Bachelor Ben: Model behaviour

Better late than later. I finally got around to watching this week's episode and wasn't it a doozy? Courtney was the focal point, as per her plan going into this thing, Blakely continues her magical transformation from vixen to virgin, Nicki's adenoids were acting up, Elyse pulled out all the stops, and Emily turned over an old leaf.

This week found the gang in Puerto Rico. I've never understood territories, either in Canada or the US. Why isn't the Yukon a province yet it's represented in the House of Commons? Wikipedia tells me that Puerto Rico's head of state is the President of the United States. It's so confusing. When what's-his-face tells everyone if they don't get the rose on a one-on-one date, they're going to get on a plane and go back to the United States, I'm left scratching my head. If it walks like a state and passes laws like a state, it must be a state, right? Its flag is the star and stripes, for crying out loud! Aw, forget about it. We've got bigger fish to fry here.

Nicki got the first one-on-one date. Setting herself up as either a free spirit or colourblind, she wears bright yellow fingernail polish and red toenail polish. But it works. Ben was quite annoying on this date, constantly trying to show off his knowledge and abilities. He speaks full Spanish to the street vendor, throws in the odd word in casual conversation ("It's raining gatos"), and while overhearing some neighbouring wedding music tells Nicki they're playing Pachelbel's Canon. Only I can't be certain he pronounced it right. I replayed it a couple times and it sounded like "Papa Bell's Cannon." I know he's a baseball fan and James Bell had quite the arm from centre field, but did it sound like music?

Ben said he liked Nicki's flexibility. It's a real turn-on, he admitted. Hey, who wouldn't? But it's not what you think. While out walking, the skies opened up and they were drenched. She just carried right on as if... well, as if she was trying to impress the guy she was dating while millions watched and judged at home. Yeah, she's so easy-going.

While getting to know each other, the jaded divorcée said she was all for living together. We have no idea if Ben believes in shacking up before marriage because he doesn't say. Afterall, this date – nay, this season – isn't about Ben opening up; it's about his women opening up. He can remain aloof and mysterious. But I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's okay with it.

It was at this point I noticed how nasal her voice is. Maybe that explained her red nose, though.

Nicki explains her breakup and makes it all so understandable. Afterall, she and her ex were just two different people than they were when they first got married ... almost three whole years before. A person changes in almost three years. It's a proven fact. That's good enough for simple Ben. He roses her right then and there. (I'm lobbying the OED to include 'rose' as a verb.)

What the hell is up with Blakely's transformation? The girls back at the house are sitting around wondering who will get the only other one-on-one date and Elyse tells her point blank she doesn't deserve another date, setting up a classic cat fight that should represent a 3-episode arc, but Blakely rolls with it good-naturedly. Bring back Bad Blakely!

As it turns out, Blakely doesn't get the one-on-one (it goes to Elyse), but she and everyone else get a group date. They don their sports gear and head to Roberto Clemente Stadium, named for a famous baseball player whose name escapes me. Maybe Papa Bell. When Blakely tells us she's psyched, it's a prime opportunity for Bad Blakely to make an appearance. She says it's the perfect date for her: she played in high school and college (who knew bartending colleges fielded teams?). "I'm super-athletic," she bragged, reminding one of a cocky Vienna before she failed miserably at whatever it was she was supposed to be awesome at. But guess what? Blakely really was good.

But there was still hope for the reemergence of Bad Blakely. They were given uniforms for their big match against each other (red vs blue) and Blakely was the only one who turned hers into a little half-shirt. Because that's what super-athletes wear. Let's go, Bad Blakely! You can do it! Courtney had the line of the night, marvelling at Blakely's abilities: "Who knew strippers could play baseball?"

And then, after Jennifer struck out and Blakely's team lost 10-9 in extra innings, Bad Blakely chastised her distraught teammates: "I wanted this so bad. I busted my ass out there because I thought I was hoping you guys wanted it just as bad." Oh, such potential and nothing. Or nada, as Ben would say.

(Incidentally, on that last strikeout, the catcher dropped the ball and didn't tag Jennifer so she technically wasn't out. Except I guess she did go off the baseline when she moped off the field.)

And when the requisite helicopter landed on the field to whisk the champs off to a beach, Bad Blakely said through tears, "I hope you guys throw up!" But that's was it. Bad Blakely made her exit there and didn't return. Such wasted potential. The editors are asleep at the wheel.

