Bachelor Ben: Going with the Flow

I realize blogging about The Bachelor 24 hours later than usual is akin to commenting on Janet Jackson's nipple slip in 2012 but I'm in it this far, I may as well continue for the two or three people who might stumble across here on a Google search for, say, "Janet Jackson's nipple slip."

Warning, though, this is not about JJ's areola (although I'm not above trying to direct some much-needed traffic to my late post). But there were nipples in this episode, if you believe the editors who felt the need to place a large black box over Courtney & Her Eyebrow's chest for a good portion of the show. But we'll get to that.

I apologize for being tardy two weeks in a row. But I was laid out sick on Monday and couldn't even watch the show. And as I sit here now with blanket over lap, hacking up a lung, you'll hopefully be more generous than Courtney & Her Eyebrows and forgive me.

This week, the gang was in Panama City. Everyone (and I must include my own ignorant self here) was a little surprised to find PC so metropolitan. And so gender equal. I've seen plenty of phallic looking buildings in cities all over the world, but never a pudenda shaped one, which is where the ladies were staying.

Off the top Ben stated, "There are some women here I can see myself with for the rest of my life." The word I zoned in on was "some." If this is anything more than a game to Ben (and let's not kid ourselves, it isn't), he should send those other ones home. There is a precedence on this show for calling audibles. The Bachelor/ette can request more go or stay. Why keep around those you can't see yourself with?

The first one-on-one went to Kacie B. She played the Mary Ann to Ben's Gilligan for one scary half-day on a deserted isle. Ben said, "Today we really need to be there for each other. If we can accomplish something like this together, I feel like we could probably do anything." Kacie said, "Today has really made our relationship grow. We're helping each other, we're providing for each other. We can make it on our own." Totally. Before you go making fun of them, keep in mind they were stuck on that godforsaken tropical island until almost sundown!

Okay, it's ridiculous. If they were on that island for one whole week... I'd still scoff at it. But half a day?

My favourite moment on the island was when they "caught" a fish. My best guess is that a segment producer dropped a store-bought fish into the drink when they weren't looking and they were too impressed with their accomplishment to notice the limp fish in their net was already dead.

But the sage Ben did offer the rest of us some words of wisdom: "Relationships are all about overcoming obstacles and overcoming fears together and overcoming hurdles." Says the man batting a clean .000 in relationships. That's like hiring Mario Mendoza to be your hitting coach.

It was after the life-defining island adventure that Ben uttered his first of three "going with the flow" references. He raved about how Kacie just goes with the flow. That's what he's looking for in a woman. Fair enough. And Kacie does seem cool and chill. But the number of contestants over the course of this series' history who caused trouble on a one-on-one date has been equal to the number of successful relationships Ben has had: Zip. They're all on their best behaviour when a rose is on the line.

At dinner, Kacie opened up about why she doesn't relate to young people so much. And that's because in high school she suffered from an eating disorder. Two, in fact. She was bulimic and anorexic. I'm sure she liked having to share that with the whole world, but hey, Ben wants these women to divulge their deepest, darkest secrets before he sends them home.

He won't send Kacie home just yet, though. He rosed her. I wasn't so sure judging by the look on his face as she was revealing all this. When she said, "It's something I don't talk a lot about. You made it easier," he sat there stone-faced – or shell-shocked – and robotically replied, "Good. I'm glad."

Incidentally, she didn't touch a thing on her plate. Check the tape. I'm not making that up!

The group date was next and we were introduced to a woman who just joined the group: Jamie. The name rang a bell but I swear I'd never seen or heard her before. And by the time this episode was over, I'm betting she wishes the editors had left her out completely. But we'll get to that.

No need for a black box here.

Ben took the gals to get a make-over in a local tribal village. We saw one of the tribal women instructing Casey S. to take off her bikini top. She didn't. Nor didn't anyone else. Except, of course, Courtney & Her Eyebrows. And to her credit, too. She called everyone else prudes and she nailed it. It's tribal custom, ladies. Go with the flow, already. It's not as if the viewers would see anything beneath that giant black rectangle.

