Week Three: Jake takes a stand

Now where were we?

Ah yes, when we last left you, Wrong Reason Rozlyn left us prematurely, presumably for having an “inappropriate relationship” with a member of The Bachelor crew. I haven’t read any spoilers, but I did happen upon a headline about the sitchy-ation and skimmed it enough to learn that Roz denies she did anything wrong. Or something like that. It did strike me that the whole thing is a tad hypocritical given the series itself is based on a Bachelor/ette making out with multiple dates before ultimately choosing one. We can even surmise that sex is involved on many an overnight date (except for, inexplicably, sweet virginal Jillian). So is it really all that shocking that Rozlyn had a little thing with some dude? I did notice in the article I skimmed that hot Rozlyn has a criminal record. Nice. Maybe they found that out and a producer took one for the Bachelor team by engaging her in some hanky-panky so they’d have a reason to toss her. I love me a good conspiracy theory!

And if the upcoming highlights are any indication (and they usually aren’t), someone else is going home prematurely tonight. I think I predicted Elizabeth the Nanny, but we’ll see.

Looking at last week’s poll, I see we have surpassed last week’s numbers, shooting all the way up to 33 votes. Front Runner Ali is still living up to her moniker, leading the way with a whopping 24 votes. Dumb Divorced Tenley continues to surprise in second place with 4 votes, Unbalanced Michelle gets 2 (okay, one of them belongs to me), and Spoiled Vienna, Gia Pet and Ella Belle each with 1. Let’s see if we can get more votes each week. I really appreciate the comments, too. Good stuff there.

You know my wife is under strict guidelines not to reveal anything to me upon my return from my weekly basketball game. And she hasn’t. But tonight she smiled and said she wished she could stay up and watch it again with me, so it must be a good one. Can’t wait. Here we go:


SEGMENT 1: The date card. Spoiled Vienna gets a one-on-one date, meaning she’s probably going home. He can’t possibly give a rose to her. I don’t see them as a match. But then again, Jake has no clue what he’s looking for so maybe she’ll stay. The date clue is, “Let’s fall head over heels together.” Hmm... what could it be? Gymnastics? Sixty-nine? I have no idea.

Unbalanced Michelle says she sees herself as very attractive. For once, she’s right about something. She is. But there was a quick undecipherable edit there when she follows it by saying Vienna is the opposite of her. The implication being she thinks Vienna is ugly. But I seriously doubt she said that or meant it.

Front Runner Ali is starting to show a chip in her armour. Now she’s spouting off like a crazy person that her date with Jake was so special it’s strange to see him going out on another one-on-one. I think she channelled her inner Michelle. She should stick to taking the high road if she wants to remain number one in our weekly poll.

Hold the phone, people! They sent a helicopter for Vienna and Jake! Man, this show continues to break new ground. I don’t know how they do it. Vienna is gobsmacked, too. When she sees it approaching, she asks if it’s for them. That’s a perfectly reasonable question because who would ever have seen that coming?

They fly over the mansion and I get a glimpse of Unbalanced Michelle’s lower back. She’s got a tramp stamp! Yes! Psychotic and has made bad choices she’ll regret ten years from now. It doesn’t get any better than this!

The helicopter descends to a secluded bridge in a canyon where the couple will bungee jump to their deaths. At least that’s how they both seem to feel. She’s afraid of heights... and so is the pilot! That’s encouraging. Remind me not to fly with him. But if he is freaked out, why this date? Did they foist it upon him?

Sitting on the edge of the bridge, Jake says he doesn’t think he can do this. Oh, what drama! Will he or won’t--. Oh yeah, they’ve already shown the bungee jump clip a few times in the upcoming highlights in past weeks. Way to sabotage your own program, producers.

Hanging upside down after the jump, Jake kissed Vienna. There goes my prediction. I guess she’ll be getting a rose.

SEGMENT 2: The couple enjoy a big-ass glass of white wine and reminisce about their crazy jump. Is it me or does Jake sound totally awkward? He can’t possibly be this stiff in real life, can he? At some point, people on this show loosen up and forget they’re surrounded by cameras and crew for 20 hours a day. This is season two for Jake and he still won’t let his guard down.

Jake tells Spoiled Vienna that he’s looking for a wife that’s nurturing. And he’s fooled into thinking Vienna has a nurturing side. But silly Jake, Vienna probably pays people to nurture for her. He thinks she’s “absolutely here for the right reasons.” He would know. I think his track record speaks for itself.

As they switch to red wine, Jake wants to make sure she’s at a place in her life where she can handle a relationship. Come on, Jake. The woman has a four-month marriage under her belt when she was 18. She’s 23 now. She can handle anything. He tells Vienna he’s looking for his best friend “in the whole world” (I love it when grown-ups talk like six-year-olds).

Back at the house, the group date card arrives. The lucky winners are Classy Corrie, Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny (I just added the ‘nutso’ part -- hope you like it), Front Runner Ali, Dumb Divorced Tenley, Ashleigh Diaz, Crazy Canuck Jessie, Kathryn the Faker, and Unbalanced Michelle. Woo-hoo! We got some big-time cuckoo action coming up. Sweet. The clue: “Love is no laughing matter... or is it?” Hmm, I wonder if this has anything to do with the Jon Lovitz teaser we saw earlier. (Thanks again, producers, for nothin’.)

Unbalanced Michelle’s voice quivers as she tells us she really wanted a one-on-one date so she could get to know Jake better.

The girls seem to have a hate-on for Spoiled Vienna. So now, of course, I’m really hoping she gets that rose.

The wine is finally hitting Jake as they hit the hot tub. As Vienna sits there in a sexy green bikini, Jake lets loose with, “Thank you for helping me off that bridge.” Oh, Jake, you charmer! Then, as Vienna is giving him the do-me look, he gets up to retrieve the rose. And she gets it! Look out, mansion. Things are just heating up.

The triumphant Vienna comes home and excitedly tells the girls all about her date. The looks on all their faces is priceless. Ashleigh Diaz says she would rather watch paint dry than listen to Vienna go on about her date. Front Runner Ali says she’s “shooken” up, further decreasing her front runner status. She’s shocked that Vienna came home.

SEGMENT 3: Jake takes the eight to the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club. For those who don’t know, Lovitz was a hilarious member of the cast of Saturday Night Live and has since gone on to a fledgling career as a very average stand-up comedian. After just a few years into the game, he’s opened up his own comedy club. That’s what being famous gets you. There are a million better stand-up comics than Lovitz, but they’re not known.

