Week 3: Reaching new depths...

Sorry I'm a tad late with this. Paid deadlines took precedence. But don't think I didn't give my full attention last night. I certainly did. So let's not waste any more time and get to it.

Bentley's gone. Oh, sorry, should I have written 'spoiler alert'?

But it's not about surprises. We all knew he was going. What was up in the air was how much of a douchebag he'd be. Turns out he's one of the douchiest bags in franchise history. There have been other villains but none so brazenly callous. If this guy's goal was to publicize a business, he failed. For one, did they even mention it? I'm sure it's Googleable (what isn't?), but even if we find out, how far could you trust this businessman when he's so clearly a lying, deceitful prick of the highest order? And why would he act like this? He lives in Salt Lake City. I've never been there but I get the impression it's a pretty moral, Christian place. Won't he be the scourge of his neighbourhood? Don't they have stonings there?

Am I being harsh? Maybe. Who knows. I'm sure we'll hear his side of the story and he'll come out looking like he was the real victim here. Afterall, look how lovable Wes became after he left the show. But this is going to take a team of PR experts to dig Bentley out of this hole.

And what a shining example of a father he is to his little girl! He even went so far as to say he wasn't returning home because of her. In other words, he'd stay if he were more into the chick. He used that child to play on the sympathy angle with both Ashley and the guys. But let me take his side for a moment: People make up excuses all the time when breaking up with someone in order to spare their feelings. He had the best interest of Ashley in mind when he lied to her.

Okay, enough taking his side. Now I'll argue the point: The difference is that he was being followed around by a network camera crew and knew his true words would be broadcast back to the very person he was trying to protect.

Which leads to the dot, dot, dots. That was the biggest jerk move of all time. Again, maybe you could argue he was just trying to soften the blow to Ashley by hinting that, who knows, maybe somewhere down the line they could get together. But of all the rotten things that guy did, that was the low-down rottenest. So now she goes back to the others, already reeling and thinking there's not enough time to heal from the rejection and fall in love again, and has it in the back of her mind that she can always get back to the love of her life when the filming is done, not knowing he's not interested in the slightest.

But... but... is it all on him? I would argue that the producers, and Chris Harrison for whatever influence he exerts, are also culpable. Yes, Ashley needs to make up her own mind, she's an adult, yada, yada, yada. But the staff selected this guy and he made it clear from the beginning that he wasn't into her. Isn't their mandate to hook people up? Don't they at least claim they want the best for their contestants? I realize "good TV" also factors into the equation. But at some point, don't they have a responsibility to tell her this guy is playing her like a fiddle? I mean, if he had received a rose, there was a good chance he'd be banging her like a drum, too, given his ever-so-classy line when she straddled him while bawling: "I was in a really good position to start something."

Some more porcine comments from Bentley and guileless statements from Ashley (some paraphrased):

• "I completely fell in love with Bentley. I would take off with him to Salt Lake City tomorrow." – Ashley
• "Fricking idiots" – Bentley on the other guys in the house
• "She looks like an ugly duckling to me." – Bentley on Ashley
• "It's annoying to hold a girl that's just crying and crying and crying when I've already checked out." – Bentley
• "Bentley literally sweeps me off my feet." – Literally?
• "I'm not gonna pass up an opportunity to mess with her head." – Bentley
• "He's really comforting. He's such a real guy." – Ashley
• "Was I wrong about everything?" – Uh, pretty much.

And if the producers don't tell Ashley about Bentley's true intentions while it's happening (or better yet, just tell him to leave), they at least have the obligation to inform her of his views after he left. Chris Harrison sat down with Ashley and it looked like he was dying to tell her what he knew. But all he offered was that Bentley's line was "such a guy thing to say." He needed to tell her just so she could move forward and not hold out hope. Harrison loves to play up the friend angle. He becomes buddies with all of the Bachelors and Bachelorettes. Well, a true friend would spill the beans.

Oh, man, look at me getting all worked up!

