Farmer Chris: The dirty thirty

I shamefully – and shamelessly – return after failing in my quest to write about the second of the two-part Bachelor Canada finale. Let me say I had every intention of chronicling the ultra-romantic pairing of whatisname and whatserface. I took notes and everything. Still have them, in fact. But when two weeks passed without me getting around to it, I thought, "What's the point?" Of course, I could ask that same question even when it's on time, but I prefer not to delve too deeply.

I'm informed that this latest incarnation, with the hick from the sticks as the lead, is going to be three hours long tonight. Three hours! Not a waste of time at all. After complaining about the ridiculously short hour-long episodes of the Canadian version, you'd think I'd be over the moon about three hours. Not so. Which made me wonder what the ideal length is. One hour is too short. Two hours is too long. Three hours is stupid. So maybe 90 minutes? Or maybe I just love to complain.

Anyway, in order to minimize duplication, I'm going to try something different tonight. I'm writing straight to blog as I watch. We'll see how that works. At the very least, these things will get up online a whole lot quicker.

And I see by the old clock in the garbage can, it's show time. So let's get to it.

I'm on record as saying Chris is the absolute wrong choice for this show. Because while you will find 25 fame junkies to sign up for the season, I find it doubtful you will find more than a couple willing to settle down on a farm in Iowa. Possible but doubtful. I would be very surprised if this farmer in the dell took a wife through this process.

Red carpet? Um, okay. Chris Harrison is giving teasers to screaming women in line: A virgin in the fantasy suite? Something goes horribly wrong at the rose ceremony? Say no more. You had me at virgin in the fantasy suite.

Here's the segment on Chris driving a tractor. He says it's "a lot of fun." Sure looks it, doesn't it? He says love is like farming because you plant a seed and... wait, what? Is this about the fantasy suite? Maybe he's the virgin.

We see him in downtown Arlington. He's shooting shit with the locals. The price of corn is going down, apparently. What woman wouldn't want to be part of this?!

Chris has to miss harvest this year. First time. But he's excited to find the woman of his dreams. Being a true farmer, he says, "I'm not counting my chickens before they're hatched."

Countdown to the first limo? 58-odd minutes?! Are you kidding me?! These women are going to lose their voices. They haven't stopped screaming.

Oh look, here's Sean and Catherine. Catherine says they're "super-boring." This just in! Now she's saying it'll be "super-nerve-wracking" for the girls. Hey, is that a cape Catherine is wearing? Maybe she's a super-hero.

48 minutes to go now. Talk about network time-wasters. There's Sharleen, looking as radiant as ever! Okay, maybe there's hope for this needless hour yet.

Marcus and Lacy now. They're planning to get married. She says they're "80-40" on the date right now. No laughs from Harrison or Marcus. Was she the one who couldn't do math? I can't remember. Was this a knowing call-back or was she actually being dumb again?

Segments on some of the ladies now. The first one hands out free hugs in Los Angeles. Yeah, she'll want to move to Arlington. Next one is doing flips in DC. She's a news producer and weighlifter. Maybe there's a spot for her at the Arlington Gazette. Next is a ballet dancer/instructor. She lives with her mom and doesn't cook or clean. A perfect farm wife! Next is a fertility nurse with a cartoon voice. She is also without a top lip so I think if she kisses Chris, chipped teeth may be in the works. Next is a dental assistant with a kid. A toddler, in fact. She wants a man. Next is a flight attendant from New Jersey. She wants to fly off into the sunset with Chris. Next is a school councelor. She seems classy. She's a widow. Sad story. Way to bring things down. She believes in the multiple-soulmate theory. Convenient.

Women on the red carpet are holding up an "I heart Chris" sign. I think Harrison believes it's for him.

Here's Andi and her man, Josh. Josh looks shell-shocked. My guess is she had one of her patented blow-ups on the way there.

Only 26 more minutes to the first limo! Chris Harrison is still slagging Juan-Pablo. Stay classy, Harrison.

