Bachelor Canada: Three's a crowd

Whining is beneath me, guys, but not a single comment last week?! Is it me or is it the show? As I've said, I think the show is as good/bad as the American version, but I guess a much smaller audience can see this one. That's what I'll console myself with. Yeah, that's it.

I was speaking to a woman last week who watches the show and she was saying how horrible this version is. Why? Because they say all the same things as the American ones. But to my way of thinking, every season all the contestants say the exact same things. It's branding. That's what they do. Everyone's on a "journey", some people aren't there for "the right reasons". We know the game.

She also didn't like the host, but the guy (whose name was finally mentioned – three times, yet! – tonight) is hardly around at all so that's no reason to dislike the whole show. Probably more than anything, she was one of many Canadians who automatically hate anything on TV that even hints at being Canadian. Usually there's good reason to feel that way, but I think this is an exception. That is, if you hate the U.S. franchise, you'll hate Bachelor Canada, but I can't see liking one and disliking the other because they're practically identical, for better or for worse.

One major difference, though, is the time allotment. We were down to the final three women tonight and the network gives up a whole hour for it. When was the last time any Bachelor/ette season clocked in at under 2 hours? Maybe in the first season, whenever that was. It was surprising all they could fit in given the constraints.

Brad took his three ladies to the Maritimes this week. Or what the producers erroneously called the Maritimes. Yes, Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island are two of the three maritime provinces, but Newfoundland & Labrador (one province, if you're reading from outside the Great White North) isn't included, for some reason. No idea why. Maybe because they were late to the party, constitutionally speaking. (Hey, maybe my ignorance on the subject will spur an irate Newfoundlander to comment!)

Bianka got to go to Newfoundland, Kara to Nova Scotia, and Whitney to PEI. No love for New Brunswick, for some reason. They're the forgotten Maritime province. I've been there many a time. I was there this past summer, as a matter of fact. Sure, it's not as glamourous as the others but I'm sure they could have scouted out a decent location or two.

The episode started with Brad gazing pensively out a private jet's windows as he reflected on his three remaining potential brides. Bianka would make a great wife, but he's still waiting for her to trust him. Kara is an all-around nice person and most like him, but he wonders if he can be around a girl who's exactly like you expect. Yeah, consistency sucks. Better to get one of them mercurial models where you never know how the day is going to go. And, of course, Whitney and her eyebrows are hot. So much to consider.

The first fantasy date went to Bianka. They met in Ferryland, Newfoundland. I thought maybe they should have taken a day trip to Dildo. Yes, there's actually a town called Dildo. That's awesome. (On the topic of oddly-named town names, this time on the decidedly not awesome side, did you know there's a place in Ontario called Swastika? I kid you not. How is that even still allowed?)

Bianka showed her smarts right off the bat. They were standing near the water, in which sat a big (but surely shrinking) iceberg. At the mention of it, she said, "I didn't know what that was." She thought maybe it was a giant piece of foam floating on the water. She said that.

Brad thought it was time the two of them had an "adrenaline date" so the two of them kayaked out and around the Titanic killer. Bianka wasn't thrilled with the idea, especially given her fear of deep water, but she went along. Barely. She wasn't having fun. When Brad said he'd do the rowing, she said she'd help because she just wants "to get to this frickin' piece of foam and go." And once there, she said, "Let's just get out of here, please."

You just know Kara would have been all over such an adventure, laughing all the way. But it's clear Brad prefers drama in his women.

They got back to shore and Brad poured some vodka over glacier water before handing her the card. You know which card. Yeah, that card. Only this time it was signed by Tyler. I know that because each girl read his name. Glad to see the producers read this blog! I'm influential. Tyler is the guy's name. Got it. Tyler. Don't let me forget it.

Bianka didn't gladly jump at the chance to spend the night in the fantasy suite. She's a lady. Remember last week she said she wouldn't give up too much too soon. She's learned her lesson. Live and learn. She expressed her concerns that Brad was loving two others and reiterated that she had been cheated on multiple times before. Yeah, well, she should be used to it then, am I right, gals?!... No? Oh, okay.

But really, is it cheating if she knows about the other two? It's not like he's running around behind her back! Come on, this is 2012! Get with the program, Bianka!

