Bachelor in Paradise: The Penultimate Episode

Friday?! Are you kidding me? Should I even post this thing? Aw, why the hell not. Maybe you've forgotten all about it and this will refresh your memory in time for the season finale. What can I say? Real world deadlines got in the way. But fret not, I watched and took notes. And here they are. I kinda feel too late to the party, but what the heck. It's the historical record!

The more I watch this show, the less I get it. The competition aspect is nuts. Makes zero sense. A new person comes in, has one, or at most two, people to choose from, while everyone else gets a free pass week after week. And just as soon as I start to get it, Chris Harrison announces that next week is the last week and everything changes. It's about time!

We started off with the storylines for the show: Jesse's a scuzzball and Cody's an inexperienced puppydog. Sarah, who's getting more and more confident each show (to the detriment of her likable vulnerability) said, "Jesse's here for free booze and to hook up with chicks." Uh, I gotta say I thought that was what the show was all about, too.

And Cody told Crazy Michelle 2.0 he's in love with her and he's 100% committed to her. Because, you know, it's been about a week and you just know these things after that length of time. CM2 needed to talk to him. You see, she's just not in that place right now. She wants to take it at a "good, steady pace." i.e. just slow enough that it'll get her to the final show (mission accomplished!) with a shot to win whatever the winners win on this ridiculous adventure.

As if the show wasn't boring enough, the date card went to Marcuszzz. Gee, I wonder who he'd ask! He shocked Paradise by choosing Lacy. Who saw that coming? The big dram was that Marcuszzz, a fellow puppydog, already long ago proclaimed his undying love to Lacy. She, however, has been mum on the subject.

They get out on their date and arrive at a ladder down a hole in the ground (or "stairs," as Lacy calls them). This was out in nature, if you didn't see the show; it wasn't some manhole or something. So they descend down into this "really ancient cave." Yes, folks, it was the real deal, not one of these fancy new caves that are all the rage these days.

Lacy was in awe of the awe-inspiring selegments. No, wait, not selegments... stalaglights. Yeah, that's it. Stalaglights. Lacy may sound dumb but in reality she's just not very smart. Further proof: "It's all so natural in nature." Nailed it, sweetheart. (She's the same woman who said she was "80-40" in deciding who to give a date card to in the first or second episode.)

Turns out they entered the Bat Cave. The little critters were everywhere, swooping down at them as they slowly moved through the water. Marcuszzz said he loved being the man for her and protecting her. It worked because Lacy finally used the L-word, even if she just went with the standard Bachelor-type copout: "I'm falling in love with you." It sounds so promising, doesn't it? She's not actually in love, like Marcuszzz, but she thinks when and if she lands, she might arrive at it.

Back in Paradise, CM2 confided in Jesse. I thought it odd at the time, and even more so later when she has nothing good to say about the guy. But she was telling him that Cody was coming on "really, really strong" and saying "I need some space. I don't like to be touched all the time." Then she said – and this is key – that she doesn't like "the big, beefy guys." Yeah, of course, she didn't see that before. He must have suddenly added all those muscles. Jesse advises her – rightly – to call it off.

But first, we see Sarah and Robert getting it on in the briny. He's her guy. But wait! Here comes Brooks, from Desiree's season. Sarah now is "literally freaking out." You see, she is physically attracted to Brooks. "I don't want to mess things up with Robert, but at the same time I really wanted Brooks there," she said.

Brooks arrives with a date card, as is custom, and he gets to choose among all the one available girl. In fact, Robert puts Sarah in a headlock and tells Brooks, "Don't even look here." And, "If you ask her, I'll kill you. She's my bay-bay."

Brooks very correctly believes that nobody should be off the table. Exactamundo! But he's a gentleman, I guess, and doesn't ask Sarah. He asks Jackie, instead, who jumps at the chance.

Then we get a lot of Sarah's fake confusion and angst. She had to try very hard not to even look at her Adonis (Brooks, not Robert). She was "beyond frustrated and bummed." She found that Robert was getting "more and more territorial." Usually not a healthy sign, but Sarah loved it. Still, though, she was freaking out over Brooks.