Here's Nikki to answer all our Juan-Pablo questions. They broke up, if you're following along at home. Harrison is asking leading questions. She says he wasn't comfortable expressing his emotions and she was, but she respected her boyfriend. She stood by her man. Harrison says, "for some reason" there was this animosity. Gee, I wonder why! She explains about the breakup. She's a nurse in Kansas City and he's in the entertainment business. She says they both tried. Glad she's not throwing him under the bus, despite Harrison pressuring her to. She says he really loved her and he supported her through her trying times. Harrison must be so disappointed. He hammers it home, though. She says he's so caring and is a good person. And he told her he loved her. Harrison, let it go! Man, this is a long segment.

Twelve more minutes. The tension is palpable.

Now Harrison is inside. It's a viewing party! Let's start viewing. Here's Chris in LA, riding his motorbike. He's way out of his element, he says. Like a fish on a motorbike, I guess. He's getting suited up, getting pins up his ass, going to a photoshoot. We see him showering outside. So bogus. All the while, he's reading the same script every Bachelor in history has read. He could potentially be meeting his future wife. He's ready. It's going to be a great journey.

One of the women describes Chris's "sexy" smile as a "real panty-dropper." I'm going to go out on a limb and guess she's not the virgin.

Quick notes on the ladies:
Britt, waitress, overwhelmed. Long hug. Hyperventilating. She gives him a little something. Seems pleasant and sweet. The gift is a free hug. Oh she's the wacky LA one.

Whitney, the cartoony fertility nurse. She takes charge. I thought she said she's watched the show since she was "an asshole." But I think that's her accent. Maybe she said "in high school."

Kelsey. Missed her occupation. She's very nice. Regular girl.

Megan, or Blondie, as Chris said. He says this is not going to be easy.

Ashley I., a freelance journalist. I think she's already drunk. She's beautiful but maybe a bit much.

Next limo:
He knocks on the window. That's a first.

Trina, a special ed teacher. She'll know how to handle Chris.

Reegan, carrying a cooler. She has a fun job selling human tissue. Weirdo. She shows him a human heart, but claims it's just a joke.

Cowboy time. Tara, a sports fishing person. She's wearing cutoffs, saying this is really her. Chris likes her style. The girls call her Daisy Duke. She probably has the leg up on the others with the farmer. But she felt totally judged by the others.

Amber, a bartender. Missed her brief chat. She must not factor into the mix.

Nikki, a former NFL cheerleader, who just jetted in from Peru. But someone's sneaking around and getting back in the limo and stealing her thunder.

Here she is again. It's the cowgirl, this time in a dress revealing an embarrassing shoulder tattoo. You can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl, she says. Chris got to see the real her.

The driver passes a note to Chris. He snickers and says, "Okay." We'll have to wait for the commercial to end to see what it said. I can hardly wait.

There's giggling from the limo. "Chris, please turn away from the limo and close your eyes. Hugs and kisses." Amanda, the ballet teacher, sneaks out. She talks to him from behind and runs inside. He says, "Is it okay to open my eyes?" Obviously he needs his ears checked if he didn't hear her walk into the house.

Mackenzie, a dental assistant. She says she's nervous but doesn't act it.

Jillian, news producer. She flexes her muscle for him.

Ashley S, a hair stylist. She seems normal until she sticks a lucky penny into his sole.

Kaitlyn, a dance instructor from my hometown of Vancouver. He says she's stunning. She says, "I know you're a farmer. You can plow the fuck out of my field any day." Okay, I'm pretty sure she's the virgin. She finds sparkle on his face then gets mock-furious, saying, "Who is she?!" But she's all about the laughs. That must explain the back arm tattoo.

Apparently that's everybody. He enters the adobe abode. Only fifteen women. So something's up. Vancouver girl tries to interrupt with a joke and Chris tells her to let him speak first. He's serious. They cheers his little speech. Now the joke: "Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? Because he wanted to find a tight seal." Everyone's shocked. Except Megan, who didn't get it.

