The Bachelorette, episode 4: I smell a rat

Yo, yo, yo, homies. This week, my home girl Jill brings her fellaz to the old 604. Fo shizzie.

What?

Nevermind.

So anyway, we’re in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada this week. I’m here every week, but this week Jillian brings her 13 American boyfriends to the great wet northwest. (Actually, my dear American readers, that’s always been a pet peeve of mine. We’re not technically in the Pacific Northwest. Vancouver is in the southwest of Canada. Continentally, we’d be in the Pacific midwest – Alaska would be the northwest. But I digress.)

Jillian couldn’t wait to show the guys what Vancouver’s all about. Here’s the thing. I’ve been living in Vancouver for 16 years and came here regularly throughout my childhood. Yet I haven’t done a single thing these guys did in one episode. Curling? Kayaking? Grouse Mountain? Lucky, lucky gobble guts!

Kiptyn (by the way, is that a real name? I’ve never heard it before. I keep wanting some one to say “Aye aye, Kiptyn!”) gets the first one-on-one date. Jake is all excited. He tells Kiptyn, “She likes the nice guys. Finally a girl that likes the nice guys!” Explain Wes, then.

The date card reads, “Let’s cook up some love Vancouver-style.” What the hell is that? Does Vancouver have a style?

He either gets a rose or goes home. But we know how these things work by now. The one-on-one date is always someone the Bachelor/ette really likes. It’s the two-on-ones where they select someone they already want to get rid of.

So Jillian and Kiptyn go kayaking to the Granville Island Market. They paddle under the Burrard St. bridge. I did walk across said bridge this very Monday. And, truth be told, I have been to the market. But I didn't know they sell homemade tortellini until Jillian said so. I’ll have to go get me some. I love me some tortellini. That must be what she means by Vancouver-style.

This was the date. Shopping, then cooking at home with her man. While taking a break from the rigours of shopping, Jillian says she volunteers for Big Brothers. I tried to do that once, but never followed through. What could she do, though? Wouldn’t she be with Big Sisters? Or was it just another group dating thing? Maybe she likes younger men.

While she’s slaving over the hot oven, Cap’n Kiptyn holds her from behind and starts kissing her neck. He wants to contribute, too, afterall. She tells the camera that was her favourite part of the night. She kind of choked up a little when she said it, too. Needless to say, Kiptyn is rosed.

The group date consists of winemaker Jesse, foot freak Tanner (no initial this week because he’s the only Tanner left), Gentleman Jake, bartender Robby, country crooner Wes, Greg Brady lookalike Ed, breakdancer Michael, bespectacled Reid, smoooooth Juan, and fiery David. They go... curling. Yes. Curling. Because when I think of Vancouver, I think curling. I don’t even know where you can curl in Vancouver. I’ve never curled in my entire Canadian life. Maybe Jill wanted to see the guys work a broom.

But the guys fall over themselves in excitement when they step out of the limo. And that’s even before they stepped on the ice. Seriously? Curling? I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again: Worst. Season. Ever. Curling is the country music of the Olympics.

To make matters interesting, the group splits up and plays a game. Match? Round? I have no idea. The blue team consists of Wes, Ed, Reid, Mike and Tanner. The red team is Juan, David, Jesse, Jake, and Robby. Juan and David are on the same team but nothing good happens. No arguments or stare-downs. Jesse throws a perfect shot and the reds get to go out to dinner with Jillian while the blues get the blues back at the hotel.

We get reacquainted with Jesse. I honestly couldn’t remember who this guy was. But he’s the winemaker. I thought for sure he was a paperboy judging from his headwear. Michael has a man-crush on him, saying Jesse’s good at everything and is a really cool guy. He must be because he says he’s going to become a Canadian citizen, winning the hearts of Canadians everywhere. Unless he turns out to break Jillian’s heart.

They have dinner on an old boat, eating crab. Yet another thing I’ve never done. Eating crab, that is. Can you believe it? It’s true. After dinner, David continues his obsession with doing tequilla shots, but nothing comes of it. We’ll never know if Juan faked it again. Why can't they ever follow through with anything?

Jake is on cloud nine. For once a girl who likes the nice guys. Because he’s a good catch, he says. A nice guy. Oh, poor Jake. No woman will choose the nice guy if a bad boy comes a-courtin’. She tells him she thinks he’s so perfect and he beams. But she doesn’t want perfect. She wants him to be himself. But what if he really is perfect? Perfect is just code for “boring”.

