Did anyone catch the deflowering of Sean Lowe on Sunday?
That was riveting, wasn’t it? I confess I don’t pay too much attention to Bachelor/ette details, so I always
assumed it was Catherine who was holding out until marriage. Turns out it was
Sean. I had no idea he was that religious. Catherine was rip-raring to go, by
the sounds of things. Maybe Sean was, too. He was talking a big game, but when
pushed on his upcoming performance debut, he eventually admitted he might have
to take a mulligan. Awkward.
But back to regular programming. Juan Pablo was going to
take his 13 women off to an exotic locale. But “I cannot be happy right now,”
he said. That’s because he’d have to leave his darling daughter behind. But
she’s never far from his thoughts. I should do a Camila Count and time how long
it is between each mention of her. If you picked the under on two minutes,
you’d probably win.
We all know reality TV isn’t actual reality. We know that.
But as long as it tries to come across as reality, I can’t help but take it
literally and call them out when things are so obviously not real. I’m
convinced the girls are encouraged to scream like contestants on The Price is Right when they’re told
where they’re going. I mean, they always go somewhere interesting but really,
was there a need for giddy excitement for Seoul, South Korea? Was that a dream
destination for them?
Clare wasn’t even sure what Korea was. She squealed,
“Korea?! I don’t even have a kimono!” That makes as much sense as saying, “Korea?! I don’t even
speak Chinese!” Or, “Korea?! I don’t even like fish & chips!” Quick lesson:
Koreans wear something similar looking to the Japanese kimono, but it’s called a hanbok.
(They also speak Korean and eat kimchi.)
Juan Pablo was excited because he’s a man of the world –
except when he’s at home in the United States, where he does nothing but speak
Spanish, listen to Venezuelan music and eat Venezuelan food.
The first date was a group effort. And it also marks the
beginning of the end for Nikki, if not in JP’s mind, in the minds of all
viewers. What a whiny thing. She doesn’t thrive in group settings, she doesn’t
share well, she’s a bad dancer, the other five girls are “quite annoying” and
on and on and on. I used to like her. Not so much now.
How did JP decide on who to take on the date? He simply
chose all the blonde leggy ones that look almost identical. It’s too early in
the season for that. I’m still trying to figure out who’s who. Which leads us
to:
LITERALLY count: “We literally have zero concept of what could be happening.” – maybe Chelsie. Or maybe Kat. But I think Chelsie. VERDICT: Can you count concepts? “We have two concepts of what could be happening”? Not sure there, either. I’m struggling. As for the ‘literally’, I guess they literally don’t know what the date will entail, but they might have a concept. FAIL!
The women were going to get the opportunity to be backup
dancers with the insanely popular 21!... Who? You know, the biggest K-pop group
in all of the Koreas! They’re as big as the Spice Girls, we’re told. That is, in
the alternate reality where the Spice Girls were only popular in England and
not the international sensations they were in real life. 21 is so popular they
sell out malls all over South Korea. But when you think about it, their options
are limited. They sing in Korean, hardly the
lingua franca, which is spoken in two countries, the other one to their
north which is their sworn enemy. And South Korea is about the geographical
size of Portugal.
Kat, who knows how to shake her booty, is optimistic. “If
this is based on dancing skills, I’m feeling confident about the rose.” But it
never is. In fact, if you’re good at whatever the challenge is, that’s usually
a sure sign that you won’t get the rose. It usually goes to the worst. Hi
Nikki!
LITERALLY count: “Like, literally my childhood dream was to be, like, Britney Spears’ backup dancer. So now I get to be 21’s backup dancer.” – Kat. VERDICT: Like, I suppose. I can’t see into her dreams to know for sure, though.
I really liked how they all pretended that K-pop is
something. I mean, yes, it’s something in Korea and maybe to Koreaphiles, but
had any of them heard any K-pop before? (For my money, J-pop is far superior
but I’m biased because I used to live in Japan.) Still, 21 was just as known as
any of the other no-names this series offers us on an almost weekly basis.
Narcissistic Nikki (I love when a new nickname jumps out at
me) was sure that the cheering Koreans spread out over five mall storeys were
all there to watch her dance horribly. From what I saw, she was fine. And not a
single person in the crowd noticed.
Also interesting to see not a musician in site. Just
questionably talented cute singer/dancers probably lip synching to a recorded
track. And the crowd goes wild! K-pop: The Milli Vanilli of a new generation!
After the gig, JP and his posse head outside, where the
adoring masses are waiting for a glimpse of their heroines. No, not the Bachelor beauties. 21, of course. But
the Americans think otherwise. They make a run for it, à la the Beatles. Only
nobody gave chase.
At the after-party, Kat, who danced to the beat of her own
drummer during the show, wanted to let JP know she’s more than just fun and
games. Nikki thought otherwise, of course. Determined not to be so cliché as to
utter the dreaded “here for the wrong reasons,” she managed this: “Someone is
here for more fun rather than something real.” A bit clunky but we applaud the
effort.
