So what are the odds that the networks would schedule just about the only two series I watch against each other? Pretty pathetic, if you ask me. Thank God for the PVR (or TiVo, as my American friends call it, I think). So I’ll watch Ali do her thang on The Bachelorette and sometime tomorrow, hopefully, I’ll get to Last Comic Standing. I wonder which one will be funnier?
So let’s get to the object of our desires. Ali is down to 14 hum-drum bachelors, now that she’s sent the Sarnia Sleaze home. Here’s hoping the Midget Weather Doofus is next to go.Hey, there’s a helicopter in this episode!!! Finally! And Barenaked Ladies. And she slaps someone (although it looks overly dramatic). This could be the bestest episode ever!
One group date and two individual dates this week. Usual rules: no rose, you go. Yeah, yeah, tell us something we don’t know, Chris.
The first date card is read by Ugly Craig. It’s an individual date and Clemente (Roberto) gets the nod. There’s no way he’s going home. I’m calling that right now. (I know you’re reading this after the fact, but I’m writing it during the fact.) But I wouldn’t go in a helicopter with him, that’s for sure, if you know anything about baseball history.
So the copter lands on one building and the dinner table is on another building. They have to walk a tightrope to it, 20 storeys in the air. Not that there’s any chance they’ll do a Flying Wallendas impression and fall to their untimely demises but Ali thinks anything horrible could happen. They stop midway and kiss and everything goes right. They also make it across without falling off. Impressive.
As they watch the setting sun, the smooth Latino says in mid-embrace that he wants to watch a lot more sunsets with her. Ali swoons. I throw up just a little bit in my mouth.
***
At the house, the next date card arrives. The lucky fellas are Origami Kirk, John (Cubic Zirconian), Chris N. (Magic), Frank (Hyper Dweeb), the Midget Weather Dufus, Ugly Craig, Justin (the Wrassler), Jesse (Tattoo), and Cape Cod Chris: “Come rock my world.” I think the guys have seen the upcoming previews because they immediately figure out it’s a musical date. My mind, even after seeing the previews, went to rock climbing. I’m not good at this game.
Kasey the Desperate Dud, with hands down the weirdest voice in the history of the show, says he wishes he could have gone on this musical date to show Ali his voice. I think that’s what she was afraid of.
Clemente impresses Ali with his languages. He’s fluent in Spanish and knows a little bit of French and Italian. Now she feels worried she’s not good enough for him. She tells him she’s an open book. When she’s bored, angry, whatever, he’ll know it. Translation: high maintainance. Probably not a wise thing to say on a first date.
She drops her pants early, metaphorically speaking, and gives him the rose as they lie drunk and kissing on the rooftop. She is one smitten young lady.
***
Group date. The boys pile into a limo and are off to make beautiful music together. Or something like that.
It’s the Barenaked Ladies. Ugly Craig can’t believe he’s going to be in a music video. We hear the new song. Blah blah blah. Listen, I’ve seen Barenaked Ladies live on numerous occasions dating back to before their first CD ever came out. They were nobodies. And they put on a great live show. Great musicians, fun guys. I like them as much as anyone but I would never, ever fawn over them the way some of these guys did.***
Hyper Dweeb is first up on the shoot. He sits oiling up Ali’s back while the others watch. He’s the lucky recipient of the slap, which requires nine takes. Perhaps that’s a sneak peak into their future if the High Maintainance one is true to her word.
The Midget Weather Dufus was shaking throughout all of this. He whispered to Ali that as much as he wants to kiss her, if she doesn’t want to, he’s fine with it. Their scene called for a romantic smooch. We see a series of awkward kisses and misses. As the guys give him the gears, he cries a little bit. Ali sees this and makes sure to loosen him up on the next take. And it’s a doozy. Big Ears suggests it might have been the Weather Man’s first kiss ever. I think he might be right. At least with a girl.
***
At the wrap party, Ali grabs Cape Cod. She asks why he has a tattoo of his mom’s signature on his torso. He finally reveals that his mom passed away 1.5 years ago despite telling Ali his parents were still together. The Midget Weather Dufus interrupts because he needed to talk to her about their scene in the video. It looks like he’s going to come out of the closet but he’s quickly interrupted by Ugly Craig.
Next date card at the house: Hunter (Uke Wiz). “Home is where the heart is.” Anonymous Steve (I believe I also called him the Front Runner and then Bones) is frustrated at his lack of action.
Frank, aka Hyper Dweeb, is visibly seething at Origami Kirk who takes Ali into the hot tub. Those two had the steamiest fake kiss on the video shoot but they kiss for realsies in the tub. It feels so real, so right, he tells us. The Midget Weather Dufus and Hyper Dweeb are broken men. It’s kind of pathetic. As the guys gather in the pool, Origami Kirk gets the rose, which makes him feel so light and so good. To recap, on this evening things have felt real, right, light and good with Origami Kirk.
We see the video. Or parts of it, anyway. That was a quick edit. Not one of the Ladies’ better efforts.
