Week 8: Mr. Brad says goodbye to Lady Death

Look at me! A non-post on the actual night of the actual telecast! So let's not waste any more time and get right to my random thoughts for the week:

* My first reaction to Emily calling our hero "Mr. Brad" was derision. But I grew to love it. I was talking the other day about how we all used to call our friends' parents Mr. or Mrs. Surname, or in some cases Uncle or Aunt So-and-So, and that we couldn't imagine kids calling us that now. But I want start that Mr./Mrs. First Name thing. And, in fact, from here on out it's Mr. Brad from me.

* Mr. Brad said about (or to) Chantal that he can't deal with an emotional roller coaster. Maybe he isn't ready to get married afterall.

* How rich is Chantal's family?! Holy crap. I thought they were walking up to a museum. They could film The Bachelor there. They even have a statue. Good lord. And why is it all rich women (here's looking at you, Mrs. Chantal's Mom) feel they need to get face lifts and Collagen? Yikes.

* I don't know what Chantal's dad does for a living, but he's a self-described "self-made man" and seems quite proud of that. When he asked Mr. Brad where he saw himself at the age of 45 or 50, Mr. Brad said happiness means family to him. This is the one time in the history of the franchise I thought that was the wrong answer. I got the impression Daddy Warbucks would be more impressed if Mr. Brad had a plan to be just as rich and successful on his own.

* Ashley gets points for introducing poutine to an American audience. But Mr. Brad couldn't have been serious when he said it looks delicious. Even though it's good, it looks like someone threw up on the fries.

* That had to be quite a culture shock going from the mansion in Seattle to the, er, modest home in Madawaska, Maine. That together with Ashley's sister, Lydia the Tattooed Lady, I thought for sure Ashley would be the one sent home.

* "She'll be a dentist." What the hell?! All season long the graphics have told us Ashley is a dentist. Why didn't it say "student"? This show is so full of it.

* Shawntel was my hands-down favourite, so in a way I'm kind of glad she got the boot. She's too good for Mr. Brad.

* Her tour of the crematory and funeral home gave Mr. Brad the creeps. How old is the guy? Mid-thirties and he says he's never even thought of death?

* Sweet Emily is pretty cool, too. "I made a new friend!" she told little Rickey. Boy, Mr. Brad is a real natural with kids, isn't he?... (Uh, no. The answer is no.)

* The robotic Mr. Brad was priceless when he told Emily, "I honestly don't think I could be happier right now" without a trace of a smile or twinkle in his eyes. Just the usual tight-lipped frown.

* When Mr. Brad was sitting down with Shawntel just before shoving her into the limo, he tried to soften the pain by saying, "I didn't feel like a man should feel when you tell him you love him. It's not your family; they were great." The women here will have to be the final judge, but I would have thought she'd rather it be her family's fault than the fact she just doesn't do it for him. Am I wrong?

* Upcoming highlights hint at trouble in South Africa. Oh, how I hope this train derails!

* Shawntel for Bachelorette! Get on it, producers!

Week 7: Rules are meant to be broken

Yeah, I know. Almost a week left, so why bother? It's really inexcusable. In my defense, we were on holidays and didn't get back until Wednesday. And the lack of comments from last week's effort didn't exactly inspire me to get something up quickly for my faithful. So it's on you! Whew. That was easy. I'm good at shirking responsibility. But this I do vow: I will get next week's non-post up no later than Tuesday or your money back. Guaranteed.

Now onto the few random thoughts I had:

* That Emily is a tough nut to crack. I think she means well, but her communication needs work. Brad is totally smitten. When he asked her what he wanted to do on their one-on-one date, she replied, "I really don't even care." Awesome.

* I thought it was poor form on his part to pressure Emily to meet little Ricky. They both agree it would be tough for him to get down on one knee in a couple of weeks if he hasn't met her daughter, but the show doesn't need to end with a proposal. But it's all moot anyway. My old bête noire, the upcoming highlights, tells us he meets the kid next week.

* If Shawntel doesn't win it all, she's got my vote for the next Bachelorette. She's got it all: beauty, brains, confidence, sex appeal, girl-next-door appeal. Her one knock is an unsightly tramp stamp, but at least it's a good match for Brad's ridiculous back ink.

* Britt exudes whatever the opposite of charisma is.

* For a food writer, Britt doesn't look like she eats much. Maybe she just chews it then spits it out. The girl's a rake.

* Brad was breaking all the rules. Reminded me of Charlie Manson telling Tom Snyder, "I don't break the laws; I make the laws." First off telling Emily she'd be getting a rose, then sending poor Britt home when she thought she was on a pressure-free roseless date. Good thing they just happened to have a little boat waiting for her to get the hell off the yacht.

* Loved the insincere condolence hug from Crazy Michelle 2.0 when Britt breaks the news to the gals at the house.

* Has anyone seen the Sports Illustrated swim suit edition that just came out? Did any of the shots from the three girls make it in, as promised? Two of the three women didn't have the prototypical swimsuit model bodies. Crazy Michelle 2.0 was the exception. But Ashley and Chantal were like Laurel and Hardy. At least they knew it and showed confidence in their bodies, which men always like. Ashley screamed "no boobs!" while Chantal said she was feeling like a "fatty" after pigging out the last couple of days. Uh, that couldn't be from a couple of days, could it?

