Episode seven, New Zealand

Welcome back, my Bachelor buddies. We got a few more votes in the polls this week, which is good to see. It’s pretty evenly split on who you think is going home tonight. Three of you said Canadian Jillian, three said golfer Molly and two said orphaned Melissa. It’ll be a tough decision. I think it’s going to be Molly. She might be too young, may be a bit shallow and definitely too blonde. I think the swarthy bachelor digs brunettes.

I was flabbergasted with the other poll, though, about DeAnna. Five out of six pollers said they hope he ditches DeAnna this week! Why on earth would you wish that sweet girl such hortbreak? Look, she made a mistake. Who hasn’t been swept off their feet by a pro snowboarder with a bouffant before? If anything, you should want her around an extra week just for the added drama.

I read some American blogs last week and every one of them commented on Jillian’s accent. Wow. Goes to show how immersed I am in Canadiana, but I can’t even hear it. They all singled out her mom rhyming rain with again. I guess Americans don’t say a-gain; they say a-gen. The thing is, we say it both ways. I’m not even sure how I say it. So we’re bi-accented. It’s funny to hear them get all perplexed over it. Ah, our dear, sweet, provincial southern neighbours (how do you like that spelling, Yanks?!). By the way, if there are any American readers to this blog, welcome.

I wonder if Jason is turned off by Jillian’s “accent”. Can’t be. He’s had some doozies on there from the south.

Okay, enough prognosticating and pontificating, let’s get on with the show.

They’re showing last week’s highlights. I’m tempted to fast forward through it, but I’m a completist. I just can’t do that. Besides, I’m enjoying looking at Melissa’s short shorts.

Naomi’s gone and the three that are left are all proposal worthy, in my estimation. That’s a first, I think. Usually there’s some crazy broad I can’t stand sticking around till the end. Not this time. It’ll make the goodbye all that more gut-wrenching. I don’t know how I’ll get through it, but I’ll do my best.

Tonight we’re going to New Zealand. Woo-hoo!... Oh wait, we’re just watching.

Jason is wondering if Vancouver’s own Jillian is too independent to be in his life. Wow. Hints of why, maybe, Jason’s first marriage went in the toilet. Does he want his woman at home?

He also questions the romantic connection with her... Fag. But he also says he could see himself married to Jillian. That actually makes sense, sadly. Without the romance, it’s like they’re already married.

Unintentional hilarity, take 1: “On our first date, Molly slept over. We camped out. And she finally kinda opened up.” I’ll bet she did.

Melissa, he says, reminds him of DeAnna and his ex-wife. Interesting. Told you he was partial to brunettes. But since those two didn’t work out, maybe she’s not the one for you, Jason.

What the hell? Jason just said the fact that he didn’t get to meet Mel’s folks made him question if she’s really serious? Talk about a non sequitur. God, not having to meet parents? How is that anything but a positive?

It’s a long, long flight to New Zealand. I wonder if they all travel together. If so, why all the exaggerated greetings when they first meet?

Chris just hinted that maybe Jillian wouldn’t accept the tantalizing invitation to spend the night in the fantasy suite. That can only mean one thing: she’s in there. No question about it.

***

Jason picks Jillian up in a helicopter. Can you believe that? Never seen that before. She races to Jason and wraps her legs around his midsection. Out of the final three, she’s probably the wildest in bed.

They’re flying around totally in awe at the spectacular scenery. Does no one ever get the teensiest bit nervous? They all act like they’re just on a bus or something. I’d be pooing my pants.

The chopper lands on a ledge and Jason says it was “literally overlooking all of New Zealand.” Um... I kinda doubt that, Jason. New Zealand is small, granted, but it’s not miniscule.

They’re having a picnic on the cliff and Jill is fishing for compliments, asking him what he’d say if someone asked him about her. He says “fun”, and Jill is cool with that. He continues: fun, gorgeous, exciting, adventurous. Then he asks, “Is that what you think about yourself?” And she says yes! I tell ya, that girl is not lacking for confidence.

Jason asks what she’d say about him. She tap-dances around the question.

Jillian is looking for someone to be her best friend at the end of the day. The kind of best friend you can have sex with. Because, really, those are the best kind of best friends, let’s be honest.

She’s said “at the end of the day” twice now. At the end of the day I’m not a fan of that saying.

Did Jason get a nerd haircut for his trip down under? (Is New Zealand considered down under, too? If it’s not, it should be.)

Jason says he used to think he’d want to marry his best friend, but now he wants more than that. Maybe he doesn’t quite get the concept. Or he just doesn’t understand her “accent”.

Jason says he’s looking for true love and passion tonight. If you know what I mean.

But will she accept???... Uh, I think it’s safe to assume they’ll get it on.

***

Jill says, “Best date ever.” Jason says, “And here’s to an even better evening.” Dude, lay back a little. You’re acting desperate.

Ooh, here it comes! What’s she gonna do? Jason’s just sitting there watching her talk. He’s dying to give her the invitation to the fantasy suite. He’s acting weird. If he sends her home after that puppy dog look, I’ll eat my chocolate hat.

After a simmering kiss, Jillian asks Jason to hurry up with the invitation already. I called it. She’s a goer, that one. God love her.

She reads the card and without a blink says, “Do you think you can handle a whole night with me?” Oh, yesiree, Bob, it is on! Bring it!