Poor Gentleman Jake has been labelled perfect his whole life. He asks David if he’s too perfect. Compared to David, Jon Gosselin is perfect. David says he thinks she likes bad boys, of which he is a charter member.

Which brings us to her little meeting with David. Jillian wanted to see that David had a soft side. David tells her her ass is fantastic and “fucking hot”. He goes in for the kiss and she stops him. Jillian stops him. Jillian Harris. The Jillian who’ll kiss anybody. Yeah, that one. Priceless. At least she’s a bit discerning. Jillian felt disrespected.

But Delusional Dave says, “I think she is into me. She’s just holding back. Absolutely she’s challenging me. I think she was testing me and I love it. Game is on!” I love it.

When all is said and done, paperboy Jesse gets the rose.
Next up is the dreaded 2-on-1 date between baseball camp owner Mike and pizza dude Mark. Mark has a different look every time I see him so I never quite know who he is. On this date, Mike does all the talking. On their helicopter ride over Vancouver (yet another thing I’ve never done), Mark is off to one side, Jillian on the other with Mike in between. At dinner, Mike is toasting and laying everything out there. Mark is uneasy, awkward. Good for him.

Mark says he’s guarded, like a quarterback behind a line of men. I think the correct analogy would be like a curling stone behind a line of other curling stones.

I would have loved for this date to be between David and Juan. The producers were asleep at the helicopter wheel.

The helicopter takes them to Grouse Mountain. Guess what? Never been there. I live maybe 10 minutes from the place (I think). Alone with each of them, Jillian hears from Mike that he’s not the most successful, nor the most talented, nor the best looking... I don’t know what followed. And I’m sure Jillian didn’t, either. She had that look of, “Yeah, you’re right. I never noticed that before, but you’re really not. Thanks for that. My decision is made.”

The quiet and undistinguished Mark starts in about a long distance relationship he had. I didn’t know what he was talking about. But it turns out he was cheated on. Guess what that means, people? He’s had his heart broken! Oh, say no more, heretofore undistinguished Mark. You’re now in the running.

Mark gets the rose! Mark gets the rose! Score one for quiet awkward guys everwhere! Mike gets the long, cold walk to the gondola.
***

Finally rose ceremony time. And rain! Finally something I’ve experienced in Vancouver. But as good as this rose ceremony was, it’s a letdown thanks to all those upcoming highlights packages we saw before every set of commercials leading up to it. There are no surprises on this show.

I will say this, though. About every other season they announce one rose ceremony as being the most dramatic in Bachelor/ette history. And they usually are as unremarkable as rain in Vancouver. But this one I’d put up there with any of the others announced as the most dramatic in history. And it wasn’t even announced as such!

I was hoping for at least one surprise. Like maybe Jake trying to prove he’s not perfect by getting stinking drunk and punching a bellhop. But no. It was all about trying to figure out which bachelor (Wes! Wes!) had a girlfriend back home. Tanner is the one who told Jillian, but he wouldn’t name names.

There’s a revealing moment when she talks to Reid. He tells her that there are “clicks” (that’s how Americans pronounce “cliques”), but then switches modes and tells her he wants to kiss her. She says he can but needs a random question first. (Huh?) He asks who her first crush was and she says it was a guy named Vincent who sang her a song. Oh. no. Why are women such suckers for such blatant and cheesy pick-up manoeuvers? I can't believe how Wes has lucked out.

When she talks to Wes’s cheatin’ heart, she says there’s no girl in the world who wouldn’t want that song he sang to her and to know it’s genuine. Uh, yeah. Why she continues to believe it’s genuine reflects poorly on her judgment skills.

Wes lies and says no girls want him. That’s a big red flag either way you take it, I would think. Either he’s lying, and he’s a creep. Or he’s not lying and he’s a creep. But Jillian apparently thinks differently. She likes his affection and feels really comfortable with Wes.

Tanner feels that he, Ed and Jake are all there for the right reasons. He said that with a straight face. I guess he’s capable of that when there are no naked feet in his presence.

Jillian tells the guys they’re not having a cocktail party anymore, then walks off. Mutiny!

Despite her tears, Jillian doesn’t want to cry over these cheaters. She just wants them out. Chris tells them if they have something to say, say it now. Nobody does, of course. It’s grade nine P.E. all over again. What’s interesting, though, is a few guys say, “I don’t have a girlfriend” but Wes just says, “I’m clean, I’m clean.” Technically he’s not lying because he had a shower before the party.

