shannon is so sweet. Did you hear what she just said? She said she feels sorry that Lisa’s leaving, but it’s one less person she has to worry about. What a darling stalker lady. So thoughtful. So empathetic.
Gorgeous Lauren, too, just showed her cold side, saying it’s just one less girl. She says as long as she gets a rose, she doesn’t really care. These chicks are nothing but class.
***
Megan says what I think, that she wishes three people were still going home.
Megan has a heart-to-heart with Jason. But only briefly, as he’s stolen away by a girl who already has a rose (Molly). Now Megan thinks the rest of the night is shot.
That Megan chick is tough. Vulnerable yet tough.
Chunky Erica was just saying how bad it is for someone with a rose to steal Jason away, and how it reveals the person’s character. Next we see her telling Molly, “You do what you gotta do.”
Now there’s a big tete-a-tete between chunky Erica and foul-mouthed Megan. Chunky Erica is being the unreasonable one here, Judge Guy says. Not only that but did you notice they’re pixilating her boob. That means her boob is hanging out of her dress. And that means she’s shit-faced, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow, Megan totally comes off looking good in that exchange. I did not see that one coming. She didn’t even swear. (And why does Molly need comforting, as chunky Erica was saying she was doing? Molly has a rose. Not to mention the golf swing of a 17-year-old girl.)
Chunky Erica storms off, which registers a 2.7 on the Richter scale.
Too funny. Jason tells Nikki she has “amazing” qualities (damn, I must have missed some more), just as the camera pans by her two biggest amazing qualities, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.
Nikki is doing that annoying thing where she tries to warn the Bachelor of those surrounding him who are not taking this seriously. In every season someone plays this role and it never works out for them. Don’t these girls watch the show, for crying out loud?!
Chunky Erica is slurring her words. She’s pissed. Now she says she’s really disappointed in Megan. She’s kinda acting like a teenaged kid whose mom found drugs in her bedroom, and the kid responds aggressively saying “What were you doing in my bedroom?!”
Chunky Erica is now the delusional character in this soap opera. She says she was voted second in that fake vote because she was a threat. No one has yet offered an opinion or taken a side. It seems obvious to me that chunky Erica is the nut case in this exchange. But everyone’s just sitting there watching. Dear old Stephanie looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Mind you, she looks like that anyway.
Megan looks like Jennifer Tilly.
Chris breaks up the party. Tension is high. I have a feeling this might just be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
Wow, is chunky Erica ever drunk! This is gold!
***
Jason should say that he has to send two people home but he’d really like to send more home. Then everyone who lasts another week can sweat it out all week.
Jason’s talking about some of the girls. He says Stephanie’s “amazing”. Gorgeous Lauren doesn’t seem in her skin, he says. Oh, man, I’d love to see her out of her skin. He has a lot in common with Nikki. Chris says she’s the mother figure. Chris is secretly lobbying for him to skip on her. Jason has nothing negative to say about anyone. Bo-ring!
Jason, in voice-over mode, says he’s surprised that he finds himself falling for more than one of them. Okay, so he’s the delusional one.
***
Rose ceremony time. Vancouver Jillian, cheerleader Melissa, and high school golfer Molly all have roses already.
Nine roses to be handed out. Let’s do this thing!
It’s tough. Heavy sigh. Really tough. Got it. Get on with it already.
First rose goes to... foul-mouth lacrosse lesbian Megan! Good. Chunky Erica must be pissed.
Second rose goes to... serious judgmental Nikki, the mother hen.
Third rose goes to... gorgeous, quite possibly shallow, Lauren. How could he not?
Fourth rose goes to... bitchy stewardess Naomi. Say what???
Fifth rose goes to... crowd favourite Stephanie. A pity rose? Perhaps, but she deserves it.
Sixth rose goes to... Kansas Kari. I know nothing about her.
Seventh rose goes to... delusional Natalie. She’s a nothing.
Where’s stalker Shannon? How about classy Sharon, the former teacher? Two to go!
Eighth rose goes to... stalker Shannon. There she is.
Last one. The final rose.
Ninth rose goes to... chunky Erica. Holy shit. Obviously a producer’s pick. Poor Brazilian lady. Poor Sharon, who quit her job to be on the show.
I still can’t put my finger on Sharon’s deal. She seems, on the surface, like a catch. Now we’ll never know. Can anyone help me out here?
Raquel doesn’t know why he didn’t pick her. I’m thinking it might have been the tiara.
NEXT WEEK:
Stephanie sees her kid on the beach. I’m getting all verklempt again.
The girls stripping and doing body casts. It took me about ten minutes to watch that in pause mode.
Diamonds.for Natalie. Mother hen Nikki thinks Natalie is nothing like her. Meaning what? She’s kissed more than one guy?
More drama. Stalker Shannon looks visibly ill. Should be good!
Do you guys watch to the very end when they show the outtakes? This week some of the girls were doing a little fashion show with Stephanie’s jewelry. Stephanie says, “What can I say? I love jewelry and fashion.” I guess anything to take the focus away from her face... What am I doing? I can’t talk like that about her anymore. She’s stolen my heart, that vixen!
Until next week.
There’s a way of doing a live blog where everyone can write in their snarky comments as they watch. I’d love to do that sometime when I’m free on a Monday night. Meanwhile, this’ll have to do.
So here I am watching it on Tuesday afternoon again. I know nothing about what happened. I’m going to do a running tally on the number of times Jason says “amazing” or a variation of it.
Okay, away we go.
Here are the Deanna kissing scenes and the priceless “No, I can’t” after he drops to his knee to propose. I don’t think I’ll ever get sick of seeing that. If someone would put that on a loop and run it over and over again on a separate channel, I think that would be my default channel. I’d watch it all the time.
What does Jason do for a living? Do we know?
Yes, Jason, Lauren is beautiful. This just in.
Oh, one girl really stood out for Jason, and that’s Nikki. She was herself, she was beautiful, fun and outgoing. We’ll see how long that lasts. I’ve found that whoever they get us thinking is the leading contender usually isn’t.
Here’s sailor Megan, swearing her face off. I bet she brings some drama to the proceedings.
I’ve long felt that I think the Bachelor (or Bachelorette, as the case may be) doesn’t get to choose all the roses. I bet the producers set aside a certain number. So out of 15, the producers maybe get to choose 5. Because there’s no other reason he chose some of these losers.
Okay, we’re six minutes in and we’ve only seen past highlights and upcoming highlights. With all they cut out in editing, they could include lots more without all the unnecessary highlights. And now, after the commercials, we’re ten minutes in and just getting going. Yes, I’m in hard-hitting journalist mode tonight.
“Ty’s my buddy. He’s my best friend in the whole world. I’d love to keep him here the whole time but I’ve got to do what’s best for Ty. Besides, I’m going to be boning lots of babes and he’ll just get in the way.”
Ooh, he just mentioned Ty’s mom. I think that’s a first. I’d love to see her. She can tell us the dark side of Jason and why she left him.
He just hopes one of these women will be special enough to bring into Ty’s life. I told you he was retarded! Can you say “special”?
Who’s wearing the cowboy boots?
The water’s warm in the ladies’ house pool. That’s good news. Heh, heh.
Chris is telling the women the rules. Not everyone will get to go on a date every week. Just like in real life. There will be group dates and one-on-one dates. You know, just like in real life.
Jason, despite his effeminate disposition, is a horn-dogger deep down. Today he wants to just hang around the pool and have a good time. In other words, ladies, show us your goods.
He surprises them at the house. He says he wants to see them just be themselves. Perve.
Someone’s got the tramp stamp on the lower back. She’s a goer. I think it’s Nikki, his first impression gal. Now I know why.
He’s talking to Megan. She’s all sweet now. But she’s got that rough voice that tells me she likes to party. I just want her to swear in every single scene she’s in. That should be her role.
Jillian from Vancouver/Peace River is being fun. You go, girl! Sure, the hot dog theory is ridiculous and she surely can’t believe it, but at least it’s funnier than a vision board. Same difference, though.
Shannon is just creepy. She’s a little too needy, wanting to be a mother. She was meant to be here, she says. He thinks she’s amazing. I think he was just looking at her boobies.
Now that I see Nikki again, maybe that wasn’t her with the tramp stamp.
Now Jason gets another rose. Stephanie (aka the widowed Gloria Swanson) was hoping it would go to her. I’ll just go out on a limb here and say three little words: Not. A. Chance.