She wants to see if they connect physically. I wonder if they’re not allowed to say that he’s going to insert his penis into her vagina, or whatever the kids call it these days. Why the code words?

She also says that she knew if they spent the night together, it would be a long night and she wanted to make sure he could handle “all this fire”. Told you she was a tigress in the sack.

I love that Jillian always has mukluks on, even when she’s in a bikini on the way to the hot tub. She must have horrendous calves.

They’re practically schtupping in the hot tub. Jill’s got her legs wrapped around Jason. Forget the fantasy suite. I think Jason is spent.

***

Here comes Molly bounding down the path. Jason looks sheepish, as well he should be after that steamy night with Jillian. Poor, innocent Molly doesn’t know what she’s gotten herself into. He’s a little reserved compared to her exuberant greeting.

Molly says she’s going to show him a little bit more of her emotional side. Do you women really plan things out like that? “Today I’m going to cry like a schoolgirl. That’ll get him!”

It’s bungee jumping for the two of them. Molly’s actually scared. But she’s going to do it anyway. She’s got spunk.

Jason seems really reserved. But old Jason returns when she whips out a list of questions. He has to answer each one honestly:
1. If you could eat only one food the rest of your life... Jason doesn’t even let her finish before blurting out “hamburger”. I think I’ll play along. Off the top of my head, I’d say peanut butter sandwich.
2. What’s your favourite flavour of ice cream? Jason says peanut butter chocolate. I say mint chocolate chip.
3. What is your favourite place in the world? Swarthy Jason says Greece. Me? Hmm... maybe I’d go with New York City.
4. What is your favourite holiday? Jason says birthdays, not realizing that those aren’t really holidays. I’d say Christmas. Which, I guess, was Jesus’s birthday, so I stand corrected.
5. What is your dream car? Jason says Mustang. I’m not really a car guy. Maybe I’d say Mercedes convertible because I liked those as a kid.
6. What’s your favourite meal of the day? Jason says not breakfast. I didn’t know we could answer in the negative. If so, I’ll say not dinner.
7. What body part are you most proud of? Jason thinks says he’s never thought of it before. I’d say my abs (hoping there’s someone reading this who has no idea what I look like).
8. If you could go to a concert of anyone, who would it be? Jason says Elvis. I think he means Presley, not Costello. I’d say, if we can take dead people, Leonard Cohen. I know he’s not dead, but he seems like it.
9. If you could be one person for a day, who would it be? Jason says the president because you could make a big difference. I’m assuming he means the president of the United States of America. I’d say my wife so I could see how awesome it was living with me.
10. If your house were on fire, what is one thing you would grab? I couldn’t make out what he said. Something about sneakers? Notice he didn’t say Ty? I’d say some pants.
11. What is your favourite period of time in your life? Jason says now. Sure, sounds good to me, too.

She says they’re on number 18, so they’ve edited a few out. Man, how bad must they have been if these were the ones they kept? Jason doesn’t seem to be enjoying it. I think he’s still thinking about the night of wild donkey sex with Jillian.

12. What is your morning routine? Jason says it takes him 20 minutes to get ready. My morning routine is looking at the clock and going back to sleep until it passes.

Jason isn’t impressed when Molly says it takes her 45 minutes to get ready. So she quickly backtracks and says she can do it in 5 minutes if she has to. He likes the natural look.

She’s leaving one last question for later that night because it’s the most important question on her list. What could it be? Here’s hoping it’s about Jesus because that’ll just make the decision easier.

I think if anyone wouldn’t go in the fantasy suite, it would be Molly. But that would be a first in Bachelor history. Then again, she’s already “opened up” with him in the tent, so what am I talking about?

***

It’s hard for Molly to talk about her feelings and emotions. There’s always one in every season and usually they’re the ones I’m most attracted to. Who needs to hear all about emotions and gunk like that?

Now Jason is grilling her about her family. He noticed that her parents sat far apart from each other, and so did her sister from her boyfriend/husband. Molly, sounding a bit like an automoton, says that’s a very fair observation. She says they’re just not a mushy-gushy familty, and that’s why she is the way she is.

Oh, poor Molly is a goner.

This is an awkward date. But it all magically changes when she admits she’s falling in love with him. It was a huge breakthrough. But you can tell she’s not used to saying she loves someone because she could barely form the words at the end: “I think I’m falling in love wiya.”

Here’s question number 20 (aka question number 13): Since you have already asked me to to stay the night with you... I would like to invite you to stay the night with me! (and this next part is added in pen later) because I am falling in love with you... Um, that’s technically not a question. That’s a little forward, young lady. Jason says he’d love to. I’m guessing this night will not be the wild night of boning the previous night was. Probably 20 minutes max.

Now they’re previewing the rose ceremony. Still no sign of DeAnna! What’s with that? Get her down there already.

***

We’re halfway through this puppy. It’s Melissa’s turn.

He says he’s had two unbelievable dates so far. If the “physical connection” (i.e. fornication) is so important, why can’t he talk about the relative merits of each one and how they mesh? Okay, that’s kind of creepy, but admit it, you’d love to hear it, too.

His greeting with Melissa was way more euphoric than it was with Molly. Melissa gave him the same crotch grab scissor-lock that Jillian did.

They’re walking along and Jason says, “You know the old prime minister of England...” and before he can finish, Melissa says, “Winston Churchill” like there’s only one possible answer. But she has a cute, most likely Texan saying, pointing to her head: “It’s not just a hat rack.”