So the six sweaty and unshowered bodies hopped on board the cozy confines of a helicopter while the four losers took a beaten up bus back to the hotel. Those sleepy editors then had Courtney saying that team blue was a bunch of crybabies crying all the way home on the bus. How did she know?

Courtney kept up her play-by-play all episode, too. At this point she said the innocuous Lindzi has an annoying personality and the anonymous Jamie was a "hot mess." Why bother?

Ben gave the rose to the terminally cute Kacie B. Good choice, I think. No skin off Courtney's ass. She took the opportunity to molest Ben. "I need affection," is what she said, along with "You gotta do what you gotta do." Yup, she's gotta have it. Please, baby, please, baby, baby, baby, please (name that movie). She mentioned skinny-dipping here but didn't follow through. It would be foreshadowing if we hadn't seen the upcoming clip a hundred times in previous weeks.

Elyse, though, provided the real foreshadowing. Even before her one-on-one date, when the girls are usually upbeat and optimistic, she tearfully pre-grieved, "I'll be really upset if I go home tonight." It was precisely at that point I knew she'd be going home that night.

And guess what? She went home that night. Even Courtney knew it, who presciently said: "I might not be seeing her later. I hope I got her number. I could use a personal trainer."

While on a yacht, Elyse gets Ben's hopes up by saying, "Let's just screw everyone else." Uh, I think that's his plan. But Elyse meant something different. She playfully suggested the two of them get married right there. Guys dig it when chicks mention marriage on the first date.

Can you believe Ben could be so callous after all Elyse gave up to be there? She gave her job! She missed her best friend's wedding! That Ben is a total jerk. But Elyse really did herself in. It was funny watching her stumble around trying to figure out what Ben wanted to hear. "I've accomplished everything I ever wanted... er, I mean, I'm sick of being single... er, I mean..." Too late. No rose for you!

I don't remember but do they always pick up the rose on those one-on-one dates when they're about to dump the person? I'm sure he was told to, but it was a bit callous. Elyse's eyes lit up before the realization hit her. Then she couldn't figure out what she did wrong. Ben didn't have the heart to tell her, but the honest truth is she just didn't pick the right profession. If only she had been a model.

They really milked the aftermath of that breakup, I thought. They showed her crying in a boat while a barefoot Ben traipsed along the shore looking depressed while sappy music played as if he or the show or the viewers had invested anything in Elyse.

Back at the hotel, the driver just barged into the room to pick up Elyse's luggage. I think he was hoping to sneak a peak. Why not a knock? They knock for the date card, for crying out loud. When the ladies find out Elyse is a goner, catty Courtney said, "Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey shore came out." Oh, and, "Another one bites the dust." Oh, and, "That blew my panties off."

And with her panties metaphorically off, she hatches a plan: "I don't know if he's ever skinny-dipped with a model before."

You know that phenomenon where someone not all that good-looking becomes increasingly better looking the more you get to know them? That works in reverse, too. And Courtney is looking pretty ugly these days.

Continuing with her string of ghost-written bon mots, Courtney says, "I hope I'm a sight for sore eyes. Because after the date with Elyse his eyes are probably pretty sore."

So she and Ben head out to the beach, strip down buck naked and we watch their pixilated tushies walk out to sea, where they embrace. That's right, naughty bits on naughty bits. Later the robotic Ben understates it a tad: "Courtney and I shared a very intimate moment."

"Recalculating: Our conversations are easy."

At the cocktail party, Jennifer spends some alone time with Ben. I like the way her tongue goes to the back of her top front teeth when she smiles that crooked smile of hers. It's cute. She was totally relaxed and natural with Ben, saying, "I like you a lot. You're so easy to talk to and fun." I thought for a moment they had something going, but his reply gave me pause. Speaking like the voice on my GPS, he said, "Yeah. Our conversations are easy." What did I miss? Why the cold shoulder?

A young Ben

Blakely Robinson gets ready for her date.

The Good Blakely had some-
thing impor-
tant to share with Ben. She's had an epiphany: she's always wanted to find love, which is why she's 33 and single (I thought she was 34, but let's not quibble). She reveals that every day she writes down something about him that she likes. And Ben was taken with this nonsense. He said he did a complete 180 on his feelings toward her. They kissed and looked like a very odd couple indeed. She could be Mrs. Robinson and he looked like one of the Little Rascals.