Ah, I think it was Melissa who was sporting ink. Which one is she? Hang on while I check last week’s notes... Ah, she’s the ex-football cheerleader from Dallas.
After ten minutes of action, we’re on to commercials.
***
Four minutes later, we’re back.
Wait a second. The rose winner gets to spend the evening with him? That’s fast, even for The Bachelor. Good thing indeed little Ty isn’t around.
Lauren’s posture is delightful. Look at her as she plays with her hair. Now she’s playing up the normal girl routine by telling him of her inner dialogue about whether or not she should stay in the awkward situation. And she’s so right because there’s no way in the world anyone would think auditioning for a reality show to find true love would be anything less than normal.
They’re holding hands. He can’t wipe that silly grin off his face. The look in her eyes says it all. She’s getting a rose. She deserves a rose. He wants to spend the night with her. Hell, I want to spend the night with her.
I’ve forgotten to count the amazings. Has he said it yet?
Naomi, the bitchy flight attendant, can’t – or doesn’t – pronounce the first T in ‘important’. She says impor’ant. That’s two strikes against her. Ooh, and there’s the shoulder tatt. That’s three and she’s outta here.
Shannon the stalker is now throwing ice cubes. I kinda hope he keeps her around for as long as possible just because I think the meltdown will be that much more pronounced when he ultimately lets her go, as, indeed, he must. And then he’ll have to go in the witness protection program, because she knows where he lives.
Stephanie the widowed catwoman licks her lips a lot. Anyone notice that? She’s ready to have one-on-one with Jason. She really is.
Natalie’s telling Jason she’d be a great wife and mother because she’s from the smallest town ever. That makes sense. If you’ll recall, last week she was the one who voted out Melissa because she didn’t think Melissa was ready to step in and mentor a child. Everyone knows Dallas is not a small town. So it’s obvious. Why can’t anyone else see that?
Stephanie is standing there with drinks for the longest time. Then she wimps out and says, “I would love to talk with you when you get done.” Now, I don’t think Stephanie is a match for Jason (or anyone, really, let’s be honest) but I’m giving her props on this one. That was a classy move. I hate all the barging in. He should give her points for that, but knowing this show he’ll say she didn’t want it bad enough. She’s a real southern lady. I take back anything bad I’ve said about her.
Jason just walked up to the table to get the rose. Inexplicably a camera happened to be inside the tent behind the rose when he walked in. That couldn’t have been planned, could it?
It’s gotta go to Lauren. That’s my call and I’m sticking with it. Natalie’s confidant, but she just might be delusional.
Oh hey, it goes to Jillian, from Vancouver! I can’t argue with that. I wonder what Lauren thinks. There she is. She says she’s a little disappointed because she’s a competitive girl who’s done pageants. She likes to win things. Hmm, you mean she’s only in this to win? I am shocked.
Natalie is upset. Is she crying? The nurturing Brazilian comforts her. It’s official: Natalie is delusional.
That was a solid seven minutes of action. Now on to commercial.
***
Another four minutes of commercials are done with. Thank God for the PVR. I didn’t see a one of them.
Jason is going off with Jillian. Lauren is now seeing the bright side of not being chosen. You see, Jillian didn’t have enough time to get ready. If that were her, she says, she would have freaked out because she wouldn’t know what to do with her hair. She would have panicked. Wow, she’s high maintenance. I never would have guessed a former pageant contestant to be high maintenance. (Her hair looks great the way it is.)
Jason thinks Jillian looked gorgeous. So there you go.
Where are they? Disney Hall? What the hell is that? He said it was world famous. Now he’s feeding her strawberries.
People view him as the nice guy, he says. I think that’s because he’s dumb.
Ooh, he arranged a private performance by Robin Thicke! No, seriously. I shit you not. Robin freakin’ Thicke! This Jason character pulls out all the stops. He knows what the ladies like. I guess David Hasselhoff wasn’t available. Or maybe it’s because Jillian’s Canadian. Will they make that connection that Robin is the son of Alan Thicke, Canadian icon?
I know I’m not exactly Mr. Romance, but if I were the Bachelor, the last thing I’d organize would involve dancing with no one else around.
Melissa gets a note. Jason wants to take their relationship to new heights. I like that Jason likes the girls with the sense of humour. Even if she has a tramp stamp.
That was only six minutes and we’re back to commercials.
***
Another four-minute commercial break.
Melissa is pissed that Jillian and Jason kissed. To her credit, she says she’s not good at dating.
Wow, a table and chairs at the beach. They’re really roughing it on that picnic.
She wants to be a teacher. I like her. She doesn’t just want to be a cheerleader.
Here’s another note at the door.
Natalie (the delusional one), chunky Erica, Naomi the bitchy flight attendant, Nikki (the first impression), gorgeous high maintenance Lauren, Kari from Kansas, Sharon (who quit her job to be there), and Molly the high school golfer are all going on a date. To Hollywood, one presumes.
Megan didn’t get a rose. Neither did Stephanie the southern lady (formerly widowed catwoman). I didn’t catch who else. Oh, Raquel the Brazilian.
A magic blimp just showed up. It predicted - accurately! - that Melissa would get a kiss. That’s just eerie.
Now they’re going up in that haunted thing. Oh the humanity!
There’s the rose sitting right there.
Again, I know I’m not Mr. Romance, but the second thing I’d never do is take a date on a blimp or helicopter ride. I’d maybe dance ahead of that.
She gets the rose! And another kiss! Aw! Good for her. I like her. But those teases going into commercial break are evil. We shouldn’t watch them.
Speaking of which, here they are.
***
The group date. Jason and eight chicks. Everyone gets an outfit. Naomi says Jason is treating them very well. He’s a good boyfriend. Oh, what a letdown it’ll be for one of these dim bulbs if she ends up the winner only to realize that Jason has nothing to do with these dates.
Natalie is in heaven shopping. She says it’s like the mothership calling her home. You know, it’s those small town values.
Sharon says she has a giddy feeling around Jason. She seems the most in control of her emotions of everyone. I can’t quite put my finger on what’s wrong with her. She seems nice and decent and good looking, but something’s not quite right. Maybe she’s the stalker. She’s got the eyes for it.
Now they’re at a swimming pool. Which explains their clothes shopping spree... Huh?
Nice vest, Jason! It matches the t-shirt perfectly! I think his shopping spree happened in a time machine.
Wait a second. Chunky Erica said her last relationship ended because of cheating. Did she say “she was 52”? It sure sounded like it. Was she in a lesbian relationship? That is so hot.
Now they’re back in their bikinis. You wonder if that’s how he chose the eight for this date, from how they looked at the first pool party?
Jason wants a beat box. Speaking of time machines...
Kari, Molly and Sharon did a synchronized swimming routine. I didn’t think Sharon could let loose like that.
Lauren says Molly’s a sleeper. Boy, is she right. She uses the cheesiest line to get a kiss from Jason. She says her talent is that she’s a good kisser, then proceeds to demonstrate. I hope she doesn’t get a rose.
Now Nikki is all pissed off at Natalie for saying she saw them kiss. Nikki, you see, takes kissing very seriously. She’s only kissed one person since she was 17, and that’s her ex-boyfriend of 11 years. Nuff said. Good bye.
Nikki is too serious. Oh my God, girl, what are you even doing there? Now she’s playing the snitch part trying to get into Jason’s head.
Naomi the bitchy stewardess comes over to kiss. And here it is. No wait! He goes for the hug and says she’s a wonderful person. Ouch! But then she asks if friends can kiss, then gloats that her kiss was longer. I want her out, too. She reminds me of Rosie Perez. That’s not a good thing.
Here comes the rose. Molly gets it. The sleeper! Naomi is shocked and is crying. Yes!
Raquel the Brazilian wants to talk to Jason since she didn’t get any dates. So they’re in the limo. She starts by saying, “Did you have enough of me already?” It sounded catty, but I’m chalking it up to a language barrier. We’ll see. I think Jason took it the wrong way. He says, “thank you for talking to me” and gives out a hug. She’s gone.
Time for a break.
***
He has to send three women home tonight and he says he’s not looking forward to it. Just once I’d love to see a Bachelor relish it. Especially with the obvious crazies. Of course, Jason is a nice guy so I can only dream.
Oh, man, he just said these 15 women are amazing! I’m sure he’s said it lots already, but I’m just not yet tuned into it. We’re at the 1:12 mark of the 2:00, so maybe I can pay better attention in these last 48 minutes (probably 30ish minus the commercials).
He’s getting to know some of the women he didn’t go on dates with. First up is chunky Erica. Nothing comes out of it.
