Bachelorette Desiree: Fantastico!

All right, so what do we have this week? Let me consult my chicken scratch.

The gang began their around-the-world adventure in Atlantic City. The news of the first stop elicited hoots and one "Unbelievable!" I've never been but in my ignorance I always thought it was a kind of low-rent Las Vegas. Maybe that's just because it's in New Jersey. But I also heard it was devastated by Hurricane Sandy a few months ago. Either the guys heard otherwise (they'd have been right) or they're so clueless they didn't even know about the Hurricane.

But we'll get to that in a moment. First off Brad had a one-on-one date. I immediately had to go back and check who Brad was. He's the guy with the 3-year-old kid and a 3-and-a-half-year-old arrest for domestic violence before all charges were dropped. I hate to use that as the only gauge to remember the guy, but that's pretty much all he's given us. Everyone else calls him the "quietest guy in the house."

He and Desiree went to a taffy factory then stumbled across a modest beach home for tiny people. They sat down while the owners were away and talked. Des asked him what type of women he usually dates. He replied, "Nothing specific." Good answer, quiet guy! Let her know she still stands a chance!

Des said she loves that Brad takes responsibility for his son. Yes, she was really stretching for positive things to say about him. What else is there? Oh, she loves that he's never killed anyone. She loves that bathes regularly. All great character traits.

The dinner conversation was a "little rocky," though, she thought. Picture Sylvester Stallone at Stonehenge. That kind of rocky. Note to introspective dudes: You gotta meet regular human beings halfway.

With the rose sitting conspicuously by at their lighthouse dinner, and Desiree knowing what she must do, where does she lead the soon-to-be exited one? Down to ground level where he can hop in a cab? Nope. Up they climb to the very top. Perhaps the thinking was that once she broke the bad news to him, he could just throw himself off the tower.

Brad said he "just got hit with a ton of bricks." But there was just no natural spark, reasoned Des. "I want a love that can light the darkness." God, that's poetic, isn't it? 

Since Atlantic City is the original home of the Miss America pageant, the group date saw the fellas competing in a faux-Mr. America pageant, complete with a talent portion, swimsuit competition, and inane answers to jejune questions. Type I Michael, the federal prosecutor, said he had always dreamed of becoming Mr. America. Instead he had to settle on being a highly paid lawyer.

The guys were introduced to a "world famous" pageant coach. I was expecting a grizzled veteran to walk hunched over into the room but instead a sprightly young man in his 20s (I'm guessing) entered. Chris immediately tried to get on the coach's good side by donning the high heels. He seemed a little too keen to wear them, didn't he?

While they had to choose their own talents, they were assigned their bathing suits. Some, like Mikey, got long shorts to hide their beefy thighs, while others, like South American heartthrob Juan Pablo, were given a Speedo to accentuate their beefy groins. While many American contestants grimace whenever they have to sport a Speedo, JP gave a big thumbs up, saying, "I feel great!" It's de rigueur down south.

The Q&A segment revealed that Juan Pablo also has a child. That's new, right? Everyone else with offspring always makes a big deal out of it, but JP just casually mentions in an interview that his ideal woman my love his daughter. Maybe that's how they roll in Argentina, too.

And Mikey's answer to the question about what women don't understand about men was unintentionally hilarious only because he seemed to be serious. The muscle-bound one said that women think of guys as "meatheads" and said "we cry inside." "I'm sensitive. I'm tired of being a piece of meat." He then proceeded to expose his torso, do handstand push-ups and flex his tit muscles at every given opportunity. No disconnect there at all.

The talent portion revealed that Brooks, who smashed a ukulele, has a sense of humour, that Chris may be a closeted cross-dresser, and Zak has a not-horrible singing voice but takes himself a little too seriously.

In the end, the judges (i.e. the producers, I'm sure) awarded the second runner up to Brooks, the first runner up to Zak, and the crown to Kasey, who really sold his fake tap dance routine with confidence and humour.