One funny part was when she told Ben her room number, and we saw her putting make-up on that night and sitting up for him. He never showed. Does he deserve a bit more respect now?

Side note: Since when do the ladies get private accommodation? I thought they always had roommates. Maybe Courtney & Her Eyebrows count as two people.

Also at the evening portion of the date, the new girl Jamie tried to get to know Ben a bit better. While working up to a kiss by droning on and on, Courtney & Her Eyebrows disrobed behind them into a stunning white bikini and pranced around, precluding a kiss on two fronts: Jamie wasn't about to let loose with the vixen putting on a show right there, and Ben couldn't pay attention to a single thing Jamie was saying. Just as well, as it turns out. But we'll get to that.

Emily was next to talk to Ben (although in real time I'm sure she was first as Courtney & Her Eyebrows was sitting there dressed and dry when Emily got up). She cracked a joke about having a crush on the tribal chief and Ben was disarmed. Then he asked her if she was past her obsessing over the crazed Courtney & Her Eyebrows. Emily hemmed and hawed and Ben bought it. And being the smart cookie that she is, she bought it, herself. So she went back to the group and publicly apologized. It seemed sincere, not one of those fake apologies. And Courtney & Her Eyebrows sucked her in for a second: "I appreciate you acknowledging it and being direct with me because I respect that." Pause for full effect. Then: "And I had lost all respect for you, I'm not gonna lie," said with her usual assortment of shoulder and nose twitches and pulling her lips to one side of her face so that the momentum yanks her whole head in that direction and other Shirley Temple-like faces.

Throughout it, Emily stayed classy, saying, "I totally respect you and what you're saying." Courtney & Her Eyebrows shot back, "But if you did, you wouldn't have treated me that way," and gulped another big gulp of red wine.

But Courtney & Her Eyebrows didn't get the rose, despite all her advances. Ben actually toasted "going with the flow" then proceeded to hand the rose to Lindzi. He told her he liked her easy-going manner, saying she seems like she's not the drama type, which he likes. Great. Now reconcile that his interest in Courtney & Her Eyebrows. No drama? Easy going? My guess is that she is going with the flow's antonym.

The dreaded 2-on-1 date was between the transformed Blakely and the dull Rachel. Blakely, showing us the colours we saw early on before the transformation to angelic, reverted to form, bragging about how she was going to get the rose. She was totally pumped while the more realistic Rachel was fretting, knowing one of them would be sent home.

After salsa dancing, Rachel and Ben sat down to talk and it was the best she's been. Her talk was genuine and perfect and she even came across as sexy for the first time. Blakely, however, came across as desperate, whipping out the arts and crafts booklet the props department whipped up for her to illustrate to Ben the state of her mental unbalance. "I don't what to lose you before you even get to know me," she said. That sealed it. He got to know her, then he lost her. Rachel got the rose.

Do you ever wonder just how many piercings Rachel has judging by the visible ones? She can't fit a Q-tip in her right ear and she can't fit a finger up her lest nostril.

Back at the Hotel Pudenda, Chris Harrison takes Casey S. aside to confront her about rumours he's heard from three separate sources back in the U.S. that she has a boyfriend. She denies it, but admits she still loves the guy. Sounds bad, right? But not really. She said the guy would never get married and that's something she won't compromise on. She wants to get married. So to help wean herself away from the guy, she needs some help from the Bachelor. I totally see her point. Yet Ben was having none of it. He told her he wished she had told him earlier, but only so that he could have sent her home earlier. Not that she stood a chance with him anyway, but it was a poor reason for sending her home and making her scrunch up her face like that on national television.

Ben came back to the women and said he wants them all to know they can be honest with him. But if they are, he will send their ass home stat.

At the final cocktail party, new girl Jamie realized she's a big prude who was lagging behind the others, so she went all-in. "I need to show him I'm sexy and I'm a woman," she said. So she sat him down and said that while lying in bed she thinks about the things she'd like to do with him. At which point she stands up, straddles Ben while wearing a mini-mini skirt, and starts to kiss him. So far so good. She should have stopped right there. Always leave them wanting more is the old show biz axiom. And bottom line, The Bachelor is show biz, let's try to remember. But she started laughing while kissing. Ben is intrigued, and a little bit horny, so he gives her another chance for a non-laughing kiss.

