Episode nine: Fantasy Island

And then there were three, soon to be two. With Wes’s ride off into the sunset, we were left last week with three decent men vying for Jillian’s heart. We’ll see more of wicked Wes next week, but the producers made sure we didn’t forget him by playing his infamous limo speech twice tonight, even after the cowboy crooner publicly called out the show’s editing techniques. I happen to agree with him that the clip where he says he was the first bachelor to make the final four with a girlfriend was an example of dishonest editing, but I still don’t like him. And I’m glad he’s gone. So let’s forget about him this week. We’ll deal with him again next week.

This episode starts off very, very promising. After witnessing Kiptyn’s moose knuckle last week, we see a hot Jillian and her pet camel’s toes walking down the beach in an itsy-bitsy, teenie-weenie yellow and white bikini. That’s as close to a vagina as you’ll see on American network television. They’re in Hawaii so there will be lots of opportunity for more.

KIPTYN

The first date is with Kiptyn, who actually exhibits a bit of personality this week. Jillian chose an adventure date because with adventure comes trust. She wants to make sure that when things get tough or there are challenges that Kiptyn will be there for her. So they went on a ropes course. And Kip rose to the challenge, playing the gallant hero to the damsel in distress.

The final event of the course was called The Leap of Faith. The symbolism was laid on thick tonight. Each had to climb an 18-foot pole. Jillian called it a totem pole, but I didn’t see any carvings. They then had to stand on top of it, without the aid of any hand supports. Jill was terrified, but Kiptyn talked her through it. Good on both of them because there’s no way I could stand on top of that thing if they were three feet off the ground, let alone swinging way above ground. The next step was to leap off and grab a bar, set way too far away for the petite Jillian to have a hope in hell. Jill made Kiptyn promise she’d get a kiss at the bottom. She went for it, the trouper, falling to her death. It was a short episode.

We’ll talk again next week.

No wait. Don’t go. She had a rope attached to her and just dangled for a few moments. Kiptyn, though, made it to the bar.

All along the way, there was lots of squealing and laughing from our heroine. She laughed so hard from the pit of her stomach that she knew she was falling in love. I’ll admit that Kiptyn showed a bit of humour throughout the whole thing, but I submit the laughs were more adrenaline-based than anything. i.e. false.

What worries her about Kiptyn is that he’s always been the dumper, not the dumpee, and Jillian just doesn’t want to get her heart broken... again. She opens up that she tries to be too strong sometimes when she’s not all that strong. There was no need for her to say that because she said the exact same thing to Jason last season. She could have just referred Kiptyn to that particular episode.

Kip felt that the trip to Spain was the turning point for him. He now realizes that she’s the kind of woman he could spend a lifetime with. That doesn’t mean it’s her; just someone like her.

She tried to get him to open up by admitting his flaws, but he skirted the issue by joking about flamenco dancing. But she persists, so he gives his best job interview answer by saying he’s impatient and needs to deal better with bumps in the road. She tells him she trusts him the most of anybody that’s left but still feels she might get hurt with him.

The fantasy suite card arrives again. Two days after Spain, Jill is now ready to get it on with each of the bachelors. After all, she says, “we need this time." Looks like Aunt Flo went home.

In voice-over mode she tells us she can’t articulate her feelings for the real Kiptyn. She says she’s falling in love with that guy. We see them make out on the bed. Fully clothed. But then Kiptyn closes the door. Somewhere, the Rocky Mountaineer is heading through a tunnel.

REID

Next up is Reid’s date. His goal, as put forth by Jillian, is to think about how he feels and communicate that with her. You mean the same way you didn’t with Kiptyn, when you said you can’t articulate your feelings? Come on, Jill-Bill. Consistency!

Reid is the best one there for her but she just can’t see it. She lights up around him like no others. It’s obvious to me what his feelings are, but maybe that’s because we speak the same non-verbal inner language. Reid has no problem telling the camera when Jill isn’t around, though. He says she’s everything he could imagine in a wife.

Running out of ideas, the producers send along a helicopter for the date. It may be old hat to regular viewers, but it’s the first helicopter ride for Reid. He says it’s one of the best experiences he’s had (the first of two times he’ll say such a thing tonight). “It was like being in heaven,” he said. And then the copter crashed and they all died and went to heaven.

I’ll talk to you next week.

No wait. It didn’t crash. They lived happily ever after. Or at least almost did. Turns out the pilot was also an ordained minister. When Jill finds out, she says, “Let’s get this shit done!” But Reid, bless his heart, isn’t a spur-of-the-moment type guy. It’s not how he rolls.

Instead they have a picnic and they talk about important matters. She asks what he’s afraid of. He says it’s the time frame. Did he just use pig-latin? It sounded like he said “it’s all very ast-fray.” And Jill didn’t even flinch. She must be bilingual, too.

He admits he’s not the best at voicing his emotion. He’s like a four-year-old that way, he says. And they make out. She wanted to give him lots of time to think about his emotions, but is worried time may run out.

He gets his first chance at expressing his emotions when they meet for the evening portion of the date. Jillian greets him and says, “Ready for a nice romantic dinner on the beach?” To which Reid says, “I’m starving!” Okay, he needs to work on that.

Yes, he has a hard time expressing his emotions, but I’d say he shows them just fine. We know how he feels so why doesn’t she?

