This week on Country Hoe-Down

The season is heating up. That said, I’m not digging it.

It starts with a Not-So-Amazing Race to find Jill culminating in a date in a bank vault, moves through country 2-stepping, some pick-up basketball, desperate stunt stripping, and ends with another patented Bachelor/ette fake ballot box.

And boy was I wrong last week when I suggested tongue-tied David might be normal. That boy has anger issues.

What can I say? Jillian’s one of my all-time favourites but this season sucks. But I won’t stop watching. I won’t quit Jillian that easily.

After the record-shattering first episode when a whopping 30 bachelors vied for Jillian’s heart and free TV exposure, there were 20 remaining for episode two. Why is it the guys have to stay in a lousy frat house but when there’s a house full of gals, they get to stay in the nice house? Sexism! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really care. I’m just an equal rights advocate.

Early on Jill says she’s not some 5-foot-5 big-boobed model. I love how that’s her definition of tall. Reminds me of when the diminutive and eponymous star of The Nancy Walker Show was walking on air and said, “I feel five feet tall!” I highly doubt there are any 5-5 models outside of Japan or China.

First group date consisted of breakdancing Michael, invisible Brian, nerdy Brad, hairy-toed Sasha, foot freak Tanner P., intense country warbler Wes, Ed and Mathue. Ed and Mathue will go adjectiveless this time.

We see Jillian lying poolside in a hot white bikini. We see Jillian riding someone’s shoulders in the pool, just like we saw last season. That must be her go-to move.

We got a big psyche-out when she took the utterly forgettable, if not for the ridiculous breakdancing thing, Michael up to the patio first. Then she returns to grab the rose. What the--?! It couldn’t be!... And it wasn’t, of course. As bad as her taste seems to be, it’s not that bad (although, come to think of it, she did say she finds Michael “sexy and manly” Say what?). She took off in a car to begin a ludicrous chase throughout L.A.

The bachelors are paired up as they drive around the city looking for clues. Road rally scavenger hunts are barely enjoyable when you’re doing them yourself so this was hardly riveting television. The foot freak Tanner P. and the breakdancer Michael were like little schoolgirls, screaming at every clue they discovered. Michael was so excited at one point he says he peed just a little bit in his bathing suit. Michael, that red light on the camera means it's going out to the world. Use your internal editor. Hey, but at least they’re getting along, unlike the surly Wes and nerdy Brad. Brad says he’s the brains of the team, and I believe him. He’s gotta have something going for him.

But Jillian – sweet, fun, smart Jillian – really is clueless when it comes to guys, I think. I mean, Michael sexy and manly? And then choosing Wes to be locked in a vault with? I’d be afraid for my life with that Billy Bob Thornton wannabe.
And what was with the necklaces? Was there a point to having the guys pick one of four necklaces to give her? Was there a point to being locked in a vault? I know, I know, it’s The Bachelor/ette we’re talking about and there’s not really a point to anything. It’s like watching Superman and scoffing at the fact the guy is flying. You buy into certain things. But there still has to be some kind of internal logic.

Nerdy Brad says Wes isn’t there for the right reasons. Every season needs one of these people. Wes is this season’s “not there for the right reasons” contestant. Now, I don’t like Wes. At all. But really, how many of these dudes are there for “the right reasons”? Just because he’s an awful musician with a grating voice and hokey songs and a career that needs publicity is no reason to dump on him.

Jill asks Wes if he’s a relationship guy. He says he’s had three girlfriends his whole life. When Jill suggests that he must have had lots of girls in between, he gets visibly uncomfortable. “Me? No, ma’am,” he says unconvincingly. Little does he know that Jillian wouldn’t care. Even though she apparently loves country music (sigh), she’s no innocent southern belle.

Do you think Wes is the cad they hinted at last week that has a girlfriend back home? I wouldn’t be surprised, but we didn’t find out tonight. He's needs drama in his life so he can pen those awful songs.

First kiss goes to Wes as the rest watch on close-circuit TV. She grabs the rose and they say, “Don’t do it, Jillian!” I think the viewing public at large also yelled the same thing at their sets.

