Week Four: Sending them home two at a time

How’s everyone doing this week? I’m sick and tired. Not of The Bachelor. Good lord, no! Not of anything, actually. Just literally sick (hacking cough) and tired (but I took a brief nap before the show).

You know my view on spoilers, which is why I can’t follow Reality Steve this season. Not only does he depress me, because he’s way funnier than I’ll ever be, but he depresses me because he’s the annoying guy who always wants to tell you what’s going to happen before it happens. Still, I couldn’t help getting second-hand info from a friend who hadn’t yet read my blog and learned of my newfound anti-spoiler credo. So I’ve been told that he has predicted, with his tenuous insider info, the final two. Not only do I refuse to believe it, but I put that information outside my head. Gone. Plus, he takes this thing way too seriously. Get a grip, buddy. I mean, any guy who’d blog about such things... Oh wait. Nevermind.

We had 30 votes in last week’s poll. A little slippage but, as one friend said, all the girls are so blah it’s hard to pick a clear favourite. Last week, Front Runner Ali was still winning your hearts, but not as overwhelmingly. She doesn’t have most of the total votes anymore. The Front Runner has 11 of your votes. It’ll be interesting to see how she fares in this week’s poll knowing, through the magic of upcoming highlights, how catty she’s going to get over Spoiled Vienna. Dumb Divorced Tenley was second with 6 votes, followed by Ella Belle with 5, Classy Corrie with 4, Spoiled Vienna with 3 (thanks, Vienna’s family, for voting!), and Gia Pet has a single vote. Crazy Canuck Jessie and Kathryn the Faker, who can’t be long for this contest, got no votes. No surprise. But it is surprising that Ashleigh Diaz got no love.

Okay, I’m all hopped up on cough suppressant. Let’s do this thing:

SEGMENT 1: Chris informs the gals that everything’s about to change. And the man speaks the truth. Goodbye helicopters, hello RVs! The producers continue to shake things up. He tells them they will be leaving the house forever. Everyone. Get out.

They’ll be going up the California coast in one hour. Ella Belle is so “danged” excited. When she gets excited, she talks like a sailor. A sailor in a 1940s Busby Berkeley musical, that is.

Gia Pet has never been in an RV before and is understandably very nervous. Have you seen those things on the highway? They go upwards of 50 kph (30 mph for my American readers). She’s hoping it has a shower. Hmm, a shower? In an RV? Well, why the hell not. This is The Bachelor, where dreams come true.

Jake arrives on motorbike because he’s a macho man, remember? A dorky macho man, but a macho man nonetheless. Base camp is set up in a vineyard.

Front Runner Ali is getting cocky now. She says if she went on the 2-on-1 with Vienna, she’s the one who’d come back. Remember when she was comfortably the Front Runner and didn’t have to worry her pretty little head about anyone else? She was confident and mature. But that was so two weeks ago.

Gia Pet worries that she has no makeup on. Does it even matter, I wonder? Does makeup stick to plastic? And she gets called on the first, and only, one-on-one date of the episode. The hint: “Let’s go over the moon and go under the stars.” Usually the card’s hint you can maybe figure out, but not this one.

SEGMENT 2: Gia Pet just wants to look really cute for Jake on her first date with him. God bless her after what she’s been through on that scary, scary RV.

If there’s one thing she’s always wanted to do, she says, it’s to go to a vineyard. Has this girl ever done anything? I mean, I have never been to a vineyard, but I’ve driven past plenty. Still, it doesn’t seem like it’s so out of the realm of possibility to have it as one of your dreams.

At the vineyard, they play the most forced and awkward game of hide-and-seek in all of hide-and-seek history. He carries her with her legs wrapped around his waste, a la Jillian. They find a place to plop down and really get to know each other.

Gia Pet says she was a nerd as a kid. She wasn’t the drop dead gorgeous girl on the cheerleading squad, which might explain the plastic surgery.

In grade nine, Jake reveals he was called Mr. Dateless. Oh, kids can be ruthless, can’t they? Especially fictional kids. Because there’s no way anyone would be teased at the age of 14 about their lack of dating. Who dated in grade nine? Sure, some of the cool kids did, but the bulk of them? He says it wasn’t until grade 11 before he kissed a girl. *cough*Bullshit*cough

They have about four bottles of wine so they break out a game of spin-the-bottle. And like hide-and-seek before it, it might go down in spin-the-bottle history as one of the most awkward and phoney. But they do kiss. I wonder if her lips even felt it.

SEGMENT 3: The city mouse and the country mouse continue their date. Jake ain’t serving steak and caviar on this night. It’s hot dogs and smores on an open fire. What’s a smore? Does not knowing that make me a city boy? Guilty as charged.

Jake utters the first in a series of utterly ridiculous pickup lines this episode: “They say the smoke always goes to the prettiest one.” He’s smooth. In a dorky way.

As they lie down and talk of their dreams, Gia Pet accidentally lets slip this doozy: “I want to be married for a few years.” At least she’s honest. She wants a few kids and wants to adopt a baby girl from China. And a potbelly pig. Because, you know, they’re both so adorable.

Back at base camp, Ashleigh Diaz finds a group date card: Anonymous Jessie (the Crazy Canuck), Ashleigh Diaz, Dumb Divorced Tenley, Former Front Runner Ali, Spoiled Vienna, and Classy Corrie. The hint: “Next stop falling inn love.” Note the intentional typo. Hmm, what could it mean?

Who does that leave? Ella Belle and Kathryn the Faker. Kathryn’s as good as gone.

Back to the date with Gia Pet, the surprising part, she says, was that she wasn’t worrying how her hair looked or whether she had lipstick on. But she’s worried about something. Her heart could be broken. Jake gets the rose and makes his speech. He’s had a blast. No nail-biter here. She gets the rose. Now, talking to the camera, she’s really getting emotional. She hasn’t felt this way for a year and a half. She’s starting to become a real person. This is a side of Gia we haven’t seen before. Her face might melt.

So what did that date card mean? “Let’s go over the moon and go under the stars.” Oh, because they sat under the stars? Meh. Alright.

SEGMENT 4: The group date. The RV drives up the coast to Pismo Beach where you can drive on the sand. Jake follows on his chopper.

Former Front Runner Ali is struggling with the fact Spoiled Vienna is still there. Let it go, sistah. Don’t define yourself through her. Meanwhile, Vienna already feels like Jake is her boyfriend... On second thought, struggle. Because that girl is poison.