She pushes him harder on their relationship. Is he ready to propose at the end of this? He says maybe. In print, that sounds cold, but he said it with a big positive grin and a nod of the head. You gotta be able to read between the lines, Jilly-Bean. At least she has the good sense to say that even though she’s not getting the answers she needs, she can see it in his eyes.

The fantasy suite card comes. He doesn’t open himself up again and say he’d like to go because he got denied once. There’s a long pause and Jillian says she thinks they should take Chris’s offer. Like Chris had anything to do with this. Reid says they can cover the things they need to cover tonight. And probably uncover a lot of other things, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

“It’s going to get really real now,” Reid tells us. He’s excited but scared.
”I can’t say the L-Word.” Lesbian? I’ve seen that show. What does that have to do with anything?

We see them bathe in bubbles. Are they naked? Probably. The white wine goggles probably obscure the cameras.

ED

Dull Ed’s turn. By this time we know he must be the one with the fantasy suite malfunction. It’s probably nothing. They always build these things up to be more than they are.

Jill is looking tired from all that sex with Kiptyn and Reid, but Ed is happy with sloppy thirds. He says she looks “amazing, nice and tanned, and hat.” Hat? Oh yeah, he’s from Chicago. That means “hot”.

He tells her he thinks of her every day. She asks if he’s not thinking about work. He’s not, he says unconvincingly. She also asks what the weirdest thing about him is. He says it’s that his parents call him Richie so as not to confuse him with his dad. Which isn’t all that weird when you consider his dad’s name is Rick. Because Rick and Ed are way too close sounding. Rick and Richie are much easier to differentiate.

Their date is on a yacht. They take the plunge (there’s that imagery again) by jumping in the ocean together. Ed holds her by the bum and off they go. Underwater, she straddles him. That’s her go-to water move. She even admits, “I couldn’t wait to wrap my legs around him,” proving my point.

Because he flaked out during the early going and went home, he missed out on the hometown dates so he took the opportunity to fly his parents out to Hawaii. Jill is so excited when he tells her the news that she wraps her legs around him even though they’re out of the water.

The dad looks like the prototypical Chicagoan. He’s right out of the SNL sketch. I want to hear him talk about Da Bears. But he doesn’t get much in. Jill starts talking to the parents and can’t stop. They bond over their love of card games. When Judy, the mom, takes Jillian outside for a talk, Rick says to Ed, “What the hell are we doing here? What is going on?” I love it. Ed, the only child, assuages any doubts his father might have and says he’d get engaged if she picked him. Dad warms up. He even tears up a little when talking to Jill about his son. “What you see is what you get with Ed,” he says. I guess that means he really is dull.

And, of course, the fantasy suite is used. “I could not pass up the opportunity to spend more time with you,” she says. She wants some “intimate, cozy, sexy time.” And boy is he going to get it. She wants to focus on the romance as much as possible. She thinks Ed is so sexy... tall... olive skin... great smile... looks like Greg Brady.

Ed reveals his inner nerd by saying, "She's smoking hot. Why would she want me?" That doesn't bode well for their future relationship. If she can do better than him, she will.

He either got too much sun, is hammered, or is about to have a stroke. His face is bright red. And he doesn’t quite make sense. After all this talk about his career, he tells Jillian, “I just would love for you to be the reason for me to not work.” Huh?

He tells her he’s absolutely falling in love with her and has never felt this way before. She’s speechless. But not kissless.

He carries her to the rose-petalled bed and after briefly making out fully clothed, Jillian goes off and returns wearing some diaphanous shirt thing where we can almost see her titties. I’m sure the cameraman could.

To keep up his olive complexion, she undresses Ed and starts rubbing olive oil all over his body. He reciprocates. This is soft porn. It’s her hot tub scene, version 2.0. We knew she’d be good for another one. Atta girl, Jilly!

And then... and then? What happened? She says the feeling just wasn’t there. Were they just too tired? Did he pass out? Could he not get aroused? They were vague on precisely what happened. But suffice it to say Jillian finally got a good night's sleep.

ROSE CEREMONY

Forty minutes still left in the show and they’re at the rose ceremony already. What’s up?

Chris is back. Maybe he had an outstanding warrant in Spain. At any rate, he’s here to grill Jill on the guys. She says she’s falling in love with more than one guy and isn’t surprised at the notion that she can love more than one person.

Kiptyn, she says, is gorgeous, but wonders if he’s just another pretty face. She had fun on their date. There was chemistry. But... he’s the leaver. He hasn’t shown a lot of his vulnerabilities. There’s a wall up.

Reid, she says, makes her laugh. They’re like two teenagers. Then a bunch of negative stuff I couldn’t keep up. The usual blather about him not opening up. Yada yada yada.

The overnight with Ed, she says, was not exactly as she expected it. Either the chemistry isn’t there or there was too much on his mind taking precedence over his other, uh, instincts. Well said. I think I got the gist of it now.

The fellas all left her a “very private video message” that the show is now going to share with its millions of viewers all over the world.

Kiptyn talked about this “amazing ride”. It feels like it could be the beginning of an amazing relationship. “I can see myself falling in love with you,” he said. i.e. he’s not in love with her. Why is that better than what Reid is saying? Then he ends it with, “Let’s light this world on fire! I’m ready when you are.” Jill smiles.

