Bachelor in Paradise: Seriously?

I'm back. Not sure why. Then again, I'm not sure why there's a Bachelor in Paradise show, either. And how is it that these fine-looking human specimens can still be single after their television exposure? I think this whole franchise isn't about relationships at all. It's encouraging more people to stay single so they can be eligible for the small screen. Yet they were all saying they were looking to find love. I guess it's easier to find on TV because the lighting's so much better.

This show has the look of Fantasy Island, complete with Chris Harrison as Ricardo Montalban only without his Tattoo.

You know me. I have trouble remembering who the people are from week to week. By the time the Tell All episode comes out, I've forgotten three-quarters of them. So you can imagine what it's like for me on a show like this. Why not, as they're walking (or crawling) down the stairs, insert a little montage reminding us who they are with a snippet from their season?

I recognized some, though. First up was Clare. She heard it would be taking place at an ocean resort so she was there. But after frolicking (aka having sex) in the briny with Juan Pablo, Clare has been "focussing on getting back to being Clare." What better place to do that than on national TV (aka the very place that stopped her from being Clare the first time)?

I recognized Ben but have no idea what he did to make him the villain. I thought I'd search through my old posts for 'Ben' but due to the whole season with another Ben, it's too daunting a task. Was he the guy with a girlfriend? It's interesting that even though they all must have been the object of some iffy editing, they still believe what they see on the show when it comes to the others.

Marquel, from last season, was there with capri pants on. Dylan, from last season, brought his armpit sweat stains.

Two Michelles were there... eventually. I had to look them up. I called one of them Unbalanced Michelle and the other Crazy Michelle 2.0. I always had a thing for Unbalanced Michelle. I was glad to see her back, hoping for some full-blown nuttiness. That's not to be. But we've still got Crazy Michelle 2.0.

Who else was there? Graham, who I remember nothing of except a vague recollection that he was a stand-up fellow. Marcuszzz, who told us he's still not over Andi. He said since the show ended, he's not out having fun. Duh. You don't get that boring by going out and having fun. Daniella, who I recall being kinda funny. There was Sarah, who was always sweet but dull. And there's AshLee, who started out in her season with Sean as beautiful, serious, and normal but ended up broken and fragil and needy. I would think she and Marcuszzz would make a good couple if not for the age difference. They could sit around and be boring and beautiful together.

Then there were a few I swear were never on the show. It must be an experiment by the producers to see how many of us they can swindle. Just tell us they were on some season and we'll believe it. Seriously, does anyone remember Robert, Lacy or Elise? In fact, when Elise was overcoming her greatest fear – stairs – at the beginning, Harrison made it seem like this was something he was familiar with. Why wasn't I? I know my memory is bad, but I would have remembered something like that.

When Chris Harrison asked if they were all single, Unbalanced Michelle said, "Maybe." Everyone was thrown for a loop at this playful little remark. Harrison rephrased it: "Is everyone single now?" "Sure," Unbalanced Michelle said with a wink that wasn't there but should have been. Stand-up Graham stood up and moved to the other side of the room to get as far away from her as possible because he only wants really single people.

Lacy and her two besties were making quite the splash. She was (apparently) eliminated in the first rose ceremony on her season so she wanted to make sure she got noticed this time around. And boy, was she ever. Let's just say she won't be afraid of going in the water since she carries around her own floatation devices.

I loved (aka hated) how they keep track of their appearances. Someone asked Daniella what season she was on. She replied, "Season 17." Oh, right. Season 17. Got it.

AshLee appeared fragile (again) right off the bat. And a bit stalkery. She said, "I came here for Graham." How did she know he'd be there? I guess agents are involved. "My client will do the show if you can guarantee that X will be there." She said she follows Graham on social media and added, "We're meant to be." Totally sane.

The sweet, naive Sarah doesn't know what skinny-dipping is. She accused Lacy of skinny-dipping with Robert (or was it Marcuszzz?) but Lacy was clearing wearing a bathing suit. Maybe she thinks it's when someone thin goes swimming?

I liked Marcuszzz and Clare doing the play-by-play of another ocean romp. "This is better than reality TV," Marcuszzz said, somewhat perplexingly. How meta. "That's so cute," said Clare, wistfully thinking back to her time with Juan Pablo.

