Bachelor Ben: The Women Tell All

Women tell all! Don't they always, am I right, people?! I'm an hour late getting started, so no spoilers please while I'm watching. I just hope Caila is coping. And I hope they announce her as the next Bachelorette already. Give me a reason to live.

Ah, that's the expression.

Apparently Ben is going to make a startling revelation that will shock us all. Why don't I believe that? Twice bitten, once shy. Is that the expression? Hey producers, we're going to watch the episode anyway. No need for false promises.

Oh, and apparently next week will be a dramatic and "unexpected" conclusion. Whatever.

First though, we are put through Chris Harrison and Ben crashing some Bachelor viewing parties, something that must be more fun in person that it is watching on TV.

Now we meet the returning losers. And a chicken. I forgot about the "chicken enthusiast." Also forgot about many of the faces. I remember a Canadian being on the show but I don't remember her looking like that. Actually, I'm not sure what she looks like tonight. I'm blinded by the lights.

We get a rundown, the Coles Notes (Cliff Notes if you're in the US) on everyone. I'm reminded of why Leah got a cool reception from the live audience. She's the one who outright lied to Ben about Lauren. Good to know.

First pile-on is Olivia, the news woman. But it's interrupted by the chicken. They'll get back to her. They touch on Leah, then Jubilee. It gets racial. So Jubes is going to get a shot up on the couch.

Two mixed-race contestants, Jami and Amber, say Jubilee bragged about being full-black. Or something like that. I didn't quite get it. Jubes is feeling attacked. She apologizes and adds, "I do say offensive things." She tells Chris Harrison she's a controversial person. We get the Jubilee montage. It ends with her copy of Ben's quote that she feels like she's the most unloveable person in the world. She's getting a lot of airtime. Too much. It's basically so Chris Harrison can give her a stern pep talk, a shot of self-confidence.

Next up on the hotseat is crazy Lace. I forget why she's crazy, so cue the montage. Oh right, the drinking and the stalking. She claims that wasn't her we saw. Probably good to stress that for any future husband out there. Now she says she's a changed woman. She's dated some people, and tries to stay away from the word 'crazy.' They talk about her tattoo that says you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. She's a real original. Someone in the audience (I think) tells her she's crazy but she's crazy beautiful. He shows her a tattoo he got of her face on his stomach. Speaking of crazy... Like attracts like.

Harrison asks if she'd go on Bachelor in Paradise. She accepts. Oh joy. Then we can see how changed she truly is.

And now it's old Stank Breath Ugly Toes, Olivia. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of those charges. The table is blocking the view of her noxious feet. She's pretty emotional, and that's even before the women start on the attack. She says it was brutal watching the season. As she talks, several of the women are snickering at her. Amanda says Olivia said that guys should be running the other way because she's got kids. She wants Olivia to know that "Being a mom is my jam." Peanut butter and jam, am I right?!

Jennifer tells Olivia that had she gotten to know the others, she would have found out that "we like to read books and talk smart things, too." The twins in particular are steamed at Olivia for being disrespectful. As Olivia talks about being bullied as a child, Chris Harrison looks extremely bored. He's not saying much. She says, "To pick on my body, to make fun of my breath and my toes and my breasts, it sucks." Wait a second, who said anything about her breasts? And what did they say?

Olivia says she didn't do the show right. Newsflash! This just in! But there's no closure on her feet or breath.

Okay, quiet everyone! Caila is up! She's looking chipper. So far, anyway. Less so after her montage. She says she still loves Ben in a way. And by "in a way" I think she means "in every conceivable way." She says it hurt a lot that he told the other two he loved them. She still lights up at the mention of his name.

Now here's Ben to face his exes. Ben addresses Caila, telling her all the usual stuff, about how much she meant to him, blah blah blah. He appreciates her. Hey, you had your chance, Ben. Back off.

Leah throws her outright lie back in Ben's face, asking why he revealed her outright lie to the girls. Nobody laughs at the sheer gall of this question.

Jubilee wants to know why she wasn't afforded the same courtesy as Caila and JoJo when they pulled away from Ben a bit and he pulled them in closer. Ben reminds her he did just that.

Olivia, Amanda, Becca and Lauren B give their pleasantries. Nothing interesting. Now I see why they have to waste so much time with crashing Bachelor parties.

Ben reveals he's happy and in love and he would marry that woman tomorrow if he could. That's the startling revelation? See what I mean. He basically just used hyperbole to express his love for the woman he asked to marry and Chris Harrison, literalist that he is, tries to hold him to it.

Blooper time. Or as it's called in our house, bathroom break. Lots of belches and unpredictable insects. Hilarious in the complete opposite meaning of that word.

Chris Harrison says Ben is on the Mt. Rushmore of Bachelors. I think I'd agree with that. He was a good one. Who would be the other three? One's gotta be Juan Pablo. Beyond that, I'm stumped. If we want to make a Bachelorette Mt. Rushmore, it's gotta be Jillian and Caila (I'm confident) and that's all I got.

Next week we find out which remaining woman Ben loves more. Who's it going to be? I think it should be Lauren, but what do I know?

But the most important question still remains: Will Caila be the next Bachelorette? I'm hoping that's answered next week.

Sorry for the uninspiring entry tonight, but I'm only as good as the show.