Week 6: The take-down

Thanks for the comments last week, people. It gives a feller a reason to go on. Plus I enjoy hearing everyone’s opinions. I’ll try not to be so hard on ole Crazy Eyes Frank this week.

Will we find out who has the girlfriend back home tonight? Will it be the only funny guy left in the house (the Wrassler)? Iceland was cool when Batty Kasey was left on the side of a mountain. Who will be the turkey in Istanbul? Let’s find out, shall we?! Melodrama awaits!

She’s thrilled to be in the old Constantinople. She had no idea 13 million people lived there. I suppose that shouldn’t be a slight on her. I didn’t, either. But I knew it was a major city. And I know it’s the only city in the world that spans two continents: it’s partly in Europe and partly in Asia, in case that comes up later.

Chris knocks on Ali’s door. Former cast member Jesse (I don’t remember her), pining for yet more screen time, gave the show a call to tell them the news. This isn’t a set-up at all. It looks completely organic. Now we have to sit through five rings as Chris calls her up, just to build tension so we can watch Ali monitor the pulse on her neck.

Jesse is calling from Toronto, so that can only mean one thing: it’s the Canadian Wrassler, just as everyone suspected. Hey look, there happens to be a camera at Jesse’s house, and the Wrassler’s supposed girlfriend is there with her! What a coincky-dink! The story is they (the Wrassler and his girlfriend Jessica) had planned it together. And the reason she’s contacted the show is because she just found out he has yet another girlfriend. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. (I just made that up. Feel free to use it.)

This just smacks of... something. I’m not saying it is or isn’t true. I’m just saying it reeks of something. Like maybe the show knew about it all along or he was planted from the beginning just for the drama. You know, just like in all-star wrestling. He’s playing the part of the bad guy.

Ali says Justin, the Wrassler, kept telling her he was there for the right reasons. But that doesn’t mean he was lying. For him, the right reasons might have been publicity. So he could have been telling the truth.

Anyway, she wants him on the first flight back to Canada. First the Sarnia Sleaze and now this. It’s a black mark on this fine country. Will we ever live it down?

***

This has been Ali’s fear from the beginning, that she’s going to give her heart to someone only to have it served back to her on a silver platter. Chris coaches her outside the Wrassler’s room, telling her to take a deep breath.

All the guys are sitting there. Ali cuts right to the chase, saying Justin must really miss his girlfriend in Canada. The Wrassler just gets up and walks away. Just like that. He says he’d rather just not say anything. We hear him say he doesn’t have a girlfriend and Chris asks him if he’s just going to walk away. He says, “Fuck you” to Chris and walks out. This just doesn’t add up.

Ali finds him outside. He tells her if she wants to talk off-camera he will. She puts her finger on his stomach and he says, “Don’t touch me.” Ali shouts after him, “Justin, you’re going to regret this!” Regret what? Walking away? The damage has been done. Wouldn’t he regret sticking around hemming and hawing and looking even worse?

It’s all so over-the-top I don’t know what to make of it. There must be so much more to the story. Can’t wait to hear it. Thank God he’s from Ontario. Nobody likes those jerks.

***

The Wrassler is still walking. Ali is sitting by a fountain. He comes and sits beside her. Here goes: “I know you probably want to rip my head off now,” he says. He says he has strong feelings for Jessica but more as a best friend. He says he’s been less and less into this show, though. He wanted to give the rose back the day after he got it and Kasey was sent home. Still, I think we can all agree it was a good thing Kasey was sent home. The Wrassler did her a favour that way and she should be eternally grateful for that.

Ali gives the Wrassler a piece of her mind. He just hung his head and walked away. To Ali, that was a cowardly move. He denied strongly having another girlfriend. As he we see him walking away we hear the evidence: three phone messages he left with Jessica pleading for her to be his wife and pick up the phone. Well, that’s not gonna happen now, is it, Jessica?

Man, did I just turn this all on Jessica? My man crush has gone too far. But hey, he was expressing his love for her and she just ratted him out on national TV.

***

Okay, let’s concentrate on these other losers.

Aha! Ugly Craig says he’s so glad “that turkey” is gobbling his way back to Canada.

Date card! Back to fake reality!

It’s a one-on-one card. “Let’s get steamy.” It’s for Big Ears Ty. He’s one of the good guys and I’d say the front runner. There’s no way he doesn’t get a rose.

They walk through the beautiful Istanbul hand-in-hand, looking like a nice couple. They arrive at a Turkish bath. I do know that only men are usually allowed to go there, but they make an exception for the show. I hope it doesn’t cause an international incident.

Dumb question of all time: Big Ears asks if she likes massages. Is there any woman alive who would answer in the negative to that question?

Group date card arrives back at the hotel. “Love conquers ol(ive)”. Man, they’re stretching. Cape Cod Chris, Roberto Clemente, Mouldy Kirk, and Ugly Craig. Turns out everyone else has a one-on-one date and Ugly Craig hasn’t had any. So Crazy Eyes Frank will get his second. You think it’s because Craig is ugly? Nah, couldn’t be. Just a fluke, Craig, just a fluke.

***

Big Ears and Ali have dinner by the water. His feelings have gotten stronger and stronger and I think the feeling is reciprocated. The rose is sitting there. No drama or tension here whatsoever. He begs to be flattered, asking her what it is about him that she likes. She likes his looks. To her credit, she doesn’t mention his ears.

He talks about his divorce. Did I know he was divorced? Probably, but I don’t remember it. He’s sounding like a big ole chauvinist now. He expected his wife to stay at home, he tells Ali. But now he realizes that women are CEOs of companies so needn’t stay at home once they’ve finished the dishes and made the beds and they get home in time to make dinner. Ali smiles inexplicably. This raises no alarm bells for her, or at least she’s not letting on. I say, to use a down home homily, you can’t change a leopard’s spots. So I’m sure there’s still some residual sexism lingering.

Ugly Craig wants Big Ears Ty to be sent home because he wants to be the last man standing. Dreamer.

Ali thinks Big Ears Ty is more ready for all this because of what he’s experienced. Yeah, that’s one way of looking at it. People in love will never see the obvious warning signs. Everything will be filtered through the positive lens in their brain. And if they aren’t into them, everything will be filtered through the negative lens.

