The Bachelorette jumps the pig

Kermit and Miss Emily

Wow. Really? Puppets? Oh, sure, spell them with an 'm' instead of a 'p', but that's all they are. Green and pink felt puppets. You can't have a real interaction with a puppet. I'm as big a fan of the Muppets as the guys who were selected to perform in a variety show with them, but let's not pretend they're real people. Let's not pretend Miss Piggy is really jealous of Kermit's fake relationship with Miss Emily. This was, without a doubt, the low point in a history of low points for the reality show we all hate to love.

But I won't harp on it. Each season gets a mulligan. That was it. Let's just pretend it never happened.

Oh, before I move on, though, the puppetmaster for Kermit had him saying at one point that, "Miss Piggy and I have been together for a very long time." Was this news to anyone else? Granted, I haven't seen the movies, but I always thought it was more of an unrequited love, a one-way street. I didn't realize it was a full-fledged inter-species affair.

In the comments section last week I was asked to tally the "sweet"s uttered by Miss Emily. Apparently she used up her quota last week because I heard only one this week, and she paired it with 'girl' to form "sweet girl". Did I just miss the others? For a while I thought "awesome" might be the phrase to listen for, but it proved to be a false alarm. Mind you, I didn't count all the times the southern belle said "y'all". But I noticed it.

The episode started off with Miss Emily sitting around with her fellow soccer moms. Apparently the heavily made-up and worked-on Miss Emily is a real soccer mom. And yes, she's slightly out of place amongst the others but to be fair to them, she'd be slightly out of place amongst any type of mom group.

Even though she's the star of her very own weekly two-hour prime time network series filming in her home town, Miss Emily couldn't get out of snack duty. So she enlisted Football Ryan to help bake cookies. What happened to store-bought granola bars or Wagon Wheels and some sliced oranges? The other moms already feel awful about themselves being around her, does she really need to rub it in by making home-made cookies?

So Ryan dutifully carts her groceries into her house for her, dons a lady's apron and gets his hands dirty. "I think it's too early to tell how he'd treat me in a marriage," she said, "but he passed the cookie test." Really? Too early? You've known him a whole day already and you're midway through your first date and it's too early? No wonder she's single.

At night, Miss Emily picks up the former minor leaguer in one of her many luxury vehicles and takes him to dinner. In trying to make up for lost time and get to know the guy a bit better, she asks how many ex-girlfriends he has. He's one handsome dude, afterall. He replies that there have only been two. Oh, he must not be a playah afterall. Clarification: Only two that have meant anything to him. Ah! Maybe the better question would have been, "How many women would claim they were your ex-girlfriend?"

But I'll grant him this: He was very good on the date. Seemed real. I could see him winning the whole thing. Make note. I know Racer Arie is the front-runner, but don't count Football Ryan out. I have no idea what Miss Emily's religious views are, but she's a good ole southern gal so I bet she has a healthy fear of God. And Ryan does, too. He mentioned his pastor then later on in the night signed off a 7-page (!) letter to her with, "Love in Christ." She might just go for that hooey.

He also said he'd "never experienced being in the presence of someone so beautiful" before. This just proves the former professional football player had to be in the arena league rather than the NFL, otherwise he'd have his pick of beautiful bimbos.

After dinner, Miss Emily led Ryan outside where a throng of iPhone paparazzi were waiting to watch the couple dance awkwardly to a live band nobody's heard of. Despite her look-at-me appearance, Miss Emily strikes me as shy. Surely this couldn't have been her idea, especially on a mean-nothing first date.

Next up was the Muppet date, of which the less said the better. But it's worth noting that Charlie Hustle, he of the 15-storey balcony fall, had the sweats when told he had to perform standup comedy. He eloquently explained that he has speech problems and finds it difficult to talk. Miss Emily wouldn't have known it, and neither would any of us. In fact, after watching Kyle and John try their hand at stand-up riddles, one might have assumed it was them with the brain injuries. Miss Emily was gracious as ever and allowed Charlie to sing. Or dance. Not sure, as we didn't see him do any of that.