They’re on Winston Churchill’s old boat. 1. Why is Churchill’s old boat in New Zealand? 2. Shouldn’t it be bigger? 3. Jason is one connected dude!

She says in every relationship she’s been in, she’s been the “dumpee”. Which raises the question: What’s wrong with her?

Who does Melissa remind me of? Can anyone out there help? Someone really cute, whoever it is.

Oh, quit harping on not meeting her parents. It’s not that big a deal. Now they’re in the hot tub sipping champagne and... talking about her parents. But Jason says, “Falling in love with Melissa has nothing to do with her parents.” Really, big fella? Then give it a rest already!

Yet right after that he says he could fall in love with Melissa without meeting her parents but that it could only go so far. I think it’s fair to assume that if he chooses Melissa, he’ll eventually meet them. So why is this even an issue?

***

They’re at a private dinner in Queenstown. Melissa holds her fork funny, with her index finger sitting on the top of it. She says she talks to her brother almost every day, and she sees her parents a couple times a week. Okay, we get it, they don’t hate you. It just looks that way.

Jason whips out the invitation to the fantasy suite. She says absolutely. She’s getting sloppy thirds and couldn’t be happier.

Jason’s kind of a half-wit, isn’t he? She just opened herself up to him, as he expects his women to do, telling him how scary the process is, and he just has nothing to say until he lamely comes up with, “Nothing’s going to scare me.”

He’s giving her the “let’s get it on” eyes while she’s getting serious and eventually just kisses her to shut her up.

He says he can’t open up himself completely until he knows that they’re there as well. A bit of a double standard, wouldn’t you say? Or a Catch-22. Maybe they’re waiting for him to open himself up before they do.

After seeing him with both Melissa and Jillian, I think it’s safe to say Molly is as good as gone. But Chris assures us that this will be the most dramatic departure of the season, as one woman is sent home broken-hearted.

***

In his talk with Chris, he’s sounding like he’s hedging with Jillian, but I’m sure he’s told to. He says he wants more than a best friend (without ever saying what that is). But I can’t picture Jillian losing it in the most dramatic departure of the season if she’s sent home. Similarly, I don’t see Molly losing it, either. Her dad would be furious. But could it be Melissa? That doesn’t seem likely, either.

Each of the three made Jason a “very personal, private video message” that they’re now going to share with us across North America.

Jillian’s video is first. She starts with, “Hey, babe.” She says she is in complete awe of Jason and everything that he is. She’s in awe that he’s turned a life of adversity into something that is so positive. Did I miss that episode? What was his adversity? A divorce? She talked about a future with him and mentioned fun and homecooked meals, but nothing about love.

Molly is next. Her opening is, “Hey, Jay.” She says she is positive that she is madly in love with him. She’s done her homework. She knows what he expects in a woman: blind devotion.

Finally Melissa. She starts with, “Hey, you.” She looks the least cute she’s ever looked on this show. That’s not the last image he should see before making his decision. She ends with, “I miss you and I love you.” Jason looks visibly shaken at that. Could it be he feels awful because he’s going to send her home? Or could it be some nifty editing by the producers?

So two of the three said the L-word. Only Jillian didn’t. She kind of snuck it in backwards saying, with no trace of emotion, that she needs to thank him for showing her how wonderful it feels to fall in love again. But in his daze, he might have missed it. That could cost her.

Jason says, “I don’t know how I’m going to be able to break someone’s heart today.” Oh, come on, you can do it, kid!

Jason literally sheds a tear. One single tear. From one eye. I thought that only happened in the movies.

***

About twenty minutes left in episode seven and still no sign of DeAnna. I’m beginning to worry about her. I hope she at least calls.

The three finalists are standing there looking purty and Chris tells them that one of them will be on a plane back home tonight. And now here comes our Bachelor. He’s walking a bit funny. I guess three nights of wild sex will do that to a guy. Maybe he’s got a rash.

Jason’s not good at this. He’s a mess.

Jillian looks calm, cool and confidant, as usual. Molly looks concerned. And Melissa looks like she knows it’s her. She’s over-analyzing things again.

And here are the roses!

The first rose goes to... Melissa. She heaves a sigh of relief.

Now what?!

The second, and last, rose goes to... Molly!

That racist hates Canadians! That had to sting. Jillian was confidant. So was I! But at least she’s coming home.

She sits down with him and smiles and seems in control, as usual. Where’s the drama?

He says their lives are different, but she disagrees. That was code for she’s Canadian. Goddamn xenophobe!

Now he brings up the point about her wanting to marry her best friend. He says he felt that was the path they were on. She says “at the end of the day” one more time, that when you’re 90 years old, you’re going to want to be with your best friend, and that’s what she’s looking for. He replies, in his quarter-wit way, “Yeah, but it’s got to be your best friend and more.” Uh, duh. Did he really think she was talking about just buddies?

Now she’s opening up. You can see Jason realize he made a mistake, especially when she says, not once but twice, that she’s completely fallen in love with him. The dream about napping with him and Ty was a bit odd, but whatever. She leaves with class, just the way she came in.

Now the soliloquy from the car. Jillian is sniffling. And Jason is looking ill again. Will he call her back? That would be cool. But it won’t happen. He says she was AMAZING but he just wasn’t falling in love with her. Then, as if in tribute to the fallen Canuck, he says, “At the end of the day, there are two women I am falling for.”

