Bachelor Canada: Zipping along

Wow, is this thing ever moving along rapidly. This was the fourth episode and we're down to the final four already. And don't forget, one Canadian episode = 90 minutes rather than the bloated 2-hour American version. Even though they keep telling us Brad is making these decisions, I've got to think he's being guided. If the network wanted the show strung out a bit longer, he'd be eliminating one or two per show, not four a week. I guess it isn't the cash cow the original series is. Too bad.

Too-Tall McGhee

Last week I suggested someone should mention the host's name once or twice just to put it in our heads. My wife read that and emailed me an article on the guy, name and all. Which went in one eye and out the other. Or something like that, because I don't remember what it is again.

That gangly host told the women at the start of the show that Brad insisted he needs more time with the frontrunners so he'd be eliminating four more. Is anyone buying that excuse? Sure, he says he's starting to develop deep and "intimate" feelings, but the more women he eliminates, the shorter the series will run, meaning less time, not more, with his favourite(s). Or maybe he just wants to hurry things along to the anticipated fantasy suite so he can act on those intimate feelings.

Tonight, Gabrielle continued her record of never uttering a sentence without invoking the name of Whitney. She started off saying she thinks she's going to get a rose and, indeed, hopes she's going to get a rose. Not because she digs Brad or anything, but "so I can shove it in Whitney's face." Who's there for the wrong reasons?

The first date was a 4-on-1 with Ana, Kara, Gabby and Britany and they got to shoot an 8-page spread in Lulu magazine. Or something that sounded like Lulu magazine. I'd never heard of it and Brad mumbled both times he mentioned it. There's money well spent, Lulu! (Just Binged it: it's actually LouLou magazine.)

While Gabby was always reminding us about Whitney, Britany told us she was a small-town girl every time she opened her mouth. And an insecure one at that. The Swift Current native was also intimidated. She wasn't sure her connection with Brad was the same as some of the others. And, in case you missed it, she's a small-town girl. Note to self: small-town girls like to cry a lot.

On Gabby's photo shoot, she and Brad got to make out in a limo. I almost didn't recognize her as she was heavily made-up. It was almost clown make-up. Not attractive. Since Whitney wasn't on this date, Gabby felt the need to attack someone else. Britany was her victim. She said professional hair and make-up people can make anyone look good. Irony – I love it!

Britany had other things on her mind. She was all worried about potentially introducing Brad to her family. Here's the problem: the girls barely know Brad. It's way, way too soon to be meeting families. So what this has done is force somebody like Britany, who wouldn't even have been in this position if they had taken their time, to open up way too soon. Not only that, but open up about her family on national TV. I get that in small towns, everybody knows everybody else's business, but maybe her dad didn't need his problems exposed like that. I'm not even going to mention them here.

Brad said he'd normally give a rose just for being so brave about opening up, but in this rushed format he had to take his time. One woman was supposed to get a rose but he said he wasn't in the right frame of mind to make such a rational decision.

Back at the mansion, Whitney wasn't going to wait around for Brad. She took control and ran off to find him. She said she had a pretty good idea where he was. Okay, fair enough. So she gets to the hotel, but knows to go up to the fifth floor? And has a hunch which room he's in? She's amazing.

Brad was "so happy" she was there but worried if she or he would "get in trouble" for her shenanigans. Maybe he hasn't even seen an episode so it's a fair question. But if he had, he not only would have known it was fair game, but he'd know that it's always the beautiful sociopath that pulls the move.

All she says is that she really wants him to meet her family. Then somehow he feels the need to open up to her about the deaths of two of his best friends. Not sure how that came up, but it was very emotional for him. And they are the reasons he got that giant hideous tattoo on his chest. I suppose I can't make fun of it now. But couldn't it have been more discreet? You know, I've spoken to plenty of old people who have had tragic losses when they were young, and none of them have forgotten even without the aid of a tattoo. But yes, it was sad so I'll say no more.

He also revealed to Whitney that for a while he treated people terribly until a couple years ago, when he started being the nice guy he is now. So it was an emotional one-way conversation. Whitney sat there stoically. Of course they kissed when he was finished and she said she was glad he told her, but one got the sense she was only glad because it gave her the upper hand in the competition. In fact, she then said, "I better get that 1-on-1 date!" You see, she does exhibit empathy!

