Bachelor Ben: Are you kidding me?

And we're back. Nice comments last week (and tonight – if I knew how to do real-time blogging, I would. That would be fun). Keep 'em coming!

A friend of mine said last week that Bachelor Ben looks like he has bottled-up rage and that it will most like rear its ugly head sometime this season. I just can't believe it. Does anyone else see that in him? The closest we've seen of it was when he got jilted at the final rose ceremony last season. He got understandably angry but handled himself thoughtfully and with dignity. But it sure would be fun to see him unload at some point.

The only hint of detachment from reality was when he said, in explaining what brought him back to the show, "it worked for me once." Did I miss that? Was that season unaired? I distinctly recall it quite clearly not working for him once.

Also this week, my wife entered in her first ever office Bachelor pool. She had her choice of 18 women to choose from and she chose... Jenna the Unstable Blogger! Thanks for coming out. There's two bucks down the drain. What was she thinking? I thought she read this blog. Jenna had about as much chance of winning as Jake and Vienna have of getting back together.

Tonight's episode didn't thrill me. Or maybe it was just Sonoma that put me to sleep. Ben brought all the girls to his hometown right off the bat, although he didn't introduce any of them to his family. I don't know how that's even possible since I'm sure we saw the entire population of Sonoma in this episode.

Kacie the Kutie got the first date of the season. It's always tough this early in the proceedings to know who's who, save for the crazies (which may be why some people opt to go for a larger than life persona). I'm constantly referring to last week's notes to jog my memory, and also compare it to how I thought of them last week. Looking over my chicken scratch, I see I gave Kacie a check mark. Good news for Kacie: she kept it this week despite revealing herself to be a master baton twirler. At least she seemed to have a good sense of humour about it.

The lowlight of the date – and the show – was when Ben and Kacie sat in the empty town cinema and watched home movies. I mean, it's always cute to see adults as kids but I'm a little sick of the maudlin death stuff every season. I watch this reality show to escape from reality, not to be constantly reminded of our mortality. And it also depressed me no end to find out Kacie was three years old in 19-freakin'-89. That's not right.

Next up was the group date with twelve gals. Ben arranged for them to audition for a bunch of kids who had written a fairy tale. And then the group performed the play in full costume at the Sonoma Community Theatre [sic] in front of a packed house. Between this night and the previous stroll around the town, all I could think was Sonoma sure is a happening place.

Pouring over my notes from last week, I see that Jennifer went from an X to a check mark in my book. Nicki kept the highly coveted check mark. Well done, girls.

At the after party, it was Blakely's time to shine. I dubbed her Flakely in my notes before someone else did, fyi. But in retrospect, I don't know how fake she is. She seems to be presenting herself the same to the other girls, to us, and to Ben: an overly aggressive cougar with an inner forearm tattoo to rival the crazy Kasey, aka King Ding-a-Ling.

I thought Blakely was too aggro for the passive Ben but I guess he goes for that. He surprised us all when he gave her the group date rose. Hey, why not? I can totally see them live happily ever after, can't you? Blakely could get a job as a VIP cocktail waitress at the local Sonoma diner.

Jennifer lost some points when she cried about not getting the rose but she still gets to keep the check mark for now. But she's on probation.

The next one-on-one date went to Courtney, the model. She turned off the crazy and looked and acted somewhat normal. But something was not quite right. She never really said anything of substance but she sounded like she did. It was weird. Ben would ask her a question and she'd start to answer then change the subject and it sounded like she answered but she didn't. And when they kissed, it seemed hot and heavy, but she managed to keep her distance by keeping those lips pretty close together. I hate to say it, but I think she might not be there for the right reasons! Hey, someone had to say it first.

What is it with nice guys on this show that they go for the crazy beauties? I get it, actually. In real life, Ben would never get a sniff of a model or be anywhere near a VIP cocktail waitress so it's thrilling for him. They are bucket list roses. But poor, sweet Ben really thinks Courtney could be the one. "She's the whole package: smart, pretty, drop-dead gorgeous, psychotic." Okay, maybe he didn't say it quite that way.

Courtney proved that not all models are bad actresses. When Ben asked how she could possibly be single, she played the old "I guess I'm just picky" card. Wow, nice save, Courtney! She also had the line of the night when she said, "I'm just doing me for a while." While probably no pun was intended, one was certainly taken.

While walking through the forest, Courtney the Model looked like maybe her specialty is as a hand model. Or it could be the boots that made her legs look like giant redwood trunks amongst the giant redwood trees.

And as soon as the producers got Courtney in front of the interview camera, she popped a crazy pill and revealed her nut-job side.