Everyone's wondering if more are coming. But we already know he'll have 30 women, so another surprise ruined by the producers.

Britt, the LA waitress, gets the first alone time with Chris. She speaks to his heart. She says she doesn't want to raise a family in LA. Small towns are where it's at. She gives him a free hug. If only he knew she does this to strangers on the street.

She felt like they almost kissed. It was "thisclose."

Everyone's highlighting their small town backgrounds.

Harrison drops off the first impression rose. Boy, that Vancouver woman is annoying. First time I can't cheer for the hometown girl.

In the audience, six women from his hometown talk to Harrison. That went nowhere. My wife made a comment but I'm too much of a gentleman to repeat it here.

The cartoon character tells Chris she makes babies every day. She asks Chris if he inseminates hogs. He doesn't. She replies that they have so much in common. I don't think she was listening to his answer. Although I guess it's technically true if she doesn't inseminate hogs, either. Chris says she's beautiful, smart and funny.

Three hours in (their time), there are still 15 girls.

Chris is on the hunt for the secret admirer. It's Amanda, the ballet teacher. The other girls know her because of her big eyes. The camera zooms in on them. Indeed!

Harrison takes Chris outside. He tells him the night isn't even close to being done. Here's the next limo. They must have been stuck in LA traffic.

Here are quick notes on the newbies:
Samantha, a fashion designer from LA. She'll fit right in on the farm. She can design the overalls.

Michelle, a cake designer. He says she's gorgeous. She replies he's a babe.

Juelia, an aesthetician from Portland. Nothing here since we're distracted the others on the inside.

Becca, a chiropractic assistant. He says she looks "out of this world."

Tandra arrives on motorbike. She got looks on the freeway.

Next limo:

Alissa, the flight attendant. She gives a seat belt demonstration for the bumpy ride ahead. The others are watching and judging from the windows.

Jordan, a student, brings him whiskey. They down the mini-bottles.

Miss Piggy, or Nicole, a real estate agent, arrives in pig nose. She wanted to "ham it up." Get it? Get it? Plus, she loves pigs. She says, "Oink, oink."

Brittany is a WWE diva in training. She's wearing something. Not sure what it is. She brings a cardboard sign that says #soulesmates

Carly is a cruise ship singer who brings a mini karaoke machine and sings to him.

One more limo arrives. One woman says, "I'm outta here." You know, I was thinking after the first 15 that they seemed all relatively normal (Vancouver chick notwithstanding). I think it was because of their lack of gimmicks. That's how they were separated. The second group was all gimmicks all the time.

Last limo:
Tracy, a grade four teacher. Or fourth grade, as they say in the States. She reads Chris some notes from her students. "Dear farmer, please like my teacher so she doesn't end up lonely with nine pets." She's sweet.

Bo is a plus-size model.

Kimberly a yoga instructor.

Kara, a high school soccer coach, who tells him they would make the cutest babies.

Jade, a cosmetics developer from LA. She's wearing a translucent top, or at least flesh-coloured. Seems sweet, though.

There's your dirty thirty.

Chris re-enters. Now he's got to come up with another speech on the fly. He's overwhelmed.

One girl has two kids, a six- and seven-year-old. Who was that? Another looked up some weird Iowan laws. Finds out it's illegal to operate an ice cream truck there. Chris doesn't know about that. Maybe he doesn't even know what an ice cream truck is.

Then it's a montage of claws, everyone interrupting everyone else. Panic sets in. As one of them said, "Not that it's a free-for all, but it's a free-for-all."

Chris has the quote of the season in episode 1: "I wish I was a polygamist right now."

But then Ashley S. starts in on onions and their similarity to people. She rips a flower out of the garden and gives it to the girl that's with Chris. Oh, it's the WWE diva, who walks off without the flower. Ashley S. is either really drunk or crazy or both.

