The Men Tell All and Emily Cusses a Blue Streak

Hey, folks, are you still there? The season is nearing an end. With this penultimate episode, I was looking forward to some R&R and some time to refresh for the next season in a few months. Ha! What was I thinking? This season ends next Sunday and the newest Bachelor Pad starts right up on Monday.

I won't make this long because I'm packing. In fact, I'll be blogging the final show next Sunday from 2500 miles away. And, I guess, the Bachelor Pad mess on Monday. Anyway, I apologize in advance for this haphazard post.

What are you guesses for what happens next week? They're sure trying to make it look like Miss Emily pulls a Brad Womack and doesn't pick either finalist. Hell, maybe she still loves Brad and goes back to him. And then he dumps her. Chris Harrison did tell us, afterall, that it's one of the most dramatic endings ever. And he never says anything like that unless it really is.

Also, he conspicuously didn't ask her if she was happy or engaged this time. He just said we all have to watch to find out. Are there spoilers out there? I don't read them so I have no idea.

The Men Tell All episode started out with some of the great unseen moments from the past season. Like the time Miss Emily spilled a drop of white wine on her gown and acted like she just spilled the whole bottle. Oh, what hilarity! Hard to believe that got cut.

Emily, the sailor

Then there was the time she and the Egg Man sang the egg to sleep. Or we re-lived Creepy Chris's Elaine-like dancing. Man, they do have fun.

Also, Miss Emily reneged on a promise to Harrison that she would do the Running Man dance at the end of the show. She cannot be trusted, that one.

Also, what a mouth the girl has on her! The sweet southern God-fearing lady sure can cuss up a storm, can't she? Every other clip of her throughout the night was her getting bleeped out.

We got the requisite teaser for Bachelor Pad. Interesting to see both Creepy Chris and Kondescending Kalon were in it. Chris, who still seemed shaken up about being dumped, apparently went straight off to the mansion to hook up with some other bimbos. And then resumed the pout for tonight. The highlight of BP, by the way, looks to be the spelling bee. I loves me a good spelling bee.

Still not clever but I've got to pack

Next we re-met the men, who were there to tell all. Or at least some of them. But thanks for showing up, Alessandro/Allejandro and Michael (?). They didn't say a word all night. In fact, when Harrison was introducing them all, I was surprised some got a better than average response from the crowd when if you had asked me, I would have no idea who they were. I'm not just saying that, either. My memory must truly suck. Or else it proves Andy Warhol's maxim that everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. It's kind of empowering for these contestants to know that no matter how ridiculous they look in the moment, no one will remember who they are in a few months. Until they do Bachelor Pad, then they get an extra 15 minutes.

Selective Sean got the biggest screams of the night. It was a veritable Sean-mania. I guess he's the front-runner to be the next Bachelor. We know it's not going to be Ryan. Harrison coldly told smooth-talking Ryan it wasn't going to be him. But he'll always have Augusta.

Wolfman John made the interesting fashion choice of a navy blue blazer with pink pants. I have nothing to add.

Kalon was the whipping boy for most of the night. Hyperbolic Harrison said he was one of the most controversial men of the season "and maybe ever." (See Warhol, Andy above.) He got a lot of grief about his entrance by helicopter. But seriously, can we blame him for that? Does anyone honestly think that wasn't a producer's idea? At the very least, it had to be cleared by them. It was a gimmick, just like One-F Jef riding in on his skateboard and Lindzey on her horse. She didn't ride her horse down from Seattle, for crying out loud. And we all know they have helicopters on stand-by at the old mansion.

In defending himself, Kalon chalked up his behaviour to his sense of humour, which, he believes, is "wasted on a lot of people." Okay, on that he's delusional but did he deserve to be shot down by Miss Emily like that? She does not forgive and forget. It seems Kalon's sense of the ha-ha got the better of him again when he recently Tweeted a photo of a baggage claim and made mention of Little Ricki again. When she was dressing him down, he looked like he was going to cry. I mean, at least as far as his face registers any emotion at all.