After the embarrassment of the Muppets, the fellas got to unwind with the girl of their collective wet dreams. Creepy Chris really wanted the lone rose so he sidled up to Miss Emily and we were all gob-smacked when she told him how good-looking he is. This calls into question her judgment on everything. In what kind of Bizarro world is Creepy Chris attractive? I guess he has the rugged inbred good looks they go for down south.

The usual cut-ins caused the usual drama. Stevie, the Party MC who looks like Jon Cryer, was dancing to imaginary music with Miss Emily when Ames Wannabe Kalon cut in. Moments later, Aaron interrupts. I know they're trying to paint Kalon as the pretentious villain, but I thought he handled it well. He understood Aaron's desire, but said he had only just sat down with Miss Emily so requested just two more minutes. Aaron would have none of it, so Kalon, not wanting to put Miss Emily in a predicament, obligingly walked away.

One-F Jef then had his audience with Miss Emily, and the demure one was the aggressor. She told him she had been eying him all day and he never responded. He claimed he never noticed. You'd think that would be enough of a sign to turf the loser, but she gave him the rose. Creepy Chris couldn't believe it. He thought his conversation with her was unlike any other guy's talk. Points, though, for not saying they "had a connection," but that's what he meant.

The next one-on-one date went to Crazy Hair Joe. She flew him to her home state of West Virginia. Blue Ridge Mountains, Shanendoah River and all that. (I learn everything from pop songs.) It was such a big date for Joe he broke open the Unibrow-B-Gone cream.

Again, Miss Emily shocks us with her lack of knowledge about these guys: "I feel like there's so much about you I don't know," she told Joe. Honestly, woman, if you don't know it's because you don't want to know. There's no excuse after almost 48 hours with 19 guys not to know everything about all of them.

But it was not to be. Miss Emily let Hairy Joe go. And it was tough. Imagine how hard it'll be for her when she actually knows a bit more about the guy. Joe didn't seem too pleased but he left her so she could watch the romantic fireworks on her balcony alone.

Back at the house, everyone was hating on Kalon. Daddy Doug took exception to a little slip by Chopper Boy, who said Doug was putting being a dad on hold while he did the show. Again, not to rush to the defense of Kalon, but he was just using the handy-dandy guidebook on acceptable Bachelor/ette phrases. In fact, fast-forward to the exit interviews with the losers and we heard Kyle say he put his life on hold to be there. But Doug didn't get the memo. I guess haters gotta hate.

At the cocktail party, Football Ryan, who already had a rose, took the opportunity for some alone time with Miss Emily. And you know nobody took kindly to that. People with roses need not take valuable time away from people without. Right? Whatever. So Tony, who looks remarkably like Steve Carell, marched in there to steal her away. Ryan was gentlemanly and understood. He was just about to give Emily something, though. Would Tony Carell mind waiting? Miss Emily unrolled the aforementioned 7-page handwritten letter and proceeded to read the whole thing. I have no idea what it said. The guy went on one date with her, GOT THE ROSE, and still felt the need to pen seven pages of dreck for her. Why not save that for a week when you don't already have a rose. That might be the impetus to keep you around for another week.

Anyway, 15 minutes later, Emily finishes reading and has time for Tony, who was standing by the whole time. The big news he had to get across was that he has a 5-year-old son. Miss Emily couldn't have looked less interested if she had tried. Her precious angel is the only child that counts.

With Crazy Hair Joe gone, two more would follow suit, leaving Football Ryan, One-F Jef and 14 others with roses. As mentioned, Kyle put his life on hold for nothing, and 4-Eyes Aaron will head back to the biology lab where he'll no doubt become a super villain and concoct a deadly virus that will threaten to put an end to all life. I've seen the movies. I know how these things end.

Moving on were Capt. Kalon, Racer Arie, Pony Boy Michael, Anonymous Nate, Blond Sean, Creepy Chris, Daddy Doug, somebody named Travis, Wolf in John's Clothing, Head Banger Charlie, Party Nerd Stevie, and the two latin hombres, Alessandro and Alejandro. Can't tell them apart? Alejandro has matching earrings.

