Miss Emily returns

Welcome back. And didn't this sneak up on me! I had no idea we were all set to go until two days ago when my wife informed me the new season was nigh. That's what I get for not reading the tabs.

Am I really doing this again? Looks like it. Before the show I was thinking what a dud this one could be. Yes, Miss Emily is beautiful, inside and out, but she's not exactly Miss Personality. But I thought the first episode was decent and the upcoming season highlights look like lots of fun, in the usual train wreck way. So that's good.

I was glad to see tonight's episode was only 90 minutes. What's up? Think the network is sick of giving up so much time to the show? Will this be the regular time slot now or will we go back to the two hours they've been giving us the past few seasons? 

Right off the bat we got a gander of Miss Emily's knockout figure as we saw her in a tighttight sweater. Not to be too base, but those have to be fake boobs, right? I'm alright with that but it just seems like a disconnect for someone with such a wholesome image. We also got a look at her house and car in Charlotte and she seems to be doing very well for herself. I know real estate isn't outrageous down there, but I don't imagine salaries are, either.

I also wondered how the hell this picture of near perfection is still single after her last season-long appearance on national television. Is she damaged goods? But you know what? I completely forgot she actually won her season with Brad. How bad is my memory? They got engaged and everything. Goes to show how much I think about this show outside of Monday nights.

I described her as 'near perfect'. So what's missing? As I mentioned, she's not a great conversationalist or anything. And now I'm wondering about her smarts. The twice-engaged 26-year-old said that being engaged is "really special and should be saved for the person you're going to marry." It's those core values that will endear her to simple people the world over.

Since I don't read the tabloids, I only recently heard the big news that Chris Harrison is divorcing his wife. The Bachelor curse continues. Who will it strike next? Trista and Ryan? I see there's a movement afoot to enlist Harrison as the next Bachelor. I heartily concur. How fun would that be? It's not as if he would have to pick a life partner so soon after his breakup. He knows better than anyone this is just a show and a free romp with a bunch of gorgeous gals. The inevitable breakup is all part of the game.

Anyway, back to Miss Emily and her new fellas. We got a sneak peak at eight of them prior to their first meeting with Miss Emily:

• Kalon described himself as "young, fun and good-looking." Then we got a close-up of his mug. He looks like a metrosexual Clark Kent.
• Ryan says he played eight years of "pro football". Since he didn't mention the NFL, I'm going to guess it was arena football.
• Tony, from Beaverton, Oregon, is a father to a 5-year-old boy, has a weak soul patch and possesses two thumbs, which he likes to point at himself with.
• Lerone is a big, black man with a small, cute dog. He also is fixated with Miss Emily's status as a single mom. 
• David is a singer/songwriter who throws around words like "ineffable." And what a lyricist! You should have heard him at the piano intoning "Emily" about a hundred different ways.
• Charlie may have a brain injury, but there's nothing wrong with his heart.
• Jef spells his name with one 'f'. Nuf said. Oh, and he rides a skateboard.
• Arie is an Indy car driver. He's worried that may bring back painful memories for Miss Emily. Gee, you think?

For the first time in franchise history, our protagonist is meeting the potential spouses away from Los Angeles. We're in Miss Emily's hometown of Charlotte for reasons unknown. At first I thought it must be so she could be near Ricki, her daughter. But I see now that little Ricki will be travelling the globe with her throughout this journey so I don't see what difference it makes that the first week is in their hometown. Maybe the L.A. mansion was unavailable for rentals this month.

Miss Emily (who's a babe in the woods at 26 years of age, may I remind you) wants a minivan full of babies. Her clock is tickin', afterall, she said. Twenty-six!

Oh, can we please dispense with the notion that anyone has given up anything to be on the show? Miss Emily says she has, and says all the guys have, too. What, I ask?! The Bachelor handbook needs to be rewritten. Once they purge that trite phrase, they can move on to "Can I steal you?" and "not here for the right reasons". That's a start.