* Ashley has the most unique forehead wrinkles I've ever seen.

* Chantal's a mess. Brad was completely right in foreseeing nothing but head-butting with Crazy Michelle 2.0, so he was right to send her home. But Chantal's waterworks are a problem. I foresee lots and lots of needless drama with Chantal.

* Did anyone else hear Chantal swear on prime time network TV? I played it back twice and it sure sounded like she said, "It's been quite shitty" as the ladies were all clinking glasses.

* As bad an actress as Crazy Michelle 2.0 was, I was happy to see her respond appropriately after Brad forsook the cocktail party just to send her home. He asked if he could have her hand as he walked her to the limo and she said, "Uh, probably not." Then she got in and that was the last we heard from Crazy Michelle 2.0. And hopefully the last we'll ever hear from her. Her fifteen minutes has officially run out.

Week 6: Bugging out

Finally got around to watching this week's installment of Fear Factor: Bachelor-Style. Forget Chris Harrison; Joe Rogan should host this thing. Without further ado, my random thoughts forthwith:

* Crazy Michelle 2.0 thinks Chantal is really aggressive, really over-confident and egotistical. As the great Mel Brooks as the 2000 Year Old Man once said, "We mock the things we are to be."

* The one-on-one date with Chantal is at the longest zip line in the world. I think they said it was half a mile, but that can't be right. Brad said he'd never zip-lined before. Does anyone remember what he did on his dates the first time through? He had never rappelled down the side of a building before, either. Was he on before the advent of fear-based dating? Did he go on actual real-life dates?

* I know it never rains in southern California. Is that true for Austin, Texas, too? Brad sure seems helpless with a little bit of precipitation. It started to pour at the zip line and he was practically beside himself: "I don't know what to do now." Then later he expressed the same near-panic at the wet stuff (I forget when and my chicken scratchings don't show it). I was kind of hoping for rain when he and Alli set out on the ponies.

* After getting all wet on his date with Chantal, they go to the only dry place they can find – a bedroom. And of course Chantal has to get out of her wet clothes. It's odd that every other date in the history of the show has the contestants bringing along several changes of clothing, but not this time. Poor Chantal is forced to don Brad's oversize work shirt. She was ready for the Fantasy Suite™ in record time.

* On the group date, the girls rappelled down a cliff beside a waterfall. Crazy Michelle 2.0 was pissed because she and Brad made a pact never to rappel down anything with anybody else. Or so that's how she interpreted it in her crazy stalker-like mind.

* Brad says, marveling at how well the women did, "I put these women to the test." Yeah, why is that? Why do dates need to be physically challenged to prove their worthiness?

* In conversation, sweet Emily tells Brad she's "starting to like" him. Oh, that's good. But don't hurry your pretty little self. Take your time.

* When Emily says she often finds herself sabotaging relationships, Brad is taken aback: "It makes me worried I may get hurt." Ha! Wouldn't that suck, Brad? I mean, who'd want to be hurt on national TV like that? That would like, oh, I don't know, leading two women on then picking neither of them. I mean, that's just a crazy example off the top of my head. Nobody would be that big a jerk.

* I called it. To myself, that is. As soon as he took off with Alli on their one-on-one date, I said she wouldn't get the rose.

* They go into a cave filled with spiders and bats (Alli, coincidentally, is terrified of bugs and isn't too fond of bats, either, for that matter). Brad says the cave is 40 million years old. That sound you heard was all the TVs shutting off in the red states.

* They show some forced small talk between Brad and Alli. But what did you expect? It was their first one-on-one date so of course she's going to be in the getting-to-know-him stage. Unfair, I say.

* Interesting editing. While they're sitting chatting about nothing in the cave, Brad's voice-over tells us his reservations about Alli, how he doesn't know if he can see her at the altar. Cut-to: dinner conversation. Alli tells Brad she broke up with her most serious boyfriend because she couldn't see herself at the altar with him. Obviously, Brad's voice-over came after the conversation. So it looks as if Alli supplied Brad with the out. She was the author of her own demise.

* After Crazy Michelle 2.0 is confronted by Brad, saying he doesn't like the direction they're heading, she brings on the tears. It's the first sign of fake vulnerability from the future D-list actress. All she can offer is, "I know I'm supposed to be here." And of course she knows. It says so right in her contract. The producers won't let Brad send her home. So instead poor Jackie is sent packing. Even though it should have been Crazy Michelle 2.0, he probably made the right choice because Jackie was unlike any of the other girls. Or, really, unlike any of the other girls in the history of the franchise. She just didn't belong.

* I think Britt must be the furthest along (final six) of any anonymous contestant in Bachelor history. Usually by this point, we know each of the women pretty well. But I'm not sure I'd recognize Britt if she knocked on my door right now.

* I loved the reaction they gave when Brad said they'd be going to Anguilla. "Oh my God!", they shrieked. Like they'd ever heard of it before.

That's it. Gotta run. Someone's at the door.