And then it all goes bad. Terribly bad. Jamie starts to lay down the rules: First, they should start with the lips closed, then one of them opens their mouth, leading to the culmination where they're both kissing with open mouths. See how that works? It's good to make sure you're both on the same page before you venture into something so foreign. That's just going with the flow! It doesn't ruin the mood at all. She's sexy and she's a woman. She knows these things.

Needless to say, the new girl Jamie didn't get a rose. In the tearful limo ride she chalked it up to being too late to open up to Ben rather than the clumsy play-by-play of the kiss. She was so close to escaping this series without notice. Now she'll never live down the most awkward come-on in Bachelor history.

We're down to the final six: Kacie, Lindzi, Rachel, Nicki, Courtney & Her Eyebrows, and Emily. Now that she's in it this far, I absolutely want to see Courtney & Her Eyebrows' family. Are they all crazy or is she the lone nut?

Bachelor Ben: Model behaviour

Better late than later. I finally got around to watching this week's episode and wasn't it a doozy? Courtney was the focal point, as per her plan going into this thing, Blakely continues her magical transformation from vixen to virgin, Nicki's adenoids were acting up, Elyse pulled out all the stops, and Emily turned over an old leaf.

This week found the gang in Puerto Rico. I've never understood territories, either in Canada or the US. Why isn't the Yukon a province yet it's represented in the House of Commons? Wikipedia tells me that Puerto Rico's head of state is the President of the United States. It's so confusing. When what's-his-face tells everyone if they don't get the rose on a one-on-one date, they're going to get on a plane and go back to the United States, I'm left scratching my head. If it walks like a state and passes laws like a state, it must be a state, right? Its flag is the star and stripes, for crying out loud! Aw, forget about it. We've got bigger fish to fry here.

Nicki got the first one-on-one date. Setting herself up as either a free spirit or colourblind, she wears bright yellow fingernail polish and red toenail polish. But it works. Ben was quite annoying on this date, constantly trying to show off his knowledge and abilities. He speaks full Spanish to the street vendor, throws in the odd word in casual conversation ("It's raining gatos"), and while overhearing some neighbouring wedding music tells Nicki they're playing Pachelbel's Canon. Only I can't be certain he pronounced it right. I replayed it a couple times and it sounded like "Papa Bell's Cannon." I know he's a baseball fan and James Bell had quite the arm from centre field, but did it sound like music?

Ben said he liked Nicki's flexibility. It's a real turn-on, he admitted. Hey, who wouldn't? But it's not what you think. While out walking, the skies opened up and they were drenched. She just carried right on as if... well, as if she was trying to impress the guy she was dating while millions watched and judged at home. Yeah, she's so easy-going.

While getting to know each other, the jaded divorcée said she was all for living together. We have no idea if Ben believes in shacking up before marriage because he doesn't say. Afterall, this date – nay, this season – isn't about Ben opening up; it's about his women opening up. He can remain aloof and mysterious. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's okay with it.

It was at this point I noticed how nasal her voice is. Maybe that explained her red nose, though.

Nicki explains her breakup and makes it all so understandable. Afterall, she and her ex were just two different people than they were when they first got married ... almost three whole years before. A person changes in almost three years. It's a proven fact. That's good enough for simple Ben. He roses her right then and there. (I'm lobbying the OED to include 'rose' as a verb.)

What the hell is up with Blakely's transformation? The girls back at the house are sitting around wondering who will get the only other one-on-one date and Elyse tells her point blank she doesn't deserve another date, setting up a classic cat fight that should represent a 3-episode arc, but Blakely rolls with it good-naturedly. Bring back Bad Blakely!

As it turns out, Blakely doesn't get the one-on-one (it goes to Elyse), but she and everyone else get a group date. They don their sports gear and head to Roberto Clemente Stadium, named for a famous baseball player whose name escapes me. Maybe Papa Bell. When Blakely tells us she's psyched, it's a prime opportunity for Bad Blakely to make an appearance. She says it's the perfect date for her: she played in high school and college (who knew bartending colleges fielded teams?). "I'm super-athletic," she bragged, reminding one of a cocky Vienna before she failed miserably at whatever it was she was supposed to be awesome at. But guess what? Blakely really was good.