Jake wants the ladies to get dirty. Literally. Remember, he’s a God-fearing Christian man. When he says dirty, he means sand-in-your-crevices dirty. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Jake says he’s just naturally drawn to Dumb Divorced Tenley. Like attracts like, I guess. She finds the positive in everything. Maybe they’re a good match afterall. He doesn’t strike me as all that smart himself.

At a picnic on the sand dunes, Jake invites everyone to roll down the hill. They all sit there except for Classy Corrie. She’s really starting to open up, Jake says. Why would everyone else just sit there, you ask? Think about it. He asked them to roll down a hill. Surely they thought he was just joking. Wouldn’t you just stare in disbelief at the guy?

SEGMENT 5: Christian pun alert!: Jake loves dirty girls, he says. They arrive via stretch SUV to an inn that actual celebrities go to! Too exciting.

Ashleigh Diaz tells us that she had sand in every single crevice of her body. TMI, girlfriend.

In the continuing saga of lame Jake lines: “You guys clean up nice.” King of the cheese.

Ashleigh tells us she’d never want to come across as desperate, like some of the others. Then she’s all over Jake giving him the doe-eyes and carressing him. Mission: failed. Jake doesn’t feel much chemistry with her.

Former Front Runner Ali predicts Spoiled Vienna is going home. Which pretty much means she’s staying, right? I think we can all agree on that.

Another date card: It’s from Chris. “Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes.” The two remaining act like they didn’t know this. Kathryn the Faker is worried. As she should be because I had to look up her name to see who she was. The Bachelor Nation is with Ella Belle. Even I like her now. She’s sweet. She’s good looking (enough). She’s a good mother. She’d make a great wife for Jake.

Back at the inn, Jake needs to find out if Dumb Divorced Tenley is over her ex partner. He was a cop. She found out about his cheating ways through phone bills. So she’s a snoop.

Here’s something I either forgot or didn’t notice before: She’s only 25! She seems so mature. Whereas Spoiled Vienna totally seems the 23 she is.

Jake thinks Spoiled Vienna brings all the grief she gets from everyone else on herself. He’s been pumping the brakes a little bit with her, if you know what I mean.

The rose goes to the babydoll-voiced Dumb Divorced Tenley. Ashleigh Diaz suggests anyone that bubbly all the time is probably psychotic.

SEGMENT 6: The two-on-one takes place at Big Sur national forest. Kathryn the Faker, who we’ve barely gotten to know this season, kind of has a Madeline Kahn look and voice. And not in a good way.

At dinner with the three of them, Ella Belle asks Jake what he looks for in a woman and he says where they anchor their faith is the most important thing followed by family values. Ella talks more about her kid. Kathryn the Faker tries to get a word in and can’t. She feels like the third wheel. Maybe it’s time to slip that fake engagement ring on again.

Jake and Ella Belle go sit on the front porch. She wants him to see she’s more than just a mom. Maybe not talking about your kid at every opportunity might be the way to go then. Just a suggestion.

When Kathryn the Faker finally gets some alone time with Jake, he unloads another doozy, telling her he keeps getting lost in her eyes. And says how absolutely gorgeous she looks. Even with those compliments, she starts bitching that he doesn’t pay attention to her. Good move, Kathryn. Guys love unnecessary emotional volcanoes when they barely know you. And bossiness. You’re on the right track. Just keep on keeping on.

I see Kathryn is 25, too, but she looks way older, don’t you think?

SEGMENT 7: The girls back at the RV have no clue who will come home. Seems Jake doesn’t, either.

Jake asks to talk to Ella Belle outside and gives her the serious face. “Ella, I think you’re such an amazing person...” Here we go. She’s “the complete package...” He just lost half of America when he let her go, I think. She channels her inner Yoda and says, “Be wise in who you choose.” I think she was probably the most perfect match for him there. Maybe he had a hangup with raising someone else’s son.

Ooh, now he’s sending Kathryn the Faker home, too! I tell you, this guy is in charge. Screw the format!

Kathryn gets the biggest laugh of the night when she says, “I really thought I had the rose. I mean, did anyone see that coming at all?” Classic!

This is the first of many decisions he’s going to make that nobody’s going to understand, he says. And it’s only going to get worse. So Spoiled Vienna it is, it looks like!

I wonder why he didn’t get to keep the rose since both went home. But there it goes in the bonfire of the vanities.

SEGMENT 8: Former Front Runner Ali is fearful. “I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times, Vienna’s going home.” No, Ali, you’ve said it more times than that. She’s not alone, though. Classy Corrie also thinks Vienna’s a goner.

The RV pulls up to a mansion. It’s cocktail party time. Seven girls left. One woman goes home.

Former Front Runner Ali sucks up, telling him he thought what he did last night was "unbelievably honourable." Ironically, her saying this was the opposite.

Anonymous Jessie (the Crazy Canuck who bears a resemblance to a young brunette Rosanna Arquette) realizes it’s time to get some face time on camera before her 15 minutes of fame are over and the only way she can do that is by badmouthing Spoiled Vienna to Jake. It works for everyone else. And sure enough it works again. There she is on our TV. My wife said, “Who is that?”

Jessie tells Jake that Vienna is self-centered and spoiled. She has to top everything. She talks about the cars she’s crashed. Her dad writes cheques to cover them for her. Jake says he appreciates the information. He’s an automoton.

I can see that Spoiled Vienna is good looking but I don’t like her looks. How is it that being spoiled can show up on her face? Am I reading too much into what we’ve been told? She tells Jake she just jokes around and the other girls are so uptight they don’t get it. She is convincing, I’ll give her that.

Former Front Runner Ali says if Spoiled Vienna stays, and she’s lucky enough to get a rose, she’ll accept it with dignity, then have a conversation he would never expect. I can't imagine what she's talking about since everyone has already had that conversation with him already and he keeps picking her.

SEGMENT 9: Rose ceremony. Gia Pet, who it appears has used a whole stick of lipstick over her collagen, and Dumb Divorced Tenley are in. Four roses to be handed out. One goes home. Let me pause the PVR a second to make a prediction. I say Ashleigh Diaz will go home; my wife says Anonymous Jessie (or, as she calls her, “the dark haired girl”).

And now in order they are:

3. Former Front Runner Ali. A no-brainer.
4. Classy Corrie. Totally.

Jake’s losing it a bit. He’s a total wreck. He needs a minute. Full-on documentary style as we see the crew behind the scenes while the camera wobbles out to follow Jake in his search for Chris.