So she said her piece and was therefore true to her word that she wouldn't give up too much too soon. Mission accomplished. Usually she jumps straight in on an offer like this, but this time it was a good five or ten minutes before she accepted. Because a lady waits. "Here's to our journey of love," she said. A helicopter whisked them away to St. John's and a bed covered in rose petals.

(Quick question: Has anyone in the history of real life sprinkled rose petals on their bed? And who cleans up that mess?)

She admitted to the cameras that she's "definitely falling in love with him" and she thinks she "can make him a very happy man." Presumably in the future, not in the fantasy suite, although probably there, too.

Don't know if you caught it, but there was a hilarious exchange as they sat gazing into each other's eyes. Brad said, "Whatever made you change your mind in Mexico, I'm glad you did." Then there was this long uncomfortable pause. He finally physically nodded to her, as if to say, "Your turn. You speak now." And she jumped right in with, "It was you." Finally she remembered her line.

The second date was in a place called Wallace, Nova Scotia, with Kara. She's just so full of life. Brad took her skeet shooting. As dull as that sounds, Kara was all over it. It truly was a dream date for her, god bless her. They got dressed in hunting gear and were given a lesson. The deal was, when one person got one, they got to open an envelope and read a question to the other person, who had to answer honestly. Problem was, they both sucked at skeet shooting. Brad said he had his Certification of Canadian Marksmanship, but that was for stationary targets not little plates whizzing by.

But he eventually snagged one. His question to Kara was, "What do you need from me to be happy?" She answered that she wants a family, not to take life too seriously, and live life to the fullest. Mutually exclusive wishes?

Next she hit one and asked Brad, "What are you looking for in a wife?" He said something about wanting someone with the same values and who can tolerate his annoyances as he will tolerate hers. Whoever he marries one day, that should be on the wedding vows: "Do you, Brad, promise to tolerate Kara's annoyances till death do you part?" Actually, now that I think about it, it's kind of funny but also maybe should be on people's vows.

The last question (that we saw, anyway) was for Kara from Brad: "What did you expect going into this and what has surprised you the most?" (I'm paraphrasing.) She said something about how she's now thinking of a future.

When the card came, she got all throaty and replied, "I would love to go upstairs." I thought of the three, she was hands-down the best. Not only for my tastes, but for his. They seemed like a great couple. We know now that she was the one let go. Too bad, but at least he's consistent in choosing the worst people available every week.

While she was still in the game, she said, "I'd be happy if he proposes. I'm definitely ready to start a life." Remember this when we get to his reasons for sending her home.

The last date was in PEI with Whitney. Brad said if she doesn't open up, it's a deal-breaker. But we all knew what he meant by that. She would just have to utter some meaningless platitude and he'd hear what he wants to hear. And that's exactly what happened.

They went lobster fishing, which is a bit of cliché but way more subtle than what might have been. It's probably the first time in the history of the smallest province that no reference was made to Anne of Green Gables. Well done, crew, well done.

They followed this adventure up with drinking in a hot tub, because that's always recommended. He asked her if she'd thought about what he told her at the last rose ceremony and she replied that she's had lots of time to think. "I can see myself with you in the end," she said and he was blown over. That's all he was looking for her to say! But what did she say? It was so vague and ambiguous. She didn't say she wanted to be with him in the end, just that she could see that being the outcome. And the end of what? Their lives? The series? Yeah, probably the latter.

And her lack of communication continued unabated, despite his warnings that he needed her to open up. At a sunset dinner, he did all the talking: "I hope that when you look at me you see someone who's good enough for you." No reply other than a simple, "Mm-hmm." Aw, she doesn't say the most beautiful things, doesn't she?!

When he handed her the fantasy suite card, she read it aloud. Brad asked, "What are your thoughts?" One word: "Absolutely." Those are some well-formed thoughts, I think you'll agree.

We never did see their suite I guess because Whitney created some drama away from Brad. She made a call to someone (a friend? her mother?) and was second-guessing if this is what she really wants. The person agreed that if she's not sure, she should tell Brad. Whitney said, "I don't know if I'm ready for the next step."

So at the rose ceremony, we were waiting anxiously for her to break up with him. As he walked about, Kara was the only one who actually smiled. Brad handed out the first rose to Bianka. Okay, Whitney, speak up now. Take Brad away for a moment. But then Brad picked up the second rose and called Whitney's name. Unbelievable. And she accepted! Before Kara got a chance to say goodbye to Brad, Whitney then said she had to speak to Brad.