The first introductions are always rather painful. Some people want to make a big impression. Let's see how that worked out. Six dudes were sent home. Jackson got down on his knees and recited a cheesy speech to her. He's toast. Lerone told her about his fetish for single moms. Gonzo. Randy arrived looking like Johnny Carson's Aunt Blabby before tearing it off to reveal – tada! – he's really not an old lady at all! Hit the road.

Granted, some of the cheesy opening lines stuck around, but they handed out 19 roses so some had to stick. (Speaking of which, why the odd number? Nineteen guys? Was it supposed to be more and she didn't like six of them? Or was it supposed to be fewer and she really dug too many of them?) In fact, Doug, a Seattle single dad, blabbed on and on about his life story and he got the first impression rose. So what do I know? Then there was Joe, annoyingly loud, who danced a little jig and he'll be there next week. And Jef and his ridiculous skateboard and bouffant hairdo that makes him look like a young Mickey Rooney. And Stevie, who showed up with a cheap ghetto blaster playing some generic dance music and looking like a nerd dressed up as a party MC. Tony brought a shoe on a cushion, claiming he was Prince Charming. I think it was a cheap excuse to look at her bare foot as he slipped on the glass slipper. It wouldn't surprise me if we learn he has a foot fetish. Travis had the lame idea to carry around an ostrich egg to represent Miss Emily and Ricki, saying he'd protect the egg like he'll protect them. We just know it's going to break at some point, don't we? And Kalon who flew in on his private helicopter, much to everyone's jealousy. And these doofuses were all selected by the in-over-her-head Miss Emily.

Some more first impressions: Kyle couldn't control himself. He was in awe at her absolute stunning beauty and stood there looking her up and down, undressing her with his eyes. Aaron, the biology teacher, came straight out of central casting. The only thing missing was the white lab coat and pocket protector. Brent is the oldest looking 41-year-old I've ever seen. But maybe that's because he has six kids... Wait a second. He has what? Yes, six kids. I can't understand why he didn't make it through, can you? John says all his friends call him "Wolf". That's alarming to me. If his name was actually Wolf, I wouldn't mind, because that's a real name. But when your friends decide to call you Wolf, it's for a reason. And probably not a good one. Speaking of names, what's with Jean-Paul? The guy has not a trace of an accent. If you don't have a thick French accent with a name like that, you're a pretentious douche. Which she must have sensed because he was selected to advance.

Oh, and producers, every single season I get so pissed off at contestants with the same name. There are hundreds of names out there, and no doubt hundreds of potential contestants, there's no reason to have two people with the same name. So all well and good this season. There's no need for initials to differentiate between contestants. But get this: there's an Alessandro and an Alejandro. Seriously?! You're shitting me. I don't know why these little things rankle me like they do, but they do. What's more, she gave roses to both – probably because she couldn't tell them apart – so we've got to put up with this nonsense for at least another week.

Although, her exchange with Alessandro was classic. Remember, Miss Emily isn't the smartest cookie in the pantry, so cut her some slack. But when the Brazilian spoke his native Portuguese to her, she responded with "¡Graçias!" I guess it sounded like Spanish to her.

At the cocktail party, Miss Emily played up her southern belle stereotype, announcing, "Golly, I'm nervous." She really said "golly"! I haven't heard that in... I don't think I've ever heard any real person say that. I thought it was just something they used in Archie comic strips. I had no idea it was a real word.

Doug, the single dad, kept harping on his kid, saying his son wrote a letter for Miss Emily. He gives it to her, and Miss E (for Emily, not Einstein) says, "I'm going to read it, okay?" Uh, it's highly unorthodox, but alright.

The letter was a paean to dear old dad: "Dad always tucks me in... blah, blah, blah." I could just see Doug standing over his cowering child dictating the letter. Or better yet, grabbing a crayon with his left hand and writing it himself.