More priceless looks from the women as Jake informs them they’re about to meet... Jon Lovitz! Whooooo!!! Safe to say, that’s probably the first time in his life he’s ever had that reaction. Don’t get me wrong, I really like Lovitz as a comic actor. He makes me laugh just listening to him. But as a stand-up comic... not so much.

Turns out the ladies will be performing on this date. Performing comedy, that is. Intentional comedy. Or trying to. I’ve judged a few stand-up competitions in my day and write about the art form, so you can imagine how excited I am at seeing eight first-timers getting national exposure when there are super talented comics out there who will never be known to the masses. Still, I love a woman with a sense of humour, so this might seriously change the way I look at them. My pencil is sharpened. I’m ready to laugh. Bring it on.

But first, there’s another card. A one-on-one date awaits one lucky lady. Vienna announces that Ella Belle gets her wish. “Let’s lift off to another world,” the card says. What could that mean? Another plane ride? Helicopter trip? A rocket to the moon?

Back at the club, Ashleigh Diaz starts crying. She describes herself as “the calm collective [sic] girl”. Sigh. Anyway, Jake offers her a joke she can use in her set. Ooh, I can’t imagine how hilarious it will be! That Jake is renowned for his sense of the ha-ha. But Ashleigh is a mess. That’s a sign. High maintenance.

Turns out the girls have to perform for a real crowd. Full of old people in Hawaiian shirts, yet! This is going to be gold.

SEGMENT 4: Lovitz opens the show. Did I tell you he was extremely average? (Full disclosure. I’ve interviewed him twice and if you really want to, you can read one of them here.)

Ali takes the bullet (comedy parlance for going up first). She does a toilet joke followed by gales of laughter. Bad joke, bad delivery. Next!

I think Crazy Canuck Jessie was next, and she actually looked good. I’m not sure I got her joke about her family starring in a sequel to My Big Fat Greek Wedding called They’re So Fat I Can’t Even Tell They’re Greek, but I liked her delivery and confidence on stage. Then again, we all know Canadians are just naturally funny.

Dumb Divorced Tenley gets all Victoria Jackson with a physical bit, lying on the floor with her ankles over her head. She won’t win points in the comedy competition but no doubt Jake sat up and took notice.

Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny also had great stage presence, but I couldn’t make out what she said. Something about a big dick. She knows that dick jokes are a sure-fire route to success in comedy clubs. Then she gets bleeped again. Jake is amazed that she went from no kissing to totally raunchy. “Wow, who is this girl?” he asked. He actually bought her as a spiritual prude.

Kathryn is comfortable on stage, but has no material. She brings Jake down to kiss him. The punchline being that she has no punchline; she just wanted to see how his lips tasted. No punchline? She’s got a future in alternative comedy. Michelle shoots daggers at Kathryn's schtick. Then tells us that when she finally kisses Jake, they’re going to go at it like animals. French animals, apparently.

It’s Unbalanced Michelle’s turn. Great delivery from her, too. But what the hell is she talking about? "Did you notice the palm trees? There’s no coconuts on them. I wonder where they are!” Silence. Tap, tap. Is this mic on? C’mon, folks, I know you’re out there, I can hear you breathing! What is this, an audience or an oil painting?... Then a “joke” about golf. She’s just waiting for that “hole to get her one-on-one.” The audience groans, but what does the joke even mean? Yes, I get the double-entendre, but she’s waiting for it? As Ali says, “she just seems a little off.”

Ashleigh gets cold feet and refuses to go on. So they go to Classy Corrie. She does impressions of the girls in the house. Yes! Showing some originality and some spirit. Her impersonation of Tenley makes me not feel so bad for saddling her with the nickname Dumb Divorced Tenley. Corrie plays her like a total airhead. Then she does a cute little Kathryn impression, getting bleeped every other word followed by a perfect Spoiled rich girl Vienna, saying, “I love walking around topless. I love showing my boobs off.” Really? And we can’t even see pixilated proof of that? Didn’t some dude on Survivor spend a whole season naked? Anyway, Jake looks stunned at that bit of information. Maybe that rose was premature. Corrie continues with the Vienna bashing and the other girls are eating it up. It’s a wake-up call for Jake. Well played, Classy Corrie, well played. You don’t have to go to Jake privately and express your concerns over girls there for the wrong reasons now. You found a way to achieve the same results as part of the show. Brava!

Now Ashleigh Diaz needs to follow that bravura performance. She should have come on when she was first called. She recited a series of unoriginal blonde jokes, followed by her own laughs. Thumbs down. But Jake gives her the sympathy hug telling her how great she did. Knowing Jake’s sense of humour, I don’t doubt he believes it.

Based on what we saw, the clear-cut winner is Classy Corrie. Maybe not the classiest of performances, but the best one. And she’s gone up a notch in my books.

SEGMENT 5: At the wrap party, Dumb Divorced Tenley sits Jake down to tell him about her past. Here we go. She thinks it’s totally unfair that she has to tell a man that she could possibly be with forever about this. She’s choking up and Jake looks like he’s not ready to hear what she has to say. Here it is: She was married (this just in, Dumb Divorced Tenley! 'Divorced' actually implies marriage at some point), her husband had an affair and he left her. And he was the only man she’s been with. And not only that but... oh, that’s it. Pretty uneventful. They smooch hard.

Ashleigh chooses to spend her precious time with Jake telling him that the girls were livid about Vienna coming back into the house. And sure enough, back at the house, the rest of the girls are giving it to Vienna. Vienna strikes back by calling Gia Pet fake. She doesn’t explicitly mention the collagen or plastic surgery, but that’s gotta be what she means, right? Gia now thinks Vienna is dangerous. Vienna writes a letter to Jake up in her room. Will she be the one to go?

Now soon-to-be former Front Runner Ali tells Jake her feelings on Lightning Rod Vienna (aka Spoiled Vienna). He’s gotta be experiencing a lot of self-doubt. He got it completely wrong with Wrong Reason Rozlyn and now he’s failed to see Spoiled Vienna for who she apparently is. No wonder he’s still single.

SEGMENT 6: Unbalanced Michelle is lashing out at her critics. To be fair, Front Runner Ali wasn’t really criticising her, but that’s how Michelle took it. You don’t get that nickname by being reasonable. She keeps repeating that she’s there to find love and get married. Also, her mom wants grandchildren. Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny says Michelle doesn’t need a husband; she needs a therapist. Meow!