They whispered on a porch. Whitney said, "I don't know what's wrong." Brad said, rightfully, "This is the most selfish thing you could have done, do you realize that?" She said, "Something doesn't feel right." Brad said, "This is not the time and place to do this." So you just knew it was over between them, right?

Wrong!

Unbelievable. All he wanted was for her to go apologize to Kara. That's it. Then business as usual. She was still hot, after all.

I was gobsmacked. Kara, the lovely Kara, was still all smiles. She said there was no need to apologize. Brad was morose as he walked her to her stretch Hummer, or whatever vehicle that was. "Do not feel bad for me at all," she said, proving she's the best of the three by a country kilometre (if you're American reading this, no we don't actually say that).

There was drama with both of the other two, but this is the girl he's sending home? Maybe she was the worst in the sack, er, sorry, in the fantasy suite. Who knows? But from what we've seen, he deserves to be alone. Although, if Whitney had done the honourable thing and not accepted the rose, there's no way Kara would or should have taken it. Then we'd be left with Bianka and no rival. And no rival equals no mystery, which equals no viewers.

What was particularly galling was his explanation to her for why he didn't select her: "Do I see it being further than dating for you?" It was awkwardly worded, but the sense was that he felt she wasn't ready to get married and he was. Now scroll back up to her answers to his questions earlier if you don't recall. She said she's ready, willing and able. At the car, she said, "I don't know, I would have loved to get married in the end." In the ride home she said, "I wanted to be with him forever. I really thought I was going to marry him."

Back in private, Whitney said, "I don't know what to think." Brad, treading water furiously, said, "Let's just get through this." Love is in the air! Can you feel it?!

He then goes in to kiss her and she... lets him. Nothing reciprocated at all. It was like he pulled a mannequin towards him. See, what's not to love/hate about this Canadian version?! It's as awesome/horrible as the real show. Brad said, "I still believe I could be the guy for her." Yes, keep telling yourself that, big fella.

Next week is the After the Final Rose episode and it's already been filmed! You know what that is? That's horse hockey, that's what that is. No invitation? Who are all these people in attendance? How did they hear of it? When was it filmed? Where was it shot? How can I be Canada's Reality Steve if I don't have these scoops?

Oh well, it looks good. Whitney gets brow-beaten and sheds a tear. This is really where whatisname will earn his big Canadian paycheque. Looking forward to it.

Tyler. Yes, Tyler. That's it.

Bachelor Canada: Babies, Bingo, Bellydancing and Bobsledding

What a busy day. Not only is it Halloween, but the start of the NBA season. What's a dad to do? And on top of it all, Bachelor Canada keeps chugging along. Actually, it's speeding along, as we discussed last week, but they're down to three now so we're almost done. Anyway, what I'm saying is the PVR got a good workout tonight.

This is, what? This was week 5 and it was hometown visits. To put that in proper perspective, Gabby said it best: It was her first date with Brad and she was taking him home to meet her family. Along with Gabrielle, the other three were Kara, Bianka and Whitney. Here's how it played out.

First up was a trip to Mississauga, Ontario, to visit Bianka's folks. She had only ever brought one guy home with her, she said. That had to be Kris Humphries, right? If you were dating an NBA player, you'd bring him home. But because this wasn't a regular occurrence, she was nervous and feeling like "a little giddy high school girl."

So unusual I'm surprised
I could find a Google image

Brad had previously thought the enigmatic one was high maintenance, but not anymore. They stop into an ice cream shop, where she's on a kiss-hello basis with the proprietor. She wanted Brad to guess which flavour was her favourite. He'd never guess, she said, because it was so unlikely. Hmm, made me think. Was it something obscure like pralines & cream? Or maybe it was surprising the other way: vanilla. Brad was stumped. All he knew was that his favourite ice cream is mint chocolate chip, which happens to be my whole family's favourite. Well blow me over with a feather! It's also Bianka's favourite! We must be the only people in the whole wide world who like such an unlikely flavour. I'm surprised ice cream makers even produce such a random flavour when so few people in the world like it.

