Week 8: Dangling legs

Welcome back to this little corner of the blogosphere. Great comments last week, people. I’d totally read your blogs on this show if you had them. So keep up with your takes on what we’re watching.

Faith mentioned Tenley, whose name, of course, I remember but my memory being what it is, I couldn’t place her. So I Googled Tenley and found her website. I totally remember her and how sweet she was, but get a load of her new look. After seeing the photos on there, I still didn’t recognize her (that's her on the right). It took me a while. And if you click on the contact tab, you’ll see she’s got a person to write to if you want Tenley for appearances, someone for media and publicity requests, and some for “other business or professional matters”. Who needs Tenley, the dancing queen, for an appearance, you ask? Well, it turns out that “Tenley has had a heartbreaking personal journey and now shares a message of hope and inspiration.” She seemed like she was on the show for the requisite “right reasons” but seeing all this gives me pause. Is she just seizing an opportunity that came out of her appearance on The Bachelor, or was this her plan all along?

What a week. First off, Jake and Vienna absolutely stun, well, nobody, actually, with their on-camera argument post-break-up, then news comes out (thanks Karen for the scoop!) that my wonderful Jillian finally saw the light and ditched dull Ed. Funny, last week I even mentioned them, saying, and I quote (thus the quotation marks), “Jillian has way too much class and humour to ever let her relationship with the half-wit end in such public humiliation.” And sure enough I was right. But do you think they had been trying to figure out a way to break the inevitable break-up to the world and when the Jake and Vienna meltdown was shown, they figured, “Now’s our chance. Nobody will even notice”? Me, too.

What was the name of the Chandler/Michael Keaton look-alike I liked so much in Jillian’s season? The funny realtor from Philly. I think they should totally rekindle their relationship. On national TV, of course.

Okay, but enough about those past failures. Let’s concentrate on this future failure. Ali’s got four fellas left at her disposal. And tonight she meets the parents.

They’re home from Europe (and Asia, if they happened to stroll into that section of Istanbul). Ali jets off from Los Angeles to Tampa, Florida, to meet Roberto and his folks. Her ride pulls up and Ali dashes out as she and Roberto run to each other. But this is telling. He embraces her and lifts her in the air but her legs are lifeless, just hanging from her hips instead of wrapping themselves around Roberto’s midsection. That’s not a good sign.

Roberto takes Ali to the baseball diamond at his old university and gives her a jersey. Then he disappears and runs back out in his Tampa uniform. Good move, because Ali thinks a baseball uniform is just about the sexiest thing a guy can wear. Sorry sumo wrestlers.

After horsing around on the field and taking batting practice, Roberto, recognizing he didn’t get the leg wrap earlier, lifts her up at second base and practically moves her legs so they’ll wrap around his waist. But she doesn’t keep them up for more than a second or two. Then, after they round third and stomp on home plate, he lifts her up a third time and her legs remain limp. I think she likes Roberto but will ultimately give him the “just good friends” line.

Sitting on the field, Roberto whips out his own baseball card from when he played on a team in Ali’s hometown. What are the odds? I think he probably has a baseball card of himself Photoshopped onto whatever team he needs to win over whoever he’s dating.

He tells her his dad is tough and his mom is passive and doesn’t like to argue. It’ll take a few days for that to sink in, but she’ll conclude eventually that if the old chestnut doesn’t fall far from the tree, she might not want to be in that type of scenario down the road. I mean, Roberto doesn’t seem that way at all, but he’s on TV. Granted, that hasn’t stopped so many others from revealing their ugly sides.

***

Roberto says “bringing Ali home today is a sign to them that I’m very serious about this.” Really, Roberto? It’s not a sign that you’re contractually obligated or pressured by the cameras a little bit?

Ali is going to meet Roberto’s dad, Roberto, his mother Olga, and his sister, Olga. Nice egos on the parents. Whenever I see the old Jr./Sr. thing, I always think, what if the kid turned out to be rotten? Or notorious? Like a mass murderer or something. Look what happened to Dick Smothers, of Smothers Brothers fame. His first son was named Dick Smothers, Jr. and what did he do? He became a porn star. I mean, he was given the perfect name for such a thing, but still. According to a CNN story, the senior Smothers said, "My first reaction was, 'What name are you going to use?' ... He says he's going to use his name, and I said, 'Wait a minute. That's my name. I had it first.'" Let that be a lesson to future parents out there.

I can’t figure out who the mom is and who the daughter is. And I can’t figure out whether that’s a compliment to the mom or an insult to the daughter. Probably the former.

The dad is tough but not too tough. In a room filled with athletic trophies his son won, he gets down to business, wanting to know if Ali and her big dreams will accommodate Roberto’s big dreams (code for stay at home and look after her man). He’s looking out for the best interest of his son.

Both mom and pop give Roberto, Jr. their blessings for a future union. No mention if they would also bless a future on-screen break-up like we saw last week or if they’d just prefer a quiet press release.