Next up is gorgeous Lauren. She wants a two-way street. She’s putting pressure on him to show some initiative. That girl would be a handful, I’m telling you. But quite possibly worth it.
Nikki is just too much, talking about selflessness and judging all the others. And when she gets like that, she’s not nearly as attractive.
Stalker Shannon is giving him the gears suggesting he doesn’t even remember her name. She’s kind of an endearing stalker, isn’t she? She’s going on, telling him everything about his own family and can’t keep a thought going because she keeps saying, “You’re so cute!” Three times. She just said, “If it works out between you and I...” Sorry, toots, that should be “you and me”. You’re outta here. Again. The grammar police have spoken.
Oh my God, that Stephanie is as homely as she is classy. Poor dear.
Megan is holding court now. She’s asking Stephanie about her ex’s tragic plane crash. Lots of tears. I’m almost tearing up. She deserves someone. It’s going to be sad when she gets sent home, but she’ll probably have some perspective.
Who’s this? The girl with no top lip. She’s upset about something. Her grandmother’s sick. Lisa is her name. The Idaho potato girl. She’s got to leave. That makes things easier for him. I hope they still send three others home. That would be so sweet.
I see that last week I referred to Lisa as cat-faced. And I’ve also referred to Stephanie as cat-faced. I stand by both those descriptions. They look like two different cats.
Oh, stalker Shannon is so sweet. Did you hear what she just said? She said she feels sorry that Lisa’s leaving, but it’s one less person she has to worry about. What a darling stalker lady. So thoughtful. So empathetic.
Gorgeous Lauren, too, just showed her cold side, saying it’s just one less girl. She says as long as she gets a rose, she doesn’t really care. These chicks are nothing but class.
***
Megan says what I think, that she wishes three people were still going home.
Megan has a heart-to-heart with Jason. But only briefly, as he’s stolen away by a girl who already has a rose (Molly). Now Megan thinks the rest of the night is shot.
That Megan chick is tough. Vulnerable yet tough.
Chunky Erica was just saying how bad it is for someone with a rose to steal Jason away, and how it reveals the person’s character. Next we see her telling Molly, “You do what you gotta do.”
Now there’s a big tete-a-tete between chunky Erica and foul-mouthed Megan. Chunky Erica is being the unreasonable one here, Judge Guy says. Not only that but did you notice they’re pixilating her boob. That means her boob is hanging out of her dress. And that means she’s shit-faced, ladies and gentlemen.
Wow, Megan totally comes off looking good in that exchange. I did not see that one coming. She didn’t even swear. (And why does Molly need comforting, as chunky Erica was saying she was doing? Molly has a rose. Not to mention the golf swing of a 17-year-old girl.)
Chunky Erica storms off, which registers a 2.7 on the Richter scale.
Too funny. Jason tells Nikki she has “amazing” qualities (damn, I must have missed some more), just as the camera pans by her two biggest amazing qualities, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.
Nikki is doing that annoying thing where she tries to warn the Bachelor of those surrounding him who are not taking this seriously. In every season someone plays this role and it never works out for them. Don’t these girls watch the show, for crying out loud?!
Chunky Erica is slurring her words. She’s pissed. Now she says she’s really disappointed in Megan. She’s kinda acting like a teenaged kid whose mom found drugs in her bedroom, and the kid responds aggressively saying “What were you doing in my bedroom?!”
Chunky Erica is now the delusional character in this soap opera. She says she was voted second in that fake vote because she was a threat. No one has yet offered an opinion or taken a side. It seems obvious to me that chunky Erica is the nut case in this exchange. But everyone’s just sitting there watching. Dear old Stephanie looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Mind you, she looks like that anyway.
Megan looks like Jennifer Tilly.
Chris breaks up the party. Tension is high. I have a feeling this might just be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.
Wow, is chunky Erica ever drunk! This is gold!
***
Jason should say that he has to send two people home but he’d really like to send more home. Then everyone who lasts another week can sweat it out all week.
Jason’s talking about some of the girls. He says Stephanie’s “amazing”. Gorgeous Lauren doesn’t seem in her skin, he says. Oh, man, I’d love to see her out of her skin. He has a lot in common with Nikki. Chris says she’s the mother figure. Chris is secretly lobbying for him to skip on her. Jason has nothing negative to say about anyone. Bo-ring!
Jason, in voice-over mode, says he’s surprised that he finds himself falling for more than one of them. Okay, so he’s the delusional one.
***
Rose ceremony time. Vancouver Jillian, cheerleader Melissa, and high school golfer Molly all have roses already.
Nine roses to be handed out. Let’s do this thing!
It’s tough. Heavy sigh. Really tough. Got it. Get on with it already.
First rose goes to... foul-mouth lacrosse lesbian Megan! Good. Chunky Erica must be pissed.
Second rose goes to... serious judgmental Nikki, the mother hen.
Third rose goes to... gorgeous, quite possibly shallow, Lauren. How could he not?
Fourth rose goes to... bitchy stewardess Naomi. Say what???
Fifth rose goes to... crowd favourite Stephanie. A pity rose? Perhaps, but she deserves it.
Sixth rose goes to... Kansas Kari. I know nothing about her.
Seventh rose goes to... delusional Natalie. She’s a nothing.
Where’s stalker Shannon? How about classy Sharon, the former teacher? Two to go!
Eighth rose goes to... stalker Shannon. There she is.
Last one. The final rose.
Ninth rose goes to... chunky Erica. Holy shit. Obviously a producer’s pick. Poor Brazilian lady. Poor Sharon, who quit her job to be on the show.
I still can’t put my finger on Sharon’s deal. She seems, on the surface, like a catch. Now we’ll never know. Can anyone help me out here?
Raquel doesn’t know why he didn’t pick her. I’m thinking it might have been the tiara.
NEXT WEEK:
Stephanie sees her kid on the beach. I’m getting all verklempt again.
The girls stripping and doing body casts. It took me about ten minutes to watch that in pause mode.
Diamonds.for Natalie. Mother hen Nikki thinks Natalie is nothing like her. Meaning what? She’s kissed more than one guy?
More drama. Stalker Shannon looks visibly ill. Should be good!
Do you guys watch to the very end when they show the outtakes? This week some of the girls were doing a little fashion show with Stephanie’s jewelry. Stephanie says, “What can I say? I love jewelry and fashion.” I guess anything to take the focus away from her face... What am I doing? I can’t talk like that about her anymore. She’s stolen my heart, that vixen!
Until next week.
The Bachelor, Mesnick style.
Here we go again! Are we all psyched? First off, let’s give a moment of silence for Deanna and Jesse. God, I thought for sure they’d make it. They were so alike... ahem. Nevermind.
Now we have the fruitcake from Seattle with the retarded kid looking for love. We all wish him the best. I’m sure he will be met with nothing but quality candidates.
I’m back from basketball, the family is tucked away in their beds, and I can bundle up on the couch and watch it on PVR. I tell ya, the PVR is just the greatest invention in the world. If you don’t have one, you owe it to yourself to get one. Life will never be the same for you, I guarantee it. Since I play basketball every Monday from 8 to 10, it looks like I’ll have to do these blogs late every week. I apologize in advance. I know the show deserves better but what can you do? I also apologize in advance for any sexist or otherwise insensitive comments I may make. Because I guarantee there will be a few.
Okay, enough chit-chat. Let’s get this show on the road! It’s been too long without a fix....
You know what? I just realized I’m too tired to watch two hours of The Bachelor so I’m calling it a night. Unbelievable! Maybe I’m just prolonging the excitement. Now I’ll have one more day of anticipation. it’s like Christmas Eve all over again. So I’ll get to it on the morrow, ladies and germs. Until then...
***
I’m back. I just dropped the kid off at preschool so I’ve got a couple hours. Yes, I have a story due in the morning I could get started on (a real-life D-lister called me out of the blue this morning), but I’ve got my priorities. The Bachelor awaits. Let the show begin! I’m all a-tingle!
Jason fell in love with Deanna. He loves her with all his heart. Oh, how I laugh when I see him get down on one knee and give the big speech only to be told, “No, I can’t.” That shit is priceless! You can’t write that!
He’s walking up a hill in a blue T-shirt. I don’t know if this means anything or not, but his nipples are hard.
There’s a huge hole in his heart. If we’ve learned one thing, it’s that Deanna has played a big role in his life. We’ll see if he can out-heart (or hort, in Deanna’s case) Deanna.
“Los Angeles is the perfect place to find the woman of his dreams.” Yes, he said that.