Ryan in a former life

I don't know why I didn't notice all season, but Ryan totally is a 1970s-era Burt Reynolds clone, right down to the half-wink. It made me like him a bit more. And boy is he smooth. He had a good answer for everything. He still maintains he wants a trophy wife because "I'm looking for a prize." How can you not love a guy like that? When asked if he was arrogant or confident, he picked the latter because the former is a false sense of confidence. Sounds arrogant to me.

Creepy Chris maybe doesn't look creepy to me any more. Tonight it was a cross between sullen and evil. He also has the reddest lips of any man I've ever seen. I mean, when you can see them. Harrison asked if he angers quickly. I think we all know the answer to that one. He said he gets angry only when there's something he believes in. Like, for instance, when he believes he's right about something. Then look out. Otherwise he's a pussycat.

Sean was so in love he still couldn't bring himself to mention Emily's name. He said "I fell in love with this girl" three times. He also let slip he called his mom after being dumped and told her. Are there no confidentiality agreements they have to sign? If so, he may be out some money.

It seemed Sean and Chris hired the same speechwriter. No sooner had Sean finished telling Miss Emily that she opened his eyes and made him believe once again than Chris used the exact same phrases. That is so like a 25-year-old.

Emily said Kalon should be a politician, but she has a potential future in it, too. Did you catch her seemingly nice-sounding sentiments to Sean? She said she "really did feel like I was falling in love" with him. Not "I was falling in love" but "I felt like I was." Either she isn't in tune with her own emotions or... she's very in tune with her own emotions. She ended it with, "What girl wouldn't want Sean?" Apparently a girl named Emily.

The bloopers were nothing to write about. More swearing from Miss Emily but that's about it.

And boom, we're done. Back to packing. I'll be back from the other side of the continent next week.

Curaçao: The island of blue balls

Not just a liqueur anymore

We're getting down to the nitty-gritty. This episode answered a lot of questions for me. The biggest one was, "How do you pronounce Curaçao?" Now I know. The second biggest was, "Do you mean Curaçao isn't just a liqueur?"

Miss Emily and her two remaining hunks, along with One-F Jef, flew to the island of the liqueur for a week of really-getting-to-know-you. If you know what I mean. If you catch my drift. If you're picking up what I'm laying down. Nudge nudge, wink wink. It's Fantasy Suite week, y'all! Miss Emily's gonna get her groove on.

Or not. Miss Emily got each of the guys all hot and bothered before sending them all on their way to a cold shower in their own apartments. But let's go in order of the dates.

We start with Selective Sean. Just as this segment was starting, I jotted down, "Sean – out – my prediction." I don't know why. I just got the feeling he'd be the one let go. Miss Emily made a big thing out of him not yet having told her he loves her. Every time she mentioned it – and she mentioned it lots – I was thinking she might, you know, tell Sean what she's thinking along those lines herself. Later in the show, she mentioned that she couldn't say what she was really thinking to one of the other guys, so I assume it's part of the nebulous rules of the game we never hear about. Not sure why that'd be a rule, given that she's ostensibly trying to find her husband and life partner. She should open up to him. Give a guy a sign.

They hop on a helicopter with the least fanfare in Bachelorette history! It was just sitting there. Nobody got excited. Just as it should be. (Also, was this the first appearance by the Bachelorette Chopper this season? If so, well done, squad!) They flew to their "very own private island." Sounds romantic. But you should have seen this island if you didn't. I've never seen a more desolate piece of barren land described so romantically.

As they sat on the surf, Sean got all tongue-tied as he tried to express his feelings: "I'm crazy about you," he started. And then reverted to: "I forgot what I was going to say."

Thankfully, he had a letter written. To Miss Emily's oft-mentioned daughter, Little Ricki. Ah, a trusty device to let her hear what she wants to hear without actually saying it directly to her. It was the usual blather. What blew me away was his beautiful printing. Okay, so it wasn't cursive, but it may as well have been it was so gorgeously penned. Maybe he paid money and dictated it to a local 14-year-old girl.

My suspicions were confirmed when he told her his life was going to change drastically and she looked down sheepishly. He didn't appear to notice because he then said, "I have fallen in love with you." Again, not a direct 'I love you', but it's a start. Miss Emily said, "I feel like the luckiest girl in the world."