They dance to some traditional Turkish music on the street. Very romantic. I want to go to Istanbul. But not to dance.

***

Ali plays Rapunzel (I wrote that seconds before Mouldy Kirk said it), waiting for the four fellas from high atop a castle.

They drink beer outside. She tells them there will be no rose on this date, but there will be some fighting. Four Turkish dudes, shirtless and oiled up, enter behind a traditional Turkish band. (I’m guessing it’s traditionally Turkish, anyway. Makes sense, them being in Turkey and all.)

It’s called Olive Oil Wrestling and it’s a professional sport in Turkey. Man, too bad the Wrassler didn’t last one more episode. He'd have kicked their butts with a 2x4 or folding chair. This is a sport I could love if it’s anything like sumo wrestling.

After getting roughed up by the Turks, the four contestants fight each other with the winner getting some special one-on-one time, so it’s “just as impor-ant”. Why can’t Ali pronounce the first ‘t’ in important?

It comes down to Roberto Clemente and Ugly Craig. Roberto is a pro athlete... well, baseball, so close enough... and Ugly Craig is a dorky lawyer. But it’s a battle. Ugly Craig won’t give up. For some reason, known only to aficionados of Turkish Olive Oil Wrestling fans, the ref raises Ugly Craig’s hand. He wins despite getting his butt kicked. Ali looks crestfallen. After doing her best to avoid one-on-one time with the homely attorney, she can no longer put it off.

Hey, you don’t think the producers got in the ear of the ref and fixed the match, do you? Nah, this show has too much integrity for that.

***

While the other three magnanimously tell Crazy Eyes Frank about Ugly Craig’s deeds (obviously Craig’s no threat to them), Crazy Eyes just stares. Because that’s what Crazy Eyes does best. Even though he’s got his own one-on-one date coming up, he can’t even show the slightest bit of happiness for a guy who’s got absolutely no hope.

Ali and Ugly Craig have a dinner somewhere and damned if he doesn’t win me over with his sense of humour again. He talks about taking his Olive Oil Wrestling career to the next level. He’s way funnier than Crazy Eyes Frank. Granted, that’s not saying much, so let me rephrase: Craig is genuinely funny. And he seems like a good guy.

Ali’s body language isn’t exactly saying “come hither” though. She sits with her head facing Ugly Craig but her body is aimed squarely at the door as if she’s planning her escape route.

The one-on-one date card with Crazy Eyes Frank says, “The road to love is bazaar.” I’m guessing that’s the spelling of ‘bizarre’ since they’re in Turkey, doncha know?
Ugly Craig and Ali watch fireworks. In my head I’m singing the theme to Love, American Style.

I think Ugly Craig is growing on me. Could he be my new favourite? I certainly always go for the underdog, so maybe he is.

***

My wife just said she has no desire to go to Turkey. Reason? “Have you seen Midnight Express?” I think she missed the part about the drug smuggling.

Ali says her first date with Crazy Eyes Frank was amazing but since then he continues to disappoint her. They walk through a spice bazaar and play dress-up. Ali comes out as a belly dancer. Crazy Eyes Frank’s eyes get crazier as he hugs his genie. “Oh my God, wow!”

Back at the hotel, Ugly Craig says he thinks he’s the type of guy Ali wants. Just when I start liking him, he shows his cocky side. Meanwhile, Big Ears Ty badmouths Mouldy Kirk. He doesn’t see him with Ali.

Ali thinks the old Crazy Eyes Frank is back. Is that a good thing? I can’t figure that out.

The ads before the commercials keep asking viewers to apply to be the next Bachelor or Bachelorette. I so want to know someone on the show. So if you know me, apply already. I won’t rat on you if you already have a boyfriend or girlfriend back home. Or even a spouse. Just do it.

***

Ali and Crazy Eyes, new rug in tow, walk through an “almost magical” place for a romantic dinner. It’s a cistern, an underground reservoir for all the rainwater they’ve experienced so far. They sit on a platform in the middle of the water. Can’t wait to see a rat scurry by.

Crazy Eyes Frank wants to get down on his knee to ask someone to marry him once. The second time it’s got to be the girl who does it. He’s being very serious. Ali says the relationship with him scares her. As it should: Crazy Eyes wears a thumb ring. That’s creepy.

They kiss and Ali gives Crazy Eyes the puppydog eyes back like she’s totally and absolutely into him. She grabs the rose and tells him he blows her away. Blah. But Ali is, deep down, a big old nerd so it’s somewhat understandable. Someone had a great comment on the blog last week that she’d never choose Roberto because she sees him as too good for her. I totally see that. I think she feels she’s on equal footing with Crazy Eyes, or maybe even a bit better than him, so she can be confident he’d never leave her.

***

There will be no cocktail party this week. Why is that? There was no drama that’s still around. Six guys are left. Cape Cod Chris is wearing sneakers with his suit. Crazy Eyes Frank is looking so much more confident sitting there with that rose in his lapel. Somebody’s going home, but who?

Big Ears Ty is the other guy with the rose. I guess that means there are five other roses to hand out. But first Ali needs to talk with Chris. She tells him she’s had a connection with every guy but one so there’s no need for the party. Who’s the one guy? Ugly Craig, Mouldy Kirk, Cape Cod Chris or Roberto Clemente? I think Ugly Craig is a shoe-in. So Kirk, Chris or Roberto? Hmm. She had some sort of connection with all three of them earlier on. I honestly don’t have a clue. I’m hoping it’s Mouldy Kirk but I couldn’t tell you why. But maybe Chris since he forgot his dress shoes.

She doesn’t want to prolong the inevitable by having the guys think they need to make one last push at the party. The guys are flabbergasted there won’t be one. They’re in shock.

***

Once again, to recap, Crazy Eyes Frank and Big Ears Ty have already received roses. Three roses are left for four guys. Whoever gets sent home gets a real slap in the face since her mind was so made up that she forewent the free champagne. And the roses go to...

1. Roberto Clemente, Rico Suave
2. Cape Cod Chris, with his sneakers
3. Mouldy Kirk

Wowza. Can I pick ‘em or what? Ugly Craig was my new favourite. But I guess the physical attraction, or lack thereof, was too much to overcome. I forgot about her body language on their one-on-one time. She walks him out and he gives her a lawyerly talk. She thought the romance was missing between them because, as my wife said in Ali’s voice, “I’m a shallow bitch.” The missus also just said I shouldn’t call him Ugly Craig. So there you have it, Craig. You’ve got two fans for two different reasons. I promise I won't call him Ugly Craig again.