Bianka told us that in previous relationships, she had given up too much too quick. She didn't say what, exactly, she had "given up" but she said she wouldn't make that mistake this time. She ain't giving 100%. She must have learned that from Humphries.

(Totally off topic, but here's a great trivia question for you: Which NBA player was once ranked ahead of Michael Phelps in swimming? Why, yes, you guessed it, Kris Humphries. They were 11 at the time, but still.)

She also said she has trust issues because she's been cheated on multiple times. Methinks she goes for the bad boys.

On the way to her parents' house, she broke the news to Brad that they don't speak English. Oh my God, what would he do?! He was sweating. They only spoke Croatian. I thought that smelled fishy. You can't raise a family in Mississauga and speak no English. You've got to know at least some.

Turns out my spidey senses were dead-on. When they arrived, Bianka started speaking Croatian to everyone, and they replied in kind, until the big reveal: It was all an elaborate prank on poor, unsuspecting Brad! Oh, those jokesters! With that kind of sense of humour, it was a given Brad would get along with them like a house on fire.

Bianka got her mom to tell Brad the amazing story of their own relationship. She came to Canada on a 4-week vacation, met her future husband, and they were married at the end of that month. That's the story they tell their kids, anyway. The real one probably involves the post office and a mail order. But hey, it worked. They've been happily married ever since.

Brad and Bianka actually seemed like a nice couple. He said it feels like a real relationship, like he's dating her. Hmm... that's good because... isn't he? Has this all been a ruse?!

Next up was visiting Kara's hometown of Vancouver. It was the real Vancouver experience, she told him, as they were standing under an umbrella at Granville Island. And as a long-time resident, I can concur. Only real Vancouverites don't use umbrellas. We're hardened by the rain.

Her uncle owned (or operated) a large boat and took the two of them on a tour of English Bay. They, too, looked like a cute couple. Brad said he feels least insecure around her.

Brad was going to meet Kara's mom, her sister, and her nephew (or "my world", as she described him). Her dad, apparently, was working in Saskatchewan and couldn't get time off, in the same way Bianka's parents don't speak English. But this time, the prank was also played on Kara. While they were eating, her father snuck up from behind and put his hands over her eyes. Surprise! He wouldn't miss this for the world.

Her dad asked about Brad's intentions and he replied with a lesson his own father, the good senator, taught him: He'd make mistakes along the way but he'd have everyone else's dignity and respect in mind. Good, solid advice. A good non-answer, too. Or a nice way of saying, "don't hold your breath."

It was here that Brad showed he's the son of a politician when he was handed the first of three babies. The nephew started crying, but Brad blew on its head (at least that's what it looked like to me) and the baby was calm and Gerber-like. Brad nodded cockily to Kara, as if to say, "That's how you do it."

He had the time of his life. He called her family "such good people" and said he didn't want to leave. "There was not an awkward moment in that entire night. It was just seamless," he said. In fact, as he was driving off, he thought, "Can I come back?" That's gotta be pretty telling. And on her part, Kara was the first to utter the L word. No, she's not a lesbian. She said, "I know 100% that I love him." Of course, Brad is an athlete (or sorts) so anything less than 110% is not enough.

The third date went to Gabrielle. Gabby wound up being the odd one out, not getting a rose, so let's look back now to see if there were any hints.

She met Brad at a coffee shop in rainy Oakville, Ontario. She told him she'd never brought anybody home to meet her whole family before. He was going to meet 10 people, including aunts, cousins, siblings, nephews. Whatever a typical family consists of. But first, she had a surprise for him.

She took him to a seniors' rec centre to show that she has a soft side, that's she's not 100% crazy and cutting. She volunteers twice a week there. She and Brad sat down and joined in four or five others in a rousing game of Bingo. Brad was the life of the party being faux competitive. When he'd lose, he'd say things like, "Horse radish!" or "Cinnamon and gravy!" to fit in. More than in any other episode, I thought he really showed his winning personality and qualities.

When the game ended, a very stilted Gabby said in monotone, "Thanks for playing Bingo with us. So let's go meet my parents." It's probably something the producers made her say and that was her way to not play along even thought she was contractually obligated.