But he gets the rose so he gets to stay in the house with her. “Of course you’ll have your own bed,” she reminds him. Her eyes say, “But it’s a short hallway.”

We see them the next night (or whenever it was) hugging goodbye at the door of the mansion as she’s off on another date. Oh yeah, they totally did it. No question about it. She's probably wearing a vile of his blood around her neck by now.

She wore a short cute black dress and red cowboy boots. For my American readers, that’s not an uncommon site in her native Alberta. Only usually they’re white boots.

On her one-on-one date with pilot Jake, she makes him country it up. Shee-it! She says she goes to the Calgary Stampede every year and likes country music. Still, though, we already have the country crooner Wes on the show. Do we need more blue collar dates? This is the worst season ever.

Jillian wants to see if the uber-responsible Jake can shake it up. Because, you know, she’s here to find a life mate and that’s important.

They go to the House of Blues and have the run of the place. She hops up on the bar to do the Coyote Ugly thing as Gentleman Jake tries not to look up her skirt. Then he teaches her to 2-step. Why isn’t this on the Country Channel?

Jake is already using the S-word (soulmate) and talking about marriage. He tells her he flew an airplane so low when he was 16 before he had his drivers license. That’s not good, I thought, until I realized he said solo, not so low.

When he asks her why she’s doing this, she says she wants to find her best friend. Poor girl doesn’t have a best friend. I wonder if there’s some girl sitting back home in Vancouver thinking, “I thought Jill and I were best friends.”

In the middle of talking about marriage, Jake plows forward and plants a bit wet one on her. I mean, fast. I thought she might have chipped a tooth.

It gets worse. The floor separates and out comes country music legend Martina McBride! I’ll take their word on that. I’ve never heard of her, but outside of Johnny Cash and Dolly Parton, I couldn’t name another country music legend. Apparently this legend needs the 30 seconds of airtime to help grow her legend status. What can I say? Worst. Season. Ever.

Jake gets a rose, as he should. As they’re dancing and necking to the godawful twangy music, Jillian says she was thinking of her grandparents. That’s an odd thought process. Hot pilot... sucking face... nanny... grandpappy... That doesn’t speak well for Jake’s chances.

The next group date saw Jesse the wino, Mark the pizza dude, Mike the baseball camp owner, Simon the British giant, Kiptyn the dreamy business developer, and Juan the fake Argentinian smoothy play some ball of the basket variety.

I’m a big basketball fan, but there is no worse sport to try to play if you simply can't. With softball you can stand there on defense or run to first base on a feeble attempt to hit. With volleyball you can bump the cushy ball when it comes your way. But basketball? If you can’t dribble or shoot, there’s no reason to be out there.

I thought I liked Kiptyn even more when I thought I heard him tell the camera, “Descartes said...” I thought I was going to here some Cartesian philosophy, maybe a cogito ergo sum quote. But no, he said, “Date card said...”

The British giant Simon admitted he’s “rubbish. Not very good.” He was talking about basketball, but really, it could have been about anything. He’s come a long way since last week when we needed subtitles to decipher his accent. He was subtitle-free this week. So even though he didn’t get a rose, he’s a winner in my books.

David was the star of the afternoon. Until the Harlem Globetrotters show up. They come walking over the grassy knoll in t-shirts and shorts before pulling them away to reveal their world famous Globies uni's underneath. That really psyched out the fellas. Yeah, right. Tell me they weren’t shitting their pants (or peeing a little bit in their swim trunks) when they saw the tall, athletic black guys in regular old t-shirts. I’d much rather play against the Globetrotters. At least I know their offense. I wouldn’t fall for any of their shenanigans.

Unfortunately, the Globies know as much about character as Jillian does. They choose David for Jillian. Mike is so desperate, he actually follows through on a joke Jill made about borrowing some anonymous guy’s Speedo and jumping in the water. That’s just gross. They shared nut sack sweat. You don’t do that. Not even for a rose, which he got.

When all the fellas do shots, David started fuming about the pseudo-Latin lover, Juan, who, apparently, dumped his shot out and pretended to do the shot with everyone else. There was no evidence to support the trucking consultant’s claims, but, man, he wouldn’t let it go. Juan was breaking man code. He said Juan should be tied to a tree and beat up. Did I mention David is a trucking consultant? I think I did, yes. Remember when he was sweet tongue-tied David?