***
The hobbled Wrassler needs to make a quick impression because he can’t do a lot of the stuff the others can. Like hop in the swimming pool with his cast on, for example. So he sneaks out of the house and hops down the street on his crutches on his way to Ali’s house. He walks in as she’s doing an interview about why she picked the Uke Wiz for the date today. Good thing she was home. She thinks the fact he hopped a couple miles to see her is “kind of a turn-on”. Interesting.
The Wrassler knows his actions were a huge move and the guys would turn on him in two seconds if they found out what he did. But he doesn’t care. And he’s right.
***
The Uke Wiz is waiting around, waiting around, for his one-on-one date. He’s not exactly a looker, is he? My prediction is he doesn’t get a rose. They stick around Ali’s residence and cook up some barbecue burgers and hot dogs. They talk about their broken homes. Seems to be a theme on the show tonight.Uke Wiz says he’d be more than happy to cook, clean and take care of the kids if she wanted to work all the time as long as she came back and kissed him goodnight. Good move. Chicks dig guys with no ambition. He’s a slow-paced guy, he says. He’s also a goner.
In the hot tub, they are not feeling it. Well, she isn’t, anyway. She does the classic sneaky move-away move. This is the slowest date we’ve ever seen in this series but in priceless fashion the Uke Wiz tells us he isn’t happy because he usually works even slower! What did I tell you? Gonzo. He should have brought out the ukulele again.
***
The Wrassler tries to convince the guys that he’d give up everything for Ali. They're not buying it. To drive his point home, he ends his speech with some tears. Are they real or wrassling tears, the weird voiced guy wonders. Good question. Not sure.
Ali breaks it to the Uke Wiz that he ain’t getting the rose. There’s not a strong romantic connection, she reveals. Geez, that came as a shocker. He’s sad but I think he’s going to be okay. He knows he choked. That’s what he gets for moving so fast.
When his bags get removed from the mansion, the Wrassler gloats, which doesn’t go over too well. He’s got the Bizarro Midas Touch. Nobody likes him, but he’s got to be the most likable bad guy in the history of the show.
***
At the cocktail party, Ali is confidant that her future husband is there. Bets, anyone?
Frank, the Hyper Dweeb, isn’t so hyper anymore, but he’s still a dweeb. He’s obsessing over her. He kinda looks like Jason of Jason & Molly fame. Or at least has that feel about him. Anybody?
The Wrassler pulls a great move, pre-ratting himself out to Ali so he won’t have to be on the defensive when someone inevitably tells Ali he’s there for the wrong reasons. Ali’s on his side.
Anonymous Steve pulls out a blanket for the two of them. He brings a bottle of champagne. It took him a while to open it as he fumbled around, but at least he maintained his sense of humour, which I would think should get him some points.
Big Ears calls the Wrassler “Mr. Jeckyll and Hyde”. I guess this was pre-med Jeckyll. He’s talking to the guys about how false the Wrassler is, and guess who’s standing right behind him the whole time? You’re good. It’s like 12 Angry Men deciding the fate of the defendant. Big Ears thinks the Wrassler is two-faced. Maybe so, but at least his ears are human sized.***
Clemente decides he needs to tell Ali his impressions of the Wrassler. I expected better from Roberto. Ali lets it slip that the Wrassler walked to her house. Clemente then goes and gossips to the others. A posse is formed, torches are lit and they approach him.
They ask and he responds, “Yes, I did.” Calmly. Like I said, most likable villain ever. Ugly Craig says he doesn’t trust the Wrassler’s intentions. He says he’s a bullshit detector. That’s what he does for a living. Need I remind you that Ugly Craig is a lawyer, so he knows bullshit? The Wrassler can’t understand why everything he does backfires. He’s upset and angry and sheds another tear. He plays the villain in the wrestling world but isn’t used to it in real life. He should just do the flying clothesline on them to settle it once and for all.
Ugly Craig is quite confidant the Wrassler is going home tonight. Even the Wrassler isn’t so sure, that’s how sensitive a villain he is.
***
Final rose ceremony: 13 guys left. Origami Kirk and Clemente are already in. Nine roses left. Two go home. I’m betting Ugly Craig and Cubic Zirconian are going home. Maybe the Weather Man. Here are Ali’s picks:
3. Cape Cod
4. Tattoo, who’s wearing jeans. Remember he only owns two jackets and he’s shown them both already.
5. Chris N., whoever he is. Oh, yeah, Magic.
6. Big Ears
7. Kasey the Desperate Dud
8. Ugly Craig. Go figure. What do I know?
9. Hyper Dweeb
10. Midget Weather Dufus
11. The Wrassler
That means Anonymous Steve (aka Bones, aka the Front Runner) is gone. He never should have showed his body. He’s shocked. Also gone is 
Cubic Zirconian, who’s pissed because the Wrassler is still there. He’s a genuine guy, he says, forgetting that he introduced himself to Ali and us by giving her a fake ring. One thing is clear: she genuinely didn’t want him around.Next week they go to New York and Kasey the Desperate Dud looks like he might be the new villain. Here’s hoping. I can’t listen to that voice much longer.