At her house, Brad fixed the hair of the second baby of the episode, looking like a total natural. Gabby's cousin, Paris, was "out of control," she thought. He was flambouyantly pretend-hitting on Brad. And for a football player, he took it all in stride. In fact, when it was time to say goodbye, he gave Paris a peck on the cheek, then giggled all the way out the door.

So far, nothing to go on as far as why she didn't get a rose. But maybe it was the reaction of the aunt and sister. Her sister said, "If you marry Gabby..." and her aunt mentioned that she couldn't wait for offspring. That can scare a guy off.

Or maybe it was the belly dancing he was forced into. Although he seemed to be having fun. And then there was Gabby's reaction. While the aunt thought Brad was swinging his hips just fine and quite liked watching him move, Gabby snottily said it was "just embarrassing." Even though she volunteers with old folks, my sense is she could be a handful. Paris says she's just shy. Her mom says she's never comfortable around many guys and keeps to herself a lot.

Still, Brad characterized the visit as a "home run." You see, Brad, this is why you're not in the CFL anymore. A real football player would have called it a "touchdown."

The final hometown visit was to Calgary, Alberta, to see Whitney, "possibly the hottest girl [he's] ever seen in [his] life." Incidentally, at the top of the show when he said that quote, did you notice they also threw in another quote. He had a different sound to his voice, so I'm sure it was said at a different time. And he didn't mention any name, so he could have said it about anyone. The quote was, "She's here for the right reasons." They edited the episode in such a way as to make us wonder about her intentions and her inner feelings. Hey, no need, producers. We've been wondering about them all season long.

The crux of the issue was that she doesn't express herself. At all. She explains it as she just gets shy and/or speechless around him. It ultimately won't matter because Brad thinks she's hot. That trumps all to most guys. And to football players, even more so. He couldn't keep his arms off her.

Whitney took Brad to a mountain where they'd bobsled down, going around 14 turns at 100 km/hour, proving two things: 1. bobsled is a real thing outside the Olympics, and 2. anyone can do it. Seriously, how dangerous can it be if these two neophytes can put on some lycra and reach such speeds. I think in the Olympics, the gold medal should go to gravity.

Interesting side note: the bobsled expert, all geared up in Canada gear looking like he might have been a Canadian Olympian, spoke with an Australian accent.

At her parents' house, Whitney's mom gushed, calling Brad "beautiful" and saying, "imagine the babies."

Speaking of babies, Whit's twin sister had one. Funny that all three babies were roughly the same age. Again, Brad handled it like a pro. He even kissed the baby. His dad would be proud.

And speaking of dads, Whitney's pater was a distinguished looking gentleman in his 50s, I'm guessing, with short white hair and... two sleeves of tattoos running up and down his arms. I gotta admit that's a little intimidating and I take back anything negative I may have written about the lovely Whitney. It was all in fun! Heh-heh. I'm certain it was the editors who gave any impression at all that she was somehow conniving. Remember how I liked her in the first episode, before the dastardly editors got too involved?

The editors even got to her twin sister. They had her saying, "Whitney will get what she wants," but I'm sure it was all taken out of context.

At dinner, her father spoke eloquently about how happy Whitney looks with Brad. In fact, it's the happiest she's ever looked. While he's waxing poetically, Whitney stares daggers at the table cloth. Dad then turned the questioning on to her, and she hemmed and hawed about her feelings towards Brad, ultimately deflecting the question. That got Brad's attention. He still thinks she's amazing, but he needed a serious conversation with her. "Do I really know who this person is? Maybe she's pulling the wool over my eyes," he said, before remembering how hot she is and waking up from that reflective soliloquy.

Whitney wasn't enamored with her father at that moment. "Dad was supposed to be asking Brad questions, not me," she said.

She admitted that there were awkward silences and an awkward tension at the house, but she was still confident she'd get a rose. And we know she did. At the rose ceremony, the host dude (they still haven't repeated his name; don't the producers read this influential blog??) solemnly told the four women that Brad had made up his mind. So then Brad comes out and steals Whitney away for a moment first. Why? If what the host dude said was true, it's clear that it didn't matter what Whitney would say, she was getting a rose.

