Bachelorette JoJo: Weirdest. Episode. Ever.

Did everyone enjoy their two-week break? I sure did. As a Canadian, July 4th to me is the day after July 3rd. I don't even think of it unless I hear the date. So I tuned in dutifully at the anointed hour only to think I had dementia. The show was on but it seemed all too familiar. Finally figured out it was a repeat about 45 minutes in.

I exaggerate. Slightly.

But after two weeks, I was ready to get back to work. And it took me only about 45 minutes to figure out who everyone was again.

While in the lineup at the grocery store, I saw a magazine cover that all but said Jordan was a fraud. I didn't read it, but that's what everyone was saying last week. No signs of it this week at all. What do you think? Is Jordan more of a fraud than the rest? Or is Jordan the same as everyone else? Post your answer to the comments section.

Hometowns are right around the corner (next week). We know JoJo is going to want to meet Jordan's famous brother, so he's a shoe-in. Or so I thought until he told her doesn't have a relationship with his sibling. Whoops.

Chris Harrison enters for his two minutes of screen time to justify his free trip to Buenos Aires. He tells the fellas there would be three 1-on-1 dates but without roses. The 3-on-1 group date, however, would come with the flower. I figured everyone would want the group date this time for a 1 in 3 chance of guaranteeing a trip back home. Nope. They all pined for some alone time. Saps.

Wee Alex was the only one left who hasn't had a 1-on-1 so he was desperate. He got the first one. I wrote in my notes, "I hope he goes home." And you can tell right off the bat it's headed that way. They're taken on a long drive. To pass the time, they munch on Pringles in the back seat. Alex tries to kiss her with Pringle duck lips. She nips that in the bud.

Throughout their date, we're witness to the other five taking a bus to see some sights. For no reason at all. The bit with them goes absolutely nowhere, even as they're driven to a "sketchy" barbecue spot (where even a dog wouldn't touch the mystery meat) and to a polo club. Can you say filler? Can you say network TV time killer? Hey, that rhymes. Reminds me that they all were "rapping" on the bus ride as only five white guys can. The only thing worse was the cut to Wee Alex "freestyling" with a weak couplet.

Alex and JoJo finally arrive at a ranch, ending their awkward silent drive. They're told by the authentic gauchos that they'll never be gauchos because gauchos are born, not made. But they can make-believe! Luckily for all, the ranch had some little boy gaucho outfit for Wee Alex to wear. Another sign that JoJo had no romantic interest with Alex was her calling him a "cute little gaucho."

The next segment will go down in Bachelor/ette lore as perhaps the weirdest ever. A real gaucho got down and dirty with a horse. The horse "gives into him." What the actual hell? He gets the horse on its back, gets on top of it, and sweet talked it until it was lying down spent. JoJo and Alex are instructed to lie down and "spoon" with the majestic animal. And they comply! Then they kiss over top of the horizontal horse. Weirdest. Episode. Ever.

"Tonight is one of the happiest moments of my life. It really is," says Alex, in a textbook moment of foreshadowing. But then they kiss and JoJo looks happy, so who knows? Then again, I think JoJo would be happy kissing anyone.

Alex gets ahead of himself, saying he'd love to "crack a cold one" with her brothers and watch some football. He clearly didn't watch last season. Then it all comes crumbling down. He needs her to know that he's falling in love with her. Gulp. She never expected him to say that, she says. And why should she? It was just the week before hometowns. Five other guys left. Tons of time left!

She tells him it was the best day she's had with him and he gets momentarily excited because he heard the words "best day" without the qualifier. It's also the only day she's had with him. Details, details. She tells him she doesn't feel as excited as she should feel given the situation. His arm drops off her neck as realization sets in. Then she feeds him the old line of letting him go now instead of keeping him around for another two days because she respects him so much. I think I'd feel more respected if she kept me around under the illusion that she's really thinking about who to send home, like it's a tough choice. Plus it's an extra couple of days in Argentina.

