The Bachelor, episode 4

Monday, Monday. The Bachelor gives us a reason to love Mondays. Or at least Monday nights. It’s exactly the type of show that if I didn’t watch, I’d hate and would have no respect for the people that did watch. But look at me. I’m a Bachelor junkie. There’s so much to hate about it, but good Lord it’s compelling.

I took a pre-game nap and woke up too late so I’m not going to basketball. So this will be the first time this season I’ll be watching along with you (unless you’re on the east coast or watch on an east coast channel). Hope everyone likes the new blog format. It’s easier this way. I can just upload my scribblings and presto, it’s there for everyone to see without waiting for your friend to forward the e-mail. And don’t forget to vote in the polls in the left panel! And leave a comment or two while you’re at it.

And awaaay we go.

It’s another two hours, broken equally into past highlights/upcoming highlights and new stuff. I wanted to pass over the upcoming highlights but I just saw stalker Shannon crying to Jason, “You can’t let me go! I have so much to offer you.” Oh, this is going to be good.

Nine girls left. When does DeAnna come back?

Chris tells us that there will be one very special 2-on-1 date. Uh, yeah, that would be special.

To get the single date, the ladies have to write and perform an original song to Jason. Classy Stephanie is showing off her girls. Wowza. Gorgeous Lauren has a good ear for music, she claims. It’ll seem like a professional song. Oh, and this just in: Uptight Nikki is... uptight. She has no idea what she’s doing. She got really emotional (period?). She’s crying because she cannot be silly, which is kinda silly in itself. It is not in her nature. She’d rather have a tarantula crawl on her arm than do this. She is just a joy, isn’t she?

Molly the golf sensation is going first. She’s singing about fast food. She gets points for being fun but my God that was awful.

Stalker Shannon is next. She’s doing a rap. She was more fun than Molly.

And Melissa was more fun than stalker Shannon.

Megan can’t sing. I can’t wait to see gorgeous Lauren's professional rendition.

Oh, here comes the diva Stephanie. Yikes. Is it live or is it Memorex? Our window just shattered.

Gorgeous Lauren was right. She’s pretty good. Nikki is looking ill. And gorgeous Lauren is looking, well, gorgeous.

Nikki says everyone has been really good. So she can’t sing and she apparently can’t hear, either. She starts singing a slow song to a child. Yes, it was awful, but there was some nasty editing as they showed the girls looking horrified at her singing. But everyone was really supportive as soon as she was done. They had every right to look horrified, but I doubt they were. And Nikki got the sympathy hug from Jason. Hope she doesn’t get the sympathy date. The winner should be gorgeous Lauren. For many reasons.

What? Molly? Gorgeous Lauren must be shocked. Turns out she is. She says she had the best song. That girl is not lacking in confidence.

Commercial time. They just showed the upcoming highlights. I forgot, this is the “I can’t” episode. Call it the DeAnna legacy. Jason at the rose ceremony won’t be able to give away the last rose. Or so we’re led to believe.

While the ads are on, have any of you read any internet stuff? There’s a rumour out there that says who the winner will be based on the very first episode’s upcoming season highlights. I won’t say who they say it is, but they’re going by moles on the arm and a pinky ring. But I thought the winner would have long nails. The thing is, the girl they say won doesn’t have long nails. So maybe the producers are just messing with us. Do you think they would do that to us?

***

We’re back. Molly’s date will be cozy. She gets to stay home with Jason at “his” place. It’s just going to be “chill”. That Jason sure is fly.

Molly has her bags packed. Do you think she’ll be back. I don’t think she should be, but given who else is in the house, she’ll be back no question.

Golfer Molly says she’s a very laid back person. They’re eating on the floor. Jason is doing the job interview on her: Where do you see yourself in the next three or four years. Guess what? She wants to share her life with someone! Who knew?

Jason says, “How could you not love Ty?” She just laughed. Good non-response.

Cute Melissa says “just thinking about a 2-on-1 is stressful.” Oh, she’s so naive.

Here’s the group date card: Vancouver’s Jillian, gorgeous Lauren, stalker Shannon, foul-mouthed Megan, cute Melissa, and bitchy Naomi. Who does that leave? Ooh, that leaves Nikki and Stephanie. Nikki doesn’t want to go up against classy Stephanie. But what is he thinking? Now he’s got to keep one of them. He can’t send them both home.