At night, the fey Chris, wearing a pink shirt and sockless loafers, took Des aside to show he was more than just a pair of well-pedicured feet. You won't believe this, but he actually writes poetry, too! "No, you don't!" squealed Des with delight. Or maybe it was derision. I hope it was the latter. Nobody likes poetry. Not even people who really like poetry like poetry. And certainly not by lay-poets. But he read his "work" and it really turned her on because she grabbed him by the neck and slobbered a kiss on him. I did not see that coming.

In our hairless world now, is it common for men to shave their armpits? Or is that still a bit weird? I'm old and out of touch. To me, it's still odd to see a guy like Ben proudly displaying his smooth 'pits to the world as if he were born with alopecia under his arms.

But that's not the reason the guys hate him. While it's hard to put a finger on it, my guess is that it stems from a combination of his sneakiness and his overall smug, rosy-cheeked countenance. The hate is so strong, Michael thinks his love for his son is nothing but a ruse or gimmick. "Two weeks pass and I have not heard a word about his son!" he says.

Zak took the opportunity to serenade Des some more with his simple guitar chords and original song. I think it's safe to say his manager didn't put him on the show to further a fledgling singing career (hey there, Wes!). Still, it worked. Zak got the rose.

Remember last week when I said I thought it was the worst episode in the history of the franchise? Well, the next segment may have been the best, thanks to a pair of senior citizens. Gotta love that. Des and James went on a helicopter tour of the nearby area that was torn apart by Hurricane Sandy. They then touched down and met an old couple whose house was wrecked by the flooding. Despite still being in upheaval, they were thrilled and "honoured" to meet the two pseudo-celebs. When Des found out they had to spend their anniversary at the shelter, she decided to give them her date. I'm sure Manny wouldn't have minded going on the date with Des (who would have?), but he and the Mrs. had their first night out alone in eons.

Thankfully the camera crew followed Manny and Jan on their date as if they were two young hardbodies. And it was beautiful. And compelling. Maybe one summer the executives can think outside the box and produce a season featuring nothing but old people trying to find love. How awesome would that be?

Des and James went and had pizza and beer somewhere. Of course, there were cameras there, too. James revealed his freshman mistake. He had a girlfriend of 5.5 years (so they started dating when? When they were 12?) and he cheated on her. As someone who had been the victim of a cheater, Des might have been less sympathetic. "It shows temptation may be a problem," she said. But she liked that he was honest with her. Or at least pretending to be.

Meanwhile, Manny and Jan danced to a private concert by Darius Rucker. Finally a performer I've heard of. If you haven't, surely you've heard of Hootie & the Blowfish. That's him. He must have been Hootie. The date was a hit with the old couple. Manny said, "As we say in Italian, it was fantastico!" I have no idea what that means in English. They didn't supply a subtitle. Whatever it meant, Jan, who perhaps had a bit too much wine, leaned over and stage whispered, "So sexy!" Manny didn't know what to make of that on national TV. It was a sweet moment.

Back at the house, Bryden, the Iraq war vet, was struggling with the whole process. There's always someone, isn't there? He was saying he wasn't sure he'd accept a rose if offered one. Oh, how I want that to happen. Just once. I don't know how many hundreds or thousands of roses have been handed out over the years, but not once has someone refused it. If someone leaves, they do so before it gets to a rose ceremony. Come on, sulkers, stick around and throw it back in their face. Make a scene! Don't wait for the producers to create all the drama for you!

Cross-dressing Chris spent some friendly time with Des, and the term BFF was bandied about. He quickly realized being in the friend zone wasn't the optimal place to be. Desiree nipped that in the bud with a big kiss, then said, "Friends don't kiss."

Zak and James already had a rose and nine more were to be handed out, with only one man being left out in the cold. They went in order to:

• Cross-dressing Chris
• Broken finger Brooks
• Sexy soccer player Juan Pablo
• The jaw that walks like a man Drew
• Type I Michael
• Bad Ben
• Hashtag Kasey
• Hesitant Bryden
• Meathead Mikey

Being chosen last, Mikey proved once again he's not a meathead by telling Des, "You make me sweat."

