Bachelorette Desiree: To B or not to B

These guys would be a better fit for Des

My wife's work has a Bachelorette pool going. Yesterday afternoon she asked me who she should pick. I responded I didn't even know who was in it. Do people actually remember these bozos after one viewing? Hell, it takes me half a season to figure out who's who. I swear I didn't know who at least half the guys were at the final rose ceremony last night.

Last week I said it was a really uninspiring group of guys – perhaps the worst group ever. After week 2, I stand by my opinion. I realize things can change but they didn't last night. Desiree begs to disagree. She said, "I couldn't have asked for a better group of guys!" Maybe that statement was borne out of desperation. She certainly looked desperate the way she was aggressively attacking their tonsils with her tongue at every given opportunity.

Brooks got the first date. He looked marginally better, perhaps because he was more relaxed. And he seemed like a decent enough dude on their date. Des reminded us that she has a "desire and a passion to design wedding dresses." So what better activity than to go out and try on wedding dresses made by other people? Brooks got in on the act, too, and when they were suitably suited, they took to the town.

[cough] Hollywood! [cough]

In "her" baby blue Bentley, they drove to the hills and sat on the Hollywood sign. Looking over Los Angeles, Brooks marvelled that it was "like you're floating on clouds." Uh, that's smog, Country Mouse.

He told her about his last relationship, which didn't end well. Des, proving that when you like someone you see connections that aren't really there, said that what Brooks went through in his last relationship was just like her experience. And any other human being's experience, save for the statistically insignificant proportion of the population who marry their first love and live happily ever after.

At night, Des, who did all the driving, took a wrong turn into a seedy part of the city. There were sirens, graffiti and razor blade wiring. Oh, and a camera crew. Still, Brooks played along like they were at risk. Des saw a road blocked off and decided to move the signs and head on down that lonesome road. I was on the edge of my seat... on the way to turn off the TV for insulting my intelligence like that. Is anyone under the illusion that anything on this show is done in the spur of the moment without months of planning? Didn't think so.

Sure enough, in the middle of a bridge, a fancy table and meal were set up, complete with accompanying chandelier. They sat and got to know each other better. Brooks wanted to know more about her family. Just spit it out, man: "What the hell is up with your brother?!" But no, he left it at a more generic level and Des just talked about her parents. She then turned the tables on him and asked about how his coming from a broken home might affect his family aspirations. He stumbled slightly before figuring out an out: He'd choke up over the time he didn't get to spend with his dad and say he wants to have time with his own family that he didn't get as a kid.

Guaranteed Rose Just Ahead

Brooks got the rose for being "so open and vulnerable." Which is a lesson to future contestants: fake vulnerability. It's a sure-fire guarantee of a rose.

Further down the deserted bridge was a stage and a guy named Andy Grammer, who I'd never heard of but it looked like Des knew because she was singing along. And of all the lousy, gawdawful bands they get to serenade couples with on this show, this guy might be the best. Which isn't to say I'd ever buy his stuff, but he looked great in comparison.

Desiree's dance teacher

As someone who doesn't dance, I may not be in the best position to judge others, but did anyone else think Desiree had the same spasmodic dancing qualities as Elaine Benes?

The funniest line of the episode came from the nebbishy Chris. "I came here to spend time with Des and I've yet to get a date card," he whined precisely one week and one date card into the proceedings. I realize he may very well have said that much later on and this is the fault of the producers/editors, but I'm just going by what they're showing us.

The group date saw 14 guys make a rap video with an artist named Soulja Boi. First they auditioned for the lead roles by doing some freestyling. One guy, I forget who, started his off with "Roses are red, violets are blue" so you know he's got hella street cred. One might assume that Will, the only African-American in the group, might have the upper hand but he performed more like the banker that he is. He said, "I did absolutely terrible."

The guys played caricatures of former Bachelorette contestants, such as Wes, the Wrassler, and Mesnick. Brandon had to do his sans pants. No idea what guy he was supposed to be.

Throughout the show, we were subject to those very distracting Tweets. Look, I like Twitter as much as the next person but I can go there to read if I want. Anything that pulls focus from what's on screen can't help in the long run. If our brains are processing the words we're reading, we may hear what's being said but it's not registering in the same way. Or if my eyes are diverted to the bottom of the screen, I may miss a subtle look or kiss or whatever. I've said from the beginning, if you insist on showing Tweets, do it during the montages of scenery.

