Bachelor Canada: The virgin & the playmate

Love, Canadian style

Here we are again for another exciting edition of Bachelor Blogger, Canadian style. I just took a look at the stats thinking I'd see only Canadians checking in here this past week. But there are international visitors to this page. Sure, they could be accidental tourists, but I'll take 'em. Maybe they're ex-pats. Whatever, good to have you.

Maybe it's because I was expecting the worst, but I'm enjoying this northern version of the Bachelor. Canadians have an innate suspicion of Canadian TV. Chalk it up to being the neighbours of show biz central, but also chalk it up to that our TV generally sucks a ton of hard ass. Or should I say 'tonne'? That always confuses me. But Bachelor Canada is doing a fine job of looking like the American version, with the same compelling/frustrating story lines. Well done, whoever it is who's doing it. The mansion is extremely mansion-like, the helicopters are very helicopterish, and the locales are as equally located on a map.

As for the host, he's okay, although I can't remember his name. I told you last week he looked like a giant next to Bachelor Brad. I thought there was an off-chance Brad was just tiny, but I think we can safely assume Host Boy (until I learn his name) is actually a pituitary case. Did you notice his black sweater at the start of the show? It was the most ill-fitting piece of clothing I've ever seen on a human being. I'm guessing it was way too small for him. I realize it's hip to wear your shirt untucked hanging out from the sweater, but even granting that he looked like a kid going into a new grade wearing last year's clothes.

It's not just a mountain anymore

Our Canadian gals proved they can be just as vapid as any American women we see on TV. When the first date card arrived saying they'd be off to the Big Easy, not a one of them knew what that meant. Some thought it might be a mountain in Hawaii, one wondered if it wasn't New York's nickname. Sigh.

Isn't it unusual that a regular date would travel so far away? Usually everyone goes to a new city en masse before they divvy up dates. But this time, eight women were selected to fly from Vancouver Island to Louisiana. First, though, they had to shave their legs for the long plane ride.

While in New Orleans, they went to what looked like a brothel. A small jazz ensemble greeted them and out came the madam, who proceeded to strip. Only it wasn't stripping, it's "the art of tease." This distinction allowed the Giggly Pastor Chantelle to participate, but it was touch and go for a while. You see, she works with children and she wants them to be proud of what they see. Pride cometh before the fall, don't it? Makes you wonder why she applied to become a contestant on this show if she was worried about showing off her sinful side. "I'm a woman of faith," she said, "but I also want to fall in love." Okay, fair enough. Now shut up and take off your clothes.

She nailed the, er, presentation. Watching her moves, you'd never guess she's still a virgin. But then turn up the volume and hear the giggles and it all starts to makes sense.

Chantelle got the rose, as well she should. I have to agree with Brad on that one. She's totally cute and seems like a great person. The giggling might eventually wear you down, like, say, after about ten minutes, but she's in my top five for sure.

[Okay, let's do a top 5. I reserve the right to change any of these at any point during the season. But as they stand now, here they are: 5. Kara 4. Sophie 3. Chantelle 2. Laura B. 1. Nicole.]

While the Pastor was the biggest surprise on the date, the biggest disappointment had to be Chantelle's opposite Melissa-Marie, aka the Single Mom Playboy model. You'd figure it was her competition to lose, right? But she made a good point: when posing nude you don't have to dance around. Also, when posing nude you can lie on your back so your paunch looks flat. It's hard to suck it in for any length of time when moving around.

MM proceeded to fret about her daughter, whom she misses terribly. I understand missing your kid but you kinda know what you're getting into when you sign onto these things. Methinks maybe it was more of a cry for attention.

Line of the date went to Brad. When Laura F. used giant feathers as props in her dance, Brad didn't get to see enough of her except for when she would hold them horizontally and open them up. "There was the clam, which I appreciated," he said. I bet he did.

While those eight women flew back to Victoria, Brad jetted over to Las Vegas to meet the next four women. No gambling was involved. Instead they went to a race track where the girls got to drive Ferrari's around. Sophie from Moncton, Kara from Delta, and the two psychos Whitney and Gabrielle took turns doing laps. Fastest won a date with Brad.