... all night long

At dinner, she hands him the much anticipated fantasy suite card. Sean says he'd love the chance to "stay up." Is that what the kids are calling it these days? Well, I know one thing that stayed up all night. They embarked on a long, slow, steamy kiss in the "fantasy suite" – which looked like a regular house to me. That kiss would lead nowhere, though. Miss Emily said, "I'd love to stay up with him but I'm a mom." Uh, yeah, that's how you became a mom, remember? That's what moms do.

When Miss Emily was on the other side, and Brad Womack was offering her the card, she expressed the same phoney misgivings, but she finally agreed to "stay up" so long as they just talked all night. And who knows if they did. See, that's the magic of the fantasy suite. Nobody needs to know. She could easily have made that same proviso with each of the guys, and then gone inside and got her freak on and nobody would be the wiser. If the guys came out bragging, she could say, "In your dreams," and we'd all think they were just being the frat boys they all look like.

The next date was with One-F Jef. From what I gather on Twitter, a lot of ladies are quite taken with this little feller. Frankly, I don't get it.

They went fishing on a boat. Or at least Jef did. Fishing for compliments. "Do you think I'd be a good parent?" he asked Emily. When she answered in the affirmative, he followed up with, "Why?" It was also humorous when he looked around on the vessel and said, "Look where we are. We're in the middle of the ocean." Camera pans back to the other side and they're about 100 feet from the shore throughout their voyage. Hope they brought lots of fruit. It'd be a shame if they caught scurvy.

While I've always thought he was out of her league, and charming but harmless, this week for the first time I actively disliked him. Maybe it's just my natural antipathy towards confidence – he was the most confident of the three, with the least reason for it – but he came across to me as super oily. But chicks dig confidence, even when it's coming from a tiny dude with a bouffant and no body definition. I dunno, though. It just seemed he kept trying to say what she wanted to hear. I think he's full of it.

This was nowhere more clear than when she offered him the fantasy suite card. "I completely respect that your daughter will be watching, my family will be watching, blah, blah, blah. There's a time and a place, blah, blah, blah." But then they used the key, found a comfy couch and proceeded to make out in front of the camera. Little Ricki will be okay with that.

"Please, Ricki, just 3 more hours."

She saved the best for last: Arie. Miss Emily loves how protective he is of her. And indeed, on this date he protected her from a vicious dolphin attack. What she had to find out, though, is if there's anything more than chemistry between the two of them. They love to kiss. And kiss. And in between kiss. So they decided to talk this time. She wondered about a typical day for him. He said he gets up around 9 each morning and Emily had the look of "You poor sap, you don't know what you're in for, do you?" in her. She told him she and Little Ricki arise around 6 am.

Still not sure everything's registering with Arie, though. He asked her if at the end of this process he's the man, what would they do about visiting each other. Or maybe it did register. After hearing she gets up at six every morning, maybe he thinks it prudent to keep two residences.

There was no fantasy suite card offered poor Arie, but only because Emily said she didn't trust herself. Arie is just too stinkin' hot. Oh, and she's a role model and mother, don't forget. That, too.

The final 40 minutes were tearfully spent in the realization that Miss Emily will have to send one of the guys home. Who would it be? She could see a happy future life with each of them and is "falling in love with each of them in different ways." (Not sure how many different ways you can fall in love with someone, but we'll go along with it.)

Chris Harrison told her that each man had left her a "very private, personal video message." So private and personal that only Miss Emily and whoever else was watching on broadcast television or the internet could watch.

After looking the least confident on his date, Sean came across the most confident on video. Probably because he didn't have to speak directly to Emily's face. He told her he's "head over heels in love" with her and said he looked "forward to being a father to your daughter." And then, "I love you and I don't want you ever to forget that." Her eyes filled with regret-filled tears.

"... a thousand sunsets..."

Jef continued with his line of BS, talking about their "journey" and saying, "We'll watch a thousand sunsets." Or, to put it another way, almost three full years' worth. Obviously not thinking long-term. But long for Bachelor/ette standards, I guess. His delivery sounded like he was reading from cue cards.

Arie sounded heartfelt and sincere (I guess, judging from the outtakes at the end of the show, after numerous takes at sounding heartfelt and sincere). He said, "I don't think you realize how beautiful you are inside and out. I can't wait to remind you of that every day... I love you so much."