The 2-on-1 date was next and it was a doozy because one of them would be going home. If you've read my previous missives, you'll know my favourite has been Laura B. So a date with her and the almost NBA wife Bianka was a no-brainer. Bianka had been the most closed off of anyone. This date was all Laura's. Done deal.

They flew to Paris. Yes, that Paris. Not Paris, Ontario. Not Paris, Texas. The real deal. On the date card, they called it the City of Love. With a group that didn't know the Big Easy was New Orleans, you could be sure they wouldn't be sure about the City of Love. Was it New York? No, that's the Big Apple. Yeah, but it could be called something else. Was it Oakville, Ontario? No, that was a joke. But whatever, surely they couldn't be going to Paris, France. This is Bachelor Canada! Canadian shows don't do things like this.

Well, they do, but then they blow their budget in the first three weeks and have to pull the rip cord early.

So Laura B. met Brad in front of the Eiffel Tower in the pouring rain. It was sexy. They kissed under the tower. There was passion. There was cheesy accordion music. But Brad couldn't let go of the night Laura had "an emotional meltdown." You know what I call that? Just about any episode in the history of the show, just about any contestant in the history of the show, and just about any woman in the history of womankind. What's the big deal? She had some wine and her hormones were kicking in. Other than that, she seems utterly delightful.

They then went to Brad's room, changed into the hotel robes and drank wine. He admitted he gets nervous around her. As he should. One of them said, "I like how we are together." Can't remember who but the other one agreed. I like how they are together, too.

It was make it or break it for Bianka. Her guard was still up. She said she can't see herself being engaged after this. Smart cookie, sure, but is that what you're looking for, Brad?

They stop at a creperie and Brad effortlessly converses in French with the server. It made me proud, for some strange reason even though I don't speak French. When he got up to leave, leaving Bianka behind, she called out, Au revoir in the worst French I've heard since grade 8. It made me the opposite of proud.

Bringing the two women together the plan was to take a carriage ride for three around the city. But we know enough about Brad to know he makes up his mind quickly. So right there on a bridge he gave the rose to... Bianka! Unbelievable. But Laura B. was a trooper. She smiled and waved them off. In her goodbye interview she fought back some tears but still laughed as she said, "I love how much of a goofball he is." Then, to prove she's not an emotional juvenile after all, she said, "That's how life goes." Que sera, sera and all that. Let this be an audition for many future dates. If there's a Bachelorette Canada, my vote is for Laura B.

The 1-on-1 date was between Whitney and the virginal Chantelle. No surprise as he picked Whitney, leaving Chantelle as the only one not to get a date this week. The chaste one said it's "definitely hard to not be pursued."

So Brad flew back from Paris and met Whitney in Penticton where, after a leaping leg wrap-around greeting, they took a helicopter to Diamondback Wall to face Brad's biggest fear. I can't believe one would have a fear of rappelling only. He must also fear heights. Anyway, they attempted (and, spoiler alert, completed!) a simulated rock rescue.

Whitney descended first while Brad fretted and almost lost his lunch. But if we know anything about daredevil stunts, extreme sports and relationships, they're all about trust. That's why in the history of extreme sports, not a single couple has ever divorced or caused the other to mistrust them. Because if you can trust them in extreme situations, it's a given you can trust them 100% of the time in real life situations. Or so goes the silly Bachelor narrative they trot out each and every season. "Trust is huge in a relationship," said Brad. "For Whit to trust me, we're in a really good place."

After their successful descent, they went to my favourite summer getaway, Osoyoos, and the gorgeous Spirit Ridge winery. Whitney admitted that she doesn't "verbalize my emotions very well." Brad wanted to see her soft side, so she talked about butterflies in her stomach. She's a gamer, that one.

Back at the mansion, Chantelle got a phone call from her dad. She was super excited. Actually, maybe not. She was how she naturally is, which always seems super excited. Not knowing what he was going to say, she took the call on speaker phone. Turns out her grandpa died and there'd be a funeral the next day. Well, he said Saturday, but when she finally left she said "tomorrow". I'm guessing she might have stayed a night but it was edited to look like all one day.

Needless to say, she packed her bags and left. Brad was understanding, as expected. But maybe he wouldn't have picked her anyway since she didn't go on a date. We don't know. It was a little suspicious when he said, "I always look forward to spending any time with her." Except when there are seven other women to choose from, apparently.