Jason’s brother is there to take care of Ty. Do we know anything about Ty’s mom? Where’s she? Does he have full custody?
A few days ago I peaked at The Bachelor website and looked at all the women. Just from their headshots they looked like the homeliest bunch of gals the show’s ever had. We’ll see if they’re any better in person... or at least on TV.
Hey, it’s the most romantic season ever! I guess that sounds better than the homeliest season ever!
To find love, says Jason, you have to open your heart and risk being hurt. That’s two and the show hasn’t even officially started. This is gonna be good!
***
Jason Mesnick is his name. I bet he was a nerd in high school. A nerd who blossomed in a hunk. An effeminate hunk with hard nipples, but a hunk nonetheless.
One girl is excitedly jumping on the bed. Forget Jason, I think she’d be perfect for Ty.
Another is warming up with her golf swing before she meets Jason. Because... you know... um... she likes golf?
Oh, I get it. Someone said she knows he loves to golf. I did not know that. Man, you learn so much on these shows.
“I’m coming for you, Jason!” No comment. Too easy.
Ooh, gross. We do not need to see teeth brushing and flossing. Gimme a break. I now have it out for the dental hygienist. She must not last. And now she says she’s a tooth Nazi. She’s quite homely, too. Homely with perfect teeth. Big deal. Philip Seymour Hoffman has a full head of hair, but he’s a fat slob. Who you gonna take, him or Andre Agassi? Thought so. So take your beautiful smile and go home, dental hygienist tooth nazi.
I know there are a couple of Canadians on there. One who lives in Vancouver. Neither looked good on the website. We’ll see. I have big hopes for them.
Oh, there’s the Vancouver girl. Funny how it says she’s from Peace River, Alberta, yet she says she’s from Vancouver. She looks okay, but much older than the 29 it says she is. Wait a second. She just described herself as a “cute little Canadian girl”. Danger, Will Robinson!
I like the single mom so far. I think Jason’s retarded son would fit in well with her two retarded kids, too. A match made in heaven.
The skippy hippy (as in big hips) Dominique, she of the full-on lipstick, is my odds-on favourite to be the house crazy chick.
The Dallas Cowboy cheerleader looked good on first blush. Not so good on second. If she can’t get dates in her real life as a member of the most famous cheerleading group in America, something’s definitely amiss.
Who’s the princess cleaning the table? Nice dress, but I can’t support a beauty queen. Sorry, ladies.
The L.A. “girl” who is in love with her pooch says she just wants to have a family and get married. No kidding! Did you see her kiss her dog on the mouth? I’m wondering what kind of loving that dog gets.
Oh, she has a vision board. Two, in fact! She’s not a crazy L.A. lady at all.
Jackie the wedding coordinator... No. That’s all I can say. No way she’s 26, either. Are they just taking all these women at their words? Don’t they have to supply two pieces of ID or anything?
Here’s another single mom. Nice make-up. She looks like Gloria Swanson in Sunset Blvd. (All you youngsters out there, Google it.)... Oops, she just told us that Jason really reminded her of her deceased husband, who was tragically killed in a plane crash. Not to pile on here, but how is a plane crash anything but tragic? Are there people dying in humorous plane accidents? Glorious plane accidents?
Had to laugh at the bedtime ritual with her little angel of a daughter: “I think you’re wonderful.” “I think you’re wonderful, too.”
Oh, man, here I was thinking this teacher from New Jersey is gorgeous and she goes and says, “I’m attractive.” I like self-confidence as much as the next feller, but I also like humility. Still, she is gorgeous.
Naomi the flight attendant handles bitches with a slap, she says. Why couldn’t she have been working the flight with Gloria Swanson’s husband?
Megan, the lacrosse coach, has a mouth like a sailor. She’s probably a lesbian anyway.
***
There’s Jason in the shower. I’m wondering about this. They often show shower scenes. So are they naked? Who would let a camera crew in while they’re showering? Wondering about this got me so distracted I couldn’t tell if his nipples were still hard.
I love how they liquor them up in the limo before they meet. That always makes for great TV.
That’s quite the blink tick little Ty has. Too bad Jason wasn’t named Jerry, then Ty would be one of Jerry’s kids. (For all you youngsters out there, that’s a reference to Jerry Lewis and his telethons. Am I over-explaining things?)
The ladies have arrived before Jason? I’m confused. Maybe I misheard.
Classic line: Chris, who’s been married for 15 years, says, “Obviously you haven’t been so lucky in love.” Jason responds, “Thanks”, without a hint of irony.
Other than that, that was the most boring one-on-one interview on this show I’ve ever seen.
Coming up: The most awkward moment in Bachelor history! One woman will leave the house FOREVER!
***
Who will he meet first? I can’t stand the excitement!
Ooh, someone in a leopard skin dress. It’s the gorgeous teacher from New Jersey who has quite the opinion of herself. It’s her birthday (of course it is, princess) and she wants Jason to guess her age. Jason pussied out and guessed low. Whenever someone pulls that on me, I always purposely guess 7 years older than I think just to put them in her place. It would have been classic if he said, “Oh, I don’t know. 33?”
Kari from Kansas is next. She poses with her hands behind her back. I have mixed feelings about her. She could be a crazy. I love the brush-off he gives her. “I’d love to talk about it. We’ll talk about it inside. Now get the hell outta here so I can stare at your ass as you walk away.”
Melissa is next. She’s from Texas. She’s a Cowgirl, she says. Is she the ex-cheerleader? To her credit, she didn’t say so when he asked if she was a fan of the team.
The next girl, Sharon a teacher, does a little salsa with him. Meh.
He tells Melissa from Chicago she looks beautiful. I thought so too when she got out of the car. But now as I have the TV paused on her face, not so much. Now she’s telling him that she doesn’t have a TV. Yeah, right. She looks like the type who just reads. Maybe People magazine.
Here’s the next carful.
Naomi, the bitchy flight attendant, says she’s amazing. That is, Naomi says Naomi’s amazing.
Oh, this is the limo of crazies. Megan the lacrosse coach is next. She has a 14-month old son and is already divorced. Told you she was a lesbian.
Here’s Stacia, the other single mom. She’s from Utah. I think she’s the one I liked.
Jackie the wedding coordinator. Told you it was the limo of crazies.
Lisa from Idaho is next. She informs him it’s close to Washington, in case he didn’t know. The big selling point on why he has to visit Idaho is the potatoes. Man, the Idaho Chamber of Commerce’s phones must be ringing off the hook after this show aired!
And here’s the next limo.
It’s Gloria Swanson! Stephanie is her name. She is freaky and he thinks so too.
Treasure from Utah. She’s attractive. But Treasure? It says she’s a nurse but I’m betting she paid her way through college by stripping.
Raquel, with a thick accent, when asked where she’s from, says she was “born in Brazil.” That, to me, implies she grew up elsewhere, like the States. Maybe she doesn’t realize she has an accent. Jason, the dumb American, says he speaks a little bit of Spanish, not realizing that Brazilians speak Portuguese.
Shelby from Stockton, California, told him three times she’s excited to meet him.
Here comes bouncy Nikki from Chicago. She asks about Ty. Suck up.
That’s the first 15. Jason says they’re all amazing. Why can’t we ever have a brutally honest bachelor. That would be the best bachelor ever: “There were a few nice-looking ones, Chris, and some that were, uh, a little past their best-before date. And some that look like they were never good to begin with.”
***
Jason says it was way better than he thought it was going to be. Talk about low expectations! I guess if you set your expectations low enough, you’ll never be disappointed.
Ten more incredible ladies are pulling up right now.
Molly from Michigan. She’s a golfer. She played in high school. She wants to see his swing. She would know if it’s good because, hey, she played in high school.
Erica is next. Erica’s a little on the chunky side. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just saying. She caught a flying fish at Pyke St. market in Seattle. And you’ll never guess what? She’s got it on video! Jason says he’d love to see it. That would be some riveting footage, I’m sure.
Here’s the Calgary gal. Nicole. Or Nicky, as she says. She’s wearing orange because it’s Ty’s favourite colour. She looks a bit freaky.
Now please let’s welcome freaky Renee, the one who does the vision boards. She tells him she’s a jewelry designer and nods her head eagerly as she says it, as if she’s saying, “Yes, it’s true, can you believe it? I design jewelry!”
Jillian from Vancouver is full of confidence and needs to know about his hot dog topping. I like her. And what does it mean that I only like mustard on my hot dog? Can’t wait to find out! Maybe I’ll run into her in town one day and I can ask her.