Jake needs advice. Does he have to give out two more roses, he needs to know? And we break for commercial.

So if he does just give out one more, who will it go to? My wife thinks it’ll go to Spoiled Vienna. Maybe. See, I’ve been tainted by those cursed spoilers courtesy of Virtual Steve. But if I didn’t know that, I’d say Anonymous (formerly Crazy Canuck) Jessie.

SEGMENT 10: Isn’t Chris just a host? Does he call the shots? [Just checked the credits after the show. A series of producers was listed before Chris Harrison, who is named as the host only.] Does Chris get to make the final call? Shouldn’t he get paid more for those kinds of on-the-fly decisions? Or are we not seeing the full picture. Surely he has to go talk it over with his bosses first.

Anyway, Jake wins. Chris takes a rose away. Two will be going home now instead of just one. And the last rose goes to...
5. Spoiled Vienna!!!

Oh well, at least there will be fun in the house next week and a reason for us all to come back. Looks like the wife and I were both originally right. Anonymous Jessie and Ashleigh Diaz are both going home. But at least they can go away feeling pretty good about themselves. They both know they're better than Spoiled Vienna.

Former Front Runner Ali looks crestfallen.

Jake the pilot is on autopilot. “You’re absolutly amazing,” he tells Jessie. “You have a beautiful heart. I heard every word you said.” Uh, apparently not.

Former Front Runner Ali is pissed.

Jessie is disappointed in herself. I think it was the skimpy outfit and the green eyeshadow that did her in.

Here we go with Ashleigh Diaz. Disengage autopilot, Capt. Jake! But no. He’s all, “I’m so glad you came. Blah blah blah.” But Ashleigh Diaz makes it all worthwhile: “Vienna over me? Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? That is awesome. If he can’t see what kind of person Vienna is over me, I pity him. There’s a reason why she doesn’t have any friends in the house. I do feel like I’m the most compatible. I’m the most mature.” she says with mascara running down her cheeks.

So where does that leave us? Gia, Tenley, Ali, Corrie, and Vienna... One of these things is not like the other/One of these things just doesn’t belong. Good times ahead.

I did happen to catch Jake on Jimmy Kimmel Live last week and unlike other Bachelor/ettes, he wouldn’t even admit to having chosen anyone. Usually they’re coy and say they’re in love and found someone, but he couldn’t even do that. So who knows.

That’s it for another week. Comments are always welcome. Ah, who am I kidding? They’re the only thing that keeps me going.

Week Three: Jake takes a stand

Now where were we?

Ah yes, when we last left you, Wrong Reason Rozlyn left us prematurely, presumably for having an “inappropriate relationship” with a member of The Bachelor crew. I haven’t read any spoilers, but I did happen upon a headline about the sitchy-ation and skimmed it enough to learn that Roz denies she did anything wrong. Or something like that. It did strike me that the whole thing is a tad hypocritical given the series itself is based on a Bachelor/ette making out with multiple dates before ultimately choosing one. We can even surmise that sex is involved on many an overnight date (except for, inexplicably, sweet virginal Jillian). So is it really all that shocking that Rozlyn had a little thing with some dude? I did notice in the article I skimmed that hot Rozlyn has a criminal record. Nice. Maybe they found that out and a producer took one for the Bachelor team by engaging her in some hanky-panky so they’d have a reason to toss her. I love me a good conspiracy theory!

And if the upcoming highlights are any indication (and they usually aren’t), someone else is going home prematurely tonight. I think I predicted Elizabeth the Nanny, but we’ll see.

Looking at last week’s poll, I see we have surpassed last week’s numbers, shooting all the way up to 33 votes. Front Runner Ali is still living up to her moniker, leading the way with a whopping 24 votes. Dumb Divorced Tenley continues to surprise in second place with 4 votes, Unbalanced Michelle gets 2 (okay, one of them belongs to me), and Spoiled Vienna, Gia Pet and Ella Belle each with 1. Let’s see if we can get more votes each week. I really appreciate the comments, too. Good stuff there.

You know my wife is under strict guidelines not to reveal anything to me upon my return from my weekly basketball game. And she hasn’t. But tonight she smiled and said she wished she could stay up and watch it again with me, so it must be a good one. Can’t wait. Here we go:


SEGMENT 1: The date card. Spoiled Vienna gets a one-on-one date, meaning she’s probably going home. He can’t possibly give a rose to her. I don’t see them as a match. But then again, Jake has no clue what he’s looking for so maybe she’ll stay. The date clue is, “Let’s fall head over heels together.” Hmm... what could it be? Gymnastics? Sixty-nine? I have no idea.

Unbalanced Michelle says she sees herself as very attractive. For once, she’s right about something. She is. But there was a quick undecipherable edit there when she follows it by saying Vienna is the opposite of her. The implication being she thinks Vienna is ugly. But I seriously doubt she said that or meant it.

Front Runner Ali is starting to show a chip in her armour. Now she’s spouting off like a crazy person that her date with Jake was so special it’s strange to see him going out on another one-on-one. I think she channelled her inner Michelle. She should stick to taking the high road if she wants to remain number one in our weekly poll.

Hold the phone, people! They sent a helicopter for Vienna and Jake! Man, this show continues to break new ground. I don’t know how they do it. Vienna is gobsmacked, too. When she sees it approaching, she asks if it’s for them. That’s a perfectly reasonable question because who would ever have seen that coming?

They fly over the mansion and I get a glimpse of Unbalanced Michelle’s lower back. She’s got a tramp stamp! Yes! Psychotic and has made bad choices she’ll regret ten years from now. It doesn’t get any better than this!

The helicopter descends to a secluded bridge in a canyon where the couple will bungee jump to their deaths. At least that’s how they both seem to feel. She’s afraid of heights... and so is the pilot! That’s encouraging. Remind me not to fly with him. But if he is freaked out, why this date? Did they foist it upon him?

Sitting on the edge of the bridge, Jake says he doesn’t think he can do this. Oh, what drama! Will he or won’t--. Oh yeah, they’ve already shown the bungee jump clip a few times in the upcoming highlights in past weeks. Way to sabotage your own program, producers.

Hanging upside down after the jump, Jake kissed Vienna. There goes my prediction. I guess she’ll be getting a rose.

SEGMENT 2: The couple enjoy a big-ass glass of white wine and reminisce about their crazy jump. Is it me or does Jake sound totally awkward? He can’t possibly be this stiff in real life, can he? At some point, people on this show loosen up and forget they’re surrounded by cameras and crew for 20 hours a day. This is season two for Jake and he still won’t let his guard down.