***

And now for the highlights of the “most dramatic finale in Bachelor history”. Uh-huh.

Oh, look, DeAnna is going to be on in two weeks. Whatever.

So, what to make of all this? I think he sent dear Jillian packing because he loved her more than Molly, but knew that Melissa was the one for him. So this would make the final rose ceremony much easier... Until DeAnna enters the picture.

Next week, it’s the Women Tell All episode. That’s always fun. And I’ll be able to get my Jillian fix as well as renew my vows with gorgeous Lauren.

Episode six, the hometown visits

Did everyone have a good week? I didn’t get much sleep. I was too excited about the upcoming home visits. Who will have the most embarrassing family? Maybe that’ll be my new poll. I’ll think of something. Meanwhile, my readers have spoken. You predict that bitchy Naomi will be the next one sent packing. Here’s hoping. One of you voted for Vancouver’s own Jillian. That’s just crazy. If anything, she’s too good for that sucky bachelor.

But enough chit-chat. It’s time to fire up the PVR and settle in for a night of awkward hilarity.

Here we go with the endless updates. Yeah, we get it. We watched. Let’s get it going already. If anyone’s tuning in now, they can figure it out on their own. Why punish us diehards for their lack of commitment?

Ooh, tonight Jillian is going to reveal a dark secret. What could it be? Oh, they just told us. I was going to guess that she used to be in porn or something. But it’s just that her mom was diagnosed with depression.

Molly’s family looks boringly normal.

But Naomi’s hometown is, apparently, “the wackiest hometown in Bachelor history.” What does that mean? Daffy Duck is the mayor? Oh, they mean Naomi’s mom is a nut-job. Yes, she is. She’s burying a dead dove. At least she’s better looking than her daughter.

And in Dallas, Melissa’s hometown date “goes horribly wrong”. Her parents aren’t comfortable with the “publicness” of being on TV. That can only mean one thing: they’re even more normal than Molly’s family.

Just when I thought we were getting into this week’s show, it’s nothing more than Jason rehashing each of the four remaining girls. He says that on his first date with Molly she jumped at the chance to stay over with Jason in the tent, “and that’s really cool. She trusted me and I thank her for that.” Hear that, ladies? Sleep with your man on the first date. He’ll respect you.

They just showed Naomi toasting DeAnna. Which reminds me, when is she coming back? They made such a big deal of it early on, but it seemed in the clips they showed, there were lots of women still around. Do you think they just decided to cut all that? Or is it yet to come? I miss her. But mostly I just want to see him dump her after she lays her hort out there.

Melissa’s nails are now the length of the ultimate winner’s nails. So it’s a foregone conclusion. But we’ll keep on watching just because she’s so damn cute.

Speaking of cute, here’s Ty. I know that makes no sense, but I’m sure some people think he’s cute.

Well, that was 12 minutes of a whole lotta nothing, wasn’t it? It’s commercial time.

***

We’re in Kelowna. I don’t quite get it. The show says Jillian is from Peace River, Alberta. Jillian says she’s from Vancouver. But her hometown is Kelowna? Okay. I’ll play along.

Jason runs to Jillian when he gets out of the car the same way he runs to little Ty.

Oh, she’s explaining the Kelowna connection. It makes sense. But this doesn’t: She says there’s a Loch Ness monster in Lake Okanagan. That’s like saying there’s a Lake Okanagan monster in Loch Ness, isn’t it?

They’re drinking wine in front of a fire. They make a handsome couple. She’s telling Jason about her depressed and suicidal mom, who is apparently better now. I wonder if she appreciates being outted like that on international TV.

I wonder if that’s a red flag for Jason. Does depression run in families? I don’t know. But if he thinks it does, maybe he wouldn’t want to be around for it. But he understands it because he’s had some depression in his family, too. So there you go. Like I said, a handsome couple.

Now they arrive at her folks’ place. They’re standing there with a Canadian flag. That’s slightly embarrassing.

Peggy, Jillian’s mom, is giving a toast she’s written. Boy, the people on this series sure love shitty poetry.

She’s not the most spontaneous, that Peggy. After reading the toast, she takes Jason outside and proceeds to read him from a list of questions.

Jillian’s got a nice family. I told you she’s a catch.

Did granny just kiss Jason on the lips? That’s creepier than kissing Ty on the lips.

***

Now we’re in Grand Rapids, Michigan, for a hometown visit with Molly’s clan.

Molly is at the country club in a golf cart. You might recall she’s a bit of a golf phenom having played varsity golf in high school.

Molly has only brought one guy home before Jason, and her dad hated him. She vows never to repeat that mistake.

Molly’s all talk. At least in her golf game. Jason beat her. But she looks good doing it.

Her parents are peering out the window. Her mom looks fun. Her dad, not so much. But he’s warming to Jason, I think, because Jason says he takes Ty to the driving range.

Out comes the hat box. What the hell is that about? Now Maryann, the mom, is getting Jason to draw. What is she, a kindergarten teacher?

Molly’s dad is a firebrand, isn’t he? But I like his advice. He tells his daughter that if she doesn’t make it all the way, whatever she does, don’t get in that limo and start crying. Smile all the way, he tells her.

Molly thinks the drawing Jason did of her (at least the lips part of the drawing) looks “Jokeresque”. I think it could also be described as “Stephanie-esque”.