So with Laura B. and Chantelle gone, that leaves only Kara as my favourite. I guess Brad and I are very different people. (I can hear my wife smirking and agreeing completely. I'm taking that as a positive.)

Whitney isn't in love. And how could she be in such a short time? But, as she said, "I can't see it going any other way." She also said no one else has a chance against her. She's probably right, but that's no reflection on them or her. Although it's a very real reflection on her manners.

Was it just me or did Whitney look different all throughout the show? I couldn't put my finger on it. But just one look at those bushy eyebrows and cartoon boobs and I knew it was her.

With a rose, a 1-on-1 date, and a secret rendezvous in Brad's room, Whitney still felt the need to make her presence felt at the cocktail party. While Gabby sat down with Brad, Whitney waltzed in to interrupt. Even Brad couldn't believe it. He said, "What?" as it was happening, in a kind of incredulous way, but didn't put a stop to it. Gabrielle called Whitney the "devil. She's evil. Very evil."

With six left standing at the rose ceremony, and with Whitney and Bianka already avec rose, only two roses would be handed out. The first one went to Kara, showing Brad has some semblance of taste, afterall. He picked up the second and last rose but then needed to walk away. When he returned he told them he needed some extra time because he realized he didn't have a clue. Throughout it all, Britany smiled hopefully. Would she get it? Or would it go to Ana, with the supermodel body? Or maybe quirky little Gabrielle, for reasons unknown?

What most likely happened was the producers told Brad to pick Gabrielle. He picked up the rose but couldn't do it. So he walked off for a meeting with them and they read him the riot act. "Listen, bub, you're going to do as we say and pick that mouthy little one. Don't you understand good TV?... Er, I mean, she's marriage material!"

And so it was Gabby. We didn't see if she then shoved the rose in Whitney's face. Instead we got our goodbyes. Because of the quick nature of the series, neither had developed that strong a relationship so they were both fine with it. Ana said she'd miss his jokes. And Britany continued smiling, although she "really hopes she can get past this funk."

That was it. Next week is the hometown visits. Just like that. It's looking like Whitney all the way but they do tease us that Brad emotionally wonders at some point if he even knows a particular woman, and that can only be Whitney. No other of the final four would elicit emotion from him.

I wonder where the After the Final Rose show will be filmed. And I wonder if the producers will invite me. It's the least they could do for all my fine blogging. I'm a pussycat in person. And I promise I won't hit on Laura B.

Bachelor Canada: 6 + 5 + 1 = everyone

Anyone out there? I got no comments last week so I can't get a sense of how people are liking this maple leaf edition of the Bachelor. I'm digging it. That is, I find it no better or worse than the American version. But I'd love to hear what others think. I don't think Americans are watching/can watch. I doubt anyone else in the world is interested. Canada's got a tiny population, relatively speaking. So who's with me?

This week 12 ladies were left freezing their butts off in Victoria. Yes, it's a mild climate, but when I saw them sitting outside the mansion in bikinis next to cherry blossoms, I knew they must have been told to look the part. Spring is lovely in Victoria, but it ain't exactly bikini weather. Then I noticed a shot of one of them sitting under a blanket. That made more sense. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated the scenery.

Right off the bat the host dude (someone's definitely gotta mention his name at some point every show just so we learn it) told everyone there'd be a 1-on-1 date, a 5-on-1 date, and a 6-on-1 date. My handy-dandy calculator app tells me 1 + 5 + 6 = 12. Coincidentally, the exact same number as the women left. Would that stop them from fretting they might not get to go on a date? Noooo!

Kara, the softball player from across the water in Delta, was chosen for the 1-on-1. The evil Whitney squinted and said she was her only competition. Don't know where that came from. Then the Canadian producers took a tip from their American counterparts and sliced in a clip of Whitney saying, "I hate this girl and I want her gone." No reference to who she was talking about. Could have been anyone. But it fit here so they put it in. There's absolutely no way Whitney would say that about the lovely Kara.

Kara was a great choice for the solo date. What a great and ready laugh she has. Brad led her to... a helicopter! I know, I know, been there, done that. But wait. This one was orange! How about now, huh?! Excited just a little bit? And the pilot was a woman! They're changing things up on Bachelor Canada!

So off they went from Victoria all the way to southwestern Alberta. I had no ideas helicopters could make such long flights. I wonder how many days that took.

