Bachelorette Andi: Boyz R Tone Def

I want you to know I'm against this extra episode nonsense. Why is there a need for a Sunday night version? Why? Am I alone in this? And it's not just because it means more work for me (although that's a large part of it). But I don't think four hours of The Bachelorette in two nights is good for anyone's health.

I also wonder how many people forgot about it? I almost did. My Bachelor Blogger manager (aka my wife) reminded me about it at about 7 o'clock last night. It practically took the wind right out of my sails. But here I am, dutifully reporting before I get back on that horse again tonight. I'm getting saddle sores from this couch. (Yes, I ride horses with sails attached, smartypants.)

Sixteen men remained and it was of utmost importance to whittle them down to 13 for tonight. Andi and her fellas were in Santa Barbara. The first one-on-one date went to Nick, the 33-year-old who received the first impression rose. Andrew told us that Nick "seems to be a skeptic. He doesn't believe in the process." I don't know about that. Listen to him gush after getting the date card: "I still don't know her; she doesn't know me. Let's be honest, what are the chances things are going to work out here?" See? Or how about this: "I'm not desperate for love." I don't know what Andrew is talking about.

So Andi and the eternal optimist go for a bike ride. They might have done other things, but nothing interesting enough for me to have jotted it down. At dinner later, Andi positively lit up just looking at Nick. I think she likes him. But she wanted to dig a bit deeper with him, demanding to know how a guy like him is still single. Always a gentleman, he didn't throw the question back in her face. Maybe he watched last season and had a good reason to suspect why she's still single.

Nick showed he's an independent thinker by saying he believes the notion of one special person for you – the idea of a soulmate – is inherently unromantic. He makes a good point for it, too. If there's one person for you and you find them, it's obvious that you'll fall in love. But to actually chisel a romantic relationship out of a stoney one requires effort and will. Now that's romantic.

So the two made a philosophical connection. Andi, the lawyer, loves a good argument. Especially when she's smitten. They cemented their connection with a long surface kiss (i.e. no tongue). Yes, he got the rose.

Next up was the group date. When Opera Man sensed the date would have a musical element to it, he practically creamed his jeans. Unfortunately for him, it was pop music. I've long wondered if opera singers could tone it down a bit to sing like a regular human being or if they always feel the need to bluster out that bloated operatic style. (Hint: it's the latter.)

The series finally included a group I'd heard of. Granted, I'd still never actually heard them, but it's a start. Boyz II Men helped the lads serenade Andi. In public. No problem for Opera Man, who told us he'd sung for thousands before and "some of the guys are a little bit jealous." Not Marquel, though. He said, ever so sweetly, "I'm gonna serenade the fuck out of her." Such a romantic.

Not only did they completely butcher an already horrible song, the producers decided to give us the full experience. It went on and on... and on. Probably the longest segment of any date stunt in the history of the franchise. I guess that's why they needed an extra night this week.

Afterwards, Andi decided to mess with Mr. Universe (Cody), telling him that she's heard he has a girlfriend back home. Hilarious! Turns out he's been single for 3.5 years. She didn't feel the need to ask him, like Nick, how that could be possible.

Last week, Andi used "y'all" 16 times. Only seven times this week, but one expression was greater than all 16 last week: "It's y'all's house." I don't know why that tickles me so, but it does. At least I'm assuming that's what she said. For all I know, she was telling us the house was owned by someone with the surname Yawl.

I didn't catch who said this (Nick? Cody?), but someone noted that most mortals have flaws but he hasn't seen any in Andi. Whoever it was, that dude obviously never watched last season. That much is true.

Maybe it was the overly serious Marcus. Sounds like something he'd say. In his sit-down, he finally kissed Andi. She's certainly not hesitant to kiss anyone who goes for it, unlike that prude Juan Pablo! Yet he's a player?

The kiss with Josh was more spirited, though, even though Marcus thinks his connection with her is unlike all the rest. When the group date rose went to Josh, Marcus was taken aback and upset. Seriously. Because everything he does is serious.

