Bachelorette Andi: One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl

If you think this week's recap is late, wait until next week. Two full episodes on Sunday and Monday? I hate when that happens. I think it's ABC's way of getting back at bloggers. It's like we've got nothing else to do but sit around and blog about silly reality TV all day.

Before we get started, a big shout-out to my legions of Twitter followers. Since announcing the @BachelorBlogger handle last week, readers have flocked to it to the tune of, on average, one per day! Look out, Twitterverse. We're at 11 followers and counting. If each one of them tells two friends, and they, in turn, tell two more friends each, pretty soon it'll be one giant Faberge Organic Shampoo commercial.

Okay, y'all ready for week 2's recap? Are y'all pretty much sick of hearing "y'all" all the time? I haven't heard it this much since Hee Haw went off the air. Good Lord, Andi says it a lot. So much for being an educated lawyer. By my count, she uttered the totally unnecessary pluralized third person plural sixteen (16) times, not counting the one time she said "you all." It's clearly Andi's very own "Ees okay." You see, Andi? One man's ceiling is another woman's floor. What other cliché can I torture? How about, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw insults.

But does that vocal tic count as this season's 'literally'? She also threw around the term 'epic' quite a bit. But her go-to word when surprised by something somebody says is "stop!" or "stop it!" Stop with the "stop!" already. It's epic.

Nineteen men started out the show; only sixteen would remain. Two hours to elimate three dudes. Yet they need two full episodes next week? We started the show seeing them pounding Caesars first thing in the morning. Hair of the dog, and all that. It got Craig off on the right foot, anyway.

Andi gushed that the guys were "all here for me." It's ye olde foreshadowing trick. (Incidentally, it occurred to me during the show – and I'm sure it's not original to me – that the practice of using one of the contestants from one season as the Bachelor or Bachelorette in the next season pretty much guarantees that at least a handful of them won't be there "for the right reasons." Maybe that's what they want, though.)

The first one-on-one date went to Eric the Explorer. You can rest assured there will be at least one snark-free segment on this blog. Not only is the guy just plain likeable and they made a good couple, but, as we've all heard by now, Eric died shortly after filming this season. I have no idea how far he got and I eschew spoilers so I'll just need to go on this emotional roller coaster until the end.

Andi and Eric frolicked on the beach, building sand castles and flying kites. Eric, proving he didn't watch last season's Bachelor at all, said Andi "seems like the kind of person who gets along with everyone." Sure, as long as they adhere to her worldview. My guess about Eric's viewing habits was pretty much confirmed when a helicopter touched down and he thought, "That's for us?" If I were ever on that show, for every helicopter overhead I'd assume they were coming to get me. But they obviously don't get American reality TV in Syria or Guatemala. I was so hoping that Anal Emil, the helicopter pilot who got the boot last week, would be driving that thing.

The chopper whisked the couple up to Bear Mountain where they learned how to snowboard. I was so hoping that Steven, the rad snowboard developer who got the snowboot last week, would be the one to teach them. I would have been so stoked.

They ate dinner in a cabin on the mountain. There was some forced laughter, but there was a definite connection. Eric told his scary Syria story and then talked about his future family plans, which was sad to listen to. Needless to say, Explorer Eric got the rose, handled awkwardly by Andi.

The group date saw 14 fellas strip down for charity. They took off their trou's and slipped on their marble bags and shook their booty. For charity. Sharleen and the Dog Lady from last season were there for no apparent reason. There was no winner.

Keep calm: ITS should be IT'S

The over-exuberant Craig, still buzzed from his Caesars, said, "I hope she loves me. I love her!" You knew he'd be the comic relief. Later on he asked for some extra padding for his package. When he was offered too much, he said he wanted to fill it out, "not give hope for no reason." The man has integrity in his lies; you've got to give him that much.

When one of the Nicks bent over, Andi said she "saw a part of a man no woman is supposed to see." I'm still mulling that one over. Maybe she should have phrased it thusly: "I saw a part of a man a woman taint supposed to see." But at least it was for charity! (I did mention it was for charity, didn't I? You can do anything you like as long as it's for charity.)