But one came through that was an instant classic:

I wish the tweets at the bottom of the screen would go away on the bachelorette. #noonecares
— Alexa Stout (@AlexaStout) June 4, 2013

How about we all agree to Tweet variations on that theme for the next show? Inundate them with messages of protest. We can win this battle! Alexa Stout can be the Susan B. Anthony of the anti-Tweet movement!

At the after-rap wrap party, the formerly shirtless Zak W. presented Des with an "antique" journal. I use quotation marks because the inscription, from father to daughter, read fairly modern, as did the penmanship. But I'm nitpicking. The gesture was still hollow.

Everyone had it out for Ben. Now, don't get me wrong, Ben looks smug but it puzzles me how everyone can be so against the guy yet the cameras haven't given us any solid evidence.

Mikey, the Fat Tom Selleck, took Ben outside to raise his concerns about him. He said, "You're nice to us when the cameras are rolling." So that explains some of it. But when everyone's talking about one guy, couldn't the producers go about trying to get some film of him to corroborate the story? Anyway, Ben disarmed Mikey by complimenting him on his shoes. Yeah, that happened.

There was a rose on the line and some said they should just all forget about it and go about having a fun evening. Ben, however, told us he was old-fashioned so he needs to pursue the girl. Not so old-fashioned that he won't have a child out of wedlock, but old-fashioned in the same way the journal was "antique."

Just once...

Ben talked to Des about his son, and Des said all the right things. She's open to all that and a guy with a kid doesn't scare her at all. Just once I'd like to see a Bachelor/ette say that kids are a deal breaker.

Michael G, a federal prosecutor, sat down with her and began with a pet peeve of mine. He talked about "my mother, my sister, my nana." Excuse me? Your what? Nana is a name you call your grandmother. If you're going to use the actual term, i.e. mother, sister, etc., the correct continuation would be "my grandmother" – even if you call your grandmother Nana, Grannie, or Dave. It would be like calling your sister Jane, "my Jane." Got it? Good.

Brandon, who was parading around pantsless a few hours earlier, was stiff and humourless that night... You know what I mean... He needed to talk to Des so he could give her the hard sell: "I'm not an Ivy Leaguer, I don't have a billion dollar business, blah, blah, blah." There had to be a good "but" in there, right? What would it be? But I am the most loyal and loving man you'll ever meet? But I have a huge penis? What? Here's what he said: "But I was born." Actually, it's not as dumb as it sounds because I would have sworn he was a robot the way he was talking.

He went on to talk about his broken home, his mom being a drug addict, and how he had to raise his siblings even though he was only 11. He ended it by saying, "I wanna come home to you and love you." Too soon, buddy. It's only week 2.

It's no wonder she gave the group date rose to Ben. He was the Andy Grammer to the other guys' former bands on the show: only good in comparison.

From left: Brooks, Ben, Bryden

The final date went to Bryden. She clearly likes her B-boys: Brooks, Ben and Bryden. Out came the Bentley and they went on a road trip culminating at a spa in Ojai, California. We saw them briefly on a beach along the way, and driving around. At dinner, she said she "hasn't laughed that hard in so long." I guess the cameras were reloading at that point. They miss a lot, don't they? No Ben misdeeds, no gut-busting laughs.

Bryden, an Iraq war vet, told Des about a horrible car accident he had in his early 20s. Not only that, he showed her photos. Yes, over dinner. But it worked. She gave him a rose for "opening up." See, I told you it works.

At the swimming pool, Bryden kept talking as she stared love daggers at him. There'd be a break in conversation and I said – twice, yet – "Just kiss her already." The third time, Desiree said, "Just kiss me already!" Good on her for taking the bull by the horns instead of doing nothing and then complaining that he didn't act. But I still can't help but think of her brother watching this. I'd watch a whole other season of him watching this series. 

At the cocktail party, Des's hair, kinda puffy and parted in the middle, made her look remarkably like that other cutie, Kacie B. God, I miss her. Can I just take a moment to reflect on how cute she was?...

Ahh, that's better

Thank you.