After all the talk, mom and dad get up and shake their booty, Latin-style. They’re good. Then Ali gets up and shows that she’s the whitest woman on Earth, but gives it the old college try.

***

Next up is Cape Cod Chris, so guess where they are? Chris is excited to match the two things he loves (Cape Cod and his family) to Ali (something he likes?).

They trot to each other on the beach and hug. Ali gets no air. If you’re going to rate greetings, here’s what the order would be, from worst to first, in a handy-dandy reference guide you can print off and consult when the need arises. Ali and Chris's greeting is in bold:

• Handshake
• No touching whatsoever
• Lean-in hug
• Close hug with a tap on the back
• Close long hug
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air
• Run to each other and close hug, no air
• Close long hug followed by kiss on the cheek
• Close long hug followed by a perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air, kiss on the cheek
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Run to each other and close hug, no air, kiss on the cheek
• Run to each other and close hug, no air, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, kiss on the cheek
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, kiss on the cheek
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, kiss on the cheek
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, perfunctory kiss on the lips
• Close long hug followed by a deep kiss
• Trot to each other and close hug, no air, deep kiss
• Run to each other and close hug, no air, deep kiss
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, deep kiss
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, deep kiss
• Trot to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, deep kiss
• Run to each other and close hug, airlift, leg wrap, deep kiss

As you can see, they’ve got a long way to go. She says she hasn’t seen all sides of Chris and she’s hoping he opens up more. I still don’t get what she wants. I don’t see anyone else opening up any more than he has.

Meanwhile, Chris calls her the “perfect girlfriend”. He’d never leave her, I bet. And that means she’ll never pick him. Nice guys finish last. Or, in this case, no worse than 4th, but probably not first.

They enter the house and Ali makes a beeline for the photos of his late mother, which, she says, are all over the house. And she feels closer to Chris than she ever has to this point. They sit on the porch and pretend to be an old couple. Chris tells her she makes him smile and happy. Ali tells us she’s really feeling him today.

***

Chris’s dad walks in. He seems like the perfect patriarch. Then the brothers and their wives arrive, one of whom (Sara) looks like Maria Shriver (left) at a normal weight and without a facelift and normal-sized teeth. They have the same low hairline. Or maybe all Massachussettsians look pretty much the same.

(Aside time: I’ve never met anyone who can’t pronounce the first ‘t’ in important, like Ali, but I’ve seen it on TV. Is it a regionalism? Anyone got any info on that?)

Chris’s dad always told his mom, “Love is the only reality. And if you have love, nothing else matters.” Not sure a homeless person would agree, but it’s a nice sentiment.

***

Chris’s dad kinda reminds me of The Friendly Giant (maybe my American friends won’t get that reference, but that’s him in the photo. He was a hero to Canadian kids of my vintage). The dad says to Ali that he knows she left her job to be with her grandmother... I know she left her job to do The Bachelorette; I didn’t know about the grandmother. Hmm, is this a pattern? Is Ali all talk when it comes to jobs? She comes off all career-oriented, but she’ll quit at the first chance she gets?

The dad thinks Ali’s a keeper. I think Chris is in way too deep. They climb a mini tower somewhere out back of their home and Chris goes in for a kiss. She turns her head so he goes for the neck. Ali says, “I like it when you kiss my neck” but her internal editor doesn’t let slip the rest: “because it grosses me out when you kiss my lips.” Finally, he grabs her by the back of the neck and forces himself on her. She kisses back but it looks to me like she’s not really into it and backs off at the first chance. Oh, poor, poor Chris. Ali’s got a very good thing there and she doesn’t know it.

***

Next up is Mouldy Kirk’s family in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Ali does the slow trot, and Kirk gets her airborn but her legs dangle. There are no kisses until Kirk grabs her by the jawline, saying, “Come here” and plants a wet one on her. She complies but not wholeheartedly.

Kirk comes from a split home, he says, and Ali needs to see both sides. Apparently, his parents don’t even speak to each other. Ali, too, comes from a broken home but her parents speak, as did mine. How bad is it when two middle-aged or old people who have grown kids can’t even sit in the same room together for TV’s sake?

His dad sure looks young. Maybe that’s why. Or maybe he just looks young because my reference points are so old. He and his new wife have an adopted pre-teen daughter, so he can’t be that old. And this is TV, so he can’t be as creepy as the edit they’re giving him, either. He says, “So Ali, would you like to go see my basement?”, with a lecherous grin. We’ve all known for weeks what’s down there, though, so there’s no surprise. All the walls are covered with stuffed animal heads. “This is what I do,” he says. “This is my taxidermy work. I bring animals back to life.” That’s a pleasant spin, isn’t it? He brings them to life and keeps them locked up in his basement. What a humanitarian!

Then he opens up a freezer. Because that’s what you do when you’re showing your son’s girlfriend around, right? She asks what the bags are. He says, “You don’t really want to know what that is, do you?” But it’s not what you think. They’re just frozen dead animals.