Craig is shocked. So am I.

Next up on the tour of places I want to visit is Lisbon, Portugal.

Coming up in the season: We see Ali meeting Crazy Eyes Frank’s and Roberto’s families. Thanks for the spoilers I’ve been trying to avoid all these weeks, producers. We see Ty in Tahiti, so we know he sticks around. Crazy Eyes Frank gives Ali the “We need to talk” line and Ali is a total wreck. One person we didn’t see in any of the clips was Cape Cod Chris so he’s probably a goner. And judging from all the tears, maybe she should have kept him around. That guy is solid. Well, as solid as a guy who has his mother’s autograph tattooed on his chest.

Well, that was fun, wasn’t it? Or a reasonable facsimile? See you in seven sleeps.

Week 5: Ode to Iceland

Is this show dying? Or is it just my blog? Sure, there were votes in the poll (Cape Cod Chris was by far the most favourite fella remaining, with 47 percent of you voting for him, and 89 percent of you thinking Batty Kasey is the craziest contestant ever), but I do believe last week was the first time in this blog’s storied history that it didn’t receive a single comment. I’m not begging or anything. I know these puppies are long and by the time you get to the end (if you do), you’ve got more pressing things to do. But if you do have something on your mind, by all means feel free to share it.

This week, the boys and Ali are going to Iceland. And without a hint of irony, Big Ears Ty says he gets chills thinking about going there. The least they could have done is edited in a rimshot, doncha think?

He goes on to say he doesn’t think anyone thinks of going to Iceland to find love. Is that American hubris talking? I’m sure there are a couple hundred thousand Icelanders do.

Batty Kasey is stoked about his tattoo. He can’t wait to show it to Ali. I think he’s mistaking Iceland for Fantasyland.

Even though we don’t see much, I like the airport and airplane shots of the guys. It’s something we haven’t seen in umpteen seasons of The Bachelor/ette. Hopefully in the future we can see more. And how about seeing Ali’s flight? Why does this interest me? I don’t know, but it does.

Ali says the volcano there erupted recently for the first time in 200 years, but she didn’t specify if that was the big one. I guess we can surmise from the fact she didn’t mention it, they were there before the big one.

I’ve always wanted to go to places like Iceland, Sweden, Norway and Finland. Again, I don’t know why since I don’t particularly like the snow or cold. Still, I’m looking forward to this episode so I can live vicariously.

The guys are walking around Reykjavik (I’m guessing. How many cities are there in Iceland?). They’re complaining about the cold. They turn the corner and there’s Chris standing in just a sweater – no hat, no gloves – looking as comfortable as can be.

This week: a group date, a one-on-one date, and a “special” two-on-one date. Sounds kinky.

This week, the fellas will compete for the one-on-one date. They will each write and perform a love poem to Ali, and she then decides who gets the date. They have one hour. And they’re encouraged to slide in an Icelandic word. I know a few words from a few different languages but I can’t think of a single Icelandic word beyond Bjork.

Cape Cod Chris says he just wants to make Ali laugh. And if he does, that’ll be the first time. Hard to make someone laugh when you’re always talking about your mother, father, brothers and sisters.

Kasey’s still blathering on about his tattoo. “It’s a great thing,” he says. And he seems to believe it, which is disturbing, to say the least.

Crazy Eyes Frank asks a local how to say “I love you” in Icelandic. Good luck with that, Frank. It’s a mouthful. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say Ali won’t know the difference no matter what you say, so just fake it.

All the others also elicit help. But poor Wrassler has no luck with the natives, who all pass by as he calls for help. Those Icelanders are cold. The guy’s got crutches. He could have been in distress.

Crazy Eyes says he’s written a number of love poems in his day. I don’t doubt him for a second. I bet most of them were delivered from the ground screaming up at a window with music blasting from a ghetto blaster and the girl holed up inside not wanting anything to do with him.

***

Batty Kasey wants the one-on-one date so he can show her his tattoo and he’ll be able to see her heart and she’ll be able to see his. On his wrist. As traced by a professional.

Ali says she thinks it’s difficult for guys to show their feelings through poetry. So of course a poetry contest makes perfect sense.

The poetry recital begins:

Ugly Craig is pretty funny and honest, quoting some Icelandic mumbo-jumbo and admitting he made it up. In verse, yet.

Kasey reminds us once again, prior to reading his poem, that he’s there to guard and protect Ali’s heart. Maybe he’s got Asperger’s Syndrome. His poem seems sincere, but the guys are just now noticing that he mumbles. If you go back to the first blog post this season and you’ll see his nickname was The Mumbler. They go to the subtitles and even the crack Bachelor/ette staff can’t figure out some of his words. Maybe that’s why he just keeps repeating his stock phrase. He’s practiced it and knows he can reproduce it clearly.

Anonymous Chris N., aka Magic, goes from memory and performs the difficult and rare feat of rhyming “out” with “out” before forgetting his lines.

Origami Kirk is the only one who went to school on Roberto’s Broadway audition. He walks over to Ali to perform at her feet and ends with a hug.

Crazy Eyes Frank loves writing. Remember, he may be a retail manager by day, but he’s a screenwriter by night (who isn’t?). So he’s confident he’s going to do well. He ups Kirk by not only walking over to Ali, but sitting down beside her and taking her hand. Then he gets up and flourishes his arms for a big finish that was kind of funny. I’d say he’s winning so far.

I gather from the brief montage clips of the others that they were not stellar.

Ali actually brings up The Lion King audition, too, admitting that she’s a sucker for the obviously phony ploy of going over to her. Only Kirk and Crazy Eyes did that, and since she hadn’t had a one-on-one yet with Kirk, he gets it.

***

Kirk and Ali go sweater shopping. Rivetting prime time TV. Then they feed some swans and sit in a coffee shop where Ali asks Kirk about his dating history. He admits he hasn’t dated anyone for more than a year. Then Kirk tells the producers and us that he’s nervous to tell her about his history and what he’s been through. Can’t wait to hear it. Start singing, K.