Jake tells Spoiled Vienna that he’s looking for a wife that’s nurturing. And he’s fooled into thinking Vienna has a nurturing side. But silly Jake, Vienna probably pays people to nurture for her. He thinks she’s “absolutely here for the right reasons.” He would know. I think his track record speaks for itself.

As they switch to red wine, Jake wants to make sure she’s at a place in her life where she can handle a relationship. Come on, Jake. The woman has a four-month marriage under her belt when she was 18. She’s 23 now. She can handle anything. He tells Vienna he’s looking for his best friend “in the whole world” (I love it when grown-ups talk like six-year-olds).

Back at the house, the group date card arrives. The lucky winners are Classy Corrie, Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny (I just added the ‘nutso’ part -- hope you like it), Front Runner Ali, Dumb Divorced Tenley, Ashleigh Diaz, Crazy Canuck Jessie, Kathryn the Faker, and Unbalanced Michelle. Woo-hoo! We got some big-time cuckoo action coming up. Sweet. The clue: “Love is no laughing matter... or is it?” Hmm, I wonder if this has anything to do with the Jon Lovitz teaser we saw earlier. (Thanks again, producers, for nothin’.)

Unbalanced Michelle’s voice quivers as she tells us she really wanted a one-on-one date so she could get to know Jake better.

The girls seem to have a hate-on for Spoiled Vienna. So now, of course, I’m really hoping she gets that rose.

The wine is finally hitting Jake as they hit the hot tub. As Vienna sits there in a sexy green bikini, Jake lets loose with, “Thank you for helping me off that bridge.” Oh, Jake, you charmer! Then, as Vienna is giving him the do-me look, he gets up to retrieve the rose. And she gets it! Look out, mansion. Things are just heating up.

The triumphant Vienna comes home and excitedly tells the girls all about her date. The looks on all their faces is priceless. Ashleigh Diaz says she would rather watch paint dry than listen to Vienna go on about her date. Front Runner Ali says she’s “shooken” up, further decreasing her front runner status. She’s shocked that Vienna came home.

SEGMENT 3: Jake takes the eight to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. For those who don’t know, Lovitz was a hilarious member of the cast of Saturday Night Live and has since gone on to a fledgling career as a very average stand-up comedian. After just a few years into the game, he’s opened up his own comedy club. That’s what being famous gets you. There are a million better stand-up comics than Lovitz, but they’re not known.

More priceless looks from the women as Jake informs them they’re about to meet... Jon Lovitz! Whooooo!!! Safe to say, that’s probably the first time in his life he’s ever had that reaction. Don’t get me wrong, I really like Lovitz as a comic actor. He makes me laugh just listening to him. But as a stand-up comic... not so much.

Turns out the ladies will be performing on this date. Performing comedy, that is. Intentional comedy. Or trying to. I’ve judged a few stand-up competitions in my day and write about the art form, so you can imagine how excited I am at seeing eight first-timers getting national exposure when there are super talented comics out there who will never be known to the masses. Still, I love a woman with a sense of humour, so this might seriously change the way I look at them. My pencil is sharpened. I’m ready to laugh. Bring it on.

But first, there’s another card. A one-on-one date awaits one lucky lady. Vienna announces that Ella Belle gets her wish. “Let’s lift off to another world,” the card says. What could that mean? Another plane ride? Helicopter trip? A rocket to the moon?

Back at the club, Ashleigh Diaz starts crying. She describes herself as “the calm collective [sic] girl”. Sigh. Anyway, Jake offers her a joke she can use in her set. Ooh, I can’t imagine how hilarious it will be! That Jake is renowned for his sense of the ha-ha. But Ashleigh is a mess. That’s a sign. High maintenance.

Turns out the girls have to perform for a real crowd. Full of old people in Hawaiian shirts, yet! This is going to be gold.

SEGMENT 4: Lovitz opens the show. Did I tell you he was extremely average? (Full disclosure. I’ve interviewed him twice and if you really want to, you can read one of them here.)

Ali takes the bullet (comedy parlance for going up first). She does a toilet joke followed by gales of laughter. Bad joke, bad delivery. Next!

I think Crazy Canuck Jessie was next, and she actually looked good. I’m not sure I got her joke about her family starring in a sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding called They’re So Fat I Can’t Even Tell They’re Greek, but I liked her delivery and confidence on stage. Then again, we all know Canadians are just naturally funny.

Dumb Divorced Tenley gets all Victoria Jackson with a physical bit, lying on the floor with her ankles over her head. She won’t win points in the comedy competition but no doubt Jake sat up and took notice.

Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny also had great stage presence, but I couldn’t make out what she said. Something about a big dick. She knows that dick jokes are a sure-fire route to success in comedy clubs. Then she gets bleeped again. Jake is amazed that she went from no kissing to totally raunchy. “Wow, who is this girl?” he asked. He actually bought her as a spiritual prude.

Kathryn is comfortable on stage, but has no material. She brings Jake down to kiss him. The punchline being that she has no punchline; she just wanted to see how his lips tasted. No punchline? She’s got a future in alternative comedy. Michelle shoots daggers at Kathryn's schtick. Then tells us that when she finally kisses Jake, they’re going to go at it like animals. French animals, apparently.

It’s Unbalanced Michelle’s turn. Great delivery from her, too. But what the hell is she talking about? "Did you notice the palm trees? There’s no coconuts on them. I wonder where they are!” Silence. Tap, tap. Is this mic on? C’mon, folks, I know you’re out there, I can hear you breathing! What is this, an audience or an oil painting?... Then a “joke” about golf. She’s just waiting for that “hole to get her one-on-one.” The audience groans, but what does the joke even mean? Yes, I get the double-entendre, but she’s waiting for it? As Ali says, “she just seems a little off.”

Ashleigh gets cold feet and refuses to go on. So they go to Classy Corrie. She does impressions of the girls in the house. Yes! Showing some originality and some spirit. Her impersonation of Tenley makes me not feel so bad for saddling her with the nickname Dumb Divorced Tenley. Corrie plays her like a total airhead. Then she does a cute little Kathryn impression, getting bleeped every other word followed by a perfect Spoiled rich girl Vienna, saying, “I love walking around topless. I love showing my boobs off.” Really? And we can’t even see pixilated proof of that? Didn’t some dude on Survivor spend a whole season naked? Anyway, Jake looks stunned at that bit of information. Maybe that rose was premature. Corrie continues with the Vienna bashing and the other girls are eating it up. It’s a wake-up call for Jake. Well played, Classy Corrie, well played. You don’t have to go to Jake privately and express your concerns over girls there for the wrong reasons now. You found a way to achieve the same results as part of the show. Brava!