Meanwhile, Tanner is sweating like a stuck pig. In a sauna. In August. He’s freaking out at Juan, telling him not to look at him. But Juan’s just looking around. Jillian isn’t ready to hand out no stinkin’ roses to these chumps. Well, not until after the commercial break, at which point she’s inexplicably ready.

While most of the guys want the cheater revealed, David wants Jillian to disclose who the rat was. Further sealing his fate.

So, with wino/paperboy Jesse, awkward pizza dude Mark and Cap’n Kiptyn all with roses, there are seven more to hand out. Two bachelors go home. The roses are handed out in this order:

1. Bespectacled Reid
(Jake isn’t looking confident)
2. Bartender Robby
3. Greg Brady look-alike Ed. So far all good guys.
4. Breakdancing Michael, who does another faggy dance move.
5. Cheatin’ Wes
6. Gentleman Jake, who finally smiles
7. Tanner the rat

The people have spoken! Our poll last week showed that the people (well, 13 of them, anyway) wanted both Juan and David gone. The allegations appear to have hurt the smooth one. He seems to be the kind of guy who would be working two or more women at once. But he wasn’t. He tells us he definitely doesn’t have a girlfriend and there’s nobody waiting for him back home. He heads out to the pouring rain and catches a cab back to Argentina.

I was hoping David would kick his ass on the way out. But no. They left in separate taxis. David thinks Juan ratted him out. Of course he does.

Next week, they go to Whistler! I’ve been there! Three times! There, Jillian will experience the shock of a lifetime. And cry. Things are heating up in the snow.

The Bachelorette, episode 3: Oh Jill!

First off, let me say I’m heartened by the results of last week’s poll. Even though I’ve been thinking it’s the worst season ever, I don’t want it to be. And I’m glad that the majority think it’s great. Because I have such a soft spot for little Jillian, despite her seemingly horrible taste in men and music.

Which leads me to this: I know people who don’t like her. Can you imagine?! I can’t. Regardless, here’s the thing. For me, it’s completely irrelevant if I like the protagonist of the series or not. There have been seasons I haven’t liked the Bachelor/ette or the contestants. In those cases, I watch for train wrecks. That’s half the fun of this show. If I like the people, great, I can cheer for a match made in heaven; if I don’t like 'em, I cheer for the train wreck. It’s beautiful either way.

But on with the show!

After a mercifully (and surely record-breakingly) brief highlight package, we meet up with the guys in the stinky bunkhouse and they learn of the week’s plans. Two individual dates and one massive group date. If you don’t get a rose on your one-on-one date, you’re going home. Four fellas would go dateless, with three of them being virtually invisible this episode. The fourth, David, would be anything but.

Easy Ed gets the first date. The 29-year-old technology consultant learns that “love can be dangerous”. His bunkmates don’t take him for a dangerous dude. But another Amazing Race rip-off proves otherwise, as he and the adrenaline junkie Jillian rappel down the side of a Los Angeles tower after the ubiquitous and perfunctory helicopter ride. What would a Bachelor/ette season be without a helicopter ride? Original, maybe. But other than that, I mean?

“Big, strong, bulky, hunky” Ed shows he’s got a decent sense of humour. As he’s hanging off the side of the building, he says, “You better give me a rose.” No kidding. If that were me... well, first off I wouldn’t have stepped onto the 'copter. But if I did, at the point I was told we’d be descending the rope off the building, I’d walk. And Jillian would love that about me and give me the rose and we’d live happily ever after... But I digress.

But down they go. Wearing, for some reason, a helmet. Were they expecting a meteor shower? That’s all I can think of. Because I can’t think it would do any good if they fell 30 stories. Even if they landed on their head. It reminds of Jerry Seinfeld’s bit on parachuting with a helmet: At that point, the helmet is pretty much wearing you for protection.

But they conquered their “fears” (even though they didn’t look fearful at all) and it brought them closer together. Although they looked plenty close enough even before that on their chopper ride. But whatever. At the post-stunt pool, Jillian straddles Ed. Oh yeah, he’s getting a rose. And an boner.

On their romantic rooftop dinner, Jillian, the jokester, says, “I love that I popped your helicopter cherry.” That's my Jillie! Completely sex-obsessed.

To unwind, Easy Ed reveals that he loves to meet up with friends, drink and let out his inner Elton John. Yes, Ed loves karaoke. I respect that. Jill admits that she can’t carry a tune. That kind of explains her love of country music, doesn't it?

While sitting talking (he’s so easy to talk to!), they interlock fingers. Her mind is clearly somewhere else. Like, in the boudoir. She experiences a brain cramp so goes to the default kiss. And they kiss. And kiss some more. The funny Greg Brady look-alike then deadpans, “What were you going to say?”