At the final cocktail party, Lindzi wooed Ben by telling him she drives a truck and usually wears dirt for make-up. Then Jenna tried to one-up her by stammering, "I'm a guy... I'm not like a girl." In her defense, she's a writer; not an orator. Give her time and a thesaurus and I'm sure she'd come up with something better. But it sure is comical watching her beat herself up over her miscues. Again, I'm almost positive alcohol played a role here but still, are you going to want to choose a woman who gets all verklempt every time she has a drink? Probably not, which is why no one in their right mind would choose her in a Bachelor pool. Right, hon?

Meanwhile, the rest of the crew had pretty much enough of Blakely, driving the 34-year-old cocktease waitress into hiding. She found a corner and hid behind some luggage. At first I thought she was crying but when Ben found her, her face wasn't streaked, her eyes weren't red. No sign of tears at all. She was just crouched behind a suitcase. Makes me wonder what she was really doing. Then on his way back to the party, Ben heard the sobbings of Jenna, who was under the covers in bed. He led her back down to the rose ceremony where he ceremoniously dumped her. Good-bye toonie.

With Kacie, Blakely and Courtney already rosed up, there were 13 more to hand out. Does it usually go this slowly? They only eliminated two this week. Advancing were Jennifer, Emily, Elyse, Jacklyn, Erica, Rachel, Lindzi, Nicki, Casey, Samantha, Monica, Jamie and Brittney, about half of whom got zero face time this week so they were almost total strangers to me. Jenna, as mentioned, got the boot, as did someone named Shawn, I think.

As Jenna walked away, my first thought was that it was good for her career to be off this sinking ship as soon as possible. The less damage the better. She should have walked out without saying a word, but she couldn't help herself. Holding onto her boobs (maybe they were tender, which might explain the emotions), she blubbered. But tears were not enough. She also said, "I'm in shock. I came here looking for love, I did. Ugh. I feel sick. These girls distracted him. These girls are good, I know. I just can't believe... Oh my gosh. Are you kidding me? (then quietly and seriously) No, really, are you kidding me? I can't believe this is happening. I'm mortified. I think I deserve love. I have always been trying to find it. [incoherent] pretend this never happened; it was a mistake."

I always feel for the emotionally unstable ones. It's got to be tough going back to reality with all your friends and family, not to mention strangers on the street, worried for your mental health. I wish nothing but the best for her. In fact, how about we start a campaign: Jenna for Bachelorette!

Next week they're going from Sonoma to San Francisco. The producers are pulling out all the stops! What's next, Sacramento?

See you next week.

Bachelor Ben: A blogger's shame

Happy New Year, Bachelor friends. We are back. Let's see if I remember how to do this.

And while I feel a certain amount of shame for blogging about this ridiculous show, my title refers to another blogger. But we'll get to her.

Ben is back. And unlike every Bachelorette in franchise history, there was no make-over on his return. Although maybe it looks like he's worked out in the weight room. Seems a bit more buff. In catching up with him, he let us know he got over his heartbreak by focussing on work in the, what?, three days he had between seasons. Ah, minutes into the show and we're reminded how full of it everyone involved with it is.

At least we got to relive his humiliating defeat from last season one more time, when he got down on one knee and asked Ashley to marry him before being denied. So he was buffed then rebuffed. Oh, I never tire of seeing that epic, awkward fail. Will someone please add a laugh track to it and send it to America's Funniest Home Videos. Please? And judging from the upcoming season highlights, that might not be his last public humiliation. But we know how the editors love to tease us. Hell, they almost had me thinking a limping grandmother was one of the contestants this time around. Turns out she was just the chaperone for her grand-daughter, Brittney.

But Brittney wasn't the only one with a gimmicky entrance. Lindzi went one step further than the already gimmicky spelling of her pedestrian name: She passed up a ride in the limo for an easy amble onto the property atop Levi, her horse. I don't know if the gimmicky entrances work but they're no worse than the painful rehearsed opening lines. My favourite unique entrance was from the sultry student Anna, who was the first in history to walk right by without saying a word. Gutsy move, as Ben yelled at her. She's the Suzanne Somers in American Grafitti of The Bachelor.

In that hilariously humiliating clip from last season, we heard what I think might be the best quote in franchise history, when Ben said, "Good things don't end unless they end badly." That quote has it all: heart, depth, philosophy, good grammar. So it was nice to hear Jenna, a freelance writer (or "blogger", as the graphics put it), mention it in her opening words to Ben. She put her own stamp on it, though: "Good things end badly." Hey, she's a writer, not a talker.


Or rather, she's a blogger. And the star of the show so far. By far. Before we met all 25 of the ladies, we were shown vignettes of nine of them. I made snap decisions on your behalf so you'll know who to cheer for. In the 'check' column, I put Lindzi the Lippizzaner, Kacie the Knoxville Kutie, Jamie the Rock, and Nicki the Divorcée. For the record, all four advanced to the next round. The Blogger (pictured above, I'm guessing, as it's the lead image on her blog) was not on this list.