Jake tells Michelle it’s been a rough night for him and instead of being nurturing and asking why and feigning interest, she turns it back on herself. “I really, really, really want a husband,” she tells him. If I were a guy (come to think of it, I am), I’d run in the opposite direction if I heard that. And I’m married! It just reeks of desperation. When I hear something like that, I hear, “I really, really, really want any husband. Doesn’t matter who. I just need a husband. You’ll do.” She says she can’t continue this process without knowing if he’s feeling the same way she does. So maybe she’s the one to go because how can he promise that? Nobody in their right mind feels the way she does. If she weren’t so beautifully off her rocker, I’d want her sent packing.

Now she says, “Would it be awkward if I asked if I could kiss you to see if I really feel something? For me?” What guy could refuse a come on like that?! Bring it on! And make sure there’s plenty of tongue, big fella! Jake shrugs and goes in for a lip lock. It’s a total head kiss. That is, he went in with just his head. Then he backed away with a big grin. “You gotta give me something more than that!” she said. “Are you kidding? That was nothing.” Oh yeah, she’d be a breeze to live with. It’s time to make babies and make her momma happy!

But Jake is a beaten man. He tells her he’s just ready for this night to be over. He needs to go home and digest. Digest? I think that means he needs to go poo.

But it’s back to Michelle. It’s all about her, right? She tells him she can’t stay, even though she’d like to. To spend that time with him and not be able to kiss him (the way she wants to kiss him) really hurts her. I think it’s a cry for attention. She wants him to beg her to stay. And sure enough, now she’s saying if he wants her to stay, she’ll stay. He says he thinks it would be better if she did leave, which flabbergasts her. Oops, wrong line of attack U.M. She says she can’t believe he’s doing it! Priceless! Now she’s playing victim! “He kicked me to the curb. I had no clue.” It couldn’t have been because you threatened to leave twice, could it? Nah.

So Unbalanced Michelle is gone. And I’m torn. I thought she was the best looking girl left. And oh what fun we could have had with the unhinged one still around. But it’s for the best. There’s always Vienna for needless drama.

Jake is breaking all the rules! He doesn’t break the rules; he makes the rules, baby! Not only did he turf Michelle, but he ain’t giving out no rose. Suck on that. You heard da man. This date is over, biatches.

SEGMENT 7: The one-on-one with Ella Belle. Maybe I should have called her Boring Ella. But we’ll see.

Jake wants to do something special for Ella because it was her birthday the other day. You’ll never guess what he arranged! A helicopter! Ella said, “I never imagined in a million years that a helicopter was gonna come pick us up.” I know! I can’t believe the producers procured a freakin' helicopter for the show, either! They spare no expense. I am constantly blown away at their creativity. That’s why we watch, right?!

At the house, Vienna apologizes to the girls for the way she acted. I think. But she knows they’re all just jealous and she has the closest relationship with Jake. Front Runner Ali doesn’t accept the apology and let’s her know it. Bring on the waterworks from Vienna. This fake apology isn't going nearly as well as planned when she wrote it out on her bed.

Jake and Ella go to Sea World. The biggest surprise is yet to come, he says. What, are they going to bring her son here? Could it be, Bachelor? Outdoing yourself yet again... Oh look, they did it! It’s little Ethan. Who’d a thunk it?! Ella had no idea. It’s clear she’s never once seen an episode of The Bachelor in her life. Had no idea about the helicopter and had no idea about the surprise visit from her son. Stephanie is sitting home (alone, probably) right now with her mascara running down her cheeks. She might be the only one.

But I gotta admit, I like Ella more now. She’s still boring, but boring is under-rated.

SEGMENT 8: How many changes of clothing did they bring on this trip to Sea World? At one moment she’s wearing a short blue skirt with cowboy boots, then we see her in ripped jeans and an orange off-the-shoulder shirt. That's a good rule of thumb, girls. When going on a first date, always bring an extra outfit.

Little Ethan loves aviation. He’s memorized everything his mom drilled him on. It may just pay off. Sure enough, Ella gets the rose. Jake even seems the most natural he’s been in two seasons. Maybe she’s the one for him.

SEGMENT 9: The third rose ceremony is coming up after the requisite cocktail party. Two women go home.

Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny asks Jake if he’s good at back rubs. Run, Jake, run! As far away and as fast as you can! Jake is cluing into her game. He calls her the queen of mixed signals. He’s not supposed to kiss her but physically she’s all over him. Her explanation is that she has a jealous side. RUN, I tell you, RUN! Jake is telling her not to tease him. They get into it a bit but are interrupted by Spoiled Vienna, who already has a rose. I’m glad I added the Nutso to her nickname, because Elizabeth goes back to the other girls and gives her side of what happened: “He wanted me to kiss him...” Really, Elizabeth? You know those cameras following you around all day actually have film in them.

Now Vienna is telling Jake she doesn’t think she’s a bad person; she’s just honest. She is totally mustering up all the cute and charming she possibly can. That’s good enough for gormless Jake.

Elizabeth is the new Michelle. She says she can get a date any day of the week, but she’s there to find love. And she doesn’t understand why he’s pressuring her to kiss him. Huh? Did I miss something? Unless it was lost in the editing, he did no such thing. If she thinks he did, she’s delusional. Or, if you will, Nutso. And I think you will.

The girls are all pissed that Vienna, with a rose, is taking one-on-one time away from those who don’t have a rose. On this, I gotta side with the selfish one. Since time immemorial girls have been interrupting girls, guys have been interrupting guys. It’s the way the show works. And the way everyone went to Jake to dump on her, it’s only natural that she’d want to go and talk to him personally.

Nutso Elizabeth is back with Jake now. And he needs to remember that she is choosing him, not vice versa. Snap! She’s really egging him on to kiss her and he’s not biting. Good for him. She’s got to be as good as gone. Talk about in it for the wrong reasons. Then again, Jake isn’t exactly batting 1.000 in culling the herd.

SEGMENT 10: Jake isn’t 100 percent sure who he’s going to send home. Vienna and Ella already have roses. Here are the rest, in order:

3. Gia Pet. Her lips almost moved when she accepted.
4. Classy Corrie. Humour wins out.
5. Dumb Divorced Tenley.
6. Front Runner Ali.
7. Crazy Canuck Jessie. Remember her?
8. Kathryn the Faker.
9. Ashleigh Diaz.

So long Elizabeth the Nutso Nanny and Dirty Valishia, the single homemaker, who got absolutely no screen time this week. Poor Valishia. She says she’s used to things not going her way, and can’t hold back the tears. It's tough being a homemaker without a husband or family. Elizabeth says, “I shoulda kissed you.” Uh, yeah. The lesson here is don’t play games.