But a warning sign: When Jill asks if he has any questions for her, all he can come up with is to ask if he’s going to get a rose. Come on, dude, if you can’t read all that, you don’t deserve a rose. But he gets one. And they make out on the roof. As they get into it, the loose Jillian slyly places Ed’s hand on her hip, guiding him all the way. That girl knows what she wants.

***

Next up is the populous group date, where eleven guys show Jillian “the good, the bad, and the ugly.” Oh good, another country and western theme... Worst. Season. Ever.

Not only that, it’s another lame acting date. Last season, it was a soap opera. This time it’s a horse opera. Yippee!... Ugh. What do these dates accomplish, other than a whole lotta lip time for lucky Jill? Well, she says she wants to see if they’re good sports. Fair enough, I guess. But do they even make westerns any more? Jillian drives another stake through my heart saying she loves westerns.

The cowboys are Reid, Wes, the two Mikes, the two Tanners, Mark, Brad, Robby, Kiptyn and Juan. I will admit that seeing nerdy Brad as a badass was almost worth it. According to Bradley, he’s no regular badass, he’s an “ultra-badass.” I think that means he's so badass that he's not even close to being badass. And what a lover he is! That kiss he planted on Jillian was steamy, was it not?! He wasn’t tense at all. His left arm was bent at the wrist.

Robby got all nervous, or so he says, since it’s been a while since he’s kissed a girl. But he plants one on her to remember. And remember she does, as Robby gets the rose. The real cowboy, Wes, tried his damnedest by playing hard to get for a change. He led Jillian away and informed her he was only going to kiss her on the cheek to get back at her for kissing every other guy there that day. That’ll teach 'er! She’d get another real kiss later on if she’s good.

Oh, and what modern cowboy movie would be complete without a Brokeback Mountain scene. Mike and Michael get the honours. They stop at a man-hug, which is all well and good for the homophobic Albertan, who claims she was proud of them but that she “definitely didn’t want to see them kiss.”

At the wrap party, Reid second-guesses himself. Should he move in for the kiss or not? Just as he’s about to, smooth Juan interrupts. But not so fast, says I. Sure, he was going in for a kiss, but did you notice Jillian stopped him by pretending to wipe something off his lips? I think Juan actually saved Reid’s dignity.

Meanwhile Juan goes for phoney gentleman points by making sure the Canadian isn’t chilly in that cold California night. He wraps a shawl around her shoulders. The guy is intensely smooth, the way he stares right in her eyes. Dateless David says he’d kill Juan. Apparently uttering a threat isn't against the law in California. Last night I was in the heart of Cracktown in Vancouver and a druggie yelled out "I'll kill you" to somebody. A cop was right there and twisted his arm. But say it on TV and you're okay. I’ll take Juan’s intensity over David’s any day. Why couldn’t they have done the Brokeback scene?

In the hot tub, that freak Tanner P. wasted no time in putting Jill’s feet in his mouth. Charming, isn’t he? Strangely, she just kinda laughs it off. I think it’s a reflection of the quality of bachelors that this freak is still sticking around.

***

The final one-on-one date is with Sasha, the 27-year-old oil and gas man, who claims to be one of the more well-rounded guys in the house without actually offering any proof of it.

When Jill comes to get Sasha, Wes greets her like a boyfriend allowing her to go out with an old friend for the evening. It’s Sasha’s date, Wes. Go practice a new song.

The two go off to a car museum because Jill loves anything with a motor, pounding that stake another inch into my sternum. Every time she reveals another facet of her life, I automatically become Laura Petrie, only the “Oh Rob!” becomes “Oh, Jill!” What’s the emoticon for a shaking head?

Sasha and Jill go for a cruise in a Ferrari. Sasha tells Jillian about his car crash that crushed his pelvis, paralysed his legs, collapsed his lung and gave him horribly disfigured ears. Jill looks like she wants to cry. But it turns out it's just because she feels guilty.

You see, the accident seemed to have broken everything but Sasha's heart. And this simply will not do for Jillian. So she sets out to be the first. Maybe it was all those mentions of a mythical unicorn (like there’s any other kind). He makes the mistake of asking about the rose, so Jillian says she’ll go get it to answer his question. He has a big ol' smile on his mug when she returns. Oops. You misread that, big fella. Good-bye, Sasha. The best part is she walks him out not to a waiting limo, but to a bus stop where Sasha hops onto the arriving bus to LAX. Awesome! Now the show is picking up. Thank God there was a cameraman on the bus otherwise we wouldn’t see him taking it, um, quite well, actually.

