Bachelorette Desiree: The prosecution never rests

Willkommen! We're in Germany this week. Actually, I'm sitting on my couch at home but wouldn't it be wonderful if The Bachelorette paid me to blog from on location? Hell, wouldn't it be cool if anyone paid me to blog from anywhere? But I digress.

It was a big old sausage party in Munich as Des and her ten dates wandered around the Bavarian capital. She continued to wear her Puss In Boots-style footwear, which aren't the most flattering but her charisma and cutesiness override any fashion miscues.

Her first date was with Cross-Dressing Chris, who managed to stay out of women's heels this week. Des likes him because he's "cute, goofy, funny and himself." They did, though, dress up in traditional German costumes for fun. Because that's what you do on dates, I've learned through years of watching this franchise.

There was some drama on the date, but not with Chris. Rather Broodin' Bryden felt the need to leave Munich soon after getting there. Not only that, it couldn't wait until after her date. He hit the town asking passersby if a) they spoke English, and if yes, then b) had they seen television cameras anywhere in town. They all resisted the temptation to respond, "Yes, look over your shoulder. There's one right behind you."His queries eventually struck gold when a man pointed him in the direction of the town square (I'm guessing), where Desiree and Chris were blissfully dancing alone while the local citizenry looked on aghast.

In classic foreshadowing, Chris said, "I don't think anything could go wrong."

Broodin' Bryden interrupted them. I believe that's a first on a private date, isn't it? Either way, it's extremely rare. You can imagine the surprise and anger that must have caused. Actually, it caused neither. Both seemed happy to see him. Des let out a big, "Yeah!" and Chris gladly handed over his date to the interloper.

Bryden then broke up with her. Poor girl was devastated: "Alright, bye Bryden," she said. Okay, it wasn't that dramatic at all. But she did tear up in the interview. Still, she was fine. And when Chris told her he was there for the long haul, any hurt she might have felt all disappeared.

She told Chris her last boyfriend had been unexpressive. He couldn't say, "I love you" and had a hard time dishing out a compliment. This inspired Chris to read from a prepared script. What's worse, it was a poem. And what's even worser is that it was an original poem, i.e. clunky sentences strung together with a lame rhyme at the end of each. The poem was entitled, "Thoughts So True." I think that tells you enough right there. Des actually teared up listening to it, but that's probably because she was still thinking about Bryden. Or else there was a whiff of onion in the air. It couldn't have been due to that piece of written garbage.

But no, it was! She loved it. It only got worse from there. They got a private concert from some American singer. They're in Munich and they get Matt White? I know Marlene Dietrich is dead but surely there's someone with a bit of Euro-flair they could have used. Or how about an oompah-pah band?

Oh, and of course Chris got the rose.

True love

The group date went to the top of Germany's tallest mountain, where they met the Slim Whitman of Germany who yodelled and doled out marriage advice (a woman should do whatever the man wants). Then they took to mini-toboggans and slid down an icy path. Des lost control and crashed, as did some others. Which prompted Zak (new nickname to follow) to draw another patented Bachelor/ette analogy: Love is like sledding down this hill. I guess it makes sense given the show's success rate. Love is beautiful (the view from the mountain top) and new (tobogganing), and soon after falling in love (heading down the mountain) you crash (break up).

Then they went to an ice hotel. I'm just glad this wasn't in Canada. Americans already think we're a frozen tundra. Now they can think that of Germany for a while.

Brooks got the first private time with Des. He started talking and she shut him right up by grabbing him around his neck and yanking him towards her eager mouth. That's her go-to move, it seems.

Meathead Mikey looked the most freshly shaved I've ever seen him. He felt he deserved the rose because he's had to "sweat out every rose ceremony" so far. If you're keeping track at home, that's his second "sweat" reference in as many weeks.

While he was having his tete-a-tete with Des, we could see Zak in the distance preparing for his unique interruption. Instead of the usual, he cupped his hands to his mouth and yodelled over to her. Mikey smiled but during the interview he was miffed, calling Zak a "jackass." Which leads to the new nickname: Zakass.

Zakass then revealed to Des that in college he had thoughts of becoming a priest. To do some soul-searching, he took a trip to Europe, climbed a mountain and reflected. It was then that he decided instead to devote his life to his abs.