Clare got the first in a long series of date cards. She could pick a guy to go visit the ruins with. She picked Graham, which upset AshLee to no end. "I am so mad at him," she muttered to herself. "He couldn't stay loyal for 24 hours! In real life, I'd never speak to him again! She's not pretty, either!" And then she told Daniella (aka another person there), "Besides him, I'm the only normal person here."

Always quick with the quip, Daniella said this doesn't make her want to pursue Graham more: "I don't want to be murdered in my sleep."

Clare cried over this. She wasn't there to create drama, even though AshLee was the one creating drama. The editors would have us believe she gave a soliloquy to a raccoon, but I don't believe it for a second.

Then Clare did a very unusual thing for this show. She offered her date card to the sulking AshLee. Not in a spiteful way, either. A genuine offer. AshLee refused. So then Clare offered to take a different guy to the ruins. AshLee accepted that offer.

Clare broke the news to Graham that he was now on the outs, and Graham, the upstanding guy that he is, was a gentlemen. They embraced. Then Graham saw Ash walking on the beach and called out to her. She ignored him for as long as she could. He asked her if he had hurt her by accepting the date. AshLee didn't want to talk about it.

Graham then gave the first of what I'm sure will be many Paradise Lost references, adding he feels "über, ¨uber-uncomfortable." Two übers, count 'em. And three u's! He's literate and alliterative!

Clare offered the date to that guy named Robert, who accepted. So off they went. It was apparently gorgeous. Clare reported, "We walked out onto this beautiful vista. I don't even know what a vista is." She should ask Sarah.

Before climbing up a pyramid-like structure (maybe it was one), Clare noticed hundreds of fire ants all over Robert. So he threw his shirt and backpack onto the grass, safe from any more fire ants... Wait. That can't be right.

Then they got to the top and Clare turned into Mary Katherine Gallagher. I half-expected her to sniff her fingers as she said, "I'm literally speechless."

Later, Clare went to her go-to move and ran into the ocean with Robert.

Sarah chose Marcuszzz for her date card. They went to a cave pool. Or an "oasis," as Sarah called it. If you're keeping track at home, that's "skinny-dipping" and "oasis" Sarah's not clear on.

Lacy cried because the two guys she liked had been selected to go on dates. Poor Lacy. But not to worry. Robert assured Lacy that he didn't kiss Clare.

Show us the Money! It was time for Michelle Money (aka Crazy Michelle 2.0). She showed up and was promptly given a date card. She had a thing for Graham from their time on Bachelor Pad. (Boy, those two must be complete losers. They've had at least two seasons on network television and still are single.) But Crazy Michelle 2.0 says, "It's very clear we love each other." Then she and Graham do a secret handshake. It's not secret anymore.

But she asked Marquel on her date. They rode horses. That's all I got.

Lacy also got a date card. She was stumped. Would she ask Marcuszzz or Robert? "I"m 80-40," she said. I love it. I'm going to use that some time for sure.

She asked Robert. Marcuszzz, who was developing a little crush on her boobs, was disappointed. I forget what Lacy and Robert did, but I noticed Robert forgot to sunscreen his nose.

Apparently Elise and Dylan became a couple during the time.

Rose considerations were afoot. Each guy would give a rose to one of the women, but no woman could receive two roses. The remaining two would be sent home. With her rocky start with Graham, AshLee said she had some "last-minute conversating" to do. Another one to put in your lexicon.

Sarah told Marcuszzz that he should give his rose to someone he sees a future with, and not just give her one out of a sense of duty because they went on a date together. Marcuszzz told her point-blank that he likes Lacy "but you deserve a rose." Sarah was ecstatic because she was getting a rose, even if it's exactly what she told him not to do.

At the ceremony, Marquel was called to hand out the first rose, but Unbalanced Michelle spoke up saying she hadn't made a connection so was recusing herself from all further proceedings. Harrison asked her why, but there are no reasons with Unbalanced Michelle. So she left. Just like that. I was disappointed. Marquel said, "The coconut doesn't fall far from the crazy tree."

In her limo ride outta there, she hinted that her playful comment at the beginning might have been true. They asked her if she wanted to find love. She said, "It'll happen... Maybe it's already happened." And another invisible wink.

Back to the ceremony, Marquel gave his rose to Crazy Michelle 2.0, Graham gave his to AshLee as God tried to intervene with lightning right on cue, Dylan gave his to Elise, Marcuszzz had a big choice to make going ahead of Robert and he went with his heart and Lacy, Robert then gave his to Clare, before Ben and his red knickers was left with either Daniella or Sarah. "This sucks," he said, presumably talking about the situation he was in having to effectively send one of them home, and not about two undesirable choices. I wanted to see Daniella stick around, but he went with Sarah.