Reid said that spending the night with her was one of the best nights of his life. Right after the helicopter ride. He admitted avoided answering her tough questions but said his feelings have grown so fast it’s a bit scary and exciting. And then he said, “I really hope you keep your honeybear around.” Honeybear?

Ed really laid it on thick. He said she helped him change his perspective on life and made him a better man. God, he’s dull, have I mentioned that? He tells her she’s beautiful, intelligent, funny, sometimes inappropriate, and he loves all of that. He ends with, “I love you.” The look on her face was priceless. It wasn’t one of relief and warmth. It was an oh-shit face if I’ve ever seen one.

Indeed, Chris tells us it will be the most emotional rose ceremony ever! I knew we’d get at least one superlative this season.

At the actual ceremony, she takes Ed aside. And we all know what that means, right? In the history of the program, whoever has been called aside prior to the roses has always gotten a rose. It doesn’t look that way at first, though. Jillian was giving him the pre-breakup speech. She said, “Our last date was incredible but it didn’t feel the way I thought it was going to feel.” [Insert sexy double-entendre here]

Ed’s response is “Just trust me.” She doesn’t need to worry about anything she’s worry about, he says. He promises. He swears. That’s it. He said what she needed to hear. Or she just felt sorry for him and couldn’t break his heart after that puppydog speech.

Back to the roses. She takes the first one in her hand a full 15 minutes before the end of the show. The first rose goes to Kiptyn. Number two goes to dull Ed.

Brutal. Two dullards left. But somehow I bet that’s not the last we hear of Reid. With all the promised drama of the last episode, maybe he’ll be the Molly of this season. I hope so.

On his way out, he says to her, “I hope you made the right move.” Smiling throughout.

She tells him, “You defined everything to me of what I’m looking for. You’re goofy and fun and funny. And there was a connection.” Which explains why she let him go, of course.

She throws out the standard “I just worry we’re at different places” line. Whatever, girlfriend. She also doesn’t know if he’s willing to make sacrifices. He nods.

He tells her, “I should have opened up sooner. I didn’t give you all the signs that you needed to have. It’s a shame because I should have. I don’t know if that would have changed anything.” They bury their heads in each others’ shoulder. Then they lean their heads against each other. She cries. As she should because she’s letting the wrong guy go.

He says, “I don’t know what to say.” And she says something I can’t catch even after watching it three times. I think it was, “I say goodbye.”

He gives a great limo speech:

“I wish I could have opened to her the way I should have. It’s definitely a tough moment. A surprising moment. I dunno. Maybe I screwed myself. I definitely could have seen myself with her. And I can definitely say that I was falling in love with her. I don’t think she even knows that. I saw her with my family. She was perfect. Her and I got along. The whole thing was my fault. It’s tough. Really tough. When we were saying goodbye on that bench, looking at me and we were staring at each other, it’s surreal to know we had that connection but not be there. And then seeing her with the other two guys is tough. I don’t see her being happy with the other two guys. I just don’t. It would have been a lot easier if I had told her that I loved her. I think I fucked up. And if I could reverse things I would.”

Jillian sits on a bench and cries. Ed shows up to console her, saying, “I just want to thank you and I appreciate it.” Zzzzzzzzz....

Back with Ed and Kiptyn, she says she feels amazing. Methinks she doth protest too much. She knows she let the wrong one go.

In two weeks it’s the big finale. We’re told that an unexpected confession makes Jill question everything. Bring back the Honeybear!

Episode eight: Looking out for Numero Uno

I may have been hasty in the earlier episodes in declaring this season the worst ever. I now think it’s as good as any other. I’ve loved Jillian from the beginning, despite her tacky taste in music and men. I’ve always thought she was smart, funny, fun, good-looking. She had it all. Well, except for taste. But she’s coming around. My big beef with the program this season was more to do with the early stunts. But those are now ancient history and we’re getting into real relationships. Well, mostly real.

The four remaining bachelors joined Jill in Spain for individual exotic dates. We’ll look at each one individually. There was so much at stake, she says: love, marriage, a potential proposal. Maybe not in that order.

KIPTYN

“I am here in Madrid, Spain,” Jillian informs us in case, you know, we thought maybe they were in Madrid, Alabama (yes, there is one). Yes, I know there are Madrids elsewhere in the world, but all the other ones are the ones you need qualifiers for. Madrid is the Bono of the atlas. If you’re talking about Sonny Bono, you have to say Sonny Bono. Otherwise it’s the lead singer of U2.

Jillian says she has adored Kiptyn from the start. He’s kind-hearted... genuine... has more abs than regular guys with six-packs. Jill thinks he may have nine or twelve. And, apparently, she sees the perfect package for her. I thought Tanner had the perfect package?

Speaking of the foot freak, we get lots of shots of Jillian’s toes on these afternoon dates. He must be killing himself wherever he is now.

She wonders, though, if Kip is out of her league. There’s that Canadian confidence for you! On their date, Kiptyn says his sister asked him if he’s ready to propose and he tells her everything has been better than expected but a proposal “seems far off.” Points for honesty. Jillian looks a bit shocked, but she’s the one who keeps telling Chris Harrison to hold off on using the h-word.

Their date takes them to a flamenco lesson with Maria, Ricardo and Paco. Dancing with the Reality Stars? She’d lose to Melissa in that one, too. Kip doesn’t look comfortable: “Flamenco and me should never hang out again,” he quips. But Jillian has fun. She’s up for anything, that girl. She had a blast but hopes that “tonight we can get to a whole new level.” I did an “ahem” there, but it was not to be. Jillian turns out to be way more proper than I’d given her credit for.