***

Meanwhile – get this! – it turns out Wes has written a song! Poor Jillian must have been feeling pretty crappy after having to send Sasha home on a bus, so that sweetheart Wes, who is NOT auditioning his music to the masses, comes by to serenade her at her window. He gives her a taste of that same awful song before inviting himself up, weaseling himself back into the house. They kiss. Yuck.

He says, “I’m gunna play it agin... because it’s the only song I know how to play.” He may or may not have said the last part. All we get to hear is the lyric, “They say, they say that love don’t come easy” with a twang so thick you could eat it with a fork. But use a straw... because it SUCKS!

The sad part is that Jillian thinks he’s really gone out of his way to show her that he cares about something other than his fledgling musical career. Oh Jill! (shakey head)

The freak, Tanner P., is jealous, saying he’s got other skills. Like toe-licking.

***

At the cocktail party, Jillian says how the previous night was really hard for her. Thankfully Wes was there to ease the pain. Only she doesn’t mention that part.

The drinks flow and Reid finally gets his kiss. And boy, does he! Jill really gets into it, too. I told you guys since last season that she’s a goer. Man, I can’t wait until she actually gets to know some of the guys!

David is getting pissed in every possible sense, guzzling back the Scotch and threatening smooth Juan. He tells Jillian that he’s used to being the top dog. Is it just me, or does he seem like the type to keep a very tight rein on a future wife? He seems insanely jealous over a woman he hardly knows.

As David’s letting it all out with Jillian, in comes Juan to interrupt. I can totally see the producers egging him on. “Get in there! Go steal Jillian away! Don’t be a pussy!” I grant you he’s a little too smooth, but the guys are saying that was flat-out disrespectful of him to interrupt David. Do they realize they’re on The Bachelorette? It ain’t exactly breaking new ground to steal someone away.

I’d love to know the behind-the-scenes ground rules. My guess is that they get a, say, six-minute grace period when they go off one-on-one and after that period, one bachelor is assigned to go and interrupt. Otherwise why wouldn’t we ever see two going over at once?

Juan brings out the Spanish and says something romantic-sounding. For some reason, the fake Argentine throws in a little Italian body language with it. Jillian loves that Juan is there for her and doesn’t get distracted by the other guys. For some reason, he reminds me a bit of Donald Trump. The guy has that unwarranted confidence.

At least Tanner P. supplies some comedy (which is why the producers keep making Jill select him). In a knock on Wes, he says he’s “not here for an agenda. I’m here to suck on some toes and to meet some Jillian.” [sic, if you can believe it!] He says he wants to get to know Jillian before he gets to know the feet. I shit you not. But, man, one look at her tootsies and he loses all concentration. The thing is, her feet aren’t all that gorgeous. (I know because I have a foot fetish.) They’re okay, but this guy has a serious problem. He actually says, “I mean, what other guy can say they have a foot fetish?” And he says he has no talent!

And we’re all set for “the most dramatic confrontation in Bachelorette history!”

***

David cannot let go of his hatred for Juan. “I’m not saying I’m the person for Jillian,” he says in the understatement of the year, “but Juan is not. He’s here for the wrong reasons.” That’s the go-to line if you don’t like someone. They must issue each contestant with a guide on what to say. It’s the equivalent of an athlete saying they have to give 110 percent.

Nerdy Brad, to his credit, tells Jill that David’s the scariest dude in the house. He’s right. I’m scared sitting at home in another country watching this. Maybe I’m scared because next week they’ll be in my hometown. Although I guess they’ve already come and gone.

David is yapping to some of the other guys that Juan acts like he’s too good for the rest of them and doesn’t hang out with them. Just then, Juan walks out towards them and David tells him to go back inside. Do you see the problem with that logic?

Or this logic: “You’re 35 years old. Stop being a cheese ass and be yourself.” David then storms off and we get the second warning sign from the previously Easy Ed. He looks at poor Juan and says he agrees with David 100 percent. But then he clinks glasses with Juan and says they’ll talk about it later.

I don’t care how much I liked Ed before. I can’t side with anyone who sides with psycho Dave. The best part is when David says he wishes Jillian could see what happened so she could know what kind of person he is. You know, delusional.

Inside, Kiptyn, who’s been pretty much invisible this week, sits down with Jillian. She feels butterflies when she’s with him. So of course they neck. That’s my girl!