Jackie sports a sparkly headband and heads out on her date. Brooks impresses by ordering in Spanish. And Jackie impresses by being so cute and beautiful. It caused Brooks to just zone out over her words. But he still managed to be charming and funny. They have a foosball grudge match. Brooks rigs it so he gets a kiss no matter what the outcome (crafty devil). "But just on the lips, not the cheek," Brooks assures her. But Jackie says she doesn't kiss on the first date, unless it's with a guy like Marquel. She's true to her word. She wins the game, but they exchange only a hug.

Meanwhile, Sarah is still fake-gushing over Brooks, saying, "He's so handsome and so funny" and she lights up around him. She said this was putting a microscope on her relationship with Robert and she apparently didn't like what she saw close up. She decided she had to fake-breakup with Robert.

Then she found a lovey-dovey note to her from Robert. This was going to be awkward! She meets him on the beach. He greets her with, "Hey, beautiful!" They sip wine. He says when the show is over, he wants to explore their relationship in the real world. That's it. Robert is the guy for her! She is one easy nut to crack.

Speaking of fake breakups, it was time for CM2 to break the bad news to Cody. We knew it wasn't going to happen, right? Especially after the Sarah-Robert fake breakup. Cody starts by telling CM2 he wants her to meet his family. Wrong show, buddy. Crazy Michelle 2.0, who knows a thing or two about craziness, says, "Don't talk crazy."

Cody tells her to go at her own pace. "I'll give you as much space as you need," he says, which was exactly the opening CM2 needed to keep stringing him along so she can maximize screen time. But then she lip-kisses him! Ewwww! She says she wants to create a strong foundation by taking it slow, but the guy is still big and beefy, is he not?

Then we get some obviously old comments from Christy dug out from the first day in Paradise where she says Jesse's charming and such a good guy, etc. etc. That was juxtaposed with info on Lucy "feeling him up," a term I'd never heard used in that direction. But apparently it means he got a hand-job from the dirty hippy. Cut to Christy saying Jesse's a "misogynistic, manipulative [bleep]. Such a douchebag. I hate him." (Even I couldn't figure out the bleep.) Not sure how receiving a hand-job makes one misogynistic, but I'm sure there were other reasons.

Christy, at a down moment, asks CM2 if she ever had thoughts about leaving. The look on CM2's face was priceless! It was like she couldn't even compute those words. Walking away from being on TV?! That's crazy talk! She took a moment to process then came up with, "Yeah, but then Cody showed up." Not that she felt anything toward the puppydog; just that she felt she could now conceivably stick around for her piece of the pie.

Then Tasos arrived. He takes CM2 aside for some reason. It didn't look like he was going to ask her on a date, although that's what they wanted us to think. Who knows, though? Maybe they knew each other. Maybe the producers told him to. CM2, knowing she had a pretty easy thing with Cody, immediately knew she could come off looking selfless by recommending he ask Christy on a date.

She accepts. Jesse, not ready to leave, keeps referring to Tasos as Tacos.

Christy tells us she came to Paradise with her heart wide open. Is that what that is? I thought she just badly needed sunscreen on her chest. Turns out it was bloody ticker.

On the beach, Jackie and Brooks played a game of HORSE on a basketball hoop from the props department on Gilligan's Island. Zach, Jackie's other boyfriend, sits and watches, planning his next move. It comes by way of a date card. He asks Jackie and she says, "I would love to!" And she sounded sincere.

AshLee wasn't pleased another week came and went without her man Graham getting a card. I don't think Graham cared one way or another. AshLee, incidentally, was also wearing a Xanadu headband. They're the new scarf. (Remember how everyone was wearing scarves last season?)

Also remember how much CM2 detests AshLee? So the two of them are sitting on the sofa and Ash turns to her and says, "Can I cheers you for being so amazing to me?" And CM2 is just the biggest phoney. Still. It never ends. "No, you're amazing to me!" she replies.

(I know, CM2's spin on it is that AshLee is a conniving B-I-T-C-H, and maybe there's some truth to that, but it doesn't mean CM2 is any less conniving, bitchy or phoney.)

Jackie and Zach heard such good things about that magical Bat Cave, they had to go themselves. After a swim, they step up to a giant Cave Bed and drink Cave Daiquiris. She asks him, "Are you still feeling like you don't want to go home?" Huh? Where did that come from? Right outta Bat Left Field, that's where. She said she was feeling very confident with Zach, but she seemed stiff. But still, they engaged in some majestic Bat Kissing.