In the 'cross' column, I put Amber T for Tomboy, Courtney the Sexy Model, Lyndsie the London Derrière, Shawn the Phoenix Phinancial Planner, and, yes, Jenna the Carrie Bradshaw Wannabe. And two of those didn't advance. Out of the other five that were sent packing, I only regret Dianna, a funny and cute gal from somewhere in California. And maybe Anna because I liked her walk-by of Ben.

I was disappointed in the only Canadian. Amber Bacon was a little too brash, a little too Wrassler. The two Canucks would make a good team. Maybe she could be his wrestling manager. Once eliminated, though, she lost the crazy eyes and her soft side shone through.

I've got an early morning ahead of me so I'll keep this short. The highlights centred around Jenna, who is the designated unstable kook. When I saw her vignette, something seemed off but I couldn't put my finger on it. Oh yeah, she's a writer. Nuff said. She was attractive but that means nothing on this show. Or, I guess, in life. Turns out my spidey senses were bang on. She's certifiable. This is a woman who apparently gives relationship advice on her blog The Over-Analyst. I wonder how that will work out for her now. Night One and she's a total wreck, sobbing uncontrollably because one of the girls doesn't like her. Okay, I'm pretty sure alcohol played a sizable role in it, but that in itself is another big ole red flag.

She had some great lines, but what else would you expect from a woman of letters? Try these on for size:

• To Monica: "Maybe we can share a tampon sometime."
• Ben: "It's nerve-wracking. Trust me, I get it." Jenna: "Do you really?"
• "I don't want him to think I'm a mess." (Yeah, best to save that for later.)

Jenna's arch-nemisis was Monica, a 33-year-old dental hygienist from Santa Monica. The cackling blonde was unflappable in the face of the overwrought Blogger. It was quite funny, actually. And so was her gutter mouth. Add to all this her lesbian tendencies and what's not to love? She snuggled up to the womanly Blakely, a VIP cocktail waitress (nudge nudge, wink wink), and whispered sweet somethings into her ear: "I love girls... You're in my life forever... You're beautiful, you're amazing... You know I need your number, right?..." That's what I'm tawkin' abowt!

It's clear the producers are still advising the Bachelor on who to pick. After the first impression rose (to Lindzi), Ben handed out 17 roses. An odd number, no? My guess is he got to choose 15 of them and the producers told him to select Monica and Jenna. There's no other rational explanation. I'm against this practice 100%, let me make that perfectly clear. But in this case, I secretly am giddy about it.

So that's about it. It looks like we'll have lots of high drama and unintentional comedy this season. See you here next week.

BP 2, episode 6: The Bachelor Pad Dilemma

Whew! We made it. It's over! And there's sweet freedom until January 2, 2012, when lovable jilted Ben makes his debut as The Bachelor. In the meantime, let's talk about this entertaining train wreck of a show that became even more entertaining when I got my way and King Ding-a-Ling and his Drama Queen were finally given ye olde boote.

It was an episode where sultry Michelle unveiled her innocent schoolgirl look in a last-ditch effort to prove to the world she's not the unstable psycho she appeared to be on an earlier season of The Bachelor, nor the family-wrecker she was reported to be (see number 7 on this list) in gossip pages. It's no surprising she and Graham hit it off. She apparently has a thing for basketball players.

It was an episode in which Chris Harrison stated that "it's all about relationships here at the Bachelor Pad." Hypocrite. Most of the contestants come on as singles. And in fact, the winning relationship wasn't even an existing relationship, except in the sense that any two people who know each other have a relationship. Holly, who had a thing for creepy Blake throughout the show, finally hooked up with him. As in she's moving to South Carolina to live with him. As in they're engaged. Yet she is partnered up with her ex-fiancé Michael. (Which one of you didn't answer Holly as she excitedly cooed to Blake, "We're gonna get married?" after he proposed to her on camera, with "Uh, not if your past engagement is any indication, you're not"?)

It was an episode where we learned this all took place over three weeks. Three weeks! Blake and Holly didn't even know each other on day one. So they had a little flirty thing going, then hung out for a few more weeks after taping, then got engaged. Yeah, this has 'till death do us part' written all over it.

It was an episode where Graham admitted he was "literally pissing down [his] leg." Literally.

It was an episode where perhaps one of the dumbest and least witty contestants in both Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad history, King Ding-a-Ling, bragged, "I'm smart. I'm witty." Then later Gia backed him up, saying he was the smartest guy in the house. Keep in mind Gia is a swimsuit model and in her world, Kermit would pass as a rocket scientist.

Oops, did I say Kermit? Sorry. He revealed he has a speech impediment that makes him mumble and swallow his words and sound like Kermit the Frog. My bad. I'll no longer refer to him as Kermit. From here on out, it's only King Ding-a-Ling.