Emily took the opportunity to take Ben down to the beach to apologize for ratting out one of the girls last week. She wishes she had never said anything and from now on she's going to just focus on Ben. Oh, and that she stands by what she said and that Courtney's a "weirdo" and is showing him a different side of herself. The word "deception" was used. But other than that, the focus is 100 percent Ben. Got it?

Ben gave her a stern talking to, warning her to "tread lightly".

Whew, boy, Emily thinks she just may have made a big mistake. Again. "I think he hates me," she cried. She confides in Lindzi that she's starting to worry. Lindzi comforts her, saying, "It's not over. The producers still pick who gets to stay."

Okay, she didn't say the last sentence, but we all know it's true.

Sure enough, Emily's with us for at least another week.

I thought I'd add a new wrinkle and give my odds on who gets the final rose in percentage points. I have no idea how to calculate odds, so I'll just make sure everything adds up to 100. You get the drift.

With Nasal Nicki (10%) and Kute Kacie (30%) already rosed, seven more join them and one is sent home. In order, here's who he selected:

1. Lindzi (snowball's chance in hell)
2. Jamie (incomplete since I don't even know who she is)
3. Rachel (less than zero)
4. Courtney (30%)
5. Casey S (zero)
6. Blakely (20%)
7. Emily (10%)

Unbelievably, Jennifer was sent home ahead of Jamie and Casey, who have been phantoms. Hell, I'd have kept her over the nice but boring Lindzi and Rachel, too. What gives? Anyone notice anything I missed? Although, when I saw the final blooper scene they always show at the end, and it was Ben and Nicki taking a warm chocolate bath complete with whipping cream, it really drove home the point that we don't see a helluva lot. I would have thought that would have been a significant scene to show. It was playful and semi-intimate. It tells me a lot about how those two see each other. So maybe there were scenes that would have shown Ben's feelings for Jennifer that were left on the editing room floor.

Jennifer was a wreck. "I just don't get it," she bawled. Neither do we, honey, neither do we. Oh, and she's not nearly as cute with her face scrunched up.

Speaking of the editing room floor, I wonder how many copies they made of the raw skinny-dipping footage? And if some disgruntled employee will release it one day. Just putting that out there.

Patience...

... is a virtue, my dear readers. And you're all virtuous sorts so I know you'll forgive my tardiness with this week's episode. I haven't even watched it yet and won't have time to get my thoughts down until at least Tuesday night. So look for it on Wednesday. Or any time after that. By that time, you'll have forgotten all about what transpired and will want a refresher.

Sorry. It won't happen again*.



* Unless it does.

Bacherlor Ben: The marble statue

Before we get to this week's episode, I'm assuming everyone heard the news that the Bachelor franchise is coming to Canada. My first thought was, "Please don't let Ben Mulroney host it." Then I remembered he's with another network. Thank God. That would have been the tipping point for me and I'd have run away in horror. My second thought was, "Will I have to blog two versions of the show? Or three, if you count Bachelor Pad!" I know, no one's forcing me to do any of it. My gut reaction was hell no, I'm not doing another one. But then I thought this one kind of gets lost in the hundreds of blogs devoted to the American version. Maybe I'll be a bigger fish in the Canadian blog pond. Being Canadians, we'll probably scoff at it and no one will watch, so I'm back to square one.

And finally I wondered about the Canadianness of the production. Television here is notoriously cheap. Back when we used to produce the odd game show, the prizes were hilariously insignificant, although occasionally they could creep up to the hundreds of dollars range. So I envision a Bachelor Canada where the participants are whisked away by Greyhound to such exotic locales as... whatever's within a 50-mile radius of Toronto. Okay, Niagara Falls is nice and within budget, but what then? That embarrassing trainwreck (or bus wreck) aspect to it might make our version worth watching. That and the fact maybe one of our neighbours will be on the show. Although I live in the same city as Jillian Harris and have never encountered her.

Speaking of weak locations, that brings us back to the current season. So far, we've seen Sonoma, San Francisco and this week they're in Park City, Utah, a place so famous it elicited hoots and screams from the gals last week when they announced it.

Ben wanted to take them there because he wanted his harem to experience the outdoors. And everybody knows that Park City, Utah, is the only place in the contiguous 48 where there's outdoors. So we were treated to many a swooping shot of trees. Because trees grow outdoors. You wouldn't know that because you're stuck inside somewhere other than Park City, Utah. Let's hope there some outdoors in that 50-mile radius outside of Toronto. Johnny, tell them where they stayed. "While in Park City, Utah, contestants of the Bachelor stayed at the Waldorf Astoria, Park City... Guy?" Thanks Johnny. That place looked like a complete dump. And on top of it all, it rained the whole time.