After the show, Craig kept compounding his overbearing personality with pounding shots. When he got some alone time with Andi, she said he could ask her anything so he hits her with, "What's the worst thing about your parents?" Boom! No answer. He took off, jumped in the pool with his clothes on, and thereby tainted (sorry, there's that word again) the other 13 because... well... because Andi has issues and expectations.

"They do get that they're here to date, right?" she asked, all judge-y. And you do get that they're not all Craig, right? One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl. Hell, the Osmonds taught us that lesson in 1970.

Such a drama queen. "How did this happen?!" she wailed. "Am I doing the right thing being here?" She gave a stern talking to to the others, as if they had anything to do with it.

I was worried about Craig in the hot tub with all that alcohol in his system because I'm a responsible, and cowardly, pool-goer. I read all the signs and I know they say don't go in when you've been drinking. I don't know what could happen. You could explode maybe.

Despite (or probably because of) Opera Man serenading her in fake opera, the rose went to Marcus, the youngest guy there. He's sweet but his age will eventually eliminate him.

The next one-on-one went to Farmer Chris. I was absolutely certain this was her way of sending him home. She'd take him out of the mansion, show him a good time, then send him on his way. After all, he's a farmer! When he heard his date card read "Let's get our love on track," he said, "We''re going on a train!" It was adorable, actually. And he's not the handsomest hombre on the ranch (think of a pudgier Matthew McConaughey). They just don't seem like a good fit. When he said, "No matter what happens today, I'm a winner," I thought for sure he was going home.

On his way out, he said he was going to go "put some lipstick on this pig," which I thought was an odd phrase for a guy with no lips.

But he "cleaned up nice" – another phrase in the running for over-use. The pair went to see the sulkies at the race track. For some reason, they dressed in 1940s attire, like horse racing is this artifact from a museum. While there, two old actors were told to interrupt the couple and ask if they minded telling them how long they'd been together. The old actors pretended to be married for 55 years. The set-up drew this from Andi: "I think I picked a winner." Man, now she has to manufacture a reason to dump him, I thought, still certain he was a goner.

But he got the rose! Go figure! I even saw some love for the guy on Twitter (not from me, although I am on Twitter, too, remember: @BachelorBlogger?). So go figure. Maybe I'm not the great judge of hunky men I thought I was.

After she gave him the rose, they were given a private concert by some Amish guy on a guitar as Andi tried to dance and the two kissed. Again, not sure how that was physically possible but they went at it a long time. Did not see that coming. At all.

At the cocktail party, Nick V, who went dateless this episode, made up his own date card to give to Andi. It read, "Let's get things poppin'," proving he didn't get any help from the producers because popcorn was not involved.

They talked about the virtues of being picky when it comes to significant others. And, presumably, the corollary: growing old alone. Why settle for good when the elusive great is out there somewhere? (There might be a Moby Dick reference or analogy I could make but I've never read it.)

We learned one thing at the cocktail party: Marquel is colourblind. He was wearing a brown chequered shirt, green floral patterned tie, and multi-coloured socks.

Craig felt the need to not apologize to Andi for his drunkenness the other night. What better way than to sing a goofy song while accompanying himself on guitar: "I messed up last night/ I had too much Firefly/ I bared my junk to 13 other guys but I/ Hope and pray that it's alright/ Oh Andi, please let me stay." He told us he was feeling horrible but we saw no evidence of him expressing that sentiment to Andi. No worries, though, because she's such a forgiving person...

With Eric, Marcus and Chris pre-rosed, that left 13 others to sweat it out while three would go home. The roses went in order to:

1. Ron (who wasn't even in this episode! I thought he went home last week)
2. Dylan, the accountant
3. JJ, the pantsapreneur, this time wearing a regular tie
4. Colourblind Marquel
5. Andrew, the social media marketer
6. Tasos, the wedding planner
7. Jock Josh
8. Cody, the limo pusher
9. Nick V., the software salesman
10. Patrick, the soccer-play ad exec
11. Coach Brian
12. Brett, the hairstylist with the floor lamp
13. Opera man

So goodbye it was to the bald guy, the tattooed guy and the drunk. That'd be Nick S, the golfer, Carl, the firefighter, and, of course, Craig. My theory on tattoos holds for at least another episode: Carl couldn't wear a tie or long-sleeves because that would cover up his body art. I've long believed that there hasn't ever been a tattoo that can ever be covered up for any length of time.