Next week: Jake walks away from the final two roses and asks Chris if he has to give them out. Thanks for the spoiler, ABC. Well done. Then we see him throwing one in a bonfire. Oh, the humanity!

Well, that’s it. We’ll see you back here in a week. Add your comments below. I always like hearing what everyone else is thinking.

Week Two: Someone's there for the wrong reasons...

Okay, let’s do this, Bacheloristas. I’m back from basketball. The PVR is ready and waiting. Had some leftover lasagna and a beer and I’m sleepy. But my public awaits! Thanks, by the way, for the comments. If it weren’t for the four I got, I’d probably wait a day or two to do this. Keep the comments coming. Let’s all band together and share our thoughts on the train wreck that is our favourite reality TV series.

Anonymous from California asked who my top five were. I had to really dig deep to come up with five. And they are 1. Front Runner Ali, 2. Classy Corrie, 3. Unbalanced Michelle, 4. Professor Ashley, and 5. Elizabeth the Nanny. These could change from week to week. Sara from New Hampshire asked why I had Unbalanced Michelle in the mix. It was a tough call, Sara, but I went with her for a few of reasons: She’s really quite fetching, craziness aside. And I’m hoping that she’s the victim of the bad edit that befalls one contestant a season (and that’s what they are, right? Contestants). She can’t really be that nutso, can she? I guess we’ll find out. And finally, everyone else sucks.

The poll received 27 votes. The winner in a landslide as your favourite was Front Runner Ali, with 13 votes. But there's some love out there for Dumb Divorced Tenley, who was second with 7 votes. Elizabeth the Nanny had 2 votes, while Gia Pet, Professor Ashley, Wrong Reason Rozlyn, Classy Corrie and Unbalanced Michelle each received 1 vote. If you didn't hear your favourite's name, that's because they got a goose-egg. If you love them so much, vote for 'em! This week, we'll discard the detritus and post a new poll. Make sure you vote.

Jennhudson asked if I avoid spoilers. You know what? I haven’t in the past, but I didn’t actively seek them out. Well, I guess I did, but only because I was bored and I cared so much for the best Bachelorette in history, Jillian. This time around? I don’t think I’m going to. The word itself says it all: it spoils the show. Why would I want to do that? Don’t you hate finding out the score of the game you’re about to watch ahead of time? Why would I try to hunt for info before seeing the show? My wife is on strict orders not to mention a thing to me when I get home. I want to see it fresh and unfettered, just the way the editors intended. It’s bad enough we have to endure endless upcoming highlights that reveal too much.

Okay, enough chit-chat. It’s showtime!

SEGMENT 1: Chris gathers the girls and explains how the dates work. I’m glad he straightened that out. I’ve never been 100 percent clear on the whole rose thing.

First date card: Gia Pet, Wrong Reason Rozlyn, Dirty Valishia, Classy Corrie (still looking totally classy, btw), Bitchy Christina and Asheigh Diaz. (For explanations on the nicknames, see last week’s post.) These ladies are giddy with excitement over this group date. They don’t even know what they’ll be doing. But Jake (or, more likely, the producer or writer) wrote “A picture is worth a thousand words”, which was met with squeals of delight. Ooh, what could it mean?! Well, thanks to the stupid upcoming highlights, we know it’s a photo shoot.

Unbalanced Michelle said she’d have liked to have been included, but she kept a stiff upper lip. Deep breath, Michelle, deep breath.

Bitchy Christina has no idea what the date is all about (I know, that sure was a cryptic clue!), but she’s sure it’ll be the best first date with her future husband... and five of his girlfriends. It’s a fairybook tale, ain’t it?

Jake thinks he’s turned a corner. No more nice guys finish last. This 31-year-old loser is finally going to get a girlfriend! He walks in with his shirt unbuttoned like it’s 1977. Some of the girls are sitting around in their panties. Or maybe it’s bathing suit bottoms. Either way, it’s odd attire for the living room.

Wrong Reason Rozlyn, the model, is showing off the ladies, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.

Jake introduces the women to his good friend, Hal, who enters laughing, probably at the thought that Jake considers him a friend. Turns out Hal is the fashion director for InStyle magazine. And, amazingly enough, he’s also flambouyantly gay. Go figure.

Christina’s not a happy camper. She’s up against two professional models in Wrong Reason Rozlyn and Gia Pet (a swimsuit model) with a face made to order. Literally.

Rozlyn knows what she’s doing... that is, if she usually poses for Beaver magazine. She lifts her leg next to Jake and something gets pixilated. It’s probably not what they want us to think it is. It’s just her cha-cha, apparently, according to Bitchy Christina. There, I told you. She must have been wearing underpants with maracas on them. No matter, we’ve learned that Bitchy Christina is the house comedian. The producers will go to her for the catty comments.

She’s really uncomfortable, which is just setting her up for the rose, we can all agree. But I don’t see why they had to dress her in a frock just because she wasn’t a professional model.

SEGMENT 2: The wrap-party. Holy crap! Asheigh Diaz just interrupts Jake and Gia Pet wearing a skimpy bikini. Jake strips down to his bathing suit, which were more like bathing pants. I hope women never go the baggy shorts route. Do you women actually like that? Don’t you like to see more of the guy just as us guys like to see more of you?

The two of them get in the pool and you’ll never believe it but there happens to be a camera under the water. I know! We see Ashleigh Diaz doing the Harris wrap-around to Jake. Doesn’t last long, though, because all the others show up in their teeny-weenie bikinis. I want to make it clear this isn’t why I watch The Bachelor. Nor is it the reason why I pause the PVR and rewind over and over again. I just need the details for the blog. That’s all.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, another envelope arrives to the usual hoots and hollers. The lucky girl who gets to go on the one-on-one date gets to wear... wait for it... an expensive necklace! Boy, the producers really went all out during the off-season to change things up. Still, the ladies are excited as all get out even though there was no name with the card. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Unbalanced Michelle tried it on in the hopes that was the secret to landing the date. (I really like her look, I’ll give her that.)

Man, Christina is getting a lot of face time. Is she the one who entered into an inappropriate relationship with a crew member? Why else would she get so much more airtime than anyone else? Or maybe she just bribed them with jellybeans. It also helps that they plied her with alcohol. Alcohol + a chick with a mouth = great television.

Wrong Reason Rozlyn interrupts Chrissy and Jake. Man, she (Rozlyn) is a knockout. I hope she lasts long enough that Playboy offers her large sums of money to pose nude. (I know, I’m a sexist pig. And I know women make up a large percentage of my readership. But let’s face it, if she were in Playboy, you’d check it out, too.)

