Bachelor in Paradise: Seriously?

I'm back. Not sure why. Then again, I'm not sure why there's a Bachelor in Paradise show, either. And how is it that these fine-looking human specimens can still be single after their television exposure? I think this whole franchise isn't about relationships at all. It's encouraging more people to stay single so they can be eligible for the small screen. Yet they were all saying they were looking to find love. I guess it's easier to find on TV because the lighting's so much better.

This show has the look of Fantasy Island, complete with Chris Harrison as Ricardo Montalban only without his Tattoo.

You know me. I have trouble remembering who the people are from week to week. By the time the Tell All episode comes out, I've forgotten three-quarters of them. So you can imagine what it's like for me on a show like this. Why not, as they're walking (or crawling) down the stairs, insert a little montage reminding us who they are with a snippet from their season?

I recognized some, though. First up was Clare. She heard it would be taking place at an ocean resort so she was there. But after frolicking (aka having sex) in the briny with Juan Pablo, Clare has been "focussing on getting back to being Clare." What better place to do that than on national TV (aka the very place that stopped her from being Clare the first time)?

I recognized Ben but have no idea what he did to make him the villain. I thought I'd search through my old posts for 'Ben' but due to the whole season with another Ben, it's too daunting a task. Was he the guy with a girlfriend? It's interesting that even though they all must have been the object of some iffy editing, they still believe what they see on the show when it comes to the others.

Marquel, from last season, was there with capri pants on. Dylan, from last season, brought his armpit sweat stains.

Two Michelles were there... eventually. I had to look them up. I called one of them Unbalanced Michelle and the other Crazy Michelle 2.0. I always had a thing for Unbalanced Michelle. I was glad to see her back, hoping for some full-blown nuttiness. That's not to be. But we've still got Crazy Michelle 2.0.

Who else was there? Graham, who I remember nothing of except a vague recollection that he was a stand-up fellow. Marcuszzz, who told us he's still not over Andi. He said since the show ended, he's not out having fun. Duh. You don't get that boring by going out and having fun. Daniella, who I recall being kinda funny. There was Sarah, who was always sweet but dull. And there's AshLee, who started out in her season with Sean as beautiful, serious, and normal but ended up broken and fragil and needy. I would think she and Marcuszzz would make a good couple if not for the age difference. They could sit around and be boring and beautiful together.

Then there were a few I swear were never on the show. It must be an experiment by the producers to see how many of us they can swindle. Just tell us they were on some season and we'll believe it. Seriously, does anyone remember Robert, Lacy or Elise? In fact, when Elise was overcoming her greatest fear – stairs – at the beginning, Harrison made it seem like this was something he was familiar with. Why wasn't I? I know my memory is bad, but I would have remembered something like that.

When Chris Harrison asked if they were all single, Unbalanced Michelle said, "Maybe." Everyone was thrown for a loop at this playful little remark. Harrison rephrased it: "Is everyone single now?" "Sure," Unbalanced Michelle said with a wink that wasn't there but should have been. Stand-up Graham stood up and moved to the other side of the room to get as far away from her as possible because he only wants really single people.

Lacy and her two besties were making quite the splash. She was (apparently) eliminated in the first rose ceremony on her season so she wanted to make sure she got noticed this time around. And boy, was she ever. Let's just say she won't be afraid of going in the water since she carries around her own floatation devices.

I loved (aka hated) how they keep track of their appearances. Someone asked Daniella what season she was on. She replied, "Season 17." Oh, right. Season 17. Got it.

AshLee appeared fragile (again) right off the bat. And a bit stalkery. She said, "I came here for Graham." How did she know he'd be there? I guess agents are involved. "My client will do the show if you can guarantee that X will be there." She said she follows Graham on social media and added, "We're meant to be." Totally sane.

The sweet, naive Sarah doesn't know what skinny-dipping is. She accused Lacy of skinny-dipping with Robert (or was it Marcuszzz?) but Lacy was clearing wearing a bathing suit. Maybe she thinks it's when someone thin goes swimming?

I liked Marcuszzz and Clare doing the play-by-play of another ocean romp. "This is better than reality TV," Marcuszzz said, somewhat perplexingly. How meta. "That's so cute," said Clare, wistfully thinking back to her time with Juan Pablo.

Clare got the first in a long series of date cards. She could pick a guy to go visit the ruins with. She picked Graham, which upset AshLee to no end. "I am so mad at him," she muttered to herself. "He couldn't stay loyal for 24 hours! In real life, I'd never speak to him again! She's not pretty, either!" And then she told Daniella (aka another person there), "Besides him, I'm the only normal person here."