She walks him to the car and leans down to hug him goodbye. He can't look her in the eye – and not just because she towers over him. He mutters, "Take care," and gets in the vehicle. She cries, saying, "I don't know how to do this... I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

Jordan the alleged fraud gets the next 1-on-1 date. He's driven in a white stretch limo to an airfield where JoJo is waiting by a private jet that will whisk them away to Mendoza for a wine tasting and smushing. That's right, they take off their shoes and crush grapes with their bare feet just like Lucille Ball did. Note to self: Never drink Argentinian wine. That's just gross. And to make matters grosser, they dip wine glasses into the newly mushed grapes and scoop up some grape juice/toe jam concoction. Who else just threw up a bit?

At dinner, he reveals that his older brother is hilarious and that he has no relationship with the younger, famous NFL star brother, Aaron. JoJo dries right up.

He also says he "walked away from" football. That's code for being cut by three teams. He showed them! I just Googled him and found out he also played for my hometown BC Lions in the Canadian Football League. But further reading revealed he made the practice roster, then attended a mini camp before "abruptly" quitting. He told JoJo he could have kept playing but that football doesn't define him. Yes, I'm sure any team in the CFL would have loved to have had him on their practice roster.

But before she can absorb all this potentially disastrous information, he tells her, "I am so in love with you." She gazes into his eyes and says, "That makes me so happy." She grabs his chin and brings it next to her chin. They chin each other.

The group date is Chase, Robby and Not James Taylor. It's a kind of slumber party. It starts off with some greasy junk food. She shoves about 25 french fries into Not James Taylor's mouth and that's possibly more disgusting than the toe jam vino. They also play charades and Truth or Dare, where she dares Robby to strip down to his gaunch and run through the hotel hall knocking on doors. He throws in a mooning for good measure.

Not James Taylor keeps "joking" that Robby has a wandering eye for the Argentinian ladies. It may or may not be true, but NJT won't let up. JoJo doesn't like it if it's true. But I don't think it's going to matter one way or the other. The four of them lie on the bed watching the Brazilian version of The Bachelor. So Argentina, a Spanish-speaking country, gets Brazilian (Portuguese speaking) TV?

JoJo takes Robby outside, perhaps to test his wandering eye. They talk about his last relationship. He broke up a 3-year relationship just a few months ago. He says in three years he never saw her house and met her mother only once. He probably never saw her penis, either.

Chase and JoJo sit inside. He's serious but plays it cool. He's committed but not desperate. They kiss romantically.

Not James Taylor and JoJo also sit inside on a couch, only she sits farther away from him than she did with the others. They talk like friends. And not particularly close ones. He tells her he's "very much in the process of falling for" her. They kiss, but barely. Body language experts could have a field day with her.

My prediction was that Chase would get the rose. Wrong. It went to Robby because she wants to meet his family. Maybe so she can find out for sure if he really likes girls. Since Robby got the rose, he also got more alone time with JoJo. Not James Taylor and Chase took a van back to the hotel. James figures either him or Chase will be going home at the rose ceremony. He's not so dumb after all.

Luke gets the last 1-on-1. JoJo introduces him to Snowflake, a miniature horse. That was nice of her to have this date with Luke and not Alex. That would have been cold.

They go off riding full size horses. Luke knows what he's doing. He's like a horse whisperer, only he doesn't use his powers to bed horses like that other freak.

They ride to a shooting range to do some skeet shooting, and Luke is a natural there, too. They kiss on a haystack. But the date is shorter than the other two. No night time portion. The rose ceremony is that night. No cocktail party, though, because she knows what she's gonna do. She's going to send Not James Taylor home because, presumably, she doesn't respect him as much as Wee Alex.

Robby was the only one with a rose. The other roses went in order to:

1. Luke
2. Jordan
3. Chase

Goodbye Not James Taylor. Good luck with your record contract. She walks him out and cries. She says he touched her heart and made her a better person. I'm surprised it took me this long but I suddenly realize that if they made a movie of this season, Not James Taylor would be played by John C. Reilly.

He thanks her for being so sweet to him. It's all very positive through the tears. Mind you, she's not crying because she thinks it may be the wrong decision or she was anywhere near close to choosing him. She's crying because she feels sorry for him.

Next week: The hometowns! Let's see who has the biggest train wreck family. In the highlights, we see JoJo breaking down in a blue gown saying her heart is broken. We're led to believe this has something to do with Robby but surely she has more sense than that. We'll see.