To prove she’s not all fun and games, though, Kat outs her
father as a severe alcoholic who had seven DUI’s, lived with his parents, and
paid no child support. All the fun and games she exhibits actually couldn’t fit
in with the rest of her baggage.
Narcissistic Nikki was on the outs with everyone. Cassandra
called her catty, Danielle pegged her as a negative person, and Elise called
her the most negative person there. She was probably just feeling out of sorts
after having forgotten to pack her Clairol. Maybe that was her plan so she
won’t be stuck on another group date with the blondes again.
Proving she’d make a great mom, when JP asked Nikki how she
feels about Camila, she responded, “I’m a great diaper changer.” For those new
to the show, Camila is five years old.
Deal sealed. JP offers Nikki the rose. Elise said it best
when asked about it: “Yech.”
“I think everybody hates me right now but I’ve been myself,”
said Narcissistic Nikki. Yes, that’s the problem. Don’t be yourself. We liked
you before when you impersonated a nice, normal person.
Next up we got the requisite fake shower scene. JP was
obliviously lathering himself with a camera pointed right at him. Again, he
either showers with a bathing suit on, in which case ewww. Or he gets off on
showering nude in front of relative strangers.
He was prepping for his one-on-one date with Sharleen, who
was so excited to be chosen she said, stone-faced, “I’m happy.”
“I’ve liked Shar since day-one. She’s my favourite one right
now,” said JP.
“I’ve liked Shar since day-one. She’s my favourite one right
now,” said me, too.
“I don’t know if he’s the one for me,” said Shar, the Human
Robot. But I think it’s her rationality and difference that I like so much. And
I think that’s why JP likes her, too.
She opened up a little bit. We learned that as a kid, she
harmonized to Disney songs, won a bunch of singing competitions, and got her
Bachelors and Masters degrees in Voice Performance. JP tried to equate it to
soccer, but it was a reach.
She also did her best to compliment her suitor: “You are not
bland. And that is a very good thing,” said without a hint of emotion in her
voice.
JP then forced her to sing against her will. This is not
something she usually does on the first date. She will put out, presumably, but
no singing! “Mister, this is our first real date!” she told him. The woman has principles.
So she warms up briefly, gets JP to close his eyes and she
wanders away in the tea house, then lets loose with two bars of
glass-shattering goodness. “You’re good,” JP, the expert, opines. Audition
over. Or maybe his eardrums couldn’t take it any more. They kiss.
“I can definitely say, after having done sufficient
research, that Juan Pablo is a good kisser,” Sharleen said. She thinks they
have “a shot” to fall in love. Such a romantic!
“My skepticism is fading rapidly,” said Mrs. Spock. JP told
her she’s “different.” She said, searchingly, “But not weird different.” He
reassured: “Not weird… A little weird.” Ah, the chemistry between man and
cyborg is beautiful to behold!
Then proving that this “curious” South American man of the
world can’t tell us North Americans apart, he asked her, after she spoke of her
hard time at first living in Berlin, if she misses the United States. She
didn’t feel the need to inform him that Ottawa, her hometown, was actually the
capital of Canada, which is actually a separate country because in his world,
there’s Venezuela and everywhere else.
Shar is so great, though, she couldn’t even bring herself to
fib when he begged the question by asking her how many kids she wants. They
were sitting six inches apart from each other, completely alone, and she
answered, “Me?” She turned the question back on him. He wants two more. But he
didn’t forget that she dodged the question and asked her again. “I’ve never
even thought about it,” she said. She’s so career focused, everything else,
including relationships, has taken a backburner.
She even dated a guy once with a 4-year-old daughter. Now
was her chance to say how much she loved that kid and things just didn’t work
out, blah, blah, blah. But her inner robot insisted, “Cannot tell a lie… cannot
tell a lie…”. So she said she wasn’t ready for it.
And with that, the man who is looking for a mother for his
daughter picked up the rose and began. “I like that you’re different, you have
class… BUT I appreciate your honesty. Will you accept this rose?” Hey, conjunctions
are tough for the ESL learner. Cut him some slack. Despite her ambivalence
towards the very thing JP holds sacred, he said, “I feel fantastic about
Sharleen.” He said they might be soul mates.
By the way, last night was the first time I’ve noticed his
faux-hawk. Is it new or has he always sported it? I don’t know why I associate
faux-hawks with soccer players, but I do.
The last date was another group one. It started with the
gang at a karaoke box. As mentioned above, I’ve lived in Japan. I’ve done karaoke
boxes. I’ve sung English songs there. For some reason, they decided to “sing”
and dance to K-pop songs no one knew. Yeah, who doesn’t love to sing to songs
they don’t know? Put it in a language you don’t know and it’s even more fun.
Next they went to have the dead skin off their feet eaten by
fish. Always a fun time. Apparently, Den Mother Renee has the tastiest (i.e.
stinkiest) feet because the fish flocked to her digits.
