Juan Pablo 7: Class dismissed

We left off last week with the hint that our beloved Sharleen might recuse herself from the proceedings this week. But you know how editors and their deceiving ways are. Would she or wouldn't she? I would just have to tune in to find out. So I fire up the television set and settle in for a night of tension. The local announcer leads into the show with, "A shocking exit leaves everyone blindsided!"

So thanks for that. At least now I could settle back into my chair from the edge of the seat I had been on.

The gang was in Miami, Juan Pablo's home town. Or at least where he lives. In case you'd forgotten, he's a devoted single dad so he really wanted to see his daughter. Renee, meanwhile, will just have to wait until she can see her own little guy.

Sharleen was telling us she's not ready to introduce JP to her family. You hear this kind of talk a lot on this show but I don't get it. What's the big deal? I mean, I can understand if you come from a deeply conservative family like Kacie B, but Shar is Canadian! There are no conservatives in Canada!

Speaking of darling Kacie, a commenter here gave me the bad news that she's engaged. This really has been a rough week for me. First Sharleen leaving, now Kacie making herself unavailable. Check out her betrothed. Looks like a fine young man...

What a lucky bastard

While Shar-Shar was equivocating, JP was still smitten, talking about how "different" she is, how elegant, how sexy, how amazing. "She could be the one," he told his cousin. He also gave her the first date card. Literally! (I'm going to have to add some of my own literallys because there was only one again this week.) He personally handed it to her and told her she had ten minutes to get ready.

While anyone else would have been over the moon, Shar-Shar was telling us that she's "missing the cerebral connection that I need so much." Translation: JP's a dumb jock.

Chelsie knows it, too. She said Sharleen likes "intellectual nerdy guys." Hello! Now we're talking. Hear me out: Sharleen as the new Bachelorette only instead of the usual assortment of male bimbos, we get a season of doughy guys wearing ascots and glasses and turtlenecks. Come on, ABC, make it happen!

They spend the day on a private yacht. I guess I don't need to qualify it as 'private'. That goes without saying. They lie down on towels up front and get right to it, proving Sharleen's point, unless the cerebral connection is achieved through tongues. He may not be her typical type, but the chemistry, she said, is there and she's surprised at how attracted she is to him.

Another hint that the cerebral connection would not be made on this date was when, in the middle of a lip-lock, he asked, "Is that a Canadian kiss or a German kiss?" She works in Germany, Juan Pablo; she isn't German. To her eternal credit, she answered, "Certainly not a German kiss."

Shar described JP as "ridiculously sexy." She also admitted that she doesn't allow herself to feel happy very often. Fun, right? Come on, who doesn't want to see an introspective brooder with 25 nerdy bachelors, am I right?!

They finally hop off the boat and tread water in the middle of the ocean, embracing and kissing. At least that's what we saw. At least it wasn't 4 in the morning because JP has standards. And a daughter. Hope she didn't catch a glimpse of his shenanigans from her window.

JP really wanted to meet Sharleen's parents. An odd thing to say, I thought, but whatever. He also hit the nail on the head when he said, "You're good at not trying to impress me and you impress me." Future wannabes, take note.

There was more kissing (Shar couldn't help herself). She said, "I wish I was just a little bit dumber." I forget why she said this but I like to think the implied end of the sentence was, "so I could relate to you."

I missed it where they said there'd be no roses handed out on the one-on-one dates, if they said it. But I figured it out when the next scene saw Shar seeking out the Den Mother Renee to talk through her inner turmoil. She tells Renee that she was hoping her feelings would have been more black and white. Renee, true to form, told her if she leaves, regret could haunt her forever. Of course, we know how that all turned out (but I doubt regret is haunting her world).

The second one-on-one went to Nikki, who is "absolutely falling in love with Juan Pablo" but isn't ready to tell him yet. Her date was to little Camila's dance recital. Not only did she get to meet the apple of Juan Pablo's eye, she also got to meet his parents and his ex. So that's pretty big, I guess. I don't know, is it?

Then they headed over to JP's "office" – the Florida Marlin baseball stadium. Nikki was wearing a halter top, if that's what it's called (fashion ain't my strong suit). I mention this because while playing catch, Juan Pablo made it a point to throw her some grounders. The horndog. Methinks his intentions were less than honourable. He just wanted her to bend over so he could see down her top.