Maryann thinks Jason is perfect. They were a pretty neat family, too. Tough decisions ahead for our Bachelor buddy.

***

Now it’s time for the wackiest hometown visit in Bachelor history, or so they tell us. Wackier than the time the girl hired actors to fight and hit on the Bachelor? Remember that one? Ah, sweet memories. Naomi’s got a lot to live up to.

We’re in Lake Elsinore, California, to visit Naomi’s family.

Oh good Naomi got to say “impor’ant” again. That’s always good for a laugh.

She is so gone. That greeting was nothing like the others.

Are you buying her assertion that she’s totally ready to have a family and settle down? I’m not. Maybe it’s because she still talks in that teenager upspeak way where every sentence sounds like a question.

Joanne, Naomi’s mom, busts out the hoola hoops. Who owns a dozen hoola hoops?

Her dad, Hector, looks comfortable, doesn’t he?

***

Hey, her dad talks! Oh, yes! He looks like a mafioso, but he’s really a born-again Christian! This is too good. He’s witnessing to Jason. Oh, sweet Jesus, finally something to write about!

He’s talking about Jesus, then asks what Jason’s definition of marriage is. Not sure of that connection, especially considering old Hector is divorced, which I’m pretty sure Jesus didn’t endorse.

Joanne – finally! – rescues Jason from the sermon on the couch. She doesn’t strike me as the born again type, but let’s find out what she’s all about. Ah, she’s more new agey. She has premonitions about things. She also believes in reincarnation. Jason, the pussy, when asked what he thinks of it just says that he believes anything is possible. Joanne thinks Jason was a mom in another life. I buy that.

Jason says goodbye to the family then he and Naomi stand just a few feet from the front door playing tonsil hockey. I’m hoping the born again Hector comes out and beats him with a bible.

Okay, thank God that hometown date is over. It’s time to meet Melissa’s... best friends.

***

Now we’re in Dallas, Texas, to meet Melissa’s family... Not!

Melissa made Ty a tooth fairy box. Thoughtful or manipulative? I give her the benefit of the doubt. She seems real.

Now here’s the news that he’ll be meeting her best friends. Her parents don’t want to take such a big step in front of the cameras because they couldn’t be natural. They sound entirely reasonable. Just as well. Families are over-rated. That is, we choose our friends so they are maybe more reflective of the type of people we are. We don’t choose our family. We get whatever crazies we’re assigned to from birth.

***

He should have kept the Brazilian girl around just so he could get a trip to Rio in on a hometown visit.

Melissa has low self-esteem. I’m with Jason. She seems too good to be true, yet she can’t see why any guy would look at her. Bless her cute little heart.

She is a woman of mystery. Or at least her parents are mysterious. Her friends don’t know them and she doesn’t talk about them. What will Jason think? In her low-self-esteem way, she’s wondering if it’s a deal-breaker for Jason.

So next up is the big decision. It’s gotta be Naomi, doesn’t it, who gets sent home? But who knows what’s going on in that little mind of his?

***

Three roses to give out. One lady goes home.

Jillian looks tired. And short.

The first rose goes to... Molly. She knew that was coming. I think traditionally Jillian has gotten the first rose. I wonder what that means.

Naomi looks like she’s going to be sick. Hey, girlie, it’s only been one rose. Don’t sweat it yet.

The second rose goes to... Jillian! She is cocky. I mean confident.

Naomi is pissed. Mel just looks blank. If it’s between these two, I don’t care if her parents were no-shows, he’s simply got to choose Melissa.

The third and final rose goes to... Melissa! Duh.

Oh my God, Naomi is going to do something rash. This will not end well. She fakes a smile to Jason that says she’s going to bitch-slap him.

Maybe it was those gold strap up the legs shoes she was wearing.

They sit down to talk. He says, “It’s not your family. Don’t even think that.” If she wasn’t thinking that before, she is now.

Poor Naomi. She’s crying in the limo. She thinks she’s better off on her own. She has no idea where she goes from here. See, this is why Molly’s dad made her promise not to blubber if she doesn’t win.

Good-bye, Naomi, and good luck.

Next week they’re going to... New Zealand? Molly and Jason take the plunge and go bungy jumping. And that’s about it, as far as I can tell.

Oh, here we go! Here’s DeAnna. She comes all the way to New Zealand to tell Jason she thinks she made a mistake. Now we’re cooking with gasoline!

That was kind of an uneventful episode, I thought, just because we all knew that Naomi wouldn’t get a rose. But next week, with three keepers in the running, and the addition of DeAnna, oh my, it’s going to be good. Only seven more sleeps!

Week Five

Hello, my invisible readers. Here we are at episode five. What thrills and drama will the handsome bachelor and his many suitors have in store for us this week?

Thanks to all of you who voted in the poll last week. All five of you. No wait, I voted. That’s four. And the old lady voted. She has to. So that leaves three. Whoever you are, I thank you from the bottom of the cockles of my heart. There's a new poll up now so vote again. I can’t believe no one has written a comment yet, though. How weak is that? You can do it anonymously, you know? I’m not asking you to suck up. Have at me, or the girls, or Jason, or his mentally challenged progeny. Just say something.

Okay, bitches, let’s get this puppy rolling. (Hmm, note to self: if you’re begging for comments, best not be calling your rabid readers names.)