Dominque has butterflies. God, she’s hideous. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I think she learned her lipstick technique from Lucille Ball.
Emily from Seattle! She’s kinda cute.
Julie, a teacher from Ohio. Jason says, “Tell me something about yourself that I wouldn’t know from just looking at you.” What kind of quesiton is that? Do people actually answer questions like that with, “Well, I have brown hair, I’m wearing a purple frock...”?
Ann, the normal flight attendant. She’s got funny teeth.
Speaking of funny teeth, the next chick is the dental hygienist who must go.
And that’s it. Jason says “incredible. Absolutely incredible.” Chris tells him to get ready for the night of his life. It’s the party of a lifetime, says the announcer.
Someone drops the stalker line. But I know enough not to take the upcoming highlights seriously.
***
Someone brought a wedding dress? Send her home stat.
Naomi the crazy flight attendant says she’s obsessed with Jason. I can’t wait for the drama when she gets sent home.
Kari says it’s definitely hot that Jason is a dad. I never get that reaction from women.
Wow, all the women are acting great with the fact he’s a single father. Quel une surprise! I’m sure they all mean it, too.
The first one-on-one chat is with the hygienist. She’s got quite the cleavage, I’ll give her that. Why don’t we don’t see her flossing that?
Oh, she’s the one who said the stalker line. Good. That’ll get her bumped soon enough. She knows way too much about him. Ooh, she just said the stalker word again. From here on out she’ll be referred to as the stalker. Easier to spell than hygienist. They just did a close-up on her teeth as she tells Jason he has beautiful teeth. Hers, on closer look, aren’t so beautiful.
Chunky Erica just interrupted. I love the fact that every single season people are surprised and upset when others “steal” away the object of everyone’s affection. Ladies, don’t you watch the show? It’s kinda how the game works.
Love the eyebrows on the crazy young chick who sells toe implants. And by “love” I mean “hate”.
Jason says he’s never had so many people try to get his attention before. Revenge of the nerds, anyone?
Another interruption. This time from a delusional girl, Sharon, who resigned from her teaching job to go there. That’ll work out well, I’m guessing. She doesn’t want to live her life with regrets. I wonder if she’ll ever regret quitting her job over a guy she’ll never end up with. But in her defence, she thinks there’s a big connection with Jason. She seems kinda sweet.
Ooh, some bitch just played the mom card. And by that I mean saying that there are a lot of girls there who don’t understand what it’s like to be someone’s mom. Yeah, yeah, we know. Parents are the only ones who know what it’s like to be parents. Such drivel. Megan thinks they have no idea what they’re in for if they become parents. Fair enough, but so what? Neither did she, obviously, and she seems to think she’s a good parent.
Oh my God, somebody’s already playing the I-wrote-something-for-you card. Already? She’s right up there with the stalker. It’s entitled “Is there such thing as love at first sight?” Wait. I think I know what her answer will be.
Nicole from Calgary is just sitting awkwardly by. Wow, that was a horrendously bad poem.
Mustard guy: The guy they all want to settle down with because we’re part saurkraut and part ketchup. That’s me! She hopes Jason is a mustard guy. Wow, I never knew I was that wantable because of my taste for mustard.
He goes for the mustard! He cuts the mustard, so to speak. I like the Vancouver girl so far.
There’s the first impression rose. I have no idea who might get it. Maybe the hot dog girl? But he says all the girls are blowing his expectations away. Even the stalker or goofy poetess?
***
The cameraman’s a perv. Jason’s sitting with a buxom lass with a low-cut little number on and the camera pans down to ostensibly show her clutching Jason’s hands, but it stops for a brief moment on the way down, right at her chestal area. Or was that just me pausing the PVR?
Her name’s Nikki. She’s going on about how she looks after her nieces and nephews all by herself! Can you imagine? She’s totally perfect to be a mom. She already looks like she’s lactating (if you know what I mean, fellas! Am I right?! High-five!).
The vision board lady is digging herself a deep hole at the moment. She’s not a flakey L.A. broad in the least, is she?
Shelby seems positive. She started to knock the vision boards, but ended up saying more power to the flakey L.A. lady. Then some broad came in and stole Jason away and Shelby just commented on how pretty she was. She’s all class.
Raquel, the Brazilian booty is dancing with Jason. Molly cuts in. She steals him away and Raquel isn’t thrilled. Does Jason have to go with whoever “steals” him away? I’d love for once if he just said, “Uh, not right now, honey. Can’t you see I’m busy?”
Ooh, a first! Raquel actually steals him back! Jason just goes with the flow. Get some cajones, man! Jason says he’s flattered that these women would have the guts to steal him away from each other. Does he have memory problems? That’s exactly the kind of stuff the guys did with Deanna. It’s not flattering. It’s not insulting. It’s neutral. That’s the way the game is played.
Out of all the beautiful Brazilian women out there, this is the representative?
Now Jason is stealing the Gloria Swanson impersonator away from the lesbian. She also kinda looks like Jim Carey in Mask. She’s the widow named Stephanie. She claims to be 34 but she looks like she’s had some plastic surgery. I wonder if she can get her money back.
She said “tragically killed in a plane crash” again. I wonder if she’ll bring it up every time she’s on camera.
The girls are wondering who’s going to get the rose. I still have no idea.
Now he’s talking to the gorgeously vain teacher. He asks if she’s cold then offers his jacket. I bet she’ll get the rose. And here we go! She took off the jacket. No need to cover up those assets.Jason went to get something. Oh, now the coat is back on. He didn’t go to get the rose. He went to get the cake and a candle. She’s disappointed.
Freaky teeth just told him he looked good out there dancing. And she looked great brushing her teeth.
There’s a box... 25 of them, actually. Hello! I’m here all week!
Nice. An unpopularity contest. I like it! Who do they hate?
The Calgary girl says she picked Chunky Erica, just because she’s not compatible with Jason.
Crack whore Jackie voted for Melissa because she’s from Dallas and is her biggest competition: beautiful, brunette, from Dallas, a Cowboys cheerleader. She tried out twice and didn’t make it.
I take that back. Jackie’s not a crack whore. She’s a drunken slut. My bad.
Vision board lady voted for Jackie.
Shannon the stalker voted for Jackie.
Another vote for Jackie. Someone else voted for the Brazilian because she stole her salsa moves. That was Sharon’s whole deal, she says. Like she was at home thinking, “I’m gonna be the salsa girl.” It’s not too late. She could always break out the chips and salsa. The key to a man’s heart is through his stomach, afterall.
Natalie voted out Melissa, who, she admits, is gorgeous but perhaps not ready to step in and be a mentor to a child.
Someone voted for foul-mouthed Megan because she shouldn’t have left a 14-month-old baby at home.
Jason just grabbed Megan. She looks like Jennifer Tilly. Jason says there’s a definite connection.
Oh no. Megan is getting the first impression rose? That can’t be.
Nikki? Which one is she? Oh, she’s the one with the nieces and nephews. Babysitting pays off!
Here comes Chris. The first rose ceremony is upon us. But first, the vote. Three women received the majority of the votes. That was clearly a voice-over.
Jackie gets the third most votes. Second most votes goes to chunky Erica. Receiving “by far the most votes” is... drumroll... Megan. Just as well. She digs chicks.
No, wait! It was bogus! Megan calls them assholes. She adds a touch of class to the proceedings, doesn’t she? But this is bogus. On a tease earlier in the show, it said, “One woman will leave the house FOREVER!” Remember that? I can see telling the women that, but that was the tease for upcoming highlights. That’s just wrong, plain and simple. Turns out she gets a rose.
Lauren the gorgeous teacher just gets gorgeouser and gorgeouser.
Megan’s crying and swearing! Now we’re talking!
Love the announcer going into a commercial: “Who will get a rose and who will lose their chance at love forever?” Nice. That’s it, girls. If you don’t get a rose, you’ll be an old spinster.
***
Chris asks Jason about stalker Shannon. He said it was impressive rather than creepy. But the sweat on his upper lips says otherwise.
Raquel is unbelievably sexy, he says.
Sharon left her job for him, but she’s not going to get a rose just because of that.
Stephanie, the tragic widow, got over her grief while others would have checked out forever, he says.
He thinks Megan wasn’t getting along with the girls, but he says he’d have given her a rose anyway.
He’s looking for a kind heart. You hear that, Deanna?!
He’s not looking forward to sending anybody home, he says. He should relish the power. Then again, he’s a mustard man.