Ashley S. mistakes a pomegranate for an onion and is in awe.

Mackenzie doesn't know what alfalfa is. Asks if it's organic. Chris is stumped.

Tara tells us her best friends are three whiskeys, then belches.

Jade asks what their karaoke duet would be. And she's not even the singer. Chris mentions some country singers. Ugh.

The first impression rose goes to Britt, the very first person we saw in the vignettes. She gives him another free hug. Or was it free? Seems like he bought it with a rose. They kiss. I am not going to get used to seeing this mug kissing all season, that's for sure.

Britt says, "I actually really like you." They walk in to the common room arm in arm. Tacky. Harrison walks in to take Chris away. Chris tells them for the third time he's "serious." The writers better get working for the second episode.

The live audience loves Britt. Harrison asks if anyone didn't like the kiss. No one spoke up. I would have.

Michelle Money, the psycho, says she heard Britt doesn't shower.

Harrison is obsessed with the kiss – or "make-out session," as he puts it.

You know, take away all this extraneous stuff with the red carpet and live audience, and the three-hour episode probably is only an hour. So maybe the Canadian way is the way to go after all.

Rose ceremony time. That's a lot of women standing there. He says he's ready to do this. But it's gut-wrenching to him. Man, it's just the first night, Chris!

Britt has one rose already. The others go in order to (and they really ought to superimpose their names with each selection this early into it):

1. Kaitlyn, from Vancouver
2. Jade, the cosmetics developer
3. Samantha, the fashion designer
4. Ashley I., the freelancer
5. Tandra, the motorcycle mama
6. Nikki, the ex-cheerleader
7. Kelsey
8. Megan/Blondie
9. Alissa, the flight attendant
10. Amber, the barmaid
11. Juelia, the aesthetician
12. Becca
13. Trina, the special ed teacher

Chris leaves to tell Harrison he was going to pick Tara but she's too drunk. Don't know why he needed to talk it over.

   14. Mackenzie, aka Alfalfa
   15. Tracy, the elementary school teacher
   16. Tara, the drunken cowgirl with the bad tattoo
   17. Jordan, the whiskey-drinking student
   18. Jillian, the muscly news producer
   19. Whitney, the cartoon
   20. Carly, the cruise ship crooner
   21. Ashley S., the onion lady

That's 22 women next week. Quite a haul.

Big Eyes was shocked. She cries. You can imagine the size of those tears. Kara was humiliated. She cries. Kimberley says it was not meant to be.  She cries. She walks back in, despite the producers calling after her. She steals Chris for a second. But what will happen? We'll have to wait until next week.

Meanwhile, give me a moment to figure out who else was sent home. They were:

1. Big Eyes Amanda, the ballet teacher
2. Kara, the high school soccer coach
3. Bo, the plus-size model
4. Kimberley, the yoga instructor (maybe. We'll see next week.)
5. Reegan, the human parts vendor
6. Michelle, the gorgeous cake designer
7. Nicole, the pig-nosed real estate agent
8. Brittany, the WWE diva in training.

Does that add up to 30? I think so.

Chris Harrison tells us this will be the most dramatic and romantic season ever! I'm inclined to believe him because he never lies. Plus there was all that crying in the upcoming highlights and that never happens.

See you next week.

Bachelor Canada: Finale 1

Good lord, it's Tuesday already. Here's my challenge. It's 7:08 pm. Show starts at 8, I do believe. Can I whip this recap of last week off before the show starts? We'll see. I've always got PVR. Here we go.

This was week one of the dramatic two-part season finale. But keep in mind each episode is only an hour, so it's like a regular finale in America.

Tim and his two lady friends were in Tahiti. He said he knows "without doubt" the woman he's going to spend the rest of his life with is on this island. That would be so cool if he eventually married a Tahitian woman who was there at the time.

He also said he had "incredible fantasy dates planned." I was wondering if the adjective described the fantasy or the date.