I have no idea how long tonight’s episode is. I’m kinda tired and it’s after midnight so I’m hoping it’s not another 2-hour epic. But if so, so be it. I’m here for you. So let’s fire up the PVR and see what’s in store for us this week.

Doh! Two hours. Okay. Whatever. Let’s do it.

Will this be the episode we see DeAnna? They made it up to be a big deal early on but we’ve seen neither hide nor hort of her.

We’re seeing stalker Shannon picking her nose last week. Are you like me in that you’re a little surprised, and a tad disappointed, that Shannon didn’t melt down when she was sent packing? That’s why we watch these shows!

Oh, right, I forgot, gorgeous Lauren is gone. Why am I watching this again?

Tonight the five remaining gals go to Seattle.

Oh, oh, oh!!! It’s going to be the most intense rose ceremony ever! I know because Chris just told us! And he hardly ever says that so it must be true!

Who will get sent home? Let’s recap before we go any further, shall we (even though you’ve all seen the show). The five remaining ladies are Vancouver’s own Jillian, high school golf phenom Molly, bitchy flight attendant Naomi, cute as a button Melissa, and, shockingly, classy widow Stephanie. I love making predictions. I’m assuming one goes home so I’ll say it’s gotta be Stephanie. He can’t keep stringing her along like this when he feels nothing for her. But I’d like to see Naomi get cut loose. It could just be my bias against slutty shoulder tattoos (apologies to anyone reading this who might sport one, but really, what were you thinking?)

The ladies greet Chris in their jammies and robes, looking like hell. Their plane leaves for Seattle very soon.

We just saw little Ty with a woman. I first thought it was Jason’s ex, but that would have been too delicious. Turns out it’s his sister-in-law. How can he have one of those when he’s divorced? [editor's note: oh yeah, could be his brother's wife. Duh.]

Jason says he hasn’t seen Ty for a little over a week. Man, they get shit done in a week, don’t they? It seems like longer than that.

Okay, why does Jason kiss his son on the lips? Call me a prude, but I draw the line at lip kissing your kids.

I’ve kind of made a pledge to myself to lay off on the little guy and not call him the R-word anymore. But, gawd, he’s not helping any.

Will Vancouver’s own Jillian have an upper hand since she must have spent some time in Seattle? I hope so. She’s my new favourite. I see from the poll that she’s not everyone’s favourite, though.

I hope Jillian sticks around just so Jason will get to visit Vancouver (or Peace River) next week.

Melissa gets the first date. She is just so damn cute. Maybe she’s my favourite.

Naomi’s already in bitchy mode over Melissa getting the first 1-on-1 date. But it is fun, I gotta admit, listening to her try to pronounce impor’ant not once but twice.

Jason is telling Ty he’s going to go out tonight and Ty doesn’t insist he stay home. That doesn’t strike me as realistic. But maybe he eventually does, judging by the earlier upcoming highlights.

Aw, see, that’s why I love Jillian. She’s helping Melissa get dressed and said, “You look gorgeous, love.” That’s confidence for you. Either that or she doesn’t care.

Ty is cranky. Quote of the season from Jason: “I don’t think Ty really has much of an idea of what’s going on.” This just in!

Jason asks Ty if he’s a grumpy pants today. Meanwhile he’s thinking, “If those cameras weren’t here, you’d get the biggest beating of your life, you little shit. You’re ruining this for me!”

Ooh, big mistake. Jason asks Ty if it’s okay if he goes “bye-bye”. I mean, not only is it a mistake to talk like an imbecile to a 3-year-old, but if you give him that option, guess what he’s going to choose? Daddy’s staying home.

Jason is spineless. He’s staying home. But I bet in real life he’d just go out. He’s just figuring he’d look like a total asshole if he left his kid again with the cameras rolling. Where’s Mommy when you need her? Oh yeah, he divorced her.

I can’t guage Melissa’s mood. Is she a little disappointed there will be no night on the town? Or is she just happy to chill out? I’m guessing the latter. If it were Naomi, she’d be pissed. But Mel doesn’t seem high maintenance. Stephanie says, “That’s real world.” Old people really are wise. Jillian seems a bit jealous that Mel gets to meet Ty. That Jillian is a catch, I tells ya. Plus she knows that the kid will probably be asleep by 8 then they can get it on.

Oh, now Chris says it’s going to be the most emotional rose ceremony ever. Wow. Intense and emotional! This oughta be good!... Or, chances are, just like all the others.

We’re only 15 minutes in to the show but it seems lots has happened. It’s a good one.

***

Wait a second. Melissa sees a note that says Jason is putting Ty down for bed. So why can’t they go out on the town? This reeks of conspiracy! I think the show’s budget was blown so they’re manipulating the Jason and Ty storyline.

Melissa thinks it was kinda cute seeing a couple of Ty’s toys lying around and half-eaten pizza left out. She should come over to our house. I’d be in her pants in no time.

Gorgeous Lauren really did suck me in, I’m realizing. I couldn’t get over her gorgeousness so I failed to appreciate the full-on cuteness of Melissa. But now I can’t stop thinking how cute Melissa is. Not just physically. Just overall cute in every way.

We’re getting to see a lot more of Ty here, as Jason lies with him and reads him a story. Some people think all little kids are cute. I’m not one of those people. Nuff said.

Well, look at that. Melissa’s nails are growing. So she might, afterall, be that girl he gets down on one knee to. Again.