Michael, the federal prosecutor, had some big news he had to get off his chest. He sat down with Des and said, "There's something I want to tell you." The news was he has had Type I Diabetes since he was 16. How about just bringing it up in conversation so it doesn't sound like such a big deal? I mean, I know it's kind of a big deal, but why play it up?

In the middle of his heartfelt talk, Ben, with his rose clipped to his lapel, interrupts and whisks Des away for a private chat outside. That's the dick move we've been waiting to see to prove he's a scumbag! Finally. Okay, I'm starting to get it. But my question is why would she go with him? How about this, Des?: "Oh, Ben, I'm just talking to Michael right now. And since you have a rose, we'll have lots of time to talk but I just want to make sure everyone else gets a fair chance, too. Thanks."

The other fellas were steaming on behalf of Michael. Several of them give him a stern talking to outside, where he stands with a silly grin and red cheeks. Michael later said he was shocked he didn't have his son go in and interrupt them. Objection, your Honour! Low blow!

Of course, there was other interrupting going on, as there always will be. Shiny Forehead Brian interrupted Sacrificial Will but we didn't see any of the original conversation because the producers didn't want us to get attached to the high-fiving banker.

With Brooks, Ben and Bryden already safe, that left 13 other roses to hand out, while three would be sent home. Moving on are:

1. Wide James, the intense big guy who wants to grow old and fat (selected 8th last week)
2. Kasey, the annoying hashtag guy who thankfully was shut out of the final edit this week (selected 7th last week)
3. Dan. I have no idea who this guy is (selected 11th last week)
4. Juan Pablo, the soccer pro (selected 5th last week)
5. Brad, the chicken wishbone guy – that's all I know about him (selected 6th last week)
6. Nebbishy Chris, who got down on one knee to tie his shoelace (selected 12th last week)
7. Shiny Forehead Brian, who wears a suit and tie to work every day (selected 10th last week)
8. Zak W., the formerly shirtless one (pre-selected last week)
9. Drew, with the manly jaw, alcoholic father and mentally handicapped sister (pre-selected last week)
10. Mikey, Fat Tom Selleck (selected 13th last week)
11. Zack K, the book publisher in sneakers (selected 2nd last week)
12. Michael, the Type I federal prosecutor (pre-selected last week)
13. Brandon, the adrenaline junkie with the former-junkie mom (selected 1st last week)

If you're keeping score at home, two other B boys went through to next week. That meant good-bye to Sacrificial Will, who got "too far in the friend zone" instead of the end zone, if you know what I'm talking about (selected 3rd last week), Robert, the sign-spinning entrepreneur , who said, "I didn't see it coming" even though we all did (selected 9th last week), and Nick, the horrible poet (pre-selected last week). Neither of the three have names starting with B. Coincidence? Something to watch for, I'd say.

And that's all she wrote. And by "she" I mean "I". I don't often refer to myself in the feminine third person but watch enough of this series and one starts to feel girlish.

Bachelorette Desiree: Not a lot to choose from

What, you thought I'd forsake you? You thought I'd skip one of the cutest Bachelorettes of all time? You thought I'd miss the joy of watching multiple dudes meeting her brother? Absolutely not! I'm back.

First episodes of any season are always a bit of a mess. We don't know who anybody is and future weirdos look normal at this stage and vice versa, so what's the point of writing about them?

This season's bachelors

I will say that this group of guys is the weakest group I've ever seen. There isn't one who looks like a favourite, let alone one that I could see living happily ever after with Des. I saw on their the show's  endless and disruptive Twitter feed that some people think these guys are the hottest hunks ever. Maybe so, but personality-wise, they're duds. So far, anyway.

So I don't have much to write about. Of the 25 contestants, I only sort of liked a few of them: Will, the high-fiving black yoga enthusiast, Drew, with the alcoholic dad and severely mentally handicapped sibling (so they have that in common anyway); Brooks, whose looks won't keep him around until the end but seems like a decent and normal guy; Dan, who I've completely forgotten about; and Ben, who used his son as a prop to stick around.

#soright

Of the others, I couldn't stand Kasey, a social media guru, who hasn't figured out that hashtags are last year's news. Every time he opened his mouth, he uttered another stupid slogan preceded by a verbal hashtag. Hashtags are bad enough on Twitter. They're pointless on Facebook. And uttering them is utterly moronic. #makehimstop

Jonathan, a lawyer, thought it would be funny to invite Des to his own special fantasy suite, but Des let him know in no uncertain terms she's not that kind of girl.

