Week Seven: Down goes Ali!

With the excitement of the NBA all-star weekend abated, I can now give my full concentration to this week’s episode of The Bachelor. Oh, yeah, and there’s the Winter Olympics happening all around us here in Vancouver. But how much moguls can a guy watch? Granted, it is funny when a guy bumping down the mountain falls down, but that gets old in a hurry.

So it’s back to Jake and his ladies. We had record numbers in our poll this week (I use the royal ‘we’ because we’re all in this together). As of 6 pm Monday (PST), we had a whopping 39 votes in the poll asking for your favourite. Here’s the breakdown: Dumb Divorced Tenley received by far the most votes of the remaining three, with 18 (or 46% of the vote). Spoiled Vienna’s family was back this week to give her 3 votes (7%), while the former ugly duckling-cum-soft porn model Gia Pet also got 3 votes. But 15 votes (38%) went to ‘None of the above’. You know things are bad when the show can’t even manufacture interest in more than one remaining contestant.

On a side note, I came across this British video showing just how misleading editing can be on reality TV. It’s worth a look, even though The Bachelor isn’t mentioned. It's very enlightening:

Our other question in the poll was whether or not you thought Former Front Runner Ali would make a triumphant return to the show, after pulling an Ed and going back to her mind-numbing job as a sales rep at Facebook (those sales rep jobs are hard to come by, I know). Out of a total of 38 votes, 29 people thought she’d be back: 15 (39%) said definitely and 16 (42%) said ‘I sure hope so’. On the negative side, 6 (15%) said, ‘Nope, that ship has sailed’, while 1 (2%) rudely voted ‘Good riddance’. That’s a fine how-do-you-do for the Former Front Runner.

That’s the big question this week: Will she or won’t she? According to the upcoming highlights last week, Ali gives Jake a call on his exotic vacation with the three remaining gals. Her leaving struck me as a ploy on her part to test Jake, because she certainly doesn’t have the kind of glamourous and rare job that she should care about losing. As much as I think she’d be the one for Jake, I’m not confident he even knows what he wants or needs. Either way, I’m hoping he calls her bluff and tells her not to come back.

But enough chit-chat. Let’s get on with the show!:

SEGMENT 1: They are in Saint Lucia. There’s a great upcoming highlight of the episode where Gia sounds sloshed. I had to rewind the tape twice to hear what she said. Oh how I hope she really is wasted!

Other than that, though, this first segment was a total waste of network airtime. We “learn” what he thinks of all the girls and how wonderful they make him feel and all that. I say “learn” because we already know this. They treat each episode as if they’re attracting millions of new viewers so they always feel the need to recap like crazy. Hey, just get on with it, producers. The late-comers will pick up the pieces as we move along.

What was interesting, though, was that even though Former Front Runner Ali left the show, she still sleeps with a full camera crew. We see her in bed back in San Francisco. She’s heartbroken without Jake -- even with that amazing sales job (or “advertising account manager” as they pad it on the show). She said she chose her job over Jake because she was scared. Only she calls it a “career”. Whatever. But without love, she can’t sleep. Uh, Ali, maybe it’s due to the whole production crew standing around your bedroom filming you.

She also says she can’t focus on her work and every day she’s away from him, her heart breaks a little bit more. Yes, Facebook bosses, this is exactly the kind of employee you need! Demanding her back at work (if that’s really how it went down) could only have backfired. What were you thinking? There’s no upside to what they did. You want your employees to be happy and not resent you. If you, dear reader, don’t already hate Facebook for constantly needlessly updating their site, hate them for this.

Ali says she’s going to fight for him. Uh, honey, you’re the one who left. This makes absolutely no sense. She tells him she loves him. She seems to want him more than any of the other girls. She pulls a lame excuse out of her butt as a way to let him know she might leave, hoping he tells her to stay and that she's the only one for him. She then leaves, but makes sure the camera crew follows her home to the streets of San Francisco. Then she says she’s going to fight for him? Now I really hope he tells her to take a hike.

SEGMENT 2: Jake and Gia go to Pigeon Island. He thinks something is holding her back and it might be her past relationships with millionaire athletes. Hmm, could be, Jakester. But Gia claims to be ga-ga in love. She gets butterflies in her stomach just thinking about him. I don’t want to make sweeping generalization about all New York models and claim they all do blow, but if that’s the case (and I’m not saying it is, understand), maybe on this drug-free televised journey, she’s finally allowing herself to feel actual human emotions. Because she really does look smitten. I’m starting to fall for her myself. Sure, maybe it has something to do with the photos I posted of her last week, but so be it.

SEGMENT 3: Gia Pet and Jake are about to turn Smuggler’s Cove into Snuggler’s Cove, if Jake’s faith-based dating is true to form. Nothing more than that going down in the fantasy suite, I bet.

On a torch-lit dinner on the beach, Jake says he loves how deep Gia is, even more than her drop-dead beauty. It doesn’t help that she’s wearing a diamond-encrusted tiara. There’s a funny moment when Jake is telling her he’ll take care of her even if she doesn’t take care of him and he feels she’s probably the same way. She responds with an uncommital, “Yeah, I see what you’re saying.” But she, in turn, loves how deep Jake is. The millionaire athletes she usually dates couldn’t say half of what Jake’s laying out there right now. Uh, maybe because they don’t have to. They’re millionaire athletes! The world is their oyster. We are here to serve them and not vice versa.

Swinging over the ocean in an oversize hammock, Jake feels it’s time to lay down the fantasy suite card. And of the three remaining bachelorettes, she’d be the one most guys would want to spend the night with. (I say “most guys” in a transparent move to distance that wish from myself because I’m a happily married man who’d never even look twice at another woman.) Gia, not surprisingly, says, “I’m ready to go all the way.” Seriously! Awesome. Clothes are littering the floor and they get in a bath. But fear not, Gia is wearing a bathing suit. What else did you expect from a swimsuit model? Does Jake tap that thang? I’m not sure if he’s a proponent of sex before marriage, but he’d be a fool not to.

In the upcoming highlights, we see Jake telling Ali to get on a plane and get to the island right now. Thanks, producers! You know, I go out of my way in this little corner of The Bachelor universe to be a spoiler-free zone, and they constantly spoil as much as they can themselves.

SEGMENT 4: In Rodney Bay, Dumb Divorced Tenley greets Jake. Jake’s got that afterglow mixed with shame from the night before. They go flying. But not just any old flying. They are going in... wait for it... a HELICOPTER! Woo-hoo!!! That never gets old... Oh wait a second. Yes, it does. I always get those mixed up.