And that's all I got. Next week we will find out what went on with Unbalanced Michelle. Looks like she had a rendezvous with someone who then jumped out her balcony window and broke or sprained his ankles. I hope there's some way they can write her back into the show. That stuff is gold.

Bachelorette Andi: The jock gets the girl

Okay, okay, already. Here I am. You'll pardon me, but I needed a full day to process. For weeks I've been predicting she would pick Nick. She didn't. Just as well. I didn't have anything vested in this season anyway. Not that I ever do. But this season was with a Bachelorette I had very little regard for coming into it and she did nothing to win me over. So big whoop. Plus, I don't read spoilers. There, have I covered myself enough?

... until you mentioned it

Chris Harrison told us right off the top that it would be a "dramatic ending we won't see coming." Well, thanks for that. That assures us that we will see it coming. It's only a surprise when you don't expect a surprise.

Also, since the story is in the editing, I'm sure we could have seen it coming if they showed us other footage along the way. We get the story they want us to get, whether it's accurate or not.

He then told us that the loser (although I don't think he used that word) stalked her (again, not his words) and she rebuffed him at every stage. Why would he tell us that up front? Makes no sense. Couldn't we just watch it under the guise of a regular old season finale, with all the inherent drama attached? Then – boom! – they'd get us good. We really wouldn't see it coming.

We start off with Nick's visit to Andi's family. He brought her dad a bottle of something to ingratiate himself. But he was nervous, a common refrain in this episode. Her mom put him at ease – and Andi on edge – when she said, "We all get nervous around Andi." Ain't that the truth! Andi shot back, "What's that supposed to mean?" But I think America understood innately.

Nervous Nick told Andi's mom he loves her in ways he never thought he could imagine. That is, he loves Andi, not her mom. She teared up over his declarations. That is, her mom, not Andi.

Andi was also cooing. She told her sister that Nick "sees my entire soul" and he "makes me feel like a woman." You know, exactly what you'd expect a woman to say about a guy she's about to dump.

When Hy, the dad, got Nervous Nick to himself, he asked him what he liked about his daughter. Instead of answering, he nervously asked for his blessing. In other words, he dropped his pants too early. Didn't answer the question at all.

Yet Hy thought Nervous Nick was "really impressive, honest and straightforward." He definitely sees Nick as a son-in-law.

The segment was very short as far as these things usually go. Given what Harrison told us off the top, we could see the writing on the wall for poor Nervous Nick. But he got a big send-off from Andi. Their kisses were long and passionate. You know, exactly what you'd expect to give a guy you're about to dump.

Next was Josh's turn to visit. Andi told her parents Josh is totally her type (because that's worked out well for her in the past apparently) and that he's from Atlanta (ditto).

Hy was laughing at Josh right off the bat, noting how hard he was trying to be relaxed and calm and cool, but was sweating profusely. Yeah, probably had nothing to do with them being in the hot Dominican Republic.

Andi's sister asked if Andi worried that Jock Josh wasn't sincere. She was at first, she said, but not anymore. And as long as there's no lie detector test around, you can believe that all you want.

I have nothing against Josh but I can't stand his confidence. In speaking to Andi's sister and brother-in-law, he sounded like a politician, so sure of himself, so rehearsed. Not saying he was rehearsed. I think that's just the way he talks. Words form perfectly in his perfectly coifed head and they exit his mouth in flowing paragraphs. Who talks like that? Deejays and car salesmen.

Hy asked Josh if he was concerned this was nothing more than a camp romance. Josh said it's a forever kind of love feel. And with the number of times he said 'forever' in this episode, someone should save those and edit them all together when he and Andi break up.

Hy showed a good sense of humour when he told Josh he was "by far one of the two best people" he's met down there.

They each got one final date, too. Josh went first, since he got sloppy seconds in the fantasy suite. Andi looked really comfortable walking with him to a yacht. Again, she brought up that he's "totally my type" and lives in Atlanta. She asks if it's "too good to be true." Yeah, probably. But you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

When he proposed a toast to them and their future, there was no moment of hesitation from Andi. Another hint that Nervous Nick would not get the fairy tale ending he wrote last week.