Back to the date with Molly. She’s looking cute. Who knew? She’s also sounding quite reasonable. And we see that she’s kissable, too.

He grabbed the rose. That means she’s going home.

Psyche! She’s in. Into the tent they go. Zip. Under a full moon. Oh, it’s going down, alright.

Apparently Jason lives in a tent.

Stalker Shannon is waiting up for Molly. That girl is priceless.

Now we’re hearing moans from the tent. There should be a bumper sticker on it saying “If you hear moanin’, somebody’s bonin’.”

***

We’re back. It’s a glorious morning shot of Los Angeles. And who should stroll up in the limo but Molly and Jason. They’re doing the walk of shame into the house. I cannot wait to see what stalker Shannon does!

Molly just mentioned the walk of shame! I said it first, though.

Nikki has a good question. What happened to her clothes?

Nikki and Shannon look visibly sick. Melissa doesn’t like that she smells like him.

Stalker Shannon says she knows that at the next rose ceremony she could go home. Okay, so she understands that, right? That’s a step in the right direction.

The group date. They’re off to play doctor. Gee, I wonder what will happen. Oh, yeah, they already gave it away.

They’re on the set of General Hospital! Oh. My. God. Shut. Up. Do people really watch that shit? Young people?

Jason introduces the girls to the two actors like he’s best buds with them. He’s excited because the girls can show him if they’ve got any acting skills. Because that’s important in a relationship. If it were up to me, whoever’s the best would go home. You can't trust an actor. You'd never know if those were real tears or fake tears, real orgasms or fake orgasms.

Stalker Shannon just wielded a big knife saying, “I have a crush on Jason.” Seriously.

God, that actor on the set is one homely dude.

No tongue is the rule for on-set kisses. Shannon goes first. Everyone else will taste the stalker chick.

Shannon feels a connection now. Now, Shannon? God help us if she didn’t feel a connection before.

More upcoming highlights with Shannon: “I’m not letting you let me go. You have to believe in me.” And she gives him that psycho two-finger eye-to-eye gesture. Classic.

***

Jason says it felt like they were in a real TV shoot because of the director. You see, he's just used to five cameras following him around 24/7 but without that pesky director yelling "Cut!"

Jason is smooching with ugly Naomi. Gorgeous Lauren storms in. Everyone is awful. More kissing with Naomi and all the girls have to watch. With all the takes, the two smooch about 11 times.

Lauren is a lousy actress, and that’s to her credit. She's still gorgeous.

Melissa is funny and cute. What can I say? No snarky comments from me.

Is that Vancouver’s own Jillian in the blonde wig? Yes, it is. She’s getting proposed to and now she’s smooching with Jason. Good for her. She deserves it. But that blonde wig ain't helping her any.

Oh, maybe I can snark on Melissa afterall. She’s feeling sick seeing all the girls kiss him. She does seem a little teenagerish.

Here are Nikki and Stephanie lying by the pool. Uptight Nikki is a mess. She should have married and had a kid by now, she says. Can you say “desperate”? Poor girl. That’s gonna be one sad 2-on-1 date either way.

It looks like Jason will not be getting any acting roles after this series is done. He is atrocious.

Megan just went in for the kill, kiss-wise. And Melissa is getting ridiculous. She was pretty funny early on, but now she’s getting wrapped up in it.

More upcoming highlights from stalker Shannon: “Just come home with me,” she sobs into Jason’s arms.

***

Now the group date has moved to the wrap party. Bitchy Naomi is off sitting by herself. For affect, is my guess. And Jason falls for it. He takes her away to talk. She says this is more real than she thought it was going to be. She’s, uh, emotional. Nudge nudge, wink wink. What does he see in her?

Oh, now Melissa is getting emotional. You know what they say about a group of women who live together.

Megan says everyone’s crying and upset and emotional and they should all “man up”. I think I described her earlier as a lesbian. I was being flippant at the time. Who knew?

Megan is putting things into perspective. It’s not hard, she says. They’re on a rooftop and they met Jason. Then look who cries. Man up, Megan, man up.

Stalker Shannon says she’s hanging on by a string. And that string is starting to unravel.

Gorgeous Lauren is so gorgeous it’s hard to find fault with her many, many faults. Now she’s got Jason and asked him why he kept Megan. Does he really like her? Yeah, that’s bitchy, but it’s also something that needed to be asked. Okay, her beauty is blinding me.