I was expecting to hate Kalon and Arie but I found both to be fine. Kalon deserves his bad rap for his look-at-me entrance, but he seemed to be self-deprecating and polite. And Arie, the race car driver, was genuine and sweet.

But we'll see. These are all first impressions and I know from the upcoming highlights that somebody's a major jerk. And some I've written off will prove to be decent chaps.

Bachelor Ben: Such controversy!

I know it's kind of The Bachelor's thing to breathlessly announce each and every season as the most something-or-other in franchise history, but most controversial? Really? More than the dude who left two women at the altar? More than the Seattle guy who doubled back? What happened with Ben? He picked who the tabloids have been saying he'd pick for the last two months. Huge surprise there. Such controversy!

Okay, so he picked the narcissistic model over the salt of the earth. Big whoop. It's not like we didn't see it coming. We knew that even good guys have penises and use them in lieu of brains half the time. Jake and Vienna taught us that. And those two might have been the only ones watching who were cheering for Courtney just to take some of the stink off their own failed fake romance. And judging from the near disaster we witnessed in the plodding After the Final Rose show, it's only a matter of time before Ben & Courtney detonate, too.

But let's back up a bit. If you missed it, I'll walk you through the show.

If I just tuned in last night without having seen a single second of the season to date, I'd have known Courtney was the one as soon as they showed Ben and Lindzi embracing. She's all over him and he's standing there stiff-backed leaning away from her. And she made it to the final! That's how much of a blowout this contest was.

The episode took place in the bucolic setting of Zermatt, Switzerland. I didn't know there was a Disneyland there, but apparently there is. Ben's rustic cabin was located at the foot of the Matterhorn. The Europeans are the first to look down on Americans but they're the first to copy a great American landmark like the Matterhorn roller coaster, too. Phoneys.

This week's episode was brought to you by the word 'vulnerable'. Unfortunately by the time I realized it, it was too late to start counting. But it was clearly in double figures. If you included it in your finale drinking game, you're probably really hung over today.

The talking point this week was how much Lindzi "lights up a room." That's code for, "She's got a great personality." Which itself is code for, "She's going home." If you had "lights up a room" in your drinking game and 'vulnerable', you're probably not reading this because you're dead of alcohol poisoning.

Ben's mom and sister flew to the Swiss Disneyland to convene with Ben and meet his final two. Sis, who is to Ben like Mrs. Doubtfire is to Robin Williams – which is to say identical but with longer hair, usually hates Ben's girlfriends. So we can be sure she'll be the voice of reason who will steer Ben away from the big-foreheaded, big-calved, big-knuckled model. Or so we thought.

But I had a notion Courtney would win them over and she did. She's been practicing her soft and sweet character for a few weeks now and she's got it down pat. I'm just a little disappointed Sis didn't see through it. When giving Ben her stamp of approval, she said, "You can't judge a book by its cover." True enough, but you also can't judge a book by its introduction, either.

Before arriving at the cabin, Sis leadingly (and maybe a bit suspiciously, like she'd been tipped off) asked if there was a girl in the process surrounded by drama who didn't get along with the others. Ben told her there was, and they'd be meeting her. Sis smartly told him that was a giant red flag.

When C arrived, she didn't wait to be grilled. She sat down, with coat and scarf still on, and spilled her guts about how hard it was for her, how some girls in the house wouldn't even look at her so she gave up trying to talk to them. She really was making an effort from day one to get to know people! No, really! Geez, persecution complex much?

That's all it took. Sis was, in her own words, "shocked" and "blown away" by this "really amazing girl." She told Ben, "You have to be a pretty strong and secure woman to be a model." But she needn't have. I mean, who doesn't know models are the very picture of confidence? Or at least faking it. She also said Courtney was the "complete package" – only what she didn't say was that package may contain traces of nuts. But after basically telling Ben to go for it with this high maintenance chick, I believe his whole family is nuts, too.