That's it for this week. Two shows next week. Ugh. But we'll get through it. Not sure about Andi, though.

Bachelorette Andi: An embarrassment of riches is half right

Look who's back! Yes, I capitulated. At the end of last season, I was so disgusted with the pile-on of Juan Pablo, instigated largely by Andi, that I declared if she were chosen as the next Bachelorette, I would sit the season out. It was rash.

Then I decided to tweet under my own name the blog entries of my defence of Juan Pablo. Turns out Juan Pablo himself liked them and retweeted to his fans. It also turns out I wasn't alone and I received many nice comments from people who'd never seen this blog before. (And why should they have? In all the years writing it, I never once publicized it anywhere. I just figured I do it for fun and whoever stumbles across it, stumbles across it.)

It occurred to me after that brief flurry of tweets and retweets that I could make a Twitter account for this very blog. I have the technology! So I did. You can follow it, too, if you like. As of this writing, I have a grand total of three followers. But it'll grow, I'm sure. Maybe by the end of the week, I'll be up to five. From there, maybe even double digits! I'm at @BachelorBlogger. I'll tweet whenever I post a new blog entry and if I ever think of anything between posts. So hop on the Twitter bandwagon. One thing I won't do, however, is tweet during the show. One, because with kid's bedtimes and the occassional night playing basketball, I usually watch the show after the fact. And two, because I was such a vocal opponent of the distracting Twitter scroll the show used to run at the bottom of the screen. (I'm taking partial credit that they no longer employ this annoying practice.)

@BachelorBlogger

Okay, with all that out of the way, let's get on with the show.

Only 90 minutes? How many seasons has it been since an episode has been under two hours? Does this single the end of the storied franchise? Is the network tiring of the premise? Is it a knock on Andi? Is it a knock on the dullards they selected to court her? Hard to tell. Maybe it's a one-off and we'll be back to the 2-hour marathon sessions next week.

We opened with a sombre Chris Harrison. I hadn't heard the news about Eric Hill. Didn't even know who he was. But Harrison informed us he died after the filming of this season, which puts a bit of a damper on everything, for sure. Especially seeing his smiling face and seeing him selected to carry on. Google tells me it was a paragliding accident. Sad.

In the abbreviated 90-minute episode, we didn't get the usual filmed segments of various wannabes. We caught up with Andi, though, and any new viewers were introduced to her. We saw her in action in an almost empty courtroom. I'm sure the sitting judge was thrilled to allow the Bachelorette cameras in. They always lend a touch of class and heft to court proceedings, I find.

Andi said she puts "the bad guys away." Implied in that statement is "and the occasional wrongly accused." I know law enforcement likes to use the cartoon-like notions of good vs evil. It's their certainty that is most troubling. It's that kind of black & white thinking that led her to paint Juan Pablo as a "bad" guy rather than simply a guy who wasn't suited for her.

We saw her taking down her diploma. I missed why. Presumably her job wouldn't give her another few months off work to go galavanting around the globe kissing guys when she should be concentrating on putting more of the general population behind bars. But surely she's not giving up her career and this is just a temporary setback. I'm sure she can find another job in her area when her 15 minutes of fame runs out.

And Georgia, too, apparently

In each season there's usually one phrase that pops up over and over again. The jury's still out on this season. What will it be? My money was on "gosh" as Andi uttered it four times in quick succession. But then that fizzled out. "Literally" was only used two or three times that I counted. It's still in the running. "At the end of the day" is another possibility. But last night it was "y'all". Andi said it six times. Figures, since she's from Atlanta and all, but she's lost her southern accent so why not lose the redundant affectation, too? For the record, "y'all", like "youse", is unnecessary. "You" suffices for both singular and plural. Context does the heavy lifting for us. It's amazing how our brains can differentiate between singular and plural using the same word in different contexts. Do y'all get it?