The first one-on-one date went to the dull but beautiful Rachel. And by "beautiful", I think, Ben meant "big knockers." There was the gratuitous helicopter shot (something I'm betting we won't see in the Canadian version) before the two went canoeing in a lake. Just the two of them. And about a billion flying insects. (Remember, that's Park City, Utah, you want to avoid.) Lakeside, the two potential lovebirds sipped champagne and shared their innermost secrets... Nah! It was Rachel, remember?! They shared awkward conversation. In her defense, Ben said the conversation was lagging but it's not like he did anything to perk it up or spur it on. "She tells me she's interested but I just don't see it," he parrotted (he's seen past seasons; he knows what he's supposed to say). Because anyone who is the least bit reserved or shy is thought to be uninterested and shown the door in short order. Unless they have big boobs.

Ben said they had a "good little vibe" at dinner, as they sat stiffly across from each other. He described her as beautiful and said he likes kissing her. So spark or connection be damned, he offered her a rose. You can teach conversation; you can't teach big boobs.

Back at the hotel, Kacie B. was the DC – or designated crier. She confided in Monica about her anxieties because presumably Monica had no chance with Ben. And maybe no interest, either, in any man.

The group date featured Jamie, Casey, Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Courtney, Kacie B., and Nicki. The eight of them were walking outdoors (because that's where it is, remember) when Ben rode up all alone on a horse. He looked like a natural, too, which got Lindzi all hot and bothered. As a horsewoman herself, she was confident. "This is my date," she said. "I got this one in the bag." Then, miraculously, eight horses appeared and the girls were in the saddle and walking off. Not a single horse wigged out. They must have been drugged because that just doesn't happen. The horses, I mean. Courtney was the only human who was drugged up.

Then they went fly fishing in a river. The ever-tearful Kacie B. was given the lines, "It's hard to share Ben with everybody else because Ben and I have a connection." The producers have to write some new lines. These are getting old. Maybe the Canadian version will be way different. They'll say instead, "It's hard to share _______ with everybody else because _______ and I have a connection, eh?"

I never noticed before but the model Courtney has a huge forehead. She must be, like, so smart. And that yellow loose knit hat she was wearing made her look like a Manson girl. But Ben's face totally lights up when he talks about her. She must have something because she certainly doesn't have big boobs. Although I'm pretty sure she has implants in those calves.

She's also pretty handy with a rod, if you get my drift. She was the only one who caught a fish. As she admired her catch, she said, "It's so cute!" Then she snuffed the life out of it and proudly showed off her limp, lifeless trophy.

At the gathering back indoors (still in Park City, Utah, though; don't be confused), Nicki confided that a week before she came on the show, her 49-year-old boss died. Tragic, right? Yes. But Ben one-ups her, telling Nicki that two days after arriving in LA for the taping, one of his friends died. It's good to see them honouring their memories by appearing on reality television.

Samantha made a tactical error by confronting Ben about being taken on three straight group dates when what she really wants is a one-on-one. Because she is neither a model nor has big boobs, Ben decided to make an example of her. Refusing to consider Sam's true intent, he sternly told her to get the hell out of his life. The other women sat up and noticed. This is getting serious.

Courtney said Sam rubbed her the wrong way so she had to go. "Another one bites the dust," she said. She made no mention of just which way she likes to be rubbed.

Winning!

I can't decide whether Courtney is just a horrendous actress with those overblown facial expressions or if she's a sociopath with no empathy. One the one hand, she is a model so it very well could be the former. On the other hand, she does frequently quote Charlie Sheen's "winning!" Tough call.

Ben takes some time to calm Kacie B's frazzled nerves by telling her he so wanted to kiss her in the river earlier that day but couldn't because the other girls were there. So they make up for lost time and Kacie B is putty in his hands. Ben says, "I'm in trouble with Kacie B... I might end up with her." Not sure why that would be trouble, except that he'd always be having to reassure her he's not cheating on her with a model.

Courtney sees the connection Ben and Kacie B have so she gets to work. She makes a brave choice by emulating the recently departed Samantha and whining to Ben about her experience. But she's a model so she's not being sent home. In fact, Ben decides to give Courtney the rose. Maybe she's not such a bad actress afterall. Of course, that leaves the alternative: sociopath.