Before the sixth and final rose ceremony, Jackie said she feels like she's connecting with someone. Then she kisses Zach. He returns and Brooks says Zach just made a big mistake. He "came back too early," he said. "I'll be back in two hours."

I guess on their date, they had made a promise to paint each others' nails. Brooks made good on the promise and brought some nail polish and proceeded to get at 'er. Did a good job, too, but how hard can applying nail polish be? From what I could tell, she didn't paint his. She's a promise breaker.

Christy met up with Jesse and said she doesn't "wish it to go any further." Jesse responds with, "Why didn't you just fucking say that?" He then told her he's leaving. That upset Christy a lot. Not because he was leaving but because she didn't stand up for herself. She wanted to be the one to break up with him. I guess she'd been drinking and forgot that she did, in fact, break up with him. What else does "I don't wish it to go any further" mean?

CM2 told her, "You're a victim of him being a tool." Christy replied, "I don't want to play victim." CM2 did a quick 180 and shot back, "So don't play victim." Great advice, Crazy Michelle 2.0!

Oh, and what is Y.O.P.O? I can't figure that out. Can't remember where I saw it, but I scribbled it in my notes. You Only Pre-exist Once? You Only Poo Once? You Only Paradise Once? Yeah, that's gotta be it.

Jesse, meanwhile, was just happy to be going to a fully-stocked limousine. But before he could enjoy it, Christy, CM2 and Lacy confronted him. Christy told him that leaving was "so cowardly." He asked her to explain why that makes him a coward. Um, because he wouldn't be getting a rose and, uh...

Then Lacy said, "Here's the thing: You go on dates with multiple people." And... ??? As I said, this show is so confusing. Just from memory, Lacy went out with Robert before hooking up with Marcuszzz, Jackie has gone on dates with Marquel, Brooks, and Zach. Am I missing anyone? CM2 has gone on dates with Cody, Marquel and Robert. Am I missing anyone? So her accusation was pretty much just an observation at this point.

Then CM2 had her turn, telling Jesse that the way he's "spoken about the girls was cowardly." Maybe ungentlemanly, but cowardly? Also, aren't the other guys even slightly culpable in this? They helped spread the word, too.

But Christy got in the last words, telling Jesse he was going to die alone. As the limo pulled away, Jesse downed a shot saying, "To leaving Paradise."

Then the rose ceremony and this sucky, sucky trend started by the sucky, sucky Marcuszzz has continued, with each person feeling the need to give a little speech to their beloved (or in the case of CM2, her ticket to the finals). Here's how it went down:

1. Lacy gave her rose to Marcuszzz and said she was "very much in love" and other such nonsense
2. AshLee yammered on to Graham
3. Sarah told Robert she was falling in love with him
4. CM2 lied through her teeth, telling Cody he means so much to her
5. Christy, to her eternal credit, simply gave the rose to Tasos. No speech!
6. Jackie offered hers to Zach

So Brooks was left out in the cold. You know it's just a faulty game (or whatever this is supposed to be) when a guy like Brooks is sent home after half an episode. He arrives and has so little to choose from. It's just a really poorly thought-out concept this season. Had Brooks been there from the first episode, there's no doubt in my mind he most likely still be there, ensconced in an unbeatable twosome.

Chris Harrison arrived to inform them that was the last ceremony. There would be no new arrivals. Who knows how they go about selecting a winning couple, but it can't be any worse than what's transpired so far. But count on this: Harrison told us that there will be "another dramatic ending that you won't see coming!" Maybe this time he means it, too!

Bachelor in Paradise: Lights, camera, AshLee!

It's a race against the clock. Damn ABC and damn the producers who think they need to foist back-to-back episodes on us. Don't they care about the bloggers who toil away for nothing in support of their show? Or is it payback for all the nasty things we say about it? Now I've got to scramble to get my thoughts up on last night's episode before tonight's episode airs. Because I certainly do not want to have to do a behemoth recap on the both of them. (Remember I'm on west coast time, so cut me some slack.)