They dine on slugs and snails, then Jillian tells Kiptyn he reminds her of her dad. At least she acknowledges that it sounds a bit creepy. She explains that her dad’s a bit of a pussy and lets her mom do whatever she wants, but she’d want Kiptyn to tell her when she’s offside. She doesn’t want to wear the pants in the family all the time.

Then the fantsy suite card arrives. Kiptyn acts like he has no idea what it’s going to say. Is it possible he’s never seen an episode of the show? Surely he knows this is his chance to make sweet love to the Bachelorette. Or is it? Jillian stunningly rejects the suite! A first in Bachelor/ette history, I do believe. Where was Chris Harrison to mark this first like they do for every other first? But Harrison is conspicuously absent this week. He doesn’t even show up to the rose ceremony. So it doesn’t seem like such a shocking development that Hot Tub Harrison turns down the chance for some nooky. I’d like to believe that Jillian is a faithful reader of this blog and read my prediction that she’d have sex with more guys than any other Bachelorette, and is doing this just to spite me. Nicely played, Harrison. You win this round.

The excuse she gives poor Kiptyn is that she can’t spend the night with someone unless they’re heading in the right direction. So what does that say? That if it weren’t for Wes, he’d be toast? Are they going in the wrong direction? Okay, my prediction for next week is that he’s gone. You read it here first. Or, judging by the shere volume of blogs about this show, probably not.

Anyway, Jillian says they can just cuddle and hang out. She probably has her period. (Before you women get on me for that, I have to say that’s what my wife said when watching.)

They lie on her bed making out, legs interlocked. Jill says, “There’s a small part of me that wishes I would have accepted the overnight card.” Uh, yeah. It’s called your clitoris. (Again, ladies, that was my wife’s line. Seriously.)

REID

She meets Reid in Sevilla. That’s in Spain, too, in case you didn’t know. Never in her entire life has she been anywhere as beautiful as this. The couple picnic in a park with wine (natch) and cheeses. In the interview, she’s all red-faced, clearly from the, er, Spanish sun. Certainly not the wine because Jillian is all Miss Proper this week, remember? The big red flower stuck to the side of her head proves it.

The relationship with Reid, she says, has moved very, very slow. But there’s something to be said for opposites attracting. She says she always gets giggly around Reid. That’s because he’s actually funny. She’s not used to a funny guy who doesn’t oversell every line with physicality so she doesn’t even recognize it as humour and can’t understand why she’s giggly.

Even when he’s not being funny, he’s funny. In a shop, he tries to speak the native tongue, so he says, “Soy grande.” Now, I’ve forgotten most of my Spanish 11, but isn’t that a coffee?

And an example of him intentionally being funny was when he talked about how much his family liked her. He says to her, “I was surprised. ‘Really? You like Jillian?’” He’s so confident he can jokingly put her down. Either that or he doesn’t care if he advances or not. But don’t you always get the job and the girl when you give off the take-it-or-leave-it vibe? Put your money on Reid.

More Reid humour. As he opens his heart and tells her why they’re a good match, he lists off that they’re very similar, he’s attracted to her, and every time they hang out it just gets better. Jill melts and they kiss. Then he pulls back and says, “But...” There’s nothing else coming, and Jill immediately recognizes the joke. I like their fun antagonistic relationship.

I thought for sure Reid would get an overnight invitation. I mean, everyone gets the invitation, but it’s not the same coming from the producers. When the card comes, Jillian plays him to gauge a reaction. He plays it perfectly, saying he’ll let her decide because “it’s the gentleman thing to do.” And she turns him down, too! Oh. My. God. Jillian is a virgin! Or a huge Jonas Brothers fan. Actually, given her musical tastes, that wouldn’t surprise me.

Reid speaks a bit about his jealousy, but he’s not in any way psychotic. Just a tad neurotic. He says, “Let’s sabotage the other dates!” Jillian tells him to “just trust me”, which could come back to bite her in the butt later on if she ever lets him go. “I trusted you!” he could wail. Not that Reid would ever wail over anyone, but that basic idea.

But you never know because he says, “As neurotic as I am and as much as I second-guess things, I’m confident about my relationship with Jillian.”

ED

I never realized until tonight that Ed is a dud. The king of the v-neck sweater is as boring as his job with Microsoft. He’s just a hipper-looking version of the nerd in the Mac-PC commercials. Going immediately after Reid really accentuates his lack of funny. All he could say, over and over ad infinitum, was how he couldn’t stop thinking about her when he left earlier in the show, which is why he came back. Yes, Ed, we know. We get it. What I want to know is how he got time off from his boss this time. Does he still have a job? Why was it so important he return to Chicago last time and now he’s expendable enough to be permitted to jet off to Spain?

The two, also in Sevilla (aka Seville, as in the Barber of), talk about what might have happened on a hometown visit had Jill gone to Chicago. To prove he’s not a dud, he tells her he’d have taken her out to sing karaoke. See? Not a dud at all.

We got a taste of the crafty editing to come. We see Jillian walking along in wet shorts with no explanation. Only later on did we find out that she didn’t pee her pants. Earlier on, even though they showed it later, we saw them making out in a fountain. So they’re mixing up the timeline. No big deal, but it just proves you have to always keep in mind they are most likely playing with reality.