That was the extent of their date. Back to the drama with Sharleen. She felt sick but knew what she must do. She first gathered the gals around to tell them about her inner conflict, telling them it's not fair that she take a spot from them. It's the "right thing" to do, she reasoned.

Then off to JP's room. It was pretty anti-climactic, if you ask me. She whispered that the idea of a proposal doesn't seem possible to her. Strangely, we got sub-titles for her whispered words but none for Juan Pablo's. I think that must have been because nobody could make out what he was saying other than "I understand."

She cried, but that was no surprise given how she bawled when anybody else had to leave the show. Padre Juan Pablo was in full force, wiping away her tears telling her she didn't have to be sorry. "You cannot be sorry for something you feel," he soothed. He even got in a little joke, saying, "The only thing that pisses me off is that you didn't sing enough for me." Then he walked her to the door and they said their goodbyes. Easy. He didn't seem all that bothered by it. I'm sure after watching this, whatever regrets she might have been feeling dissipated.

And with that, she's gone, bringing down the average IQ in the house significantly. So long, Sharleen, I'll miss you. Class dismissed.

Sharleen, thinking (Florian Merdes photo)

The group date was next, with a rose on the line, which represented an automatic hometown visit. (By the way, does anyone remember if it's always been four hometown visits? I had it in my head that there were only three.)

I can't even remember what they did on their group date. I know Chelsie brought out some letters from home to read to Juan Pablo. Yes, it was as romantic as it sounds.

Andi plopped herself down on the beach saying she was ready for a breakdown. She was feeling "super vulnerable." Padre JP to the rescue! He calmed her down good. Real good.

Clare talked about the unseen video her deceased father made to be watched by the man of her dreams before she gets married.

And we didn't see anything of my other fave, Renee.

JP gave the rose to Andi because he really wanted to meet her family. Clare was gobsmacked. Which leads us to our one entry this week:

LITERALLY count: "I deserve something amazing and wonderful. Like, I've been opening up myself and putting myself out there and at this point literally all I've been doing is watching every single person go on their dates." – Clare. Verdict: Wrong again but nice try.

Clare also had a good observation: "The people who are standing out are those that are doubting themselves." To which she appended: "What the fuck am I doing here?"

With the rose, the other three were sent back to the hotel while Andi and JP hit South Beach. The first stop was a latin club where a dude named Romeo Santos was apparently lip synching to a woman singing. I guess that's what they do in latin clubs.

Juan Pablo led Andi up to centre stage and started slow dancing with her. And by slow dancing, I mean he held her and she waddled back and forth. Not the best dancer, Andi. That may be enough to ruin her chances with the Latin lover.

Back at the hotel, the show reverted to form, pitting two lovelies against each other. Only this time, there was no clear-cut unlikable one. Clare vs Nikki is a draw, I'd say. When Clare, Renee and Chelsie were telling Nikki about their date, Nikki noted that two of them were laughing about it but Clare was "checked out." Clare responded that she wasn't going to sit there and be fake, which Nikki took offense to and left. I guess she felt that Clare was talking about her friend, Andi, but that's not the sense I got. Either way, it was an over-reaction.

Clare went up to talk about it with her and they took turns impersonating Ross Perot, saying, "Can you please not cut me off?" I don't think there's a villain in this confrontation. But I think Nikki was more in the wrong than Clare.

"You're a piece of work, Nikki," said Clare.

"And you're bat-shit crazy," said Nikki.

At the cocktail party, it was revealed that Renee and Chelsie side with Clare. And there's no way that saint of a woman, Renee (albeit a saint with a tramp stamp), would ever be on the side of wrong. Nikki had Andi on her side. A lawyer. Nuff said.

The case against Nikki:

Chelsie: "Nikki doesn't tend to willingly participate in any conversation except whispering to Andi. It just seems very high school to me."

Nikki: "I have a rose. Wait, I don't... Pretty much."

Nikki constantly refers to JP as her "boyfriend." 

Nikki: Juan Pablo "has a giant crazy family to meet [meaning Clare's]. I mean, she didn't get crazy all on her own; it had to come from somewhere."

The worst Clare said about Nikki was that she's a "brat."

When Chelsie excused herself to go pee, the two sworn enemies were left sitting outside by themselves. ABC set a record, I'm sure, for longest dead air. There were crickets. Literally! I should have put a clock on it, but it was grand. Finally the others returned and then it was rose ceremony time.