Tenley is falling in love, but she can’t let herself fall all the way in love until she knows that he values marriage as much as she does. Like, you know, so much so that he'll feel confident enough to laze around on the couch all day and not budge when she walks in the door after a hard day’s work. That kind of value. When she makes a commitment, she sticks to it, she says. So no matter how bored she is with you, Jake, you can guarantee she’ll be there when you get home from work. She won’t get up for you, but she’ll be there.

Of the final three, she is the most natural of beauties. Gia’s had work and Vienna ain’t all that hot to begin with. But Tenley is just a striking woman. As they’re making out on the beach, she tells us in voice-over that she hasn’t been with another man since her divorce and she isn’t sure she’s ready to take the leap of faith that the fantasy suite would bring with it. If you know what I mean. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

SEGMENT 5: At dinner, Dumb Divorced Tenley wears big hoop earrings. I’m a sucker for those. If Spoiled Vienna wore them I’d probably be sucked in to her wicked ways, too. Tenley tells us she’s glad Jake wants to take things slow, not quite getting that that might not be a positive. She mentions her ex-husband again, saying he’s the only guy she’s ever spent the night with. Jake, meanwhile, really hopes she feels safe enough to move the relationship forward with him. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

As they stare into each other’s eyes, Tenley again drops the divorce line, but says her ex is really in the past. No really. Seriously, now. That’s the reason she keeps talking about her first marriage and ex-husband because she’s so over them. She lets him know she’s falling in love with him, which makes her really excited. Now’s the time to slip her the card, Jakey boy.

But no, Jake leads Tenley from the table, up the stairs and dances barefoot with her. It was at this point, she says, that she realized she wants to dance with him forever. And by “dance”, you know what she means. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

God, are they miking their lips? Those are the loudest kisses. We don’t need to hear that.

Jake hands the card over and says he's really excited about it. But he lets her read it. Why do they go through this charade every time? If the cards were different each season, I’d understand. But they’ve been the same from the beginning of time. She reads the card and without a second of a pause she says, “I want every second that I can have with you so I would love to stay with you tonight.” After all that, we find out she's all talk. Somewhere, her ex-husband is breathing a sigh of relief. But still, what a letdown. What happened to her values?! The slut!

But she says it’s all about trust and she hopes he sees that she’s committed to moving forward with him and having a future with him. Uh, Tenley, dearest, you know he was just with a swimsuit model last night, right? Trust is a two-way street.

As she plays the old line about this not being something she usually does (going to a room alone with a guy), Jake says, without a hint of irony or sarcasm, that he just loves her values and her morals. Then they proceed to make out in the pool.

SEGMENT 6: Now it’s Vienna time. He says he needs that “fun, light, almost immature side”. True to form, the Spoiled one says she’s never been in love before but is falling in love now. So, to recap for any new viewers and readers, this is a girl who was engaged to be married to her pastor’s son. When he broke it off, she was so shattered she married another guy just to get back at her ex. But she says she’s never been in love before. Nice.

They have full run of the ship used in in the movie Pirates of the Caribbean. Jake dons an eye patch and closes the wrong eye (i.e. the exposed one). They strip down and Vienna reveals a lower abdomen tattoo just like Gia. I think that signifies she’s rounded Cape Horn. If you know what I mean. (That’d be sexual intercourse.)

More goofing around and Jake puts a rag over his head, grabs a fake sword and forces Vienna off the plank. He follows and they swim to shore. Vienna says she’s just a happy person who loves to smile and laugh. Jake loves how comfortable they are together. But tonight he has to learn if there’s more to her behind that empty smile. Is there substance to her heart? We’ll find out right after the break.

SEGMENT 7: Vienna had a great day, but tonight she’s scared because she knows she’s not the only girl on Saint Lucia with him. (That’d be sloppy thirds.) But she’s going to go out on a limb (as opposed to a plank) and tell him how she feels. She tells him she doesn’t want kids for a few years. He asks if she’s ready to be married, and she responds, “Absolutely.” And we know she doesn’t just fall into marriage lightly. She takes it very seriously. She has to really love someone to consider marriage. Either that or do it out of spite.

Now this is odd. At dinner, Jake quizzes her on what type of ring she likes. Why would he do this? I can think of three reasons: 1. She’s the new front-runner in his mind, 2. He’s toying with her, or 3. He did this with everyone else and they’re just showing us this time just to piss us off. She asks if he could see her as his wife and he says yes. What else is he going to say? But at least he tells her that he’s fallen for the other two, too. So she lays it all on the line. “I’ve fallen in love with you,” she says before managing to scare up some crocodile tears to really sell it. But Jake eats it up. He loves her “brutal honesty”.

With that, he hands her the card. Gee, I wonder what it says. Oh, get this: she gets an invitation to the fantasy suite. Ha! Who knew?! She agrees they need some “alone time”. (That’d be sexual intercourse.) Hope her dad isn’t watching. He’s going to be jealous.

SEGMENT 8: Here’s the phone call we all knew was coming. It’s Ali. There’s a camera on her, naturally, because this isn’t planned at all. She says she’s a mess. “I know that I made the wrong choice and I want to come back. I just really, really would hate to think that because of my fear and my mistake we would never find out if we were really a match,” she says. Blah, blah, blah. Let her go, dude. But we know he’s going to tell her to get on a plane and come to Saint Lucia.

Or does he?! Oh, those sneaky editors and producers. Here’s the full quote: “Everything about me wants to say get on a plane and come here right now but I’m falling in love with these women that are here. I have to just go with my heart.... I just don’t think it’s a good idea.” Yay, Jake! If she’s not going to put out in the fantasy suite, she doesn’t deserve to be back in the picture.

Ali is crestfallen. She just didn’t realize it would all change so quickly. Foiled again with your mind-games, Ali. Let that be a lesson (and a cautionary tale for any game-players out there watching). But fret not, Ali fans, she’s a shoe-in for the next Bachelorette.

Now she looks like a total wreck crying to the camera about the horrible decision she made. Oh well. See you in the cubicle first thing Tuesday morning, Ali! You can console yourself in the fact you still have a dream job. Maybe someone will bring in doughnuts to help take the sting away. And tell you what, take 20 minutes instead of 15 for your coffee break.

SEGMENT 9: In his sit-down with Chris, Jake shows his loyalty to the three remaining girls with a bit of a shot aimed at Ali: “I was falling in love with Ali. Everything in me wanted her back but I just didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do. The three women I have remaining here, they’re still here. They didn’t leave. I’m sure they have things they’re worrying about at home but they didn’t leave.” Well put. Of course, it doesn’t help that two of the three left are hopelessly ill-suited to be your wife, but that’s beside the point. They stuck it out.