Monday's show started with a tease that did more than tease (in effect, it did a lot less than tease). Chris Harrison told us about a "shocking ending" we "won't see coming," then proceeded to show us AshLee offering the rose to Graham and him walking out the door. Well, now we'll see it coming, that's for sure.

This episode was almost unwatchable for me because of Crazy Michelle 2.0. I keep calling her that because that's what I called her originally due to her, um, craziness. I'm not so sure she's crazy anymore more than just a total publicity whore. She crafts everything she says to optimize the amount of screen time she'll get. Everything is calculated with that in mind. She's been coached in soundbites. Or course, there's also the possibility that the producers just have a mammoth hard-on for her, which is why they permitted Creepy Chris to circumvent the rules and give her his rose even though the instructions called for the men to give them to the women they want a relationship with.

Crazy Michelle 2.0 (CM2) was so all over this episode it was all I could do to keep watching. I can't remember ever having that reaction to anyone before. ... Oh wait, I had a really bad reaction to Andi in Juan Pablo's season, but that was for different reasons.

CM2 was grateful to Creepy Chris (CC) for allowing her to complete her journey. That journey being exposure, lest anyone think it has anything to do with a relationship. Still, she was on her own. Nobody (understandably) wanted anything to do with her.

The rose ceremony just ended from last week and the gang headed to the beach where Robert was given another date card. Keep in mind, even though we saw the ceremony seven days earlier, he had just moments before given a rose to Sarah. So quite naturally he asks Sarah on the date. Makes total sense.

CM2 had to think quick to get the camera back on her so she went off to her room crying. Her buddy Graham came a-knockin' to console her woe-is-me act. Maybe that's why she drinks so much. He told her a million guys would love to go out with her, but she lamented that no one asks her out. Uh, that might have something to do with the fact that the vixen lives in Salt Lake City, the most religious city in North America.

Then the next day she was still crying crocodile tears, blaming her situation on being a single mom. You know how guys hate single moms, right? Remember how nobody wanted to date Emily either?... Oh yeah, right. Sorry.

Even though she was (pretending to be) miserable, she mustered up enough courage to braid Sarah's hair before her big date. Not because she's a selfless individual; it just guarantees more screen time.

Brawny Cody then strolled onto the set, greeted exhuberently by his buddies Marquel and Marcuszzz from this past season with Andi. He had been following Clare for some time and asked her out on a date, not knowing Clare was hooked up with Zack. Sounds like a soap opera, doesn't it?

Clare took Cody aside and turns him down gently. He gave it the hard sell but she was undeterred. He said, in effect, what's the harm in going out to get to know me? It won't affect your relationship with Zack. So Clare then excused herself to go ask Zack.

Zack said he's not a jealous guy and doesn't want to tell her what to do. So she asked him what he'd do if the situation were reversed. And Zack offered a textbook response on how not to answer a woman in your life: "Depends on who the girl is." You cannot take that back no matter how hard you try, and he tried. "Depends on the situation," he clarified. Too late.

They had a bit of a tete-a-tete. Zack was saying she wants something serious, and she was saying she wants a man who knows what he wants. I thought Zack proved that. He knows he wants something better if it happens to come along. If not, he's perfectly happy with Clare.

Clare thought Zack was a little wishy-washy, which was disappointing to her. Cody, on the other hand, knows what he wants. Not that it helps him. She still turned him down. "You're killing me!" he kept repeating to her. He kept at it, telling her how beautiful she is and how much better looking in person she is, and that she's the reason he's there in the first place. Clare was clearly flattered but she's a woman of morals and stood her ground.

Cody couldn't see dating anyone else so he gave his date card to Marcuszzz, who almost smiled for the first time in two seasons. "I'm very smitten with Lacy," he said robotically.

Then the guy who fell in love too quickly with Andi dropped his pants too early with Lacy, too, telling her, "I love... er, like you for who you are." Can you say "rebound?"

I found this episode more than others had too much needless play-by-play commentary by the others. That is, we'd see what happens, then we'd get an interview with somebody telling us exactly what we just saw, without any interesting or clever take on it.

Zack said he was happy with Clare's decision, saying all his "eggs are in [her] basket." He regretted how he handled the situation earlier. Nice save!