One reason this post is late is because I was working on a story that's semi-Bachelorette related. But only coincidentally so. Jeffrey Ross, the Roastmaster General who appeared last night, is coming to town and I interviewed him last week. The Bachelorette wasn't the focus of the story, but I asked a couple questions near the end of our chat anyway. No great quote here, but for what it's worth:

GM: I see on Monday you’re going to be on The Bachelorette.
JR: Yeah, is that airing already? How did you spot that? They haven’t even told me that. It was really fun, man. Taking the roasting into new environments. I’ve roasted on Dancing with the Stars, now I’ve roasted on The Bachelorette, I just did a part on Family Guy where I roast one of the characters. It’s beyond my imagination what roasting could be.

GM: How does something like that happen? Did you approach the producers and say, ‘Hey, how about this?’
JR: Oh, no, it was totally their idea. They had read my book about roasting and giving tips to amateurs for throwing their own roasts. So one of the producers tracked me down and said, ‘Would you be interested in throwing a roast of the Bachelorette?’ And I was thrilled. Who cares if you piss her off? If she’s gonna cry, you just get more camera time.

GM: Did you help the bachelors with the writing of the jokes?
JR: I actually coached them beforehand on tips for making a woman laugh. If you can make a woman laugh at herself you can virtually make her do anything. I think that’s an old Marilyn Monroe quote. And it worked. I feel like she was very enamored by a couple of the guys who were on the funny side. Funny guys often do better than good-looking guys with the chicks.

GM: Yeah? You think so?
JR: I know so.

GM: I thought they just laugh at anything a hot guy says even if he’s not funny.
JR: I laugh at everything every girl says.

Ross is hilarious. Check out this series of Tweets from last night (I've edited out all the crazy Twitter symbols because they're confusing to an oldster like me). They're all from Jeff:

• Tonight on The Bachelorette I coach the guys on how to make Ashley laugh at herself until she winds up in tears. Airs primetime on ABC.
• anybody watching bachelorette ? never seen it before. are these people robots? why is this guy talkin w his mouth full? when do i come on?
• why are these people kissing? do they know they are on tv or his this hidden camera? i'm confused. when do i come on?
• i love this show. when do they fuck?
• if i were a contestant on this show i'd wear a mask too.
• that was fun. i told william not to do that joke.
• It was fun. All those roses made me thorny.

Which leads us to the roast. William made Ashley cry, sure, but it was a freakin' roast! If you're that insecure about something, don't agree to be roasted. I realize roasting in the hands of amateurs is problematic at best, but nobody was intentionally trying to hurt her. As soon as he finished, she invoked the soup nazi, saying, "No rose for you!" But William was right in replying, "It was a roast, not Compliment Ashley night."

Through the use of the PVR pause button, I could make out another joke William was working on. We only saw the final edit so who knows if he used it but I thought it was a decent take. He wrote that Ashley looked so young he was afraid Chris Hanson would show up any time at the house. Maybe ABC didn't want to give any publicity to NBC's Hansen, but the joke had potential. It was a back-handed insult (i.e. a compliment).

But really, William, nothing you could say could undo what you did? How about an apology? How about looking her in the eyes and telling her those jokes were absolutely not true? You figure even if that couldn't undo what you did, it's at least a start.

And how about the masked man? He reveals himself and Ashley thinks he looks older. He should have worn an old wrinkled mask for comparison's sake. I don't even know if he's right when he says true love starts from the inside. I think he may have it reversed. The start is usually physical and then it can increase or decrease depending on what the inside reveals. His problem was that he exhibited no discernible personality.

No surprise, then, that Jeff, the masked man, was sent home. Even though he said wearing the thing was an "amazing life-changing experience", that didn't stop him from throwing it in the fire on his exit. The other loser was Chris D., was was "stunned" and "defeated" having lost to William.

And that's all I got. I can't wait to see the penultimate episode with all the outcasts. That is, if Bentley shows up. A media whore like him wouldn't dare pass up the opportunity, would he? I bet he even does a tearful mea culpa.