Bachelor Ben: Fantasyland

Late again. What can I say? The dog ate my computer... No? The truth of the matter, though, is that Mondays suck. I know it's a Bachelor tradition, but it's just about the worst day of the week for me to watch and write. But I must soldier on. Only a couple more weeks until... When does Emily's season start? When does the Canadian version start? What about Bachelor Pad?

So by now we all know Bachelor Ben did all the fake soul-searching he could muster before keeping Courtney. But let's take things in order, as usual, shall we?

This week was the famous fantasy suite dates episode. It's fitting because Ben resides in Fantasyland where he spends his days peeling grapes for models.

What's the shag percentage on these very special overnights, by the way? Any guesses? We all tend to be voyeurs and cynics so we assume they always do the nasty. Yes, the acceptance rate of the invitation card is 100% or very close to it, but what do you think the consummation rate is? By not telling us, the show leaves it up to our imagination, knowing that we'll conclude they were all getting to know each other Biblically. I just don't know, though. That's how Pollyannaish I am. I bet there are lots of instances where they just cuddle or kiss and pass out before the alcohol interrupts the coitus. But we'll never know, I suppose. But of the three delicate flowers that eagerly entered Ben's den – Courtney, Lindzi and Nicki – I'm pretty confident they all woke up in an unflowered state.

This week they were in Switzerland. Today I met a young Swiss nurse. I told her about the show and how they were in Interlaken. She turned up her nose and said it was an ugly part of the country. Which might explain why Interlaken Tourism paid for the show to go there. But it might also explain just how gorgeous that place is. If that's the dump of Switzerland, we're all in the wrong country. Geez, even Swiss Air looked fantastic. I've heard it's a bit on the pricey side but I see why. I've gotta assume Ben was flying first class, but still. Maybe their coach section is the Interlaken of Swiss Air: shitty, but in comparison to other coach sections it's heavenly.

Loved Ben's suitcase, didn't you? He's off to Europe for a couple of weeks and it looks like he could fit a couple pairs of underwear and some socks in the thing. Maybe a dorky bow-tie, but that's about it.

Nicki, the divorcée got the first date. Spoiler alert: She was also sent home. So let's try to figure out why. Was it because she's divorced? Probably not, but the other two have never been married. Of the three remaining, she was the most cherubic so it could have been a body-type preference. She said she's always wanted two kids while Ben says he's always wanted four. He never really told us so we're left to guess. Maybe he didn't like the cut of her cleavage – her girls were on full display in a little window between scarf and top. Or maybe he didn't like her performance in the boudoir. Afterall, he said you can find out a lot about a person from those "alone times". He told us she "exudes confidence" so maybe he likes a more docile bunk-mate.

Their date started off with the requisite helicopter ride. But this one was unlike any other helicopter ride in Bachelor history. The drunken pilot screamed down the side of a glacier headfirst. We didn't see their reactions inside because I'm guessing the cameraman was screaming like a baby and holding on for dear life, but maybe it was in the cab of the 'copter where he lost it for her. Who knows? It's just a shame she was sent home while Lady C lasted one more week.

I always love the look the contestants give when the Bachelor/ette whips out the fantasy suite card. Nicki opted for the what-on-earth-could-this-be? look despite the card and exact wording being a fixture on this series since I was in diapers.

Lindzi got the second date. Remember how non-terrified the supposedly terrified-of-heights Lindzi was standing outside an airborne helicopter before jumping into the ocean? Right. Well, this week she was even more non-terrified as she smiled rappelling all the way down a 300-foot rock cliff. It was so non-terrifying that Ben invoked his late father with a couple of "Oh my Dad"'s.

It was here that Lindzi also brought back the child in all of us when she said, "I think I'm a-scared to tell Ben that I love him." Is that not adorable? I thought she slipped up when she referred to herself as the Ice Queen to Ben but it really made no difference because Ben isn't keeping her around anyway. He just needed one more warm body, even if it is an Ice Queen, so they can have a final show.