Back by the fire, CM2 was dropping hints like acid to Cody, telling him she's only been on one date. That should have been a red flag for Cody, but he's not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Remember Kalon from Emily's season? The pretend-rich guy who allegedly inferred that Emily's child was "baggage"? Yeah, well, he showed up. As desperate as CM2 is, she wouldn't stoop that low. Not sure why. Kondescending Kalon was nothing but class. He said he had "tunnel vision for 5-foot-10 with some boobs." I thought Clare would have dug him since he clearly knows what he wants.

When he saw what he wanted, he approached, asking CM2 out on his date. "Oh, that's nice! I would love that," she enthused. For his part, he said he wanted to "zip-line right into her tits. Oh my God, I would motorboat the fuck out of that." Clearly he was told by the producers to play up the jerk angle.

Kondescending Kalon had it coming. CM2 sat him down and told him very clearly she didn't appreciate the "baggage" stuff, especially since she has a kid of her own. Kondescending Kalon didn't budge, still refusing to explain or apologize. He called it water under the bridge. She respectfully declined the date.

KK was undeterred, though. He approached sun lizards Jackie and Sarah, saying his date card involved "sperlunking" [sic]. Sarah whined, "What's 'sperlunking'?" through her nose. He asked Jackie to go with him. She turned him down, too. Sarah didn't like what she saw coming, since she said she's "zero percent attracted" to the "fake, cheezy, and sleazy" Kalon. "Kalon wouldn't get close enough to my mouth for me to throw up in his mouth when he kissed me," she said, trying her best to be quotable.

Sure enough, he came back to ask Sarah. Aaaand... strike three and you're out! So off he went to make Bachelor history with the first one-on-none date. There was all manner of joke – from him and the others – that it was the perfect choice.

Off he went, solo. He arrived at "an enormous man cave." Uh, no, Kalon, that's called a "cave." A real cave. Continuing his classy appearance to date, he said, "I can't say I've ever rappelled into a giant Mexican hole but I've rappelled into a tight Mexican hole."

He then proceeded to say all the right things to himself, like toasting, "To us!" and "I found someone I could really spend the rest of my life with."

Cue the foreshadowing. Marquel said, "What could possibly go wrong." Enter Jesse, from Jillian's season. Some thought he was a bit of a playboy, a bit of a player. But Jackie apparently didn't. He asked her on a date and she accepted, as Marquel pulled his hoody up over his head in shame.

I guess with the exit of Creepy Chris, the producers realized they needed a new creepy dude. Don't know what Jackie was thinking, but she seemed to be into finding someone other than Marquel because when they arrived at their dinner, she said it was a "perfect romantic setting to get to know someone." I woulda thunk you'd want to get to know someone before you brought in the romance, but that's just me.

To top it all off, there were a couple of cave-dwelling musicians living under the rocks. Turns out cave-dwelling musicians are just as bad as the usual variety this show sees.

CM2, realizing her time was slipping away, saw everyone getting massages except her own bare neck. Cody wasn't offering, either. But he was the only option so she made him think she really wanted one from him. And he obliged, wrapping his big, muscular arms around her. She hid her revulsion well, knowing she must use him to keep her face in the public eye. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

And then the drama began. We saw AshLee sitting with Zack asking him if he wants to be "tied down like that" with Clare. And, "If you're not totally sold on her and committed, I'd advise you to meet other people. I love Clare but cuckoo!" Then she brought up Clare's ocean romp with Juan Pablo. Good gossippy stuff.

And even better when she said, "I'm surprised there's not a camera on us." Whoopsy!

Turns out she's extremely aware of where all the cameras are, when they're on her, and how she presents herself in said situations. She may not be who she presents herself as.

Then Lacy told Clare about what AshLee had said. As you do in soap operas. And hell hath no fury like Clare scorned.

Zack told Clare, basically, to calm down. "Don't focus on other girls," he said. "It's hurting us." Then she turned it on him. He should have stuck up for her, had her back. She walked off. He followed with his tail between his legs. "I don't want to involve you," she said, meaning, "I want to involve you but you're a coward so I won't."

It didn't last, though, because we next saw them sitting at the fire, Clare between Zack's legs, all cozy-like.

AshLee took Clare aside saying she wasn't sure what was up, even though she knew full well what was up. And what would go down.