Kirk’s dad is great, says Ali, once she got past the initial shock of the animals. The dad says he’d love to have Ali around all the time. I bet he would.

After a successful date at dad’s place, Kirk gets to take her to his mom’s place. Extra TV time. Coming from a broken home finally pays off.

***

Kirk now shows off the women in his life: his mom, grandmother and sister. Seeing Ali with them makes Kirk all warm inside. Now he’s finally ready to give in a relationship. This is what he wants.

I won’t say his mom looks all that young, but she’s wearing braces. The ladies seem great. Nice family. It makes me wonder, though, just how bitter the breakup was between the mom and dad that they couldn’t even sit there all together and meet their son’s potential future ex-fiancée.

***

Crazy Eyes Frank is back in Chicago. I don’t know why but I always thought of him as a Seattle guy. I don’t know what that tells me about him or Seattle.

Ali is really, really into this guy for reasons only the editors know. Just the sight of him walking towards her makes her run straight to him. Frank barely broke into a trot. She gets some air on the embrace but the cameras don’t show us from the waist down. Still, the fact she ran to him tells me she’s into him the most. She can’t contain herself. She keeps going on how funny he is. Still haven’t seen it. I mean, not an ounce of it.

Sitting on a boat, Frank tells Ali he has concerns about the date. The process just sucks, he says because he’s obviously never seen a single episode of this show from all the seasons past. He has these awesome feelings, but then has to be away from her. It’s a very stressful ordeal. He’s just never entirely confident. Wah-wah, what a whiner.

I love the t-shirt he’s wearing. He looks like a French mime. Could that neckline be any lower?

***

Ali is getting to the point where she really needs the stay-at-home retail manager to step up. They arrive home to meet Frank’s mom and dad. I know I’m getting old because they look young, too. They’re really funny, unlike their pedestrian son. Okay, maybe it is all in the editing. He must be somewhat funny with parents like that.

Frank’s pregnant sister had a big butt... No, wait. She had a big ‘but’. She started to say they look so happy together, “but--” and was interrupted by Frank. I wonder what she was going to say. She tells Ali Frank’s an emotional guy who’s guided by his emotions. No kidding. It's all right there in his crazy eyes.

We didn’t get to see Frank’s room. I would have thought Ali would want to see where she’d be sleeping should she choose him. And I wanted to see if he had Spider-Man sheets on his bed.

***

Well, that’s it for the hometown dates. Ali says she’s crazy about all four of these guys and it breaks her heart to let one of them go after meeting their families. She sits down with Chris to rehash the four dates. She was enthusiastic about all of them. The only one she didn’t have a cautious word about was Roberto, which tells me he’s the one to go. Chris asks if her husband is among those guys. She sighs, mentions she’s scared, but says yes. She’s already crying about the prospect of sending one of them home. Can’t wait until the rose ceremony.

***

Roberto is looking a little ragged, with his tie all askew. Ali enters and starts to blubber during her pre-rose speech but pulls herself together in time. We know Frank is in since we know all too well his “we need to talk” line is in a future episode.

• First rose goes to Roberto. Oh good! Glad I was wrong about that.
• Second rose goes to Chris. So we know, thanks to the brutal editors of this stupid show, that Kirk is a goner since we’ve seen Frank in upcoming highlights.
• The last rose goes to... Frank. Chris Harrison should have announced that this would be “the least dramatic last rose in Bachelorette history!”

She mouths “sorry” to Mouldy Kirk. They sit down together and he tells her not to be sorry. She’s bawling. But he tells her it’s okay; it just sucks. As he turns to get in the limo, she whines, “I need a hug.” He complies but should have just slammed the door.

Kirk didn’t see this coming. He’s never had his heart broken before because he’s usually the one to leave in a relationship. Karma’s a bitch, dude.

Back inside, Ali is all smiles, glad she shedded that dead weight. She tells the guys they’re going to Tahiti next. But of course we’ve known for weeks. But at least we'll finally be able to see what, exactly, is up with Crazy Eyes Frank.

Week 7: Lisbon in fast forward

Hey folks. How’s everyone feeling? Enjoying the season? I don’t follow the show anywhere else, but I’m curious what the buzz was with Jason, the Wrassler, after last week’s show. Has he been vilified? Is the blogosphere believing what went down? Feel free to let me know in the comments section. Since he’s off the show now, it won’t be a spoiler.

I was heartened to see that 100 percent of readers here (all twelve of you) thought the upcoming highlights give away way too stinking much. These producers don’t understand what “tease” means. They don’t get that we’re already hooked. And on a bit of a tangent, it doesn’t matter to us if all the fellas are nice guys without an ounce of drama. Human relationships are drama in and of themselves. They don’t need to artificially increase it by putting schmucks in the fold and by showing us ahead of time what’s going to happen. Just let it play out. Put the reality back in reality TV. Have confidence in your product.