Hey, I just noticed it says Rozlyn is a model and a make-up artist. What a talented girl! Was that always there? It’s like Gia Pet is a model/hair salon owner. If you’re a decent model, doesn’t that take up pretty much all of your time? Posing for your boyfriend doesn’t make you a model.

Rozlyn shuts Jake up with a major-league kiss. Will that loosen up the tense Jake? We’ll see. She said it was perfect. He said he’s never dated a girl like Rozlyn before. We’ll put that down under the “Well, duh!” category. He says he’s out of his comfort zone with her. Yeah, boobies will do that to a guy. And guess who gets the rose?! I won’t torture you any longer. It was Rozlyn, who immediately gets all mushy talking about the sense of accomplishment, her competitiveness, and her strategy for the rest of the date.

SEGMENT 3: Who will get the one-on-one? Michelle reads the card. The lucky winner is Front Runner Ali, who gets to go flying with Jake. She sheds tears of joy, saying she’s the luckiest girl in the world.

I’m not sure if she’s still the Front Runner, but she’s lovely. What’s not to like? They ride off on his motorbike and pull up at the airport. Oh, right, she’s the one afraid of flying. Nice, Jake. I guess this will be a true test. And if she fails, she’s going home.

She’s like me. She doesn’t like flying in a commercial jet, let alone in a two-seater. I empathize. He says he’s just going to do a “real quick pre-flight” check of the airplane. That’s two words I don’t want to hear from my pilot: real quick. Take your time, Jake. Make sure it’s right. He wants to show her how calm and free flying is. If that means he stalls the engine, he’s a jerk. She actually was okay with the experience. Meanwhile, I’m getting jitters just watching.

SEGMENT 4: The plane lands in Palm Springs and they drive off in a vintage convertable. They drive onto a field and eventually find their way over to their dinner table, with the rose sitting by. Front Runner Ali lists off her former boyfriends: Jim, Jason, Jared, and Jordan. Hmm. She thinks that’s a good sign. It tells me that she can’t keep a relationship with guys whose name starts with J.

A new card arrives back home. The last date before the rose ceremony will include Elizabeth the Nanny, her fake boobs, Crazy Canuck Jessie, Kathryn the Faker, Professor Ashley and Spoiled Vienna. All seven of them. The clue?: “Love has its ups and downs.”

That leaves Unbalanced Michelle (who’s not ordinary like the other women, she says), Ella Belle and Dumb Divorced Tenley out in the cold. Michelle says, “Jake showed me that he didn’t want to be with me. So tough for him.”

Back on the date with Front Runner Ali, and she gets the rose. He sees that she’s a beautiful person inside. They smooch. But the biggest surprise is saved for last. You’ll never believe it but a private concert by a B-list band is next! (Okay, okay, the band is Chicago and I actually like them, but that shows my age and they aren’t exactly topping the charts these days, although on the casino circuit they’re da bomb.) Once again, the producers have outdone themselves with originality.

SEGMENT 5: The group date. They get free run of Six Flags amusement park. Ergo love having its ups and downs. Get it? Roller coaster? Hello?

Unbalanced Michelle, back at the house, is living up to her name and packing her bags and crying. Oh, she’s a handful that one. She’d be a disaster in a relationship. Still, though, I have a bit of a soft spot for her. Or maybe I just like good television.

Elizabeth the Nanny is playing games. A jock, she’s in it to win it. She might. Guys love nannies. Ask Robin Williams. She reads him a note scribbled in tiny writing the Unabomber would envy. What the hell? But it just might work. It’s about as natural sounding as Jake in his day-to-day conversations so he might buy it. She and her fake boobs tell him not to even think of kissing her unless he’s decided he wants to spend the rest of her life with her and her fake boobs. She’s pulling the Wes card. Jake respects her old-fashioned values. But I suspect them. She’s just telling him what she thinks he wants to hear.

SEGMENT 6: Back at Magic Mountain Jake isn’t sure who to give the rose to. I don’t blame him with this group.

Spoiled Vienna sits Jake down to tell him a secret. Let me guess: She’s got a kid.

Nope. She was engaged to her pastor’s son. She wasn’t ready, broke it off, and within a month he got married and was expecting a child. So as revenge, she eloped with some guy at the age of 18. The happy union lasted four months. She’s tearing up telling him all this when Professor Ashley enters with drinks.

The Prof seems decent enough, but she laughs like Burt Lancaster (I’m not that old, but I’m old enough to remember Rich Little doing impressions of him). And she was cute when saying she gave Jake the look but didn’t receive a kiss. “How could he not want to kiss me?!” she said.

He gives the rose to someone who really opened up. That’d be Elizabeth the Nanny. So we know how to get to Jake: Be smoking hot and super aggressive. Worked for Rozlyn, and now Elizabeth. Coincidentally, two gals who probably aren’t the right fit for straight-ahead Jake. But he’s too dumb to know it.

She admits to playing hard-to-get because “that’s what I deserve”. Now she’s taunting him, saying she’s a really good kisser and totally asking for it. To his credit, he doesn’t succumb. And he had a look like he was starting to figure out that it’s not her ethics and morals that made her forbid kissing, but her gamesmanship. The fireworks come just in time.

SEGMENT 7: It’s cocktail party time. And look who’s there! It’s Unbalanced Michelle! She stuck around. Yay!

Spoiled Vienna is the first this season to bring up “the wrong reasons”. She’ll be the one – there’s one every season – who feels it’s best to let the subject of their dreams in on the fact that someone is there for... the wrong reasons!

The teases (I’m talking about the upcoming highlights, not Rozlyn and Elizabeth) tell us that someone got it on with a member of the production crew. I have no idea who it is. But I’ve paused the PVR and will now make a prediction. My guess is it can’t be someone who’s been invisible this week, so that leaves out Tenley, Ella, Jessie, Corrie, Valishia and Kathryn. Narrowing it down from there, I’m going to go with Elizabeth or Gia. If I had to choose just one, I’ll say Elizabeth. That would explain her insincere wish not to be kissed.

Speak of the devil, here’s Ella the southern Belle. It was her birthday yesterday and Jake has gotten her a gift... No wait. It’s a freakin’ cupcake! She should throw it in his face and create a scene. Michelle would have.

Dumb Divorced Tenley is perhaps a mean nickname. She’s probably not all that dumb. She just sounds it. If she sticks around, I’ll consider dropping the “Dumb” portion of the name.

Spoiled Vienna calls Michelle Debby Downer. Good one. And she’s annoyed that when Jake suddenly appears, she acts all happy. Michelle probably is a tad manic depressive. But Vienna, methinks the pot is calling the kettle black.