***

Pre-rose ceremony time and Jillian says she wants to see if she’s got something with David. Don’t do it, Jillian! Turn and run for your life!

You could tell from her non-answer about nerdy Brad that he was toast. And he was.

The biggest surprise is that only two are going home. Get on with it, already!

But okay, with formerly Easy Ed and bartender Robby rosed, that leaves 11 more to hand out. They go in order to:

1. Jake, the invisible pilot. Good choice.
2. Reid. After that steamy kiss, sure.
3. Mark, the invisible pizza dude.
4. Jesse. Who? No, seriously. I don’t remember this guy at all.
5. The freak Tanner P. You’ve got to be kidding. Clearly a producer’s pick.
6. Cowboy Wes. She didn’t look thrilled when saying his name, though.
7. The Juan!
9. Michael, the goofy breakdancer, who does a “Pow!” after hearing his name.
10. Baseball camp owner Mike.

One left. Gentlemen, if you don’t hear your name, say your goodbyes and get the hell out. As predicted, it goes to

11. David. Oh Jill!

So Tanner F. goes home. There really wasn’t any room for two Tanners anyway. So she sent home the normal one.

And nerdy Brad, who I didn’t even recognize. I think he was drunk. When he goes up to say his goodbyes, he says, “Really?” Yes, Brad. I think you were the only one who didn’t see that coming. But he leaves giving it his best hangdog impression, saying he plans on being a drifter: “I don’t think anybody can relate to me.” Sob.

Next week, David makes his move. By the looks of things, Jillian doesn’t reciprocate. He says he’s never been turned down for a kiss before and she lies and says she’s not that kind of girl. Oh Jill! Just when I thought I lost you, you surprise me!

See you next week!

This week on Country Hoe-Down

The season is heating up. That said, I’m not digging it.

It starts with a Not-So-Amazing Race to find Jill culminating in a date in a bank vault, moves through country 2-stepping, some pick-up basketball, desperate stunt stripping, and ends with another patented Bachelor/ette fake ballot box.

And boy was I wrong last week when I suggested tongue-tied David might be normal. That boy has anger issues.

What can I say? Jillian’s one of my all-time favourites but this season sucks. But I won’t stop watching. I won’t quit Jillian that easily.

After the record-shattering first episode when a whopping 30 bachelors vied for Jillian’s heart and free TV exposure, there were 20 remaining for episode two. Why is it the guys have to stay in a lousy frat house but when there’s a house full of gals, they get to stay in the nice house? Sexism! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really care. I’m just an equal rights advocate.

Early on Jill says she’s not some 5-foot-5 big-boobed model. I love how that’s her definition of tall. Reminds me of when the diminutive and eponymous star of The Nancy Walker Show was walking on air and said, “I feel five feet tall!” I highly doubt there are any 5-5 models outside of Japan or China.

First group date consisted of breakdancing Michael, invisible Brian, nerdy Brad, hairy-toed Sasha, foot freak Tanner P., intense country warbler Wes, Ed and Mathue. Ed and Mathue will go adjectiveless this time.

We see Jillian lying poolside in a hot white bikini. We see Jillian riding someone’s shoulders in the pool, just like we saw last season. That must be her go-to move.

We got a big psyche-out when she took the utterly forgettable, if not for the ridiculous breakdancing thing, Michael up to the patio first. Then she returns to grab the rose. What the--?! It couldn’t be!... And it wasn’t, of course. As bad as her taste seems to be, it’s not that bad (although, come to think of it, she did say she finds Michael “sexy and manly” Say what?). She took off in a car to begin a ludicrous chase throughout L.A.

The bachelors are paired up as they drive around the city looking for clues. Road rally scavenger hunts are barely enjoyable when you’re doing them yourself so this was hardly riveting television. The foot freak Tanner P. and the breakdancer Michael were like little schoolgirls, screaming at every clue they discovered. Michael was so excited at one point he says he peed just a little bit in his bathing suit. Michael, that red light on the camera means it's going out to the world. Use your internal editor. Hey, but at least they’re getting along, unlike the surly Wes and nerdy Brad. Brad says he’s the brains of the team, and I believe him. He’s gotta have something going for him.

But Jillian – sweet, fun, smart Jillian – really is clueless when it comes to guys, I think. I mean, Michael sexy and manly? And then choosing Wes to be locked in a vault with? I’d be afraid for my life with that Billy Bob Thornton wannabe.
And what was with the necklaces? Was there a point to having the guys pick one of four necklaces to give her? Was there a point to being locked in a vault? I know, I know, it’s The Bachelor/ette we’re talking about and there’s not really a point to anything. It’s like watching Superman and scoffing at the fact the guy is flying. You buy into certain things. But there still has to be some kind of internal logic.