This was the day after they met Lindzi and fell in love with her. Maybe, when compiling a list of pros and cons, Lindzi's clumsiness and poor manners and grammar did her in. Twice while eating she dropped her fork. The horse lady then said, "I get a little stressed out when I have to eat proper." You know, with cutlery and such.

But maybe Lindzi wasn't completely into the process. She said, "If Ben ends up being my husband, this is going to go down in history as one of the biggest days of my life." Just "one of"? You don't want it bad enough, girlfriend.

On her date with Ben, they went skiing near the rollercoaster. Their private gondola stopped midway up the mountain and Lindzi felt now was the place and time to open up to Ben. Yes, of course it was. What better time than on your last date? And what if the gondola didn't stop? Well, there's always the altar.

I never noticed Lindzi's Farrah Fawcett-Majors circa 1978 hairstyle before. I didn't know women still used curling irons.

But I did notice, and continued to notice, her scratchy voice whenever she gets all vulnerable. Her voice box disappears whenever the subject of love comes up.

Another clue she was toast was when Ben visited her at night. He robotically thanked her, kind of a preemptive strike in case she's inconsolable at the altar. She mistook it for an intimate moment. Come to think of it, it probably was intimate for her.

In voice-over mode, Ben told us that he really wanted to tell Lindzi that he loves her but he had one more date with Courtney and it wouldn't be fair. I don't believe that for a second; I think he said it for Lindzi's sake when she was watching at home with a box of Kleenex.

On his final date with Lady C, Ben brought out the big guns: the helichopper, as Courtney called it. They flew over the Matterhorn as their relationship soared to new heights. Ben said he knew it wasn't easy for Courtney meeting his family and having to pretend to be sweet for so long. Actually, I added the last bit, but I think it's a fair statement of fact.

One new wrinkle in this finale was that the girls were required to light their own candles. We saw both Lindzi and Courtney affixing fire to wick. Cutbacks, I guess. They had to choose between professional candle lighter or flying the ring guy to Europe.

As I sat transfixed on Courtney's shiny protruding forehead, when she said, "I had the best time sledding," I could have sworn she said, "I had the best time sweating." Both made sense.

In keeping with her persecution complex, she talked about her pattern of men who just keep taking and taking and not giving anything back. I don't think she was being literal, but it was kinda funny she then gave Ben a gift and he got her nothing. It was the requisite photo album, done up by the prop department. I'm pretty sure they did it because I don't recall ever seeing her with a camera. And if she did have one, that shot of her and Ben on top of a mountain, taken from the base, would be problematic unless she threw her camera down to a passing tourist at the bottom to take it for her.

In the album, she wrote, "I love you, Ben." And the accompanying card was filled with tiny Unabomber-style printing. She wrote that this relationship is "possibly the best thing that's ever happened to me." Yes, "possibly." She also added a PS, saying that she included her all-time favourite love song, "Forever" by Ben Harper, on the mix she gave him. (Thanks to my PVR pause mode for that bit of information.)

And then, after that bit of awkward romance, Courtney gets back in full-on Courtney mode, accusing Ben of throwing her under the bus in tipping his family off about her problem with the girls, making her go on the defensive. For a guy who says he doesn't like drama, he sure picked a drama queen. Get used to moments like these, Ben. Ben said, "There are times I don't understand her; times when she frustrates me." That's always a good sign in the lovey-dovey dating stage, isn't it?

I thought Courtney might be trying to sabotage her chances. She got as far as her career needed her to get and she didn't ever plan on winning. But her plan backfired.

Did anyone else notice that when Ben left her room, his suspenders were hanging off his pants?

Then it was time for the ring bearer. Why does this vendor get to travel the world on The Bachelor's dime? From what I understand, people get married in Switzerland. I'm sure there are at least a couple of jewelers in the country.

Ben felt good about his decision to choose Courtney. He said, "I know what I'm doing. This decision is the right one." Then he said, "This is the happiest I've ever been. I don't imagine life getting any better." Well, I'm sure he's right about that. It's all downhill from here. So it's fitting they shot this in Switzerland.