He’s definitely ready to open up his heart. Damn, I stopped counting. I didn’t really think he’d be a serious contender in the hort sweepstakes, but apparently he is.
And here’s the first ceremony. Megan and Nikki are already rosed. Thirteen roses left. Ten going home. Are you ready to rumble?!
Lauren, the leopard skinned gorgeous teacher, gets the first rose. No surprises there.
Kari from Kansas gets the second one.
Naomi, the crazy stewardess with the shoulder tattoo gets the third. That I didn’t see coming.
Natalie gets the fourth. Is she the one he thought was so pretty when she got out of the car? I get them all mixed up.
Molly the high school golfer gets rose # 5.
Raquel the Brazilian gets the sixth.
Stephanie the widow? Are you shitting me? I think that’s a pity rose. She gets the seventh.
Melissa the cheerleader gets the eighth. She’s the cheerleader, right? I don’t mind her. She seems to have a sense of humour about herself.
Yay, the Vancouver girl got a rose! That’s one for us! She’s full of confidence.
Stalker Shannon gets one. Probably not a wise choice. Three left now.
Lisa the cat-faced potato girl from Idaho gets rose number 11.
Sharon gets one. She’s the one who left her job. She seemed nice looking, but man was she ever stiff when she accepted the rose: “Thank you very much.” She should have followed it up with a firm handshake.
Last rose. Who will it go to?!
It goes to... Chunky Erica! You go, girl! Do it for chunky girls everywhere!
Now the tears start flowing.
I liked Stacia. Her looks anyway. And I like the way she handled herself upon defeat.
Renee’s vision boards failed her. She says she’d have been perfect for Jason because she’s 36, professional and, you know, cute. She’s got freaky eyes.
Jackie, the wedding coordinator is getting embarrassing. She says she’d planned their wedding already. “It’s hard to think you’re so great when so many other men I’ve tried to start a life with say ‘you’re just not great enough.’” Hmm. She’s going to have to look in that deep, dark, truthful mirror sometime soon.
Upcoming season highlights:
Shirtless Jason... Amazing kisser. He certainly gets lots of practice... Bungee jumping... New Zealand... Helicopters... Bikinis... Seattle...spending the night... “whore”... “not here for the right reasons”... “I can not respect that bitch”... face slapping... swearing... Oh yes, it’s going to be a dandy season.
What? Deanna!! Jason says, “I’m just confused. Why would she come here?” Um, maybe because the producers invited her? You think she just showed up on her own?
Deanna says she thinks she made a mistake! Really, Deanna? Because we all thought surfer dude Jesse was perfect for you.
This is awesome. I love this. Now it’s Jason’s turn for payback. Deanna could break a Bachelor record and become a three-time loser. And we’ll all get to hear that sweet, twangy “hort” we grew to love.
Stalker girl crying. She’s emotionally hanging by a piece of dental floss.
Jason losing it on a balcony. Hey man, suck it up. You’re on national television. You want to break down, be a man and go in the bathroom and lock the door. That’s what I do... I mean, would do... Nevermind.
He kisses his son on the lips. That’s wrong.
Hey, they gave us a big hint. They show him down on one knee (again) and the girl’s hand is shown. She has long fingernails, French cut, I think they’re called. So that eliminates Deanna. Look for the fingernails in upcoming shows, people.
There we go. Sorry I was late. But this allows you to relive the glorious moments all over again.
Now we have the fruitcake from Seattle with the retarded kid looking for love. We all wish him the best. I’m sure he will be met with nothing but quality candidates.
I’m back from basketball, the family is tucked away in their beds, and I can bundle up on the couch and watch it on PVR. I tell ya, the PVR is just the greatest invention in the world. If you don’t have one, you owe it to yourself to get one. Life will never be the same for you, I guarantee it. Since I play basketball every Monday from 8 to 10, it looks like I’ll have to do these blogs late every week. I apologize in advance. I know the show deserves better but what can you do? I also apologize in advance for any sexist or otherwise insensitive comments I may make. Because I guarantee there will be a few.
Okay, enough chit-chat. Let’s get this show on the road! It’s been too long without a fix....
You know what? I just realized I’m too tired to watch two hours of The Bachelor so I’m calling it a night. Unbelievable! Maybe I’m just prolonging the excitement. Now I’ll have one more day of anticipation. it’s like Christmas Eve all over again. So I’ll get to it on the morrow, ladies and germs. Until then...
***
I’m back. I just dropped the kid off at preschool so I’ve got a couple hours. Yes, I have a story due in the morning I could get started on (a real-life D-lister called me out of the blue this morning), but I’ve got my priorities. The Bachelor awaits. Let the show begin! I’m all a-tingle!
Jason fell in love with Deanna. He loves her with all his heart. Oh, how I laugh when I see him get down on one knee and give the big speech only to be told, “No, I can’t.” That shit is priceless! You can’t write that!
He’s walking up a hill in a blue T-shirt. I don’t know if this means anything or not, but his nipples are hard.
There’s a huge hole in his heart. If we’ve learned one thing, it’s that Deanna has played a big role in his life. We’ll see if he can out-heart (or hort, in Deanna’s case) Deanna.
“Los Angeles is the perfect place to find the woman of his dreams.” Yes, he said that.
Jason’s brother is there to take care of Ty. Do we know anything about Ty’s mom? Where’s she? Does he have full custody?
A few days ago I peaked at The Bachelor website and looked at all the women. Just from their headshots they looked like the homeliest bunch of gals the show’s ever had. We’ll see if they’re any better in person... or at least on TV.
Hey, it’s the most romantic season ever! I guess that sounds better than the homeliest season ever!
To find love, says Jason, you have to open your heart and risk being hurt. That’s two and the show hasn’t even officially started. This is gonna be good!
***
Jason Mesnick is his name. I bet he was a nerd in high school. A nerd who blossomed in a hunk. An effeminate hunk with hard nipples, but a hunk nonetheless.
One girl is excitedly jumping on the bed. Forget Jason, I think she’d be perfect for Ty.
Another is warming up with her golf swing before she meets Jason. Because... you know... um... she likes golf?
Oh, I get it. Someone said she knows he loves to golf. I did not know that. Man, you learn so much on these shows.
“I’m coming for you, Jason!” No comment. Too easy.
Ooh, gross. We do not need to see teeth brushing and flossing. Gimme a break. I now have it out for the dental hygienist. She must not last. And now she says she’s a tooth Nazi. She’s quite homely, too. Homely with perfect teeth. Big deal. Philip Seymour Hoffman has a full head of hair, but he’s a fat slob. Who you gonna take, him or Andre Agassi? Thought so. So take your beautiful smile and go home, dental hygienist tooth nazi.
I know there are a couple of Canadians on there. One who lives in Vancouver. Neither looked good on the website. We’ll see. I have big hopes for them.
Oh, there’s the Vancouver girl. Funny how it says she’s from Peace River, Alberta, yet she says she’s from Vancouver. She looks okay, but much older than the 29 it says she is. Wait a second. She just described herself as a “cute little Canadian girl”. Danger, Will Robinson!
I like the single mom so far. I think Jason’s retarded son would fit in well with her two retarded kids, too. A match made in heaven.
The skippy hippy (as in big hips) Dominique, she of the full-on lipstick, is my odds-on favourite to be the house crazy chick.
The Dallas Cowboy cheerleader looked good on first blush. Not so good on second. If she can’t get dates in her real life as a member of the most famous cheerleading group in America, something’s definitely amiss.
Who’s the princess cleaning the table? Nice dress, but I can’t support a beauty queen. Sorry, ladies.
The L.A. “girl” who is in love with her pooch says she just wants to have a family and get married. No kidding! Did you see her kiss her dog on the mouth? I’m wondering what kind of loving that dog gets.
Oh, she has a vision board. Two, in fact! She’s not a crazy L.A. lady at all.
Jackie the wedding coordinator... No. That’s all I can say. No way she’s 26, either. Are they just taking all these women at their words? Don’t they have to supply two pieces of ID or anything?
Here’s another single mom. Nice make-up. She looks like Gloria Swanson in Sunset Blvd. (All you youngsters out there, Google it.)... Oops, she just told us that Jason really reminded her of her deceased husband, who was tragically killed in a plane crash. Not to pile on here, but how is a plane crash anything but tragic? Are there people dying in humorous plane accidents? Glorious plane accidents?
Had to laugh at the bedtime ritual with her little angel of a daughter: “I think you’re wonderful.” “I think you’re wonderful, too.”
