The Bachelor, episode 3

Here we are at week 3 of our favourite reality series. Is everyone enjoying it? How does it rank on your all-time Bachelor list? I’m liking it.

If any of you have different opinions on the gals or Jason, add them to the comments section. I’m all ears. Or eyes, in this case.

So here we go. How long is the episode this week anyway? Two hours?! Again? Okay, I love the show just as much as the next girl, but good lord! Is this necessary? If they didn’t have so many goddamn highlights and reviews of past episodes, they could trim these puppies down to an hour easy. Oh well, I’m in it for the long haul. Here we go.

We’re rehashing the dates with Vancouver’s own Jillian and Dallas’s own Melissa.

If you watched the bikini parade as I did in pause mode, you’d have noticed that gorgeous Lauren has a little tattoo just above her bikini line in front. Well, the part we can see is little. Who knows what labrynthian monstrosity awaits Jason once he gets those bikini bottoms off.

Now here are the upcoming highlights. Can’t we just watch the show?

Chris is reminding the ladies that they need to have their bags packed if they go on a one-on-one date. And that not everyone gets to go on a date.

Lauren reads the note and it says Stephanie gets a date. Surprise! Any goldfish watching, or anyone with short-term memory problems, would have had no idea. (Damn upcoming highlights. Ruins all surprises.)

Stephanie, who you’ll recall I made a lot of fun of early on but who won me over with her -- dare I say it? -- heart and goodness, is all excited. If I were The Bachelor, I’d take the girls I didn’t like as much on the one-on-one just so they could get sent home.

Now Megan is pouting that she didn’t get a one-on-one. I don’t get it. Yes, it can be bonding, but it could also mean bye-bye.

Megan is another one who I didn’t like at first but who’s growing on me, even though her job is dubious. Lacrosse coach?

Stephanie’s on her way to her date. She just revealed a secret: Turns out that three-and-a-half years ago, her husband was in a plane crash.

It’s her daughter’s birthday today. Gee, it’s a shame she doesn’t get to see her on her birthday. I wonder if the show will do anything special for her. (Damn upcoming highlights. Ruins all surprises.)

She’s leaving a message for her daughter. Oh my God, is that how she talks to her? I’m hoping she’s just putting that on for the cameras.

She thinks her husband would be smiling down on this whole situation. Hmm... probably not, I’m guessing. Maybe smiling that he’s in heaven.

I wonder how tall Jason is. He’s about the same size as Stephanie. Is she a giant or is he a midget?

Jason is holding her hands on the beach. My bet is that they don’t kiss, except on the cheek with a hug.

He just pretty much admitted as much. He said how awesome it was seeing her with her daughter and how she deserves the best, etc. Then he said that no matter what happens, Stephanie will always have this. In other words, he’s sending her home.

***

The date with Sophia... er, I mean Stephanie, continues. They’re in Legoland. Never heard of it. Hey look, there are animals made of Lego. Hope that roller coaster isn’t made of Lego.

I caught one! He said that Sophia is a ridiculously AMAZING kid. That’s one amazing. He said she reminds him of his retarded son. They’re two kids that love life a lot, love toys, love trying new things. Yeah, they must be amazing. Because most 4-year-olds are morose and not full of curiosity at all.

He’s trying to set up his son now, saying Ty and Sophia would be great together.

Oh, Stephanie, honey, if you really want to prove you’re over your deceased husband, you’ve got to stop talking about him. She just said, “Jason really reminded me of my deceased husband.”

I just got a look at Stephanie’s fingernails and they look like the ones in the tease in episode 1 where he’s proposing. But that couldn’t be, could it? I mean, she’s a good person and all, but I just don’t see it happening.

Back at the villa, Naomi is reading about the next group date. Well, we already know it’s the topless group date. So he’s picking the women with the nicest racks. It’s stalker Shannon, bitchy flight attendant Naomi, cute and fun Melissa, Kari from Kansas (is she still in it?), Vancouver’s own Jillian, big-chested and virginal Nikki who takes kissing seriously, chunky Erica, and everyone’s favourite lacrosse coach, Megan.

Back at Legoland, we see Jason grab a rose. It’s a fake rose. Oh, psyche! It’s for Stephanie. But I called it. She got just a peck on the cheek and a hug. Of course, Sophia was there so he had an excuse.