Bachelorette JoJo: Two, two, two 2s-on-1

Howdy. I think that's how they greet people in Argentina. I know there are cowboys there, anyway. The gang is in beautiful Buenos Aires and they've all been coached in the correct pronunciation of that capital city. Who pronounces it the way it's supposed to be pronounced? Only Spanish speakers and news announcers. But you should have heard JoJo say Buenos Eye-rays. Bueno, indeed!

We are more than halfway through this season, thank God. It's okay and JoJo is better than I thought she'd be, but I've got no real rooting interest in anyone.

Chris Harrison makes a guest appearance this week. I guess he always wanted to go to Argentina because he served no purpose. He sat down on a bench with JoJo but nothing of import was said. Then he gathered the fellas together to tell them that his week, for the first time in franchise history, there'd be a second 2-on-1 date in a season. Good thing he was there. How else could they have found out? He earned his paycheque this week.

Deejay Wells gets the 1-on-1 date. The date card reads, "Besame, besame muchacho." Which translates roughly to, "Kiss me, kiss me, dude." Apparently Wells is the only one left to not shared spit with JoJo. All the guys are in shock at his oral chastity instead of getting the sudden realization that they're not so special. She's tonguing everyone. And that's why she chose Wells for this date: for the sole reason of kissing him.

But that card has got him on edge. Even after dressing for his date, he says he's not ready at all. When JoJo arrives, Luke asks her, "Are you guys gonna kiss today?" She responds, "Hmm, that's funny, isn't it?" But yes, that's the plan.

They walk through Buenos Eye-rays and Wells buys JoJo a bracelet from a street vendor. Ka-ching! JoJo takes a mental note: No body, no game, no money.

They attend a performance (kind of) of a show that translates to Brute Force. It involves watching people frolic in an elevated pool from underneath. Now you can see why it's called Brute Force. They do something on a treadmill and Wells, desperately trying to find the right moment to go in for his big moment, goes for a high-5 instead. They miss. JoJo offers him her cheek, which he pecks. Fail.

When Wells and JoJo get in the pool, there's lots of rolling around together. It brings out the confident, romantic side of him. So long neurotic, terrified Wells.

He's so confident that at dinner he tells her they're "pretty different" people. She readily agrees. Whoops. That didn't go so well. Then he tries a new tack. He tells her he had a revelation: all the "perfect" people he dated in the past turned out to be not so perfect. So now he's not looking for perfect. Basically, I like you JoJo because you're not perfect. Just what every woman wants to hear – especially ones who've gone to the trouble of paying for perfection through surgery.

He tells her about his past relationship, one that lasted four years "collectively." Not sure what that meant. But they lived together before realizing they were more friends than lovers. Pretty sure that meant his ex felt that way.

JoJo tells him she's looking for her "unicorn." Wells, understandably, looks skeptical. Unicorns aren't real. She says she thinks relationships never have to fade away. Wells looks at her like she's a unicorn.

Ultimately, Wells doesn't get the rose. JoJo feigns sorrow. She cries minus the tears. It's the polite thing to do. When the driver comes to take Wells' bag away, the guys are all in shock. "No!" says one. "You gotta be kidding me!" says another. It's a complete 180 of moments ago when they were predicting Wells would be sent home.

A group date consisting of Jordan, Luke, Not James Taylor, Robby, and Wee Alex explore the city. Walking in a line really drives home just how vertically challenged Wee Alex is. Nothing wrong with that, understand. Just sayin'.

But it's Not James Taylor who feels like an imposter with these "cool dudes." He says he's not the sexy guy. Say what you will about him, but he's firmly planted in reality. But enough with the self-deprecation. He went a little overboard, never missing a chance to set our expectations low with him.

While out for a stroll, the gang comes across a pickup soccer game. Game on. It's the gringos vs the caballeros. Not sure how it went but at the end the locals come up with the idea that the tourists should do a kick-off/shoot-out (not sure the right lingo) against their best goalie with the winner getting a kiss. And here you know the producers played a huge part in the outcome. With all of Not James Taylor's woe-is-me attitude, they had to give it to him. Everyone else lined up for a kick and whacked it at the goalie but he made every save. Until it was Not James Taylor's turn NJT gave a weak little shot and the goalie didn't even try to stop it. Gooooaaaaallll!!!! and Kiiiiiissssss!!!!