Always quick with the quip, Daniella said this doesn't make her want to pursue Graham more: "I don't want to be murdered in my sleep."

Clare cried over this. She wasn't there to create drama, even though AshLee was the one creating drama. The editors would have us believe she gave a soliloquy to a raccoon, but I don't believe it for a second.

Then Clare did a very unusual thing for this show. She offered her date card to the sulking AshLee. Not in a spiteful way, either. A genuine offer. AshLee refused. So then Clare offered to take a different guy to the ruins. AshLee accepted that offer.

Clare broke the news to Graham that he was now on the outs, and Graham, the upstanding guy that he is, was a gentlemen. They embraced. Then Graham saw Ash walking on the beach and called out to her. She ignored him for as long as she could. He asked her if he had hurt her by accepting the date. AshLee didn't want to talk about it.

Graham then gave the first of what I'm sure will be many Paradise Lost references, adding he feels "über, ¨uber-uncomfortable." Two übers, count 'em. And three u's! He's literate and alliterative!

Clare offered the date to that guy named Robert, who accepted. So off they went. It was apparently gorgeous. Clare reported, "We walked out onto this beautiful vista. I don't even know what a vista is." She should ask Sarah.

Before climbing up a pyramid-like structure (maybe it was one), Clare noticed hundreds of fire ants all over Robert. So he threw his shirt and backpack onto the grass, safe from any more fire ants... Wait. That can't be right.

Then they got to the top and Clare turned into Mary Katherine Gallagher. I half-expected her to sniff her fingers as she said, "I'm literally speechless."

Later, Clare went to her go-to move and ran into the ocean with Robert.

Sarah chose Marcuszzz for her date card. They went to a cave pool. Or an "oasis," as Sarah called it. If you're keeping track at home, that's "skinny-dipping" and "oasis" Sarah's not clear on.

Lacy cried because the two guys she liked had been selected to go on dates. Poor Lacy. But not to worry. Robert assured Lacy that he didn't kiss Clare.

Show us the Money! It was time for Michelle Money (aka Crazy Michelle 2.0). She showed up and was promptly given a date card. She had a thing for Graham from their time on Bachelor Pad. (Boy, those two must be complete losers. They've had at least two seasons on network television and still are single.) But Crazy Michelle 2.0 says, "It's very clear we love each other." Then she and Graham do a secret handshake. It's not secret anymore.

But she asked Marquel on her date. They rode horses. That's all I got.

Lacy also got a date card. She was stumped. Would she ask Marcuszzz or Robert? "I"m 80-40," she said. I love it. I'm going to use that some time for sure.

She asked Robert. Marcuszzz, who was developing a little crush on her boobs, was disappointed. I forget what Lacy and Robert did, but I noticed Robert forgot to sunscreen his nose.

Apparently Elise and Dylan became a couple during the time.

Rose considerations were afoot. Each guy would give a rose to one of the women, but no woman could receive two roses. The remaining two would be sent home. With her rocky start with Graham, AshLee said she had some "last-minute conversating" to do. Another one to put in your lexicon.

Sarah told Marcuszzz that he should give his rose to someone he sees a future with, and not just give her one out of a sense of duty because they went on a date together. Marcuszzz told her point-blank that he likes Lacy "but you deserve a rose." Sarah was ecstatic because she was getting a rose, even if it's exactly what she told him not to do.

At the ceremony, Marquel was called to hand out the first rose, but Unbalanced Michelle spoke up saying she hadn't made a connection so was recusing herself from all further proceedings. Harrison asked her why, but there are no reasons with Unbalanced Michelle. So she left. Just like that. I was disappointed. Marquel said, "The coconut doesn't fall far from the crazy tree."

In her limo ride outta there, she hinted that her playful comment at the beginning might have been true. They asked her if she wanted to find love. She said, "It'll happen... Maybe it's already happened." And another invisible wink.

Back to the ceremony, Marquel gave his rose to Crazy Michelle 2.0, Graham gave his to AshLee as God tried to intervene with lightning right on cue, Dylan gave his to Elise, Marcuszzz had a big choice to make going ahead of Robert and he went with his heart and Lacy, Robert then gave his to Clare, before Ben and his red knickers was left with either Daniella or Sarah. "This sucks," he said, presumably talking about the situation he was in having to effectively send one of them home, and not about two undesirable choices. I wanted to see Daniella stick around, but he went with Sarah.

And that's all I got. Next week we will find out what went on with Unbalanced Michelle. Looks like she had a rendezvous with someone who then jumped out her balcony window and broke or sprained his ankles. I hope there's some way they can write her back into the show. That stuff is gold.