Jillian sucks face with Kiptyn just because. She sees him, she says, and she just wants to make out with him. I bet Jillian sets records left and right this season. I bet she’ll sleep with more bachelors than any other Bachelorette. God love her.

Back at the house, Tanner P. goes into full creep mode. His wish that Jillian be wearing open-toe shoes is granted. He grabs her foot and starts talking about them, making Jillian uncomfortable. He lets her know that Sasha has the ugliest feet in the house. They’re hairy. Jillian winces.

At the cocktail party, Wes is even more like Billy Bob. i.e. wasted. Despite already having a rose, he interrupts poor Robby the bartender, who was dateless, just as he starts talking to our heroine. But Robby needn’t worry. There’s no way Jillian sends home a bartender.

Chris enters and brings in a ballot box, telling the guys they have to vote for the one guy they want sent home. Didn’t any of these guys watch last season? It’ll never happen. This time, the three rosed guys, Nutsack Mike, Gentleman Jake and Wasted Wes, are safe.

If I were on that show – and really, don’t you all think I should be? – I’d have voted for Wes anyway, and lobbied hard for everyone else to, too. It would have sent the right message to the otherwise oblivious Jillian.

While the votes were being tallied – hey, there were 20 of them, remember – Juan showed his smooth moves, offering his jacket to Jillian. Invisible Brian, who claims he’s usually the life of the party, desperately needed to get noticed so he one-ups Nutsack Mike and strips down nekkid and jumps in the pool. When he comes out and tries to get a kiss, Jillian didn’t even want to kiss him on the cheek. Not even the one on his face.

When invisible Brian doesn’t get the rose at show’s end, he admits that he was most likely hung like a light switch because it was chilly in there.

With the votes in, The Big Smooth, Juan, is voted most hated, followed by jealous David and dateless Julien, for some unknown reason. But surprise, surprise, Jillian, looking drunk by now, got the final say. She gave Juan a rose. She then left to make her final decisions.

With Billy Bob Wes, Nutsack Mike, The Big Smooth Juan and Gentleman Jake safe, twelve roses are handed out. Four fellows go home. Why 16, I wonder? It seems an odd number to keep. Is there going to be an NCAA bracket with this Sweet Sixteen? Who knows, but the roses go, in order, to:

1. Wine-maker Jesse, who chose Jillian over Italy.
2. Raging David. Clearly this was the producers’ choice.
3. Ed. Solid guy. I can’t remember a thing about him.
4. Hairy-toed Sasha.
5. Mark, the pizza dude. Meh.
6. Breakdancing pee’er Michael. Blah.
7. Creepy toe guy, Tanner P. You’re shitting me. Seriously? Cleary another producers’ pick.
8. Dreamy Kiptyn. Yay.
9. Reid. He only had a bit of airtime this week, but I support this rose.
10. Robbie the bartender. Of course.
11. Tanner F. Still two Tanners? Is that necessary? I don’t think we saw this one at all this week.
12. Nerdy Brad. Nice guys get the last rose.

So that means Light Switch Brian, British giant Simon, adjectiveless Mathue and dateless Julien have to say their goodbyes. Julien uttered something in French. Too late now with the sweet talk, mon ami. Mathue is choked. Jillian tells him he is such a sweetheart, but he just looks at her, offers a half-hearted hug, and walks out. Poor guy got himself an achy-breaky heart.

As bad an episode as it was, I’m hopeful because it can’t get any worse.

The Bachelorette: Jillian breaks my heart

Well, that was rather an uneventful first episode, wasn’t it? Maybe it was a case of ye olde Expectations Factor rearing its ugly head. Jillian might have been my favourite Bachelorette ever. In retrospect, of course the first show was going to be disappointing. It’s like losing your little girl. I’d hate to see her hook up with some creep who will take her away from my city. Sure, I’ve never run into her around town, but I’d miss her all the same. Vancouver’s a nicer place just knowing she’s here. Somewhere.