I used the term "dullards" above to describe the suitors this season. Sure, I'm being hard on them and rushing to judgment. But my judgments are fluid. They can change from week to week. Based on their limo exits and greetings, I assigned only six check marks out of 25 possibilities. On first glance, I thought these guys showed promise:

• Marcus, the baby of the group at 25 years of age (although I wasn't impressed with his overly earnest "I have a lot to give and offer" he told her right off the top),
• Marquel, the 26-year-old sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, who was trying to bring his "A game"
• Dylan, the 26-year-old accountant who needed some space to warm up to her a little bit
• Josh B, the 29-year-old telecommunications marketer (who's since been shown the door)
• Brian, the 27-year-old basketball coach (who must have been a weak player since he'd still be in his prime playing)
• Josh M, the 29-year-old former pro baseball player. 

That's it. Not a good slugging percentage but as I say, scores may improve over the coming weeks. And these guys may prove to be duds themselves. Funny how over-the-moon happy Andi seemed to be considering how notoriously picky she is. And Chris Harrison called the group "an embarrassment of riches." Maybe he's half right. To me, they seemed like boys. But maybe it was just in comparison to Andi's domineering personality.

At one point in the evening, the mansion went on high-alert as security intercepted an interloper who had been camping outside for the past seven days and who needed to see Andi. Boy, that guy looked familiar. I immediately knew he was a former contestant but I couldn't remember who. Turns out it was Chris from Emily's season. He was also on a season of Bachelor Pad. I just checked my back-issues of the blog and found that I referred to him as Creepy Chris. Boy, I got that wrong, didn't I?! Nothing creepy about stalking someone you could easily meet at any of the many Bachelor reunion shenanigans. Since it's one big incestuous family, there had to be more to it. I think it was less about wanting to connect with Andi as it was about clawing his way back into primetime television.

We'll find out more about the fellas as the season progresses but we can talk about a few of them now.

• Josh M. sure was humble, handsome and hunky. He's got to be the front-runner. 
• Comedians love to joke that African-American men love overweight white women. Marquel looked like he was trying to beef up Andi with that cookie tasting.
• Nick V. has ten siblings. 10! Please let him have a hometown visit. He got the first impression rose for not realizing how cute and sweet he is.
• Fresh off the success of Canada's darling, Sharleen, the opera queen, the producers selected another opera singer, Bradley. The big difference is that Shar-Shar didn't trumpet her abilities. Even if she was, she never appeared to be on the show just to further her career. Bradley was quick to bring up "talent" and promised to serenade her.
• Patrick and Andrew may strike out with Andi but they have a budding bromance of their own brewing, thanks to a shared interest in car racing.
• Credit to Andi for calling out Steven, a snowboard developer, who said he was "stoked" to be there and later described something as "rad." Not coincidentally, she dropped him at the rose ceremony.
• Marcus was quick to bring up his European upbringing and multilinguistic abilities, but when pushed revealed he only knows how to say "I can speak a little German" in German, and "I can't speak Polish" in Polish.
• JJ has three strikes in the affectations department: 1. the name "JJ", 2. occupation "pantsapreneur, 3. he wears a bow tie. Can you say "hipster"?

Nineteen of the 25 men were given roses. Odd number but whatever. (Anyone else notice how oddly she gripped each rose?) The six who got the boot were Snowboarding Steven, Attorney Rudie (too much competition for Miss Smarty-Pants), Dr. Jason, Anal Emil, Dull Ron, Telemarketing Josh B., and Bartending Mike.

Dr. Jason, who reminded me a bit of a blond Crispen Glover, sounded depressed saying he wasn't "going back to a whole lot." Yeah, saving lives sucks. Rudie thought he was going to "hit it out of the park" but struck out. But perhaps the greatest exit interview in the history of first-night exit interviews went to Josh B., who said he was "super disappointed. ... Whatever. It's embarrassing is what it is. This was something that a friend put me up to and I showed up and said, 'Oh, this is great. Yeah, sure, let's give it a try. Let's embarrass the fuck out of myself for one night, to do absolutely nothing, to accomplish nothing.' And then I'm going to call my parents tomorrow and be like, 'Yeah, that sucked. I'm coming home.' I'm gonna face reality and be embarrassed as fuck. Cool. It is what it is... This is stupid."

Awesome!