Ed says it takes a lot for him to open up and show emotion. So he’s just like Reid minus the sense of humour.

The overnight card arrives. Jill fondles her hair. Ed hesitatingly, and unconvincingly, says he’d... love... to. Then she breaks the news to him that it’s not going to happen, giving a different reason. She says she doesn’t want to get hurt if he should leave again. But he persists, in his meek computer nerd way, and she caves. They need the time to get caught up. So off they go, but they sleep in their clothes. Colour his balls blue.

WES

They’ve been hinting that Wes is a goner all episode. We’ll see about that. Jillian says she’s been attracted to him from the very beginning. He’s totally her type, she says, to which I say, “Good God.” She also says Wes and her have shared some pretty intimate moments. Which reminds me, a few episodes back, they hinted at an overnight that went terribly wrong, but we never saw what that was. Anybody have any guesses? Did I miss it? Since she’s not going on any overnights this time, maybe it was an intimate moment with Wes.

This time they’re in Barcelona (Spain). Wes says he doesn’t know much about the music scene in Barcelona but he had a song on his second album that was number one in Chihuahua, Mexico, so he’s home around Spanish people... Huh? I guess because Mexicans also speak Spanish. Isn’t that like saying, “I had a record go number one in Chicoutimi (Quebec) so I feel comfortable around Parisians”? He’s a sharp one, that Wesley.

She adores Wes, she insists, so she wants to give him a chance. They hop on bikes. “You look cute on a bike,” she tells him. “Yeah, I know,” he responds.

When they sit down to eat and talk, he tells her how perfect she is (shades of Jake?) and that she’s what he’s looking for. But Jillian notes that he sat as far away from her as possible. She didn’t feel the love. Add to this the anxiety she feels about analysing every single thing he says trying to figure out if he’s lying or not. Sounds like Mr. Right!

She says, “Let’s just say, hypothetically speaking, that we decide the best thing for you to do is to move to Vancouver for a couple of years.” Uh, yeah, I could see that happening. That hypothetical doesn’t even make sense because in that world where “they” both decide he should move to Vancouver, he’d have agreed to it. So he’d be on board. But in reality, he’d never agree. And he says as much. “That would be... crazy,” is how he puts it. Thank God. This town ain’t big enough for the two of us.

But it gets better! She asks if they could meet somewhere in the middle. He says, “Uh...” Then she says, “If I said, ‘Wes, you’re the one and I want to make this work,’ how are we gonna do it?” Here’s Wes’s response, verbatum (at least as far as what we saw): “That bird has no foot.” Then he spills his beer and lets her clean it up without even trying to help.

At dinner, she shows up in a beautiful red gown (she’s looked fantastic on all her Spanish dates). Wes arrives in a ratty C&W denim shirt and ripped jeans with his just-woke-up ‘do. She tells him he looks good. What a saint that woman is.

He admits that his manager thought going on the Bachelor would be good for his career. I hope that manager never works again. Wes, too, thought it would be good for him. But he tells her he’s already played her a song, done the full-band thing, showed her what he does. “If I wanted to go home, my mission would have been accomplished.” Good lord, never trust a Texan when he says “Mission Accomplished”.

He says if he had a girlfriend, he’d be gone already. So Jill wonders why he hasn’t kissed her. He should be showing affection. But Wes wants her to believe he’s just been second-guessing himself. He says he’s worried that she might turn away if he goes in for a kiss. Jill thinks he should risk that. You hear that, fellas? Take the risk.

Wes says, “I’m not here to hurt you. I’m gonna be true to myself because numero uno is the most important here.” They’re in Spain, remember? The guy can speak a little Spanglish. She gives him a dirty look. Then brings up Laurel. That’s when he slips up and says “my girlfriend... I mean, ex-girlfriend”. The music stops. Nothing left to say.

The card arrives. Timing is everything. Do it, Jillian! Fuck him hard! (Pardon my Spanish.) That would have vaulted this season to best-ever status. It’s still pretty good, because Wes looks at her and says he thinks they should spend the night together in the fantasy suite! Ah, too funny. As if their previous conversation never happened. I’m sure it works at last-call in Austen bars.

This time Jillian doesn’t even offer any reasons. Just, “I’m gonna skip it.” Perfecto. You go, girl. If this were a one-on-one rose date, guess who’d be going home? As it is, we have to wait for the “dramatic” rose ceremony.

ROSE CEREMONY

Dramatic? Not so much. Comedic? A little bit. Jillian says it’s a hard rose ceremony for her. Uh, why? Not sure. But she also says she’s never been more sure of who she has to send home. So no surprises.

While the four guys line up waiting for Jillian, Wes says that if it’s him who gets sent home, he’ll be back home having lots of sex. Then he laughs like an insane man. The others stare back at him.

Oh God how I wished she would keep Wes around for another week at this point! How about Wes for the new Bachelor?! Who wouldn’t watch that? Do it!

The roses go out, in order, to Ed, Reid... and at this point Wes whispers, “Congratulations, bro” to Kiptyn, who responds, “It may be you.” Wes replies, “It ain’t me, dude. It ain’t me.” And with that, Kiptyn gets the final rose. Goodbye and good luck, Wes. Have fun making hit records in Chihuahua.