Andi asked Josh if he had any thoughts and he replied no. Which is just about perfect for the former jock. Of course he doesn't have thoughts!

But he did write her a note. And just to prove he could read, he read it aloud to her. I thought when you give someone a card, they're the ones who read it? Anyway, the icing on the cake was a baseball card he made for her. Well, a baseball card he got the prop department to make for her, anyway. It showed Andi with a bat in her hands. On the back, it had stats like: Games Played: doesn't play games. Errors: can't dance and swears too much. And Fun Fact: husband Josh has never missed a day saying I love you. Oh, that Josh!

And of course, he listed her as Andi Murray. Andi approved because "a guy doesn't put his last name on a girl unless he's ready." And is controlling.

Next was Nervous Nick's turn. And his nerves continued. That guy is a terrible frontrunner. Once the deal gets close, he falls apart.

They went off-roading. Buoyed by his time with her family, he said he's the most confident he's been. He sure hid it well. They drove to a secluded lagoon where they sat down for a picnic. They said cheers with a drink, he took a sip, and then left her hanging. She looked like she was going in for a re-cheers. But she seemed distant. Thanks Chris Harrison. I could have mistaken that for loving and sentimental if you hadn't have spoiled it for us.

She said spending time with him made her think of things she's never thought before. Like, for instance, how much more confident and manly Josh is. And what her M.O. would be in dumping Nick.

Going into the evening, Nick said, "If I don't know it's me, we're not getting engaged." He was looking for reassurance. He felt he got it.

That night he stumbled through a toast, very un-Josh-like. But Andi was faux-kind: "I love when you ramble," she said. The rest of the sentence she said silently: "Because it makes my choice so much easier."

Then Nick really shot himself in the foot. I mean, sure, Andi had Josh pegged from the beginning, but Nick made it way easier than it should have been. On this their final date night, when he could have been cuddling and making declarations of love and devotion, he said, "I wanna get engaged, I do, but I've been in that position before... and thinking it wasn't right."

A light bulb went off over Andi's head. "Aha! Thanks for the out!" she must have been thinking. But out loud she told him to turn his brain off. In other words, be more like Jock Josh. No thinking! (Although on Jimmy Kimmel later that night, Josh accused Andi of being over-analytical about things.)

Andi told him, "It's gonna be alright, it is." Then when he replied that he didn't want to be overconfident, she told him, "You should be confident." That was enough to reassure him. "She's giving me all the signs," he said. And I wouldn't disagree with that assessment. No, she couldn't tell him exactly what she was thinking, but she didn't need to give him false hope like that.

Now he started to show some confidence. He told her he can't wait to go grocery shopping with her. Not that that's his idea of fun; just that he was ready to get on with regular life. She asked what an average day in Chicago would be like with him. He replied, "Uh, I'm from Milwaukee." Actually, no he didn't, but that's what I thought. Anyway, he said he'd get up around 6. She told him not to dare wake her at 6. Then they'd go to work, come home, work out, and watch a movie or make out. What? No brother to follow around? Sounds ideal.

Then he gave her a gift. A necklace he got the prop department to make with sand from the beach where they first dated. Andi went with her patented, "Stop it!" It didn't have a picture of herself on it, so she didn't like it quite as much as the baseball card. Still, she told us Nick was "basically everything I've been looking for in a man." Except not confident, not her type, and not from Atlanta. Otherwise perfect!

Next came the soft core porn portion of the show, with the shirtless guys opening the drapes, leaning on railings, and on bathroom counters.

Andi had made her decision. She knew who she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Oh, who could it be?! Thanks, Chris Harrison. No surprises here. Move along.

Nick said his gut tells him he'll propose and also that she'll say yes. Nick's gut talks too much, if you ask me.

"She continues to give me no reason to think it's not me," he said. It's a double-negative. Josh would have been more confident and positive.

Josh talked about the big days in his life. Did you know he was drafted in baseball?! Fun Fact: Andi's husband has never missed a day reminding her that he was drafted in the third round.

Another big day was playing football with his brother. Fun Fact: Andi's husband has never missed a Sunday going to watch his brother play football.

Oh, and today's a pretty big day, too. But Josh seems relatively grounded. He realizes she may not choose him. There's that confidence again. Confident in himself because he's always got his brother.

The ring guy came by Josh's place as he found the perfect one for Andi. Then Nick gets a knock at the door. He should have known something was up when it was a ring at the door.

