The gang is in sunny and warm Jamaica this week. One hallmark of the Canadian versions of this franchise is that they always give many verbal plugs to wherever they're staying. They get as many of the participants to casually mention the hotel in conversation. I counted three verbal plugs and as many visual ones. I guess I understand it but it does give off the vibe that we just don't have the bucks to produce a show without as much help as we can get.
Jasmine says Jamaica is the "perfect place to fall in love." Easy there, Juliet. It's your second time meeting these yahoos. And that was the other talking point. We heard "it's the perfect place to fall in love" from a few of the guys, too.Host Noah walks in to a round of applause. There must have been an applause sign behind him. How does anyone know who he is?
The one-on-one date goes to Thomas and his man-bun. One of the guys tells him he only has a couple of hours to get ready so he better start brushing his hair. Burn! Jasmine picked the international model because he's "a dreamboat." What was her nickname for him? Old Sexual Tongue? I'm sure she's hoping to experience some of that slimy muscle.
They go 4-wheel driving in an all-terrain vehicle then proceed to drive on one terrain, an nicely coifed dirt road with one puddle. They stop at the beach for a picnic. He tells her about his start in international modelling. He was working for his father's construction company when he fell off a roof and broke both ankles. Since it is a well-known fact that international model agencies prefer men who hobble due to injury, his path was all but chosen for him.
He got the rose and SWAK. She's wearing a skin-toned bikini bottom so every time I see her walking, my first thought is that she's naked from the waist down. I mean, it's Canadian television so it's not completely out of the realm of possibility. We hear the occasional "shit," too. That is, they don't bleep the word; it's not that they put microphones in the outhouses.
The stand in the water and kiss some more as drones fly up and give us all angles from above.
Calgary Chris, the inventor, got lots of screen time this week. He's not one of the 'roid monkeys. He said there's "more that I think about in a day than what I'm eating and what I look like." Needless to say, Cocky Drew doesn't trust him. Chris draws the line between the thinkers and the Toronto bros. Other than Chris and Drew, I'm not sure who falls into which category.
Drew tells us that every one of his "serious exes" is blonde, blue-eyed and beautiful, so Jasmine is right in that realm for him. In other words, she'll make a perfect serious ex.
They walk into the studio and Jasmine says, "You can smell the history" and not one person makes a gange joke.
The challenge is that the guys will be in two groups, each composing and singing a reggae song for her. The winning group goes on a date. Drew is not liking the challenge. He's a salesman, he reminds us unnecessarily; not a performer. "I'm from the Six but I'm not Drake, okay?" (By the way, the Six is hands-down the lamest nickname for a city in the history of city nicknames.)
Chris is up for the challenge. She calls him Quirky Chris. I like Jasmine. She does all the work for me. And this nickname rolls off the tongue better than Sexual Tongue, ironically. She should come up with a better nickname for Toronto.
Drew's foursome is loathsome. Not a one can carry a tune. They call themselves, unspectacularly, Bachelor Quartet. Benoit warbles in French, still under the misguided impression that his thick Quebecois accent is sexy. She says it's his "go-to move to impress the ladies." Yeah, because speaking in your first language is so impressive. The group is so bad that Drew doesn't stand out as any worse than anyone else.
Chris' group comes up with a great name: The Jazzmen. Or maybe they'd spell it The Jas Men. Not only can each one of them carry a tune, they also all give it a real reggae vibe.
But then she says the craziest thing. She says they both did such an incredible job. She even gives a fake pause as if she's mulling over her decision but eventually awards the right group with the win.
She tells Seth he stands out the most out of any person there. She likes that he gets along with the others but is kind of shy. He says he's totally shy. Then to prove his point, he kisses her and rams his decidedly Unsexual Tongue down her throat. She mumbles, "Not so much tongue." At least that's what we think she said. It was hard to understand her given the visiting tongue lodged in her mouth.
He said he was nervous. She told us it was not the kiss she was looking for. Well, lah-di-dah, Miss Picky.
Kevin, I think it was, walked in on the tongue attack. Awkward. So off goes Seth. Kevin asks Jasmine what she and Seth were talking about. She deflects, saying, "Let's just talk about us." Stung by what he witnessed, he said, "Is there an us?" He proceeds to grill her, but she likes it. And then they're interrupted by "Ten feet of Kyle."
She gives the group date rose to Kevin because of the questions he challenged her with. That caught him by surprise. He said the conversation is more important than making out with someone he doesn't know.
A smaller group date goes to the beach to sumo wrestle. Only because we're in Jamaica, it's called Jamaican Beach Wrestling. But make no mistake, it's sumo wrestling.
Kevin W says he's more of a lover than a fighter but his look belies his words. He's all muscly and has lots of tatts. Just goes to show: You can't judge a book by all its tattoos. The fellas call him Captain Canada because he's apparently an ex-marine, ex-Navy Seal, ex-doctor, and ex-nurse. I don't think all those things can be true.
The final is between Naked JP (who's mercifully not naked during the match) and Captain Canada. JP has no definition. Remember they dubbed him No-pack Shakur? Looks like Captain Canada would win easily but JP used to wrestle in high school so he knows what he's doing. And JP pulls out the victory.
Mikhel had his heart broken twice. Captain Canada has never cheated on a girlfriend but has been cheated on. He takes her away in the middle of the game. His backstory is he joined the military at 20 and served for five years. That's that.
She tells Captain Canada her parents split up and she was raised by her mom. Her father struggled with addiction and alcoholism and died when she was 12.
She tells Mikhel he's a super man and super hot, but she gives the rose to Captain Canada. Both roses were decided through conversation. And both went to guys named Kevin.
Cocktail party time. David had no date. He's the "Top that!" guy who played with a string trio. He asks her about her family. Dude, weren't you paying attention? We just saw her answer Captain Canada!
She tells Mikhel he looks like Clark Kent and didn't mean it as the insult it sounds like. She said, "If you knew how good looking you are, you wouldn't be as good looking as you are..." Or something like that. It was very meta.
She rubs the back of Mikhel's head, basically begging him to kiss her. He complies. His hands tremble, but this was the kiss she was hoping it would be.
Seth is feeling confident, but she tells him she wasn't thrilled with the awkward kiss. He agrees it was awkward and says he was distracted and that he wasn't even listening to her half the time she was talking. Bold move. Women love it when you tell them that. Seth, don't give away our secrets! You're breaking the Man Code!
Rose ceremony. Sexual Tongue, Captain Canada and Kevin P all have roses. The others go in order to:
- Clark Kent
- Benoit, who when asked if he'll accept her rose, answers with, "Avec plaîsir." Shut up.
- Ten Feet of Kyle
- Andrew... ?
- Top That!
- Cocky Drew
- Nudie JP
- Scott Who?
- Winnipeg Mike
- Quirky Chris
The After Show got their canned audience plugged in right off the top this week. And Jenn is more relaxed and fun. Although she's living up to the stereotype. I don't hear "oot and aboot" thing too much. It's a gross exaggeration when Americans say we say that. But I definitely heard it from Jenn.
Not much to report. Or anything, really. So I'll leave it at that. And I'll be back again some time before the airing of the fourth episode.