Now she’s telling Jason, “You need to give me the rose tonight or I’m going to be pissed.” But she said it laughing. They edited in a look of shock from Jason. What will he do? Clearly she’ll get a rose at the ceremony, but tonight? Who knows. No one stood out. Now that we’re in a commercial, I guess I should make a prediction. I’m going to say either Jillian (again) because she was neutral, or gorgeous Lauren because she’s freakin’ gorgeous.

***

He grabs Melissa, who’s balling. I could see him giving her the rose. I like her a lot. I also like her hoop earrings. Now they’re kissing.

She says she’s only been unlucky in love. How can that be? My guess is that she’s just chosen creeps. Because clearly she could have lots of guys. Maybe her boobs were too big. Guys hate that.

Stalker Shannon just peeps her head around the corner and says whenever she’s done she wants a talk with him. That was a little creepy.

Vancouver’s own Jillian has been quiet. That’s the producer’s way of letting us know she’ll be going home. That’s my call. Whenever someone is invisible, they don’t get a rose.

Jason just told the girls to suck it up. Stalker Shannon has him now. Here we go. She is tearing up saying she’s just now developed feelings for him. Bullshit, as my lovely wife just said. She is going all out. Jason is thinking, “What have I created?” He just hugs her. She had said she wanted a kiss going into this little tete-a-tete, but she ain’t getting one. She just blew her nose and he says, “Wow, you’ve proved you’re human.” I thought she proved that the other night when she was puking and bawling.

Now she’s picking her nose. She went in for the kiss and he isn’t into it. At least she knows it. She says she feels he rejected her kiss. She's right. Sometimes that happens and the girl is over the moon saying how awesome it was and what a connection they had. Stalker Shannon knows better. She says she’s not used to being rejected. Mostly because the guys fear for their lives, I bet.

Molly reads the 2-on-1 date. They’re dancing the night away. I’m sure that’s right up Nikki’s alley. She looks the type to cut up a dance floor. Classy Stephanie is excited. Uptight Nikki? Not so much.

Here comes the group date rose. To Naomi?! Are you shitting me? So she’s around for another week? Oh great.

I like gorgeous Lauren’s response after not getting the rose. She’s cool. And did I mention gorgeous?

But bitchy Naomi? I don’t get it at all.

Up next: "The most romantic date yet." Between Stephanie and Nikki? I think not.

***

Stephanie and Nikki just got their own gowns for the ball. Nikki says it's crucial she gets a rose. Who will get it? My bet is Nikki. But I’ve been wrong all night.

And off they go.

Jason’s concern with Nikki is that she stays in the box, and he doesn’t. His concern with Stephanie is that there needs to be a romantic connection there. Man, he’s in a lose-lose situation.

They’re going to learn ballroom dancing. Sounds like a blast, doesn’t it?

Nikki says she’s not the best dancer. What is she good at? Oh yeah, putting yellow stickies on everything. And here she is dancing. She’s right, she’s bad.

Stephanie is a dancer. That’s no fair. She says she has more of a connection with Jason than Nikki has. I dunno, she kinda looks like his mom.

Nikki is the personification of Eeyore. A real pessimist.

Now the girls are taking turns tapping each other on the shoulder. It’s not like they’re really connecting. They’re not even talking; just dancing.

Nikki just mentioned Stephanie’s late husband. She beat Stephanie to the punch.

Meanwhile, back at the house. Megan makes a good point. Jason might send Stephanie home to be with Sophia. That would be the “classy” way out. Someone else just mentioned that he might send them both home. Actually, that’s a very good idea.

***

Here comes major awkwardness. The rose. Someone’s going home. But first dinner and wine. Both girls have “AMAZING” qualities. The romance with Stephanie is going slower than hoped. But Nikki’s not opened up. Still, there’s a connection, he says. I’m sticking with my prediction.

Uptight Nikki has no problems with moving to Seattle because she’s on her own. Stephanie had a good answer, saying whoever she falls in love with she’d follow.

Nikki caught Jason off guard with her 11-year relationship. Now he wants to talk to her about it. She’s opening up. Okay, she’s definitely got the rose.

Now it’s Mrs. Robinson’s turn. I mean classy Stephanie. She says she’s extremely attracted to him. Boy, does he look uncomfortable.

Back at the house... Someone just said Stephanie’s gorgeous. Really? Maybe the camera isn’t flattering to her. The girls are divided on who will get the rose.