So that's that. Questions? Comments? Nasty remarks?

See you next week.

Miss Emily returns

Welcome back. And didn't this sneak up on me! I had no idea we were all set to go until two days ago when my wife informed me the new season was nigh. That's what I get for not reading the tabs.

Am I really doing this again? Looks like it. Before the show I was thinking what a dud this one could be. Yes, Miss Emily is beautiful, inside and out, but she's not exactly Miss Personality. But I thought the first episode was decent and the upcoming season highlights look like lots of fun, in the usual train wreck way. So that's good.

I was glad to see tonight's episode was only 90 minutes. What's up? Think the network is sick of giving up so much time to the show? Will this be the regular time slot now or will we go back to the two hours they've been giving us the past few seasons? 

Right off the bat we got a gander of Miss Emily's knockout figure as we saw her in a tighttight sweater. Not to be too base, but those have to be fake boobs, right? I'm alright with that but it just seems like a disconnect for someone with such a wholesome image. We also got a look at her house and car in Charlotte and she seems to be doing very well for herself. I know real estate isn't outrageous down there, but I don't imagine salaries are, either.

I also wondered how the hell this picture of near perfection is still single after her last season-long appearance on national television. Is she damaged goods? But you know what? I completely forgot she actually won her season with Brad. How bad is my memory? They got engaged and everything. Goes to show how much I think about this show outside of Monday nights.

I described her as 'near perfect'. So what's missing? As I mentioned, she's not a great conversationalist or anything. And now I'm wondering about her smarts. The twice-engaged 26-year-old said that being engaged is "really special and should be saved for the person you're going to marry." It's those core values that will endear her to simple people the world over.

Since I don't read the tabloids, I only recently heard the big news that Chris Harrison is divorcing his wife. The Bachelor curse continues. Who will it strike next? Trista and Ryan? I see there's a movement afoot to enlist Harrison as the next Bachelor. I heartily concur. How fun would that be? It's not as if he would have to pick a life partner so soon after his breakup. He knows better than anyone this is just a show and a free romp with a bunch of gorgeous gals. The inevitable breakup is all part of the game.

Anyway, back to Miss Emily and her new fellas. We got a sneak peak at eight of them prior to their first meeting with Miss Emily:

• Kalon described himself as "young, fun and good-looking." Then we got a close-up of his mug. He looks like a metrosexual Clark Kent.
• Ryan says he played eight years of "pro football". Since he didn't mention the NFL, I'm going to guess it was arena football.
• Tony, from Beaverton, Oregon, is a father to a 5-year-old boy, has a weak soul patch and possesses two thumbs, which he likes to point at himself with.
• Lerone is a big, black man with a small, cute dog. He also is fixated with Miss Emily's status as a single mom. 
• David is a singer/songwriter who throws around words like "ineffable." And what a lyricist! You should have heard him at the piano intoning "Emily" about a hundred different ways.
• Charlie may have a brain injury, but there's nothing wrong with his heart.
• Jef spells his name with one 'f'. Nuf said. Oh, and he rides a skateboard.
• Arie is an Indy car driver. He's worried that may bring back painful memories for Miss Emily. Gee, you think?

For the first time in franchise history, our protagonist is meeting the potential spouses away from Los Angeles. We're in Miss Emily's hometown of Charlotte for reasons unknown. At first I thought it must be so she could be near Ricki, her daughter. But I see now that little Ricki will be travelling the globe with her throughout this journey so I don't see what difference it makes that the first week is in their hometown. Maybe the L.A. mansion was unavailable for rentals this month.

Miss Emily (who's a babe in the woods at 26 years of age, may I remind you) wants a minivan full of babies. Her clock is tickin', afterall, she said. Twenty-six!

Oh, can we please dispense with the notion that anyone has given up anything to be on the show? Miss Emily says she has, and says all the guys have, too. What, I ask?! The Bachelor handbook needs to be rewritten. Once they purge that trite phrase, they can move on to "Can I steal you?" and "not here for the right reasons". That's a start.