Actually, we got a bit of clue when they showed Jillian back home after getting dumped by Jason last season, doing all the regular things Vancouverites do all the time. You know, like visiting the Gastown steam clock, jogging on the seawall with the city as the backdrop, walking in the rain. We also got a glimpse of her real-life bachelorette pad. The exterior looked familiar. Is it in Yaletown? Or on the south side of Granville Bridge? Somewhere central, anyway.

In the inaugural episode, Jillian wasted no time in asserting her cuteness. “I think I’m cute,” she said. Later on she said she doesn’t rely on her looks; she relies more on her personality. Normally it’s at this point that I’d call someone out with a deftly placed bon mot, but I think she nailed it. She’s not a ditzy beauty with nothing to say. She’s spunky.

However... and here’s the big ‘but’. I thought there would be nothing she could say or do that would turn me against her. That still might be true, but this is close: she’s a country music fan. God, I’d forgotten that she’s actually from Alberta. Damn, I should have known. What was I thinking? I need a moment to regroup here. She’s thrown me for a loop.

You see, like that toe freak Tanner P. who thinks ugly feet are a deal breaker, I think a C&W fan might be enough to send me scurrying. If they just casually liked the music, I could maybe live with that. But to have a favourite band (Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, she rattled off without hesitation), that’s hard core. At least it wasn’t some new country artist. I’ll give her that.

Speaking of Tanner P., I get where he’s coming from. I kinda have a thing for feet, too. But not quite to his extent. It reminds me of the joke by Kevin Foxx (and I’m paraphrasing): “I thought I had a foot fetish. Until I went to a foot fetish website. I found out I just have a foot interest.”

My lord, Tanner P., get a hold of yourself. He was just creepy, wasn't he? He says he can tell everything about a woman by her feet. So he led Jillian to the pool under the pretense of just getting away for a private chat, but he only wanted to get a glimpse of her feet. He had a set of criteria she must meet: high arches, painted toenails, not dirty, no cracked soles, no corns. She passed. He was all giddy that he got a glimpse, like most guys would be if she had a nipple slip. She thought he was cute. The rest of us thought he was mildly disturbing. (For the record, that's not Jillian's foot in the photo.)

Early on in the show, Jillian swore she had no more rules. Literally. “I don’t give a shit what he puts on his hot dog,” she said. Well, they bleeped and pixilated her so I’m only guessing at the word. Knowing the producers, she could have said “crap” but it’s more extreme to make it seem like she swore.

But the rules flew out the window as soon as she met someone with potential. The first guy she grabbed and took outside was Kiptyn. Yes, Kiptyn. That’s his name. (“That’s a great name,” she lied to him when they first met.) But she immediately asks him what his hot dog topping is. So much for that. He tells her he’s a ketchup man. Nothing else. I forget what that means. Boring, I think.

As predicted yesterday, Kiptyn’s cool. And by cool I mean in the traditional sense. He doesn’t put on airs, has no agenda. He’s just a solid guy being himself. There were a few like that: Ed was one. Jake, the pilot, was another. Robby (or Robert), the bartender, too. Maybe even Julien. And quite possibly David, who got the first impression rose. Not coincidentally, all those chaps made it to the next round.

I loved how the added twist was five extra guys after the 25 had already started partying. That was a first in the show’s history, they told us. Maybe they should think about not giving it away before the show even airs. On their website, we could see all 30 contestants.

Yesterday, I went through the 30 and chose ten who I thought would make it. Jillian had to choose 20. But of the ten I thought she should pick, I got nine right. Not bad. So I’ll advise you to listen to me the next time I offer a prediction. The one I thought she’d pick yet didn’t was Stephen, the lawyer. After seeing him in person (on TV), I stand by my choice. He was kinda nerdy, but funny. She keeps mentioning sense of humour as a quality she's looking for. He had it. I loved his line when he was sent packing. He said, “Maybe she doesn’t like awesome guys.” With some people, that would be ridiculous. But I could sense the irony with Stephen.

Before the party got started, we got to meet 11 of the bachelors through little video vignettes. Why only 11 I don’t know. It wasn’t a portent of things to come since only eight of them got a rose.