They arrived at a ranch for a horseback riding adventure. When they got there, the cowboy who ran the place said, "Have you ever rode a horse before?" No, neither of them had, to which he added, "We promise we won't laugh too hard." Okay, and we promise not to laugh at your poor grammar.

Not only did they have to ride horses – not a particularly easy feat for a greenhorn – but they had to wrangle cattle, too. Or at least stand around while the real cowboys did.

That night the couple had dinner in a "romantic barn". I hope they had fire extinguishers nearby for all those candles sitting on haystacks. Kara revealed that she still lives at home. Not only that, but she hangs out with her parents. She's a down-to-earth gal and they made a decent pair. She was handed a rose, which she gladly accepted before a big smooch.

Back in Victoria, the beautiful but thus-far-dateless-in-18-days Nicole said she'd be devastated if she didn't get to go on a date. Whitney was shocked she wasn't on the first date card, too. It's conceivable they didn't actually know how many would get to go, but if that's the case, don't tell the viewers off the top that everyone's going because the fake drama ain't working.

From Alberta, Brad flew down to Mexico for his 5-on-1 date. Presumably Kara got the chopper to herself back to Victoria. Down in Mexico a mariachi band played poolside for the bikini-clad quintet. Bianka drew all attention to her backside with a half-thong-type number. Maybe she was trying to woo back her former lover, Kris Humphries. He certainly goes for rear ends, having dumped Bianka for one of the Kardashians (I don't keep up with the trash but I know each one of the sisters possesses ample booty).

The girls were giddy when Brad took off his shirt and showed off his six pack. He took Gabby away for a chat and for a brief moment she seemed normal. He was very attracted to the feisty one. As well he should be. She's like a less stable Paula Abdul. She told him that it takes a very secure guy to be with her and not a lot of people can handle her sense of humour. To date she's shown zero signs of a sense of humour but I'll take it at her word that she has one.

Who knows what else they did but sit at a pool, or for how long, but TV-wise it was very short. Then Brad let them know there'd be no rose (despite Gabrielle clinging on to one that wasn't mentioned), but one lucky lady would get to go on a date with him while the other four would fly back to Victoria that very night.

Bianka with the former Mr. Kardashian

Bianka was chosen for the date. Her hard-to-get attitude was intriguing to Brad. He sensed she had been hurt before and she confirmed his suspicions. She had her heart broken by a professional athlete so she was a bit gun-shy to get in there with Brad, forgetting that a) as a CFL player, he barely qualifies as a professional athlete, and b) his brief career is over. But she was thrilled to get the date, which was Gabby's cue for her weekly "She's not here for the right reasons" claim. That girl keeps flip-flopping between semi-normal and full-on psycho. At least she's not afraid to say it right to Bianka's face. "People get offended when I tell the truth," she said. Can't understand why.

Brad took Bianka on a 62-foot yacht to a private island. She and Brad got some sun on the deck. He laid on his back and she laid on her stomach. Her thick g--string got no camera time, though. Not that I was keeping track. We could have used subtitles here because I missed a chunk of their dialogue as it competed with the wind and surf. Then they drank wine on the island and Brad was smitten.

At the mansion, the last date card arrived and Whitney was confidant her name was going to be on it. Smart one, that Whitney. And sure enough, she was right! She and everyone else who was left were going to Sooke, about a half-hour's drive away. But it was kind of a cool date. The six women got to compete in a lumberjack competition. Brad, the supposed jock, kept calling it a "3 versus 3" competition. Who says that? It's 3-on-3. Maybe he was told to say it that way so as not to confuse it with date cards.

On team pink were the virginal Chantelle, the lovely Julia Louis-Dreyfus lookalike Laura B., and the bilingual Sophie. The blue team consisted of evil Whitney, curly-headed Michelle, and gorgeous Nicole. There'd be log climbing, jousting on a plank over a shallow pool, and cross-cut sawing.

The log climbing looked the most fun. Laura went against Michelle and team pink was first to ring the bell. In the jousting, Whitney, whose breasts are not yet paid for, told her opponent Sophie, "whack me in the face as hard as you can but don't hit my chest."

The evil one pulled this one out in a lacklustre affair. That would leave the sawing to decide things. Chantelle and Sophie bested Nicole and Michelle. Not sure how they chose the final contestants, but Whitney said, "I probably would have won that event." She thought she had the stronger teammates but she realized she was wrong. That's called being a good teammate. Look it up. Now Chantelle, Laura and Sophie got to go out with Brad. Whitney said, "I can't believe I pushed Sophie in that frickin' water and now she's going on a date with him." Oh, and she squinted her eyes to convey evil, just like her acting coaches taught her.