Okay, enough of that. It’s show time!

Where are we this week? Ah yes, Lisbon. That’d be Portugal. Gotta like the locations this season. They’re not the obvious places they've visited in years past. They're going in style this time.

Five guys are left, four get roses. But there will be four dates with zero roses. What’s up with that? What's the point?

Roberto gets the first date: “Come be the king of my castle.” Crazy Eyes Frank is already flashing his deranged peepers.

Roberto and Ali take to the streets of Lisbon acting like fools. They stand out like sore thumbs. First they’re taking pictures with unimpressed cops, then they’re slow dancing and smooching in the street. Can you say Ugly American?

They hop on a trolley car and kiss some more. Alright, we get it already.

Back at the hotel, Crazy Eyes Frank is telling the others what they should do this week. It’s not a joke; it’s cards on the table time. I wonder what he’ll lay down. As he’s laying down the law, there’s a knock at the door. Cape Cod Chris picks up the piece of paper, reads it, and says, “Date card, gentlemen.” Are they just not showing us all the other knocks on the door they get throughout a given day? How would he not know it’s a date card before even getting up off the couch?

This date card is for a two-on-one. Who are the unlucky sods? Crazy Eyes Frank and Big Ears Ty: “Let’s find our future in the past.” Frank considers Ty to be his biggest competition. As you might imagine, Crazy Eyes isn’t too thrilled about having to walk around on a date with Ty. He wants her all to himself.

Ali and Roberto share some wine and tapas (I’m guessing) outside at a castle. Ali admits she can’t cook. Points for honesty, I guess. She calls Roberto a mystery and says she needs to figure him out. He seems too good to be true. But is she out of his league? Quite possibly. Although their date was perhaps the kissiest one of the season.

More upcoming highlights that give away almost everything. Brutal.

***

It’s the two-on-one. Oh, thank God! They’re travelling by helicopter! I thought the producers had forgotten about that majestic bird. I never get sick of watching them watching the view. It never ever gets old.

The three sit down to dinner so we’ve obviously missed the whole day’s events. Clearly either it was boring as hell or there’s too much drama at dinner. Ali says she’s in a weird place and gives them the “it’s not you, it’s me” line.

Ali takes Big Ears Ty away for some one-on-one time. There are no kisses to be seen. Nothing much is said. Family, blah, blah, blah.

Back at the hotel, the date card is for Mouldy Kirk: “Once upon a time...” (There are only so many castle references so they had to get oblique on this one.)

Crazy Eyes Frank now takes Ali aside. Here we go! But no, just more family talk. She immediately kisses him. Maybe Big Ears is the odd man out, if kisses are any indication.

Here it comes: Crazy Eyes reveals all to Ali. He quit his job, moved to Europe, moved back home... and that’s where he is. He’s living with his folks. Does this phase Ali? Not in the least. She moves in for an even bigger kiss. But he should have been pushed out of the tree they’re in just because of the way he told it. If he had just mentioned it in passing early on and sloughed it off like it was a temporary thing, no big deal. But he made it seem like a big, dark secret. She should have laughed in his face whether she felt that way or not. Thankfully for Crazy Eyes, Ali is pissed out of her tree and is just horny as all get out. So he's safe.

Hey, look, there’s Jake and Vienna. What a happy couple. I wonder whatever became of them?

***

Mouldy Kirk and Ali are going to a beautiful place today, but Ali admits her mind is a little preoccupied. And Kirk tells her he’s a little nervous. I see no connection between these two. I don’t even think the ridiculously tall glasses of beer will help.

A chariot pulls up and they switch to white wine for the ride through the countryside. They arrive at another castle with an incredible panoramic view. Ali isn’t doing a very good job of hiding her emotions. Mouldy Kirk can sense her unease. But I think Ali told someone a few episodes ago that she wears her emotions on her sleeve so you always know how she's feeling.

***

Ali says she “had” a romantic dinner planned for her and Kirk on the roof of the castle. She’s wearing a white business suit, if that means anything. Kirk is asking her to be honest with him, good or bad, because that’ll make things easier. He’s a wise man. She lies that she might not be good enough one day for him. Really? With Kirk? That guy’d be lucky to have someone like Ali. She should worry about that with Roberto, because she won’t be, guaranteed. But with Kirk? Nah. But whatever he told her worked magic. They kiss. And it looks legit.

Date card time. It's for Chris: “Love gets better with age.” The guys rib him about being the oldest one there.

That was a nothing date with Kirk, wasn’t it?

***

Cape Cod Chris is given a mo-ped to drive Ali around on. He has no idea what he’s doing. She’s slagging him at every mention. He’s going slow on the scooter, just like their relationship, she says. Finally she takes over and guns it. They seem to laugh a lot together. Sure, they're laughing at him, but at least he can laugh at himself. That’s something, isn’t it?