Clare told her she felt "super disrespected." AshLee countered that she was simply talking in the general sense, forgetting for a moment those cameras also had microphones attached and Clare would find out soon enough what AshLee really said.

AshLee, panicking, talked calmly, saying, "I don't feel you did anything wrong," to which Clare rightfully responded, "I didn't do anything wrong!" Well, except for making sweet, sweet love to Juan Pablo in the ocean. But that's water under her legs.

AshLee asked, "Want to hug it out?" hoping for a truce. "I'm good. I'm good, thank you," replied Clare, and she walked off.

AshLee was upset because, as she put it, "I work hard on my character." At least when the camera's on, anyway.

Cody's closeness to CM2 through touch did the trick. He told her he thinks he has a better connection with her than he'd have had with Clare. Then again, he must have realized the women were handing out the roses and he wasn't paired up with anyone. Necessity is the father of invention.

Before the rose ceremony, CM2 pulled Graham aside to tell him what everyone else but him already knew about AshLee's miscues. Graham doesn't approve of things like that. CM2 wanted him to decline the rose from AshLee. Gee, I wonder if he would. I certainly wouldn't see that coming!

But he did say he's having "serious doubts about AshLee in [his] life." Da-da-dum!

At the rose ceremony it was:

• Lacy giving a rose to Marcuszzz
• Clare handing hers to Zack
• Then AshLee calling on Graham with a big expectant smile on her face.

That's when Graham – beyond anyone's wildest expectations! – took a moment and walked off. CM2 followed, asking, "Are you okay?" Then... then...

To...

Be...

Continued...

I think I made it just in time. Now back to the TV.

Bachelor in Paradise: Creepy gives a helping hand to Crazy

We are back. Still on holidays but thankfully I had the use of a TV with pause and rewind capabilities, which came in especially handy halfway through when my 9-year-son ran out of the room projectile vomiting. We're pretty sure it was either something he ate or a nasty bug, but there's a case to be made that it was the show that got to him.

We started off in Paradise with people complaining about Elise's actions last week, when she offered the rose to the love of her life, Dylan, who in turn refused it leading her to make a rambling speech before giving the flower to Creepy Chris. So AshLee says this week, "If she wanted Chris, she should have just given the rose to Chris." And I was like, "What?" She wanted Dylan. Dylan didn't want her. And she did end up giving the rose to Chris. Sometimes I wonder is it me or is it them?

Elise did, though, make a quick recovery. Now she sees Creepy Chris as her "rainbow" after last week's storm. As in you can never reach him?

Meanwhile, Crazy Michelle 2.0 was thinking future with Marquel, which is Crazy Michelle code for more national TV exposure.

The usual comings and goings continued. Beautiful Danielle, from Juan Pablo's season, was the first to arrive. She didn't have much of a presence in that season and it's a shame given what we saw this week. She has a class, sense of humour, and beauty that reminded me of Classy Sharleen. They look nothing alike but their temperaments are similar. I don't think her race has ever been mentioned but I'd say she's part African-American. But she's very light-skinned and blonde so I could be wrong.

As per show rules, she arrived with a date card in tow. Crazy Michelle 2.0 feigned openness, saying she could give the date card to anyone, just as long as it wasn't Marquel. She was wearing that freaky Ruth Buzzi forehead thing again. So Danielle picked Marquel, who she admitted having a bit of a crush on already. He gladly accepted. Crazy Michelle 2.0 felt alone and unprotected. "I just can't believe this is happening again," she cried. "I thought this would work."

So her heart reached out to Robert, her best chance to keep her around another week. Such a loving person. But Robert, you'll recall, had a thing going with Sarah.

Then Elise got another date card when AshLee and Graham still hadn't received one. The unfairness of it all! Elise walked over to where Creepy Chris was lounging on a porch. At the sight of her, he yelled, "Yes!" Not because he was glad to see her or anything like that; he just knew she was there to give him the date card.

Then he sprained his knee. At least in this scene they made it seem like he sprained it just getting up. Later on, he told someone he sprained it in the ocean. I guess that will remain one of life's great mysteries.