But it was nothing like the kiss she gave later to Luke. She said she's running out of words to describe the level of passion between them. The spark, she says, is "crazy." Why can't someone interrupt them? It happens all the time but never in such moments of crazy passion.

Not James Taylor gets a moment with JoJo and decides to expose Jordan for what he is: a male. Turns out they were playing poker and had a disagreement about the rules and Jordan didn't bend over. The nerve! The word "entitled" gets bandied about. Then NJT asks JoJo if he can kiss her and proceeds to devour her face as she leaned back defensively.

Then JoJo asked to speak to Jordan. Why does she do this? If someone comes to you in confidence to rat out another player, don't compound the issue by essentially ratting out the rat. Wait a bit, then slyly allude to a problem. Although I'm sure the producers put a bug in her ear to suggest she stir the pot.

Anyway, Jordan tells her that James is one of his best friends in the house (even though they're actually in a hotel). He tells JoJo he's the farthest thing from entitled, although he admits he doesn't quite know what the word means. He doesn't think he's better than anybody, he says. Integrity is huge for him. Then he goes back and calls James "pathetic" so I'm guessing he now thinks he's better than at least one other person.

Not James Taylor thinks Jordan is just in this for fame. Says the guy who whips out his guitar at every opportunity.

The group date rose goes to neither of them. Instead she gives it to a guy who continues to make her feel good and special and excited about the future: Bouffant Luke. Then she looks around at the other guys with a "and-what-are-you-gonna-do-about-it?" look.

Next up is the dreaded 2-on-1 date. Well, Chase is dreading it. Derek is pretty chill. And confident. Way too confident for a bank teller, that's for sure. And because we keep hearing him tell us how he's going to get the rose, we know this means the exact opposite.

The three of them go off to tango. And as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. See, this is why they had to do a second 2-on-1 date. The writers insisted. That line was just too good to pass up. Throughout the practice, Derek's voice-over tells us what a lock he is to get the rose while Chase seems to agree with him. He's pulling a Not James Taylor with the underdog crap.

When she gets alone with Derek, he tells her he's falling for her. "I appreciate that," she tells him curtly. They kiss but a bit reservedly. Then he calls her back for more and this time their tongues get to know each other.

With Chase, she tells him she has strong feelings for him but isn't getting anything back from him. He's shocked to learn this. He tells her he wants his future to be with her as soft music chimes in. They kiss, but this time she goes to him. She wipes the taste of Derek off in Chase's mouth.

Then it's rose time. The only one surprised is Derek. Doesn't even seem like a close decision. She walks Derek out to the waiting car. It's back to the bank for him. "I didn't think this was going to happen," he said. Duh. "I'm Derek. And Derek is imperfect." Derek then tells Derek not to cry while crying.

Chase and JoJo walk into a room with a string quartet and keyboard. From a balcony overhead, a singer sings the only Argentinian song anyone's ever heard (written by Brit Andrew Lloyd Webber), Don't Cry For Me Argentina. And as luck would have it, Derek cried a lot in the vehicle which the editors interspersed with the happy couple and singer. That's cold.

At the cocktail party, Jordan tells her he wants to be in love and engaged at the end of this and he thinks they can get there. He says he wants to "do life" with her. She's smitten. He's definitely getting a rose.

The too-well-groomed Robby isn't wearing socks. That should be enough to send him home.

Wee Alex attacks JoJo's face. Bouffant Luke continues to look creepy. Not James Taylor says the other guys make more money, are better looking, and smarter. He feels like chopped meat. But who doesn't love chopped meat?

It's rose time. We were teased that JoJo might be sending two men home because we saw her saying she couldn't give the last rose out. Of course that means nothing of the sort. Anyway, pre-rosed were Chase and Luke. The other roses went in order to:

1. Sockless Robby
2. Chickenlegs Jordan

That left Wee Alex and Not James Taylor to sweat it out as she consulted with Chris Harrison. She tells him she feels sick to her stomach. I hope she's not pregnant! She gave CH the rose then went back to tell the guys she couldn't give it out. But wait! Here comes Chris Harrison! Off the canvas! He has two roses on a tray to save the day! Psyche!