Andi, as mentioned, got one already. Three more would be handed out, with one person going home. In my mind, it could only be Chelsie. The roses went in order to:

1. Nikki
2. Clare
3. Renee

I was sweating a bit on the last one. It had to be Renee but what if he let her go? That would have been too devastating a week for me.

Juan Pablo was in tears. Why, though? It's not like he had any kind of connection with Chelsie. I can't imagine what Sharleen was going through watching Chelsie not get the rose.

Chelsie, for her part, was cheery. Sure there were some tears in the limo, but she smiled through them. She thought it was sweet to see JP so sad about her leaving. It made her feel better. So well played, JP, well played.

Next week we've got two friggin' episodes. I'm against that. That's totally unnecessary and uncalled for. I'm putting in for overtime. But I guess the "hometowns take a dramatic turn" so it calls for double the drama. And then in the fantasy suite episode, whenever that is, Andi couldn't wait to get out of there in the morning. Chris Harrison warns that this episode "will shock America." We're not so shockable in Canada.

Juan Pablo 6: No comprende

Where were we? Ah yes, week six. We're chugging along at a good clip, aren't we? I'm enjoying this season for a couple of reasons: 1. Our protagonist seems like a good dude with a decent sense of humour who doesn't keep around crazies, and 2. The absence of crazies. I guess things can still heat up but I'm liking how little drama there is this year compared to others. Everyone is relatively sane and likeable. Sure, I have my favourites, but there's no one I can't stand. That's a first.

I found a picture of one anyway

Oh, before we get started, Amy in the comments section last week asked if I could add a button on the site so people could easily post to Facebook. After extensive Binging, I couldn't figure out how to do it. And then I stumbled across the 'More' drop-down menu at the top of the page. Click on it and you can share by email, share with Facebook, and share with Twitter (and report abuse). So get on it, people! Start sharing.

Okay, let's head down to New Zealand. Juan Pablo can meet us there in his float plane. Not sure where he was flying in from. I didn't think float planes flew great distances but what do I know?

Cassandra got lots of face time this week, mainly because it was her 22nd birthday. And also because The Bachelor producers love foreshadowing. Cass never thought she'd travel to New Zealand. Probably, I'm guessing, because she'd never once thought of New Zealand in her life. There's an outside chance she'd never even heard of it before.

Clare was eager to put last week's sex in the Vietnamese sea episode behind her by clearing the air with Juan Pablo. She said the whole thing "blew up in my face." Probably not the most the sensitive metaphors considering she was talking about Vietnam.

Andi got the first one-on-one date, which disappointed Clare. But Clare was reading the date card. And not once in the history of this storied franchise has the person reading the card been the one to get the one-on-one. Tip for future contestants: If you want a one-on-one, never read the date card!

Cassandra told us numerous times how she hadn't dated in so long. Reminder: Cass is 21 years old with a two-year-old son. She's done more dating than many women her age. She got the sniffles when she didn't get the one-on-one, which she was expecting because it was her birthday and everything. So she turned to... any guesses?... that's right, Renee, the Den Mother. She's always there with a shoulder to cry on. Renee calmed her down. She's awesome, that Renee is. Too bad about the tramp stamp, though.

I'm beginning to think (after 18 seasons – I'm quick on the uptake) the people on this show might get help with expressing their thoughts. I know Andi's a lawyer and supposedly smart, but when she said they were in the land of volcanoes and they can all "feel the pressure" and that "emotions are bubbling," my spidey-senses were tingling. That's got marketing/ad copy hackdom written all over it. There's too much of that. I'm sure they get talking points they can draw from. Thankfully it appears the "there for the wrong reasons" talking point has been removed this season.

Andi and JP started their date off in a speedboat zipping along the water. They stopped at some rocks and the driver apparently told them to get out. I'm not sure because he was speaking in New Zealandese and I couldn't understand a word he was saying. So they peeled off their clothes and hopped into the drink. Andi had been sitting a while so she had a wedgie in her bathing suit. Or her bathing suit was wedgied. I'm not sure how to phrase that. I wish I had The Bachelor writers to help me.

They walked through huge rocks in cold water. All I could think of what kind of weird fishy things were under water and what kind of horrific insects were nearby. The show can protect you from crazy high-wire stunts but it can't protect you from nature. Even the macho Crocodile Hunter died from a stingray. (I also thought about the camera operator who was ahead of them taking the potential hits so it was probably safer than I imagine.)