So who was left out? Hmm, let me try to figure it out... Tough one... Nobody that I can think of... Oh wait, it was that book publisher guy who got no face time since his opening night limo entrance. Zack was his name. He said he was "shocked." Keep in mind at that point he hadn't seen the edit. He had no idea nobody knew who he was.

The book publisher actually said the following: "I came here literally with a leap of faith." (italics mine) I'm guessing he's not so much a book publisher as a dude who puts out a zine.

Next week the group travels to Munich where James joins Ben in the villain camp.

Bachelorette Desiree: Rush to judgment(s)

This third episode of Desiree's season was like a microcosm of all past episodes (minus the helicopters): We saw hanging off buildings, dress-up, bad acting, horses, ambulances, and cheating. And for me, anyway, it was, perhaps, the worst episode of all time. I can't put my finger on it directly but I hated it.

The group date saw 10 guys learn the fine art of dodgeball from a group of professional dodgeballers... No, that can't be right. They were from a group called the National Dodgeball League, but surely there can't be any money in it. I guess coming on this series is a way to grow their profile, although it hasn't worked for any of the bands, product placement or former contestants beyond the proverbial 15 minutes.

The fellas were then split up into teams and faced each other in an epic battle to determine... absolutely nothing. They came out scowling in tight, bright uniforms featuring shorts like they used to wear as recently as the early 1990s.

Sidenote: I know fashions change, but that trend from shorter shorts to gaucho-lenght shorts came fast and to the point where women, and men, think it looks ridiculous for dudes to show off their legs. In an era where they show off everything else, what's the big deal with exposing upper thighs? We love women in short-shorts. Double standard! Forget the shorts, the real fashion faux-pas was Brooks' samurai pony tail on the top of his head.

Granted, I don't know the intricacies of dodgeball, but I thought if you're hit with the ball, you're out. Judging from the action montage, it all seemed quite arbitrary. Guys were being hit and would stay on. Knowing this show, I guess the producers would just choose who would have to sit down in order to make it a "thrilling" 3-set match. You knew it was going the distance, right? They always do.

The tension mounted when Brooks broke his finger. Whew, boy, that was close! I thought for sure he was a goner. People don't often make it back from such an injury. Thankfully, the emergency room doctors drew the right amount of blood and gave him all the oxygen he needed and he was able to make a miraculous return to the after-party.

And despite this being for all the marbles, the egalitarian Desiree opened it up to every participant. Everyone gets a ribbon! I wonder if she just wanted someone from the losing team to be there, and if his team had won, she wouldn't have been so inclusive.

Des was worried about Brooks before he stumbled up to the door near death. I don't know why he needed to go to all that effort because staying away would have been a sure-fire rose. Always leave them wanting more, kid. First rule of show biz.

Brad, who I just had to look up – turns out he was the chicken wishbone guy from the first episode, and that's all I know about him! – needed to get some time with Desiree to tell her his haunting tale. I was braced for a doozy. He opened saying he had a 3-year-old son. I thought that wasn't very nice to describe his son with the word 'haunting', but I was premature. There was more.

He has full custody of his kid because the mother had drinking problems that culminated with the fuzz arresting him for domestic violence! Now, to hear him describe it, it was all a misunderstanding. The charges were thrown out, after all. But there are two sides to every story. As we found out later, Des doesn't really grasp that concept. She hears one side and sticks to it. No need to hear further evidence. Our lady's mind is made up! It helps if you can sell it a little bit with tears or histrionics to really sell your side of the story.

Oh, and did you catch the potential time problem with his story? He has a 3-year-old but the arrest kerfuffle happened three-and-a-half years ago. Yes, it's only a potential problem. I realize it could still add up. I just thought it was interesting and would want to learn more before arriving at my opinion.

Another fashion faux-pas was seeing the natural beauty clomping around in stiletto-heeled boots. Not her best look.