I thought the next one-on-one date, with "pantsapreneur" JJ was only a ruse to send him home. But they had a fun date so he sticks around. They were both made up to be 80, only they must have used up all the old makeup on JJ. His was quite effective. Andi looked like a white-haired 27-year-old. But to really sell it to the Santa Barbara locals, they hunched over and spoke like they were 112.

They frolicked in a park as old folks. They swung on regular swings, kissed on tire swings, rode a carousel, and JJ gave Andi a shoulder ride, blowing the minds of absolutely nobody at the park, who just saw a couple of young people playing dress-up for no discernible reason.

At night, with all the makeup off, I'm not sure JJ looked any better. He spoke candidly of his quirkiness, which, in my opinion, is a little too mannered. You'll never believe this, but it turns out he was a huge dork as a kid! I know, right? Go figure. Still, he got a rose because Andi thinks he's unique.

At the cocktail party, Eric was talking to Andi privately when a fake delivery man waltzed through the set to deliver flowers and a card to her. You know, the way delivery men always just walk right into your house and find you. The good ones, anyway.

Turns out the flowers and card were from Nick. Rather than sensibly believing this was just a transparent ploy for attention, Andi was actually charmed. She ditched Eric and took Nick outside for spirited game of tonsil hockey. Nick's heart grew four sizes, as his trousers shrunk by the same factor. He now has "genuine real" feelings for Andi, replacing the genuine fake feelings he had earlier.

Prior to the cocktail party, Invisible Ron, who was finally starting to get some camera time, had to leave due to a death of a friend. One of the guys said "it could happen to any one of us here." Which is true, but given what really did happen to Eric, I'm not so sure it was an appropriate comment for the editors to include.

We also heard Dylan tell a couple of the other guys about the drug overdoses of his two siblings, and how he'd rather tell Andi during a one-on-one date instead of stealing her away for 5 minutes. But nothing came of it on this episode.

With JJ's inner dork suppressed, he used his new mojo to pick on Andrew. First he took Josh with his Giant Tattooed Guns aside to tell him of Andrew's exploits getting a restaurant hostess's phone number early in the process. Then the two of them took Andrew outside and asked him to explain himself. To which Andrew replied, "I'm not going to engage in this," and walked off. But the newfound bravado of JJ hounded him all the way up the stairs to his room telling him to be a man. It's true: kids who are bullied often become bullies themselves. (Incidentally, words fail me when it comes to the pants our pantsapreneur was wearing.)

When Andrew emerged, he told everyone that he was handed a phone number. He sounded believable to me, even though I've never been handed a phone number in my life. No doubt, we haven't heard the end of this. And knowing Andi, it won't end well for Andrew.

Loved this line from Andrew: "I'm not going to stoop to their level. They're not worth it. They're three guys that are lowlifes." That's right, Andrew. Way to not stoop.

With Josh, Nick and JJ already pre-rosed, and Invisible Ron leaving, that left ten more roses to hand out:

1. Serious Marcus
2. Coach Brian
3. Colourblind Marquel
4. Tasos
5. Mr. Universe Cody
6. Some dude named Patrick
7. Farmer Chris
8. Explorer Eric
9. Dylan
10. Andrew Digits

So goodbye to Opera Man, who said, "I love to be loved and I love to love," as a huge tear fell off his cheek. Also goodbye to Beardo Brett, the shy and nervous hairstylist.

And hello again to you tomorrow (or the next day, depending on when I get around to it).

Bachelorette Andi: One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl

If you think this week's recap is late, wait until next week. Two full episodes on Sunday and Monday? I hate when that happens. I think it's ABC's way of getting back at bloggers. It's like we've got nothing else to do but sit around and blog about silly reality TV all day.

Before we get started, a big shout-out to my legions of Twitter followers. Since announcing the @BachelorBlogger handle last week, readers have flocked to it to the tune of, on average, one per day! Look out, Twitterverse. We're at 11 followers and counting. If each one of them tells two friends, and they, in turn, tell two more friends each, pretty soon it'll be one giant Faberge Organic Shampoo commercial.