In fairness to Sean, Emily looked just as sick during all their very private and personal presentations. There were no smiles.

Finally the moment Emily could not postpone any longer. It was brass tacks time. The first rose went to One-F. While she stood there quivering, Arie looked unsure. Sean was gaining confidence by the second. What could go wrong?!

Well, Arie got the second rose. Which, if math is your strong suit, meant Sean was the unlucky lover. Gob-smacked, I say he was. Numb. She led him outside. They sat down. They didn't speak. "What are you thinking about?" Miss Emily asked. She'd make a fine sports reporter.

And Sean handled it like a champ. Sad but not babyish. He said he felt kind of stupid, didn't see it coming... You know, the usual. When he said, "I think you should know it's gonna hurt me," Miss Emily broke down in sobs.

As he spoke stoically in the limo ride of shame, my feeling was that we're watching the next Bachelor. He has it all: blond hair, blue eyes, money and muscles. And he seems like a decent guy. And I'm sure all the ladies swooned when he said, "Honestly, when she walked out tonight, in my head I thought that's my wife." (The head, by the way, is the best place for thoughts.) "I knew without a doubt I was going to marry her... I had a beautiful picture of what my life was going to look like and now it's gone... I want to love someone with every ounce of my being."

And so we're left with two. Or one-and-a-half. I can't believe Jef is even in it at this point. I'm thinking maybe the harder decision was cutting Sean, so she kept Jef around so it wouldn't be so hard in the final week.

Next week, though, is the guys tell all episode. We'll have to wait two weeks – and on a Sunday yet when I'll be three thousand miles away – for the finale. The highlights hint at trouble in paradise! Maybe Emily pulls a Brad 1.0 and picks neither of them!

Hometown visits: Miss Emily is loved by all

Hang tight, we're getting there.

It's hometown visits this week and that can only mean one thing: We can see the light at the end of this long, boring tunnel! Actually, I don't quite mean that. I, for one, am glad it's been a relatively freak-free season. We want what's best for the young lady, don't we? She's not a monkey who will dance at our command for our pleasure; she's there to find a husband and father to her daughter. Personally, I think the real drama is better than all that faux stuff we usually get because now she's forced to choose a good man among other good men. There isn't a clear-cut leader. And as we saw in the upcoming highlights at the end of this episode, there'll be lots of tears. So it's a win-win.

Before the visits, Miss Emily gave a little rundown of each guy. The only thing that stood out to me was when talking about One-F Jef she said, "I want a guy with a bit of an edge and Jef has that." That, right there, will tell you what kind of season this has been when cuddly little Jef passes as the guy with edge.

Each of the hometown visits went well, but I get the feeling the southern belle would put on a brave face no matter what the situation. We saw a couple iffy scenes and she grinned and beared it with the best of 'em.

First up was Chicago, Illinois, where Creepy Chris was in his element. Last week, he told Miss Emily that he was falling in love with her. This week, Em responded with, "I could totally see myself falling in love with Chris." Catch the difference? She's not falling in love with him but could see that happening one day... maybe... in Bizarro world. Here's hoping Chris was paying attention while watching at home this week. Poor sod.

Chris revealed he's a first-generation Pole and takes Miss Em to a bar for a beer where she tells him that his little trick of pulling her aside at the rose ceremony last week was "so sweet." Note to every future contestant in this series: If you're on the bubble, ask to speak privately with the rose-bearer before the fateful decision. It's only worked every other time in franchise history!

A re-enactment of dinner at Chris'

At his folks' place, they sat Last Supper-style at the table, with one side completely empty. Maybe it's a Polish thing. Papa Pole told Emily they didn't want to see their son heart-broken. Well, what parent would? But why bring that up? Isn't that an inherent risk in any new relationship? No risk, no reward. But maybe they know something about the volatile Christopher we've only seen glimpses of, and that's that he takes things pretty personally. So his older sister told Emily that if he's not the one, it's better to end it sooner rather than later. This is what's known in the business as foreshadowing.

The meeting goes so well, Chris is on cloud nine. He tells her outright that he is in love with her. Twice, even, for emphasis. She responds by kissing him. There's nothing like that first time you tell your new partner you love them and not hearing it echoed back. I wanted him to pull away from the embrace and say, "Uh, is there anything you'd like to say?"