In this conversation, it might be telling that he says he’s falling in love with both Tenley and Vienna, but doesn’t say that about Gia. But he has connected with each of these women, he says. (That’d be sexual intercourse.) He’s not ready to send one of them packing just yet. Maybe the “very private, personal” video message they've each made will make things easier.

SEGMENT 10: Tenley’s video says, “Hey Jake, never in my wildest dreams did I think I’d be standing here today falling in love with you after such heartbreak...” (if you recall, she was previously married and it didn’t work out)... “You’ve brought so much back into my life...” (that’d be sexual intercourse)... “knowing that I can fall in love and dream again. I came here to meet this incredible man and you’ve exceeded my expectations. There’s just so many things that I adore about you and it makes me look forward to a future of travelling the world with you and exploring new adventures, and having babies with you. I love all those moments that we’ve shared along this journey. I love our kisses. There are so many of 'em and I can’t wait for a lifetime of more. But when you kiss me I feel so adored and I feel appreciated for all that I am. And when we dance together, I dream of dancing with you forever. I believe that we can have that fairytale ending that I’ve never had before and I’m definitely falling in love with you and I hope that you’re falling in love with me, too.”

Gia’s video says, “So here we are. We’ve come so far. And I think you are an incredible person. And I have an amazing time with you. Every day we hang out, every second shared I feel like we grow with one another. It’s been very hard for me to open up but I have a lot. And I only do that for someone that I’m falling in love with. And I can honestly say to you right now that I am falling in love with you. And I love being with you. And I really hope that we have more time to grow with each other, to open up to one another. And I never want to let you go. I love hugging you and I love being with you. I miss you.” And I love how she talks like a ten-year-old writing a school paper beginning each sentence with “and”. That’s so endearing.

Vienna’s video says, “Hi sweetheart. You know, since the moment I stepped out of that limo and I met you, I knew you were going to be the man of my dreams. This has been a really long and tough journey but you’ve been worth every moment of it. I love that I can be myself when I’m with you. I want to wake up in your arms the rest of my life. And I want to flirt with you for the next eighty years because I’m completely in love with you. You mean the world to me. And I can’t wait to be your wife. You’re everything to me.”

If he is just going by those presentations, it’s gotta be Gia Pet that gets booted. She was guarded with both her words and her emotions while Tenley and Vienna laid it all right out there. We’ll see.

SEGMENT 11: The three amigas line up in Rodney Bay waiting for a rose. But only two will get one. One will be going home. Jake tells them he’s fallen in love with all three of them and would be happy to marry any one of them but he’s there to find that one special girl and that’s what’s getting him through this.

He picks up the first rose. It goes to Tenley. (I wrote that before he said it!)

He picks up the second and last rose. It goes to Vienna. (I didn’t write that before he said it because Gia was looking so happy, so giddy.)

Gia doesn’t look all that upset. But she’s been through this before with her millionaire athlete boyfriends. But now she’s crying. And I can’t stop staring at her upper lip. Not only because of the sweat forming there but because it just looks so weird. There’s no way she hasn’t had some kind of work done on it. She should sue.

In the limo, she says she was shocked and feels crushed. Jake is just happy he finally made her cry.

And that’s it for another week. Next week is the ladies tell all episode, or whatever it’s called. Can’t wait to see lovely psychotic Michelle again!!!

Week Six: Ali pulls a rope-a-dope

Welcome back to our little corner of the vast Bachelor universe. Can you believe another week has come and gone?

First off, let’s recap last week’s poll. It was a runaway success for Dumb Divorced Tenley. She received 19 of the 29 votes (a whopping 65 percent). Now, granted, the wording in the question was a little different. I didn’t ask who your favourite was; I asked who the best match for Jake was. But I think the numbers would have been the same regardless. She’s a sweet, beautiful person, inside and out. At least, that’s what we’re seeing. We all know she has a lazy, jaded side to her persona. She didn’t even get her butt up off the couch when her husband came home from a hard day’s work. (And thanks for that info, now whenever my wife comes home she expects me to bound up and greet her at the door. Expects. Key word.)

Former Front Runner Ali was way back in second place, receiving 7 votes (24 percent). Which goes to show you people love to bitch and complain about contestants, but the contestants themselves should try to remain above the fray. Just be a sweet, easygoing (some would say lazy) angel like Tenley (or Jillian and Deanna before her) and you’re guaranteed at least a shot as the next Bachelorette. Back of the pack in the poll was Gia Pet, who had three fans out there. And no surprise, Spoiled Vienna received no love from my readers. Apparently her family has given up on this blog. Their loss.

One drawback to being on the west coast is the late start time, made even later because Monday is usually my basketball night. But thanks to the Winter Olympics here in Vancouver, our weekly run has been cancelled this month. So I’m able to watch the episode in real time and hopefully get this puppy up relatively quickly. Of course, those in the eastern time zones have already finished watching and I see some are already voting on last week’s poll. Doh! Hopefully they come back and revote when the new post comes up.

Okay, on with the show. We know (if upcoming highlights are to be believed) that tonight are the hometown visits, and Ali’s family is a potential disaster. At least I’m hoping. We also know there will be no rose ceremony this week. I have no idea why the producers decided to let us in on that. One anonymous commenter to this blog (pick a handle so at least I can differentiate between the various anonymous posters!) had a great take on it. At the rate he’s been booting women off the show, of course they need a catch-up episode or else this thing would be over too soon.

Here we go:

SEGMENT 1: The plane touches down in New York City, baby! It’s Gia time. She wears the tightest butt-hugging jeans I’ve ever seen. And she fills them out quite nicely. Not surprisingly given some of the photos I’ve seen of her. I also heard the self-proclaimed ugly duckling who has a hard time meeting guys has dated professional athletes. And not the kind of professional athletes who wind up as contestants on this series. Real major league ones. She dated Carl Pavano of the New York frikkin’ Yankees and Chris Campoli of the Ottawa Senators. Regular girls don’t date millionaire athletes. Her presence now smacks of a publicity stunt. The show shouldn’t take contestants whose agent contacts them. Jake is looking for a real-life partner, not a costar.

Jake tells her she doesn’t talk about her past relationships. He's curious. She says she’s had one but he was a bad guy who cheated on her with all her friends. The missus says, “Nice friends.” Good call. Anyway, is this Carl or Chris? I’m sure they’re thrilled to hear this. But are we surprised? That’s what professional athletes do. It’s their God-given right.

They kiss. Jake says, “When I kiss Gia I kinda get lost in it.” No doubt, with those professionally enhanced smackers.