Danger: Whitney

Last week I couldn't see what Gabrielle's problem with Whitney was. It didn't help that Gabrielle seemed unhinged. This week I get it. When Sophie tore off on her laps, Brad said, "You girls are in tough right now." Whitney shot him a look and said, in all seriousness, "Don't say that!" No sense of playfulness at all. That's a danger sign right there. A red flag, if you will. Will you?

Kara and Gabby finished 4th and 3rd, respectively, while there was one-tenth of a second difference between Sophie and Whitney, but Whitney won (I'm sure the producers made that call). And off they went. I have no recollection of their private date beyond a helicopter ride. I see I didn't make any notes. What happened? If there was anything to it anyone wants to add, make use of the comments section. I'm a comments suck.

Okay, maybe not

Next up was the one-on-one date, with a rose on the line. After trips to New Orleans and Las Vegas, Laura B., the lucky recipient of this date, must have been wondering where she'd get to go. The cocktail waitress from Ottawa was whisked away to... downtown Victoria. Yes, it's beautiful and a tourist destination but I'm jaded because it's my hometown. Doesn't seem all that thrilling. They walked around the legislature grounds, which is nice but she's from Ottawa where the parliament buildings are a bigger deal. They then had dinner on the patio at the Empress Hotel. It occurred to me that Laura B. reminds me exactly of one of my favourite comedic actresses, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. So I immediately developed a bit of a crush on her.

The date ended with one of those embarrassing private concerts where the couple are expected to slow dance to a singer I've never heard of before. Only this time I have! It was Jill Barber. Can-con rules!

And with that, all the dates were over. Or were they? Three women were left out, including Ana, who, you'll recall, was the lucky recipient of the pity rose last week, an extra rose Brad decided to hand out because Ana never got any time with Brad despite trying so hard. Brad says he's not the type of guy to hand out an extra rose and not take her on a date. So he snuck into her bedroom and aroused her... Wait a second, get your minds out of the gutter. I mean he gently poked her... Hey, snap out of it. This is network TV we're talking about. I mean he woke her up. Good thing she didn't scream. Even better thing he didn't scream when he saw her without her makeup.

It was really early in the morning, but it was light out. The two went off by seaplane to Tofino, on the west coast of Vancouver Island. Ana was excited as all get out... sort of. "We're going to Tofino!... Where's Tofino?"

The two took a long walk on a longer beach. Then they sat down on a Hudson's Bay blanket for a picnic which included beer, which was so wrong on two counts: 1. It's illegal to drink alcohol on beaches in BC. 2. It was still the morning! But now that I think about it, I'm sure it was just a promotional shot for the sponsor. They probably had water or juice in the bottles. That's what I want to believe.

The playboy model and the giggly pastor forged a bond back at the mansion. They both really, and inexplicably, like each other. Chantelle was thinking that she should probably tell Brad she's a virgin. Melissa, not getting it, said that fact "would probably scare the crap out of a lot of guys."

But at the cocktail party, things got testy between the lady and the tramp. It seems Chantelle, who already had a rose, told MM she could have one-on-one time with Brad first. She needed to tell Brad she had a kid and put him in an uncomfortable position this early in the proceedings by drunkenly forcing him to opine on the presence of said child immediately. On her first attempt to get to Brad, she was met with the maiden already there. "Oh, fuck me," she said. "This is ridiculous." And out she stormed. Back inside, she did a spot-on impression of her former best friend, while the pastor thought maybe MM had a touch too much communion wine.

Melissa-Marie out of control

She finally got to Brad, though. It probably didn't help her cause that she was clearly shit-faced. Brad described it thusly: "This one is going downhill with no brakes." And we knew then and there that's the last we'd see of the Playboy model. At least until her edition hits the news stands. Then we'll see a lot more of her.

And while Whitney was parading around in Amy Winehouse's f*** me pumps, and necking with Brad on the veranda, the lovely Laura B. decided to let that get to her. She tried to play the interrupting game but the controlling Whitney told her to come back in two minutes. Laura didn't skip a beat. Without breaking stride, she turned right around and walked out, only to look back and see the two playing tonsil hockey. Despite being rosed earlier, her insecurities – no doubt influenced by the free-flowing grape juice – got the better of her. She spent a good portion of time up in the bathroom crying to whoever would listen that she should just quit right now before Brad finds out how boring she is.