It gets worse/better: "The woman I'm about to propose to brings me more joy than I could ever imagine. I feel like it was meant to be; like we were put on this planet to be together."

Enter chopper 1. Lindzi exits brimming with confidence, as all the first runners-up do. "I love Ben. I love Ben. It feels good to say that. This is the moment girls dream about their whole life."

As she greeted Ben at the altar, she couldn't stop talking: "I'm so excited to be here with you, blah blah blah." I wanted Ben to put his finger on her lips and say, "Shhh." She asked how he was feeling. He looked down and said, "Uh..." And then came the stream of bullshit: "I want you to know I have fallen in love with you and, uh,... (sigh)... but I need those moments to last a lifetime." Say what? What does that even mean? "And I've found that with someone else." Again, huh?

But Lindzi just shrugged. She took it well. And for once she said what I've always thought the losers should say, "If things don't work out, call me." Although in this particular instance, she could have easily replaced the conditional 'if' with 'when'. That's a given.

She also said, "It sucks having the man you love not love you back." Wasn't she listening? He very clearly told her he had fallen in love with her. Women! They just don't listen!

Chopper 2 brought in our winner. Courtney's line of the night was, "I'm a good person and good things happen to good people." From that can we infer that bad things happen to bad people? Such as being vilified by the masses and trashed in every publication known to check-out lines?

Ben clearly listened to the Ben Harper song because he told Courtney, "You are my forever." She then did a little inhaled gasp and smile as if she just won ten dollars on a Scratch-n-Win ticket. That was her emotional investment in her engagement. She took off her long black glove and Ben slipped the comped ring over her swollen knuckle. No tears of joy. It was like nothing really registered.

I guess you could say that was controversial. At least it's a better tease than, "The least emotional ending in Bachelor history!"

On the After the Final Rose show, Ben came out unshaven, which I've come to accept but usually the guy has a face capable of growing a beard. But Ben has the patchiest excuse for a five o'clock shadow I've ever seen.

The show was full of contradictions, mostly from Ben. He said, "I did listen to the women." I guess in the sense that his ears heard the words they formed, but not in the sense of responding to advice. He claims he was never given any specific examples of her misdeeds, just that she didn't get along with them. But Ben put the kibosh on any such warnings, cryptically telling them to "tread carefully" and concentrate on their own relationships with him.

Then he says he's still in love with Courtney (maybe in the sense that he was in love with Lindzi) but reveals they were essentially broken up (which elicited gasps from the groupies in the audience). He and C didn't talk for a few weeks because he needed to reassess everything. Chris Harrison brought up the steamy photos of him kissing other women that were published in the tabs, but Ben denied it, saying he never kissed another woman and hasn't cheated on her. Is that just a technicality? As in, "I couldn't have cheated on a woman I was broken up with. That's logically impossible."

When Courtney came out, she was greeted with a smattering of applause and some boos. She again played the victim and used the lame excuse that the show brought out the worst in her. That's only possible if the worst is already in her to begin with. As the saying goes, celebrity doesn't change one's character; it reveals one's character.

In trying to get some sympathy from the crowd, she said Ben didn't even send flowers or a card on Valentine's Day. "He abandoned me. I needed him... There's definitely some trust that's been lost." She said she reached out to him but he wasn't responding. And then she says they're still a couple.

When Ben joined her, he agreed. He said, "We're in a good place. It can only get better." Well, that may be so, but it can also get a whole lot worse. And probably will. He insists, "We know this is going to work... I want to be with you. I love you. I'm not going to abandon you." Oh, he's a smoothie when the camera's rolling, isn't he?

Harrison then brought out the engagement ring. Why he had it is anybody's guess. I assume it remains the property of The Bachelor. What did he want to do with it? Cue the romantic music. Ben shakily put it back on Courtney's oversized finger. All's good. Until they break down the set and they're whisked back to reality anyway.

