Week 4: A black eye on the franchise

Well, here we are again. Another non-edition of the non-blog. Hope you're not enjoying it. I feel warmed by the odd comments I'm getting. I just got my first Bachelor-related press release in last week's non-entry. Oh sure, I stop blogging and now they come to me. I guess playing hard to get really does work. To save you from going back and viewing it, I'll reprint it here:

David Good Book Signing and Bachelor Viewing Party!

Monday, January 31st, 7pm to 11pm

Reality TV personality David Good got a second chance on ABC’s "Bachelor Pad" this summer (which he won!) after being on Season 5 of "The Bachelorette".

These days, he’s hoping the world gives him a first chance as an author of his newly released book, The Man Code: A Woman’s Guide To Cracking The Tough Guy.

As unlikely a messenger may seem, his book gives women a look under the hood, and how it pertains to relationships from the boardroom to the bedroom – helping them crack the code to understanding "men's men"!

Free Hour Open Bar from 7pm to 8pm and Drink Specials all night!

Village Pourhouse
64 Third Ave (at 11th Street)
New York, NY 10003
www.villagepourhouse.com
212.979.2337

So if any of the readers here are in the New York area and have long wondered what a psychopath looks like in person, there you go. Glad to know the movers and shakers of the Manhattan book publishing world know we exist.

Now, on with the show and my ever-increasing random thoughts. (God, I hope this doesn't turn into a real blog post!):

* Did they cast this season from a celebrity look-alike agency? Check out these photos and tell me they don't resemble the contestants.

We've got Elizabeth Hurley (Crazy Michelle 2.0)










Neve Campbell (dearly departed Meghan)










Dolly Parton (sweet, tortured Emily) – Okay, it's more her sweet Southern personality she resembles








Shannon Doherty (Tough as Rubber Nails Chantal)










a brunette Jenny McCarthy (Alli)









Nancy McKeon (funereal Shawntel).











* So Crazy Michelle 2.0 wakes up with a black eye. How is that possible? Poor darling. Oh wait, she basically reveals how she got it when she says, "Who wakes up with a black eye? So I deserve a one-on-one date." Now the question is, how did she give herself one? Where are the cameras when you need them?

* Anyone notice the continuity problem on the first one-on-one date? A red and yellow helicopter picks Brad and Chantal up and flies them off. They wear green headphones. When we come back from commercial, they're in a blue and greyish chopper with no headphones.

* Do we really need to overcome our totally rational fears in order to fall in love? I understand overcoming irrational ones, but there's very good reason to be afraid of walking on the ocean floor or rappelling down the side of a skyscraper. Chantel, who's really afraid of the deep sea, said, "If I don't do something that scares me, it'll show him I'm not willing to take chances for him." Seriously? I'm sure he'll use that to his advantage if he ever gets the chance to poke her in the bum: "C'mon, baby. If you really loved me, you'd let me."

* How old is Brad? Is he aging fast or what? If he's only in his 30s, he's going to look ancient in his 40s.

* The group date is in the studio with the narcissistic man of medicine, Dr. Drew. They make it seem like they're all going to be guests on his radio show, but nope. They just use the studio as a backdrop to plug his show. Nobody was speaking into a microphone and it wasn't on air. At least not what we saw, even though Dr. Drew's cohost did a fake intro for them. Even Dr. Drew, who scrapes the bottom of the barrel with his Celebrity Rehab show, wouldn't stoop so low as to have these fake relationships on Love Line. The man clearly has standards.

* During the chat, bartender Stacey revealed she cheated on a guy in college. In a shocking development, Stacey wasn't given a rose this week.

* Maybe I'm too anal (not that way, despite the above comment), but I'd just like to hear the rules up front. Is that too much to ask for? Wouldn't we all be better served? Alli sits down with Brad and gets interrupted almost immediately. Why can't she refuse? Why can't Brad be a man and step up, telling the interloper (Ashley S.) that he'll talk to her in a bit? But we get a hint of those rules when Ashley S. herself was interrupted pretty quickly and says, "That's the name of the game."

* Ashley H. is the dentist. Do you think it hurts or helps her career that she's on national television admitting that she's emotionally unstable?

* Crazy Michelle 2.0 is so obviously acting. And poorly, too. She's so over-the-top obnoxious I refuse to believe she's a real person.

* On her well-deserved black eye one-on-one date, she's whisked off in a helicopter and loves it. She calls it exhilarating, admiring the beautiful scenery. Then when the 'copter lands on a skyscraper, she claims she's really afraid of heights and freaks out. Would she be so comfortable in a helicopter if she's so deathly afraid of heights? Or did she want to play up a fake fear of heights in order to show Brad that she was totally doing this just for him? Not ten feet down the side of the building she laughs. She conquered her fears pretty damn quickly, I'd say.

* Seeing them wear helmets as they rappelled down the tower reminded me of the Jerry Seinfeld joke about the use of helmets in skydiving: "What is the point of the helmet in the skydiving? I mean, can you kinda make it? You jump out of that plane and that chute doesn't open, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet's talking with the other helmets going 'It's a good thing that he was there or I would have hit the ground directly.'"

* Funniest line of the night goes to Brad (to Crazy Michelle 2.0): "You're a mature woman." Funny on so many levels because a) she's not at all, b) he has no idea, or c) it was a shot at her crow's feet (she's the oldest one there).

* No sooner after wondering if Brad might be the kissiest Bachelor in history does he tell his therapist he takes things really slow, even with kissing, which is a big deal to him. That's Brad forgetting this whole ordeal is televised.