Okay, y'all ready for week 2's recap? Are y'all pretty much sick of hearing "y'all" all the time? I haven't heard it this much since Hee Haw went off the air. Good Lord, Andi says it a lot. So much for being an educated lawyer. By my count, she uttered the totally unnecessary pluralized third person plural sixteen (16) times, not counting the one time she said "you all." It's clearly Andi's very own "Ees okay." You see, Andi? One man's ceiling is another woman's floor. What other cliché can I torture? How about, people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw insults.

But does that vocal tic count as this season's 'literally'? She also threw around the term 'epic' quite a bit. But her go-to word when surprised by something somebody says is "stop!" or "stop it!" Stop with the "stop!" already. It's epic.

Nineteen men started out the show; only sixteen would remain. Two hours to elimate three dudes. Yet they need two full episodes next week? We started the show seeing them pounding Caesars first thing in the morning. Hair of the dog, and all that. It got Craig off on the right foot, anyway.

Andi gushed that the guys were "all here for me." It's ye olde foreshadowing trick. (Incidentally, it occurred to me during the show – and I'm sure it's not original to me – that the practice of using one of the contestants from one season as the Bachelor or Bachelorette in the next season pretty much guarantees that at least a handful of them won't be there "for the right reasons." Maybe that's what they want, though.)

The first one-on-one date went to Eric the Explorer. You can rest assured there will be at least one snark-free segment on this blog. Not only is the guy just plain likeable and they made a good couple, but, as we've all heard by now, Eric died shortly after filming this season. I have no idea how far he got and I eschew spoilers so I'll just need to go on this emotional roller coaster until the end.

Andi and Eric frolicked on the beach, building sand castles and flying kites. Eric, proving he didn't watch last season's Bachelor at all, said Andi "seems like the kind of person who gets along with everyone." Sure, as long as they adhere to her worldview. My guess about Eric's viewing habits was pretty much confirmed when a helicopter touched down and he thought, "That's for us?" If I were ever on that show, for every helicopter overhead I'd assume they were coming to get me. But they obviously don't get American reality TV in Syria or Guatemala. I was so hoping that Anal Emil, the helicopter pilot who got the boot last week, would be driving that thing.

The chopper whisked the couple up to Bear Mountain where they learned how to snowboard. I was so hoping that Steven, the rad snowboard developer who got the snowboot last week, would be the one to teach them. I would have been so stoked.

They ate dinner in a cabin on the mountain. There was some forced laughter, but there was a definite connection. Eric told his scary Syria story and then talked about his future family plans, which was sad to listen to. Needless to say, Explorer Eric got the rose, handled awkwardly by Andi.

The group date saw 14 fellas strip down for charity. They took off their trou's and slipped on their marble bags and shook their booty. For charity. Sharleen and the Dog Lady from last season were there for no apparent reason. There was no winner.

Keep calm: ITS should be IT'S

The over-exuberant Craig, still buzzed from his Caesars, said, "I hope she loves me. I love her!" You knew he'd be the comic relief. Later on he asked for some extra padding for his package. When he was offered too much, he said he wanted to fill it out, "not give hope for no reason." The man has integrity in his lies; you've got to give him that much.

When one of the Nicks bent over, Andi said she "saw a part of a man no woman is supposed to see." I'm still mulling that one over. Maybe she should have phrased it thusly: "I saw a part of a man a woman taint supposed to see." But at least it was for charity! (I did mention it was for charity, didn't I? You can do anything you like as long as it's for charity.)

After the show, Craig kept compounding his overbearing personality with pounding shots. When he got some alone time with Andi, she said he could ask her anything so he hits her with, "What's the worst thing about your parents?" Boom! No answer. He took off, jumped in the pool with his clothes on, and thereby tainted (sorry, there's that word again) the other 13 because... well... because Andi has issues and expectations.

"They do get that they're here to date, right?" she asked, all judge-y. And you do get that they're not all Craig, right? One bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl. Hell, the Osmonds taught us that lesson in 1970.

Such a drama queen. "How did this happen?!" she wailed. "Am I doing the right thing being here?" She gave a stern talking to to the others, as if they had anything to do with it.

I was worried about Craig in the hot tub with all that alcohol in his system because I'm a responsible, and cowardly, pool-goer. I read all the signs and I know they say don't go in when you've been drinking. I don't know what could happen. You could explode maybe.