First date went to Trish. He showed up leading two horses to her. He knew what he was doing, too. Turns out he grew up horseback riding. Trish's horse was a little wild. Presumably to get her ready for the fantasy suite.

Tim was impressed with Trish's chutzpah. He said "any other girl would spend one minute on the horse and be done." Really? What kind of duds has he been dating?

Trish appreciated Tim's many sides. He's "serious, funny and manly." Trish, on the other hand, is "bubbly, fun and confident."

Sitting in a path in a field, Trish had the guts to tell him that her heart says she loves him, but her head says that's crazy. Now's not the time for rational thinking, Trish!

Tim says he "can see it fitting well." I'm not sure if he was referring to the fantasy suite or what. Ditto when he said it was "nice to see that smile come across her face." I also noted how his romantic look is a bit creepy. No, scratch that: a lot creepy. Then again, I just made two creepy double entendres, so look who's talking.

Oh, did I mention this episode was sponsored by Sunquest Travel? You didn't think there was a budget in Canadian TV, did you? They nickel and dime it all the way, squeezing in sponsors whenever they can.

At dinner, things were quiet. But maybe in a good way. She said she felt like the most special girl in the world. And that makes her so happy. It seemed like there was a pregnant "but" waiting to happen, but they went right to the cheers. Fantastic editing, guys!

They got an envelope. I was wondering if it would be signed from Tyler. But since the host is never around, the note wasn't signed. It would have been cool if it was signed "Chris Harrison."

We all know what the note said. And there was no hesitation on Trish's part to spend the night with him.

I guess they do. We didn't see much of it, just them wandering over to the suite. Then, 15 minutes into the show, we're at the "epic date" he's planned for April. They're going swimming off a yacht. I know he just wanted to see her in her bathing suit.

April's mind was racing. She wasn't sure she felt completely ready to be proposed to, but hopes the date throws any doubt out the window.

As things turned out, we're not sure, either. We'll find out tonight (in 29 minutes! Gah!). But one thing it did was cure her of her fear of heights. She managed to finally throw herself in the water from the top of the yacht.

At dinner she said, "What are we cheersing to?" A simple yet endearing question. Cheersing. I like it. Tim made a toast "to trust and leaps of faith."

More insecurity from young, sweet April. She said she's more into Tim than at any point but doesn't know if he feels the same. Oh sure, put it back on him.

Tim asks her point blank if she's ready for a possible proposal. And this is not the answer you want to hear when you're considering asking someone to marry them: "I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure that out." It all felt so quick to her (mainly because it was) and was questioning if it was real (it's not).

Tim told her to quit thinking so much, in so many words. He said no one can know all the facts. "At a certain point, you just have to jump."

He gave her the card. Her response: "Oy yoi yoi." She deflects back to him. They then both agree that they need to spend more time with each other. Yeah, that's the ticket. This time, we see them enter the bedroom, unlike with Trish.

Trish then met Tim's parents. She said she wanted to feel them out first before she went "in there with jazz hands." But she was extremely comfortable, greeting them with a hug. She and Tim's dad got along like a house on fire. But the mom was quiet. Finally, the mom takes her aside and whips out a list of questions. She told her "basically it's an interview for a lifetime job."

Trish told the mom she always wanted a little girl. And a boy. They got along well and the mom was happy. So was Trish. So happy she wanted to dance in her chair. And she knew she did well. She felt the positive reinforcement. "I nailed it!" she said.

Next was April's turn to meet the parents. She was feeling overwhelmed. "He needs things faster from me than I can give him," she said. She didn't feel prepared to answer their questions. She steps in their room and greets them with a handshake. She needs to go to First Impressions School.

And she was right about answering their questions. She wasn't prepared at all. She struggled to give any kind of answer. She said so many things were going through her mind, she couldn't even focus. She was not making the impression she wanted to make. Tim's dad told her she should feel relaxed with them. And then his mom took her outside.