Brad eventually got wind of the meltdown and talked her down off the toilet seat. He asked her to stay, or at least to make her decision in the morning, i.e. when she sips on her eye of newt and toe of frog concoction. "I don't know what's wrong with me," she told him. He, like a true gentleman, held his tongue. Or maybe it was still in Whitney's mouth.

With Laura Louis-Dreyfus and the Giggly Virgin Pastor already rosed, ten more would be handed out while four would go home. In order they went to:

1. Softball Kara
2. Tia
3. Sophie
4. Britany
5. Mop-Top Michelle B.
6. Catty Gabby
7. Whitney, with the fake boobs and all-too-real eyebrows
8. Romanian Ana
9. Nicole, who whispered she'd accept the rose but he owes her a date
10. former NBA girlfriend Bianka

Only one of the four going home provided any tears. Michelle V. worried that she might never find love. But there's only room for one Michelle so she had to go. The others to leave were Melissa-Marie, Laura F., and the model/neuroscientist Stephanie, who all left with their heads held high.

Looks like there might be some drama (i.e. comedy) next week, too. Surely our Canadian producers are too honest to toy with us like their American counterparts do.

Bachelor Canada, eh?!

Well, look who's back! You thought I had retired when I wasn't around to blog about Bachelor Pad? But no. I was simply resting. They can't keep adding franchises and expect endless copy. I'm but one man. Not only was it in the middle of a very hot summah (cue Six White Boomers by Rolf Harris), but I had to rest up for Bachelor Canada. Because if a Canadian-based blogger can't get on board with this, who can?

Are there any American readers out there? I know there were for the American versions. But is BC even on your radar (or cable packages)? Maybe you're curious. I'm sure in today's world, there's a way for you to watch from abroad. If so, you'll see that BC looks identical to BA (Bachelor America, I'm dubbing it) minus Chris Harrison and plus more hockey references and the occasional "eh?" thrown in for bad measure.

The Canadian Chris Harrison is a giant by the name of Tyler Harcott. And if he isn't 7 feet tall, the Bachelor himself, an entitled jock named Brad Smith, is a shrimp. Harcott stands a full head over Brad. It was a little disconcerting. He should practice being shorter. It's the polite thing to do in human-sized company.

If you read what passes as tabloids in Canada, you'll have heard that Brad is a former CFL "star". Now, I'm not up on any football, let alone the Canadian version, but I've got a passing knowledge of the stars. And I've never heard of Brad Smith. Early in the show he reveals he's 28, i.e. an athlete's prime. If he's not in the league now, suffice it to say "star" is being used as a synonym for "player". Or maybe that hideous chest tattoo caused a career-ending injury.

But I do know enough about the CFL to have immediately known his dad was former CFL commissioner Larry Smith as soon as it was mentioned Brad was the son of a senator. Hence my use of the adjective 'entitled'.

Blogging about the show's various incarnations has always felt safe as I sit at a comfortable distance away in a foreign country. Now how do I feel about being snarky to someone I might run into one day? It gave me pause... for about a second before I realized how old I am – we're not exactly running in the same circles. And the fact I barely leave the house might also be a factor.

But the show's mansion is in my hometown of Victoria. I couldn't tell which part of the city it's in from what we saw, but maybe I'll clue in as the season moves forward. One interesting difference in the show is that this opening episode was a very manageable 90 minutes rather than the bloated 2 hours the US serves us. But fast-forwarding the PVR through the commercials leads me to believe the total air time was probably very close to the same. There are hardly any ads at all. Is that a death-knell to the northern version? Time will tell.

Does this look like a "star"?

Okay, let's get on with the nuts and bolts of the episode. Brad admitted he once had a big head on his big shoulders. He was caught up in being in the CFL, if you can believe it. But then he decided he didn't want to be defined by football. You know, the way we always think about football when we hear the name Brad Smith.