Now Ashleigh Diaz needs to follow that bravura performance. She should have come on when she was first called. She recited a series of unoriginal blonde jokes, followed by her own laughs. Thumbs down. But Jake gives her the sympathy hug telling her how great she did. Knowing Jake’s sense of humour, I don’t doubt he believes it.

Based on what we saw, the clear-cut winner is Classy Corrie. Maybe not the classiest of performances, but the best one. And she’s gone up a notch in my books.

SEGMENT 5: At the wrap party, Dumb Divorced Tenley sits Jake down to tell him about her past. Here we go. She thinks it’s totally unfair that she has to tell a man that she could possibly be with forever about this. She’s choking up and Jake looks like he’s not ready to hear what she has to say. Here it is: She was married (this just in, Dumb Divorced Tenley! 'Divorced' actually implies marriage at some point), her husband had an affair and he left her. And he was the only man she’s been with. And not only that but... oh, that’s it. Pretty uneventful. They smooch hard.

Ashleigh chooses to spend her precious time with Jake telling him that the girls were livid about Vienna coming back into the house. And sure enough, back at the house, the rest of the girls are giving it to Vienna. Vienna strikes back by calling Gia Pet fake. She doesn’t explicitly mention the collagen or plastic surgery, but that’s gotta be what she means, right? Gia now thinks Vienna is dangerous. Vienna writes a letter to Jake up in her room. Will she be the one to go?

Now soon-to-be former Front Runner Ali tells Jake her feelings on Lightning Rod Vienna (aka Spoiled Vienna). He’s gotta be experiencing a lot of self-doubt. He got it completely wrong with Wrong Reason Rozlyn and now he’s failed to see Spoiled Vienna for who she apparently is. No wonder he’s still single.

SEGMENT 6: Unbalanced Michelle is lashing out at her critics. To be fair, Front Runner Ali wasn’t really criticising her, but that’s how Michelle took it. You don’t get that nickname by being reasonable. She keeps repeating that she’s there to find love and get married. Also, her mom wants grandchildren. Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny says Michelle doesn’t need a husband; she needs a therapist. Meow!

Jake tells Michelle it’s been a rough night for him and instead of being nurturing and asking why and feigning interest, she turns it back on herself. “I really, really, really want a husband,” she tells him. If I were a guy (come to think of it, I am), I’d run in the opposite direction if I heard that. And I’m married! It just reeks of desperation. When I hear something like that, I hear, “I really, really, really want any husband. Doesn’t matter who. I just need a husband. You’ll do.” She says she can’t continue this process without knowing if he’s feeling the same way she does. So maybe she’s the one to go because how can he promise that? Nobody in their right mind feels the way she does. If she weren’t so beautifully off her rocker, I’d want her sent packing.

Now she says, “Would it be awkward if I asked if I could kiss you to see if I really feel something? For me?” What guy could refuse a come on like that?! Bring it on! And make sure there’s plenty of tongue, big fella! Jake shrugs and goes in for a lip lock. It’s a total head kiss. That is, he went in with just his head. Then he backed away with a big grin. “You gotta give me something more than that!” she said. “Are you kidding? That was nothing.” Oh yeah, she’d be a breeze to live with. It’s time to make babies and make her momma happy!

But Jake is a beaten man. He tells her he’s just ready for this night to be over. He needs to go home and digest. Digest? I think that means he needs to go poo.

But it’s back to Michelle. It’s all about her, right? She tells him she can’t stay, even though she’d like to. To spend that time with him and not be able to kiss him (the way she wants to kiss him) really hurts her. I think it’s a cry for attention. She wants him to beg her to stay. And sure enough, now she’s saying if he wants her to stay, she’ll stay. He says he thinks it would be better if she did leave, which flabbergasts her. Oops, wrong line of attack U.M. She says she can’t believe he’s doing it! Priceless! Now she’s playing victim! “He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue.” It couldn’t have been because you threatened to leave twice, could it? Nah.

So Unbalanced Michelle is gone. And I’m torn. I thought she was the best looking girl left. And oh what fun we could have had with the unhinged one still around. But it’s for the best. There’s always Vienna for needless drama.

Jake is breaking all the rules! He doesn’t break the rules; he makes the rules, baby! Not only did he turf Michelle, but he ain’t giving out no rose. Suck on that. You heard da man. This date is over, biatches.

SEGMENT 7: The one-on-one with Ella Belle. Maybe I should have called her Boring Ella. But we’ll see.

Jake wants to do something special for Ella because it was her birthday the other day. You’ll never guess what he arranged! A helicopter! Ella said, “I never imagined in a million years that a helicopter was gonna come pick us up.” I know! I can’t believe the producers procured a freakin' helicopter for the show, either! They spare no expense. I am constantly blown away at their creativity. That’s why we watch, right?!

At the house, Vienna apologizes to the girls for the way she acted. I think. But she knows they’re all just jealous and she has the closest relationship with Jake. Front Runner Ali doesn’t accept the apology and let’s her know it. Bring on the waterworks from Vienna. This fake apology isn't going nearly as well as planned when she wrote it out on her bed.

Jake and Ella go to Sea World. The biggest surprise is yet to come, he says. What, are they going to bring her son here? Could it be, Bachelor? Outdoing yourself yet again... Oh look, they did it! It’s little Ethan. Who’d a thunk it?! Ella had no idea. It’s clear she’s never once seen an episode of The Bachelor in her life. Had no idea about the helicopter and had no idea about the surprise visit from her son. Stephanie is sitting home (alone, probably) right now with her mascara running down her cheeks. She might be the only one.

But I gotta admit, I like Ella more now. She’s still boring, but boring is under-rated.

SEGMENT 8: How many changes of clothing did they bring on this trip to Sea World? At one moment she’s wearing a short blue skirt with cowboy boots, then we see her in ripped jeans and an orange off-the-shoulder shirt. That's a good rule of thumb, girls. When going on a first date, always bring an extra outfit.

Little Ethan loves aviation. He’s memorized everything his mom drilled him on. It may just pay off. Sure enough, Ella gets the rose. Jake even seems the most natural he’s been in two seasons. Maybe she’s the one for him.

SEGMENT 9: The third rose ceremony is coming up after the requisite cocktail party. Two women go home.

Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny asks Jake if he’s good at back rubs. Run, Jake, run! As far away and as fast as you can! Jake is cluing into her game. He calls her the queen of mixed signals. He’s not supposed to kiss her but physically she’s all over him. Her explanation is that she has a jealous side. RUN, I tell you, RUN! Jake is telling her not to tease him. They get into it a bit but are interrupted by Spoiled Vienna, who already has a rose. I’m glad I added the Nutso to her nickname, because Elizabeth goes back to the other girls and gives her side of what happened: “He wanted me to kiss him...” Really, Elizabeth? You know those cameras following you around all day actually have film in them.

Now Vienna is telling Jake she doesn’t think she’s a bad person; she’s just honest. She is totally mustering up all the cute and charming she possibly can. That’s good enough for gormless Jake.

Elizabeth is the new Michelle. She says she can get a date any day of the week, but she’s there to find love. And she doesn’t understand why he’s pressuring her to kiss him. Huh? Did I miss something? Unless it was lost in the editing, he did no such thing. If she thinks he did, she’s delusional. Or, if you will, Nutso. And I think you will.

The girls are all pissed that Vienna, with a rose, is taking one-on-one time away from those who don’t have a rose. On this, I gotta side with the selfish one. Since time immemorial girls have been interrupting girls, guys have been interrupting guys. It’s the way the show works. And the way everyone went to Jake to dump on her, it’s only natural that she’d want to go and talk to him personally.

Nutso Elizabeth is back with Jake now. And he needs to remember that she is choosing him, not vice versa. Snap! She’s really egging him on to kiss her and he’s not biting. Good for him. She’s got to be as good as gone. Talk about in it for the wrong reasons. Then again, Jake isn’t exactly batting 1.000 in culling the herd.

SEGMENT 10: Jake isn’t 100 percent sure who he’s going to send home. Vienna and Ella already have roses. Here are the rest, in order:

3. Gia Pet. Her lips almost moved when she accepted.
4. Classy Corrie. Humour wins out.
5. Dumb Divorced Tenley.
6. Front Runner Ali.
7. Crazy Canuck Jessie. Remember her?
8. Kathryn the Faker.
9. Ashleigh Diaz.

So long Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny and Dirty Valishia, the single homemaker, who got absolutely no screen time this week. Poor Valishia. She says she’s used to things not going her way, and can’t hold back the tears. It's tough being a homemaker without a husband or family. Elizabeth says, “I shoulda kissed you.” Uh, yeah. The lesson here is don’t play games.















Next week: Jake walks away from the final two roses and asks Chris if he has to give them out. Thanks for the spoiler, ABC. Well done. Then we see him throwing one in a bonfire. Oh, the humanity!

Well, that’s it. We’ll see you back here in a week. Add your comments below. I always like hearing what everyone else is thinking.

Week Two: Someone's there for the wrong reasons...

Okay, let’s do this, Bacheloristas. I’m back from basketball. The PVR is ready and waiting. Had some leftover lasagna and a beer and I’m sleepy. But my public awaits! Thanks, by the way, for the comments. If it weren’t for the four I got, I’d probably wait a day or two to do this. Keep the comments coming. Let’s all band together and share our thoughts on the train wreck that is our favourite reality TV series.

Anonymous from California asked who my top five were. I had to really dig deep to come up with five. And they are 1. Front Runner Ali, 2. Classy Corrie, 3. Unbalanced Michelle, 4. Professor Ashley, and 5. Elizabeth the Nanny. These could change from week to week. Sara from New Hampshire asked why I had Unbalanced Michelle in the mix. It was a tough call, Sara, but I went with her for a few of reasons: She’s really quite fetching, craziness aside. And I’m hoping that she’s the victim of the bad edit that befalls one contestant a season (and that’s what they are, right? Contestants). She can’t really be that nutso, can she? I guess we’ll find out. And finally, everyone else sucks.

The poll received 27 votes. The winner in a landslide as your favourite was Front Runner Ali, with 13 votes. But there's some love out there for Dumb Divorced Tenley, who was second with 7 votes. Elizabeth the Nanny had 2 votes, while Gia Pet, Professor Ashley, Wrong Reason Rozlyn, Classy Corrie and Unbalanced Michelle each received 1 vote. If you didn't hear your favourite's name, that's because they got a goose-egg. If you love them so much, vote for 'em! This week, we'll discard the detritus and post a new poll. Make sure you vote.

Jennhudson asked if I avoid spoilers. You know what? I haven’t in the past, but I didn’t actively seek them out. Well, I guess I did, but only because I was bored and I cared so much for the best Bachelorette in history, Jillian. This time around? I don’t think I’m going to. The word itself says it all: it spoils the show. Why would I want to do that? Don’t you hate finding out the score of the game you’re about to watch ahead of time? Why would I try to hunt for info before seeing the show? My wife is on strict orders not to mention a thing to me when I get home. I want to see it fresh and unfettered, just the way the editors intended. It’s bad enough we have to endure endless upcoming highlights that reveal too much.

Okay, enough chit-chat. It’s showtime!

SEGMENT 1: Chris gathers the girls and explains how the dates work. I’m glad he straightened that out. I’ve never been 100 percent clear on the whole rose thing.

First date card: Gia Pet, Wrong Reason Rozlyn, Dirty Valishia, Classy Corrie (still looking totally classy, btw), Bitchy Christina and Asheigh Diaz. (For explanations on the nicknames, see last week’s post.) These ladies are giddy with excitement over this group date. They don’t even know what they’ll be doing. But Jake (or, more likely, the producer or writer) wrote “A picture is worth a thousand words”, which was met with squeals of delight. Ooh, what could it mean?! Well, thanks to the stupid upcoming highlights, we know it’s a photo shoot.

Unbalanced Michelle said she’d have liked to have been included, but she kept a stiff upper lip. Deep breath, Michelle, deep breath.

Bitchy Christina has no idea what the date is all about (I know, that sure was a cryptic clue!), but she’s sure it’ll be the best first date with her future husband... and five of his girlfriends. It’s a fairybook tale, ain’t it?

Jake thinks he’s turned a corner. No more nice guys finish last. This 31-year-old loser is finally going to get a girlfriend! He walks in with his shirt unbuttoned like it’s 1977. Some of the girls are sitting around in their panties. Or maybe it’s bathing suit bottoms. Either way, it’s odd attire for the living room.