Despite (or probably because of) Opera Man serenading her in fake opera, the rose went to Marcus, the youngest guy there. He's sweet but his age will eventually eliminate him.

The next one-on-one went to Farmer Chris. I was absolutely certain this was her way of sending him home. She'd take him out of the mansion, show him a good time, then send him on his way. After all, he's a farmer! When he heard his date card read "Let's get our love on track," he said, "We''re going on a train!" It was adorable, actually. And he's not the handsomest hombre on the ranch (think of a pudgier Matthew McConaughey). They just don't seem like a good fit. When he said, "No matter what happens today, I'm a winner," I thought for sure he was going home.

On his way out, he said he was going to go "put some lipstick on this pig," which I thought was an odd phrase for a guy with no lips.

But he "cleaned up nice" – another phrase in the running for over-use. The pair went to see the sulkies at the race track. For some reason, they dressed in 1940s attire, like horse racing is this artifact from a museum. While there, two old actors were told to interrupt the couple and ask if they minded telling them how long they'd been together. The old actors pretended to be married for 55 years. The set-up drew this from Andi: "I think I picked a winner." Man, now she has to manufacture a reason to dump him, I thought, still certain he was a goner.

But he got the rose! Go figure! I even saw some love for the guy on Twitter (not from me, although I am on Twitter, too, remember: @BachelorBlogger?). So go figure. Maybe I'm not the great judge of hunky men I thought I was.

After she gave him the rose, they were given a private concert by some Amish guy on a guitar as Andi tried to dance and the two kissed. Again, not sure how that was physically possible but they went at it a long time. Did not see that coming. At all.

At the cocktail party, Nick V, who went dateless this episode, made up his own date card to give to Andi. It read, "Let's get things poppin'," proving he didn't get any help from the producers because popcorn was not involved.

They talked about the virtues of being picky when it comes to significant others. And, presumably, the corollary: growing old alone. Why settle for good when the elusive great is out there somewhere? (There might be a Moby Dick reference or analogy I could make but I've never read it.)

We learned one thing at the cocktail party: Marquel is colourblind. He was wearing a brown chequered shirt, green floral patterned tie, and multi-coloured socks.

Craig felt the need to not apologize to Andi for his drunkenness the other night. What better way than to sing a goofy song while accompanying himself on guitar: "I messed up last night/ I had too much Firefly/ I bared my junk to 13 other guys but I/ Hope and pray that it's alright/ Oh Andi, please let me stay." He told us he was feeling horrible but we saw no evidence of him expressing that sentiment to Andi. No worries, though, because she's such a forgiving person...

With Eric, Marcus and Chris pre-rosed, that left 13 others to sweat it out while three would go home. The roses went in order to:

1. Ron (who wasn't even in this episode! I thought he went home last week)
2. Dylan, the accountant
3. JJ, the pantsapreneur, this time wearing a regular tie
4. Colourblind Marquel
5. Andrew, the social media marketer
6. Tasos, the wedding planner
7. Jock Josh
8. Cody, the limo pusher
9. Nick V., the software salesman
10. Patrick, the soccer-play ad exec
11. Coach Brian
12. Brett, the hairstylist with the floor lamp
13. Opera man

So goodbye it was to the bald guy, the tattooed guy and the drunk. That'd be Nick S, the golfer, Carl, the firefighter, and, of course, Craig. My theory on tattoos holds for at least another episode: Carl couldn't wear a tie or long-sleeves because that would cover up his body art. I've long believed that there hasn't ever been a tattoo that can ever be covered up for any length of time.

That's it for this week. Two shows next week. Ugh. But we'll get through it. Not sure about Andi, though.

Bachelorette Andi: An embarrassment of riches is half right

Look who's back! Yes, I capitulated. At the end of last season, I was so disgusted with the pile-on of Juan Pablo, instigated largely by Andi, that I declared if she were chosen as the next Bachelorette, I would sit the season out. It was rash.