I'm jumping around here, but I have scribbled in my notes that Harcott had the nerve to tease an upcoming segment by calling it "the most shocking entrance in Bachelor history." Seriously. He didn't say Bachelor Canada history. And that entrance? Dear beloved Jillian Harris returning to the show to help Brad with his decision. Ooh, shocking! Yes, she was the greatest Bachelorette in history, but her entrance tonight was whatever the opposite of 'shocking' is. (Still, it was great to see her.)

The women ran the gamut, as they always do, from hot all the way to smoking hot. Some less than charitable readers might scoff at this description but let's just say beauty is subjective and in some cultures many of them would be considered hot. Here's a quick rundown, in order of appearance, with their fate in parentheses.

1. Laura B., 23, from Ottawa. (rose)
2. Michelle B, yoga instructor with the Shirley Temple hairdo. (rose)
3. Michelle V. I scribbled down "shoes" for some reason. Was she the one in Herman Munster platforms? (rose)
4. Jessica, a CFL cheerleader. A natch, right? Wrong. (buh-bye)
5. Whitney, 24, from Calgary. A boxing beauty. (first impression rose)
6. Ana, a 26-year-old Romanian from Ottawa with a body that won't quit. (extra rose)
7. Mindy, 33, from Alberta, works in a photo lab, studying to be a funeral director, and loves hunting. Tattoo in the centre of her chest and a big one on her back. Wore hiking boots under her cocktail dress. Seriously. (buh-bye)
8. Clarice, 25, office administrator from Toronto. (buh-bye)
9. Sophie, 26, a university recruiter from Moncton, who speaks French. (rose)
10. Britany (rose)
11. Rebecca, aka Bubba, 27, a real estate agent from Toronto. (buh-bye)
12. Tracy, 28, from Victoria. A local girl representin'! (buh-bye – at least it's a short walk home)
13. Fawn, bleach blond from Ajax, Ontario. (buh-bye)
14. Stephanie, a model/neuroscientist (I am not making that up) from Montreal. (rose)
15. Amber, a Winnipeg strip club server (I am not making that up, either) who made her entrance on a motorbike. (buh-bye)
16. Bianka, 28, a nurse who dated Mr. Kim Kardashian (Kris Humphries) for two years while he was a Toronto Raptor before he dumped her for KK (rose)
17. Chantelle, a giggly pastor from Sylvan Lake, Alberta (rose)
18. Melissa Marie, a 28-year-old single mom and Playboy model from Vancouver (rose)
19. Tia from Ottawa (rose)
20. Tina, a trial lawyer from Thunder Bay who wore heart-shaped sunglasses getting out of the limo (buh-bye)
21. Nicole, a drop-dead gorgeous optician from Ontario (rose)
22. Laura F., a medical student from Winnipeg (rose)
23. Gabrielle, 24, law student and certifiable psychotic (rose)
24. Sandy, a make-up artist from Alberta (buh-bye)
25. Kara, a competitive softball player from Delta, BC (rose)

That'd be 16 roses. Because Brad asserted his independence after handing out the assigned 15 roses. He felt bad about not having given one to Ana, whose efforts to talk to him all evening were squashed by the headstrong women he gave roses to. And he made a potentially horrifying statement that could come back to haunt him: "Any person that wants to fight for me that much is worth keeping around." Cue the cat fights.

Once again, we've gotten ahead of ourselves by revealing who advanced, but what the hell. I don't break the rules; I make the rules.

Right off the bat at the cocktail party, the dreaded stealing away became an issue. The girls were shocked. "What the hell was that?" one of them said. Uh, it's called the standard Bachelor gambit. Get used to it.

Gabrielle proved herself the most cunning of all right from the start by strutting over to Brad and getting the 'stealing away' ball rolling. When my home girl Tracy in turn went to steal him away from Gabrielle, she wasn't impressed. She asked for two more minutes, which the Victoria native graciously allowed. When Tracy returned for Brad, Gab told her it was "very rude what you're doing." Thus beginning her psychotic breakdown wherein she called Whitney an easy girl and a skank and proving herself to the producers that she must be kept around because shows like these need villains. I hope for her sake it's all an act to get more TV time.