At night, Ben breaks out his ultra-cool Irving R. Levine look. Nothing but the best for this also-ran. But they made a good couple as Lindzi clearly forgot to pack her hair conditioner for the cold dry climate. Still, she and her split ends soldiered on. Ben marvelled at how open she's been all the while keeping his emotional cards close to his bow tie.

When it came time for the card, Lindzi opted for the I'm-not-usually-this-type-of-girl gambit, saying, "Normally I don't just go spend the night with anyone, but this is national TV and I've known you for the equivalent of three days already and shared you with dozens of other women, so of course I'd love to." Or words to that effect.

Interestingly, Ben used the L-word a lot with Lindzi. And no, not 'Lindzi' or 'lesbian'. He actually said he loved her. Oh, don't get me wrong, he didn't tell her, naturally – that'd just make the inevitable so much more difficult – but he told the camera on a few different occasions, even saying he can see him with her for the rest of his life. Of course the phrase "rest of my life" in Bachelorese is equivalent to the expiration of his contract or the start of casting for Bachelor Pad, whichever comes first.

Last but certainly least was Courtney. Ben told us he had serious feelings for her but also had concerns about how she's treated the other women. My own concerns are concerning Ben: Why now? He was warned by a record number of participants yet felt he only had to pay lip service to the warnings at this stage of the game? Oh, Ben, you're so transparent.

I'm positive Courtney's management team was informed of their client's disastrous showing to date and told her to get her act together for the final stretch. The difference in her interview segments the last week or two compared to the first three quarters of the season is startling. Or maybe (cheap shot alert) it's the drugs wearing off (models have been known to partake of certain activities and Ms. C's actions and body movements don't exactly belie that fact). Had she comported herself like this all along she might have been America's Sweetheart. As it is, no amount of unmelted butter in her mouth will save her reputation now.

Even her pre-emptive strike to Ben, cutting his questions off at the pass, was shallow and deceptive. Her tone was apologetic and conciliatory but her words were still as unaccepting of responsibility as your typical sociopath: "I tried really hard to be nice with them," she said about the women she shit on all season long. "I'd say something and they'd jump on me." She even said, "This brought out the worst in me," which implies that it's in her to begin with. But Ben couldn't concentrate. His mind was on the fantasy suite so all he could do was get the gist of her message through her tone and that weird trying-too-hard-to-be-cute side lip scrunch thing she does.

Ben says he's concerned because he has lots of women friends and Courtney has admitted she doesn't. Is this going to be a problem? No surprise, Courtney didn't answer. Or, rather, she did the old Tibetan Gadrii nombor shulen jongu: she gave a green answer to a blue question. She'd make a great politician, that one. Or at least she could play the role of Sarah Palin in a biopic.

Ben was caught in her headlights. He marvelled, "Just to hear you say you acknowledge this means I know it must be true because nobody would ever spew empty words just to prolong their prime-time TV exposure." Or words to that effect.

They quickly put that bit of business to rest and rushed off to a rustic ground-level cabin with no curtains on its many windows passing as the fantasy suite. It didn't really matter what the place looked like. There was much copulating to do before sun-up.

We were then treated with a sneak peak of Miss Emily's upcoming quest for love. She might have uttered six words during the whole thing. This is going to be a riveting season, I can tell.

Back in Switzerland, you'll never believe who happened to be vacationing there after leaving the show: Kacie! Maybe there was a baton-twirling competition in Interlaken. So while in town, she dropped in on Ben, who was as astonished as the girls were at getting the fantasy suite card. Because nobody ever returns to the show this late in the season, am I right? It's unheard of! But there she was, looking as cute as ever, if a little jet-lagged. She just wanted some answers because she didn't see it coming at all. Ben explained to her they were just worlds apart and came from different backgrounds and didn't see her in the end. What else is he going to say? That he's not attracted to little boys? Kacie hinted that she thought it might be because of her parents' views on shacking up, but insisted that she makes up her own mind. Ben was having none of it, though, even as she held his hand and rubbed it with her thumb.