Michelle tells Jake she had packed her bags. She spins it so that she just comes off as extra-honest. Then just as she’s getting emotional (again), she’s interrupted. Can you believe it! Michelle almost told the interloper off right then and there, but thought better of it, telling Jake that she was confident he’d keep her around. Then she told the cameras how rude it was. I know, girlfriend! That was probably the rudest moment in Bachelor history. Nobody’s ever done that before.

SEGMENT 8: Chris enters and calls Rozlyn outside. Doh! She was actually my second guess, but I thought it was too obvious. Chris lets her know that he knows and her reaction is classic. She pulls the “I don’t think my personal life is anybody’s business” line. This is hilarious. It’s like, for example, finding drugs in your kids pocket and your kid turning it back on you with, “What are you doing going through my pockets?!”

Chris tells her that they feel it’s impossible for her to continue on the show. Maybe they’re right. But I think Jake is the one who ought to decide it. If he’s okay with it, it should be good enough for the show. But he tells her to go pack her stuff and get the hell out. In so many words.

At least the consolation is that she was the first ever to enter into such a relationship (or at least get caught) in the history of the show. So there’s your hook, Playboy. Get on it! Stat!

SEGMENT 9: The girls have no idea what’s going on. Chris lets Jake in on it. Jake is disappointed. He wants his rose back. He thought she could be the one and feels like maybe he was taken for the fool because he didn’t see this coming with her. Uh, maybe, Jake, but I pegged her as Wrong Reason Rozlyn from the beginning. Use your other head, dummy.

We watch Rozlyn pack... And pack some more... Hey, look, she’s still packing. As she slips on her jeans under her party dress, we almost see her cha-cha again.

Now the walk of shame, past all the other girls.

SEGMENT 10: Chris and Jake spill the beans. Jake tells them he feels deceived. He asks them to tell him if they aren’t sure or he’s not right for them. No one comes forward.

I’d like to find out what, exactly, her inappropriate relationship was. Flirting? Naughty text messaging? Making out? Sex? Did she show him her cha-cha?

I can’t believe so many of the rest are so emotional over this. They should be dancing a jig that the most stunning of them all was sent home.

SEGMENT 11: Rose ceremony time. I don’t even know how many there are and how many will go home. I guess we’ll find out.

Front Runner Ali and Elizabeth the Nanny already are rosed. Wrong Reason Rozlyn has been de-rosed. Here are the rest, in order:

3. Spoiled Vienna
4. Gia Pet
5. Dumb Divorced Tenley

So far I’m not liking his choices.

6. Ella Belle

Still not.

7. Dirty Valishia

Say what?

8. Classy Corrie

Finally! Good choice.

9. Crazy Canuck Jessie

Well, she’s a fellow Canadian, but I wouldn’t have picked her.

10. Ashleigh Diaz

Meh.

11. Unbalanced Michelle

Yay!!!

12. Kathryn the Faker

Nope.

I like the ones who he sent home. Professor Ashley committed a grave sin, which was being a brunette. I thought she was sweet. But as I said last week, I think Jake doesn’t like career women. He needs to be the alpha male. He doesn’t need a woman with a Ph.D. around the house. To her credit, she didn’t break down after getting jilted. Always bright and cheery. Not so for Bitchy Christina. She cries. There goes the funny snark the rest of the way. I wonder if she helped herself to a jelly bean on the way out.

And next week we see that someone else goes home before the rose ceremony. Looks like Elizabeth but we’ll have to wait and see. I’m not going to Google any spoilers. It’s like opening presents before Christmas. It’s just not right.

Hope you enjoyed this week’s offering. Make sure you vote in the poll over there on the left. And leave a comment while you’re at it. We’re all in this together.

The Bachelor: On a Wing and a Prayer

Well, well, well. Here we are again. I didn’t think I’d be here. And I probably shouldn’t even bother considering I’m a day late. But on Sunday night my wife says, “Are you going to blog about the Bachelor again?” I didn’t even know it was starting. I said no, I probably wouldn’t, but she begged... Okay, maybe not begged, but that’s how I took it.

I had next to no interest in this season because Jake is so dull. So perfectly dull. But what the hell. I play basketball on Monday nights and I can’t sleep right after so I may as well fire up the PVR and settle in for some unintentional comedy.

I probably won’t go on and on as in seasons past. Not sure how I’ll work it. Maybe a few random thoughts per segment (defined here as the show portion between commercials). I can’t spend too much time on this. But knowing me, I will go on and on. I guess we’ll just have to find out.

Alrighty, let’s get this show going. It’s called On the Wings of Love. Get it? Because he’s a pilot, you see. We probably won’t hear too many pilot references so enjoy it while it lasts.

SEGMENT 1: We get to know Jake a little bit. Very little. We know he likes to go shirtless a lot and when he does put a shirt on, it usually has wings on it. We get it. He’s a pilot. A nice guy pilot. His mantra is “Nice guys don’t finish last; nice guys just have to wait a little bit longer.” And nice guys settle, most likely, too. He says he didn’t think he’d be 31 and single, but thinks this is it for real. He’s sure he’ll end up with a fiancée: “I can just feel it!” Oh, poor stiff Jake. Guaranteed, though, he’ll spend more quality time with more women than he’s probably ever even talked to in his entire life this season. (I’m not counting over the P.A. on his plane.)

SEGMENT 2: Chris starts this segment telling us that America was shocked when Jillian sent Jake home. And he managed to keep a straight face. Maybe Bizarro America was shocked but no one in real life was surely.