In those vignettes, we met Kiptyn’s abs, Michael, a break dancer right out of Bizarro Central Casting, suicidal Julien jumping out of planes and racing cars, the lovable loser Stephen, Juan the fake Argentine doing pushups on volleyballs, Mark the pizza dude wearing too much spandex, Kyle the artsy thrift store maven with poor grammar (“I look good, I smell good, I make love good”), Sasha the Serbian, Wes the country crooner, Greg (or is it Billbro, bro?) modelling, and Jake the pilot doing stunts in a little plane.

Couple of comments on those guys:

• They play up Juan’s Latin lover background. When he walks into frame, the music switches over to South American rhythms and sonorities. Yet when he speaks, there’s no South at all. He’s all American. Turns out he’s lived in the States since he was two. At what point do you stop telling people you’re from Argentina? At least put on an accent, hombre.
• Yesterday, based on the head shot, I gave thumbs up to Wes, the musician. I’m sure you know by now if you’ve read this far that I’m rescinding that opinion. I had no way of knowing he was a country music singer. With an armful of tattoos. That’s two strikes. The third? He boasts that he had a #1 hit song in Chihuahua, Mexico! What does that even mean? Can you get hit songs city by city?
• Also the blog received a comment from Texas yesterday. Someone who claims to know Wes said he’s a goof. That’s good enough for me. They also suggest -- SPOILER ALERT! -- that he’s made it quite far in the competition. That saddens me a little to think that my Jillian could fall for such a guy, but at least I’ll have someone to direct my hatred to.
• Jake, the overly sincere pilot, is looking for a best friend, too. I think Jill’s going to hear that a lot. These guys are no dummies. But Jake isn’t that conniving. He looks like a decent guy. He’s "America’s hopeful romantic", he says. I like him because they showed him jogging and he’s got no visible abs.

One thing I wish the show would do better is itemize who didn’t make it. A few of them get to speak after being rejected, but I can never remember who else is leaving. So I’ll guide you through the also-rans:

1. Bryan, the high school coach who also happens to be a teacher, we find out. He’s the guy who lifted Jillian up when they first met. Those staged greetings always backfire. Remember that if you’re on the show. (Incidentally, the other Brian, who fake jogged with his thumbs up to her from the limo and called her Hot Tub Harris got a rose, so all bets are off.)
2. John P. was the guy who said he didn’t know what hickness meant in Canada. Maybe that cost him. But I liked him. Although when he had to go he said he thought Jillian was his soul-mate. Totally understandable since they probably spent ten minutes together all told. He reminded me of Adam Corolla.
3. John H. looked drunk from the get-go with his tie all askew.
   
4. Kyle screamed “look at me!” with his consciously quirky wardrobe. He was all cool, then couldn’t find the door to enter the mansion. Priceless. He made up for it by drawing a moustache on her index finger because... well... isn’t he quirky?!
5. Adam was an Olympian. Sure, only in cycling, but an Olympian nonetheless. Maybe he should have brought that up. And maybe he shouldn’t have worn that turquoise shirt.
6. Stephen the funny lawyer. When he met her out of the limo he said, “Thanks for going to all this trouble for me.” I’m starting a campaign for him to be the next Bachelor. Nerdy is in, ladies.
7. Caleb, the photographer. She said she loved the fact he wore jeans. I think she just said that.
8. Josh, the lifeguard from Newport Beach. Upon meeting her, he said there’s lots of sun there; not much snow. I wonder how many of the guys think Vancouver is under snow for six months of the year.
9. Greg Billbro. What was up with Billbro? Is that even how you spell it? I have no idea. He greeted her with, “Wanna hug it out?” He also said something about marrying five couples. He married his first couple when he was 17. I was confused. But I was impressed when he battled the actual break dance teacher and showed his moves. Two old white dudes breakdancing. It doesn’t get much better than that.
10. I can’t figure out who the tenth guy to not get a rose was. In looking over all the contestants from yesterday’s entry, I see it was Bryce. Man, that guy got zero TV time. He must have been one of the five who came late. Was he the guy with the cheesiest pickup line in Bachelorette history? The guy who threw her a ball and when she caught it said she was a great catch. If so, I heartily endorse her decision.