I think Kacie would have made a much better Bachelorette than Emily will make. Emily was always a reluctant participant. Her heart's not in it. But Kacie would be a live-wire and her parents would disown her. It would be so great.

Next, she tried once again to steer Ben clear of Courtney, warning him he'll get his heart broken. Not sure why she doesn't support this. If she plays her cards right, she can have him in 4 to 6 months after they flame out. Kacie can faux-innocently send a text offering her condolensces and coyly suggesting they meet up for a coffee. Presto, rebound sex followed by more dating and an eventual off-air real-life proposal. But no, she had to drop her pants this early in the proceedings. Rookie.

Ben pretended to be confused by Kacie's dire warnings. He reached deep down to his psyche and asked, "Do I really like this person [Courtney] or am I being played?" The answer came back: "She's a model, dummy. You know what to do."

Chris Harrison asked Ben if he wanted Kacie in the rose ceremony even though there was no hint of this happening before. Ben said no. But why not? Put her in, then don't give her a rose again. She flew all that way for nothing. Throw her a bone. You know she'll catch it, spin it in the air, then catch it again while doing the splits. That's worth a chuckle.

Ben said this rose ceremony was up in the air. He wouldn't make any decisions until the last minute. He didn't define 'last minute' but the sense I got was it would be when he was standing out there staring them down. And Courtney's eyebrows got to him. When the first rose went to Lindzi, I knew it was over for Nicki. And so it was. Courtney got the second and last rose. On the way out to the limo, Nicki said, "I hope you're making the right decision," to which Ben replied, "Believe me, I do, too." Not, "Believe me, I am." Ben's brain knows he's doing the impractical thing, but his libido is leading him to bacchanalian delight and ultimate heartbreak. But at least there's always the Bachelor Pad to help pick up the pieces.

Next week is the (hopefully) entertaining reunion episode. For that reason alone I wish he would have sent Courtney home. Courtney vs the horde would have been wonderfully irresistible. Alas, it's not to be. At least we can look forward to two weeks hence for "the most controversial season ending" in Bachelor history!

Bachelor Ben: What the #%*@ happened?!

Well, well, well... What do we make of that? The black widow continues to mesmerize Ben, but were you lured into her web with her new and improved image? I certainly wasn't. She has so perfected the art of snark that any attempts at sincerity seem like nothing more than a last-ditch effort at damage control from her publicity team. Or was I just sucked into the season-long "bad edit" she received from the editors? My spidey senses tell me I'm right. Like a true spider, she gives me the creeps.

But first things first. We'll get to her in due time. The first hometown date went to hippophile Lindzi, who visited her similarly horse-loving parents in Florida. Lindzi's folks, according to her mom, kept their only child away from boys growing up so she hasn't had a lot of experience dating. The one guy she brought home to meet the parents dumped her. It was an "end-of-world heartbreak" for the naif. But this time... oh, this time, is different. She hopes Ben is the last guy she brings home because, obviously, she's never seen the show before or read anything about it. She really must have been sheltered, not only from dating but from anything dating-related. How would she not know that this series ain't exactly got a good track record, marriage-wise? Even if she gets the final rose, I'll go out on a limb and predict the concept of forever will remain just that: a concept.

Lindzi greets Ben on a horse. Ben acts like this is a first. He sounds surprised when he says, "You look good on this thing." Uh, Ben, I know it was probably three weeks ago now, but remember that first night when you met the women? Think back. One of them entered on horseback. That was Lindzi. Okay, granted it was another horse. I'll give you that. Maybe that's what you meant.

Another clue Lindzi has never seen the show before is the way she over-pronounces "important". She's the first contestant in the history of the franchise to acknowledge in any way the presence of the first 't'.

