Farmer Chris: Buckle up for boredom

Hey there. Welcome back to the no-doubt exciting finale of Farmer Chris' journey. Are you all a-tingle? I hear his decision is like nothing we've seen before. "Buckle up, it's going to be a wild ride and the entire country will be talking about it tomorrow morning," said Chris Harrison. Good thing I live in Canada.

Farmer Chris is back home in Iowa and claims he's happy about that. He says he feels like he's falling in love with both of them. Problem is, he doesn't have any clarity over who to pick. He tells his family to make the pick for him and I'm not convinced he was joking.

Cartoon Whitney comes over first. She is gosh-darn, freakin' nervous. But she walks in with flowers and wine and doles out hugs to everyone. She tells everyone about the date she and Chris made a baby. They all laugh. So progressive on the farm. But she wasn't talking about the fantasy suite.

Then she said something that had me frantically searching for the remote to rewind it and play it again. She was talking about when she and her friends were watching last season and first laid eyes on Chris. She said about her friends, "From the moment Chris got out of the limo, they were like, wet." Were my ears deceiving me? Yes. Yes, they were. But you can't blame me because she left a pregnant pause in there. What she really said was, "From the moment Chris got out of the limo, they were like, Whit... this would be the perfect guy for you." Makes more sense. 

Does anyone else think Helium Head is sounding a little stalker-ish telling his family how she came on the show just for Chris? Then she keeps talking until she cries.

The three sisters sit down with Cartoon Whitney and she talks and talks some more. The more I see her as the closer it gets, the more I think less sweety-pie and more rabbit-pie (think Fatal Attraction). Maybe that's completely unfair. We'll see, I guess.

The sisters ask Chris if Whitney is the one and he says, "Let's start with the easy questions." They absolutely adore Whitney, but all Chris wants to do is talk about Becca. Probably not a good sign. Or a sign the editors want to trick us. He tells his sisters that Becca is someone who can "charm the pants" off him. An odd choice of words to describe a virgin.

Whitney then sits with her future mother-in-law. She says she doesn't think she's in love with Chris; she knows it. She loves Soules with every ounce of her soul.

But Chris still seems stuck on Becca. He's got his back up against a wall filled with wrenches defending Becca to his brothers-in-law who haven't even met her yet. But they still think Whitney's the better choice.

The family now awaits Becca and trys to keep an open mind. But their faces bely that. Until she shows up. It starts off really well. She was actually pretty great. Maybe the best I've ever seen her.

The sisters start with Becca. She says she's falling in love with Chris but isn't there yet. She says she's not going to pick up her life and move anywhere, yet so it'll have to be a long distance romance. You gotta admire her honesty, if nothing else. She wants the relationship to continue, but just isn't there yet. One sister worries for Chris that Becca isn't as into him as Whitney. Yet she probably has more long-term potential, in my opinion. One sister suggests he push her a bit. Yeah, that always works.

Virgin Becca sits down with Mrs. Chris. The mom tells Becca that Chris is picky, that's why he's single. If Chris is picky, they're a perfect match because I doubt there's anyone pickier than Becca, who's never been in love before. Becca flat-out says, "I'm crazy about him but I"m not at the point where I'm in love with him." She talks about why and for everything she says, the mom responds with, "Do you know what that is?! It's love!"

Chris' dad says Whitney is the sure thing, but Becca is the one Chris wants.

He's got one last date to figure things out. And two days left to make his decision. The first date goes to Becca. They stick around her hotel room to talk. He says he wants everything she can give him just so he knows, because he's struggling. She says she's falling in love with him but just isn't there yet. I like that. Usually, "I'm falling in love" is code for "I'm in love" on this show, but Becca very clearly states that she's not. But Chris doesn't want her to focus on that. He wants to know if she sees a future with him. That's the question he needs answered: "Are you clairvoyant?"

She says she's so excited to be with him, but she can't make any promises on a timeline on when she'd be ready to move and pick up her life. She says she wants a family and wants to be married but doesn't know when that'll happen. Realism will get you nowhere, young lady. Just fake it till you make it. (Probably good advice for the sack, too, when she gets to that point, too.)