It was Andi! I totally wouldn't have seen this coming if Chris Harrison hadn't told me I wouldn't see it coming.

We cut to the live studio audience where Harrison had to get the opinions of former contestants. Clare (of ocean-romping fame with Juan Pablo) said, "I wish somebody would have come to my door."

But the producers have to put a stop to this. It's never easy for anybody in the final two, and even harder for the person sent home at the altar. But many have. It's the rules of the game. While it may be gentler on them to cut the cord ahead of time, but only marginally so. They've already been strung along for nine weeks. What's one more day? I predict everyone's going to go this route in the future and I don't approve.

I forget who Michelle is or was, but I remember her to be a wacko. She interrupted this very tense moment to ask Harrison when he was going to announce the next Bachelor. The crowd chanted Chris's name. Harrison said the announcement would be later. But then he slapped Chris on the back and said, "Right?" I still say it would be a disaster. These woman love the guy like a brother, not a lover. He's a nice guy. He's solid. But nobody's hot for him. Are they? Hot enough to move to a farm in Iowa?

Back to Nick's room, Andi didn't seem particularly sad or nervous. She said she had been thinking about what he said about his last engagement when it didn't feel right. Yup, she turned it around. She's crafty that way. Nick looked confused.

He asked her when she started feeling this way. I'm not sure she answered. It wouldn't have been kind to say nine weeks ago. But she told him he over-analyzed everything. She felt life with him would be spent over-analyzing every single moment. How rich coming from her!

He told her he felt she took it too far. Someone else told her that, too, didn't they? He said, "Certain things I wish you wouldn't have said." Once someone dares to suggest she acts inappropriately, game over. We've seen that time and again. There was nothing left to say. Nick just said he hoped she was "a million percent sure." They gave a half-hearted hug at the door as she walked away in the rain. He went to his suitcase and threw all his old roses in the trash can.

I guess this means Nick's the father!

Driving away he said he feels like such a fool. "She asked me to trust her," he said. "It's hard to swallow. I really thought she loved me."

Harrison told us that Nick had been repeatedly trying to sit down with her and that "for some reason, she's refused." But all that would come about after the final rose. We had a proposal to get to.

Josh had his eyebrows done for the big occasion. He arrives and starts blathering on so smoothly and confidently. Shut up, already, I was thinking. She held his hands as awkwardly as she held the roses every week.

Then it was a procession of forevers and evers and evers. Uh-huh. Until someone leaks the results of the lie detector test.

So what happened to Nick? Well, as luck would have it, cameras followed him to Milwaukee. You know, the way they always do when a runner-up loses. Nick said the real world wasn't what he thought it would be. I think that means he hasn't been grocery shopping since the break-up.

He wasn't over her. His mom said it tore her apart watching the show. Their whole family, in fact. But knowing siblings, they'll rib him mercilessly. And he's got 10 of 'em!' No wonder he's all torn up!

Next we see Nick walking into the lot during the Men Tell All show hoping to get a word with Andi. But she "wasn't ready." So he left a letter. Who knows what it said because he didn't read it to us like Josh would have.

Finally Nick joined Harrison on stage, saying, "She gave me so many reasons to be confident." Get over it! I'm sure he's cost him a chance at finding real fake love again as the Bachelor with this moping.

Andi came out and they greeted each other with another half-hearted hug. It was a one-armer for Nick. He wanted to express to her how he felt and how she made him feel. But was this necessary? She's watched the season unfold on TV along with the rest of us. She heard what you told the producers. And frankly, you told them a lot more eloquently than you told her.

He fumbled around for words. I thought she should have said, "I love when you ramble." Then she could have made her point that she loves when he rambles, she just doesn't love him.

There was a good exchange when he started to say, "The hard part is..." and she jumped in with, "knowing I can't give that to you" and he corrected her with, "No, feeling that you did." (I forget what "that" was, but you get the drift.)

Remember when Harrison asked Juan Pablo about thirty times if he loved Nikki, the woman he chose? He asked Andi once if she loved Nick. She said, "No, that's why I didn't tell him."

Um, why did Nick not jump all over this? Why didn't Harrison? She didn't tell him because that's one rule that apparently is not allowed to be broken. A Bachelor/ette can not reveal his/her love for a contestant. She didn't tell Josh, either. So her excuse is just that – an excuse.