It was here that I noticed Chris wasn’t around. Nobody informed that guys that there was only one rose left, and if they didn’t get one to say their goodbyes then get the hell out. So after Kiptyn got the final rose, they stood around awkwardly before Jill says to Wes, “Can I walk you out?”

Out they go and they hold hands! Jill now knows in her heart that Wes has a girlfriend, came on the show to promote himself, and lied to her throughout, yet she still holds his hand on the way out.

She actually makes a decent point about why she kept him around. If she had let him go after the hometown visit, she’d always be thinking, “What if?” But now she knows. Sorry Jesse and Michael, she apparently isn’t thinking “What if?” about you guys.

What she doesn’t explain is how she ever liked Wes to begin with.

Now here’s an interesting part. It’s Wes’s classy limo speech as he’s swigging whiskey. We all know he’s been a victim of bad editing to some extent. But we also know he’s been a victim of himself. We know he said he’d be going home and having lots of sex right before the roses were handed out. So the guy’s a jerk. But what he said in the limo doesn’t fit. On the one hand he says, “The first guy ever in The Bachelorette to make it in the top four with a girlfriend.” And that sounds damning. But it was chopped off right at the end. It’s possible he said something like, “She thinks I’m the first guy ever in The Bachelorett to make it in the top four with a girlfriend, but it’s not true.” Or “As if I could be the first guy in The Bachelorette to make it in the top four with a girlfriend. That’s crazy.”

The only reason I say this is because he also said, “She shot me down. I’m going down in flames... You know, I think it’s going to take me a long time to be able to get back on my feet... This is just kinda another bump in the road. I’ll go back home. I’ve got my dog waiting and my band... Let me tell you what, tonight I’m in Spain and it’s about to go down. I’m going out. I’m cutting off the chains. I’m a free man.”

Why would it take him a long time to get back on his feet if this was all just a lark? Why would it be a bump in the road? He’s got a dog waiting and his band, but no mention of the girlfriend. Why would he need to cut off the chains?

Then again, he also said, “My acting days are over. I’ve definitely gone as far as I could go with Jillian. I’ve already done everything I’ve needed to do... We’re pushing a brand new single right now. I got a big radio tour I gotta do a.s.a.p.” And then he knocks the other fine, upstanding bachelors: “How could I lose to Reid? You gotta be kidding me! I was born at night, but not last night... And Ed! That boy couldn’t so much as get a nibble back in Texas... I’m in Spain/Everybody’s gonna know my name.”

So that’s that. Three good guys are left, which makes me proud of my Jillian. She’s proud of herself, her parents are proud, as are her friends. I feel like I’m a friend now.

Next week it’s off to Hawaii. And in three weeks, in the season finale, more drama! More tears! We hear Ed saying, “I didn’t want to hurt her but I have to do this.” For a dull guy, he sure knows how to break hearts.

Episode seven: Mr. Ed reconsiders; Jake to the rescue

Last week I got a quote wrong and was corrected by a faithful reader. There were no excuses, even though I made one. This week, I’ve got a good excuse for what could well be many mistakes. You see, dear reader, we are away from home, in the land of Jason and Molly. We haven’t seen the lovely couple roaming the streets of Seattle during our visit, but we’ve got two more days. One can only dream.

So we’re in a cramped hotel room. No PVR to replay what was missed. Having to tell my 4-year-old son I’ll deal with him on commercials doesn’t quite fly. But he was pretty good about it, actually. Still, I might have missed a bit. Feel free to correct anything in the comments section.

Speaking of comments, thanks for the ones I’ve been getting. It’s good to know there are a few readers out there. Lord knows there’s competition. Blogging about the show has become quite the cottage industry. I might have to give it up since so many others do it so well. Problem is, there’s no other show I watch religiously that I could blog about so it would leave a void in my life the size of Wes’s balls.

Tonight Jillian went on the hometown visits to meet five families. This episode in every season is always a treat because there’s always some embarrassing family member. This season is no exception.

First off was a visit to Filthydelphia. The Canadian ingénue says she had no idea that the City of Brotherly Love was so beautiful and she could easily see herself living there. She admits to some nerves worrying about whether Reid’s parents will like her and approve of her. First off: who cares? What is this obsession on this series with families? Yeah, it’s a bonus if you mesh with your spouses family, but if you don’t you’ve got lots of company. I can’t count the number of friends who barely tolerate their in-laws. Thankfully, my in-laws are all peachy. And I’m not just saying that. I’m also typing it. Second off: Who's not going to fall immediately in love with adorable Jillian?

Reid’s parents, Rhonda and Larry, seem like good people, but I was a little concerned with the dollar signs in Rhonda’s eyes. She saw Jillian not as a person but as a designer. She said they would love a designer in their family because then the condos they hawk would sell faster. So welcome to the family, dear designer person. What was your name again?

The family doesn’t exactly give Reid a ringing endorsement. His brothers say Reid has commitment problems and the sister-in-law says they don’t usually see him being affectionate with people. Rhonda agrees that it’s a little shocking to see him that cuddly. Thanks for the support, family! At least Rhonda had the good sense to tell Jill that Reid has been hurt once. She must have been tipped off that that’s a turn-on for Jillian.

And she was indeed turned on, judging by the extend-o-smooch on the porch.