Jason isn’t ready for any of the girls to meet little Ty yet. But of course, he says, he wants to show him off. What is he thinking? Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode with his friends saying, "You gotta see the bay-bee!"

She’s looking in on him like she’s never seen a human child before, like they have this rare species kept in captivity in the upstairs bedroom.

The girls back at the house are all jealous. They all want to hang out at Jason’s house and be with the kid. All but Stephanie, who knows all too well about shattered dates due to whiny offspring.

Melissa says she’s the black sheep of her family. My God, I can’t imagine how perfect they must be if she’s the black sheep. She says she’s more outgoing and a free spirit. I wonder if they’re all tight-lipped and conservative, gun-totin’ Texans. That always makes for a fun home visit.

They make a cute couple, don’t they? She says she loves the little things. Jason look relieved. (That was a penis joke, by the way.)

Oh! Melissa has a lower back tramp stamp! She is the black sheep, afterall. Jillian moves to the top of my list.

***

Classy widower Stephanie, Vancouver’s own Jillian and high school golfer Molly get the next date.

Yikes. Stephanie went a little overboard on the rouge and lipstick. Maybe she’s compensating for having a penis.

Petulant Naomi is happy she’s getting the 1-on-1 lovin’. And just to show off her shoulder tatt, she’s wearing a saucy little off-the-shoulder number. And she’s gloating. It doesn’t become her.

Jason’s going to show the girls the best of Seattle from a boat. If they’re not comfortable on the cruise, then it’s not the right fit. Or maybe he meant Seattle.

Jason takes the lanky widow for a little chat. Actually, he takes her up to the cockpit (or whatever it’s called on ships) so Stephanie can steer. He’s a crafty one. Keep her busy with little things like that and he won’t get in those awkward situations where she’s expecting something other than a friendly hug.

Oh no, wait a second, in the last episode they actually smooched, didn’t they? I forgot about that. Do you think she got an erection?

Jason’s talking about Stephanie’s daughter and saying how it was one of his favourite memories going on that “date” with the two of them. Stephanie, while steering the vessel, is giving him the googly lovey-dovey eyes. Jason just keeps blabbering away trying his best to avoid it.

***

Jason is on the air, at a Seattle radio station, while Steph, Jill and Moll watch from a soundproof booth. Stephanie is smitten. She says Jason is one good-looking man. And she should know because she used to be one.

Okay, that’s too many jabs at her, um, striking features.

That radio host has a horrible voice. He sounds like Kermit the Frog.

Jillian is tiny next to the other two. Granted, everyone’s a midget next to the, er, statuesque Stephanie.

Who’s the best kisser? Jason says it’s Molly. Naomi and Mel are listening at home. There’s going to be a kissing contest. Hope they don’t slip Ty in there.

Vancouver’s own Jillian goes first. Next up is Stephanie who cheated by holding his hands. Molly goes last so she has to taste Stephanie’s lipstick. Jason goes three for three, identifying each one. Incidentally, that sure makes for good radio, doesn't it?

The radio host just asked what it’s like when the lights go out. As in, in the bedroom. Say what? Molly says she’s definitely a lingerie kinda girl even though it’s a little pointless and it “comes off right away.” Slut.

Jillian likes fun when it comes to sex. Playful, giggling fun.

Stephanie continues to try to suck up, saying that whenever she’s with a man she just wants to make sure he’s completely taken care of, even if she has to kiss every square inch of him. Because that’s exactly what men want in the sack... ?

Molly has the eyes of a cult member. I think she’s been brainwashed.

***

Molly and Jillian are holding hands as they head back to the hotel. That’s kinda hot.

Jason holds his knife and fork like a lowly commoner.

Jason grabs Jillian. He thinks something’s different with her. We haven’t seen that. Or at least I haven’t.

Jillian’s got character. That’s the polite way of saying crow’s feet around the eyes.

Jason asks if her expectations are too high. She’s answering every question like it’s a job interview. I’m not buying it. But I still like her. Who could possibly answer such ridiculous questions with all the lights and cameras around.

He likes her answers and they go in for the kiss. He digs her. Good.

She says she thinks he’d think her family is a “hoot”. She’s making us Canadians look like hicks talking like that. Shucks!

This extended kiss is exactly what’s missing from the times he has with classy widowed Stephanie. Unless the director is just not showing us that aspect to lead us all astray.

Naomi gets her date card. What don’t I like about Naomi? Can anyone help me out? How did she get this far? I hope their date is a disaster. Not that I have it in for her, because I don’t. Just because we need some good drama. And I don't like her.

Stephanie asks Jason how he could tell who kissed him in the kissing test. He says it was easy: different lips, different styles, different people. And Stephanie had stinky breath. I think he said that.

Molly gets stolen away. Here’s a classic exchange:

J: There’s the aquarium.
M: Is it really?

You can’t write that shit, folks. Why would he lie about that?

Molly’s got a cute body and she’s cute in her own way. I don’t dislike her at all, but at best my feelings towards her are neutral.

Molly’s talking about her family. Her folks didn’t approve of her last boyfriend and she said she won’t make that mistake again. So Jason best not blow it around them.

Did he ask everyone about their families except for poor dear Stephanie? What did I tell you? She’s a goner. And now the kiss with Molly, further rubbing it in the face of Stephanie.

***

Jason needs to know if Naomi is ready. Oh, I know, I know! Can I answer?