Or did she tell Josh?! Maybe she did and they just didn't show us that part. Is that the game? No, couldn't be because at the altar she finally told him she loved him and he was ecstatic, saying that's all he wanted to hear.

Then came the big kicker! He asked her, in his halting way, that if she knew how in love with her he was, why did she make love to him. Oh yes he did! I don't believe he did it with any ulterior motive. If he did, he's a good actor. I was wondering what the Republican Josh (I'm just guessing) thought of this golden nugget of information. Not only that his fiancée was sullied while she was in love with him, but that it happened the night before he got to sully her himself!

Andi told Nick that was "below belt." Yes, it was. That's where the naughty bits are. Right in that area. Only they removed their belts first, apparently. She said that info should be private. In his defence, he did say it quietly.

He pointed out that the night was "fiancée kind of stuff" and that he had told her that. That didn't stop her. She's gotta have it, apparently.

But the true Andi eventually showed up. Her back was up now. Someone questioned her morality and she was in attack mode. When she told him she let him go early for his own sake so he wouldn't have to go through finding a ring and making the trip down to the altar, he said he was "eternally grateful." She bit his head off with, "You don't have to be grateful. I did it out of respect." Yada yada yada. And then she got an applause break! I am so out of touch with that show, it's not funny. Was he the villain here? Is she untouchable? Do people still love her?

Then Josh came out. Oh, Nick had already left, don't worry. They looked happy and tried to one-up each other in the "I love you" department. Andi said Josh would like to get married sooner than later but she wants to "enjoy being engaged" longer. Doesn't sound like forever to me.

Then Josh joked that he was trying to get her pregnant. Yeah, so was Nick.

The show ended making fun of Andi's face, something I'd never do. Sometimes I want to make fun of someone's face but I just can't. I stick to their words and actions. But yes, I certainly noticed Andi's frowny face throughout the season. I didn't know everyone was talking about it. Then they introduced her to Grumpy Cat, whoever that is. Probably a YouTube sensation. At least that cat's fame will outlive Andi's.

That's it for the season. Now, what to do about Bachelor in Paradise? I can't imagine I'll blog about it to the extent I do the regular series, but maybe I'll throw up a few pithy comments each week. We'll see.

Meanwhile, thanks for the follows on Twitter. If you haven't already, I'm @BachelorBlogger.

Bachelorette Andi: The Men Tell All, Special Gimmicks Episode

Holy gimmicks, Batman. The Bachelor/ette franchise is always looking to out-do itself. They love superlatives. So last night we witnessed the most gimmicky Men Tell All episode in series history! From ultrasound technicians to audience plants, this one took the cake.

The evening started out with a visit from Ashley and JP. The couple got married in December and Ashley is bursting at the seams, looking like she might give birth any moment now. But they told us she's not due until October 7. Good Lord! How can she be so big? Maybe she's going to be the new Octo-Mom. Or she's giving birth to a sumo wrestler.

Since nothing is sacred in Bachelor/ette-land, they thought it would be a good idea to find out the sex of their baby on TV. Sure, why not? Luckily, an ultrasound technician (or a reasonable facsimile) was standing by. So Ashley slit open her dress, the guy lubed her belly up, and boom, there was a tiny heartbeat. Thank God. How awkward would it have been if there wasn't one?

By the way, big ups to Chris Harrison for correctly saying "the sex" of the child rather than "the gender," which is fine for words but less so for humans.

Harrison asked JP if he wanted a boy or a girl. JP replied, "It doesn't matter to me." He said he just wanted a healthy baby. And the crowd exploded with applause! Good for JP for taking the health of a baby over the sex. Although I suppose he could have answered something like, "I want boy as long as it's healthy. If it's not healthy, I'll take either."

The technician informed them and us – at the same time! – that it was, indeed a boy. JP was ecstatic because now his name would continue. Apparently, females in his family wouldn't ever dare keep their own surname when they get married. Ashley said she knew all along it was a boy. JP reminded her she had a 50-50 chance.

Before we got to the Men Tell All portion of the Men Tell All episode, we had a segment plugging the upcoming Bachelor in Paradise show starting in two weeks. Just what we all need. There were lots of former contestants crying in Mexico, and even blood, cops, and handcuffs. They want us to believe someone will be spending at least a night in a Mexican prison. As if.