Jonathan has so much to give

Presumably that means a girl with a sense of humour. What did she think he was going to do with a cameraman and producer standing in there with them? Okay, granted he did say his goal was to "kiss her on the mouth." And said that his "love tank has not been depleted for years." How could she refuse such a romantic wordsmith? He pushed it so far even after being rebuffed, leading her to the door of his lair that she gave him the old heave-ho right then and there, his love tank spilling over as he slunk off.

Mikey the plumber doesn't have a moustache and is stockier, but he reminds me of Tom Selleck. Just me?

Zak wore no shirt coming out of the limo, nor throughout the whole night, because he's in love with his own abs, which serve to distract Des from noticing he's got nothing else to offer. Inexplicably she rewards him with a rose for taking off his pants and jumping in the pool. Which may go to prove my point that there's not a lot to choose from this season.

Diogo, who apparently was told it was Halloween, exited the limo wearing a knight costume. If the guy were a cocky blowhard, it would be so much easier to ridicule him. But he was a sweet, shy man who was obviously given some very bad advice.

This one was better than Nick's

Nick M. drew the short straw from the producers and had to quickly scrawl down a horrible rhyming verse to read to her upon introduction. Luckily for him, Des said, "Thank you! I love poetry!" Which loosely translates to, "Please go away now."

I don't like the precedent Sean set by handing out roses willy-nilly instead of waiting for the ceremony. But Chris Harrison gave her that option so the snipped flowers were sitting there on a tray for all to see and fret over. I was hoping Desiree wouldn't exercise her right. What's to gain by handing out the roses early? If the person stays normal all night, they'll get one in due course. But handing one out early could lead to a disastrous results if the person goes on to get his freak on... Oh, wait, not I get why the producers like this option. I'm slow but I eventually clue in.

Brandon, the adrenaline junkie who arrived on a motorbike, gave Desiree a coin his mother gave him when she got sober seven years ago. But not to keep. Des had to promise to return it at the hometown visit, putting his wish cart before the reality horse.

Dr. Larry in 20 years

Oh, I forgot about the creepy doctor, Larry, who was obsessively taking off and putting back on his spectacles. And when he was wearing them, he'd peer over the top of his them like John Houseman in Paper Chase. The guy actually seemed to possess a self-deprecating sense of humour when he was with the others, but once alone with Des he came off as quietly disturbing. If I didn't know he was an ER doctor, I would have guessed gynaecology or podiatry.

One other problem with handing out premature roses is it becomes next to impossible to keep track of who's staying and who's going, since they don't show all of them. I know that Ben, Zak, Bryden, and Drew each got one prior to the ceremony. That's four. And at the ceremony, she handed out 13 more, for a total of 17. We saw three exit interviews, bringing our total to 20. Add fantasy suite Jonathan and we're up to 21. But we started with 25 guys so I don't know everyone who's left and I don't care enough to go Bing it. We'll just catch up next week. Meanwhile, here are the 13 winners:

1. Brandon, the adrenaline junkie
2. Zack K, the book publisher in sneakers
3. Will, the high-fiving black dude
4. Brooks
5. Juan Pablo, the South American former soccer pro
6. Brad, who carries around a chicken wishbone
7. Kasey, #baddecision
8. James, the intense big guy who wants to grow old and fat
9. Robert, the sign spinning entrepreneur
10. Brian, who wore a blue velvet jacket and jeans because he wears a suit and tie every day for work
11. Dan
12. Chris, the Seattleite who got down on one knee and asked Des for permission to tie up his shoelace
13. Mikey, the dimpled plumber

We saw Dr. Larry, Nick the magical suit maker, and Diogo the knight in dull armor leaving the mansion with their proverbial tails between their actual legs.

As for Michael, who searched for a penny in the fountain, Mike R, in the white lab coat, Micah, who designed his own patchwork clothing, and the horrible poet Nick M, I'll have to wait until next week to see which are still around. Or you could always tell me in the comments section! There's an idea.

Bachelor Sean finale: Oh. My. Gosh.