SEGMENT 2: Gia’s mom is her best friend, she says. Does that mean her ex slept with her mother? Mom’s got quite the New Yawk accent. And Gia certainly doesn’t have her mother’s thin lips. Hmm, wonder why that could be?... She says they talk every day. Not a good sign, Jake.

Step-dad has a pony-tail. Nuff said about that.

Moms likes him. She hopes he’s the one who can “heal her heart.” She’s reassuring her daughter that Jake really cares about her. Gia isn’t convinced. He acts that way with all the girls, she tells mom. Turns out Gia’s got a good head on those lips.

Step-brother Erick, the goombah, threatens to break Jake’s legs if he doesn’t treat her right, like so many others haven’t. Then we could call him Jake the Peg (that’s a Rolf Harris reference for you younger readers. Google him.) Interesting that if you go by Gia, she’s only really had one other significant relationship. But she has a broken heart and so many guys have treated her poorly.

Gia says she’s falling in love with Jake. She tells us this while wearing a whole tube of red lipstick over her puffy collagen lips... Hey, Erick, just kidding! I love Gia! She seems like a sweetheart! Please don’t hurt me!

SEGMENT 3: Entering the bucolic Williamstown, Massachussetts. We are in Ali country. The show is flying by. Hopefully that means some heavy drama coming up.

Jake keeps telling the Former Front Runner that he misses her, misses kissing her. And they seem really comfortable together. They walk by her dead grandmother’s house so grandma can “meet” the man Ali is going to marry. She says her grandma was more like a mom to her. Ooh, can’t wait to meet her real mom. We already know she doesn’t come from a picture-perfect family. Should be good.

They walk into grandma’s empty house. I have no idea who lives there now, but there’s a picture of grandma on the mantle. Ali believes grandma accepted Jake into her family with that little breaking-and-entering.

SEGMENT 4: He had a great day with Ali and tonight he meets her screwed up family. Mom Elizabeth tells him she never watches The Bachelor. I respect that. She takes him outside and the divorcée asks him what family means to him. (My apologies if she’s a widow.) Mom likes Jake and her gut feeling is that Jake will pick Ali. Her gut doesn’t usually fail her, she says. And I will not make a joke about said gut.

Sitting outside, Ali tells Jake if he asked her today to marry her, she would say yes. He responds by grabbing her by the face and ramming his tongue down her throat. She, too, is falling in love with him. Two for two.

Me? I’m a little disappointed her family was as normal as it was.

SEGMENT 5: We are transported to Newberg, Oregon, to meet Dumb Divorced Tenley’s family. Jake also misses Tenley like crazy. They race to embrace. Jake has big news: “So guess what? I’m in Oregon!” He’s talking to the Dumb one in language she would understand.

Tenley has been “so burned” in the past, so she’s got questions for him. One fear she has is that her ex let his parents plan his whole life. So she asks Jake, point blank, what relationship he has with his parents: “I run pretty much everything past my parents.” Oops. But Dumb Divorced Tenley doesn’t connect the dots: “Good! Good!” Then she tells the camera she’s so relieved that he makes his own decisions. Am I missing something? Now I feel dumb.

She takes Jake to a dancing studio. Her ex-husband (did you know she was married?) never appreciated this aspect to her life, she says. She changes into her dancing clothes and returns to perform an interpretive dance to wedding music. I think she just lost all the votes in this week’s poll. It’s comical. “I gave him a gift. I gave him an inside to my soul,” she says. Back in her jeans, she dances with Jake and he looks like he knows his way around a dance floor. So maybe they really are meant for each other.

SEGMENT 6: Jake is the first guy to meet her parents since the divorce. Did you realize she had been married before? News to me. Mom looks young. Tenley tells her family she danced for Jake without a shred of embarrassment. To their credit, they all kept a straight face. Her mom is thrilled that Jake got to see what Tenley loves to do. “So has Tenley had a chance to see what you love to do?” the mom asks Jake. Oh, how I wish Jake had a sense of humour and responded with, “Masturbate? Not yet, but the fantasy suites are yet to come!”

Question: Who among us has had a date meeting parents where one of the parents takes you away to have a heart-to-heart and every member of the family asks direct questions about your feelings for your date? That’s never happened, right? Or is it just me? But it happens on every single hometown visit in every single season. I’m beginning to think maybe the producers suggest these things to the participants.

Tenley’s dad, Robert, takes Jake upstairs. Tenley’s had a rough year what with her divorce, he tells him, just in case, you know, Jake wasn’t aware that Tenley had been married. I know I wasn’t.

Robert comes downstairs and shares some tears with Tenley. He seems like a good guy, if a tad emotionally unstable. Her mom tells Jake that Tenley is going to have emotional spillovers for a while. Jake asks why (again, speaking the language of Dumb). Because of her divorce, natch. What?! Tenley has been divorced?! Man, the surprises just keep coming!

Jake asks Bob if he can marry his daughter. Why would he do such a thing unless she was the one? Why would you lead a dad on like that? Especially a solid and emotionally troubled guy like Robert. In fact, the whole family seems rock solid. Maybe I can forgive her for that ridiculous dance.

SEGMENT 7: Guess what time it is? It’s Spoiled Vienna time! They always save the best for last. We go to Sanford, Florida, to meet the brat’s family. Jake and Vienna go for a ride on the river to see the manatees and gators. We see turtles and gators, but no manatees.

Vienna tells Jake her dad didn’t like either of the guys she’s dated. Nothing’s good enough for his princess. But Vienna says she’s gone to school and done everything she’s wanted to do so she’s ready this time. As my wife points out, she’s 23! Man, she really is spoiled if she’s done everything she wanted to do by the age of 23. Either that or she hasn’t wanted to do a helluva lot. Crashing cars doesn’t count because that’s something you can do for a lifetime.

When they arrive at the folks’ home, Vienna and her dad, Vincent, embrace and bawl like babies. Something seems creepy but I don’t want to go there.

Jake lets Vienna’s family know about the problems she’s had with the other women in the house/RV. They don’t bat an eyelash. She’s been like her whole life. Danger, Will Robinson!

Vienna tells Jake she’ll take off the ring her dad gave her once she gets a engagement ring. Uh, did I mention creepy? Still not going there.

They lie on the bed and make out and her dad barges in on one knock. Boundaries, dad, boundaries. She’s not your girlfriend anymore... Oops. Just went there.

I know everyone else feels this way, but I can see Jake with any of the other three women. I still don’t get what he sees in Spoiled Vienna. Can anyone out there shed some light?

SEGMENT 8: Jake has completely fallen for all four of the women. And it’s going to be tough to say goodbye to one of them tonight. Oh wait. Thanks to the show’s highlights last week, we know there won’t be a rose ceremony.