I say there were lots of former contestants but that's just a guess. Out of the dozens they showed, I recognized only a couple: Marquel, the one-armed girl, and the creepy guy Chris. Oh, and Marcuszzz. With a Bachelor Canada also coming up this summer, it looks like my holidays are cancelled.

Finally we got the Men. Sixteen of them, anyway. I wonder if the others are invited or if they turn the invitation down. Where was Anal Emil? Didn't want to face up to the hoots? How about the rad snowboarding dude? Just as well they didn't show because most of the guys are but chair candy. We had Craig the Lush in attendance but he wasn't referenced at all. Same with Bradly the Horrible Opera Singer (which was a huge relief).

The fellas sat in their places and were introduced, each wearing a scarf. Another gimmick. True to the show's love of superlatives, Harrison mentioned it was "easily the scarviest season we've ever had."

The first issue of the night was JJ's reporting of Andrew's comments about Marquel and Ron. It was a veritable he said-he said. Essentially, long after it allegedly happened, JJ claimed Andrew leaned over during a rose ceremony and snickered something about Andi choosing the two black guys. Or maybe he said "blackies," he thought. It seemed at first as if Andrew would be piled up on mostly because of the controversial alleged statement, and also because Marquel is beloved. Marquel is friends with JJ, so he chooses to believe him. Others, like the upstanding Farmer Chris, attacked JJ, saying if Andrew really said that, JJ should have confronted him immediately.

Andrew insists he said nothing of the sort. And that the allegations were hurting his personal and professional life. If he did, in fact, mention Andi choosing the two black guys, it sounds worse than it is. Because in the history of this show, each season includes anywhere from zero to two people of colour. And in every season, those people don't advance very far. If there are two, one is always quickly dispatched. So for him to have mentioned it doesn't necessarily imply anything more than observation. However, if he said "blackies," that's entirely different. But I haven't heard that term since early minstrel movies.

Anyway, Andrew eventually apologized and seemed sincere. We don't know if Marquel and Ron accepted it. What was hilarious, though, was in the next segment, JJ "interrupted" Harrison to bring up the subject again. (I use quotation marks because these shows are so scripted, I find it hard to believe he just would speak up out of the blue like that.) JJ said he felt he got attacked earlier "and I don't feel like I really got to defend myself. I don't think it was the time because it wasn't about me what we were discussing."

Um, neither is this segment, but continue.

"I just want to say I stand by my actions and what I did. Maybe the timing was off. Maybe I should have come in a different way. I did what I did because I thought it was right. You guys can question that all you want, I actually don't really care that much."

Farmer Chris jumped in, "So why are you telling us?" Someone in the back row chimed in, "Because the cameras are rolling." Then Coach Brian laughed, "Your apology would have been fantastic if you didn't say you couldn't care less."

Boom. And with that, the affected and bow-tied pantsapreneur was effectively shut down.

Marquel was the first on the hot seat. They talked about him being in the "dreaded friend zone." Harrison compared it to quicksand: the more you struggle, the more you fall in. He asked Marquel straight up: "Why didn't you kiss the woman?"

It was a great point. For a couple of reasons. I don't have the best memory, but I don't ever remember an African-American kissing a Bachelorette. I remember Sean kissing a black woman, but not the other way around.

And for the obvious reason. Marquel answered, "I don't think she wanted to kiss me." He also said he had no idea until watching the season on TV that "you guys were kissing her so fast. Someone could have dropped me a note!"

I've said a few times in this space that I think Marquel should be the next Bachelor. But then I was thinking if that was something ABC would ever do. And if they did, would they throw in one or two token white women, or would they make it an even split? How would that work? I'd love to see it, but I just don't think a major network would do it. Sure enough, Harrison reminded us that a "shirtless" Marquel would be featured on Bachelor in Paradise. That'll get the fans off the scent.

But if not Marquel, who?

Next up on the hot seat was Marcuszzz. I nodded off during this segment. The guy is just so dull! I woke up in time to hear Harrison plugging Bachelor in Paradise some more and telling us the hot Marcuszzz is on it. Thank God! That means he won't be the next Bachelor, either. There's no way his personality could sustain a full season.

(Incidentally, he sold the BiP show twice by promising near-naked men. Double standard.)

But if not Marcuszzz, then who?!

Next up was Farmer Chris. Harrison told us, "American has fallen in love with Chris." Nooooo!!!! Not, Chris! I've said there's no way Chris could be the next Bachelor because the producers couldn't find 25 primetime-worthy women who'd want to uproot themselves to go live on a farm in northeastern Iowa. Sure, they like him in theory, but not in reality.