Chris, who I called nebbishy last week, took her to the roof where she told him, "Honestly, it's the smallest things that mean the most to me." A look of relief hit him as he glanced furtively down at his own trousers. He's still in the game!

She made out with a sweaty and disheveled, not to mention near-death, Brooks, but it is to her great credit that she didn't offer the rose to him. Instead she offered it to nebbishy Chris and he gladly accepted. They were then given a private concert by someone called Kate Earl and for the second week in a row the music wasn't horrible. Or maybe I'm just becoming inured to it.

Next up was the drama the producers love. They love it so much they create it themselves! The scene started out with Des sitting on her sofa writing in the antique journal Zak gave her last week:

Dear Diary,
I experimented with lipstick today in preparation for the phoney phone call I'm about to get from Chris Harrison. I hope I remember my lines!
Des

She was interrupted by the phone ringing. Who could it be?! It was none other than TV's Chris Harrison explaining to her that he had some bad news about one of the guys. Turns out Shiny Headed Brian had a girlfriend back home. Not only that, but she's here with us today! Give her a hand!

Enter Stephanie, hysterical. Remember what I said earlier about emoting to get Des to buy your side of the story? Worked like a charm here. I have no idea who's right and who's lying in this case of he said/she said, but there's no way Des could know either from what we saw. Brian was level-headed and sounded plausible when he said the relationship was over a long time ago. But Stephanie claimed they were together right before he left for California. Hmm, how could we ever know the truth? I mean besides calling a couple impartial witnesses who could shed some light on the affair. But that would take maybe 15 valuable minutes and time is money! Best to just besmirch the guy's reputation for two hours on prime time national television.

But there's something else to consider: Stephanie said on a few occasions that she had tried to break up with him and he wouldn't accept. So... she wanted to break up with him? Then what's the problem? Also, while it does, indeed, take two to tango in the love department, breaking up can be a solo dance. You don't need approval from the other person to walk away.

Chris Harrison, doing his best to fake impartiality, let Des make the final decision on Brian, in no way influencing her judgment by saying, "Is there any chance this guy is staying here?" Yeah, "this guy." The answer: "No, not a chance."

And just how did Stephanie not only find out Brian's deceit (the show hadn't begun airing when this was filmed), but know who to contact to get on the show? And was she told to spew out words like, "lying, cheating, deceitful pig"? Maybe not, but her final query hurled at him was laughably written: "What am I supposed to tell Donovan, my son, who looked up to you?" Does that sound natural to you? I can just imagine the takes on this one.

Stephanie: What am I supposed to tell Donovan?
Director: Cut! Wait, honey, who's Donovan?
Stephanie: He's my son.
Director: Well, the people at home don't know that. C'mon, honey, use your noggin!... Action!
Stephanie: What am I supposed to tell Donovan, my son?
Director: Cut! Wait, he's your son, not Brian's? What does he have to do with this then?
Stephanie: Well, he really looks up to Brian.
Director: Okay, then, use that! Our audience is stupid. You need to spell it out for them. And keep the tears flowing, please... And action!
Stephanie: What am I supposed to tell Donovan, my son, who looked up to you?!
Director: And print it! Great work, babe. Now scram. Time's wasting!

But she raises an interesting question, doesn't she? What, indeed, should she tell young Donovan? Oh, I know! How about mentioning that she tried to break up with him so it was going to happen either way. I guess now, though, she gets some sort of performance fee that'll see her through the next month or so.

Cynical? Just a tad.

Oh, and didn't you love how the henchman wouldn't let the guy talk to the others before he left? "No, straight up to your room." Brian dutifully obeyed. But what would (could) they have done if he hadn't listened? He's off the show. There are no more rules to follow.

And then, to make matters worse, Brandon, the adrenaline junkie from the broken home, broke down over the whole thing. He had flashbacks to when he was a young kid and his mom would bring men home. He'd grow attached and then they'd leave. Rinse and repeat. It was too much for him to bear. Okay, fair enough. I don't want to bag on the guy. I can't know what he went through as a kid (although my mom had boyfriends, too; I guess I just never grew attached to them). But it is fair to say that he probably has too much baggage.