Chris rephrases: "Why don't you feel you're in love with me?" She doesn't know. She wants so badly to be able to answer that question. She says she's never been in this position before. Or any position, for that matter! Boom! Oh, yes I did! But all kidding aside, it's virgin territory for her... Boom! I can't help myself!

All she knows is that she wants him. That's the one thing she knows. Mixed signals much?

She has uncertainty on what she'd do in Arlington. Reasonable concerns, I'd say. She doesn't want to do just what Chris does. She worries that she might go there and then realize it's not for her. Chris probably doesn't help by saying they could figure it out. Life is very short and there's no time for fussing and fighting, my friend.

Okay, 'toon time. Chris says he's excited to spend time with Whitney but you can tell his head is elsewhere. Whitney greets him outside and says, "It's nipply out here!" That's twice where I've had to go back and relisten to her squeaky voice to pick up what she said. Even the second time it sounded like "nipply." I think she meant "nippy," but I'll take it.

They're at his farm. They harvest some corn together, if you get my drift. And by "harvest some corn," I mean they sit in a tractor and actually harvest corn. She's a little too excited about this, if you ask me. She's in it to win it.

Then he gives her a tour of all his farms. The guy is the Donald Trump of farms, it seems like. Then he takes her to his house. She immediately feels at home. She probably peed over everything to mark her territory.

That night they have drinks at her hotel room. There's a framed photo of her with Chris. She takes it everywhere. Boiled rabbit is cooking in the kitchen.

I think it's her complete lack of hesitation that is off-putting. For such a drastic change of lifestyle, she should have at least a few.

Chris asks her what makes her so certain. She said, "I'm really glad you asked that question." Sounds phoney. She says she can know what he's thinking, yet obviously can't otherwise she'd know he was thinking about Becca.

He tells her he is excited about her and what they have. And he seems totally excited in the same way one is excited about a root canal.

Now it's decision time. But Chris still doesn't have clarity. He shaves then struts his gut as he tells us he's scared. Then he gets a visit from the ring man. As he pores over the rings, he's as confused as ever. He worries about his state of mind and whether he should even make a decision feeling this way. But he's all dressed now so he must at least show up.

He arrives at a barn, complete with haystacks, dressed to the nines. It's a barn where he raised his first pig. What a dreamy romantic! Candles are everywhere. Someone from Hollywood doesn't understand that hay is flammable.

He says it's a very real option that he doesn't propose to anyone because he's so torn. If that's the case, I think one woman would be very upset. The other? Meh.

Harrison just tells us that After The Final Rose provides the real game-changer. Maybe we'll see an on-air breakup. Or switch. Or something totally misleading. Could be anything.

The first stretch limo arrives. It's a long one. Roomy. Becca gets out. She tells Harrison she's nervous. Chris is saying he doesn't want to say goodbye. I think he'll choose her, but maybe I'm swayed by the edit.

He gives her the speech. It's all good so you know what that means: Bad conclusion. He tells her she's not ready. It's not fair to take that leap at this point. She doesn't seem too shaken up by it. Maybe more relief than anything. She tells him she respects him. They hug. Their hearts beat as one. He walks her out, even though they're already so out we can see their breath.

She gets back in the roomy limo and drives off. Chris is more upset than she is. She says she's in a state of shock and doesn't feel good. She can't process it right now. So that explains the no tears. You know what that means, don't you, honey? You're not in love!

Now the big question is what happens with Cartoon Whitney? And does it matter since Harrison tells us the real drama is in After The Final Rose?

She arrives at the barn full of nerves. She starts yammering on, as is her wont, and ends with, "I love you." Gutsy move if he doesn't select you. He puts on his best resigned face and recounts their history. He says it feels so right and so perfect. And that's what he wants for the rest of his life. Then he says, "I love you." He gets down on one knee. Yada yada yada.

And once again I can't help but imagine what she's going to think when she watches this episode and finds out she was second best, that it wasn't so much that Chris didn't select Becca, but that Becca didn't select Chris.

Oh yeah, she accepted. They sit in the barn window, marvel at the scenery, and kiss, newly engaged. I feel nothing. Just like Becca.

Not dramatic in the least. Kinda standard, in fact. So this AFR better be good.

Chris enters before the live studio audience. He stumbles over saying, "Whitney is the perfect person for me." Nice start to their now public coupling.