Brad told her, "Ever since I left your house, the wheels have just been absolutely turning. You come in and you're this intense person and you're intensely after me, and I totally dig it. You have so many amazing qualities about you. Like, man, this could be the girl. But sitting down with your family the other day while your dad was talking, he's so expressive the way he talks. He doesn't hide his emotions. And with you, every time we get into a situation where something needs to be said, you don't say it. It bothers me how emotionally closed off you are. I try my best to reassure you all the time about what I'm feeling. I want you to seriously think if that's something you can do for me."

She rocked back and forth and pouted while he was talking, then answered somewhat cryptically, "I know I can. And I would 100% regret if I went home and I didn't tell you. Because it's there. It's 100%." What's there? A feeling, I guess. What kind of feeling? She didn't say but led us to believe it was some kind of romantic, positive feeling.

Again, it didn't matter what she said because she was still hot. So she got the rose. Of course, the producers made him hand it to her last. The roses went in order to Kara, who got a big smile from Brad and an eyes-closed hug, then Bianka, who also got a big smile. With Whitney, no smile. But she got a rose and Gabby didn't, and isn't that what it's really all about?

When the three roses were handed out, the host dude earned his money by coming out and announcing, "Gabrielle, I'm sorry, there's no rose for you tonight. But I'd like you to take a moment and say your goodbyes." Nice job, host dude! Now go cash that big cheque!

And Gabby was almost reasonable on her limo ride exit. "It's been a helluva ride," she said. She thought he made a mistake, and that's a common feeling on getting dumped. But then she launched into her patented, "People can't handle the truth" routine, adding, "Maybe I should like, maybe I should sugarcoat things a little bit more." Not sure what "truth" Brad couldn't handle. And she also got one last dig in at Whitney, warning, "Mr. Smith, choose wisely."

I believe it's fantasy suite week next week. We'll see if Bianka really won't give up too much too soon this time. See you then.

Bachelor Canada: Zipping along

Wow, is this thing ever moving along rapidly. This was the fourth episode and we're down to the final four already. And don't forget, one Canadian episode = 90 minutes rather than the bloated 2-hour American version. Even though they keep telling us Brad is making these decisions, I've got to think he's being guided. If the network wanted the show strung out a bit longer, he'd be eliminating one or two per show, not four a week. I guess it isn't the cash cow the original series is. Too bad.

Too-Tall McGhee

Last week I suggested someone should mention the host's name once or twice just to put it in our heads. My wife read that and emailed me an article on the guy, name and all. Which went in one eye and out the other. Or something like that, because I don't remember what it is again.

That gangly host told the women at the start of the show that Brad insisted he needs more time with the frontrunners so he'd be eliminating four more. Is anyone buying that excuse? Sure, he says he's starting to develop deep and "intimate" feelings, but the more women he eliminates, the shorter the series will run, meaning less time, not more, with his favourite(s). Or maybe he just wants to hurry things along to the anticipated fantasy suite so he can act on those intimate feelings.

Tonight, Gabrielle continued her record of never uttering a sentence without invoking the name of Whitney. She started off saying she thinks she's going to get a rose and, indeed, hopes she's going to get a rose. Not because she digs Brad or anything, but "so I can shove it in Whitney's face." Who's there for the wrong reasons?

The first date was a 4-on-1 with Ana, Kara, Gabby and Britany and they got to shoot an 8-page spread in Lulu magazine. Or something that sounded like Lulu magazine. I'd never heard of it and Brad mumbled both times he mentioned it. There's money well spent, Lulu! (Just Binged it: it's actually LouLou magazine.)

While Gabby was always reminding us about Whitney, Britany told us she was a small-town girl every time she opened her mouth. And an insecure one at that. The Swift Current native was also intimidated. She wasn't sure her connection with Brad was the same as some of the others. And, in case you missed it, she's a small-town girl. Note to self: small-town girls like to cry a lot.

On Gabby's photo shoot, she and Brad got to make out in a limo. I almost didn't recognize her as she was heavily made-up. It was almost clown make-up. Not attractive. Since Whitney wasn't on this date, Gabby felt the need to attack someone else. Britany was her victim. She said professional hair and make-up people can make anyone look good. Irony – I love it!

Britany had other things on her mind. She was all worried about potentially introducing Brad to her family. Here's the problem: the girls barely know Brad. It's way, way too soon to be meeting families. So what this has done is force somebody like Britany, who wouldn't even have been in this position if they had taken their time, to open up way too soon. Not only that, but open up about her family on national TV. I get that in small towns, everybody knows everybody else's business, but maybe her dad didn't need his problems exposed like that. I'm not even going to mention them here.