Oh, man, here I was thinking this teacher from New Jersey is gorgeous and she goes and says, “I’m attractive.” I like self-confidence as much as the next feller, but I also like humility. Still, she is gorgeous.
Naomi the flight attendant handles bitches with a slap, she says. Why couldn’t she have been working the flight with Gloria Swanson’s husband?
Megan, the lacrosse coach, has a mouth like a sailor. She’s probably a lesbian anyway.
***
There’s Jason in the shower. I’m wondering about this. They often show shower scenes. So are they naked? Who would let a camera crew in while they’re showering? Wondering about this got me so distracted I couldn’t tell if his nipples were still hard.
I love how they liquor them up in the limo before they meet. That always makes for great TV.
That’s quite the blink tick little Ty has. Too bad Jason wasn’t named Jerry, then Ty would be one of Jerry’s kids. (For all you youngsters out there, that’s a reference to Jerry Lewis and his telethons. Am I over-explaining things?)
The ladies have arrived before Jason? I’m confused. Maybe I misheard.
Classic line: Chris, who’s been married for 15 years, says, “Obviously you haven’t been so lucky in love.” Jason responds, “Thanks”, without a hint of irony.
Other than that, that was the most boring one-on-one interview on this show I’ve ever seen.
Coming up: The most awkward moment in Bachelor history! One woman will leave the house FOREVER!
***
Who will he meet first? I can’t stand the excitement!
Ooh, someone in a leopard skin dress. It’s the gorgeous teacher from New Jersey who has quite the opinion of herself. It’s her birthday (of course it is, princess) and she wants Jason to guess her age. Jason pussied out and guessed low. Whenever someone pulls that on me, I always purposely guess 7 years older than I think just to put them in her place. It would have been classic if he said, “Oh, I don’t know. 33?”
Kari from Kansas is next. She poses with her hands behind her back. I have mixed feelings about her. She could be a crazy. I love the brush-off he gives her. “I’d love to talk about it. We’ll talk about it inside. Now get the hell outta here so I can stare at your ass as you walk away.”
Melissa is next. She’s from Texas. She’s a Cowgirl, she says. Is she the ex-cheerleader? To her credit, she didn’t say so when he asked if she was a fan of the team.
The next girl, Sharon a teacher, does a little salsa with him. Meh.
He tells Melissa from Chicago she looks beautiful. I thought so too when she got out of the car. But now as I have the TV paused on her face, not so much. Now she’s telling him that she doesn’t have a TV. Yeah, right. She looks like the type who just reads. Maybe People magazine.
Here’s the next carful.
Naomi, the bitchy flight attendant, says she’s amazing. That is, Naomi says Naomi’s amazing.
Oh, this is the limo of crazies. Megan the lacrosse coach is next. She has a 14-month old son and is already divorced. Told you she was a lesbian.
Here’s Stacia, the other single mom. She’s from Utah. I think she’s the one I liked.
Jackie the wedding coordinator. Told you it was the limo of crazies.
Lisa from Idaho is next. She informs him it’s close to Washington, in case he didn’t know. The big selling point on why he has to visit Idaho is the potatoes. Man, the Idaho Chamber of Commerce’s phones must be ringing off the hook after this show aired!
And here’s the next limo.
It’s Gloria Swanson! Stephanie is her name. She is freaky and he thinks so too.
Treasure from Utah. She’s attractive. But Treasure? It says she’s a nurse but I’m betting she paid her way through college by stripping.
Raquel, with a thick accent, when asked where she’s from, says she was “born in Brazil.” That, to me, implies she grew up elsewhere, like the States. Maybe she doesn’t realize she has an accent. Jason, the dumb American, says he speaks a little bit of Spanish, not realizing that Brazilians speak Portuguese.
Shelby from Stockton, California, told him three times she’s excited to meet him.
Here comes bouncy Nikki from Chicago. She asks about Ty. Suck up.
That’s the first 15. Jason says they’re all amazing. Why can’t we ever have a brutally honest bachelor. That would be the best bachelor ever: “There were a few nice-looking ones, Chris, and some that were, uh, a little past their best-before date. And some that look like they were never good to begin with.”
***
Jason says it was way better than he thought it was going to be. Talk about low expectations! I guess if you set your expectations low enough, you’ll never be disappointed.
Ten more incredible ladies are pulling up right now.
Molly from Michigan. She’s a golfer. She played in high school. She wants to see his swing. She would know if it’s good because, hey, she played in high school.
Erica is next. Erica’s a little on the chunky side. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just saying. She caught a flying fish at Pyke St. market in Seattle. And you’ll never guess what? She’s got it on video! Jason says he’d love to see it. That would be some riveting footage, I’m sure.
Here’s the Calgary gal. Nicole. Or Nicky, as she says. She’s wearing orange because it’s Ty’s favourite colour. She looks a bit freaky.
Now please let’s welcome freaky Renee, the one who does the vision boards. She tells him she’s a jewelry designer and nods her head eagerly as she says it, as if she’s saying, “Yes, it’s true, can you believe it? I design jewelry!”
Jillian from Vancouver is full of confidence and needs to know about his hot dog topping. I like her. And what does it mean that I only like mustard on my hot dog? Can’t wait to find out! Maybe I’ll run into her in town one day and I can ask her.
Dominque has butterflies. God, she’s hideous. I don’t mean that in a bad way. I think she learned her lipstick technique from Lucille Ball.
Emily from Seattle! She’s kinda cute.
Julie, a teacher from Ohio. Jason says, “Tell me something about yourself that I wouldn’t know from just looking at you.” What kind of quesiton is that? Do people actually answer questions like that with, “Well, I have brown hair, I’m wearing a purple frock...”?
Ann, the normal flight attendant. She’s got funny teeth.
Speaking of funny teeth, the next chick is the dental hygienist who must go.
And that’s it. Jason says “incredible. Absolutely incredible.” Chris tells him to get ready for the night of his life. It’s the party of a lifetime, says the announcer.
Someone drops the stalker line. But I know enough not to take the upcoming highlights seriously.
***
Someone brought a wedding dress? Send her home stat.
Naomi the crazy flight attendant says she’s obsessed with Jason. I can’t wait for the drama when she gets sent home.
Kari says it’s definitely hot that Jason is a dad. I never get that reaction from women.
Wow, all the women are acting great with the fact he’s a single father. Quel une surprise! I’m sure they all mean it, too.
The first one-on-one chat is with the hygienist. She’s got quite the cleavage, I’ll give her that. Why don’t we don’t see her flossing that?
Oh, she’s the one who said the stalker line. Good. That’ll get her bumped soon enough. She knows way too much about him. Ooh, she just said the stalker word again. From here on out she’ll be referred to as the stalker. Easier to spell than hygienist. They just did a close-up on her teeth as she tells Jason he has beautiful teeth. Hers, on closer look, aren’t so beautiful.
Chunky Erica just interrupted. I love the fact that every single season people are surprised and upset when others “steal” away the object of everyone’s affection. Ladies, don’t you watch the show? It’s kinda how the game works.
Love the eyebrows on the crazy young chick who sells toe implants. And by “love” I mean “hate”.
Jason says he’s never had so many people try to get his attention before. Revenge of the nerds, anyone?
Another interruption. This time from a delusional girl, Sharon, who resigned from her teaching job to go there. That’ll work out well, I’m guessing. She doesn’t want to live her life with regrets. I wonder if she’ll ever regret quitting her job over a guy she’ll never end up with. But in her defence, she thinks there’s a big connection with Jason. She seems kinda sweet.
Ooh, some bitch just played the mom card. And by that I mean saying that there are a lot of girls there who don’t understand what it’s like to be someone’s mom. Yeah, yeah, we know. Parents are the only ones who know what it’s like to be parents. Such drivel. Megan thinks they have no idea what they’re in for if they become parents. Fair enough, but so what? Neither did she, obviously, and she seems to think she’s a good parent.
Oh my God, somebody’s already playing the I-wrote-something-for-you card. Already? She’s right up there with the stalker. It’s entitled “Is there such thing as love at first sight?” Wait. I think I know what her answer will be.
Nicole from Calgary is just sitting awkwardly by. Wow, that was a horrendously bad poem.
Mustard guy: The guy they all want to settle down with because we’re part saurkraut and part ketchup. That’s me! She hopes Jason is a mustard guy. Wow, I never knew I was that wantable because of my taste for mustard.
He goes for the mustard! He cuts the mustard, so to speak. I like the Vancouver girl so far.