They talk about Becca but he doesn't seem stuck on her. He's not looking back. So where's the drama?

Becca joins them. They haven't spoken since the barn, however long ago that was. She seems as cool to him as always. They talk about how she's never fallen in love before. And Harrison tries to drive home how unusual this is for the show. This better not be the big "never before seen" tease he was talking about. But I guess you gotta do what you gotta do on a boring season.

No wait, there's an unprecedented announcement coming up that will "leave everyone speechless." 

Cartoon Whitney enters and says she's the happiest girl in the entire world. Harrison asks what it's like to be out in the open now, with no more secret rendezvouses. But why would they need a secret rendezvous when they're in Arlington? They could be in complete anonymity there. Cows don't talk.

They are happy so no controversy here. Still waiting for it. Whitney says she didn't watch the season. She doesn't see it as a necessity since she doesn't doubt their relationship. Probably wise on her part. Good thing there's no internet on the farm. Or phones, apparently. Or friends who watched the show.

Now she says she'll move to the farm in the future. The future? Where was that during the season? All we heard from her was how she'd be totally happy there. Becca voiced her reservations but said she'd move anywhere once in love. She should have kept it to herself like Whit did.

Harrison shows a clip they didn't use on the show. Right after the engagement, we see Chris' parents walking down the road to the barn, crashing the proposal. The mom immediately starts talking babies, and says they've got to practice lots first. Awkward little 'welcome to our family' sex talk.

Ashley S, the fake dimwit, is in the audience. Harrison presses her about Bachelor in Paradise again because nobody in the world is clamouring for it to happen. She says she supposes she might be there. Won't she just make a travesty of that, too? Or is that show already travesty-proof?

More with Whitney. Harrison calls her on the carpet about sneaking off to Arlington. So I was right. But they laugh it off. So much for contracts.

Speaking of travesties, Jimmy Kimmel makes an appearance. Takeaways: Chris and Whitney haven't fought and they've been regularly making love. There's the practice Chris' mom was talking about. Kimmel tells Chris, "Bottom line, Becca wasn't into you." Nailed it.

Before he leaves, Kimmel has a present for them. He runs off stage and re-enters with a cow. It's something they can use "for that horrible farm you're moving to." The cow's name is Juan Pablo. Cue PETA outrage.

Next, finally, is the big announcement. It's about The Bachelorette and is unlike anything we've heard before. What could be unprecedented about a Bachelorette announcement? Every one is unprecedented because it's always someone new. But it better be good because the last three hours have been humdrum.

So who's it going to be? Harrison said they had a hard time deciding. Everyone was divided, staff and fans alike. He asks if the Bachelorette should be Dirty Hippy or Vancouver Girl. VG wins the studio audience vote easily. But the staff decided not to decide. For the first time, there are going to be two Bachelorettes. Can you say "gimmick"?

Um, okay. The franchise couldn't get more ridiculous, so what the hell.

The 25 men will have the say on day one. Presumably that means one of the two Bachelorettes will be voted off on the first episode. The audience is underwhelmed, as they should be. Harrison takes it as them being "floored." Britt and Kaitlyn enter holding hands like sister brides. Britt seems more into it than Kaitlyn. Without having any idea how it will work, I've got to say it sounds like a disastrous idea. But that's what you get when you refuse to make executive decisions and try to appease "Bachelor Nation." Take charge, producers. Don't be spineless. I hope "Bachelor Nation" vilifies the idea.

Anyway, I can't get too worked up about it. I'm just glad another season is over with. No matter how bad the two Bachelorettes idea is, it can't be any worse than a season on the farm.

I just scrolled back up to the top of my post, where I quoted Harrison as saying, "Buckle up, it's going to be a wild ride and the entire country will be talking about it tomorrow morning." I think it's safe to say you can unbuckle now. There was a mechanical failure with the ride. But he was right about one thing: tomorrow morning everyone will be talking about what a dud the show was.

Farmer Chris: All this for Chris?

Really looking forward to tonight's episode. Not because of anything the women might tell us, but because it's the light at the end of the tunnel. Only one more week! Fourteen more sleeps! (I nap a lot.)