Jason says, “It would be AMAZING to be with somebody who’s like Stephanie for the rest of my life.” Not Stephanie, understand. Just someone “like” Stephanie.

Look at all those rings on Stephanie. That’s too much.

As they’re waving goodbye to little Sophia, Jason has the real rose behind his back. But the producers obviously thought we didn’t need to see him give it to her. We need more time with the topless chicks. And I can’t say I blame them. Commercial time.

***

They’re all off now to their sexy date of making busts of their busts. My prediction is that uptight Nikki might not be into baring all (or both, as the case may be).

Dull Natalie, gorgeous Lauren and high school golf sensation Molly are left at home.

They’re going to make casts of their busts, but it’s for a great cause. No, really. It is. C’mon, he doesn’t just want to see their tits, he really wants to help out.

Stalker Shannon says she loves to stare at him. She’s a little creepy. I can’t wait to see her reaction when she’s finally sent home, whenever that will be.

Nikki just looks horrified as she watches. Oh, but she raises her hand to volunteer. So I was wrong.

There’s Vancouver Jillian. Where did her chest go? I love her quote. She says, “I have no problem being naked or anything like that... for a greater cause.” How often does that happen where you need to take it all off for charity?

I really like Melissa. She’s fun. She said she was having a good boob day.

Kari is saying how noble it is that Jason is actively involved in charity and wants to give to the community. Uh-huh. Right.

Okay, Megan just went down a notch again. She said half of the girls don’t understand her depth. Wasn’t she just talking about painting a “fetus” on the cast because that where they feed? Fetuses feed on boobs? Really? Man, she is deep.

All the girls were great today, says Jason. “Doing something so AMAZING for breast cancer is fantastic.”

One rose for eight girls. Who will it be. Why is his shirt off throughout the whole thing?

Upcoming highlight time. Nikki admits that she’s a control freak and a perfectionist. Bye bye, Nikki.

***

Here comes the rose. He’s talking to cute Melissa. She says she had breast reduction surgery when she was 17 and says they were hanging down by her waist. Nice visual. Thanks for sharing, Mel.

Stalker Shannon says she feels awkward with never knowing what to say. A lot of the girls there she says are good “conversationists”. Too funny. In one word she proves her very point.

Now Megan is talking to Jason. She’s intense. Jason says she was a little quiet earlier. She says she lives her life to serve other people. It’s been strange for her to have gone a week or ten days without someone praising God that she’s in their life. Wow. She sure is doing the hard sell. Hey, Meg, don’t drop your pants too early (as an old boss once told me when I was a salesman for a few months).

Chunky Erica’s on the juice again. She says, “As I’m sure we can all agree I probably would make a better fit for him than Megan.” All in favour, say ‘aye’. Not only is she a drunk and chunky, but I find her quite homely, too.

I just figured out who Nikki looks like. She looks like the girl on Just Shoot Me.

Now it’s her turn with Jason. Boo! More dishonesty from the producers. That bit about her being a control freak and a perfectionist just flew right by when we saw it in context. There was no strange look from Jason. But wait! The awkward train just pulled into the station. She’s telling him she loved the tit fest. She loved it, she loved it, she loved it, and he just sat there with nothing to say. Now she’s beating herself up about it, saying that everything she does is so calculated and she doesn’t know how to be spontaneous. She’s opening up here. She’s always trying to be perfect and she’s trying too, too hard and it’s not working. I love it when they show their vulnerability.

Which one of the three gets the one-on-one date? Natalie, Lauren or Molly? Well, if my theory is right, that you take the one you’re least interested in, I’d take Natalie.

I called it! I’m good. Oh wait, I completely forgot they showed us highlights earlier on. Trust me, I didn’t remember.

Natalie is a big zero in my book. I wonder if I’ll change my opinion on the date.

Vancouver’s own Jillian is jumping on the bed with Jason. She’s vying for that rose. This is the second time she’s said she’s comfortable in her own skin, whatever that means. Maybe it means she doesn’t have any rashes.

Naomi has lopsided boobs. Hey, she said it. And yes, you can definitely see it in the final product.

Ha! Megan just said exactly what I was thinking: “Shannon is weird.”

