Bachelorette Canada: Here we go

I'm getting into a real bad habit here not posting a recap until the day before the next episode airs. So sue me! But before I get to it, I received a comment on the last blog post that I should copy and paste here for anyone interested:

Just thought you and your readers should know! We are excited to announce #Bachelorweek, a chance to talk face to face with your favorite cast members from seasons past, all from the comfort of your own living room. Live on Bidchat.com! Former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants will be live throughout the week, starting on 9/19. You can watch for free, or bid in to meet them face to face! Proceeds go to #smiletrain. @Bidchat

Promo Video here: https://www.facebook.com/Bidchat-746770305450967/

There you go. Now on with the show.

Canada has played host to two other Bachelor seasons but this is the first for a Bachelorette Canada. Exciting, right? We'll see. It airs on the W network, whatever that is. I searched for it and set the PVR up to record. Then, since I was at the TV at the scheduled start time, I just turned to that channel. The information guide said it was Bachelorette Canada but what was airing was Sex and the City. Almost the same thing but not quite.

I had to search and search before I found it. By the time I got there, the great Jillian Harris was giving advice to our own Bachelorette, Jasmine. This is going to be the greatest episode ever, I thought (since Jillian was the greatest Bachelorette in Bachelorette history).

I may have jumped the gun a little bit. It seems slicker (in a bad way) than the old version and the American versions. But time will tell. It's hard getting used to new digs and a new host. Not even old whatsisname from the two previous Canadian versions was back. There was some new dude. A guy by the name of Noah Cappe. So far, no personality but in fairness, he was probably as nervous as Jasmine. Oh, and Noah appears to be a giant. Either that or Jasmine is a tiny, perfect person.

Twenty "amazing men from across the country" converged on Vancouver to meet our heroine. I think the show should have had a token American or Russian on, just as the American version always has a token Canadian or Russian.

The limos pull up in the rain. Did I mention this was Vancouver? You know, for those of you outside city limits, Vancouver has a probably deserved reputation for its rain. That being said, the sky is blue all summer long without fail. Maybe the producers can look into shooting during the summer months in the future to help our bad rep.

And here we go. Filing out of the limousines were:

1. Kevin, a firefighter from Waterloo. I believe they said he is also an ex-marine. I had no idea Canada had marines. "I wasn't nervous till I seen you," he said as I cringed. He should have added "eh" to complete it.
2. Wale, pronounced Wall-eh?, a 28-year-old occupational therapist from Winnipeg, who loves to say wow.
3. David, a 26-year-old musician from Windsor. He's so normal he had to repeat his name four times in hopes that Jasmine would remember him.
4. Drew, a 32-year-old vice president of a medical company. A born salesman, he's a bit too much. Says he can sell ice to an "Eskimo." I think he means Inuit.
5. Benoit exits the vehicle to the accompaniment of French accordion music because he's from Quebec. Uh... okay. He's a 29-year-old maitre d' in a high class Montreal restaurant. He speaks French to Jasmine in his thick Quebecois accent. Not too sexy.
6. Mike, a 29-year-old shirtless firefighter/paramedic from Winnipeg pays the limo driver to take off with the other guys in the back. The limo driver does. But he comes back.
7. Andrew, a 29-year-old from Toronto, arrives with a red box. We don't find out what's inside.
8. Taylor, a 31-year-old oil field equipment manager from Collingwood, Ontario, wherever that is.
9. Kyle, a true giant from Hamilton. He's old and tall. 36 and 6-foot-7. He has two cats that he treats like his children, of which he has none. He knelt down when meeting tiny Jasmine.
10. Kevin P. is the only Vancouverite. He's a 35-year-old deckhand who plays the ukulele. He wrote her a song that's actually pretty good. He's smooth. Then he goes inside and pukes his guts out; claims food poisoning.
11. Chris is a 30-year-old inventor from Calgary whose big invention is a burning rose. Good luck with that.
12. Dana, 30 years old from Gatineau, backflips off the limo because why not?
13. Tony is a cowboy from you'll never guess where. Calgary! Who'd a thunk it?! He's 27.
14. Eddie, a 32-year-old from St. John, nervously set up a telescope.
15. Scott, a 27-year-old carpenter from Winnipeg, made Jasmine a box. That's two boxes so far and three guys from Winnipeg.
16. Seth is a 25-year-old bartender from Edmonton and amateur photographer. He took a selfie of himself with Jasmine.
17. Mikhel is a 28-year-old from Ottawa who might be an aviation engineer. He works on helicopters and rides motorbikes. He loves his choppers, I guess. He also loves announcing what he's going to do. "I'm gonna plant one on your cheek and then we'll meet inside," he told Jasmine. Thanks for the heads-up.
18. Ross is a 31-year-old welder from Halifax who recites haiku with long, pregnant pauses.
19. Thomas is a 30-year-old international model from Regina... Wait, I don't think I read that right. Regina? Model? Seems to check out. He has long Fabio-like hair. He claims he's a deeper individual than some.
20. JP is a 27-year-old butler in the buff. And he arrives like he's on duty with only an apron. When he walks away, we see his bare bottom. The guys tease him that he's No-pack Shakur for his lack of definition in his midsection.