Bianka, the nurse, cemented her rose by telling Brad she specializes in mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I'm not sure Brad understood she was just joking.

A funny moment came when the worldly single mom and Playboy model Melissa Marie stood off to the side with innocent giggly pastor Chantelle and admitted she had fake boobs then pointed out all the others in the house who were sporting them. It rocked Chantelle's world. I don't know what it says of me that I'm kind of looking forward to sexualizing of Chantelle. Will she make out with Brad? Will she wear a bikini? Will Melissa Marie recruit her for the pages of Playboy?

Then there were the Bubba segments. I kinda wish she had stuck around for the havoc she'd most certainly wreak. Full of piss and vinegar, she said things like, "I don't fight for cock. That's not how Bubba rolls." But she also revealed a vulnerable side when she revealed she was really insecure around the girls while otherwise so confidant. And when she was let go, she shed tears, saying all the other girls were "so skinny and I'm not." Before judging, remember that Canadian beer packs more punch than the American stuff.

Just before Jillian made her entrance, all the girls were floored when it was hinted that yet another contestant would enter the mix, who would represent .038% of everyone there so of course would provide a challenge. But of course, there would be no other surprise contestant. Rather it was just THE MOST SHOCKING ENTRANCE IN BACHELOR HISTORY!!!

As I said, and as you know, I'm a big Jillian Harris fan and it was great she could drop by. The women looked more excited to meet her than they were at meeting Brad. Her role was to help Brad by interviewing the girls. Not sure how much help he got. Her way of weeding out the women was by asking such hard-hitting questions as, "If you were an animal, what animal would you be?" Still, it gave Gabby a chance to repeat ad infinitum that she will always be herself. I'm thinking that's not such a selling point.

I hope we get to see the other Canadian former Bachelor stars, like the Wrassler. In fact, I wish he were the Bachelor. How fun would that be?

When Brad gave the lady boxer Whitney the first impression rose, they sealed it with a long, sultry kiss. I thought maybe it was a bit soon for such an in-depth saliva exchange, but I'm of an older generation perhaps. But young Gabby thought so, too, calling Whitney a skank to her face and implying she'd also sleep with a guy on the first date. The future lawyer was getting practice at leading the witness, your honour. Whitney took it with good humour and grace while Gabby kept on gabbing into the ether. She was obviously inspired to go to law school by watching A Few Good Men because she defended her outburst with, "It's not my fault people can't handle the truth."

Whitney, while showing grace under pressure, also revealed a cocky side, saying, "I will be safe for the rest of the rose ceremonies." We'll see about that.

Upcoming season highlights include trips to Las Vegas, Paris, New Orleans, and PEI. It's nice to see there was a decent-sized budget. The show really does have the same look and feel as the American version. I'm impressed. Also we can look forward to plenty of slammed doors, tears, helicopters and family concerns. And the ending sure looks like it might be in doubt. I guess we'll have to follow along.

Jef sweet-talks his way to victory

The most dramatic TV event of the summer is being blogged from far, far away. I'm in a time zone that doesn't even exist in the United States of America, that's how far away it is. I'm here surrounded by in-laws galore so I hope you appreciate me excusing myself and secluding myself in the bedroom to watch this MDTVEOTS.

It would be even ruder of me to do it two nights in a row so maybe I'll have to pass on Bachelor Pad tomorrow night. And if it seems compelling enough, I may weigh in later.

Tonight's final episode of The Bachelorette was live. Chris Harrison couldn't stress this enough. He even stooped so low as to bring real reality into it by taking a moment to reflect on the victims of the shooting in Colorado. Obviously, that was a horrible, horrible situation. But I watch reality TV to escape the horrors of real life. And it just seemed so out-of-context. I mean, there are sickening stories all the time in the news and Chris Harrison doesn't address them. I just thought he could have let this go and leave us safe in the cocoon of the make-believe.

But back to the fake reality.