They unfurl a red blanket and have a picnic. Ali immediately gets Chris to start talking about his mom again. No wonder the relationship is going slow. She says she can feel his walls coming down but isn’t sure it isn’t too late. But whose fault is that? Let the guy talk about something else for a second. It’s hard to get hot and steamy right after talk of a deceased parent.

***

They go to a winery. Ah, "love gets better with age". Wine. I get it. Ali wants to “let loose”. But they sit down and start talking about family again. He’s anything but smooth, this guy, but that might be part of his charm. He pulls out a home-made bracelet for her and that’s enough to warrant a big old smooch. Just shower her with gifts and she’s putty in your hands.

Are these short segments or is there just nothing to say? They're zipping through all the dates.

***

It’s a rainy rose ceremony. Who will be sent home this week? There were no kisses for Big Ears Ty. Could it be him? I think she has the least chemistry with Mouldy Kirk. That’s my call.

Hey, we’re only one hour into the show! What’s up? Usually this comes at the end of the show. So will there be an hour of extra drama or is it just the Jake & Vienna dog & pony show?

Here are your rose winners:

• Cape Cod Chris
• Crazy Eyes Frank
• Roberto

Look, Ty and Kirk are left. The final rose goes to:

• Kirk

So Big Ears Ty is a goner. Too bad. He was a solid, upstanding guy, I thought.

Ty smothers Ali with a big ole bear hug. She walks him into the downpour. Ty says he’s okay but he’s just disappointed. He had some unbelievable feelings, he said. He thanked her for everything then got in the limo, sopping wet. Cue SFX: thunder claps. You can’t tell me those are real. It's just so much more dramatic to have rain and thunder instead of just rain.

Ty feels lost, doesn’t know what to think. Everything seemed right but obviously it was wrong. What does he do from here, he wonders? But the fellas inside are excited that Ali is coming back in wearing a wet skirt.

So one hour and 14 minutes into this two-hour show and we’re done. This answers why each segment seemed to cut to the chase pretty quickly. Should I stick around to watch Jake and Vienna have at it? I think so.

***

Chris Harrison tells us that many people have found love on his show. We know. There’s Trista and Ryan. And... well, there’s Ryan and Trista... And, that’s about it. But the point remains. At least two people have found love on the show. But he regrets to inform us that Jake and Vienna have split.

Chris sits down with Jake first. Apparently the three of them had dinner together a few weeks ago. What went wrong? Jake can’t even fathom her doing this to him, he says. I don't know what she supposedly did, but I can fathom it. I think it's fair to say Jake was probably the only person who couldn't fathom it.

Now, together for the first time since breaking up, Jake and Vienna, ladies and gentlemen! How did we get here? Vienna said it started about a month after they started dating. The first month was great, but then it went downhill. Things were great in public, but not at home. Vienna was lonely. She said there was emotional abuse, but in her next sentence says there was no emotion with each other. She said she’d have to ask to be kissed and when he complied, it was a little peck. Jake is giving us the 100 yard stare throughout.

Why did she take it to the tabloids, Chris asks? She just wanted to make sure she had a voice. And she spends the rest of the hour really making sure she has a voice. Because she won't shut up. She wants people to know she did try. She loved him and wanted it to be different.

Jake interrupts: "I’m so mad at you. I’m disgusted at you." And then she flirted with him all weekend. Oh yes, he’s got text messages to prove it. She calls him a fame whore. She expected a normal life of a pilot’s wife, but said he’s pursuing a career in acting. “At least I’m pursuing something.” Oh, snap!

Jake says she’s having flings with other men. She’s getting worked up and he calmly says, “Why are you raising your voice?” Who to believe here? Doth she protest too much? Or is he full of it? Who knows? Who cares! This is awesome, though. Is he a fame whore? Is she? They’re both loving airing their dirty laundry in public. I know it’s great TV, but the franchise isn’t doing itself any favours with this public display of dysfunction. But I have two words for any naysayers out there who will use this to slam the show's ability to matchmake: Trista and Ryan. Nuff said.

***

Chris wonders why she took it so far to tell such intimate stories. Why put yourself through this? Her only answer is that she knew Jake would do it if she didn’t. Take the high road, girlie. If he does it first, then you go to other tabs and spill the beans. But make him do it first. If he doesn’t, then you’re golden, too. I don't buy her excuse at all. Especially since she reportedly received $90,000 for her story.

Chris reminds them he was there in St. Lucia when they were in love. He’s trying to get them to see what they loved in each other at one time. That’s a good strategy, I think. But it doesn’t work here. I’d say this is a classic case of irreconcilable differences.

One bone of contention was that she wanted to move back to Florida and escape the surreal world of Hollywood. When Chris asks if she’ll disappear now, she says yes. She's taken on a regular old job... in L.A. She’s digging a hole now. Now she’s saying she can’t go back to her hometown because they all turned their backs on her when she moved to L.A. I'm guessing that's a recurring theme in her life.

“Baby, keep quiet while I’m talking,” Jake tells her. Chauvinist. We knew he had that in him, didn’t we?