Lindzi introduces Ben to her folks as "my boyfriend" and Ben immediately checks out. Until he quickly falls for her dad. I think Ben may be more interested in a new father figure than he is in a wife. When Lindzi tells her parents Ben is from Sonoma, pop creepily says, "I knew that" and Ben is smitten. When the parents mention they were married at San Francisco City Hall, where Ben and Lindzi had their first date, it sends shivers up Ben's spine. When daddy proposes a carriage race, Ben graciously lets them win and pulls their carriage back to the house like an indentured servant.

I got a bit of chill when I thought Lindzi's dad said, "You're a nice young man and you're a good race, too," but thank heaven for PVRs, which allowed me to rewind and hear he said "racer".

I lost count of the number of times Lindzi used the word 'future' in connection with Ben. Suffice it say, this might be a recipe for another end-of-world heartbreak. But really, isn't that what this show is all about? We get one giddily happy winner and probably 15 inconsolable losers every season. Do we watch for the true and lasting love that never materializes or the emotional trauma inherent in the show's very format? I think we think we watch for the former but deep down we know it's the latter. It's tragicomedy at its finest.

Next up was a visit to Tennessee to visit Kacie's family in the Bible Belt. Ben was met at a football field with a full-on marching band. Bringing up the rear was Kacie proudly showing off her baton-twirling mad skillz. Somewhat sadly I didn't detect any sense of irony, camp or embarrassment from her. My fondness for the Kute one refuses to allow me to fully believe this was her idea. I'm certain the evil producers came up with it to sabotage her chances. But c'mon, Ben, you gotta at least admit it's kinda weird. And you like weird chicks.

After her performance, she explains to Ben the significance of the field, named for her grandfather, a beloved figure in the community. In fact, when he died, his grandmother said she wouldn't last until the end of the year. And she turned out to have been prophetic. Crazily, Kacie said this is what she wants, too. I mean, it sounds romantic in theory, but its practical application is fraught with ghoulish possibilities.

So those two red flags were going against her when Ben went to meet her tea-totalling father, the federal probation officer. Ben was so spooked, being a vintner, that he presented the parents with only one bottle of wine when he arrived. But he's no cad – he and Kacie drank it themselves, not forcing it on anyone else.

Maybe I'm an old codger, but I thought Kacie's dad was right on target. Seemed like a decent and reasonable chap. You could see the teenaged girl in the 24-year-old as she fought back at really nothing. Her father was just saying not to rush into anything. Okay, yes, both her mom (who looked 30 years younger than her husband) and her dad said they didn't want Kacie living with Ben before marriage, which shows a bit of inflexibility, but they didn't seem like iron-fisted jerks about it. Kacie felt like they were questioning her judgment. The nerve!

You could tell Kacie's sister was still under their spell. She hadn't yet tasted freedom so when Kacie told her, "That's my future husband. Dead serious," her sister sat there gobsmacked ready to whisk Kacie away to a deprogramming centre.

What might very well have done young Kacie in was when her father told Ben that if Kacie wasn't the one, he hoped Ben would communicate that to her soon rather than stringing her along. Again, a reasonable request. So maybe Ben did the right thing in letting her go this week. Doubtful (if only because he kept Courtney) but maybe.

Ben then travelled to Texas for a visit with the divorced parents of the divorced Nicki, who, away from the wardrobe department in Hollywood, met Ben wearing a most outrageous pumps-and-hip-hugger combo. But maybe that's how they roll in the Lone Star State.

Nicki talked about her failed marriage. She rejected the notion she gave up on her blessed union, saying she "gave her all for a solid two years." I think we all agree that's way more than acceptable, especially given her folks have been divorced for almost Nicki's entire life. But they seemed to get along, which was nice to see, and Nicki at least pretended their advice was sound and based on solid principles.

Her mom was like a really supportive best girlfriend as they sat on a bed and talked about the burgeoning relationship. The dad was more realistic as he braced his daughter for her 25% odds in this game of love. Maybe he watched the dailies of the night before because he made sure to add that he has complete faith in her judgment so the only tears shed would be tears of joy and mutual respect.