That rock has Jef's lip prints all over it

Tonight was Miss Emily and One-F Jef's night. I've known for most of my life I don't always agree with the masses in popular taste, but I've never felt more alienated than tonight. The live studio audience seemed all smitten with the petite rockabilly teen. Everyone's eating up his line of crapola. I've teased Jef from the get-go, but tonight – before everything was revealed to us – I scribbled down that I don't think I've ever had as bad a reaction about a finalist before. He just strikes me as incredibly insincere. But maybe I'm just jealous of his silver tongue. The boy has definitely kissed the Blarney Stone at some point in his life. And I'm always suspicious of great talkers. Everything they say all seems too perfect.

One-F met Miss Emily's family first, bringing the ladies flowers. I know, right?! Who does that? Smooth-talking BS'ers, that's who. Em's mom asked him what his family thought about the whole process. Now, when a parent asks such a question to a son, "family" really means "parents", am I right? And that slick little dude didn't even mention that his folks never actually met Emily.

Let's harken back to a past season, when the parents of that adorable cutie-pie cheerleader (the name escapes me) didn't want to be a part of the hometown charade, and the wine-maker guy (again, not so good with names) wondered if he could carry on without having met her mother and father. Now here we have Emily ready and willing to get in the missionary position with One-F without ever having met his missionary parents.

Oh. Spoiler alert, I guess. Sorry about that.

Ernie shows some true grit

Diff'rent strokes, I guess. Anyway, her family loved Jef. They were, of course, taken with his eloquence. He had the exact same conversation with the mother, father and brother. One interesting tidbit that slipped out came from Emily's brother, Ernie, who looked like a young Glen Campbell. He said the last guy Miss Emily brought home was Ricky. Was that a slap in Brad's face or was the relationship less than what it appeared to be on the tee-vee?

When Jef got dad's blessing should he ask Emily to marry him, he acted like he just made a sale. (I realize I may be driving this point home about him being a smooth talker, but I just had a gross feeling about the guy.)

Next up was Arie's turn to meet the parents. Unlike Jef who entered with flowers and who immediately fake-hugged Emily's mom and future sister-in-law, Arie arrived bearing no gifts and offered mere handshakes to the womenfolk. And when talking to mom and bro, he brought up having dated a single mother before. The subtext was that he's also broken up with a single mother before. So maybe that didn't ingratiate him to them. But they all seemed to like him enough that in the end they couldn't recommend one fella over the other.

Funny to hear Ernie think Arie was "smooth and rehearsed" when he completely bought that load of hooey Jef was serving up.

The next day, Miss Emily met One-F Jef on a beach in Curaçao. As she approached, looking stunning as always, he said, "You look great." To which she replied to the guy wearing a grey T-shirt and shorts, "So do you." I guess it was a jarring change to the white T-shirt and shorts he wore to meet her family.

Emily told Jef how stressed she was. But he wasn't at all. Maybe that misplaced confidence won her over. Where does a guy like that get all that confidence from? It boggles the mind.

They talked about the Little Ricki situation. Miss Emily wasn't sure about introducing her daughter to any of the guys (although I was sure sleazy Ryan met her already, but you know how my memory is). She said, "The last time I got engaged I had a really guilty conscious" [sic] about introducing her to Brad.

I know the reasoning behind not wanting her child to meet these guys, but is it really going to affect her? She's young enough that she wouldn't really know what was happening. And when she finally caved and introduced Ricki to Jef, she called him "my friend." So that's how you handle it. Mommy's allowed to have friends, isn't she? And friends are allowed to have sleepovers, right?

But what was going to go wrong? Jef got along great with Ricki, as to be expected, and as just about any normal person would, including Arie. As I said before, Jef is closer in mental age to Ricki than Emily anyway. He just splashed around in the pool and was silly. Home run. Smooth talkers know how to charm kids, too.

Akira Curaçao

I gotta admit with all the distractions here far, far away from home, I couldn't pay as close attention to the details. My ears perked up when I heard Jef give Emily a book about the great Japanese director Akira Kurosawa. I couldn't believe it. I thought he was going to reveal some deep film hipster cred until I looked up and saw it was actually a book on Curaçao, not Kurosawa. My bad.