Wrong Reason Rozlyn, the model, is showing off the ladies, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

Jake introduces the women to his good friend, Hal, who enters laughing, probably at the thought that Jake considers him a friend. Turns out Hal is the fashion director for InStyle magazine. And, amazingly enough, he’s also flambouyantly gay. Go figure.

Christina’s not a happy camper. She’s up against two professional models in Wrong Reason Rozlyn and Gia Pet (a swimsuit model) with a face made to order. Literally.

Rozlyn knows what she’s doing... that is, if she usually poses for Beaver magazine. She lifts her leg next to Jake and something gets pixilated. It’s probably not what they want us to think it is. It’s just her cha-cha, apparently, according to Bitchy Christina. There, I told you. She must have been wearing underpants with maracas on them. No matter, we’ve learned that Bitchy Christina is the house comedian. The producers will go to her for the catty comments.

She’s really uncomfortable, which is just setting her up for the rose, we can all agree. But I don’t see why they had to dress her in a frock just because she wasn’t a professional model.

SEGMENT 2: The wrap-party. Holy crap! Asheigh Diaz just interrupts Jake and Gia Pet wearing a skimpy bikini. Jake strips down to his bathing suit, which were more like bathing pants. I hope women never go the baggy shorts route. Do you women actually like that? Don’t you like to see more of the guy just as us guys like to see more of you?

The two of them get in the pool and you’ll never believe it but there happens to be a camera under the water. I know! We see Ashleigh Diaz doing the Harris wrap-around to Jake. Doesn’t last long, though, because all the others show up in their teeny-weenie bikinis. I want to make it clear this isn’t why I watch The Bachelor. Nor is it the reason why I pause the PVR and rewind over and over again. I just need the details for the blog. That’s all.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, another envelope arrives to the usual hoots and hollers. The lucky girl who gets to go on the one-on-one date gets to wear... wait for it... an expensive necklace! Boy, the producers really went all out during the off-season to change things up. Still, the ladies are excited as all get out even though there was no name with the card. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Unbalanced Michelle tried it on in the hopes that was the secret to landing the date. (I really like her look, I’ll give her that.)

Man, Christina is getting a lot of face time. Is she the one who entered into an inappropriate relationship with a crew member? Why else would she get so much more airtime than anyone else? Or maybe she just bribed them with jellybeans. It also helps that they plied her with alcohol. Alcohol + a chick with a mouth = great television.

Wrong Reason Rozlyn interrupts Chrissy and Jake. Man, she (Rozlyn) is a knockout. I hope she lasts long enough that Playboy offers her large sums of money to pose nude. (I know, I’m a sexist pig. And I know women make up a large percentage of my readership. But let’s face it, if she were in Playboy, you’d check it out, too.)

Hey, I just noticed it says Rozlyn is a model and a make-up artist. What a talented girl! Was that always there? It’s like Gia Pet is a model/hair salon owner. If you’re a decent model, doesn’t that take up pretty much all of your time? Posing for your boyfriend doesn’t make you a model.

Rozlyn shuts Jake up with a major-league kiss. Will that loosen up the tense Jake? We’ll see. She said it was perfect. He said he’s never dated a girl like Rozlyn before. We’ll put that down under the “Well, duh!” category. He says he’s out of his comfort zone with her. Yeah, boobies will do that to a guy. And guess who gets the rose?! I won’t torture you any longer. It was Rozlyn, who immediately gets all mushy talking about the sense of accomplishment, her competitiveness, and her strategy for the rest of the date.

SEGMENT 3: Who will get the one-on-one? Michelle reads the card. The lucky winner is Front Runner Ali, who gets to go flying with Jake. She sheds tears of joy, saying she’s the luckiest girl in the world.

I’m not sure if she’s still the Front Runner, but she’s lovely. What’s not to like? They ride off on his motorbike and pull up at the airport. Oh, right, she’s the one afraid of flying. Nice, Jake. I guess this will be a true test. And if she fails, she’s going home.

She’s like me. She doesn’t like flying in a commercial jet, let alone in a two-seater. I empathize. He says he’s just going to do a “real quick pre-flight” check of the airplane. That’s two words I don’t want to hear from my pilot: real quick. Take your time, Jake. Make sure it’s right. He wants to show her how calm and free flying is. If that means he stalls the engine, he’s a jerk. She actually was okay with the experience. Meanwhile, I’m getting jitters just watching.

SEGMENT 4: The plane lands in Palm Springs and they drive off in a vintage convertable. They drive onto a field and eventually find their way over to their dinner table, with the rose sitting by. Front Runner Ali lists off her former boyfriends: Jim, Jason, Jared, and Jordan. Hmm. She thinks that’s a good sign. It tells me that she can’t keep a relationship with guys whose name starts with J.

A new card arrives back home. The last date before the rose ceremony will include Elizabeth the Nanny, her fake boobs, Crazy Canuck Jessie, Kathryn the Faker, Professor Ashley and Spoiled Vienna. All seven of them. The clue?: “Love has its ups and downs.”

That leaves Unbalanced Michelle (who’s not ordinary like the other women, she says), Ella Belle and Dumb Divorced Tenley out in the cold. Michelle says, “Jake showed me that he didn’t want to be with me. So tough for him.”

Back on the date with Front Runner Ali, and she gets the rose. He sees that she’s a beautiful person inside. They smooch. But the biggest surprise is saved for last. You’ll never believe it but a private concert by a B-list band is next! (Okay, okay, the band is Chicago and I actually like them, but that shows my age and they aren’t exactly topping the charts these days, although on the casino circuit they’re da bomb.) Once again, the producers have outdone themselves with originality.

SEGMENT 5: The group date. They get free run of Six Flags amusement park. Ergo love having its ups and downs. Get it? Roller coaster? Hello?

Unbalanced Michelle, back at the house, is living up to her name and packing her bags and crying. Oh, she’s a handful that one. She’d be a disaster in a relationship. Still, though, I have a bit of a soft spot for her. Or maybe I just like good television.

Elizabeth the Nanny is playing games. A jock, she’s in it to win it. She might. Guys love nannies. Ask Robin Williams. She reads him a note scribbled in tiny writing the Unabomber would envy. What the hell? But it just might work. It’s about as natural sounding as Jake in his day-to-day conversations so he might buy it. She and her fake boobs tell him not to even think of kissing her unless he’s decided he wants to spend the rest of her life with her and her fake boobs. She’s pulling the Wes card. Jake respects her old-fashioned values. But I suspect them. She’s just telling him what she thinks he wants to hear.