Brad said he'd normally give a rose just for being so brave about opening up, but in this rushed format he had to take his time. One woman was supposed to get a rose but he said he wasn't in the right frame of mind to make such a rational decision.

Back at the mansion, Whitney wasn't going to wait around for Brad. She took control and ran off to find him. She said she had a pretty good idea where he was. Okay, fair enough. So she gets to the hotel, but knows to go up to the fifth floor? And has a hunch which room he's in? She's amazing.

Brad was "so happy" she was there but worried if she or he would "get in trouble" for her shenanigans. Maybe he hasn't even seen an episode so it's a fair question. But if he had, he not only would have known it was fair game, but he'd know that it's always the beautiful sociopath that pulls the move.

All she says is that she really wants him to meet her family. Then somehow he feels the need to open up to her about the deaths of two of his best friends. Not sure how that came up, but it was very emotional for him. And they are the reasons he got that giant hideous tattoo on his chest. I suppose I can't make fun of it now. But couldn't it have been more discreet? You know, I've spoken to plenty of old people who have had tragic losses when they were young, and none of them have forgotten even without the aid of a tattoo. But yes, it was sad so I'll say no more.

He also revealed to Whitney that for a while he treated people terribly until a couple years ago, when he started being the nice guy he is now. So it was an emotional one-way conversation. Whitney sat there stoically. Of course they kissed when he was finished and she said she was glad he told her, but one got the sense she was only glad because it gave her the upper hand in the competition. In fact, she then said, "I better get that 1-on-1 date!" You see, she does exhibit empathy!

The 2-on-1 date was next and it was a doozy because one of them would be going home. If you've read my previous missives, you'll know my favourite has been Laura B. So a date with her and the almost NBA wife Bianka was a no-brainer. Bianka had been the most closed off of anyone. This date was all Laura's. Done deal.

They flew to Paris. Yes, that Paris. Not Paris, Ontario. Not Paris, Texas. The real deal. On the date card, they called it the City of Love. With a group that didn't know the Big Easy was New Orleans, you could be sure they wouldn't be sure about the City of Love. Was it New York? No, that's the Big Apple. Yeah, but it could be called something else. Was it Oakville, Ontario? No, that was a joke. But whatever, surely they couldn't be going to Paris, France. This is Bachelor Canada! Canadian shows don't do things like this.

Well, they do, but then they blow their budget in the first three weeks and have to pull the rip cord early.

So Laura B. met Brad in front of the Eiffel Tower in the pouring rain. It was sexy. They kissed under the tower. There was passion. There was cheesy accordion music. But Brad couldn't let go of the night Laura had "an emotional meltdown." You know what I call that? Just about any episode in the history of the show, just about any contestant in the history of the show, and just about any woman in the history of womankind. What's the big deal? She had some wine and her hormones were kicking in. Other than that, she seems utterly delightful.

They then went to Brad's room, changed into the hotel robes and drank wine. He admitted he gets nervous around her. As he should. One of them said, "I like how we are together." Can't remember who but the other one agreed. I like how they are together, too.

It was make it or break it for Bianka. Her guard was still up. She said she can't see herself being engaged after this. Smart cookie, sure, but is that what you're looking for, Brad?

They stop at a creperie and Brad effortlessly converses in French with the server. It made me proud, for some strange reason even though I don't speak French. When he got up to leave, leaving Bianka behind, she called out, Au revoir in the worst French I've heard since grade 8. It made me the opposite of proud.

Bringing the two women together the plan was to take a carriage ride for three around the city. But we know enough about Brad to know he makes up his mind quickly. So right there on a bridge he gave the rose to... Bianka! Unbelievable. But Laura B. was a trooper. She smiled and waved them off. In her goodbye interview she fought back some tears but still laughed as she said, "I love how much of a goofball he is." Then, to prove she's not an emotional juvenile after all, she said, "That's how life goes." Que sera, sera and all that. Let this be an audition for many future dates. If there's a Bachelorette Canada, my vote is for Laura B.