And here it comes. This is really hard for him, he says. He sees them both as two of the most AMAZING people. Steph has a heart of gold. Nikki is as sweet as can be. Everyone adores her. But he only has one rose. Wow. It’s for Stephanie. Those goddamn producers. Obviously they didn’t show us everything. Poor uptight Nikki.

He tells her she should never, ever change. Except maybe to loosen up a bit. She’s handling it very well.

This works with my nails theory on the finalist. Stephanie has those long nails.

Nikki says she never saw it coming. Huh? Rewind, please. Didn’t she say she knew she wasn’t doing well?

Stephanie continues to be classy as all get out. She empathizes with Jason’s decision rather than just gloating about being the winner. But will they kiss? Oh my GOD! They’re kissing! It’s giving me the creeps like nothing else. Seriously, I’m getting shivers up my spine. But not tingly positive ones.

***

It’s another full moon. Or at least the stock footage they’re using has a full moon.

Jason returns. He gets a standing ovation from the girls. Without the ovation.

Vancouver’s own Jillian makes an appearance. She’s a goner. Jillian says she doesn’t get cold or hot or anything. What the--?

Aw, she’s got to get a rose. Megan can’t see them together. I can.

Now he’s with Melissa. She says she notices the little things, and points out a hole in Jason’s ear. So he had an ear stud. Surprised it wasn’t in his right ear. I notice the little things, too, like her lower lip and the wrinkle in her nose when she laughs. I like them both.

Megan’s voice is rough, isn’t it? Megan just said, “OMG”. Because that’s so much quicker to say than “Oh my God”. LOL.

He’s dancing with Megan. She says she hasn’t had the puppy love feeling for years. At least with a man.

Gorgeous Lauren says she’s one of the most blunt girls in the house. She joked about giving him a slap because he doesn’t follow her directions. She's spunky. And gorgeous.

He asks her if she’s mad. If you transcribed what she said, it would seem bitchy. But she’s funny. Again, her beauty is blinding me. Now she tells him that he wants to kiss her. And so they do kiss. Of course. She’s gorgeous.

Here comes the grim reaper, Chris. He tears Jason away. Jason tells them they all blew him away. Yeah, yeah, whatever. He’s sending two of them home. So it’s prediction time. As much as I like Vancouver’s own Jillian, I think she’s gone just because she’s been invisible this episode. But if it were me it would be stalker Shannon and foul-mouthed Megan. So I’ll say Jillian and Shannon are gonzo. And if the upcoming highlights are right, maybe all three.

***

Golfer Molly, bitchy Naomi and classy Stephanie inexplicably all have roses. So they’re sticking around. Now it’s on to business!

The first rose goes to... cute Melissa! Yay!

The second rose goes to... Vancouver’s own Jillian! Yay! I’m glad I was wrong.

The third rose... what, the final rose?... it’s either foul-mouthed Megan, gorgeous Lauren or stalker Shannon... it’s gotta go to Lauren, right? Please tell me I’m right! But didn’t he say he couldn’t do it? (I’ve paused the show just for dramatic effect, in case you were wondering.) Let’s hit play and find out...

The final rose goes to... sigh... “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” DeAnna lives! “I can’t give out this final rose.”

Megan is AMAZING. Lauren is more honest and real than anyone he’s ever met. Shannon is just a beautiful person. But he can’t lead anybody on. And he just doesn’t see it forever. Megan is pissed. Lauren looks bemused. I’m starting a petition to have gorgeous Lauren be the next Bachelorette.

Gorgeous Lauren doesn’t think it’s fair he changed the rules. She’s choking up just a little bit, the first real emotion we’ve seen from her.

What’s this? Shannon is normal... Wait a second. I take that back. When she gets home she’s going to give her dog the biggest French kisses. Uh, okay.

Megan gives a quick hug and walks away. She’s very upset. Tears are rolling down her cheek. Is she coming back in to the house? Oh, I guess not. I thought she might.

Next week: Retarded Ty... Seattle... Naomi and Jason take to the sky... Melissa’s dress is almost falling off... on the radio... and the most dramatic rose ceremony ever! Again!

Outtakes: Gorgeous Lauren singing “I wanna be famous”. Did she write that? Either way, she got her 15 minutes. I’m glad I was there for them. Because she’s rather attractive.

See you next week.