Daddy-o toasts Ben and gives him an out, saying he hopes to see him again but that if he and Nicki don't end up together, he won't be mad, just disappointed. So we know who's getting dumped next week. After the meal – a meal, by the way, which Ben hardly touched while everyone else cleaned off their plate – Nicki took Ben to what I assume was her mom's bedroom and they proceeded to make out. She says, "After today, I'm in love with you." Ben says he has a "great gut feeling about Nicki." Presumably he wasn't talking about the hip-huggers.

Finally we get to see what spawned Cuckoo Courtney as we headed to Scottsdale, Arizona, to meet her parents and sister. But first we see a contrite Lady C telling us she's disappointed in herself for treating the other girls the way she did. I felt like I feel when a professional athlete has to issue an apology for some horrendous act he perpetrated and you know he had no hand whatsoever in writing it.

Oh, call me cynical but she still seems slightly (or greatly) off-kilter. She's saying all the right things and delivering the lines in a somewhat convincing manner if we were watching her for the first time, but we know too much now. If only Ben knew. I guess he does by now since the taping is long completed, but we won't hear his thoughts on the matter for a few weeks yet, if at all.

Courtney was all over the map, flip-flopping like a land-locked fish caught by John Kerry in simple beach footwear. She couldn't get her message straight. One moment she's telling her family, in front of Ben, she like/loves him. The next she's saying she's scared to tell him how she feels. Then when she does get up the fake-nerve, she tells him she's "falling for" him. Then at a fake-wedding ceremony (you heard me!) she says, "I want you to know I'm in love with you." Of course, she said this while reading her fake-vows while rocking semi-autistically back and forth. They then drive off in a white SUV decorated with "Almost Married" on the back.

This, along with the famous skinny-dipping escapade, was another one of those give-away moments that his final pick was the model with less than model behaviour. Try imagining it any other way: He picks Lindzi and he weathers the storm of watching the season unfold with her and explaining the naked oceanic embrace. Now comes a fake wedding ceremony where he and Courtney exchange fake rings and fake vows in front of a real Justice of the Peace and seal it with a real kiss. How does this go over? I mean it's possible this imaginary ending's winner would forgive and forget, but it's pretty doubtful. Oh, but who are we kidding. It's not like it would last with whoever he picked no matter what happened.

Speaking of skinny-dipping, did you stick around for the always-hilarious (read: seldom even remotely funny) blooper reel at the end? C's sis toasted the couple and mentioned the nude romp. B & C were mortified, embarrassed and defensive. Ben wondered what his mom would think. Did they not realize they were being televised that night? That it could be just let it be their little secret? I really want him to choose either Lindzi or Nicki just so we can hear him talk his way out of the awkwardness. I mean, I want either of them for other reasons, too, but that's a big one. Although I suppose it's a win-win because I'm pretty sure the B-C coupling will be very public and potentially very explosive.

Going into the rose ceremony, I wasn't sure who he'd send home. My logical guess was Kacie but it was based solely on external factors. But when he sat down with Chris Harrison to rehash the dates, that's when I was convinced it would be her. In Scottsdale he told Mr. Courtney's Father that he was looking for a strong and independent woman. Now he was describing Kacie as "one of the most kind and gentle women" he's met.

And sure enough, he hands the roses out in order to Courtney, Lindzi and Nicki. Lindzi and Nicki hug poor Kacie while Courtney takes notes on the sidelines on how to fake empathy for next week when she'll be standing beside the loser.

Kacie, to her credit, handled it well. She smiled. Yes, it was a smile of shock, but it was graceful and mature. Even when she talked to Ben she was sensible: "I know there was a chance I could be broken-hearted," she bravely offered.