LITERALLY count: "We're literally, like, in, like, a tunnel between caves." Andi. VERDICT: On first blush, you might think this is correct. My wife did, bless her heart. But a tunnel is an artificial underground passage. This wasn't even enclosed! I grant that it was tunnel-like (as opposed to "like, a tunnel") but my final verdict is INCORRECT.

This was, sadly – and literally – the only LITERALLY count of the evening.

Picture them under a waterfall

They eventually found their way to a waterfall where they Blue Lagooned it, making out in the cascading water, his trunks slipping down to reveal butt crack while Andi does the patented Jill Leg Wrap®.

One anonymous commenter last week suggested that perhaps I was jumping to conclusions about what happened in the water with Clare last week. I don't know how it could be interpreted any other way. What we saw – and what his impressionable daughter could see – last week was tame in comparison to the sexy shenanigans with Andi (and everyone else), yet his reaction was completely over the top with Clare. Makes no sense if they weren't enjoying an electric eel ride.

JP likes Andi. He thinks she is "so cool." Then again, he likes most of the girls. They had dinner in front of a geyser, which "completely ruined our dinner," said Andi. But she didn't care. She got the rose and more smooches. And with the geyser erupting in the background, Andi said, "Our chemistry is bursting through as well." Or at least that's what she was fed by the producers.

Next up was the group date, which Cassandra found herself on despite it being her birthday and she deserved a one-on-one. Actually, she was fine about it. Like I said, everyone's pretty chill this season and I appreciate it. She, along with Kat, Sharleen, Chelsie, Renee and Nikki went to the top of a hill, slipped inside a giant ball, and rolled down the hill. Why isn't this a thing everywhere? I would so do that, and I'm no thrill-seeker.

Cassandra had the line of the night when she commented on the scenery: "It reminds me of Ohio but we don't have hills." Um, okay. Cassandra reminds me of Einstein but she's way better looking and a lot dumber.

With all the ladies in their bathing suits, this is where I learned about Renee's unfortunate tramp stamp. But as an elder, she must be given some slack. Those hideous inky bums were all the rage in her youth. And she's so swell in every other way, I'll overlook it.

At night they went to Hobbiton, which is where they filmed Lord of the Rings. Fun fact: I only could sit through half of the first one and not a minute of any of the following ones. And yet I gleefully have watched 18 seasons of The Bachelor! What does that say about me? I don't want to find out.

When Renee got JP alone, the kisses continued. She is so sweet, that one. I think I want her to win. Shar's my favourite, as you all know, but she's too good for JP – and quite possibly for anyone. But Renee would be great with him – and quite possibly anyone.

I should have nicknamed her Ringo because of all her rings and half-rings, but I only noticed them last week. It's too late now. She'll remain the Den Mother.

Nikki told JP she's "totally falling for you." Her natural reaction is to pull back. But she didn't pull back when the kisses started.

And you'll never believe this, but Sharleen was questioning both her and JP's feelings. I know, right? Usually she's so self-assured and confident. But man, Juan Pablo has a thing for her. It might all be physical, though, because she just sat down and said hello when he jumped right into her mouth. She uttered a phrase that sounded like "two shakes of a lamb's tail" or something about a lamb's tail to describe how quickly he kiss-attacked her. He didn't know what it meant. It was the first of three new words or phrases he learned this week, along with "frazzled" and "bolt."

She had to keep stopping so she could get to her insecurities. She asked him, "How do you think I'm feeling?" JP's answer was great. He didn't give it a moment's thought, just quickly replied, "You're feeling great. A little scared." Man, he's good. She bought it.

In this episode when JP was learning more English, Shar-Shar told him that "the process is a little inorganic." Juan Pablo responded, "I understand you." Yeah, frazzled and bolt are too much for him but inorganic process is no problem.

JP told Sharleen to Zen it out. That is, live in the moment and don't question things. Telling Shar not to question things is like telling the sun not to shine. If she ever stops, it's the end of life as we know it.

Cassandra got some alone time with Juan Pablo but there were no kisses. And I doubt it's because he was thinking of little Camila. She told him she respects him as a dad, which might have been poor wording on her part. Either he's a father-figure to her or she's a dad. Either way, probably not what he wanted to hear.