Nerdy Brad says Wes isn’t there for the right reasons. Every season needs one of these people. Wes is this season’s “not there for the right reasons” contestant. Now, I don’t like Wes. At all. But really, how many of these dudes are there for “the right reasons”? Just because he’s an awful musician with a grating voice and hokey songs and a career that needs publicity is no reason to dump on him.

Jill asks Wes if he’s a relationship guy. He says he’s had three girlfriends his whole life. When Jill suggests that he must have had lots of girls in between, he gets visibly uncomfortable. “Me? No, ma’am,” he says unconvincingly. Little does he know that Jillian wouldn’t care. Even though she apparently loves country music (sigh), she’s no innocent southern belle.

Do you think Wes is the cad they hinted at last week that has a girlfriend back home? I wouldn’t be surprised, but we didn’t find out tonight. He's needs drama in his life so he can pen those awful songs.

First kiss goes to Wes as the rest watch on close-circuit TV. She grabs the rose and they say, “Don’t do it, Jillian!” I think the viewing public at large also yelled the same thing at their sets.

But he gets the rose so he gets to stay in the house with her. “Of course you’ll have your own bed,” she reminds him. Her eyes say, “But it’s a short hallway.”

We see them the next night (or whenever it was) hugging goodbye at the door of the mansion as she’s off on another date. Oh yeah, they totally did it. No question about it. She's probably wearing a vile of his blood around her neck by now.

She wore a short cute black dress and red cowboy boots. For my American readers, that’s not an uncommon site in her native Alberta. Only usually they’re white boots.

On her one-on-one date with pilot Jake, she makes him country it up. Shee-it! She says she goes to the Calgary Stampede every year and likes country music. Still, though, we already have the country crooner Wes on the show. Do we need more blue collar dates? This is the worst season ever.

Jillian wants to see if the uber-responsible Jake can shake it up. Because, you know, she’s here to find a life mate and that’s important.

They go to the House of Blues and have the run of the place. She hops up on the bar to do the Coyote Ugly thing as Gentleman Jake tries not to look up her skirt. Then he teaches her to 2-step. Why isn’t this on the Country Channel?

Jake is already using the S-word (soulmate) and talking about marriage. He tells her he flew an airplane so low when he was 16 before he had his drivers license. That’s not good, I thought, until I realized he said solo, not so low.

When he asks her why she’s doing this, she says she wants to find her best friend. Poor girl doesn’t have a best friend. I wonder if there’s some girl sitting back home in Vancouver thinking, “I thought Jill and I were best friends.”

In the middle of talking about marriage, Jake plows forward and plants a bit wet one on her. I mean, fast. I thought she might have chipped a tooth.

It gets worse. The floor separates and out comes country music legend Martina McBride! I’ll take their word on that. I’ve never heard of her, but outside of Johnny Cash and Dolly Parton, I couldn’t name another country music legend. Apparently this legend needs the 30 seconds of airtime to help grow her legend status. What can I say? Worst. Season. Ever.

Jake gets a rose, as he should. As they’re dancing and necking to the godawful twangy music, Jillian says she was thinking of her grandparents. That’s an odd thought process. Hot pilot... sucking face... nanny... grandpappy... That doesn’t speak well for Jake’s chances.

The next group date saw Jesse the wino, Mark the pizza dude, Mike the baseball camp owner, Simon the British giant, Kiptyn the dreamy business developer, and Juan the fake Argentinian smoothy play some ball of the basket variety.

I’m a big basketball fan, but there is no worse sport to try to play if you simply can't. With softball you can stand there on defense or run to first base on a feeble attempt to hit. With volleyball you can bump the cushy ball when it comes your way. But basketball? If you can’t dribble or shoot, there’s no reason to be out there.

I thought I liked Kiptyn even more when I thought I heard him tell the camera, “Descartes said...” I thought I was going to here some Cartesian philosophy, maybe a cogito ergo sum quote. But no, he said, “Date card said...”

The British giant Simon admitted he’s “rubbish. Not very good.” He was talking about basketball, but really, it could have been about anything. He’s come a long way since last week when we needed subtitles to decipher his accent. He was subtitle-free this week. So even though he didn’t get a rose, he’s a winner in my books.