The three gals and Brad went to Sooke Harbour House and you'll never guess who was playing when they arrived!... No, you'll never guess because you've never heard of him... Actually, maybe you have. I pride myself on not knowing bad contemporary country singers. But Chantelle and Laura not only knew this guy without prompting, but they knew his song and were singing along to it. Go figure. His name was Dean Brody. Maybe he's big enough to be on Google. You can check for yourself.

Laura got some alone time with Brad and she was eager to show him that she's not "Miss Drama" all the time. She was embarrassed by her actions at the house that night when she got all verklempt and thought she could go home even after having a great date with Brad. Brad said the fear is that her actions will repeat themselves, but he was very kind. Relieved, she face-attacked him, tongue first.

Meanwhile, Chantelle told Brad that her last relationship was four years ago. Not only that, her last kiss was four years ago. Not only that, she's actually dated since then. Ergo, she hasn't kissed on any of those dates. Ergo... yeah, we get it. But that's all she said. Then she started fretting that she needed to tell him the whole story, as if he hadn't already put two and two together. Yup, she's a... a... a "girl of values." Say what? Oh, right. She means she's a virgin (giggle). And guess what? Brad didn't care. Or, more realistically, he hid his total enthusiasm nicely and came off as kind and caring. He kissed her. To no surprise, she didn't return the kiss. Does that count as a kiss in her registry of kisses? If not, maybe that's how she's still a virgin. Maybe guys have sex with her, but she just lies there.

Brad said, "She's got some serious guts and that's such an attractive quality."Back at the mansion, Chantelle and Britany take a bath together to talk about what happened.

Wait. Run that by me again? They took a bath together? Oh, she's that kind of virgin! I get it now.

Not really. They were wearing bikinis. You know, as girls and pastors do together. Perfectly natural.

Brad felt no need for a cocktail party. In fact, he was so disgusted with his options [my interpretation] he decided to send home double the allotment he was supposed to send packing. Instead of two leaving, he called an audible and said four would hit the proverbial showers. Not clear on the reason. And after seeing his choices, not clear on those, either.

Kara had a rose, so only seven more would be handed out. And they went in order to Chantelle (which is a decent decision), Gabrielle (crazy), Britany (I have no real handle on who this person is other than she likes to bathe with women of the cloth), Ana (meh), Bianka (blah), Laura (yay!), and Whitney (evil incarnate). As you can guess by my parenthetical remarks, I'm cheering for Laura and Chantelle. Oh, and Kara. I hope all three of them take a bath together at some point.

That's right, the gorgeous Nicole, who didn't get to go on a single date, was given the old heave-ho. What gives? Also gone is the delightful Sophie, as well as Tia, who made no impression on me one way or the other, and Michelle, the yoga instructor who's not very good at climbing logs.

I could buy the fact he wanted to send home four this week so he could have more time with those that are left, but when the upcoming highlights showed us that he's sending home another four next week, whittling down the number of women to a final four, it makes me believe this is not all his doing. Maybe the show ran out of money. You can't string those four finalists for more than two or three weeks. The producers must be pulling the plug. Oh well, I'll enjoy it while it lasts. Will you?

Bachelor Canada: The virgin & the playmate

Love, Canadian style

Here we are again for another exciting edition of Bachelor Blogger, Canadian style. I just took a look at the stats thinking I'd see only Canadians checking in here this past week. But there are international visitors to this page. Sure, they could be accidental tourists, but I'll take 'em. Maybe they're ex-pats. Whatever, good to have you.

Maybe it's because I was expecting the worst, but I'm enjoying this northern version of the Bachelor. Canadians have an innate suspicion of Canadian TV. Chalk it up to being the neighbours of show biz central, but also chalk it up to that our TV generally sucks a ton of hard ass. Or should I say 'tonne'? That always confuses me. But Bachelor Canada is doing a fine job of looking like the American version, with the same compelling/frustrating story lines. Well done, whoever it is who's doing it. The mansion is extremely mansion-like, the helicopters are very helicopterish, and the locales are as equally located on a map.