      3. Wee Alex
      4. Not James Taylor

 I guess because she unexpectedly sent home Wells there was room at the hotel for one more. The underdog Not James Taylor gets a supportive shoulder rub from the guy who called him "pathetic."

Wee Alex, who was the jerk last week, got back to his jerky ways just in time at the end. He said he considered his and NJT's roses as "pity roses." He needn't be too concerned. I'm sure it's the last one he'll get.

Bachelorette JoJo: All Chads are cads

That was a welcome week off, I've got to say. However, early on in the show I forgot all their names. I'd jot down things like "Vancouver guy" or "Chicken Legs." Don't worry, I'm all up to speed now.

This was the resolution to the big cliffhanger with Chad hiking through the woods at dusk whistling ominously before knocking on the cabin door and freaking out all the guys. They were in there celebrating like it was 1999 when they found out Bad Chad would no longer be with them. They were wearing party hats and eating cupcakes after ceremoniously scattering his protein powder to the wind.

Douchey Daniel answered the knock at the door and asked Bad Chad how his date went. "Went really good," he replied. Chad puts the "lied" back into "replied."

All the other guys meet him at the door. Bad Chad gets into it with Chicken Legs Jordan. When it's brought to his attention that he always chooses a threatening or violent route, Chad says he has no option: "The only thing I can think of is to get physical." I believe him. That is, I believe it's the only thing he can think of.

After the heavy convo and the guys go back to their party hats, sniveling Erectile Evan pipes up, reminding Chad that he owes him a new shirt. He better pray it's not delivered right to his home.

And that's that. Not a whole lotta drama. The guys practically throw Wee Alex into the air and sing For He's a Jolly Good Fellow. They call him America's hero. JoJo seems to like him, too. As they finish off their date, she bends down to kiss him as they both stand.

There's still a cocktail party. Robby and Chase both think their relationship with JoJo is ahead of the other guys. I don't see it. Although it may look that way to the others as they witness Robby and JoJo kissing by the fountain. It would mean more, though, if she didn't kiss everyone.

Some anonymous dude (I think it was James F.) wrote her a dreaded poem. Why do guys do this? Are that many people writing doggerel? How is there always someone in every group who has a stanza at the ready? But I gotta admit, out of all the horrible, horrible poetry we've heard on this show over the years, this one might be the best ever. Damning with faint praise, perhaps, but it wasn't completely cringe-worthy.

The bouffant guy (turns out to be Luke) told JoJo he's falling for her. He's already got a rose. Looking at them, I think there's no way they'd get together in real life. But then they kisss and it's real.


Pencil-necked Deejay Wells couldn't find a shirt with a small enough collar. Looked like he was wearing Bad Chad's hand-me-downs. That collar was floating around him.

The other pencil-necked guy, Erectile Evan, thought that the three pre-rosed guys – Bouffant Luke, Chicken Legs Jordan, and Wee Alex – were turning into mini-Chads. As the episode progressed, I agree that one of them was.

The roses went in order to:

1. Bank teller Derek
2. Metrosexual Swimmer Robby
3. Chase
4. Deejay Wells
5. Fireman Grant
6. Vinny the Barber
7. Not James Taylor
8. Erectile Evan (producer's pick)

That means we say goodbye to Douchey Daniel, who released his full Canadian with a, "Guys, take care, eh?" And his full douche with, "If this was based solely on looks, I'd still be there." He says Evan and Wells aren't in his league. Well, he's got a point there, I guess.

We also say goodbye to the poet, James F., who spoke well. I think if he had lasted another week he might have moved ahead of some of the others.

The gang flies off to Uruguay. Not James Taylor, whose mother is a geography teacher, thinks it's by Paraguay. Well, they sound like they might be beside each other. Turns out they don't border on each other, but they're kinda close. I'm sure his mom will give him a pass on that one.

They arrive at their new digs on a beach and Erectile Evan says they have a "360 degree view of the ocean." Hmm... I don't think Uruguay is a tiny island. Not sure how that works.