Sorry we're a little late here but I needed time to wrap my head around what happened last night. I'm still recovering. Flabbergasted, I was. I did not see this coming. I may be alone in this, but I never warmed up to the Seattle hippie, Catherine. Nice enough gal. Good looking. Seems fairly intelligent. I can't put my finger on what it is exactly, but if it weren't for the fact she was the ultimate winner, she had the personality of a typical anonymous contestant who goes by under the radar each week. 

Yes, damn you

I could have sworn Lindsay would be anointed Mrs. Sean. Was it the editors playing games with us? Perhaps. When we saw Catherine looking like she was getting cold feet and Lindsay so confident, it was unlikely they would allow the show to play out exactly like that. So they were giving us a bit of the old misdirection. But still, they couldn't manufacture the goo-goo eyes Sean was giving Lindsay the whole episode or the standoffishness directed at his soon-to-be-bethrothed.

While I liked Lindsay quite a bit more, they were an odd final two. Both had a youthful immaturity that's often cast aside as "not being ready to settle down" in this series. But Sean's his own man. Besides, it's not as if the track record of more mature winners in the past is anything to be proud of. So this pairing might actually work. Or, most likely, not.

Slow news day

The episode started off with Chris Harrison breathlessly telling us there's some late-breaking news he'll share with us on After the Final Rose. Ooh, what would it be?! They've broken up? They got married in Vegas already? No, nothing so exciting. Turns out that... wait for it... they're going to get married at... wait... some undetermined date in the future! Are you all tingly inside?! Oh, and since they met on TV, they're going to allow ABC to film the wedding. Isn't that a given? Hasn't every Bachelor wedding been on TV? And haven't there only been, like, two?

That's gotta hurt

Anyway, we sat through two hours in Thailand first. I was excited to see a passing glimpse of a neck-ring lady. I remember being fascinated by a photo in National Geographic (or maybe Ripley's Believe It Or Not) when I was a kid of a woman with a giraffe-like neck thanks to rings stacked from the shoulders up. I don't know why they do it – maybe it's how they treat whiplash there? – but it's freaky.

Sean's family met him and would meet both of the women for, apparently, 20 minutes each. Who knew the visit was such a whirlwind? Sean told his family that Catherine comes from a "great family." Huh. Was it the two evil sisters who told him Catherine wasn't ready to settle down yet or their single mother? Certainly not the absent father. Not to slight them (I come from a single-parent family with two evil sisters*, and we grew up in a run-down house, too). It's just that I wouldn't expect Mr. America who grew up in a mansion with both parents to consider anything less than that to be "great."

*If they're reading this, I'm just kidding.

I'll drink to that

Sean told the gathering he didn't know he could have such strong feelings for two women at once. Is American coming to understand polyamory a bit better? Is the next step polygamy? Can we hope to see a Bachelor Utah with the guy whittling down his choices from 25 to 5? I think we'd all watch. Anyway, if an all-American God-fearing southern Christian gentleman like Sean is now aware that love can be just as strong split two or three ways, maybe there's something to it.

Catherine got the first visit. She left her knuckle-rings, Birkenstocks and tie-dye t-shirt at home but kept the nose-piercing. She'll only capitulate so far for her man and national television. She was out of her element, I thought, seeming nervous the whole 20 minutes. Her answers to mater and pater were stilted and rehearsed, but she did have a bit of a connection with the dad. In fact, it looked like they had a bit of a crush on each other.

Did you catch the family's names? Jay and Sherry were the parents, and Shay (I think that's the spelling) was the sister. That's right – Sherry, Sean and Shay. That's compromise right there, isn't it? You can almost hear the discussion.

Dad: Why should they both start with the sh- sound, Sherry? That's not fair. My name doesn't start with an sh-.
Mom: Hmm... I see your point. How about if we make up an sh- name to rhyme with yours?
Dad: Deal.

Lindsay's visit was much looser. She fit right in with everyone and they loved her. They asked her about her gutsy decision to wear a wedding dress the very first day, saying, "That took a lot of nerve." Lindsay, without skipping a beat, added, "And a lot of champagne."

...because we're not sure about him

The dad then told a weird story to Lindsay. Apparently the day baby Sean was born, he and Sherry began praying for a wife for baby Sean. Is that normal? I've heard homophobia runs deep in the south, but that sounds a bit extreme.