* I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that the therapist Brad sees has no female clients. Yeah, Brad, it's totally natural to have feelings for multiple women, and what's more, you should go for it. He stopped just short of saying you don't buy a car without taking it for a test drive.

* I couldn't believe the gnashing of teeth over the pity picnic for Emily at the cocktail party. Chantal, who seemed so together, completely lost it.

* Throughout the show I kept seeing glimpses of women I had no recollection ever seeing before. Of course they didn't speak. Yet despite all these anonymous faces, only three gals were sent home this week. Cut to the chase, producers! Let's keep this thing moving and drop some of these forgettable head cases.

* So far we've had a karaoke date with a girl who can't sing, a deep sea walk with a girl afraid of the water, and a office tower rappel with a girl afraid of heights. Coincidence? You might think so unless you watched the upcoming highlights. Next week, The Bachelor franchise sinks to new depths by taking Sweet Tortured Emily to a car racing track. Brad says, "Something's wrong with Emily." Gee, really? Hmm, I wonder why that would be. A black eye, indeed.

Comments? Yes, please.

Week 3: The Toothless Vampire

I mentioned I'm not blogging this season, right? Good. Just so we're on the same page.

But random comments by me (and you) can be found here each week when I get around to watching, which, this week, was Tuesday night:

* Is there no communication between Brad and the producers when deciding on a date? Clearly, Brad didn't choose to go on the most expensive karaoke date ever and book "Mr. Seal" as the surprise guest. That's something the producers agreed to in order to jumpstart Seal's career, never once stopping to ask Brad if he can, you know, carry a tune. That was just an embarrassing display of singing. And considering Ashley the Nanny has been terrified of singing before anyone her whole life, you have to ask yourself why this happened at all.

* Now I know why agent for Mr. Seal approached the show: I've been humming that damned song for two hours now and I don't foresee a quick coda.

* I like Ashley the Nanny. She felt like her deceased father, who loved the song, was there singing along with them. Presumably as he was rolling over in his grave.

* Does anyone like the play-acting we have to endure each season? This time it was an action "movie".

* Speaking of play-acting, I get the very real sense that Hideous Beauty Michelle (are all Michelles jealous sociopaths or just the ones on this series?) is playing a role. It's way too over the top. There has been zero consequence for any of the previous "villains" in past seasons, so there's no down side to be bat-shit crazy. More screen time, and you can always blame the editors for giving you a bad edit.

* When the Seattle Tough Chick got all verklempt with Brad, nobody interrupted her. Which just goes to show the producers are behind all the interruptions. Shocking, I know.

* Last week I wrote that according to this show, "all southern belles are widowed single moms who are the salt of the earth." I completely forgot the other parallel to the last one (anyone remember her name?): both of them lost their husbands in a plane crash. What are the odds? Emily was brave to take that little plane with Brad. I wouldn't have. (As an aside, she kinda reminds me of Dolly Parton, without the lung capacity.)

* I really like Shawntel the Funeral Director. At least what I've seen so far. She really reminds me of someone but can't quite figure out who. The only name I can come up with is Jo from The Facts of Life.

* In what world is the Vampire a model? The netherworld, maybe.

* Therapy must really work. After just two minutes with his L.A. therapist, Brad "finally reached the turning point".

* Did the Toothless Vampire selflessly take herself out of the running, or did she realize she had no chance and wanted to save herself the embarrassment of the roseless walk of shame? Methinks the latter.

* Sarah the Rejected Real Estate Broker's running mascara was a thing of beauty and a joy forever. I don't want to poke fun of any pain she might be feeling, but I'm sure she's over it now and she and her family and friends all shared a mighty guffaw over her impeccable Lucille Ball impression.

That's all. I'll be back to not blog about next week's episode. Until then.

Week 2: Brad hasn't quit yet

Still not posting... still not posting... still not posting.

But while I'm here, it's amazing the loonies they get each and every season, isn't it? Do they know ahead of time which ones will be psycho crazy? Or is it just luck of the draw?

I thought each of the one-on-one dates (the dentist and the artist) were both good, but I think the dentist is probably better suited for the 2-time Bachelor. Jackie's just too cute, young and naive. Brad described her as sophisticated but she looks like a flighty, artsy tomboy to me. In a good sense.

Don't remember too much of anyone else but I did notice he kept the vampire around another week because, you know, he's serious about finding a wife.

More atrocious and ridiculous fake acting on the group date and I see they're going to be doing more fake acting in an upcoming episode. Because that never gets old. Can't wait till they break out the helicopter.

It was nice to see whatserface and whatsisname again. God, I'm bad with names. Roberto is the guy... Oh, and Ali. Is that the correct spelling? I hate to be catty but someone should tell Ali that slacks are a nice option.

Glad the two drama queens made a quick exit. One more to go with the Utah beauty. I can't believe they made her spend her 30th birthday on national TV filming a public service announcement for the Red Cross, those rat bastards. If I've learned one thing from watching this show over the years is that drop-dead gorgeous women are Trouble with a capital T, that rhymes with B, which stands for Bitch. And that all southern belles are widowed single moms who are the salt of the earth.

Oh, and my pet peeve – duplicate names. I say it each season. There really is no need for contestants with the same name. Surely there's a large pool of candidates. If they find they have two with the same first name, tell one of them they'll invite them back to the next season. Either that or call one of them by their middle name. But it's too confusing with a room full of strangers. It's hard enough keeping up with the ones with different names.

That's all I got. Thanks to my loyal readers Jenn and Anonymous for their comments. Keep 'em coming. Surely you guys have more to say than I gave you.