A standing ovation for Chris. Harrison, that is. Is he bigger than the show? No, but I betcha he thinks he is. He tells us this is the most shocking season they've ever had. He almost keeps a straight face, too. I sense he's saying it tongue in cheek but the audience takes him seriously. Then again, if you're the type to go to a live taping of The Bachelor, chances are you buy it hook(er), (eye)line(r) and s(t)inker.

Now the tradition of crashing Bachelor viewing parties. A tradition that dates back a year or two. A totally unnecessary television event. How do they know where these parties are? And if they know where they are, they can't be a surprise. There are no surprises in network television. Chris worries that some of them might have guns. One lady old enough to be Chris' mother does have guns, so to speak, and kisses Chris smack on the lips.

At one party, a woman mistakes Carly for Becca. Or vice versa. I'm still not sure who's who.

At another, everyone starts chanting "Shot! Shot! Shot!" No guns, though, thank God. They're talking alcohol. One woman downs hers from the bottle. Then the gang goes chasing Chris' vehicle down the street.

Oh, get this: Harrison promises "the funniest bloopers in Bachelor history." If there's one laugh in them, he'll be right.

Here are the ladies: Nikki, Trina, Juelia, Tara, Amber, Megan, Samantha, Jordan, Ashley S., Jillian, Kelsey, Britt, Mackenzie, Ashley I., Jade, Carly, and Kaitlyn. I'm sure I'll remember them as they start crying.

Britt asks Carly why she pretended to be her friend. Carly says she didn't pretend. I love the ambiguity. She has plausible deniability where she can say, No, I wasn't pretending; I really liked you. When, in fact, she probably meant, I wasn't pretending and I didn't like you. The women go back and forth and start talking over each other. Harrison invites Britt up to the couch and asks her if she was falling in love with Chris. She says, "Absolutely." Who's buying that? But it quickly goes back to everyone talking over everyone else.

Jillian, on steroids, is "a little jacked up," according to Harrison. She defends the Dirty Hippy, and that makes Britt cry some more. Then she gives her résumé about coaching children, etc. in an effort to be chosen the next Bachelorette. (And I've got to say, since seeing her on Jimmy Kimmel Live, I'd support that. I like her.)

The Sexy Fake Virgin, who's sitting up very straight to keep her boobs from falling out of her vertically split blouse, brings up overhearing the Dirty Hippy talking about being happy with being single and saying she didn't want kids. Britt's got an answer for every charge. And a believable one, too. Then Carly says she doesn't wish Britt ill-will at all. But then they start talking about Arlington and it all deteriorates into a veritable she said/she said.

Harrison asks Britt if she thinks she'd still be with Chris if Carly weren't there and Britt says yes. She's crying a bit too much that my support for her Bachelorette bid is waning, but I still like her. I don't mind Carly, either – although certainly not as Bachelorette – even though I think she was jumping to conclusions. In fact, I don't think I actively disliked any of the women this season, crazy or manipulative though some may be.

We come back from commercial and Britt is still crying, hashing it out with Harrison. Okay, too much. But as my wife says, she's even pretty when she cries. Britt says she really thinks she could be with Chris if it weren't for Carly. Then she's escorted back to her seat and we get the count-in to live TV. What's that all about? Is that fair? Are there no private conversations even during a commercial break? Reminds me of Detective Frank Drebin in The Naked Gun leaving the podium with his mic on and taking a whiz while everyone out in the conference hall hears the whole thing.

Things don't promise to get any rosier with Kelsey in the hotseat. Harrison says the other women call Kelsey the Black Widow. I don't think I heard that before. It's a little below the belt, I'd say. In about her third sentence out of her mouth, she mentions the death of her husband. Thank God because we almost forgot. She cries and asks for a tissue. Harrison gives her his silk hanky and she blows her nose with it. He says, "It's yours now."

Even though she's crying (and sometimes laughing; it's kinda her thing), the other women just laugh at her. That's gotta be the worst. I'd think it would be easier to take irrational screaming than someone just laughing in your face. Some of the women are chomping at the bit, asking if they can speak. Harrison says, "Not yet," in a take-charge way. Hey, Harrison just said "chomping at the bit" right after I wrote it. Trust me, I wrote it first.