In fact, that was the first of a record-number of references to prayer and faith in the episode. Made me think it was Bachelor Utah already.

Yes, I'm aware, as I mentioned, that editing might very well have led me to believe Lindsay was the one. Yes, he said, "Lindsay is a perfect fit for me" and "She's the piece I've been missing for so long," but maybe he said equally seemingly meaningful statements about Catherine that they just chose not to air.

Speaking of editing, Sherry and Sean had a mother-son heart-to-heart where she said, "You don't need to be proposing to either one of them." That's what we were teased with for weeks. The full quote isn't quite as severe: "It's got to be something you're so excited to do and just feel like in your heart it's the absolutely right thing to do or you don't need to be proposing to either one of them." Still, Sean bristled. After saying he was hoping his family would provide some clarity for his dilemma, now he was saying, "I want your opinion and perspective but more than anything I want your support." So basically he wants them to provide clarity only if it jibes with his own conclusions otherwise just nod and agree.

Still more sly editing tricks. We hear Sean saying he truly believes his wife is here and we see Lindsay walking down a dirt road towards him. Wife = Lindsay, right? But these crafty little manoeuvres by the producers didn't sway me; rather it was the intensely contented flushed looks he was giving her on their last date. They floated down the Mekong River on a craft looking like it came from the Asian Gilligan's Island. The smooched and made lovey-dovey eyes the whole way. Lindsay told him, "I love you. I really, really mean it. I've never meant it so much." So presumably she's said it lots in her 24 years but always had her fingers crossed.

That night Linsday brought out some lanterns, onto which they wrote three wishes: Love, Happiness, and Family. Then let them fly away. Perhaps not a good move in retrospect. Still, Sean said it all feels "so comfortable and so right" with Lindsay. And "At this moment, I really think she's the one for me." Yeah, right, ya big fibber.

The best thing in Catherine's life

The date with Catherine was, like the visit with the family, more proper, distant even. They rode an elephant bareback. That's a long way down. I feel vulnerable sitting on a horse. I can't imagine the fall from such a "majestic" creature (Catherine's description, not mine). I did think it was funny that on this last date with the man she was falling in love with and could possible end up marrying, she described the elephant ride as "this is the best thing in my life!"

Catherine admitted that past relationships have failed because she's been the first to say, "I love you." Which is why she hadn't said it yet. Which makes it all that more inexplicable that she was not only around at this point but was the one chosen. What am I missing here? Plus there were no lovey-dovey looks from Sean when she said things like, "I honestly can't see it any other way it going down than me accepting your proposal. I couldn't not [sic] see that happening." He just looked expressionless when he mumbled "Yeah" back to her. Maybe he was confused by the double negative and was processing it.

But Catherine was hellbent on telling Sean she loved him. She waits until her back is positioned toward the camera. They embrace. They kiss. It's coming... Here it comes... "I love you"... Did you hear it? That was a whisper. That's as much as she was willing to bend since he had yet to reveal his emotions. But what was his response to this opening up? Did he give her the lovey-dovey eyes? No, of course not. He used them all up on Lindsay. Instead he robotically offered, "Thank you for today."

And apparently it wasn't just me that noticed. Catherine angsted it out after he was gone, telling us she looked up at him "hoping to see a glimmer of 'I wanna be with you forever'. And nothing." She called the process "painful." She even ran out to catch up with Sean. Did he make it all right? Not really. ZombieSean said, "We had fun today, right?" It was, as she related, "one of the most horrible goodbyes I've ever had... I can't get anything out of him!... I want him to reciprocate his feelings for me." Then she cried on her bed.

Bet the house on Lindsay

At this point I called my bookie and put my life savings on Lindsay for the win. And then to further convince me of my error, Sean picked out a full-sized ring from Neal Lane, rather than a knuckle ring. That's it, it's gotta be Lindsay, I thought.

I wasn't alone. In the studio audience were rejected babes Lesley, Sarah, AshLee and Jackie. Lesley was the only one who predicted a Catherine victory but I chalked that up to them being besties.

At the final rose ceremony, Lindsay and her foot tattoo were the first out of the limo. Good thing she didn't go with the wedding dress this time. Although she was pretty confident she was the one: "Today is the day I'm going to get engaged," she said. She wasn't nervous at all. Just calm. She stood in front of her man gleaming, waiting for the inevitable proposal that would never arrive.

