Farmer Chris: All this for Chris?

Really looking forward to tonight's episode. Not because of anything the women might tell us, but because it's the light at the end of the tunnel. Only one more week! Fourteen more sleeps! (I nap a lot.)

A standing ovation for Chris. Harrison, that is. Is he bigger than the show? No, but I betcha he thinks he is. He tells us this is the most shocking season they've ever had. He almost keeps a straight face, too. I sense he's saying it tongue in cheek but the audience takes him seriously. Then again, if you're the type to go to a live taping of The Bachelor, chances are you buy it hook(er), (eye)line(r) and s(t)inker.

Now the tradition of crashing Bachelor viewing parties. A tradition that dates back a year or two. A totally unnecessary television event. How do they know where these parties are? And if they know where they are, they can't be a surprise. There are no surprises in network television. Chris worries that some of them might have guns. One lady old enough to be Chris' mother does have guns, so to speak, and kisses Chris smack on the lips.

At one party, a woman mistakes Carly for Becca. Or vice versa. I'm still not sure who's who.

At another, everyone starts chanting "Shot! Shot! Shot!" No guns, though, thank God. They're talking alcohol. One woman downs hers from the bottle. Then the gang goes chasing Chris' vehicle down the street.

Oh, get this: Harrison promises "the funniest bloopers in Bachelor history." If there's one laugh in them, he'll be right.

Here are the ladies: Nikki, Trina, Juelia, Tara, Amber, Megan, Samantha, Jordan, Ashley S., Jillian, Kelsey, Britt, Mackenzie, Ashley I., Jade, Carly, and Kaitlyn. I'm sure I'll remember them as they start crying.

Britt asks Carly why she pretended to be her friend. Carly says she didn't pretend. I love the ambiguity. She has plausible deniability where she can say, No, I wasn't pretending; I really liked you. When, in fact, she probably meant, I wasn't pretending and I didn't like you. The women go back and forth and start talking over each other. Harrison invites Britt up to the couch and asks her if she was falling in love with Chris. She says, "Absolutely." Who's buying that? But it quickly goes back to everyone talking over everyone else.

Jillian, on steroids, is "a little jacked up," according to Harrison. She defends the Dirty Hippy, and that makes Britt cry some more. Then she gives her résumé about coaching children, etc. in an effort to be chosen the next Bachelorette. (And I've got to say, since seeing her on Jimmy Kimmel Live, I'd support that. I like her.)

The Sexy Fake Virgin, who's sitting up very straight to keep her boobs from falling out of her vertically split blouse, brings up overhearing the Dirty Hippy talking about being happy with being single and saying she didn't want kids. Britt's got an answer for every charge. And a believable one, too. Then Carly says she doesn't wish Britt ill-will at all. But then they start talking about Arlington and it all deteriorates into a veritable she said/she said.

Harrison asks Britt if she thinks she'd still be with Chris if Carly weren't there and Britt says yes. She's crying a bit too much that my support for her Bachelorette bid is waning, but I still like her. I don't mind Carly, either – although certainly not as Bachelorette – even though I think she was jumping to conclusions. In fact, I don't think I actively disliked any of the women this season, crazy or manipulative though some may be.

We come back from commercial and Britt is still crying, hashing it out with Harrison. Okay, too much. But as my wife says, she's even pretty when she cries. Britt says she really thinks she could be with Chris if it weren't for Carly. Then she's escorted back to her seat and we get the count-in to live TV. What's that all about? Is that fair? Are there no private conversations even during a commercial break? Reminds me of Detective Frank Drebin in The Naked Gun leaving the podium with his mic on and taking a whiz while everyone out in the conference hall hears the whole thing.

Things don't promise to get any rosier with Kelsey in the hotseat. Harrison says the other women call Kelsey the Black Widow. I don't think I heard that before. It's a little below the belt, I'd say. In about her third sentence out of her mouth, she mentions the death of her husband. Thank God because we almost forgot. She cries and asks for a tissue. Harrison gives her his silk hanky and she blows her nose with it. He says, "It's yours now."

Even though she's crying (and sometimes laughing; it's kinda her thing), the other women just laugh at her. That's gotta be the worst. I'd think it would be easier to take irrational screaming than someone just laughing in your face. Some of the women are chomping at the bit, asking if they can speak. Harrison says, "Not yet," in a take-charge way. Hey, Harrison just said "chomping at the bit" right after I wrote it. Trust me, I wrote it first.

Juelia said Kelsey is one of the most calculated people and one of the fakest she's ever met. Megan says her mom, who lost her husband suddenly, couldn't fathom how Kelsey could use her husband's death like that and Megan suggests if she was still grieving, she shouldn't have come on the show in the first place. And the rest pile on. I do a cursory search for Sanderson Poe, Kelsey's deceased husband, and find out he died last May. Yeah, it does seem a bit soon to be publicly looking for love, but who's to say? As public defender Jillian says, everyone grieves differently.

Kelsey asks for forgiveness. The Sexy Fake Virgin says it's hard to forgive her. Then Kelsey reminds the Sexy Fake Virgin about something she said that was so "below the belt" (again, I used that expression before she said it; I guess I just like clichés). SFV had apparently suggested Kelsey's husband was fake. Superheroine Jillian comes to Kelsey's rescue. Here's the thing, though: Kelsey seems like a bad actress even if she's being completely honest. I'd absolutely love to see her as the next Bachelorette. That would probably be the best season ever, for all the wrong reasons.