The first introductions are always rather painful. Some people want to make a big impression. Let's see how that worked out. Six dudes were sent home. Jackson got down on his knees and recited a cheesy speech to her. He's toast. Lerone told her about his fetish for single moms. Gonzo. Randy arrived looking like Johnny Carson's Aunt Blabby before tearing it off to reveal – tada! – he's really not an old lady at all! Hit the road.

Granted, some of the cheesy opening lines stuck around, but they handed out 19 roses so some had to stick. (Speaking of which, why the odd number? Nineteen guys? Was it supposed to be more and she didn't like six of them? Or was it supposed to be fewer and she really dug too many of them?) In fact, Doug, a Seattle single dad, blabbed on and on about his life story and he got the first impression rose. So what do I know? Then there was Joe, annoyingly loud, who danced a little jig and he'll be there next week. And Jef and his ridiculous skateboard and bouffant hairdo that makes him look like a young Mickey Rooney. And Stevie, who showed up with a cheap ghetto blaster playing some generic dance music and looking like a nerd dressed up as a party MC. Tony brought a shoe on a cushion, claiming he was Prince Charming. I think it was a cheap excuse to look at her bare foot as he slipped on the glass slipper. It wouldn't surprise me if we learn he has a foot fetish. Travis had the lame idea to carry around an ostrich egg to represent Miss Emily and Ricki, saying he'd protect the egg like he'll protect them. We just know it's going to break at some point, don't we? And Kalon who flew in on his private helicopter, much to everyone's jealousy. And these doofuses were all selected by the in-over-her-head Miss Emily.

Some more first impressions: Kyle couldn't control himself. He was in awe at her absolute stunning beauty and stood there looking her up and down, undressing her with his eyes. Aaron, the biology teacher, came straight out of central casting. The only thing missing was the white lab coat and pocket protector. Brent is the oldest looking 41-year-old I've ever seen. But maybe that's because he has six kids... Wait a second. He has what? Yes, six kids. I can't understand why he didn't make it through, can you? John says all his friends call him "Wolf". That's alarming to me. If his name was actually Wolf, I wouldn't mind, because that's a real name. But when your friends decide to call you Wolf, it's for a reason. And probably not a good one. Speaking of names, what's with Jean-Paul? The guy has not a trace of an accent. If you don't have a thick French accent with a name like that, you're a pretentious douche. Which she must have sensed because he was selected to advance.

Oh, and producers, every single season I get so pissed off at contestants with the same name. There are hundreds of names out there, and no doubt hundreds of potential contestants, there's no reason to have two people with the same name. So all well and good this season. There's no need for initials to differentiate between contestants. But get this: there's an Alessandro and an Alejandro. Seriously?! You're shitting me. I don't know why these little things rankle me like they do, but they do. What's more, she gave roses to both – probably because she couldn't tell them apart – so we've got to put up with this nonsense for at least another week.

Although, her exchange with Alessandro was classic. Remember, Miss Emily isn't the smartest cookie in the pantry, so cut her some slack. But when the Brazilian spoke his native Portuguese to her, she responded with "¡Graçias!" I guess it sounded like Spanish to her.

At the cocktail party, Miss Emily played up her southern belle stereotype, announcing, "Golly, I'm nervous." She really said "golly"! I haven't heard that in... I don't think I've ever heard any real person say that. I thought it was just something they used in Archie comic strips. I had no idea it was a real word.

Doug, the single dad, kept harping on his kid, saying his son wrote a letter for Miss Emily. He gives it to her, and Miss E (for Emily, not Einstein) says, "I'm going to read it, okay?" Uh, it's highly unorthodox, but alright.

The letter was a paean to dear old dad: "Dad always tucks me in... blah, blah, blah." I could just see Doug standing over his cowering child dictating the letter. Or better yet, grabbing a crayon with his left hand and writing it himself.

I was expecting to hate Kalon and Arie but I found both to be fine. Kalon deserves his bad rap for his look-at-me entrance, but he seemed to be self-deprecating and polite. And Arie, the race car driver, was genuine and sweet.

But we'll see. These are all first impressions and I know from the upcoming highlights that somebody's a major jerk. And some I've written off will prove to be decent chaps.