Jake is sitting around his hotel room with the cameraman. I guess they need that footage of him alone on the couch. A knock comes to the door. It’s Ali! She’s upset. Tears are streaming down her face. She has to choose between staying or going back to work. Here we go again. She’s pulling an Ed! Just because it worked once doesn’t mean it’ll work again. Jake doesn’t look impressed. He’s been through this before. But with Ed, it came much earlier in the proceedings.

Jake tells her life is about minimizing regrets. She has to weigh which will be the greater regret. But he can’t guarantee he will put a ring on her finger, and nor should he. It seems like that’s what she was fishing for. What kind of person goes on a show without clearing time away from work first? And what kind of employer shatters the dreams of their employees? As they leave, Jake says, “Whatever you decide is okay.” Ali walks down the hotel corridor than plops down and cries. She knows good TV.

SEGMENT 9: Jake sits down with Chris. He seems crestfallen. Chris says if Ali stays, she’s effectively quitting her job for Jake. He wonders about the pressure it will put on them. Let’s look at reality here, folks. She’s a final four contestant. She’s won America’s heart (for the most part). She can get any job she wants after this. This is a no-brainer. Stay with the program.

Chris then asks Jake to think of the situation where she quits her job, then Jake doesn’t choose her. Jake can’t even fathom such a situation. Granted, Jake can't fathom a lot.

Ali arrives first, followed by Vienna, Gia and Tenley. They line up not knowing there will be no rose ceremony. Obviously they don’t watch the upcoming highlights.

As they’re lined up, Ali meekly says, “Chris, can I talk to you for a second.” And we’ll be right back.

SEGMENT 10: Chris looks like he sees it coming. He’s got a smile on his face, knowing the ratings this will bring the show next week. Ali says she has to choose between the two loves of her life: a guy and her job. Chris leads her to Jake. She looks like hell. She says she doesn’t know what to do. She’s mad at herself for not coming to the show knowing that she might be there for a while. Jake goes to his patented move and grabs her legs and pulls them over his lap. He says he doesn’t want her to go. “You came here for a reason,” he says. Yeah, as a lark. She didn’t expect it to produce any real feelings. She says she hasn’t met anyone who is as deserving of her love as Jake is but the fact of the matter is, there are three other girls downstairs. She is totally just fishing for confirmation that she’s the one: “If you were mine, the choice would be easy.” She knows she might leave there with nothing if she stays. “Ali, I don’t want you to go. We have something special,” says Jake. “If you choose to leave, I will be devastated.” Then the subtitles tell us he says, “I love you.” That's every guy's dream, to have subtitles do the dirty work for you.

Chris walks in and asks if she’s made her decision. She cries some more and says she wants more time. At this point, Jake should just walk her to the waiting limo. If the choice is that hard, she shouldn’t be there.

SEGMENT 11: Ali tells Jake she has to go. And she’s so, so sorry. And I’m not buying it. I mean, I buy that she’s leaving, but not that she has to leave. She better not come back as the Bachelorette, that’s for sure, if her job is that important to her. Jake walks her out. Now I’m thinking he should just let her walk out on her own. “I feel like you’re slipping right through my fingers and I don’t know how to stop you,” he tells her at the limo. He should have told her that if she goes, she’s not to contact him again because he’s not having it. It’s now or never. But we know that’s not how this show works.

As the limo pulls away, she cries, “I don’t know if I made the right choice.” Yeah, like she’s going to go back to that wonderful job and not resent it and her boss every day she has to punch the clock. She works at Facebook, doesn’t she? I know! Let’s boycott Facebook! Let’s do it, people!... Ah, who am I kidding. I can’t quit Facebook.

Chris comes back to tell the others that Ali has left. Gia’s face lights up. Now poor Jake left with Dumb Divorced Tenley, Gia Pet and Spoiled Vienna, perhaps the worst group of semi-finalists in the series history. I wonder who he would have sent home. He should tell us. I think it would have been Gia.

Next week they’re going to St. Lucia. Should be some fine shots of Gia’s bum. You don’t have a swimsuit model on your show and not let her get to at least the tropial island getaway. And guess who gives Jake a call while we’re there? Why, none other than Ali. Rinse and repeat.

Oh good Lord, in the outtakes, Gia’s mom reads Jake’s Tarot cards. She tells him to put his hand on the deck and send his energy into them. Jake has the surprising good sense to call her on the nonsense. Which confirms to me Gia was probably the one who would have gone home had not Ali taken the coward’s route. That kind of crazy is usually passed on from mother to daughter.

So what's your take on Ali? Go back and read the segment on her hometown date. Her mom thought Jake would pick her. She told him she would totally say yes if he asked her to marry him that day. Are you buying this nonsense that her job is demanding her back? I get the feeling she's trying to manufacture a greater feeling. She's hoping that absence makes the heart grow fonder, not fungus, and that Jake will realize what he's missing. She'll beg the producers to make a return appearance and everyone will live happily ever after. Or at least for a few months. Or is it more than coincidental that she left before a foreign vacation? Maybe she didn't have a passport or couldn't get one so the producers gave her a storyline to follow. Nah, she couldn't fake those tears.

Until next week, mes amis. Can’t wait to read your comments.

Week Five: Jake sacrifices a virgin

What week are we in now? Only week five? With so few gals left? How will they pad this thing out? More important, how many questions can I start a blog post with? Five? Six? Seven? (The answer: eight, it turns out.)

I think they’ll do just fine and it may turn out for the best. Considering the cameras are on them 20/7 (TM, I just coined that phrase), so much gets left on the cyber-cutting room floor. If you stick around to the very end each week, there are always out-takes that I think are sometimes the best part of the show. And on the official website there are always deleted scenes that probably shouldn’t have been deleted. Maybe we can see more of these types of scenes now that Jake the Flake (TM) is tossing out women by the armful.

Reader Rachel makes a great point in the comments section (thanks for them all, by the way). Obviously ABC doesn’t want to give up too much of prime time to a guy’s religious beliefs, but we have to assume that if a Christian God and faith is the number one factor in determining a future wife, he’s probably having that conversation with all of them and we’re just not seeing it because, well... for obvious reasons. Non-fundamentalists would turn the channel in droves. And, continuing with this conjecture, if said woman wasn’t ultra-religious, he would know right then and there not to keep her around. Which makes perfect sense why he would eliminate so many of them at once. How does the vapid and shallow Spoiled Vienna manage to stick around? Don’t forget, as a teenager she was engaged to her pastor’s son, which assumes a few things: 1. She has a pastor. 2. She attends church. 3. She’s religious. 4. While getting married at such a young age isn’t the wisest of moves, it shows Jake she was probably not willing to have sex before marriage. And when you consider that, according to Classy Corrie anyway, Vienna likes to walk around topless showing off her boobs, we can assume Jake has a bad case of the Madonna-whore complex.