In the book, that hilarious Jef drew some stick figures of himself and Emily on the beaches of Curaçao. Only stick-figure Emily was wearing a itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny bikini and stick-figure Jef had a way better physique than the real-life version.

When they parted for the last time before the fateful day of decision, One-F told her, "Don't do too much thinking." He knew he stood no chance if she let her brains get in the way of her heart. Because no rational Bachelorette chooses Jef over Arie.

The following morning, Emily woke up with a sense of peace. It was supposed to be her final date with Arie, but she knew what she had to do. She called in the expert on other people's relationships, the recently-divorced Chris Harrison, for advice. The two of them agree that she'll dump the season-long frontrunner today instead of letting him do a Ben (the name just came to me) at the altar.

So of course the producers call off the date so Emily can talk to him before he heads out for the day. Right? Wrong. They send him on his merrily ignorant way to meet a local who teaches him how to make a love potion. When Emily arrives, she lets him apply it to her arms (and maybe legs, I missed that). "Thank you very much!" she feigned.

You know by now that love potion didn't work. Miss Emily started blubbering and Arie's face soon clued into what was happening. He didn't pull a Doug and kiss her. In fact, he acted perfectly appropriate: Shocked, saddened, and a bit pissed off. But not too much. I'm sure it didn't help when Emily said, "I never thought I'd have to make a choice between you and anybody. I always thought it would be me and you." Obviously she took Jef's advice not to think too much.

Arie didn't say much. He kissed her on the cheek and said, "I'll go." And up he went. She chased after him. His reaction was Ben-worthy when he was dumped by Ashley. Arie said, "I don't know what to say. Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment tomorrow. I appreciate that." Only he said it kind of sarcastically. And when she asked if she could walk him out, he said, "Yeah, sure," but didn't hold her hand or anything. That's how you do it, people!

The best part of the night was the reaction shots from the gob-smacked studio audience. Priceless! Chris Harrison got some reactions from Ashley and J.P., who are still apparently a couple. At least in public, anyway. DeAnna was also there, dressed down in jeans among all the designer dresses. And Michael Stagliano, who is incapable of saying no to anything involving cameras and/or the Bachelor franchise. And finally someone named Ashley S., from Brad's season, we were told in case we didn't remember. And we didn't. And all of them had nothing of value to add.

Would he or wouldn't he?!

So with Arie out of the way, the big drama was whether Jef would propose to Emily, and if so, would Emily say yes. Ooh, nail-biting stuff!

Guess what? He proposed. And she said yes. And the dude kept at it with the non-stop grandiloquence. "If you let me into your life – and Ricki's life – you'll never feel lonely again." And, "What I'm about to ask you is a forever thing." Blech.

Usually, I give these things a few months. Even though I can't see these two being together long-term, I think it might last a bit longer. A year maybe? Probably not more, but it's hard to say.

The only good to come out of this decision is that we no longer face the faint prospect of One-F Jef being the next Bachelor.

At the After the Final Rose portion of the show, Arie revealed that when he was sent home he couldn't go out with his friends because he wears his emotions on his sleeve. So he flew to Charlotte with the intention of meeting Emily and maybe sweeping her off her feet. But when he got there, his own feet got cold, so he just called her and asked if he could drop off his journal. She said yes, then proceeded to not read it. She stamped Return To Sender on it, and gave it back to him in front of the studio audience. Double-rejection! She didn't read it, she said, out of respect for both Arie and Jef.

Arie got her back with a possibly intentional slip that sounded warm until you ran it back in your head what exactly he said: "I do have anything but love for you and Jef." Oh, I hope that was intentional. It's just about perfect.

Then Jef came out to be reunited with his love. And I lost interest. I heard him say it doesn't feel like they met on a show; it seems real. I also heard him say that "every day I wished I could meet" Ricki. Odd, but okay, whatever.

And even Harrison picked up on the guy's gift of the gab, saying, "He's quite the eloquent speaker." And Miss Emily replied dreamily, "The best."

So there you go, fellas. Go sign up with your local Toastmasters to land the girl of your dreams. They fall for bombast every time.

May they live happily ever after... or until their contract expires