The upcoming highlights were interesting, no? I know they always want to stress the drama and make it seem like the worst happened so we don't know for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me if Andi's id reared its ugly head again and she started finding fault with everyone who didn't exactly adhere to how life is supposed to be. Remember when she said how "offensive" Juan Pablo was? Now the upcoming highlights show her saying that the "fact that people think this is a joke is so offensive to me." She gets offended easily. We also saw her crying, saying, "It's a fairy tale for a reason because it doesn't happen."

I guess we'll have to wait and see. Or I suppose you could just search for spoilers. But you won't find them here. I like watching things unfold.

Until next week.

Juan Pablo finale: A first!... for the eighth time

Here it is, the lonely corner of the interweb that will (still) defend Juan Pablo against mass hysteria. I don't know if I'm ready for the backlash amongst my 8 readers but I'll risk it.

As you all know by now, Juan Pablo shocked the nation by selecting Nikki but not proposing to her. For shame! As Chris Harrison said in the wrap-up, in 12 years, "This is a Bachelor first."

What's that? It's not? Was Chris Harrison lying to us? Misrepresenting things? Being intentionally ambiguous about what, specifically, was a "first"? Here's a quick run-down of past non-engagements:

• Season 1: Alex Michel did not propose to winner Amanda Marsh, but they entered into a relationship (that didn't last).
• Season 4: The beloved Bob Guiney (the fat Bachelor) did not propose to winner Estella Gardinier, but they decided they'd still date (it didn't last).
• Season 5: Jesse Palmer, the Canadian NFL player, did not propose to winner Jessica Bowlin, but continued to date (but not for very long).
• Season 7: Charlie O'Connell, the actor, did not propose to winner Sarah Brice, but they started an on-off relationship (that ended in the off position).
• Season 8: Dr. Travis Lane Stork did not propose to winner Sarah Stone, but they entered into a relationship (which didn't last).
• Season 9: Prince Lorenzo Borghese did not propose to winner Jennifer Wilson, but they entered into a relationship (that fizzled out).
• Season 11: Brad Womack did not propose to either of the two finalists.

Source: Wikipedia

So there you have it. There is precedence. Now, all those relationship above didn't last, so the odds are Juan Pablo and Nikki will call it quits in the not-too-distant future, too. But if we're going with stats and percentages, of the other 10 Bachelor finales that resulted in proposals, there have been two marriages (one only recently and one with the runner-up, not the winner). Of the remaining 8, only one lasted longer than a year. So chances are these latest two are doomed anyway.

So what did Chris Harrison mean when he kept telling us it was the most controversial finale in Bachelor history? Well, for starters, nothing because he says that every year. But I don't even see how it's in any way arguable this was the most controversial, given the other seven I itemized above. Truthfully, I don't remember if the other fellas avoided the L-word, but they certainly weren't subjected to the same question over and over again. Why was it so inconceivable for Chris Harrison (and the viewing public) to think someone might not be in love after only ten weeks yet still really like the person and want to continue a relationship?

But let's backtrack and rehash the episode because that's what I do.

Clare was the first to meet Juan Pablo's family in the exotic locale of Saint Lucia, which, Juan Pablo's mom insisted, looked so much like Venezuela. Clare proved she had the right motherly instincts by remarking, "How adorable was Juan Pablo with his daughter? So hot, though. I feel like it makes him that much sexier." Meanwhile, the villain Juan Pablo is just so shallow.

Throughout the dates, we were shown an almost black box in the corner where, if we looked carefully, we could see the disapproving head shakes and sideways glances of the live studio audience, all fed raw meat.

Juan Pablo's family was there to support him 100 percent. "He's hyperactive," his mom told Clare. "He's sometimes very rude," she also said.

JP's dad had a bit of a crush on Clare, I think. He held her hand throughout his talk with her and told her he loves her. Clare was swept up in the emotion: "He's a true gentleman. I see where Juan Pablo gets it," she said. Or so she thought.

Then it was Nikki's turn. To meet her new in-laws, she wore a cute little halter-top-type thing that showed off the tattooed bird flying into her armpit. No hand-holding with the dad for Nikki. He told her that Juan Pablo is "not an easy guy" and "he thinks he knows the truth in everything." JP's cousin told her that JP will "walk away when things get rough." The mom asked Nikki how she envisioned a weekend with her man. Nikki talked about taking Camila to the beach or other such fun activities. JP's mom set her straight: On the weekends, she'll be staying home watching TV. Very simple, she said.