Juelia said Kelsey is one of the most calculated people and one of the fakest she's ever met. Megan says her mom, who lost her husband suddenly, couldn't fathom how Kelsey could use her husband's death like that and Megan suggests if she was still grieving, she shouldn't have come on the show in the first place. And the rest pile on. I do a cursory search for Sanderson Poe, Kelsey's deceased husband, and find out he died last May. Yeah, it does seem a bit soon to be publicly looking for love, but who's to say? As public defender Jillian says, everyone grieves differently.

Kelsey asks for forgiveness. The Sexy Fake Virgin says it's hard to forgive her. Then Kelsey reminds the Sexy Fake Virgin about something she said that was so "below the belt" (again, I used that expression before she said it; I guess I just like clichés). SFV had apparently suggested Kelsey's husband was fake. Superheroine Jillian comes to Kelsey's rescue. Here's the thing, though: Kelsey seems like a bad actress even if she's being completely honest. I'd absolutely love to see her as the next Bachelorette. That would probably be the best season ever, for all the wrong reasons.

Now for the comic relief. It's the nutbar Ashley S. This is her moment in the sun. It's what she wanted all along – her 15 minutes. We see a series of non sequiturs from her time on the show. She looks relatively sane watching the clips. Now we can get a better sense if this was all an act or not.

Harrison calls her "easily one of" his favourite women of all time. She hugs him and says, "It's nice to meet you." She is so acting. She brings him a "hosting gift": an onion. It's from her garden. Apparently. No matter what she says, everyone is in stitches. I don't get it. She mentions Mesa Verde and Vancouver Girl is busting a gut. She likes to ride bikes and Sexy Fake Virgin is in hysterics. You can't write that!

Harrison begs her to join them in Bachelor in Paradise. The crowd chants, "Do it, do it!" She says, "It's so weird." Harrison asks what? She says, "That we're on TV." He throws it to commercial and the audience laughs. But she was dead right.

Harrison broached the subject of whether or not she was an actress hired by the show and he says Meryl Streep couldn't have pulled that off. I'd never thought that before but after this segment, I can totally see how she's a plant. And all season she's reminded me of someone I can't put my finger on. An actress. Anyway, I'm sure it'll all come out in good time.

Now it's Playboy Jade's turn. Harrison calls it an "x-rated secret." Hyperbole much? She sure is cute, though. And naturally so. Better without makeup than with. She's maybe my favourite and one I'd love to be the next Bachelorette even if it'll never happen. But I'm sure she's a lock for Bachelor in Paradise. And maybe a feature Playboy spread now that she's got some fame.

I can't believe she's this broken up about the Farmer. It just doesn't add up. Then again, I can't believe any of them are. How does this guy warrant all the wailing and gnashing of teeth? I'm flummoxed.

Jade says she had a very strong connection with Chris, but wisely avoids saying she was falling in love with him because nobody would believe it. She was crushed after reading his blog when he said he was concerned about her family saying she was wilder than the shy girl she portrayed on the show. Because, um, well... not sure why.

Next the fun-loving Vancouver Girl. She's a fan favourite but I haven't really warmed to her. We see her intro to Chris where she tells him he can "plow the fuck out of my field any day." She says she masks emotions with humour. Hope she does that on the sofa with Chris. Enough with all this overwrought emoting.

VG tells Harrison she thinks about that last rose ceremony "every single day." EVERY SINGLE DAY! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?! She says she was the most confident she'd ever been at a ceremony, and then she was sent home, blindsided. She says she was in love. IN LOVE! I DON'T GET IT! Everything about it breaks her heart, she says, and she's never been more nervous in her life than in anticipating Chris' appearance.

Now the man of the hour himself. Or two hours. He doesn't look good. A bit haggard, it looks to me. Britt starts and asks if she can join him on the stage. Now is everyone going to do that? Is this the start of a new tradition? She and Chris hug. Carly rolls her eyes. Boy, that's a long, quiet hug. She starts by telling him she understands why he did what he did. She says Carly duped her, too, so it's understandable if she duped him. Passive-aggressive points to Britt. Carly almost breaks down at that little composed dig. Chris tells Britt his decision had nothing to do with Carly and she says that makes her feel better, for some strange reason.