Back at the house, a Polish polka band plays and there's much dancing and gnashing of sausage.

Not the Mormon Tabernacle Choir

Next up was Utah for One-F Jef's hometown visit. I get the sneaking suspicion young One-F is a devout LDS'er. Now hear me out, Mormons. I have nothing against you. I've even been to one of your services. I only mention this because they're not quite bringing it up on the show and it might be a factor in Miss Emily's decision. Granted, my first inkling was that Jef is from Utah. I know there are plenty of non-Mormons there, including the entire roster of the Utah Jazz. But there's more. His parents weren't around on the hometown visit because they were away in South Carolina doing "charity work." I wonder if that charity involves knocking on strangers' doors. Otherwise, why not mention it? Charity is wonderful. Then there was the mammoth family, seemingly kept on a commune in the mountains behind a fence. And his sisters cryptically wondering if the two lovebirds had matching "goals and values."

Again, I want to stress that it doesn't matter at all if they are if it doesn't matter to Miss Emily. But if it does, we should know about it. I'd like to see her diplomatically tiptoe around that.

Before meeting the extended family, One-F took her for a ride in a jeep, stopping only to shoot guns. He tries to show off what a good shot he is at skeet, and in fact manages to hit them all, but Miss Emily one-ups him. She pretends she doesn't know how to hold a weapon, then proceeds to connect on all the shots, too. To me, the activity looks damn-near impossible and here's a skinny-jeaned kid and a fake-boobed vixen making it look like the easiest thing in the world. She says she takes gun lessons at home. For those outside the United States, that's a bit alarming, but I guess it's a pretty common thing down there.

Then they head to the commune... er, ranch. Miss Emily said, "Jef surprises me all the time." Turns out he didn't tell her about the ranch. What happened to never keeping secrets? Huh?

They greet the fenced-in family members, and they keep on coming. Then I had to wonder how many wives Daddy One-F has. But we'll never know. The older brother cheers the visitor with lemonade (another clue) and then asks his younger brother if Emily's life is built on "sound principles." Another clue?

When they leave, he tells her he wrote down some thoughts on his plane ride back from Prague. There was a lot there but it boiled down to the fact their union was "meant to be." Also, "I'm completely in love with everything about you." He then went on to itemize an endless list of what exactly he loves. Yeah, yeah, we under the concept of "everything," Jef. Nuff said.

After that, Emily told the camera, "I love so many things about Jef." Again, did you catch the difference? Everything vs so many things. Here's where an itemized account would be instructive. But it was not forthcoming.

Next up was Scottsdale, Arizona, to meet up with Speed Racer Arie. Turns out speed racing runs in his family. His dad actually won the Indy 500. Twice, even. See for yourself at the always-reliable (read: sometimes reliable) Wikipedia.

How do you spell Arie?

The "stupid hot" Arie took Miss Emily for a spin around the track. She wouldn't have done that with anyone else, she said, but she trusts him. And she trusts him, presumably, because he's "stupid hot." Anyway, they survived.

Arie tempered Emily's expectations by describing his European parents, saying his mom would be the "least open-minded" one there. It worked. Emily was nervous: "I'd be crushed if his parents didn't absolutely adore me." She's a pleaser, that Emily. I can't imagine she's ever met anyone who didn't absolutely adore her. It would probably send her spiraling into an existential crisis if that happened.

Not to worry. Though there was a tense moment when Arie's Dutch mother had the nerve to speak in Dutch to Arie, and Arie dutifully responded in kind, it all resolved itself. Arie said later it must have been awkward for Miss Emily, but it didn't stop him from carrying on in a foreign language in front of his future wife. But it was all good. They were only saying nice things. At least that's what they told Miss Emily.

Arie Sr., the old jock (if you accept the idea that race car driving is a sport), sounded like one in his heartfelt talk with Arie Jr.: "I hope you make it to the end, buddy."