So there are your losers. Now a few comments on some of the guys who got through:

David, the trucking contractor from Dayton, Ohio, was star struck upon meeting Jillian. He looked down. The music stopped. Once inside, spunky Jill called him on it, saying she didn’t buy it. She thought he choked up on purpose so as to stand out. But he seemed genuine. Time will tell. If that was a stunt to get noticed, I can’t wait to see what other goodies he’s got in store for Jill. Maybe he’ll walk around with his fly undone. (David got the first impression rose because Jillian has a great sense of humour, like I said.)

Hey, speaking of flies, did anyone catch what Brad did when he first met Jillian? First off, he fake-brushed the dandruff off his shoulders. But then he said he wanted her to see his best side and it looked like he pointed to his dick. What did I miss? I mean, I love it if that’s the case. I just can’t believe that’s what he did.

I also loved how they used subtitles for the British giant, Simon. Seriously, America? The good old boys from the deep south we’re expected to understand, but a jolly British pituitary case needs subtitles? It makes for good comedy, though. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I believe the producers select certain contestants to advance just for the show’s sake. I believe the homely Brit is one such selection.

(On a side note, is this the first Bachelor/ette series in history there wasn’t a token black contestant? Since there’s never a black bachelor/ette, I always root for the black contestant to go all the way just so middle America can get up in arms. And isn’t it time for a black Bachelor/ette already?)

Jesse, the wine maker, made an impression with Jillian a few different ways: 1. he makes wine, and I do believe the gravelly-voiced Canadian has enjoyed a glass or two in her time, 2. he called it “love juice”, thereby confusing Hot Tub Harris, and 3. he revealed a t-shirt underneath his dress shirt that read “Aspiring Canadian” beside a maple leaf.

Mark, the pizza dude, brought up Jillian’s famous condiment theory. He said he has a theory of his own, then asked her what she likes on her pizza. She responded immediately: pepperoni, green peppers, black olives, mushrooms, ham and sometimes anchovies. That apparently threw him for a loop. The dude couldn’t even fake an answer. What, he thought he’d stump her with that difficult question? He said he’d have to think about it. And yet she kept him around!

Jake, the overly-sincere pilot, says he can totally picture Jillian being her co-pilot. I bet we’re going to hear lots of flying analogies while he sticks around. I wonder if he's going to take her into his cockpit, if you know what I mean. He should stick around because he seems like a solid guy. Although I could never get too attached to a pilot. But that’s just my fear of flying rearing its ugly head.

When Wes whipped out his guitar, Jillian said he just found her weak spot. Ugh. She said she melts for a guy who can play a guitar and play a country song. Damn her. Why couldn’t she just be perfect like she is in my head? Why did she have to fall for that twangy bastard?

The 20 to get a rose, in order, were David, Jake, Jesse, Wes, Mathue, Michael, Robby, Ed, Reid, Simon, Kiptyn, Mike, Brian D., Sasha, Julien, Tanner P., Mark, Brad, Tanner F., and Juan.

Is Mr. Invisible in this group? Or the dreaded H-word? Maybe. Although judging from the upcoming highlights, who knows? Someone, it seems, has a girlfriend. Jill sobs, “I can’t handle any more of this!” Then again, there’s another hot hot tub scene. With love juice.

Tune in again next week for another semi-thrilling episode of The Bachelorette. I know I will.

We are back!

Ah, it's been a good hiaitus. Got me all refreshed for another "season" of the show. This time it's The Bachelorette. I love that old-timey name. Always makes me think of The Dating Game.

Vancouver's own darling whatsername is the eponymously titled one... Damn, what is her name? Hang on, it's coming... It's been a while... Jillian! Yes, how could I have forgotten? I still haven't seen her around town, although I guess she's been busy filming and finding love, or a reasonable facsimile.

I was quite enamored with youngish Jillian last "season". Hell, look at her. What's not to love? Will seeing her front and centre week after week make me grow contemptuous of her? I certainly hope not. I can't see it. That girl is too with-it. She's got it all. I may not agree with her choices (she seemed to like the dweebish Jason, afterall) but I'll support her all the way.