Speaking of the official website, have any of you seen Jake’s playlist? Good Lord. I happen to believe you can tell a lot about a person from their taste in music. Yes, we all have guilty pleasures on our iPods, and if you were to do a random sampling from mine, maybe I’d look like a knob, too. But this is something different. This was a top ten list, if you will, that Jake chose as a representation of how he wants to present himself. Let’s take a gander, shall we?:

1. Casey Donahew Band - "Ramblin Kind" - "They are a big Texas Country favorite. Very talented artists. I've seen them several times".

Never heard of them, but they’re a country band, so why would I? The fact he chose them first and has seen them several times is disturbing and any woman with an ear for music should carefully consider whether she wants to be around that for the next sixty years before accepting any more roses.

2. Aerosmith - "Love in an Elevator" - "I've been following Aerosmith longer than I can remember".

Aerosmith. Really. He’s been “following” them for a long, long time. And admits to it.

3. Bon Jovi - "Livin on a Prayer" - "Need I say anything about this one".

Uh, no. No, you don’t, Jake. Nuff said. But just because “prayer” is in the title doesn’t make it a hymn, dummy. Also, aren't Aerosmith and Bon Jovi the same band?

4. Toto - "Africa" - "Takes me back to the 80's"!

He liked crappy music in the 80s, too.

5. Eagles - "Take it to the Limit" - "AWESOME slow dance song"!

This one gets CAPS so you know it must be good. Unless, you know, you’ve actually heard it before.

6. Kings of Leon - "Sex on Fire" -"For some reason, I can't stop myself from singing along with this one.

Naughty, naughty Jake.

7. Gisselle - "Lo Quero a Morir" - "One of the most talented latin tropical artists ever!" High energy dance merengue.

I don’t know Gisselle. But if she ranks seventh after the likes of Aerosmith, Bon Jovi, Toto and the Eagles, I’m not sure I want to find out.

8. Rascal Flatts - "Take me There" - "I think everyone in Texas likes Rascal Flatts."

Never heard of them, either. But just spent an excruciating four minutes on their website listening to one of their “new country” songs.

9. Gloria Estefan - "Tres Deseos" - "If you want to make a girl sweat on the dance floor, can't go wrong with this one. Super High Energy!"

Hey, I don’t mind Gloria Estefan in a kitschy kind of way. Would I include her in a public top ten list to the world? Not a chance.

10. Lifehouse - "First Time"-"Really good beat for a hard workout".

For a second I thought it was Lighthouse and got excited he included a legendary Canadian band. But no, it’s Lifehouse. I just listened to a sampling of “First Time”. A sampling is all I need.

So what I’ve learned is that Jake has as much taste in music as he has in women.

(Okay, turnabout is fair play. I won’t make a top ten list because that would require thought. But I’ll fire up the old iPod, set it to shuffle, and give you the first ten that show up, embarrassing or not. So you can judge me appropriately:

1. Louis Prima - “St. Louis Blues”
2. Elvis Costello - “Two Little Hitlers”
3. Richard Cheese - “Add it Up”
4. Smoking Popes - “Stars”
5. Rilo Kiley - “The Good That Won’t Come Out”
6. Stevie Wonder - “Too Shy to Say”
7. Oscar Peterson - “Honeysuckle Rose”
8. Joani Taylor - “Imagine My Frustration”
9. Leo Ferre -”Soleils Couchants”
10. Arethra Franklin - “Oh No Not My Baby”

I’ll put that list up any day of the week over Jake’s. Judge me if you will.

Okay, on with the show.

SEGMENT 1: Down to the final five. I wonder how many will go home tonight. The girls are still in the RV, heading to San Francisco, Former Front Runner Ali’s hometown (living up to the name, by the way. She was third in last week’s poll).

Jake says he feels really strong about the final five. Yet when he greets the RV at the hotel, his face belies those words. His smile looks forced. It’s not the smile of a guy who is jazzed to see the women of his dreams.

I don’t think the girls have ever stayed at a hotel before. Yes, it’s a five-star one and admittedly pretty nice, but really, it’s a hotel. The way they’re going on about the view and the beds is a bit over the top. I could understand if it was the hillbilly Ella, but these are all city girls.

This week there are three one-on-one dates and one two-on-one date. He will get to know the ladies on a much deeper level. i.e. no hide-and-seek or spin-the-bottle.

The first date card is for Dumb Divorced Tenley: “Let’s get our love on track in San Francisco!” Hello trolley car. She’s so excited she takes gosh’s name in vein twice.

SEGMENT 2: Jake digs Tenley’s positivity. They walk out to the street and they see a trolley come around the corner. The Dumb one asks if they’re taking it. Uh, “let’s get our love on track”? Hello? They get it all to themselves and are delivered to Chinatown. “It’s amazing!” enthuses Jake. “It feels like you’re in a foreign country.”

Tenley feels like they’re a couple already. And you know what? They make a nice couple, I gotta admit. What you see is what you get with both of them, I think. They’re nice looking, not too deep, decent people. If she weren’t already divorced by the age of 25, I’m sure Jake would have no hesitation at all. He’s starting to fall for her, but he wants to get into her... head. What were you thinking?

Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives. I think Classy Corrie reads it. I’m guessing that’s her because she looks different in every single shot. But through process of elimination, I figure it’s gotta be her. Anyway, the big news is that the two-on-one date is with Former Front Runner Ali and Spoiled Vienna! How awesome is that?! “Come be the queen in my castle!” the note reads.

No wait! The funny Corrie does it again. She was kidding. Ooh, I like a girl with a sense of humour, even if she does possess the alien-like ability to shapeshift. So the real twosome is Gia Pet and Spoiled Vienna. The Spoiled one is now living up to her name. I deserve a pat on the back for these nicknames which I assigned on the very first episode. She’s upset. So she gets into it with the Former Front Runner, who wants to know why she’s mad at her. Ali sure is losing points in a hurry. She asks what she did, and Vienna rightly mentions her flipping out at the rose ceremony because Vienna was chosen. Ali’s response: “How do you know that was because of you?” Once again, I must remind Ali that there is film in the cameras and this is being recorded for air on a national network. Now Ali digs a deeper hole by saying it has nothing to do with Vienna; it’s her opinion. Um, I think that makes sense. Does it? Maybe not. “This isn’t about who’s a better person,” Ali says. “Everyone has faults. I have a lot of them.” I gotta say she wasn’t very convincing. Kinda disappointed in the Former Front Runner. She coulda had class. She coulda been a contender. She coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what she is, let’s face it (said in my best Marlon Brando impression).