But there was still hope for the reemergence of Bad Blakely. They were given uniforms for their big match against each other (red vs blue) and Blakely was the only one who turned hers into a little half-shirt. Because that's what super-athletes wear. Let's go, Bad Blakely! You can do it! Courtney had the line of the night, marvelling at Blakely's abilities: "Who knew strippers could play baseball?"

And then, after Jennifer struck out and Blakely's team lost 10-9 in extra innings, Bad Blakely chastised her distraught teammates: "I wanted this so bad. I busted my ass out there because I thought I was hoping you guys wanted it just as bad." Oh, such potential and nothing. Or nada, as Ben would say.

(Incidentally, on that last strikeout, the catcher dropped the ball and didn't tag Jennifer so she technically wasn't out. Except I guess she did go off the baseline when she moped off the field.)

And when the requisite helicopter landed on the field to whisk the champs off to a beach, Bad Blakely said through tears, "I hope you guys throw up!" But that's was it. Bad Blakely made her exit there and didn't return. Such wasted potential. The editors are asleep at the wheel.

So the six sweaty and unshowered bodies hopped on board the cozy confines of a helicopter while the four losers took a beaten up bus back to the hotel. Those sleepy editors then had Courtney saying that team blue was a bunch of crybabies crying all the way home on the bus. How did she know?

Courtney kept up her play-by-play all episode, too. At this point she said the innocuous Lindzi has an annoying personality and the anonymous Jamie was a "hot mess." Why bother?

Ben gave the rose to the terminally cute Kacie B. Good choice, I think. No skin off Courtney's ass. She took the opportunity to molest Ben. "I need affection," is what she said, along with "You gotta do what you gotta do." Yup, she's gotta have it. Please, baby, please, baby, baby, baby, please (name that movie). She mentioned skinny-dipping here but didn't follow through. It would be foreshadowing if we hadn't seen the upcoming clip a hundred times in previous weeks.

Elyse, though, provided the real foreshadowing. Even before her one-on-one date, when the girls are usually upbeat and optimistic, she tearfully pre-grieved, "I'll be really upset if I go home tonight." It was precisely at that point I knew she'd be going home that night.

And guess what? She went home that night. Even Courtney knew it, who presciently said: "I might not be seeing her later. I hope I got her number. I could use a personal trainer."

While on a yacht, Elyse gets Ben's hopes up by saying, "Let's just screw everyone else." Uh, I think that's his plan. But Elyse meant something different. She playfully suggested the two of them get married right there. Guys dig it when chicks mention marriage on the first date.

Can you believe Ben could be so callous after all Elyse gave up to be there? She gave her job! She missed her best friend's wedding! That Ben is a total jerk. But Elyse really did herself in. It was funny watching her stumble around trying to figure out what Ben wanted to hear. "I've accomplished everything I ever wanted... er, I mean, I'm sick of being single... er, I mean..." Too late. No rose for you!

I don't remember but do they always pick up the rose on those one-on-one dates when they're about to dump the person? I'm sure he was told to, but it was a bit callous. Elyse's eyes lit up before the realization hit her. Then she couldn't figure out what she did wrong. Ben didn't have the heart to tell her, but the honest truth is she just didn't pick the right profession. If only she had been a model.

They really milked the aftermath of that breakup, I thought. They showed her crying in a boat while a barefoot Ben traipsed along the shore looking depressed while sappy music played as if he or the show or the viewers had invested anything in Elyse.

Back at the hotel, the driver just barged into the room to pick up Elyse's luggage. I think he was hoping to sneak a peak. Why not a knock? They knock for the date card, for crying out loud. When the ladies find out Elyse is a goner, catty Courtney said, "Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey shore came out." Oh, and, "Another one bites the dust." Oh, and, "That blew my panties off."

And with her panties metaphorically off, she hatches a plan: "I don't know if he's ever skinny-dipped with a model before."