The one-on-one date went to Kasey, who thankfully hasn't uttered a single hashtag comment since the opening night. Speaking of hashtags, though, the disruptive and annoying tweets were still part of the show. My sense was there were fewer of them, though. Hopefully that's because the army of Alexa, our heroine from last week, flooded them with protest tweets they couldn't use.

The date started with some building dancing. That is, hanging off the side of a building and pushing off it, twirling around, and landing back on the window without shattering it and crashing through. Mission accomplished.

Then they went to the top of the building for the evening portion of the date. They timed it perfectly for the windstorm that hit. The set was blowing over so they decided to hop into the pool. Bad move. It was freezing. Kasey managed to force Des into a kiss but she didn't seem into it. She called the date "disastrous" but still gave him the rose.

The final date was with five fellas. They were picked up from the mansion by a stagecoach and four horses and they travelled all the way to... the end of the driveway, I'm sure. Even though we saw the stagecoach pull up at a ranch, there's no way that thing took to the Los Angeles freeways.

Product placement

The stunt team from a new western (I refuse to give them what they want – publicity) was there to teach the fledgling cowboys how to fake fight. They each put on a little scene and Des picked the best one. Or, more accurately, she picked who she was going to pick regardless. The producers just helped Juan Pablo's cause by putting sound effects for his fake punches to make them look that much better. Did you catch that? None of the others got SFX.

But the South American caballero had charisma, I'll grant him that. He and Des got to take off to a barn, eat popcorn, make out a bit, and get a private screening of the new film.

It occurred to me during this segment that the formerly shirtless Zak, with the six-pack stomach, looks to be about 55 from the neck up. No wonder he likes to draw attention to his midsection.

I thought for sure Big James was going to be sent packing. He just seems like an odd fit. He even leaned in for a kiss, and she quickly let it land on her cheek. But he got a pity rose and will stick around for one more week at least.

The cocktail party was replaced by a "relaxed, chill" pool party in the afternoon. The dastardly Ben intercepted first and took Des for a 15-minute car ride. Whatever, right? But the guys were all getting impatient, wondering where she was. They'd been waiting for a long time, they complained. And I'm thinking, "Uh, she's 15 minutes late." It's L.A. traffic. She could have been stuck behind a stagecoach.

Ooh, Mikey, the Fat Tom Selleck, was steaming. That Ben needed a good old punch in the face. Ben didn't care. It's called The Bachelorette for a reason, he reasoned, not Let's Be Friends. Zing! Right back atcha, Mikey.

That Mikey is a built dude, did you notice? And so are most of them. I was heartened to see nebbishy Chris's sunken chest. Not only can normal guys get selected for the show, but they can last a few episodes. There's hope.

Brandon, who had to walk around without without pants last week, dropped them again this week. Metaphorically, anyway. He told Des that he's falling in love with her and he thinks about her all day long. Too soon, young man, too soon. Then he says, "Let me tell you a secret." She leans in. The secret was that he didn't have a secret. But he did have two lips and knew how to use them. That took Des a bit by surprise. Brandon was on Cloud Nine. He marvelled at "how perfect and meant to be we really are."

At the rose ceremony, he said he's never felt so confident. You know that's the kiss of death. With James, Kasey and Chris all rosed up, ten more would be added. They went in order to:

1. Bryden, the Iraq war vet
2. Juan Pablo, the former soccer pro
3. Zak W, the old abs guy
4. Brooks, the 9-fingered wonder
5. Drew and his jaw
6. Zack, the increasingly invisible book publisher
7. Brad, with the haunting story
8. Michael, the Type I prosecutor
9. Mikey, Fat Tom Selleck
10. Ben, the dastardly single dad

That left Brandon, poor Brandon, and some guy named Dan out in the cold. Dan was "bummed." No doubt he'll be more bummed seeing how he was edited out of every episode. Brandon was "blown away." Des knew it would be hard on him. She told him, "You're an incredible person; just not for me." He walked out and she could have left it at that but she felt the pangs of guilt and chased after him. She told him she didn't think they had chemistry and she just couldn't explain it. He maintained his love for her and gave one of the all-time great woe-is-me exit quotes:

Once again someone left me. Once again. Yeah, way to go, Brandon. I can't even cry. I'm just out of tears.