JP was sure he was "going to have a happy ending." But he'll have to save that for the Fantasy Suite. He had a rose to give out and it was going to be tough. Renee thought it should go to Cass because she needed it. And it was her birthday. And because Renee is a freakin' saint! I thought it could have gone to any number of them, but physical attraction won out and Sharleen got it. Don't get me wrong, I think he also loves her intellect, her uniqueness, and her talent, but the heart wants what it wants. Or maybe I'm projecting.

Immediately after handing the rose to Sharleen, he asks to speak to Cassandra outside. Maybe finally she'd get her birthday present! And she did. She got a one-way ticket back to the United States to see her son! That Juan Pablo, what a guy! He spun it nicely, that she was gorgeous, funny and so nice but he wished they were in the same chapter in life. In other words, she's a baby and he's a grown man.

She took it really well. He cut off any disappointment at the pass by saying this wasn't about disappointment. "It's about growing. And you've grown a lot." Happy Birthday! Now get lost. In the limo out of there, she reiterated that she's been waiting "so long" for love. Did I mention I have underwear as old as she is?

Next up was the much-anticipated date with Clare. They had a chin-wag right off the bat. He told her he was still trying to figure out his boundaries. The ocean is a natural boundary, isn't it? So technically she didn't cross it. When she asked what his boundaries were, he said he never kisses a woman or holds hands in front of Camila. I see... I think. So it's safe to assume these are shifting boundaries. But to his credit, he's limited his kissing to about six women. And sex to just one. So far.

But here's where it gets ambiguous. She asks, "Did we do something inappropriate?" If it was no more than kissing or maybe second base under the waves, what's all the hullaballoo? Then again, if all they did was kiss passionately in the 4 a.m. pounding surf, then the answer to her question has to be a resounding no. But then it's no worse than his actions with the others. Oy this is a conundrum!

And then – and then! – after all that hot air, they sit on the shore and kiss like there's no tomorrow. Totally appropriate!

She's relieved and wants to stay. Even more so when he gives her the rose. They slow dance in sweat pants and kiss alone in his room. Again, totally appropriate! Nothing to see here, Camila. Move along.

At the cocktail party, he gets it on with Nikki. When JP tells her he's wearing pink underwear, this was the exchange:

Nikki: I like a man in pink.
JP: I like pink a lot.
Nikki: I like you a lot.

Boom! Nikki executed her game plan to perfection. JP likes her, too. "Watch out!" he exclaimed. Sure, it's vague enough to mean nothing, but it could also mean something.

But then he seems to have a great connection with the only single mom remaining, the Den Mother herself, Renee. "I could be the one loving life with her," he said. He also said, with a straight face, that there's nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid. He's obviously not on Facebook.

The women know what's what. Chelsie and Kat knew it was a battle between them for last place. A Kat fight, you might say. Chelsie is the one who felt frazzled. Kat has been journalling. She told JP about her drunk dad passed out beside her 5-year-old self. It was probably her father, she reckons, who instilled her fear of disappointment. That settled it right there for Juan Pablo. JP's all about people overcoming their fears. Maybe she won't be afraid of disappointment now. He's a hero.

Still, both Kat and Chelsie felt more confident after talking with the man of their dreams.

At the rose ceremony, Andi, Sharleen and Clare were safe. With Cassandra already on a flight home, one more would be joining her. The roses were handed out in order to:

1. Nikki
2. Renee
3. Chelsie

Leaving Kat out in the cold. Cue Sharleen's tears. Big smile from Kat, though, and a cheery, "Good luck!" But Shar was inconsolable. Again. In the limo, Kat's emotions got ahold of her. "I think the problem is my whole life I've been told how great I am and what a catch I am and yet here I sit."

So what was up with Sharleen? She claimed to be happy to be there and happy to be moving on, but she feels "guilty going on. I can see other girls here suiting him better." All episode we saw teases of her saying, "I think it's best that I leave." Let this be a lesson in context. Here's the full quote they showed at the end: "I'm going to give it another week and see if there's something I'm missing. And if I absolutely cannot see myself with Juan Pablo, I think it's best that I leave." A little different, no?

Don't get me wrong, she still might pull herself from the proceedings, but who knows for sure? If she's a ball of tears when someone else gets sent home, she might very well want to be proactive about her own farewell. Or maybe she just realizes she can't be with a guy who picks up sheep poop with his bare hands and starts a poop fight. She's got class! I'm hoping he just misunderstood what "two shakes of a lamb's tail" meant.

Next week, Miami! Boring. Why not Venezuela? Hope that's coming another time.

Juan Pablo 5: Doing the deed in the deep, indeed!