The studio audience was predictably aghast, already ready to see everything through Andi's tinted glasses. One female told Harrison "this is going south fast." Kelly the dog lady thought both contestants were "ignoring red flags."

We were further primed about what was to come by Harrison who told us, "What's about to happen will surprise all of you... It's nothing like you've ever seen on The Bachelor before." In a nutshell, Clare and Juan Pablo would go on a date, there'd be a misunderstanding, they'd talk about it, and Clare would be satisfied with the conversation. Surprising!

Here's how it played out. The infamous Bachelor chopper made its season debut. It used to be an almost weekly sight. Now it's brought out just for momentous occasions like this.

Even though the two are wired all the time with body microphones and a cameraman accompanied them on their flight, apparently at some point there were no cameras or mics and Juan Pablo used this moment to whisper something inappropriate to Clare. She wouldn't reveal all, but a big part of it was that he felt they didn't know each other. I know, right?! The nerve of him! Very offensive. The other part was probably along the lines of something a male might say to a female he's already had sex with that could be interpreted as sexy or flirtatious in most circumstances. But regardless, Clare found it so offensive she didn't say anything about it to him on the date.

She was confused because she felt like a physical object. "If he can't tell me that he knows me well and this relationship goes further than a physical connection, I'm outta here," she threatened.

When Juan Pablo dropped by her hotel room, no besitos for him. Clare meant business. She sat him down and expressed her concerns. As much of an excuse as it sounds like, I really think this was a language issue again. When he said, "The parts of Clare I know, I like. Maybe parts of you I don't like," she took it to mean there were particular parts of her he didn't like. What he meant was that once he gets to know her more, there might be parts of her he doesn't like, just as there might be parts of him she doesn't like.

If this season has taught us anything, it's that people with different mother tongues should never hook up!

And why is it wrong to admit they really don't know all that much about each other? In fact, wasn't that Andi's whole complaint? Juan Pablo was just voicing that. The guy can't win.

He told her he likes what he's seen and it's not just physical. Then he said, "You're special to me." He said if they end up together, he just knows they'll have a baby in "a year and two months, I just know it." Also, "I feel great about you."

All encouraging words and Clare was calmed.

Now, was it right for him to lead her on like that? First, every Bachelor and Bachelorette has said things to the other finalist that could be seen to be leading them on. Every single one! Juan Pablo was no exception. And why we excuse it is because they're not necessarily lying. They believe it when they say it. They haven't made up their mind. It's gotta be tough having been intimate with two people and going on a bunch of romantic dates concurrently and then having to pick one of them when the other one is also pretty great. But with the way these three weeks have been framed, those innocent statements come off looking like dastardly douchetastic scumbaggery.

And Clare was fine with it in the moment after doing a complete 180: "He may not know me 100 percent but I know that we have something special."

Back in the studio, Sharleen morphed into a turncoat, jumping on side with the anti-Juan Pablo bandwagon in this inorganic process. Et tu, Sharleen? I guess it's almost the Ides of March so it's fitting. She thought the conversation was "painful to watch" saying she thought Clare ignored her intuition and that Juan Pablo was "quite patronizing to her, quite frankly." Also "his way of complimenting her is to say, 'You got to meet my family.'" Let's analyze that.

As I've written, he told her she's "special to me", "I feel great about you," "I like what I've seen" and "it's not just a physical attraction." When he said he took her home to meet his family, a more generous interpretation would be that he thought of her enough to be one of the two remaining women who he felt comfortable enough with to introduce to his family. I'm disappointed the usually clear-thinking Shar-Shar would get swept up in the lynch mob mentality.

Sean also used the producers' talking points, saying it was "painful to watch". He thought Juan Pablo was "talking in circles" adding, "Shoot 'er straight, man. Tell her what you're feeling." Anyone consider that maybe that's what he was doing? Maybe what Sean meant was, "Tell her what we all want him to say."

Next up was the date with Nikki. She called Juan Pablo "one of the most amazing people I've ever met." When he asked her if she had any concerns, she suggested he might be "a little guarded." Burn the heathen!