I think Wes needs to turn that into a country song.

Bachelorette Desiree: To B or not to B

These guys would be a better fit for Des

My wife's work has a Bachelorette pool going. Yesterday afternoon she asked me who she should pick. I responded I didn't even know who was in it. Do people actually remember these bozos after one viewing? Hell, it takes me half a season to figure out who's who. I swear I didn't know who at least half the guys were at the final rose ceremony last night.

Last week I said it was a really uninspiring group of guys – perhaps the worst group ever. After week 2, I stand by my opinion. I realize things can change but they didn't last night. Desiree begs to disagree. She said, "I couldn't have asked for a better group of guys!" Maybe that statement was borne out of desperation. She certainly looked desperate the way she was aggressively attacking their tonsils with her tongue at every given opportunity.

Brooks got the first date. He looked marginally better, perhaps because he was more relaxed. And he seemed like a decent enough dude on their date. Des reminded us that she has a "desire and a passion to design wedding dresses." So what better activity than to go out and try on wedding dresses made by other people? Brooks got in on the act, too, and when they were suitably suited, they took to the town.

[cough] Hollywood! [cough]

In "her" baby blue Bentley, they drove to the hills and sat on the Hollywood sign. Looking over Los Angeles, Brooks marvelled that it was "like you're floating on clouds." Uh, that's smog, Country Mouse.

He told her about his last relationship, which didn't end well. Des, proving that when you like someone you see connections that aren't really there, said that what Brooks went through in his last relationship was just like her experience. And any other human being's experience, save for the statistically insignificant proportion of the population who marry their first love and live happily ever after.

At night, Des, who did all the driving, took a wrong turn into a seedy part of the city. There were sirens, graffiti and razor blade wiring. Oh, and a camera crew. Still, Brooks played along like they were at risk. Des saw a road blocked off and decided to move the signs and head on down that lonesome road. I was on the edge of my seat... on the way to turn off the TV for insulting my intelligence like that. Is anyone under the illusion that anything on this show is done in the spur of the moment without months of planning? Didn't think so.

Sure enough, in the middle of a bridge, a fancy table and meal were set up, complete with accompanying chandelier. They sat and got to know each other better. Brooks wanted to know more about her family. Just spit it out, man: "What the hell is up with your brother?!" But no, he left it at a more generic level and Des just talked about her parents. She then turned the tables on him and asked about how his coming from a broken home might affect his family aspirations. He stumbled slightly before figuring out an out: He'd choke up over the time he didn't get to spend with his dad and say he wants to have time with his own family that he didn't get as a kid.

Guaranteed Rose Just Ahead

Brooks got the rose for being "so open and vulnerable." Which is a lesson to future contestants: fake vulnerability. It's a sure-fire guarantee of a rose.

Further down the deserted bridge was a stage and a guy named Andy Grammer, who I'd never heard of but it looked like Des knew because she was singing along. And of all the lousy, gawdawful bands they get to serenade couples with on this show, this guy might be the best. Which isn't to say I'd ever buy his stuff, but he looked great in comparison.

Desiree's dance teacher

As someone who doesn't dance, I may not be in the best position to judge others, but did anyone else think Desiree had the same spasmodic dancing qualities as Elaine Benes?

The funniest line of the episode came from the nebbishy Chris. "I came here to spend time with Des and I've yet to get a date card," he whined precisely one week and one date card into the proceedings. I realize he may very well have said that much later on and this is the fault of the producers/editors, but I'm just going by what they're showing us.