Then I decided to tweet under my own name the blog entries of my defence of Juan Pablo. Turns out Juan Pablo himself liked them and retweeted to his fans. It also turns out I wasn't alone and I received many nice comments from people who'd never seen this blog before. (And why should they have? In all the years writing it, I never once publicized it anywhere. I just figured I do it for fun and whoever stumbles across it, stumbles across it.)

It occurred to me after that brief flurry of tweets and retweets that I could make a Twitter account for this very blog. I have the technology! So I did. You can follow it, too, if you like. As of this writing, I have a grand total of three followers. But it'll grow, I'm sure. Maybe by the end of the week, I'll be up to five. From there, maybe even double digits! I'm at @BachelorBlogger. I'll tweet whenever I post a new blog entry and if I ever think of anything between posts. So hop on the Twitter bandwagon. One thing I won't do, however, is tweet during the show. One, because with kid's bedtimes and the occassional night playing basketball, I usually watch the show after the fact. And two, because I was such a vocal opponent of the distracting Twitter scroll the show used to run at the bottom of the screen. (I'm taking partial credit that they no longer employ this annoying practice.)

@BachelorBlogger

Okay, with all that out of the way, let's get on with the show.

Only 90 minutes? How many seasons has it been since an episode has been under two hours? Does this single the end of the storied franchise? Is the network tiring of the premise? Is it a knock on Andi? Is it a knock on the dullards they selected to court her? Hard to tell. Maybe it's a one-off and we'll be back to the 2-hour marathon sessions next week.

We opened with a sombre Chris Harrison. I hadn't heard the news about Eric Hill. Didn't even know who he was. But Harrison informed us he died after the filming of this season, which puts a bit of a damper on everything, for sure. Especially seeing his smiling face and seeing him selected to carry on. Google tells me it was a paragliding accident. Sad.

In the abbreviated 90-minute episode, we didn't get the usual filmed segments of various wannabes. We caught up with Andi, though, and any new viewers were introduced to her. We saw her in action in an almost empty courtroom. I'm sure the sitting judge was thrilled to allow the Bachelorette cameras in. They always lend a touch of class and heft to court proceedings, I find.

Andi said she puts "the bad guys away." Implied in that statement is "and the occasional wrongly accused." I know law enforcement likes to use the cartoon-like notions of good vs evil. It's their certainty that is most troubling. It's that kind of black & white thinking that led her to paint Juan Pablo as a "bad" guy rather than simply a guy who wasn't suited for her.

We saw her taking down her diploma. I missed why. Presumably her job wouldn't give her another few months off work to go galavanting around the globe kissing guys when she should be concentrating on putting more of the general population behind bars. But surely she's not giving up her career and this is just a temporary setback. I'm sure she can find another job in her area when her 15 minutes of fame runs out.

And Georgia, too, apparently

In each season there's usually one phrase that pops up over and over again. The jury's still out on this season. What will it be? My money was on "gosh" as Andi uttered it four times in quick succession. But then that fizzled out. "Literally" was only used two or three times that I counted. It's still in the running. "At the end of the day" is another possibility. But last night it was "y'all". Andi said it six times. Figures, since she's from Atlanta and all, but she's lost her southern accent so why not lose the redundant affectation, too? For the record, "y'all", like "youse", is unnecessary. "You" suffices for both singular and plural. Context does the heavy lifting for us. It's amazing how our brains can differentiate between singular and plural using the same word in different contexts. Do y'all get it?

I used the term "dullards" above to describe the suitors this season. Sure, I'm being hard on them and rushing to judgment. But my judgments are fluid. They can change from week to week. Based on their limo exits and greetings, I assigned only six check marks out of 25 possibilities. On first glance, I thought these guys showed promise:

• Marcus, the baby of the group at 25 years of age (although I wasn't impressed with his overly earnest "I have a lot to give and offer" he told her right off the top),
• Marquel, the 26-year-old sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, who was trying to bring his "A game"
• Dylan, the 26-year-old accountant who needed some space to warm up to her a little bit
• Josh B, the 29-year-old telecommunications marketer (who's since been shown the door)
• Brian, the 27-year-old basketball coach (who must have been a weak player since he'd still be in his prime playing)
• Josh M, the 29-year-old former pro baseball player. 