But let's catch up with Marquel and Danielle on their date to a hacienda, where Marquel inexplicably moonwalked. After his little dance move, they sat down and talked. He asked her why she chose him and she told him honestly, "I was hoping you'd be here." Instead of being freaked out, he said he was flattered. As he should be. She didn't say it in a weird way. She knew it was kind of strange and that was endearing.

Then lightning struck. Literally. About five feet from Marquel. He got the hell out of there. You know Clare would have seen it as sign that this was a once-in-a-lifetime relationship. Not Marquel.

Crazy Michelle 2.0 wanted to make it up to Robert. She's so full of it. How can they not all see right through her? For one thing, Robert is so not her type. I think he knows that, too. As crazy and shallow as she is, she's out of his league. She doesn't go for boys like him. She goes for men.

Clare brainstorms an idea: She and Crazy Michelle 2.0 will take Zack and Robert on an unsanctioned double-date. Michelle is so confident in her womanly powers, she tells Sarah, who wonders, "What the hell's happening?" She said she wants to pursue Robert, but doesn't. All night she sits moping about her lack of confidence, leaving Robert by himself to be swept up by Crazy Michelle 2.0's wiles.

On her date with Creepy Chris, Elise tells him, "You will be blessed for being so sweet with me." And Creepy Chris, right on cue, is ready to get "down and dirty" with her.

For some strange reason, the couple is given a card with the keys to their respective rooms. Signed by the host Chris Harrison, of course. No option for forsaking these individual keys for a chance to shag in a private room. So what's the point?

Still, Elise likes it. She was thrilled just seeing the names Chris and Elise on the envelope because they "look so good together." Do they? They look like a couple of names to me. Now, Marquel and Danielle? Those names look – and sound! – fantastic together.

Elise had the line of the night: "Chris is truly a gentleman," she said with a complete straight face. Meanwhile, Chris thought he could "make it happen" once he got "her behind closed doors."

The surprise unsanctioned double-date went off with no hitches, thanks to moping Sarah. She felt like a "fifth wheel." As she was sulking, Crazy Michelle 2.0 was telling Robert a tall tale about how it's all him all the way and she really was there to find the one. Then she said something about the previous rose ceremony where she was waiting for Sarah to choose him. But that's wrong. At least the way it was presented. Crazy Michelle 2.0 actually chose Marquel fourth overall, well ahead of Sarah. If she were really that into Robert, she could have chosen him first.

See, that's why Sarah is awestruck around her. She said, "Michelle is beautiful and confident and all the things I am not." Also a liar. But, boy, does she lie with confidence!

When Marquel and Danielle walk in after their date, Crazy Michelle 2.0 says she's over it but her face tells a very different story.

Then another new arrival shows up. A silhouette. Which just showed that the producers need to invest in some lights. It was Jackie, who was on Sean's season, but we had to take their word for it because we couldn't see a thing. Not even an outline of that "smoking hot body," according to Crazy Michelle 2.0, who showed later her own smoking hot body is nothing to be sniffed at.

Zack said he was hoping Jackie would be there, setting up some drama that didn't arrive. Not this week, anyway, although maybe it's the reason Clueless Clare runs into the Mexican jungle next week. (It was her, right?)

With her date card, Jackie asked who was coupled up? They told her just pick someone and not to worry about it. So she surveyed the gang and noticed Marquel sitting all by his lonesome. Fresh off his date with Danielle, he accepts another date, this time with Jackie.

Crazy Michelle 2.0 said, "It's becoming clear that Marquel is open to every possibility. I mean, every possibility." Not every possibility, Michelle. Not drinking too much, for example. (cough, cough)

AshLee, who's always been a bit unstable, has started talking to Graham about meeting her father already. Graham, being a dude, is feeling a bit rushed considering they haven't even been on a date yet.

Presto! Date card for AshLee! You'll never guess who she asked!

Marcuszzz also had a great line this episode: "I'm not interested in any of the girls so I'm focussing on Lacy." Oh, you charmer!

Crow alert! Crow alert! Foreboding coming:

Marquel thought his chemistry with Jackie was "amazing." Their date was a "perfect storm" of location and woman. He said it's the best date he's ever been on. Poor Danielle. Then, to rub salt in Danielle's wounds, he tells Jackie he doesn't kiss on the first date. This is a man with morals! Risking his future with the smoking hot body. But it turns out that Jackie doesn't kiss on the first date, either! Kismet! They're so enthralled with their standards, they kiss. It's a real doozy, too.