But Chris wasn't on BiP so how could they stem this groundswell of support? The producers had to scramble. Their solution? They planted a woman in the centre of the crowd, at our eye level, right between Harrison and the Farmer. In the middle of the segment, she raised her hand. The cameras caught the guys whispering about it. Amazing! Finally the distraction was so great, Harrison summoned up his best acting chops and asked the woman what she wanted. Since she wasn't miked, he invited her to the stage. That could happen, right?

Wrong. Never in a million years. Try it some time. You'll be escorted off the set pretty quickly.

But she got up there, told her she was a Canadian from a small town, just like Farmer Chris, only a bit bigger. Yeah, a bit. Turns out she's from Toronto, the fourth largest city in North America behind Mexico City, New York City and Chicago. And she was at the taping all alone. Yeah, that happens, too.

Harrison asked Chris if he wanted to do a speed date. They could talk to each other during the commercial break. When we came back, we saw bits of their conversation and she ended up giving the Farmer her contact info. Phew! That was a close one. They almost had to bow to pressure to make him the next Bachelor. Hopefully he can enter into a relationship with this plant. I'm sure her contract tells her she has to keep him amused until a new Bachelor is announced.

But if not Farmer Chris, then who? My vote now is for Coach Brian. Who's yours?

Finally it was Andi's turn to make an appearance. She was absolutely glowing, but that's to be expected because of her pregnancy. What? She's not pregnant? She had an abortion? That is shocking! I'm surprised more wasn't made of it.

Harrison asked her point blank if she was pregnant. She said she wasn't. So I guess that's that. I don't know if I was imagining this, but I've always felt pregnant women get a different kind of look on their face, particularly noticeable in the mouth area. Is that a thing? Anyway, I could have sworn Andi had this look. But maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see.

She also took some questions from some of the fellas. Farmer Chris started by saying, "I hope you're doing well. You're beautiful." Andi ignored him and just turned to Harrison and said the Farmer is "always a gentleman."

Marcuszzz asked her if it scared her that he was so open with her. She replied, in essence, with, "Uh, no."

Bodybuilder Cody said she never got to see the real Cody, which "kinda sucks." But it was great for the viewing audience.

Marquel asked about the friend zone. Too late, bud, too late.

Nick S., the golfer, told her her guard was up. She replied, "And you are...?"

And you know she had to throw in a "y'all" for good measure. This one was a doozy! Check this out: "Y'all's guard is up." Impressive!

Finally Creepy Chris, who showed up unannounced in the first episode and wasn't allowed in to meet her, and who was sitting in the audience as an invited guest along with other BiP'ers, was given a long-distance introduction. He stood up to make his way down to the stage and Harrison stopped him, saying, "We can't allow that to happen." That's right. Only strangers sitting alone in the audience who want to date Farmer Chris are permitted on stage. Sit your ass down, fella.

Harrison also brought out an envelope with the results from the lie detector test. Of the six fellas who took the test, you'll recall, three passed with flying colours, and three were lying liars. The three truthful ones were Farmer Chris, Coach Brian, and JJ. Hey, why didn't they solve the alleged racial comments issue by putting both Andrew and JJ under the lie detector?

As for the liars, they were Marcuszzz, Dylan, and Josh. Marcuszzz's fib was telling the machine he had slept with fewer than 20 women. Dylan said he preferred brunettes (turns out it's blondes) and was ready for marriage (not). That left Josh, one of the two finalists. You'll recall Josh was quite upset over the whole lie detector test. Now we know why. Harrison asked Andi if she wanted his results. He said one of Josh's lies would be something he'd want to know about someone. But Andi passed. She said she didn't want to know. She trusts the process. Not him, now; just the process.

And then there were the never-hilarious bloopers. The only thing I learned is that Coach Brian has a fear of pickles. Yes, pickles. As in a run-from-the-room-screaming fear of pickles.

So next week it all goes down. We saw one upcoming clip with Harrison delivering a letter from one of the final two and Andi sitting staring at the unread missive. What could it say? Maybe it's Josh coming clean.

Who's she going to pick? I've got to believe it's Nick. Anyone out there have Josh?

If you've read this far, thank you. Now go follow me on Twitter @BachelorBlogger.