Finally, Miss Emily flew to Dallas to meet up with Sean. One commenter on last week's post predicted Sean would be the last man standing. I bet they were sweating when he pulled that little prank on her. The "wholesome, well-rounded guy," according to Emily, took her to his parent's gorgeous house that housed a separate gorgeous house for Selective Sean's niece. Seriously, if you didn't see it, you won't believe it. I guess it's a dollhouse, but Miss Emily could stand fully upright in it. And, frankly, it looked nicer than my own regular house. These people are well-to-do. That might seal the deal for Miss Emily, who needs to be well taken care of.

So the joke was that Sean told Emily he still lived at home. Miss Emily went right along with it as if it were perfectly fine. But of course she knew it wasn't true. Earlier in the day, he took his dogs and her for a walk somewhere in Dallas, saying he lives "two minutes away." Then they take a 40-minute drive (according to Google maps) to Colleyville. I hope, if anything, it tells her that his sense of humour is hokey and ill-formed. If she can live with that, fine, go ahead and choose him. I guess if she can't, she can always go sleep in the dollhouse.

He keeps the gag going by showing her his "room", which is a pig sty. He says, "I wish my mom would have picked up a little bit." I guess that was part of the joke. If not, he can at least pass it off as one. Not that Miss Emily seemed to mind. She said, "That's alright, I can clean." What an angel. I hope she was just going along with the joke. He then introduced her to all "his" stuffies. They never did reveal whose room it really was and why it was so messy.

(If you stuck around till the closing credits, you'll have seen where Sean gets his "sense of humour" from. His dad brought out a gag armadillo as the entree. Again, the joke backfired because Miss Emily ain't some Yankee. She's from North Carolina. That's regular Sunday dinner where she comes from.)*

*Southern readers, chill out. Remember, I'm one of you. Southern Canadian, but still. I studied your ways for years by watching Beverly Hillbillies.

Outside the home, they smooch, with Selective Sean unselectively ramming his tongue into her mouth. She hops in the gas-guzzling SUV and is driven off. But wait. Sean loves to yell. "Emily! Emily!" Then he runs after the vehicle. It stops and he gets one last kiss. What a sap.

Back in Los Angeles, Miss Emily feels pre-emptively bad for whoever gets sent home. She doesn't want them thinking the decision was a reflection on the family, when it's clearly a reflection on the dude.

I got caught up in the blur of visits and forgot about Chris's sister's plea to send him home sooner rather than later, so my prediction was One-F Jef. But no. The roses went in order to Arie, Jef and Sean. Chris was seething, as expected. But what was he thinking? Didn't he learn anything from last week? When he was standing there with Sean, both rose-less, he should have asked to speak to Emily alone. Boom! Automatic rose.

They sat down outside and he said nothing until she spoke. At first I thought he said, "I'm not too shocked." But he followed it with, "Do you have an explanation?" So I rewound it several times and eventually concluded it must have been, "I'm actually shocked." Anyway, he couldn't understand her decision. She explained that their relationship just wasn't moving at the same pace as the others. He held himself back as best as he could, but he couldn't help showing definite signs of rage: "How much faster could it have possibly moved? I told you I loved you!" What he failed to notice at the time in the heartfelt kiss that followed was that she didn't say anything back.

In the limo ride of shame that followed, he couldn't even bring himself to mention this girl's name: "I loved this girl. Thought she loved me back. It's gonna be weird waking up tomorrow and there's no future with this girl." (Okay, he did say her name once but that doesn't fit the narrative I'm choosing so I'm editing it out.)

Despite the rejection, his youthful cockiness wouldn't die: "I'm ten times the man [bleep] of all those dudes that are still there." Well, then, it should be no problem finding a mate. And with those piercing, evil-looking eyes, he can make a fine living as a villain in action films. Not to worry about Chris. But if I were his older sister, I'd hide out for a while.

In the upcoming highlights, we see Miss Emily crying, saying she's scared and doesn't want to hurt anyone. But surely she knows every single rejectee from seasons past gets over it in a matter of weeks. In fact, the ads for Bachelor Pad (airing July 23) already show the smug visage of Kondescending Kalon prancing into the mansion, and that was probably filmed within weeks of him being dumped.

Alright, so we're down to the final three. One reader weighed in last week that Sean would win it all. I've been leaning towards Arie, but I could honestly see any one of these guys winning. Who you got?