Oh, there’s the rose! My call: Vancouver’s own Jillian. Drum roll please...

Yes! How good am I? I mean, seriously!

Nikki is in a bad way. Being pretty and being smart are not enough, she says. You have to be funny and you have to be natural. And pretty would help, too sweetheart.

Jason toasts: And here’s to your bodacious ta-tas... er, I mean raising a lot of money for breast cancer awareness.

***

Stalker Shannon says Natalie is materialistic and insecure and that she’ll probaby go home. That’s my bet, too. I’m hoping, anyway.

Who’s the goombah who brings in the diamond necklace? A million dollar necklace? That can’t be. In this economy? I’m guessing she doesn’t get to keep it. Even with the bling, Natalie does nothing for me.

They’re jetting off to Las Vegas.

The girls back at the house are talking. They’re not particularly fond of Natalie, it seems.

Now they’re on a helicopter. Natalie can’t believe it. Because we’ve never seen a helicopter ride on any other season of The Bachelor. That was totally unexpected.

***

Natalie and Jason are in the limo. Where’s her hand? It’s betwixt his thighs, methinks.

He really thinks she’s hot. I don’t see it. She’s blonde and if you glance really quickly at her, you might think she’s hot. But not longer.

This is funny. He says, in a voice-over, that he really looks forward to digging beneath the surface and finding that deeper side of Natalie. And he hit paydirt. Here’s the deeper side: she’s always been the cute, sporty girl who loves clothes. But wait, there’s more. She loves bears. Not just koalas. All bears. She ventured off and said how she was depressed a lot as a kid. Then she forgot what they were talking about. And yet... and yet, Jason says that conversations with Natalie are good. But he wishes they were better.

Natalie doesn’t want to be stereotyped because she has blonde hair. Uh, honey, I see the black roots.

He’s not sure if he’s going to give her the rose. She’s an AMAZING girl, but he wants there to be more.

Some of the girls back home think she’s coming home. I don’t. I think she’s going home.

Natalie says if she didn’t get the rose, she’d be very surprised. Surprise!

She’s a dumb one, that Natalie. She loved being in the helicopter and seeing all those things created by nature. You know, like the Hoover Dam. Although I think that was a case of nasty editing.

Wow, Jason gave a toast saying Here’s to one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. If he sends her home, I won’t respect him. By which I mean I’ll respect him even less than I already do. If you’re thinking you might not give her the rose, you can’t lead her on by saying such a thing.

They’ve got another live band. What no-name band will it be? Kate Vogel. I’ll have to Google her. Never heard of her.

There’s been no kissing. Jason ain’t feeling it. This will be awkward.

He picks up the rose, though. Why do that if he’s not going to give it to her? That’s like DeAnna letting him get down on one knee. Maybe it’s payback time and he’s taking it out on all women.

Natalie is pissed. She just gave him the “whatever”. Classic!

“Oh my God they’re taking her bags!” All the girls back at the house shriek. They love it.

Now Natalie is rightfully giving Jason shit for picking up the rose. And then they take the jewels off her.

Nikki is ecstatic that Natalie is gone.

Now Natalie says Jason is an idiot. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. How true. But she says she’s not mad because she’s got a lot going on. “I’m super attractive,” she says. She’s hilarious! “You don’t feel a connection with me? Like, who do you think you are? God?” That’s right, the only person who wouldn’t be attracted to her is the Supreme Being. She just said, and I could read it over the blurred mouth and the beep, “Fuck you, asshole.”

Up next, stalker Shannon breaks down. Yeah, that’ll help her.

***

Stalker Shannon seems to not like the fact that virginal Nikki, chunky Erica and moody Megan are dancing over Natalie being sent home. She’s starting to crack. This should be good!

Gorgeous Lauren was also disgusted by the display. She thinks some of the girls had bad intentions and she hopes Jason sees this. I’m not so sure they’re bad intentions. They didn’t like her. Simple as that. Plus they want Jason and that increases their chances slightly. I think Lauren is just playing the virtuous good-girl character because she thinks it’ll work. Doesn’t she realize she just has to sit there and look stunning?

Jason has a question for bitchy flight attendant Naomi. He’s digging for info. She’s not really giving any, though. Except the fact that she’s only been with one other person in her life. I find that very hard to believe. I mean, I know she’s only 24 but she gives off an entirely different vibe. A slutty vibe, if you will. I’d believe it from Nikki, not Naomi.