We're not sure what dirty deeds happened on Creepy Chris' date, but Elise said "magical" is a perfect word to describe it. We know how it ended, though: With a trip to emergency. Turns out the Creepy one has a partially torn meniscus and a sprained ACL and something else. He left in a full-length air cast. And Elise was in heaven. It was her chance to go into full caretaker mode. "This is my man now forever," she said. Or at least until he dumps her. In which case she'll have to find another new man three days later.

Sarah discovered some newfound confidence, but not in aid of her own relationship. Rather it was to warn Elise about her judgment. (And did anyone notice that as she was sitting there imparting her worldly wisdom to Elise, Robert had his arm around her. Perhaps that was the genesis of her confidence.)

Outside, Zack very thoughtfully asked Clare about her dad. It was the eve of the tenth anniversary of his death and he meant so much to her. Just then a giant turtle (tortoise, perhaps?) ambled onto the beach. Not just any turtle, though. It was a "sign from heaven" that Clare's dad was with her. What did I tell you?!

At dinner on their date, AshLee went into full stalker mode, reminding Graham how she follows him on Instagram and that her "heart was set" on him being there, which elicited some nice eye-rolls from Graham. He then talked about how great Paradise had been, with the lone exception of AshLee's "breakdown." Oh, they laughed at that! Ash, proving she's still young, hip and relevant, said, "Hashtag: Embarrassing!" Yes, she said the word "hashtag."

Graham told her he wasn't into forever now. Then the card with the two keys arrived. Graham was relieved. "Dos, huh? Nice!" he said. He thought it was "pretty appropriate" that they not spend the night together. Good move. AshLee was already thinking offspring: "I don't like to rush things or force things, but we would have hot babies." Really? Babies can be "hot"? Okay.

In preparation for the rose ceremony, Crazy Michelle 2.0 almost let slip her true motives. She said, "I really want to stay here," before quickly adding, "to explore possibilities with Robert." Yeah, that's it.

After avoiding her as long as he could, Robert finally approached Crazy Michelle 2.0. He said he didn't want to talk about the rose situation. But Michelle did, and she told him so. Then proceeded to talk about it.

The ceremony went as planned except for the fake nonsense at the end. Chris Harrison came out and instructed the men to offer a rose to the person they want to be in a relationship with. Read that last sentence again. Done? Good. Now we'll continue. Here's how it went down:

• Graham, against his better judgment, gave his rose to AshLee
• Zack could have given his to Jackie but went with Clare
• Marcuszzz didn't like any of the women so he gave his to Lacy
• Marquel's morals went with Jackie
• Robert shunned Crazy Michelle 2.0 and gave his rose to Sarah, as CM2 cried
• Chris called Elise up and gave her a speech saying he couldn't offer it to her because he was going home, but he wanted her to go with him. She accepted.

That left Danielle and Crazy Michelle 2.0 out in the cold. But stop the presses! Instead of giving Elise the rose, which I believe he could have done even though they both left, he decided to give the rose to "one person who deserves true love." And that would be Crazy Michelle 2.0. A nice gesture from one Creepy person to a Crazy person, for sure, but it should have been disallowed. Remember that sentence above? Harrison instructed them to give the rose to someone they want to be in a relationship with. Okay, it's completely plausible Creepy Chris wants to be in a down-and-dirty relationship with Crazy Michelle 2.0, but it's not in the spirit of the competition since he was leaving with Elise. Of course, it was probably all a plan by the producers who either have some big crush on her, thinking wrongly that she's ratings gold, or she has a mindmeld on them. And then they followed it up with a cheesy montage of the three days Creepy Chris and Elise have known each other.

Also totally not fair to Danielle! Bring back Danielle! So much for Marquel. As Danielle said in the limo ride, pulling her curly locks over her face, it was more like, "Marc Hell."

Next week, two episodes. Why?!

Oh yeah, follow me on Twitter @BachelorBlogger. Tell your friends. Wake the kids. Speaking of Twitter, I saw some tweets calling for dull Sarah to be the Bachelorette soon. Forget that noise. Bring back Danielle!