“How do you get sick of someone in a month?” she asks. Uh, keep talking, baby. You're showing us how.

I don’t know what to say. I’m just blown away by the total awesomeness of this. I can’t wait until Jillian and Ed end this way! (That’s a joke. Jillian has way too much class and humour to ever let her relationship with the half-wit end in such public humiliation.)

Jake raises his voice a bit, saying “Don’t interrupt me.” And Vienna breaks down completely, storming off the set after telling him he’s the biggest jerk she’s ever met in her life. I think she should pursue a career in acting.

***

Jake says unfortunately that’s what one of their arguments looks like. He says he’s never been in a relationship where he’s raised his voice. Usually he’s much more passive-aggressive than this.

Whew. That was awkward, wasn't it? But I think we have ourselves a new Bachelorette!

And now more brutally bad upcoming highlights. We see Crazy Eyes hugging a mysterious brunette. And his “we need to talk” line. What’s his relationship with this woman? Is this a misdirection? Is she just a best friend and confidante? A sister? Or is it something more sinister? Considering the cameras were rolling when he greeted her, I’m guessing it’s not what we're led to believe.

Anyway, one thing we learned this episode is that it’s entirely possible to do the show in one hour.

Week 6: The take-down

Thanks for the comments last week, people. It gives a feller a reason to go on. Plus I enjoy hearing everyone’s opinions. I’ll try not to be so hard on ole Crazy Eyes Frank this week.

Will we find out who has the girlfriend back home tonight? Will it be the only funny guy left in the house (the Wrassler)? Iceland was cool when Batty Kasey was left on the side of a mountain. Who will be the turkey in Istanbul? Let’s find out, shall we?! Melodrama awaits!

She’s thrilled to be in the old Constantinople. She had no idea 13 million people lived there. I suppose that shouldn’t be a slight on her. I didn’t, either. But I knew it was a major city. And I know it’s the only city in the world that spans two continents: it’s partly in Europe and partly in Asia, in case that comes up later.

Chris knocks on Ali’s door. Former cast member Jesse (I don’t remember her), pining for yet more screen time, gave the show a call to tell them the news. This isn’t a set-up at all. It looks completely organic. Now we have to sit through five rings as Chris calls her up, just to build tension so we can watch Ali monitor the pulse on her neck.

Jesse is calling from Toronto, so that can only mean one thing: it’s the Canadian Wrassler, just as everyone suspected. Hey look, there happens to be a camera at Jesse’s house, and the Wrassler’s supposed girlfriend is there with her! What a coincky-dink! The story is they (the Wrassler and his girlfriend Jessica) had planned it together. And the reason she’s contacted the show is because she just found out he has yet another girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. (I just made that up. Feel free to use it.)

This just smacks of... something. I’m not saying it is or isn’t true. I’m just saying it reeks of something. Like maybe the show knew about it all along or he was planted from the beginning just for the drama. You know, just like in all-star wrestling. He’s playing the part of the bad guy.

Ali says Justin, the Wrassler, kept telling her he was there for the right reasons. But that doesn’t mean he was lying. For him, the right reasons might have been publicity. So he could have been telling the truth.

Anyway, she wants him on the first flight back to Canada. First the Sarnia Sleaze and now this. It’s a black mark on this fine country. Will we ever live it down?

***

This has been Ali’s fear from the beginning, that she’s going to give her heart to someone only to have it served back to her on a silver platter. Chris coaches her outside the Wrassler’s room, telling her to take a deep breath.

All the guys are sitting there. Ali cuts right to the chase, saying Justin must really miss his girlfriend in Canada. The Wrassler just gets up and walks away. Just like that. He says he’d rather just not say anything. We hear him say he doesn’t have a girlfriend and Chris asks him if he’s just going to walk away. He says, “Fuck you” to Chris and walks out. This just doesn’t add up.

Ali finds him outside. He tells her if she wants to talk off-camera he will. She puts her finger on his stomach and he says, “Don’t touch me.” Ali shouts after him, “Justin, you’re going to regret this!” Regret what? Walking away? The damage has been done. Wouldn’t he regret sticking around hemming and hawing and looking even worse?

It’s all so over-the-top I don’t know what to make of it. There must be so much more to the story. Can’t wait to hear it. Thank God he’s from Ontario. Nobody likes those jerks.

***

The Wrassler is still walking. Ali is sitting by a fountain. He comes and sits beside her. Here goes: “I know you probably want to rip my head off now,” he says. He says he has strong feelings for Jessica but more as a best friend. He says he’s been less and less into this show, though. He wanted to give the rose back the day after he got it and Kasey was sent home. Still, I think we can all agree it was a good thing Kasey was sent home. The Wrassler did her a favour that way and she should be eternally grateful for that.

Ali gives the Wrassler a piece of her mind. He just hung his head and walked away. To Ali, that was a cowardly move. He denied strongly having another girlfriend. As he we see him walking away we hear the evidence: three phone messages he left with Jessica pleading for her to be his wife and pick up the phone. Well, that’s not gonna happen now, is it, Jessica?