That's how you do it, Sean Lowe! I hope the newlywed was watching as Juan Pablo deflowered the first of many señoritas well ahead of the Fantasy Suite formal offering. I can't believe JP actually took advice from the virginal Sean before heading into his adventure this season. That's like Rafael Nadal getting tennis tips from me before heading out to a Grand Slam event. JP knows what he's doing. It's just funny he continues to pay lip service to his daughter throughout it all.

Yes, JP and Clare did indeed do the deed in the deep. But we'll get to that. Let's take it in order, shall we?

This week Juan Pablo took his eleven ladies to the magical destination of Vietnam. The beauty of chickens in cages throughout the streets and people sailing in giant wicker bowls on murky waterways. Not only that but birds! Did you catch that? Nurse Nikki pointed in awe and exclaimed, "Birds!" Sure enough, a dozen seagull-like avians alit from the waters. You had to be there, I guess, but it was pretty spectacular.

Den Mother Renee got the first one-on-one date card, asking, "Are we the right fit?" It sounded more foreboding than it actually was. She was really excited, not only about the one-on-one but at the prospect of getting her first kiss from JP. She was so excited, in fact, her hands hurt... Wait, let me run that back again... Yup, that's what she said: her hands hurt.

D.A. Andi, meanwhile, was "super-worried." She was this week's Nikki, who reverted back to her nice, normal persona.

LITERALLY count: "We have travelled literally to the other side of the world." – Renee. VERDICT: Wrong. A globe doesn't have sides. But Viet Nam is still not on the opposite side of the globe from California. A quick glance at my globe tells me it's Madagascar, or thereabouts, although a case could be made for Iran, if you want to stay in the Northern Hemisphere. But that's eyeballing it. It's not literal.

Renee is a natural beauty, if you ask me, and seems like a solid person. You know Sharleen is my favourite, but I'd put Renee right up there with her. And Renee, unlike Shar-Sar, actually wants to be there.

We were led to believe that JP was on the fence with Renee, but if that were the case, he'd be nuts. And he's not nuts. He's a horndog, but he's not nuts. But he hadn't kissed her yet so what gives? And with the date card questioning if they were a fit, one had to wonder. Even on their date, he hailed a pedicab, then proceeded to steal it, hopping on the seat and pedalling away while Renee sat alone up front. He risked arrest rather than having to sit uncomfortably beside the single mom.

But you see the date card was also a pun! Ah, good times. Renee was to be measured for her own Vietnamese dress. The seamstress spent an awfully long time measuring her bust. Or at least the camera man (it had to be a dude) getting every possible angle. Even JP stuck his head right in close to read the tape that said 36. Nothing untoward here. He was probably just checking for his daughter.

Renee wasn't all that comfortable because she was sweating profusely. Or maybe it was just hot. Either way, it's super attractive, am I right, fellas?! So much so that JP just took off. He returned with a fan to cool her down. Oh, that Juan Pablo. He has a way with women.

"He makes me feel beautiful," said Renee, who does a pretty good job of being beautiful all by herself. She is smitten. And when JP suggests getting gifts for her Ben and his Camila, Renee is "speechless." And she really wants to kiss him. Still.

She wears her new frock that night and she looks gorgeous in it, as she would have looked no matter what she wore. And her eyes "hypnotize" Juan Pablo. He also thinks, "Honestly, there could be something here." So he offers her the rose and... no kiss. Just a quick peck on the cheek and a hug. Hey, she has a son! How could this father of a daughter possibly kiss a woman with a son? Grow up, people!

Renee, naturally, took it all in stride. No weird drama from her. She said, "If Juan Pablo doesn't kiss me tonight, that's okay." She amended that to, "It's whatever. It is what it is." This woman is too normal and well-adjusted for this show. What's she hiding?!

Next up was another one-on-one date, only this time with eight other women tagging along. The eight paired up while Clare and JP formed a union in one of those wicker teacup boats. They wound up in weeds and JP took the time to forget about his daughter and start making out with the 32-year-old hairdresser. To her credit, she appeared to back away as his mouth lurched to hers. I didn't think she should have been the subject of catty remarks just because she didn't pair up with anyone. It's not like she jumped forward to put her claim on JP.

Andi the Whiner found a moment to whisper to Juan Pablo about her worries. JP reminded her, "Didn't you get a group date rose?" He resisted the urge to add, "Then shut your trap."