Now he’s necking with Naomi and tells her she’s wonderful.

Naomi’s back at the couch and someone says she’s missing some lip gloss. Nikki does not look pleased at all. And Naomi is showing off that trampy shoulder tattoo.

Nikki’s goal tonight is to show Jason her fun side and be a little bit more sexy. We’ll see about that. She’ll have to pull that stick from outta her ass.

The camera just did that fake pan down to her hands but with the intention of showing her ample cleavage. But I did get a look at her nails and they could be the nails of the eventual winner. Boy, that would be surprising.

Jason says his organizational skills are not one of his strengths. Nikki says that’s what girls are for. Amen to that, sister!

Now they’re in full lip-lock. Now she feels very confidant she’ll be getting a rose.

Vancouver’s own hot dog lady, Jillian, is a breath of fresh air. She’s humble. Or at least playing humble, saying she was shocked she got that last rose.

Chunky Erica is talking to him now. I honestly can’t see how she got this far.

Jason comes to get Kari from Kansas. I think that’s her. We see so little of her. Now Jason is fishing again for dirt on the girls. But they just kiss. He’s having a fun night, isn’t he? I hope he catches herpes simplex.

Stalker Shannon is a mess. She feels like she is going to throw up.

***

Sweet naive southern lady (formerly widowed catwoman) Stephanie asks if stalker Shannon drank too much, but the girls think it’s just stress. Let’s see just how weird she is with Jason.

Stalker Shannon is whining about being the only person who hasn’t got to talk to Jason. (I should point out that she’s in the running for the final rose because I just got a look at her fingernails and they’re a match.)

She’s saying that last season when she saw him with DeAnna she wanted to jump through the TV set. She cried, she said. Well-balanced young lady.

She apologizes and says she’s just emotional all the way around. Now I know my readership is all female, but isn’t that just code for her period? C’mon, ladies! Know your body!

In between all her blathering she reminds him that she’s so ready to be a mother. An emotional wreck of a mother, but a mother nonetheless.

Oh, I forgot that southern Stephanie already has a rose. So why is he even talking to her?

She says she needs to get connected to Jason on a romantic level. I don’t like the sounds of this. So when he tells her how great it was seeing her with her daughter, she gives him her version of a sexy face. Yikes, that’s scary. She kinda looks like Dr. Renee Richards, the transgendered former tennis pro. (Google him/her.)

She’s taking it to a new level by getting him to close his eyes then giving him pecks on the cheek. Not sure what level that is, but apparently it’s a new one. She’s thanking him and you can just see it in his eyes him saying, “No, please God, do not come in for the big kiss. Please.” Sheer panic. She goes in anyway and he couldn’t have been more tense. It was one quick kiss then he turns it into a hug. I wonder if she could feel the shivers down his spine. Shivers of revulsion.

Oh, poor Steph. She says she’s starting to love again. Poor dear.

Gorgeous Lauren is about to rat out the gals. She says she doesn’t see Jason with the two drama queens of the house, foul-mouthed Megan and chunky Erica.

We got a shot of Megan sitting there, but where is she? How can she hear Lauren when I played it back twice and still didn’t catch everything Lauren said, she was speaking so quietly and quickly.

This is funny: Stalker Shannon just said that foul-mouthed Megan was acting weird. That’s rich.

Now here’s Chris. Jason is confused because of what Lauren told him. This will be his toughest rose ceremony yet.

Coming up: Man, they’re really playing up this stalker Shannon sick thing. I thought we saw that already but apparently there’s more to come.

***

Jason believes gorgeous Lauren about foul-mouthed Megan and chunky Erica, but he says he hasn’t seen any of it. My prediction is that he’ll keep Megan around just so he can suss it out some more, and send chunky Erica packing. I’m hoping, anyway.

He says all the women have AMAZING qualities but he needs to find out more. Which is why, I guess, he’s holding up individual picture frames one by one. Maybe he’ll notice something there.

And here’s the much anticipated rose ceremony. Yes!

Two will be going home. Chris asks them to speak candidly about what Jason needs to know before he makes his decision.