Next she visited Michael’s family in Valencia, California. Michael, as we all know, is a breakdance teacher in New York and his hometown is Tacoma, Washington. But Tacoma’s a hole so he rented out a family in California, including an “identical” twin that looks only marginally like himself. But he made sure to slip everyone uppers so Jill would be fooled into thinking they were related.

In a classic move, Michael and his “twin” decide to switch clothes. Michael shaves, too, to really pull the whole thing off. He’s going to find out what Jillian really thinks. So he enters the kitchen and asks to speak to her. Without skipping a beat, Jill asks, “So what did you do with the scruff?” Damn, foiled again! Maybe his parents just told the boys they were twins and they grew to believe it.

Jillian tells the family that on her list of non-negotiables is someone who makes her laugh. You know, like that card Wes. Golly, that good ol’ boy is hysterical! But obviously she loves that about Michael, too. For weeks I’ve been saying I have yet to see any evidence that Michael is funny. Tonight, Jillian explained it to my satisfaction. She said she has the ability to laugh at just about anything. I get it now. Kinda makes that non-negotiable list item superfluous, doesn’t it?

During dinner, Michael’s sister Jenna surprises him by returning from Australia. The opportunity for even the briefest bit of national TV exposure was worth the 20-hour flight. Then his parents cut a rug followed by everyone else getting in on the act. “Am I nuts or does that girl just fit right in?” marvelled Michael. The post-visit kiss was postively Jake-esque in its awkwardness.

While in California, she zips down to San Diego for a visit with Kiptyn’s family. I thought for sure we’d get an explanation for his ridiculous name, but no such luck. Pre-visit, Kiptyn told her that he has two dads and was so lucky. Knowing how homophobic Jillian was over the gay cowboy scene, I was kinda hoping Kiptyn had two dads in that sense. Again, no such luck.

His mom and step-dad’s house, though, was “beautiful and breathtaking”, according to Jillian. Indeed, it could sub for the series mansion any time they need a fill-in. Kiptyn obviously comes from money. Judging from his step-dad’s ‘stache, my guess is the money comes from the porn industry.

Frankly, I didn’t see Kiptyn’s parents coming. He seems so normal. His mom, who has the kind of face money can buy, seems like a real ballbreaker. In her heart-to-heart with Jillian, she speaks her mind. With every empty platitude Jill offered about love, Eve called her on it. Jillian believes in unconditional love. Not old Eve. Well, I guess having the second husband pretty much says that anyway. Jillian says she wants to work for her happiness. Uh-uh, says Eve. That’s a contradiction in terms. “How do you deal with an overbearing mother-in-law?” asks the potential mother-in-law. Run, Jill, run!

On the plus side, Eve does look drunk and says they love to drink fine wine. So I think Jill will fit in just fine.

On to wine country, where Jill meets up with Jesse the winemaker. Hmm, all this time we thought Wes wasn’t here for the right reasons, just to further his fledgling career as an godawful country warbler. Well, the first thing Jesse does is get in a plug for his family’s winery. I missed the name, though. No doubt Eve took note of it back in San Diego, though.

We meet Jesse’s mountain man of a brother, Jacob. Jill asks if he’s dating anyone and he says no. His mother jumps in, trying to protect her child on national television, saying, “Not at the moment anyway.” Jacob has nothing to hide, however. He says, “Not at the last moment and not in the moment from now.” He says women are expensive. Yeah, that’s the reason he’s not dating. I love that line. Why doesn’t he just say there are no womenfolk on the mountain he lives on?

Jacob tells Jillian that Jesse is like an “emotional ice cube” sometimes. He hasn’t seen anyone who’s been able to crack him. Thanks for my back, big brother! Then he says Jill’s a lot better than any other girl he’s brought around. Quit while you’re behind.

I don’t know if the show’s producers recommend that families put on a talent show for every hometown visit, but this one ends with the brothers rockin’ it out with Jacob on electric axe and Jesse banging on the skins. On one flourish, a drumstick slips out of Jesse’s hands and impales itself in Jacob’s hair. At least that’s the story he’d tell the cops if his plan had worked to stab Jacob in the head for ruining his chance with Jillian.

Last but certainly least is Wes’s family visit in Austin, Texas. But first, Wes would like us all... er, he’d like Jillian, that is, to meet his band. Ladies and gentlemen, Wes and the Weasels! I think that’s the name of his band, anyway. Did you know they have a new CD coming out? Everyone’s talking about it!... No wait, just Wes is talking about it.

Jillian, sporting her slutty red cowboy boots, is loving it. She feels he’s singing just for her, not the millions of potential customers at home. Her heart, she says, is going a mile a minute. She says she can’t help but feel she could be a real happy girl spending her life with Wes. I'm not making that up.

Thankfully, Gentleman Jake comes to her rescue. He says he’s not there to get a rose back, but I’m sure he would have liked one. Rather, he’s there to warn Jillian about the snake oil salesman that is Wes, who’s a deceiver, according to Jake... and just about everyone else. “It’s not fair,” says the all-American reject. “Wes has been playing with Jillian’s heart. I’m going to put a stop to it today.”

Meanwhile Jill is saying things like Wes is the most incredible, most talented guy she’s ever dated. Seriously. She said that.

But Jake struggles to tell her what no one else had the guts to say. That Wes has a girlfriend. I thought that would be it, but he actually names names. He says Wes told him more than three times that he has a girlfriend and her name is Laurel. Jillian tears up, bravely saying that’s okay. But she also says she wonders if she should call it quits now. Oh, that would have been divine, wouldn't it? Just walk away from it all, leaving ABC in the lurch.