But then came the limo. The dreaded limo. I'm beginning to wonder if they have a plate of chopped onions in the glove compartment, or maybe wash the interior with pepper spray before the rejects enter. Because the waterworks are inevitable, no matter how stoic they are before getting in the vehicle. Kacie was no exception, wailing, "Why does it have to hurt so bad?... I had no idea this was coming... What does he want? It's not me. I thought it was me. I was so stupid... I loved him and I don't know what to do now... What the fuck happened?! What the fuck happened?!" (It's not outside the realm of possiblity, by the way, our favourite twirler said, "What the hell happened?!" and the producer made some unnecessary censorship to make her look more outraged, but we'll go with the expletive they intended us to believe because it's more fun to imagine innocence lost.)

I think Miss Kacie might get a good talking-to when she gets home. Maybe even be grounded.

Next week they're off to sunny Switzerland, one of my favourite countries. Can't wait. We were teased that someone makes a return visit. Who could it be that just happened to be in Switzerland? She walked like the Undertaker. I'd love for it to be her again. Also, how many seasons in a row has it been where someone returns on the last vacation destination? It never turns out. Just once I'd like to see him ditch everyone for the returnee.

Bachelor Ben: The Black Widow

I don't know what to think. I had to sleep on this latest episode to wrap my head around Ben. Well, that and I was really tired. But still, I don't know whether to laugh or cry (metaphorically speaking). Do I sigh and shake my head? Do I reach out and give Ben a wake-up slap across the noggin? Do I revel in the public train wreck to come? Answer: All of the above.

This season has flown by. With this one done, we're down to the final four and onto the hometown dates. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. We need to rehash what went down in Belize.

Off the top, Ben tells us that feelings of love are there (nice passive voice, Ben) but that he's not ready to tell anyone that. Bit of a double standard? He expects the women to open up but he remains a closed book. Do we really know Ben? Not really. I know he's able to plunk out some primary chords on a piano. I know he knows his way around a bottle of vino. I know his dad died. I know he seems like a nice, normal guy. But in this episode, we learn he considers himself a bit of a weirdo. Seriously? He really isn't opening up in any real way at all. He is from Sonoma, so maybe his definition of 'weird' is a very pedestrian one, like he wears his shirt untucked or something.

There were three one-on-one dates, all rose-free, and one group date with one rose. Two would be sent home.

Lindzi gets the first one-on-one, which reduces Nicki to tears as the Stockholm Syndrome really settles in nicely. I really don't know what to make of Lindzi. She's attractive enough, apart from the axe wound down her right cheek and the scratchy voice. But she's a bit meh. Plus, the graphics tell us she's 27 but she looks much older. That's not a bad thing; it's just a thing.

Lindzi's phobia is heights. I call bullshit on that. Someone afraid of heights doesn't sit relaxed on an open-door helicopter ride admiring the view; rather she sits cowering and tense with her eyes clenched shut with sweat pouring from her. Okay, maybe I'm projecting. Besides, it doesn't take a fear of heights not to want to jump out of a helicopter into a 500-foot deep ocean hole, no matter how nicely it's surrounded by reef. Ben said she was freaking out, but we see her standing on the outside of the airborne chopper laughing. Yeah, real terror there. But as we all know by now, relationships are all about confronting your fears head-on. Every time I hear that I feel my own relationship is not up to snuff. Then again, my marriage has lasted. What fear have I conquered? The fear of getting up before noon, sure, but what else? None that I can think of.

But they take the plunge (much closer to the water than they show at first). Nobody dies. And Lindzi is probably still afraid of heights to the same degree she was before.

Back on land, they write a fairy tale on a piece of paper. More like a literal tale. How many fairy tales do you know that reference technology (i.e. jumping out of a helicopter). But whatever. They then roll up the paper, slip it into a bottle, and litter that bottle in the ocean. To what end? Who knows? Maybe one day a child of the future will stumble across the bottle washed up on shore, take out the message and be magically whisked away to a land when quaint helicopters filled the air.