They went out on a catamaran and stopped off on a private island. While lying in the sand, Nikki asked what he'd do once there are no more private islands and reality hits. No problem, he said. He has a bed and a TV and an office. In other words, exactly what his mother warned her about. No lying – straight-up honesty. Crucify him!

That night, Nikki gave him a picture frame and a card, which ended with the words, "I love you." He kisses her as she stares off in the distance, nervous about the fate that awaits her. When he left, she sat and cried understandable tears. Of course, Chris Harrison tried to misrepresent those tears, too. On a season with no obvious villain contestants, they had to create one.

Thankfully we didn't have to see Neil Lane hocking his jewelry. We cut to the chase with Juan Pablo already with the ring. Clare was the first off the boat to the rustic meeting spot. I actually felt she'd be the one he picked. Goes to show what I know. When my wife said Juan Pablo looked uncomfortable, I saw it as content. Maybe it was a bit of both.

He talked about their ups and downs and how their talks fixed them. He threw around adjectives like unbelievable and amazing. Then he said he wished the Earth would suck him in because this was the hardest decision he's ever made. "I appreciate you being here," he said. He talked about how he'd always spoken about how people are going to go home. Then finally, "I have to say goodbye to you." He goes in for the comforting hug but Clare puts up her hands stopping him. Not so fast, fella.

She walks off, turning around to say, "I stuck around because I believed in you." She needed reassurance and he gave it to her, just as every other finalist in the history of the show got on the last date. I guess she wanted him to send her home on that date. But according to him, she was still in the running and he didn't decide until that night. He was about to tell her that but she didn't care. "Doesn't matter," she said and fumed off. Just goes to prove what mothers have been saying for years: Why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free?

When she told him she lost respect for him, the angry mob in the studio erupted in applause. And then the coup de grâce: "What you just made me go through, I would never want my children having a father like you." More applause. And with that, she was off.

After she was gone, Juan Pablo said, "Whew! I'm glad I didn't pick her!" Clare gave us a hint as to the whispered offence: "Don't tell me you love fucking me. Don't tell me that. Don't tell me you could see yourself in Sacramento and how much your family loved me. Don't tell me that." Fair enough. Maybe the sex comment was over the line, but maybe he also mistakenly thought they were at that point in their relationship since, you know, they had sex at least twice. And it's quite plausible he really could see himself in Sacramento and that his family loved her. At that point, maybe she was the frontrunner.

Then he had to wait for Nikki as he fingered the ring. Nikki said she wanted to hear all he couldn't say to that point and that she couldn't wait to tell her mom she's engaged. As per show rules, when she showed up, she had to speak first and she spoke like it was a foregone conclusion. If she didn't know she was the one, it was a very gutsy speech. She talked about wanting to be a part of his family and "can't imagine spending my life without you." Imagine if he then sent her home. Ouch.

Instead of hearing those magic words she longed to hear, Juan Pablo said, "I love so many things about you." He talked about her honesty, her caring about others, and how she'd be a good step-mom for his daughter. "One-hundred percent I don't want to let you go... I like you a lot."

Nice enough taken in a vacuum. But when you expect only an unabashed declaration of undying love, it seemed to many like a huge slap in the face. When he offered her the rose, she paused before nodding and saying, "Absolutely."

Juan Pablo said her father made him think. He had told him he wants whoever it is to propose to his daughter to be 100 percent sure. And Juan Pablo wasn't 100 percent sure. Just as, I'm sure, a good number of other people who've thrown proposals out there willy-nilly.

At the After the Final Rose segment in the studio, Clare still wouldn't repeat the offensive words Juan Pablo passed on to her. She said she let her guard down and trusted the process. You know, the process that's produced 2 marriages in 18 seasons.

Clare didn't have anything more to say to Juan Pablo, so he wasn't invited out to sit with her. More applause. She said she didn't want to "get fed any more BS." She's moved on, she said.

When JP came out, there were no boos, but the applause was tepid, to say the least. He acted like nothing was unusual or wasn't aware of the backlash towards him. He said he did the math and figured out approximately 600 hours were filmed and we saw 20 hours of it. A convenient excuse, perhaps, but also one we should always keep in mind.