SEGMENT 3: Back on the date, Jake the Flake and Dumb Divorced Tenley have dinner at Coit Tower. He says she’s the one he pictures most as his wife. But he’s trying hard not to fall too hard too fast because of her divorce. Did I not mention that not three paragraphs ago? I’m good, I gotta admit. You’re lucky to have me. (Wait, don’t go! Sometimes I just get full of myself. I’m human. Everyone has faults. I have a lot of them.)

At dinner Jake asks what mistakes she made in her marriage. She says she took her husband for granted and lounged around on the couch when he walked in. She vows to never make that mistake again. Uh-huh.

She turns the tables on him and asks about his expectations of marriage. He answers, “I expect my wife to always, no matter what, to have my back. No matter what. Respect from my wife is one of the most important things to me.” In other words, get your lazy ass up off the couch when I walk in the door. “And to trust that I will love, honour and respect no matter what. Even when I do something stupid, hurt her feelings.” Tenley pretends to be impressed.

One more question from Tenley about pilots and faithfulness. I didn’t know there was a correlation, but maybe there is. Jake says cheating is a choice. I agree. But then he says the woman he marries will be the last woman he looks at. Oh, sweet, naive Jake. Why set yourself up to fail?

After kissing, they decide to open up their specially made fortune cookies. They each took turns creating a fortune for the other. So Tenley opens hers up. It reads, “Kiss me.” Jake opens his up: “Kiss me.” So they kiss some more. Then they go outside and kiss yet again.

SEGMENT 4: A big trunk arrives at the hotel suite filled with clothes for Gia Pet and Spoiled Vienna on their date. Jackets and scarves and shirts and dresses. Vienna says, not fully understanding how TV works, that it was “really, really, really sweet of him. It meant a lot.” No wonder most of these relationships end up in the toilet after a season is over. When the producers aren’t around to do all these really sweet things, the bloom is off the rose. Reality bites.

The date is at a castle winery in Napa Valley. Can we expect more frolicking in the vineyard? One can only dream. Jake doesn’t like the 2-on-1 dates because he doesn’t know how to divide his time between the women.

Red flag #1: “I’m my dad’s princess. Now I’m Jake’s queen. And he’s my Prince Charming.” – Spoiled Vienna.

Vienna dominates the conversation and poor wallflower Gia feels like the third wheel. Classy as always, Vienna says she’s going to try to keep Jake’s attention on her and that while Gia is around, she’s going to pretend she’s not even there. How to win friends and influence people, Vienna-style. And true to her word, while the three of them are sitting around making small talk, Vienna starts emoting about the last rose ceremony, as if Gia weren’t even there. Gia, meanwhile, sits there sucking on her Band-aid taking it all in. She must be loving this.

Jake admits the dinner was awkward. He finally steals Gia away from that train wreck. Gia tells Jake she’s always cold. Can’t see why. She must weigh close to a hundred pounds.

She also says that while she may not act insecure or seem insecure, she’s probably the most insecure girl in the fivesome. You would have thought that collagen, plastic surgery and fake boobs would have given her a level of security, but maybe it just speaks to how big of a basketcase she was before her new look.

Gia opens up once they’re alone. Apparently Jake’s thing is to have each girl’s legs on him, and they all found out about it. That hurt Gia. She thought it was just their thing. Not to defend the guy, but there are only so many intimate lounging positions that can be shown on TV. What did she expect? That he liked her legs on him, but with Vienna he likes his legs on her, and with Ali he likes her right leg on him, and with Tenley he likes her left on him, and with Corrie he likes their legs intertwined? He avoids the charge that they’re all the same to him and tells her she’s not lost in a crowd. He’s really, really into her.

Now, I may make cracks about her face job or lip enhancement, and for all I know she’s a natural beauty who’s never had a day’s work done on her. But isn’t it odd that in their little tete-a-tete she won’t take her hands away from her mouth and when she does she flips her hair down in front of her face or bows her head or scrunches up her lips or bites them? It’s as if she doesn’t want him to get a good look at it. Suspicious. Or maybe it’s just her insecurity.

As they neck, Spoiled Vienna goes on the prowl looking for them. This could be good. She doesn’t want him kissing or cuddling anybody else, she says, as we get a close-up of Gia’s tongue in Jake’s mouth.

SEGMENT 5: The kissing continues, but stops before Vienna finally finds them. She wants her boyfriend now, even if he does taste like a mixture of collagen and lip gloss.

Vienna gets some alone time with Jake. She drapes her legs over his lap, just the way he likes her to. And only her. He looks worried. He asks her what married life would be like with her. She rambles on about wanting kids and wanting to travel and waking up in exuberant love. She doesn’t think it (the love, one presumes) should just die down. Ah, sweet youth.

When she sees him with other girls, “it’s like a knife through the heart”, she says choking up. That’d be Red Flag #2. “I don’t want to share you anymore.”

Back at the hotel, another card arrives. There’s not much drama considering everyone gets a date and no one has to pack their bags. But they play along and pretend to be excited. The date is for Classy Corrie, the Shapeshifter: “Love is a walk in the park.” Let me guess... they’re going to a... parking lot? I dunno. These things are so damned cryptic!

Vienna and Gia go to their shared room in the castle while the shirtless Jake gets ready for bed. And Spoiled Vienna sneaks off to be with him because she thought (rightly) that during their one-on-one time his mind was somewhere else. Gia thinks (rightly) that she’s making a big mistake. Vienna brings Jake a big glass of wine and giggles that she doesn’t want to have to go back to her room tonight. Jake tells us – no, he assures us – that he had dirty thoughts, just like Jimmy Carter, but that nothing was going to happen. And nothing does, leaving Spoiled Vienna confused about where she stands.

SEGMENT 6: Classy Corrie, the Shapeshifter, is only 23. Did I know that? That’s too young to get married. Or at least too young to get married and stay married.

I know she’s all excited for her one-on-one date with Jake and she wants to make a good impression, but did you get a load of her footwear? She knows she’s going for a walk in the park and she’s wearing pumps.

Out on a rowboat, Corrie thinks they’re getting really comfortable with each other but it sounds stilted to me. Maybe it’s the nature of the beast, and I know darling Jillian was guilty of this, but every date shouldn’t sound like a job interview. And when they’re not talking, it’s even more awkward as they sit silently waiting for the other to make the first move. Classy Corrie comes by her nickname honestly, too. She’s a lady. She doesn’t make the first move. She says he should go 90 percent and she’ll make up the other 10. Jake agrees a man should make the first move, but his math is different. He’s only willing to go in 80 percent. That leaves him ten percent off his target. He puts an end to the terminal tension with, “I’m about ready for dinner.” Good call, sugar lips.