As they were walking through the crowded streets, the
territorial Clare told JP not to make them eat octopus. Please, no octopus! And
don’t look in that box! Whatever you do, don’t look in that box!
Of course, along came the giant octopus to put terror in
Clare’s heart. Everyone took their little nibble from a toothpick, but Clare
put a big production into refusing. She eventually did, but ended up spitting
it into her hand.
LITERALLY count: “Clare is the most dramatic person I’ve ever seen. Her piece was literally this big” – holding her fingers an inch apart – “and I know you’ve swallowed bigger things than that.” – Kelly, the dog lover, who was wise not to bring her pooch to Korea lest she be forced to sample it. VERDICT: Close but no cigar. Clare’s piece was a bit bigger than that.
At night, Renee the Den Mother got some alone time with JP.
She still hasn’t kissed him, even though I would think she’s got to be a
front-runner.
She mentioned missing her son. A little bit. “The hardest
part is being away from Ben,” she said, before dismissing it with, “But it’s
getting easier.” Out of sight, out of mind! A couple more weeks and she’s not
even going to remember having a son.
Instead of aggressively going in for the elusive kiss, she
played coy: “How would Camila feel if I kissed you?” she asked. Bad move. First
of all, how would she even know? Secondly, a kid isn’t going to like anyone
kissing that way.
“I would like to kiss Renee, but I’m thinking about Camila,”
said JP. I don’t know if she put the thought in his head or he wasn’t going to
kiss her anyway. He’s already kissed six of the 13 remaining women, but no more
tonight, he said rather unfairly.
Next up was Andi’s turn. The D.A. really gets his sense of
humour, and not everybody does. They reclined in each other’s arms naturally
talking about life. JP revealed he loves to sleep in. Which is why, I guess,
he’s looking for that step-mother to his child.
Lauren the Piano-Pusher also hasn’t had a kiss. Hell, she
hasn’t had much of any contact with JP. Even though she’s not the most
aggressive, she decides to give it the old college try. They start to slow
dance and she asks for a kiss in Spanish. “Sorry, I have a daughter,” he tells
her. Ouch. Apparently his daughter has a strick half-dozen cut-off when it
comes to smooching with virtual strangers.
Lauren was upset. JP fathered her, as only JP can. But she
was sensible after. She didn’t blame him or any of the other gals. “Why’d I do
that,” she said once she regained her composure. “I feel like a fucking idiot.
I might have blown it tonight.” No, that’s doubtful, too, Lauren. He has a
daughter, remember.
Cocky Clare was not just going to try to kiss him; she was going to kiss him, come hell or high
water. Remember, it was Clare who put this no-kissing idea into Juan Pablo’s
head to begin with when she held out earlier. But now she wanted it. “I said no
kissing but I didn’t say for how long,” she rationalized.
The strong-willed JP, thinking of his daughter, caved to his
inner caveman. “But she is sexy, she’s hot… I couldn’t help it,” he said.
Camila would be so proud of her papa. At least Clare was one of the original
dirty half-dozen.
So who would the rose go to? You’d think Clare, right?
Wrong. He surprised the pundits giving it to Andi. Granted, they had a really
nice chemistry even without the kissing.
At the cocktail party, the three pre-rosed women, Nikki,
Sharleen and Andi, agreed not to sabotage it for others whose futures were
still up in the air. Very sporting, I thought. In fact, if I were Bachelor (and
is there any good reason why I shouldn’t be? I mean, apart from being married
and all), I would put that condition on it. I will not see anyone who already
has a rose. No exceptions. Consequences: I’ll take away your rose. It’s just
the kind of straight shooter I am.
But Narcissistic Nikki quickly breaks ranks and goes in for
the kill, interrupting Cocky Clare. When she gets to JP, he tells her he knows
that things in the house are heating up. “I think things in the house are fine,”
she lies.
Clare won’t take it sitting down: “Don’t mistake my kindness
for weakness,” she says, and proceeds to get under the blanket with Nikki and
gently and kindly suggest that Nikki is “one way with the girls and one way
with him.” You go girl! Zzzzz….
With three already rosed, there’d be eight more roses to
hand out. Here’s who they went to:
- Den Mother Renee
- Chelsie
- Kelly the dog lover
- Danielle
- Cassandra
- Allison
- Cocky Clare
- Kat
Which means we have to say goodbye to Lauren the Piano-Pusher
and Ms. Elise. Elise was “bummed.” But her mother didn’t want her to be around
such negative ugly people. Yes, ugly. “Not on the outside, but inside.” Lauren
was hurt and wished she hadn’t pressed for a kiss like she had. “God, I made so
many mistakes.” Both seemed fine at first but the more they talked about, the
more teary they became. My wife thought the Den Mother Renee should have been
assigned to walk each one out to console them.
Next week: A tour of duty in Nam! Squeals of delight! Viet
Nam!