But he tells her they can talk about it “maybe later”. Which also implies “maybe not”.

Back at the hotel, Crazy Eyes Frank says he has a gut feeling that Kirk isn’t coming home. It’s also called wishful thinking.

A knock at the door and the next date card arrives. It’s the group date card. It looks like Roberto, Cape Cod Chris, Anonymous Chris N., Ugly Craig, Big Ears Ty and Crazy Eyes Frank are the lucky ones, leaving the Wrassler and Batty Kasey with the two-on-one, which further means one of those two is going home. Since Kasey clearly was the pick of the producers last week (you can’t convince me they don’t pick, or “cast”, a percentage of the picks each week), he’s toast. They simply can't keep him around any longer for believability's sake.

***

The date with Kirk continues. Ali feels he’s hiding something. She wants to give him a rose but she doesn’t know yet. At dinner he opens up, saying he got so sick five years ago he thought he was going to die. Only he didn’t use that word because that could scare her off, I think.

Then he continues by bragging that he was an all-American track star, eighth in the country in the 1500. But then he developed breathing problems, lost 15 pounds in a month, he cheeks sunk in and his eyes popped out, the hair on his arms started falling out, he lost all his short-term memory, the left side of his body went numb, he couldn’t talk and his legs wouldn’t work. He saw about 40 doctors from coast to coast and nobody could tell him what was wrong with him. Turns out the house he lived in in college was contaminated and he had been breathing in mould for a year and a half, which affected his nervous system and digestive system and other systems.

But, he wants to make clear, it doesn’t define him. Really? So that doesn’t mean I can’t finally give him a new nickname? Oh, believe me, he’s Mouldy Kirk from here on out. So long Origami Kirk; hello Mouldy Kirk!

Ali thinks Kirk’s story is unbelievably inspiring. And he has a lot of the qualities she’s looking for in a husband. For instance, he’s going to throw out the cheese before it gets bad. After that heart-wrenching story, he gets the rose.

Mouldy Kirk feels lucky because she accepts him. What did he expect? Her to run out of the room screaming that he got sick due to some mould? Oh, people and their hang-ups.

Back at the hotel, Batty Kasey is an emotional wreck. The fact he’s got Crazy Eyes Frank as a confidante should tell you something. Frank seems to be on Kasey’s side when he’s with him, but to the camera he’ll tell us this experience is pushing Kasey over the edge. Keep in mind, Batty Kasey always stood teetering on the edge anyway. Staring out the window, an emotional Batty Kasey says, “That’s why I got this tattoo: to be someone. And to be a man.” Case closed. He’s definitely nutso.

Frank thinks Kasey should show Ali his new ink, but Batty Kasey isn’t so sure. Duplicitous Frank is no dummy. That tells me right there he’s in it to win it. Because if Kasey shows the tattoo, he’s gone. Kasey says if he gets sent home, it’s going to destroy him.

***

Next up is the group date. Out on the tundra they go horseback riding. Big Ears Ty, from Tennessee, is at home on the range, even when it’s covered in snow. The horses look more like Shetland Ponies. Cape Cod Chris is not what you’d call a natural. And he doesn’t seem thrilled when they get to a big hole in the ground. Nor should he. It’s an underground cave.

While Batty Kasey has something up his sleeve (literally), the Wrassler has plans of his own. He visits a doctor to have his cast removed and gets a walking cast in its place. Man, the Icelandic health insurance must be good. Remember, the Wrassler is Canadian so he isn’t used to paying for such medical services. But even if Iceland has a good medical insurance system, as I’m sure they do, someone not paying into it would have to pay more for their needs, I’m sure.

Ty is the man on the group date, helping everyone. Cape Cod Chris rappels down the cave. Then they all go exploring. Crazy Eyes Frank is whining about not getting enough time with Ali. Surprise, surprise. Ali raved about all the guys on the date except old Crazy Eyes. She says he’s been non-existent. And that’s his choice. The bloom may be off this rose.

***

They arrive at The Blue Lagoon, a lake with so-called healing powers. Blogs all over the blogosphere are making nude Brooke Shields references. And the way Ali strips off her parka into a bikini, they’re not far off.

Champagne is flowing and Ali sounds tipsy. She takes Big Ears Ty off to explore the lake (i.e. stand in one place and gaze into each other’s eyes.) Drunk.

She then gets jiggy with Cape Cod Chris. She wondered if their relationship was romantic yet. Looked like it, thanks to the alcohol.

No wonder Crazy Eyes Frank sympathizes with Batty Krazy. They’re both emotionally retarded. Frank can’t sit still, always looking over his shoulder at Ali with anyone who’s not him. It’s driving him insane(r).

The Wrassler and Batty Kasey are not getting along at all at the hotel. Their date is going to be off the charts! Their date card reads, “Let’s explore the land of fire and ice.” The Wrassler is exuding confidence. Kasey looks flustered.

Ali takes Crazy Eyes Frank inside and confronts him. “I don’t even see you on our group dates,” she slurs. I have no idea where they stand. But she’s drunk. And that’s worth it.

No surprise: Big Ears Ty gets the rose. Crazy Eyes Frank takes it as a wake-up call. He’s going to fight for her.

***

Kasey’s tattoo symbolizes everything he stands for, he says: his unstable emotional state.

We see the Wrassler packing his bags, in case he’s sent home. He packs like a teenager, just crumpling everything up and throwing it all in his suitcase.

The Wrassler’s confidence has become cockiness. But he’s still a far better choice than Batty Kasey. Kasey says the Wrassler is here only for himself, and he may or may not be right, but at least he’s not psychotic.

So off the three go in a helicopter on a tour of volcanoes. Was this pre- or post-eruption, I wonder? Did I already wonder this? I'm not scrolling back up to look. They land on the lava-spewing monster. One of these years, there’s going to be a serious accident on this show. They tempt fate way too much. But I guess they’re professionals. They know what they’re doing.

The Wrassler, perhaps showing he may be there for career motives, equates Ali with a championship belt.

***

Now they’re on a glacier. They get to a cave with tables of ice and candles. I don’t believe they’re natural.

Kasey is always going to guard and protect Ali’s heart, in case you forgot.

The Wrassler is a bit much in his interviews, but I think he approaches them like a pro wrestler. He’s just having fun with them. He’s got a sense of humour.