The next one-on-one went to Emily, the PhD student/rapper. On their walk, they come across a lobster fisherman. Or at least an actor portraying a lobster fisherman. His lobsters are all spoken for so Ben says let's go catch some ourselves. Emily marvels about Ben's spontaneity. Because that wasn't planned out months in advance at all. Okay, maybe she's just school smart. She didn't notice the underwater cameraman tagging along, I guess.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Courtney is realizing she needs some camera time so she acts jealous and insecure, even managing the odd tear. Who said models can't act?! She and Lindzi, lounging on a bed, hash it out. She tells Lindzi she isn't ready to bring Ben home to her family and doesn't know how much more she can take. In fact, if she doesn't get the last one-on-one date, she's not going to accept a rose. And Lindzi actually seems to be sympathetic, which either speaks really well of her or really poorly.

Kacie is getting her hate-on for Courtney, making the first of two black widow analogies the not-so-super model would get this episode. Kacie said she'd squish her in her palm. Now, I'm no arachnologist, but I don't know if that's a wise move. But the idea of Courtney as a black widow is perhaps sound. She seems to be at one with the creepy crawlers. In the end credits we see her encounter with a (supposedly) wild tarantula and she has no fear whatsoever. She happily picks it up and plays with it. Again, as I say, I'm no arachnologist but really? I know tarantulas in captivity are fine, but they're a bit more used to human contact. I'm just saying the downside to your bravery is ripe with risk.

Lo and behold, Courtney gets the last one-on-one date. On her way out, she says to no one but herself, but meant for our enjoyment, "Bye! I can't stand you!" Clearly she's never seen the Women Tell All episode. Why set yourself up like that? Even if you honestly don't like the others, are you that clueless that you don't know how it'll come across?

And true to her narcissism, she confides in Ben that it's all about her. I got the feeling the whole thing was a ploy for attention and airtime, playing hard to get. And as always, it worked. I wonder what she could say or do that would turn Ben off? Anything? Pick her nose and eat it? He'd probably laugh it off. Scream in his face that he's a loser who looks like Alfalfa? He'd be turned on by her raw emotion. He's got it bad. And as Duke Ellington would say, "And that ain't good."

She tells him the spark has fizzled a little bit. She says she's confused by his interest in Emily. Talk about your double standard. Emily invokes Courtney's name, and she's reprimanded for it. But Courtney talks smack about Emily and he's fine with it. I also love how she plays the victim to the hilt. She was just an innocent bystander when the evil, vindictive Emily unleashed on her.

Emily uses another false black widow analogy: "She's like a black widow: she sucks the life out of everything." Again, no arachnologist, but I'm not sure black widows suck but I'm sure Google does. Hang on... Nope, they don't: "The injection of neurotoxic venom latrotoxin from these species is a comparatively dangerous spider bite, resulting in the condition latrodectism." But she follows this up with a good line, saying it's sad that Ben doesn't see the two sides of Courtney, "or however many sides she has." Ben's hypothetical rejoinder: "Hey, she's multi-faceted."

Ben tells us he'd be devastated if Courtney followed through on her threats and left. He tells her he wants a woman with edge, someone who's a bit weird. My immediate reaction: good luck everyone else. There's not a weird one besides the Big C. Be careful what you wish for, young man.

They climb a Mayan temple and look out at the spectacular view. Ben says, "Oh... my... dad." Oh yes he did. Maybe he's right: he is weird, afterall.

And then he says he can see his life with Courtney. He seriously said that. With a straight face. He tells her he believes in the trite concept of soul mates. Courtney is amazed because who else on shows like these ever does? "You do?!" she squeals. "Me, too!" Of course, it's more grand dramaturgy. Later, pre-final rose ceremony, while the others are fretting about what's going to happen, Courtney lightens the mood by saying Ben isn't the only guy in the world. So much for soul mates.