I mentioned a couple of posts ago I thought Zak looks really old. That revelation cemented it for me. No young people are becoming priests anymore. I told you the guy is probably at least 55.

Meanwhile, James became the focus of attention. He supposedly mentioned that if he came in the top four, he'd have a good chance of becoming the next Bachelor. He denies it, but it rankled the guys. Presumably, that has never crossed their single-purpose minds before.

Brooks described James as "cutting, short and vulgar" when he's around the fellas. Imagine that, a man being vulgar around other men! I've never heard tell of such base actions before! He sounds like an absolute scallywag. Pardon my language.

Brooks was the lucky recipient of the group date rose.

The last date was the dreaded 2-on-1, where one person was guaranteed to go home. It was between mortal enemies Type I Michael (whose nickname derives from his medical condition but also applies to his personality trait) and Big Bad Ben, whose smug demeanour rubs everyone the wrong way. Ben said he was going to treat the date as a 1-on-1 with Michael as just an onlooker. Didn't exactly turn out that way.

Michael, a federal prosecutor, went into full-on attack mode. He threw around terms like murder, prosecute, guilty, fraud and Armageddon. That kind of strategy may work well in the courtroom but it really backfired on the date. Don't get me wrong, he still won his case, but he didn't win over any fans. Ben wasn't suckered into Michael's argumentativeness. He sat meekly by as any- and everything was turned into an assault on his character. Michael finds Ben "repulsive" and he couldn't hide his disgust.

The date started on the frosty lake in a hot tub boat, probably the greatest invention I've ever seen, and then moved indoors. Throughout both, Michael wouldn't let up. He called Ben an "absentee father who uses his son" and called into question his professed faith. That last one prompted Ben to excuse himself and go out to catch some fresh air and gather his thoughts. Des was uncomfortable and looked not at all happy with Michael's button-pushing.

When it came time to hand out the rose, I thought neither one would get it, but if someone had to, it would be Ben. To my surprise, the judge ruled in the prosecution's favour. When she made her decision, Ben got up, said, "Continue dinner. It's okay. I'm fine," and walked out. When Des saw him outside, he graciously said goodbye. He seemed like the Christian gentleman he purports to be.

Inside the limo, though, was another story. Were his true colours revealed? His first words were, "Do you want me to sit here and look unhappy? I'm not." He then proceeded to get bleeped a few times, made a reference to Hollywood (no idea what he meant by it), then suggested he makes the most out of his last night in Munich by getting drunk.

All the guys back at the lodging celebrated when they saw Ben's bags being carted away. Kasey, the Hashtag man, didn't like how Ben was there to promote his business. Did you catch the irony? A marketing guy who hashtags his way through life doesn't approve of self-promotion.

The rose ceremony would take place in a beautiful castle. But Des didn't need no stinkin' cocktail party.  What the hell is up with that? She didn't want to put them through such an ordeal. Now, tis true, I've never been a part of one, but is it such an ordeal? Plus they've got the loan of this amazing building and she just wants to hand out roses and go home? Boo to that.

Some of the men didn't like it, either, because they wanted time to warn her of James' perceived deceit. But no such luck. And since she wasn't warned – this time or any time previous to this – we can now conclude once and for all that producers make the final call on the order of roses handed out. James was selected last, leaving us in breathless anticipation. Last is usually reserved for those controversial types. But in Desiree's eyes, anyway, he wasn't controversial in the slightest. She knew nothing. The fix is in, people!

So, as you know, Brooks, Chris and Michael were pre-rosed. Bryden had already removed himself from the competition (what are the odds he comes back, by the way?) and Ben was given the boot. That left five roses to hand out, and one gentleman to be sent packing. They went in order to:

1. Zakass (Father Zak)
2. Hashtag (Kasey)
3. Sexy Soccer man (Juan Pablo)
4. The Jaw (Drew)
5. Big James

That meant the likable Meathead Mikey would not advance. Do you wonder if being a plumbing contractor led to his exit?

Drew was pissed. He said, "James is a cancer and he's put Des in a spell." He characterized the big fella as an "immature, shallow, materialistic, self-serving piece of shit." And those are his good points!

Next week: Barcelona. Methinks Juan Pablo will figure prominently in this one. And the requisite tears.