Vancouver Girl stays in her seat and tells Chris she had zero reason to believe she was done and she wants answers. He says there's no explanation, that he was falling in love with three women. He says he was throwing darts in the dark. Vancouver Girl looks skeptical. She asks why she didn't get the courtesy to be pulled aside earlier the way Andi pulled Chris aside to save him the humiliation. He says it's his first time being the Bachelor. He apologizes and says in hindsight it would have been the right thing to do. I don't know. I mean, of course it's the right thing to do. On the other hand, there's a show with a big part of it being a rose ceremony. If you let some take the easy way out, you're automatically "disrespecting" everyone else who has to leave the old-fashioned way. Either make the rose ceremony mandatory, or do away with it altogether. Can't have it both ways.

Chris tells Vancouver Girl he did the best he could in that moment. She looks a little more accepting. Vulnerability always works. And if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Jade's turn. She, too, asks to come to the stage because she doesn't want to talk at him, she wants to talk to him. Semantics. See what the Dirty Hippy started? Jade cries when she brings up his blog, where he said it was disturbing to hear her family calling her a wild mustang. She also didn't like how he described watching her naked videos and photos as "awkward." He stands by his claim that it was awkward. Nothing as awkward as that whole interaction, though.

Bloopers time. Let's see if there's a single laugh... One chuckle with the dolphin after a montage of Chris' laugh. So yeah, okay, it was the funniest bloopers in Bachelor history.

Harrison announces he has written a romance novel. Or at least a ghost writer has and he's attached his name to it. Oh joy. I can't wait to not read it.

Next week, it's like nothing we've ever seen before! Will it be the Real Virgin or the Cartoon Character? Apparently Chris is torn. Nope, never seen anything like that before. He hints that he might not ask either of them. Did you notice Harrison didn't ask Chris if he was happy with his choice tonight? There was no mention. Maybe his haggard looks were because he's a broken man yet had to go out there and put his best face forward.

We will find out in due course. Seven days. Fourteen more sleeps.

Farmer Chris: Virgin fantasy

Hey, all. Thanks for the bountiful comments last week. I enjoy reading them as they pour in. But I should point out I took no issue with Anon2, other than good-natured ribbing right back at him. We shouldn't look down at him. After all, not everyone can be as eloquent and have as big a vocabulary as us and Kelsey.

You know how I retain next to nothing from week to week with this show, right? So when right off the bat this week Chris says Molly is beautiful, I was sitting there perplexed wondering which one Molly was. Then I realized he said Mali, not Molly. And then later in the show when the graphic came up, I realized it was neither. It was Bali. Chris has to take those marbles out of his mouth. (Note to self: Look up Bali on a map.)

Then we get the upcoming highlights. We see Chris at the rose ceremony asking Virgin Becca to speak to him for a moment. Then we see Vancouver Girl saying, "Oh, shoot" and see Chris returning alone. That can only mean one of two possible things: 1. He dumps her. 2. The complete opposite. You never know with those editors.

There's so much culture in Bali, Chris says marvelling. Then again, Cleveland looks pretty exotic next to Arlington.

Vancouver Girl gets the first date. She greets him with the FLW (Flying Leg Wrap). Then they walk around with baskets on their heads and take a stroll through the streets. He introduces VG to a local as his girlfriend. Have no idea what the lady said back to him. Where are the subtitles when you need them?

Creepy monkeys abound. One hisses at Chris. Chris and VG buy some mini bananas to feed the mangy creatures and they start attacking Chris and peeing on him. Not sure how the pee landed in Chris's armpits, though.

Then they sit and kiss in the forest. I mean Chris and VG, not the monkeys. Although I think I'd rather see monkeys kissing. Vancouver Girl tells Chris how much her family liked him and he giggles. Then they kiss some more. I don't think there's been a Bachelor I enjoy seeing kiss less.

At night, VG tells us she's definitely scared to tell Chris how she's feeling. They sit down at table and kiss again. She shakes from nerves. She says she has a guard up and is trying to think how to let it down. She has a fear of loss stemming from her last relationship. He tells her he's extremely excited about what they have going. Then more icky kissing.