Bachelor Ben: Such controversy!

I know it's kind of The Bachelor's thing to breathlessly announce each and every season as the most something-or-other in franchise history, but most controversial? Really? More than the dude who left two women at the altar? More than the Seattle guy who doubled back? What happened with Ben? He picked who the tabloids have been saying he'd pick for the last two months. Huge surprise there. Such controversy!

Okay, so he picked the narcissistic model over the salt of the earth. Big whoop. It's not like we didn't see it coming. We knew that even good guys have penises and use them in lieu of brains half the time. Jake and Vienna taught us that. And those two might have been the only ones watching who were cheering for Courtney just to take some of the stink off their own failed fake romance. And judging from the near disaster we witnessed in the plodding After the Final Rose show, it's only a matter of time before Ben & Courtney detonate, too.

But let's back up a bit. If you missed it, I'll walk you through the show.

If I just tuned in last night without having seen a single second of the season to date, I'd have known Courtney was the one as soon as they showed Ben and Lindzi embracing. She's all over him and he's standing there stiff-backed leaning away from her. And she made it to the final! That's how much of a blowout this contest was.

The episode took place in the bucolic setting of Zermatt, Switzerland. I didn't know there was a Disneyland there, but apparently there is. Ben's rustic cabin was located at the foot of the Matterhorn. The Europeans are the first to look down on Americans but they're the first to copy a great American landmark like the Matterhorn roller coaster, too. Phoneys.

This week's episode was brought to you by the word 'vulnerable'. Unfortunately by the time I realized it, it was too late to start counting. But it was clearly in double figures. If you included it in your finale drinking game, you're probably really hung over today.

The talking point this week was how much Lindzi "lights up a room." That's code for, "She's got a great personality." Which itself is code for, "She's going home." If you had "lights up a room" in your drinking game and 'vulnerable', you're probably not reading this because you're dead of alcohol poisoning.

Ben's mom and sister flew to the Swiss Disneyland to convene with Ben and meet his final two. Sis, who is to Ben like Mrs. Doubtfire is to Robin Williams – which is to say identical but with longer hair, usually hates Ben's girlfriends. So we can be sure she'll be the voice of reason who will steer Ben away from the big-foreheaded, big-calved, big-knuckled model. Or so we thought.

But I had a notion Courtney would win them over and she did. She's been practicing her soft and sweet character for a few weeks now and she's got it down pat. I'm just a little disappointed Sis didn't see through it. When giving Ben her stamp of approval, she said, "You can't judge a book by its cover." True enough, but you also can't judge a book by its introduction, either.

Before arriving at the cabin, Sis leadingly (and maybe a bit suspiciously, like she'd been tipped off) asked if there was a girl in the process surrounded by drama who didn't get along with the others. Ben told her there was, and they'd be meeting her. Sis smartly told him that was a giant red flag.

When C arrived, she didn't wait to be grilled. She sat down, with coat and scarf still on, and spilled her guts about how hard it was for her, how some girls in the house wouldn't even look at her so she gave up trying to talk to them. She really was making an effort from day one to get to know people! No, really! Geez, persecution complex much?

That's all it took. Sis was, in her own words, "shocked" and "blown away" by this "really amazing girl." She told Ben, "You have to be a pretty strong and secure woman to be a model." But she needn't have. I mean, who doesn't know models are the very picture of confidence? Or at least faking it. She also said Courtney was the "complete package" – only what she didn't say was that package may contain traces of nuts. But after basically telling Ben to go for it with this high maintenance chick, I believe his whole family is nuts, too.

This was the day after they met Lindzi and fell in love with her. Maybe, when compiling a list of pros and cons, Lindzi's clumsiness and poor manners and grammar did her in. Twice while eating she dropped her fork. The horse lady then said, "I get a little stressed out when I have to eat proper." You know, with cutlery and such.

But maybe Lindzi wasn't completely into the process. She said, "If Ben ends up being my husband, this is going to go down in history as one of the biggest days of my life." Just "one of"? You don't want it bad enough, girlfriend.