There’s the first impression rose. I have no idea who might get it. Maybe the hot dog girl? But he says all the girls are blowing his expectations away. Even the stalker or goofy poetess?
***
The cameraman’s a perv. Jason’s sitting with a buxom lass with a low-cut little number on and the camera pans down to ostensibly show her clutching Jason’s hands, but it stops for a brief moment on the way down, right at her chestal area. Or was that just me pausing the PVR?
Her name’s Nikki. She’s going on about how she looks after her nieces and nephews all by herself! Can you imagine? She’s totally perfect to be a mom. She already looks like she’s lactating (if you know what I mean, fellas! Am I right?! High-five!).
The vision board lady is digging herself a deep hole at the moment. She’s not a flakey L.A. broad in the least, is she?
Shelby seems positive. She started to knock the vision boards, but ended up saying more power to the flakey L.A. lady. Then some broad came in and stole Jason away and Shelby just commented on how pretty she was. She’s all class.
Raquel, the Brazilian booty is dancing with Jason. Molly cuts in. She steals him away and Raquel isn’t thrilled. Does Jason have to go with whoever “steals” him away? I’d love for once if he just said, “Uh, not right now, honey. Can’t you see I’m busy?”
Ooh, a first! Raquel actually steals him back! Jason just goes with the flow. Get some cajones, man! Jason says he’s flattered that these women would have the guts to steal him away from each other. Does he have memory problems? That’s exactly the kind of stuff the guys did with Deanna. It’s not flattering. It’s not insulting. It’s neutral. That’s the way the game is played.
Out of all the beautiful Brazilian women out there, this is the representative?
Now Jason is stealing the Gloria Swanson impersonator away from the lesbian. She also kinda looks like Jim Carey in Mask. She’s the widow named Stephanie. She claims to be 34 but she looks like she’s had some plastic surgery. I wonder if she can get her money back.
She said “tragically killed in a plane crash” again. I wonder if she’ll bring it up every time she’s on camera.
The girls are wondering who’s going to get the rose. I still have no idea.
Now he’s talking to the gorgeously vain teacher. He asks if she’s cold then offers his jacket. I bet she’ll get the rose. And here we go! She took off the jacket. No need to cover up those assets.Jason went to get something. Oh, now the coat is back on. He didn’t go to get the rose. He went to get the cake and a candle. She’s disappointed.
Freaky teeth just told him he looked good out there dancing. And she looked great brushing her teeth.
There’s a box... 25 of them, actually. Hello! I’m here all week!
Nice. An unpopularity contest. I like it! Who do they hate?
The Calgary girl says she picked Chunky Erica, just because she’s not compatible with Jason.
Crack whore Jackie voted for Melissa because she’s from Dallas and is her biggest competition: beautiful, brunette, from Dallas, a Cowboys cheerleader. She tried out twice and didn’t make it.
I take that back. Jackie’s not a crack whore. She’s a drunken slut. My bad.
Vision board lady voted for Jackie.
Shannon the stalker voted for Jackie.
Another vote for Jackie. Someone else voted for the Brazilian because she stole her salsa moves. That was Sharon’s whole deal, she says. Like she was at home thinking, “I’m gonna be the salsa girl.” It’s not too late. She could always break out the chips and salsa. The key to a man’s heart is through his stomach, afterall.
Natalie voted out Melissa, who, she admits, is gorgeous but perhaps not ready to step in and be a mentor to a child.
Someone voted for foul-mouthed Megan because she shouldn’t have left a 14-month-old baby at home.
Jason just grabbed Megan. She looks like Jennifer Tilly. Jason says there’s a definite connection.
Oh no. Megan is getting the first impression rose? That can’t be.
Nikki? Which one is she? Oh, she’s the one with the nieces and nephews. Babysitting pays off!
Here comes Chris. The first rose ceremony is upon us. But first, the vote. Three women received the majority of the votes. That was clearly a voice-over.
Jackie gets the third most votes. Second most votes goes to chunky Erica. Receiving “by far the most votes” is... drumroll... Megan. Just as well. She digs chicks.
No, wait! It was bogus! Megan calls them assholes. She adds a touch of class to the proceedings, doesn’t she? But this is bogus. On a tease earlier in the show, it said, “One woman will leave the house FOREVER!” Remember that? I can see telling the women that, but that was the tease for upcoming highlights. That’s just wrong, plain and simple. Turns out she gets a rose.
Lauren the gorgeous teacher just gets gorgeouser and gorgeouser.
Megan’s crying and swearing! Now we’re talking!
Love the announcer going into a commercial: “Who will get a rose and who will lose their chance at love forever?” Nice. That’s it, girls. If you don’t get a rose, you’ll be an old spinster.
***
Chris asks Jason about stalker Shannon. He said it was impressive rather than creepy. But the sweat on his upper lips says otherwise.
Raquel is unbelievably sexy, he says.
Sharon left her job for him, but she’s not going to get a rose just because of that.
Stephanie, the tragic widow, got over her grief while others would have checked out forever, he says.
He thinks Megan wasn’t getting along with the girls, but he says he’d have given her a rose anyway.
He’s looking for a kind heart. You hear that, Deanna?!
He’s not looking forward to sending anybody home, he says. He should relish the power. Then again, he’s a mustard man.
He’s definitely ready to open up his heart. Damn, I stopped counting. I didn’t really think he’d be a serious contender in the hort sweepstakes, but apparently he is.
And here’s the first ceremony. Megan and Nikki are already rosed. Thirteen roses left. Ten going home. Are you ready to rumble?!
Lauren, the leopard skinned gorgeous teacher, gets the first rose. No surprises there.
Kari from Kansas gets the second one.
Naomi, the crazy stewardess with the shoulder tattoo gets the third. That I didn’t see coming.
Natalie gets the fourth. Is she the one he thought was so pretty when she got out of the car? I get them all mixed up.
Molly the high school golfer gets rose # 5.
Raquel the Brazilian gets the sixth.
Stephanie the widow? Are you shitting me? I think that’s a pity rose. She gets the seventh.
Melissa the cheerleader gets the eighth. She’s the cheerleader, right? I don’t mind her. She seems to have a sense of humour about herself.
Yay, the Vancouver girl got a rose! That’s one for us! She’s full of confidence.
Stalker Shannon gets one. Probably not a wise choice. Three left now.
Lisa the cat-faced potato girl from Idaho gets rose number 11.
Sharon gets one. She’s the one who left her job. She seemed nice looking, but man was she ever stiff when she accepted the rose: “Thank you very much.” She should have followed it up with a firm handshake.
Last rose. Who will it go to?!
It goes to... Chunky Erica! You go, girl! Do it for chunky girls everywhere!
Now the tears start flowing.
I liked Stacia. Her looks anyway. And I like the way she handled herself upon defeat.
Renee’s vision boards failed her. She says she’d have been perfect for Jason because she’s 36, professional and, you know, cute. She’s got freaky eyes.
Jackie, the wedding coordinator is getting embarrassing. She says she’d planned their wedding already. “It’s hard to think you’re so great when so many other men I’ve tried to start a life with say ‘you’re just not great enough.’” Hmm. She’s going to have to look in that deep, dark, truthful mirror sometime soon.
Upcoming season highlights:
Shirtless Jason... Amazing kisser. He certainly gets lots of practice... Bungee jumping... New Zealand... Helicopters... Bikinis... Seattle...spending the night... “whore”... “not here for the right reasons”... “I can not respect that bitch”... face slapping... swearing... Oh yes, it’s going to be a dandy season.
What? Deanna!! Jason says, “I’m just confused. Why would she come here?” Um, maybe because the producers invited her? You think she just showed up on her own?
Deanna says she thinks she made a mistake! Really, Deanna? Because we all thought surfer dude Jesse was perfect for you.
This is awesome. I love this. Now it’s Jason’s turn for payback. Deanna could break a Bachelor record and become a three-time loser. And we’ll all get to hear that sweet, twangy “hort” we grew to love.
Stalker girl crying. She’s emotionally hanging by a piece of dental floss.
Jason losing it on a balcony. Hey man, suck it up. You’re on national television. You want to break down, be a man and go in the bathroom and lock the door. That’s what I do... I mean, would do... Nevermind.
He kisses his son on the lips. That’s wrong.
Hey, they gave us a big hint. They show him down on one knee (again) and the girl’s hand is shown. She has long fingernails, French cut, I think they’re called. So that eliminates Deanna. Look for the fingernails in upcoming shows, people.
There we go. Sorry I was late. But this allows you to relive the glorious moments all over again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)