Batty Kasey is going to show Ali the extent of his battiness. More blather about guarding and protecting his heart. He rolls up his sleeve and actually presents his tattoo in a somewhat convincing fashion. Ali doesn’t look repulsed. More bemused. And she thanks him for being himself. That was kind of a let-down.

Now the game’s on. Did the tattoo charm her? Will the guys’ opinion about the Wrassler get to her?

They’re walking along a glacier and I’m thinking, what if the Wrassler hadn’t shed his crutches? How would that date have worked? Makes me think things aren’t as real as they’re presented. And I'm just now hearing that Santa Claus isn't real. This day stinks.

Ali gives the rose to Justin, the Wrassler, in the middle of nowhere. She feels something just wasn’t there with Batty Kasey. Good sense prevails. Batty Kasey has just struck out. They take off in the helicopter, leaving Kasey stranded on the glacier. Well, stranded with a camera crew and another helicopter waiting. But stranded as far as reality TV goes.

Despite what Batty Kasey said earlier, he doesn’t sound like a destroyed man after Ali rejects him. Of course, it’s always hard trying to figure out what he’s saying.

In her interview, Ali parrots what the Wrassler told her, that as hard as it is, it’s just one step on the road to her final destination of finding a husband.

***

Crazy Eyes Frank steals Ali away. I get the feeling he’ll start trashing the Wrassler now that his buddy Batty Kasey has been given the boot. Ali tells him, “I know the guys don’t like Justin.” But from what we see, Frank stays mum on the subject. He still has the crazy eyes going, though. He tells her she’s a smart girl and that’s the most attractive thing about her. They smooch. He gives her the crazy eyes look, and she says, “That’s that look I miss!” And they kiss some more. Gross.

Ugly Craig says he’s as nervous as he’s ever been in his entire life. And he has every right to be because he’s the ugliest one left. He’s gone further than anyone would have guessed so he can go out a winner and hold his head high for guys like him.

But he plays the humour card, rolling up his sleeve to reveal a pen tattoo. Ali laughs her head off. It was a good move. She loves to laugh and that move alone was funnier than anything Crazy Eyes Frank has said combined, even though Ali thinks he’s the funniest guy she’s ever met in her entire life. But ugly guys need a sense of humour. It’s all they’ve got.

Speaking of funny, Ali asks Anonymous Chris N. what’s one thing she doesn’t know about him that would surprise her. He tells her that he’s been told how funny he is. Ali looks on expectantly. Slick editing leaves it at that. Crickets. So she asks about his fun and silly side. What is his guilty pleasure? Long pause... He loves Mexican food. What a prankster! Mexican food! That’s rich!

He reaches over and pulls Ali toward him in an extremely stiff and awkward hug. Then he assures us his little tete-a-tete went well and he’s 100 percent sure he’ll get a rose.

Cape Cod Chris, in trying to prove what a good guy he is, maybe makes a misstep, saying he’d collect garbage in San Francisco if Ali was the right one. I think Ali might have a say in that. As in, see you later, garbage man.

Roberto tells Ali he’s a shy guy, then kisses her under the moonlight. You know, as all shy guys do.

***

Ali tells Chris that she thinks Kasey fell in love with the idea of falling in love. I think she’s right.

Chris plays armchair psychiatrist and tells her she’s afraid to let herself fall in love. She says she’s going to be very cautious and doesn’t want to get hurt. “What are you so afraid of,” Chris goads. He asks the hard questions, I think we all agree. I think maybe the host chair on Meet The Press might be in Chris’s future. She says she’s almost positive she’s going to fall in love and is terrified she won’t be loved back. How’s that for self-esteem?!

She vows to not let fear be such a controlling factor in her life. This from the fearful flier who flies around the world, goes on helicopter trips, descends into caves, and tightrope walks between buildings.

Only one guy is going home. So no surprise this week. It’s the handsome but dull Anonymous Chris N. Let’s just get on with it.

***

Here’s the final rose ceremony. Mouldy Kirk, Big Ears Ty and the Wrassler have a rose already. Ali’s heart is racing. It’s getting really real for her. Meaning we wasted the first few weeks, I guess.

Four roses to be handed out. And here they are:

• 4. Crazy Eyes Frank is first off the post. And he accepts the rose.
• 5. Cape Cod Chris. Everything’s going to form.
• 6. Shy Roberto.
• 7. Ugly Craig. They’ll be throwing a parade for him in Uglytown, USA. He’s a hero to ugly guys everywhere.

Anonymous Chris N. takes a hike. Ali says she just couldn’t get there with him. Chris N. has a vacant look in his eyes, pretty much the same look he’s had all season. But he says he’s shattered. He talks more in the limo ride of shame than he has all season.

Next week they leave Iceland and go to “supposively” phenomenal city of Istanbul, Turkey, aka Constantinople. Another place I’d love to visit. I can travel the world without getting off my couch. This is awesome. Things aren’t looking good for Crazy Eyes next week, and when we see a shirtless wrestling competition, things can only get worse for the pencil-necked geek... Ooh, and drama comes to Turkey when Ali finds out one of the guys has a girlfriend. She doesn’t take it well. Wouldn’t it be awesome if it were someone like Crazy Eyes or Cape Cod Chris?

Week 4: To Guard and Protect

Okay, folks. It’s late so let’s just get started, shall we? No time for chit-chat. I’ve got to get to the drama (and unintentional comedy), stat! Will someone relieve Justin, The Wrassler, from his undeserved villain role? I sure hope so because he’s just dreamy.

Did I say that out loud?... No, I guess I didn’t. Phew. For a minute there I thought I was gay.

Oh, judging by the upcoming highlights, it’s Kasey the Desperate Dud who’s going to prove to be unstable. And is he getting a tattoo? Oh, God, I hope it says Ali on it. And I hope it’s huge.

Eleven guys left. Three dates this week: One group, two one-on-one. The boys are travelling around the world “to fall in love with Ali.” First destination: New York City. Cape Cod Chris thinks he has a huge home field advantage having lived there for five years.

Ali’s excited because, as she says, travelling with someone is how you get to know everything about that person. Sure, maybe in a rent-a-car, staying in hostels. I doubt she’ll learn much with a camera crew in her face and staying at five-star hotels in separate rooms. But I could be wrong. We’ll definitely find out how batty Kasey is.