We get to know a few select women ahead of their entries into Jake’s life. It’s always hard for me (and I assume you) to keep track of these strangers so I need to constantly refer to the characteristics I pick up along the way by assigning them a nickname: On a side note, would it be too much to ask of the producers to not have people with the same name in the same season? It's confusing and entirely unnecessary.
Ali: Cute, 25. Spunky. My front runner. She will herewith be called Front Runner Ali. You know who else was cute and spunky for two seasons running, don’t you? My all-time fave, Jillian.
Alexa, 25, mentions orgasms. Nice looking. She’ll be called Orgasmic Alexa, but not for long because she’s toast.
Tenley, dancer, 25, dancing on the beach. Sounds dumb. Divorced. Stayed a virgin until married. Perfect! Dumb Divorced Tenley it is!
Elizabeth, 29, air force captain. Nice looking. Smart. No fashion sense. I like her! Greatest loves in her life have all been pilots. Air Force Elizabeth, unfortunately, won’t stick around. (No need to write spoiler alert because you all know how it ended up already.)
Rozlyn, 28, model. Beautiful, of course, but my bet to be the one in it for the wrong reasons. She will be Wrong Reason Rozlyn.
Christina, a guy’s girl, and admits to being a little bitchy. Bitchy Christina it is.
Vienna, 23, shapely. Biggest personality, she says, and very intelligent. Loves herself. Currently unemployed. Points for honesty. Spoiled daddy’s girl. He bought her five cars. Tiny dog. What’s with chicks named for European capitals? Vienna is very Paris (Hilton)-like. What to call her... How about Spoiled Vienna? Done.
Ashley, 29, teacher. Not all that good looking but for a teacher she’s got to be considered hot. We’ll call her Professor Ashley.
Elizabeth, 29, nanny. Not to be confused with Air Force Elizabeth. Va-va-va-voom. She’s got the weirdest looking cleavage, though. Does that mean fake tits? Not sure. She says she’s not okay with Jake kissing other girls. So naturally this is the show for her. She's a nanny. And that shall be her name: The Nanny.)
Ella, 29, a southern belle. Looks older than 29. Has a son who she likes to chase around trees. She also boxes. “He is coming home with me,” she announces. And says she’ll knock someone out. Didn’t knock me out. We’ll call her Ella Belle.
Gia, 26, a swimsuit model from NY. Also has been a ballet dancer and done beauty pageants. Still, though, not lucky meeting guys. Yeah, it’s tough being a model. Claims to have had only three boyfriends her whole life. Maybe it’s the freaky facelift she had that scared them off. She’ll be Gia Pet, just because I like the way that sounds.
Kimberly, 24. She never thought in a million years this would happen. And guess what? It didn’t. She didn’t get a rose. Still, we’ll call her... I guess Kimberly. That’s not hard to remember.
Emily, 23, is a fit model, whatever that is. My guess is it doesn’t involve the face. Fit Emily is gone after this episode, too.
Tianna, 31, from Vancouver! Gotta like that. But not too much, because Tianncouver goes home tonight, too.
Caitlyn is a spokesmodel. She says that the experience she has from pageants will allow her to dominate this competition. Uh, not so much. She’s a goner, too.
Kirsten spoke too fast. Doesn’t matter. She’s outta here, too.
Michelle, 25, is cute and natural. Says she’s ready to be a wife. And why not? She’s 25 already. We’ll call her Unbalanced Michelle.

SEGMENT 3: Now here’s something I always wonder about. We start with a scene of Jake showering. How does this play out in real life? Is he naked? Of course not. And if not, it’s all for show. Do the producers ask if he'd mind hopping in the shower? Why would he agree to it?

Jake tells us he’s risking it all for love. What’s the risk? This is a guy who stalls airplane engines for the thrill of it. There’s risk in meeting and making out with a bunch of women and becoming a minor celebrity? Not when the alternative is crying in your pillow on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Jake isn’t a nerd, though, okay? He rides a motorbike. And he’s got abs. My guess is he was the kid who had sand kicked in his face as a kid and vowed revenge. He admits he’s had a lot of first dates. And somewhere in Bizarro America people are shaking their heads in disbelief.

Chris defines non sequitur in a question to Jake, asking if the girl he loves is terrified of flying, would he give it up? Uh... what? Is there a bring-your-wife-to-work day in the airline industry? What possible difference does it make whether she’s terrified or not? But Jake lies and says love is more important. So I guess he’ll just find a new job in that scenario.

SEGMENT 3: Nervous Jake meets the girls. The first car is full of drunken screaming girls. And here we go. We meet them all now:
Wrong Reason Rozlyn, the model, is first out of the limo. Her name means rose, she informs him. He should fasten his seatbelt because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Hey, another flying reference. That’s gotta be the last one, right?
Fit Emily, the fit model. She’s the Mary Ann of this island. But not as cute.
Front Runner Ali lost her voice. Gives a peacock feather. Maybe she said why but I missed it.
Jessie, 25, another Canadian, from Oakville, Ont. She grabs Jake’s biceps and says, “Do you have a registry for these guns?” then gives a flirty little over-the-shoulder look as she walks away. She’ll be Crazy Canuck Jessie. Inexplicably, she sticks around.
Dumb Divorced Tenley looks better but still sounds dumb.

The second car pulls up. Jake waves awkwardly:
Ella Belle, hair stylist, 29, from Tennessee. He loves her accent. She pulls the old “There’s something on your tie” routine and he falls for it. She thought he needed a laugh. Yeah, that always kills. Then she says, “How does it feel to talk to the woman you’re going to marry?” And he gave this woman a rose! Seriously!
Kathryn, 25, is a corporate flight attendant. She’s wearing a hideous purple dress, and sounds hideous, too. She’ll be Kathryn the Faker.
Caitlyn. Nothing to say here but nice back. Plus, she doesn’t last so I don’t need to get to know her.
Air Force Elizabeth. She asks if he prefers to be called Jake or Jacob. Apparently she didn’t watch last season because a grand total of zero people referred to him as Jacob. Then she pulls out a two-headed coin and flips it, telling him heads she stays, tails she goes. Maybe these gals are told to have something witty to say but it all sounds so prepared.
Orgasmic Alexa enters wearing black gloves. She drives a Harley, you see. She’s also dressed like a harlot.
Next out is Spoiled Vienna. She wants a touch of those famous abs so she cops a feel.
Classy Corrie, 23, is a breath of fresh air until she makes a lame joke about Kissimmee, Florida.
Kimberly, from Oklahoma, talks about college football. Not too rehearsed. And by that I mean completely rehearsed.
Valishia, 32, is a homemaker. Wait a second. Run that by me again? A homemaker? A single homemaker? I guess it sounds better than unemployed. She rubs a bit of soil from Texas into his hand. I’ll call her Dirty Valishia.
Gia Pet, the swimsuit model, arrives and poses as she steps out of the limo. Not only is she a swimsuit model/former ballerina/beauty pageant contestant, but apparently she owns a hair salon, too. The modeling’s going well, I guess. When she talks, she doesn’t move her lips. Could be the collagen.