Now for the comic relief. It's the nutbar Ashley S. This is her moment in the sun. It's what she wanted all along – her 15 minutes. We see a series of non sequiturs from her time on the show. She looks relatively sane watching the clips. Now we can get a better sense if this was all an act or not.

Harrison calls her "easily one of" his favourite women of all time. She hugs him and says, "It's nice to meet you." She is so acting. She brings him a "hosting gift": an onion. It's from her garden. Apparently. No matter what she says, everyone is in stitches. I don't get it. She mentions Mesa Verde and Vancouver Girl is busting a gut. She likes to ride bikes and Sexy Fake Virgin is in hysterics. You can't write that!

Harrison begs her to join them in Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd chants, "Do it, do it!" She says, "It's so weird." Harrison asks what? She says, "That we're on TV." He throws it to commercial and the audience laughs. But she was dead right.

Harrison broached the subject of whether or not she was an actress hired by the show and he says Meryl Streep couldn't have pulled that off. I'd never thought that before but after this segment, I can totally see how she's a plant. And all season she's reminded me of someone I can't put my finger on. An actress. Anyway, I'm sure it'll all come out in good time.

Now it's Playboy Jade's turn. Harrison calls it an "x-rated secret." Hyperbole much? She sure is cute, though. And naturally so. Better without makeup than with. She's maybe my favourite and one I'd love to be the next Bachelorette even if it'll never happen. But I'm sure she's a lock for Bachelor in Paradise. And maybe a feature Playboy spread now that she's got some fame.

I can't believe she's this broken up about the Farmer. It just doesn't add up. Then again, I can't believe any of them are. How does this guy warrant all the wailing and gnashing of teeth? I'm flummoxed.

Jade says she had a very strong connection with Chris, but wisely avoids saying she was falling in love with him because nobody would believe it. She was crushed after reading his blog when he said he was concerned about her family saying she was wilder than the shy girl she portrayed on the show. Because, um, well... not sure why.

Next the fun-loving Vancouver Girl. She's a fan favourite but I haven't really warmed to her. We see her intro to Chris where she tells him he can "plow the fuck out of my field any day." She says she masks emotions with humour. Hope she does that on the sofa with Chris. Enough with all this overwrought emoting.

VG tells Harrison she thinks about that last rose ceremony "every single day." EVERY SINGLE DAY! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! She says she was the most confident she'd ever been at a ceremony, and then she was sent home, blindsided. She says she was in love. IN LOVE! I DON'T GET IT! Everything about it breaks her heart, she says, and she's never been more nervous in her life than in anticipating Chris' appearance.

Now the man of the hour himself. Or two hours. He doesn't look good. A bit haggard, it looks to me. Britt starts and asks if she can join him on the stage. Now is everyone going to do that? Is this the start of a new tradition? She and Chris hug. Carly rolls her eyes. Boy, that's a long, quiet hug. She starts by telling him she understands why he did what he did. She says Carly duped her, too, so it's understandable if she duped him. Passive-aggressive points to Britt. Carly almost breaks down at that little composed dig. Chris tells Britt his decision had nothing to do with Carly and she says that makes her feel better, for some strange reason.

Vancouver Girl stays in her seat and tells Chris she had zero reason to believe she was done and she wants answers. He says there's no explanation, that he was falling in love with three women. He says he was throwing darts in the dark. Vancouver Girl looks skeptical. She asks why she didn't get the courtesy to be pulled aside earlier the way Andi pulled Chris aside to save him the humiliation. He says it's his first time being the Bachelor. He apologizes and says in hindsight it would have been the right thing to do. I don't know. I mean, of course it's the right thing to do. On the other hand, there's a show with a big part of it being a rose ceremony. If you let some take the easy way out, you're automatically "disrespecting" everyone else who has to leave the old-fashioned way. Either make the rose ceremony mandatory, or do away with it altogether. Can't have it both ways.

Chris tells Vancouver Girl he did the best he could in that moment. She looks a little more accepting. Vulnerability always works. And if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Jade's turn. She, too, asks to come to the stage because she doesn't want to talk at him, she wants to talk to him. Semantics. See what the Dirty Hippy started? Jade cries when she brings up his blog, where he said it was disturbing to hear her family calling her a wild mustang. She also didn't like how he described watching her naked videos and photos as "awkward." He stands by his claim that it was awkward. Nothing as awkward as that whole interaction, though.

Bloopers time. Let's see if there's a single laugh... One chuckle with the dolphin after a montage of Chris' laugh. So yeah, okay, it was the funniest bloopers in Bachelor history.

Harrison announces he has written a romance novel. Or at least a ghost writer has and he's attached his name to it. Oh joy. I can't wait to not read it.

Next week, it's like nothing we've ever seen before! Will it be the Real Virgin or the Cartoon Character? Apparently Chris is torn. Nope, never seen anything like that before. He hints that he might not ask either of them. Did you notice Harrison didn't ask Chris if he was happy with his choice tonight? There was no mention. Maybe his haggard looks were because he's a broken man yet had to go out there and put his best face forward.

We will find out in due course. Seven days. Fourteen more sleeps.