You know what I’d like to see on these shows? I want to see them on the plane? That’s a five-hour flight. Surely there’d be shenanigans. I think we’d learn something about them.

Some guy from In Style magazine is trying to dress Ali. He shows her a shimmery mini skirt. I do not see her wearing it.

Geez, ask and ye shall receive. We see footage of the snakes on the plane. And it’s just what I wanted. As Ali is getting her make-over, she’s telling her beautician about them. When she gets to Frank, aka Hyper Dweeb, she says, “he is the funniest guy I ever met in my entire life. He makes me laugh all day long.” Cut to: Hyper Dweeb pretending to pick the nose of a sleeping compatriot (Roberto, aka Clemente, possibly). Oh, the highjinks. I throw my hands up and give up on Ali at this point. It’s bad enough saying that guy is even funny, but to say he’s the funniest guy she’s ever met? In her entire life? Sure, it’s conceivable she runs with a very dull crowd, but nobody can beat him? Wow.

Foreshadowing alert!: Kasey the Desperate Dud is going to “guard and protect my heart.” Can’t wait for this.

I may be late to the party on this one, but Ali has really long and skinny nostrils. That’s disconcerting.

After the make-over, Ali looks... pretty much the same. She thinks she’s gone from California laid-back to New York chic, but I don’t see a difference. And they didn’t do anything to her nostrils.

The Midget Weather Doofus (real name: Jonathan) comes across like a rube, raving about the huge building. Yeah, dude, you’re in New York City. Even if you haven’t been there, surely you’ve seen a picture book at some point in your life.

After the photo shoot of Ali with her “new” look, she’s informed she’s going to be in the July issue of In Style (with Cameron Diaz on the cover). Ali says it’s something she’s dreamed about but never thought it would come true. Really, Ali? That was a dream while you were happily working in the offices of Facebook? This girl is all hyperbole.

The date card is read by Cape Cod Chris. It’s a one-on-one date and the lucky recipient is Kasey the Desperate Dud with the Weird Voice. The card reads, “Let’s do what comes natural......” That’s a little suggestive, isn’t it?

Still, I’m happy because he’s one step closer to going home! Of course, having just seen Penn & Teller on the weekend (read my review here), I’m not going to let myself be misdirected again. I know these previews can be misleading, but I sure hope it’s a train wreck!

***

On the date, Ali says they’re going to do things that most people wish they had the chance to do. What could it be? Hmmm... Ah, yes: Helicopters! And even though they’re standing amid dozens of choppers, Kasey seems blown away and surprised when one comes for them. What? A helicopter for us? Never saw that coming.

You’d think with a Bachelorette who isn’t exactly keen on flying they could come up with something different. (You’d think they could come up with something different anyway, but the producers ain’t exactly groundbreakers otherwise they’d be doing something more creative with their careers.)

The more we hear Batty Kasey talk in his little interview session, the crazier he sounds. Yes, he’s crazy for Ali, but it’s a bit much at this point. “This is reality,” he says. “This is my future wife.” Uh-huh.

Oh my God! This is priceless! Maybe the best scene in this series EVER! Set up beautifully. Batty Kasey (his new nickname, by the way) says he’d been waiting for just the right moment. So with the setting sun, sitting on a blanket drinking champagne, he lets go with a song (remember, he didn’t get to partake in the music video group date so this has been sitting with him for a long time). He told us he had a good voice... and boy was he wrong!

He’s free-styling! It’s nothing he prepared, he’s just bat-shit crazy! I love it! Here are the lyrics to his, er, “song”: “When I was flying/ in the helicopter/ over this amazing city/ I looked to my left and never saw something so pretty” Ali gives a nervous laugh. She must have been thinking he was putting her on because nobody does that. Nobody. But Batty Kasey keeps on truckin’:

“At the end of tonight/ I’m not just your average Joe/ But I hope in my hindsight/ I’ll see and find a rose.” And he ends with a cocky half-laugh and says, “Yeah, that’s pretty intense stuff.”

You gotta understand I’m watching in little snippets by pausing a lot so I can jot down these thoughts and process what the hell I’m witnessing. Now here’s a guy clearly here “for the wrong reasons”. I’m sure his goal all along was to show off his voice in the hopes he gets discovered. This was potentially his last chance. I bet you anything he’s stood in line at American Idol competitions before. And he’s about as bad as those freaks, too.

My guess is Ali wants the date to end right now. That pitiful attempt at... something... sealed his fate.

***

But the date goes on. And Ali looks happy and is holding his hand. I can only hope this is out of sequence and occurred before the sunset serenade.

They’re at the American Museum of Natural History and they’ve got the run of the place. Or so they said. As they head into the dinosaur wing, we see someone in the background with a backpack on. And later on we see a group of people wandering by.

Why are they walking around in the dark carrying flashlights? Did the museum curators say, “We’ll let you in after hours to film your little national TV show with millions of viewers but we’re not turning on the lights”?

Batty Kasey lives up to his name at the stuffed gorilla. He starts ooh-ooh-ah-ing and beating his chest. He wants Ali to know he’s not your average guy. Mission accomplished, weirdo.

Ali laughs throughout, but let’s not forget that she thinks Frank, the Hyper Dweeb, is the funniest person she’s ever met in her entire life. It’s all about perspective, people.

Back at the hotel, a new date card arrives. Big Ears Ty reads the card. Seven lucky guys are going: Roberto (Clemente), Jesse (Tattoo), Ugly Craig, Origami Kirk (I can’t believe I still haven’t found another nickname for him), Jonathan the Weather Nerd, Big Ears himself, and Frank (Hyper Dweeb). The card says, “Let’s play.”

Back on the date, it’s rose time. Does Ali think about Batty Kasey as a potential husband? Good Lord, I hope not.

Ali doesn’t look convinced about Batty Kasey as he sits there spewing bullshit about guarding and protecting her heart. Ali says it’s like he’s reading a story because it’s just so perfect. (Remember, perspective, people.) He says, “It’s just my heart. Jump in. Stay a while.”

He’s shattering the record held by DeAnna for most times using the word “heart”. At least he doesn’t say “hort”.