That's it. Not a good slugging percentage but as I say, scores may improve over the coming weeks. And these guys may prove to be duds themselves. Funny how over-the-moon happy Andi seemed to be considering how notoriously picky she is. And Chris Harrison called the group "an embarrassment of riches." Maybe he's half right. To me, they seemed like boys. But maybe it was just in comparison to Andi's domineering personality.

At one point in the evening, the mansion went on high-alert as security intercepted an interloper who had been camping outside for the past seven days and who needed to see Andi. Boy, that guy looked familiar. I immediately knew he was a former contestant but I couldn't remember who. Turns out it was Chris from Emily's season. He was also on a season of Bachelor Pad. I just checked my back-issues of the blog and found that I referred to him as Creepy Chris. Boy, I got that wrong, didn't I?! Nothing creepy about stalking someone you could easily meet at any of the many Bachelor reunion shenanigans. Since it's one big incestuous family, there had to be more to it. I think it was less about wanting to connect with Andi as it was about clawing his way back into primetime television.

We'll find out more about the fellas as the season progresses but we can talk about a few of them now.

• Josh M. sure was humble, handsome and hunky. He's got to be the front-runner. 
• Comedians love to joke that African-American men love overweight white women. Marquel looked like he was trying to beef up Andi with that cookie tasting.
• Nick V. has ten siblings. 10! Please let him have a hometown visit. He got the first impression rose for not realizing how cute and sweet he is.
• Fresh off the success of Canada's darling, Sharleen, the opera queen, the producers selected another opera singer, Bradley. The big difference is that Shar-Shar didn't trumpet her abilities. Even if she was, she never appeared to be on the show just to further her career. Bradley was quick to bring up "talent" and promised to serenade her.
• Patrick and Andrew may strike out with Andi but they have a budding bromance of their own brewing, thanks to a shared interest in car racing.
• Credit to Andi for calling out Steven, a snowboard developer, who said he was "stoked" to be there and later described something as "rad." Not coincidentally, she dropped him at the rose ceremony.
• Marcus was quick to bring up his European upbringing and multilinguistic abilities, but when pushed revealed he only knows how to say "I can speak a little German" in German, and "I can't speak Polish" in Polish.
• JJ has three strikes in the affectations department: 1. the name "JJ", 2. occupation "pantsapreneur, 3. he wears a bow tie. Can you say "hipster"?

Nineteen of the 25 men were given roses. Odd number but whatever. (Anyone else notice how oddly she gripped each rose?) The six who got the boot were Snowboarding Steven, Attorney Rudie (too much competition for Miss Smarty-Pants), Dr. Jason, Anal Emil, Dull Ron, Telemarketing Josh B., and Bartending Mike.

Dr. Jason, who reminded me a bit of a blond Crispen Glover, sounded depressed saying he wasn't "going back to a whole lot." Yeah, saving lives sucks. Rudie thought he was going to "hit it out of the park" but struck out. But perhaps the greatest exit interview in the history of first-night exit interviews went to Josh B., who said he was "super disappointed. ... Whatever. It's embarrassing is what it is. This was something that a friend put me up to and I showed up and said, 'Oh, this is great. Yeah, sure, let's give it a try. Let's embarrass the fuck out of myself for one night, to do absolutely nothing, to accomplish nothing.' And then I'm going to call my parents tomorrow and be like, 'Yeah, that sucked. I'm coming home.' I'm gonna face reality and be embarrassed as fuck. Cool. It is what it is... This is stupid."

Awesome!

The upcoming highlights were interesting, no? I know they always want to stress the drama and make it seem like the worst happened so we don't know for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me if Andi's id reared its ugly head again and she started finding fault with everyone who didn't exactly adhere to how life is supposed to be. Remember when she said how "offensive" Juan Pablo was? Now the upcoming highlights show her saying that the "fact that people think this is a joke is so offensive to me." She gets offended easily. We also saw her crying, saying, "It's a fairy tale for a reason because it doesn't happen."

I guess we'll have to wait and see. Or I suppose you could just search for spoilers. But you won't find them here. I like watching things unfold.

Until next week.