Da plane, da plane! The sea plane arrives for their date.

Jason thinks Naomi is AMAZING. She’s gorgeous and beautiful and fun. Huh. Go figure.

Stephanie is calling little Sophie and she asks, “Do you miss mommy?” Why can’t parents use pronouns?

Stephanie says Jason needs someone who’s “mature”. Sure, but he doesn’t need a cougar.

This is the first I’ve heard classy Stephanie bad-mouth another competitor. She doesn’t think Naomi is a good match for Jason. She’s right, of course, but it’s just weird hearing it from her. She usually stays above the fray.

Meanwhile back on the date, Naomi and Jason are climbing a wall. Climbing the wall is everything Naomi wanted in the date. Really. Oh nice, now she’s hanging from the cliff and spreading her legs for the camera.

They’re talking on top of the wall. Blah. Maybe it’s Naomi’s protruding jaw that I don’t like. She looks like Stan Laurel. With a shoulder tattoo.

***

Jason needs to find out a lot more about Naomi and her family. Ooh, get this, she’s been "independent" of her parents. Translation: bitchy towards them. I never would have guessed.

She could totally see herself happy just cooking at home. Not all that surprising considering she’s just a waitress in the sky now.

Back at the hotel, cutey-pie Melissa and Vancouver’s own Jillian are taking a bath together. That Jillian likes the ladies, doesn’t she? First holding hands with Molly; now bathing with Mel. Me likes.

They’re all talking about something but I can't hear a thing. I'm mesmerized by Melissa’s delightful cleavage in the bath.

Back on the date, Naomi and Jason are lounging on the floor. Yech.

But on the upcoming highlights, they show Naomi crying. Could this mean she’s gone? That would be too good to be true. Besides, if they show her crying, obviously they’re trying to mislead us.

***

Jason shows up at the hotel. He didn’t get a lot of sleep last night. He comes to take Jillian away. He doesn’t want his heart broken. Not again. He needs to make sure she’s there for him.

Jason says Jillian seems so strong all the time. But Jillian is getting a little teary-eyed now to drive the point home that she has human emotions. He thinks she’s unbelievable. So do I. I bet she’s a finalist. It would be a good thing if it were down to Jillian and Melissa.

Now they’re necking in a coffee shop. If I were there, I’d say something. Probably something original and witty like, “Get a room.”

***

Jason’s feeling the pressure knowing he has to let one of them go. He says he never saw tonight coming. He’s rehashing the week with Chris. Because, you know, Chris probably wasn’t paying attention. He just comes in and gets debriefed on the air. Slack-ass.

Concerns with Melissa: He’s waiting for something. Is she too good to be true? That’s quite a problem. Toss her.

I’m kidding! She’s totally cute!

***

We’re into the home stretch. Please let there be blubbering.

Chris tells the girls Jason is really struggling with his decision. It would have been hilarious if he had said, “I just talked with Jason back at his house. He said the decision was the easiest one he’s had to make.”

And here’s the man of the hour. I love how he phrases this: “I have to figure out which four of your homes I want to visit.” Hmm, let’s see, do I want to go to Texas? Canada seems kind of exotic. How about Michigan? I’ve never been there before!

Jason needs to talk to Naomi. What could that mean? He just wants stuff reinforced. Molly nailed it. She said, “Anyone he pulls out to go and talk to isn’t going to be somebody he sends home.” Bingo. That’s exactly what I thought. Molly thinks it’s her that's going roseless. Hmm. I wouldn’t think so, but maybe Jason thinks she’s too young.

Nah, it’s gotta be Naomi. Please.

Naomi says she’s absolutely ready to have a family and is over the single lifestyle. Jason’s bullshit detector must need new batteries. I think he bought that.

That was all for show and nothing more. What on earth did he think she was going to say? Gimme a break.

The first rose goes to... Jillian!!! Yay! And Naomi is already looking bitchy and pissed off, despite that almost assurance she just got. Although that could just be her regular bitchy look. It’s hard to tell with her.

Melissa is biting that cute lower lip of hers.

Second rose goes to... Melissa!! With my two faves still in the running, I can watch for another week.

Was Molly right?

Third rose goes to... Molly! Good. She’s growing on me.

Fourth and final rose? At least it’s between the two I hoped would go home. Stephanie has the most evil or sullen look I’ve ever seen her sport.

Last rose goes to... Naomi and her slutty tattoo.

Poor sweet Stephanie. I’m tearing up. I think he went a little far saying she’s a beautiful person outside and in. He’s half right. I really hope she finds love. I’m sure she will.

So was this the most emotional and intense rose ceremony ever? I don’t know. Who can remember. But it wasn’t all that intense.

God, that Stephanie is all class. Good-night sweet Stephanie. Note to producers: Please, please, please do not, under any circumstances, bring Stephanie back to be the next Bachelorette. She deserves better than that. Yeah, that's it.

Next week it’s the home visits. Judging from the highlights, they all look like disasters. And that can only mean one thing – awesomeness!

In the fun reel at the very end, Jillian completed her lesbian hat-trick by slurping the same piece of spaghetti with Naomi.

That’s it, folks. What did we learn this week? We learned that Jillian could go either way. We learned that Jason’s spineless. We learned that Melissa is possibly too good to be true. We learned that Naomi bears a striking resemblance to Stan Laurel. And we learned that true southern belles still exist. All in all, a good week.