I wish I had started counting from the beginning how many times he uses that saccharine phrase “guard and protect your heart” but it’s too late now. I’m not going back.

My dear Lord, this guy is a piece of work! A total phoney. He starts singing again. Does this work on women? I know a lot of women read this blog. If any of you were sung to like this in this context, wouldn’t alarm bells be ringing in your head? Is there anyone who would be charmed? Maybe I’m completely out to lunch on this, but I can’t believe it’d work on anyone.

Here are the lyrics to his most recent masterpiece:

"On the night that I first saw you
I was staring through black glass
And I knew at that first moment
That you and I would last

On the beach in California
You made me start to believe
And now in New York City
And it’s just you and me

And tonight you got a rose
And I don’t want to feel its thorns
And if you choose me,
Ali I’ll forever be yours”

Absolutely friggin’ awful. Am I right? It was also the same “tune” as the previous “song”.

Ali, to her credit, looks uncomfortable. And she says she’s having a hard time believing anything he says is real because it all sounds like lines to her. Oh, thank God. She may not know or understand what funny is, but at least she knows Krazy when she sees it.

She tells him she likes him and that he’s a great guy, but she worries the songs and everything aren’t real. He doesn’t seem genuine to her. And she can’t give him the rose. Oh no, she says “but I don’t want you to leave, either.” Oh, Ali. Send the phoney creep home. But at least there will be more laughs for a little while longer.

***

On the group date, we see Ali on a video screen in Times Square with the caption telling the guys to come find her. And the chase is on... Oh, there she is, across the street. Game over.

They’re at The Lion King theatre. Frank, the Hyper Dweeb, says he’s crazy about “this girl”, and to drive his point home, he says it with the craziest eyes I’ve ever seen. Doesn’t blink once.

The boys are put through an audition. First dancing then singing. Oh, too bad Batty Kasey wasn’t there! He’d nail it!

The Weather Nerd can’t carry a tune. Neither can Hyper Dweeb. Then Tattoo comes out and absolultey blows everyone away. Clemente tries to personalize it by singing right to Ali. And Ali loves it. But he’s horrible. The producer gets to pick, and he says he's looking for courage and truth so he gives the date to Roberto. Tattoo wuz robbed. Even more so when we learn that he’ll actually be in the show. Hopefully not singing.

***

Ah, judging by the costumes they’re put in, they couldn’t have picked Tattoo. It’s a Disney production. Also, I doubt there were any full-bodied tattoos on guys wearing loincloths in the story. (Lesson to you youngsters with acting aspirations. Tattoos limit the kinds of roles you can get.)

Crazy-Eyes (I think Frank/Hyper Dweeb just got a new nickname) really is crazy. His mantra is, “It’s going to kill me, pull yourself together, it’s going to kill me, pull yourself together.” Man, at least this experience is going to make a great screenplay that'll never get sold.

No matter what happens, I’m going to see The Lion King when it comes here this summer. I heard good things about it before, but now I really want to see it. Yes, I like musical theatre, okay? And no, I’m not gay.

Crazy-Eyes, aka “the funniest person in the world”, isn’t so funny watching Roberto and Ali make their Broadway debut. He looks like crap. It’s really eating him up inside. And outside. Meanwhile, the Weather Nerd is beating himself up. “What a dolt I am for not looking at Ali while I’m singing.” Yeah, like that would have cinched it. He is delusional. But he’s in TV so that goes without saying.

***

Crazy-Eyes Frank takes a sick Ali out in a rainstorm. He tones down the Crazy Eyes, but he’s a mess. Ali is still into him, though. You know, because he’s so funny. They engage in a long, steamy closed-mouth kiss.

Another date card arrives back at the hotel. There’s one more one-on-one date to come. Who will get it? Batty Kasey reads: the birthday boy Cape Cod Chris wins. “Let’s take a bite out of the Big Apple”.

Back at the group date, Ugly Craig continues to think he’s got a chance. Meanwhile, the Weather Nerd, who is about as insecure as any contestant in the history of this venerable series, deigns to interrupt Ugly Craig and Ali in the meekest way possible. And he gets turned back.

Origami Kirk proves there’s no such thing as altruism. He takes Ali aside and rightly tells her she needs to just get back to her room and rest. Fair enough. But he wants to be the one to take her upstairs and put her to sleep. We see right through you, buddy.

But first Ali needs to take care of the rose. Only she’s not going to. There will be no rose. Coward. That’s two dates in a row.

So up she goes, with Origami Kirk, who puts her to bed while Jonathan the Weather Nerd continues to beat himself up: “I’m an idiot.” We know that, Jonathan. But not for the reasons you think.

Up in Ali’s room, Kirk shows Frank how to kiss. I mean, Crazy-Eyes wasn’t there, but I’m sure he’ll see it on TV. Kirk follows his tongue into Ali’s germ-infested mouth. Ali whispers, “Thanks for looking out for me.” Is she serious? Man, she is the biggest Pollyanna. She can’t see through anyone.

***

Ali’s as sick as she’s ever been. She’s not up for her date with Cape Cod. She sends him a card. But all’s not lost. She wants to spend his birthday with him so she invites him to her suite. He shows up with flowers and soup. They have a sweet, unassuming conversation. Don’t know if the sparks are flying, but at least he’s not a freak.

Back in the guys’ room, Batty Kasey is missing. He’s doing something big. What could it be?! Oh yeah, a tattoo. Thanks, upcoming highlights. Yeah, that’ll prove he’s genuine. Those things don’t wash off.

***

Batty Kasey is getting a tattoo of a shield guarding a heart on the inside of his wrist. At least he’ll get multiple uses out of it when Ali inevitably dumps him because I’m sure it’s a line he uses on all the ladies.

Ali is feeling better so the date changes locales. Cape Cod will get a birthday on the town. They get a club to themselves and gourge on seafood. Chris brings up his mom again. Is that a warning sing, women? I’d think so. He worships her. I guess that could be taken two ways: 1. he’ll worship any woman in his life, or 2. no woman will ever match up to his mom.

Ali wants Chris to call his dad on his birthday. He puts him on speaker phone on national TV. Seems like a good guy and he’s got a good son. Still don’t know if he’ll go beyond “good friend” stage, but they have a nice little relationship building.