Mom asked her what she liked most about Tim. She said she liked that he was patient and understanding. Hint, hint! Take note, parents. She needs time. She felt like she was being grilled. She also felt like she was rambling. She was right on both counts.

Outside, there was no big kiss like there was with Trish. Instead, Tim said, "See you soon, okay?" April replied, "Okay, bye," then turned and walked away.

In the debriefing session with his parents, the dad said Trish was more gregarious and comfortable in her skin. The mom added that Trish was more at ease with herself. As for April, his mom liked that she was "totally honest and upfront." To their credit, when Tim pushed for an opinion on who was a better fit, they didn't pick a favourite, saying it was up to him.

We then saw April at the beach. She talked about feeling pressure and knew that his parents saw her at her worst. "And that makes me want to pull away." That quote was used three times in the episode. I don't believe for a second she said it three times, as they wanted us to think; rather, they just ran the same clip three times.

Tim got a message saying April wasn't doing okay and needed to talk with him. That's not something you want to hear any time, but least of all on The Bachelor! So he rushed to her. She said she couldn't articulate what she was thinking. "I'm so tired of analyzing everything." Tim asked what that meant for them as a couple. She put her face in her hands and whispered, "I want to go home." Later, she said clearly and lucidly, "I could be giving up on love. I want to go home."

So is there any chance she stays? I suppose there are two chances: slim and none. But I guess we'll find out soon. As in nine minutes! I hope this suffices. I'll do better on the next one. (No promises, though!)

Okay, bye.

Bachelor Canada: The Women Tell as Much as the Editors Will Let Them

I just couldn't do it. Despite my good intentions of getting this one in on time, I find myself here on game day scrambling to finish last week's recap. And start it, for that matter.

That was, without doubt, the worst ever Women Tell All episode in the history of the franchise. Not just the Canadian version, either. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it was the worst ever hour of television, period. Not because of the women, either. It just looked as if they farmed the editing, writing and lighting out to a community college first year television production course. It truly was embarrassing. I doubt there were two sentences in a row that actually were spoken together. Then there were the cringeworthy words like, "A look back at the journey, the emotional highs and the excrutiating lows." Of all the excrutiating lows, this was the excrutiatingest. And didn't you just love the shots of the silhouettes in the audience?

Anyway, let's get to the programming, such as it was. We were greeted with a tall guy who presumably is the host of the show. I mean, he looked vaguely familiar. I think I remember him from episode 1. He's just here to bookend the season, it looks like.

Tyler (the host) got right to business focussing on what we all wanted to hear about: Sonia. Remember her? The 42-year-old who lasted a couple of episodes? Coming back to you? The show was crammed into one hour. Clearly they edited out tons. Why not just edit out this whole segment and concentrate on people who lasted a little longer and provided some drama?

Then they flipped over to the youngest pup, Rileigh, 23. Tyler mentioned that she seemed jealous. Honestly, that's something I never picked up. I mean, certainly no more than many of the others. But with each episode being only one hour, there was so much they didn't show us. The one saving grace of this episode was that we got to see footage that didn't make it to air the first time through. But nothing, other than Tyler's words, that showed Rileigh to be particularly jealous. But she admitted it, in a delightfully Canadian-sounding way (even though I've never heard anyone else say it that way here): "Oh, that's fair to say. Yeah, I was right jealous. Yeah, I was pissed." Right jealous. Got that?

Kaylynn revealed that her emotions took her by surprise because in real life, "I'm not like that. Like, I don't cry." Uh-huh. Rileigh, the delight, snarled her lip and made a growling sound, saying, "I don't know how to put that into words but that's how I felt about it." Kaylynn laughed and said, "That's her own opinion." And, it should be added, everyone else's.

Tyler read some more of that award-winning writing when introducing Kaylynn, with, "...bringing her dreams to a heart-wrenching end." Kaylynn said the whole thing was "quite embarrassing." But she cautioned us to not "judge someone when you don't really know them." Fair enough. Point taken.