That bit of business done, Harrison brought out "one of our favourite couples" Ashley and JP...??? Really? Do we care about them? They revealed Ashley took a bit of a beating in the press and message boards but JP was there for her. I find that surprising. I liked Ashley and always thought JP was a bit of a dolt. But that's just me, I guess. They also revealed they're hoping to get married within a year. Oh joy. What is that, three successful couples now?

Which got me thinking: I know the producers always add some professional women and men to up the drama and/or comedy, but now that it's backfired and the show is even more of a sham than it's ever been (if we're looking at it as a vehicle for romance rather than a source of entertainment), maybe they should get serious about finding people who really want to find love and not just actors playing the part.

It'll be interesting when Miss Emily gets her turn come May. I guess I'll see you back here then. Thanks for reading.

Bachelor Ben: Courtney's mea culpa

The annual Women Tell All episode is always a classic, always good for 15 minutes of entertainment wrapped up in layers of network time wasters. This year's was no exception. The segments featuring the new and improved Courtney 2.0 were the only worthwhile bits on the show. We got to see a tearful and regretful model being attacked from all sides. That's always fun. But we'll get to that. I don't have much else to say about the other segments, but let's, as usual, go in order.

Why does Chris Harrison get a standing ovation? He's the constant face of the franchise, but his total face time is maybe 5% and he says the exact same things from season to season, depending on the show. But hey, I realize everyone in attendance is stoked just to be there. It couldn't be that they're told to stand and cheer, could it? Nah.

Oh, before I go any further in my stream of consciousness post, I got a comment last week from a newcomer to these pages, so far as I can tell. It was signed 'Anonymous', as many are, but I have ways of seeing which city it comes from and it's one that hasn't been represented in the comments before. In case you missed it, here it is:

Just a note, FYI. They drive the girls around in that limo (after they are eliminated) sometimes up to 6 hours egging them on emotionally trying to get them as worked up as possible to get that footage we see at the end. The producers do not stop badgering them, bringing up their past failed relationships, dead pets, whatever it takes, to get them to cry and become hysterical. Thought you'd want to know. 

That doesn't sound outside the realm of possibility, but it's nothing I had considered before. The comment suggests that often the women are completely fine after being dumped on national television so sometimes it takes up to six hours to get them to show some emotion. If that's the case, it truly sucks, but it doesn't surprise me. I'd just ask Anonymous for some information that corroborates the claim. Was Anonymous a contestant? Does Anonymous know a former contestant? Does or did Anonymous work on the show or know someone who did? You'd think that someone like Kacie B., for instance, who suffered a huge limousined breakdown, might have offered up the above excuse just to save face, although I'm sure there are contracts signed that forbid such talking out of school. But I always wonder what the consequences would be if someone reneged on that contract. Would a court uphold the contract and force the contestant to pay millions of dollars? Someone should test it out, thereby exposing the show for what it really does. I think the show would risk losing fan or network support if they successfully sued some twentysomething fan favourite who was put through emotional torture for the entertainment of the masses just for talking about the process.

But I digress.

Loved the reunion clip featuring our "favourite cast members." You know, such favourites as Mickey and Christina (who?) or Jon and Stacey (never heard of them) or Kasey and Lisa P. Okay, on closer inspection I remember Kasey but that's only because someone described his makeout session with Lisa P. as weird so I took a closer look. Sure enough, that was Kermit. Maybe Lisa P. was hoping he'd turn into a prince. Why else would anyone kiss that guy ever?

Then they showed Ed and Jillian followed by Roberto and Ali. You know, all the Bachelor success stories.

We're finally introduced to this year's former contestants and I'm struck, as I am each and every Women/Men Tell All episode, at how few of them I remember. And I write their names every week! Going on this show trying to reach some sort of lasting fame, beyond the metaphorical fifteen minutes, makes about as much sense as going on to find lasting love.