David was the star of the afternoon. Until the Harlem Globetrotters show up. They come walking over the grassy knoll in t-shirts and shorts before pulling them away to reveal their world famous Globies uni's underneath. That really psyched out the fellas. Yeah, right. Tell me they weren’t shitting their pants (or peeing a little bit in their swim trunks) when they saw the tall, athletic black guys in regular old t-shirts. I’d much rather play against the Globetrotters. At least I know their offense. I wouldn’t fall for any of their shenanigans.

Unfortunately, the Globies know as much about character as Jillian does. They choose David for Jillian. Mike is so desperate, he actually follows through on a joke Jill made about borrowing some anonymous guy’s Speedo and jumping in the water. That’s just gross. They shared nut sack sweat. You don’t do that. Not even for a rose, which he got.

When all the fellas do shots, David started fuming about the pseudo-Latin lover, Juan, who, apparently, dumped his shot out and pretended to do the shot with everyone else. There was no evidence to support the trucking consultant’s claims, but, man, he wouldn’t let it go. Juan was breaking man code. He said Juan should be tied to a tree and beat up. Did I mention David is a trucking consultant? I think I did, yes. Remember when he was sweet tongue-tied David?

Jillian sucks face with Kiptyn just because. She sees him, she says, and she just wants to make out with him. I bet Jillian sets records left and right this season. I bet she’ll sleep with more bachelors than any other Bachelorette. God love her.

Back at the house, Tanner P. goes into full creep mode. His wish that Jillian be wearing open-toe shoes is granted. He grabs her foot and starts talking about them, making Jillian uncomfortable. He lets her know that Sasha has the ugliest feet in the house. They’re hairy. Jillian winces.

At the cocktail party, Wes is even more like Billy Bob. i.e. wasted. Despite already having a rose, he interrupts poor Robby the bartender, who was dateless, just as he starts talking to our heroine. But Robby needn’t worry. There’s no way Jillian sends home a bartender.

Chris enters and brings in a ballot box, telling the guys they have to vote for the one guy they want sent home. Didn’t any of these guys watch last season? It’ll never happen. This time, the three rosed guys, Nutsack Mike, Gentleman Jake and Wasted Wes, are safe.

If I were on that show – and really, don’t you all think I should be? – I’d have voted for Wes anyway, and lobbied hard for everyone else to, too. It would have sent the right message to the otherwise oblivious Jillian.

While the votes were being tallied – hey, there were 20 of them, remember – Juan showed his smooth moves, offering his jacket to Jillian. Invisible Brian, who claims he’s usually the life of the party, desperately needed to get noticed so he one-ups Nutsack Mike and strips down nekkid and jumps in the pool. When he comes out and tries to get a kiss, Jillian didn’t even want to kiss him on the cheek. Not even the one on his face.

When invisible Brian doesn’t get the rose at show’s end, he admits that he was most likely hung like a light switch because it was chilly in there.

With the votes in, The Big Smooth, Juan, is voted most hated, followed by jealous David and dateless Julien, for some unknown reason. But surprise, surprise, Jillian, looking drunk by now, got the final say. She gave Juan a rose. She then left to make her final decisions.

With Billy Bob Wes, Nutsack Mike, The Big Smooth Juan and Gentleman Jake safe, twelve roses are handed out. Four fellows go home. Why 16, I wonder? It seems an odd number to keep. Is there going to be an NCAA bracket with this Sweet Sixteen? Who knows, but the roses go, in order, to:

1. Wine-maker Jesse, who chose Jillian over Italy.
2. Raging David. Clearly this was the producers’ choice.
3. Ed. Solid guy. I can’t remember a thing about him.
4. Hairy-toed Sasha.
5. Mark, the pizza dude. Meh.
6. Breakdancing pee’er Michael. Blah.
7. Creepy toe guy, Tanner P. You’re shitting me. Seriously? Cleary another producers’ pick.
8. Dreamy Kiptyn. Yay.
9. Reid. He only had a bit of airtime this week, but I support this rose.
10. Robbie the bartender. Of course.
11. Tanner F. Still two Tanners? Is that necessary? I don’t think we saw this one at all this week.
12. Nerdy Brad. Nice guys get the last rose.

So that means Light Switch Brian, British giant Simon, adjectiveless Mathue and dateless Julien have to say their goodbyes. Julien uttered something in French. Too late now with the sweet talk, mon ami. Mathue is choked. Jillian tells him he is such a sweetheart, but he just looks at her, offers a half-hearted hug, and walks out. Poor guy got himself an achy-breaky heart.

As bad an episode as it was, I’m hopeful because it can’t get any worse.