The 1-on-1 date was between Whitney and the virginal Chantelle. No surprise as he picked Whitney, leaving Chantelle as the only one not to get a date this week. The chaste one said it's "definitely hard to not be pursued."

So Brad flew back from Paris and met Whitney in Penticton where, after a leaping leg wrap-around greeting, they took a helicopter to Diamondback Wall to face Brad's biggest fear. I can't believe one would have a fear of rappelling only. He must also fear heights. Anyway, they attempted (and, spoiler alert, completed!) a simulated rock rescue.

Whitney descended first while Brad fretted and almost lost his lunch. But if we know anything about daredevil stunts, extreme sports and relationships, they're all about trust. That's why in the history of extreme sports, not a single couple has ever divorced or caused the other to mistrust them. Because if you can trust them in extreme situations, it's a given you can trust them 100% of the time in real life situations. Or so goes the silly Bachelor narrative they trot out each and every season. "Trust is huge in a relationship," said Brad. "For Whit to trust me, we're in a really good place."

After their successful descent, they went to my favourite summer getaway, Osoyoos, and the gorgeous Spirit Ridge winery. Whitney admitted that she doesn't "verbalize my emotions very well." Brad wanted to see her soft side, so she talked about butterflies in her stomach. She's a gamer, that one.

Back at the mansion, Chantelle got a phone call from her dad. She was super excited. Actually, maybe not. She was how she naturally is, which always seems super excited. Not knowing what he was going to say, she took the call on speaker phone. Turns out her grandpa died and there'd be a funeral the next day. Well, he said Saturday, but when she finally left she said "tomorrow". I'm guessing she might have stayed a night but it was edited to look like all one day.

Needless to say, she packed her bags and left. Brad was understanding, as expected. But maybe he wouldn't have picked her anyway since she didn't go on a date. We don't know. It was a little suspicious when he said, "I always look forward to spending any time with her." Except when there are seven other women to choose from, apparently.

So with Laura B. and Chantelle gone, that leaves only Kara as my favourite. I guess Brad and I are very different people. (I can hear my wife smirking and agreeing completely. I'm taking that as a positive.)

Whitney isn't in love. And how could she be in such a short time? But, as she said, "I can't see it going any other way." She also said no one else has a chance against her. She's probably right, but that's no reflection on them or her. Although it's a very real reflection on her manners.

Was it just me or did Whitney look different all throughout the show? I couldn't put my finger on it. But just one look at those bushy eyebrows and cartoon boobs and I knew it was her.

With a rose, a 1-on-1 date, and a secret rendezvous in Brad's room, Whitney still felt the need to make her presence felt at the cocktail party. While Gabby sat down with Brad, Whitney waltzed in to interrupt. Even Brad couldn't believe it. He said, "What?" as it was happening, in a kind of incredulous way, but didn't put a stop to it. Gabrielle called Whitney the "devil. She's evil. Very evil."

With six left standing at the rose ceremony, and with Whitney and Bianka already avec rose, only two roses would be handed out. The first one went to Kara, showing Brad has some semblance of taste, afterall. He picked up the second and last rose but then needed to walk away. When he returned he told them he needed some extra time because he realized he didn't have a clue. Throughout it all, Britany smiled hopefully. Would she get it? Or would it go to Ana, with the supermodel body? Or maybe quirky little Gabrielle, for reasons unknown?

What most likely happened was the producers told Brad to pick Gabrielle. He picked up the rose but couldn't do it. So he walked off for a meeting with them and they read him the riot act. "Listen, bub, you're going to do as we say and pick that mouthy little one. Don't you understand good TV?... Er, I mean, she's marriage material!"

And so it was Gabby. We didn't see if she then shoved the rose in Whitney's face. Instead we got our goodbyes. Because of the quick nature of the series, neither had developed that strong a relationship so they were both fine with it. Ana said she'd miss his jokes. And Britany continued smiling, although she "really hopes she can get past this funk."

That was it. Next week is the hometown visits. Just like that. It's looking like Whitney all the way but they do tease us that Brad emotionally wonders at some point if he even knows a particular woman, and that can only be Whitney. No other of the final four would elicit emotion from him.

I wonder where the After the Final Rose show will be filmed. And I wonder if the producers will invite me. It's the least they could do for all my fine blogging. I'm a pussycat in person. And I promise I won't hit on Laura B.