Jordan gets the first 1-on-1 date. He's the frontrunner, everyone seems to think, and I don't disagree or disapprove. But some think he's there for... wait for it... not the right reasons! I think they're jealous and insecure because he was in the NFL.

He tells JoJo he's falling in love with her. She says she "really likes" him. Ouch. Then she says she met an ex-girlfriend of his who says he wasn't the best boyfriend. How did this happen? When and how would she have met this woman? It had to have been before the season started, right? So how would she know who Jordan was?

But after the initial hard gulp, Jordan handled it well. He said he was focused on sports at the time and wasn't the best person but there was no cheating involved. He says he was immature and enjoyed talking to girls. JoJo is relieved. They kiss and he gets the rose. She thinks it could be "the start of the most perfect love story."

Back at the hotel, the guys are getting haircuts and they pick up a gossip magazine. Who knew Uruguay carried American gossip magazines? There's a story in there about dear JoJo that implies she might be in love with another man. The guys are horrified because, as they all know, gossip magazines are 100 percent truthful.

Her ex-boyfriend, another cad named Chad, penned the article. This show is bad press for Chads everywhere. A producer shows JoJo the article. She cries. She goes to the guys and tells them she's not faking this thing. Actually, what she said is she doesn't want them thinking that she's faking. That may be her semantic out.

JoJo took a group out sand-surfing. Didn't last long. Rain sent them scampering. Isn't it ironic? (No, no it isn't.) Under shelter she tells the group date that she really hopes her husband is "one of you guys." I guess that leaves out Robby and Jordan. Oh well. They were back at the hotel getting the full spa treatment, complete with facial, cucumber over the eyes, and pedicure.

Now Wee Alex, the second strongest guy in the original group after Bad Chad, starts showing his own roid rage. He keeps calling the sweet bank teller Derek variations on a "bitch." And it doesn't help when JoJo gives the group date rose to Derek, saying she wanted to give him "reassurance." Alex calls him "an insecure little bitch" and characterizes it as a "pity rose."

The last 1-on-1 went to Robby, who JoJo says is a good balance of "playful, flirty and sensitive." Maybe, but that doesn't mean she's attracted to him. At least I hope so. But it's the first time we've heard that the "former competitive swimmer" was actually an Olympian. No wonder she likes him.

They stand on a cliff overlooking the water and decide to jump. They strip down and just happen to be wearing swim suits under their clothes. Robby's is definitely not an Olympic swim trunks. JoJo is nervous but she trusts Robby. He makes her feel alive, she says. He has an "emotional intelligence," whatever that means.

At dinner, he speaks of his best friend who died a year ago in a car accident. He was texting and drove off a bridge. The lesson? Yes, don't text and drive, sure, but also life is short. So within six months, Robby quit his job, got out of a 3.5-year relationship, and moved. And then he drops this bombshell: "I've fallen in love with you, JoJo. I have. I love you. I do." Good Lord!

They kiss. She appreciates his vulnerability. He gets a rose. On the beach, they kiss some more and there are literal and figurative fireworks.

There will be no cocktail party but just before the rose ceremony, Derek decides to confront the negativity he's feeling towards him by calling aside Wee Alex, Jordan and Chase. The trio were pretty upset that he'd bother them with this. Because... not sure. Jordan said it's petty and a non-issue. Maybe, but if that's the case, who cares? No reason to get upset. Wee Alex called Derek a "sensitive little bitch" this time.

Only five roses to be handed out on this night. With Robby, Derek and Jordan already pre-rosed, the remaining five go to:

1. Luke's Bouffant
2. Chase
3. Wee Alex
4. Not James Taylor
5. Deejay Wells

Three more go home. That'd be Erectile Evan, Fireman Grant, and Vinny the Barber. Evan says the news was like daggers through his heart. He's really, really said. "I tried," he says. Daddy's going home.

Grant was hurt but confused. Vinny cried. It was the most screen time he's had all season.

Next week the lads and JoJo are off to neighbouring Argentina. The producers decide to give us a spoiler. When it comes down to the final rose next week, she doesn't want to give it out. And in the final episode, we see her saying goodbye at the altar to a man she loves. And it's not Wee Alex because she was looking up to him.