The show gets underway on the morrow. Only one more sleep! But let's get things rolling ahead of time, for my sake, at least, if not for yours. I always find it hard to get a handle on who's who in the first few weeks. So I'm heading over to the Bachelorette website right now to see who they've got lined up for our fair maiden. Won't you join me?...

The ABC site is calling Jillian "intelligent, independent, and passionate". What, they couldn't find another "i" word? But yeah, after that hot tub scene last year, she'll forever be thought of as passionate. When she was announced as the new Bachelorette, she said there'd be no more such scenes but we're all hoping otherwise. Aren't we?

Let's take a look at the schmoes they've got lined up for her... They look like a reasonable bunch. No obvious goofs or steroid monkeys. But what can you tell from a headshot? What jumps out at me as a patriotic Canuck is that there isn't one token Canadian among them. They usually have at least one. They probably didn't want the possibility of two Canadians dominating American network TV. There are, though, one Brit and one Argentine. If I'm Jill, I string those two guys along at least until the meet-the-family episode so she can get free trips to Europe and South America.

And here they are, ladies and germs, your 2009 Bachelorette bachelors, followed with a preliminary thumbs-up or thumbs-down based on practically nothing:

Adam, the 27-year-old Olympic cyclist. No.
Brad, the 27-year-old financial adviser. No. Goofy looking.
Brian, the 32-year-old IT consultant. No. Uptight.
Bryan, the 28-year-old high school coach. High school coach? Uh, no.
Bryce, the 31-year-old furniture dealer. His piercing blue eyes scare me. No.

Caleb, the 27-year-old photographer. Too precious. No.
David, the 27-year-old trucking contractor. More scary blue eyes. No.
Ed, the 29-year-old technology consultant. Sure. He looks normal. I approve.
Greg, the 31-year-old "entrepreneur". Could you get any more vague? No.
Jake, the 31-year-old commercial pilot. Looks like an upstanding citizen. Yes.

Jesse, the 27-year-old wine maker. Jillian would probably like the wine, but he looks too young and wet behind the ears. No.
John H., the 27-year-old branding consultant. A little too square for our Jillian. No.
John P., the 29-year-old marketing specialist. Not sure. At first I thought so, but the more I stared into his eyes, something bugged me. I'm on the fence.
Josh, the 25-year-old lifeguard. No way.
Juan, the 35-year-old general contractor from Buenos Aires. Definitely yes.

Julien, the 34-year-old "restauranteur" [sic]. Meh.
Kiptyn, the 31-year-old business developer. Despite the ridiculous handle, I'm giving him a resounding yes. Just a hunch.
Kyle, the 26-year-old graphic designer. He's toast. No.
Mark, the 26-year-old pizza entrepreneur. Pizza entrepreneur?! I want to say no, but sure, why not?
Mathue, the 26-year-old personal trainer. Despite the stupid spelling of his name, I'll say yes.

Michael, the 25-year-old break dance instructor(!). What is this, 1985? He's from Tacoma, the closest to Vancouver of anyone, but a break dance instructor? Methinks not.
Mike, the 28-year-old "baseball camp owner". What the hell is that? No.
Reid, the 30-year-old realtor. Nope.
Robby, the 25-year-old bartender. I like the cut of his jib. And what an adorable name. He's also probably a great listener. Yes.
Sasha, the 27-year-old oil & gas consultant. Nah.

Simon, the 26-year-old soccer coach from England. Why is every other British guy named Simon? Despite the travelling opportunities, I'm giving a thumbs down based on the photo.
Stephen, the 30-year-old lawyer. Endearingly nerdy. And probably rich. Yes.
Tanner F., the 28-year-old sales rep. Mild thumbs down.
Tanner P., the 30-year-old financial analyst. What, there are two Tanners? What are the odds? If either of the Tanners stick around, this is the one. Yes.
Wes, the 32-year-old musician. Yeah. Sure.

A quick tally tells me I have ten yeses. Call your bookie. I have no idea how many they choose the first night, but these guys should be in the running. Allow me to introduce them to you:































So that's the preview. Meet you back here tomorrow night for the first night recap and see how right I was about the picks.