As for the host, he's okay, although I can't remember his name. I told you last week he looked like a giant next to Bachelor Brad. I thought there was an off-chance Brad was just tiny, but I think we can safely assume Host Boy (until I learn his name) is actually a pituitary case. Did you notice his black sweater at the start of the show? It was the most ill-fitting piece of clothing I've ever seen on a human being. I'm guessing it was way too small for him. I realize it's hip to wear your shirt untucked hanging out from the sweater, but even granting that he looked like a kid going into a new grade wearing last year's clothes.

It's not just a mountain anymore

Our Canadian gals proved they can be just as vapid as any American women we see on TV. When the first date card arrived saying they'd be off to the Big Easy, not a one of them knew what that meant. Some thought it might be a mountain in Hawaii, one wondered if it wasn't New York's nickname. Sigh.

Isn't it unusual that a regular date would travel so far away? Usually everyone goes to a new city en masse before they divvy up dates. But this time, eight women were selected to fly from Vancouver Island to Louisiana. First, though, they had to shave their legs for the long plane ride.

While in New Orleans, they went to what looked like a brothel. A small jazz ensemble greeted them and out came the madam, who proceeded to strip. Only it wasn't stripping, it's "the art of tease." This distinction allowed the Giggly Pastor Chantelle to participate, but it was touch and go for a while. You see, she works with children and she wants them to be proud of what they see. Pride cometh before the fall, don't it? Makes you wonder why she applied to become a contestant on this show if she was worried about showing off her sinful side. "I'm a woman of faith," she said, "but I also want to fall in love." Okay, fair enough. Now shut up and take off your clothes.

She nailed the, er, presentation. Watching her moves, you'd never guess she's still a virgin. But then turn up the volume and hear the giggles and it all starts to makes sense.

Chantelle got the rose, as well she should. I have to agree with Brad on that one. She's totally cute and seems like a great person. The giggling might eventually wear you down, like, say, after about ten minutes, but she's in my top five for sure.

[Okay, let's do a top 5. I reserve the right to change any of these at any point during the season. But as they stand now, here they are: 5. Kara 4. Sophie 3. Chantelle 2. Laura B. 1. Nicole.]

While the Pastor was the biggest surprise on the date, the biggest disappointment had to be Chantelle's opposite Melissa-Marie, aka the Single Mom Playboy model. You'd figure it was her competition to lose, right? But she made a good point: when posing nude you don't have to dance around. Also, when posing nude you can lie on your back so your paunch looks flat. It's hard to suck it in for any length of time when moving around.

MM proceeded to fret about her daughter, whom she misses terribly. I understand missing your kid but you kinda know what you're getting into when you sign onto these things. Methinks maybe it was more of a cry for attention.

Line of the date went to Brad. When Laura F. used giant feathers as props in her dance, Brad didn't get to see enough of her except for when she would hold them horizontally and open them up. "There was the clam, which I appreciated," he said. I bet he did.

While those eight women flew back to Victoria, Brad jetted over to Las Vegas to meet the next four women. No gambling was involved. Instead they went to a race track where the girls got to drive Ferrari's around. Sophie from Moncton, Kara from Delta, and the two psychos Whitney and Gabrielle took turns doing laps. Fastest won a date with Brad.

Danger: Whitney

Last week I couldn't see what Gabrielle's problem with Whitney was. It didn't help that Gabrielle seemed unhinged. This week I get it. When Sophie tore off on her laps, Brad said, "You girls are in tough right now." Whitney shot him a look and said, in all seriousness, "Don't say that!" No sense of playfulness at all. That's a danger sign right there. A red flag, if you will. Will you?

Kara and Gabby finished 4th and 3rd, respectively, while there was one-tenth of a second difference between Sophie and Whitney, but Whitney won (I'm sure the producers made that call). And off they went. I have no recollection of their private date beyond a helicopter ride. I see I didn't make any notes. What happened? If there was anything to it anyone wants to add, make use of the comments section. I'm a comments suck.

Okay, maybe not

Next up was the one-on-one date, with a rose on the line. After trips to New Orleans and Las Vegas, Laura B., the lucky recipient of this date, must have been wondering where she'd get to go. The cocktail waitress from Ottawa was whisked away to... downtown Victoria. Yes, it's beautiful and a tourist destination but I'm jaded because it's my hometown. Doesn't seem all that thrilling. They walked around the legislature grounds, which is nice but she's from Ottawa where the parliament buildings are a bigger deal. They then had dinner on the patio at the Empress Hotel. It occurred to me that Laura B. reminds me exactly of one of my favourite comedic actresses, Julia Louis-Dreyfus. So I immediately developed a bit of a crush on her.