The group date saw 14 guys make a rap video with an artist named Soulja Boi. First they auditioned for the lead roles by doing some freestyling. One guy, I forget who, started his off with "Roses are red, violets are blue" so you know he's got hella street cred. One might assume that Will, the only African-American in the group, might have the upper hand but he performed more like the banker that he is. He said, "I did absolutely terrible."

The guys played caricatures of former Bachelorette contestants, such as Wes, the Wrassler, and Mesnick. Brandon had to do his sans pants. No idea what guy he was supposed to be.

Throughout the show, we were subject to those very distracting Tweets. Look, I like Twitter as much as the next person but I can go there to read if I want. Anything that pulls focus from what's on screen can't help in the long run. If our brains are processing the words we're reading, we may hear what's being said but it's not registering in the same way. Or if my eyes are diverted to the bottom of the screen, I may miss a subtle look or kiss or whatever. I've said from the beginning, if you insist on showing Tweets, do it during the montages of scenery.

But one came through that was an instant classic:

I wish the tweets at the bottom of the screen would go away on the bachelorette. #noonecares
— Alexa Stout (@AlexaStout) June 4, 2013

How about we all agree to Tweet variations on that theme for the next show? Inundate them with messages of protest. We can win this battle! Alexa Stout can be the Susan B. Anthony of the anti-Tweet movement!

At the after-rap wrap party, the formerly shirtless Zak W. presented Des with an "antique" journal. I use quotation marks because the inscription, from father to daughter, read fairly modern, as did the penmanship. But I'm nitpicking. The gesture was still hollow.

Everyone had it out for Ben. Now, don't get me wrong, Ben looks smug but it puzzles me how everyone can be so against the guy yet the cameras haven't given us any solid evidence.

Mikey, the Fat Tom Selleck, took Ben outside to raise his concerns about him. He said, "You're nice to us when the cameras are rolling." So that explains some of it. But when everyone's talking about one guy, couldn't the producers go about trying to get some film of him to corroborate the story? Anyway, Ben disarmed Mikey by complimenting him on his shoes. Yeah, that happened.

There was a rose on the line and some said they should just all forget about it and go about having a fun evening. Ben, however, told us he was old-fashioned so he needs to pursue the girl. Not so old-fashioned that he won't have a child out of wedlock, but old-fashioned in the same way the journal was "antique."

Just once...

Ben talked to Des about his son, and Des said all the right things. She's open to all that and a guy with a kid doesn't scare her at all. Just once I'd like to see a Bachelor/ette say that kids are a deal breaker.

Michael G, a federal prosecutor, sat down with her and began with a pet peeve of mine. He talked about "my mother, my sister, my nana." Excuse me? Your what? Nana is a name you call your grandmother. If you're going to use the actual term, i.e. mother, sister, etc., the correct continuation would be "my grandmother" – even if you call your grandmother Nana, Grannie, or Dave. It would be like calling your sister Jane, "my Jane." Got it? Good.

Brandon, who was parading around pantsless a few hours earlier, was stiff and humourless that night... You know what I mean... He needed to talk to Des so he could give her the hard sell: "I'm not an Ivy Leaguer, I don't have a billion dollar business, blah, blah, blah." There had to be a good "but" in there, right? What would it be? But I am the most loyal and loving man you'll ever meet? But I have a huge penis? What? Here's what he said: "But I was born." Actually, it's not as dumb as it sounds because I would have sworn he was a robot the way he was talking.

He went on to talk about his broken home, his mom being a drug addict, and how he had to raise his siblings even though he was only 11. He ended it by saying, "I wanna come home to you and love you." Too soon, buddy. It's only week 2.

It's no wonder she gave the group date rose to Ben. He was the Andy Grammer to the other guys' former bands on the show: only good in comparison.