Chris whips out a card. What's this all about?! I wonder what it might say. Oh, it turns out it's an invitation from Harrison to stay in the fantasy suite. What are the odds?! She reads it then answers, "I can't... imagine saying no to that." They agree it's exactly what they need. And kiss some more. She stops shaking and they get up and walk off to the fantasy suite. Gross.

Looking at Vancouver Girl's oddly placed tattoos on the backs of both arms made me think of some news I read last week. A Canadian PhD student has developed a cheap tattoo removal cream that doesn't burn the skin. Here's the news story, in case you missed it. This is for you, Kaitlyn.

Sitting on the bed in the fantasy suite, VG admits she's "completely falling in love" with the Farmer. I'm not buying it. She's totally cosmopolitan, not a farmer's wife. Chris kisses her again and stops to say he's falling in love with her, too. That I buy, but not vice versa.

He takes her into the bedroom and they sit and kiss some more. Then he pulls the blinds, thank God, which is TV code for dirty sex. She says she can see herself with Chris forever. Still not buying it.

Whitney next. He expresses concern after seeing her with sperm that she might not fit in on the farm, but if she doesn't fit, nobody would. She, too, greets him with the FLW. They board a big sail boat and set sail on the Indian Ocean. Chris says it's a beautiful place to fall in love. Who'da thunk it?

This is the first we've seen (or I've noticed) of Cartoon Whitney in short Daisy Duke cut-offs. It's a good look for her.

She talks about her sister, how she loves her but how sis irks her so. Says sis is a lawyer and so always expects the worst. Chris reassures her and they do some more disgusting kissing. Then they jump off the boat. She feels very confident she's going to marry him. And they kiss some more, which garners two thumbs up from the ship's captain and two thumbs down from me.

Even though she's got a helium voice, I get the sense she could be a very tough lady, indeed. Maybe it's the intense stare or the purposeful words or her drive. But I'd be more scared of her than the other two.

At night, Chris brings up his Arlington insecurities, telling her he spends most of his time just hanging out at home alone. He's sweating profusely. She tells him she has the career but she's not fully happy. She wants to be a wife and mom first. If she moves to Arlington, she just wants to have babies. No career. He says he can see her being a part of his life. She finally relaxes and smiles and they kiss some more. He gives her the much-anticipated card.

She's thought a lot about it and she thinks it would be great. She asks him what he thinks. He sweats some more and pretends that they need it, rather than the truth that he just wants to get it on. It looks like a different suite. He and VG must have trashed the other one. He pulls the blinds, indicating it's go time.

Next is the Virgin's turn. She still hasn't told Chris that she's waiting until marriage to have sex. What a letdown this is going to be for Chris. What a waste of a perfectly good fantasy suite.

He does know, however, that she's never been in love before. So let's hash this out. If he assumes she's had sex before, he must have thought it was without love.

They walk around and drink juice from coconuts, high-five kids, and talk to a village medium. The mystic tells them they're a very good couple. She asks if Chris will be a good dad one day. Yes, they will both be good parents. Chris asks what Becca's biggest weakness is. The guy says she's hard to control. In other words, it ain't happening tonight. But then she asks for advice on the night, and the swami says they should make love. Chris giggles and says, "I like this guy!" and pops a boner.

She says she'd be devastated if her virginity is a deal-breaker for Chris. They sit and kiss but thankfully the camera pulls back quickly. But then they stand in some rapids and kiss so we just can't escape it.

Now the big night. She tells the camera she's having very new feelings and it's only natural to want to have sex. But she's not going to say anything to him until the card comes. They have a stilted conversation, as all of Chris's conversations are. The question of Arlington arises again. She says she'd have to be really sure about him and them before she made that move. Honest but probably not helping her cause.

Chris tells her, like he told the other two, how he could see himself spending the rest of his life with her. They kiss. Her mouth is closed the whole time. As are her legs.

Now he gives her the card. Chris looks hopeful as she reads it. She stares at him and we go to commercial. But I'm not going to start a new paragraph because they can't control me! Now her answer: "I would love to spend time with you alone and have more time together. I think it's very important to spend that time and we need to be alone." Chris concurs and they kiss. The tension is building. Still no word from the Virgin about her virginity. They walk hand in hand to a third fantasy suite and toast falling in love. Now the big announcement comes. Why not wait until the cameras leave and tell him in private? (I know, I know. It was hypothetical.)