Man, did I just turn this all on Jessica? My man crush has gone too far. But hey, he was expressing his love for her and she just ratted him out on national TV.

***

Okay, let’s concentrate on these other losers.

Aha! Ugly Craig says he’s so glad “that turkey” is gobbling his way back to Canada.

Date card! Back to fake reality!

It’s a one-on-one card. “Let’s get steamy.” It’s for Big Ears Ty. He’s one of the good guys and I’d say the front runner. There’s no way he doesn’t get a rose.

They walk through the beautiful Istanbul hand-in-hand, looking like a nice couple. They arrive at a Turkish bath. I do know that only men are usually allowed to go there, but they make an exception for the show. I hope it doesn’t cause an international incident.

Dumb question of all time: Big Ears asks if she likes massages. Is there any woman alive who would answer in the negative to that question?

Group date card arrives back at the hotel. “Love conquers ol(ive)”. Man, they’re stretching. Cape Cod Chris, Roberto Clemente, Mouldy Kirk, and Ugly Craig. Turns out everyone else has a one-on-one date and Ugly Craig hasn’t had any. So Crazy Eyes Frank will get his second. You think it’s because Craig is ugly? Nah, couldn’t be. Just a fluke, Craig, just a fluke.

***

Big Ears and Ali have dinner by the water. His feelings have gotten stronger and stronger and I think the feeling is reciprocated. The rose is sitting there. No drama or tension here whatsoever. He begs to be flattered, asking her what it is about him that she likes. She likes his looks. To her credit, she doesn’t mention his ears.

He talks about his divorce. Did I know he was divorced? Probably, but I don’t remember it. He’s sounding like a big ole chauvinist now. He expected his wife to stay at home, he tells Ali. But now he realizes that women are CEOs of companies so needn’t stay at home once they’ve finished the dishes and made the beds and they get home in time to make dinner. Ali smiles inexplicably. This raises no alarm bells for her, or at least she’s not letting on. I say, to use a down home homily, you can’t change a leopard’s spots. So I’m sure there’s still some residual sexism lingering.

Ugly Craig wants Big Ears Ty to be sent home because he wants to be the last man standing. Dreamer.

Ali thinks Big Ears Ty is more ready for all this because of what he’s experienced. Yeah, that’s one way of looking at it. People in love will never see the obvious warning signs. Everything will be filtered through the positive lens in their brain. And if they aren’t into them, everything will be filtered through the negative lens.

They dance to some traditional Turkish music on the street. Very romantic. I want to go to Istanbul. But not to dance.

***

Ali plays Rapunzel (I wrote that seconds before Mouldy Kirk said it), waiting for the four fellas from high atop a castle.

They drink beer outside. She tells them there will be no rose on this date, but there will be some fighting. Four Turkish dudes, shirtless and oiled up, enter behind a traditional Turkish band. (I’m guessing it’s traditionally Turkish, anyway. Makes sense, them being in Turkey and all.)

It’s called Olive Oil Wrestling and it’s a professional sport in Turkey. Man, too bad the Wrassler didn’t last one more episode. He'd have kicked their butts with a 2x4 or folding chair. This is a sport I could love if it’s anything like sumo wrestling.

After getting roughed up by the Turks, the four contestants fight each other with the winner getting some special one-on-one time, so it’s “just as impor-ant”. Why can’t Ali pronounce the first ‘t’ in important?

It comes down to Roberto Clemente and Ugly Craig. Roberto is a pro athlete... well, baseball, so close enough... and Ugly Craig is a dorky lawyer. But it’s a battle. Ugly Craig won’t give up. For some reason, known only to aficionados of Turkish Olive Oil Wrestling fans, the ref raises Ugly Craig’s hand. He wins despite getting his butt kicked. Ali looks crestfallen. After doing her best to avoid one-on-one time with the homely attorney, she can no longer put it off.

Hey, you don’t think the producers got in the ear of the ref and fixed the match, do you? Nah, this show has too much integrity for that.

***

While the other three magnanimously tell Crazy Eyes Frank about Ugly Craig’s deeds (obviously Craig’s no threat to them), Crazy Eyes just stares. Because that’s what Crazy Eyes does best. Even though he’s got his own one-on-one date coming up, he can’t even show the slightest bit of happiness for a guy who’s got absolutely no hope.

Ali and Ugly Craig have a dinner somewhere and damned if he doesn’t win me over with his sense of humour again. He talks about taking his Olive Oil Wrestling career to the next level. He’s way funnier than Crazy Eyes Frank. Granted, that’s not saying much, so let me rephrase: Craig is genuinely funny. And he seems like a good guy.

Ali’s body language isn’t exactly saying “come hither” though. She sits with her head facing Ugly Craig but her body is aimed squarely at the door as if she’s planning her escape route.

