Bachelorette JoJo: Hometown heroes

Whoops. A little late with this one. Thought I'd get at least something up before two more follow back-to-back. In my defence, we were away last week. I had to watch in a hotel room without the benefit of PVR, like a barbarian. But I jotted down some notes. Here they are for ya.

It was the hometown visits with Chase, Jordan, Robby, and Luke, in that order.

I missed Chase's hometown but it looked to be somewhere near the North Pole. There was snow, which really drives home just how long ago this was filmed. Chase is the product of a broken home, which is his excuse for why he's slow to open up. His home is so broken, his parents haven't spoken for years. Chase had to introduce JoJo to them separately.

He said his dad wasn't around much when he was growing up, yet oddly then said he got his big heart from his dad. But his dad seemed like a nice guy. Chase used the opportunity of a camera crew in their faces to ask his dad point blank why his marriage to Chase's mom didn't work out. He used the corporate ladder excuse. Exit dad.

Enter mom and the rest of the fam. The mom defended Chase to JoJo, again using the divorce as an excuse for his reticence with the L-word. The family likes excuses! Chase's sister, it turns out, is also loathe to use such a loaded word. It's like they're the only children who have been through such an ordeal.

At the car, Chase whispers, "I'm falling in love with you, JoJo." And she knows he means it because he's the child of divorce.

I came away with good feelings about the family. They seem great. Far too normal for JoJo's eccentric crew.

Jordan is from Chico, California, a place I, as a foreigner, have heard of. JoJo, US citizen, had never heard of it. She freaks out at seeing free-range deer running around. I guess they all get shot in Texas.

As with every single former jock in this history of The Bachelorette, he takes JoJo to his old high school. Jordan went to Pleasant Valley High, home of the Vikings. Should be home of the Monkees.

He has hugs for many of his old teachers, including his JV football coach. JV? This guy didn't make varsity? No wonder he was only on the BC Lions practice squad!

We also find out that charmer Jordan never had a high school sweetheart. But he makes up for lost time by kissing JoJo in the library.

Sitting in some stands, Jordan says he doesn't want his NFL-playing MVP brother Aaron to be part a topic of discussion when she visits his family. JoJo, on the other hand, it seems, wants nothing but. She'd talk about Aaron all day if someone would just go along with her.

We meet Jordan's other brother. If it's hard on the fringe-NFL player Jordan, can you imagine how hard it is on the brother who couldn't even make a practice roster? Ouch. JoJo brings up the topic she wasn't supposed to bring up: Aaron. She talks to the Other Brother about him. He's impressed that Jordan talked about him at all with JoJo. It must mean something. She tells OB she's "crazy about" Jordan.

Their dad tells JoJo he's noticed a skip in Jordan's step. He hadn't seen that before. JoJo managed to yet again bring up Aaron, only tactfully saying "his brother." Dad doesn't bite.

Jo and JoJo kiss outside. He tells her, "Don't ever doubt this." Probably should have added, "Don't read the tabloids."

Robby is from St. Augustine, Florida. I don't get the attraction she has for him at all, but she likes so many things about him. They tour the town by horse carriage.

She tells him he was the first guy she was emotionally connected to. Thank goodness she feels a bit conflicted now. She worries about his last relationship. He assures her it's very much a part of his past
and that's where it's going to stay.

They bring a ton of gifts to his family. We never get to see what they are. His dad greets them and tells JoJo to call him "Coach." I don't think I could do that. I'm guessing he's a swimming coach but they don't say.

JoJo asks Robby's mom about the ex-girlfriend. I think Robby's ex and Jordan's brother Aaron should get together.

Then she reveals something she hasn't shared with anyone else: she's falling in love with Robby. Ewww!

Mom tells Robby some bad news. Apparently his ex's roommate is telling the world that Robby broke up with his ex to go on the show. He starts to have a panic attack. His mom says, "Deep breaths."

Is Robby racist? He spoke of "chinks" and "nips". Not cool Robby. [This is my lesson on context for my American readers to use in their upcoming election. Yes, he used those words, but the context was non-racist: "chink in the armour" and "nip it in the bud."]

Robby tells JoJo what his mom just told him. He's sweating. I thought his mom should have been there with him because she knows the score. She could have provided an alibi. JoJo asked him if there's any truth to what the roommate was saying. Robby said there wasn't and then JoJo said, "Just be honest." What the hell? Where did that come from?

Robby said he'd never speak to his ex again. They had a blowup fight over Christmas and she slapped him. It's over and done with. Nobody slaps Robby.

He doesn't like JoJo being nervous because it puts him "at a disadvantage." Yeah, he's there for the right reasons, isn't he?!

They walk outside in a heavy rainfall. God is crying.

She meets Luke in Texas wearing cut-off shorts and cowboy boots. They hop in his pickup truck and drive down a dusty dirt road to a picnic to meet his mom, dad, sister, and the rest of the town.

They leave the barbecue and head off on horses for a "surprise." They ride to a haystack sofa where he tells her how good she looks in her cutoff shorts and cowboy boots and adds, "I hope that's how you felt, too." I think something was missed in the editing.

He says, "I want the future. I want us," and he kisses her. What's the surprise? Was that it? He's got to work on managing expectations.

Oh, here's the surprise: He wants her to know he's falling in love with her. He leads her down a path that leads to a giant heart and says, "I want you to know my heart is yours." Um, maybe that's Texan for "I'm falling in love with you"?

The rose ceremony is in an airport hangar. Robby shows up first. He's last on my scorecard. My personal order of preference is Chase, Jordan, Luke, and Robby.

Something fishy is going on (as usual). Before the rose ceremony, JoJo tells the camera that she needs to say goodbye to Luke. When in the history of this storied franchise has it been revealed beforehand? Never, is the answer.

She gets in front of them, grabs a rose, and pauses long enough for Luke to pipe up and ask to have a word with her. Yeah, totally plausible. Jordan turns to the others and says they had a whole day to talk to each other. Exactly. It's BS (pardon my acronym).

Luke tells JoJo that his heart is hers. He felt he also needed to tell her he's in love with her and didn't get to tell her. It's been on his mind. She squeezed his shoulder and said, "Thank you, I am glad you told me that."

Now she doesn't know what to do. She says it changes things, but is it enough? She's wondering who'll be the best life partner for her, the best husband. She squats down in her gown and bawls, torn at the decision she has to make.

And... to be continued. The producers love this garbage. We've had so many To Be Continueds in the past couple of season. They don't understand that we're going to watch regardless. Or not.

Tomorrow night we find out. Tuesday it's the Men Tell All. I'll be there with my PVR so I won't miss a thing.