From left: Brooks, Ben, Bryden

The final date went to Bryden. She clearly likes her B-boys: Brooks, Ben and Bryden. Out came the Bentley and they went on a road trip culminating at a spa in Ojai, California. We saw them briefly on a beach along the way, and driving around. At dinner, she said she "hasn't laughed that hard in so long." I guess the cameras were reloading at that point. They miss a lot, don't they? No Ben misdeeds, no gut-busting laughs.

Bryden, an Iraq war vet, told Des about a horrible car accident he had in his early 20s. Not only that, he showed her photos. Yes, over dinner. But it worked. She gave him a rose for "opening up." See, I told you it works.

At the swimming pool, Bryden kept talking as she stared love daggers at him. There'd be a break in conversation and I said – twice, yet – "Just kiss her already." The third time, Desiree said, "Just kiss me already!" Good on her for taking the bull by the horns instead of doing nothing and then complaining that he didn't act. But I still can't help but think of her brother watching this. I'd watch a whole other season of him watching this series. 

At the cocktail party, Des's hair, kinda puffy and parted in the middle, made her look remarkably like that other cutie, Kacie B. God, I miss her. Can I just take a moment to reflect on how cute she was?...

Ahh, that's better

Thank you.

Michael, the federal prosecutor, had some big news he had to get off his chest. He sat down with Des and said, "There's something I want to tell you." The news was he has had Type I Diabetes since he was 16. How about just bringing it up in conversation so it doesn't sound like such a big deal? I mean, I know it's kind of a big deal, but why play it up?

In the middle of his heartfelt talk, Ben, with his rose clipped to his lapel, interrupts and whisks Des away for a private chat outside. That's the dick move we've been waiting to see to prove he's a scumbag! Finally. Okay, I'm starting to get it. But my question is why would she go with him? How about this, Des?: "Oh, Ben, I'm just talking to Michael right now. And since you have a rose, we'll have lots of time to talk but I just want to make sure everyone else gets a fair chance, too. Thanks."

The other fellas were steaming on behalf of Michael. Several of them give him a stern talking to outside, where he stands with a silly grin and red cheeks. Michael later said he was shocked he didn't have his son go in and interrupt them. Objection, your Honour! Low blow!

Of course, there was other interrupting going on, as there always will be. Shiny Forehead Brian interrupted Sacrificial Will but we didn't see any of the original conversation because the producers didn't want us to get attached to the high-fiving banker.

With Brooks, Ben and Bryden already safe, that left 13 other roses to hand out, while three would be sent home. Moving on are:

1. Wide James, the intense big guy who wants to grow old and fat (selected 8th last week)
2. Kasey, the annoying hashtag guy who thankfully was shut out of the final edit this week (selected 7th last week)
3. Dan. I have no idea who this guy is (selected 11th last week)
4. Juan Pablo, the soccer pro (selected 5th last week)
5. Brad, the chicken wishbone guy – that's all I know about him (selected 6th last week)
6. Nebbishy Chris, who got down on one knee to tie his shoelace (selected 12th last week)
7. Shiny Forehead Brian, who wears a suit and tie to work every day (selected 10th last week)
8. Zak W., the formerly shirtless one (pre-selected last week)
9. Drew, with the manly jaw, alcoholic father and mentally handicapped sister (pre-selected last week)
10. Mikey, Fat Tom Selleck (selected 13th last week)
11. Zack K, the book publisher in sneakers (selected 2nd last week)
12. Michael, the Type I federal prosecutor (pre-selected last week)
13. Brandon, the adrenaline junkie with the former-junkie mom (selected 1st last week)

If you're keeping score at home, two other B boys went through to next week. That meant good-bye to Sacrificial Will, who got "too far in the friend zone" instead of the end zone, if you know what I'm talking about (selected 3rd last week), Robert, the sign-spinning entrepreneur , who said, "I didn't see it coming" even though we all did (selected 9th last week), and Nick, the horrible poet (pre-selected last week). Neither of the three have names starting with B. Coincidence? Something to watch for, I'd say.

And that's all she wrote. And by "she" I mean "I". I don't often refer to myself in the feminine third person but watch enough of this series and one starts to feel girlish.