The date ended with one of those embarrassing private concerts where the couple are expected to slow dance to a singer I've never heard of before. Only this time I have! It was Jill Barber. Can-con rules!

And with that, all the dates were over. Or were they? Three women were left out, including Ana, who, you'll recall, was the lucky recipient of the pity rose last week, an extra rose Brad decided to hand out because Ana never got any time with Brad despite trying so hard. Brad says he's not the type of guy to hand out an extra rose and not take her on a date. So he snuck into her bedroom and aroused her... Wait a second, get your minds out of the gutter. I mean he gently poked her... Hey, snap out of it. This is network TV we're talking about. I mean he woke her up. Good thing she didn't scream. Even better thing he didn't scream when he saw her without her makeup.

It was really early in the morning, but it was light out. The two went off by seaplane to Tofino, on the west coast of Vancouver Island. Ana was excited as all get out... sort of. "We're going to Tofino!... Where's Tofino?"

The two took a long walk on a longer beach. Then they sat down on a Hudson's Bay blanket for a picnic which included beer, which was so wrong on two counts: 1. It's illegal to drink alcohol on beaches in BC. 2. It was still the morning! But now that I think about it, I'm sure it was just a promotional shot for the sponsor. They probably had water or juice in the bottles. That's what I want to believe.

The playboy model and the giggly pastor forged a bond back at the mansion. They both really, and inexplicably, like each other. Chantelle was thinking that she should probably tell Brad she's a virgin. Melissa, not getting it, said that fact "would probably scare the crap out of a lot of guys."

But at the cocktail party, things got testy between the lady and the tramp. It seems Chantelle, who already had a rose, told MM she could have one-on-one time with Brad first. She needed to tell Brad she had a kid and put him in an uncomfortable position this early in the proceedings by drunkenly forcing him to opine on the presence of said child immediately. On her first attempt to get to Brad, she was met with the maiden already there. "Oh, fuck me," she said. "This is ridiculous." And out she stormed. Back inside, she did a spot-on impression of her former best friend, while the pastor thought maybe MM had a touch too much communion wine.

Melissa-Marie out of control

She finally got to Brad, though. It probably didn't help her cause that she was clearly shit-faced. Brad described it thusly: "This one is going downhill with no brakes." And we knew then and there that's the last we'd see of the Playboy model. At least until her edition hits the news stands. Then we'll see a lot more of her.

And while Whitney was parading around in Amy Winehouse's f*** me pumps, and necking with Brad on the veranda, the lovely Laura B. decided to let that get to her. She tried to play the interrupting game but the controlling Whitney told her to come back in two minutes. Laura didn't skip a beat. Without breaking stride, she turned right around and walked out, only to look back and see the two playing tonsil hockey. Despite being rosed earlier, her insecurities – no doubt influenced by the free-flowing grape juice – got the better of her. She spent a good portion of time up in the bathroom crying to whoever would listen that she should just quit right now before Brad finds out how boring she is.

Brad eventually got wind of the meltdown and talked her down off the toilet seat. He asked her to stay, or at least to make her decision in the morning, i.e. when she sips on her eye of newt and toe of frog concoction. "I don't know what's wrong with me," she told him. He, like a true gentleman, held his tongue. Or maybe it was still in Whitney's mouth.

With Laura Louis-Dreyfus and the Giggly Virgin Pastor already rosed, ten more would be handed out while four would go home. In order they went to:

1. Softball Kara
2. Tia
3. Sophie
4. Britany
5. Mop-Top Michelle B.
6. Catty Gabby
7. Whitney, with the fake boobs and all-too-real eyebrows
8. Romanian Ana
9. Nicole, who whispered she'd accept the rose but he owes her a date
10. former NBA girlfriend Bianka

Only one of the four going home provided any tears. Michelle V. worried that she might never find love. But there's only room for one Michelle so she had to go. The others to leave were Melissa-Marie, Laura F., and the model/neuroscientist Stephanie, who all left with their heads held high.

Looks like there might be some drama (i.e. comedy) next week, too. Surely our Canadian producers are too honest to toy with us like their American counterparts do.