SEGMENT 4: The last ten arrive:
The Nanny (Elizabeth) and her fake boobs greet Jake. She asks him to close his eyes and picture his best place. Thinking on his feet, he says right here. She looks displeased and says hers is snowboarding. Warning: She’s probably the type of girl who gets what she wants. Then again, she’s a nanny, so maybe not.
Channy, 29, needs no nickname. Not just because she’s gone after this episode, but for several reasons: Her name is nicknamey enough, she’s got a set of chompers Mr. Ed would envy, she wore a godawful miniskirt, she’s the only person of colour on this season (there’s always one), she’s the first ever Cambodian contestant, and, as we’ll find out later, she’s into personal grooming, South American style.
Professor Ashley, the teacher, is next. She says she’s a lousy picker of men. That oughta give Jake a extra jolt of confidence.
Tianncouver, 31, is tall. Taller than Jake, I think. No wonder she got the boot. Jake’s a man’s man and doesn’t need no woman standing over him.
Bitchy Christina brings some jelly beans along with her inner bitch. They’re little parting gifts for the girls since she says she’s going to win.
Another Ashleigh joins the group, only spelled differently. Her skirt is slit up to there and she trips into his arms. Oldest trick in the book. She looks like Cameron Diaz after too many drinks. So we’ll call her Ashleigh Diaz.
Next is Kirsten. She tells Jake that Jillian was so stupid for letting him go. She kinda looks like a man.
Stephanie, wearing a mini skirt, walks funny, self-consciously. But she’s a dance teacher. And kinda homely. No matter, she’s gone after tonight, too.
Sheila, a commercial pilot, exits the limo wearing sunglasses. I don’t want to fly with her. She says they’re a pair of aviators and he doesn’t bite. Doesn’t react a bit. No sense of excitement that here’s someone else who also is a commercial pilot. He sends her home, too, along with Air Force Elizabeth, yet keeps Kathryn, a flight attendant. What does that tell you? Jake likes to be the man and be recognized for his unique, manly abilities. He doesn’t need a woman who can do what he can do. He needs to impress the little ladies.
Unbalanced Michelle, flies in acting like a plane. I like her looks. She’s cute and a natural beauty. We’ll also find out she’s mentally unbalanced. Ah, The Bachelor, I knew you could draw me in somehow!

SEGMENT 5: Jake addresses the women inside. It’s a stilted little speech. As
Asheigh Diaz wants some one-on-one time so Jake and her can get a direct flight to romance. Get it? Because he’s a pilot! It’s funny because it’s true!
I knew I liked Front Runner Ali. On the way outside with Jake, she trips over her dress and rips it. She’s also got no voice. She confides she was scared of flying to the point of missing vacations. (Did I ever mention the time I took the bus back from Disneyland rather than getting on the plane?) She’s very refreshing. He likes that she’s different. What’s so different about her, though?
Classy Corrie asks Jake what his top 3 priorities are. He answers God, family, friends, in that order. So his own family and his close friends take a backseat to a mythical man in the sky. Nice.
Channy says he needs a bit of Cambodian fever. Sits him down and utters some beautiful Cambodian phrase, which translates to, “Jake, you can land your plane on my landing strip any time.” Which further translates to, “Me love you long time.”
Professor Ashley is willing to do just about anything. So she changes into a saucy stewardess outfit. And damned if she doesn’t look cute, too. She claims to be working on her PhD. Two more classes and she’ll be a professor.
Elizabeth, the fake boobed Nanny, is athletic. She starts tossing a football around with Jake and soon the whole gang joins in. Blondes vs brunettes. I didn’t catch who won but it was the hottest game of football I’ve ever seen.

SEGMENT 6: Unbalanced Michelle lives up to the nickname. Says it’ll kill her if she doesn’t get the first impression rose. "I deserve Jake," she says. Not much make-up.
Spoiled Vienna grabs Jake’s hand and smothers her boob with it so he can feel her, um, racing heart. Outside of softball, that’s probably the first time he’s been to second base. She also gets him to feel her shin and kiss it. If he were wearing jeans, he would have creamed them.
Kathryn the Faker gets her nickname because she wears a wedding ring. She has a pretend fiancée. At least that’s her story and she’s sticking with it. Yeah, not weird at all.
Unbalanced Michelle is already emotional this early into the game. She says she’s put everything on hold to be there. You know, it’s a burden being on national TV.

SEGMENT 7: Jillian and Ed show up still pretending to be a couple. They grill the girls and keep notes. They ask such hard-hitting questions as, “What kind of animal would you be in the bedroom?"
Dumb Divorced Tenley reads off a checklist from a note. Her man must have a big heart, values, be honest, a cuddlebug, very passionate, ready to start a new adventure. She then says she’s a pretty good kisser and desperately asks for one. He thanks her for being vulnerable. Hmm. That didn't look too vulnerable. But maybe it was lost in the editing because later she says she’s only been with one man and teared up because it’s been a while.
Ed really liked Elizabeth, saying she was great looking, a great personality, and was very down to earth and relaxed. Not sure which Elizabeth but I think it must have been The Nanny.
Jill liked Ella Belle, the single mom.
They said to send Unbalanced Michelle home. She’s too emotional. So of course the producers tell Jake he has to keep her. That's the only explanation.
Jake gives the first impression rose to Dumb Divorced Tenley. She got the first kiss and the first rose.

SEGMENT 8: Jake says he likes Unbalanced Michelle but that she’s almost over-sincere. Man, what a humourless couple they would make. Let’s make it happen, people! But he’s gonna let his heart lead. He knows his future wife is in that room.

SEGMENT 9: The final rose ceremony. Dumb Divorced Tenley is already in. Fourteen others to follow, in this order:

1. Dumb Divorced Tenley
2. Ella Belle
3. Elizabeth the Nanny and her fake boobs
4. Front Runner Ali, who looks surprised. God love her.
5. Spoiled Vienna
6. Bitchy Christina
7. Gia Pet and her fake face
8. Professor Ashley
9. Wrong Reason Rozlyn
10. Crazy Canuck Jessie
11. Classy Corrie
12. Dirty Valishia, looking homely
13. Ashleigh Diaz
14. Kathryn the Faker
15. Unbalanced Michelle. It’s the first time she’s smiled all night. Future stalker.

Who’s gone? This is the part the show could improve upon. They always feature a few of them as they leave, but I’m always unclear who didn’t make it. Thank God I took notes. Tianncouver got the hook. There goes cheering for the home team. Fit Emily feels incomplete, just like her run on this series. She cries. Because that’s what you do. And Kimberly was shocked. The others not invited back next week to this locality were Caitlyn, Orgasmic Alexa, Air Force Elizabeth, Channy's landing strip, Kirsten, Stephanie, and Sheila the Aviatrix.

That’s it. Upcoming highlights reveal that someone has kids, someone’s a virgin, someone’s been having a sexual affair, and someone’s going to cry. And Jake bends over a railing and cries, as per Bachelor protocol. He goes to hell and back. And I believe that’s a direct flight. We’ll be with him the whole way.