Harrison is always interested in getting their opinions and feelings regarding the first day they pull up to the house in the limos and meet Ben. Why? How is this relevant? Then again, Harrison is a former sports reporter and we know they're not exactly renown for their insightful questions.

The first montage sequence is on Blakeley, who completes the circle: She started out as a jerk, turned into a good girl midway through, and now returns as a jerk. It was a veritable circle jerk. But by the time Lady Courtney arrived, Blakeley was back as the good girl. Pick a character and stick to it, girlfriend.

When someone named Samantha asked Blakeley why so many of the women are such good friends but Blakeley isn't, the VIP Waitress with the sailor tattoo on her forearm said, "Because I'm a lot older than you and I'm more mature than you and I actually don't bother myself with small-minded people, that's why." Spoken like a mature adult.

Fashion notes: Emily was practically falling out of her top and Kacie B. had her shirt open to her naval, like Wes. Only Wes had bigger boobs.

Brittney, the grandma's girl who left the show, revealed her reasons: she felt "no attraction towards Ben whatsoever." No one asked about how her grandmother felt. Come on, Harrison, do your job. That was an obvious follow-up.

Brittney was always a quiet, almost invisible, presence on the show but she showed some firepower when she stopped the shrill Samantha in her tracks by saying, "You're like the chihuahua in the house: you just don't stop talking, you just don't stop talking, so shut up!" clapping her hands on each word for emphasis.

My gal Shawntel came back to talk about all the misplaced anger towards her. She felt bullied by the negative comments about her body image and how she was treated. And I don't blame her. She's hot. And why would anyone be upset with her rather than the producers or Chris Harrison who arranged for it to happen? That never ceases to amaze me. If the producers didn't think this would be a good idea, it ain't happening. In some cases, I'm sure they even approach former contestants to come back.

Emily flexed her impressive head muscles with some flawless logic and psychological analysis. She lost some respect for Ben (just as most of North America has), crystallizing our thoughts on the Great Skinnydipping-gate scandal of 2012: Ben disrespected the ten or so other women involved in the process when he got naked with Courtney because his judgment would always be clouded due to sex on the brain. Valid point. And fair enough if he admitted it and stopped the show right then and there, but he went through the process as if that nude embrace played no role in his future decision-making, putting girls through the emotional wringers by giving them false hope.

Next up was Nicki, the "beautiful divorcée." The hyperbolic Harrison said, "We all fell in love with you and your story." Really? Did I miss that? I liked Nicki but at no time did I feel she transcended the show and became America's sweetheart. Not even within the show. They showed the clip of her tragic limo ride and she said she didn't know if she could ever get over this heartbreak. In response to Harrison's queries, Nicki now says, "It hurt a lot but it's been a few months and I'm myself again." Oh good. We were all worried.

Kacie B. got her turn in the hot seat and was grilled by Harrison, the former sports reporter, with this gem: "So you think you'll find the man of your dreams?" To which Kacie replied, "No. I think that was my last shot. Ben was the only man for me. I'm destined to live a life of misery now." What the hell?! What kind of question was that? I mean, even for a former sports reporter! (If you missed the show, that wasn't Kacie's response at all, but you probably get that. You get it, so you know just how ridiculous that question was.)

Kacie got in a nice little jab at the once golden Ben, saying she now realizes they're not meant for each other because their "core values" are different. As in, she has some; he doesn't.

Now we get to the good stuff with Courtney. This was such a big segment they decided to hire the segment producer from the Maury Povich show. So we got to see Courtney pacing backstage, unable to hear what was being said about her onstage. I half expected she'd come out and we'd find out if Ben really was the father.

How do we all feel about Courtney's performance? Here's my take on it: I hate to hit a girl when she's down, but my sense is that she truly is upset but not because she hurt people or bad-mouthed anyone on TV, but because the tabloids are tearing her a new one, which is causing her and her family grief. I get the feeling that if the tabloids either ignored her or somehow painted her as a hero or comedic genius, she'd be totally happy, even if the women in the house were upset.