At dinner, after the spark came back, and Ben was engaging her in deep conversation, she looked so insincere, her eyes darting left and right, up and down, almost anywhere but at Ben as she fiddled with her hair. It's all a game for her. After the date, she tells the other women, via her private interview, "Snap, girls, show's over. You can all go home, pack your bags." She feigns pistols with her fingers and says, "Kill shot." And then her coup de grâce: "I don't want to get cocky, though."

Ben wants to hear about Courtney's journey. Does she reveal anything? Of course not. But she slags all the girls in the house, saying she's tried to win them over and be nice to them, compliment them (obviously edited out of the show). She told Ben she wouldn't be friends with any of them, she's bored by them, they're into themselves and vanilla. Ben's ears prick up (as, I'm sure, does his actual prick). He wonders if she's capable of friendship. She assures him she is; she has lots of guy friends. Oh. That's a relief. For a minute there I thought she couldn't get along with people.

To explain how it really is the other girls' fault, and not hers, she expounds on her duties as a world-class model: "I'm the talent. I have to make everyone happy." She then slights them again, saying they're not even women; they're girls. And this: "Do I need to put myself through this stress to find love? I don't." That got Ben's attention. Clearly this is a woman with options: He better keep her around. Good call, Ben. Good call.

Next was the group date and Ben snuck into the rooms of Kacie, Nicki and Rachel at 4 a.m. to give them a surprise wake-up call and tell them to don their swimwear. Then we got shots of Nicki frantically shaving her legs and Rachel hurriedly shaving her pits. Kacie, of course, doesn't have body hair yet.

Next thing we see them on a boat at sunrise drinking champagne. This show really is enabling. What would happen if a contestant didn't drink or was a recovering alcoholic?

The girls (and Ben) would be diving with sharks. So naturally Rachel is terrified of sharks. But as all good potential partners must do, she must overcome her fear. So Ben held her hand on the group date and Rachel survived, although I was wondering (as were the other two girls) if that extra attention and conquering of said fear would garner her the rose. Even Rachel herself was pretty confident she was getting the flower, but that's always the kiss of death, isn't it? It sure was this time. The ectomorphically cute Kacie would not be denied.

Back at the hotel, the smug Courtney told the others, "I bet Ben's exhausted. We had a late night last night." She also compared Kacie to a little girl "with a little boy's body." Oh yeah? Well... but... Okay, she's right on that one, but it's the way she says it that bugs me.

At the end of the group date, Nicki and Kacie broach the subject of Lady C with Ben, telling him to be cautious of her and to "tread lightly". Ben responds by giving Courtney a rose. Didn't even need no stinkin' cocktail party. Sure, he tried to build some doubt by asking to speak to Courtney for a moment (she responded with all the sincerity she could fake: "The only reason I'm here is for you... I think we can make each other really happy in life. I don't want you to question me at all. I've been nothing but honest." Oh, I can't wait for him to report back on After the Final Rose about his thoughts watching this season). But he wasted no time in dumping Rachel (who showed up trying to win some weird points with a dead bird hanging from her right ear) and Emily. Both, not coincidentally, are blondes. Remember on the very first episode he talked about being attracted to brunettes. There you have it. All brunettes left (Lindzi is close enough). And only one weirdo.

Rachel felt rejected, naturally: "I'm really tired of being disappointed." And Em was in disbelief. She was smart enough to turn her back on the camera when the inevitable waterworks arrived.

And that's that. Hard to believe, but true. I had a comment here a week or so ago that was bang on. Remember when Ben and Courtney went skinny dipping in the ocean and nakedly embraced? Okay, fine, whatever, right? But fast forward a month and let's pretend he chose Kacie, for example, with the final rose. Now they're sitting there watching the series unfold and she sees this. How does this go over? Answer: it doesn't. His relationship would be doomed. So he must end up picking Courtney. In which case he is doomed. Either way, chalk up another Bachelor success story!

What is it with "nice guys" on this show? Jake chose the crazed Vienna and now Ben is poised to pick
 the poisoned Courtney. Oh well, at least we have a few months of tabloid hilarity to follow. There's always that.