Gorgeous Lauren is looking over at foul-mouthed Megan and smiling. Chunky Erica looks like she was about to say something. And she does, finally. She says she’s shocked. She thought they all got along great. Uh, Chunky Erica, you seem to have forgotten that cameras have been following your every move. Roll the tape.

Virginal uptight Nikki says it was Natalie that wasn’t right for Jason, but she’s gone now. Whatever problems they’ve had in the house, they’ve worked on.

Now it’s foul-mouthed Megan’s turn. She says she was surprised that people had been talking trash about her.

Now Megan and Lauren are in full-on catfight mode. Awesome! Megan is not coming off well. I’m just waiting for her Tourette’s Syndrome to set in.

Meanwhile, stalker Shannon is looking sick. The vomit countdown is on.

Shannon walks off muttering, “I hate it here.” Then go home, weirdo. This is what it’s all about. Reality, baby!

Classy Stephanie has not said a word, nor sulked off like a jilted stalker. Good on her. Mind you, neither has Jillian or Melissa or Kari. Then again Kari is invisible. She’s still here, right?

What, a commercial?

***

I think stalker Shannon just wants some attention from the object of her desire.

I’ve got to transcribe this from foul-mouthed Megan. It’s classic: “Shannon, why can’t you just embrace why you’re here? Why can’t you just have fun? But instead she’s like, ‘This sucks. This is so hard.’ That’s all I hear out of her fucking mouth. And I’m like, ‘You know what? You ungrateful, selfish, self-absorbed, high-maintenance piece of shit.” Although in her defense, I’m pretty sure she didn’t say shit. I think that might have been a bleep on something else that maybe didn’t need bleeping. Her mouth didn’t seem to be saying ‘shit’. What else could it have been, though? Maybe ‘crap’. It looked like it ended in a ‘d’. Piece of crud? Do people say that?

Okay, stalker Shannon is back. This would be too good if he didn’t give her a rose. Can you imagine the barf scene? It would be glorious if she just barfed all over everyone’s pretty dresses. Carnage.

Chris just thanked the ladies for being open and honest and said he hoped it helped Jason with his decision. I’m guessing not so much.

First rose goes to... Molly the high school golf sensation. I forgot she was even there. Maybe he’s going to choose all the ones who weren’t drama queens. If so, Kari’s got to be next.

Second rose goes to gorgeous Lauren! Hooray! That means chunky Erica or foul-mouthed Megan are toast. Maybe even both.

Third rose goes to the formerly big-boobed and currently terminally cute Melissa.

Fourth rose goes to... Naomi??? What on earth does he see in that lopsided bi-atch? Did I mention she looks like Rosie Perez? And that’s not a good thing? At least she doesn’t sound like her. That’s about her only positive.

Fifth rose goes to... vomit breath, Stalker Shannon. Floss, baby, floss.

Sixth rose goes to the currently big boobed and formerly uptight Nikki.

One rose left? Who’s it gonna be? Who’s left? Megan and Erica and Kari? It’s gotta be Kari, right? Unless the producers have told him he’s got to keep one of the drama queens for ratings, in which case it’s Megan.

Seventh rose goes to... Megan. I called it. Why would he do that, when he knows that Lauren and her hate each other?

Erica looks even uglier when she’s upset. Kari’s classy. She’s too normal for this group. She’s leaving gracefully.

Oh, chunky Erica was all smiles when she hugged him goodbye. Good on her. Although talking to the camera she calls out Megan. Wasn’t Erica the one saying everything was good in the house?

Next week:

A singing competition... Molly goes camping...General Hospital... Melissa getting emotional... stalker Shannon saying “I can’t let you go” (man, it’s his own fault for not seeing the warning signs earlier)...

And they show Jason saying he can’t give out the final rose. Why would they ruin it for us? Brutal. Damn upcoming highlights. Ruins all surprises.

That’s it. Again, sorry I’m late. Pass this on to whoever you want. The more the merrier. But check this out. I found a Bachelor blog that actually posts right after the show. It’s pretty funny and well-written. And I notice she and I have the same opinions on a lot of the girls. But I guess we’re all just sheep to the producers. They tell us how to think. Anyway, check out this blog and maybe you won’t need me anymore: http://www.beloblog.com/KVUE_Blogs/bachelorblog