The last one-on-one date went to the super-attractive-for-an-accountant Jennifer. Hey, just thought of something. If Ben can describe cute Jennifer that way, how about Courtney being super ordinary for a model?

Anyway, Jenn-Ben went hiking (outdoors), hopping a fence that posted a sign that read No Trespassing. The Ben half of Jenn-Ben hopped the fence, much to the consternation of the by-the-book accountant. They reach a hole in the ground. It's a cavern. Three hundred feet below is water. Now, don't get ahead of me here, but it turns out the Jenn half of Jenn-Ben is afraid of heights so of course the challenge is to rappel halfway down the crater, dangle for a bit, then cut rope and fall in the water. I saw this in 127 Hours, which also took place in Utah. It didn't end well. (Actually, that dropping into water ended fine. But I love extrapolating to the point where Jenn-Ben would then go on to get trapped by a boulder and they'd have to saw their arms off to escape.) My question after watching both this episode and 127 Hours was how they got back up to land. I guess I'll never find out because I sure as hell ain't doing it.

Jenn confronted her fears so she'll make an excellent wife. That's how that works, remember. At some point on their date, she said, "I never thought Utah would be so pretty." Yeah, well that's exactly what Ben thought about accountants, too.

Then it was time to talk about past romances. Jenn walked away from her 4.5-year relationship because the guy wasn't going to marry her. I think she also admitted that she still loved him, but maybe that's just the way it came across. Whatever it was, she seems like a really nice, normal gal. Or "easy, go-with-the-flow," as Ben describes her. He gives her the rose.

Then they walk down a hill to some country dude giving a concert. Jenn only had eyes for Ben so she didn't even see the hundreds of extras all pretending to like the awful music. She thought it was a concert just for her and Ben. Not only did they pretend to know the warbler, they pretended to know the song by singing along. But I know how country songs work. They repeat the chorus about 20 times. By the end of the song, it's ingrained in your brain so you find yourself reflexively singing along. That's when the cameras captured them.

What I'm wondering is what would have happened if he hadn't given her the rose? He himself said he wasn't sure about her before the date. If he sent her home, would the concert be cancelled? Pay the anonymous country crooner but give him no air time? If I were Ben, and I knew a country singer was waiting to perform for me if I gave my date a rose, I think I might just sacrifice her.

Cold & hard

At the cocktail party, Emily, the PhD student, has the line of the show in describing the psychotic Courtney, comparing her to a "statue made of marble: It's beautiful but it's cold and it's hard on the inside." Poetic. She's too smart for this show.

Which raises the question: If she's so smart, why, oh why, did she accept the role of rat? Has it ever worked in the history of the show? She took Ben aside and told her that there might be a girl there who's different around everyone else than she is with Ben. You could see Ben tensing up. He doesn't take kindly to be questioned. He told her that he doesn't expect Emily to throw anyone under the bus but he's always watchful of everyone's interactions with each other so not to worry. Well, that's just it, said Emily. This particular girl, who shall go nameless because she, too, wouldn't want to throw anyone under the bus, went on the group date and came back with the rose. Not saying who, though. Because that would be wrong.

When Courtney gets wind of this, through her one friend, Casey S., her full-on crazy comes out. "I'm a nice person; don't fuck with me." See? And then there's this: "I want to shave her eyebrows off." Methinks she might start with her own Brooke Shields-like brows.

Emily was rightfully worried that she was going to be sent home. But while I was watching I knew she'd get the producer's rose, which always goes to the person who needs to stick around for dramatic purposes. And I called it. Instead, Ben sent Monica home. She handled her exit nicely, too, saying, "It was good to get to know you." She kept her poise... until she got to the limo, where she started crying. But it wasn't clear if she was crying for Ben or Blakely.

Speaking of Blakely, what the hell happened? Did she pay off the producers? She went from villain to softie faster than anyone in franchise history. Goes to show what editing can do. She can't have changed substantially herself since two weeks ago. So is Courtney just getting a bad edit? Clearly, but she's still making all those crazy faces and taunts and quoting Charlie Sheen. It would be hard to edit her any other way.

With his downsized harem, Ben announced that next week they'd be off to Puerto Rico. Cue: screams of delight. For Puerto Rico. Well, everyone except Courtney, who said she was just there two months ago. Oh, it's gonna be fun.