All this happened before the family visit. Jillian says Wes has been talking about his family since the moment she met him, which only gives ammunition to those who think that Wes is getting the bad-guy edit from the show’s producers. Why haven’t we seen this? Why haven’t we seen one of his more than three admissions to Jake that he has a girlfriend? Surely the guy must have some redeeming qualities. Jillian can't be that gullible.

Then again, when she confronts him, Wes hardly is convincing in assuaging any fears. At least for the viewers. Jillian seems to buy the bullshit. When she asks him point blank about having a girlfriend, he literally hems and haws and says, “Um... that’s... crazy.” Then this telling sentence: “I’m being as honest with you as I possibly can.” Perfect! Jillian gets to hear what she wants to hear, and he can go on continuing to technically not lie. What does that even mean? As honest as he possibly can? Guys everywhere are going to be using this line for generations to come.

Jillian places a call to Jake, who conveniently happens to have a cameraman in his hotel room with him, and Jake hurries over to confront Wes. Wes sarcastically calls Jake a “man of character” and talks about Jake’s “shit-eating grin.” Everyone knows the best defense is a good offense, right?

Jake asks Wes to look him in the eye and tell him he didn’t say on multiple occasions that he has a girlfriend. Even though Wes didn’t, I thought it was a tactical error on Jake's part since I’m sure Wes could easily look anyone in the eye and tell them whatever they wanted to hear.

Jillian, stuck in the middle, has to figure out what she’s going to do and then just follow her gut. And I think we all know where that will lead. Does she trust the all-American perfect guy or the all-Texas bad-boy, she wondered? Wes practically admits all when he says he doesn’t want to drag something out if it’s not going to come to something, and he doesn’t want to put her through something, either. That’s as best as he can do without screaming, “Yes, I have a girlfriend! Get rid of me!”

Meanwhile, Jake bends over the railing in the hotel and cries, as per Bachelor etiquette.

So off to Wes’s family Jillian goes. She meets his step-mom, mother and three sisters. They all gush over him like he’s the only boy in the family... Oh yeah, he is. His step-mom says Wes is so straight-up and will always tell you the truth. Parents are so naive, aren’t they?

And then this: Jillian tells them, “You guys should be very proud of this one here. He’s a very special person.” You can’t write this stuff! What are we missing here?! C'mon, producers, 'fess up. Give us at least a glimpse into the Wes that Jillian sees. I'll hate him anyway, I promise.

Then this very special person ends the segment saying, “Jake is who Jake is – a backstabbing piece of shit.”

Back at the hotel, Jillian tells us she can’t handle any more surprises... Knock-knock-knock... Greg Brady walks into the room. He was just in the neighbourhood. Ed tells her he made a bad choice and wants back in. He says a couple guys would be compatible with her, but nobody would be more compatible and he wants another shot. So Jillian invites him to the rose ceremony. I guess that means he’s getting a rose... unless she has a wicked sense of humour and just wants to dispose of him properly this time around. I can dream, can’t I?

So now she has to get rid of two fellas instead of just the one. There are only four roses with now six bachelors. Going into the “borderline excrutiating” rose ceremony, I thought maybe Michael and Wes would be sent home. Then I remembered Kiptyn’s domineering mother, Jesse’s mountain-man brother, and Ed’s non-existant family. The only sure thing, I thought, was Reid.

With the five guys lined up, Chris reintroduces Ed into the mix. I’m sure Wes thought it would be Jake, but you can never tell what’s going on behind Wes’s vacant eyes. Michael, on the other hand, is an open book. He can't hide any emotion that courses through his veins. I’d love to play poker with that guy.

The roses are handed out. First one goes to Reid, who I thought had the best hometown date. Next up, somewhat surprisingly, is Kiptyn. But maybe not surprisingly, afterall. What girl wouldn’t want to marry into that kind of money, even if it does come from porn? Third rose goes to Ed. I would have thought they would save him till last. And the final rose goes to... Wes. Nothing to say here. I'm numb.

I’m really, really hoping that was the producer’s pick. If not, I’m pulling for a Wes-Jillian trainwreck of a final rose because she deserves what she gets. Maybe, though, she’s now just stringing him along so she can reel him in and then cut him loose. Trouble is, he’s unreelable.

On his way out, Jesse hugs Jillian without saying a word. Just leaves. He says, “I feel like shit right now. It sucks. It’s a tough pill to swallow.” He also says Wes is here for the wrong reasons. True, but Wes didn’t wear a dorky vest to the final rose ceremony at least.

Michael whispers that she’s got good guys “back there.” Then tells us, “For a girl that just dumped me, that just broke my heart, I could not say a bad thing about her.” The three things he wishes he could tell her: she’s beautiful, he’s going to miss her, and be happy. It was touching. I think that was his audition tape for the next Bachelor.

Next week they go to Spain. Looks like Ed came back just in time. Got to skip most of the stupid shenanigans and goes directly to Europe. He's a bright one, that Ed.

In the upcoming highlights package, Wes mentions his “girlfriend... I mean ex-girlfriend.” You see why the producers keep bringing him back? That is gold!

See you next week. Or, as Kiptyn's cultured parents would say, "A demain!"

Keep those comments coming.