On a walk, they come across a farmer who leads them to his house. Totally unplanned! The man had ten extra Asian field worker hats lying around, which coincidentally was the exact number of his guests. (It's also possible he just went around the house scooping up all his lamp shades.) He sent them out to the fields to pretend to farm, then his wife, I'm guessing, whipped up a meal using all the strange and wonderful produce they pretended to pick. Would Clare, who wouldn't try octopus without a scene, try it? That was the big question. Or not so much. The editors obviously forgot they made her out to be a very picky eater last week. No issues at all this week. It's this consistency that marks this as one of the top shows on television.

At their night party, JP takes his date Clare off while the other eight tag-alongs sit and pick their noses. Up to JP's suite they go, because, remember, he's totally not on a group date or anything. He "just wanted to have a good time with her and make her feel special." That's all. Oh, and look, she happens to have her bikini with her! May as well slip it on and go for a dip in his pool.

It's a chilly night and a chilly pool. Clare does the Jillian Leg-Wrap® in the water while Camila sits home and cries. And Renee, too, probably.

To be fair, JP spends some time with the others, too. He takes beautifully quirky Shar-Shar, bare back and all, for a walk on the beach. It won't surprise you to learn that Sharleen is questioning their connection again. She "feels like another face in the crowd again." Juan Pablo eases her stress by ramming his tongue down her throat. If you're wondering, it's okay because by this time little Camila would have fallen asleep.

Shar had a checklist of questions she was going to fire at Juan Pablo but those kisses knocked them right out of her head.

LITERALLY count: "I mean, literally it is gut-wrenching at times to see these girls have one-on-one time with Juan Pablo." – Andi. VERDICT: Sorry, wrong again. Her stomach was not literally being twisted and turned. It may have felt like that, but I'm pretty sure it stayed in place.

Andi got her own one-on-one time, as they always do. She also went to the beach and "next thing you know, we're sucking face again. Sorry Mom, another episode you can't watch." So allow me to extrapolate: Andi has strict restrictions on the television for her mother, while JP can't stop his four-year-old daughter from watching anything she wants at all hours? Got it.

Clare got the rose, which is only fitting because it was her one-on-one date, afterall. She got it for supposedly doing things out of her comfort zone. I guess that was when she backed away in the giant floating teacup when JP went in for the kiss.

Andi was confused and was wondering what she was even doing there.

But that was not the end of the date. Now we're at the part we led off with. It's 4 in the morning. Clare has the sudden urge to knock one item off her bucket list: she wants to swim in the ocean. I'm not sure Clare is clear on the concept of a bucket list, but whatever. It's something she's always wanted to do. So she sneaks up to JP's room. It is 4 a.m. but who knows when the group called it a night because JP is still dressed. She floats her idea past him and because he's a gentleman who obviously wants her to feel comfortable, he agrees. It also helped that he said she's "on fire" and added "aye yi yi."

I'm sure it was also his concern for her safety in the briny that "he was holding on pretty tight and not letting go." Of course, from the camera shots from shore in the dark, we couldn't see anything that, say, a four-year-old girl would raise her eyebrows at. But Clare raised her eyebrows – literally! – when she said they "just went for it. Pure bliss. In every way." Nuff said. The whole thing was hard for her to even process, "just like a newborn giraffe with wobbly legs"... Okay, so analogies aren't her thing, but cut her some slack, she was hardly thinking straight at that point.

The last one-on-one date went to the newly normal Nurse Nikki, back from her one-week purgatory as the in-house Whiner. Earlier Juan Pablo described the woman he's looking for as fun, smart and mature. After so much camera time with two 32-year-olds in Renee and Clare, the 26-year-old Nikki seemed decidedly less mature. Actually, I'm not sure Clare seemed all that mature, but at 32 one thinks of it more as 'youthful'. But no matter, she just seemed really young. Could have been the headband she was wearing, though.

JP describes Nikki as "gorgeous, smart and sexy." That'll do for now.

They go on a date to Hell. Turns out Hell is the cave's name. The idea is they'd go rappelling down into the abyss but get this... Nikki is afraid of heights! No way, right?! What are the odds?! She was frozen in fear but you knew she was going to do it. They always do it. Her que sera, sera attitude was, "I either live or I die or I poop my pants." Of these three, we know that she didn't die. That's all we need to know. She said it was "a lot like falling in love. You're trusting the other person and you also have very little control." She might have been talking about her bowels, but we can't be sure.