Back at the room, Batty Kasey returns with his wrist bandaged up and he concocts a tale of woe, saying he burned it and was in the hospital all day. He sounded convincing to me (warning bells again) but the Wrassler says, with a twinkle in his eyes, “I’m going on record and saying he’s a fibber.” Love the use of the word “fibber”. How can this guy be the bad guy?

Will Cape Cod Chris get a rose? For sure. There’s no way he doesn’t. And bingo, there it is. He gets the pity rose.

There’s one more thing, Ali tells him. They head up to the roof and some bloke is standing out there playing the guitar in front of a choir. But it’s not just any bloke. It’s (drum roll) JOSHUA RADIN! Ali’s favourite!... Um, can anyone tell me who Joshua Radin is? I’m sure this is just another case of Ali hyperbole again. There’s no way Crazy-Eyes Frank is the funniest person she’s ever met and there’s no way this guy is her favourite.

Actually, he’s not bad. I’ll have to check him out on iTunes. I’ll withhold judgment and make no more snarky remarks just because I’ve never heard of him.

More closed-lip kissing.

I wonder how many of these guys are going to catch her flu. Question: would it be poor form for one of the guys to not kiss her while she’s sick? Would that eliminate him right away? It wouldn't mean he doesn't love; it would just mean he's prudent.

***

Ugly Craig remains clueless. At the rose ceremony, he says, as they’re all sitting around, “We have a lot of great guys here... with the exception of Jason [Wrassler]”. And Batty Kasey cracks up. Seriously, if Ugly Craig can’t see the phoney psycho right in front of him for who he is, he’s hopeless. He’s as clueless as he is homely.

The Weather Nerd needs to make a quick impression. He has some depth, he tells us. He does other things; he’s not just some weather dude. So he whips out a guitar because chicks dig guitars and guys who know how to play them as witness every other contestant in the history of this show who tried. But we heard him sing at the audition and he’s beyond help.

He’s not quite as bad as at the audition, but he’s not good, either. He says he’s a “singer/songwriter”. Well, as the saying goes, don’t quit your day job.

I think the guitar schtick has pretty much run its course on this show. Can we all agree? I think Jonathan is the last to know. He says now that he’s sung that song for her, he’d be surprised if he didn’t get a rose. That simple, huh?

The Wrassler is going to call Batty Kasey out on his lies. Rated-R to the rescue! Bring it on.

***

Kasey really might be the craziest contestant ever. He says there’s so much heart and passion in the tattoo. He is so earnest in his delusions it’s frightening.

As much as I’m on side with the Wrassler, when he says if someone is able to lie to a bunch of guys they’re in the house with, they’ll be able to lie to Ali, I question his memory. Perhaps he's been pile-driven once too many times. Um, wasn’t that charge levelled against him just last week when he hobbled over to Ali’s house and he said he was sleeping? Still, he’s not the lunatic that Batty Kasey is.

The Wrassler says to Kasey, “Prove me wrong. Prove you have a burn mark on your hand.” And Kasey, caught in the headlights of this oncoming locomotive that is Rated-R, says, “What’s that have to do with anything?” Good comeback. Then he stares uncomfortably long at the Wrassler, who, he should be reminded, is a professional fake athlete. Not the wisest move.

Kasey runs to the other guys and says he’s being picked on (essentially). The Wrassler reiterates that Kasey’s been lying. Kasey, who apparently has been programmed, says, “I came here to guard and protect her heart.” Then he rolls up his sleeve and reveals his ridiculous ink work.

This is the turning point for old Kasey. The guys think he’s getting crazier by the minute. Unfazed, Kasey tells us the guys loved it. He says they thought it was very inspiring and they respect him for doing something like that, forgetting that there were cameras all around and the other guys were interviewed individually, too.

Now the moment of truth. Kasey meets with Ali. He gives her candy and yammers away. He wants to begin fresh, he says. Ali looks scared. He starts to tell her about the tattoo, but doesn’t get to it in time before Crazy-Eyes Frank steals Ali away. Priceless! He looks devastated. I actually feel a little sorry for him now. Just a little.

And now Chris breaks up the party. It’s rose time. Well, after these words from our sponsors.

***

There are eleven guys left. Cape Cod Chris already has a rose and there will be eight more handed out. So that leaves two guys out in the cold. Who will they be?

• 2.Origami Kirk (help me out with a nickname, for God’s sake)
• 3. Crazy-Eyes Frank (formerly Hyper Dweeb)
• 4. Ugly Craig. Ugh. Lee. Craig.
  
• 5. Chris N., whoever he is. Everytime I saw his face tonight, I said, “Who’s that guy?” Let me go check what I called him last week... Ah, yes, it’s Magic. And that was some disappearing act this week.
• 6. Roberto Clemente
• 7. The Wrassler! Yay!
• 8. Big Ears Ty

Paused here while I contemplate who’s left and who I think will get the final rose. We’ve got Tattoo, Weather Nerd and Batty Kasey. Well, it’s a no-brainer, isn’t it? Even though I don’t see her with a guy covered in ink, Tattoo is by far the best one of those three. Although the Weather Nerd might be her kinda guy. But I’m calling Tattoo. I see there’s still 12 minutes left in the show so I’m sure there’s some drama left. Let’s see what she does:

• 9. Kasey.

Yeah. Right. There’s no way this was her decision. You just know the producers had something to do with this.

She tells Tattoo that she didn’t think they matched up. He takes it well. He thinks it’s the fact he’s a country boy that scared her away from him. I think it was the ink. The Weather Nerd says he feels like she didn’t get to know him. The one time he thought he was getting a rose and he didn’t. He’s dumbfounded. I think it was the guitar. Among many other things. Oh well, he’ll always have the weather.

Next up: Iceland. I’d love to go there. Crazy-Eyes says, not surprisingly, he’s an emotional disaster. Ali has the quote of the season next week when she says, “The only thing Kasey has to be is be normal.” Ain’t gonna happen, sweetheart. But what difference does it make? She kept him around when he wasn’t normal this week, too. She’s spineless. Stringing guys like that along is never a good idea. And sure enough, next week he says, “If I get sent home, that’s going to destroy me.” Actually, maybe they make a good couple in hyperbole.

Okay, I gotta get some sleep. See you next week. Oh, there are two polls over there in the left panel. Make sure you vote!