"You have been such a surprise," he started.  He says he didn't see their relationship coming; he didn't know the depth he would find. He was amazed at her strength, courage and generosity, among other attributes. And then: "This is the toughest thing I've ever had to do." And he may as well have stopped talking because Lindsay stopped listening. She let him go on, nodding throughout. He stammered, "I love you, I know I do," and started crying. Lindsay was awesome throughout. "Stop," she pleaded. "Just please. It's okay. Was it me?" She said she was in shock and so was I. "Okay, well, I'm gonna go. Because this is just really, really painful. This is my nightmare. I really didn't see this coming. So... I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you found love. But I honestly can't imagine my life without you." She then hugged him and took off her shoes. I was thinking she might huck them at him, but it was not to be.

Before Catherine arrived, Chris Harrison delivered the not-so-fateful letter. No, it wasn't from his mother. It wasn't from Desiree, either. Not even a hastily scribbled fuck-you from Lindsay. No, it was a boring old sucky letter from Catherine. But what if Sean had picked Lindsay? That would have been fun. Now we're talking drama. But as it was, much ado about nothing.

She showed up and he proposed, making them the first interracial couple on The Bachelor. Since the producers were recently sued for discrimination (and won the suit), I wonder if Sean was under any pressure.

And in real late-breaking news, this just in: In Googling that story above, I discovered another Bachelor lawsuit. It seems I very well may have been swayed by the anti-Catherine editing after all. Apparently blogger Steve Carbone revealed as far back as November that Catherine would be the winner and, he believes, this is why the producers made her practically non-existent:

Carbone has a hunch that producers may have shown very few clips of his predicted winner Catherine Giudici’s interactions with Sean throughout the season to potentially throw off fans who may have read his spoilers.   

“Obviously there’s no way for me to prove it,” he said, but adds that none of the editing in past seasons has been as “blatant as it has been with Catherine." 

In a March 7 blog post, Carbone said he was counting down the days until he was “vindicated” from his spoiler and that in the beginning of the season there may have been some doubt “because of how little camera time Catherine got.” 

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/03/11/bachelor-producers-try-to-silence-show-spoilers-ahead-finale/#ixzz2NOscLi00

As Sean was letting her know she was the grand prize winner of a lifetime with him, she was practically hyperventilating and apparently lost all nostril control. She accepted his request for marriage. He could finally say loud and proud, "I love you so much." So now was her chance to shout it out, right? She had no more excuses not to. Not so much. She still whispered it back to him, not fully understanding how microphones work.

This record is apparently broken

What she didn't whisper was "Oh my gosh!" That was said at full volume. Over and over again to the point where I had to rewind the segment and start counting. From the time he proposed until they rode off on an elephant (saddled this time), she said, "Oh my gosh!" 15 times. Fifteen. For reals. Oh my gosh, it's true!

At the After the Final Rose, Sean said something potentially revealing. In Thailand, he'd have us believe it was a toss-up right until that final day when he suddenly woke up with clarity. But sitting in front of a live audience, without the benefit of editors, he said to Lindsay that in the "days leading up to this, I was thinking, 'What can I tell her? Can I give her a reason? Can I provide you with that closure?'" Days, plural.

And, as mentioned, he prayed about the decision. So really, blame God. It's out of Sean's hands. (Not surprisingly, I don't think we heard a single mention of prayer or faith in Bachelor Canada. Then again, we're a nation of heathens.)

Chris Harrison took a turn as Sean's dad, asking Sean how he knows he's ready to take this next step of marriage. "I just know," Sean said. "When you know, you know." You know? He really paints a picture with his words, doesn't he?

Stay gold

The big news for me was the new Bachelorette. It's cutie-pie Desiree! She was a bit too made-up on the show last night, which doesn't suit her natural beauty. I hope she stays the way she was this season. And I hope her brother stays the same, too. Don't go all Hollywood on us. I can't believe no mention was made of her brother. He's got to play a huge role in the upcoming season, I would think. I would hope! I wonder if they'll even find 25 guys who are brave enough to risk meeting her family. We'll find out this summer.

And that's all I wrote. Thanks for hanging out.