At the bottom, Juan Pablo whipped out his tongue and the two got it on. It was the gentlemanly thing to do. Camila would understand.

At dinner in another cave, Juan Pablo, fresh off his ocean adventure with Clare, admitted that he "didn't sleep that much last night." He could barely contain his inner dude. He was dying to tell someone he shagged Clare and Nikki was right there, but he ultimately decided to just hint at it.

Nikki asked if he couldn't sleep because he was so excited about their upcoming date. Juan Pablo didn't miss a beat, saying, "You're funny! No, it was because I was having sex in the sea." (He didn't say the second sentence but you could tell he really wanted to.)

Nikki said she's not a morning person. And we already knew JP isn't. I think she might have ruined her shot with him. He wants someone to wake up with his daughter on weekends, I'm sure. They can't both be sleeping in. Yin and yang.

She admitted she's never dated anyone with a child before, but JP was impressed with her fantastic heart. "She cares a lot about people and that's too attractive to me," he said. He called her a "potential wife" and gave her a rose.

The cocktail party was set amongst colourful lanterns – "the perfect setting for a first kiss," said ever-hopeful Renee. She really was a darling. I can't help but imagine what she's thinking watching all of this at home on her TV, seeing everyone else get full-on lip locks and that special Clare getting the full-on Full Monty while she eagerly and politely awaits first base.

JP assembled his guests and informed that three would be going home at the end of the evening. So... enjoy! Clare proposed a toast: "Cheers to finding love, being loved, and making love!" met with confused looks and nervous titters.

Andi, playing the role of Nikki this week, said she didn't know if she was beyond the physical with Juan Pablo. The suave South American told her not to be nervous and then said en español, "Gimme a little kiss." Question answered.

Meanwhile, this was Renee's moment. When she sat down with the man of her dreams, he told her his reasons for not kissing her: "I don't want Ben to be pissed at me." Renee was nonplussed: "He knows what I'm doing," she said. Bang, it's on! He moves right on in and they go at it fiercely. "It was definitely worth the wait," glowed Renee.

But now JP was having second thoughts about fornicating with Clare. He said he made a mistake and took it too far. When he sat down with Clare, he told her it was a little weird for him. She was perplexed and he answered that he's "too fair" with people. There are 10 other women there, afterall. Clare's point was that she was just doing what she'd be doing even if there weren't 10 other women there, if there weren't cameras following them around. Fair point. But as Juan Pablo pointed out, "We're not in that situation."

He brought up his daughter again, which brought Clare to tears. "It wasn't my intention to disrespect your daughter," she said. "I feel stupid and embarrassed." Now JP was on the defensive, going into papa mode, consoling Clare, telling her it was okay. Clare responded, "It's not okay or you wouldn't have brought it up with me." Little did either of them know the final footage was innocuous. There's no way a 40-year-old, let alone a 4-year-old, could tell what they were doing in the ocean that looked any worse than what we've already seen on land.

When the other girls saw Clare's tears, without knowing what happened, she covered it up like a pro: "Bad allergies, girl," she told them. But she was still upset. "It takes a lot for me to open up," she said. Uh, not that much, apparently. Just a gentle surf pounding on the shore.

She offered to give her rose back but JP refused. After all, there's plenty of ocean in New Zealand, where they're heading to next.

At the rose ceremony, Clare, Nikki and Renee were all safe. JP would hand out five more roses. And they went to:

1. Sharleen the Opera Queen
2. Cassandra the former NBA dancer/groupie
3. Chelsie the science educator
4. Kat
5. D.A. Andi

They left Andi for last only because she was fretting all episode, but there was no doubt be chosen. Meanwhile Danielle, who's only been a rumour all season, wasn't fretting at all. At least she got to leave with her dignity intact. And her anonymity. Along with Danielle, Nanny Alli and Dog Lover Kelly all went home. Danielle said she knew there wasn't a strong connection. Spoken like a true psychiatric nurse. Alli took it a little harder, but not much. And there was no footage of Kelly saying anything.

Juan Pablo cried more than any of the three he sent home. But what was up with my garl Sharl? Tears were streaming down her face. This is when you're supposed to be raising a glass to the next stage of the adventure and all smiles. But she's a different one, that Shar. God love her.

In the upcoming highlights, though, it's hinted that she's going to leave on her own at some point. I hope this is nothing more than a false tease.