She and Martha talked about their run-in when Kaylynn called her a bully. But they also revealed they "hugged it out." Of course, we never got to see that part.

Then we got a montage on April Burlesque. For no reason at all! Why? The show was too short for her Jennifer Tilly shtick. But I guess they needed some comic relief. We saw a clip of her that didn't make it in originally. She said, "I do want a family. If I don't have my own children, I'll just do as I did with my boobs – buy 'em!"

Then we got the Natalie montage. Sitting with Tyler, she said she returned just to "stir the pot a bit, cause a little bit of drama. I knew for sure Tim was not into me but I came back to stir the pot." This was met with gasps and laughter. All the women were against her. At least, that was the impression from the wonky editing. She said she was "always 100 percent myself, but I wanted to be my best self. So I didn't want to swear, I didn't want to do anything that could jeopardize my profession." Good for her. Lisa thought (maybe correctly) that it wasn't really her, then. But we all don't go around swearing and bashing people in all situations. All the women thought Natalie was selfish for returning and infringing on the others' very real relationships with Tim. No, they really said that!

Next was the Lisa montage. Again, we got to see some footage we hadn't seen before. Of note was when she said of Seashell, "She just doesn't have a lot going on in her brain." When asked to respond, Seashell said, "Actually, I probably don't have anything to say because I have nothing up here, right?" Boom! Oh, yes she did!

Seashell called Lisa out on her two-facedness, noting that Lisa says she hates fake people yet showed hate for Natalie when she wasn't around but was the first to hug her and say nice things to her face. Natalie, too, wanted to know why she said everything behind her back and not to her face. Lisa made a face and said, "Oof, that would have been really awful saying that to your face!"

Then she pled drunk. "You know, I don't want to blame that one on the liquor, but I'm going to go ahead and blame that one on the liquor." She may or may not have been drunk right then. Seashell was having none of it, noting that they all were drinking but no one else treated anyone else that way. Lisa then pled human: "I'm human. Yeah, I can be nasty. Yeah, I can say some really mean things. And you know what? Seeing it is the best way to change it so I'm sorry--" And then there was a quick fade in the middle of her sentence to give the appearance she was finished. Did I mention the brutal and comical editing?

As for her kissing experience in a bar in Italy, it was the liquor again. She didn't know exactly what happened. But when Tyler asked if she regretted it, there were no pithy answers. She replied straight up: "Yes, I do regret it." Tyler asked everyone if that sufficed. They all shook their heads no. Then Tylyer said, "Lisa, thank you so much for being here." Um, what? Hang on! This calls for more discussion. And we went to commercial. They could have scrapped the segments on Sonia, Rileigh and April Burlesque.

Next was Seashell's turn. Nothing to see here. Move along. She's okay and she's happy. Tim joined her and told her she's going to make someone happy. The edited in the audience clapping and an ecstatic-looking Seashell.

While Tim was out there, Lisa apologized for "disrespecting him" in Italy and said she was sorry. Tim said he didn't say goodbye to her "because she kissed someone; I said goodbye because those events led me to not being able to trust her." What events? That kissing event? So the kissing was fine? I don't get it. If she had told him she was going to go out and make out with a waiter, he would have been okay with that?

He had interactions with Dom and Kaylynn but nothing to speak of. I did notice they edited in more applause for Kaylynn.

The blooper reel was meh. We saw Kaylynn crying on the auto-flush toilet, heard Tim say "enormous" a bunch of times, smelled Trish farting, and witnessed Seashell's independent eyeballs.

Then we were told about the "epic two-part finale." What's that now??? Two parts? Will it be the "fun-loving Trish or the mysterious April?" Judging from the upcoming highlights, it might be Trish because it seemed as if April was having a meltdown and wanted to go home. But we'll see.

I'll be back here... soon? Soonish? When I get around to it? Yeah, that's more like it.