The one-on-one date card with Crazy Eyes Frank says, “The road to love is bazaar.” I’m guessing that’s the spelling of ‘bizarre’ since they’re in Turkey, doncha know?
Ugly Craig and Ali watch fireworks. In my head I’m singing the theme to Love, American Style.

I think Ugly Craig is growing on me. Could he be my new favourite? I certainly always go for the underdog, so maybe he is.

***

My wife just said she has no desire to go to Turkey. Reason? “Have you seen Midnight Express?” I think she missed the part about the drug smuggling.

Ali says her first date with Crazy Eyes Frank was amazing but since then he continues to disappoint her. They walk through a spice bazaar and play dress-up. Ali comes out as a belly dancer. Crazy Eyes Frank’s eyes get crazier as he hugs his genie. “Oh my God, wow!”

Back at the hotel, Ugly Craig says he thinks he’s the type of guy Ali wants. Just when I start liking him, he shows his cocky side. Meanwhile, Big Ears Ty badmouths Mouldy Kirk. He doesn’t see him with Ali.

Ali thinks the old Crazy Eyes Frank is back. Is that a good thing? I can’t figure that out.

The ads before the commercials keep asking viewers to apply to be the next Bachelor or Bachelorette. I so want to know someone on the show. So if you know me, apply already. I won’t rat on you if you already have a boyfriend or girlfriend back home. Or even a spouse. Just do it.

***

Ali and Crazy Eyes, new rug in tow, walk through an “almost magical” place for a romantic dinner. It’s a cistern, an underground reservoir for all the rainwater they’ve experienced so far. They sit on a platform in the middle of the water. Can’t wait to see a rat scurry by.

Crazy Eyes Frank wants to get down on his knee to ask someone to marry him once. The second time it’s got to be the girl who does it. He’s being very serious. Ali says the relationship with him scares her. As it should: Crazy Eyes wears a thumb ring. That’s creepy.

They kiss and Ali gives Crazy Eyes the puppydog eyes back like she’s totally and absolutely into him. She grabs the rose and tells him he blows her away. Blah. But Ali is, deep down, a big old nerd so it’s somewhat understandable. Someone had a great comment on the blog last week that she’d never choose Roberto because she sees him as too good for her. I totally see that. I think she feels she’s on equal footing with Crazy Eyes, or maybe even a bit better than him, so she can be confident he’d never leave her.

***

There will be no cocktail party this week. Why is that? There was no drama that’s still around. Six guys are left. Cape Cod Chris is wearing sneakers with his suit. Crazy Eyes Frank is looking so much more confident sitting there with that rose in his lapel. Somebody’s going home, but who?

Big Ears Ty is the other guy with the rose. I guess that means there are five other roses to hand out. But first Ali needs to talk with Chris. She tells him she’s had a connection with every guy but one so there’s no need for the party. Who’s the one guy? Ugly Craig, Mouldy Kirk, Cape Cod Chris or Roberto Clemente? I think Ugly Craig is a shoe-in. So Kirk, Chris or Roberto? Hmm. She had some sort of connection with all three of them earlier on. I honestly don’t have a clue. I’m hoping it’s Mouldy Kirk but I couldn’t tell you why. But maybe Chris since he forgot his dress shoes.

She doesn’t want to prolong the inevitable by having the guys think they need to make one last push at the party. The guys are flabbergasted there won’t be one. They’re in shock.

***

Once again, to recap, Crazy Eyes Frank and Big Ears Ty have already received roses. Three roses are left for four guys. Whoever gets sent home gets a real slap in the face since her mind was so made up that she forewent the free champagne. And the roses go to...

1. Roberto Clemente, Rico Suave
2. Cape Cod Chris, with his sneakers
3. Mouldy Kirk

Wowza. Can I pick ‘em or what? Ugly Craig was my new favourite. But I guess the physical attraction, or lack thereof, was too much to overcome. I forgot about her body language on their one-on-one time. She walks him out and he gives her a lawyerly talk. She thought the romance was missing between them because, as my wife said in Ali’s voice, “I’m a shallow bitch.” The missus also just said I shouldn’t call him Ugly Craig. So there you have it, Craig. You’ve got two fans for two different reasons. I promise I won't call him Ugly Craig again.

Craig is shocked. So am I.

Next up on the tour of places I want to visit is Lisbon, Portugal.

Coming up in the season: We see Ali meeting Crazy Eyes Frank’s and Roberto’s families. Thanks for the spoilers I’ve been trying to avoid all these weeks, producers. We see Ty in Tahiti, so we know he sticks around. Crazy Eyes Frank gives Ali the “We need to talk” line and Ali is a total wreck. One person we didn’t see in any of the clips was Cape Cod Chris so he’s probably a goner. And judging from all the tears, maybe she should have kept him around. That guy is solid. Well, as solid as a guy who has his mother’s autograph tattooed on his chest.

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? Or a reasonable facsimile? See you in seven sleeps.