It was an episode where the southern belle Ella feared for her life strapped in a harness 100 feet in the air in Las Vegas at the theatre where Cirque du Soleil performs the very same feat every single night without incident because, "Sorry, but I don't trust harnesses." I know, right?

It was an episode where the four remaining teams were judged in a very difficult and scary artistic endeavour not by expert choreographers or performers but by three members of the vast Bachelor family: Tristin, Jason and Ali. Because, you know, they know art. And they have no biases whatsoever, and couldn't possibly be bought off by the show that gave them a career. Nope, completely on the up and up. (Their expertise was driven home when, after an impressive aerial display by Holly and Michael, Judge Jason says, "Wow! Are you guys a couple now?")

It was an episode where the bought-off judges got to eliminate the worst pair: Ella and Kirk. Poor Ella. She really needed that $250,000 to raise her son. Now she'll have to get a job. That sucks.

It was an episode where one member of the Power Couple brow-beat the other, and the other went off and pouted... Oh wait, that's the same as every other episode.

It was an episode where the challenge winners, Holly and Michael, got to choose their final opponents and send the others home. And after what seemed like forever (but my blog post title suggests is only six weeks), King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen finally got their come-uppance. The other finalists would be the formerly wacko Michelle and her new basketball-playing beau Graham.

The live portion of the evening was entertaining. We learned many things:

Ames, who ran off to console and be with the love of his life, Jackie, upon her elimination, quickly dumped the heart-broken Jackie soon after real life gave him a wake-up call. I figured it was because he wanted to be single in the off-chance the show offers him the role of the next Bachelor. Now that Ben has been named, maybe Ames will get back with the heart-broken Jackie.

King Ding-a-Ling offered a mea culpa and actually came off both sincere and, dare I say it, likable. He apologized for his actions in general and to Jake in particular. He also kept saying the relationship he saw on screen with Vienna was not one he wanted to be in. It was cryptic, to say the least. Chris Harrison said he was confused about where he stood with Lady V and frankly so was I. I was kinda pulling for another public break-up for her, but that's the romantic in me.

Michael was blind-sided with the news that his partner, and gal of his dreams, Holly, was now engaged to Blake the Snake. He seemed upset at first but quickly let it go and reverted to the old happy-go-lucky Michael that we grew to find so annoying on The Bachelorette. But Holly seemed to like the old carefree Michael more. I think we're all hoping for a Holly & Michael reunion at some point, aren't we? I mean, New York over South Carolina, right?

Knowing what we know, and what I had forgotten from last season, that the BP rejects vote on which team they want to advance, does it make any sense whatsoever for next year's cast to backstab each other and be jerks like they were this season? Last year, when this was all new, nobody knew how the final would play out. But let's not forget it for next season. Or maybe the writers will come up with another formula (as they probably should). Because even King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen seemed to know that, had they made it to the final, nobody would have voted for them. How is that smart strategy to alienate the whole house when that very house will have the final say on you winning or losing?

Holly & Michael received the needed eight votes (Jake, Blake, Erica, Jackie, Ames, Justin, Ella and Gia – with the exception of the Snake, all the good people on the show), while Graham & Michelle received four votes (Drama Queen, King Ding-a-Ling, Melissa and William – with the exception of William, the deranged people on the show).

And then it got down to the classic game theory with the Prisoner's Dilemma, the writers having taken psychology in high school. Holly and Michael each had to choose, in private, whether they wanted to share the total money or keep it all for themselves. If they both chose 'share', as they did last season, they'd each be $125,000 richer (minus about $100,000 they'll have to pay in taxes and agent fees). If one chooses 'keep' and one chooses 'share', the one who chose 'keep' gets it all. If they both are greedy bastards and choose 'keep', then the quarter million is divided up between the other 13 losers, who'd become winners to the tune of $19,230.76 apiece.

And that's possibly a flaw in the whole BP ethos of relationships: Everyone chooses 'share'. If they were assigned teammates, or had to draw teammates names out of a hat, and there was conflict within the team, then maybe there'd be some real drama. Then wouldn't it be fun trying to guess if they'd pick 'keep' or 'share'? We knew that both Michael and Holly are decent people and would do the right thing. And if it's a real couple, like Graham & Michelle or, heaven forbid, King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen, then of course they're going to share. I can't envision a scenario where the teammates wouldn't share the money. But if, say, Jake and Vienna were assigned each other, how would that play out? Exciting, no?

But hey, it's not about the money. It's not about winning. It's about relationships and doing the right thing. They're all winners.

Except King Ding-a-Ling and the Drama Queen.

(Okay, I'll let it go. As I said, Kasey actually seemed remorseful and Vienna had softened. They're winners, too. Group hug!)

See you in January.