He likes being around Corrie but for the life of him can’t figure out why it’s going so slow with her. Might have something to do with that ten percent, loverboy.

Back at the suite, there’s a card. Who could it be for?! It’s for Ali! Will the surprises never cease?! “I want to leave my heart in San Francisco. Show me your city.” She gets to dictate this date. Vienna, naturally, is so happy for her.

Jake and Corrie head to a science centre. He asks her if she’s ever been to a museum after hours. What the hell did he expect? Unless she’s a curator or a janitor, chances are she hasn’t.

They sit down to dinner in front of a giant aquarium because, you know, that’s what you do at a science centre. Corrie realizes the date has been a bit awkward so she addresses it and they start into the job interview. She says she wouldn’t live with someone before marriage because that’s part of the gift of marriage. Hey, why buy the cow if you get the milk for free, am I right, ladies? She says she’s saving herself for marriage. As silly as I think that notion is, I gotta respect a beautiful woman who does it. Someone with no, or very few, options I can understand. But someone like Classy Corrie has no doubt had many invitations to be deflowered. Man, though, with Jake’s religious background and now Corrie’s wish to leave her hymen intact for the foreseeable future, the fantasy suite episodes are going to be a major let-down.

They do kiss, though. It looks like he gave in and went in the whole 90 percent. Well done, sir. I wasn’t sure you had it in you.

SEGMENT 7: Ali prepares for her date. Does she look like a young Jody Foster? Kind of, I think. Hopefully she won’t switch teams later in life, though.

They head up to the roof to get their bearings then head out in the city. He stops to buy her flowers in her neighbourhood. Jake says it would be fun to have a place in Dallas and a place in S.F. He actually says S.F. The initials. That’s the first I’ve ever heard anyone refer to it that way. Is that common?

She takes Jake through a typical Sunday, which starts by her checking her e-mail. Aren’t we at the point now where that is just a given? Doesn’t everyone? If you’re going to mention that as part of your day, why not your morning constitution?

Potential Red Flag moment for Ali: She says she knows she doesn’t come from a picture-perfect family. And she’s okay with it. Oh, please, please keep her around for one more week. Give us that little bit of joy. You’ve taken away any sense of titilation from the Fantasy Suite episode. Let us have at least one screwed up family on the family visits episode.

SEGMENT 8: Laying on a blanket in a park, Jake gets a back rub. Then he gets a front rub with Ali straddling him. Suffice it to say she ain’t saving herself for marriage.

He needs to find out from her about the drama at the last rose ceremony. But it’ll come, he says. Meanwhile, as she lays straddling his midsection, groin to groin, she says, “I feel comfortable with you.” He says, “Me, too.” I should hope so.

Jake finally screws up the courage to ask her about the last rose ceremony. She answers in generalities until he asks her if she has any specific questions she’d like answered. She politely declines, saying she doesn’t need any questions answered. If he picks her, then she’s his. She’s good at talking in circles. Jake finally says the V-word. And Ali relents. Jake tells her Vienna is “so incredibly honest and she goes out of her way to let me know she’s here for me.” And, apparently, she walks around the house topless, don't forget. Ali says she’s ready to let go of it. They kiss. Ali doesn’t look like the best kisser.

SEGMENT 9: Rose ceremony night, which happens the same night as the Ali date. Jake has no idea what he’s going to do.

He seems to really connect well with Dumb Divorced Tenley.

Undefiled Corrie has a great line: “Just because I’m a virgin doesn’t mean I’m not in touch with my sensual side.” I believe she’s right. I think touching herself is fair game. But she wants him to know her virginity doesn’t define her. But Jake is fine with it. I bet he is. Every guy wants to be a girl’s first.

Gia made a poor choice putting her hair back, exposing her cat mask. But Jake doesn’t seem to notice... Memory, turn your face to the moonlight... Now it’s stuck in my head. Thanks Gia.

Ali and Tenley have a hush-hush conversation. Where are the subtitles when you need them? Why include this scene if we can’t understand more than just the gist? I think Ali said she thinks he’s torn between Corrie and Gia. She really is over Vienna, isn’t she?

Jake takes Vienna down to his room to reassure her the awkwardness of the two-on-one date was just situational. He seems to really like her.

So where does this leave us? Who does he send home? Ali thinks either Gia or Corrie. Man, I don’t know. Maybe Gia, but the editors did a fine job this week keeping us off the scent. Me, at least, since as you know I don’t read spoilers. I’ll go out on a limb and say Corrie’s going home. He’ll say things were moving too slowly and if they had more time, yada yada yada. We’ll see.

SEGMENT 10: Jake and Chris talk it over. Chris has done a great job memorizing his lines this week: “Let’s talk about Tenley... Let’s talk about Gia... Let’s talk about Corrie... Let’s talk about Ali... Let’s talk about Vienna.” Seriously. It’s an effective interview technique.

Jake notices Gia’s insecurity. His values line up with Corrie. But there’s a quick edit. Who knows what got left out. But I’m sticking with Corrie as the one who gets sent home. Regardless who it is, “this rose ceremony is going to hurt,” he says. He looks over all the photos and I swear to God Corrie looked different again.

SEGMENT 11: Do or die time. Four roses to hand out. As the five women stand there, it’s clear that Tenley has the best legs. Ali has the thickest. Corrie has to go to the bathroom. Either that or she is militantly virginal and won’t even uncross her legs before marriage.
Let’s not waste any further time. It’s time to hand out some roses! Here they are, in order:

1. Dumb Divorced Tenley. Good choice.

Gia is sucking on her lips. Too late. We already saw your cat mouth.

2. Former Front Runner Ali. Yay! Psycho family here we come!

3. Gia Pet.

Corrie is sure giving off attitude. Just because she's a virgin doesn't mean she's not in touch with her bitchy side.

4. Vienna. Gotta love it.

Oh Classy Corrie. If only you put out. And didn't look like someone different every day. Jake says there was just something missing; it just didn’t feel right. She was taking so long to open up and he was worried she’d never open up fully. Nice, Jake. Get the girl to admit to the world she’s a virgin, then dump her for not opening up.

There are some tears in the limo but Classy Corrie the Shapeshifter is a very level-headed young woman. Kudos to her. Her cherry lives for another day.

Ooh, next week, for the first time ever there will be no rose ceremony. I’m sure you’ll find out through Virtual Steve or others what, exactly will happen. But I implore you to avoid such spoilers and enjoy the show next week.

I’m looking forward to reading your comments this week. And don’t forget to vote in the poll.