On her date with Ben, they went skiing near the rollercoaster. Their private gondola stopped midway up the mountain and Lindzi felt now was the place and time to open up to Ben. Yes, of course it was. What better time than on your last date? And what if the gondola didn't stop? Well, there's always the altar.

I never noticed Lindzi's Farrah Fawcett-Majors circa 1978 hairstyle before. I didn't know women still used curling irons.

But I did notice, and continued to notice, her scratchy voice whenever she gets all vulnerable. Her voice box disappears whenever the subject of love comes up.

Another clue she was toast was when Ben visited her at night. He robotically thanked her, kind of a preemptive strike in case she's inconsolable at the altar. She mistook it for an intimate moment. Come to think of it, it probably was intimate for her.

In voice-over mode, Ben told us that he really wanted to tell Lindzi that he loves her but he had one more date with Courtney and it wouldn't be fair. I don't believe that for a second; I think he said it for Lindzi's sake when she was watching at home with a box of Kleenex.

On his final date with Lady C, Ben brought out the big guns: the helichopper, as Courtney called it. They flew over the Matterhorn as their relationship soared to new heights. Ben said he knew it wasn't easy for Courtney meeting his family and having to pretend to be sweet for so long. Actually, I added the last bit, but I think it's a fair statement of fact.

One new wrinkle in this finale was that the girls were required to light their own candles. We saw both Lindzi and Courtney affixing fire to wick. Cutbacks, I guess. They had to choose between professional candle lighter or flying the ring guy to Europe.

As I sat transfixed on Courtney's shiny protruding forehead, when she said, "I had the best time sledding," I could have sworn she said, "I had the best time sweating." Both made sense.

In keeping with her persecution complex, she talked about her pattern of men who just keep taking and taking and not giving anything back. I don't think she was being literal, but it was kinda funny she then gave Ben a gift and he got her nothing. It was the requisite photo album, done up by the prop department. I'm pretty sure they did it because I don't recall ever seeing her with a camera. And if she did have one, that shot of her and Ben on top of a mountain, taken from the base, would be problematic unless she threw her camera down to a passing tourist at the bottom to take it for her.

In the album, she wrote, "I love you, Ben." And the accompanying card was filled with tiny Unabomber-style printing. She wrote that this relationship is "possibly the best thing that's ever happened to me." Yes, "possibly." She also added a PS, saying that she included her all-time favourite love song, "Forever" by Ben Harper, on the mix she gave him. (Thanks to my PVR pause mode for that bit of information.)

And then, after that bit of awkward romance, Courtney gets back in full-on Courtney mode, accusing Ben of throwing her under the bus in tipping his family off about her problem with the girls, making her go on the defensive. For a guy who says he doesn't like drama, he sure picked a drama queen. Get used to moments like these, Ben. Ben said, "There are times I don't understand her; times when she frustrates me." That's always a good sign in the lovey-dovey dating stage, isn't it?

I thought Courtney might be trying to sabotage her chances. She got as far as her career needed her to get and she didn't ever plan on winning. But her plan backfired.

Did anyone else notice that when Ben left her room, his suspenders were hanging off his pants?

Then it was time for the ring bearer. Why does this vendor get to travel the world on The Bachelor's dime? From what I understand, people get married in Switzerland. I'm sure there are at least a couple of jewelers in the country.

Ben felt good about his decision to choose Courtney. He said, "I know what I'm doing. This decision is the right one." Then he said, "This is the happiest I've ever been. I don't imagine life getting any better." Well, I'm sure he's right about that. It's all downhill from here. So it's fitting they shot this in Switzerland.

It gets worse/better: "The woman I'm about to propose to brings me more joy than I could ever imagine. I feel like it was meant to be; like we were put on this planet to be together."

Enter chopper 1. Lindzi exits brimming with confidence, as all the first runners-up do. "I love Ben. I love Ben. It feels good to say that. This is the moment girls dream about their whole life."

As she greeted Ben at the altar, she couldn't stop talking: "I'm so excited to be here with you, blah blah blah." I wanted Ben to put his finger on her lips and say, "Shhh." She asked how he was feeling. He looked down and said, "Uh..." And then came the stream of bullshit: "I want you to know I have fallen in love with you and, uh,... (sigh)... but I need those moments to last a lifetime." Say what? What does that even mean? "And I've found that with someone else." Again, huh?