In other words, I agree with Jennifer that it was a complete image repair job rather than heartfelt mea culpa.

She said, "I have many regrets. I'm disappointed in myself and how I acted and how I treated the women. Looking back, there are so many things I would have done differently." Okay, fair start. But she kept tripping over her self-delusion. She went on to say, "Living in the house was the problem. I felt like they didn't like me." So she only acted in self-defense, is that it? Because she wasn't liked, she lashed out. It didn't occur to her it was the other way around?

She continued: "I came into this not wanting to have confrontation at all. But there were things that were said that were pretty nasty. And I knew people were talking about." Again, it was only self-defense, she implies. But when Blakeley asked her directly what she said to deserve being called a stripper and the kind of girl your boyfriend cheats on you with, Courtney said, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing." In other words, she only lashed out because people were saying nasty things about her, except she admits Blakeley said nothing about her. Ah, classic sociopathic reasoning.

The C-name passed off her behaviour as a result of insecurity. Enter Professor Emily, who pointed out that everyone else was insecure, too, only "we were human beings and we tried to make a connection to get through." Courtney said nothing, just shook her head and willed herself to tear up.

More inconsistency from Courtney: "I wish they would have had the chance to get to know me a little better and know my story a little bit." And who knows, maybe she was actively wishing this when she locked herself in her room while everyone else was socializing.

Even her apology was a fake: "If I've hurt your feelings, I'm really sorry for that." Note the conditional if. And Professor Emily once again cut through the BS to find the illogic of Courtney's pleas for forgiveness. She cited Courtney's refusal to accept Emily's own apology when C said, "I don't forgive and forget." Emily asked, "Are you asking us to do the same things you wouldn't do?" She's a sharp one, that Emily. And did I mention she was practically falling out of her top?

Harrison is a sucker for tears. He was more interested in asking about how the negative press has affected her and her family rather than how her own behaviour affected her family. I'd like to know what her parents thought of their daughter's behaviour on the show. But it provided another chance for Courtney to deflect: "I don't like being tore [sic] apart by the tabloids – it's awful!" I don't blame her, but she's not looking at the root cause. Why are they tore-ing her apart? Also, I'm always amazed when celebrities care about tabloids because, really, who reads them? And who believes them? I know, I know, millions do, but it's not like they're respected publications.

Courtney gave us a hint as to the outcome next week when she said, "I'm sorry for hurting Ben. I cared for him." Note the past tense. Catching herself, she added, "And still do." If he did choose her, it doesn't sound like they're still together. But we never expected that.

As we saw her walking off-stage (completely tear-free, by the way) and out the back door to a waiting limo, we saw interspersed shots of the girls gossiping about her. I could catch the odd word among the whispers but that's about it. Did anyone hear what was said? Where were the subtitles the show usually gives us?

Then it was Ben's turn, and that was really a nothing segment, other than we learned that Chris Harrison doesn't know how to use the phrase 'begs the question' correctly. Jamie, who tried to walk Ben through a kiss earlier in the season, felt that that embarrassment wasn't enough on her résumé so she decided to throw herself at Ben saying if things don't work out with whoever he chooses, she's still available.

All that was left was a final montage of the final two contestants. And all I could think is that neither one is a good match for Ben, despite him insisting he could see himself living the rest of his life with either one of them. This is one of the few seasons where I don't have a positive rooting interest. My only rooting interest is negative, hoping he finally figures Courtney out.

And just when I realized they spent the last two hours with all the former contenders and didn't spend a single second on the train wreck that was "professional" blogger Jenna, we were treated to the outtakes. Monica revealed she thought Jenna was "batshit crazy" (this just in!) and then offered to share a (new, wrapped) tampon with her. They hugged. And... scene.

Next week: The most controversial season finale in Bachelor history!... What else did you expect?