She tells him she has something very important to share with him. What's he thinking, I wonder? That she has an STD? She pauses for effect. "I am a virgin," she says. He sighs. Then nods. Then smiles. "I respect that in a lot of ways and I'd be lying if I said that... It surprises me. It says a lot about who you are. I'm more interested in figuring out how this would work." She said his response was perfect. She kisses him big time. This time they both pull the curtains. The camera peaks through to see more kissing. She hints that she might put out.

We see her walking alone the next glorious morning. Chris says the overnight date went great. She has everything a man could want, he says. But they woke up and had a serious conversation. Now there are questions. He says, "I have to consider sending either her or Kaitlyn or even Whitney home." Even Whitney? Sounds like Cartoon Whitney's a lock.

Becca sits on the white sands of a beach while Chris gets emotional, saying he wants all three to meet his family. Well, why not? I thought there are no rules this season? He can do what he wants.

Harrison pays him a visit. Chris says he's struggling to know what the right answer is. He could see himself spending the rest of his life with all three. He says it's excruciating. He feels pretty strong about one rose. That'd be the Cartoon, I'm sure. Harrison asks if it's safe to assume he's in love with her. Yes. Yes, it is. But Becca, the one who isn't ready to move to Arlington yet, is the big question mark.

The rose ceremony is at a sacred temple. Everyone's wearing traditional clothing. There are very strict rules, Chris is told. You can hold hands, but no kissing. Thank God. Best move of the season. Chris says he's ready, but there's still a half an hour left in the show. Something's up.

Becca says she's drained emotionally and hasn't slept. She may as well have had sex all night to feel that way.

Chris addresses the trio, telling them the decision he's about to make is nothing but excruciating. Then he heaves three heavy sighs and asks to speak to the Virgin. Never a good sign. They walk off hand in hand. Cartoon Girl tells us the Virgin told her she thought she was going home.

They sit on some steps and talk. Or at least as best as Chris can do. Thankfully Becca does most of the talking. She tells him she's crazy about him. They hint at their pillow talk. I guess the sticking point was Arlington. She says it's not something she's taken off the table completely. But it's a conversation they'd have to have if they go forward. He says he's never doubted their potential. He's talking about his difficult decision.

Vancouver Girl feels guilty about feeling happy about the possibility of the Virgin going home. But here they come, walking back in hand in hand. Vancouver Girl says, "Oh, shoot." Cartoon Girl looks like she's having a hard time concealing her inner rage. There's no shot of Chris walking alone. Those lying editors.

So it's gotta be Vancouver Girl going home. Cartoon Girl is completely caught off guard, but she's got nothing to worry about.

Chris apologizes to them for making them wait and gets on with the business of handing out roses. Here they come:

1. Cartoon Whitney
2. Virgin Becca

Vancouver Girl starts to walk away without saying her goodbyes, but Becca reaches out to her and VG doubles back. She's understandably upset but she was never a fit for the Farmer anyway. And besides, third place is a good position to launch one's Bachelorette career from. Although I must say after seeing the Dirty Hippy on Jimmy Kimmel recently, she's probably the frontrunner.

Chris tells VG he's so sorry and hugs her. She stands limp. She asks what happened? He says nothing happened. "Just certain things I don't even understand right now. This has been the most excruciating week of my entire life. I didn't have any idea this would be this hard." Then he stammers some more about it being excruciating. She looks everywhere but at Chris while he's yammering on. She finally lets go and cries in his chest. She said she didn't want to go in the van and "do this." Nothing to do with Chris dumping her. She just didn't want to have to do the post-dump recap talk to the camera in the car.

But in she gets like a trooper. The car takes off before her seatbelt is done up. She says it was the most humiliating moment of her whole life. "I'm really, really confused. That's how I'm feeling right now. It really blows my mind. The whole reason of putting my guard up was to deflect this feeling that I'm feeling right now." That feeling most likely lasted all the way to the airport before she realized she dodged a major bullet.

Chris takes a moment on some steps to reflect on his decision and we fade to black. The next time we'll see him is at the Women Tell All episode, which should be a doozy. Then the final when he proposes to the Cartoon character.