You know that phenomenon where someone not all that good-looking becomes increasingly better looking the more you get to know them? That works in reverse, too. And Courtney is looking pretty ugly these days.

Continuing with her string of ghost-written bon mots, Courtney says, "I hope I'm a sight for sore eyes. Because after the date with Elyse his eyes are probably pretty sore."

So she and Ben head out to the beach, strip down buck naked and we watch their pixilated tushies walk out to sea, where they embrace. That's right, naughty bits on naughty bits. Later the robotic Ben understates it a tad: "Courtney and I shared a very intimate moment."

"Recalculating: Our conversations are easy."

At the cocktail party, Jennifer spends some alone time with Ben. I like the way her tongue goes to the back of her top front teeth when she smiles that crooked smile of hers. It's cute. She was totally relaxed and natural with Ben, saying, "I like you a lot. You're so easy to talk to and fun." I thought for a moment they had something going, but his reply gave me pause. Speaking like the voice on my GPS, he said, "Yeah. Our conversations are easy." What did I miss? Why the cold shoulder?

A young Ben

Blakely Robinson gets ready for her date.

The Good Blakely had some-
thing impor-
tant to share with Ben. She's had an epiphany: she's always wanted to find love, which is why she's 33 and single (I thought she was 34, but let's not quibble). She reveals that every day she writes down something about him that she likes. And Ben was taken with this nonsense. He said he did a complete 180 on his feelings toward her. They kissed and looked like a very odd couple indeed. She could be Mrs. Robinson and he looked like one of the Little Rascals.

Emily took the opportunity to take Ben down to the beach to apologize for ratting out one of the girls last week. She wishes she had never said anything and from now on she's going to just focus on Ben. Oh, and that she stands by what she said and that Courtney's a "weirdo" and is showing him a different side of herself. The word "deception" was used. But other than that, the focus is 100 percent Ben. Got it?

Ben gave her a stern talking to, warning her to "tread lightly".

Whew, boy, Emily thinks she just may have made a big mistake. Again. "I think he hates me," she cried. She confides in Lindzi that she's starting to worry. Lindzi comforts her, saying, "It's not over. The producers still pick who gets to stay."

Okay, she didn't say the last sentence, but we all know it's true.

Sure enough, Emily's with us for at least another week.

I thought I'd add a new wrinkle and give my odds on who gets the final rose in percentage points. I have no idea how to calculate odds, so I'll just make sure everything adds up to 100. You get the drift.

With Nasal Nicki (10%) and Kute Kacie (30%) already rosed, seven more join them and one is sent home. In order, here's who he selected:

1. Lindzi (snowball's chance in hell)
2. Jamie (incomplete since I don't even know who she is)
3. Rachel (less than zero)
4. Courtney (30%)
5. Casey S (zero)
6. Blakely (20%)
7. Emily (10%)

Unbelievably, Jennifer was sent home ahead of Jamie and Casey, who have been phantoms. Hell, I'd have kept her over the nice but boring Lindzi and Rachel, too. What gives? Anyone notice anything I missed? Although, when I saw the final blooper scene they always show at the end, and it was Ben and Nicki taking a warm chocolate bath complete with whipping cream, it really drove home the point that we don't see a helluva lot. I would have thought that would have been a significant scene to show. It was playful and semi-intimate. It tells me a lot about how those two see each other. So maybe there were scenes that would have shown Ben's feelings for Jennifer that were left on the editing room floor.

Jennifer was a wreck. "I just don't get it," she bawled. Neither do we, honey, neither do we. Oh, and she's not nearly as cute with her face scrunched up.

Speaking of the editing room floor, I wonder how many copies they made of the raw skinny-dipping footage? And if some disgruntled employee will release it one day. Just putting that out there.

Patience...

... is a virtue, my dear readers. And you're all virtuous sorts so I know you'll forgive my tardiness with this week's episode. I haven't even watched it yet and won't have time to get my thoughts down until at least Tuesday night. So look for it on Wednesday. Or any time after that. By that time, you'll have forgotten all about what transpired and will want a refresher.

Sorry. It won't happen again*.



* Unless it does.