SEGMENT 6: Back at Magic Mountain Jake isn’t sure who to give the rose to. I don’t blame him with this group.

Spoiled Vienna sits Jake down to tell him a secret. Let me guess: She’s got a kid.

Nope. She was engaged to her pastor’s son. She wasn’t ready, broke it off, and within a month he got married and was expecting a child. So as revenge, she eloped with some guy at the age of 18. The happy union lasted four months. She’s tearing up telling him all this when Professor Ashley enters with drinks.

The Prof seems decent enough, but she laughs like Burt Lancaster (I’m not that old, but I’m old enough to remember Rich Little doing impressions of him). And she was cute when saying she gave Jake the look but didn’t receive a kiss. “How could he not want to kiss me?!” she said.

He gives the rose to someone who really opened up. That’d be Elizabeth the Nanny. So we know how to get to Jake: Be smoking hot and super aggressive. Worked for Rozlyn, and now Elizabeth. Coincidentally, two gals who probably aren’t the right fit for straight-ahead Jake. But he’s too dumb to know it.

She admits to playing hard-to-get because “that’s what I deserve”. Now she’s taunting him, saying she’s a really good kisser and totally asking for it. To his credit, he doesn’t succumb. And he had a look like he was starting to figure out that it’s not her ethics and morals that made her forbid kissing, but her gamesmanship. The fireworks come just in time.

SEGMENT 7: It’s cocktail party time. And look who’s there! It’s Unbalanced Michelle! She stuck around. Yay!

Spoiled Vienna is the first this season to bring up “the wrong reasons”. She’ll be the one – there’s one every season – who feels it’s best to let the subject of their dreams in on the fact that someone is there for... the wrong reasons!

The teases (I’m talking about the upcoming highlights, not Rozlyn and Elizabeth) tell us that someone got it on with a member of the production crew. I have no idea who it is. But I’ve paused the PVR and will now make a prediction. My guess is it can’t be someone who’s been invisible this week, so that leaves out Tenley, Ella, Jessie, Corrie, Valishia and Kathryn. Narrowing it down from there, I’m going to go with Elizabeth or Gia. If I had to choose just one, I’ll say Elizabeth. That would explain her insincere wish not to be kissed.

Speak of the devil, here’s Ella the southern Belle. It was her birthday yesterday and Jake has gotten her a gift... No wait. It’s a freakin’ cupcake! She should throw it in his face and create a scene. Michelle would have.

Dumb Divorced Tenley is perhaps a mean nickname. She’s probably not all that dumb. She just sounds it. If she sticks around, I’ll consider dropping the “Dumb” portion of the name.

Spoiled Vienna calls Michelle Debby Downer. Good one. And she’s annoyed that when Jake suddenly appears, she acts all happy. Michelle probably is a tad manic depressive. But Vienna, methinks the pot is calling the kettle black.

Michelle tells Jake she had packed her bags. She spins it so that she just comes off as extra-honest. Then just as she’s getting emotional (again), she’s interrupted. Can you believe it! Michelle almost told the interloper off right then and there, but thought better of it, telling Jake that she was confident he’d keep her around. Then she told the cameras how rude it was. I know, girlfriend! That was probably the rudest moment in Bachelor history. Nobody’s ever done that before.

SEGMENT 8: Chris enters and calls Rozlyn outside. Doh! She was actually my second guess, but I thought it was too obvious. Chris lets her know that he knows and her reaction is classic. She pulls the “I don’t think my personal life is anybody’s business” line. This is hilarious. It’s like, for example, finding drugs in your kids pocket and your kid turning it back on you with, “What are you doing going through my pockets?!”

Chris tells her that they feel it’s impossible for her to continue on the show. Maybe they’re right. But I think Jake is the one who ought to decide it. If he’s okay with it, it should be good enough for the show. But he tells her to go pack her stuff and get the hell out. In so many words.

At least the consolation is that she was the first ever to enter into such a relationship (or at least get caught) in the history of the show. So there’s your hook, Playboy. Get on it! Stat!

SEGMENT 9: The girls have no idea what’s going on. Chris lets Jake in on it. Jake is disappointed. He wants his rose back. He thought she could be the one and feels like maybe he was taken for the fool because he didn’t see this coming with her. Uh, maybe, Jake, but I pegged her as Wrong Reason Rozlyn from the beginning. Use your other head, dummy.

We watch Rozlyn pack... And pack some more... Hey, look, she’s still packing. As she slips on her jeans under her party dress, we almost see her cha-cha again.

Now the walk of shame, past all the other girls.

SEGMENT 10: Chris and Jake spill the beans. Jake tells them he feels deceived. He asks them to tell him if they aren’t sure or he’s not right for them. No one comes forward.

I’d like to find out what, exactly, her inappropriate relationship was. Flirting? Naughty text messaging? Making out? Sex? Did she show him her cha-cha?

I can’t believe so many of the rest are so emotional over this. They should be dancing a jig that the most stunning of them all was sent home.

SEGMENT 11: Rose ceremony time. I don’t even know how many there are and how many will go home. I guess we’ll find out.

Front Runner Ali and Elizabeth the Nanny already are rosed. Wrong Reason Rozlyn has been de-rosed. Here are the rest, in order:

3. Spoiled Vienna
4. Gia Pet
5. Dumb Divorced Tenley

So far I’m not liking his choices.

6. Ella Belle

Still not.

7. Dirty Valishia

Say what?

8. Classy Corrie

Finally! Good choice.

9. Crazy Canuck Jessie

Well, she’s a fellow Canadian, but I wouldn’t have picked her.

10. Ashleigh Diaz

Meh.

11. Unbalanced Michelle

Yay!!!

12. Kathryn the Faker

Nope.

I like the ones who he sent home. Professor Ashley committed a grave sin, which was being a brunette. I thought she was sweet. But as I said last week, I think Jake doesn’t like career women. He needs to be the alpha male. He doesn’t need a woman with a Ph.D. around the house. To her credit, she didn’t break down after getting jilted. Always bright and cheery. Not so for Bitchy Christina. She cries. There goes the funny snark the rest of the way. I wonder if she helped herself to a jelly bean on the way out.

And next week we see that someone else goes home before the rose ceremony. Looks like Elizabeth but we’ll have to wait and see. I’m not going to Google any spoilers. It’s like opening presents before Christmas. It’s just not right.

Hope you enjoyed this week’s offering. Make sure you vote in the poll over there on the left. And leave a comment while you’re at it. We’re all in this together.