Chris Harrison worked his butt off trying to rephrase the same question over and over again. Let me count the ways:

1. After saying she was still in love, Harrison asked her if the feeling was reciprocated. "I dunno. I hope so."
2. "Has he told you?" Harrison continued, obviously not aware what "dunno" and "hope" mean.
3. "He hasn't ever said those words to you?" he asked, incredulously. Nikki said no, but that JP wouldn't be there "if he didn't care about me."
4. "We'd love to hear it for your sake," Harrison continued. Chris, you can't force these things. I'm sure Nikki only wants to hear it if it's true, not coaxed out of him.
5. After JP said, "I feel fantastic about this woman," Harrison pressed, "But how do you feel about her?" An understandably exasperated JP said, "Chris, I feel great!"
6. "So you love her?"to which Juan Pablo responded, "I'm not going to answer that to you." And "This is real life. We're done with the show... I appreciate the opportunity... What I'm feeling with Nikki is fantastic."
7. "So you're not gonna say you love this woman?" I got it the first time, Chris. What's with the Spanish Inquisition?
8. "This is the good part. You can actually express your feelings. So did you (fall in love)?" Um, I'm gonna guess no. But I'm a quick learner.
9. "I don't know what I'm looking at!" He just couldn't wrap his head around the fact a couple who'd known each other for 10 weeks might not both be fully committed and in love and that they might enjoy each other's company and try to see if they can make a go of it in real life. To her credit, Nikki said, "Time will tell. This is a real relationship to us." She said they were "taking it really seriously."
10. "Nikki's in love; Juan Pablo's in love but won't say it."
11. "How long would you give him?" Again, Nikki gave a very reasonable answer: "I don't know. It's not something you put a time limit on... As long as it feels right, I'll give it that length of time... For now it feels right."

At the start of the night, Chris Harrison teased us that Juan Pablo would reveal a "big surprise." So now was the time to ask. What exactly was this big surprise Juan Pablo had told the producers he was going to reveal? Juan Pablo claimed he had no idea what Harrison was talking about. Harrison now claims that was classic Juan Pablo playing games with everyone. But let's think about that for a second. If he told the producers months ago about this big surprise, you'd think one of them might talk to him about it in the lead-up to the finale. Maybe not the details, because that would ruin said surprise, but something along the lines of, "Hey, Juan Pablo, are you still planning that surprise next month/week/tomorrow/ tonight?" Are they really trying to suggest that they just went with this throw-away comment from a few months ago and never once tried to figure out what it was, or even if it was, before promising us all? Sounds fishy. Sounds like an agenda. (As I sat here writing this, I received a link to the wonderful Jillian Harris' take on the situation. She nailed it.)

The best

Meanwhile, other former employees didn't get it. Sean Lowe, for example, was in the Chris Harrison muddled zone. He very rightly said, "Everybody works differently." But then followed it with, "When I'm in love, I want that person to know it. But to each his own." Did they seriously not get that it wasn't a case of Juan Pablo refusing to admit his love for Nikki but Juan Pablo not experiencing the love? Since when is that a crime? Maybe it was all in the presentation, but if that's your beef, no need to vilify the guy.

Because... everybody does, indeed, work differently. Unfortunately, they want cookie cutters on this show. Everyone must feel the same and express those feelings the same. If you don't play along, you will be made the villain.

Okay, that was that. Now can we just let Juan Pablo and Nikki alone to break up in private?

All that was left was the revealing of the new Bachelorette! Who would it be? Andi?! No!!! Boooo! This show has now officially jumped the shark. The crowd rose to their feet at the announcement... just as they did when Juan Pablo was named. But not me. In fact, I wrote that if Andi were named, I'd sit the season out, blog-wise. Gotta stay true to my word. Oh, I'm sure I'll watch. Maybe I'll even offer one sentence each week just to keep my hand in it, but that's it. Can't wait to see the gun-totin' law-and-order candidate getting to know everyone fully. If she doesn't know the religion and political opinions of everyone in contention, she's a huge hypocrite.

She had a personal distaste for the phrase "It's okay" used frequently by Juan Pablo. If her segment is any indication, her pet phrase is "at the end of the day" which she said about 5 or 6 times in the course of two minutes. The absolute best use of it was, "At the end of the day, I don't have anyone to come home to and share the day with." That is a perfect literal use of it. Well done.

Talk to you later.