Yes, these guys are as generally shallow as the Americans. That's all women are looking for in a husband – abs. And they are all single because...?

The host (remember Noah?) enters the mansion with his arms in a welcoming extension saying, "Gentlemen." Nobody knows who he is or what he's doing there. He offers them advice based on his expertise of being on the job almost a full 30 minutes.

The guys take turns taking Jasmine aside. Again, doesn't look good on Vancouver or Canada that we can see their breath.

Cocky Drew is in full sales mode, jumping in head first to talk about his family. Thomas the creepy model is next. She thinks he's "really pretty." I think when his modelling days are done, he could get a job as a magician in Vegas. But she's turned on by his lips and hair, and has given him a little nickname: Sexual Tongue. Catchy.

David, the musician, plays her a song on the guitar. Right on cue, a string section walks in and accompanies him. What are the odds a cellist and a couple violinists just happen to be in the house? Even the guys admit he is good. When his song is done, he stands up and says to the gathering herd, "Top that!" Jasmine, who was so turned on a moment ago, was suddenly turned off by the bravado.

Jasmine has a tattoo on her outer forearm that reads "explore." She got it on a Taco Tuesday in Bali where if you buy a taco, you get a free tattoo. She sounded serious when she said it, too.

Cowboy Tony is drinking too much. It always has to be somebody. He tries to interrupt JP, who's now fully dressed, as he's talking to Jasmine. But in a first, both JP and Jasmine shut Tony down. I've never seen that before.

Here's a piece of useless trivia: Jasmine's favourite colour is "seaform green." That's the most specific favourite colour I've ever heard.

Mike, the sweet fireman from Winnipeg, says his mom died when he was eight, his sister left, and he's felt abandoned by women. Hence he's single. He's being honest and vulnerable.

Kevin W, the fireman from Waterloo, has been single for two years. He's ready for love. She says he seems genuine. And if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Humble Mike gets the first impression rose.

The party over, it's time to hand out 14 roses. Five men will go home. The roses go in order to:

1. Kevin W, the genuine fireman with the nice hair.
2. Drew, the cocky salesman.
3. Thomas, the creepy model.
4. Mikhel. Wow.
5. Giant Kyle.
6. Selfie Seth.
7. Scott Carpenter.
8. Andrew of Red Box fame.
9. Chris, the fire rose inventor.
10. Benoit, the maitre d'.
11. Wale/Wall-eh (sounds like a fancy way of saying Wally)
12. Kevin P, the sickie.
13. JP the nudie.
14. David, the musician who almost blew it.

Goodbye to Ross the welder, Dana the backflipper, Taylor from the oil fields, telescopic Eddie, and Cowboy Tony.

Next week, they're going to sunny Jamaica. What? They're not going to explore rainy and cold Vancouver? Apparently at some point in the season, they're going to go to Egypt, too. I think that's a first.

There's also an After Show, too, hosted by somebody named Jenn Valentyne. The guests are Olivia Gross Toes, Funny Daniel, along with TV presenter Erin Cebula (who I've always liked), and a superfan named Dani, who won some contest. This show is taped in Vancouver. They should have Vancouver-based bloggers as guests, don't you think?!

Is Olivia not working as a news anchor anywhere? Maybe they should allow her to host one day. But Daniel should always be a guest.

Daniel was being Daniel. He said if Jasmine was on his season, he would have shown a little more interest. She's got a hippie vibe and is very Canadian, he thinks. Then he said Kevin P. "looks like he's from American Psycho." But Olivia loves everything about Kev.

One weird aspect: For most of the show, there was no audience. I thought it sounded a bit dull. Then near the end, the producers either herded in a hundred or so people or else they found some canned laughter and applause kicking around somewhere.

There was an audience poll, just like they do on the American After Show, but there's no way anyone was really voting.

And that was week 1 of Bachelorette Canada. What did you think?