But Lindzi just shrugged. She took it well. And for once she said what I've always thought the losers should say, "If things don't work out, call me." Although in this particular instance, she could have easily replaced the conditional 'if' with 'when'. That's a given.

She also said, "It sucks having the man you love not love you back." Wasn't she listening? He very clearly told her he had fallen in love with her. Women! They just don't listen!

Chopper 2 brought in our winner. Courtney's line of the night was, "I'm a good person and good things happen to good people." From that can we infer that bad things happen to bad people? Such as being vilified by the masses and trashed in every publication known to check-out lines?

Ben clearly listened to the Ben Harper song because he told Courtney, "You are my forever." She then did a little inhaled gasp and smile as if she just won ten dollars on a Scratch-n-Win ticket. That was her emotional investment in her engagement. She took off her long black glove and Ben slipped the comped ring over her swollen knuckle. No tears of joy. It was like nothing really registered.

I guess you could say that was controversial. At least it's a better tease than, "The least emotional ending in Bachelor history!"

On the After the Final Rose show, Ben came out unshaven, which I've come to accept but usually the guy has a face capable of growing a beard. But Ben has the patchiest excuse for a five o'clock shadow I've ever seen.

The show was full of contradictions, mostly from Ben. He said, "I did listen to the women." I guess in the sense that his ears heard the words they formed, but not in the sense of responding to advice. He claims he was never given any specific examples of her misdeeds, just that she didn't get along with them. But Ben put the kibosh on any such warnings, cryptically telling them to "tread carefully" and concentrate on their own relationships with him.

Then he says he's still in love with Courtney (maybe in the sense that he was in love with Lindzi) but reveals they were essentially broken up (which elicited gasps from the groupies in the audience). He and C didn't talk for a few weeks because he needed to reassess everything. Chris Harrison brought up the steamy photos of him kissing other women that were published in the tabs, but Ben denied it, saying he never kissed another woman and hasn't cheated on her. Is that just a technicality? As in, "I couldn't have cheated on a woman I was broken up with. That's logically impossible."

When Courtney came out, she was greeted with a smattering of applause and some boos. She again played the victim and used the lame excuse that the show brought out the worst in her. That's only possible if the worst is already in her to begin with. As the saying goes, celebrity doesn't change one's character; it reveals one's character.

In trying to get some sympathy from the crowd, she said Ben didn't even send flowers or a card on Valentine's Day. "He abandoned me. I needed him... There's definitely some trust that's been lost." She said she reached out to him but he wasn't responding. And then she says they're still a couple.

When Ben joined her, he agreed. He said, "We're in a good place. It can only get better." Well, that may be so, but it can also get a whole lot worse. And probably will. He insists, "We know this is going to work... I want to be with you. I love you. I'm not going to abandon you." Oh, he's a smoothie when the camera's rolling, isn't he?

Harrison then brought out the engagement ring. Why he had it is anybody's guess. I assume it remains the property of The Bachelor. What did he want to do with it? Cue the romantic music. Ben shakily put it back on Courtney's oversized finger. All's good. Until they break down the set and they're whisked back to reality anyway.

That bit of business done, Harrison brought out "one of our favourite couples" Ashley and JP...??? Really? Do we care about them? They revealed Ashley took a bit of a beating in the press and message boards but JP was there for her. I find that surprising. I liked Ashley and always thought JP was a bit of a dolt. But that's just me, I guess. They also revealed they're hoping to get married within a year. Oh joy. What is that, three successful couples now?

Which got me thinking: I know the producers always add some professional women and men to up the drama and/or comedy, but now that it's backfired and the show is even more of a sham than it's ever been (if we're looking at it as a vehicle for romance rather than a source of entertainment), maybe they should get serious about finding people who really want to find love and not just actors playing the part.

It'll be interesting when Miss Emily gets her turn come May. I guess I'll see you back here then. Thanks for reading.